E3

E3

Introduction

Main Contrasts Between the E3 Subtypes: Conservation, Sexual and Social

As in the case of other characters, Vanity manifests in various forms across its different
subtypes, and we wanted to begin this volume by outlining its contrasts. It’s a passionate
concern for one’s own image, or a passion for living for the eyes of others. Living for
appearances implies that the focus of concern is not on one’s own experience, but on the
anticipation or fantasy of the experience of another.

Among the different subtypes, it is the Social E3 that aligns most closely with the general
description of a vain personality. It epitomizes the pursuit of prestige and fame, standing out
as the most overtly materialistic among the three subtypes. Social E3 individuals strive to
be important, seeking widespread recognition in public spheres and leveraging social
norms to their advantage, whether through fashion, physical appearance, or captivating
speeches.

Social vanity is thus the most conspicuous, more observable than in the other subtypes. It’s
a vanity in front of the world. It’s very important for these people to be seen by many eyes.
They thrive on recognition from groups, in the manner of actors who crave constant
applause as a form of narcissistic nourishment. Social E3s desire acknowledgement from
the world at large, not so much for their appearance, but for what they do and for their
social standing. They aim to exude charm and are driven by aspirations of success and
accomplishment, proudly showcasing their qualities and virtues. The childhood desire to be
noticed evolves into a passionate pursuit of prestige, igniting their fervor while sidelining
genuine engagement with life, both for themselves and others.

In relationships, the more modest and reserved Conservation E3 seems content with
smaller social circles, while the Sexual E3 focuses on fostering intimate bonds. But the
Social E3 loves to get around, travel, dabble in a bit of everything (this voracity and
eclecticism could get them confused with E7), and experience the whole wide world.

Because of their somewhat pompous demeanor, Social E3 individuals can resemble E2,
especially the social subtype, when they’re more outgoing. But it’s not that they adore
everyone, or that everyone adores them, like E2s tend to believe about themselves.
Furthermore, Social E2s exude a sense of security that lets them show themselves off
splendidly, and they have no contact with lack, whereas Social E3s easily come into contact
with failure or insecurity if they don’t get that gaze and confirmation from others. Social E2s
think they’re special all on their own, while Social E3s need recognition from others to feel
important.

They’re particularly interested in catching the eye of important people; the bigger the name,
the better, because that’s how they feel validated. They strive to connect with noteworthy
figures in prominent positions, and they’re all about showing off: whether it’s possessions,
power, or knowledge. That’s how they achieve that desired rush of power and feel
respected and admired. Money is something to flaunt for them—it’s like, “spending equals
status.” It’s difficult for Social E3s to engage in self-improvement work of their own accord,
for example, the SAT program, because they feel like they lose prestige by “confessing.”

Sexual E3s are the most timid, fragile, and insecure. They’re not as out there in the world as
the social subtype; they prefer to hang back a bit. When they do step into the spotlight, it’s
because they trust the group will accept them with open arms. They strut their image
through life’s runways, yearning to be looked at. When they encounter a new group, they’re
cautious and prefer to observe first (Social E3s usually enter more dynamically, without
waiting so much, in a more overwhelming way). They seek intimacy more than the social
subtype and also sell it, pouring more energy into relationships with the opposite sex, while
being less interested in big crowds, which are more the Social E3’s scene.

Finally, the Conservation E3 is the “anti-vanity.” Their passion is a counter-passion; they

have a hidden vanity. Although their image matters to them, they go out of their way to
seem otherwise. They’re discreet, their vanity hidden beneath a veneer of modesty; that’s
the image they sell. They steer clear of the stereotypical vanity associated with being
well-dressed or overly concerned with appearances, fearing it may make them seem
shallow or frivolous. They shy away from obvious vanity, viewing it as the territory of
self-absorbed and foolish people. In group settings, they often position themselves as
helpers or problem solvers.

The covert vanity of Conservation E3s means that during the Introduction to the Psychology
of the Enneatypes courses of the SAT Program, many of them don’t identify with the more
attention-seeking attitude of the Social E3, which can be quite flashy and exhibitionist,
resembling the Sexual E2; without falling, of course, into histrionic excess (they dress as
“elegant eccentrics” or “ethnic chic” if necessary, but without losing control or “going wild”
like Sexual E2s).

If the Social E3 subtype offers this glorious and dazzling image, the conservative subtype
presents itself as more approachable and helpful, which is why they don’t come across as
vain. They’re the subtype that seems least like E3 because they’re well-intentioned: they
put a lot of effort into doing things well and being a good person.
The vanity of Conservation E3s revolves around productivity and the results they produce.
Their motto could be that there’s no problem without a solution. The doing is constant; the
agenda never ends. The underlying thought is that if it does, “they cease to exist.” They’re
constantly busy with something, unable to stop, to be alone without something occupying
their mind and hands. This prevents them from connecting with themselves: “My being is
doing.” In it lies the source of suffering because they really want to be recognized for
themselves… only there isn’t really a self. There is only what they do. They are there for
others, but in reality, they aren’t; they don’t exist. No wonder it’s so difficult for them to
connect with pleasure: “There’s so much to do first!”

While Conservation E3s seek recognition through their actions (which they understand as
proof of love) and Social E3s find identity in their professional tasks, Sexual E3s focus on
their charm or allure. They use their physical beauty, sexual appeal, and intimacy to
succeed, albeit what they really want is emotional connection, which they don’t outwardly
show.

While Sexual E3 women usually embrace feminine gender roles, and men an idealized
image of masculinity, Conservation E3s assume the persona of an adult child, and Social
E3s identify with masculine societal roles, such as a manager.

Sexual E3s also don’t put as much energy into crowds as Social E3s. They lack the gift of
gab and sometimes struggle to express what they feel. If Social E3s are known to have a
quick wit and an answer for everything, many Sexual E3s draw a blank and struggle to
assert themselves; they have no sense of their own worth. Physicality (sensual movements,
touch, eye contact) does, however, compensate for their lack of verbal fluency. They use
their image and sexuality to their advantage and mask what they don’t like about
themselves to please others. It’s the subtype most in touch with fear. They seek physical
contact. Women may look eternally young. They all sell sex as a means to receive love and
validation.

Sexual E3s, although capable of being efficient and achievement-oriented like the other
two subtypes, prioritize romantic relationships, investing significant energy and focus into
their partners, in whom they can lose themselves, sometimes to the detriment of their own
self-awareness and professional pursuits.

As mentioned earlier, they grapple with low self-esteem and strive to feel valued and
admired by perceiving themselves as attractive. The defining passion of this subtype could
be described as “attractiveness” or “sex appeal.” They rely on their physical appearance and
sensual energy to attract others; thus, they prioritize cultivating physical beauty. Their
vitality and interest in life revolve around pleasing and drawing attention to themselves.
They conceal their flaws by constantly applying makeup to both their faces and emotions,
losing touch with their true feelings in the process.
They expend considerable energy maintaining an idealized image that caters to others’
desires; projecting this desirable image becomes their primary objective. They are
chameleonic and, in order to please, can become anything, embodying what the other
person wants. This extreme level of identification with their partner’s desires can even lead
to them being assaulted or abused without realizing it, since they separate the characters
they play from their authentic selves and fail to see the situation as it is. They exude
flirtatiousness and glamour, often appearing superficial. Behind their extremely beautiful,
often stereotypically plastic-like faces (which others find ludicrous but which Sexual E3s
believe to be alluring), they are the most likely subtype to contact an inner void.

In terms of seduction, they are compared to E2, with the key difference being that E2s don’t
need to transform themselves to please, and, while the seduction tactics of Sexual E3s
focus on projecting an idealized image, those of E2s are more driven by erotic pleasure and
sexual contact. Sexual E3s send erotic signals only to attract; they are not willing to follow
through on their promises. They want to be desired but not touched, finding validation in
the desire of their target. They differentiate between sex and love, and in sex, they prioritize
their partner’s preferences and do everything to satisfy them.

In terms of appearance, Conservation E3s exude a more classic and understated vibe
compared to Social E3s: they may be just as vain, but they prefer not to draw attention to
how much their looks matter to them.

Of all E3s, Social E3s are the most chameleonic. They dress and act according to societal
expectations and in line with current trends. They enjoy dressing up, accessorizing with
jewelry and makeup, presenting themselves as beautiful, dazzling figures. Their wardrobe
boasts all kinds of outfits suitable for various occasions. They can be posh, interested in
having the latest and best brands (they like to spend money on the most expensive things),
or in keeping up with the latest trends in their field of knowledge. They embody the values
that others buy, selling their own personality.

What truly drives Social E3s is the desire to shine, and they continually hone their skills and
talents for this purpose. They are the most deceitful of the three, shamelessly seeking an
audience, fame, and admiration. They like to win over people, applause, recognition,
places… and in this relentless pursuit, they lose themselves. All that glitters is merely a
facade to attract attention.

They know how to present themselves; they have charm, grace, and impeccable manners.
They possess all the right accessories. They’re efficient, energetic, and sociable. They move
with elegance and poise, like worldly individuals.
They’re always in a good mood, more cheerful and talkative than Conservation E3s, who
may come across as harsher, angrier, and more rigid. In comparison, Social E3s can be quite
intuitive and empathetic.

As for Sexual E3s, while they might be more timid and bashful compared to Social E3s,
they certainly don’t fade into the background. The most important thing for them is to
attract a romantic partner, but they also crave visibility, even if admitting it is somewhat
taboo for them.

The Conservation E3 can also be shy, though for different reasons. If Sexual E3s are afraid
of revealing that they’re hollow inside, that they don’t amount to much, shyness in
Conservation E3s, although stemming from inner insecurity as well, is mostly linked to a
need for control. In unfamiliar environments, their desire for recognition prompts them to
remain hidden until they are sure of acceptance.

Conservation E3s control themselves and control others. They can’t stand chaos. They’re
meticulous and detail-oriented; they’re involved in everything (like organizing shoes found
in the corridors…), always ready to attend to others’ needs. They possess an uncanny ability
to remember the smallest details, from birthdays to offhand remarks someone made in
passing.

While Sexual E3s openly struggle with insecurity, Conservation E3s thrive on clarity and
control; they never allow themselves to feel uncertain. And they’ve structured their lives
very well for that purpose; it’s as if they sell reassurance. They project an image of having
everything under control and are the go-to problem solvers – in this regard, they resemble
E9. They’re resourceful and adept at fixing things. They always assume they must have
answers for everything, and if they don’t, they improvise. They’re quick thinkers, and their
memory is usually exceptional, gathering information of all kinds to use at the right
moment. They’ve learned skills that aid others and position themselves where they’re
needed most, often finding themselves resolving the problems of people they’ve only just
met.

The keyword and defining trait of Conservation E3, "security," is sometimes misunderstood
as a compulsive search for security in all aspects, primarily focused on conserving
resources. In reality, however, these individuals already anchor their lives in a secure
foundation, ensuring that all basic needs are met to sustain their current situation. For
example, they always have enough money (being cautious with spending), a stable home
equipped with essentials, and handle everyday challenges or problems without needing to
ask for help (or by seeking competent assistance when necessary), preemptively resolving
issues like traffic jams, etc. Compared to other subtypes, they are the most autonomous and
stoic, sometimes being confused with Conservation E4s due to their perfectionist
tendencies and heavy workload. Yet, they are distinguished from them by their automatic
smile and lighter disposition. While Conservation E3s are driven by the desire to achieve
everything through their own efforts, Sexual E3s aspire to find a partner who can provide
the security they feel unable to attain independently, and Social E3s believe they can
succeed in life through their prestige alone.

Conservation E3s present themselves to the world as naturally secure individuals, unaware
of the energy expended to maintain this status quo, convincing themselves they were
simply "born" that way.

This belief is their greatest source of vanity, even if it’s not explicit. By selling this sense of
security, they truly believe they possess great value: others will only benefit from having
them as partners or friends, and, at some point in the future, they will be rewarded for their
devotion. This future reward keeps the machine running. Yet, it remains an implicit
reward—one they hope will be intuited and evident in the minds and hearts of those
they’ve wholeheartedly dedicated themselves to.

Naturally, by offering security, they tend to attract the most insecure, needy, and dependent
people. Over time, they expect repayment for their assistance, demanding a steep price for
what initially appeared to be a selfless gesture.

When faced with frustration upon realizing their efforts may not yield the expected reward,
a dormant, monstrous side emerges—cold and calculating, capable of merciless
destruction—all while maintaining a facade of benevolence and availability. While this dark
aspect is also present in social and Sexual E3s, it is less conspicuous in them as they
primarily express it within the intimate sphere of their families.

Social E3s may be more openly selfish: if they love you, it’s because they’ve integrated you
into their circle. Prestige, a defining characteristic for them, involves needing someone to
acknowledge them, to recognize how good they are at what they do. They engage in a lot
of self-promotion; among the three subtypes, they are the most adept at it, often without a
hint of shame. They effortlessly captivate audiences by talking about themselves and
showcasing their abilities. They have a knack for presenting themselves positively to others.

On the other hand, the anti-vanity of Conservation E3s manifests in a desire for recognition,
albeit indirect: "Let others talk about me, let them praise me—not directly to my face, but to
others, so that everyone knows." They hold a strong aversion to overt social or sexual
vanity. They disdain the self-promotion of Social E3s, viewing it as shameful
self-aggrandizement, and find the open coquetry of Sexual E3s pathetic. Their reluctance to
self-promote stems from intense discomfort with being in the spotlight, which they find
ridiculous and, deep down, too vulnerable of a position—they fear exposure that could
make their mask slip. They are internally suffering but maintain the appearance that
everything is fine, projecting an image of kindness and reliability.
Finally, regarding work: Conservation E3s are production machines. They are true
workaholics, even more so than the social subtype. Everything they have, they owe to the
fruit of their labor. They prioritize hard work over brilliance, like Margaret from Faust.

If the sexual subtype seeks perfection in physical appearance, Conservation E3s demand
perfection in their actions. They feel compelled to prove their worth through meticulous
effort, always believing they could have done better. This perfectionism aligns them
somewhat with E1s, as they share traits like honesty, scrupulousness, hyperethics, and a
tendency to obsess over details (becoming overwhelmed by the need to complete tasks to
the highest standard). However, while E1s are serious and restrained, E3s display a more
expansive and cheerful—or at least neutral—demeanor. Moreover, E1s are grounded in
tradition, while E3s are driven by the need for external approval.

The Conservation E3 is hardworking and “ant-like,” in contrast to Social E3s, who resemble
peacocks. Social E3s are enamored with their own grand words, captivated by the speeches
they give, the promises they make, and their inflated egos. Yet, they often find themselves
reluctant—or outright afraid—to follow through on these promises. When possible, they
might cheerfully delegate the burden to subordinates, if any are available.

Conservation E3s, by contrast, are deeply committed and compliant. They present an image
of efficiency—a carefully curated narrative they share with the world. They pride
themselves on being reliable, on delivering on their promises without fail. These individuals
embody the essence of efficient bureaucrats, determined never to show fatigue or
exhaustion, no matter how much they endure behind the scenes.

The Social E3, however, is the most deceitful of the subtypes. They often exaggerate or
falsify their expertise, selling an image of efficiency while lacking the patience or discipline
for tasks that don’t place them in the spotlight, relying on others to achieve satisfactory
results. Unlike the Conservation E3, they avoid small, practical efforts that don’t provide
stimulation or affirm their desire for importance. This tendency can lead to broken
commitments, leaving others disappointed.

When expectations aren’t met, Social E3s rely on their verbal agility to salvage their image,
offering reassurances like, “I know how to do everything,” even when their actions suggest
otherwise. They focus on achieving big, visible goals, often by leveraging others to do the
heavy lifting. Their drive is not rooted in genuine efficiency but in the desire to seem
important. The promises they make are rarely upheld unless doing so allows them to shine
as the apparent achiever. And when they fall short, they excel at crafting justifications to
deflect responsibility, all while preserving their polished public image.
They prioritize their own goals and personal interests over the needs of the community.
Their neglect of others often goes unacknowledged—they rationalize it, justify their actions,
never take the blame, and avoid taking responsibility for any failures in their duties.

In the workplace, Conservation E3s may struggle with delegating tasks. Even when they
do, they tend to retain control, closely monitoring workers to ensure deadlines are met and
methods are followed, much like E1s. In contrast, Social E3s, who are often the closest
thing to a boss, lack the patience for overseeing processes and supervising their
subordinates. They often disengage until the project’s final stages. At that point, they may
critique others’ work, take credit for the results, and conveniently forget that there was even
a team to begin with. Social E3s initiate projects and sell the final product, but it’s the
Conservation E3s who handle the methodical work required to bring the project to
completion.

Sexual E3s, on the other hand, struggle with maintaining discipline in professional settings.
While they can be incredibly efficient with domestic tasks, often striving to create a
picture-perfect family life, their professional development is hindered by their focus on
controlling and seducing others. Their passion for emotional and relational dependence
often conflicts with their ability to achieve true independence or professional success. Their
lower self-esteem leads them to feel safer within the confines of intimate relationships,
which they use as a shield.

Like Sexual E3s, Conservation E3s also use sexual seduction to establish connections. They
understand how to appeal to others’ interests and use this skill to win affection. However,
once in a stable relationship, Conservation E3s often deprioritize their sexual and emotional
lives, seeing them as inefficient or unproductive pursuits that don’t yield tangible, concrete
results.

Both sexual and Social E3s can be conquerors and seducers, but in different ways and with
different objectives. Sexual E3s are often seen as irresponsible or innocent, while Social E3s
are quite the opposite: they know where they stand, what powers they have; they are very
competitive and probably more perverse. If the Sexual E3 woman is Marilyn, the Social E3
woman could be Sharon Stone—more dominant and aggressive. The Sexual E3 seeks
protection, placing power in the hands of a man, while the Social E3 claims power for
herself, blending a sharp intellect with undeniable glamour and femininity (“a man’s head, a
woman’s body”).

Dependence on others is a common thread among all E3 subtypes. Social E3s are the most
manipulative, as they project an image of autonomy while subtly using others without them
knowing. They transform their own dependence into something that appears meaningful in
the lives of those around them. Conservation E3s exhibit a similarly hidden dependence by
making others feel reliant on them for survival. They can come across as tough, cold, and
inaccessible, and they fear exposing their inner emptiness. They crave recognition but are
so ashamed of this trait that it’s difficult to see it without a discerning eye. While they long
for love, they struggle to consciously acknowledge or feel it.

Coldness is present in all three subtypes. In the Conservation E3, it’s a mask of rejection: “I
don’t reject you directly, but I become cold.” The Social E3 is also cold but keeps people
around them; it’s more of a defense to maintain their social role. And the coldness in the
Sexual E3 lies more in their mannerisms. They invest everything in courtship but fail to
enter the relationship itself at a deeper level of commitment. There’s a protection, out of
fear of connecting with something they don’t understand. The Sexual E3 lives so much in
the image that if they enter that void—which would break that coldness a bit—they could
get lost. That inner void that the Sexual E3 feels may be harder for the Social E3 to
perceive: they do so many things and have so many ideas…

The Sexual E3 shows more insecurity, pain, and suffering; they express emotions more than
the other two subtypes. And they’re the sweetest. Even though they’re the most emotional,
they struggle to connect with their anger. If Social E3s can be aggressive, Sexual E3s
cannot. In fact, they suppress aggression and can endure a lot. But affection is hierarchized,
and that’s why they’ve become tough; the more neurotic the person, the tougher they
become. They’re stunning but without tenderness. They cultivate a dangerous irresistibility,
like in the story of Samson and Delilah.

The Conservation E3 is more prone to avoid acknowledging pain and strongly controls the
expression of their emotions, as if they were incapable of being surprised by life. They
harbor the belief: “If I feel pain or get emotional, I lose control of the situation.” They have
great difficulty connecting with pain, suffering, and conflict. They widely use the mechanism
of denial, a defense that has a lot to do with “nobody can know more about me than
myself.” However, in life experiences like crises or confrontations, they can recognize the
pain and deal with it.

Social E3s are the strongest; they use strength to position themselves centrally in a group
or in society and can be tough and overpowering. They are the most competitive of the
three. They are more aggressive and defensive. Where they put their eye, they go. They feel
they can do anything. They’re the most energetic E3 subtype; they’re like
“cokeheads”—cocaine is a drug very characteristic of the Social E3 that exacerbates its
tendencies. They can’t stop. In solitude, they are already anticipating new successful
projects. They have the image of mental clarity; they’re very “in their head.”

Social E3s are the ones who can lie the most to preserve their image. They can’t handle
criticism or any kind of confrontation because they’re constantly striving to maintain the
image of omnipotence, of “I can do anything.”
The Conservation E3 does not take the risks that the Social E3 does out of love for danger,
adrenaline, and greater self-confidence. But they can also be aggressive. They know how to
defend themselves, they have the power to confront and be critical. Sexual E3s are the
ones who find it most difficult to confront or face conflict; they hide more; they are more
seductive.

Social E3s can be quite identified with their head (similar to E6 and E7), and they are aware
that when they go out, they put on a mask. This last point may not be as relevant for
Conservation E3s, who lose themselves more in the meticulousness of the task and may
not show as much to others.

Social E3s believe everything they sell; they identify with it. Of the three subtypes, they are
the most artificial, the ones whose mask is most noticeable. They represent the prototype
of the most obvious vanity, and they can be quite amoral. When the Social E3 realizes their
falseness, they see that everything they’ve done is a lie, and then they become depressed,
withdraw, see their emptiness, and search for their own authenticity.

E3 Academic Equivalencies: Conservation, Sexual and Social

Subtypes

In general, Enneatype III, Vanity, stands out as a notable absentee in academia. After
researching the works of various psychoanalytic and psychological authors to draw
connections between the definition of E3 in the Psychology of the Enneatypes and other
academic definitions of psychological or psychopathological types, the overarching
conclusion is that this Enneatype lacks any reference to pathology or neurosis. As a result, it
consistently appears “normal,” to the point where its social conformity might be perceived
as desirable.

Hence, it could be inferred that its potential “pathology” or “neurosis” lies precisely in this:
an excessive pursuit of conformity and adaptation to the environment and others. This
includes avoiding conflict, seeking acceptance and approval, falsifying oneself, and
succumbing to self-deception.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Vanity does not appear as a diagnostic category in the DSM-IV. While it is an indication of
underlying narcissism, in American literature, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is more
closely associated with Enneatype VII. As Claudio Naranjo explains in Character and
Neurosis, the absence of Enneatype III in the DSM suggests that the recognized pathologies
constitute a more external or visible layer of psychopathology:

“[E3s] may live very ordinary and perhaps successful lives without clearly
recognizable interpersonal defects, harboring mainly a spiritual
psychopathology—loss of interiority and of true spiritual experience.”

Narcissism is a fundamental aspect of the Vain character. Let us begin by exploring certain
diagnostic features outlined in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Although these refer to
more severe psychiatric conditions, they contain specific traits of the E3 structure.

The key element in narcissistic personality is the inadequate regulation of self-esteem,

which becomes dependent on external evaluation, making the individual highly susceptible
to criticism. In response, the narcissist constructs an inflated self-image, placing themselves
on a polarized scale of virtues or flaws, superiority or inferiority, relative to an idealized
standard. This defensive strategy detaches them from their true self and shields them from
potential feelings of failure.

In essence, this character displays exaggerated self-importance in a grandiose manner.

They overestimate their capabilities, embellish their talents, implicitly devalue others’
merits, strive to feel superior or unique, and expect recognition as such, demanding
excessive admiration.

In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), this description of
Narcissistic Personality Disorder corresponds to Enneatype III:

“They may be concerned about whether they are doing things well enough and
how they are perceived by others. This is often manifested by a consistent need
for admiration.”

There is a clear tendency to occupy prominent social positions and engage with influential
people in socially esteemed gatherings (a trait primarily seen in the Social E3 subtype).
With a constant need for attention and admiration, which may come across as pretentious,
this character employs various social charms to receive special treatment.

Characterized by a lack of empathy and sensitivity to others’ desires and needs, this often
results in exploiting others for personal gain. They tend to overemphasize their concerns
with unnecessary details, display impatience, and harbor an envious attitude toward others’
achievements and possessions. Occasionally, they exhibit arrogant behavior, conveying a
condescending or disdainful attitude while appearing emotionally distant or cold. Their
fragile self-esteem compensates through friendships that make them feel special.
Associated Manifestations and Disorders

The fragility of their self-esteem makes individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
highly sensitive to criticism or frustration. While they might conceal it externally, criticism
can torment them, leaving them humiliated, dejected, frustrated, and empty. In response,
they may react with disdain or rage, boldly counterattacking and even causing harm to
others. Such experiences often lead to social withdrawal or a facade of humility, serving to
disguise and protect their underlying grandiosity.

Interpersonal relationships frequently suffer due to their pretentiousness, constant need for
confirmation, demand for admiration, and disregard for others’ sensibilities. Although their
ambition and self-assurance may lead to lofty achievements, these successes are often
undermined by their intolerance of criticism or fear of failure. In other cases, professional
performance may be low due to their aversion to taking risks in competitive situations.
Persistent feelings of shame or humiliation, along with self-criticism, may result in social
withdrawal, depressed moods, or dysthymia. Conversely, prolonged periods of grandiosity
may correspond to hypomanic episodes.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder can co-occur with anorexia nervosa and substance abuse,
particularly cocaine. Other comorbidities include histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and
paranoid personality disorders.

Differential Diagnosis

Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be distinguished from Borderline Personality Disorder

by its more stable self-image and lower prevalence of self-destructive tendencies,
impulsivity, and abandonment issues.

Excessive pride in achievements, a relative lack of emotional displays, and disregard for
others’ sensitivity differentiate Narcissistic Personality Disorder from Histrionic Personality
Disorder. While individuals with borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic disorders all demand
attention, narcissists seek admiration rather than mere attention.

Although narcissists and individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder share tendencies
such as superficiality and exploitation, narcissists lack antisocial traits like impulsivity,
aggressiveness, and dishonesty. Similarly, perfectionism and a belief in their superiority
distinguish narcissists from individuals with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Suspicion and social withdrawal in narcissistic individuals stem from a fear of appearing
imperfect, differentiating them from Schizotypal or Paranoid Personality Disorders. Finally,
grandiosity associated with manic or hypomanic episodes is distinguished from Narcissistic
Personality Disorder by its association with mood disturbances.

Narcissism in Psychological Literature

Claudio Naranjo elaborates in Character and Neurosis how E3 individuals live for their
self-image, embodying narcissism. However, the term has been used in various contexts to
classify different characterologies. Otto Kernberg described narcissism as combining
excessive self-centeredness, superficial adaptation, ambition, and fantasies of grandeur
masking an underlying inferiority. Narcissists are charming when their neurotic needs are
met but reveal cruelty when unsuccessful.

Naranjo notes that vanity is the passion for living through others’ eyes, driven by an
exaggerated need for external validation. To achieve this, E3 individuals falsify themselves,
adapting to situational expectations, suppressing emotions and needs, and disconnecting
from their true selves. Kernberg metaphorically describes them as “masks within masks,”
unable to distinguish between their image and true self. This alienation from authenticity
creates a fundamental denial of feeling.

Winnicott’s concept of the false self illuminates E3’s core dynamic. When a parent fails to
affirm a child’s intrinsic value, the child constructs a hyper-adapted false self aligned with
external expectations, disconnected from spontaneity and authenticity.

In conclusion, narcissism is not exclusive to E3 but encompasses various character

typologies, resonating profoundly with modern times.

Etiology of the Psychopathic Character

The psychopathic personality is rooted in the phallic phase of development, which begins
around two and a half years of age. This phase marks a turning point as the child shifts
their focus away from the mother towards the father and the broader world, expecting to
obtain support and satisfaction. The transition begins with establishing their position within
the family hierarchy—one of power—vying for attention from the parents and striving for
supremacy in the competition among siblings.

At a time when their emotional, affective, and cognitive needs are beginning to develop
fully, the future psychopathic child experiences frustration as their genuine projection of
themselves into the external world is blocked. This frustration occurs when their curiosity
and exploratory interest are stifled. The child must give up what they desire and find
satisfaction in the narcissistic needs of the father or mother in exchange for their support
and affection.

The “psychopath,” corresponding to both Enneatypes III and VI, is thus anchored in the
center of the Oedipus complex, specifically in the seduction by the parent of the opposite
sex.

The hysterical psychopath (E3) maintains throughout life a constant need to secure their
position of power—whether through control, beauty, sexual attraction, or efficiency. They
are desperate to secure their place of power and constantly doubt their ability to maintain
it. This leads them to be self-controlling and controlling of their environment because,
structured in terms of the "other," their desires and achievements are not their own, but
rather the desires of the "other" on whose approval they depend, resulting in profound
insecurity and dissatisfaction.

The basic defense mechanisms are projection (mainly in the obsessive structure,
corresponding to E6) and identification (more pronounced in the hysterical structure, which
would be that of E3). In addition, the psychopath employs rationalization as a mechanism of
emotional control, processing emotions with their head rather than their heart. They are the
type of person who believes they feel. This defense serves, on one hand, to inhibit action as
a control against the immediate acting out of impulses, and on the other hand, it contains
anxiety about judgment and/or punishment.

Body Structure

The psychopath’s gaze is disturbing, used to control others. They employ it as a scanner to
anticipate where danger may come from and keep it at a distance, or for seduction. The
eyes tend to look through a slit in the eyelids, making them appear smaller. They use this
gaze to determine who is interested, ensuring success in seduction, where they become the
“hunter” and the “hunted.”

There is significant tension in the neck due to the need to always maintain a vigilant,
controlling posture of the head, which acts as the engine that moves the periscope of the
eyes.

With the chest shaped like a “V,” the upper body is overdeveloped, while the lower body
develops less from the diaphragm downward. As one who holds back tender impulses, the
chest and ribs are hard, making it difficult to depress the chest with the hand.
The diaphragm experiences significant blockage, especially during forced inspiration
(paradoxical breathing). This diaphragmatic cut makes it difficult for them to connect with
their feelings, emotions, and needs.

The abdomen is tense and firm, reflecting the containment of tender needs. The pelvis is
slightly retroverted and disconnected from the rest of the body, preventing free and active
sensory perception of the lower body. The buttocks are tight.

One of the most significant tensions in the legs is found behind the knees, in the
hamstrings, indicating a fear of failure, surrender, and letting go. The feet tend to be wide,
with a more pronounced instep than normal, a morphology better suited for jumping and
movement.

The Conservation Subtype

The distinctive quality of the Conservation E3 subtype is the tendency to go unnoticed,

avoiding drawing attention by hiding aspects of themselves.

According to Claudio Naranjo, “In today’s psychotherapeutic practice, Enneatype III is

usually diagnosed in Bioenergetic terms as Lowen’s rigid.” This type includes the
Self-Preservation subtype, possibly with masochistic and narcissistic components.

Alexander Lowen describes several clinical cases that could well be considered
Conservation E3. One such case is David:

It was obvious to me that David was fighting against himself. On a feeling

level—inside—he was scared to death. Yet, on an ego level—in terms of outward
appearance—he was strong and powerful. That was the image he projected with his
muscular body and his successful career as a surgeon. David operated on cases that might
frighten others. He denied any fears and exuded self-confidence.

David had developed this image in his youth. He explained that he had tried to be the kind
of kid a parent would love, a model son—smart, athletic, good-looking, and well-behaved.

But why did David seek therapy? Lowen clarifies:

David began by describing his reaction of rage when his son persisted in an action he had
been told to stop. [...] David didn’t think he was wrong in ordering the boy to stop. What
bothered him was the recognition that his reaction of rage was excessive. As he explained
it, “I realized the enormity of my rage when I saw the look of fear in my son’s face. I thought
that he was afraid I could kill him, and I sensed that there was a murderous quality in my
tone of voice and in my look.”

David was aware that his rage reaction was triggered by his son’s disobedience, which left
him feeling frustrated.

Why did he act in such a disproportionate way? Lowen provides an answer by presenting
David’s own comments:

He [David] said, “I saw that I was doing to my son what my father had done to me. I was a
frightened kid, but until recently I denied I was afraid. I had moments of fear.”

Lowen illustrates with this clinical case how someone who presents themselves to the
world as successful, confident, and trustworthy only shows a mere facade, which has
nothing to do with something deeper within and can potentially become a real threat to
their own child.

Another case is that of Ann. Lowen describes her as follows:

She had a constant smile on her face to show the world how happy and content she was.
Yet this expression was belied by a tight, square jaw and a flat forehead, which gave her
face a grim look. Ann was unaware of this contradiction. She was identified with the
smiling, happy image and saw herself as a person who was responsible, considerate, and
helpful. She had always been a “good” girl, doing what was expected of her and taking care
of her younger siblings. After she grew up, she continued this pattern of behavior—it had
become second nature to her. Yet on some deep level, it left her dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

Ann’s smile was a facade erected to hide her unhappiness from the world and from herself.
The image of the happy young woman bore little relation to the reality of her being or her
feelings. How did that image arise? Ann mentioned that her father used to tell her to put on
a happy face, regardless of how she felt. No one would love a sad-looking person. So Ann
denied her feelings and adopted an image that would be acceptable to her father. In the
process, she sacrificed her true self.

These cases presented by Lowen show how the construction of an idealized image of a
capable and valid person, expressed through objective and demonstrable achievements,
which characterizes the Conservation E3, is nothing more than a way to disguise, to
themselves and others, a dramatic lack of self-love—consequence of having been forced to
reject their own feelings in favor of something more acceptable. Even more dramatic is the
fact that our culture precisely celebrates this as a non-psychopathological way of life.

Federico Navarro, an Italian neuropsychiatrist and follower of Wilhelm Reich, comments on

the rigid character, and some insights may well be applied to the Conservation E3
character. Navarro starts with the idea that anxiety is a manifestation of negative
aggression directed towards oneself, dependent on a respiratory dysfunction caused by
diaphragmatic blockage. All bodily and, hence, character rigidity is linked to deeper tension
and blockage of contact through deficient breathing—not breathing to avoid feeling. The E3
is one of the most anxious of the Enneagram personalities, always on alert, and attempts to
solve their anxiety in the wrong way—through action. Therefore, they don’t address the
basic issue of the lack of internal contact.

The Self-Preservation subtype is more linked to survival issues. According to

vegetotherapy, sleep, hunger, and sex are expressions of the Self-Preservation instinct. It’s
an instinct related to the cervical ring, located in the neck. Navarro argues:

The limitation of neck movements reduces perceptual amplitude, and this makes the person
lose sight of the whole, privileging the personal. Their worldview is narrowed and
conditioned by their sociocultural environment and the ego ideal proposed that the person
must achieve in order not to despise themselves. [...] As our society favors what is
victorious, competitive, performance-oriented, and superior, the Atlas complex is reinforced,
meaning the personality that carries the world on its shoulders, assuming many
responsibilities and showcasing its efficiency.

Navarro completes his description of the rigid type as follows:

Due to the split between the head and the body (caused by neck stiffness), there is
non-rational support, with a preference for social roles over social function. The idea of
living for others and not with others ends up blocking their emotions, favoring technology
over science and art.

Beyond these fragmented references in specialized literature, it can be stated that there is
no academic equivalent for the Conservation E3, due to its optimal social adaptation and
the fact that the conventional criterion of personality pathology cannot register it.

The Sexual Subtype

In the Sexual E3, the passion is primarily focused on being loved. These individuals use
seduction to attract and please, especially the opposite sex. The falseness consists of
making the other believe that they will always be loved and cared for. They also believe
this themselves and sacrifice instinct and desire to be what the other desires, with the
fantasy that this will make them loved and accepted. Alternatively, they transform desire
into seduction in order to be desired and loved.
As Claudio Naranjo pointed out, E3 coincides with what Fromm called the marketing
orientation. A basic feature in this orientation is concern with self-presentation in a
“personality market.” Sexual E3s seek success with their partners by selling themselves
with sex appeal or attractiveness, offering intimacy, tenderness, care, and an “I will always
love you” message. The strategy is complacency. They cultivate sexual attractiveness and
manipulate their image to achieve that goal. Although they may appear cheerful and their
attitude may seem optimistic, brimming with self-confidence and happiness, the Sexual E3
character is rather insecure and timid compared to the social and Self-Preservation
subtypes.

Karen Horney describes ten patterns of needs: the need for recognition, the need for social
prestige, the need for control… which, when exaggerated or distorted, become neurotic.
These can be divided into three groups of adaptation strategies: submission, which is the
movement of going toward; aggression, which is going against; and withdrawal, which is
moving away.

The Sexual E3 presents an exaggerated need for affection and approval, and their
movement is going toward, which is manifested in their behavior as compulsive seduction
and indulgence to fill their insatiable hunger to be loved, due to their lack of intrinsic love
for their inner child. As a child, they learned that rebellion is dangerous and that pleasing is
the best strategy for protecting their heart: “If I can make you love me, you won’t hurt me,
and I feel valued.”

Sexual E3s are willing to pay any price, enduring the greatest cruelty, to feel loved.
Self-expression can no longer be spontaneous because it goes through an unconscious
filter that scans the situation and people for any potential rejection. The strategy of
guessing (an unconscious and automatic process) what is expected of them to be accepted
is also generated.

All of this expresses the loss of healthy self-esteem, where one takes oneself as a
reference. On one hand, there is pride, oriented toward their idealized being as a man or
woman without shadows, with a need to avoid anything that threatens their self-generated
and idealized image. On the other hand, this loss is experienced as an existential need to
have a partner. Everyone has this need, but in Sexual E3, it becomes the neurotic obsession
of having someone confirm that they are loved and support them in walking through life.
This includes the belief that erotic love will solve all problems.

When the need to be loved is not satisfied, they plunge into anxiety, feel lost, and life loses
its charm, due to the resignation and melancholy that arise when the lack of a partner or an
unhappy relationship confirms their low self-esteem. It can lead to such an existential crisis
that suicide is not uncommon in a Sexual E3 when they lose hope of finding the ideal
partner.
Karen Horney speaks of morbid dependency to describe people who depend on their
partner in a neurotic way, for whom erotic love is equivalent to “the keys to paradise.” The
German psychoanalyst dedicates an entire chapter in her book Neurosis and Human
Growth to this personality. There, she describes its dependency, which awaits the
fulfillment of expectations of love and affection in relationships, and the annulment of its
essence as an adaptive strategy. This is so profound that it implies enormous suffering.

This personality has a very controlling superego that constantly dictates how one should
be: kind, without feeling personally hurt, even more loving and generous, etc. But the most
important thing is to ensure that the relationship is harmonious at all times and to be loved
by the partner through one’s beauty in image and behavior.

If the relationship is based on unhealthy patterns, the person experiences it as a failure,

which motivates them even more to strive for it, preventing them from separating from
unsatisfactory relationships. This leads to a double strategy in the Sexual E3: they cannot
separate, which seems to be an “ability to give and love” (neurotically), and on the other
hand, it helps strengthen the idealized self, with the idea that they deserve to be loved for
so much kindness. This represses all uncomfortable and censored feelings in the
unconscious, especially those that may conflict with the partner or lead to rebellion against
others’ expectations and manipulations. There is a vulnerability that manifests as secret
pride.

According to Horney, this personality represses its expansive instincts, which generates
weakness. This weakness is compensated by the attempt to please and be liked, and it is
also reflected in the choice of a partner who promises the instinctive strength they lack,
thus protecting them. For Horney, the problem often starts with the partners they choose.
In their relationships, the projected and admired strength is often expressed in the idealized
person as violence and aggressive arrogance. Here, the Sexual E3 enters into conflict
because the aggression of the arrogant person is so humiliating that it generates enormous
repressed rejection within them. This type, Horney asserts, idealizes the ability to handle
life with arrogance and aggression. As a neurotic adaptation, they try to resolve internal
conflict and the loss of their instinctive strength by seeking ideal love outside themselves
with a partner who compensates for the strength they have nullified.

As the Sexual E3 is a melancholic character with chronic yet subtle sadness, it can be
confused with the Social E4. They easily perceive themselves as a victim and manipulate
through identification with shyness, weakness, and delicacy.

For this reason, we believe that the Sexual E3 also falls into this dependent character, much
like the Social E4, as mentioned by Claudio in his book Character and Neurosis for
Enneatype IV in general. Unlike E4, the Sexual E3 avoids falling into an internal state that
could be described as living in a “sea of tears” or a mentally addicted state to sadness,
victimhood, and lack. Instead, Sexual E3s compensate for the internal lack and dependence
on a partner with projected images of an immaculate life and family, portraying a controlled
fullness.

This would be the manifestation of the “AntiEros” of our time, which robs Eros of its
strength precisely because life and death embrace in the surrender of essence, experiencing
the fullness of life through death itself. A vital impoverishment expressed in the idealization
of the perfect woman, with the aseptic and sterile beauty of Hollywood’s female stars,
representing the Sexual E3 in the collective imagination. Thus, the life of the Sexual E3
revolves around the addiction to having an erotic partner who confirms what they most
desire: to feel alive and complete again “when they finally achieve self-love,” believing they
will find it in the loving attitude of the other.

We believe the Sexual E3 is a mixed character, being a hysteric rigid with oral and
psychopathic traits, as well as narcissistic components. This character is formed from a
wound in the oral phase, not having had sufficiently good mothering. This lack of a mother
is attempted to be compensated for at the beginning of the Oedipal stage, through the
desire for the father, wishing for what they didn’t have with the mother. Aspects of
narcissism and psychopathy are fixed there.

In our literature research, we found descriptions that align with the Sexual E3 pattern. The
characters described that most coincide with it are the phallic-narcissistic and hysteric
characters described by Lowen as narcissistic subtypes (a rigid system with significant
psychopathic components) and the hysteric personality described by Kernberg.

Claudio Naranjo recognizes the Enneatype III pattern in Kernberg’s description of the
hysterical personality; we also find it fitting and recognize it as characteristic of the Sexual
E3 subtype. This is Kernberg’s description, as quoted by Naranjo:

A predominant feature in women with a hysterical personality is their emotional instability.

They relate easily to others and are capable of maintaining warm emotional commitments
(with the significant exception of a response to sexual sensitivity). They are often theatrical
and even histrionic, but their way of showing affection is controlled and has aspects of
social adaptation. The way they dramatize their emotional experiences may give the
impression that their emotions are superficial, but exploration will reveal the opposite: their
emotional experiences are authentic. These women are emotionally unstable but not
inconsistent or unpredictable in their emotional reactions. They lose emotional control only
selectively, in front of some close individuals with whom they have intense conflicts,
especially of a sexual and competitive nature. Although hysterical women are prone to
emotional crises, they can distance themselves from these crises and evaluate them
afterward with realism. They can cry easily and tend toward sentimentality and
romanticism, but their cognitive abilities are intact.
As mentioned above, the Sexual E3 comprises components of the aforementioned
hysterical personality or Lowen’s hysterical rigid character, which is equivalent, in men, to
the phallic-narcissistic character. For Johnson, this character is a rigid system with
significant psychopathic (narcissistic) components. In the transition from DSM-II to DSM-III,
hysterical personality disorder disappeared from the official nomenclature of American
psychiatry. In its place, histrionic personality disorder appeared, which in our opinion more
clearly describes E2. Therefore, the Sexual E3 subtype is not represented in the DSM-IV.

Glen O. Gabbard distinguishes the hysteric disorder from the histrionic, stating that the
latter exhibits florid and generalized emotionality, impulsivity, and crude and inappropriate
seduction, all accompanied by a lax superego. In contrast, the hysterical character’s
emotionality is restricted and confined; there’s sexualized exhibitionism, the need to be
loved, good impulse control, and a subtly attractive seduction. It presents ambition and
competitiveness with a strict superego and some obsessive defenses. This last description
is the one that most aligns with the Sexual E3 subtype.

There is also a contrast between the hysterical and narcissistic characters. Hysterics are
described as hypersensitive individuals who exaggerate feelings, while narcissists
downplay them. Hysterics feel guilt and anxiety, whereas narcissists tend toward
depression and emptiness. However, as Lowen points out, these distinctions are theoretical,
as individuals often exhibit both hysterical and narcissistic elements, as well as anxiety and
depression, at the same time.

In the hysterical-narcissistic character described by Lowen, a close relationship between

narcissism and sexuality is observed. Similar to the phallic-narcissistic man, the hysterical
woman described by Lowen is preoccupied with her sexual image. Her narcissism comes
out in a tendency to be seductive and to measure her value by her sexual appeal. Being a
woman, softness is her essential quality, and receptivity is evident. She, too, is
self-confident, often arrogant, vigorous, and impressive, seducing with her “feminine”
charms.

In his book The Language of the Body, Lowen revisits the relationship established by
psychoanalytic writers between the hysterical character and the genital conflict that arises
from the unresolved Oedipal situation. Every hysterical character approaches sexuality with
an unconscious attitude derived from this situation, which expresses itself in ambivalence
towards the sexual object corresponding to the girl’s attitude towards her father. For
Lowen, the basis of the hysterical character structure is an ambivalent attitude towards the
male. On the one hand, desire is blocked by a fear rooted in the original rejection of the
child’s sexuality by the father; on the other hand, there is inhibited anger towards him from
the repressed longing. Thus, repressed anger and pride prevent a direct approach to the
male. Nevertheless, the woman uses sexual gestures to seduce and attract him, enticing
him into a sexually aggressive action. Sometimes, there is a show of resistance, overcome
by force. Often, she submits and feels abused and innocent because she is unaware of her
provocation. Under the apparent submission is an aggressive attitude that leads to sexual
discharge. The pursuit by the male tends to repair the narcissistic injury suffered by the
father’s rejection of the young girl’s sexual love. The pattern of response is: teasing,
resistance, and then submission. This cycle is well represented in the movie Lust, Caution,
where a woman seduces a powerful tyrant with the aim of deceiving him and becomes
entangled in a story of infatuation and submission to his sadistic rule.

Lowen describes how, despite the rigidity and armoring of this character, the pelvis is more
or less soft and sexually alive, with a sway of the hips that gives sex appeal. Although
present in a rigid body where the superficial tensions are strong and limit the fullness of
discharge, the personality is divided between genitality and tender, loving feelings. A
characteristic of the rigid character, according to Bioenergetics, is the division between the
heart and sexuality:

The hysterical character functions without symptoms as long as the balance between
energy production and discharge is maintained. But so long as this balance is maintained at
a level other than one close to full capacity, life is relatively unexciting and meaningless.

Feelings of boredom, being in a rut, and dissatisfaction are common in these individuals,
who then pursue deeper feelings by flirting, seeking romance, and engaging in extramarital
relations.

Lowen considers himself a phallic-narcissistic character, highlighting the close relationship

he had with his mother and how he was the apple of her eye. This maternal or paternal
need for control and possession diminishes the child’s sense of self. They are seen as a
trophy rather than for who they are, leading to the ego becoming bigger than the self and
the development of a narcissistic personality, confused between who they are and what
they represent for others. Narcissists experience chronic insecurity and dissatisfaction,
which is common in the Sexual E3 character. However, the description of narcissism that
aligns more closely with the Sexual E3 is a type of narcissism described by Alexander
Lowen. The creator of Bioenergetics designates narcissism as “the insanity of our time” and
describes three types of narcissistic disorder based on the degree of self-alteration or loss:

1.​ Phallic-Narcissistic character,

2.​ Narcissistic character, and
3.​ Borderline personality.

The narcissist of the first type is the man dedicated to conquest. Reich describes him as
someone positioned between compulsive neurosis and hysteria, specifically aligning with
the male Sexual E3. Reich used the term “hysterical character” to describe a female
personality structure equivalent to the phallic-narcissistic man. Kohut described a
narcissistically vulnerable type, prone to self-fragmentation. Glen O. Gabbard places these
types as two opposite extremes on a continuum, calling the first oblivious narcissism and
the second hypervigilant narcissism. The Sexual E3 character corresponds more to the
narcissism of the second type, highly sensitive to reactions of others, inhibited and shy,
directing attention more toward others than toward self, and whose feelings are easily hurt.

The Social Subtype

The reflections on the core narcissism of E3 presented in the preceding sections have
allowed us to identify specific prevalent traits within the structure of the Social E3 subtype.
However, from an intrapsychic perspective, the Social E3 subtype specifically exhibits what
Bleichmar refers to as “secondary pathological narcissism” (Bleichmar, 1997). Faced with
the inability to cope with certain narcissistic anxieties—ranging from pure disintegration
anxiety to feelings of dissatisfaction, envy, dependence, boredom, or emptiness—the
individual will develop compensatory attempts to boost their self-esteem. In this way, the
grandiose sense of self-importance becomes a defensive mechanism that enables them to
escape these anxieties.

Noteworthy intrapsychic mechanisms include a demanding and perfectionist superego that

relentlessly demands a supply of achievements. Under this internal pressure, the person
feels compelled to earn the admiration of this superego. Success makes them feel grand,
while failures in love, work, or therapy make them feel inadequate.

On an interpersonal level, there is a tendency to denigrate or downgrade others in order to

feel superior. When unsuccessful, they may socially withdraw, exhibiting a narcissistic,
prideful abandonment, often conveyed through the message, “I don’t need you.”

The most common compensations are not so much fantasies and behaviors of omnipotence
or megalomania (which are closer to Enneatype VII) but rather the use of material
possessions, such as a nice house, a car, or a brand-name watch, which symbolize an
idealized status. Social E3 narcissistic individuals often position themselves as equals to the
therapist, seeking an alliance against others. They struggle with dependence, sharing their
difficulties, and connecting with their own limitations.

Histrionics, a core aspect of the Vanity character, are particularly pronounced in the Social
E3 subtype. The histrionic personality disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV, helps identify
specific traits of the Social E3. The most notable diagnostic feature is the general pattern of
excessive emotionalism and the need to be the center of attention. The Social E3 feels
uncomfortable, or even rejected, in situations where they don’t achieve this. Therefore, they
will go to great lengths to impress others and keep the focus on themselves.

They exhibit seductive behavior, meticulously tending to their physical appearance. Their
manner of speaking is primarily subjective and lacking in nuance, with assertive expressions
but vague or diffuse arguments. They tend toward self-dramatization and exaggerated
theatricality, often becoming the life of the party. Their emotional expression is superficial
and changeable. They are highly suggestible, easily influenced by others, trends, or
circumstances. In relation to authority figures, they tend to be trusting, believing that these
figures will solve problems in extraordinary ways. Finally, these individuals often consider
relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.

In terms of physical appearance, both male and female Social E3s typically have a lean
body structure and a dry, more austere face, which can be described as a “beautiful mask.”

Emotionally, the social subtype exhibits traits of rigidity: it is more demanding, more
perfectionist, more chameleon-like, more service-oriented, more efficient, more exquisite,
more dynamic, entrepreneurial, competitive, and fierce (with an aggressive impulse close to
the surface). They show more resistance to stopping and a greater need to release their
anxiety through action. This subtype fears staying in a state of emptiness more than others.
They often use literalness as an aggressive weapon and are more ruthless. Socially, they
tend to be more successful and more mercantile. Their image is more diffuse than that of
other subtypes, creating insecurity and a constant need for image management.
Conservation E3
 Conservation E3

Passion in the Sphere of Instinct: How Vanity Works In The

Conservation Subtype

E3 is often associated with a person who constantly looks in the mirror because a vain
person needs to confirm their external appearance. However, experience shows that the
vain person often has little awareness of their physical features. What they see in the mirror
is merely an image that others might find pleasurable to look at. In front of a mirror, E3s do
not see themselves but rather imagine being embodied in another person who is looking at
the reflection. We can conclude that E3s live several characters within themselves, chosen
according to the need to transform into an object of desire for others.

The theory of instincts shows that the passion of vanity, by invading the instinct of
self-preservation, produces an emphasis on attention to survival and on control that
ensures primary needs. It takes the form of proving, to oneself and to others, the capacity to
solve concrete life issues as a competent person, with a compulsive motivation to transform
each act into something that generates external recognition. This recognition is what E3
relies on to feel their own existence. The Conservation E3 compensates for its extreme
vulnerability in the basics of life with the feedback it receives from others and the illusion
that this recognition guarantees their basic and primary needs.

Conservation in the service of vanity can lead to self-annihilation, where one tries not to
stand out to avoid rejection or hatred, as hatred poses a threat to survival. This mindset can
be summarized as follows: “If I do what is expected of me, I won’t be at risk of being hated
or endangered.”

In doing so, individuals of this subtype seek to prove their usefulness and indispensability
to others. Their world revolves around the concrete, the visible, and the tangible. They
constantly engage with practical matters or maintain an ever-expanding to-do list. Their
most distinguishing trait is their knack for finding solutions to a wide range of problems,
from fixing furniture to navigating the complexities of child adoption.

Personally, my fixation on security has become almost overwhelming. The fear of failure
looms so large that I often sacrifice the present to ensure the future. Take food, for
example—I typically eat only half and set aside the rest, believing I need to save some for
tomorrow, even if I won’t eat it. It’s only once I’ve secured that little bit for later that I find
peace. It’s as if an eternal battle for survival rages within me, driving a perpetual desire to
have or acquire things, especially material possessions, as a means of guaranteeing a
secure future.​
(Sandra)

Perhaps the most significant need, or one closest to the core, of the Conservation E3 is
inclusion—the sense of participation or belonging. Melanie Klein had a unique way of
describing how the gaze of others shapes, structures, and validates one’s existence. It
appears that the Conservation E3 has not fully emancipated itself from this fundamental
need and spends its life relentlessly seeking this gaze, much like a pursuer.

This leads to two significant interconnected dynamics: an innocent, self-assured, and

optimistic openness, coupled with suspicion and disillusionment—the belief that “I won’t
receive anything from others if I don’t do anything to get it.”

Above all else, the desire for belonging and recognition takes precedence. The notion that
“there’s no love for me as I am” might seem irrational, yet it has its roots in real experiences
within the family during infancy. The family does embrace the E3 child as part of the family
unit, but not for who they truly are. In response to this distortion, the child ends up adopting
a behavioral strategy to secure the feeling of acceptance within the family. This blending of
two realms of existence during early childhood is illuminated by the following account:

We lived in a small house with my grandmother and my paternal uncle, lacking any sense
of privacy. My family did not accept my vitality, anger, or sensitivity. Whenever conflicts
arose between my siblings, my parents would physically restrain me. I was the strongest
and most energetic, and it was easier to send me to a corner than address the disputes. My
family could not handle such a vivacious child with so much energy, and felt compelled to
compulsively castrate me. My need for acceptance and security was so intense that I
overlooked the fact that others intended to harm me; hence was born my naïve kindness,
which persists even when others exploit it to take advantage of me.​
(Ferran)

The Conservation E3’s aspiration is to reestablish contact and fusion with the other. This
leads to an overwhelming need to be virtuous while avoiding coming to terms with the
other’s destructive intent towards them. Consequently, in the midst of a conflict, they fail to
perceive the genuine nature of the relationship and construct an idealized image of the
other person (in addition to their self-image as a virtuous individual) that absolves them.
They neglect to recognize that if the person doesn’t fulfill their needs, they may persist in
acting destructively.
What motivates the Conservation E3 to behave in this way? Likely, it stems from a profound
sense of loss:

As a child, I once experienced an unbearable pain connected to survival. I cried out, “Let me
live; I simply wish to live in peace. Why do they seek to harm me when I haven’t wronged
them, and I’ve only wished them well?” It was a heartrending cry of loss and an
acknowledgment of the reality of the world, which differed from my internal experience. As
a child, I had no other choice but to disconnect from my true self, adopt the role of the
righteous, and fulfill the other’s desires and needs. It was a matter of pure survival, as I
couldn’t be independent at that time.​
(Ferran)

From this longing to belong also arises the belief that the love of the other must be earned
through actions. These actions have external origins (“I do what is expected of me, not what
I feel, desire, or need”) and serve an internal purpose: obtaining recognition, which the
Conservation E3 constantly craves. To achieve this, they comply with other people’s
demands while suppressing their own needs. This approach fails to bring genuine
satisfaction, as only the neurotic need is fulfilled, perpetuating an unending cycle of seeking
approval without revealing their true self: “I must be the best so that you approve of me.”
The need persists because it is never truly satisfied. It is a yearning for recognition that
originates from the wrong place.

The Conservation E3, therefore, lacks genuine confidence that by simply being themselves,
they can receive what they need. In essence, the idea of receiving without effort seems
unimaginable to them. Their inner dialogue leads to the conclusion, “If I desire something, I
must earn it,” resulting in the absence of selfless love, which is their true requirement: to be
loved for who they are, not for what they do.

It’s as if I don’t think I have enough; I always want to have more and more, and that’s why
work becomes so important—the guarantee of survival. It’s as if I think I can’t rest. I need to
do a lot today because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. The pressure to maintain
relationships, friendships, and material possessions is overwhelming: I am always focused
on showcasing efficiency, practicality, dynamism, courage, kindness, love, dedication, and
adaptability.​
(Sandra)

Another neurotic need of the conservative E3 is determination, the ability to achieve. There
is an implicit assumption: “If I try hard enough, I will get it.” There’s no room for the concept
of receiving freely, and there’s an internal “no” (“I am not”) as well as an external “no”
(“there is none”); the compulsion is to do in order to be.
During a retreat to Brazil, I was deeply impacted by the concept of “attitude” that Daime
(the experience) presented to me. It was a powerful word that influenced me throughout
the year. I found myself constantly rationalizing my attitude, thinking, “I need to do this, I
should do that,” and I once again fell into a state of external action and a kind of paranoia,
particularly in my relationship with my partner. I began to do, do, do, searching for external
attitudes to heal my emotions.

I continued to suppress my emotions and damage, and I realized that my denial stemmed
from a strong sense of superiority, with the firm belief that “I can save myself; I have the
strength to cure myself. I can save others and even the world.” In my eagerness to save, it
felt like I was seeking validation from God Himself, as if I were almost an angel. It was as if I
needed God to recognize my angelic qualities and draw me closer to Him. In this pursuit, I
denied all that was human, instinctive, and visceral, as if these aspects separated me from
the Divine. In reality, it was my current experiences that separated me from my inner
divinity, my truth. While I had everything well explained and understood, I found it
incredibly challenging. That’s when I realized that Daime was asking for an inner attitude,
one that required me to first discover my own truth and embrace it, regardless of how
others might react. Whether the other person is happy or not is their concern; my primary
concern is to find peace within myself.​
(Gisele)

The passion of the Conservation E3 is characterized by a constant need to be seen without

completely surrendering, as if they are always on display. This deep need for
acknowledgment arises from a feeling of not having been perceived sufficiently. Some
individuals describe a sense of abandonment, expressing sentiments like, “I wasn’t seen the
way I needed to be seen.” This may explain their desire to exhibit themselves—to draw
attention, albeit discreetly, so as not to be overt. As Maribel puts it, “I don’t enjoy being
invisible, but even less so being in the spotlight for the wrong reasons.”

In their quest to be noticed, and due to their unwavering commitment to this display,
Conservation E3s find it challenging to step out of the spotlight and embrace intimacy.
Nonetheless, there exists a profound longing for someone to recognize the insincerity of
this position and come to their rescue. As Vera expresses it, it’s like yearning for “a prince or
princess who knows how to play the rusty strings of passion and love.”

In the absence of external support, conservatives have learned from an early age to live
outside themselves: “I only exist if I am looked at,” “I am only looked at if I am useful.” Here
are some core ideas, according to various testimonies, that trigger their commitment:

●​ I learned to forget about myself in order to survive.

●​ If I reveal my needs, I’ll end up alone.
●​ I deny spontaneous existence: it’s better if I become someone else.
 ●​ I struggle to surrender to myself, preventing myself from truly embracing who I am. I
exercise self-control because there’s no one “looking out for me.”
●​ There’s an inner belief that no one can support me, and that love is contingent upon
my actions.
●​ The measuring stick is not my own.
●​ What I like is not important.
●​ I need to please, to shine above all, as a guarantee that I will be loved, respected, or
valued; that I can exist.
●​ I simultaneously fear that I lack inherent worth, yet feel certain that I must rely on
myself and be self-sufficient.
●​ I demonstrate to myself the capacity to do, achieve, and speak with authority. By
proving this to myself, I gain the assurance that I exist and that I’m living “correctly.”
No one can point at me and declare me worthless or order, “Off with you.”
●​ I have a terrible fear of social death, of being erased.
●​ Fear of criticism acts as a driving force, motivating me to improve. I won’t get
“caught” again.
●​ I have a high tolerance for physical discomfort. Although my body complains about
overexertion, I interpret it as a ‘weakness’ that must be concealed and disregarded.
●​ I believe that if I stop, what’s the point? I lack awareness of my physiological needs
as ‘authentic.’ It is a hindrance to have a body and to take care of it.

In conclusion, the core need of the conservative E3 is security. And what is the underlying
mechanism that leads them there? A fundamental fear of dying.

As they detach from their childhood roots, they find themselves without the internal
support of self-identity and lacking the external protection from the adults who should
safeguard them. This is when they begin to perceive the real possibility of facing death in a
world that seems hostile or foreign—an external universe with which they can only connect
if they disconnect from their own true selves. The fear of dying sometimes consumes their
consciousness, prompting them to adopt a strategy of escaping existential anguish, making
them a mere function of the expectations and desires of others. They surrender to the will
of those upon whom their life seems to depend, resulting in an ontic obscurity that prevents
them from recognizing that their existence, in reality, is not contingent on others but is
inherently connected to their own being.

This journey into the core reveals the dynamic foundation of E3, which is underpinned by
the passion of E6: fear. It’s not difficult to understand how this fear of survival emerges
because surrendering one’s being to others implies placing one’s life in the hands of those
others. To actualize one’s own personality, it becomes essential to individualize and
differentiate oneself:
So far, I’ve done the impossible to avoid losing someone, even if they didn’t value me at all.
My crazy idea was: “If I’m good and fulfill their needs, they’ll love me; I won’t lose them.”
Now, I’m beginning to live based on reality, not by creating an idealized image of the other
or my ‘goodness.’

I’ve been able to embark on this journey from the moment I distanced myself from that
person, started to differentiate, and gained perspective. The first step was acknowledging
the importance of what is mine, understanding my right to be and express myself as I am.
Once I reached this point, and faced with their neuroses, I learned to remain within myself
and cope with the possibility of losing them.​
(Ferran)

“You may think you’re dominating me, but deep down, I’ll be the one seducing and
controlling you. I’ll become so indispensable to you that you’ll depend on me, yet I’ll never
fully commit to you. When you start expecting more from me, I won’t give it to you; I’ll
somehow distance myself and reject you. I will do to you what you did to me.” That’s the
game: getting my way without being too obvious about it.​
(Javier)

Beneath the pain of feeling isolated in the world—when, during childhood, E3 didn’t feel
seen or allowed to be themselves—and the sense of emptiness, stemming from the
absence of external validation and self-identity, emerges an acute fear of mortality. This
fear is accompanied by the development of vanity as a defense mechanism to evade the
existential fear lurking between the realms of survival and death. The path to therapeutic
hope and self-realization lies in acknowledging the intrinsic worth of one’s existence and
confronting the fear that resides beneath the emptiness.

The Characteristic Neurotic Need

As we’ve observed, the neurotic motivation behind vanity in the conservationist subtype is
driven by the need to alleviate the sense of existential fragility. The efforts to manage
anxiety related to basic needs become a passion, taking the form of an excessive search for
security. This leads us to the core behavioral trait of this subtype, with “security” being the
defining key word. It’s all about ensuring survival—nothing more, nothing less. Recognition
from others serves as a foundation for this sense of security.

Consequently, the Conservation E3ist doesn’t typically seek the limelight, as it carries an
element of risk that they prefer to avoid. This is a hallmark of the more conspicuous form of
vanity. Of course, this is a false humility because the apparent lack of vanity is, in essence, a
desire to stand out while remaining inconspicuous. Conservation E3ists seek and offer love
within the framework of security. They are adept counselors and conversationalists, often
striving for perfection in their pursuits.

Being so seemingly confident and determined, the conservatives rarely ask for help or
acknowledge that they need it:

“In the face of escalating insecurity during the war, I created my own sense of
security by tensing my body, making myself small, and suppressing my needs.
As I grew a little older, between the ages of eight and twelve, I started to feign
fearlessness, locking away my emotions, finding safety in sports, gymnastics,
and girl scouts.”​
– Ilse

The instinct of self-preservation, at the service of vanity, is also linked to an image of

goodness and perfection—not in the sense of feeling superior to others, but rather a belief
that they are so perfect that they don’t even need to seem perfect. They can appear flawed
if it serves their purpose. This image provides security by ensuring ongoing acceptance by
others, upon whom they depend almost entirely. Conservation E3ists are not inclined to
lose their way; it’s as if they believe nothing will go wrong.

Moreover, they foster love by making relationships easy; they resolve conflicts and handle
anger independently, without relying on others. In the eyes of the world, such an individual
is highly valuable, often seen as exceedingly useful (a word that appears most often in the
vocabulary of an Conservation E3ist), because they excel at being discreet and perceptive
about the desires and needs of those around them.

However, this utility comes at a cost: their own personal development becomes challenging
because those who benefit from their assistance are not interested in taking it back. As
Suzy poignantly notes:

“A friend of mine used to say that E3s shouldn’t engage in personal

development work because they become ‘useless’ people.”

It should come as no surprise that anxiety is a constant companion for Conservation E3ist
types, often manifesting in an unrelenting pursuit of perfection and correctness. They have
a strong desire for things to be “whole,” looking new and well-maintained. Anything less
disrupts their sense of security and can trigger feelings of decline and failure.

“I have a constant frown etched on my face from the accumulated worry.

Everything has to be okay; everything around me has to be fine. The moment
something goes wrong, I’m there, urgently trying to fix it. I once had a telling
image of myself: I’m like a stake that’s not pushed into the ground, standing
upright because it’s surrounded by other stakes leaning on it, supporting it. So
 the apparent supporter is actually the one being supported.”​
– Maribel

“I’ve sold myself and the world the image of ‘being secure’: ‘Everything is fine,’
‘everything is under control.’ It’s a way of not revealing my inner insecurity, lest
it be discovered that I’m not as secure as I pretend.”​
– Ilse

How does someone with such preoccupations navigate the world? Conservative E3s are
tireless workers, with effectiveness and efficiency being key to their self-care. They tend to
strive to be the first and the best, which leads to placing great importance on personal
accomplishments. They become nearly obsessed, often subconsciously, with the idea that
they can handle everything themselves, while simultaneously craving recognition. As a
result, they become experts in multitasking, as if they had ten arms and ten legs.

Their love language is an act of service, and if their efforts aren’t acknowledged or are
criticized, they may experience frustration and anger.

“I believed that by investing more hours in my company, I could maintain

control of my department. In case anything went awry, no one could accuse me
of not putting in my best effort or being negligent. I aimed to always go the
extra mile so no one could raise objections. My boss even pointed out that I
seemed to take on responsibility for the actions of the two hundred employees
in the department.”​
– Assumpta

“I assumed that ‘I can do it all on my own.’ I openly disdain people who are
dependent. I derived a sense of satisfaction from achieving economic
independence and prosperity, all the while pretending that it hadn’t been
challenging (though I now admit it was).”​
– Ilse

For the Conservation E3 subtype, being accepted, understood, and recognized for their
competence and care is a fundamental need, just as essential as security. When this
recognition is lacking, they often go about things automatically, according to others’
expectations. This can lead to frustration and a sense of failure, which deals a significant
blow to their self-esteem and wounded vanity.

Closely tied to this need for recognition is the pain they feel when it’s overlooked by those
to whom they’ve dedicated themselves. The Conservation E3ist silently waits for
acknowledgment and doesn’t feel loved if they have nothing to offer or no one is seeking
their assistance.
As they grow older and are no longer available to their family and friends, there is often a
fear of the future. They worry about who will love them when they become seemingly
useless. This is why they seem more concerned about the later stages of life—like the fear
of being a burden, physical dependence, financial insecurity, or abandonment—than the
prospect of death.

What drives this subtype to live in this manner is the profound fear of acknowledging and
taking responsibility for what is often unseen—namely, their inner feelings and needs.

On the other hand, the Conservation E3ist approaches things and people in a “practical”
manner, prioritizing functionality over aesthetics. For instance, when selecting a car, safety
takes precedence, and for a home, convenience in commuting to work is essential.

In practical aspects, the Conservation E3ist appears to have everything well-organized and
at their fingertips. They give off the impression of living in a watchtower where they keep
an eye on parents, children, friends, and others.

The security comes from being “the best” in terms of efficiency and adept at resolving
work-related, emotional, and practical issues. I put on a front, suggesting that I have an
understanding, insight, and empathy. I subtly like to share my achievements and
adventures, such as saying things like, “Aren’t you impressed? What an interesting life I
lead.” There’s an inherent need in me to be a better person, to shine as an intelligent,
accomplished professional, therapist, teacher—someone prudent, correct, honest, and
essentially a “good person.”

However, I often find it quite challenging to confront the people I care about, fearing that
they might not reciprocate my love or that they’ll leave me.​
– Ilse

Their relationships are established with an eye on the future rather than the immediate
present. A conservative may maintain a friend "in hell" in case they end up there. They
approach people in a practical and utilitarian manner, considering what a friend or partner
can offer them if things were to take a turn for the worse. They don’t necessarily experience
the relationship in the present but "invest" in it for potential future needs.

This characterological picture conceals significant insecurities and a fear of making mistakes
or appearing foolish. It also implies that they cannot lose control, leading to self-imposed
strict control over themselves and their emotions, which they may even deny. They maintain
a high degree of honesty, although they can be self-deceptive in the E3 tradition. Their
public image is impeccable, but in private moments, they may allow their negativity to
surface and occasionally exhibit despotic behavior.
These individuals are heavily influenced by the looming specter of failure and
incompetence. In their imagination, they are constantly haunted by the feeling that they’re
not as good as the expectations set for them. To counter this, they immerse themselves in
tasks that make them feel needed and significant; they feel the need to try harder, compete
more, and shine even brighter. This compulsive busyness serves as a way to escape the
anxiety of potential failure. It’s akin to self-sabotage, where they avoid taking on greater
challenges—such as a higher-responsibility role or pursuing a doctorate—in order to evade
risks. Additionally, dedicating a substantial part of their life to controlling the lives of others
can be part of this strategy to elude the fear of failure:

"I can barely tolerate the smallest failures, minor mistakes, an ill-timed word, an oversight,
not arriving on time, not anticipating something, not pleasing everyone, or even getting a
gift wrong. Above all, the thought of hurting someone or causing suffering is particularly
unsettling. When such situations arise, I become even more agitated, and in this state, I’m
less efficient, growing increasingly nervous, attempting to compensate for the perceived
wrong with additional actions."​
(Maribel)

Within this character profile, there is a notable struggle to allow themselves to rest,
recognize personal limits in action, and even acknowledge their own fatigue. Consequently,
it’s very challenging for them to "let themselves get sick" and accept care. This pattern
emerges from the interplay of two attitudes: “I downplay my own needs” and “if you need
me, I am available.”

"Everyone can count on me and I’ll do anything to please them if asked. I, on the other
hand, do not know how to ask, I do not know how to receive. I cannot be indebted. The
concept of receiving without strings attached is hard for me to grasp."​
(Maribel)

As a result, this character, molded by the desires of others, assumes the role of a caretaker.
The Conservation E3ist remains attached to the self-image of being responsible, useful, and
dependable. In this behavior, aggressiveness rarely surfaces, except in subtle forms.

Neurosis makes it challenging to acknowledge their own limitations and imperfections, and
as a result, it fosters a self-destructive, depressive, or even melancholic inclination. During
this phase, there’s a tendency to be self-critical, harsh, impatient, and demanding with
oneself. However, this is the very moment to develop a connection with fears and
emptiness, as it offers an opportunity for self-healing through transformative experiences
instead of persistently seeking answers in unsatisfactory experiences and encounters,
driven solely by the compulsion for external validation.
Interpersonal Strategy and Associated Irrational Ideas

The ontic obscurity in Conservation E3 leads them to engage with others through a
carefully cultivated image. This image is one of intelligence, efficiency, and kindness,
conveying the message: “You’ll be well and safe by my side; I’m your best friend and
confidant; I’ll always be loyal to you.” However, this deep sense of loyalty is somewhat
misunderstood, as they prioritize the needs of others at the expense of their own. It’s as if
they don’t allow the other person to feel hungry or needy, establishing a subtle power
dynamic based on unspoken dependence.

A phrase often characterizing Conservation E3 is, “Just step aside; I’ll handle it myself.”
While this may seem helpful, it reveals an underlying sense of overzealous initiative and
impatience, driven by the belief that “I know how to do things, and I know how to do them
better than you” or “My way is the right way, and you just don’t realize it yet.” This
concealed arrogance exists behind a gentle and amiable facade. Deep down, they believe
they’re subtly teaching others how to do things, though not in the same directive manner as
an E1; they may even come across as humble.

Conservation E3ists often harbor a strong competitive spirit, constantly measuring

themselves against others. As a result, they automatically disregard alternative approaches
to tasks because they can’t see that another approach may be equally valid.

Another implicit notion prevailing in their thinking is, “If I invest my energy, vitality, and
motivational prowess, I can make things happen.” This magical thinking perpetuates a cycle
of relentless activity and a sense of empowerment. Their remarkable persuasiveness is
directed both at themselves and others. This persuasive ability is underpinned by their
finely honed charm: a perpetually warm smile, a positive and cheerful demeanor, and
attentive, caring gestures. Someone so pleasant and good-natured can’t be contradicted or
proven wrong.

In their pursuit of being liked and doing everything right, Conservation E3ists invest an
immense amount of energy. They project an image of being completely available to
everyone, often lacking their own criteria, under the assumption that “there’s something
positive to be gained from everyone.” They create a facade of accepting everyone, hoping
for mutual affirmation. As a result, they appear fair and nonjudgmental, seemingly
refraining from criticizing others’ actions. This approach serves as a defense mechanism
against pain, as Conservation E3ists can’t tolerate devaluation or criticism, particularly in
public settings. For instance, this sensitivity becomes evident in situations where:

“I’m okay with being wrong; what I fear is losing control of the situation, going mad, or
forgetting… anything that disrupts control. I strive not only to do what’s suitable but, if
possible, to excel with a modest appearance, although I’m aware that I’m noticed.”​
(Maribel)

In response to this existential void, this type presents an exterior of self-sufficiency,

confidence, and at times, a touch of arrogance. They seek to draw attention in any setting,
whether through clever words, attire, liveliness, humor—whatever makes them more visible
in that context.

Their fundamental interpersonal strategy is to gain recognition by becoming indispensable

to others. For the Conservation E3ist, this is how they feel they “earn their right to exist in
the world.” Once in this position, they perceive themselves as invulnerable, untouchable,
and beyond questioning. Their underlying belief is, “With all I do for you, how can you
question my right to your love?”

In essence, it is profoundly liberating for the conservationist when they connect with deep
feelings of tenderness, softness, and emotional connection, whether with another person or
their own existence. However, achieving this state typically requires a relaxed setting. In
critical situations, emotions are often set aside to make room for action.

These insights shed light on Me-You relationships, where the Conservation E3ist appears
devoted and available. Nevertheless, the depth of their interactions often remains
superficial. Beyond the façade of gaining the other’s recognition by being flawless and
unproblematic, they struggle to acknowledge their own needs. This dynamic results in a
relationship of dependence on the other person. The relationship primarily revolves around
“You” for the secondary benefit of “I,” with often little space for “We.” In the irrational notion
of “I take care of you so that you love me,” the Conservation E3ist hides their fragility and
vulnerability. Their unspoken expectation is, “I’m always here when you need me, and when
I need you, you’ll be there too. I won’t ask for anything, but you have to handle the situation
as I see fit.”

As a result, the Conservation E3ist is highly sensitive to the mistakes of others. If they
reveal their vulnerability and the other person doesn’t meet their expectations, they may
hold a grudge. Their hurt feelings aren’t expressed directly but manifest as advice. You
won’t hear them say, “I need you to…” but rather, “Don’t you think it’s more convenient if…”
or “If I were in your shoes, I’d…” Essentially, they believe there’s a right way to act and that
others should follow it, expecting reciprocity. As one perspective put it, “If you assist me, it
must be done my way, or I’ll instruct you on how.”

Another way the conservationist avoids mistakes is by emulating what’s deemed suitable
for a given situation. However, if the other person doesn’t reciprocate, they might respond
with coldness and detachment as a form of aggression and disqualification. Furthermore,
they tend to disregard the other, treating them as if they don’t exist in case they feel let
down.

It’s noteworthy that the Conservation E3ist rarely leaves room for others to assist them.
Deep down, there’s a profound distrust that others will be there for them. In this manner,
they render the other nonexistent (and, consequently, refrain from seeking help or
forgiveness).

This highlights how Conservation E3 further intensifies their sense of isolation. Their only
way of connecting with others is by being there for them, assuming a position of superiority
to avoid causing trouble or being a burden. The irrational belief underlying this behavior is:
“If I am useful to you, you want me; if I’m a nuisance, you don’t.” Thus, relationships become
transactional exchanges – “I’ll serve you for this purpose, and you’ll serve me for that.” It’s a
poignant observation that they fail to comprehend relationships as emotional support and
nourishment, which could foster genuine human connection and growth. However, they
remain oblivious to this absence, often compensating with busyness.

Another facet to consider is how they express anger, which is rarely displayed openly
because it’s deemed unsightly or uncultured. Instead, it surfaces as irony, comparisons, and
disparaging remarks. When the Conservation E3ist feels unfairly treated, they may resort to
crying fits in front of the other, though more often, they retreat into a private melancholy,
akin to a child.

Consequently, their emotional responses can be childlike and histrionic. On one hand, they
might shed tears when criticized, casting themselves as the ultimate victim. On the other
hand, when embarking on a new friendship or project, they can become animated and
exuberant. In the company of more expressive types, such as E7, E8, and E2, they may even
engage in flamboyant gestures and behavior, attempting to convey an air of cheerfulness
and joviality:

“I tend to bottle up my emotions and repress them. When I face something requiring a
strong reaction, it’s as if I don’t feel anything at that moment. I only allow myself to
experience those emotions after the situation has passed. It’s like I repress and postpone
my feelings. Allowing myself to feel in the present moment is quite challenging; there’s a
significant emotional blockage at that instant. I have this fear that I might make a fool of
myself, appear weak, or be humiliated, thinking that those emotions don’t fit the situation.
I’m concerned about the shame, what others will think, and that people might laugh at me.”​
(Sandra)

Regarding the psychodynamic shift from merging with others to self-differentiation, the
underlying need of this subtype for a primal connection and existential unity compels them
to adapt to others. Consequently, they often struggle to establish authentic connections
with both others and themselves. This compulsive confluence with the other hinders their
self-differentiation, which would result from self-acceptance and the redirection of their
energy toward maintaining their unique individuality in relation to others. The conservative
subtype continues to make the mistake of investing their energy in serving others and
fitting into the world instead of focusing on their own self-individuation.

In their interpersonal relationships, especially in family and romantic relationships, egoism

prevails among Conservation E3ists. They often resist adapting to new situations and prefer
to adhere to established patterns. When confronted with the limitations of others, rather
than expressing themselves, they conform to avoid rejection, conflict, or separation. This
inclination to live for the sake of others becomes a central theme in their lives.

Ultimately, this strong inclination to be loved by satisfying the needs of others only steers
them further away from genuine human connections. To have authentic relationships, one
must relate based on truth and reality. Overcoming the fear of loss is essential in this
process. Understanding that authentic connections can only be built on both positive and
negative emotions, including expressions of anger and inadequacy, is pivotal in transitioning
from vanity to true human connection.

Other Characteristic Features and Psychodynamic

Considerations

Origins

The Conservation E3 character is shaped in an unstable environment. These individuals

typically grew up in a context where they were compelled to fend for themselves, often
taking care of their parents in the hope of receiving care in return. This environment is
usually marked by chaos, often stemming from a challenging family situation. The young
Conservation E3 child frequently feels isolated or receives minimal emotional support,
which may be linked to a family member’s illness. In both scenarios, there is little space for
emotional expression or for acknowledging one’s own needs. As a result, they learn early
on to "not need." They suppress awareness of their needs and project this suppression as
an intense focus on attending to the needs of others. This behavior is positively reinforced,
leading the Conservation E3 personality to believe that their place in the world is secured
by doing “good” and being seen as a virtuous person.

What this image of “goodness” hides is a deep sense of inadequacy, not only in an external
sense but also in an existential one. Sometimes, the Conservation E3 type faces humiliation
if things are not done as expected or if they fail to look after themselves. This humiliation is
further exacerbated by internalized messages like, "You’re stupid for falling," or "You’re
stupid for drowning in the pool," or even, "If you fall, come to me and I’ll teach you a lesson
so you learn not to." These messages reinforce the idea of self-sufficiency. They stem not
only from a lack of trust that others will be there for them, but also from the belief that if
they desire something, they must take it upon themselves to achieve it and be self-reliant.
Hence, the mantra becomes: "If I do it on my own, they’ll love me."

This leads to the development of a distorted belief: that one must be perfect to be worthy
of existence. This belief becomes so ingrained that it leaves no room for other possibilities.
Perfection is understood as the absence of emotionality and neediness, and it operates as
an automatic mechanism rather than one consciously chosen. They cannot afford to have
problems, let alone show them, because they internalize familiar mandates such as: “Don’t
create more problems,” “We have enough on our plate already,” or “You don’t know what
it’s like to have real problems.”

The Conservation E3 personality develops a pattern of being the ideal host, a good friend,
or an attentive parent out of survival instinct. This behavior serves to stabilize the chaotic
environment, where they pour their energy into continuous self-improvement, striving for
purity, and attempting to rid themselves of needs and emotions in an effort to remain
outwardly focused.

This mechanism is not only a way to secure the presence of others, but also a form of
dissociation, wherein they avoid connecting with their suppressed inner world. This leads to
a sense of emptiness and disconnection from personal experiences and self-identity. Thus,
a fundamental question arises in their journey: “What had to happen for me to stop feeling
and needing?” Dr. Judith Herman’s insights come into play here: “The child victim prefers to
believe that the abuse did not occur. In the service of this wish, she tries to keep it a secret
from herself. The means she has at her disposal are frank denial, voluntary suppression of
thoughts, and a legion of dissociative reactions.” To this, we can add the suppression of
emotions.

The Self-Preservation child becomes singularly focused on being efficient. The irrational
idea that develops is: “If I conform and am practical, I can secure a stable place in the
world.” They dedicate all their energy to external achievements, making it difficult for them
to introspect. This state of hyperactivity keeps them from stopping and connecting within,
preventing them from experiencing being without constantly doing. Furthermore, it is
accompanied by an unrelenting need for everything to be under control, with the
deep-seated belief that it is attainable.

Bodily Traits
Alexander Lowen, in The Language of the Body, says of the hysterical character: "She
comes for help because something has gotten out of control, and she wishes to re-establish
that control. [...] She may also undertake an analytic therapy because the control is too
effective." The bioenergetic analysis of the hysterical character points to a pronounced
bodily rigidity: the back is rigid and inflexible, the neck is stiff, the head is held erect, and
the pelvis is more or less retracted and kept tense. The most relevant aspect here is that the
front part of the body is hard, as the rigidity of the chest and abdomen are essential for the
construction of the armor. We must understand that the front part is usually the soft,
vulnerable side of the body.

The Conservation E3ist is not a "pure hysteric." It belongs mainly to the hysterical rigid
character with obsessive-compulsive tendencies (order, control, hyperactivity,
perfectionism, and self-demand). Beneath the surface of rigidity, there are also elements of:

●​ Schizoid Traits: "They wanted a boy, but I was a girl" (Ilse), "My brother wished for
another brother when I was born" (Assumpta), "There were already many babies
when I was born; they didn’t want any more" (Ilse’s patient);
●​ Oral Features, in their compensated form: the omnipotent belief in fulfilling others’
wishes and the pathogenic belief of "I do not need," "I can handle everything alone,"
and "I give myself and take care of others."

There are also shades of:

●​ Psychopathy: with the unwillingness to see the reality of the family situation, an
emphasis on achievements, and a sense of omnipotence in accomplishing anything,
accompanied by grandiosity in relation to doing;
●​ Overload (Masochism): with a difficulty indulging in pleasure, taking responsibility
for their anger, and a tendency to overburden themselves with tasks and work.

Depending on the prevalence of these additional character traits, the body of an

Conservation E3ist can look slightly or significantly different from that of a rigid character.

Trait Structure

Being the Best, Being Useful

A childlike atmosphere, oscillating between deception and seduction, forms the foundation
of this subtype’s mistrust and feelings of being in danger. It’s akin to a childhood register of
“I’ll give to you,” but in reality, nothing is offered—just empty flattery with hollow promises,
leaving the child unable to trust their caregiver.
In her book Trauma and Recovery, Herman explores survival in a climate of danger. While
the genesis of an Conservation E3ist’s character might not be as extreme, some fragments
resonate with their feelings:

“Adaptation to this climate of constant danger requires a state of constant alertness.

Children in an abusive environment develop extraordinary abilities to scan for warning
signs of attack. They become minutely attuned to their abusers’ inner states. [...] This
nonverbal communication becomes highly automatic and occurs for the most part outside of
conscious awareness.”

This explains the Conservation E3ist’s keen ability to guess the needs of others, tirelessly
serving and meeting expectations. Children living in a dangerous environment instinctively
strive to protect themselves, and the Conservation E3ist usually avoids drawing attention to
themselves, remaining frozen and inexpressive. As Herman points out, they “avoid any
physical display of their inner agitation.” And sometimes, when avoidance fails, "children
attempt to appease their abusers by demonstrations of automatic obedience.” Similarly,
future Conservation E3 children redouble their efforts to control the situation in the only
way they believe is viable: by trying to be exemplary.

Characteristic of the Conservation E3ist is a history of implicit psychological abandonment

by their parents. As children, they learn to get by in life with a specific set of behaviors: not
causing trouble, going unnoticed, tending to the parental figure, and solving various
problems. Over time, this attitude hardens, leading to a constant drive for
self-improvement, a lack of confidence in their innate self-regulation, and beliefs like, “I am
only valuable if I’m the best” and “I only matter if I’m useful.” Their unceasing drive to be
the best or to be of service stems from a silent demand not to be abandoned.

Self-Sufficiency

One of the central traits of the Conservation E3ist is their ability to act independently. This
capacity to handle and resolve situations using their own resources reinforces their
self-image as self-sufficient individuals with a remarkable aptitude for efficiency and
problem-solving. This self-image serves as a compensatory mechanism for the
deep-seated feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment concealed behind the
Conservation E3ist’s mask. Shame and clumsiness, repressed early on, contrast with the
competence and achievements that were positively reinforced by their surroundings. They
tend to be precocious children, excelling in speech, gait, and shouldering adult
responsibilities.
Control

Control acts as the flip side of distress. For an E3, distress or fear represents an
overwhelming and unacceptable emotional state. They manage to avoid internal distress by
directing their focus outward, neglecting their inner world. Consequently, Conservation
E3ists are highly receptive to external influences. This trait is underpinned by the irrational
belief that life can and should be controlled, leading them to assume that their inner life is
perpetually under control with no internal turbulence. They engage in a continuous process
of self-purging, refraining from harboring or resting anything internal, and are dedicated to
resolving conflicts to maintain harmony with others. Paradoxically, despite their need for
things to conform to their beliefs, they struggle to make space for others and validate their
individuality and actions.

An apt analogy for the Conservation E3ist is the chameleon, which can independently focus
each eye in different directions. Similarly, the conservationist seems to keep one eye on
those around them, monitoring and controlling, while the other is focused on their own
activities.

Their need for security drives them to control virtually every aspect of their surroundings,
from the order in their living space and possessions to family matters (offering advice and
resolving issues) and even their professional life. This form of control enables them to
manipulate the people around them to ensure their needs are met for the sake of their own
security. It’s as if they convey, “If you do what I believe is right, I will be at ease.” However,
they often fail to truly understand the nature of others and tend to mask reality. Their
apparent arrogance and superiority, with attitudes like, “I know everything, and you have no
idea how things work,” stem from a concealed fear of others, life’s unpredictability, and
uncontrolled factors.

Hyperactivity

Another aspect of the Conservation E3 personality is their tendency to juggle multiple tasks
simultaneously, finding satisfaction in being busier and more productive. For them, action
serves as a source of energy and a means of feeling in control. This penchant for
multitasking serves a dual purpose. On one hand, it bolsters their self-image of power and
capability; the position "how good and clever I am" must be constantly reinforced as a
defense mechanism against their inner sense of clumsiness. On the other hand, it prevents
contact with the inner world and standing up for themselves. A personal account vividly
illustrates this:
“Doing several things at the same time, like preparing food, feeding cats, and setting the
table all at once, is quite common for me. It’s a way of feeling physically tired and believing
I have the right to focus on one task at a time. I do this, and I feel safe. I don’t ask for help,
and I end up feeling superior, like a superwoman. I go out of my way for everyone, and
that’s how they show their love.”​
(Yolanda)

Helping Compulsion

An inseparable feature of this personality type is the automatic inclination to tend to the
needs of others, driven by a deep-seated fear of real contact and the inability to tolerate the
emptiness of “not satisfying.” Conservation E3ists struggle with dealing with reality, and
this clumsiness isn’t openly acknowledged; instead, it manifests as difficulty in saying no.
They don't know how to defend themselves or engage in conflict, and it often seems easier
for them to be there for others to avoid confrontation.

Fulfilling others' needs serves a dual function. It prevents conflicts by shielding others from
the dissatisfaction of unmet needs and the resulting frustration, reducing the likelihood of
others directing their destructiveness toward the helper. Additionally, the Conservation
E3ist becomes so preoccupied with others that they neglect their own self-care. The
perception of not needing anything creates an illusion of strength and perfection, granting
them power over themselves. This feeling is reinforced as they become a reference figure
for others, earning a place of importance.

It’s worth noting that the helping compulsion can sometimes be a projection of their own
unmet needs. In this regard, conservationists need to learn how to ask for help, allow
themselves to be nurtured by others, let go of the strong persona, show vulnerability, ask
for forgiveness, say no, and, finally, live and let live.

Being a Point of Reference

Another noteworthy trait is being a person of reference, closely linked to the compulsion to
help. It stems from a proclivity to meet expectations, a strategy to avoid the conflict of
feeling inadequate. This inclination transforms into an inability to stay quiet or passive,
leading to a tendency to take a leading role in any gathering. However, it’s not always done
in an “obvious” way; it’s more about intricately weaving a web to make oneself
indispensable. By consistently having something to contribute and say, the Conservation
E3ist cultivates a sense of dependency.
Their well-intentioned demeanor allows them to steer discussions in the expected
direction, perpetually seeking validation from others and molding their emotions to align
with perceived expectations. It is characteristic of this vain character to constantly insert
their “two cents” into conversations, sometimes without even finishing listening to what the
other person has to say. They may have their response ready and often reiterate almost the
same points, only adding their personal touch.

"On many occasions, I find myself interjecting a word that the other person hasn’t yet
spoken, as if to have the last say. In our minds, we believe we’ve made a profound point
when, in reality, we’ve merely echoed the previous speaker’s thoughts. It’s a desire to look
good at the expense of others."​
— Yolanda

Confluence

When we view confluence within the Conservation E3ist as a survival mechanism, we can
understand the constant need to be there for others as a way of life. This aspect leads to
the development of highly intuitive individuals, who, in this facet, resemble the E8
personality, albeit with very different motivations.

The fear of individuation, the risk associated with being oneself, and the dread of
self-discovery are concealed behind the tendency to meet external expectations. It’s a way
to avoid confronting the automatisms that mask the existential void of not knowing what to
do for oneself or where to direct one’s path without another person guiding them toward
incessant action.

Merging or confluence with others is also a way to feel powerful. Creating dependency
through kindness nourishes the idea of being indispensable. However, this results in an
immense struggle with being alone, recognizing one’s own emotions, needs, and
limitations. Additionally, this confluence, or perpetually being there for others, allows them
to shift blame if things don’t go as planned, evading the responsibility of self-existence,
self-feeling, and self-needs.

The difficulty in being oneself without the gaze and approval of another person resembles
the fusion experienced by E9 personalities. However, instead of manifesting as automatic
and indolent servility, in E3, it has an underpinning of helping, advising, and listening to
avoid feeling alone and to garner love. This becomes a long-term investment, marked by
ingredients like patience, restraint, retroflexion, and endurance.
The Rejection of Errors

Closely tied to the ideal of being good and effective is the aversion to making mistakes. An
Conservation E3ist often fails to distinguish between thought and action; they act without
processing their thoughts. Consequently, their first “mistake” would be to turn inward, to be
perceived as “selfish,” or to focus on their own desires.

The fear of making mistakes arises from a deeper fear of disqualification and rejection. For
this subtype, rejection feels like death, as if someone’s censure of their actions is a direct
censure of their being. In short, if their actions are criticized, it feels like a negation of their
very existence.

Competitiveness

Another prominent trait of the Conservation E3ist is their perception of self-improvement as

a way of life. It’s not just about doing better but also about being a better person.
Conforming to the expected values reinforces their belief in being capable and perfect.

It’s a way of maintaining vanity at the “right level,” consistently raising the bar and aiming
to surpass their previous record, both in the eyes of others and in their own
self-assessment. The Conservation E3ist shares a drive to excel, similarly to the E1.
However, there’s a fundamental difference in their focus. While the E1 seeks moral
perfection, the E3 aims for self-perfection in the realm of doing. From this standpoint,
Conservation E3ists often guide others on how to achieve tasks flawlessly, with minimal
errors, and ideally, on the first attempt.

Something very typical of this subtype is the “I’ll do it myself” attitude, rooted in the belief
that they can do the task better and more efficiently than others. Time-saving is a priority,
so they become fast in order to have more time to do more things, thereby enhancing their
sense of efficiency and capability. Self-forgetfulness driven by vanity takes the form of
feeding the ego through relentless effort.

Order

When they lose control and emotions overflow, the Conservation E3ist often directs their
anger either inward or toward the person or situation involved. Because what are emotions
for? In their view, they are a waste of time, ineffective in resolving issues. They disrupt the
sense of order and the perception of having everything under control.
Linked to perfectionism, order is a crucial value in the life of a conservationist. This sense of
order applies to various aspects of their existence, from the physical order in their living
spaces to familial and professional realms.

Self-Demand

Self-demand is like an unbridled force that leads Conservation E3ists, in yet another way, to
disconnect. It prevents them from accepting things as they are, suppressing what they don’t
like to show (such as being angry with someone), instead imposing higher demands on
themselves to do better.

Self-demand relates to not allowing themselves to make mistakes or tolerate deviations

from their meticulously planned paths. The frustration of witnessing their relentless efforts
bear no fruit can generate intense but contained anger.

The persistent dynamic is an unwillingness to surrender to anyone or anything, striving to

control every step, scrutinizing every action of others, and self-blaming when things do not
proceed as intended. Giving up equates to defeat, and it’s characteristic of the E3 to exhaust
every conceivable avenue to overcome setbacks and reach their intended goals.

Knowing How to Sell

The image a Conservation E3 presents is that of a safe, dependable, kind, available,

easy-going, strong individual who does not need help, who does everything on their own,
who will not bother others, who knows how to have a good time, who does not get angry,
and who avoids conflicts.

But unlike the persuasive nature of an E7, where impressiveness serves personal
gratification, in the case of an E3, the ability to project an image is primarily a means of
seeking acceptance. This propensity makes it easy for them to be liked, but also overlooked,
as their reliability and diligent work may eventually be taken for granted and perceived as
mundane.

Emotionality and Fantasy

If we consider the Conservation E3 as a “doer” or a “factory of results,” a disposition of their

being oriented towards taking action, we can observe that this E3 doesn’t truly feel but
rather “manufactures” feelings to align them with a specific objective: earning recognition.
Their compulsion for action leads them to disengage from their own emotions, as emotions
serve no purpose. They hold the belief that “feeling” is “not very productive,” a function that
“can” be dispensed with since it doesn’t contribute to achieving specific goals.

When the Conservation E3 pauses and realizes that, by creating a persona, they have
“banished” the self, they often confront an “emptiness of self.” The primary emotion that
surfaces in this state is fear, recognized as an earlier, original aspect of their character. They
lack trust, therefore, in their own emotions and only give them room when they become
“unbearable” and “hinder productivity.” Their relationship with emotions is highly
calculated; they grant them space while keeping them under control, deciding how, when,
and why these emotions are expressed, always accompanied by justifications and
reasoning. With spontaneous emotional expression blocked, the Conservation E3 typically
presents themselves as secure, self-sufficient, and even arrogant.

However, as these emotions are confined without a real link to the heart, when they
unexpectedly surface, it triggers a sense of vulnerability that they compensate for with
action, often taking the form of a challenge or self-improvement. The following testimony is
enlightening:

I remember when I received the news of my father’s death. Instantly, a weight of tons
settled in my chest; I could hardly breathe. I felt paralyzed for a few seconds, and then my
mind began to work at full speed; within minutes, I had organized travel arrangements,
made decisions about matters at home, and even called my office to instruct my secretary,
all with my husband by my side, ready to assist.​
— Vera

The conservationist has, in short, an enormous difficulty in “allowing themselves to feel”

and syncing with the natural rhythm of their heart.

Another of their characteristics is the habit of “looking out” and assessing if the image
“aligns” with the situation at hand. This leads to an obsession with “not causing
disturbance” and ensuring emotions are timed perfectly. It’s not difficult, therefore, to
understand why there’s so little tolerance for criticism: if it arrives after expressing a
particular emotional state or a charged opinion, be it anger or sadness, the Conservation E3
often disconnects, becomes unsettled, and withdraws. The fear of “not being valid” and the
looming sense of danger arise because the relationship with others is at stake if something
they do or feel is frowned upon. Let us look at the process of emotional repression:

It’s as if I only allow myself to feel after the situation has concluded. I feel like I repress and
delay my emotions. Allowing myself to feel in the present moment is complicated, it’s hard
to explain, but there’s a big blockage at the moment the emotion is processed.​
— Sandra
Now we can understand how and why this subtype anticipates and imagines the situations
it will face, then later fantasizes about how they could have done better. It essentially
pre-programs events both into the future and the past, leaving little room for existing in the
present and experiencing a situation as a process, with the ability to listen to what is
required. The E3 conceptualizes emotions, and at the appropriate moment, they appear as
rehearsed in advance. These individuals are often unaware of this emotion-fabrication; they
regard as authentic what is nothing but a performance:

My mind works constantly, anticipating situations, considering various possibilities,

imagining the worst-case scenarios, just to have everything under control. Not only do I
conjure up images and potential outcomes, but I also ask myself how I would feel. It’s as if
I’m not just fabricating scenes but also emotions.​
— Maribel

In this emotional concealment, vulnerability remains hidden from others and confined to the
intimate sphere. This person finds it challenging to reveal their feelings and recognize the
need to be cared for.

It’s not surprising that the Conservation E3 often appears cheerful and uninhibited, a
gracious host in social situations, attentive and fun — a conduct that is only superficial.
They are not really connected to true joy, which originates from a sense of love that inside
them has withered. Neither do they know how to have fun. Leisure or pleasure are
considered time-wasting, similar to the act of “feeling,” which they believe is only valuable
if it serves a purpose. They also perceive friendship as a form of assistance rather than
companionship. Friends are kept “just in case” for potential emotional danger or future
loneliness, not purely for the warmth of their company. This outlook extends to social
gatherings, where “talking for the sake of talking” or “getting together to pass the time” are
unthinkable. They must have a practical purpose, with Conservation E3 fulfilling a function:
being a host, providing entertainment, offering wit, being a confidant, helping in some way…

However, as mentioned earlier, the most distinctive aspect of their emotions is that they
manufacture them, often “mimicking” the environment or situation. This fabrication is
frequently so automatic that it happens without conscious awareness. As the Conservation
E3 learns to slow down, they learn to let go of this habit. As Suzy puts it, “I felt what I
faked, not what I actually felt.” Assumpta describes it as “sad eyes hidden behind the image
of happiness.”

The ability to fabricate emotions manifests across various aspects of life. For example, a
common fantasy among conservatives is the belief that they exist in the world to make it
better with their presence. There is the anastrophic fantasy about becoming a reference
figure for others, someone who helps and is necessary. In striving for this, they often live
above themselves and fail to fully embody the person they truly are.
On the flip side, there’s the catastrophic vision that if they don’t take action, something
terrible will happen. The Conservation E3ist believes they are indispensable to the world,
especially their family; if they were absent, everything would spiral out of control. This
rings true particularly with children. If they stop, everything around them will stop; that’s
why they can never get sick or depressed. And if they don’t “keep everything running
smoothly,” when the time comes that they’re in need of help, they won’t get it because they
won’t deserve it.

There is great difficulty in seeing reality, not as in their fantasy, but for what it actually is.
Given their inclination to do “everything possible for others,” they struggle to conceive or
accept the idea that the other person might “fail” them – meaning, not tend to the situation
as they would. In essence, their fantasy revolves around the belief that “If I do everything
that is expected of me, when the time comes, the other will do everything that I expect of
them.” This showcases how an Enneagram Type 3 conserves and emotionally invested in
their future security.

In the realm of sexual fantasies, desires often compensate for containment and
self-effacement. They frequently involve themes of freedom and expansiveness:

My sexual fantasies always revolve around being with men I’ve loved. There’s a lot of
freedom, and we do it in the sea, on the beach, in the forest, in the swimming pool... Always
in open and distant places, like deserted islands.​
— Nilda

They often include taboo topics, and the thrill of the forbidden, as an escape valve for
control:

“My fantasies are linked to having sex on a travel bus. It’s full of passengers, and at night,
while they’re asleep, my boyfriend and I begin making love. Then they wake up, watch, and
get aroused… Several people start masturbating or having sex too.

They’re always in public settings, in places where I don’t know anyone and don’t have to
worry about my reputation, like on the beach or in a show house; there’s always a crowd
watching, and others readily join in sexual acts as well.”​
— Sandra

Childhood

What is the childhood of the conservative E3 like? The answer to this question may provide
insight into the formation of such a personality during early life. Prominent in the childhood
of this type is a strong emotional push towards the most fundamental of instinctual needs:
survival. When this need is obstructed, threatened, or impeded, it plants insecurities and
fears in the E3's conservation, preventing them from experiencing a sense of completeness
and security. They struggle to accept that one can live, rather than just survive, in the world.

My mother says that I cried a lot. She calmed me down by breastfeeding me, but I would
soon cry again. Some time ago, I realized that what I felt wasn’t hunger but cold.​
(Maribel)

Between the ages of nine months and two years, I suffered severe asthma attacks. As I
grew older, I vividly remember the intense anguish and anxiety I felt in bed. I used to lie on
my stomach, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth persistently. When I was six years
old, I developed myopia, which continued to worsen until I was twenty-one.​
(Ferran)

We see in this personality a childhood characterized by early family experiences of

non-acceptance or rejection. It is common for one parent to be highly demanding in these
cases, while the other typically assumes a secondary role, having an evasive character. As
Nilda recalls, “I was raised very strictly by my mother (E1) and intellectually driven by my
father (E5).” In such scenarios, it’s also frequent, though not universal, that the male
parental figure isn’t considered valid (or validated by the mother), appearing weaker or
absent. The child thus steps into the role of the father figure, sensing that the family model
isn’t functioning properly, or there is no adequate male role model. This is particularly
noticeable in Conservation E3 women, who, as we have observed, may adopt the father’s
role when it isn’t externally present.

My parents lived with my paternal grandparents. My grandmother, a strong-willed woman,

was the household’s central figure, a superwoman who had given birth to and raised many
children and could do almost anything. My grandfather was nearly invisible. My father –
clinging to his mother’s skirts, almost always out of the house working as a bricklayer, and
drinking in bars after work. My mother was the sufferer.​
(Maribel)

The child often faces situations of non-acceptance, both on a physical and emotional level.
Physically, this might happen when the child falls short of the family’s expectations. On the
emotional front, parents often struggle to handle the child’s vitality and expressions of
anger. It’s important to note that E3 is an energetic personality type. Thus, even with loving
parents, children might experience rejection of their rebellious nature, which encompasses
qualities like strength, verve, and passion:

Before me, my parents had two sons. Finally, the long-awaited baby girl was born – me.
However, it turned out that I had a “manufacturing defect,” a congenital torticollis. At the
age of six, my parents made me undergo corrective surgery. In hindsight, I understand that
this was a form of rejection. Rejection that I’ve internalized since I have no recollection of
myself before the age of six. My earliest memory is standing in front of a mirror, encased in
a plaster cast that covered me up to my waist, with only my arms and face exposed. It’s
quite symbolic that correcting this distorted image required spending a substantial amount
of time immobilized in a cast. When I registered this rejection, I made a profound “decision”
at some point to create a new image that everyone could be proud of. This new image was
superior to the one my parents had created but couldn’t accept. It was an image over which
I had imaginary control, and I didn’t need anyone else for it.​
(Vera)

After my mother, the first people who laid eyes on me were my maternal grandmother and
my father. Grandma said, “She’s ugly, isn’t she?” And my father had to agree.​
(Maribel)

After my older brother, my twin and I were born. My twin arrived first. My mother thought
the delivery was over and wasn’t aware that I was on the way until the doctor announced,
“Another one is coming,” a quarter of an hour later. I was always told that my father’s hair
suddenly turned gray. I was not expected and was seen as another burden. As an adult, I’ve
had various moments where I would cry, attempting to justify my existence by saying, “I
had to be born to live!” From my early childhood, around five or six years old, my father,
behind a mask of nodding approval, discredited any genuine expressions of feelings and
suppressed my manifestations of energy like aggressiveness, the will to fight, and my
impotent rage.​
(Ferran)

If one characteristic stands out in this childhood world, it’s the quest for autonomy as a
means of survival. There’s a deep conviction that survival depends on autonomy.

An anecdote that has been recounted throughout the years involves me at about eight or
nine months old. My mother worked in the family store downstairs, and I slept in a crib on
the second floor of our large house. My mother checked on me very often. The thing is, she
noticed that I would cry every time she came upstairs. She decided she couldn’t bear to see
me cry every time, so she started peeking at me through the crack in the door. One day, I
must have been very tired of my loneliness, because I jumped out of the crib onto the floor,
crawled down a long hallway, down a flight and a half of stairs, and down another long
dark hallway, until I reached the door of the store, where they found me crying. My parents
were scared to death and couldn’t believe it. While working at a lifeline center, I had a
powerful realization about how that experience clearly shaped my character. I recognized
that the ideas that I have to provide for myself because no one else will, that I am able to
do anything, that I am what I do, and that no one is really there to take care of me, had
taken root right then. This conditioning was so strong that even with a loving and generous
mother, I’ve struggled to truly rely on anyone.​
(Assumpta)

I was born strong and vigorous, full of vital energy (unlike my twin). Even as a child, I was
naturally affectionate and had a gift for connecting with others, quickly earning their
affection.​
(Ferran)

Identifying as a conservative E3 stems from my strong need to feel secure. My irrational

belief is that by having enough financial resources, I can somehow “outwit” or “buy” good
health and a long life, and nothing bad will happen to me.​
(Vera)

The combination of early rejection or non-acceptance and the child’s need for approval
drives them to seek recognition from at least one parent. They’ll go to great lengths to do
things that are appreciated, as Maribel recalls: “My father used to throw parties at home.
He’d play music for me to dance to while all our relatives and friends ran around and
clapped their hands… I put my heart and soul into it so as not to disappoint him and to make
him proud.” It’s not surprising, then, that they typically adopt a role model (one of their
parents or another adult figure) to alleviate the anxiety of not feeling secure in who they are
and what they do. This stage can be seen as the initial attempt at fitting in, and figuring out
what is most likely to earn acceptance.

My adolescence was significantly marked by a lack of meaningful social connections. My

father had a great influence on me; I looked up to him very much. I always tried to share his
opinions, seek his advice on how to navigate any situation, and I closely followed his ideas,
words, and mannerisms.​
(Ferran)

The cumulative effect of these experiences inevitably drives the conservative personality
type to mature before their time, either by taking on responsibilities for others or by
pursuing financial security through work (for stability or money). Let’s examine an incident
that developed a fixation on the conservative instinct in a woman at around the age of five
or six:

My mother was excessively demanding (“The good is the enemy of the best,” she used to
say). It wasn’t enough for her that I could already read and write perfectly. I had to master
the embroidery stitches taught by the nuns in the convent school to perfection. I hated it,
found it pointless, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t manage to do the stitches
correctly, ending up in tears. This would anger my mother, and she would punish me and
argue with my father, who always took my side. One night, after one of those arguments,
my mother came to my room and said, “Someday, you’ll remember this, and I’ll leave, so
your father won’t have to fight with me because of you.”

I spent sleepless nights for weeks, anxiously watching the door, worried about my father.
What would happen to him without her? I was taken to a doctor to treat my insomnia, and I
took medication, but it barely helped. Then one day, I found a solution. I decided I could take
care of my father and the cats at home without crying at that!

I began observing my mother: how was the rice made? And the eggs he loved so much,
how were they prepared? Washing shirts was easy, but ironing was going to prove
difficult… In a short while, I felt prepared. She could leave whenever she wanted. I went
back to sleep, knowing that my father would be safe with me. I would take care of him, the
house, and the cats. This was when I traded “being” for “doing.”

I learned that crying doesn’t solve problems, especially not in public, and that the world
belongs to the strong. (Nilda)

Described by their peers as mature beyond their years, these children derive comfort from
this perception. Ferran reminisces, “I used to spend my first earnings on buying books about
my passion, nature, while other kids were still investing in candy.”

It’s no wonder, then, that a strong work ethic is ingrained in them from a young age:

I come from a family with very limited financial means, and I wanted to have things, toys,
and clothes (my mother only ever bought used clothes)... but it was never possible because
we had no money. So I was imagining that those with money must be very happy. (Sandra)

My grandmother placed great value on hard work and effort. She would find tasks for me to
do and give me some money in return, which made me feel appreciated and allowed me a
bit of financial independence for my hobbies. I worked hard to please her. (Ferran)

This situation goes hand in hand with the rejection of pleasure and fun, particularly evident
in the suppression of sexuality. On the other hand, we can observe how the conservationist,
through the adoption of role models, strives to avoid repeating their parents’ mistakes that
led to their unhappiness. This desire finds expression in various forms, like the
determination not to get married, the aspiration to achieve something significant in life, the
strong drive to stand out, and so on.

I began working at the age of six, assisting my mother in making savory snacks for sale. At
that age, she taught me how to crochet and embroider, and I also had household chores.
From then on, I never stopped working. However, at that tender age, I made up my mind
not to lead the same life as my parents; I wanted to have money and make a name for
myself, to live a life with less suffering. I always heard my mother complain about our
poverty. I also always heard her complain to her friends about my father’s infidelity and
how all men were the same. I decided then that I would never rely on a man to support me,
and I would never marry either, because marriage left people unhappy, causing so much
suffering and emotional pain.

Once I made these decisions, I became a very serious girl. I didn’t want to play anymore,
and my energy became solely focused on doing. “Doing to have,” that was my motto from
the age of six. I wanted recognition, first from my mother, for being proficient at what she
ordered me to do. However, most of the time, I did it without her instructions, simply to
please her. Then I began using my energy to excel in everything I did. When I was eight
years old, I started practicing sports, and I was always among the best. It was my way of
being seen and acknowledged. I thought that this would make people like and accept me.
(Sandra)

How do conservative E3s manage to maintain their longing for acceptance and recognition?
Through effort, since they haven’t naturally attained it from a place of inner serenity. This is
why we often find exceptional or brilliant students among them, tirelessly seeking the
coveted acknowledgment. Many of them harbor a strong desire to outshine their siblings,
subject to constant comparison and competition:

A brilliant student, always adhering to the rules of the convent school, I did my best to
ensure there was no reason to complain to my parents. (Nilda)

For my father, I was his pride. For my sister, I was an infuriating point of comparison. For
some of my schoolmates, I was the teacher’s pet. I struggled to please all of them, to do
everything right, and yet I didn’t know who I was. (Maribel)

Throughout my years in school and university, I was highly motivated to learn. At the age of
four, I started elementary school and quickly excelled in reading and writing. I even had the
honor of reading in front of the class, receiving applause at the end. I was promoted a grade
because they thought I was ahead. In that school, at the end of each month, the student
with the best grades received a ribbon or sash to take home. I distinctly remember walking
down the street towards my house, bedecked in those ribbons, proud and happy to show
off. Anyway, I think this is when my fixation to seek efficiency and recognition started.
(Assumpta)

What guided the lives of my brothers and mine was the near-total dedication to
mountaineering and related sports. Our father instilled in us the belief that it was the
greatest pursuit in life, our greatest source of pride. It was about being strong, efficient, fast,
professional… simply the best. This intense focus significantly shaped my life and distanced
me from urban social circles. We lived in the city, but our focus was elsewhere. I had to
keep up with my father. (Ferran)
But how can one attain perfection in their relentless pursuit of acceptance, amidst a
backdrop of high expectations? By avoiding any signs of rebelliousness or inadequacy, of
course. The individual, nonetheless, needs an outlet for their pent-up energy. The escape
valve, in this case, is rebellion over unimportant matters, since the fundamental family bond
remains intact. Finally, it’s worth noting a reclusive aspect of this character, which serves as
a relief from pain.

I was a quiet child, who tried not to be a burden. I was something of a recluse, always
engrossed in books and magazines, playing with the cats in the house, or observing the
ants. (Nilda)

The absence of emotional connections provided fertile ground for the influence of Félix
Rodríguez de la Fuente to profoundly impact me when I was around eight years old. That
passion for nature shared with children (“... and my dear children will wonder…”) met my
love for life. I would spend hours on a hill near my house, hiding in the bushes to closely
observe the birds. At the age of eleven, I took my first field notes, imitating Félix, who not
only unlocked for me the doors to a fascinating world but also became my idol and mentor.
(Ferran)

I was a lively, cheerful, and playful child until I reached the age of five or six, and started
hearing from my sisters and cousins that I was annoying, and that nobody could stand me.
That’s when I completely shut down. I became a very quiet child. A very sad, quiet child.
(Sandra)

Persona and Shadow: Destructive to Themselves and Others

"Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the
blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most
well-meant intentions."​
~ Carl G. Jung

Having examined the different ways in which Conservation E3ists present themselves to
the world, in this chapter we will analyze the dominant passion of this Enneatype in light of
Jung’s theory, specifically exploring the concepts of persona or mask, and shadow.

From a Jungian perspective, the Conservation E3 is inextricably connected with their

persona or personality-mask, to the point of blurring the lines between the image they
project to be accepted and their perception of their true self. The shadow, on the other
hand, is that more instinctual and animalistic part—the archetype which, according to Jung,
derives from our pre-human past when our concerns were limited to survival and
reproduction, and we were not aware of ourselves as individuals. It also encompasses the
“dark side” of the ego, comprising the most negative aspects. In short, it is the part
associated with the motor-instinctive center, erotic love, pleasure, lack of control, and
simply enjoying life—the part of ourselves we don’t want to acknowledge.

The presentation of the Conservation E3 to the world can be summarized using the
following descriptors: someone who appears competent, serious, flawless, dependable,
secure, always at the service of others and happy to help, not visibly troubled, a
problem-solver with everything under control. These individuals are highly focused on
"doing" and on surpassing themselves ("I can"), as titles ("I am worth"), successes ("I am
seen"), and achievements ("I am someone") are aimed at constructing a mask that
compensates for all unsatisfied needs and deficiencies in their psycho-emotional
development. By overemphasizing accomplishment and success, they sacrifice pleasure,
leisure, and playfulness. The resulting deep frustration often finds an outlet in covert ways,
as described in the following testimony:

“The manipulative and neurotic side of me is so hidden in the shadows that for me it’s
always about appearing available, responsible, good at everything, and doing everything
well. Simultaneously, there’s the whiny, overwhelmed, stressed, angry, and demanding part
that takes over without any restraint when I can no longer uphold the other mask.”​
(Assumpta)

The Conservation E3ist typically presents themselves as someone perpetually busy,

energetic, optimistic, full of plans, expectations, and interesting projects, self-sufficient,
independent, and satisfied in life. This perpetual busyness is not merely a reflection of their
projected reliability but serves to hide their existential insecurities from themselves. In
short, stress goes hand in hand with the search for security. It is for this very reason that
they sell security, provide advice, offer solutions, impart lessons, excel at various tasks, and
help others. Therein lies another characteristic of the conservationist’s presentation:
kindness and benevolence, approaching the Robin Hood model—seeking to stand out
through their good deeds.

Despite being highly competitive, Conservation E3ists can effectively work in a team, where
they seek to assume a leadership role within the group or organization and oversee the
execution process. However, contrary to what one might think, when others take the lead,
they try to ally themselves with them, surrendering leadership in exchange for a greater
sense of security.

In spite of that, when they feel threatened, they might attack from behind (even if only
through seemingly objective criticism). In such situations, they tend to emotionally
withdraw, as they have a hard time accepting rejection and disagreement. But why is their
capacity for rejection so limited? Because they must hide from themselves the immense
pain that their dependency on others represents, especially when there’s emotional
distance involved. And who is an individual who avoids self-connection? Well, to people
who aren’t deeply connected either.

It’s quite surprising that a character so focused on unity goes to such great lengths to avoid
genuine contact with others and even with themselves—in other words, self-sabotage.
True unity lies in mutual listening and connecting on an emotional level. Why does this
character steer clear of such authentic listening and deep emotional connection? Because
they need to shield themselves from the fear of truly being (of expressing themselves, of
revealing their true nature). Any genuine contact with others would inevitably lead them to
confront the truth. As Nilda puts it, for instance:

“The most distressing part, for me, was not knowing whether the joy or sadness I
experienced in certain moments was genuine or simply a result of me matching my feelings
with the situation at hand.”

The great difficulty in surrendering in relationships and trusting life without having to
constantly prove one’s worth, as well as the underlying machinations behind it, become
evident in the following story:

“The shadow acts as a mask to conceal everything I hide from myself, and mainly from
those around me. I exhibit strength where I lack it, convey confidence where I don’t truly
possess it, project tenacity when I’m mired in insecurity, show kindness when I’ve already
plotted to take advantage of the situation, feign knowledge where I don’t have it, pretend to
be a good girl when deep down, I’m anything but. I present myself as different,
independent, claiming not to need anyone, yet underneath, I feel dependent on everything. I
put on a modern facade when, in reality, I may be stuck in the past, and vice versa. It’s a
tremendous self-deception.”​
(Sandra)

The most efficient and brightest aspects actually end up morphing into the most negative
and darkest ones, which can be destructive because, instead of strengthening the necessary
affectional bonds, the individual discards them.

Precisely one of the most defining characteristics of this subtype—being perceived as a

good and harmless person—serves as the foundation for manipulation, a trait that in most
conservationists remains hidden and isn’t visible. This monstrous side emerges when
there’s a goal at stake, and the need to achieve it. The way to get there is to employ any
means necessary, even if it requires bending morality to fit one’s desires. The ends justify
the means, but the means themselves stay concealed to preserve the image of a good
person. A good example of this can be found in the novel Dangerous Liaisons (and the
movie of the same name), where the character of Marquise de Merteuil resorts to extreme
measures to get the man she wants, conspiring to keep her rivals away, and manipulating
her target so that he loses his self-esteem and becomes entirely dependent on her. When
her objectives aren’t met, her malevolent side emerges, and she takes cold revenge to
compensate for her frustration and failure.

Another notable aspect of this subtype is the constant need to appear sure of themselves,
and this is the great torment of the preservationists. They cannot waver in the face of
obstacles; they cannot be lacking and exhibit any doubt. Here is hidden the fear of
invalidation, contempt, and disgrace—in short, of rejection.

It’s worth noting that the Conservation E3ist has a greater difficulty facing conflicts than the
other subtypes. Why? Conflict and confrontation bring about chaos, rejection, insecurity,
and the threat of abandonment or estrangement. It is precisely because of this aversion to
handling conflicts directly that they specialize in diplomacy and mediation. Of course, the
price to pay is often the renunciation of honesty, truth, and connection with their own needs
and desires.

For all these reasons, preservationists seldom show weakness, secretly desiring that others
discover they need help. What’s more, even then they may turn it down with a polite “No,
thank you; I’m fine.” In short, once again, beneath their autonomy lies the menace of
survival—a menace that destroys their relationships.

Another form this fear takes is a considerable difficulty in recognizing and openly
expressing their needs, as well as openly asking for help. Revealing their vulnerability
triggers fears of abandonment and rejection: “If they see that I can’t do it on my own, they
will leave me.” This aspect leads us to the specific inhumanity of Conservation E3—a trait
that lies in the renunciation of their own feelings to avoid being abandoned or rejected and,
by extension, the feelings of others:

“I conceal my needs, my fragility. Thus, it’s not really a relationship, but rather a transaction,
since I’m just letting myself be ‘used.’ And it becomes a bargaining chip when I want to
assert my needs. The troubling thing about this is that the other person is always in debt,
and I feel alone. I also have a tendency to give moral lessons, assuming that I know the
other person better than they know themselves, sometimes treating them as an object—if
they are useful to me, that’s fine, and if not, I exchange them for someone else.”​
(Maribel)

It’s no wonder that they fear discovering they’re not as good or generous as they seem. This
fear drives them to tirelessly maintain the mask—the illusion that they’re capable of
anything. It’s evident how optimism conceals despair, busyness hides the anguish
stemming from a sense of emptiness, and the pursuit of confluence masks the fear that the
psychological construct, built on unstable foundations, might crumble.
Another point of interest is the absence of authentic spirituality and true faith in God or the
Universe. On one hand, this makes the preservationist anxious and fearful of everything,
since there’s no sense of belonging to something greater that could bring peace and solace.
On the other hand, true spirituality remains elusive because it’s overshadowed by
achievements and image, like a carrot on a stick—promising self-improvement, greater
acceptance, and happiness without confronting their inner darkness. They might present
themselves as spiritually advanced because it implies recognition, but in reality, they use it
as a means of escaping their lack of self-connection and as a way to mask their fear of the
world, life, and truly living.

Since the future cannot be predicted or influenced, they fear it. This leads to a life lived
cautiously, trying to eliminate uncertainty in every conceivable material way, as they don’t
trust in God or life itself.

One of the most destructive aspects of Conservation E3 is the way they vent deep-seated
frustration from not feeling like themselves—intuitively aware that they are far from the
path of self-realization and fulfillment. This frustration, born from profound disconnection,
manifests as demands and anger directed toward those around them. The rage, which must
be contained to maintain the mask of competence and goodness, bursts forth in the form of
criticism, demands, protests, grievances, and even despotism. This is exemplified in the
following case:

"I leave the shadow indoors, at home, with my family and friends. If outside everyone says
they always see me smiling, at home, there are mood swings, fatigue, occasional hysteria,
shouting, complaints, and reproaches. I conceal my physical insecurities, everything I don’t
know how to do, my ignorance, my fears... Perhaps the greatest fear is loneliness and
abandonment. Deep beneath the surface, I hide a sense of superiority under the guise of a
defender of equality and humility. I hide my pain, so much so that I don’t even let myself
feel it. I accumulate tension in my body, especially on my right side (my shoulder hurts, my
hand aches; I suffer from chronic sinusitis). There’s hardly any room for inner silence; there
is either inner noise, hyperactivity, or both. I am exceedingly demanding with myself and
others. I measure by my own standards, and that can do a lot of damage, undervaluing
others."​
(Maribel)

This difficulty in connecting with others, themselves, and the truth of their existence
ultimately leads preservationists to sever or destroy bonds, as well as the opportunity to
escape the ontic abyss.

Finally, the most destructive aspect for both themselves and others is their concealment of
inner emptiness behind a beautiful mask, all while revealing the destructive expressions of
the turmoil it generates internally. The journey back home is the reverse: from mediation to
meditation.

Love

If we were to define the predominant theme for the Conservation E3 subtype in the realm
of love with a single word, it would undoubtedly be love-security. In this subtype, maternal
love prevails as a way of channeling affection through usefulness. Their compulsion
revolves around ensuring the preservation of secure and stable conditions, which provides
them with a sense of control over their immediate environment.

This need for affection manifests in an ongoing commitment to caring for others and
preventing any conflicts or unsuitable situations from arising. The obsession with always
appearing adequate and over-adaptation can reach a point where the individual forgets
their own feelings in favor of an idealized model of love. This attitude, though
self-generated in childhood with respect to their parental figures, causes the biggest
conflicts in romantic relationships.

Admiring love, on the other hand, never becomes "all-encompassing" in the existential
sense; it doesn't occupy as much space within the individual. Consequently, a
self-preservation E3 feels admiring love only in relation to specific individuals, such as
spiritual mentors, scientists, or notable figures in areas that are important to them.

Finally, erotic love tends to remain underdeveloped, largely dormant at a conscious level. It
could be said that the compulsion to do, to always be doing, hinders the ability to embrace
pleasure. It’s not surprising, then, that the Conservation E3, who feels admiring love
towards one of the figures mentioned above, redirects their energies toward work or
pursuits associated with the world represented by them, neglecting personal pleasure and
daily life in the process.

So, how does a Conservation E3 experience love? Generally, they expect to receive
admiring love in all aspects of life, offering little, however, of their admiration to others.
After all, how can they extend admiring love if that’s exactly what they’re for: to be
admired?

In relationships, they anticipate all three types of love, as this sphere holds significant
importance for them. For sexual conservatives, the partner is everything, while social
conservatives, though still attaching importance to the romantic bond, find the professional
domain to be of greater significance, along with the recognition they receive for their
services and efforts.
From notable figures, such as mentors, E3 preservationists expect both compassionate and
appreciative love. In return, they provide appreciative love and, to a large extent, also
compassionate love in the form of loyalty, commitment, affection, and service. The
following testimony is enlightening regarding the dominance of different types of love:

"Few people are worthy of my admiration. I tend to look at authority with a magnifying
glass, and I had a hard time when someone I blindly believed in let me down. I often feel
unworthy of the people I admire and am usually quite timid when approaching them; but if
they show interest in me, I become an enthusiastic collaborator." (Maribel)

It’s quite common to hear from individuals of this subtype that the arrival of a child is
healing: “What healed me is my daughter. With a child, you rediscover surprise, genuine
love, and intensity,” says Maribel. They also often take on the role of a counselor, providing
maternal love while receiving admiring love. It’s not rare to come across experiences like
that of a woman who, giving advice to a friend about her recent divorce, failed to mention
that she was going through the same process, divorcing her husband just a day later.

However, the type of love that likely generates the most problems for this subtype is erotic
love, as it’s the least developed and integrated. Everything linked to pleasure, sensuality,
and spontaneity has been repressed in favor of adapting to the environment. This
suppression sometimes results in their inner child being relegated to a hidden,
unacknowledged space. Many preservationists find it difficult to express or share their
desires and frustrations, even withdrawing from the world and social interactions in that
regard.

It’s typical for them to view sexuality as something dirty or ugly, thus gravitating toward
partners who embody what is perceived as “good.” In many cases, their romantic
relationships actually resemble friendships. We see here, as in the aforementioned
tendency to act as "counselors," points of convergence with E1. These are some of the traits
that confuse the Conservation E3ists in their typological journey and lead them to identify
with the E1 personality.

The Conservation E3, therefore, often grapples with internal tension between the security
of their carefully constructed world and the frustration of struggling to experience pleasure,
growth, and adventure. Life, nevertheless, has a way of bringing out that unacknowledged,
and deemed unsightly, part of themselves.

The need to integrate their entire being frequently creates a conflict between their desire
for experimentation and openness to change, and their fear of losing what they’ve
established. Here are some eloquent ways of expressing this inner conflict:
"I try not to let it show that I like someone, and I make sure to remain faithful to avoid
conflicts or the risk of my partner leaving me." (Ferran)

"I’ve repressed my sexuality; I present myself as a prude." (Maribel)

"Desire feels dangerous to me, and I haven’t allowed it near me or my partner." (Teodoro)

In reality, the bond in a relationship is established, as we’ve mentioned before, through

maternal love and emotional dependency, which the following stories illustrate:

"I express love by taking care of and doing things for others. I look after them, hoping they’ll
reciprocate and do the same for me; if they don’t in the way I expect, I interpret it as them
not loving me." (Maribel)

"In a relationship, all my efforts are concentrated on making the other person feel that
they’re safe with me. 'You can trust me, I provide security.' I offer myself to prove my worth.
In such circumstances, trust is the most precious thing I can give. So, I create a sense of
obligation, hoping my partner will provide me with the same trust and security. After all,
what are we without a significant other? I sacrifice a lot to be faithful, shower them with
attention, be present and available, adhere to their wishes; I don’t drink, always call at
night, and take care of them. The goal is to not cause any worry for my partner." (Teodoro)

"The ideal love, for me, was tied to the maternal love of nurture; but it was never about me
being nurtured." (Juanjo)

"We’ve learned and internalized that love is achieved through effort." (Maribel)

E3 preservationists thus find themselves in a perpetual state of uncertainty, caught

between love and dependency, pleasure and benevolence, sensuality and friendship.

In intimate relationships, they seek the warmth and connection they didn’t receive from the
parent of the opposite sex. For example, a male Conservation E3ist who lacked contact with
his mother as a child will aim to fulfill his most fundamental needs: security and warmth.
Without this initial foundation, it becomes difficult for him to fully engage with the outside
world and experience his sexuality fully within a relationship. He may project erotic love
outside the context of his secure partnership.

The internal desire for happiness, linked to the inability to simply exist or be authentic,
leads the conservative E3 to idealize love. The love model has as its paradigmatic image
something like a little house on the prairie, with a devoted relationship where sex must be
inextricably connected to love, and certain sexual practices are unacceptable because
“that’s not love.” As a result, their idealization of fidelity and happiness frequently leads
them to renounce sex and "sexiness" altogether. Their pursuit of perfection is extended into
the sexual realm, and they struggle to balance the everyday aspects of life with their secret
desire for intense and sublime experiences.

This projection can result in a dramatization of sexuality, linked, on one hand, to the
substitution of reality with imagination, and, on the other, to relying on actions as a means
of showing love. The former has to do with the fantasy of the Conservation E3, which
constructs ideal emotions that are very internal and have little connection with the other
person. These ideals are built in the image of the perfection they seek, leaving little energy
for genuine bonds.

Acts of service in the relationship serve as a protective mechanism against potential

emotional harm and their fear of intimacy, causing love to manifest through deeds rather
than words—in short, through doing. The stronger the attraction (read: dependence), the
more eager they become to do something for the partner, sometimes to the point of
becoming invasive and hasty. This unconscious self-referencing based on their own needs,
and the desire to be seen, prevents them from truly seeing the other person. The
conservative E3 is interested in someone valuable because it makes them feel valued, but
they often don’t genuinely consider what the other person needs. This paradox, where they
appear to give their all to the other, can be found in the tale of affection in transactional
analysis, which describes an emotional cooling, where sincere affection is replaced by a
superficial one. This is a very ostensible and conventional kindness.

"I am a protector, helper, counselor... 'motherly' love is highly developed in me. Of course,
there is a price, as I’m not entirely selfless; I seek the recognition of others. I’m faithful to my
friends; very sociable and family-oriented. My desires, my needs usually rank at the bottom
of the list, and the needs of those around me (there’s many such people) come first."
(Maribel)

This safety net can lead E3 conservatives to some extreme conclusions, such as: “If I’m not
putting in excessive effort, I’ll die,” “if I give in, I’ll die,” “if I lose control, I’ll die.”
Alternatively, it creates a fear of becoming too comfortable if everything is handed to them.
Conversely, it provides the necessary signs to understand that the relationship is empty or
not working, and if it feels exhausting or burdensome, it’s not true love.

This subtype has a hard time separating from their partner, even if they feel they aren’t with
the right person. The idea that they can’t be the bad one who leaves arises, along with the
fear of causing pain. A preservationist might drag out a romantic relationship for years to
avoid hurting the other person, although, in reality, this indecision and lack of courage ends
up generating passive suffering in both parties. Underlying this is a fear of loss and pain,
along with a difficulty in letting go. Several men express it like Juanjo: “We act as if we’re
honest, but it’s a self-deception; in fact, we’re motivated by the fear of being abandoned.”
E3 conservatives tend to have few, long-lasting relationships throughout their lives. Having
become skilled and adaptable in their efforts to attain security, when they finally open
themselves to change, it’s not unusual for them to embrace the type of love they once
rejected. Therefore, it’s quite common in the biographies of this subtype to find stories of a
new love experience after the initial love-security, one that we might call love-passion. This
is how Ilse describes it:

"My second love, years later, was a love-passion. He was a very passionate man, insecure,
but a great lover, quite irrational, wild, not very socially adapted, somewhat macho, much
younger than me, adventurous, with multiple exes, full of fire and life. I could afford to be in
this relationship, because my needs for basic material security were already met; I could
provide for myself. I felt an internal conflict of values; I even made a list of ‘do’s and don’ts,’
but the passion and my craving for intensity ultimately won.”

When it comes to handling relationships, E3 conservatives, on one hand, have a strong

need for control, and on the other, an underlying fear:

"The notion of being emotionally dependent on a man felt unbearable to me. Several
phantoms appeared: fear of being betrayed, of being abandoned, of fading into the
background, of becoming a clown... All this made me swiftly jump ship, ending the
relationship. I’m acutely aware of my difficulty in sharing. I want things exactly my way, and
if they don’t go according to plan, I invalidate the other person. I lose my civility and positive
emotions, and instead succumb to negative ones, failing to sustain the relationship."
(Sandra)

Finally, in relationship formation, there is a strong urge to prove to themselves that they can
obtain what they desire, that they’ll get what they want. Their misguided belief is that they
have the power to dictate events according to their expectations, because their way is the
right way. In this sense, they idealize and elevate their partner, and achieving their goals
through relentless effort becomes a means of self-assertion and control. It’s the
consequence of their great difficulty in trusting life.

Historical Figure: Clare of Assisi

This chapter provides a historical example of Conservation E3. It’s worth noting that it’s
difficult to find a character who is more ordinary, less saintly, or who has a negative or
scandalous reputation.

Clare was born in 1193, the daughter of the noblewoman Ortolana and the knight
Favarone Offreduccio of Bernardino. Biographers agree that her early years were
characterized by the feminine and religious virtues of the era: prayer, fasting, wearing
penitential garments, giving alms, valuing retreat, and aspiring to maintain her virginity. In
this regard, Clare’s childhood was not very original. She was raised within the confines of
her noble lineage, the eldest of three sisters, living alongside neighbors, friends, and
cousins in an aristocratic women’s mansion in the upper part of the city, in a secluded, quiet,
and clean complex.

At an early age, Clare gave her life entirely to the poor. She loved poverty itself. From very
early on, she sympathized with the movement led by Francis, the son of the merchant
Pietro di Bernardone. Before departing from the opulent world of her upbringing, she
divested part of her inheritance for the benefit of the less fortunate and sent funds to
Francis’ fraternity, which established the rural hermitage of Assisi on the city’s outskirts in
1209.

She was described as independently minded from her youth. Out of love for her divine
husband, she rejected all marriage proposals and chose not to enter a well-to-do
monastery in pursuit of an existence without security. She sought to unite with like-minded
women. She grew up in a chivalrous and courtly atmosphere, learned to read and write
Latin, and her letters reveal the influence of spiritual theology. She lived isolated due to her
social class, and some testimonies mention her frequent acts of charity and her delight in
visiting the poor (often hiding food to distribute among them).

In her Rule, Clare wrote that no one should aspire to mere education but to unity through a
spirit of love. Her priority was a strong bond of sisterhood. Her mother, Ortolana, instilled in
her the truths of the faith, the practice of mercy, practical skills, and craftsmanship.
Ortolana’s pilgrimage to the Holy Land likely influenced Clare, who spent her early years in
this cloistered domestic environment.

At the age of thirteen, an event in Assisi left an indelible mark on Clare: Francis publicly
renounced his father, who subsequently disowned him. Francis left Assisi and sought
refuge with the Benedictines on the grounds of the chapel of St. Mary.

When one of Clare’s cousins joined Francis’ fraternity, her connection to the Franciscan
movement deepened, and she started searching for a spiritual advisor. She found him in
Francis himself. Their meetings took place between 1210 and 1211.

On Palm Sunday in 1211, Bishop Guido II, a friend of Francis, presented Clare with an olive
branch, instead of her coming up to take it, which seemed to symbolize his blessing for her
spiritual journey. That same night, Clare left her father’s home. Initially, her only companion
was solitude. Before her departure, she transferred a portion of her inheritance to her sister
Beatriz and left with nothing. Outside the city walls, some friars awaited her and escorted
her to Francis. There, she underwent a traditional rite of initiation, dedicating herself to the
path of God, including the ritual shaving of her hair, consecration, and the imposition of a
penitential habit.

She was then taken to the Benedictine monastery of San Paulo, until it was decided what
to do. There, she was received as a servant. When her relatives tried to bring her back, she
clung to the altar cloth, revealing her cropped hair as a testament to the unwavering
determination of her decision. After a few days, Clare left the Benedictines and moved to
Sant’Angelo in Panzo, where a group of women lived a life of penance, but she didn’t find
what she sought there either.

Sixteen days after her escape, her sister Catalina joined her. Their family tried to force
Catalina to return home, but to no avail. After resolving the confrontation with their family,
they left the hermitage of Panzo and began a new life in the church of San Damiano.

Crucial to this journey was the help of Francis, who convinced Bishop Guido II to grant
episcopal protection to the newly established religious community.

At the beginning, the San Damiano community had a familial character, with Clare’s mother
and her younger sister, as well as acquaintances and childhood companions, joining. Over
time, it opened its doors to other women. The community lived in absolute poverty, often
lacking essentials like oil or bread. Reports suggest that their problems were miraculously
resolved through Clare’s intervention. The sisters renounced all possessions and relied
solely on their own hard work.

There are hypotheses suggesting that San Damiano served as a charitable center, offering
aid to children and lepers. The focus was on a contemplative and charitable life, close to the
city. Francis committed himself to remain in contact, and to look after them with loving care.
He expressed his wish for Clare to assume leadership of San Damiano, but she initially
resisted. From 1215 onwards, religious communities were expected to adhere to an existing
monastic rule, but neither Francis nor Clare were inclined towards a traditional rule.

The San Damiano group developed with a sense of autonomy. Neither friars nor other
ecclesiastical authorities interfered between God and the Sisters. In San Damiano, the friars
were under the authority of Clare.

In 1224, the sisters asked Francis for help because Clare had fallen seriously ill due to her
rigorous fasting practices, which Francis questioned.

Two years later, Francis passed away, leaving Clare without her most important ally,
though he encouraged her to continue the movement in his final will.

Clare guided her sisters to respect each one’s vocation, encouraging them to be “mirrors
and examples” for one another, rather than relying childishly on the mother figure. As
someone with initiative, she organized her life in an innovative manner. While she initially
held suffering in high regard, she was later led by a more rational criterion. Clare
institutionalized poverty through fasting, and she and her sisters lived on what they
begged.

Clare cultivated her evangelical life in a communal setting, maintaining connections with
the city and engaging with earthly society. Between 1228 and 1235, she was pressured to
accept the papal concept of a cloistered lifestyle. However, she chose a relative openness
and flexibility in terms of enclosure, even caring for the sick within the convent. Her primary
focus was on poverty rather than strict enclosure.

In 1228, Pope Gregory IX canonized Francis and visited San Damiano. A clash occurred
between Clare and the Pope as he urged Clare to give up her way of strict poverty. Clare
eventually obtained from Gregory IX the Privilege of Poverty, which could only be practiced
in connection with the city. She aimed to have poverty embraced in a community that was
recognized as an expression of evangelical life and a feminine charism. In 1230, Gregory IX
severed the ties between the Friars Minor and San Damiano, a measure Clare managed to
have revoked under the threat of a hunger strike.

From 1235, Clare found a strong ally and friend in Agnes of Prague, the daughter of a king
who chose a life of poverty. By 1237, San Damiano counted fifty sisters. In 1240, the
monastery came under attack by Emperor Frederick II’s soldiers. Clare confronted them, not
only saving San Damiano but also successfully suspending the siege of the city of Assisi
through her intercession.

In 1241, Gregory IX died, and in 1247, Pope Innocent IV transformed the ladies of San
Damiano into Franciscans. Clare dedicated herself to writing her own Rule, and in her final
years, struggled to have it approved by the Pope, as she believed the support of Cardinal
Rainaldo alone was insufficient.

In the spring of 1253, she wrote her last letter to Agnes of Prague. In her testament, she
reminded her sisters, the Friars Minor, and the official church of the unique charism of San
Damiano. That summer, Innocent IV, along with his curia, visited Assisi, met Clare, and on
his deathbed, confirmed her Rule. On the eve of her passing, Clare kissed the confirmation
document.

After her death, numerous miraculous healings were recorded, leading to her canonization
in 1255. Contrary to her wishes, in 1288, the Clare community of the Assisi monastery
relinquished the Privilege of Poverty and became “Poor Clares of the First Rule,” allowing
them to accept testamentary donations.
Therefore, I, Clare, a handmaid of Christ and the Poor Sisters of the Monastery of San
Damiano—although unworthy—and the little plant of the holy father, consider together
with my sisters so lofty a profession and the command of such a father and also the frailty
of some others that we feared in ourselves after the passing of our holy father Francis, who
was our pillar of strength and, after God, our one consolation and support. Time and again
we willingly bound ourselves to our Lady, most holy Poverty, that after my death, the
sisters, those present and those to come, would never turn away from her.

Clare represents contemplation through action.

Literary and Cinematic Examples

Film Examples

In this section, we briefly examine several movies in which a character can be identified as
an Conservation E3. Through their attitudes, behaviors, and dialogues, we aim to provide
readers with a deeper understanding of this character subtype and how they might relate
to it.

“Ordinary People”​
Synopsis: The accidental death of the older son in an affluent family deeply strains the
relationships among the bitter mother, the good-natured father, and the guilt-ridden
younger son.​
Character: The mother, portrayed by Mary Tyler Moore.​
Discussion: In this film, several highly meaningful scenes stand out, particularly the
opening and closing moments. In the opening, the mother appears to be enjoying herself at
the theater, accompanied by her husband and another couple. She seems happy, but upon
returning home, she undergoes a drastic transformation. She becomes cold toward her
husband, even walking ahead of him up the stairs, forcing him to follow. In bed, she
pretends to be asleep while he caresses her. The breakfast scene is especially telling.
Despite going to great lengths to prepare her son’s favorite meal, he isn’t hungry, and this
triggers a violent reaction from her. She throws the toast into the garbage disposal as if it’s
the most natural thing in the world. Throughout the film, she creates tense situations
without ever losing her composure.

The mother avoids facing problems, is controlling, dismissive of others' needs, and believes
she knows what people require. Her relationship with her son is strained and superficial;
she struggles to truly support him. What she fears most is having her real emotions
exposed, as she doesn’t express them (for example, she didn’t cry at her eldest son’s
funeral). Instead, she focuses on superficial matters, like deciding what shoes and shirt her
husband should wear for the ceremony. She meticulously organizes everything, pushing
others to conform to her plans.

Her evasiveness becomes evident when she tells her younger son, "I don’t know what he
wants from me," and "I don’t know what anyone wants from me." Her response to her
husband and son’s statement, "We just want you to be happy," is striking: "What is it to be
happy?" At the end of the film, her husband describes her:

“You are beautiful. And you are unpredictable. But you’re so cautious. You’re determined,
Beth, but you know something? You’re not strong. And I don’t know if you’re really giving.
Tell me something. Do you love me? Do you really love me?”​
“I feel the way I’ve always felt about you.”​
“We would’ve been all right, if there hadn’t been any mess. But you can’t handle mess. You
need everything neat and easy. I don’t know. Maybe you can’t love anybody. It was so much
Buck. When Buck died, it was as if you buried all your love with him, and I don’t understand
that. I just don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t even Buck; maybe it was just you. Maybe, finally, it
was the best of you that you buried. But whatever it was... I don’t know who you are. And I
don’t know what we’ve been playing at. So I was crying. Because I don’t know if I love you
anymore. And I don’t know what I’m going to do without that.”

Beth is left speechless and uncertain about how to respond. She turns away, walks
upstairs, and enters a room, appearing lost in thought. Then, she retrieves some luggage
from a closet. A sudden burst of emotion overtakes her, and she cries, but it’s unclear if she
truly identifies with the emotion, and she restrains it. Her son, awake in bed, hears the door
closing and sees a taxi leaving.

“Steel Magnolias”​
Synopsis: A story of love, friendship, determination, courage, and loss. Six friends of
different ages and social classes support each other, especially in the face of death.​
Character: M’Lynn, portrayed by Sally Field, is the central character, embodying the
security of the entire family. She’s also the only one who accompanies her daughter in her
final moments.​
Discussion: M’Lynn is the pillar of the family, managing the household, her husband, the
children, and organizing her daughter Shelby’s wedding, all while ensuring her daughter’s
diabetes is kept under control. Examples of her need for control and efficiency can be seen
in the film’s first part.
During a party, she tries to oversee everything while managing the children and the house.
She talks on the phone, addresses her daughter’s complaints, and scolds her husband for
causing a scene, all while keeping a smile on her face. This shows her disconnection from
personal stress and needs, as well as her inability to enjoy herself.

A similar scene unfolds during the wedding when, while dancing with her son-in-law, she
struggles to relax and instead admonishes him about her daughter’s medical condition,
unable to unwind and enjoy the celebration.

Her efficiency and composure come through when she helps her daughter during a
hypoglycemic episode, knowing exactly what to do to bring her back to normal.

M’Lynn’s conservative nature surfaces when Shelby becomes pregnant against her wishes.
M’Lynn reacts coldly when Shelby shares the news and dismisses her daughter’s concerns
about adoption, displaying a lack of empathy for her daughter’s emotional state.

After Shelby gives birth, M’Lynn donates a kidney to her, downplaying the gravity of the
situation. When her friends express concern for her upcoming surgery, she brushes it off,
maintaining her superficial composure and trivializing her own needs.

When Shelby succumbs to organ rejection and falls into a coma, M’Lynn is determined and
seemingly oblivious to her daughter’s impending death. The family decides to remove
Shelby from life support, but M’Lynn stays behind, holding her daughter’s hand until she is
certain she is dead.

M’Lynn struggles to allow herself to grieve, only allowing herself to cry in solitude after the
funeral. At the burial, she momentarily loses control but quickly pulls herself together, as
it’s not appropriate to show vulnerability. She then shifts her focus to caring for her
grandchild, as if life must go on without pause for personal grief.

The film ends with M’Lynn’s pragmatic approach to life and loss, showing her avoidance of
emotional pain. After the funeral, one of her friends announces she’s pregnant and plans to
name the baby Shelby. M’Lynn smiles and replies, "That’s how it should be. Life goes on…"

In summary, in relation to Conservation E3, the film explores themes of control, practicality,
rebellion in the face of helplessness, delaying personal needs, and experiencing pain in
solitude.

“Blindness”​
Synopsis: In a town struck by a sudden mysterious case of blindness, a doctor’s wife
becomes the only person who can see. She pretends to be blind in order to care for her
husband as the community descends into chaos. She leads them through a journey of
horror, depravity, love, and solidarity, in search of hope. Based on the novel Blindness by
José Saramago, the central message could be summarized as: "If you can see, go. If you can
see, repair."​
Character: The doctor’s wife, played by Julianne Moore.

Discussion: Although this woman’s character is clearly an E3 self-preservation, the point of

the story is to portray someone with the ability to see and be awake—a genuinely good
person—deviating from the darker aspects of the conservationist’s neurosis. We now delve
into a discussion on the more characteristic features of this subtype.

The blind are quarantined in a sanatorium, stripped down to their basic humanity, and
moral and ethical values quickly disappear. The only exception is the doctor’s wife, who
attends to the first blind man. As we mentioned, she remains unaffected by blindness but
pretends to be blind to care for her husband. When she realizes that no one else can see, a
sense of responsibility weighs on her for having sight while others have lost theirs. She
watches over and cares for others. Maintaining her sight grants her powers, responsibilities,
and a superhuman fatigue, all grounded in the survival instinct.

She remains in isolation with the others. As if she had superpowers, she fights for the
well-being of the group, securing food, cleaning, being understanding of her husband’s
infidelity, burying the dead, and narrating stories to a child.

Within the sanatorium, an antagonism of forces arises: “the woman who sees against the
blind man who has never seen.” They lead opposing groups, and to protect her companions,
the woman kills without remorse. She can’t reciprocate her husband’s displays of affection;
she must do what is important. The only thing that brings her to desperate tears is losing
control over time—having forgotten to wind her watch.

Guiding her small group to safety, she welcomes them into her home, caring for them and
feeding them. She protects them from the chaos of the city—dead people, accidents, and
aimless wanderers. She never asks for help.

While scavenging for food, she takes refuge in a church and notices that the images are
blindfolded. She looks at them as if thinking, “Not even God Himself can see... Who would
do that?”

Key sequences characterizing her as an Conservation E3ist:

When health services come for her husband, taking him into confinement, she pretends to
be blind to accompany him; she feels the need to take care of him.
The doctor’s wife starts to lead her group through the corridors toward the toilet, picks up
garbage, cleans, tidies up, and tries to organize the wards; she forgets herself.

Attending to a wounded man, she worries:​

“I’m afraid it’s gonna be infected…”​
“You can’t be responsible for everyone,” her husband tells her. “Are you afraid to close your
eyes?”​
“No. I’m afraid to open them. Afraid I’ll go blind in my sleep,” she replies. And she leaves,
avoiding confrontation with her husband to not show her vulnerability. “I’m gonna take a
walk.”

In a moment of weakness, she exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore,” feeling guilty about the
death of the wounded man she was caring for. “I think I have to tell them that I could help.”
Her husband objects, but she replies, “I can handle it.” He confesses that he no longer sees
her as a wife, only as a mother or a nurse. “Well, you’ll just have to get used to it, won’t
you? Because I don’t have any choice,” the woman retorts.

She catches her husband having sex with another woman. She understands his situation,
chooses to step back, and then consoles another person, revealing the truth to them. She
understands that this is not the right time for accusations.

She is one of the first volunteers in the sex-for-food exchange. “You can do what you like,
and we’ll feed you both. And then you can talk to me about dignity,” she declares to a man
who is against it.

She walks purposefully down the aisle. She takes the scissors that she had hidden and kills
the opposing leader who was raping her companions. She argues with the man born blind:
"We are not in charge here now."

She begins to remove the people from the fire, without thinking about the guards who
might shoot. She goes ahead and leads them to the street. "We are free!" she shouts.

This woman's surrender comes as she leads the blind people through the city to a shelter.
For the first time, she acknowledges needing help and accepts her husband's assistance.
She realizes that she is not omnipotent. She also needs his protection when she is attacked
by the blind men, and her husband has to help her, as she does not let go of the baskets of
food she has found. She prefers to defend the food with her life. When she perceives that
the food is running out, she no longer intends to look for it alone but tells her husband that
the matter must be discussed by all.

Just as she tells her husband that they will have to get more food because the food is
running out, the first man who was blinded regains his sight. He starts walking toward the
terrace. He knows that before long, everyone will be able to shout, "I can see!" and no one
will be the same person as before. At last, she feels free. She is no longer needed... And
now, can she give herself up? She looks up at the clear, bright sky and thinks, "I think I'm
going blind." She looks down: the city is still there.

A Literary Example

Screencap of Lara (Julie Christie) in the movie Doctor Zhivago, directed by David Lean
(1965)

This section provides an analysis of Conservation E3 based on the character of Lara

Antipova in Doctor Zhivago.

Lara holds a central role as the main female character alongside the protagonist, Doctor
Zhivago, after whom Boris Pasternak’s (1890-1960) best-known novel is named. Yuri
Zhivago and Lara Antipova, each in their unique way, navigate their lives in the Soviet
Union, deeply impacted by the wartime struggles against Germany, affecting the most
intimate aspects of their existence. Doctor Zhivago is, in a way, a novel about life and love,
echoing Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina but with a reversal of roles between man and woman.

It tells the story of Yuri Zhivago, a doctor and poet, and his relationships with two women:
his wife Tonya, and his lover Lara. It’s crucial to clarify that this analysis strictly focuses on
Lara’s character in the novel and not the portrayal in the film, which deviates from
Pasternak’s description.

Readers are introduced to Larissa in the second chapter when she arrives in Moscow from
the Urals with her mother, a humble dressmaker, and her brother to pursue studies in a
women’s institute. Later throughout the book, the author refers to her almost exclusively by
her diminutive, Lara.

“She was a little over sixteen, but she was a fully formed young girl. They gave her
eighteen or more. She had a clear mind and an easy character. She was very good-looking
[...] She and Rodya [her brother] understood that they would have to get everything in life
the hard way, relying only on their own strength.” (p. 37)

In Conservation E3, it’s often ingrained from a young age that they’ll have to get by in life
with minimal external support. Additionally, Pasternak points out her emphasis on “doing,”
supporting her mother, and a practical attitude toward earning a living:

Lara studied well, not out of an abstract thirst for knowledge, but because to be exempt
from paying for one’s studies one had to be a good student, and therefore one had to study
well. Just as she studied well, so without effort she washed dishes, helped in the shop, and
ran errands for her mother. She moved noiselessly and smoothly, and everything about
her—the inconspicuous quickness of her movements, her height, her voice, her gray eyes
and fair hair—went perfectly together. (p. 37)

This is very typical in Conservation E3: a tendency to study more for a specific purpose—in
this case to get a scholarship—rather than being driven by a deep inner motivation. This
personality type is also efficient, orderly, and quick in practical domestic work.

Lara is seduced by Komarovsky, her mother’s friend and supporter “who could have been
her father,” and whose strength and “covert boldness prompted the little demon awakened
in her to imitation.” She’s drawn to the fact that he “spent money and time on her, called her
goddess...” (p. 62). Although she feels vulnerable in his presence, she avoids succumbing to
drama or tragedy. Internally, she is caught between feelings of attraction and resentment.
While he gives her all the “fatherly” attention she never had, his expectations as a man
increasingly irritate her.

Lara was not religious. She did not believe in rites. But sometimes, in order to endure life,
she needed it to be accompanied by some inner music. She could not invent such music
each time for herself. This music was the word of God about life, and Lara went to church to
weep over it. (p. 64)

We often observe in individuals of the Conservation E3 type that their spirituality,

particularly during youth, is characterized more by the longing to feel connected and
belong, rather than an aspiration toward higher mysticism or supreme enlightenment.

When she becomes too unsettled by Komarovsky’s persistent sexual advances, she looks
for a job as a governess and decides to leave home: “For more than three years, Lara lived
with the Kologrivovs as if behind a stone wall” (p. 91). This way, she saves herself from
falling victim to the older, dominant, experienced man, from continuing to lead a double life
in secrecy, and from losing further control over herself. Here, a distinct contrast emerges
between Conservation E3 and E4; Lara becomes somewhat “lost” in this relationship for a
while, but through her own decision, determination, and effort, she finds a way out—in this
case, through a drastic escape. She doesn’t remain feeling eternally victimized, subdued,
and complaining; instead, she leaves without divulging to anyone her reasons for having
done so. She keeps quiet about what happened. She also finds nature dearer to her than a
father and mother, better than a lover, and wiser than a book. For an instant, the meaning of
existence was again revealed to Lara. She was here—so she conceived—in order to see into
the mad enchantment of the earth and to call everything by name. (p. 94)

There’s a certain simplicity in this subtype, a sense of security in nature, a closeness to the
earth, and an exploration that begins with the available possibilities. Nature doesn’t impose
demands; one can’t project personal expectations onto it. Thus, the mind of someone who
habitually views themselves through the eyes of others can find repose. It’s in these
moments that an awakening to the essentials can occur, a realization that there’s another
realm, “a beyond” the routine of everyday life.

Another recurring theme in the conservative mindset, already evident in the young Lara, is
being “overtired from the excessive work she had heaped on herself” (p. 94). She works
more than required because she wants to feel independent and useful, and because she
wants to avoid owing anything. However, as she fails to achieve this and succumbs to
melancholy, depression, and confusion, she aims an “imaginary shot... fired at Komarovsky,
at herself, at her own fate…” (p. 96). In desperation, she asks her friend Pasha to marry her
to save her. After actually shooting Komarovsky, who is only slightly injured, he reflects on
her: “There had always been something extraordinary about her. Yet how painfully and,
apparently, irreparably he had mutilated her life! How she thrashes about, how she rises up
and rebels all the time, striving to remake her fate in her own way and begin life anew!” (p.
113).

For Lara, it’s unfathomable to be defeated by someone who has inflicted so much harm
upon her. Many human beings, if not all of us, are in some way “survivors” of trauma, and
we respond to it in various ways. In Conservation E3, it is particularly characteristic not to
linger in the downfall, not to embrace failure, but to rise as best as they can and forge
ahead. Even when very unwell, Lara has a hard time accepting help from a paternal friend:
“And, on leaving, he [Kologrivov] forced her, despite her objections, tears, and even
something like a scuffle, to accept from him a bank check for ten thousand rubles” (p. 11).
This resonates with many processes observed in individuals with the Conservation E3
character—having to learn to allow themselves to be helped, recognizing that there are
moments or situations in life when the notions of “I can do it alone” or “I have to be able to
do it alone” reach their genuine limits.

Once married to Pasha and done with her studies, she experiences a period of relative
tranquility:

Lara was immersed in her chores and work. She was in charge of the house and her
three-year-old daughter Katenka. She took care of all her husband’s affairs and also taught
in the girls’ high school. She worked without respite and was happy. This was precisely the
life she had dreamed of. (p. 128)

In general, this is the dream of an Conservation E3 woman—a sense of “having achieved

everything”: a fulfilling job, a husband, children, and the ability to manage all
responsibilities. Yet, life, in its unpredictability, external circumstances, or internal processes,
can put an end to this idyll, either abruptly or gradually.
When Pasha decides to leave after receiving a mission, Lara perceives it as “the most
serious defeat in her life. Her best, her brightest hopes had collapsed.” However, she
doesn’t just sit back and mourn with her arms folded. Instead, she “begins seriously to
study the basics of medicine and passes an examination at the clinic to qualify as a nurse”
(p. 133). As we’ve observed, two pillars in this subtype are study and work, through which
she fulfills her deep need for “security.” Through her studies, she invests in securing a
satisfying job that allows her to be self-sufficient, “so that nothing is lacking,” “to treat
herself,” “to avoid economic dependence,” and “to be useful.” This feeds her idealized
self-image of being “good,” “intelligent,” “hardworking,” “efficient,” and “practical.” Lara
approaches things with precision and efficiency. As she wants to search for her husband,
she “goes to work as a nurse on a hospital train” heading to the place from where she had
received his last letter. She exhibits a pragmatic and focused mindset in pursuing her goals.
When on the way, she learns that Zhivago, her childhood friend, works in the town next to
her destination, she resourcefully “finds” “a wagon that was headed in that direction” (p.
134).

Upon hearing that her husband is imprisoned, something she struggles to believe, we
witness a moment where “She could not hold back the rising tears and did not want to cry
in front of strangers. She got up quickly and left the ward, to regain her composure in the
corridor” (p. 152). While it’s generally difficult for many women to cry in front of strangers,
for Conservation E3, revealing fragility and vulnerability is particularly delicate and feared.
It represents one of the greatest self-deceptions inherent in projecting an outward image of
being good, efficient, hardworking, empathetic, loyal, and committed—concealing the inner
truth where feelings of inadequacy, weakness, fears, sadness, and deep pain also reside.

With the revolution in full swing, Lara finds herself in a hospital near the front,
collaborating with Dr. Zhivago. Their first, and so far only, brief, personal, and intimate
conversation takes place in Lara’s room while she irons her clothes. Zhivago’s sudden
emotional openness and his desire to protect her disturb her to the point that, neglecting
her chore, she burns her blouse. She interrupts her activity and instantly ends the
conversation. She is visibly touched. In the face of intimacy, and the revelation of someone’s
humanity, her defenses begin to melt away.

Much later, the two cross paths again in Yuriatin’s library, with Lara once again immersed in
her studies:

Now and then she lapsed into thought, raising her eyes to the ceiling or narrowing them
and peering somewhere far ahead of her, and then again, propped on her elbow, her head
resting on her hand, in a quick, sweeping movement she penciled some notes in her
notebook. Watching her, Yuri Andreevich [Zhivago] was verifying the correctness of his old
impressions. “She doesn’t want to be admired,” he thought, “to be beautiful, captivating.
She feels a kind of contempt for that side of a woman’s nature, this aspect of femininity; and
it is as if she punishes herself for being so good-looking. And that proud hostility to herself
increases her irresistibility tenfold.”

Zhivago’s reflections go straight to the heart of the matter: Lara’s way of manifesting vanity.
Women of this subtype are not prone to confidently flaunting their femininity. They have
neither the lewdness of the feline nor the overt allure of a hysteric. Their expression of
femininity is more restrained; they may even possess a form of “anti-vanity,” neglecting the
external image, possibly intentionally. She is indeed seductive, but in a more reserved,
intellectual manner, designed to be “not so noticeable.” Her womanhood is manifested
more in actions, caring for others, and being in service to them.

When the two of them arrive at her house, Zhivago continues to observe her:

“In the reading room I compared the eagerness of her reading with the passion and ardor of
actually doing something, of physical work. And, on the contrary, she carries water lightly,
effortlessly, as if she were reading. She has this facility in everything. As if she had picked
up the momentum for life way back in her childhood, and now everything is done with that
momentum, of itself, with the ease of an ensuing consequence. She has it in the line of her
back when she bends over, and in the smile that parts her lips and rounds her chin, and in
her words and thoughts.” (p. 344)

The author now paints, through Zhivago’s point of view, a picture of an adult Lara. The
confusions, limitations, and the tumultuous events of the revolution haven’t broken her. She
appears highly focused and attentive to her actions, conveying a sense of even greater
integration, softness, freedom, and maturity in her identity.

Lara tells Zhivago about her childhood and her experiences during the revolution:

“In my childhood I saw poverty and labor close up. That makes my attitude towards the
revolution different from yours. It’s closer to me. There’s much in it that is dear to me. And
suddenly he becomes a colonel, this boy, the yard porter’s son. Or even a White general. I
come from a civilian milieu and don’t know much about ranks. By training I’m a history
teacher. Yes, that’s how it is, Zhivago. I helped many people.” (p. 347)

Lara is no revolutionary, but she sympathizes with the movement and understands its
human and social causes. She is close to people, leveraging her social skills to assist those
in need.

Selfishness is less pronounced in the conservative subtype compared to the other two.
While prioritizing the primary need for security, they are adept at surviving with little,
saving when possible, and demonstrating generosity towards those who possess less than
them. Motivated to be a good person and uphold correctness, they are more inclined to help
on an individual level rather than being inspired by broader social causes or ideologies.

People like Strelnikov (formerly Antipov), her husband, are incomprehensible to Lara. She
tells Zhivago: “They’re flint, not people. Principles. Discipline. [...] He needs to lay all these
military laurels at our feet, so as not to come back empty-handed, but all in glory, a
conqueror! To immortalize, to bedazzle us! Like a child!” (p. 351)

She desires genuine closeness from him, both towards her daughter and herself. However,
the increasing emotional distance caused by his absence, the news of the atrocities he has
committed, and his lack of communication about the attitudes that motivate him in his
revolutionary struggle alienate her from him more and more.

When Zhivago attempts to break off their love affair and stop seeing her, “Unfelt,
unbeknownst to her, tears flowed down Lara’s cheeks, like the rainwater that now poured
down the faces of the stone statues opposite, on the house with figures. Sincerely, without
affected magnanimity, she repeated quietly: «Do what’s better for you, don’t think about me.
I’ll get over it all.» And since she did not know she was crying, she did not wipe her tears.”
(p. 353)

Lara acts as if his sufferings were more important than her own. She suppresses her own
sadness so as not to “upset him with painful scenes.” All individuals of this subtype can
recall situations in their lives where they expressed little emotion despite being deeply
affected. It’s a struggle to recognize the importance of the other person in their lives, how
much they mean to them, and the pain of their departure. It reflects the difficulty of
revealing their true feelings, prioritizing the other’s emotions over their own, and trying to
understand them more than themselves. This results in a lack of spontaneity and an inner
disconnection from emotions—a self-annihilation of feelings, buried so long ago and so
deeply that there is little access to their expression. Pasternak poetically captures this in
describing Lara: “Unfelt, unbeknownst to her, tears flowed down Lara’s cheeks, like the
rainwater that now poured down the faces of the stone statues opposite, on the house with
figures.” (p. 353)

When Zhivago returns to Lara’s house following his prolonged kidnapping at the hands of
partisans and a daring escape, he discovers a letter from Lara addressed to him in the key’s
hiding place. In the letter, she explains how to use the house and mentions leaving food for
him. The term “security” aptly illustrates her thoughts and actions here—she ensures he
has what he needs to survive and be protected. Once again, she embodies the woman who
loves, and to love for her means to take care of the other and express her affection through
practical support. She returns at last when Zhivago is very ill. “Lara nourished him, nursed
him by her care, by her swan-white loveliness, by the moist-breathed, throaty whispering of
her questions and answers.” (p. 456)
In the intimate conversations between Lara and Zhivago about life, love, Russian families,
and their respective histories, the woman’s maturity is evident in the depth with which she
analyzes, understands, and summarizes her experiences. She is very realistic,
acknowledging: “All that’s productive, settled, all that’s connected with habitual life, with
the human nest and its order, all of it went to rack and ruin along with the upheaval of the
whole of society and its reorganization. All everyday things were overturned and
destroyed.” (p. 464)

On the one hand, she defends duty, “the call of faithfulness. I would sacrifice everything.
Even what’s most dear. You.” On the other hand, she says, “Oh, forgive me. I’m not saying
the right thing. It’s not true. [...] What will become of us? What are we to do?” (p. 465) Their
fate remains uncertain as they are reunited in the present, each carrying a shattered past
and facing an unknown future. Never before have they communicated with such intensity
and clarity about how history has shaped their lives. Lara speaks in a very centered and
focused manner:

“Then untruth came to the Russian land. The main trouble, the root of the future evil, was
the loss of faith in the value of one’s own opinion. [...] This social delusion was
all-enveloping, contagious. Everything fell under its influence. Not even our home could
stand against this bane. Something in it was shaken.” (p. 466)

Lara doesn’t follow the revolutionary path embraced by the majority. She declares herself
affected, but refuses to sacrifice her inner values. Instead, living through those tumultuous
times has allowed her to mature and gain clarity about her beliefs. At the same time, she
naturally takes care of the house:

She cooked or did laundry and then, with the remaining soapy water, washed the floors in
the house. Or, calm and less flushed, she ironed and mended her own, his, and Katenka’s
linen. Or, having finished with the cooking, laundry, and tidying up, she gave lessons to
Katenka. Or, burying herself in textbooks, she occupied herself with her own political
reeducation, before going back to the newly reformed school as a teacher. (pp. 468-469)

Throughout the novel, Pasternak consistently highlights these traits of Lara that align so
closely with Conservation E3. As we’re nearing the end, Lara reflects:

“What domestic instinct, what ineradicable striving for a nest and order!” said Larissa
Fyodorovna, watching her daughter’s play from the kitchen. “Children are unconstrainedly
sincere and not ashamed of the truth, while we, from fear of seeming backward, are ready
to betray what’s most dear, to praise the repulsive, and to say yes to the incomprehensible.”
(p. 498)
While it might hold true that, in general, adults are more hypocritical than children, the
examples Lara mentions are particularly emblematic of the tendency to falsify associated
with Type Three individuals, and certainly, with the Self-Preservation subtype.

In the cottage where they have taken refuge, Lara wants to establish order: “Do you have
any sort of weapon? No, you see. I’m frightened of your lightheartedness, which you’ve
infected me with. It muddles my thinking.” (p. 500)

Then she says:

“Sacrifice a few hours for me during the next few nights and, please, write down everything
you’ve recited to me from memory at various times. Half of it has been lost, the other half
has never been written down, and I’m afraid you’ll forget it all afterward and it will perish,
as you say has often happened to you before.” (p. 501)

Loving and caring go hand in hand. The ease with which she organizes things, puts them in
their place, has her feet on the ground, translates ideas into concrete actions, pens down
thoughts to safeguard them from being lost, and concretizes the abstract are typical traits
of this subtype. Security in the interest of self-preservation is manifested here in her
foresight, proactive measures, and a preventive approach to addressing potential issues.

Lara is determined to leave, but under the condition that Zhivago accompanies her:

In the same way, states of equilibrium alternated in her with fits of anguished uneasiness,
natural in a hardworking woman unaccustomed to daylong outpourings of the heart and
the idle, impermissible luxury of immoderate caresses. (p. 508)

In this situation, where she faces real danger by staying in that house, the perpetual activity
of this subtype—though seemingly executed with a sense of tranquility—is unconsciously
driven by profound inner restlessness. It’s an addiction to constant action, to having to do;
there’s an illusion of alleviating anguish through “doing,” maintaining a semblance of
control, providing a sense of “security.”

Ultimately, in the aftermath of Yuri Zhivago’s death, Lara reflects on the images of their
relationship with a clear mind and an open heart:

They loved each other. Not out of necessity, not because they were “swept away by
passion,” as it is falsely described. They loved each other because everything around them
wanted it so: the earth beneath their feet, the sky over their heads, the clouds and trees. [...]
Never, never, even in moments of the most gratuitous, self-forgetful happiness, did that
most lofty and thrilling thing abandon them: delight in the general mold of the world, the
feeling of their relation to the whole picture, the sense of belonging to the beauty of the
whole spectacle, to the whole universe.
They breathed only by that oneness. And therefore the exaltation of man over the rest of
nature, the fashionable fussing over and worshipping of man, never appealed to them. Such
false principles of social life, turned into politics, seemed to them pathetically homemade
and remained incomprehensible. (p. 573)

Love transcends, at least at times, the limitations of character. It’s, yet again, the simplicity
of Lara’s soul that allows her, along with Zhivago, to feel that they are part of a whole, part
of nature, in harmony with the cosmos, and immune to the aspirations, ambitions, and
promises of the “new world” heralded by political factions.

Although she is in despair over Yuri’s death and torments herself with guilt for their
separation (that was involuntary on her part), as well as the events that unfolded
afterward, she says: “There’s no peace for my soul from pity and torment. But I’m not
telling, I’m not revealing the main thing. I can’t name it, I haven’t got strength enough.” (p.
574). And she begins “the sorting of papers she had talked about with Evgraf Andreevich”
(p. 575).

Once again, she is focused and dedicated to fulfilling what holds significance and meaning
for her. However, she’s not destined to complete it.

One day, Larissa Fyodorovna left the house and did not come back again. Evidently, she was
arrested on the street in those days and died or vanished; no one knew where, forgotten
under some nameless number on subsequently lost lists, in one of the countless general or
women’s concentration camps in the north. (p. 575)

Lara remains in the reader’s memory as a character who has lived her life and fate with
remarkable dignity amid challenges and difficult circumstances; who has loved deeply, and
has, at times, transcended, with considerable light, the confines of character.

A Vignette

Design of the Conservation E3

This graphic representation illustrates the core characteristics of the Conservation E3
subtype. The dynamic figure exudes energy and movement, reflecting the subtype's active
nature.

The sporty attire doesn't necessarily mean the Conservation E3 is always engaged in sports
activities, though they do enjoy cultivating an attractive and healthy physique. The powerful
legs convey an amplification of the surrounding environment while maintaining balance.
The bent leg symbolizes reliance on the Intellectual Center for grounding in reality. This
stable stance is crucial for managing the multitude of tasks this subtype often juggles,
preventing imbalance in the constant seesaw of their responsibilities.

The background features a clock with its hands moving in the opposite direction,
symbolizing the simultaneous pressures and opportunities inherent in managing time.
Assertiveness and agility in task accomplishment contribute to a positive impression on
others. Entrepreneurship is central to their dynamic. However, the esteem conferred upon
them by the modern capitalist world increasingly leads E3s toward burnout or
self-destruction, as they become victims of their own vanity, trying to prove themselves as
the best “doers” in the world.

The multiple arms, like the hands of the relentless clock, symbolize action and pursuit. They
are directed at different targets, indicating the ability to focus on several issues at once. The
icons in the circles represent significant themes in the life of the Conservation E3ist. The
fact that they are literally in their hands symbolizes their need for control over various
aspects of their surroundings.
These icons are arranged so that the most important aspects of the conservationist’s life
appear at the top. They are also positioned according to their inner alignment—whether
emotional or intellectual—corresponding to the bodily reading of the two hemispheres
(right = reason; left = emotion). Thus, at the top and on the right side of the individual, we
find the representative element of E3, which speaks to the search for acceptance through
success, excellence, performance, or social and professional fulfillment. The handbag
(continuing on the right side) symbolizes attunement with current fashion trends. However,
unlike other subtypes (social and sexual), their style of dress is more discreet and elegant.
They ensure not to stand out, following fashion but with concessions to practicality and
comfort, allowing for ease of movement.

Maintaining a modern and well-groomed appearance is intrinsic to this profile, presented to

the world as an image. This extends to everything contemporary: cultural elements, sports,
science, cutting-edge technology, and more. Conservation E3 expresses a keen interest in
novelties. When possible and convenient, they will seek to deepen their knowledge, follow
trends, or become practitioners. Their image of efficiency and high performance is grounded
in staying attuned to the advances of the time.

Conservation E3 is considered almost unnaturally strong. In truth, they only slow down
when confronted with significant failure or physical collapse. To stay active, they maintain a
slim and pleasant appearance, adhering to a balanced diet. Physical activities complement
their self-care. Even in solitary pursuits, the Conservation E3 sets personal goals, leaning
towards self-competition and continuous self-improvement. When achieved, these
milestones are revealed with a nonchalant gesture, as if such accomplishments were
natural and of no great significance.

Health and well-being concerns notably extend to their family. Maintaining a focus on
organic food, a balanced diet, and similar practices is a key aspect of their attention and
control.

Moving to the left side of the figure (right for the reader), at the top, we find the icon that
distinguishes the Conservation E3 subtype. Conservative patterns are driven by survival,
with security being the key concept for the Conservation E3.

A personality shaped by external influences and validation tends to view others as a

reference point. This creates a sense of inner emptiness, which gives rise to anxiety-driven
behaviors like control, urgency, and compulsive “doing.” The conservative subtype seeks to
resolve this existential dilemma by pursuing security, especially in material terms. Money,
as a tangible element, provides the illusion of vital protection.

The space for love feels cramped, squeezed between countless tasks, and there is a great
fear of intimacy and surrender. The Conservation E3 does not like feeling indebted or
inferior in relationships. They also avoid perceiving a partner from an elevated position;
having someone seen as a failure beside them can be uncomfortable. This discomfort arises
not only from the need for admiration but also from the tendency to view family members
as extensions of themselves. Just as they place themselves before the world to be admired,
so too should their loved ones be admired. The Conservation E3 thus idealizes a partner
and family that garners admiration from society. A family composed of beautiful, intelligent,
responsible, and capable individuals brings them great satisfaction.

The family holds significant importance for the Conservation E3ist. For the sake of their
family, they can set aside individual projects. It becomes a realm of security where they can
demonstrate their ability to efficiently care for and protect their loved ones, paying attention
to the smallest details. The Conservation E3ist takes on the responsibility of ensuring the
family’s comfort and material well-being—a tangible expression of their love. Conflicts may
arise due to their anxious need for things to happen in the way and time they define. In their
quest for control, they may unintentionally stifle others' initiative and responsibility, creating
a paradox of dependent people, which contradicts the idealized family image they hold.

The final icon signifies the home. Ideally, the Conservation E3ist’s residence will be
spacious, well-ventilated, and meticulously maintained. Aesthetic choices are intended to
project an image of sophisticated simplicity.

Owning a house and other material assets brings them a sense of security—a refuge in the
present and comfort for the future. The anxiety associated with life and death is evident in
their meticulous care for their environment and possessions.

In ancient times, long before the Earth was created, God made the birds that lived in the
Garden of Eden. They varied in size—some large, some small—and in color, each
possessing beautiful plumage. The one with the most powerful voice was the rooster.

They flew through the sunny air of the garden, which, with its lush trees and flowers,
produced food in abundance. In those golden days, they quenched their thirst from the
crystal-clear waters of the countless streams.

The fruits and berries were so delectable, and the company of the angels so divine, that the
rooster grew dissatisfied with the comfortable life and began to long for adventure.

One day, he asked the angel who looked after the welfare of the birds, “My shining one,
where could I go to find adventure and meaning in life? I do nothing important in this place
where everything is goodness and light!”

“Patience, brave rooster,” replied the angel. “God, the Merciful, is compassionate and has
already made plans for you.”
The rooster, ruffling his feathers, let out a loud crow and, filled with pride, announced to the
other birds, “I’ll be given an important position! Pay close attention! One of these days, I will
surprise you all.”

“Brother, what news is this?” said the other birds. “Are you not satisfied with your life here
in the garden, among trees full of the finest fruit?”

The rooster crowed even louder and soared high into the sky with pride, for in those days,
roosters could fly as high as eagles.

Then the angel approached the rooster and told him, “God, the Merciful, the
Compassionate, created the Earth below us and placed all kinds of beings—humans and
animals—on it. You, the rooster, must go down there and share the news of God’s
greatness with all creatures.”

“I will be appointed herald!” exclaimed the rooster. “Messenger of incomparable news!”

“No, no, no,” said the angel. “You must fly there and return immediately once you have told
the men, animals, and birds below that tomorrow will dawn for the first time. Proclaim the
greatness of God, the One, with the full force of your voice. And return immediately here.
This is the message I was sent to give you.”

The rooster flew to Earth. On the first day, as he hatched, he crowed with all his might to
the newly born, saying, “Oh, men, animals, and birds. God sent me to give you His blessings
and tell you that I, the herald of the days of God, the bird with the most powerful voice in
the Garden of Eden, was chosen among all for this task.”

Amazed, all who heard him—men, animals, and birds—fell down in awe before the rooster,
paying him homage. He soared into the air to display his great prowess, his heart swelling
with vanity.

As night fell, tired from flying and fluttering, he fell asleep, completely forgetting that he
was to return directly to Paradise.

Several days passed, and the rooster, with his clarinet-like crow, woke everyone at dawn,
and they continued to revere him. He began to believe, for this reason, that he was the most
important creature in the newborn world. Strutting among the men, shaking his crest, he
looked around with arrogance.

One day, he remembered the angel’s words and thought, “I had better return to the Garden
now, as quickly as possible, for I have the impression that I stayed too long on Earth.”
He let out a loud cry, put his feet together, and began to shake his wings, ready to ascend
to the heavens. But despite several attempts, he had no strength in his wings. He barely
managed to lift himself a few feet off the ground before falling again.

The rooster’s great vanity was his undoing. By forgetting the word of God, he became a
prisoner of Earth. That’s why you can often see the rooster beating his wings against his
chest, trying to regain his former speed, but he can no longer fly, not even over the garden
fence.

Transformation Process and Therapeutic Recommendations

In the therapeutic process, the therapist must be mindful of the Conservation E3 patient’s
tendency toward condescension and the “everything is fine” attitude, where they present
themselves as the model patient and emphasize the therapeutic alliance.

The patient of this subtype will try to intuit the therapist’s preferences, likes, and dislikes,
seeking to identify what interests them most. The goal is to adhere as effectively as
possible to the therapist’s expectations in order to feel secure.

It’s important to bring this dynamic to light, working on the patient’s automatisms and the
idealized image of the perfect patient they attempt to emulate in order to feel accepted. The
E3 self-preservation, skilled in manipulation, may play into the therapist’s narcissism by
positioning themselves as the “ideal patient,” which implies that the therapist must be the
“best therapist.” This idealization can easily damage their own self-image.

The greatest difficulty for the Conservation E3 patient is to open up and express emotions,
particularly sadness through tears, which are seen as a dangerous weakness. Any aspect of
the shadow that surfaces during therapy is perceived as a threatening blow to their
narcissism.

Their tendency to avoid seeing what really matters often involves focusing on surface-level
things, recounting facts in detail while overlooking the underlying process, dynamics, and
symbolism. It is crucial for them to acknowledge their internal timing, experiencing
moments of pain and difficulty without rushing to find an immediate solution. This helps
them realize they are not drowning in pain, and that the natural flow of life allows for a
clearer perspective.

When faced with challenges, embracing a state of “being without doing” enables them to
recognize the influence of control on their emotional flow. Physically, this manifests as
contractions in the stomach, thorax, back, and throat, which are soon identified as the fear
of losing control and feeling the pain.
It is fundamental to address their envy, competitiveness, and suppressed feelings of
inferiority—key aspects that often drive neurotic behavior when the patient is unaware.
These elements can serve as valuable resources for growth when brought into conscious
awareness.

Facilitating the direct expression of anger and disagreement toward the therapist is also
beneficial.

As the idealized image of themselves begins to shatter, like a mirror struck by a stone, the
Conservation E3 patient comes into contact with a deep pain and the fear of becoming
“nothing,” a mere empty vessel. At this point, they realize they have portrayed a character
all their life and no longer know who they are.

In the therapist, they seek a dependable presence that offers security, someone they can
finally trust. Through this connection, they uncover their underlying needs and gradually, at
their own pace, rediscover their human identity. It becomes crucial for them to regain
permission to exist beyond external expectations, coupled with ample physical support and
contact (affirmations such as “It’s okay to be yourself; you don’t need to do so much to be
accepted”).

On the other hand, it’s vital to deconstruct their defense mechanism of self-justification and
the habit of attributing responsibility to external factors, encouraging them to establish a
deeper connection with themselves.

It is also advisable to inquire about their quick enthusiasm for activities, whether they are
hobbies or work, and their tendency to easily lose interest or stagnate. This exploration
helps uncover what sparks their passion and what might be holding them back.

Creating a psychologically “safe” environment is essential—ensuring the patient feels seen,

welcomed, heard, and respected. At the beginning, strong confrontations are not
recommended, as the E3 may withdraw. However, as the therapeutic journey progresses,
there comes a point where they need to be challenged, not just gently affirmed. The
following account illustrates this:

One of the most transformative experiences for me was encountering non-confluence,

tough confrontations, and facing disillusionment with someone I looked up to as a teacher
or spiritual guide. It was at that moment that I realized my healing depended solely on me,
that I alone had the power to do this. The idea of expecting that there would always be
someone to guide me unconditionally and kindly, like a father figure, was unrealistic. I
understood that it’s impossible to make everyone happy, that the way I am will satisfy some
but not others; that this is just the way it is, and it’s okay. I came to terms with how
delusional my fantasy of wanting to please everyone was.​
(Ferran)

It is also healing for an Conservation E3 man to rediscover his masculine energy. The
potential for direct and clear confrontations, pursuing what he truly desires or needs
(“conquering” the world), is immensely valuable. To achieve this, it’s vital for him to
experience the support of another man, someone who serves as a reference point and with
whom he can collaborate rather than compete. In short, it’s about regaining confidence in
both the other person and his own identity.

This approach recognizes that the energetic and sensorimotor foundation of E3 is very
similar to that of E8, though in the former, the energy has been castrated. This is why
contact with men who confidently express masculinity, and even relationships with
representatives of the lustful Enneatype, can help the conservationist reestablish contact,
autonomy, and self-confidence.

In the transformation process, which traits of their subtype can prove beneficial for the
Conservation E3 therapist in their work?

As therapists, being aware of our neurotic defenses and understanding that what may
seem like a quality on the surface is, in essence, a flaw—and vice versa—empowers us to
utilize these traits therapeutically.

An Conservation E3 therapist excels in providing security and containment to the patient,

especially when operating authentically and in tune with themselves. This authenticity
encourages others to embrace their own genuineness. Having self-awareness about their
deceit enables the therapist to easily unveil the masks of others.

Moreover, the desire to “do it right,” when it’s no longer a neurotic necessity, allows the
therapist to become keenly attuned to the impeccable nature of their presence and,
consequently, their “therapeutic work.” A therapist of this subtype aims for nothing short of
excellence.

Finally, the natural inclination to control can transform into a therapeutic presence with a
comprehensive understanding of the process and the overall context. Here’s an illuminating
insight:

“I find that I tap into the traits I consider positive in my personality, even if I see them as less
prominent, like efficiency and swift action and thinking. I’ve also learned to wait for signals
that confirm the validity of my intuition before taking action.”​
(Susana)
Recommended Tasks

This section outlines several therapeutic suggestions that can help advance the
transformative process for the Self-Preservation subtype.

Agenda and Tasks

●​ Reduce the number of imposed tasks.

●​ Reflect on what you really want to do or not do.
●​ Incorporate “do-nothing” periods into your schedule.
●​ Learn to say “no” when it’s not convenient to take on certain tasks. Be mindful of the
compulsion to agree to any request, regardless of who it comes from.
●​ Set real priorities; often, the never-ending agenda doesn’t align with what genuinely
matters when evaluating your life.
●​ Focus on one task at a time; prioritize some, give up on others.
●​ Recognize that not everything you do requires utility or a practical purpose.

Indulging in Pleasure

●​ Pick a few activities solely for your own enjoyment and engage in them.
●​ Do something pleasurable that’s “absolutely unnecessary.”
●​ Prioritize self-care: be attuned to your needs, allocate more time for personal
attention, reserve moments for leisure, treat your body well, avoid compulsive
eating or drinking, slow down, breathe...
●​ Participate in activities that require patience and attention to detail, like gardening,
handicrafts, painting, etc.
●​ Embrace the playful and the carefree; revel in the joy of life (the inner child’s erotic
love). Adopt an attitude of “making it easy.”
●​ Allow yourself to waste time.
●​ Re-educate the “inner child” by affirming its qualities (Antonio Blay’s technique of
re-education of the unconscious).

Acknowledging Limitations, Cultivating Humility and Confidence

●​ Learn to ask for help.

●​ Delegate tasks; allow others to do something (even if they “don’t do it as perfectly
as you would”).
 ●​ Laugh at yourself more.
●​ Embrace an attitude of humility; recognize your pride. Work on your tendencies
toward feeling omnipotent.
●​ Talk about your needs and openly express them.
●​ Seek body contact.

Relationships with Others

●​ Choose a few people you’re intimate with and make a point of talking about yourself
rather than just listening and/or giving advice.
●​ Respect others for who they are.
●​ Give more from the heart; stop always looking for solutions in your head.
●​ Acknowledge unspoken expectations in your most intimate relationships.
●​ Be less critical of yourself and others.
●​ Connect with individuals of E2, E7, and E8 Enneatypes, as they will be most useful
in helping you break your rigid patterns.
●​ Learn to say “I love you” despite feelings of embarrassment or fear of rejection.
●​ Trust someone without reservations: “Putting my trust in a teacher [Claudio Naranjo]
to guide me towards an easier path was the first step for me to break free from my
patterns. I, who was always so independent, entrusted my life to another!” (Nilda)
●​ Practice active listening.
●​ Invite people over on the spur of the moment. Resist the urge to have the final say
every time.

Being More Than Doing

●​ Avoid being always available and allow yourself to be useless: “One of the most
difficult things is to understand and accept that any change in daily habits triggers
an immediate, often negative response from those around you, because it means
you step back from always being available, and cease to anticipate others’ needs. In
short, you stop being ‘irreplaceable.’ This leads to accepting that your value as a
person, as a human being, isn’t solely defined by what you do for others. It’s also
very challenging to cope with the feeling of uselessness, as if you had no defined
role in the world. To endure that sensation without hastily filling it with some
activity, no matter how trivial it may be, represents true work with yourself.”
(Susana)
●​ Embrace more being and less having.
●​ Recognize that love is found in feeling, not just doing.
 ●​ Reclaim the art of simply looking without feeling compelled to act.
●​ Cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external validation: “I exist even if
they don’t look at me.”

Connecting with Yourself and Your Truth

●​ Meditate! Meditate and persist in this practice (The Conservation E3 subtype can
quickly get bored of meditation because they expect immediate results).
●​ Incorporate meditation into your daily activities to slow down.
●​ Body work: “Certainly, meditation, which teaches us not to do, and work engaging
the body, a facet often overlooked, are crucial for the Conservation E3 to find
tranquility and wisdom. Many of us declare a difficulty with both touching and being
touched. Each person overcomes it through specific therapeutic approaches.
Touching and being touched imply trust—a quality we’re yet to develop.” (Nilda)
●​ Endure and embrace moments of emptiness and loneliness.
●​ Focus on your authentic qualities (energy, love, happiness, and intelligence) that
aren’t a product of vanity or false modesty.
●​ Recognize and accept your limits, feeling deserving of both giving and receiving. You
don’t have to do anything to receive love. Learn to receive love simply for existing.
●​ Explore prayer and asking in a straightforward manner without trying to be too
polite.
●​ Release negative emotions, your “lower self,” such as hatred, anger, resentment,
and sadness. Let go of the façade of “everything is fine.”
●​ Don’t try to always force a smile.

Security

●​ Shift away from hyper-stability: “I’ll handle the little things, and the rest is in God’s
hands.”
●​ Let go of notions of permanence and control.
●​ Learn to express discomfort directly, without dropping hints or using irony.
●​ Dare to say what you’re thinking; allow yourself to use foul language and let that
“son of a bitch” slip. Get in touch with anger and express it.
●​ Work less and prioritize emotions more.
●​

Psychocorporal Work
 ●​ Alternate between intense and gentle work. The “strong” and “cathartic” aspects
should release deep tensions and wounds. The gentle aspect aims to help you treat
yourself more kindly, exploring the sensual, the tender, and contact without
“practical goals.”
●​ Engage in some form of “work,” “therapy,” or physical activity. A better alternative to
sports is an Eastern discipline (yoga, kung fu, tai chi, aikido), emphasizing breath
control and internal awareness.
●​ Create spaces for spontaneous movement: authentic movement, dance therapy,
dances; drawing (e.g., Anna Halprin); and recovery breaks, such as Gerda Boyesen’s
winning moves (minimal movements), where awareness is created regarding the
need for passivity in recovery.
●​ Explore slow movements for the entire body and its parts through yoga,
Feldenkrais, and eutonia.
●​ Experiment with involuntary movements, vibration, and pulsation through
approaches like vegetotherapy (Reich), bioenergetics (Lowen), energetic core
(Pierrakos), and biodynamics (Boyesen).
●​ Integrate breathwork, including invigorating practices (bio and energetic core),
attention and exploration techniques like experiential breath (Ilse Middendorf),
breathmoves by Juerg Roeffler (spontaneous movement from the breath), and
various forms of yoga and meditation.
●​ Activate the parasympathetic nervous system (reduce sympathetic activation). Work
more towards balancing the two systems.

A Biography

by Elia Gerardi

You're right! Let me fix the paragraph structure and make it more readable:

I entered this world with a brother; we are twins, but we don’t look alike. My brother was
the first to arrive, and I stayed longer in our mother’s womb. Back then, in a small town in
southern Italy, where home births were the norm, the expectation of twins wasn’t
anticipated. I came as a surprise to my parents. The lack of awareness about our existence,
right from the moment of conception, created a sense of lost identity. We were two,
perceived as one. That’s why, deep inside me, I’ve always thought the unwanted child was
me. I believe this played a role in the formation of my character, always in search of visibility
and recognition.

I was baptized and named Elia, after my paternal grandfather. My family called me “Elio.”
I’m not entirely sure why I didn’t go by my given name (perhaps as a way to identify and
differentiate myself from my grandfather, who was a controversial figure due to his
divergence from traditional family models).

I was a model child—well-behaved, obedient, diligent, and studious, in contrast to my twin

brother, who was instinctive and rebellious. I sacrificed whims and the joys of childhood to
mature quickly, a price I had to pay to get the attention of adults. However, this sacrifice
made me a sad and lonely child. From my early school years, I was a good student.
Whether due to my adaptable nature or my academic results, I became the vessel for my
parents’ social and cultural expectations (hence my precocious assumption of many
responsibilities). Several childhood episodes help explain the sense of responsibility that
defined me.

The first incident involves my brother. We were three or four years old, still living in the
small town. One afternoon, an aunt of ours decided to take us for a ride and had us sit in the
car while she chatted outside. While waiting, we started playing, and I, oblivious to the risk,
released the handbrake. The car was parked on a downhill street and began to roll, picking
up speed. When our aunt realized what was happening, she desperately clung to the car in
an attempt to stop it. The car passed through an intersection, halted against the wall of a
house, and rebounded into our aunt, hitting her in the process. My brother and I were
miraculously unharmed in the accident. My aunt, on the other hand, suffered various
traumas and spent several months in the hospital. I was strongly reprimanded by relatives,
but I don’t recall my parents defending me. My response was to shut myself away in
silence, without showing anything; I was consumed by guilt, feeling entirely responsible for
our aunt’s condition and everything that had happened. The discomfort manifested days
later with a severe fever (a consequence, I imagine, of the disgust I felt). I think this episode
heightened, even more, my childhood need and obligation to abandon play and exert
greater control over my actions. Play had a rather marginal role in my childhood in the first
place due to the strict educational regime enforced by my grandmother (the true matriarch
of the household). Her rules, which were not to be violated, left no room for fun or
amusements. I remember only one birthday party, at a cousin’s house when I was seven or
eight years old; I was so thrilled that I long considered it the most beautiful day of my life.

My sense of responsibility grew even more with the arrival of my younger brother, marked
by two distinct episodes. The first was when my brother, around four or five years old at the
time, vanished while we were playing in the street, only to reappear hours later. The
second incident occurred during a children’s game where we playfully put a rope around his
neck to simulate an execution. Although I wasn’t directly responsible in both cases, I felt
equally guilty for not protecting him. I believe my early development of a protective instinct,
both for others and myself, stemmed from a loss of trust in adults. In another episode, while
driving with my family, my father, who was at the wheel, noticed the brakes weren’t
responding. We were already close to home, but those few meters were downhill. My
mother was terrified, and I vividly recall my own panic. Although we could have gotten out
of the car since it was still on level ground, my father decided to slowly continue. The
feelings of fear and lack of protection from that moment are still present in me. The minor
accident that resulted from my father’s decision further solidified this perception. Even
today, my dreams often feature downhill slopes, ravines, precipices, and all kinds of
vehicles. Obviously, I loved my parents very much, although I was aware of a certain
emotional distance. Due to my father’s mindset, he wasn’t actively involved in caring for us;
the responsibility fell entirely on my mother. She, in turn, did her best to maintain a positive
image in front of her mother-in-law, who lived with us. My mother often complained to me
about the discomfort caused by my grandmother’s mistreatment, about not feeling at home,
and about the workload she had to shoulder. Ironically, when in the eighties an earthquake
destroyed our homes and the possibility of relocating to the North emerged, I harbored
hope that if we changed houses, I would finally get that love I so desired.

I remember that, at that time, I was a very restless child, immersed in my studies. Unable to
express my distress with words, I often fell ill. My health was delicate, with my weak point
being my throat. I think this is how my coping mechanism began, my way of dealing with
discomfort. Struggling to express needs directly, I delegated the task of obtaining attention
and affection to illness. Even a simple cold would render me unwell: I’d spend entire days in
bed with tonsillitis, and that ensured me care and visibility. Eventually, I had my tonsils
removed, and during my hospitalization, my mother moved with me to the hospital. It was
one of the rare occasions when I had her all to myself!

It was during this period that my paternal grandfather, Elia, passed away. It was the first
bereavement of my life. Despite living with my grandfather for many years, my memories of
him are scarce. He had been relegated to a marginal role in the family, always alone,
engrossed in magazines, newspapers, and books, or on walks that lasted for hours on end.
My grandmother, his wife, implicitly prevented us from interacting with him. There were
rumors that my grandfather used to rummage through garbage cans. I was both curious
and fascinated by him, but it also frightened me. When Grandpa Elia died, I had a dream
that haunted me for a long time, something I initially mistook for a real event:

On the night of the funeral, during dinner, I realize that my father is missing. I decide to go
look for him at the cemetery. To get there, you have to walk along a dark and isolated road.
I see myself walking, eventually reaching the cemetery. Everything is enveloped in
darkness. As I approach, I see a shadow drawing near. I’m afraid, even though I think it
might be my father. I don’t know where I find the courage to go ahead instead of fleeing.
When I get closer, I realize that it’s not my father but a boy who lives nearby. He asks me
what I am doing there and how it is possible that my parents allowed me to venture alone
to the cemetery at night. He takes me by the hand and leads me home. I feel his warm
presence, and he’s comfortingly affectionate with me.

It took me a while to understand the meaning of the dream. It wasn’t until after my father’s
passing and my encounter with Claudio Naranjo, with whom I began my personal journey. I
think I foresaw what would happen to me much later when, following my father’s illness, I
became ill myself. In a sort of vicious circle, the men in my family, over several generations,
incapable of fostering healthy connections in life, united through death. I was part of that
cycle. Only the compassionate intervention of a man from the cemetery, to whom I felt a
close connection, led me “home” to bring about the real change in my life. I have no doubt
that this compassionate man was Claudio. After my grandfather Elia’s death, I completely
forgot about him. The family didn’t uphold his memory, causing me to lose his traces in my
recollections. Thirty years later, shortly before embarking on therapeutic work with Claudio,
while I was writing a segment of my biography, particularly about my family, I recovered the
memories of my grandfather and the deep connection with him. In a therapy session,
through a night dream, I experienced an intense bond with him, like the fruit of a journey to
the underworld. This was the journey:

I find myself on the banks of a river. There’s a dragon-headed serpent that devours the
souls of those who try to cross it. Strangely, I don’t feel any danger and I summon the
courage to proceed.

The journey takes me through the Earth’s interior, traversing caverns and tunnels inhabited
by animals. With wings given to me by a butterfly, I reach a pool. As I emerge from the
water, I glimpse a round, hairless face and recognize my grandfather, who physically looks
like a panda bear, and walks like a penguin.

During this encounter with my grandfather, I revert back to my childhood self; I’m eight
years old again, the age I was when he died. I’m very happy to see him, and I eagerly
approach to hug and kiss him. He welcomes me and plays with me; there’s a lot of love in
our [Link] a certain point, I realize that he has a dagger lodged in his back.

A wave of despair washes over me, and I sense something dark; an insight. I cry out, “What
have they done to you?” I comprehend that my grandfather had been metaphorically killed
by the loneliness imposed by the family, the shame felt by the relatives, and the coldness,
lack of understanding, and the little love he received. It was the contempt he had received
that kept him prisoner in that place and in that body that didn’t belong to him, a body
preventing him from freeing himself from the piercing weapon. He carried that burden
without complaining.
On impulse, I climb onto his back to extract the dagger, but the strength of a child is not
enough to free him. However, my motivation is very strong, and despite the task surpassing
my capabilities, I somehow muster new resources and begin removing the object from his
body.

When I finally remove it completely, Grandpa, like a deflating balloon, loses the animal
aspect and regains his human form. He approaches me, and his face radiates an
indescribable happiness—a true sense of liberation. He greets me, hugs me, puts on the
butterfly wings I was wearing, and flies away. Throughout our encounter, my grandfather
does not use words but conveys his love to me solely through his heart.

During his ascent, he throws rose petals at me. Although he doesn’t tell me, I know that I
must eat them. And so, our meeting concludes as I nourish myself with the petals he
offered.

This dream holds significant meaning for me because, with the liberation of my grandfather,
whom I have clearly identified with, I initiated a personal liberation—returning to my natural
state and shedding the burdens that had weighed heavily and painfully on me, preventing
me from being myself.

Following my grandfather’s death, I had to share a bed with my grandmother, stepping into
the space he had left behind. The implicit message was clear—I was to take his place. With
my grandmother, Angela, I had a conflicting love-hate relationship. On one hand, I loved her
for her magical and wise qualities. She was a healer who used her hands to mend bones
and received people that even doctors would send her way.

On the flip side, I hated her rigidity regarding play and fun. I also disliked her authoritarian
demeanor, which I considered the cause of my mother’s suffering and her lack of attention
toward me. And she had a dark side that frightened me. She used to tell me the story of the
owl and its song. According to her, every time the owl was heard singing, it was an omen of
death, as it had come to take the soul of the person in the house where it landed. The owl
served as both a messenger and a companion to the afterlife. Many years later, I dreamt of
my grandmother lying beside me in bed, her face that of an owl.

And then came the year of the massive earthquake. It was devastating and claimed many
victims. At first, I felt a sense of calm, not fully grasping the gravity of the situation. But
things quickly became more and more difficult. Regular washing became a luxury, no
bathroom was available, preparing meals became a struggle, and the cold set in.

The first tents arrived to provide shelter for those who, like us, had lost their homes.
Although our house hadn’t completely collapsed, it was riddled with cracks, and the
constant aftershocks prevented us from entering. After a few days, we moved in with an
uncle in Modena. I transitioned from a familiar reality to an entirely new city and
environment overnight. For almost a year, the seven of us shared the first floor of my
uncle’s small house. We had one room, a kitchen, and a bathroom.

Everything was new—the school, classmates, city, culture, dialect, and customs. It wasn’t
easy, but I recall it as a period where I received a lot of support, both at school and at home.
I finally felt my mother’s closeness, including physical closeness. That change bewildered
me; unlike the usual pattern in my life, I received affection and attention unconditionally.

I think these events have left a certain imprint on my life, as if I internalized that only in the
face of dramatic and catastrophic events could I receive the loving attention I desired.

That year, I was a junior in high school. I adapted easily, and thanks to my ability to adjust, I
quickly became a good student. At the end of the school year, we returned to our village,
initially settling in a container and then in a prefabricated house. I managed to assert
myself: I requested not to sleep with my grandmother, and I succeeded. Family life resumed
its usual mechanisms, which I had only briefly abandoned.

I started isolating myself, attended church, served as an altar boy, and felt very lonely and
sad. Although I excelled at school, I lacked emotional nourishment. Although the home
atmosphere improved somewhat, my father’s absence was still noticeable. During our time
in Modena, he didn’t join us, and upon our return, he went back to his usual behavior.

When I returned to school in my village, I was ahead of my classmates, likely due to the
lack of continuity in lessons while they were restoring village buildings. I can’t say if there’s
a connection, but my classmates began to exclude me. In response, I turned my anxiety to
food. I accumulated several kilos, and the feeling of exclusion was compounded by
embarrassment about my physical appearance.

Midway through high school, we permanently moved to the North with the whole family.
Unlike my siblings, I was excited about the move; I thought the family would finally be
reunited! My father spent more time with us, mainly because he had no other alternatives,
but the quality of our time together was still lacking. The city I found wasn’t as welcoming
as I remembered; it felt more hostile. Being southerners remained a reason for
discrimination.

A very depressing period of my life began. I felt inadequate, inferior, outraged, and hurt. To
cope, I decided to “deny myself” and fully adapt to the new environment. It seemed to me
that there was no other option. Thus, within a few months, I completely changed my dialect
and wove a web of lies; I was no longer Southern but Modenese to all intents and
purposes.
When pursuing my scientific baccalaureate, all my classmates were well-off, so I fabricated
a story that my father owned the company where we lived. Obviously, to keep the secret, I
couldn’t allow my friends to meet my parents or siblings, let alone come to my house.

I led two parallel lives: a private one at home and a public one at school and with friends,
where I wore the mask. I was deeply ashamed of my parents because of their occupations. I
had set out on a quest for a better life but, paradoxically, I found myself ensnared in a web
of lies and shame that greatly diminished its quality.

Despite my intense dedication to school, where once studies were a means to secure my
parents’ approval and love, now that I had in a way disowned them, they were also losing
importance. It felt like everything was going backwards, and moments of solace came only
when, returning to the small town, I could temporarily take a break from my lies.

Even my name added to the confusion: in my family, where I didn’t need to lie, I was known
as Elio, but when I wore the mask, among friends, it was Elia, my given name. I think this
identity turmoil allowed me to assume so many personalities. Sometimes, I genuinely
believed in these facades, yet deep down, I knew perfectly well that I was a mere imitation
of myself.

At that time, my twin brother was very popular with his friends and girls, either because of
his looks or his interpersonal skills. I decided to follow his example: I started a diet to look
like him. Once again, I felt the need to conform. Confident in my newfound physical appeal, I
started taking an interest in women. In Modena, I struggled to form romantic connections,
but I did when I returned to my hometown.

Having a romantic relationship in Modena meant jeopardizing my intricate web of lies and
my mask. I harbored feelings of inferiority, as if I wasn’t up to the task. In women, I looked
for a semblance of my mother’s love. It was easier to find this in southern girls because they
were more similar to her in terms of culture and mentality. The constant in my relationships
with women was the ability to make them fall in love without engaging in intimate
relations—neither sexual nor, most importantly, emotional. What mattered to me was that
everyone thought I could have as many women as I wanted; it was essential to maintain my
credibility and image.

When I started university in Modena, I also began to go out with the local girls. I
experienced the intense phase of falling in love and getting close; however, I often cut these
relationships short to prevent them from getting to know my family, which I hid from my
friends.

I had only two significant romantic relationships in my life. The first one was with a girl with
whom, for the first time, I managed to establish a more honest connection. Unfortunately, I
never recognized the value of this relationship and did nothing to sustain it, unfairly placing
the responsibility on her shoulders.

The breakup was agonizing, mainly because I felt the sting of rejection; I probably suffered
more from the loss of the image we projected than from the loss of the person herself.
Following this, I entered a relationship with the woman who would later become my wife,
pouring into her the pain, anger, and frustration from the previous breakup.

I took advantage of the fact that Antonella was in love with me; I sought her out whenever I
pleased and left her when I grew tired, fully aware that I could find her at my disposal
whenever I wanted. I kept telling her that ours wasn’t a true relationship, and that this
justified my involvement with other women, even though I knew her feelings for me were
not short-lived. This behavior persisted for many years. In her place, anyone else would not
have endured it. Nevertheless, she stayed and waited for me, despite the numerous reasons
I gave her to leave me.

Things went on like this for quite some time, even after our relationship had already
stabilized. Then, she presented me with a choice. I agreed to get married, even though I had
my reservations. Deep down, I was afraid that an eventual separation would force me to
introspect, to confront my demons and my loneliness, and then I’d certainly have to meet
new women and make new connections.

Nonetheless, our wedding day was one of the most beautiful days of my life; I knew it was
a very good thing for me. After getting married, I felt that I had sincerely fallen in love with
my wife. Then, another phase of my life began: just as I started to truly love her, I brought
her the immense pain of my illness.

At university (I enrolled in the Faculty of Engineering), I managed to boost my self-esteem

(albeit it was false, as it relied on the positive opinions others had of me). I went to live and
study in Milan for a year. I left home with a sense of relief. Once again, I sought solace
elsewhere, unable to find it within myself.

When I returned to Modena, I painted a misleading picture of my stay in Milan to my

friends, depicting it as a period of parties, fun, and excess, which was far from the truth. In
reality, I just remember it as a time of deep loneliness and sadness. I started socializing with
new friends, and, for the umpteenth time, I invented yet another fabricated story, projecting
an image that was entirely contrary to reality. I utilized my best resources to fuel my
neurosis. In order to prove that I was capable and wealthy, I learned to carefully manage my
finances, demonstrating their availability. At the same time, I strategically approached my
studies.
I began doing everything in my power to achieve good results with minimal effort, and that
significantly inflated my ego. The driving forces behind my actions were challenge and
competition, earning me a reputation for being super smart. Unfortunately, I didn’t use that
ability to expedite my progress. In fact, knowing that I could pass exams with minimal
preparation meant that I took long breaks between them.

Throughout those years, I carefully maintained a separation between family, friends, and
college. These worlds collided for the first time on my graduation day, an occasion I
dreaded because of my image anxiety. In reality, no one seemed to care about my family or
all the lies I had told. Or perhaps many had already discerned the truth, and I was the only
one convinced that I was in control of everything. I distinctly remember my great shock at
seeing my father’s tears on the day I graduated as an engineer, as if, in that moment, I had
rescued him from his humble and simple life. Witnessing his emotions opened my heart,
and for the first time, I felt genuinely loved. I felt that my father was finally proud of me.

I got married on December 8, 2003. The months that followed were filled with happiness; I
was content with both my personal and professional life. I had recently started working as
an engineer at Ferrari, a renowned car company. During that year, we treated ourselves to a
few trips and some extra expenses that felt like a luxury. However, the idyll lasted only a
few months: life had a bitter pill in store for me. In October 2004, my father was diagnosed
with a stomach tumor. He immediately underwent surgery, but it became clear that the
situation was grave. I took care of my father during his hospitalization and the subsequent
palliative treatment. It broke my heart to see his resignation; he completely stopped
fighting. It was as if nothing in the world could give him the strength to carry on.

The thought of losing him was unbearable. That period was excruciating; I would work all
day long, and then go visit him full of anxiety. I would come home exhausted and fall
asleep on the couch, without sharing anything with my wife. This drained energy from our
relationship, as I needed to save all my strength to support my father. My family’s usual
approach has always been to keep quiet about the truth. With my father, we also
pretended that everything was fine, that he wasn’t in any real danger. It was necessary to
maintain a calm and composed demeanor around him.

In May 2005, I also fell ill, receiving the same diagnosis but in a different place: my mouth. It
felt like life was punishing me by affecting the very part I had misused, using it only to lie.
Unlike the situation with my father, I chose to lay everything bare to my family, without
omitting anything. That day remains engraved in my memory: we were in the living room of
my parents’ house, my father lying on his bed. I well remember the reaction of each of
them: the frozen stillness of my siblings, who seemed petrified; the sheer desperation of my
mother; and my father, who, upon hearing my words, stopped looking at me to stare at the
wall. His reaction hurt me deeply; I expected more empathy, affection, and some supportive
words. Over time, I reinterpreted it: I understood his despair, his silent cry.

It seemed that fate hadn’t granted us the opportunity to feel united in life, but gave us that
chance in the face of death. My own trial began: hospitals, surgeries, therapies, chemo,
radiation. I felt like a leaf being blown by the wind, subject to the decisions of doctors,
devoid of any will. Paradoxically, during this time, my father began to feel better. The
metastases had diminished, and they hinted at the possibility of suspending the therapy.

The illness forced me to pause and reassess my life. I knew I needed to change, but I was
clueless about where to start or what direction to take; I needed help. I then clung, albeit
skeptically, to the path of self-discovery that my wife had embarked on, which was light
years away from my rational mentality. I participated in the SAT I program, where I
confronted my childhood sufferings and realized that my deceit was driven by the search for
love. I even entertained an interpretation of my illness: I fell ill like my father, in the delirious
belief of omnipotence, attempting to save him and, with this final gesture, secure his
unconditional love. When I explored this theme, I understood the absurdity of my mindset,
and the need to alone be responsible for my life.

As SAT I concluded, I experienced a sense of physical and inner healing. Working on

forgiveness opened me to a newfound compassion for both myself and my father that I had
never experienced before. I returned home just in time to see him in his final moments,
when he was already nearing death. I spent those last hours with him, holding his hand,
overwhelmed with a sense of reconciliation and forgiveness. It felt like I could let him go
without any unfinished business.

After that initial period of good fortune, my character made its presence felt in quite an
overbearing manner. Despite not being entirely convinced, I chose to proceed with the SAT,
this time in Brazil. However, a medical check-up prior to the trip revealed a recurrence, and I
could not go. The reappearance of the disease plunged me into a state of utter confusion. I
had been sure that I was on the right path, that I had interrupted the unhealthy dynamic. All
of this shook my confidence in the therapeutic process. My rational and controlling mind
had led me to believe that the path of self-knowledge could save me, like an antidote for
poison. It was undoubtedly a far cry from the true meaning of an inner journey.

From that moment on, I began a process that could hardly be described as anything but
torture: lengthy hospitalizations, with my mouth rendered incapable of speaking or eating. I
became a prisoner of total silence. To be on the safe side, the doctors performed a
procedure they called “preventive,” even excessive, which was supposed to provide me with
more guarantees—they removed a good chunk of my jaw. I was immobilized in bed for
many days, and I got sores all over my body.
Entire sleepless nights were plagued by harrowing thoughts. I remember one vision in
particular that couldn’t have been a dream: a field after a battle, figures—half spirits and
half humans—struggling not to be swallowed by the earth. It felt like witnessing the
suffering of the transition to death, a prelude to the fate awaiting me. I also saw my father
lying in a grave, looking at the scene with an expression of profound sorrow. Only later did
the subtle meaning of what I had seen become clear: those figures weren’t fighting to avoid
being swallowed by the earth; it was a ruse to avoid admitting that I was witnessing myself
at the moment of transition. My father looked sad and helpless because he saw that I was
dying.

When I was discharged, I had a nasogastric feeding tube, with no prospects of ever
returning to normal. On second thought, I think the doctors discharged me so I could spend
my remaining days at home. My wife, however, made the decision to transfer me to another
hospital. This was followed by a period of physical pain that plunged me into genuine inner
despair; I wished for death as an escape.

After five months of utter isolation and mutism, I attended SAT II with great shame for the
state I was in—disabled, deformed, and unable to express myself. It was very important for
me to return to a community of people, to feel accepted, loved, and to overcome the shame
that my appearance caused me. I was seized by a new feeling of tenderness and
compassion for my body, with all its disfigured and hurting parts.

At that moment, a new phase began: I felt like living again. Through Claudio, I regained
feelings of love, peace, a sense of opportunity, and hope. Although readjusting to daily life
wasn’t easy, something significant had changed: there was in me a newfound inner impulse.
I learned how to eat again, progressing through stages like a child: from liquid foods to
purées to solid foods. I also relearned how to speak, letter by letter, word by word. It was
like being born again.

This whole experience led me to a different way of living, forcing me to reassess my

priorities. I found the joy of existence in ordinary, simple things, like eating slowly and
savoring the food, listening, and observing. I continued my journey of self-discovery with
more and more confidence in the process and in Claudio. I participated in the SAT in Brazil,
which turned out to be a liberating experience of catharsis and reclamation of my instinctive
self. And not only that, I felt total surrender. Surrender, for me, meant relinquishing
obsessive control over my actions, trusting others, their ideas, and intuition. On a physical
level, I realized how I had stifled my most alive part—the instinct—subordinating it to a
rational mind that prioritized others’ needs over mine, thus severing contact with myself. My
body came back to life.

Much has changed since then, not only externally but, more importantly, inside me. Initially,
the magical atmosphere, abundant energy, and numerous intimate connections I finally
managed to establish with my fellow travelers made me feel somewhat out of sync.
Naively, I intended to live forever in that state, believing that a life lived instinctively would
allow it, simultaneously ensuring a path to healing. However, I was actually neglecting the
deeper work on myself.

I had probably grown too attached to the intense emotions experienced during the SATs.
Eventually, I realized how I perceived even normal contact with feelings as something
extraordinary; such was the distance from my emotional world and my inability to recognize
my inner state.

I have considered, and still consider, my inner path and growth as absolutely necessary and
indispensable. I never missed appointments where I could examine my authentic feelings
and enjoy Claudio’s presence and energy. Those were pivotal years, though only recently
have I acknowledged my difficulties and the “neurotic” effort. I was very drawn to the idea
of personal growth and recognized the importance of the path, but for a long time, I
deceived myself, attempting to prove my worthiness among my companions and trying to
live up to it.

In my eagerness to meet these internal demands, I felt the need to prove something in any
case, such as deep insights or miraculous experiences, entering a vortex of self-demand
that prevented me from truly enjoying the SAT and working honestly on myself. Once
again, my motivation stemmed from the need to show the results of my efforts and do what
I could to make them evident. Deep inside, I felt that without public recognition, the fruit of
my work didn’t exist.

It has been, and still is, difficult for me to recognize self-deception. In a character like mine,
the process of self-knowledge leads to a state of disorientation by revealing the myriad
masks we’ve constructed for ourselves. As these false faces begin to fall, it inevitably leads
to questioning who we really are. Through the SATs, I discovered a less flashy approach to
personal work that went hand in hand with a genuine interest in self-awareness. The more
honestly I looked within myself, the less urgency I felt to manifest it externally. Trusting my
feelings was a very long process because I always had to be mindful of my true desires, in
order not to succumb to the self-deception mechanisms. My inner struggles to be
something I’m not and present myself in a better light play a nuanced role, the nature of
which is increasingly complex and sometimes very difficult to unveil.

I’m an electronic engineer, and it has been my profession for many years. My illness led me
to neglect my career. At first, I thought that my work was the cause of my illness due to the
excessive workload and numerous responsibilities. I searched in vain for rational
explanations for its occurrence and even potential remedies (once again, my
“problem-solving” character followed a systematic problem-solution approach). I had to
take an extended vacation.
Because of rehabilitation, I worked reduced hours for several years, exploiting the
opportunity to use convalescence as an excuse for my performance. The truth was that I
had lost interest in my job, deriving only financial satisfaction, and downplaying my
responsibilities due to my health. Ironically, the illness brought unexpected advantages. It’s
not easy to admit to manipulation, even in extreme circumstances. However,
acknowledging it helped me identify areas of my life where I needed to redirect or
withdraw my energy.

Regarding my family of origin, the illness allowed me to relinquish the role of being the
perpetual “problem-solver.” I had always been the emotional prop, the go-to person for
advice. Although this self-assigned role, difficult to maintain, granted me a sense of
belonging and visibility, with the disease, I could finally redirect my attention to myself, rest,
and feel less burdened. Truth be told, I neither had the time nor the desire to uphold it. The
recovery, like I said, lasted a very long time, particularly concerning speech and eating.

On the flip side, I felt entitled to receive support from those around me, especially from my
wife, from whom I expected attention, dedication, and first place on her list of priorities. I
can’t say that this expectation was unmet. I did recognize that my demand was partly
rooted in a longing for maternal love. I had suffered due to the lack of attention, care, and
unconditional affection from my mother, and now I was seeking some form of compensation
by taking advantage of my situation.

The illness enabled me to completely abandon all my responsibilities—toward myself and

others. I no longer attended to family matters, my wife, my work, and the day-to-day
finances. It was a long period of inactivity for me. After devoting a considerable part of my
life trying to guarantee my own well-being and the safety of my loved ones, shouldering
collective responsibilities, and always being at the forefront of problem-solving, a single
traumatic event caused this carefully constructed way of life to crumble like a house of
cards.

The multiple damaging and ruinous surgeries left me disfigured, threatening my apparent
sense of security and my sociability. It became necessary for me to rely on something other
than my looks. I felt that my body had betrayed me.

For this reason, the journey of self-discovery became crucial. Initially, my motivation was to
find a path to physical recovery. Alongside this, there was a less obvious and insidious
motivation, which deceived me at times: not having an attractive appearance to rely on
when facing the world created the need to turn inward. It would seem justified, were it not
for the fact that I used the depth of inner experience as a substitute for external
appearance. It was practically like saying: “I can no longer count on my exterior in the world,
so I compensate by showcasing my interiority.”
Although I was genuinely passionate about this inner journey, its strategic use made the
process of self-discovery largely insincere. Obviously, I wasn’t aware of it. On the other
hand, I had a pressing need for self-comfort. The pain and humiliation of not recognizing
myself in my own face became so overwhelming that finding something beautiful to
showcase and present myself became an urgent requirement. I was too afraid of myself,
and of who I had become.

Behind the deception, manipulation, and strategic use of myself hid the great despair of
someone who felt he had no shot at ever being loved. I genuinely believed there was
nothing about me that could make me lovable, and the fear of this becoming evident was so
intense that the only way seemed to be inventing it or, better yet, marketing myself as a
product for sale. Only when, through the work on my character traits, I began to feel a bit of
love for myself did this mechanism become clear.

Recognizing the anger within me also took quite a while. I was good at hiding it, denying it,
and channeling it in other ways, especially the lingering childish anger I harbored toward
my family. It felt like I couldn’t afford to express it; I saw it as an act of betrayal against
them. In fact, I was raised with the ethos of self-sacrifice.

My parents moved to the North due to an earthquake, a change that was particularly
difficult and painful for my father. He never failed to emphasize that everything he did was
for the sake of his children. For that reason, I’ve always felt indebted to him and my mother.
There was an implicit demand – I had to repay that debt. After graduating, as soon as I
started working, it became customary for me to give my salary to my parents and invest it
in building the small house they desired so much.

At the time, I had already been engaged for years to my current wife. Instead of making a
life of my own, I was financially supporting the family’s endeavors. Naturally, conflicts arose
with my girlfriend, but back then, it was entirely normal to me: I was the model son who
took care of his parents.

I failed to see something subtle, which only later revealed itself to me in all its complexity: it
was a sort of family mandate, a responsibility I assumed, which could be translated as a
warning not to abandon them. My parents, constantly emphasizing the support they
provided their children, requested that we not leave them alone. Their struggle to integrate
into the new community also stemmed from their inability to sever ties with their roots: the
village, the customs, the dialect – all those elements that guaranteed their identity and
survival. They never really assimilated into the place they had moved to.

It wasn’t just about cultural traditions; it might have been a way to preserve the family
system. Just as they hadn’t distanced themselves from their established system, the same
was expected of me. In fact, I had already broken that rule the previous years when, in an
effort to assimilate, I quickly lost the accent that could make me stand out as a non-native.
It was likely a basic way of signaling a desire to create some distance. I was the only one of
my siblings who consistently made efforts to integrate. I was, for example, the only one
who pursued further education, obtained a university degree, and had friends from a social
and economic background far removed from mine.

I suppose that at that time, I wanted to be perceived differently in my social circles, which
brought me closer to other worlds, different mentalities, and into a more intellectually
stimulating environment.

Looking back at it, it’s clear that two conflicting aspects coexisted within me then: one
eager to break free, assert myself through my commitments, and seek rescue; the other,
staunchly loyal to the family. I was trying to maintain balance between these two
diametrically opposing emotions that demanded distinct sets of behavior.

There were two aspects, much like everything about me was twofold: being a twin, having
two names. It’s as if everything led me toward a split that left me lost in a labyrinth of
identities. If, on the one hand, my family had given me the opportunity for emancipation
through my studies and move to the North, on the other hand, I felt they were asking me
not to use it. It was a sort of double message: “Go, but don’t go; rescue us from our
background, but don’t actually do it.”

I also felt anger because I found myself in this situation in the first place, and because of my
fear of taking a stand. It was an unspoken and restrained anger; I felt it could push me to
lose control completely, and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. There was also a
twinge of envy in it. Reflecting on it, I realized it was directed towards those who precisely
know what they feel, what they want; those who can express themselves, irrespective of
the quality of the emotions, whether positive or negative. Towards those who, essentially,
maintain a direct connection, a coherence between the “inside” and the “outside.” I wanted
to be like that, but to achieve it, I first had to reassess my defense mechanism of denial,
which manifests itself through actions and thoughts that make me justify my circumstances.

Whenever an inner discomfort arises that could turn into anger, I begin a mental process
where I try to rationalize whatever caused it. This helps alleviate the negative feeling,
establish empathy with the person or situation causing me discomfort, disconnect from
myself, and successfully suppress the rage to keep it inside. This self-restraint doesn’t only
involve anger but also many other facets of my emotions. It’s as if an insurmountable barrier
exists between the "inside" and the "outside." I gained insight into this through my dreams.

I’ve always been a "dreamer," in the sense that my dreams are rich in detail, unfolding into
long, complete stories. For me, dreams serve as a pathway to delve into my inner self and
explore the depths of my unconscious. I think such intense nocturnal activities could
correspond to daytime constraints. Living a life within the limits of what is controllable,
conforming to external expectations, implies suppressing internal dynamics and, most
importantly, blocking their expression. By preventing anything from coming to light in my
daily life, I believe I used dreams as a space where feelings and emotions left unexpressed
could converge.

I think this parallel is possible because, as my journey of self-discovery progressed and I

allowed my hidden side to emerge in my consciousness, the nature of my dreams
changed—the integrated contents began to disappear.

Becoming aware of the unpleasant and painful aspects within me has heightened my
self-awareness, fostering a state of inner alertness. My character is naturally active, inclined
towards productivity, always in motion. Change was not, as I believed for the longest time,
about embracing inactivity, but rather about acting based on my own feelings and desires.
My compulsion to constantly do was certainly an obstacle, but it’s the lack of awareness of
my feelings that has contributed the most. The disconnection from myself has been so
profound that it’s prevented me from acknowledging this fact.

Now, I strive to be true and authentic in what I do. In the past, my actions aimed to grab
attention and secure recognition, stemming from my deep-seated insecurities and low
self-esteem. I relied on others' gazes to validate my existence. The transformation led to
actions reflecting a less demanding, less outwardly focused state. My actions now simply
aim to express what I feel inside.

As I gained more confidence, self-esteem, and, most importantly, self-love, I found myself
less pressured to put on a theatrical show. Eventually, I reached a point where I could take a
break without discomfort or difficulty. The freedom from this pressing need to stay busy, as
if I had switched off a self-confusion mechanism, and the newfound ability to pause, made
me realize I had a center, a support I could lean into.

This internal process—being honest with myself, acknowledging my shadow and limits,
practicing non-judgmental behaviors, making room for acceptance and understanding—not
only brought me greater peace but also connected me with a luminous and authentic part
of myself.

Being honest with myself has proven difficult. My natural inclination to adapt often led me
to live without questioning what I liked, what interested me, or what I truly wanted.
Adaptation served the purpose of integration and acceptance by others. The very thought
of asserting my uniqueness terrified me, whether due to the responsibility involved or the
fear of conflict. Now, I’m finding the courage to say no to things I don’t want, whether it’s a
situation, behavior, or person.
It’s as if I failed to internalize in my childhood that I could be entitled to my own opinions,
ideas, behaviors, and feelings that differ from those of others. Despite seeming obvious
now, it wasn’t so in the past; only after discovering my inner world did I access some form
of identity. I believe this is the essence of the lengthy process of separating from my twin
brother—not just in a physical sense, but from the "other" I thought was myself.

As a result, I’ve become more open to conflict and, more importantly, able to engage in it
(something unimaginable for my character until recently). I wouldn’t have known how to
voice my disagreement if I hadn’t first acknowledged that I am someone who matters, that I
have a mind of my own, the right to express myself, and that I am a distinct individual.

Since connecting with my feelings and thoughts, I’ve become capable of expressing,
defending, and reasoning them. In moments of conflict, particularly at work, I learned that
it’s okay not to avoid it; conflict is a form of interaction where I can be fully present. It’s been
quite a revelation, and I don’t rule out the possibility that it could turn into a form of
liberation.

The fear of conflict wasn’t just about losing the other person; it was mainly about the fear
of not having enough substance to handle it. It’s like I wasn’t "whole," and the uncertainty
was apparent not only to me but also to them. It felt as though the other, with whom I
couldn’t establish a genuine relationship for many years, didn’t even hold enough
significance to justify the fear of loss. I think the key was self-defense, avoiding risks.
Adaptation proved more practical for my survival.

I’ve often opted for a comfortable, albeit mediocre, life rather than taking risks—risk, in the
sense of truly challenging myself. This has presented many obstacles to personal,
professional, and spiritual growth.

Only after embarking on the journey of self-discovery, guided by trust in the SAT program
and Claudio, have I been able to gradually dismantle my most false aspects.

Rational thinking dominated my life. I never believed in anything that was not pragmatic or
grounded in empirical evidence. Spirituality, to me, was nothing but a ritual tied to the
Catholic model and felt profoundly childish. Illness, marking a significant shift in my
lifestyle, has played a crucial role. Falling ill and confronting the possibility of dying
inevitably prompted me to ponder life’s bigger questions: does an afterlife exist, what is it,
and where would I go? At the beginning of my path of self-discovery, I encountered
moments I’d only describe as magical for their intensity and insight. I also know that I fed
them with narcissism and fantasies. However, I now understand that doesn’t detract from
the fact that the seed of the search was already present within me, albeit in a raw form. I
couldn’t bear, let alone imagine, what it meant to search inside myself. Masks had filled
every void and anything I found without a name. Now, with compassion, I see there was no
other way; I had to go through it to leave it behind.

The illness, initially perceived by me as punishment or injustice, ultimately had the merit of
nudging me toward self-discovery and allowing me to shift from a narrow, self-referential
mindset to a broader perspective. Life has thrown surprises, opportunities, failures, and ups
and downs my way, almost as if it had orchestrated everything, and while I couldn’t grasp
the real reason or objective, it insisted on me experiencing all of them.

My desire to adopt a new lifestyle was reinforced: I wanted to live with joy. The comparison
with food holds a special meaning for me. Learning to eat again after such a long time
meant rediscovering the pleasure in food—chewing, savoring, relishing, truly tasting it. In
the same way, I feel that I am redefining how I live my life (which I don’t take for granted at
all!).

The most valuable gift Claudio bestowed upon me through his approach to self-discovery
has been teaching me to connect with myself.

Celebrating life, embracing gratitude, self-reflection, staying present, and cherishing each
moment are the cornerstones that make my days authentic.

To conclude my biography, I’d like to share a metaphor that I like very much and that well
describes the transformation I underwent. I’ve spent most of my life resembling a planet
that reflects the light of others—too preoccupied with my own emptiness, I was forced to
steal that light from those around me. Now I know that, just like everyone else, I have a
light that, albeit faint, uncertain, and at times intermittent, is uniquely mine. I feel an inner
pole star guiding me, leading me back when I lose my way, and helping me accept the
character I once considered my enemy. I’ve finally become aware of the fact that embracing
and understanding this character, rather than fighting it, marks a new phase in the journey
of self-discovery and transformation.
Sexual E3
 Sexual E3

Passion in the Sphere of Instinct: How Vanity Works In The

Sexual Subtype

When vanity infiltrates the sexual instinct, the focus shifts to seeking approval and
becoming an object of desire. From a young age, the Sexual E3’s sense of worth is tied to
being an object of lust, and attracting the attention and desire of others becomes an
obsessive pursuit.

The passionate drive for vanity is channeled into romantic relationships. The Sexual E3
strives to be the perfect partner, seeking an ideal mate who can provide the validation they
crave. They believe that by being the ideal companion, they can soothe their anxieties,
insecurities, and existential fears. This leads them to repress their own needs, focusing
entirely on their partner to find a sense of existence. As a result, they often neglect personal
growth, both professionally and socially, as independence is not a priority for them. They
expend their energy on suppressing and controlling their emotions and thoughts, rather
than developing their own individuality. This perpetuates a cycle where they increasingly
strive to remain attractive, as only a partner can provide the security they seek, both in
terms of survival and emotional connection.

I’ve noticed that I feel much more secure and at ease in the intimacy of my family or with my
husband. In these situations, I can express myself freely without self-judgment and show
tenderness, openly conveying my affection with gentleness. However, when it comes to
social situations, my shyness takes over. Even the mere thought of speaking in public can
leave me paralyzed; a wave of fear courses through my body, and my mind goes blank.
Deep down, there’s a nagging feeling that I have nothing valuable to say, that others are
more articulate, smarter. I find myself comparing and succumbing to fear. The intense
craving to be liked and loved is so overwhelming that I’d rather remain silent. There’s also
the illusion that merely being present might lead others to acknowledge me because I’m
not a burden but rather a feast for the eyes.

By channeling their efforts into captivating and pleasing only one person, they find
themselves with less to offer to the world at large. They can become clingy with this
significant other, as their world revolves predominantly around them. They live for
themselves or for this idealized family union, with their emotional realm completely
entwined with their partner’s. A mere conflict can be sufficient to disrupt everything.
Despite their fervent desire to be viewed as a unique individual, this character has yet to
fully grasp that the dynamics of a two-person relationship, common among the sexual
subtypes, extend beyond just romantic partnerships and encompass any significant
relationships, whether friendships or others.

Within this context, the sexual instinct loses its natural function as a pursuit of pleasure
and activation of the sexual impulse. Instead, it becomes an automatic seduction in the
pursuit of intimacy with another. This intimacy, unfulfilled in their relationships with both
their mother and father, becomes something the Sexual E3 sells, akin to a product or a
promise both to themselves and to the other person. It lacks the depth of an emotional or
existential experience. Naturally, this illusion eventually yields disillusionment—specifically,
the disappointment of not being able to attain the envisioned complete loving union. And
this disillusionment fuels their vain passion to persist in marketing themselves, their bodies,
and their uniqueness to others.

The Sexual E3 excels at projecting the facade of perfect love, leading you to believe that
they’ll remain affectionate forever. A true expert in simulating affection, they convey
warmth through their smile, convincing you of the idea of unconditional and everlasting
love. Yet, when they let their guard down in intimacy, their true self emerges—cold and
rigid:

I find myself often caught in fantasies of an ideal love, always envisioning a future
relationship as something wonderful. This habit prevents me from fully engaging with my
current partner and appreciating the present. I’ve been in two simultaneous relationships,
cheating on both, and I continuously catch myself idealizing either connection, convincing
myself that it will bring happiness or resolve my dissatisfaction. Yet, ultimately, I can’t
commit to either; I’ve become addicted to this pattern. I can see it, but I can’t break free from
it.

After leading my partner to believe I’ll be there forever, being the ideal man, seducing her,
and consciously or unconsciously doing everything right, I often find myself shifting into a
phase of criticism and constant demands. It’s as if I start to present a bill for all my past
actions. It’s like making her pay for having relaxed. Having already achieved what I wanted,
it’s paradoxical; it feels like something is lost or missing. This leads to a significant increase
in criticism and demands regarding my partner’s actions and words. It almost turns into a
competition, a strange and unhealthy notion that my partner can hardly measure up to my
expectations. And so, the passionate search continues.

I sometimes feel like I was destined to get married, take care of a family, and have a man in
my life. Despite my desire for independence and autonomy, I struggle to break free from
this dependency on men. I become entangled in confusion, unsure of what I truly want.
I recognize that there was a certain swagger in my past behavior. I believed that being seen
with different women elevated my status in the eyes of others, making me feel special,
unique, more attractive, and enigmatic.

Sexual E3s, who often confuse their genuine self with appearances, derive their self-worth
from the reflections they receive from others. They fall in love with the image projected
back to them, which leads them to become overly accommodating and highly dependent. In
their relentless pursuit to be liked, they share with the other E3 subtypes the peculiar
notion that one must be useful to earn affection. This idea takes a specific form in the
Sexual E3s, as they are willing to be used as objects. They often replicate an infantile
pattern of caretaking, stemming from their own childhood experiences. In their early years,
they might have been seen as the “long-awaited” child – the one who needed to be good,
charming, and cute, the ideal partner that the parent desperately wanted. Today, they often
still embody this role.

In a more or less explicit manner, this may involve becoming a sexual object if it’s necessary
to be loved. As a consequence, they often blur the lines between love, tenderness, and
sexual attraction. They associate sexuality with the requirement to earn affection and
learned, in their primary relationships, to link sexual contact with emotional intimacy. Many
of them were children who were seduced by a parent, often of the opposite sex. This
shaped their behavior and taught them to fill their insatiable emptiness with seduction,
which became their primary form of connection – it permeates every aspect of their being,
from their gestures to their looks, tenderness, and mannerisms. Consequently, they may
lean into complacency and sexuality, driven by the idea that they must be desired to be
loved and to exist.

They don’t invest themselves emotionally in sex and even consider it rather dull, although
they’ll always put on a façade to suggest otherwise. What truly arouses them is the chase.
The Sexual E3 delights in the thrill of being appreciated for who they are. Selecting a target
and successfully winning them over offers a fleeting respite from the perpetual emptiness
experienced by depending so heavily on the approval of others.

I derive my worth from the ability to be liked, to be found attractive, and to be admired by
others. This is where the aspect of being a sexual object comes into play, although it was
somewhat concealed for me. I wasn’t always conscious of the allure of my seductive
qualities, gestures, and posture. All these tools were at my disposal to attract women and
secure my place in the world.

I remember that, particularly during my adolescence and early adulthood, although there
was an element of seduction in my behavior, it was somewhat subtle. What motivated me
more was being chosen, specifically by the opposite sex. Being noticed and validated by the
woman in question provided the security I craved. I felt, in a way, indebted, which I believed
I had to repay through sexual intimacy and indulgence.

With their instinctual energy subdued, they find it difficult to pursue their own desires. They
remain fixated on being desired and chosen, a need they must convince the other to fulfill
by portraying a carefully crafted image—a better version of themselves they can
superficially present to the world. In their own words: “I claim they’ve chosen me, but little
do they know about the elaborate performance I’ve put on.”

A shared theme among Sexual E3s is a profound sense of loneliness. Many of them have
experienced a deficiency in genuine loving connections with their parents. Their relationship
with the parent of the opposite sex, in particular, may have been tainted by manipulative
seduction, leaving the child confused. The enduring, unconscious inner experience
stemming from this lack of parental support is one of sadness, fear, insecurity, and anguish:

I experienced a lack of care from my mother and father during my childhood, leaving me
feeling incredibly vulnerable and unprotected. I was all alone, overwhelmed by insecurity
and fear. It was only when I began to take care of my mother that I started to sense
recognition.

What’s evident to me is that when we yearn for support due to a lack of it, we instinctively
transform this need into usefulness for others. We end up taking care of others with the
hope that they will return the favor, thus satisfying our own longing for support and
protection. We become a means to fulfill their expectations and can go to great lengths in
the process. In doing so, we utterly forget ourselves and lose sight of our own identity.

The inner child remains fixated at an Oedipal stage, where it desperately seeks the love of
the parent of the opposite sex, driven by an unconscious desire mixed with guilt for what
the child interprets as incestuous urges. In this internal paradox, the Sexual E3 begins to
suppress their erotic energy, perceiving it as a threat to their inner balance. They learn to
repress their desires, attempting to tame their inner passions until they transform into
something more socially acceptable, akin to a well-groomed poodle pleasing its owner.
This fixation becomes particularly apparent when they find themselves ensnared in a love
triangle with their partner.

With a lack of internal reference and self-love, they delve into a third facet they confuse
with love: fantasy. Lacking internal security, they search for love externally, often through
indulgence and obsession. They become excessively dependent on anyone who makes
them feel loved. Being desired and loved by someone intoxicates them, and this feeling of
inebriation represents a form of narcissistic self-eroticization through the enchantment of
the other. They experience it like a daily-needed drug to fill the void of not truly being
themselves. The dependence that Sexual E3s instill in others to secure their continuous
surrender and admiration is so intense that they find themselves trapped in their own
game.

Realizing the impact I have on men, or when I walk into a room full of people, is what fuels
me. I love it, it propels me forward, and it gives me strength. With this, I conceal my
deep-seated insecurity and the fear of not truly being myself. I forget the robot-like feeling
inside me, which results from losing touch with my spontaneous emotions and genuine
needs. However, nobody notices this because I present myself as a gift to others. The desire
to charm has turned into a sport, an obsession. It’s where I put in the most effort, where I
feel a sense of accomplishment, almost as if I’m earning trophies.

Vanity has become the primary avenue for experiencing emotions. Without a mirror that
reflects not just an image but also emotions, Sexual E3s find it challenging to get in touch
with them. They eroticize to experience their own eroticism through others. They captivate,
delving into an intimacy that would embarrass them if a third party were to witness this
entanglement, all in an attempt to feel their nuanced inner world.

I have a tendency to eroticize everything, making it so captivating that it’s bound to be

admired. At times, I even convince myself that there’s an invisible thread behind everything
I do, unifying and making it harmonious, precise, and almost exquisite.

The moment someone shows interest in me, I become entrapped, setting the stage for my
own deception (and, of course, the other person’s). I begin convincing myself that I do love
her, even if I don’t feel it at the moment. I persuade myself that it will develop over time.
Despite an inner voice telling me otherwise—that there’s no genuine desire for that woman
and that I’ve simply been swept away by her interest—I become oblivious and deaf to this
inner voice, only acknowledging it once I’m already completely enmeshed in dissatisfaction,
burdened by the lie I’ve constructed, and enduring it for far too long.

Once they’re in a relationship and no longer feel the need to chase after their prey, they
switch off their sexual charm, giving up on trying to be attractive for their partner. Instead,
they start testing their significant other, revealing their own flaws, mistakes, and a whole
array of negative qualities they wouldn’t show to anyone else. They once presented
themselves in the best light, but now they drop all pretense to see if they’re still adored.

Now, they’re the ones withholding affection. They’ve already achieved what they longed
for: attention and love. As a result, they begin to degrade their value. They stop being
sexually available—well, deep down, they never truly were, even though their performance
might have suggested otherwise. No longer concerned with catching the attention of their
current partner, their focus shifts toward conquering someone else.
The Sexual E3 is scared witless when it comes to desire. They struggle to initiate any
contact and may go to great lengths to completely ignore their object of lust out of sheer
fear. When they do acknowledge it, they feel incredibly vulnerable and panicky. Their
apparent lack of resources to establish any genuine connection leads to physical, emotional,
and mental paralysis. It’s a triple barrier that results in freezing and distancing because
anything more would imply genuine interest, a prospect they find utterly terrifying.

The Characteristic Neurotic Need

Claudio Naranjo explains:

The key word is masculinity or femininity, depending on the gender in question. If we were
to translate this into the context of a neurotic need and examine the driving force behind
this personality type, it would be something like the need to attract, the need for
self-validation, and the desire to feed one’s vanity by being sexually appealing to a partner
or others. It’s quite straightforward. This suggests an identification with a somewhat
arbitrary image. It’s as if the development of this image compensates for a lack of attention,
creating a backdrop of insecurity about one’s own value. There’s a desperate attempt to be
likable to escape the feeling of worthlessness, as if what one truly is defies categorization
or price in the realm of personalities and personal preferences.

The neurotic need of a Sexual E3 is to attract through what can be seen as an existential
endeavor. Since most individuals of this type are female, we quote Lola Hoffmann’s
description of the myth of femininity:

The woman grapples with two significant voids: a sense of sexual emptiness and spiritual
hollowness. This leads her to energetically enter a man’s life, aiming to assert control and
exploit him in an attempt to alleviate her own frustrations. I refer to this as the myth of the
mermaid or femininity, which causes significant suffering. The mermaid, driven to captivate
men, is, from the waist down, a fish—completely cold, embodying both femininity and
frigidity. She may allure the man, but she fails to truly satisfy him. Instead, this piscine
aspect compels her to seek retribution, sinking the man, dominating him, and ultimately
destroying him by subjecting him to her will.

This myth of femininity seduces men and women alike. It offers the woman a form of power
over the man, derived from what she has absorbed from a patriarchal society. However, the
tragedy lies in her “triumph” over the man, which comes at the cost of her own identity—of
her personhood. Conversely, the chauvinistic or patriarchal man does not appreciate a
woman as an individual and is, therefore, significantly enticed by the siren, who he later
realizes seeks to undermine him.
Patriarchy is not solely the “fault” of men; it’s a pervasive societal phenomenon involving all
of humanity. Women, consciously or not, work against their own interests, inadvertently
supporting patriarchy. They have been conditioned to desire family, prioritize child-rearing,
and create comfort for their partners. This conditioning encourages individualism,
selfishness, and self-isolation.

The concepts of femininity and masculinity have been historically influenced by family
dynamics and cultural factors. Attractiveness in a man or woman has been associated with
qualities aligned with their traditional roles. Femininity embodies attributes such as
understanding, vulnerability, affection, child-care, and compliance. In contrast, masculinity is
linked with virility, strength, sexual appeal, competitiveness, and dominance.

Sexual E3s engage in flirtation and actively seek the attention of others, all while
maintaining distance upon encounter. This pursuit of seduction is primarily focused on
gaining validation for being attractive rather than seeking physical pleasure. They are aware
of being observed but often pretend not to notice. They may even believe they are desired
without any effort on their part. The hallmark neurotic need of pleasing others exudes a
considerable amount of energy towards attraction. Their seduction is largely unconscious,
and they may not recognize their efforts to mold or transform themselves according to
others. These adaptations manifest physically through body modifications, emotionally by
keeping feelings at bay, and behaviorally by making one’s actions entirely functional for the
sake of being alluring.

In matters of courtship, they typically remain passive and await the other person’s
advances. They do not proactively engage but instead present themselves as approachable.
They may even lead the other person to believe they are a passive and innocent party in
this seduction. In this “passivity,” they delude themselves into feeling secure as a kind and
interesting individual, though this security is often a facade.

In the bedroom, they strive to be the best to the point where they’re willing to go as far as
performing acrobatics just to please their partner, completely losing sight of their own
needs and desires:

In my own sexual experiences, which have often felt frustrating and paralyzing, I’ve
struggled to fully engage in the intimate aspect of a relationship. When I first began having
sex around the age of fifteen, I was so consumed by my desire to impress my partner, to
seduce them, and to create a captivating and enchanting atmosphere that I lost touch with
my own presence (a paradox indeed!). I found enjoyment in my partner’s pleasure and their
admiration of my charms, unknowingly feeding my vanity to the point where it became
repulsively inflated, akin to that of a diva.
By marketing their sexual skills, they seek acknowledgment, focusing not on pleasure but
on gaining acceptance. In their unexciting lack of genuine engagement, the Sexual E3
openly admits to faking orgasms and feeling like an object used for the other’s
enjoyment…the sooner it’s done, the better. The fear of experiencing an orgasm stems from
the surrender, vulnerability, and loss of control it entails.

At the age of thirty-two, after being in a committed relationship for eighteen years, I
experienced my first orgasm. It happened while I was alone, through masturbation, a skill I
learned from a book on sexuality. I was utterly terrified, not understanding what my body
was going through; it was convulsing uncontrollably. “I’m dying!” I thought. The only
instinct I had was to quickly get dressed and run away; running felt like the only way to
escape from something I couldn’t control, a sensation that simultaneously brought me
satisfaction and fear. Orgasms made me feel vulnerable, and I was frightened by that
vulnerability, so I began to fake them. Faking became my crutch, and I continued simulating
orgasms for a long time because I was still emotionally absent in my interactions with
others and, as a result, couldn’t genuinely feel anything.

When it comes to sex, they prioritize the satisfaction of the other over their own pleasure,
even when it borders on abuse. The Sexual E3 often struggles to acknowledge aggression
due to their difficulty in recognizing it. They have this notion that their body exists for the
other’s pleasure, and their emotional disconnection serves as a protective mechanism
against potential harm.

This disconnection is linked to a reluctance to fully surrender, manifesting as a mindset of,

“Even if you touch me, you won’t truly have me. My body is one thing, but my heart and soul
are another.” Deep down, there’s a fear of physical contact, leading to a distancing through
deceptive actions like faking orgasms.

It’s not uncommon to hear stories of abuse among Sexual E3 individuals. Some women,
from an early age, have unintentionally attracted older men, often misinterpreting their
attention as a substitute for the love they may have missed from their fathers. This pattern
of seduction, disregarding potential consequences, often traces back to formative years,
where the seeds of these bonds, driven by attraction and sexual pleasure, have their origin
in the relationship with the father. Sadly, in some instances, the result has been experiences
of violence and even sexual assault.

By the time I was eleven, my body had already developed to the point where it resembled
that of a sixteen-year-old. I was attracting the attention of older men, but this precocious
physical development didn’t lead me toward exploring my own sexuality. Instead, it pushed
me into a systematic and somewhat unconscious pattern of seduction. I often confused the
way others looked at me with the feeling of being loved. Back then, this gaze felt nurturing,
and I didn’t want to be held responsible for the desire it might awaken. In fact, this
confusion about how others looked at me led to some problems, including an attempted
rape and, later on, a real one. Even during those incidents, I was in a state of confusion and
didn’t fully grasp what was going on. Something within me, thirsty to love and be loved,
made me believe that any attention was love; the mistreatment too, because I forgave my
aggressors.

Faced with aggression, the Sexual E3 disconnects from the physical pain and empathizes
with the abuser. They channel all their energy into pleasing them and ensuring that they
don’t perceive their actions as wrong. Moreover, they strive to keep these actions hidden,
fearing exposure. They are willing to endure a relationship with the abuser out of a fear of
losing what they perceive as "love." Deep down, there is a profound need for affection, and
they believe that any negative attention or withdrawal of affection from the other person
means they are not loved.

Sometimes, they can sustain toxic relationships simply because they work sexually. In some
cases, constant conflict intensifies the sexual bond because reconciliation becomes a way to
regain the other person’s love. It becomes a cycle: with conflict, the other person
temporarily withdraws their affection, and, consequently, the Sexual E3 feels compelled to
engage in a conquest to win it back.

I felt such despair due to my husband’s sexual and emotional rejection that my conclusion
was clear: he no longer found my body appealing. This, in my mind, meant he no longer
cared for me as a person. I was prepared to do anything to regain his love; I would have
jumped in front of a train if he had asked me to. In a moment of profound disconnect, I
impulsively turned to a plastic surgeon for breast reconstruction. I was in the throes of my
neurosis, driven by a madness for vanity, where I blurred the lines between self and body. I
equated love, both giving and receiving, with physical appearance. I firmly believed that by
having an attractive body once again, I could win back his love!

Their seductive game, driven by the desire to captivate their prey, is largely unconscious.
When confronted with a mirror, a genuine innocence emerges; they don’t fully comprehend
the impact of their allure.

Over time, I experienced some discomfort because I was often pursued for sexual
encounters. I began to realize that I didn’t want this, but I couldn’t grasp why everyone
sought it with me. I wasn’t accountable for the desire I unwittingly stirred. I encountered
instances of sexual violence, which I repressed because I feared losing the possibility of
feeling connected. What would I have left? How would people perceive me if I wasn’t
attractive and didn’t offer what seemed to interest men?

In the case of men, once they have the object of their conquest within their grasp, they often
lack the courage to express their intentions clearly. This can stem from uncertainty about
their true desires, the fear of being with someone they genuinely like, leading to a
compromise of their authentic needs, or the realization that the chase wasn’t what they
truly wanted.

The women, on the other hand, tend to seduce driven by a lack of commitment and
shyness, creating an air of mystique that fulfills their neurotic need to be seen as special
and unique.

Throughout my personal journey, I came to realize that my heart had been closed and was
frozen to its core. It was an internal sensation of coldness and a lack of genuine empathy,
concealed beneath the facade of love. Rooted in the wound of the Oedipal triangle is a
belief that an inherent hideous flaw and ugliness make me unlovable. This division of bodily
energy into sexuality and the heart leads to emotional and bodily blockages and a
disconnect between the heart and the genitals. There’s a deep-seated fear of true intimacy
and a lack of surrender in both the heart and the sexual act.

The reputation of the Sexual E3 as a “hottie” stems from their inclination to relate primarily
through seduction. In this intricate game of maintaining the other’s gaze, they can lead
them to fall in love, keep them fooled in the hope of reciprocal affection and intimacy, and
often depart when they feel cornered or end up in bed with someone they didn’t genuinely
desire. Of course, they excel in this game of conquest. The initial protagonism ignites the
flame of desire with intensity, making them feel as if the other’s eyes are exclusively for
them. They adorn themselves for seduction, and donning their best attire and perfumes
makes them feel alluring. Like a chameleon, they adapt to meet the other’s needs,
transforming themselves to fulfill various needs. They can modify their ideals, suppressing
their authentic selves to become what they are not, all in the pursuit of conquest. Once
achieved, it typically leads to sexual encounters, but there, the initial desire and arousal
often begin to wane.

I wanted to be the best lover, and my entire life revolved around sensuality. This is when I
became highly competitive, striving to outshine others, to be extraordinary, even divine. I
sought the most exquisite things, like Christian Dior lingerie, fragrances, essences, and
creams. I dedicated myself entirely to this pursuit. I longed to have this man at my feet, and
I achieved it. It made me feel incredibly significant, unique, and loved. Finally, I felt like
someone; when he gazed at me, I was captivated and loved myself through his admiration.
In bed, I embraced every suggestion as if it were my own; I couldn’t distinguish between his
desires and mine. I melded completely.

As for the man:

For me, the true conquest was earning the admiration of women. This is what aroused me
the most, what I found most erotic, and where I invested most of my energy. I became a
master of gestures and appearances. Every movement I made was delicate, measured,
bordering on the exquisite. During my time as a swimming instructor, my graceful
interactions with the children earned the admiration of mothers. Word about the instructor
quickly spread in the neighborhood, and the demand for lessons grew. Mothers wouldn’t
move from behind the window panes during their children’s classes. It was all about
seduction and conquest.

In terms of my sexual journey, the pinnacle was reached when I starred in a play, portraying
none other than the Marquis de Sade. The play was highly erotic, and with pre-recorded
video sequences, we convinced the audience that we were engaging in live intercourse. I
reveled in absolute glory; it made headlines. I could feel the audience’s gazes, and I could
boldly return their looks; I was the Marquis, which granted me permission to be the most
sensual and voluptuous.

It’s important to note that it’s not precisely a sexual seduction. The Sexual E3 woman isn’t a
femme fatale. She promises something more subtle: intimacy. Her soft, tender gaze appears
to convey, “We’ve known each other in the depths of our souls for an eternity. I truly see
you.” Tolstoy’s character Anna Karenina, featured in his eponymous work, is an exemplary
Sexual E3. She lives with a husband twenty years her senior, having settled into a
passionless yet prestigious marriage with a prominent figure in high society, whom she
doesn’t love. However, she realizes this emotional void when she falls in love with Vronsky,
a young and handsome man. She becomes pregnant by her lover and moves in with him.
Between this relationship not fulfilling her as she had hoped, the loss of her son, who stays
with her husband, her ostracism from Russian society, and the growing inner resentment,
she ends up committing suicide to take revenge on Vronsky. Anna and Vronsky, her future
lover, meet for the first time at the Moscow train station. We witness a magical moment:
how Anna manages to bewitch Vronsky.

Vronsky followed the conductor, and as he was about to enter the coach, he stepped aside
to allow a lady to pass. With the instant intuition of a man of the world, he recognized that
she belonged to the very best society. Apologizing, he was about to enter the door, but
involuntarily turned to give another look at the lady—not because of her beauty, grace, or
elegance, but because the expression on her lovely face, as she passed, seemed so gentle
and sweet to him.​
She also turned her head as he looked back at her. With her gray eyes shining through her
long lashes, she gave him a friendly, benevolent look, as though she had seen in him a
friend, and immediately turned to seek someone in the throng. Quick as this glance was,
Vronsky had time to perceive in her face a dignified vivacity, visible in the half-smile that
parted her rosy lips and the brightness of her eyes. Her whole being radiated the
overflowing spirits of youth, which she tried to conceal; but despite her, the veiled lightning
of her eyes gleamed in her smile.
Tolstoy masterfully captures the essence of the magical atmosphere created by a Sexual
E3. While Anna possesses fascinating physical beauty, it’s not so much her body that draws
Vronsky in; it’s the grace of her personality, her manners, and especially her “infinitely
gentle and sweet” demeanor. This hints at the direction their relationship will take: one not
primarily focused on passionate sensuality but rather a quest for complete love within the
context of a partnership, an attempt to heal their emotional scars and the feeling of inner
separation.​
She doesn’t promise unbridled sensuality but a tenderness that will reach straight into
Vronsky’s heart. It’s an intimate connection between two souls: “She gave him a friendly,
benevolent look as though she had seen in him a friend.” It’s like being seen in one’s soul
with eyes of tenderness and love. The question that arises for the Sexual E3 is this: Is there
anything more intimate than this?

Tolstoy directs our attention to the inner light of the spirit that resides within each
individual. This inner light can shine forth unintentionally when a moment of connection
with someone piques their interest, “which was translucent in spite of herself, either in the
brightness of her gaze or in her smile.” In the longing to be loved for who we truly are, we
glimpse the complete love that is experienced when we feel one with everything, loved
simply for our existence. Anna appears to be in touch with this inner clarity when she meets
Vronsky’s gaze. However, this inner light can also recede, as seen when she sleeps with her
husband on their first night at their home in St. Petersburg: “But what had become of that
radiant glow that animated her face in Moscow, making her eyes sparkle and giving
radiance to her smile? Now that glow seemed to have been extinguished, or at least,
hidden.”

This reinforces the idea that a Sexual E3 feels whole, feels truly alive, when immersed in
that “intoxicating elixir of enthusiasm,” which is the delight of being admired. It’s a
confirmation of being loved, albeit arising from a neurotic need that merely deepens the
chasm between them and their true self, as beautifully depicted by Tolstoy in the following
scene:

She had not been near Anna again since the beginning of the evening, and now again she
saw her suddenly quite new and surprising. She saw in her the signs of that feeling of
success she was all too familiar with; she saw that she was intoxicated with the euphoria of
the delighted admiration she was generating. She knew that feeling and knew its signs,
and saw them in Anna; saw the quivering, flashing light in her eyes, and the smile of
happiness and excitement unconsciously playing on her lips, and the deliberate grace,
precision, and lightness of her movements.​
“Who?” she asked herself. “All or one?” [...]​
“No, it’s not the admiration of the crowd that has intoxicated her, but the adoration of one.
And that one? Can it be he?” Every time Vronsky spoke to Anna, the joyous light flashed
into her eyes, and the smile of happiness curved her red lips. She seemed to make an effort
to control herself, to try not to show these signs of delight, but they came out on her face
by themselves. “But what of him?” Kitty looked at him and was filled with terror. What was
pictured so clearly to Kitty in the mirror of Anna’s face, she saw in him. What had become of
his always self-possessed, resolute manner, and the carelessly serene expression on his
face? Now, every time he turned to her, he bent his head as though he would have fallen at
her feet, and in his eyes there was nothing but humble submission and dread. “I would not
offend you,” his eyes seemed every time to be saying, “but I want to save myself, and I don’t
know how.” On his face was a look such as Kitty had never seen before.

Tolstoy doesn’t imply that Anna is consumed by passionate love for Vronsky; it’s not that
she’s deeply infatuated with this man. Rather, she is intoxicated with the feeling of being
liked, intoxicated with her success. A Sexual E3 describes this phenomenon as follows:

With each person, we offer something special that aligns with their interests, a part of
ourselves that resonates with their desires. When conversing with a poet, we become the
most poetic and sensitive beings in the world. With someone of different characteristics, we
adapt accordingly. Always highlighting what matters most to the other.

An unconscious idea of the Sexual E3 is that they can be liked when they forsake their
individuality, self-realization, and inner growth, transforming themselves into the person
the other desires. While it’s true that they can gain affection this way, they lose touch with
their essence, their unique tastes, and instincts. This loss leads to a sense of robotic
behavior as the Sexual E3 desperately craves being loved and returning that love. The title
of the play “Silicone or Life” succinctly encapsulates how this subtype’s ego is managed,
illustrating the opposing forces that divide them in their existential struggle: the desire to
live, synonymous with the desire to love, and the self-denial of those same impulses.

Anna Karenina appears to possess the capacity for feminine, maternal, and tender love. At
her higher self, the Sexual E3 can exhibit true loving-kindness, as described in
Buddhism—compassion and gentle love that isn’t judgmental or indulgent but connected to
one’s own experience of another’s suffering. The madness lies in the belief that such love
can be found in a romantic relationship, where being liked and feeling loved equate to
personal value. Thus, in the quest for unification with the forgotten source, the Sexual E3
projects the divine into their relationships with others. This is how Anna Karenina perceives
this complex emotional state:

She thought he had ceased to love her, she felt close to despair, and consequently, she felt
exceptionally alert.​
She rang for her maid and went to her dressing room. As she dressed, she took more care
over her appearance than she had done all those days, as though he might, if he had grown
cold to her, fall in love with her again because she had dressed and arranged her hair in the
way most came to her.

This reaffirms what many Sexual E3s obsessively believe: by appearing desirable both
inwardly and outwardly, they will finally receive love from their partner, the person from
whom they’ve felt the most rejection. They tend to confuse surface presentation with their
core identity.​
Sexual E3s are essentially love seekers, and their tragedy lies in their failure to
comprehend that true love cannot be found externally, in their appearance or being desired.
They blur the lines between surface and core. They’ve lost faith in their core, severed their
connection with their true selves, and erroneously believe that their essence is merely
what’s on the outside.

Norman Mailer describes, in his famous biography of Marilyn Monroe, the phenomenon of
the art of pleasing the Sexual E3. The secret to Marilyn Monroe’s success with men lay in
her ability to make anyone believe that only he could bring out her best. This compulsion to
prove one’s impact on another originates from a loss of inner value. The underlying
narcissistic need is to be unique to someone, as if it were possible to suppress the pain of
feeling insignificant, hidden deep within.

Interpersonal Strategy and Associated Irrational Ideas

All actual life is encounter​

~Martin Buber

Drawing from Martin Buber’s words, it’s crucial to delve into what an encounter means for a
Sexual E3. Who are they meeting, and who is meeting whom?​
For the Sexual E3, an encounter is the wellspring of life. It’s the moment when they meet
their beloved, who will hopefully acknowledge the dignity of their existence. To achieve
this, they believe they must present ‘something’ that’s acceptable to the other. They can’t
approach the encounter just as themselves because they’ve learned that what truly matters
is being “as the other desires.” Essentially, they project their imagination of the lover’s
desires onto themselves, based on the conditions their parents placed upon them for
acceptance: to be an “attractive person,” the perfect man or woman.

This early experience shapes their core perspective, becoming the lens through which they
filter all interpersonal interactions. Their fixation revolves around the self-deception of
wholeheartedly identifying with the facade they’ve created.​
E3 genuinely believes in the image they aim to portray, whether it’s that of a confident,
successful individual or, in the Sexual E3’s case, the ideal partner. This subtype forgets that
they’ve crafted a mask of attractiveness, sweetness, and affection, and they come to
genuinely believe that this mask is their absolute truth. They deceive themselves, even
before they deceive anyone else.

Once they begin the process of self-discovery and become aware of this distorted
self-image, it’s as if they discover emptiness and nothingness behind the mask. This marks
the pinnacle of an identity crisis where the quest for authenticity can commence. However,
it’s not without traversing a desert where the Sexual E3 not only loses sight of their true
self but also struggles to trust their own feelings, emotions, or thoughts.

Thus, the Sexual E3 believes they must transform themselves to encounter the other
person. But who is the other? The other represents someone who can affirm the
constructed image of being “right,” someone who buys into this portrayal. Consequently,
the person they encounter also wears a mask, becoming another counterfeit. The Sexual E3
needs to project these idealized expectations onto them, losing sight of both the other and
themselves.

To delve deeper into understanding how the Sexual E3 has built this cognitive distortion,
it’s enlightening to explore a peculiar mechanism of this subtype: the unconscious mimesis
and all the irrational beliefs or irrational ideas associated with it.

“Differentiating oneself from others is the most difficult thing to do; being different
provokes rejection”

The personal relationships of Sexual E3s typically follow a predictable pattern rooted in the
irrational belief that they lack the autonomy to hold their own opinions, ideas, or values.
They tend to be conflict-averse and prioritize maintaining harmonious relationships. In
essence, they feel the need to absorb what belongs to others if they cannot assert their
individuality. This is akin to valuing others’ opinions over their own and denying themselves
the right to stand firmly with their unique truth.

Mimesis, in the context of human behavior, represents an innate inclination to imitate or

incorporate qualities from others, driven by the instinctual desire for interpersonal bonding
and survival. Sexual E3s unconsciously engage in mimesis to avoid rejection and the
distressing sense of inner loneliness, stemming from their experiences of lacking secure and
nurturing attachments. This pattern is exemplified in the following scenario:

I deeply care about someone, and I desire their love in return. When this person strongly
expresses an opinion that contradicts my own, I find it immensely challenging to voice my
disagreement and assert my own opinion. Engaging in this disagreement sparks an
argument, and the person becomes angry, possibly even refusing to talk to me. I enter a
state of crisis without fully understanding what is happening.​
I experience intense discomfort, confusion, and a nagging question in my mind – ‘Am I
wrong? Did I miss something? Maybe the other person is right?’ My thoughts become
entangled in an attempt to comprehend. I even start to adopt the other person’s viewpoint,
unable to grasp the rejection I’m experiencing. This self-denial triggers self-accusation,
shame, and anxiety, like a fear of impending punishment. This cascade finally leads to
depression and sadness.

The ensuing sadness is linked to a childhood sense of abandonment, the belief that I am
unlovable for being inauthentic. I’ve encountered this pattern repeatedly in my life, and it
takes me weeks to regain my inner equilibrium and escape the emotional abyss created by
the rejection. This ‘hole’ represents a recurring mental and emotional state, shaped by an
underlying belief that I can’t be loved as I am, causing people I care about to distance
themselves. It’s an automated, unconscious response, a pattern of interpretation activated
by specific situations.

In essence, the Sexual E3 becomes a mirror of the values held by others, losing their sense
of self and strength, ensnared in the trap of self-denial. They adapt to the values of
different individuals, experiencing the world through varied lenses based on who is before
them.​
The experience of rejection is like being abandoned, serving as a painful confirmation of
perceived inner flaws and ugliness. The pursuit of validation and confirmation for their
idealized self invariably ends in frustration. Instead of regaining the strength to assert
themselves, they tumble back into self-doubt, subjecting themselves to self-inflicted
torment.

Questions such as “Who am I, where does the other’s influence end, and where do I truly
begin?” plague their self-reflection as they embark on their personal journey. Before
embarking on this voyage of self-discovery, they often grapple with an inherent lack of
understanding about their own identity, and their self’s fragility leads them to form
symbiotic bonds with their partners, using these relationships as a way to explore their own
sense of self. As one Sexual E3 articulates, “I find it challenging to maintain a differing
viewpoint from my partner or to establish my own boundaries; it instantly triggers a void
filled with anxiety.”

“Being disliked by someone is very threatening, but if I’m a good mother, partner, and
daughter, I’ll earn a place in heaven”

In the realm of human existence, friction, conflicts, competition, and territorial disputes are
inevitable. Sexual E3s prefer not to engage in this fight; they are not the wolves, but the
innocent and adorable lambs, willingly subjecting themselves to exploitation. They see
themselves as the Lamb of God, the sacrificial figure offering themselves for the sake of
world peace.

In their quest to avoid involvement in the tumultuous nature of human interaction, the
Sexual E3 assumes a stance of helplessness, embodying the innocence of a child who
avoids causing any trouble. They deftly manipulate their relationships, striving to achieve
their desires through complacency and projecting an aura of benevolence. They willingly
become the sacrificial offering, feeling a sense of superiority through their imagined divine
goodness and apparent powerlessness, thereby inviting those with ill intentions to abuse
them. The inner warrior is held captive within a metaphorical cage, disarmed to prevent any
missteps, all driven by the misguided belief that pleasing everyone will provide protection
and validation. Here is how one Sexual E3 describes it:

I fear conflict because I perceive myself as an easy target as soon as I’m confronted. To
avoid reaching a point where I can’t defend myself, I strive to sidestep trouble. Given my
insecurity, I can’t engage in confrontations, allow myself to get upset, or let others feel
discomfort because, in my mind, if I don’t, I’ll be obligated to make amends, ensuring that
such conflicts never occur with me. I market myself as someone who never causes
problems.

In the following statement, you can sense the enormity of their efforts to avoid conflict and
deny their own humanity. This character’s profound insecurity appears to cast a spell over
their environment, creating a bubble of pathological contentment.

Driven by the fear of the patriarchal world, characterized by aggression, abuse, and the
exploitation of nature and individuals, especially the vulnerable, such as children and
women, it’s become apparent to me that, as Claudio elucidates in his book Healing
Civilization, this environment fosters inverted values. I reluctantly admit that my
unconscious motivation for marriage was to seek protection from a man who adeptly spoke
the language of aggression and competitiveness. His strength promised me security, yet it
came with the unspoken understanding that he could offload his aggression onto me
whenever the need arose. As a result, I admired his power, projecting strength onto him,
and at the same time, I hated him for abusing other people and myself.

How did I manipulate him? Firstly, I concealed my true self, feigned understanding and
interest in his worldview, and adopted his values as my own. This included matters relating
to child-rearing, where to live, how to dress, what to think... I even began doubting my own
values, questioning my authenticity, and disregarding the anger and rejection stemming
from the relationship and my impostor persona. I redoubled my efforts to love him from a
self-centered perspective, enduring this façade with the hopes of finally obtaining from him
the love I had dreamed of.
But of course, the growing resentment and frustration caused by self-denial and unmet
expectations led to my shifting blame onto him, accusing him and holding him responsible
for my pain.

My most prominent fear during my marriage, one of which I was fully conscious, revolved
around the idea of being left alone and struggling to sustain myself. This fear was fueled by
my apprehension of entering a competitive world and a deep-seated belief in my own
inadequacy. I hesitated to confront the abuse that unfolded within my marriage, dreading
the specter of abandonment and the loss of my innate strength. It was this apprehension
that led me to perceive my inherent weakness as a manifestation of goodness, an inability
to harm others.

At the same time, I started to take revenge on my husband by closing off my heart,
simulating affection, speaking ill of him to my girlfriends, thinking about other men while
we were making love, threatening him with separation, and convincing myself of my
superiority.

An array of passive-aggressive behaviors progressively grew in intensity over the years.

Catastrophic thoughts consumed me – thoughts of accidents, wars, tragic events, my
children’s demise, a desire not to continue living, or fantasies of his death as an escape from
my suffering. Today, I can acknowledge that my repression of vital energy and the denial of
my own anger transformed into a sadistic form of resentment projected onto perceived
horrific events or individuals I deemed ‘bad.’ My disconnection from myself and the mask of
benevolence prevented me from recognizing my own manipulation and aggression, from
confronting that dark, vengeful side.

“If I expose the conflicts I have with someone I love, the relationship will come to an end.”

In their quest to establish intimate and secure connections, Sexual E3 individuals tend to
view others through rose-tinted glasses. This perspective represents a vain disconnection
from reality, where they deny both their own flaws and those of others. Lacking a
well-developed intuition to guide them, they struggle to discern between people with good
and bad intentions. Consequently, they lack a conscious alarm system to alert them when
they are in potentially unsafe scenarios. When anxiety about their own safety arises, they
begin to question their perceptions, straining to find signs of validity in the other person or
situation while denying their own instincts. They often create idealized fantasies of people
and experience profound disappointment when they become aware of human limitations.

The elevation of the couple as the epitome of absolute love serves as a substitute for their
deep yearning for a loving union. Their admiration for strong and powerful individuals
represents a denial of their own aggressive and humiliating tendencies toward the weakest.
These idealized relationships promise, finally, an entry into paradise.
Sexual E3s often find it challenging to admit that there are people they genuinely dislike
and reject for who they are. Their idealized self prevents them from acknowledging these
feelings. They often feign excessive generosity in an attempt to garner sympathy and avoid
their deepest fear: being disliked.

Reflecting on my past, I remember a time when I presented myself as naturally friendly to

anyone I encountered. My friendliness was driven by a desire to uphold the image of being
good-natured and also by the mercantile utility of deriving value through associations with
others. There was a phase in my life when I was fixated on establishing connections with
individuals of high societal status. Being friends with influential people provided me with a
sense of glamour, importance, and value that I did not feel within myself. I bought into the
illusion of my own charisma through association with others, despite secretly
acknowledging that I might be shallow and uninteresting.

These fantastical self-deceptions obstruct genuine connections with others. The Sexual E3
fails to truly engage with the person in front of them, preferring to engage with their own
idealized notion of a perfect person or an ideal world. Since they deny their own
experiences, they also remain disconnected from themselves. If they get angry, of course,
they don’t let it show. Fear of consequences, disguised as fear of being wrong, inhibits
anger. They tend to question their own feelings and often suppress their authentic
emotions. Their ability to idealize themselves, a coping mechanism developed during
childhood to alleviate the anguish of disconnection, continues to shape their relationships.
This idealization promises something that seems to have been missing or is still missing in
their lives. And so, they sacrifice genuine connections between two real individuals in favor
of the irrational ideas that their true selves are not worthy of love, that they cannot have a
place in this world, and that what they are, by the virtue of being themselves, is not
enough.

Their tendency to respond with “As you wish” characterizes their automatic, thoughtless
reaction. These three words are uttered without a genuine consideration of their own
desires or resistance. They embody both a denial of their own needs and a keen desire to
please. The belief here is: “If I show my true self, I will be abandoned, because I do not
deserve to be loved.” Only when they’re certain the other person is already emotionally
invested and firmly within their grasp do they reveal the frustrated and demanding facets of
their desire for love and acceptance.

“If I am desired, I exist.” “Revealing my pleasure will lead to humiliation.”

The Sexual E3 represses instinctive, spontaneous, and erotic pleasure, often criminalizing
the expression of Eros. This repression leads to guilt and shame, preventing them from fully
experiencing life. Shame becomes a self-control mechanism that keeps them from
surrendering to pleasure. Deep down, they are ashamed to live.
While their sexual instinct drives them toward union with a partner, they often eroticize
their relationships subtly. They may unconsciously do this, intensifying their seductive
tendencies to please and gain affection. Their primary awareness is the need to connect
with their partner through sexuality to feel alive:

“It’s really important for me that my partner desires me sexually. I can feel his yearning for
me in those intimate moments, and that’s when I might trick myself into thinking he’s truly
interested and in love. But when he doesn’t show that desire, I start to question whether he
really loves me.”

This character seeks confirmation and love through sexual encounters, even if those
encounters aren’t necessarily pleasurable for them. Their focus is on fulfilling their partner’s
needs at the expense of their own.

The heart remains distant because it closed itself off long ago due to the pain of having its
vital, loving energy rejected. It ends up inculcating its inner child, which still holds an
innocent and erotic essence. This inner child isn’t interested in seduction or manipulation
but in expressing itself through pleasure and the expansive joy of life. The belief “If I am
desired, I exist” reflects this deep loss of vital energy, connected to the childlike innocence
(their link with E8). This leads to a strong need to feel desired as a way to unlock repressed
desires suppressed by an overbearing superego. This need reinforces the conviction that
they have to be in a relationship, often forming codependent bonds to avoid the fear of
being left alone. It is this same neurotic need that prevents them from breaking off
frustrating and unhealthy relationships.

Despite appearing as experts in intimacy, it is not true intimacy that this frozen and anxious
heart knows. Sexual E3 individuals remain in a state of longing and may mistake it for
genuine intimacy. However, true intimacy arises when two individuals reveal their authentic
selves, with all the vulnerability involved in the sexual encounter.

“What is expected of me?” “If I manage to seduce you, I can rest.”

The Sexual E3 lives under the illusion that they can mold themselves into what others
desire, whether it’s their partners, colleagues, close associates, or even momentarily
interesting strangers.

“At work, I easily grasp what’s expected of me or the unspoken philosophy of the company.
If the situation demands that I appear stressed and loaded with work, I can effortlessly
adopt that role. If it’s more appropriate to admit my lack of knowledge as a form of humility,
I can do that as well. If, on the other hand, the expectation is to be knowledgeable, I can
seamlessly pretend to know things I don’t. I have a natural talent for discerning what will
make others accept me. There’s a strong need in me for their affection and approval. I’d
even go so far as to say it’s not so much an effort but a reflex, as instinctive as breathing.”

For the adaptable Sexual E3, the art of fitting in is so ingrained and automatic that it
becomes second nature. In order to be liked, they are willing to put others and their wishes
first.

“If my partner didn’t approve of my friends, I gradually distanced myself from them,
eventually cutting off all contact. If he didn’t like my haircut, I would change it. If he didn’t
like the way I spoke, I made a conscious effort to alter it, striving to mold myself into the
person he wanted, all in pursuit of satisfying my desperate need to feel desired at any cost.”

In this regard, I became like a Barbie doll who had no life of her own, and existed only
through the vain image she produced: what her man desired, which she had learned
through societal and educational influences.

Sexual E3s permit humiliation as a part of the steep price they pay. Their pact with the devil
costs them dearly, causing life itself to turn bitter and desolate as they accumulate
repressed anger, drifting further away from their inner radiant source. Presenting
themselves as mere objects distorts the childlike yearning for self-validation, acceptance,
love, and belonging. The deep-seated belief, “If I’m not pleasing, I’m not worthy,” echoes an
age-old wound where the vital drive failed to meet anticipated responses.

Other Characteristic Features and Psychodynamic

Considerations

Dependent on the Gaze of Others

The Sexual E3 often imagines that there is a camera constantly watching their every move.
They take on the role of an actor, meticulously practicing mannerisms and gestures after
carefully observing the context or the person they aim to seduce or impress. This practice
sometimes leads them to believe that these rehearsed actions come naturally.

This inclination towards performing and seeking recognition from the gaze of others often
originates in early life, particularly in the primary relationship. When the mother’s
emotional attention was absent, the child learned to value the surface, primarily catering to
the mother’s narcissistic expectations. The lack of genuine maternal support, or the feeling
of being truly seen by the mother, subsequently transforms into a compulsive need to seek
validation through the gaze of others. It’s through this gaze that they find a fleeting illusion
of recognition, which helps fill the emptiness, sadness, fear, anguish, and loneliness they
harbor.

From a very young age, I associated physical beauty with goodness and heroism. I couldn’t
help but notice that the heroes in the TV series I watched were invariably handsome, while
the villains were depicted as ugly and scarred. I often found myself overidentifying with the
main characters in films, absorbing their every nuance and gesture. The way Elvis Presley’s
movements could make women scream intrigued me; unknowingly, I meticulously
registered each of his inflections and gestures.

Even while out on the streets, I would imagine that I was part of a film and would carefully
observe my own movements, in case someone was watching. I perpetually assumed that
someone was always watching me because being noticed was equivalent to existence in
my mind. What isn’t seen doesn’t exist, and the more you’re seen, the more you “exist.”

I also admired the cool, collected demeanor of James Bond or certain Japanese anime
characters, who never seemed to flinch in the face of danger. I attempted to emulate them. I
suppose, as a primarily visual individual, I felt well-suited for a society that places such
importance on visual cues. I excelled in understanding societal codes and cleverly wielded
them to my advantage, which bolstered my ego.

As the sexual instinct is at play here, the gaze of the other must hold an element of desire
and admiration. Hence, individuals of this subtype expect their worth to be confirmed by
others desiring them.

Sweet/Maternal

Exceptionally attentive to others’ desires, the Sexual E3 naturally gravitates towards taking
care of those around them. They relish in giving, pleasing, and creating a nurturing
environment where they feel valuable and secure. Their demeanor is sweet and tender,
making them the most accommodating of the three subtypes.

Their passion often revolves around the idea of a perfect family, with idealized love as
another cherished dream. One role that allows them to perfectly embody this identity is
that of a mother and housewife. In this role, the Sexual E3 feels entirely in their element
and becomes devoted, often prioritizing it above all else. Even if they’re not completely
fulfilled in this role, they find it hard to step away from it. Within this sphere, they feel safe,
capable, practical, and highly efficient, excelling in managing tasks such as cooking, taking
care of others, and solving problems.
This individual doesn’t overtly demand care for themselves, but they seek intimacy and to
feel loved and protected. Despite their significant focus on providing care and affection,
they expect to receive the same in return. However, they may not explicitly ask for it, and
when they feel overwhelmed, they may resort to expressing their needs or frustrations.
Rejection or the lack of reciprocal affection can leave them hypersensitive, and in moments
of fragility or disappointment, they may exhibit childlike demands for attention. It’s as
though the maternal care they may have lacked in their own childhood is compensated for
by adopting a maternal role, which allows them to care for others’ concrete needs and
engage in sweet and affectionate seduction.

Healthy family dynamics involve the natural flow of a mother satisfying a child’s needs. In
this case, the order becomes disrupted, with the roles reversed. It’s the parents who
become the recipients of care and attention from their sons or daughters. These individuals,
who were once valued as children for being attentive to their parents and resolving family
issues, often find solace in embodying sweet, accommodating, and maternal roles as adults.

Complacent

Complacency is the act of feigning a sense of fulfillment in relationships. The Sexual E3

appears to be accommodating and not explicitly demanding, yet beneath the surface, there
are unexpressed desires and suppressed aggressions that may manifest passively if they
don’t perceive reciprocity. Their availability serves the purpose of ensuring the other
person’s reliance on them, thus avoiding feelings of isolation. Their deep thirst for love finds
some relief in relationships based on dependency and codependency. On one hand, they
believe that they will be loved by constantly pleasing others, but this behavior often verges
on servility, false kindness, and deep down, they understand this, making them skeptical of
the authenticity of the love they receive.

They invest so much energy into pleasing that they often lose touch with their own true
desires. They can easily detect what their partner wants to the point of confusing it with
their own needs. Even though they conform and adapt to their partner’s wishes, they are
left with a lingering sense of dissatisfaction, knowing that their efforts aren’t genuinely
driven by their own desires. They are keenly aware of the effort involved in pleasing others,
setting them apart from Sexual E9 individuals, who often disconnect from their own
feelings to the point of physical numbness due to excessive effort. The Sexual E3
accommodates and adapts, but they hold an expectation that the other person will validate
their “exceptional work.”

When I was born, I was named after my paternal grandmother, who passed away when my
father was a child. My grandmother held a special place in my father’s heart, and it made
me feel unique to be named after someone he loved so dearly. However, it seemed that my
father looked at me not as an individual but as an embodiment of her, so I did my best to
shield my father from any suffering, given that his own childhood was fraught with pain. I
endeavored to be well-behaved and sweet, striving to intuit precisely what he wanted and
how he felt in every moment. I became adept at detecting his emotions and responding to
his needs. Witnessing my father sad or angry was something I couldn’t bear, and I tried to
take care of him, creating an environment that put him at ease while doing everything
possible to please him. This pattern carried over into my relationships with men.

Ambiguous in Sexuality

In particular, the Sexual E3 woman seeks to allure and please. However, when the other
person is drawn to her, she becomes anxious and uncertain about how to proceed. The
phrase “Look at me but do not touch me” suits her well. She feels valued simply by being
seen and desired, and often, that’s enough. She can engage in behaviors that provoke the
other person to pursue her. She uses sexuality as a means of seeking protection and
tenderness, which becomes sexualized and serves as a substitute for sex. Sexuality
becomes a performance, where she embodies both erotic excitement and shyness.

This inclination often leads to frigidity since, by using her sexuality to garner attention from
others, she leaves little space to experience genuine pleasure. Spontaneity is challenging
for her, and her sexual desire is transformed into a desire for the other’s affection.

She invests significant attention in maintaining her appearance, not to feel better but to look
better. Yet, she tends to dissociate from her own body. Her body becomes a domain over
which she exerts control, using it to bolster her image. As a result, it’s not unusual for her to
struggle to fully let go during intimate moments, and there’s a disconnection between her
physical and emotional experiences.

The Sexual E3 woman may often be drawn to very dominant, even abusive men. It’s
common to find Sexual E3 women in relationships with Enneatype 8 men. She may
provoke, resist, submit, and can even invite aggression because being treated forcefully or
violently makes her feel alive. She can go from a violent partner who terrifies her to a
gentle, sensitive one, whom she may then dismiss as weak and boring.

She uses her sexuality as a means of resolving issues, pleasing others, and even tolerating
mistreatment to avoid conflict or rejection. On occasion, this leads her to a breaking point
where she might respond with sudden bursts of explosive anger. She can become trapped
in a cycle of indulging, feeling victimized, getting angry, exploding, feeling guilty, and then
returning to submission and indulgence. Escaping this pattern necessitates recognizing her
role in these dynamics and taking responsibility for her actions. It also involves facing
feelings of emptiness and desolation while relinquishing the objects she clings to as a
means of avoiding self-reflection.

In order to avoid the void and a lack of emotions, the Sexual E3 spends their life in pursuit
of intense sensations. This quest leads to tumultuous relationships and a penchant for
danger, which serves as a way to feel alive and escape the feelings of sadness, boredom,
and dissatisfaction.

Throughout my life, I’ve actively sought out intense relationships that come with an
element of risk. I’m able to do this because of the stability I find within my marriage and my
role as a mother. It’s a paradoxical situation because, on one hand, what I desire most is the
love and security provided by my husband and our family. Yet, there are times when I
become bored, as if I’m only clinging to the illusion that my husband and children are the
key to my happiness.

To combat this sense of dissatisfaction, I often look outside my relationship for someone
new, reigniting that sense of conquest, feeling desired, and experiencing life with renewed
intensity.

Initially, this can be alluring and effectively fills the void. However, it always leads to a
dead-end where I lose touch with my true emotions, resulting in feelings of dishonesty and
guilt. This is when I come face to face with the emotions I work so hard to avoid: sadness,
emptiness, and confusion.

As for the Sexual E3 man, he might project a confident and aggressive exterior, although
deep down, he feels insecure.

My sexual interactions with women are a complex matter; they encompass a spectrum of
emotions, ranging from utilitarianism to even elements of disdain. On one end, there are
dark and unsettling moments, where I feel the unsavory pleasure one might associate with
a vulture-wolf crudely probing the dismembered body of its prey. However, there are also
brighter aspects, some of which are superficial, revolving around my prowess and
performance. Then, there are more subtle moments when I’ve genuinely appreciated the
unique beauty of each person’s body. And beyond all of this lies an ineffable sense of
euphoria, like an invisible light that sometimes accompanies a post-ecstasy sensation, as if
saying, “Thank you, God, now I can die,” after reaching the heights of pleasure.

I’ve never been one to engage in sexual encounters periodically. In fact, if the initiative
solely depended on me, I might still be a virgin. Despite the mask I present, I’m constantly
plagued by insecurities and a lingering fear of rejection.
Devalued

The Sexual E3 subtype exhibits a propensity toward depressive tendencies. They often
experience a deeper sense of sadness and may perceive themselves as less valuable
compared to the other two subtypes. To compensate for this feeling, they rely on their
image, charm, smiles, and a consistently pleasant demeanor. It’s as if they believe they
must “pay” for their right to exist and may even carry a sense of guilt for their very being. In
many cases, they feel like a burden on their family, prompting them to adopt a trouble-free,
helpful, and unobtrusive persona.

When the Sexual E3 subtype experiences a significant breakdown or crisis, they often
confront their inner selves without the necessary ego structure to support them. This can
lead to profound despair and self-destructive tendencies. They struggle with accepting the
truth that their life might not live up to their illusions. Overcoming this deep-seated issue
usually involves personal growth work, connecting with something greater, and learning to
value themselves simply for being, even though they have long felt unworthy. As they
regain more personal freedom and begin pursuing their desires, they tend to become less
anxious about being loved. This shift signals a resurgence of their instinctual drive, as if to
say, “You should take an interest in me, because now I’m interested in myself.”

A background of sadness and an underlying sense of fragility are constant companions for
the Sexual E3. They experience a prevailing inner loneliness, which they often try to escape
by seeking connections, particularly with individuals of the opposite sex. These connections
offer a form of narcissistic nourishment but don’t address their sense of loneliness. Their
self-esteem, deeply affected by childhood experiences, is not easily healed through a
romantic partnership.

As children, they learned to keep their emotions to themselves, cry in solitude, and find
solutions independently. Not feeling entitled to express their emotions has left them feeling
unworthy and hopeless, as if they are in debt to the world and are compelled to give
without receiving.

When I was young, I couldn’t express my emotions, especially sadness. I would pretend
everything was fine and sneak away to cry in the bathroom. There, in solitude, I could
finally release the pain of not feeling loved and not feeling good enough.

They learned to devalue themselves and constantly compare themselves to others, as

evidenced by this testimony:

If someone criticizes me, it feels like a dagger to the heart, but I often believe it’s true—that
I’m stupid and don’t know anything. I place so much trust in what others say that I get
easily confused, especially if it’s coming from my partner. When we fight or argue, I usually
end up convinced that he’s right in all his accusations. It’s all too simple for me to
undermine myself.

They tend to idealize those around them, be it friends, teachers, or, above all, their partner.
They can’t help but place them on a pedestal. Recognizing this enormous idealization is a
challenge, as it’s common for them to overlook others’ flaws and only see their shining
qualities. Their virtues seem exceptional, worthy of praise, and worth
emulating—essentially, a desirable guidepost and proof that perfection is attainable
(presumably through hard work and effort).

This tendency to idealize others masks a desire to be treated in a similar manner. The
Sexual E3 idealizes others with the hope of being idealized themselves, craving to be
treated as uniquely special and for the other person to see only their virtues, offering praise
and recognition. Such an attitude conceals a dual deception. First, it involves failing to
acknowledge their longing for unconditional love and admiration. Secondly, it entails
treating others in a way that doesn’t truly reflect their genuine feelings, leaving them in a
state of confusion on uncertain ground.

The sudden revelation of the other person’s true nature can trigger a substantial crisis. It
may lead to a complete denial of all the virtues they once admired so greatly, ultimately
causing them to flee the relationship and accuse the other of deception.

They’ll then turn their attention elsewhere (to a friend, teacher, or a new partner) in search
of someone who will finally meet their expectations. This is a way to evade facing the harsh
reality that the deception was partly their own doing.

Shy and Insecure

It could be said that Sexual E3s, especially women, tend to be shy, often described as
well-behaved and quiet. They carry a perpetual sense of being the “eternal good girls.”
Shyness becomes more apparent in group settings or when interacting with authority
figures.

This subtype is the most insecure among the three, as their self-devaluation is quite
pronounced. Having placed such immense value on their physical appearance, they often
have fewer internal resources. They may appear somewhat emotionally numb, struggling to
express themselves and feeling like there’s an emptiness inside. When they engage in
emotional connections, they tend to become anxious and may withdraw.

In situations involving public exposure, they feel extremely vulnerable. Having not received
much attention during childhood, they tend to feel lost when the spotlight is on them as
adults. They wish to remain invisible, while simultaneously yearning to be the center of
attention.

Becoming cold, immobilized, and unsure of how to act is a common response for this
subtype. In their uncertainty about the right course of action, they often remain still,
observing the behavior of those around them to determine the best approach. These are
moments of great inner turmoil, where they protect themselves by not committing to
anything or anyone, least of all to their own emotions. During this tense waiting, they may
adopt a distant and stoic demeanor, sometimes accentuated by a pleasant smile or polite
words due to their inclination towards beauty, while buying time to decipher what is
expected of them.

I recall a situation at my university when my mathematics teacher, someone I greatly

admired, asked if he could join me for coffee. I felt a tremor run through my body, but I
managed to say yes. However, I went blank, feeling foolish and uncertain about what to say
or how to behave. I was convinced that anything I said or did would be invalid and likely
met with criticism. I learned to control my trembling, which was a significant personal
achievement. Internally, I still felt anxious, but outwardly, I managed to hide it.

In my pursuit of acting, I completed six years of the Stanislavski method and then studied
other acting techniques to be well-prepared as an actor. While I could maintain a calm
composure on stage, in my everyday life, I often played a role of shyness. The theater
allowed me to explore various facets of my personality, including violence, anger, or
vulnerability.

Performing on stage demanded perfection, and I spent endless hours preparing. I would go
to sleep and wake up with the script and my character’s motivation in mind—all of this to
please, of course.

Naive

The Sexual E3 often denies their intuition and sensitivity, viewing them as sources of
emotional and relational chaos. They have learned to suppress these qualities, instead
presenting a facade of false confidence and gentleness. Although they possess
perceptiveness, they either repress or disconnect from their sensations, appearing oblivious
to what’s happening. This is done to maintain a pleasing facade and secure love, even if it
means being deceived by their partner. Expressing what they truly perceive risks
confronting aggression, acknowledging things they dislike, or fearing rejection.
My lab teacher once invited me to train a little rat, telling me that I was his best student. I
eagerly accepted the opportunity, feeling important and noticed. The training involved
gently stroking the rat’s paws, but I didn’t notice his seductive behavior until I saw wetness
on his pants. Shocked and uncertain, I wondered, “Is he trying to seduce me?” The teacher
mentioned that I would teach this process to others, and I merely nodded in response,
saying nothing.

When the Sexual E3 begins self-discovery and inner work, they gradually reconnect with
their desires and intuition. The barrier hindering their perception of sensation starts to
dissolve, allowing them to confront difficult truths. They evolve into highly intuitive,
perceptive individuals with remarkable acumen for understanding others. Their
hypersensitivity then serves not only to perceive what others need but also to understand
how they feel. They can become deeply empathetic and compassionate.

Chameleonic

The Sexual E3 often becomes a chameleon, molding themselves to suit the expectations of
those around them. They appear kind, accommodating, and understanding, seeking
affection and avoiding rejection. This adaptive behavior maintains the image of an ideal
person that everyone desires. It also allows them to remain unnoticed, thus avoiding
vulnerability, confrontation, attack, or scrutiny.

This subtype’s upbringing was akin to being a loyal dog, rewarded for obedience and
performing tasks well. Much like dogs to their masters, they never show a frown, never get
angry, and always wear a smile, wagging their tails happily. One of their worst fears is
confrontation.

I always talked about myself as if I weren’t really there. I effortlessly expressed feelings
that I knew were socially acceptable in any given context. If anger was required, I would
display anger, always toeing the line, never leaving space for my own spontaneity, and
most importantly, never truly understanding what I felt.

The sexual subtype was acknowledged only when they met others’ expectations, never for
their personal initiative or individuality in fighting for their ideals. Being skilled in reading
others from a young age left them with an empty feeling, leading them to struggle with the
idea that living without models is impossible. They were applauded for their physical
attractiveness and seductiveness, coming to believe their existence depended solely on
their body. This fear of aging and a growing realization of being objectified haunts them.
A friend of mine says that I can be “Mountain Barbie” one day, “Intellectual Barbie” the next,
and “Connected Barbie” some other time… whatever is needed at the moment. This gives
my life meaning, and I never feel disconnected. In fact, I’ve never felt more in touch with my
deepest desires. My entire life seems to make sense when I adapt to others, becoming a bit
like them. I have an intense urge to almost completely merge with the other person, and I’m
willing to sacrifice my life for it. It’s a joyful and desirable sacrifice that I’ll reap the benefits
of later, but for now, I make the time to be filled with enthusiasm and feel like I have the
wings to accomplish whatever the relationship demands of me. (The funny thing is, now I’m
thinking… Well, maybe it’s not so bad after all.)

Frivolous and Superficial

The Sexual E3 tends to trivialize emotions and difficult situations. They often remain on the
surface, adopting a permanent childlike state as a defense mechanism to evade taking
responsibility for their life. At times, they struggle to engage in situations that require
intellectual depth and prefer to stay within their comfort zone, where they feel accepted for
their physical beauty, almost like an attractive decoration. By assuming these roles, whether
as a man, woman, or object, they find a sense of security. This allows them to avoid
self-reflection, a prospect that terrifies them because they have a limited understanding of
who they really are.

I remember being at a dinner with my boyfriend, Luis, when I noticed him increasingly
focusing his attention on my friend Laura, who was captivating a group of men with a
conversation about the latest Woody Allen movie and relationships. I began to feel
inadequate and even envious of Laura. I also wanted to kill Luis. However, I concealed my
true feelings and started chatting with Carlos, one of the most attractive guys at the party.
While Carlos was talking to me, I overheard Luis expressing a deep connection with Laura,
making it seem as though they had a history together. I couldn’t bear it any longer! I
abruptly excused myself, claiming an early morning meeting, and left the gathering, hoping
no one had noticed my emotional turmoil. To my disappointment, Luis didn’t follow me. I
spent the entire night in tears. The next day, I met up with Veronica and accompanied her to
shop for a new dress. As we explored the store, my thoughts drifted toward how I might
look in the beautiful dress displayed in the window. I temporarily escaped my pain by
daydreaming about Luis’s reaction when he saw me looking so sensual and attractive. In
that moment, there was only room for fantasies about rekindling my boyfriend’s interest.
Controlled

One of the deepest fears of the Sexual E3 is losing control and going crazy. The need to
maintain the ideal self forces them into a state of rigid control over both their body and
mind. Anything that could escape their control and jeopardize their carefully constructed
image is a source of profound terror. As a defensive response, they uphold a stiff structure,
both mentally and physically, much like a steel beam supporting the edifice of their self.
When faced with difficult situations in childhood, they used this structure to feel secure and
supported.

My family home lacked the structure that was commonplace in other households. My father
struggled with substance abuse, and my mother was either busy caring for him or sunk into
her own depression. In this environment, I learned early on to handle things independently
and avoid becoming a burden, given the numerous existing problems. I developed a strong
sense of self-reliance and structure, which offered me a sense of security as a child.
However, over time, I became very rigid mentally. I make agendas all the time, which I have
to perfectly adhere to. I’m afraid of the spontaneity of my own body, and that is why I walk
around like I’m stiff and restrained.

In the first few months of my life, my mother meticulously controlled every aspect of my
daily routine, to the point where I wouldn’t even soil my diapers. She would spend long
periods of time with me, holding me down on a potty trainer until I did my business, after
which I would wash myself and put on a fresh diaper. Then she would brag about how
immaculate her little girl was to all her friends. As I grew older, some of those friends told
me about this, sighing with admiration.

Through my personal growth journey, I’ve come to understand the root causes of my
long-standing issues with constipation, fluid retention that causes bloating, and my
remarkably high tolerance for pain. For years, I felt embarrassed when I felt the urge to pee
(I’ve always had a hard time using that word). I would hold it in without saying anything
until I couldn’t take it anymore. If I was at a friend’s house or went to a public toilet, I would
squeeze very hard when peeing so that no one could hear me. I perceived it as something
wrong and shameful. It was as if I weren’t allowed to have such needs, or having them
rendered me imperfect, vulnerable, and therefore undeserving of love.

This compulsion for control extends to many aspects of life, driven by the illusion of
mastering everything without exposing vulnerability. This very mechanism is how Sexual
E3s inadvertently prevent themselves from fully engaging in their relationships. Their
self-preservation strategy involves satisfying the needs of others, all to avoid delving into
their true selves, where they fear they’ll find nothing deserving of love or admiration.
At the time of orgasm, I’ve realized that I squeeze in the same way I do my sphincters. It
took me extensive effort and personal growth to learn to let go, which meant overcoming
the shame of experiencing sensations, along with the fear of being consumed by the other
person.

This self-control also obstructs the ability to recognize their fundamental needs and
desires, often prioritizing those of their parents over their own. They believe that adhering
to this false image they’ve crafted is paramount. This learned method of restraining the
body’s natural impulses gives them a sense of power over themselves.

In this context, multiple eating disorders within this subtype can be seen as an attempt to
sculpt not just a physically ideal body, conforming to a fashion-based image, but also as a
way to regulate emotions and sexual desires, preventing a complete surrender to pleasure.
In the case of Sexual E3 women with anorexia, we might interpret their condition as a way
of communicating a “No” through their body. This “No” is directed towards various aspects,
including the abuse they’ve endured (both emotional and sexual), their dependency on
others, and the pressure to conform to a superficial, castrating idea of femininity present in
our culture. In essence, they convey this “I don’t want you, I won’t accept you” message
through their control over their body. This control can manifest as extreme dieting or
vomiting after eating, essentially saying, “Give me what I need,” because they struggle to
nourish themselves with their own emotional energy. By doing this, the daughter maintains
a sense of authority over her physical and mental space. Simultaneously, she exerts a level
of control over her mother, resisting her expectations and demands with a silent, yet
powerful, “No,” a resistance that could extend to the point of self-harm or even death.

This struggle also involves controlling others. Just as the mother exercised control over her
child, pushing him to become the son who adhered precisely to her idealized image, the son
learns to reciprocate control over the mother. He not only absorbs her desires and needs
but also monitors her actions and movements to be prepared for any potential threats or to
act preemptively. This need for control also serves as a shield against the underlying fear,
which can lead to various misunderstandings of others’ motives, including jealousy, envy,
and competition.

Cold, Hard, Insensitive

A person with this character often comes across as emotionally distant, primarily due to
their tendency to suppress feelings. Fear, which is one of the most repressed emotions in
E3, is often more connected to the sexual subtype, making them appear more sensitive and
vulnerable. They carry a significant fear of conflict and avoid confronting it, which can make
them seem somewhat robotic or emotionally detached. This avoidance stems from the fear
that acknowledging any conflict will shatter the carefully constructed illusion they’ve built.
It’s as though their façade is so fragile that even the smallest disturbance could cause
everything to crumble, like a house of cards.

The Sexual E3 perceives aggression as catastrophic, even if it means enduring abuse. They
might not recognize aggression in others or may downplay its significance, struggling to
distinguish between reality and delusion, often doubting their own perceptions.

"When I have relationship problems, I tend to avoid addressing them altogether. But when
the situation becomes unavoidable, I feel a deep sense of fear, like I don’t have the
resources to handle it. I immediately jump to the conclusion that the relationship might end,
and I convince myself, ‘It’s not that big of a deal… He’s overreacting.’ I do this because I fear
revisiting the painful aspects of my personal history, where survival meant shutting down
emotions and pretending not to see the truth."

Their capacity to remain calm and composed in extreme situations, such as accidents or acts
of violence, stems from their emotional detachment and the control they exert over
themselves. This detachment is a defense mechanism developed during difficult childhood
experiences, helping them distance themselves from emotional pain. As a result, they often
observe their life as if they were a passive spectator.

"Pain doesn’t exist for me. I build a wall around myself to make sure nothing can penetrate.
I control myself so much that I may come across as cold. What helps me is slowing down
and acknowledging that I might be hurting, rather than convincing myself that I’m
unaffected by criticism or personal attacks. This way, I can reconnect with the part of me
that feels pain."

Perfectionist

The Sexual E3 channels their perfectionism predominantly into their physical appearance.
Their main motivation is to attract admiration and desire, something they strongly identify
with. They fear the passage of time and the potential loss of their beauty, leading them to
meticulously curate both their external and internal image. They present themselves as the
ideal mother, friend, and partner. When they’re emotionally down, they might resort to
cosmetic alterations to mask their inner turmoil. They invest significant time and money into
clothing, cosmetics, and anything that enhances their physical appeal. Some of their
exhibitionism is a mask to cover up feelings of shame, insecurity, and fear.

"I spent an unhealthy amount of time obsessing over perfecting my dance moves. I
practiced extra hours, even injected myself with vitamins to keep up. It frustrated me when
my teacher pointed out my lack of expression and projection. I repeated the routines
endlessly until I finally succeeded, but the cost was high. My motivation? I imagined my
boyfriend watching me. I thought if he saw how flawless I was, he’d love me more. Even
during rehearsals, I pictured him watching my every move. Now, I see my perfectionism
reflected in how I care for my children. I want to create an environment where they never
suffer and everything is harmonious."

A significant aspect of their perfectionism revolves around the fear of failure. They dread
falling short and would rather give up than risk making a mistake. Admitting faults or
accepting criticism is challenging, as it threatens their perfect self-image. They resist
acknowledging imperfection, fearing it would disrupt the ideal world they’ve created. They
defend this image fiercely, often rationalizing their childhood or justifying red flags in their
relationships. Exposing others' flaws also exposes their own, and that’s unbearable for
them.

Critical/Demanding

Maintaining this image requires immense self-imposed pressure. Their standards extend to
others, and they cannot tolerate anything less than perfection. This drive for order and
harmony isn’t always apparent on the surface, but it’s what drives them underneath. They
work hard to preserve a world of perfection because any deviation causes them deep
distress.

"I view my perfectionism as linked to the way I imagine things—how I plan them. If
everything is perfect, everything will be harmonious. If I’m perfect, my partner and my
family will be perfect too. I fear chaos. My fantasy is that everything will fall apart if it’s not
perfect. I spend a lot of energy on this, which leads me to demand perfection from myself
and others, especially my partner. I see every mistake and point it out with precision. I
become a disciplinarian, trying to educate my partner to remove anything that disrupts our
harmony. I end up becoming a nightmare, obsessing over errors."

Outside of intimate relationships, they struggle to give open, direct criticism. Instead, they
might gossip or leave their critiques unsaid. Envy often lies beneath these criticisms—an
emotion they rarely allow themselves to feel, stemming from their own low self-esteem.
Acknowledging the worth of others is difficult for them, as it threatens their self-image and
sense of worth.
Efficient

Efficiency plays a central role in the Sexual E3’s strategy. While they may not be as efficient
as the Self-Preservation subtype, they can accomplish what they set out to do if the
outcome impacts their relationships. This efficiency is not about achieving professional
success but about maintaining the superficial image of the "perfect" person worthy of love:

"I strive for efficiency, orderliness, and everything to be in its place. My home must be
immaculate, and I expect the same of the person I live with, though I won’t explicitly ask
them to do it. I hope they understand how crucial this is to me."

This efficiency, like their perfectionism, revolves around emotional relationships. It’s about
maintaining an image of being the perfect person, rather than focusing on personal or
professional success.

Competitive/Envious

The Sexual E3 can become intensely competitive, especially when they perceive rivals
threatening their hold on someone’s affection. In romantic relationships, they may feel
jealousy and envy, though they rarely express it directly. Their competition is more subtle,
aiming to appear as the most attractive, kind, and helpful without overtly acknowledging
the competition for a loved one’s affection. They often experience diminished self-worth
and frequently compare themselves to others. They look for validation externally, unable to
find an internal sense of worth. This competitiveness is particularly pronounced with
individuals of the same gender.

Aggression and Rage

Like all Enneagram Three personalities, the Sexual E3 suppresses and denies their anger. In
childhood, they were expected to be charming and well-behaved, and expressing anger
would have contradicted these parental expectations. Anger, for them, meant revealing a
hidden, unacceptable inner world.

As a result, the Sexual E3 often projects their aggression onto others, provoking abuse to
accuse the aggressor while avoiding responsibility for their own hostility. Sometimes, they
repress their rage so completely that they don’t even feel it. But when it surfaces, it can
come out in an overwhelming, hysterical manner. This outburst is the only form of anger
they permit themselves to express, as they view it as uncontrollable and outside their
responsibility. Panic attacks are another way they channel their rage, common among
Sexual E3s. These attacks serve to express their suffering, fear, and discomfort, yet
paradoxically, they reinforce their feelings of inadequacy and dependency on others.

Somatizer

Somatization is a way to express what remains hidden in the unconscious. The Sexual E3’s
disconnection from their body and emotions leads to physical symptoms representing
suppressed feelings. It’s as though the body is trying to express what the individual refuses
to acknowledge.

These symptoms can include issues with expression, like throat problems or jaw tension,
reflecting the difficulty in communicating anger. They might also experience skin rashes,
symbolizing dissatisfaction, or digestive problems, representing the struggle to process
emotions. Despite these physical manifestations, the Sexual E3 continues to believe that
everything is fine until a more severe crisis or relationship conflict forces them to confront
the truth.

Disconnected

This character tends to employ dissociation and denial as mechanisms to prevent intense
emotions from surfacing. They become skilled at disconnecting from reality and inhabiting
an idealized world, which, in turn, makes them emotionally insensitive in their relationships.

At the beginning of my therapeutic process, I believed I could easily access deeper aspects
of myself and confront my darker traits, like perfectionism, manipulation, and the games in
my relationship, which led me to therapy. However, I’ve come to realize that I have a
protective shell and experience moments of disconnection, where I go blank. This can be
frustrating because I attend intensive workshops but struggle to integrate what I’ve
learned. My growth feels stagnant, largely due to this disconnection. It seems to stem from
my fear of growing up, of leaving behind the little girl to whom I’ve given power. I’m afraid
to embrace the imperfect woman I am and fear plummeting into the abyss of imperfection.

Anxious

Anxiety often arises when the Sexual E3 faces the fear of their emotions spiraling out of
control. It is a threat more hysterical than narcissistic. Additionally, the sexual subtype may
grapple with guilt; they fear making mistakes and tend to self-accuse, especially when
there’s a possibility of someone, particularly a partner, becoming angry.

I frequently notice myself feeling highly anxious as I ‘keep busy,’ and upon deeper
reflection, I recognize that this anxiety is usually linked to anger or conflict within intimate
relationships. This drives me to control my emotions because I dread the chaos that can
arise if I allow my feelings to explode, which has happened before. When I lose clarity
during these emotional moments, I’m left with a sense of guilt and unworthiness for not
handling things perfectly. Consequently, I often find myself caught in a struggle between
suppressing anxiety, stemming from this fear, and learning to resist impulsive reactions.

I recognize that, in my case, anxiety is closely linked to the need to be constantly striving.
It’s like an internal race that awakens with me each morning, propelling me to stay busy
and maintain a constant mindset that I must achieve everything and complete all my tasks.
The irony is that I’m the one imposing these fictitious obligations on myself.

Proud/Arrogant

The Sexual E3 has grown accustomed to self-reliance and rarely resorts to asking for
assistance. This pattern often emerges from a sense of competition, particularly between
the woman and her mother, due to the unique bond established with the father.
Simultaneously, she might find herself inadvertently taking on a caregiving role for her
mother, fulfilling her mother’s need for care. This role isn’t inherently hers, but despite the
underlying need, her pride prevents her from stepping into the daughter’s shoes and
seeking help.

Asking for help tarnishes the facade of perfection that the Sexual E3 endeavors to present
to the world. It signifies that something is lacking or problematic, which resonates with
their family experiences. This poses a significant threat not only to their self-deception of
being perfect but also to their relationships, which have been built upon the illusion of
being the ideal partner who promises eternal love and happiness.

I’ve encountered this recurrent theme in my life, where I refrain from discussing difficulties
or problems, even when potential solutions are within reach. This has led me to project an
image of complete self-sufficiency, emphasizing control, and effectively suppressing my
genuine emotions. As a result, I’ve grown more detached from my true self over time.

In many instances, I’ve faced significant challenges. In my teenage years, I navigated a

difficult situation entirely on my own, such as having an abortion. Later in life, I’ve
encountered various relationship issues. Yet, I’ve never found the courage to voice my
concerns at home or to my parents. I never sought help or expressed my difficulties, fears,
pain, or mistakes.

Emotionality and Fantasy

The Sexual E3 is hypersensitive but has become adept at concealing socially unacceptable
emotions, such as anger and disgust. They have developed significant control over masking
this hypersensitivity and their inherent vulnerability. Their true emotions find an outlet
primarily in solitude or within the close circle of people they trust, such as family or a
partner, where they feel comfortable venting their anger, grievances, and frustration.

This subtype is particularly susceptible to criticism and strives to evade it to maintain

harmony. Criticism is perceived as a dire threat, triggering a cascade of defensive
mechanisms stemming from their fragility, inferiority complex, and fear. They cannot bear to
be questioned and despise experiencing fear, which they view as an entirely forbidden
emotion. They learned as children that being self-sufficient was necessary, and they hold
an irrational belief that exhibiting fear and weakness will result in rejection. Embracing fear,
when it is allowed to be felt, is both painful and liberating. The fear of fear causes more
suffering than going through the actual emotion, as it offers a chance to finally shed the
mask. Their most profound fear is, in reality, encountering true love and being able to
surrender to it.

As a child, I projected an image of being a very good girl, and I learned not to burden
people with my emotions. I carry a sense of having been a very sad and unprotected child,
who felt that sadness but never expressed it when others were present. To escape from
that melancholy, I created numerous fantasies, especially those featuring a typical, loving
family. These fantasies were closely guarded secrets, and I would act them out with
imaginary friends when I was alone.

The inner child’s sadness remains ever-present but concealed or avoided. Occasionally, a
glimpse of it may surface, shrouded in an aura of mystery, which the Sexual E3 uses as a
form of seduction. When their romantic fantasies are not fulfilled, this sadness becomes
more visible and can transform into a chronic depressive state. This often leads to reliance
on drugs or anything that may help them avoid confronting their emotional world. The
repressed rage tends to manifest as physical illness. Despite their internal struggles, they
predominantly project a facade of joy and exhibit a positive attitude even when they feel
the opposite. The prevailing mantra is: “Everything is fine.”

When I feel down, fragile, and helpless, I can summon a wellspring of strength from God
knows where to avoid revealing my vulnerability and jump onto the enthusiasm
bandwagon, either by engaging in other people’s projects or pursuing my own. It’s an
attempt to escape pain and suffering. That’s why many people see me as cheerful and fun.

A disconnection from the emotional realm and a delayed response characterize this person.
In the world of perpetual enthusiasm, where everything must appear perfect, any emotions
deemed painful or unsightly, such as anger or aggression, are disconnected from. There’s
the vain idea that public breakdowns are not an option. Enthusiasm is highly praised, while
pain is shunned. Coexisting with this perspective is the false belief that revealing the “ugly”
side will result in abandonment. This falsehood becomes particularly painful as they
become more self-aware.

During my teenage years, I recall experiencing a sort of hysterical emotional outburst. I

began to express all the pent-up rebellion and anger I had bottled up throughout my
childhood. I unleashed this at home with intense fits of screaming and crying. In social
settings, I hardly expressed anything and often appeared almost autistic. I could spend an
entire afternoon with friends without uttering a single word. I developed a profound fear of
saying the wrong thing.

Their excessive need for control stems from constantly living under the scrutiny of other
people’s judgment. There’s an underlying fear of losing control, even though there’s also a
fascination with the idea of letting go and a strong attraction to drugs or alcohol; these
individuals are highly susceptible to addiction due to the rigid control they maintain and the
complementary desire to relinquish it.

I used to get high a lot, looking to feel intense emotions, or at least that’s what I told myself.
In reality, what I was looking for was a way not to feel, and I found my escape in heroin. It
made me feel content because nothing mattered, not even death. I could attend social
gatherings without worrying about my image. This was a great relief.

In group social situations, they yearn to be the most liked and cherished person, but their
fear of saying something inappropriate often makes them appear reserved and not very
participative. Overcoming this shyness can be a challenge, as it leaves them feeling
invisible. When they do manage to open up, enduring fantasies plague them, convincing
them that they’ve committed unforgivable atrocities that will lead to severe consequences,
like criticism and the withdrawal of affection. The underlying belief is that people cannot
love them as they are, so they have to exert extreme self-control.

Fantasy holds a significant place in their life, particularly the fantasy of finding that
extraordinary love that will recognize their uniqueness and save them from the pain and
sadness they’ve experienced. Their dreams often revolve around a romantic, movie-like
love, complete with a family and children. During adolescence, this fantasy looms large,
along with the aspiration of conquering the most challenging lover.
When I was thirteen years old, I dreamt one night that I was at the bus stop to go to school,
and a man arrived, dressed in clothes from another century, riding a horse. He invited me to
join him, and together, we soared to a distant planet far from Earth. I knew instantly that he
was the man I had always longed for, and that he was going to take me to our sanctuary,
where I would be free from suffering. We arrived at our little house, and I felt so loved and
fulfilled that I never wanted to return to Earth. This dream felt incredibly vivid and precious
to me. Whenever the harsh realities of life, fueled by a sense of being unloved, became too
much to bear, I would conjure it again in my mind. It was a way of consoling myself, and I
was left with the certainty that one day, I would find a man who would love me just like the
man in the dream, and thus end my suffering in the world.

The Sexual E3 faces immense difficulty in embracing the reality of their life. Their
expectations of themselves are so inflated, so grandiloquent, that they frequently find
themselves in a state of avoidance. Part of their habit of daydreaming is related to the
feeling that they should be somewhere else, somewhere better, that they certainly deserve
it, and that what the present has to offer is so frighteningly vulgar and uninteresting... Since
they feel that life has to offer them something more, something thrilling and fitting for the
grand illusions they’ve nurtured, they often take little initiative to change their
circumstances. This initial frustration eventually breeds a contempt for people and everyday
situations not considered attractive enough, and a defiant resistance to moments lacking in
intensity, beauty, and harmony. This eventually leads to a kind of selectivity, where some
individuals are distinguished from others, and the chosen ones are those capable of infusing
life with beauty and distinction.

The sexual subtype will persistently indulge in their fantasies, even if they can’t put them
into practice or don’t know how to, ultimately appearing as a dream addict while, in reality,
remaining a great absentee in the emotional world.

Childhood

As various accounts and reports reveal, Sexual E3 individuals tend to prioritize their
parents’ needs over their own. The family atmosphere is often charged with tension and
emotional deficiencies, rather than being a nurturing space.

Their tendency to override their own needs stems from a continuous effort to be a good son
or daughter, so that things go smoothly. They often conform to societal norms, attempting
to fit into predefined gender roles and ideals of a perfect family. The belief is that by
becoming what others desire, they will gain love, so they become astute observers, highly
attuned to fulfilling the needs of others, mastering the art to perfection. Little by little, their
genuine and spontaneous selves are replaced by a facade of conformity. By sacrificing
individuality, the drive for personal growth, they lose their intrinsic value. This self-denial,
renouncing life, pleasure, and Eros, plunges them into anxiety and persistent feelings of
worthlessness and guilt.

The child thus identifies with the values of the parents, and makes them their own. Most of
them recognize that they have internalized the values, desires, and unfulfilled expectations
of the mother, unconsciously taking on the impossible task of giving her back the
satisfaction, happiness, or fulfillment she was unable to experience. In women, this often
results in a complex bond with the mother, oscillating between identifying with her
aspirations and fearing her as a potential rival for the father. In men, identification with the
mother can lead to a conflictual relationship with the father, as they position themselves as
the ideal man by her side.

Parental relationships become even more intricate due to the significant role of seduction
from the mother to the son, or the father to the daughter. Sensual, sometimes sexual
attention directed by one of the parents blurs the line between the child’s desire for
confirmation and love and the parent’s own desires, often tinged with a sexual element.
The child learns to be invaded, manipulated, or abused and, most importantly, learns to use
their body to gain privileges.

This way, it already becomes apparent that in the childhood of a Sexual E3 two central
elements coexist. On one hand, there’s the seduction aimed at shaping the child into what
the parents desire—a vessel for their needs or a trophy. On the other hand, there’s control
and authoritarianism from one or both parents. Within this context, there is room for
humiliation, abuse, disqualification, and aggression.

This maternal or paternal need for control and possession diminishes the child’s sense of
self. By being seen as someone who fulfills others’ needs or voids rather than as an
individual, the child ends up developing a narcissistic personality, confused between who
they truly are and the image they represent to others. They create the image their parents
dictate as ideal and become experts at suppressing anything that doesn’t reflect it or
contradicts it. In public, they are made to feel special and superior, serving as a showpiece.
In private, they are discredited, as it is easier to control an insecure and ashamed child.

I was a dependent and submissive child, unable to say “No,” protest, or express my
dissenting feelings. There was too much at stake. I was put by my mother between herself
and my father, to emasculate him and show him that his son could provide what he couldn’t
for her. So I stopped being a happy child. I guess my mother had a big void to fill, because
her sadness eventually overshadowed my joy.
I couldn’t bear to see her cry. My only older brother and I were in a competition for her
attention. But he has no qualms about letting her down, and that got me closer to her. This
also created a rift between us, and we didn’t play much together, lacking a strong bond in
childhood and youth.

Sexual E3s typically didn’t have a secure mother-child relationship, and as a result, they
faced the process of individuation and a longing to go towards the father. There is a deep
sense of oral dissatisfaction. The primary bond with their parents was unsatisfactory, and
they continue searching for that missing connection in their romantic relationships. They
remain stuck in a triangular dynamic, unable to fully embrace their mother or trust their
father who may have been an absent or exploitative figure. The feeling of having been
seduced and betrayed by the parent of the opposite sex carries over into their romantic
relationships, where they maintain a longing for dependency.

Without realizing it, I was gradually becoming my mother’s husband during my

adolescence. My father was absent, effectively nonexistent, and I assumed his place by
becoming responsible and efficient, making decisions that were beyond my role as a son or
my age. From that point on, I adopted a more serious, rigid personality, with little sense of
humor and sometimes even embarrassment about laughing, having a good time, or
enjoying the moment. The message was clear: there’s no time for pleasure, pleasure is
unproductive.

Sometimes in the family of a Sexual E3 there is chaos; sometimes rigidity, authoritarianism,

and repression. However, a consistent theme is that the parents are emotionally
unavailable to meet their child’s needs for affection and connection. It creates in them a
feeling of guilt for existing; there are things more important in the family than themselves,
so they have to adapt, listen, be obedient, and please.

In chaotic family situations, which can involve issues like alcoholism or violence, they learn
to adapt to avoid creating additional conflicts, and resolving situations allows them to be
seen and feel “loved.”

From a very young age, my needs were often overlooked, and the family setting, far from
being a place of refuge, was a constant source of tension, fear, and suffering. I was born the
seventh of seven children, after a string of three girls and three boys, so my birth tipped the
scales. I soon learned that to be loved I had to pay “my dues,” and take on tasks that were
not typically expected of a girl.
As far back as I can remember, from around the age of five or six, when my father
overindulged in alcohol, my mother would urge or even force me to mediate and resolve
conflicts between the two of them, which generally took place during weekend meals.
During these episodes, my mother delegated to me the responsibility of convincing my
alcoholic father to go to sleep. I spent many long Sunday afternoons trying to calm him
down and distract him, or acting as a confidant for their grievances. I soon realized that I
had to use my childhood playfulness and innocence to take care of the adults in my life,
hoping to be seen, to matter, or to be worthy of their love. My mother knew that I was my
father’s favorite daughter, and, in her ignorance, she took advantage of this by involving me
in extinguishing the fires of their disputes. Many weekends were dedicated to enduring and
witnessing their arguments. On those occasions, I wanted to free my mother from the
suffering she dramatically expressed through prolonged cries that instilled a sense of guilt
in me and my brother. Thus, I made a vow to myself never to disappoint or disillusion her
again, to avoid disobeying her, and never to give her problems or worries. I took on the
responsibility of taking care of my father during his moments of alcoholic imbalance to
spare my mother and the entire family from suffering. Sundays became heavy days, full of
sadness.

I embraced the role of being responsible for everyone’s well-being. I was always at the
forefront of dealing with economic and health problems, which were constantly present in
my family. I grew up not seeing much money and learned to survive on very little. Early on,
my professional work allowed me to live with dignity, and I see that in romantic
relationships, I tend to place myself in a certain economic dependence, as if I were
projecting on my partner the role of the provider I lacked in my early life.

The child may exaggerate emotions or experiences just to finally be seen. The absence of
contact and emotional containment can lead to submission that, in adolescence, transforms
into rebellion towards the family unit.

I became subservient and lost my self-respect. I remember when I was seven or eight years
old, I fantasized about being in the radio obituaries – that way, they would finally see me,
even if it took my death for them to notice me for who I was and not what they wanted me
to be.

I used to read my parents’ faces (especially my dad’s) to know how they were doing, and
what they needed from me. Now, I find myself doing the same with my partner – a sign of
affection can make me idealize a perfect life, a dream that many times is not real, and a sign
of rejection triggers intense panic, leading to a persistent fear of abandonment and anxiety
that drives me to take action, so that everything is fine again, and he loves me. But then, I
get angry that I had to submit, and I harden myself, I think, as a form of revenge and
protection from being hurt again.

In authoritarian families, a repressive upbringing stifles the development of the ability to

listen to one’s own signals, like knowing when you’re satisfied or understanding your own
desires and preferences. Children learn to tell themselves, “Don’t cry, don’t feel sad; you
have to be happy,” “If you do that, you’ll be disqualified or excluded.” The rules become
more important than listening to their own body signals, which must be ignored to survive;
“If I obey, I am loved.”

In the childhood of a Sexual E3, stories of punishment and disqualification by parents are
common, undermining the child’s self-worth: “For solutions, I rely on myself,” “what’s mine
is not important.”

Desire is often suppressed as it’s viewed as wrong or dangerous. The following examples
demonstrate how such repression in childhood carries over into adult life.

I stopped validating my feelings and began hiding what I considered negative. I struggled
to see the shadows in people, things, and within myself; the abuse, the dark side. I
repressed my fears.
Now I can see how much energy I spend on maintaining an image, hiding my insecurities,
and covering up what I don’t want others to see by presenting myself as nice. I had, and still
have, a deep fear of being ridiculed and a constant fear of disappointing others, leading to a
strong need for control. It’s like putting on makeup or fixing what I don’t like. Then I start
believing my lies, which leads to self-deception.
If I ever tried to voice my protest or anger, whether directed at my brother or for any reason,
I would meet with my mother’s sternness, the belt, or other severe punishments.
I remember that my mother, highly demanding, intended for me to be a “perfect” child, just
as she had been taught. I had to be a model daughter, simply for the fact that I was hers.
She wanted me to be so perfect that she wouldn’t even allow me to use the bathroom
when I felt like it. When I was a newborn baby, she would spend hours holding me down
on a potty, waiting for me to do my business. I wouldn’t even wet myself.
From a very young age, I openly rebelled against her, although it was difficult due to her
covert, underhanded tactics, involving threats to tell my father. With him it was different,
our confrontations were more direct and straightforward. Although, it felt like he wasn’t too
involved, and that it was my mother who called the shots at home; I felt unprotected. My
mother yelled at me a lot when there were no people around. She did embroidery at home,
and on many occasions when I asked her to take me to the garden, and she couldn’t due to
her work, she would slap me so I would shut up and stop insisting. Such scenes repeated
numerous times, and I couldn’t comprehend why sometimes they praised me, laughed with
me, told me how funny I was, while other times, for no apparent reason, I would receive
slaps, shouts, and furious glares.
To the outside world, I was the model daughter, earning people’s affection with my
kindness, warmth, and constant readiness to help everyone, often allowing others to take
advantage of my excessive tolerance. But at home, it was a different story; there, I was
rebellion personified.

The Sexual E3 has a hard time opening up about their experiences. Shame serves as a
barrier, making it difficult for them to access and then articulate their painful memories.
Instead, they bury them, planting a sense of emptiness and a history that feels lacking.

The important thing is to be faultless, and the fear of acknowledging and feeling these
experiences disrupts the connection between what they’ve been through and their ability to
talk about it. This can result in confusion, leaving a blank space that they sometimes fill
with fantasies to make sense of their past.

Repressed instincts and shame surrounding their needs make them feel ashamed of their
very existence. They believe that when their instincts surface, they become tainted and
flawed. All of this must remain hidden, unable to be expressed freely:

When I was nine years old and in school during an exam, I knew it was forbidden to use the
bathroom at that time. My fear of needing to urinate grew, but I couldn’t pluck up the
courage to ask the teacher for permission. My heart raced, and my body felt paralyzed and
unresponsive. I ended up peeing in my chair but couldn’t bring myself to confess it to
anyone. It was a moment of tremendous shame, and I kept it to myself. I felt as though
everyone was watching me, yet no one spoke to me, and I felt completely alone. After many
days of fear, sleepless nights, and a reluctance to attend school, I finally mustered up the
courage to confess the incident to my mother, and it provided a sense of relief. I experienced
similar situations of hiding something dirty or shameful. Additionally, a moment of sexual
play with my cousins felt like an inexpressible sin, leaving me with a feeling of being dirty
and tainted.

The Sexual E3 woman possesses a combination of fragility and strength that can be
surprisingly paradoxical. She is very feminine and sweet, but competes with strength,
something she developed during childhood in response to her male siblings and father:

I envied the freedom and privileges enjoyed by my three older male siblings. I had a lot of
energy but had to submit to my brothers, which was encouraged by my mother. I felt
oppressed by the older ones. I believe this envy of my brothers motivated a
competitiveness that I recognize in my interactions with men to this day. In my relationships
with the opposite sex, I consistently adopt a more defiant attitude, even though I
acknowledge some level of dependence on my partner. For a long time, I’ve concealed my
feelings and needs in my marital relationship, so as not to show weakness or vulnerability.

In general, individuals of this subtype often didn’t feel good about their appearance, so they
constantly try to improve it or look better to feel secure.

My appearance was never praised in childhood; quite the opposite. Inside me, there was
always a freckled and ugly girl, often subjected to criticism, who wanted to be respected
and accepted by the family. I can’t recall my mother ever bolstering my self-esteem or
offering any words of praise. The family environment wasn’t nurturing or supportive
enough. I felt alone and unprotected, at the mercy of everyone’s scrutiny and criticism. No
one cared much about my well-being.
My efforts to maintain physical attractiveness weren’t only driven by the desire to attract
attention or seduce; they almost felt like a necessity for survival and validation. One of my
fondest memories of my mother involved sitting beside her as we pored over fashion
magazines while she sewed. I was so happy, and felt so loved when she made new outfits
for me.

If knowledge is valued in the family, the Sexual E3 tends to embrace and identify with these
values, often striving for academic growth to prove their worthiness and seek love. For
many, education becomes a sanctuary, offering solace from family tension and the
pervasive sense of loneliness.

One defining moment was when I overheard my parents admiring my brother’s schoolwork.
I vividly remember how I felt at a disadvantage. I also wanted to be the object of my
parents’ admiration, and I understood that for that to happen, I had to learn to read and
write. From that day on, I relentlessly pushed to start school. Even though I wasn’t yet of
age for formal enrollment, I didn’t rest until my mother secured a special enrollment for me.

To cope with distress or anxiety in tense situations, they often employ denial to paint a rosy
picture of their family, or they resort to fantasy, play, or even lies to escape from an
uncomfortable environment. Many Sexual E3s, prior to embarking on a journey of
self-discovery, tend to portray their childhood and family as perfect, free of shadows,
sometimes even forgetting specific events. This self-deception can go to the extent of
believing that this idealized version was their lived reality. It is very difficult for individuals
of this character to open the doors to their own history, and gain self-awareness. When
they finally do, they confront experiences of suffering, various forms of abuse, physical
mistreatment, humiliating behavior, and psychological torment. For women, the facades of
the martyr mother and overly affectionate father are discarded, revealing a different truth.
As for men, images of the enigmatic, seductive mother, too closely attached to her son, and
the competitive, authoritarian father are exposed.

Initially, I clung to the ideal image I had constructed of my family. One day, when I was in
line to get my identity card (I was fourteen years old), I started talking to an older man. I
found myself talking about my family in a way that I had never done before. I presented
them as the perfect family: always attentive to my needs, understanding, loving, supportive
of my decisions, etc., etc. I don’t know how many other things I told him, but his response
was that he would love to have a daughter who spoke of him like that. I think that’s what
solidified for me that this image was both well-received and successful. With it, I won over
older people, and earned the envy of those my age. Clinging to it made me feel less lonely
and anxious; it seemed to give me a sense of identity.

When I was thirteen years old, my mom couldn’t afford to pay for my dance classes, so I
sold candy at school to earn money to cover the costs. I felt embarrassed at the thought of
others discovering the chaos and financial struggles in my family, so I pretended in front of
the other kids that selling was just a game for me, not a necessity. At the same time, I
worried that they might see through me, realize that I was a liar, that I wasn’t as I appeared
or as happy as I seemed, because then they might stay away from me. I would hide the dark
aspects, thinking that all the other families were happy and had no problems. I only showed
what was socially accepted.

Persona and Shadow: Destructive to Themselves and Others

Anna Karenina, the novel by Tolstoy that illustrates the seduction of the Sexual E3, also
serves as a powerful literary example of the shadow, with its destructive force, which
inflicts pain and separation upon this character. As the story unfolds, Anna, initially
portrayed as a feminine goddess of wisdom and compassion, gradually reveals herself to
be a cruel, obsessed, vengeful, and destructive woman. Increasingly volatile and unstable,
she oscillates between one emotional state and another, like a small boat tossed in an
Atlantic storm. Ensnared in a web of delusions and self-deceptions that fuel her rage, her
destructive tendencies intensify over time, until she sees no other option but to end her
own life in a suicide she believes will bring her the ultimate triumph: the love of her lover
and revenge at the same time.

The novel begins with Anna’s arrival in Moscow to save her brother’s marriage. It’s the
mission of a woman with a generous heart who values family: persuading her sister-in-law
to forgive her unfaithful husband for the greater good of all. Her style of dress is one of
noble elegance, subtle, feminine, and modest—never flashy. The same could be said of her
presence: gentle, compassionate, maternal, and tender. "She could read sympathy and the
sincerest affection in Anna’s face," is how Dolly, her sister-in-law, beautifully describes her.
The impression Anna makes on Kitty, Dolly’s sister, gives us an idea of her charm and the
affinity she inspires in others, a testament to the success of her mask:

[Kitty], on her part, immediately fell under the charm of Anna’s gracious manner, as young
girls do when brought into relations with women older than themselves. Besides, there
was nothing about Anna that suggested a society woman or the mother of an
eight-year-old son; but to see her graceful form, her fresh and animated face, one would
have guessed that she was a young lady of twenty, had not a serious and sometimes
almost melancholy expression, which struck and attracted Kitty, come into her eyes.

Kitty felt that she was perfectly natural and sincere, but she did not deny that there was
something about her that suggested a whole world of complicated and poetic interest far
beyond her comprehension.

Kitty continues to idealize Anna, sensing something enigmatic in her. However, she soon
grasps her unexpected insensitivity to Kitty’s pain—Anna is openly bewitching the man
Kitty desires and whom she anticipates will ask for her hand at the ball, turning her back on
her and dismissing Kitty’s discomfort in order to carry on with her role as a charmer:

She was charming in her simple black velvet; charming were her round arms, clasped by
bracelets; charming her exquisite neck, encircled with pearls; charming her dark, curly locks
breaking from restraint; charming the slow and graceful movements of her feet and hands;
charming her lovely face, full of animation; but in all this charm, there was something
terrible and cruel.​
(Part 1/Ch. XXIII)

It appears that this cruelty refers to the disconnect between the idealized and externally
projected image of a goddess of beauty and wisdom, and the profound inner emptiness that
makes Anna unable to empathize with the experiences of others:

As she approached, Kitty gazed at her in dismay. Anna looked at her with drooping eyelids,
and smiled, pressing her hand. But, noticing that Kitty only responded to her smile with a
look of despair and amazement, she turned away from her and began gaily talking to the
other lady.​
"Yes, yes," said Kitty, "there is something strange, beautiful and, at the same time,
diabolical about her."​
(1/XXIII)

This is the first time Tolstoy lets us glimpse the shadow of Anna Karenina, reminding us
that replicating an idealized image of divinity is both an illusion born of our ignorance and a
rejection of human nature and its intrinsic light. The exact nature of this dark side is not yet
clear, but the author is already preparing us to witness something unexpected, which will
gradually manifest itself in Anna’s behavior, causing much suffering to her and those close
to her. This "diabolical" element carries great destructive potential due to the repression of
Eros, the prohibition against connecting with her own pleasure and expressing it freely.
Throughout the novel, Anna’s struggle to live up to an idealized, vain self-image and her
desire to punish herself for not achieving it will escalate, culminating in tragedy.

In the Sexual E3, this self-destructive potential becomes catastrophic when suicide seems
like the only solution, a frequent idea and action among desperate Sexual E3s. As one
person with this character recounts:

In moments of chronic frustration, in the most desperate times when I felt unloved by my
husband, it seemed to me the most logical option; it was either my own death or his. I had
to free myself from this dead-end situation where I lacked the strength to break free from
my gilded cage.

After a year of secret liaison, when the sexual encounter between Anna and Vronsky finally
takes place, we are struck by its dramatic charge:

That which for Vronsky had been almost a whole year the one absorbing desire of his life,
replacing all his old desires; that which for Anna had been an impossible, terrible, and even
for that reason more entrancing dream of bliss, that desire had been fulfilled. He stood
before her, pale, his lower jaw quivering, and besought her to be calm, not knowing how or
why.​
"Anna! Anna!" he said with a choking voice, "Anna, for pity’s sake! . . ."​
But the louder he spoke, the lower she dropped her once proud and gay, now
shame-stricken head, and she bowed down and sank from the sofa where she was sitting,
down on the floor, at his feet; she would have fallen on the carpet if he had not held her.​
"My God! Forgive me!" she said, sobbing, pressing his hands to her bosom.​
She felt so sinful, so guilty, that nothing was left for her but to humiliate herself and beg
forgiveness.

Shame makes it impossible for Anna to enjoy the long-awaited love encounter. The guilt
she feels, the fruit of internal accusations, poisons the intimacy with her lover, which could
have been a moment of deep connection and pleasure.

And as now there was no one in her life but him, to him she addressed her prayer for
forgiveness. Looking at him, she had a physical sense of her humiliation, and she could say
nothing more.
Trapped by her shame, Anna feels exposed before her beloved. Her humiliation has been
triggered by the vain demands of "I must be…" and "I am not," which are now becoming
apparent. The person before her has witnessed her "I am not," the unwanted image she has
denied and hidden inside.

The experience of humiliation in childhood serves as a form of social control and a source of
power, creating existential stress in children and undermining their spontaneous and
effervescent living impulses. The Sexual E3 has lost touch with this vitality. As this
character represses the strength of their genuine emotions, they lose access to the vital
energy necessary to pursue their desires. They begin to seek this lost strength externally,
leading to the need to manipulate others while wearing a mask of compliance, like a child
who learned to seduce by flattering the parents with a smile to get privileges or be
protected.

Anna’s self-accusation places pressure on her, and her conscience compels her to plead for
forgiveness for what she perceives to be a humiliating act. In the eyes of her inner judge,
she believes she deserves severe punishment and, therefore, desperately seeks Vronsky’s
forgiveness. This request for forgiveness appears not as a genuine admission of guilt but
rather an extreme attempt to rebuild her image as "good" in the eyes of her lover. By
playing the victim, she manipulates Vronsky’s reaction.

He felt what a murderer must feel when he sees the body he has robbed of life. That body,
robbed by him of life, was their love, the first stage of their love. There was something
awful and revolting in the memory of what had been bought at this fearful price of shame.
Shame at their spiritual nakedness crushed her and infected him. But in spite of all the
murderer’s horror before the body of his victim, he must hack it to pieces, hide the body, and
must use what he has gained by his murder.

And with fury, as it were with passion, the murderer falls on the body, and drags it and
hacks at it; so he covered her face and shoulders with kisses. She held his hand and did not
stir.​
"Yes, these kisses—that is what has been bought by this shame. Yes, and one hand, which
will always be mine—the hand of my accomplice." She lifted up that hand and kissed it. He
sank on his knees and tried to see her face, but she hid it and said nothing. At last, as
though making an effort over herself, she got up and pushed him away. Her face was still
as beautiful, but it was only the more pitiful for that.​
"All is over," she said; "I have nothing but you. Remember that."​
"I can never forget what is my whole life. For one instant of this happiness . . ."​
"Happiness!" she said with horror and loathing, and her horror unconsciously infected him.
"For pity’s sake, not a word, not a word more." She rose quickly and moved away from him.
"Not a word more," she repeated, and with a look of chill despair, incomprehensible to him,
she parted from him. She felt that at that moment she could not put into words the sense of
shame, of rapture, and of horror at this stepping into a new life, and she did not want to
speak of it, to vulgarize this feeling by inappropriate words.​
(2/XI)

We might expect happiness and joy after such a longed-for love encounter, but Anna
appears as a shattered woman who has just received dreadful news.

What we witness is her intrapsychic conflict: she hasn’t granted herself permission to seek
erotic pleasure; her vanity doesn’t allow her to give herself over, and now, having done so,
she feels she has failed. She has failed to uphold her self-image as an impeccable woman
for she has—literally—stripped herself naked. Perfect women, according to the dictates of a
patriarchal society, do not sin.​
With her surrender, the mask she presented to her beloved also falls. By revealing her
innermost desires and baring her "spiritual nakedness," she seems to depend on Vronsky’s
forgiveness for this "sin" (which implies severe self-judgment), and gradually begins to
resent him, fueled by an unconscious belief that he can no longer love her after seeing her
ugly side. She departs with a cold expression: the humiliation she experiences triggers her
unconscious rejection of him. Or perhaps, she is projecting onto him the guilt for leading her
to such despicable conduct.​
Her vanity prevents her from expressing her own confusion, fear, and shame, and Anna
once again reaffirms the prohibition to live in joy. A common feature among Sexual E3s is
the denial of all unwanted feelings, especially anger, envy, sadness, disagreement, and,
especially, shame. This denial stems from the neurotic belief that feelings might endanger
the desired loving union, making it necessary to falsify oneself and transform into a
self-assured, charming persona.

But later, too, and the next day and the third day, she still found no words in which she
could express the complexity of her feelings; indeed, she could not even find thoughts in
which she could clearly think out all that was in her soul.

A Sexual E3 lives in a state of darkness, fully disconnected from their soul. They genuinely
believe in the complacent, cheerful, and beautiful mask they have created to face the world,
and they become so preoccupied with pleasing others that they lose touch with their
deepest emotions and the myriad facets of their inner world. It could be said that a being so
estranged from their soul is akin to a “corpse,” or a robot that plasticizes life to construct a
sterile image.

It’s interesting to observe how Anna deals with her inner turmoil. She can’t share it with her
partner, as she cannot find the words for fear of saying the wrong thing. This is what a
Sexual E3 typically does: they allow themselves to display the “right” emotions and conceal
the “wrong” ones, as if emotions or feelings can be labeled right or wrong.
Anna cannot talk about her feelings because it would mean exposing her inner self. Her
idealized self-image serves as an internal censor, controlling her through shame and
judgment, preventing her from speaking candidly about herself. She’s unable to convey her
innermost self, and as she navigates her tragic fate, she will find herself increasingly
incapable of doing so. Vanity inhibits her from removing her mask of charm and beauty and
allowing herself to become a real woman with fears, conflicts, frustrations, anger... What
she is really avoiding is the intimate connection with her lover, and an insurmountable wall
of separation begins to rise between them

Tolstoy makes it clear that the Sexual E3 goes all-in on the relationship. They inundate it
with fantasies, as if it’s the sole means to recover the lost existential connection. The
illusion of love necessitates idealizing both oneself and the partner, while ignoring any
signals that might threaten this perception. In the neurotic pursuit of romantic love, this
character excludes their children, family, and friends... The cruel abandonment of those to
whom they promised love has dire consequences – abandonment of themselves and
immense soulful pain. Anna becomes pregnant by Vronsky, and when she shares the news
with him, he urges her to leave her husband. However, she is frightened of losing the child
from her marriage.

Vronsky had several times already, though not so resolutely as now, tried to bring her to
consider their position, and every time he had been confronted by the same superficiality
and triviality with which she met his appeal now.​
It was as though there were something in this which she could not or would not face, as
though directly when she began to speak of it, she, the real Anna, retreated somehow into
herself, and another strange and unaccountable woman came out, whom he did not love,
and whom he feared, and who was in opposition to him.

This is a recurring theme in the book: Anna has an inner force that clouds her true self. She
appears divided, and her superficial approach to handling conflicts hints at a deep
self-denial and deceit in projecting herself as empathetic and loving.

In whatever position she might be placed, she could not lose her son. Her husband might
put her to shame and turn her out, Vronsky might grow cold to her and go on living his own
life apart (she thought of him again with bitterness and reproach); she could not leave her
son. She had an aim in life. And she must act; act to secure this relation to her son, so that
he might not be taken from her. […]

She was weeping that her dream of her position being made clear and definite had been
annihilated forever. She knew beforehand that everything would go on in the old way, and
far worse, indeed, than in the old way. She felt that the position in the world that she
enjoyed, and that had seemed to her of so little consequence in the morning, was precious
to her, and that she would not have the strength to exchange it for the shameful position of
a woman who has abandoned her husband and child to join her lover; that however much
she might struggle, she could not be stronger than herself.

This is the first time that Anna realizes the consequences of her forbidden relationship with
Vronsky, which threatens to cost her her elevated position in society. It’s a moment of
contacting reality: “She would never know freedom in love, but would remain forever a
guilty wife, with the menace of detection hanging over her at every instant; deceiving her
husband for the sake of a shameful connection with a man living apart and away from her,
whose life she could never share.”

This sentence is significant. “She would never know freedom in love” means that she does
not give herself permission to live fully; it expresses her inability to give herself over to her
own life.

She has not yet spoken to Vronsky to tell him that her husband already knows about the
affair. She begins to imagine his rejection, which only deepens her distrust and anxiety.
Underlying her distress, stemming from her inability to be free to love, is her neurotic desire
to uphold her social standing and a fear of tarnishing her good self-image. Finally, she
shows Vronsky the letter, in which her husband threatens to take her son away. She leaves
her fate in the hands of her lover, once again relinquishing responsibility for her decisions:

But this interview was still of the utmost gravity for her. She hoped that this interview
would transform her position and save her.

If, on hearing this news, he were to say to her resolutely, passionately, without an instant’s
wavering: “Throw up everything and come with me!” she would give up her son and go
away with him.​
But this news had not produced what she had expected in him; he simply seemed as
though he were resenting some affront.

Anna is looking for signs on Vronsky’s face, and all she can see are affirmations of her own
belief that she cannot be desired. This is what all Sexual E3s have in common, and what is,
for them, a constant source of uneasiness: the irrational idea that they carry something so
ugly inside them that it’s better to lock it away at the bottom of their souls to avoid the
potential pain of rejection, which could shatter their fantasy of finally finding the longed-for
symbiosis. In Anna’s eyes, it’s already a foregone conclusion that Vronsky does not love her
as she’d like him to, because her interpretation of his reaction is influenced by such a
distorted self-perception.

There are so many external antennas that Sexual E3s have honed to read every signal from
others, to maintain control, and to respond to imagined demands, and so few, unfortunately,
for their own inner world.​
In a subsequent scene, Anna continues to hide the shameful truth, instead emphasizing her
facade of self-assurance and apparent control, while feeling the opposite inside:

“But, for God’s sake, which is better?—leave your child, or keep up this degrading position?”​
“To whom is it degrading?”​
“To all, and most of all to you.”​
“You say degrading . . . don’t say that. Those words have no meaning for me,” she said in a
shaking voice. She did not want him now to say what was untrue. She had nothing left but
his love, and she wanted to love him. “Don’t you understand that from the day I loved you
everything has changed for me? For me, there is one thing, and one thing only—your love. If
that’s mine, I feel so exalted, so strong, that nothing can be humiliating to me. I am proud of
my position because . . . proud of being . . . proud . . .”​
She could not say what she was proud of. Tears of shame and despair choked her
utterance. She stood still and sobbed.

This is the strategy of the Sexual E3: they actively deny their inner experience, concealing it
behind closed doors to hide from the “cruel and ugly” truth. Instead, they adamantly profess
the opposite to avoid any appearance of being “insignificant,” while their yearning for
passionate love promises blissful elevation.

Anna, trapped in an unsatisfying and frustrating marriage, remains in a state of paralysis,

awaiting Vronsky to set her free. This is a common trait among sexual Threes, who tend to
wait for their partners to make decisions for them and seek answers from others who will
fix their lives: therapists, psychics, friends... not from themselves, as they lack an internal
reference or guide.​
Not feeling sufficiently desired by Vronsky, Anna chooses not to leave her husband,
unconsciously intensifying her resentment toward her lover, despite already becoming
dependent on his love and approval. She lives in her own romantic fairy tale, and her
fanciful refusal to see him as an ordinary man is another manifestation of the Sexual E3’s
madness:

She laid her two hands on his shoulders and looked at him for a long time with a profound,
passionate, yet searching gaze. She was studying Vronsky’s face, looking for any changes
that might have occurred during their time apart. In all her encounters with Vronsky, she
confused her imaginary impression of him (incomparably superior, too good to be true) with
the real one.

Tolstoy captured in these few words how Anna deludes herself by projecting an idealized
self-image onto her partner, painting him as the perfect man and placing him on an
unattainable pedestal, to the point where he cannot be a real human being. The vain person
cannot open their eyes to the reality of others or empathize, because they can’t truly see
themselves. They cannot love, no matter how much they would like to. This is reminiscent
of the tragedy of Narcissus, who falls in love with his own reflection in the water. That’s all
he sees, and, lacking self-awareness, he remains inert and dies from disconnection with his
own soul, starved of authentic love.

Since Vronsky represents everything Anna longs for and idealizes, becoming a shield
against her inner emptiness, she begins to feel jealousy and a destructive passion that will
ultimately push him away:

These fits of jealousy, which had been more and more frequent of late, horrified him, and no
matter how much he tried to disguise it, made him feel cold toward her, although he knew
the cause of her jealousy was her love for him.

Now he felt that the best happiness had already been left behind. She was utterly unlike
what she had been when he first saw her. Both morally and physically, she had changed for
the worse. She had broadened out all over, and in her face, when speaking of the actress,
there was an evil expression of hatred that distorted it. He looked at her as a man looks at a
faded flower he has picked, with difficulty recognizing the beauty for which he had
gathered and ruined it.

She slowly allows her obsession to consume her: “I have driven away the fiend. (The fiend
was the name they had given her jealousy.)” It’s during this very encounter that her longing
to die becomes evident for the first time, seen as the only way out of a situation that fills
her with frustration and anger:

“It won’t come as we suppose. I didn’t mean to say this to you, but you’ve made me. Soon,
soon, all will be over, and we shall all, all be at peace and suffer no more.”​
“I don’t understand,” he said, understanding her.​
“You asked when? Soon. And I shan’t live through it. Don’t interrupt me!” she hurried to
speak. “I know it; I know for certain. I shall die; and I’m very glad I shall die and set us both
free.”

Anna had a dream in which an old woman tells her she will die during childbirth. It doesn’t
appear to be a prophetic dream but rather a projection of her shadow, already unbridled,
which, coupled with the accumulation of uncomfortable and uncontrollable emotions and
the repression of her own desires (Eros), suggests that death will be her only way out. This
emotional instability, the discrepancy between her internal and external experiences, and
her inability to express herself lead her into a kind of depression that results in dependence
on drugs and barbiturates—something common in extreme cases of Sexual E3s, who,
unable to connect with the aggressive energy they suppress, lack the strength to break free
from their stagnation and fight for their lives.
The more Anna’s jealousy, anger, and suspicion accumulate, intensifying her desperation
from her perceived lack of love and her persistent efforts to attain it, the less she trusts
Vronsky and his commitment.

She eventually gives birth to a baby girl, nearly dying in the postpartum period. Her
husband forgives her when he finds her suddenly so open and affectionate, believing that
her death is imminent:

He still struggled with his emotions, glancing at her only occasionally. Each time he did, he
saw her eyes gazing at him with such passionate and triumphant tenderness as he had
never seen before.​
“Wait a minute, you don’t know… stay a little, stay!...” She stopped, as though collecting her
thoughts. “Yes,” she began; “yes, yes, yes. This is what I wanted to say. Don’t be surprised
by me. I’m still the same... But there is another woman in me, I’m afraid of her: she loved
that man, and I tried to hate you, and could not forget about her that used to be. I’m not that
woman. Now I’m my real self, all myself. I’m dying now, I know I shall die. [...] Only one
thing I want: forgive me, forgive me quite. I’m terrible… […] No, you can’t forgive me! I know,
it can’t be forgiven! No, no, go away, you’re too good!”​
(4/XVII)

She feels divided, the “two women” inside her representing her unresolved inner struggle.
The woman who has loved Vronsky, the one who wants to live, to feel, is endangered
because the inhibited wife, the one who is not allowed to desire, who conforms to society’s
expectations and denies herself, is considered the good woman. The latter is the one who
condemns the erotic desires of the former and the one who begs for forgiveness, projecting
her own goodness onto her husband.

After her recovery, she transforms this same affection for her husband, along with her
idealization of him being too good for her, into hatred and a desire to die:

“I have heard it said that women love men even for their vices,” Anna began suddenly, “but I
hate him for his virtues. I can’t live with him. Do you understand? The sight of him has a
physical effect on me, it drives me mad. I can’t, I can’t live with him. What am I to do? I have
been unhappy, and used to think one couldn’t be more unhappy, but the awful state of
things I am going through now, I could never have conceived. Would you believe it, that
knowing he’s a good man, a splendid man, that I don’t even deserve to kiss the ground he
walks on, still I hate him. I hate him for his generosity. And there’s nothing left for me but…”
She would have said death, but her brother wouldn’t let her finish. (4/XXI)

Her idealization of her husband increases her internal pressure, heightening her guilt and
self-loathing, which, in turn, fuels her projected hatred toward him. This culminates in her
embracing death as a form of liberation.
Vronsky, for his part, attempts suicide when he believes he has lost her. Anna eventually
recovers, and her husband offers her a divorce, relinquishing custody of their child. In a
reunion with Vronsky, the two decide to travel to Italy together, and Anna does something
she never thought possible: she leaves her son with his father.

Although her husband has forgiven her and offers her a divorce that would free her from
societal pressure, she doesn’t accept it because, deep down, she is convinced that she
deserves punishment rather than forgiveness. She cannot easily let go of her self-image as
a proper woman and can only commit to her new life at the cost of not fully enjoying it:

There was one consolation which somewhat appeased her conscience whenever she
thought of the past. She expressed it to herself at the very first moment of her departure: “I
have done my husband an irrevocable injury, but at least I get no advantage from his
misfortune. I also suffer and shall suffer. I give up all that was dearest to me; I give up my
good name and my son. I have sinned, and therefore I do not desire happiness or a divorce,
and I accept my shame and the separation from my son.”

But however sincere Anna was when she reasoned thus, she had not suffered. She had felt
no shame. [...]

The joy of living caused by her convalescence was so keen, the conditions of her existence
were so new and delightful, that Anna felt extraordinarily happy.

It appears that the love Anna is experiencing continues to infuse her with life. It connects
her, for a while, with the happiness of fully embracing life and the joy of yielding to her own
desires. With each passing moment, Anna becomes more human, more herself.

Her adoration of her beloved alarmed her indeed; she sought and could not find in him
anything but goodness. She dared not show him her sense of her own insignificance beside
him. It seemed to her that, knowing this, he might cease to love her sooner, and she
dreaded nothing now so much as losing his love, though she had no grounds for fearing it.

Tolstoy reminds us that Anna’s fears are merely a product of her imagination and her
inability to love wholeheartedly. False beliefs act within her like a slow-acting poison,
shaping her destiny drop by drop.

She feels happy, but her mask of a virtuous woman prevents her from accepting the role of
“the bad one” and taking responsibility for her choice to separate from her husband and
child. This is a mentality typical of the Sexual E3, as another woman bears witness:

If I indulge in “sin,” the world will realize that I really am a bad person, and they’ll reject me
and despise me for being immoral. But if I suffer for my decisions and give up happiness,
the world will recognize that I’m paying for my choices with pain, and so they won’t judge
me as harshly. They’ll see me as a victim, offering compassion and love.

It’s an unconscious attempt to manipulate others’ opinions about oneself. And this is what
Anna does, falling more and more into victimhood. Deep down, she feels undeserving of
happiness, and by rejecting forgiveness and divorce from her husband, she reinforces this
belief.

After enjoying a honeymoon in Europe, she returns to St. Petersburg with Vronsky and
starts to miss her son. While away, she sometimes didn’t even think about him.

The Sexual E3 generally feels a strong affection for their children, who, as Tolstoy points
out, give meaning to their life through secure love. But when their existence jeopardizes the
romantic bond with the partner, they may physically or psychologically neglect them. This
is precisely what happens with Anna and her trip to Italy:

“Seryozha?” she thought. “I thought, too, that I loved him, and used to be touched by my
own tenderness. But I have lived without him, I gave him up for another love, and did not
regret the exchange till that love was satisfied.” (7/XXX)

As hers was an arranged marriage (by her aunt), Anna never loved her husband, and
directed “all the love that had never found satisfaction” toward the child she had by him. In
contrast, she doesn’t feel the same love for the child born from the relationship with her
lover, which seemingly threatens her wish to be the “only one” for him.

But at the sight of this child, it was plainer than ever to her that the feeling she had for her
could not be called love in comparison with what she felt for Seryozha. Everything in this
baby was charming, but for some reason, all this did not go deep into her heart. Her first
child, though the child of an unloved father, had concentrated all the love that had never
found satisfaction. Her baby girl had been born under the most painful circumstances and
had not had a hundredth part of the care and thought that had been concentrated on her
first child.

Besides, in the little girl, everything was still in the future, while Seryozha was already
almost a person; and a person dearly loved. In him, there was a conflict of thought and
feeling; he understood her, he loved her, he judged her, she thought, recalling his words
and his eyes. (5/XXXI)

Her son has already become, yes, a man who can love her and receive her love. The
masculine aspect—is it loved and idealized because it promises love and protection?
Whereas the feminine aspect, the inner child represented by her daughter—can it not be
loved because it’s vulnerable? Or perhaps because it’s the fruit of a sin? Be that as it may, in
Anna’s relationship with her lover, there is no place for children:
“Think, I have a choice between two alternatives: either to be with child, that is a useless,
sick woman, or to be the friend and companion of my husband—practically my husband,”
Anna said in a tone intentionally superficial and frivolous. “I am not his wife; he loves me as
long as he loves me. And how am I to keep his love? Not like this!” She moved her white
arms in a curve before her waist. (6/XXIII)

Her only desire, her ultimate goal in life, is to secure her lover’s affection through her
beauty and usefulness. The prospect of a new pregnancy, another child, is a threat to this
goal—a mere hindrance. And Vronsky’s desire to have more children with her is, through
her vanity, interpreted as evidence of his lack of love.

The question of having children had long been a subject of dispute and irritation for her.
She saw his desire for children as proof that he did not value her beauty, which would
naturally diminish or disappear with a new pregnancy and childbirth.​
(7/XXV)

Convinced that she is loved for her beauty, she cannot accept any other form of affection
and cannot imagine living as a woman who has something more to offer than a pretty face.
She is beauty. She exists through her flawless physical appearance. Not being appreciated
for her looks is equivalent to denying her very existence. It’s a deep wound that Vronsky is
inflicting on her!​
In her pain and despair, Anna finds herself unable to open up. By hiding her true feelings
and thoughts, she builds an increasingly impenetrable wall of silence and separation
between two vain individuals who, at their core, never really knew each other.

Her suffering is all the more poignant because she has to bear it alone. She cannot, and will
not, share it with Vronsky. She knows that, to him, although he is the primary cause of her
distress, the question of her son’s well-being would seem of little importance. She knows
he will never fully grasp the depth of her suffering, and that his cool tone when any allusion
to it is made would drive her to hate him. And she dreads that more than anything in the
world, so she hides everything related to her son from him.

This act of concealment, this denial of her experiences, only amplifies her animosity toward
herself—and him. Each unspoken, unpleasant emotion feeds the growing resentment that
lurks in the shadows, and the idea of revenge gains strength in her mind.

“But where is he? How is it that he leaves me alone in my misery?” she thought, filled with
reproach, forgetting that she had kept everything about her son from him. She sent a
messenger to ask him to come immediately. With a pounding heart, she awaited him,
rehearsing the words in which she would tell him everything, and the loving expressions
with which he would console her. The messenger returned with an answer that he had a
visitor but would come immediately and asked whether she would allow him to bring
Prince Yashvin, who had just arrived in Petersburg. “He’s not coming alone, and since dinner
yesterday, he hasn’t seen me,” she thought. “He’s not coming to let me tell him everything
but to bring Yashvin.” And then, suddenly, a disturbing thought crossed her mind: What if
he has stopped loving her?

Reviewing the events of the last few days, it seemed to her that everything confirmed this
terrible thought. He hadn’t dined at home yesterday. He had insisted on their taking
separate rooms in Petersburg. Even now, he wasn’t coming alone, as if he were trying to
avoid facing her directly.​
“But he should tell me! I need to know if it’s true. If I knew it, then I would know what to
do,” she thought, utterly unable to imagine what she would do if she were convinced of
Vronsky’s indifference toward her.

Terrified of rejection, she seeks evidence to confirm her worst fear: that he no longer loves
her. This obsession is akin to self-destruction. The Sexual E3 becomes dependent on their
partner’s presence to alleviate inner anxiety, and the yearning to be together transforms
into a covert imposition on the other that verges on abuse, masquerading as a demand for
love.

Concerned about her erratic behavior, Vronsky tries to talk to her, but Anna’s mask—her
refusal to let him see beneath the surface—makes genuine connection impossible:

He decided he absolutely must speak openly with her. So, he waited for her in her drawing
room. But Anna did not return alone; she brought with her her old unmarried aunt, Princess
Oblonskaya. This was the woman who had come earlier in the morning, with whom Anna
had gone out shopping. Anna seemed oblivious to Vronsky’s worried and questioning
expression and began eagerly recounting her morning’s shopping. He could see that
something was stirring within her; in her flashing eyes, when they rested on him, there was
an intense concentration, and in her words and movements, there was that rapid nervous
grace that had initially captivated him, but now only made him uneasy and filled him with
disgust.

Anna was suppressing her inner turmoil: a growing restlessness, insecurity, and aggression.
She concealed them behind a cheerful mask, remaining oblivious to the signals her partner
was sending. This is a common pattern for Sexual E3s.

He looked at her with serious eyes, but she responded with a defiant, half-mirthful,
half-desperate look that he could not decipher.​
At dinner, Anna was in overly high spirits and even seemed to flirt with Tuschkevich and
Yashvin.
Flirting, for Anna, serves as a form of narcissistic nourishment. The act of seduction
energizes her and validates her through this game of attraction, which also functions as a
provocation toward her partner. It becomes a means of revenge, giving her a sense of
power and an illusion of control over the situation. Her unacknowledged aggression leads
her to a provocative act: she goes to the opera in a flashy dress without Vronsky, where she
is openly humiliated by Russian society. People avoid her as if she were suffering from a
contagious disease. Clearly, they are punishing her for disregarding the social rules. Upon
returning, she bitterly blames Vronsky for her ordeal.

“I begged you, I implored you not to go. I knew it would be unpleasant…”​

“Unpleasant!” she cried. “It was hideous! I’ll never forget it. She said it was a disgrace to sit
beside me.”​
“A silly woman’s chatter,” he said. “But why risk it, why provoke—”​
“I hate your calm. You shouldn’t have put me in this position. If you loved me…”​
“What’s all this talk of love now, Anna?”​
“Oh, if you loved me as I love, if you were tortured as I am!” she said, looking at him with an
expression of terror.

He was sorry for her, yet angry at the same time. He assured her of his love because he
knew that was the only way to soothe her. Though he reproached her deeply in his heart,
he said nothing that could displease her.

Vronsky and Anna are both lying to each other; frustration has no place in a vain
relationship. She begins to openly demand love from him, accusing him and burdening him
with the responsibility for her unhappiness—an impossible task for anyone. Victimization
now becomes part of her revenge: “It is only those two creatures that I love, and one
excludes the other. I can’t have them together, and that’s the only thing I want. And since I
can’t have that, I don’t care about the rest. I don’t care about anything, anything.”

It’s not just that her husband is no longer willing to give her their son; it’s that Vronsky’s
desperately sought love leaves no room for anything else.

Anna approached Dolly, sat beside her, and, looking at her with eyes full of deep suffering
and immense regret for her guilt, took her sister-in-law’s hand.​
“What are you thinking? What do you think of me? Don’t despise me. I don’t deserve
contempt... I am simply unhappy. If there is a wretched being in the world, it is I,” she said,
turning her face away and weeping bitterly.​
In the meantime, Anna returned to her boudoir, took a wine-glass, and poured a few drops
of a medicine, the main ingredient of which was morphine. After drinking it, she sat
motionless for a while, then went to bed in a soothed and somewhat cheerier frame of
mind.
When she entered the bedroom, Vronsky looked at her intently, searching her face for
traces of the long conversation he assumed she had had with Dolly. But in her expression
of restrained excitement, and in a sort of reserve, he found nothing but her beauty, which,
though he was accustomed to it, always bewitched him anew. Whether it was simply
because he was in awe of the beauty of his beloved, or because it awakened desires that
consumed his thoughts, Vronsky asked nothing. He hoped she would tell him something of
her own accord. But she only said, “I’m so glad you like Dolly. You do, don’t you?”

Anna is already using morphine to calm the emotional storm inside her, relying on it to
conceal her inner turmoil. It’s a way to numb the painful, unhappy, shame-filled, and hateful
emotions that crowd her mind.

But her primary concern remains herself—how much she is dear to Vronsky and how much
she can make up for all he has given up. Vronsky appreciated this desire, not only to please
but to serve him, which had become the sole aim of her existence. However, at the same
time, he wearied of the amorous snares in which she tried to entangle him. As time passed,
and he found himself more and more often caught in these traps, he grew less interested in
escaping them and more curious to see whether they hindered his freedom.

Anna’s attempts to bind him to her, to have him at her disposal whenever she wishes, along
with her manipulations, accusations, and jealousy, only push him away. The more she tries
to control him, the greater her desperation becomes. She continues to project her
insecurities onto him, leading to the very outcome she fears the most:

“That glance shows the beginning of indifference.” Though she is sure that Vronsky’s
coldness has begun, there is nothing she can do to alter their relationship. As before, only
love and charm could keep him, but now, just as before, only daytime distractions and
morphine at night could stifle the terrifying thought of what would happen if he ceased to
love her. She still sees one possibility—if she cannot keep him, at least to be closer to him
so that he cannot leave her. That possibility is divorce and remarriage. She began to long
for that and decided she would agree to it the first time either he or her brother approached
her on the subject.

Absorbed in such thoughts, she spent five days apart from him—the five days they were to
be separated.​
“Never mind,” she thought. “As long as he’s here, he cannot, he dare not, cease to love me.”

Apparently, her striking beauty and special attention are not enough to hold him down, and
her frustration drives her to even greater efforts to control him, restricting his freedom. In
her desperation to manipulate him, she moves with him to Moscow, believing that her
presence there will prevent him from distancing himself. She also decides to marry him as a
last resort to secure his commitment and finally asks her husband for a divorce. Yet the
more she tries to control him, the more he asserts his right to personal space.

One thought—one thought alone—pursues her in different forms and refuses to leave her.
“If I have such an effect on others, on this man who loves his home and his wife, why is
Vronsky so cold toward me?... Not cold exactly, he loves me, I know that! But something
new is drawing us apart. Why wasn’t he here all evening?... He is glad of an opportunity to
show me that he has other duties. I know that, and I submit to it. But why prove that to me?
He wants to show me that his love for me does not interfere with his freedom. But I need
no proof—I need love.”

Anna craves her partner’s affection. Her thoughts, her emotions… everything is consumed
by an obsession that can never be fully satisfied. The Sexual E3 tends to rationalize love,
transforming it into a strategic set of actions to maintain the attachment of the other person.
In this context, we can observe elements of her oral-stage fixation: deep down, she
resembles not an adult woman embracing her feminine strength, but rather a baby, unable
to soothe herself due to the absence of a secure and constant connection to her mother.
This character, in her anxiety, abuses her partner by seeking comfort in his adored presence.

“I can do nothing, can begin nothing, can alter nothing; I hold myself in, I wait, inventing
amusements for myself—the English family, writing, reading—but it’s all just a sham, just
like morphine. He ought to feel for me,” she says, tears of self-pity welling up in her eyes.​
She hears Vronsky’s abrupt ring and quickly dries her tears—not just drying them, but
sitting by a lamp and opening a book, pretending to be composed. She wants to show him
that she is displeased with his failure to come home as promised—displeased, but not to let
him see her distress, and least of all, her self-pity. She might pity herself, but he must not
pity her. She doesn’t want conflict, blaming him for wanting to quarrel, but unconsciously
putting herself in an antagonistic position.

The persistent frustration in her attempts to merge with her lover and control him fuels an
aggression she can no longer suppress. The rage, the pugnacious insistence on proving her
worthiness of love, gradually seeps into her interactions, transforming into hatred and a
desire for revenge, deepening the rift and resentments. Her shadow is already taking over,
and the mask of victimhood is firmly in place. The emptier she feels inside, the more
desperate her demand for attention becomes. And the less attention she receives, the more
anesthesia she requires to cope with her growing anxiety.

Vronsky’s attempts to reclaim his personal space jeopardize her pursuit of what she desires
from him. And for her, it’s all or nothing. Black or white. No middle ground, no alternatives.
Her infantile conscience leaves no room for compromise.
Her words, her intonation, her gestures—everything about her reflected a desire to argue,
to fight...​
She was glad for the tenderness he showed, but some strange force of evil wouldn’t let her
surrender to her feelings, as if the rules of warfare would not permit her to yield.

Although she appreciated his tenderness, her pride kept her from fully surrendering to and
nourishing herself with his affection. Her mind was set on revenge for the thwarted love
they once shared.

“For you, it’s a matter of obstinacy,” she said, watching him intently, suddenly finding the
right word for the expression of his that irritated her so much. “Simply obstinacy. For you,
it’s about keeping the upper hand over me, while for me...”​
Again, she felt sorry for herself, and she almost burst into tears. “If you knew what this
means for me! When I feel, as I do now, that you are hostile—yes, hostile to me—if you only
knew what this feels like! If you knew how close I am to calamity at this very moment, how
afraid I am of myself!”

In her desperation, she began using emotional threats of suicide to gain control over him.
For a brief moment, she succeeded:

Anna turned away, hiding her sobs.​

“But what are you talking about?” he said, horrified by her despair. He bent over her again,
took her hand, and kissed it. “What is this for? Do I seek amusement outside our home?
Don’t I avoid the company of other women?”​
“Well, yes! If that were all!” she replied.​
“Come, tell me what I should do to ease your mind. I’m ready to do anything to make you
happy,” he said, touched by her expression of despair. “What wouldn’t I do to save you from
distress, Anna?”​
“It’s nothing, nothing!” she said. “I don’t even know if it’s loneliness or just my nerves...
Come, let’s not talk about it. What about the race? You haven’t told me!” she asked, trying
to conceal her triumph at her victory, which, after all, had been on her side.

He requested supper and began telling her about the races, but in his tone, in his
eyes—growing colder with each moment—she saw that he did not forgive her for her
victory. The feeling of obstinacy she had been struggling with had returned in him. He was
colder toward her than before, as if regretting his surrender.​
And she, remembering the words that had won her that moment, “how I feel on the brink
of calamity, how afraid I am of myself,” realized that this weapon was a dangerous one, not
to be used again. She felt that, alongside the love that bound them together, an evil spirit of
strife had grown between them—a spirit that she could neither exorcise from his heart nor
her own.
Her struggle was that of a codependent woman. What she truly sought was symbiosis with
her partner—a state where the boundaries between “I” and “you” dissolve into a unity
without limits, without individuality, and without personal freedom, as these posed threats
to the union she craved. The will of the other became pure poison. The partner morphed
into an extension of herself, an existential wellspring for survival. She couldn’t see him with
all his flaws and virtues; she couldn’t love him. True love respects differences and sees the
other as they are, unencumbered by the lens of oral fantasies that make one perpetually
search for the mother’s breast.

Anna didn’t want a partner on her level; she needed to lift him up or bring him down to
fulfill her projections—either sanctifying or demonizing him. Whenever she succeeded in
soothing her anxiety with affection, she felt blissful. It was the contentment of a child finally
receiving the comforting affection of a parent.​
In Neurosis and Human Growth, Karen Horney characterizes this personality as dependent,
seeing love as the key to paradise, where all suffering ceases.

In Anna’s eyes, the entirety of Vronsky—his habits, ideas, desires, spiritual and physical
temperament—was one thing: love for women, and she felt that love should be entirely
focused on her. When that love seemed diminished, she reasoned that he must have
transferred part of it to other women, or perhaps to another woman entirely—and so she
became jealous. But she wasn’t jealous of any one woman in particular; she was jealous of
the decrease in his love. Not having an object for her jealousy, she invented one. At the
slightest hint, she transferred her jealousy from one object to another. At one moment, she
was jealous of the low women with whom he might easily rekindle old bachelor ties; then,
she was jealous of the society women he might meet; then, she was jealous of the
imaginary girl he might want to marry, for whose sake he would leave her. This form of
jealousy tortured her most, especially after he had unwittingly told her, in a moment of
frankness, that his mother had tried to persuade him to marry the young Princess Sorokina.

And being jealous of him, Anna became indignant and found grounds for that indignation in
everything. For everything that was difficult in her position, she blamed him. The agonizing
suspense she had endured in Moscow, Alexey Alexandrovitch’s tardiness and indecision,
her loneliness—she held him responsible for it all. If he had loved her, she believed, he
would have understood the bitterness of her situation and rescued her from it. It was his
fault she was in Moscow and not in the country. He could not live buried in the country as
she would have liked. He needed society, and he had put her in this awful position—one he
refused to understand. And again, it was his fault that she was forever separated from her
son.

Everything now revolved around the obsessive madness of attaining a love that didn’t truly
exist. Two human beings cannot live in symbiosis. In the symbiosis we crave to the point of
insanity, love withers, and an emotionally violent dynamic is born, oscillating between love
and hate, attraction and repulsion.​
As the impossible becomes clear, the relationship breeds frustration, which spirals into
escalating violence and revenge:

“He hates me, that’s clear,” she thought, and in silence, without looking back, she walked
with faltering steps out of the room. “He loves another woman, that’s even clearer,” she
told herself as she went into her own room. “I want love, and there is none. So, then, all is
over.” She repeated the words she had just spoken, “and it must end.”​
“But how?” she asked herself, sitting down in a low chair before the looking-glass.​
And all at once, she knew what was in her soul. Yes, it was that thought that alone solved
everything. “Yes, to die!... The shame and disgrace of Alexey Alexandrovitch, and my awful
shame—my death will save it all. To die! And he will feel remorse, he will repent; he will be
sorry, he will love me; he will despair and suffer because of me.” With a trace of
self-commiseration, she sat down in the armchair, taking off and putting on the rings on her
left hand, vividly picturing from all angles Vronsky’s suffering after her death.​
“Anna, why distress yourself—and me—so?” he said to her, kissing her hands. There was
tenderness in his face now, and she fancied she heard tears in his voice, feeling them wet
on her hand. Instantly, Anna’s despairing jealousy shifted to an exalted passion of
tenderness. She put her arms around him, covering his head, neck, and hands with kisses.

Seeing him disarmed, vulnerable, and suffering, she experienced an abrupt shift from
hatred to desperate affection, leading to a momentary reconciliation. Anna didn’t just want
to be loved; she also needed her love to be received. Affection and excitement made her
feel alive, gave meaning to her life... Yet, the moment of harmony was short-lived. Soon
they quarreled again, this time over a visit he intended to make to his mother—whom Anna
despised for suggesting he marry another woman. In Anna’s eyes, this advice made her
mother-in-law despicable, an enemy, a threat to her longing to merge completely with
Vronsky. She projected her guilt and self-loathing onto him, and her desire for revenge had
already won.

It had never before happened that Anna and Vronsky had spent an entire day at odds, and
for Anna, this was clear evidence that Vronsky’s love for her had disappeared, or at least
grown cold. How else could he have looked at her with such indifference when he entered
the room to collect the guarantee? How could he have seen her heart breaking and left
without a word, his face marked by such callous composure? He didn’t just seem cold—he
hated her, because he loved another woman. That was clear.​
And remembering all the cruel words he had said, Anna filled in the rest with the words he
had clearly wished to say but hadn’t. She grew increasingly exasperated, imagining the
cruel things he might have said:​
“I won’t stop you. Go where you want. You didn’t want to divorce your husband, probably
so you could go back to him. Go back to him. If you want money, I’ll give it to you. How
many roubles do you need?”​
All the most brutal things a man could say, he had said to her in her imagination, and she
couldn’t forgive him for them, as if he had actually spoken them.

Her mind is hallucinating, further accelerating her emotional whirlwind. She has lost touch
with reality, and an intense fury over an imaginary wound—a fantasy of rejection and
humiliation—fuels her thirst for revenge. These destructive thoughts have become
addictive, and her mind fixates on conjuring the most agonizing scenarios possible. She
longs to destroy, to leave nothing but desolation in her wake. Revenge seems to be her only
trump card in the battle for Vronsky’s love; through suicide, she will force him to
acknowledge his sole obligation—to love her. In her vision of revenge, he will suffer forever
after losing her.

As the only means of resurrecting the affection for her in his heart, of punishing him, and of
achieving victory in the struggle with the evil spirit possessing her heart, the idea of death
arises clearly and vividly in her mind. At this point, nothing else matters to her: going to
Vozdvizhenskoe or not, getting a divorce from her husband or not—it all feels irrelevant.
She wants only one thing: to punish him. When she pours herself her usual dose of opium
and thinks she only needs to drink the whole bottle to die, it seems so simple and easy that
she begins to muse with twisted enjoyment about how he will suffer, repent, and love her
memory when it is too late.

“I’ll go to him myself. Before going away forever, I’ll tell him everything. Never have I hated
anyone as much as I hate that man!” she thinks, rushing to her room.​
(7/XXIX)

She projects hatred onto him, but the truth is, she hates herself. “He is everything to me,
and I want him more and more to give himself up to me entirely. But instead, he wants
more and more to get away from me.”​
The Sexual E3 projects desire and surrender onto others to compensate for their own
inability to surrender and the suppression of their own desires.

“If I could be anything but a mistress, passionately caring for nothing but his caresses, but I
can’t, and I don’t care to be anything else. And by that desire, I rouse aversion in him, and he
rouses fury in me, and it cannot be different. Don’t I know that he wouldn’t deceive me, that
he won’t desert me? I know all that, but it makes it no better for me. If, without loving me,
from duty, he’ll be good and kind to me without what I want—that’s a thousand times
worse than unkindness! That’s hell! And this is precisely what we have now! He hasn’t
loved me for a long time. And where love ends, hate begins. […] If something disturbs me, I
have reason to escape from it. That is, I must get rid of it. And why shouldn’t I be able to put
out the light when there is nothing left to look at, when I feel nothing but disgust for it all?
Why are they talking, why are they laughing? It’s all lies, deceit, cruelty. Thus, I will punish
him and escape from everyone and from myself.”​
(7/XXXI)

In the end, her lower self prevails; the desire for revenge triumphs, and she takes her own
life—an act that seems to us the greatest form of self-punishment and aggression against
both herself and others. Karen Horney posits that the dependent personality can only
achieve surrender through self-denial. This surrender through symbiosis can only be felt,
according to the author, in humiliation, mistreatment, and aggression, as these elements
break down the pride that inhibits true surrender. However, this humiliation, in turn,
reignites desires for revenge and self-loathing, perpetuating a vicious cycle.

Therefore, Anna must fantasize about humiliation to win the battle for love with Vronsky.
The deep-seated longing for surrender—the greatest desire of the Sexual E3—can lead to
suicide because this surrender, by definition, cannot be attained in a codependent
relationship. Conversely, surrendering to death does fulfill this profound desire.

The novel Anna Karenina opens with an epigraph from the Bible: “Vengeance is mine, I will
repay” (Deuteronomy 32:35). It is clear that Tolstoy is not referring to a vengeful God, but to
the destructive shadow of the protagonist. More broadly, it alludes to the shadow of the
Sexual E3, whose vengeful force ultimately stems from self-loathing originating in the
repression of Eros—the source of life’s vitality, emotion, pleasure, and vivacity. If this
character would allow themselves the permission to fully experience their emotions, love
without guilt, and embrace life’s experiences as they come, they could simply be.

Love

The Sexual E3 is addicted to love and the idea of being loved, making it their absolute
priority. They are more preoccupied with receiving love than truly experiencing it. When
they talk about love, they often refer solely to the love of their partner, as if there were no
other forms of it. Their fantasy is that if they find that love, they will find complete
happiness. However, this is a superficial love, feeding on the intensity of infatuation and the
initial stages of a relationship—very short-lived. Deep down, there is an enormous fear of
authentic love, the kind that is present in everyday life, where imperfections and flaws of
themselves and their partner are visible.

I used to think of myself as Sleeping Beauty. One day, I would meet a prince who would
awaken me with his love, and we would live happily ever after. This already speaks to the
deep disconnection and numbing of the self that I sought to find through a romantic
relationship.
Claudio Naranjo proposes a concept of love in three different forms: “erotic love,” which is a
child-like love of self; “compassionate love,” reflecting maternal love that is nurturing and
giving; and “admiring love” or “appreciative love,” which is a paternal love, in the sense of
representing reverence for something greater, like values and the divine. Mental well-being
lies in the harmony of these three dimensions, whereas neurosis takes root when one of
them is overly emphasized.

On the surface, the Sexual E3 gives priority to erotic love, but that is only the product they
“sell,” which is far from being genuine instinctive pleasure. In fact, of the three forms of love
described by Claudio, this is the one the Sexual E3 has the least developed. As they have
an inhibited capacity for erotic expression and spontaneity, it’s difficult for them to connect
with desire. Frequently, the Sexual E3 neglects their inner wounded child and their need to
receive love. They confuse being desired with being loved. Given their significant
disconnection from their deepest feelings and desires, along with their tendency to
overadapt to preferences and interests that aren’t truly their own (a form of image reversal),
they become objects of desire for others without seeking to satisfy their own needs.

To truly love and be loved, the first step for the E3 is to reclaim self-respect. This involves
looking inside and confronting their inner emptiness, recognizing the depth of their pains
and deficiencies that they’ve learned to disguise since childhood. They must set aside the
need to make a good impression, instead acknowledging their own worthiness and the
right to experience pleasure—both in life and in their relationships.

Seduction isn’t necessarily rooted in a deep desire for someone. Often, it serves the purpose
of masking internal emptiness. For the Sexual E3, the gaze and desire of others provide
external validation that they are special and valuable. In erotic love, they focus on the
mystique of promising pleasure, but what they truly seek isn’t pleasure—it’s admiration:

The love I sell to women is erotic love; that is, I offer pleasure and entertainment beyond
the sexual aspect. Once I promise the fun and enjoyment in sex, I try to make myself
interesting, showcasing what I do, what I know, what I’ve accomplished, what I’ve learned,
what I’ve read… Small hints or glimpses of all the potential I hide.

Ultimately, this staged performance aims to position them in a state of admiration for me:
“Look how much he knows,” “Look at his achievements,” “He’s so well-connected,” “I’ll learn
so much from him,” “He’s great in bed,” and so on.

For the Sexual E3, attracting admiration isn’t a significant challenge. The desire to be
admired and loved is human; the problem is that this pursuit further disconnects them from
self-love, their self-esteem, genuine needs, and their true selves.
Their quest for love becomes desperate, leading them into relationships with partners they
don’t actually want to be with, enduring mistreatment for the fear of losing love and facing
loneliness. They might even tolerate abusive situations, emotionally detaching to endure,
because to separate from the partner would mean confronting the pain of abandonment,
their most feared nightmare.

Their most developed form of love is probably maternal, as they tend to take care of those
they love. They also frequently seek refuge in family or a partner, both of which enhance
their sense of worth. The Sexual E3s are very passionate about family, where they don’t
grapple with insecurity as much. They can be good housewives, and the family unit not only
gives them the feeling of protection, but also brings meaning to their lives.

The Sexual E3 sells compassionate love to attain this same nurturing love and admiration.
In their romantic relationships, they pour a great deal of energy into this form of love, often
confusing it with eroticism, viewing seduction as the gateway to securing maternal love.
Thus, they sell maternal love on the basis of taking care of the other. They want to be
treated as royalty but act as servants. They firmly believe they are deserving of
unconditional love, where they are the star. They appear extremely attentive to their
partner’s needs, providing efficient care, albeit without a deep, authentic loving connection.

They struggle, deep down, to offer genuine love—one that is intimately attuned to their
own and their partner’s emotional needs. It’s a monumental effort, which begins with the
annulment of their own truth, particularly their need for affection, which is omitted from the
equation as they “buy” the admiration of others.

The Sexual E3 strives to generate dependency by making themselves indispensable, which

gives them a sense of power and shields them from appearing fragile or needy. They
present themselves as experts in all matters of nutrition and care, and the phrase “I don’t
know” doesn’t exist in their vocabulary. If there’s something they genuinely don’t know,
they are quite capable of deceiving themselves and their partner. This behavior is driven by
their deep-rooted fear of reliving childhood abandonment and losing the love of others. The
dependence is generated by fostering the belief that they’re the most wonderful and
perfect person on Earth, without whom the other person simply cannot live.

In return, they buy love like the one they sell: someone strong who continually looks after
them, admires them, makes them feel special, showers them with gifts, and consistently
tells them how amazing they are. And of course, someone who won’t criticize them—ever.
On the contrary, they want someone who discovers something fascinating in them that no
one else has ever found, and who appreciates it. Someone who gives a redemptive love
that can erase all the pain they’ve lived through. They believe that if they find such love,
happiness will follow, and all their pain and frustration will disappear.
However, disappointment sets in when this impossible love never comes. Then they fall
into a new self-deception: they give so much but feel they aren’t receiving what they
deserve in return, although, deep down, they don’t even trust that the other person can take
care of them. Their demands for how they should be cared for become so exacting that
their significant other eventually gives up.

The Sexual E3 needs to have someone hooked on their offerings every day of the year.
They don’t realize that, beneath it all, they are using the other person with just as much
dependency as they generate in them, until one day they end up feeling trapped. In their
craving for freedom, they… blame the other party.

When the relationship eventually ends, they don’t allow themselves to mourn and
immediately look for another partner to fill the void. If they’re ever single, they either have a
fool in love to whom they’re promising the world, or their imagination is already occupied
with fantasies of future conquests, regardless of whether they’re realistic or not.

Over the past ten months, I’ve had three different partners, moving from one to another
without much pause. I didn’t take the time to be alone, grieve, or let any lessons sink in. I’ve
realized that I’ve almost compulsively jumped from one relationship to the next, that it
hasn’t meant much for me to start again, and that has made me aware of my emotional
detachment and coldness, and my tendency to fill the glass, the void, the emptiness
without allowing myself to truly feel.

At the start of each new relationship, a common pattern emerges. I indulge in the fantasy
that this time, with this woman, I’ll finally have my ideal love story, complete with a happy
family, children playing, and a loving father returning home from work, showering them
with hugs and kisses. Automatically, as I weave this perfect narrative—my perfect love
story—I start to lose myself, forget about myself, and give up my space. I become devoted,
loving, caring, and tender, convinced that everything I’m providing is perfect and wonderful.
I’ve already cast myself in the role of perfection, where I expect to be greatly admired and
desired. Of course, I forget to feel and express my own desires, for fear of not being liked,
and I stop articulating what I truly want and need.

When a crisis in the relationship leads to a break-up, the Sexual E3 can spiral into
self-destructive behaviors, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, and losing all
sense of dignity and self-esteem.

It’s not so difficult for a Sexual E3 to express admiration, but in reality, it’s rooted in hidden
envy. They idealize someone they perceive as more valuable than themselves, and whom
they want to seduce in an attempt to have their own self-worth validated—something they
struggle to feel, lacking internal confidence in themselves. Hence, the admiration they are
constantly seeking is superficial; it’s centered on the image they project. It only reveals their
distrust in being seen and respected for who they are. Physical seduction taints admiring
love, turning it into a rigid and automatic channel for connecting with their partner,
sidetracking any genuine maternal or appreciative love relationship. The blurred boundaries
they’ve encountered with their parents keep them in the dark about the paths that could
lead them to getting what they truly want.

If they find it difficult to trust life and feel the need to micromanage everything, it’s precisely
because of their deep yearning for surrender. When the Sexual E3 realizes that they can
surrender and give themselves over to God, they connect with their own divinity and find a
sense of inner peace:

It’s difficult to describe what the love of God is like for a Sexual E3 in a more general way,
because it is inherently a spiritual and highly subjective dimension. Speaking from my own
perspective and experiences, I can express the love for God as an encounter with Love
itself. A love that translates into adoration and gratitude to the One who guided me on this
journey. It’s a facet of the soul, and when accessed, it becomes an experience of unity with
all things, of loving without exception, bridging the differences that separate us. I can
describe the love of God as a deep love for myself. When I recognized the magnificence of
my true Self and the divine strength within me, I started holding myself in reverence. This
experience was pivotal in establishing a connection with my own intrinsic value. Though
vanity may still exist, internally it provoked a progressive and liberating transformation of
my consciousness.

Got it! I'll only fix the grammar and adjust the paragraphs for readability, keeping
everything else as it is. Here’s the revised version:

Historical Figure: Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe at the Height of Her Career

Marilyn serves as a good example of a self-destructive personality. She tragically died at

the age of thirty-six, and everything points to the fact that she committed suicide. She was
a star who lived off her image and was celebrated as an icon of feminine beauty and
desirability. A broken doll exploited for the benefit of many, she lived in constant fear of
losing her sex appeal, driven by public opinion.
Eternally preoccupied with maintaining her physical beauty, she relentlessly pursued a
perfect image because, in dire need of love, she knew no other way to obtain it. In her own
words:

"My arrival in school, with painted lips and darkened brows, started everybody
buzzing. Why I was a siren, I hadn’t the faintest idea. I didn’t want to be kissed,
and I didn’t dream of being seduced by a duke or a movie star. The truth was
that with all my lipstick and mascara and precocious curves, I was as
unresponsive as a fossil. But I seemed to affect people quite otherwise."

"It’s good for my waistline not to eat. There’s nothing finer than a washboard
belly."

When she had her appendix removed, she famously went into the operating room with a
note to the surgeon taped to her waist, asking him to cut as little as possible so as not to
leave a noticeable scar. An integral part of her hairdresser’s job was dyeing her pubic hair
blonde. She also never took off her bra, as Amy Greene, a model and close friend of
Marilyn’s, well knew:

"Somebody, somewhere, had told her that if she always wore a bra, her boobs
wouldn’t sag, and she insisted on it. She slept with a bra on. She told me she’d
finish making love with someone and then, zoom, on with the bra."

Writer Adele Fletcher once waited for Marilyn to join her for lunch:

“She arrived at Elsa’s suite three hours late, at precisely the hour when she was
supposed to be at the Cecil Beaton studio. I later learned that she had had her
hair shampooed and set three times before leaving. She was continually
apprehensive that she would not look her best and people would start saying
her looks were fading.”

Beauty and youth—these were the things women of this character dreaded losing the
most, believing that once they disappeared, they would lose everything. It was as if one
didn’t deserve to live when their “physical perfection” diminished. That’s why they so often
underwent cosmetic surgery.

In the summer of 1953, shortly after her twenty-seventh birthday, Marilyn lay down on the
sidewalk of Hollywood Boulevard. Beside her was Jane Russell, her co-star in Gentlemen
Prefer Blondes. They placed their hands in wet cement, did the same with their feet, and
then scrawled their names alongside the prints. Jane noticed that Marilyn looked both
happy and very frightened at the same time. Earlier that day, her hairdresser had received a
long-distance call:
 “I need your help.”

It was Marilyn, who continued in a panic:

“Please come, and bring your mom.”

It sounded like a real crisis until Marilyn explained:

“I can’t decide which dress to wear.”

Travilla, a costume designer for some of her films, recalls:

"I think she wanted to love, but could only love herself. She was totally
narcissistic. She adored her own face, constantly wanted to make it better and
different. She once told me, ‘I can make my face do anything, same as you can
take a white board and build from that and make a painting.’ But the only way
she was highly sexed [turned on sexually] was the charge she got out of
looking in the mirror and seeing the beautiful mouth that she’d painted with
about five shades of lipstick, to get the right curves, the right shadows to bring
out the lips, because her lips were really very flat. If ever there was a
prick-teaser, it was Marilyn when she wanted to be. She did it for real and for
show."

Norma Jeane’s Childhood

Her family was almost non-existent. She never knew who her father was, so she created an
imaginary one. Because of a picture her mother showed her of a man who claimed to be her
father and who looked like Clark Gable, she created the fantasy that her father was really
him and kept telling all her friends.

To cope with the pain of not having a real family, it’s typical for Sexual E3s to create a
perfect one in their fantasies. Pursuing this ideal image then becomes a frustrating
obsession, as it becomes impossible to attain.

Her mother’s side of the family had a long history of mental illness. Her mother suffered
long periods of depression and was unable to care for her children, so she left her sons with
her first husband’s family. As for Norma—Marilyn’s real name—she had foster parents and,
at one point, ended up in an orphanage.

When she turned sixteen, her adoptive mother had just remarried for the second time, and
they were moving to the East. The condition for taking Norma with them was that she had
to get married. She was arranged to marry a twenty-one-year-old neighbor. Her future
husband’s name was Jim, and what he liked about Marilyn was that she would lean extra
close when they danced, laugh at the right moments, and keep quiet when she was
supposed to. She quickly became the perfect housewife. She learned to cook, and Jim said
she was a good wife. He enlisted in the Navy, and the long absences began. Marilyn, who
wrote to him every day, couldn’t bear the loneliness and started drinking. She decided she
wanted to become a movie star. As her husband became increasingly absent, she divorced
him and left for Hollywood, leaving behind, along with her entire life, her name: Norma
Jeane.

The Sexual E3 has a remarkable ability to disconnect, often breaking away from an entire
past and leaving it behind forever when only a moment before they felt they couldn’t live
without it. However, there is also a need to find themselves, a search for their own truth,
and questioning whether the love they believed was definitive and indispensable was
merely something they invented and idealized:

"This is the end of my story of Norma Jeane... I moved into a room in Hollywood
to live by myself. I wanted to find out who I was. When I just wrote, ‘This is the
end of Norma Jeane,’ I blushed as if I had been caught out in a lie. Because this
sad, bitter child who grew up too fast is hardly ever out of my heart. With
success all around me, I can still feel her frightened eyes looking out of mine.
She keeps saying, ‘I never lived, I was never loved,’ and often I get confused
and think it’s I who am saying it."

Relationship with the Father

Once, at a New York party, Marilyn took part in a game where she had to say what she
wanted most in the world. Her reply was that she would like:

"To put on her black wig, pick up her father in a bar, and have him make love to
her."

Then she’d say:

"How do you feel now to have a daughter that you’ve made love to?"

Vanity in the Sexual

Writer Will Fowler said of her that she loved to undress and show her body to men. She
would do anything they asked, really as a favor:
 "I didn’t sleep around when I was married until my husband went into the
service, and then it was just that I was so damn lonesome, and I had to have
some kind of company, so once in a while I’d give in, mainly because I didn’t
want to be alone."

A journalist once asked her in an interview:

"Tell me," he inquired, "how old were you when you first had sex?"​
"Seven," Marilyn responded.​
"Mon Dieu! How old was the man?"​
The reply came in the famous whisper, with a catch of breath: "Younger."

This was Marilyn’s only jest about childhood sex. Normally, her theme was different—and
grim. She claimed early on that she had been sexually molested as a child, a motif she
would return to obsessively throughout her life. Was it a real event?

"I was almost nine years old and lived with a family who rented a room to a
man named Kimmel. He was a stern-looking man, and everybody respected
him and called him Mr. Kimmel. One day I was passing his room when his door
opened and he said quietly, ‘Please come in here, Norma...’ He smiled at me and
turned the key in the lock. ‘Now you can’t get out,’ he said, as if we were
playing a game. I stood staring at him. I was frightened, but I didn’t dare yell... I
knew it was wrong, but I was more curious than anything else... No one had
ever talked to me about sex, and I never thought it was important."

Here is another of her memories:

“I fell in love with a boy named George... We used to hide in the grass together until he got
frightened and jumped up and ran away. What we did in the grass never frightened me. I
knew it was wrong or I wouldn’t have hidden, but I didn’t know what was wrong. At night I
lay awake and tried to figure out what sex was and what love was. I wanted to ask a
thousand questions, but there was no one to ask.”

Later, when she got married, she reflected:​

“The first effect marriage had on me was to increase my lack of interest in sex. My husband
either didn’t mind this or wasn’t aware of it.”

Her husband, however, had a different perspective:​

“Norma Jeane loved sex. It was as natural to her as breakfast in the morning. There were
never any problems with it.”
Other men in Marilyn’s life, including her psychiatrist, Dr. Greenson, offered contrasting
accounts. They related that she found little satisfaction in sex. Rosenfeld, a multimillionaire
who was intimate with Marilyn, recalled:

“Marilyn thought sex got you closer, made you a closer friend. She told me she hardly ever
had an orgasm, but she was very unselfish. She tried above all to please the opposite sex.
Ah, but it wasn’t just sex. She could be so happy and gay. How I remember that laughter!”

Minardo, another of Marilyn’s lovers, shared a similar experience:​

“She could never have a climax, though she would try so hard. She had such severe
psychological problems. She was very, very unhappy.”

He also mentioned that she used sex to achieve her ends, a claim corroborated by Schaefer,
another of her lovers:

“Marilyn must have been frustrated almost all of the time. For her, sex was part of the
performance. I think she regarded it as her function—being this great, attractive
female—that she was supposed to have sex with a man because that was something she
could do, something she could give. She wasn’t very successful at it, in terms of her own
fulfillment.”

This aligns with a typical pattern among Sexual E3s: once the conquest phase is over, their
desire wanes. Even if they pretend otherwise, their insincerity often hides a deeper
disconnection. This is a clear example of living for the pleasure of others rather than for
one’s own. Marilyn seemed to view sex as part of her job—a routine she accepted, likely
from a lack of understanding of emotional bonds during childhood.

For Sexual E3 women, this pattern is unfortunately common. They often become easy prey,
putting up little resistance. Arrogance emerges as a defense mechanism to distance
themselves from the pain, elevating them above it. They rationalize that offering
themselves willingly gives them control. There’s also confusion between love and sex.
Physical contact is sometimes mistaken for emotional connection, which Marilyn likely
sought desperately.

“I want to love and be loved more than anything else in the world,” she once said.

The first time she fell madly in love was with Fred Karger, the musical director of Columbia
Studios. She described this period:

“A new life began for me… I had always thought of myself as someone unloved. Now I
know there had been something worse than that in my life. It had been my own unloving
heart. […] I even forgot Norma Jeane. A new me appeared in my skin—not an actress, not
somebody looking for a world of bright colors. When he [Fred] said, ‘I love you’ to me, it
was better than a thousand critics calling me a great star.”

Yet, this relationship was not without pain:​

“There was one cloud in my paradise. I knew he liked me and was happy to be with me.
But his love didn’t seem anything like mine. Most of his talk to me was a form of criticism.
He criticized my mind. He kept pointing out how little I knew and how unaware of life I was.
[…] His cynicism hurt me, too…”

When Marilyn wept, he would say:​

“You cry too easily. That’s because your mind isn’t developed. Compared to your figure, it’s
embryonic.”

Marilyn tried to leave him several times but struggled:​

“There was a third and fourth goodbye. But it was like rushing to the edge of a roof to jump
off. I stopped each time and didn’t jump, and turned to him and begged him to hold me. It’s
hard to do something that hurts your heart.”

She was also married to Joe DiMaggio, the famous baseball player, who recalled of their
marriage:​
“It’s no fun being married to an electric light.”

During their marriage, Marilyn had several lovers, and it’s even rumored she secretly
married one of them. DiMaggio was intensely jealous and physically abused her. Marilyn
would arrive on set with bruises that had to be covered with makeup. These aggressions
affected her deeply, though she stayed in the relationship for a long time. They eventually
divorced while she was filming with Billy Wilder.

The film studios capitalized on her divorce, invading her private life and taking advantage of
her emotional vulnerability. For a Sexual E3, a breakup feels worse than death. Marilyn was
in such a fragile state that she lacked the strength to defend herself, allowing herself to be
used.

Her Greatest Frustration: Building a Family

Around this time, she had one primary concern, perhaps the saddest of her life – becoming
a mother. In the fifties, she tried year after year. She married several times and underwent
numerous gynecological procedures, including multiple abortions. She once shared a
disturbing story about being molested, but also claimed that the man involved actually had
intercourse with her. She was left pregnant and had the baby, but her adoptive mother gave
him up for adoption, and she never saw him again. We don’t know if this is true. Amy
Greene, who lived with her, says she made a lot of things up.
Peter Leonardi, Marilyn’s hairdresser and assistant in the 1950s, claims that she had her
fallopian tubes tied to keep her from having children when she was rising to fame, on the
advice of her agent at the time, who told her that a pregnancy would ruin her career.
Apparently, she later had the operation reversed. To make matters worse, friends of
Marilyn’s have recounted a large number of voluntary abortions. She herself once confessed
that she had had twelve. Some of them were performed illegally by real butchers. Later,
she was surprised to find herself unable to conceive.

A friend of Marilyn, Henry Rosenfeld, says that she wanted a baby so badly that every two
or three months, she would convince herself that she was pregnant and put on a couple of
kilos. She was in a permanent state of psychological pregnancy.

Lauren Bacall, who shared filming with her, remembers how Marilyn “came into my
dressing room one day and said that what she really wanted was to be in San Francisco
with Joe DiMaggio in some spaghetti joint. She wanted to know about my children, my
home life — was I happy? She seemed envious of that aspect of my life, wistful, hoping to
have it herself.”

She always sought to build the family she never had and met with one failure after another.
It seems that her inability to achieve this, coupled with an increasing sense of loneliness
and despair, may have played a role in her tragic end. As a Sexual E3, love and family held
greater significance for her than professional success, but she never realized these
aspirations. Excessively dependent, she lacked the inner strength to resist the harmful
influence of her environment. By the time she recognized what true success in her life
should have entailed, it was already too late.

Acting and Professional Life

Natasha Lytess, her acting coach, remembers her like this:

“Her habit of looking at me the second she finished a scene was to become a joke in
projection rooms. […] The film of the daily rushes was filled with scenes of Marilyn, finishing
her dialogue and immediately shading her eyes to find me, to see if she had done well.

Marilyn is shrewd. I wish I had one tenth of her ability for business, of her clever knack of
promoting what is right for her and discarding what is not.”

In an acting class, in the middle of a scene from The Cherry Orchard, her teacher at the
time, Michael Chekhov, stopped to ask her whether she had not been preoccupied with sex
while playing her part. Marilyn replied that she had not. Then Chekhov said to her:
“I understand your problem with your studio now, Marilyn. You are a young woman who
gives off sex vibrations, no matter what you are doing or thinking. And your studio bosses
are only interested in your sex vibrations. I see now why they refuse to regard you as an
actress. You are more valuable to them as a sex stimulant.”

Marilyn told an interviewer that her reply to Chekhov was: “I want to be an artist, not an
erotic freak. I don’t want to be sold to the public as a celluloid aphrodisiac.”

On the set, she was very easily hurt by any kind of criticism. She never felt safe in front of
the camera. She was so afraid of not acting well and of not being physically perfect, that
she couldn’t leave the trailer to go to the set. She had great talent, but she couldn’t believe
in it. Lauren Bacall recalls:

“Marilyn was frightened, insecure, trusted only her coach and was always late. During our
scenes she’d look at my forehead instead of my eyes. […] It was not easy, often irritating.
And yet I couldn’t dislike Marilyn. She had no meanness in her, no bitchery. She just had to
concentrate on herself and the people who were there only for her.”

Scriptwriter Nunnally Johnson wrote in a letter to a friend:

“Monroe is something of a zombie. Talking to her is like talking to somebody underwater.

You can’t get through to her. She reminds me of a sloth. You stick a pin in a sloth’s belly and
eight days later it says, ‘Ouch.’”

Here’s what actress Shelley Winters remembers from a shoot with Otto Preminger:

“Marilyn did what she always did when she was confused. She just opened her mouth and
smiled at anything in sight. Preminger began to use dreadful language, implying that she
was so untalented that she should stick to her original ‘profession.’ Marilyn never looked up;
her smile just became more frozen.”

Then came revenge: she lied to everyone by slipping on the boat where they were shooting,
saying she had broken her leg, which delayed filming and cost a lot of money.

Actress Constance Collier was her acting teacher in later years. This is how she portrays her
weeks before she died:

“She is a beautiful child. I don’t think she’s an actress at all, not in any traditional sense.
What she has — this presence, this luminosity, this flickering intelligence — could never
surface on the stage. It’s so fragile and subtle, it can only be caught by the camera. It’s like a
hummingbird in flight; only a camera can freeze the poetry of it. I hope, I really pray, that
she survives long enough to free the strange lovely talent that’s wandering through her like
a jailed spirit.”
Lee Strasberg, the then-teacher of Marlon Brando and James Dean, took Marilyn in with his
wife Paula and adopted her as his own daughter. In the muddle that was Marilyn, Strasberg
was to discover a creature of dangerous potency. She would find a teacher, a priest for her
personality, and a new dependency. He noticed, in the early classes, that when Marilyn
described her past, she stuttered with fear:

“I saw that what she looked like was not what she really was, and what was going on
inside was not what was going on outside, and that always means there may be something
there to be worked with. It was almost as if she had been waiting for a button to be pushed,
and when it was pushed a door opened and you saw a treasure of gold and jewels.”

She would go to Strasberg’s classes with no makeup on, wearing jeans and baggy
sweaters, and stand in the darkest corner. Her classmates were baffled by her ability to
switch her Monroe persona ‘on’ and ‘off,’ to slip into obscurity only to reappear, suddenly, in
a halo of white light that seemed to envelop her.

Eli Wallach, actor and Marilyn’s partner, was also struck by the phenomenon of Marilyn’s
instant metamorphosis. In the street, heads would turn to stare or ogle, whereas a moment
before everyone had passed her by. “I just felt like being Marilyn for a moment,” she would
murmur.

According to Wallach, at times, the Strasberg acting sessions seemed intellectually beyond
Marilyn. One of her colleagues, Frank Corsaro, came to call himself ‘Marilyn’s translator.’ He
said: “She didn’t know what Lee was talking about half the damn time.” Acting coach Peggy
Feury disagrees, saying:

“Marilyn was so bright about acting. Her trouble was only that she’d get so scared she
wasn’t going to be able to do it, and so tied up in knots, that then everyone thought she
was dumb.”

Lee Strasberg’s son, John, recalls:

“The greatest tragedy was that people, even my father in a way, took advantage of her.
They glommed on to her special sort of life, her special characteristics, when what she
needed was love. My parents did give her some love, but it was inextricably linked with the
acting.”

We end with the testimony by Natasha Lytess:

“I had been her private director for many years, working with her day and night. Yet when
she was asked to do something for me, she had the feeling that she was being used.”
Drugs: The Road to Destruction

She severely abused drugs, and they seem to have been what ultimately killed her. She
used them as a means of disconnection, particularly after the end of a relationship or
suffering a miscarriage. During her marriage to DiMaggio, she was falling apart—shaking
constantly and frequently taking drugs. Many times, she was so sedated that you couldn’t
hold a conversation with her. She went through numerous stomach pumpings and long
stays in detoxification hospitals.

From the age of seventeen, she could only sleep with the help of barbiturates. She suffered
from terrible insomnia, needing an excessive number of pills to sleep and more pills to
wake up. She was taking Seconal when she began mixing in amphetamines, a common
practice at the time among studio bosses to keep their stars working overtime. Dr. Elliot
Corday, her doctor from 1948 to 1955, shared his account:

“I eventually withdrew from the case because she would not employ a decent psychiatrist.
People would understand her death better had they been listening to her in my office back
then. There had been many suicide attempts, more than were known. By 1954, she was
using drugs—I believe hard substances as well as sleeping pills. In the end, I told her I
wasn’t going to be around to witness what was going to happen.”

Her reliance on drugs and pharmaceuticals can be seen as an attempt to escape the
overwhelming hypersensitivity that brought anxiety, fear, and anguish—feelings stemming
from the profound sadness that Sexual E3s carry, hidden behind their meticulously
maintained façades. It was also likely a way to disconnect from the constant self-critique
that plagued her. Sexual E3s often replay their actions repeatedly, judging themselves
harshly and projecting this self-criticism onto the imagined opinions of others. This
self-punishing thought pattern leaves little mental respite, especially for someone living
under the relentless scrutiny of the public eye.

Shyness, Oversensitivity, and Gentleness

Her first acting teacher, Morris Carnovsky, described her as extremely shy and deeply
committed to her classes. She always arrived on time and completed all assignments. Hal
Schaefer, who gave her music lessons and had an affair with her, said:

“She struck me as kind of fey, as not being altogether in this world, not all there. She was
quiet, didn’t open up much. At first, she had no confidence, but she reacted to my teaching
and improved.”

Milton Greene, her partner and friend, recalled:

“I thought I’d seen them all. Being in the business, I’d seen so many models and actresses.
But I’d never seen anyone with that tone of voice, that kindness, that real softness. If she
saw a dead dog in the road, she’d cry. She was so supersensitive you had to watch your
tone of voice all the time. Later, I found out that she was schizoid—she could be absolutely
brilliant or absolutely kind, then the total opposite.”

Arthur Miller’s first memory of Marilyn was at a Hollywood cocktail party.

“[She was] so terrified she couldn’t speak a word, just stood there mute but refusing to
engage in the vacuous small talk.”

Marilyn later confided in Miller about her “smothering feelings of inferiority, her inability to
make any real friends, and the fact that people thought of her only in terms of an inviting
body and nothing else.”

Her medical doctors were certain she needed psychiatric help. Dr. Milton Gottlieb, who
provided her gynecological care, said, “She was insecure, frightened of the reality of life. A
very disturbed young woman.”

This shyness is also closely linked to vanity. The fear of saying or doing something wrong
and being subjected to criticism often drives Sexual E3s into a silence where they can go
unnoticed.

Maternal Instincts

Taking care of someone, away from the world that exacerbated her neuroses, seemed to
bring her a sense of peace. Schaefer recalled the worst year of his life, when he attempted
suicide:

“Marilyn came up to help nurse me. She was very sweet and quite practical. I got well
there, and Marilyn enjoyed it. She looked well, went swimming, got some sun—it was a
very isolated spot.”

Perfect Housekeeper and Hostess

Early in her relationship with Arthur Miller, Marilyn invited some friends to dinner. Even
though their relationship was still a secret, she worked tirelessly to prepare. Miller recalled:
“She did nothing else for two days. I never saw anyone so worried about a simple meal.
Actually, the whole thing was overdone—too formal, too meticulous, too manicured. She
worked herself into a frazzle over it.”

Marilyn played the role of the perfect housewife during her marriage to DiMaggio. She once
described her approach to their marriage:

“Joe doesn’t have to move a muscle. Treat a husband this way, and he’ll enjoy you twice as
much. I like to iron Joe’s shirts, but often I haven’t the time. I like to look at Joe in a shirt I
ironed. A man should never have to think about his clothes. A wife should see to it that his
shoes and suits are sent out to be cleaned.”

Norman Rosten and his wife, who were friends of Marilyn, described her as a good cook
who enjoyed housework. She often boasted about her dishwashing skills, attributing them
to her years as a “child slave” in foster homes.

Relationship with Arthur Miller

Being the partner of an accomplished man, the “trophy wife,” aligns with the aspirations of
a Sexual E3. Her marriage to Miller was her most enduring. She admired his intelligence but
insisted:

“I’m in love with the man, not his mind. The Arthur Miller who attracted me was a man of
warmth and friendliness. Arthur has helped me adjust myself. I’ve always been unsure of
myself. Arthur has helped me overcome this feeling.”

Miller himself confessed to journalist Robert Ajemian:

“She is the most womanly woman I can imagine. Being with her, people want to die. This
girl sets up a challenge in every man. Most men become more of what they are natively
when they are around her: a phony becomes more phony, a confused man becomes more
confused, a retiring man more retiring. She’s kind of a lodestone that draws out of the male
animal his essential qualities.”

He also spoke of Marilyn’s obsessive concern about her lack of education:

“She’ll come to me and say, ‘I heard a new word the other day—what does it mean?’ The
other day she asked me about the word ‘impermeable.’ She often mispronounces a word,
but she wants to learn. How can I capsulize Marilyn? The more you know about people, the
more complex they are to you. If she were simple, it would have been easy to help her.”
Her Relationship with Elia Kazan

Elia Kazan, who knew Marilyn from the early days of her career, provides a heartfelt
description of her in his autobiography. The director was not only Marilyn’s lover but also
her friend and confidant:

"When I met her, she was a simple, eager young woman who rode a bike to the classes she
was taking, a decent-hearted kid whom Hollywood brought down, legs parted. She had a
thin skin and a soul that hungered for acceptance by people she might look up to. Like many
girls out of that kind of experience, she sought her self-respect through the men she was
able to attract.

All young actresses in that time and place were thought of as prey, to be overwhelmed and
topped by the male. A genuine interest, which I did have, would produce results. I’m still
surprised at how quickly women will empty the most intimate secrets of their lives into a
sympathetic ear. I was good at listening, and the stories she told me, with neither malice
nor regret, were amazing.

She’d married Jim, her first husband, so that she wouldn’t have to go back to the orphanage
where she’d been placed after the dissolution of her parents’ home. She was sixteen. She
didn’t like 'anything Jim did to me—except when he kissed me here' (she touched her
breasts). After he was finished, Jim would fall asleep, leaving her awake and unsatisfied.
She remembered taking long walks at night along the tracks where they lived in Sawtelle.

A lover found her available. Fred was a musician, scrawny but able in love. She came as
many as three times with him in one go. He was vulgar, coarse, and scornful with her. He
said she was no good for anything except fucking. He found her dress 'cheap.' He told her
her breasts were too big. He didn’t like to sleep in the same bed with her. He thought her
beneath the conversation, said she was stupid and only good for one thing, which he didn’t
regard too highly. When she left Fred for Johnny, Fred became frantic, and his attitude
changed completely. He begged Marilyn to marry him.

I asked her if she was attracted to men who abused her; when Freddie stopped being mean
to her, was she no longer attracted? I asked her if she respected men who were scornful of
her because their estimate coincided with her own. 'I don’t know,' she said.

When I first met her, after Johnny’s death, she was being courted by Joe Schenck. Mr.
Schenck was one of the richest as well as the most respected men in the 'Hollywood'
community. She told me about the night when Schenck had taken her dancing and asked
her to marry him. Mr. Schenck was then seventy-one years old and had had his first
cerebral hemorrhage.
During the courtship, he took her to his house, showed her a huge room decorated with
piles of money, and told her that it would be hers if she wanted it. To convince her, again
and again, he told her how old he was and that he would not be in this world for long, that
she would be a widow stuffed with millions. 'I’m seventy-one,' he said. 'I know I’m a man of
limited powers. But you’ll find that I’m understanding. If my wife feels she must go with
other men, I’ll understand. But only so long as it’s not the same man twice in a row.'

This did not appeal to Marilyn, who was a romantic. It seemed to me that many women like
Marilyn in that world would have been tempted by this offer, but she was pure of heart.
What she needed above all was to have her sense of worth affirmed. Born out of wedlock,
abandoned by her parents, kicked around, and scorned by the men she’d been with until
Johnny, she wanted more than anything else approval from men she could respect.

But there was a fatal contradiction in Marilyn. She deeply needed to be valued, yet she
respected the men who looked down on her, because they reaffirmed her lack of
self-esteem.

When I first saw her with Art [Arthur Miller], they were dancing, and she looked so happy
in his arms. Not only was he tall and handsome in a Lincolnesque way, but he was a
Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright. All her doubts about her worth were being satisfied in
one package."

It’s interesting that Kazan notes how Marilyn respected men who despised or mistreated
her. Marilyn sought her value in men because that’s where she primarily experienced a
sense of lack. This is a common trait among women of her subtype.

Since she was very young, men only valued her for her sex appeal. Her interactions with
them were often abusive or purely sexual, lacking the depth of a loving connection. Hence
the confusion and the question that haunted her as a child: “What is love, and what is sex?”
This also explains why she repeatedly entered relationships that reinforced the sense of
worthlessness she felt so deeply.

Literary and Cinematic Examples

A Cinematic Example

Nicole Kidman plays Grace in Lars von Trier’s Dogville (2003)

Dogville​
Written and directed by: Lars von Trier, USA, 2003​
Character: Grace, played by Nicole Kidman
The story unfolds in the 1930s in a small American town called Dogville. The set is a
theatrical stage, minimalistic, with white lines drawn on the ground to indicate the
boundaries of houses and the town. Beyond these lines, there’s nothing. It’s as if the town
has no concrete location, a fictitious village existing in isolation from an unknown external
world. Life is confined within a strict, claustrophobic space, as if all the residents were part
of one big family, and the town itself were a single household. Everything happens right
here, within this constrained area.

The first character to enter the scene is Tom Edison (Paul Bettany), a young man full of
projects, a would-be writer who can’t seem to bring his plans to fruition. He is dependent
on his father’s authority and his mother’s protection. According to Tom, the inhabitants of
Dogville have a difficulty receiving and accepting help and being open. He is determined to
get them together to address this issue, even though the villagers are seemingly doing fine
as they are. In Tom’s view, a gift would have to fall from the sky for their problems to get
resolved.

At that very moment, Grace, a beautiful fugitive pursued by gangsters, arrives in Dogville.
Grace symbolizes the ideal woman, with her beauty, femininity, tenderness, generosity, and
kindness. She finds no fault in anyone and always has a smile on her face. Upon her arrival,
when nobody is watching, she steals a bone from the only dog living in the village out of
hunger. Tom catches her in the act and offers her a piece of bread. She says she was raised
to be arrogant and must be punished for stealing, so she cannot accept it.

Tom convinces the villagers to hide Grace in town for two weeks and devises a plan to get
them to accept her. She’ll work for them in return. Grace hasn’t worked a day in her life; it’s
evident from her expensive clothes, healthy-looking skin, and manicured hands. She’s
clearly a wealthy woman who has never experienced hardship. Nonetheless, she’s
determined not to be cast out or betrayed, and she’s willing to pay a high price for this
sanctuary.

Her first objective is to win everyone over. To accomplish this, she will demonstrate her
worth by offering the villagers what she imagines they might need, all with the help of
Tom. Tom, on the other hand, hiding behind his “good intentions,” is pursuing his goal of
finding an escape from the repetitive and closed world of Dogville. Consequently, he will
exploit Grace without the slightest consideration.

Although the inhabitants of Dogville initially claim they don’t want anything, Grace starts
taking on chores that they didn’t even realize they needed until she made herself
indispensable to each and every one of them. She cleans for some, listens to the problems
of others, reads to a blind man and describes to him what he cannot see, picks apples and
helps in the fields, takes care of an elderly lady, and looks after children. She tirelessly
moves from house to house, completing all these tasks without a single complaint. In no
time, she adopts a new persona: efficient at work and modest in her attire – an image that
conforms to what the townspeople expect from her.

Seemingly happy to help everyone, she endures abuse and exploitation to be protected and
considered a “good person.” She even perceives the absurd tests she’s subjected to as acts
of recognition. She adapts, like Tom, to a world where recognition or love are contingent
upon obedience, good behavior, and respect for the rules. Feelings, emotions, and instincts
are part of the “evil” that might threaten this illusory tranquility, this false order, and are,
therefore, punished.

Grace allies herself with these “image” values to the point of defending them against the
inhabitants when they themselves criticize them. She needs to create a comforting narrative
to shield herself from the cruelty of her circumstances. The narrator of the story describes
her as a woman who always knows what others need and has a lot of practice in
controlling her emotions. She adapts to any situation, including becoming the object of
desire for the men in town.

When the hunt for her intensifies and the police arrive in the village to post “wanted”
posters, the people of Dogville, overcome with the typical fear of American society, believe
they’re entitled to demand even greater compensation for the risk they’re taking to hide her.
Tom, as the intermediary between the townsfolk and Grace, draws up a new plan whereby
she’ll work even longer hours. She accepts with good grace, and they go so far as to
mistreat and punish her to unbearable limits in the eyes of the viewer.

Tom, although obviously in love with her, is an accomplice to this cruelty, because he shares
the same fear of not being right, and not being accepted. He manipulates Grace by
promising her protection, and she complies and conforms. She believes him because she
feels a masculine presence by her side.

Grace even tolerates abuse and rape, constantly forgiving her aggressors by rationalizing
their actions and excusing their behavior as a consequence of being powerless against their
instincts. She’s capable of putting up with anything so that they don’t turn her in or throw
her out. These are the constant threats she faces. The important thing for Grace is the
illusory sense of protection that the people can offer her against her persecutors. On one
hand, we can speculate that whoever is threatening her is so dangerous that it’s better to
accept this false security. On the other, we can sense that Grace is well-accustomed to
adapting and being mistreated or overlooked as a person.

When she is finally sexually abused and raped, she retreats into a state of detachment.
This is what the Sexual E3 does: disconnects from the abuse, going so far as to ally
themselves with the abuser. The explanation given to her by a man from the village who
wants to abuse her is all too clarifying: “If you love me you have to satisfy me; if you don’t
satisfy me, you don’t truly love me.” Grace finds it nearly impossible to make decisions and
struggles to express anger or rebellion. She only knows how to be an accomplice to her
exploiters.

She ends up becoming the town whore, though she doesn’t get paid for it. She doesn’t even
seem to have made that choice; she simply lets herself be used and forgives one rapist after
another. Her disconnection helps her deceive herself and maintain that image of kindness,
purity, generosity, and false modesty, closely tied to vanity, or, as we will hear from her
father’s lips in the final scene, arrogance.

But prior to the climax, we witness a scene where Grace finally expresses her pain. The
women of the village go to punish her at her house for having seen her with one of their
husbands. She had been collecting clay figurines that she’d bought with the tips they gave
her. The narrator tells us that these figurines are, for her, symbols of the children born in
the village between the meetings that determined whether she would stay or leave. They
serve, therefore, as proof that her suffering produced something meaningful.

One of the women picks up two figurines and promises not to break any more if Grace can
stop crying. The narrator says that this is the first time she has cried since she was a child
and that for her, they’re like human beings disintegrating. The villager destroys, one by one,
all the clay figurines as Grace weeps inconsolably, as if they were killing her family or
herself. Finally, she connects with the horrors she’s endured and decides to escape.

But she doesn’t make it. The man who had promised to help her flee by hiding her in his
truck, having already collected the money, rapes her and then drives her back to the town.
When she returns, she is chained and forced to live as a slave. The director uses this
external prison to reflect what she has unwittingly created—a product of her vanity, based
on false perfection, control, and detachment. This leaves the audience in deep frustration,
with the desire to articulate what she can’t or won’t.

After another meeting with the people, Tom, who had supposedly become her boyfriend,
can no longer navigate the internal conflict between defending her and protecting his own
position. He turns her in to the gangsters who are after her, calling them on the phone.
When they arrive, they are led by… Grace’s own father. We then learn that she came to
Dogville after a fight with her father, where she had the audacity to voice her grievances
and chose to escape from her previous life.

Now, in the ensuing reunion, it is her father who voices his grievances. She called him
arrogant for believing he had the right to take her rapists’ lives, robbing them of what God
had bestowed upon them. She had justified them, contending that they were not at fault for
obeying their nature. Her father replies that she is the arrogant one for calling her rapists
victims and blaming the circumstances. He accuses her of having the preconceived notion
that nobody can possibly reach her “high ethical standards,” and that’s why she exonerates
them, which is the height of arrogance. The father explains to her that they must be given
the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions—an opportunity she does not give
them. He asks her to return home with him and offers to hand over power to her in return.

These words give Grace pause for thought, and she decides to take her father’s power and
make the world a better place by killing everyone in Dogville. Faced with the woman who
broke her figurines, she orders them to do the same to her children. The accumulated
suffering now drives her to annihilate her aggressors. It’s the price she pays for not having
set boundaries and also the sign that she’s finally taking off her sweet and pristine mask to
reveal her shadow: the rage, vengeance, and the desire to exact revenge on those who
stole her life. Her father is also presenting her with an opportunity—an opportunity to act
on her most deeply hidden instincts, including anger and rivalry towards himself. We, as
viewers, know that she will never be the same.

The film evokes pity for this woman and, concurrently, frustration with her inability to stand
up for herself. Lars von Trier said, in an interview, that he doesn’t feel sorry for his
protagonist. From the perspective of the arrogance that the filmmaker wants to portray,
with her putting herself above her aggressors with that deceptive veneer of perfection, it’s
true that she becomes less pitiful. Yet, if we look at her abusers through the same lens that
she does – as men who have been lonely for a long time, in great need of physical contact,
poor “imperfect” guys due to fear – we begin to fall into her own trap. It’s true that it is fear
that leads them to do what they do, a fear perpetuated by those in authority, which causes
Americans to create societies like the one in Dogville.

Finally, let’s examine how Grace is seen by her father, who accuses her of not giving the
perpetrators a chance to take responsibility for their actions. The Sexual E3 takes on the
responsibility for the wrongdoing of others in order to preserve their image. They are even
capable of romanticizing murderers. However, they do not take responsibility for their own
wrongdoings, which they hide behind a seductive sweetness. If they expose the
wrongdoings of others, they bring darkness to light—and with it, their own ugliness.

The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray is a classic study of the narcissistic personality,
even though it is a fictional account. Like Narcissus, Dorian Gray was an exceedingly
beautiful young man. Moreover, the beauty of his appearance coincided with an equally
beautiful temperament. He was kind, considerate, and concerned. Inevitably, Dorian’s good
looks attracted the interest of a well-known artist, who undertook to paint his portrait. They
also attracted the interest of Lord Henry, a dilettante, who sought to teach him the ways of
the sophisticated world.

With appropriate flattery, Lord Henry seduced Dorian Gray into thinking he was special
because of his exceptional physical beauty. Lord Henry convinced the young man that it
was his duty to preserve his good looks. One way to do that was by ensuring that no strong
emotions disturbed the placidity of his mind or marked the surface of his body. But how
could one prevent the ravages of time? Dorian became preoccupied with, and worried
about, his appearance. What a shame, he thought, that the picture should always show him
as a happy, radiant, and beautiful young man, while he himself aged and deteriorated.
Would that it were the reverse, he prayed—and so it came to be.

Dorian Gray passed the years without showing any sign of aging or trouble in his face or
body. At fifty, he looked as he had at twenty. No lines or wrinkles, no signs of the cares and
concerns of living, marred his visage. His secret was the picture, which aged and showed
the ugliness of a life lived without feeling. But Dorian hid the picture and never looked at it.

In the absence of feeling, Dorian Gray spent his life seeking sensation. He seduced women
(which was very easy to do with his charm and good looks), then abandoned them. He
introduced young men who admired him to vices and drugs, which ruined their lives. Early
in his career, he caused the suicide of a lovely young actress, who fell in love with him but
whom he rejected when her acting failed to measure up to the star performances that
initially attracted him. Throughout all this, Dorian felt no remorse. He never looked at the
picture and never confronted the reality of his life.

Besides Dorian Gray, no one knew about the picture except the painter and Lord Henry.
When the painter demanded to see the picture, Dorian killed him. To hide his crime, he
blackmailed a former admirer into disposing of the body. This person then committed
suicide.

Finally, however, Dorian could no longer restrain his curiosity about the picture, nor could
he still the growing inner torment. Venturing into the hiding place, he removed the covering
from the picture. The twisted, tortured look on the aged face struck him with such horror
that he took a knife and slashed the picture. The next morning, a servant discovered an old
man with a twisted, tortured face lying in front of the picture, a knife in his heart. It was
Dorian.
A Vignette

Barbie and Ken’s dreams, photo by Dina Goldstein

Barbie and Ken's Dreams: The World's Most Famous Sexual E3 Couple

Barbie, the world’s best-selling doll, is now almost sixty years old (with the help, I’m sure,
of her plastic surgeon). She’s living her best life in her artificial and plastic castle, with her
little pink horse (everything is pink: her house, her car, her furniture, her thoughts, her
dreams...).

From the very beginning, she was sold in a bathing suit, ready to be dressed up in her
exquisite and expensive dresses, often by famous designers such as Dior. She started as a
doll for the middle and upper classes.

It is said that if she were a real person with those measurements, her intestines and other
viscera wouldn’t fit due to the extreme thinness of her proportions. Her world is that of
fashion, wealth, and glamour, where human imperfections have no place. She is the eternal
princess in a sterile and asexual world, projecting beauty, fineness, and everlasting
happiness, with a man by her side, Ken, who is her vain masculine mirror.
Aqua’s iconic song Barbie Girl hits the nail on the head with its chorus: “Life in plastic, it’s
fantastic!” Their existence is shallow and empty—one of people who optimize themselves
for the sake of artificial and bitter happiness, with an aftertaste of death.

Barbie Girl

Hi, Barbie​
Hi, Ken!​
You wanna go for a ride?​
Sure, Ken!​
Jump in...

I’m a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world​

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!​
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere​
Imagination, life is your creation​
Come on, Barbie, let’s go party!

I’m a blond bimbo girl, in a fantasy world​

Dress me up, make it tight, I’m your dolly​
You’re my doll, rock’n’roll, feel the glamour in pink,​
Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky...​
You can touch, you can play, if you say: “I’m always yours”

Come on, Barbie, let’s go party!

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please​

I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees​
Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again,​
Hit the town, fool around, let’s go party​
You can touch, you can play, if you say: “I’m always yours”

Come on, Barbie, let’s go party!

Oh, I’m having so much fun!​

Well, Barbie, we’re just getting started​
Oh, I love you, Ken!

Certainly! Here's your revised text with improved grammar and structured paragraphs for better
readability, while keeping the content unchanged:
Transformation Process and Therapeutic Recommendations

What initiates the healing process for a Sexual E3 is reconnecting with their body,
emotions, and thoughts, while recognizing their inherent value. This involves becoming
aware of the loss of the vast richness of their inner world, the repressed vital impulse, and
the condemnation of pleasure. It includes contacting and confronting the pain of such a
loss, recognizing patterns of self-deception, rediscovering spontaneity, humor, openness,
and vulnerability through inner exploration and intimate encounters with others. Opening
their eyes to the denied aspects of their shadow, accepting all parts they’re ashamed of,
cultivating true compassion for themselves and others, and ultimately daring to be and feel
complete are key. This represents the richness and grace of the transformative path they
can find in therapy and the SAT program.

The Therapeutic Process That Leads to Transformation

The therapist of a Sexual E3 must create a loving and non-judgmental atmosphere,

encouraging the individual to reveal their inner self, often buried in denial and shame.
Establishing trust and unconditional support is essential for this character to feel safe
enough to unravel the automatic patterns of their ego. The fear of not being liked, not being
adequate, or not performing well enough inevitably leads them to self-deception and
manipulation—a defense mechanism echoing childhood patterns learned in the relationship
with their parents, specifically through pleasing and hiding themselves.

Therapeutic approaches that emphasize the present moment and avoid getting lost in
verbal conversations—such as Gestalt and body therapy—are essential for a Sexual E3 to
regain their capacity to live fully and break free from the captivating yet deceptive stories
they tell themselves.

My first therapy was Lacanian psychoanalysis. While I found it entertaining, I often became
entangled in a dynamic of seduction. I was conscious of it but couldn’t break free because,
in a way, I felt like I was pulling the psychoanalyst along and was the one in charge.

I underwent psychoanalytic therapy for four years. I understood all the connections
between my adult self and my childhood, yet I felt nothing, and everything remained the
same. I lived in self-deception until I encountered Gestalt and the Enneagram. At that point,
I had no place to hide anymore. It was a shock, like breaking out of a shell. I was forced to
confront my dark side—my shame, my vanity, and my envy. The SAT program was pivotal.
Engaging in authentic movement and theater helped me reconnect with my body and
enabled me to feel.
The SAT process allows for immediate reflection. It opens you up and exposes you to
countless possibilities, all with a sense of playfulness. It’s a profound personal journey that
is nourishing, restorative, and sparks creativity.

To truly understand myself, I first needed to feel seen by my therapist. In order to accept
myself, I first needed to feel accepted for who I am. It was a step towards recognizing that I
can exist without seeking validation or reflecting the gaze of others.

Key moments in my journey began with the Enneagram and later with the SAT. There, I
could finally see myself and realize that I was just one of many people with similar
aspirations and a shared desire to live authentically, genuinely, and vibrantly.

I’ve just returned from the SAT, and I’m coming to grips with the profound impact of the
work I’ve done. For the first time, I could recognize and observe hidden moments in my past
that had a significant influence on me, conditioning me from the shadows. These moments
were like imposed mandates, compelling me to function automatically, out of obligation.
Acknowledging this liberated me, made me feel lighter, and, most importantly, heightened
my awareness. Now, I can fully see and continue to unearth the origins of my character,
understanding where it stems from and how I remain loyal to those mandates that
ultimately hinder me.

Steps Towards Authenticity

Initially, the most valuable therapeutic step involves uncovering self-deception. Then comes
connecting with oneself beyond the facade of falsehood. Finally, it’s about embracing the
darker aspects and deconstructing fantasies. These three steps lead to the courage of
presenting oneself openly, without the illusory support of an image.

If trust and unconditional acceptance are necessary parts of all therapeutic processes, in the
case of Sexual E3s, this already constitutes a pivotal task. Their entire construction of a
false image is rooted in the belief of being accepted not for who they truly are but for the
results they produce. Thus, the initial seduction a Sexual E3 engages in involves offering
the therapist the expected outcome, responding in a very “correct” manner.

Adept at sensing what is appropriate in therapy, they might come off as exceedingly
compliant, playing the role of the “good patient” in sessions. In doing so, they avoid
contacting their emotions and authentic needs. They may use their seductive charm with an
innocent, victim-like, shy, or naive facade. The crucial step towards authenticity involves
dismantling both the seduction aimed at appeasing the therapist and the one serving as
self-protection against connecting with the truth.
Claudio Naranjo recommends the Gestalt continuum of consciousness as a basic exercise
for E3. Here, the patient repeats the formula: “Here and now I realize that…” while engaging
with their bodily, emotional, and cognitive experiences. For Sexual E3s, the real challenge
lies in looking at themselves and responding to their own needs rather than trying to meet
perceived expectations from the therapist. This marks the beginning of establishing a
boundary between “me” and “you” and, more importantly, delving into their inner world and
attempting to express it directly. It’s also about learning to differentiate between thought
and emotion, and between the mind and rationalization. The hardest part is avoiding the
confusion of feelings and thoughts with the fantasies Sexual E3s construct to maintain
self-deception.

This exercise forces them to pause in the present moment, something Sexual E3s aren’t
accustomed to as they’re always focused on what lies ahead—what they should be or do,
and how to achieve the ideal version of themselves that captivates others, allowing them to
feel seen and loved.

Breaking Free from Neurotic Patterns

In a neurotic pattern, Sexual E3s transform any emotion into a practical project, a rational
endeavor where contact with true feelings is lost. Their thoughts lack the value of
self-reflection on what’s happening within or around them. Instead, they serve as rational
strategies for avoiding inner contact, conflict, pain, anger, or fear.

This exercise can serve as an excellent foundation for cultivating the virtue of E3:
authenticity. Turning inward and examining themselves, acknowledging the truth of their
emotions and expressing them, recognizing their thoughts and articulating them—this is
akin to finally revealing themselves to others, with no other motive than to genuinely be
seen.

Shame and Vulnerability

Navigating toward authenticity encounters yet another obstacle: the shame associated with
being themselves. This shame leads to a sense of feeling “lesser,” unworthy, and
undeserving of love. Throughout their lives, this drives them to present an outward
strength and efficiency, a facade that has little to do with their internal reality. It’s an image
that doesn’t align with genuine feelings. Shame is the most readily accessible emotional
state for the Sexual E3. Delving into it more deeply touches upon fear, perceived as the
ultimate monster. Shame is linked to the fear that others might “discover” the
truth—specifically, that beneath the clean and beautiful surface, there’s nothing or
something unattractive and of no value.

There’s also the shame associated with the possibility that their seduction might be
perceived in its erotic sense, as it truly is, rather than as a pure desire for intimate love.
Sexual desire is perceived as dirty, sinful, and incongruent with the image of a good child or
an honest person.

Connecting with Emotions

If repression of the emotional world is the ultimate defense mechanism for E3s in general,
then for the Sexual E3, the therapeutic journey involves connecting with emotions beyond
the anxious state and chaotic sense of fragility and fear of abandonment. It’s about
recognizing the emotional world as nuanced, with each nuance having a name and
motivation. This character must learn not only to feel different emotions but also to see
them as a guide to understanding their authentic needs. This insight enables them to
choose actions aligned with their true desires, leaving behind actions that merely serve to
escape emotions or fill psychological voids.

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maintaining the original content:

The first thing I noticed in therapy was that I didn’t know what I felt. I struggled to connect
with my emotions, and the realization of this disconnection left me feeling bewildered and
distressed. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand what “being, simply being” was
supposed to mean. What did it mean to simply exist or experience? I was confronted with
the emptiness beneath my exterior. Without the facade and coping mechanisms I relied on,
there was nothing—just an empty, almost agonizing space within me, devoid even of chaos
because there had never been harmony in the first place.

Naturally, this journey involves confronting pain. While the Sexual E3 subtype is often
attuned to pain and suffering—sometimes mistaken for a Social E4—when faced with the
profound pain of childhood deficiencies, they enter an unfamiliar realm of panic. Convinced
that they cannot manage their suffering alone, they feel an urgent need for companionship
in the psychological void that terrifies them. It is crucial for the therapist to provide this
sense of support.

I tapped into the authentic pain I had carried since early childhood—the pain of not being
accepted for who I was. Confronting this pain head-on allowed me to experience it fully and
contextualize it in the present moment. I faced the reality of not being liked, not being
deemed adequate or wonderful. I resisted the urge to sidestep it through seduction or to
mask my feelings. Instead, I began presenting myself with a clear, unadorned expression of
what I felt, what I knew, and what I was still figuring out. Gradually, this led me to the
intimate realization that “this is the right way.”

Therapies with a more cognitive or behavioral focus often seem unsuitable for Sexual E3s,
as they tend to reinforce overadaptive tendencies. Similarly, highly confrontational therapies
can be counterproductive, as they directly expose feelings of ineffectiveness, deception, and
impotence, which may strengthen defense mechanisms.

I briefly worked with a cognitive-behavioral therapist. I felt pressured to have answers and
explanations and rejected because of my confusion. Her direct confrontations left me
feeling disoriented and lost, convinced I needed to fortify my “head” even more and shield
myself further from my awareness of helplessness. Afterward, I sought a therapy where I
could “let myself fall” with the assurance of being supported, and I found that in Gestalt.

The therapeutic goal is to help individuals rediscover their intrinsic value. This involves
recognizing their capabilities, embracing individuation, and understanding that
independence does not lead to loneliness but to self-love. The aim is to establish the
foundation for intimate, equal relationships where love is supported by mutual esteem. For
Sexual E3s, this requires maturing, taking responsibility, and becoming the architect of their
own fulfillment. It involves breaking the habit of delegating happiness to a partner and
moving away from the belief that true existence lies in being an ideal for someone else.
This process challenges their deeply ingrained belief that standing on their own two feet is
inconceivable.

The need for admiration, often unconscious at the beginning of self-awareness, stems from
a deficiency in affection and care. Self-esteem issues are masked by projecting the image of
a “powerful” individual. It is crucial to acknowledge hidden competitiveness, insecurity, and
feelings of inferiority. When it becomes clear that an overreliance on physical appearance
arises from an inability to access internal value, the therapeutic focus can shift toward
discovering a richer, more complex self.

Another aspect of therapy involves reconnecting with instinct, which Sexual E3s have
suppressed and tainted by placing it in the service of neurotic seduction. The first step is to
release the rigidity in their body and expression, unshackling the artificial image. This
process aims to reclaim the freedom of gestures and movements, rediscovering pleasure for
its own sake. It’s about experiencing the body not as a foreign object molded for others’
approval but as something intrinsic and sacred. This allows Sexual E3s to perceive their
body as “me” and “mine,” bestowing it with the respect it deserves.

Feeling alive in a raw, physical sense—separate from a controlled image—empowers

Sexual E3s to reclaim lost vitality, anchor themselves in the present, and thaw the internal
coldness that stifles spontaneity. This brings them closer to an authentic reality,
disentangling them from fantasies and idealized self-images.

Dance therapy brought me immense pleasure and joy. Dancing during SAT sessions
heightened my emotions, and authentic movement helped me rediscover spontaneity. I
relished the joy of simply being with myself, flowing with the music. After these sessions, I
clearly felt a shift—from a state of self-control and the need to make a positive impression
to a state of genuine joy, love, and grace that lasted for days. Spontaneous dance therapy,
especially with closed eyes, allowed me to surrender to heightened awareness. It brought a
sense of well-being and optimal integration on physical, emotional, and psychic levels.

Adopting a meditative discipline is fundamental for any deep search for self-knowledge.
For Sexual E3s, meditation helps ground their restless minds in the present moment and
observe their tendency to create falsehoods. It fosters a compassionate attitude toward
themselves, allowing change to unfold naturally. Meditation also cultivates an internal
observer, creating a strong, invisible structure to help them embrace the feared emptiness
without resistance.

Eastern psychology, particularly Buddhist perspectives, offered me valuable insights into

existence and the human psyche. While I initially explored many techniques with “spiritual
gluttony,” I ultimately embraced Vipassana for its simplicity and effectiveness. Regular
Vipassana practice heightened my self-awareness, helping me navigate emotions, conflicts,
and aspirations. It also fostered detachment from negative feelings, offering clarity, serenity,
and empathy. Meditation became a way to rest within myself, connecting me to an
authentic source of love and joy.

Finally, I want to highlight the transformative impact of ayahuasca experiences.

Participating in various rituals, especially shamanic ceremonies, reaffirmed the importance
of spirituality as the primary source of meaning in my life. In one early ceremony, I
encountered deep, long-held pain. I screamed, overwhelmed by immense suffering, and
was embraced by the other participants with love. This moment allowed me to recognize
and surrender to my pain, leading to self-compassion and gratitude for my existence.

In another transformative experience, I witnessed my inner light and felt an unparalleled

reverence for myself. I saw the purity, truth, and joy within me, gradually calming the
enslaving aspects of my ego. I have since freed myself from the need for external validation
and the compulsion to seek love from others. Instead, I now connect with my true self—a
source of genuine love and joy.

Steps of Self-Knowledge
An effective way to revive the soul and reconnect with emotions is through body-centric
practices such as conscious breathing, massage, dance, and spontaneous movement.
Engaging in activities that bring awareness helps to move the body’s energy and rediscover
its vital essence.

Sexual E3s must learn to allow themselves to fall apart and unravel, particularly during
breakups or disagreements, instead of hastily trying to fix things without genuine emotional
engagement. Embracing moments of chaos, uncertainty, dissatisfaction, insecurity,
frustration, anxiety, and helplessness is a significant challenge. They need to learn to let
others express anger or distress without rushing into reconciliation and to accept emotional
distance.

Through this process, Sexual E3s can understand that their impulse to please and seduce,
rooted in the ego, makes them superficial and distances them from their Being. Navigating
this transition means confronting the false, empty image they relied on for support. When
the “truth” is learned, it may feel like standing on shaky ground in a chaotic, fake world.
Initially, this awareness doesn’t bring relief but instead feels overwhelming, like living in a
vacuum, unable to distinguish between dream and reality.

Without their familiar defense mechanisms of constructing fantasies, many people describe
this period as a fear of losing themselves irrevocably. It evokes a sensation of not knowing
“who I am” and doubting the possibility of an existence based on the genuine experience of
being. If the Sexual E3 receives encouragement during this time, the path to transformation
remains open: to truly exist, to feel whole, and to be themselves.

Acknowledging the Shadow

Exploring darker aspects of themselves—such as fear, aggression, envy, jealousy,

competitiveness, and manipulation—is no small feat for Sexual E3s. Their defense
mechanisms resist unveiling their true selves. Letting go of the façade and keenly observing
their shadow without concealment or judgment leads to wholeness. Embracing
vulnerability and revealing authenticity pave the way for genuine connections and intimacy,
breaking through the compulsive barrier of their complacent mask.

Letting Go of Fantasies

Letting go of fantasies confronts Sexual E3s with discomfort and anxiety, as this is where
the distortion and plasticization of their world began. Fantasies act as anesthetic shields,
perpetuating sadness and disconnect in this subtype.
Halting the Constant Doing

The Sexual E3’s incessant doing revolves around constructing an image and solving others’
problems. Ceasing this compulsive doing means recognizing the control they exert over
others and acknowledging their individuality and independence. This creates a neutral
space for listening—not just to others but, foremost, to themselves. Embracing the
emptiness of their unique inner void allows their actions to stem from a connection with
their true selves, resulting in intentional decision-making.

Solitude and/or Isolation

Practices such as meditation and silence help Sexual E3s connect with themselves,
fostering intimate contact that reinforces their own foundation and prevents them from
losing themselves in others.

Fruits of the Transformation Journey

By letting go of seduction and masks, Sexual E3s embrace their intrinsic value and confront
deep-rooted feelings of shame. They find the courage to be vulnerable, make mistakes, and
become more genuine, human, and connected to their true selves.

Relinquishing Control​
Letting go of control, trusting others, going with the flow, and being present without
constant doing helps Sexual E3s rediscover their divine nature. Trusting in a higher power
or “God” alleviates anxiety and fear, bringing them closer to their Being.

Sense of Humor and Contact with Nature

As Sexual E3s reconnect with their inner child and instinctive aspects, a natural sense of
humor emerges. Playfulness and self-expression flourish without the judgment of a critical
superego. Spending time in nature also nurtures their connection to the real and authentic
essence of life.
Taking Back Their Power

Daring to reclaim inner strength and letting go of false roles like pseudo-security or feigned
compassion empowers Sexual E3s to take responsibility for their lives. They learn to exit
abusive or codependent relationships and confront compulsive attempts to manipulate
through victimization or complaining. This transformation shifts neurotic weakness into
natural strength.

Understanding Limits

Recognizing and respecting personal limits supports Sexual E3s in growing as individuals.
By managing the anxiety of emotional distance, they develop healthier boundaries and
balance closeness and distance in relationships. Acknowledging their limitations makes
them more authentic and humane, allowing for a fluid dance between connection and
independence.

Awareness

Through this process, Sexual E3s develop a deep connection with their inner selves. They
break free from compulsions, slow down neurotic tendencies, and express themselves more
authentically. This deepens interpersonal relationships, making new encounters more
satisfying and surprising.

Humility

Moving beyond the “vain need” to be more or someone different enables Sexual E3s to
become more open and trusting. By recognizing arrogance and self-importance and
accepting their own attitudes and limits, they naturally cultivate humility. This fosters
genuine connections with others.

Compassion and Self-Compassion

Through acknowledging their pain and embracing their wounded inner child, Sexual E3s
develop compassion. They learn to love their true selves, rather than their projected image,
and extend this empathy to others. Shifting their focus from using people as tools to
fulfilling expectations to recognizing them as real individuals marks a profound
transformation. This understanding of love as a giving process—rather than a demanding
one—allows Sexual E3s to nourish themselves from within or from a higher source, a true
blessing on their journey.

Allowing Natural Instincts to Flow

Connecting with their inner child—acknowledging its needs, desires, and

innocence—enables the Sexual E3 to rediscover the joy of sexuality. Building relationships
where they no longer have to strive for acceptance becomes a more attainable goal.
Participating in creative, passionate, and unconventional activities, such as painting,
dancing, acting, joking, singing, or engaging in other highly sensory experiences, helps
them let go of rigidity. This not only brings pleasure but also enriches their life significantly.

Finding Meaning in Life

Discovering meaning in life requires giving oneself authentically—not to please others but
to serve and contribute. This necessitates reconnecting with oneself; otherwise, it becomes
merely an exercise in ego nourishment. It is about sowing seeds and bearing genuine fruit.
When the Sexual E3 recognizes the false facade, true goodness emerges—distinct from the
contrived image they once attempted to portray.

Transformation does not necessarily mean altering everything; rather, it involves changing
the relationship one has with those aspects. Embracing things from a new
perspective—even if they remain unchanged—creates a fresh connection, including with
the inner child and the emotions rooted in early childhood.

As awareness grows, the person gains a broader understanding of their virtues and flaws.
With the “real strength” that arises from increased consciousness, self-acceptance becomes
easier. This allows them to move away from vanity, grandiose fantasies, or inferiority
complexes as foundational sources of love and approval. Greater clarity reduces
enslavement to their passions, paving the way for genuine transformation.

A Biography​
By Lorena García

It took me a long time to recognize myself as a Sexual E3. Finally, after the entire SAT
process, I could truly see myself and realize that my confusion had been an important part
of the journey. I understood that I could only look at myself with compassion when I was
mature enough. Before this, I had rejected this trait and subtype. Falsehood was foreign to
me. I didn’t perceive myself as false; instead, I often found myself being overly honest,
unintentionally revealing intimate details and baring my soul. I eventually discovered that
falsehood was precisely this—a lack of internal listening, prioritizing external expectations
and what I believed others wanted from me. It was a kind of emotional prostitution, where I
sold false emotions.

Claudio Naranjo saw this in me and often mentioned it. I imagine he patiently awaited my
realization. This epiphany came during my first SAT as a collaborator, an SAT Education in
Chile. Scenes from my entire life flooded my mind, much like what people describe in
near-death experiences. My initial sentiment during this reflection was that I had been born
with this ego fixation. I was unwanted from the very beginning. My mother attempted to
abort me with an injection from a doctor friend, as abortion was impossible in Spain at the
time. I feel as though I was born with a sense of guilt for simply existing.

According to my mother, I didn’t cry or complain as a child. She insists I was the sweetest
girl in the world. That’s how I remember myself too—always striving to be well-behaved
and avoid causing inconvenience, because I felt like a burden from birth and often believed I
had no right to exist.

I was born in the 1960s, amid an environment of madness, drugs, and apparent freedom.
My mother, an English Sexual E1, had moved to Spain and fallen in love with my father, an
alcoholic Sexual E8 with numerous mistresses. At the time, she was his favorite. My father
already had two daughters with another woman. Everyone in their circle worked in the film
industry, and it was the hippie era (1966), a stark contrast to Franco’s conservative Spain,
where societal norms were much stricter.

Their relationship was short-lived. Despite knowing it had no future, my mother didn’t want
me to be an only child like she was. She became pregnant again, and my brother was born
just a year after me. My father visited the hospital when my brother was born but then
eloped with my mother’s best friend, disappearing from our lives for twelve years.

As my father didn’t marry my mother, during the Francoist era, the authorities refused to
issue birth certificates for my brother and me. In Francoist Spain, if there was no church
marriage, children were practically invisible. Despite not being Catholic, my mother had to
baptize us to obtain our birth certificates. She also devised a clever trick to ensure we bore
my father’s surnames—she gave them to her own mother instead. To this day, when I
request my birth certificate, I must go to a special department where I’m treated as an
outcast, a lingering reminder of my “illegitimate” status. (This status changed when my
father officially acknowledged me at the age of twenty-four.)
Throughout my life, external forces influenced my sense of not having the right to exist. I
often interpreted this as being “special” or different from others, possibly as a survival
mechanism—a kind of arrogance shielding me from the associated pain. It felt as though I
had internalized the belief from my parents that existing in the world required breaking the
rules or being extraordinary.

This sense of unworthiness and the need to deceive in order to survive made me want to go
unnoticed in life. I longed to blend in like a chameleon, fantasizing about invisibility as a
way to avoid exposure. I feared that revealing myself would uncover a dark, forbidden side
of me. In invisibility, I also found relief from maintaining the perfect image I thought others
expected of me.

My father’s departure profoundly impacted me. He left with my mother’s best friend, an
Australian who also worked in film and television. For the first twelve years of my life, he
never called or wrote to us. Occasionally, my mother would pull out photo albums and tell
us wonderful stories about him. I grew up believing that he left because I wasn’t worthy of
having such a good father. My mother was open about his alcoholism, but I still fantasize
about meeting him one day. Passing a homeless man on the street, I would imagine he
might be my father, fantasizing that I could save him and win his love.

As an adult, I consistently sought out men I could “save,” and I was most attracted to those
with a lustful or chaotic edge. My fantasy was always that they needed rescuing—until I
realized that it was I who needed to save myself. It was frustrating when they didn’t want
me to be their savior.

Men have always been central to my life. I invested immense energy in relationships, often
feeling uncomfortable with the emptiness of being single. I believe my father’s absence
contributed significantly to this.

When my father left, my mother had to work hard to support us, and we saw very little of
her. Throughout our childhood, we had several caregivers. One of them, Paqui, was just
sixteen years old when she came to live with us. She adored my brother and me, and I saw
her as a maternal figure. Paqui represented joy in my childhood; her departure when I was
six left a profound void.

I had to grow up very quickly. I developed a strategy to be noticed—seducing men and

playing the role of the perfect daughter for my mother. I helped around the house, avoided
disturbances or making noise, and intuitively read adults’ expectations.

As a child, I was remarkably adaptable to everything. I learned to easily disconnect from

reality, controlling myself in order to survive my difficult environment, always fearing I
might descend into madness. With my mother, I learned to please her so that she would
give me recognition. She always focused on my appearance, constantly criticizing my
physical attributes. I started to care more about my clothes and looks to meet her
standards, especially my hair, which she always picked on. It kept covering my
face—another attempt to avoid attention due to shyness.

Regardless of my efforts, I never felt good about my physique, constantly fixating on what I
lacked rather than appreciating what I had. At the same time, I had the confidence to
seduce and fall in love with almost any man.

Throughout my childhood, my most recurring fantasy was to have a family. In private

moments, I played out scenarios of having a husband and children who were always
together and never separated. It was a secret I didn’t share with anyone, born from the
deep need to have the family I never had. This unmet need followed me throughout my life.
Over time, it became a dream, and now that I’ve realized it—though my family is far from
perfect—I do experience happiness often.

From my childhood, I remember doing things alone or with my brother, whom I took care of
because my mother spent most of her time working. She didn’t set limits for us, and that
was something I envied about my friends—the structure and boundaries their parents
imposed. I vividly recall moments when I would ask my mother to do something or go
somewhere, secretly hoping she would say no. But she never did, and for some reason, that
made me feel very lonely and abandoned. It felt like she said yes just to get it over with, as
if she didn’t want to spend time with me. Having experienced this, I now understand how
limits relate to love, and as a mother myself, I see how difficult it is to set them.

Another example of how neglected we were was when my brother nearly drowned in a
pool. In our neighborhood community, there was a pool, and during nap time, only one
woman was sleeping on a bench nearby. Neither my brother nor I knew how to swim—we
were around five and six years old—yet we were left alone in the pool with no supervision.
My brother fell in while playing, and I stood there, just watching him, frozen. I was looking
at him but didn’t react. A neighbor on a balcony noticed and shouted to another neighbor,
who rushed to save him. It was around the time Paqui had left, which is when I believe my
depression began. I felt a lack of energy, an incapacity to react, and immense sadness.

Around that same time, when I was about six years old, I developed rheumatic fever. My
knees started aching in the cold while I walked to school. Though the pain was mild, I recall
exaggerating it because whenever I fell ill, my mother would care for me a lot. She got
worried when I mentioned the pain, and I remember internally convincing myself that my
knees hurt more and more, just so she would pay attention to me. It feels as if I provoked
the illness out of a desperate need to be seen. After visiting the doctor and undergoing
tests, I was diagnosed with a very serious disease that could affect my heart and even be
fatal. The doctor instructed my mother that I had to stay in bed without moving, and I began
receiving very painful injections. This continued for four years until they operated on my
tonsils, and the disease disappeared.

When I was nine years old, my mother started practicing transcendental meditation. She
told my brother and me that it had changed her life, and she brought us to a large house for
a session. There, we were dressed in white and surrounded by the smell of incense. Each of
us had to offer a toy or object dear to us. I was led into a semi-dark room, and I remember
feeling afraid. The instructor briefly explained how the meditation worked and provided me
with a mantra, telling me it was mine alone to keep and never to reveal. I treated it like a
secret. He left me in the room to practice alone with my eyes closed. I, being very obedient,
didn’t open my eyes until he returned, even though I desperately wanted to leave that
place. The wait felt eternal. I immersed myself in the experience, attuned to the sounds
around me, yet unsure of what I was supposed to do.

I practiced this meditation at home frequently. At first, I felt obligated to do it, but I
remember that it actually helped me. Over time, I even began to enjoy it. Eventually, I
abandoned the routine, but the mantra has always stayed with me.

At the age of ten, I experienced a moment of awakening. My mother, who had previously
been so inattentive, started treating me like a friend. One New Year’s Eve, she took my
brother and me to a party where there were only adults drinking and doing drugs. I asked
many questions about drugs, but everyone told me it wasn’t for kids. There was a man who
was very drunk—and likely under the influence of something else—who gave me an
endless lecture about why children shouldn’t ask such things. I vividly remember the surge
of anger I felt toward him and my mother. The next day, I confronted her for explanations,
and she admitted that what I had been smoking was marijuana. She told me not to tell
anyone because it was illegal.

From that point on, I was allowed to join her and her partner Fausto in the living room when
they were alone. I began smoking with them, and they seemed to enjoy my company. Later,
I discovered they were also using other drugs, like LSD.

I always had friends quite a bit older than me. When I was ten years old, I had
fourteen-year-old friends who were cutting classes at school and already going out with
boys. I started imitating them to fit in and feel at their level. I started skipping classes too
and going to big department stores to steal with two friends from school whom I corrupted
(at least that’s what the school principal accused me of when she found out). We would
take a bus to the center of Madrid (about half an hour from school), enter the store with a
plastic bag each, and exit with it full of things. When I was ten years old, I started rebelling
in response to the lack of limits and attention I received. I started doing poorly in school,
which no longer interested me. I also started lying at home, until they found out about the
truancy. That’s when my mother became more stern than ever, but it was too late for me.
For my mother, the most important thing and the source of her greatest suffering were her
partners; at least, that’s my recollection. She always had partners whom she had to take
care of and financially support; the one who was with us the most was Fran, a Cuban film
director and another alcoholic, who spent the day in bed with a bottle of gin beside him.
They fought a lot, and he would hit her. It was the norm in my house, and many days I
would come home from school and find them in the middle of a fight, with Fran threatening
to throw a chair at her head. I would walk in, see these kinds of scenes, and walk back out
as if nothing happened. Again, I would disconnect.

Even as a very young child, I sensed men’s attraction toward me. My relationship with men
was always strange; I barely knew them, yet I was very curious. What I knew was that they
would be around at home for a while, and then they would leave. I remember the first time
an exhibitionist showed me his penis. I was seven years old, in the garden at home, and he
strolled up and down the street, exposing himself to me. I just stared, looking at him with
wide eyes. Later in my childhood and as an adult, I came across many such scenes, like men
hiding in their cars or in a park, watching me while they masturbated.

The first man in my life was my father. He showed up when I was twelve years old, still
drinking heavily, already an alcoholic. I was smoking joints openly at home by then. The
same day I met my father, I also met my two sisters (daughters of the woman before my
mother). Suddenly, I had a lot of siblings, a lot of competition for my father’s attention
during his short visit. On that trip, Lisa, the Australian (the one he had been with all those
years), called to inform him that she had become pregnant. The doctors had told her it
would be impossible for her, yet just as my father made the trip to meet his children, she
conceived.

I remember that meeting with my father and my sisters, I felt as if I didn’t belong, and was
making great effort to fit in and to make up for the twelve lost years in a short time. I could
see that my sisters were doing much better than me; they were also older.

My father stayed with us for a few days and then returned to Australia, promising to take
my brother and me on vacation to Sydney after a few months. I didn’t quite understand why
he was taking us and not my sisters. It seemed to me that my sisters were his favorites, and
I felt like he hardly saw me.

We boarded a plane to Sydney, suddenly arriving in a wonderful country with breathtaking

weather and nature. My brother Ed, the Aussie, was a few months old when we arrived,
and I became his babysitter. There I met Lisa, my father’s wife and my mother’s friend. To
me, she was the picture of the perfect mother. During the trip, my suitcase got lost, and Lisa
bought me a lot of clothes. I had never had so many beautiful clothes. She was very
affectionate with us, and we lived in luxury, not having to worry about money, in a house in
the middle of the tropics next to idyllic beaches. Suddenly, we had two dogs and another
family, seemingly happy.

My father drank from the moment he woke up until he went to bed. He had his harem of
women, some of whom were prostitutes, and he didn’t even try to hide it. Looking back, my
stepmother Lisa must have been either blind or willfully ignorant, because I imagine she
had been putting up with it for many years.

During my childhood, I could distinguish between those who acknowledged my presence

and those who did not. Those who saw me treated me as the child I was; above all, I recall
a sense of peace and affection when I remember that kind of treatment. Those who didn’t
see me, for example my father, treated me as an adult because of their own confusion. My
father doesn’t know how to relate to the female sex in any way other than sexually.

Whenever my father had children, he systematically separated from his wives. Despite
being with Lisa for twelve years, the birth of Ed marked the beginning of their separation,
which just happened to coincide with our visit. At one point, Lisa left for Melbourne, where
her father lived. It was then that my father began to sexually abuse me in front of my
brother. Initially, it was a shock to me, having never experienced any sexual contact. It left
me paralyzed, and although I didn’t like it, it became the only way I could have a
relationship with my father. I essentially became his girlfriend at the age of twelve. The
abuse persisted the whole time I was there.

He managed to extend our stay in Australia (we were there for six months in total). I went
everywhere with him, attending his parties, seeing him go to whores, and I started to feel
very confused. I fell in love with him and began to experience jealousy. There were many
days when I skipped school because he would take me to the movies or to his office to
assist in scriptwriting or reading, expecting me to offer my opinions. He treated me like his
girlfriend.

One night he was very drunk. Lisa had already left for Melbourne with Ed. We had been at
a party with some of his friends, and we took a cab home, which was about forty-five
minutes outside of town. On the way, he kept saying that when he arrived home, he was
going to kill himself. When we got there, he wanted me to sleep with him all the time. I
was angry and I guess scared, so I locked myself in Ed’s room and got into bed. My brother
Andy was sleeping in another room with a friend. My dad kept telling me to come out, and
that he was going to kill himself if I didn’t. I didn’t listen to him. I just wanted this nightmare
to end. Suddenly, I heard a gunshot followed by silence. I got out of bed, and I remember
thinking that I wished he had succeeded in killing himself. I would feel a great relief. I made
my way from my room to his. When I entered his room, I saw that he had fired into a wall.
He looked at me, laughed, and said, “I missed.” I went in, took the shotgun from him, and
left. I hid it under my brother’s bed, returned to my room, and locked the door. He knocked
on my door all night, asking for the gun.

During all of this, I recall acting like an adult, with a lot of common sense and composure in
the face of everything happening to me. Simultaneously, there was confusion and
teenage-like emotions of infatuation and passion. While I craved my father’s touch and
needed his affection, I didn’t want sexual contact and avoided it as much as possible. I
never experienced a bond with my father as a father and daughter, and I never knew what
it was like to feel a father’s love. The first and only time I experienced it was in a dream,
where I hurt my hip and my father tenderly massaged me with concern, devoid of any
sexual undertones. I sensed his love for me then. This dream was very important for me,
allowing me to feel what it was like to receive loving contact from a father figure. It’s a
dream I’ve had as an adult, already undergoing the SAT process. As a mother now,
witnessing my daughter’s relationship with her own father and seeing her joy in being with
both of her parents, I realize I never had that. We went back for Christmas to Madrid, when
it was summer in Australia. Another thing my father did was teach me how to ride a 125cc
motorbike. He really likes motorcycles and wanted me to learn. I remember we went riding
one day, and I was very angry with him out of jealousy and confusion; he’d just told me he’d
spent the night with a whore. I got on the bike, and accelerated the bike aggressively,
resulting in a crash. A pedal got stuck near my Achilles tendon, which almost left me lame.
With this injury and crutches, I arrived back in Madrid. I didn’t tell my mother about the
motorcycle incident; instead I told her I had fallen into the pool. In Australia, I began to
suffer from fainting spells. Suddenly, my blood pressure would drop, and I would collapse. I
suppose it served as a defense mechanism against everything happening to me. They never
took me to the doctor to see what was wrong. I also started to develop nearsightedness. I
always gave myself the explanation that there were a lot of things I didn’t want to see. The
return was terrifying. I didn’t want to be in Madrid, I wanted to go back to Australia all the
time. I had fallen madly in love, and I couldn’t confide it in anyone. My depression continued
to get worse. My mother learned about the motorcycle accident from a letter I sent to my
father, and she forbade me to return until I came of age. She didn’t find out about the abuse,
although my brother mentioned it to her one night in front of me. It sounded like a joke, and
she didn’t pay it any mind. Upon returning to Spain, they enrolled me in a different school. I
had always attended an English school, which is very different from a Spanish school. I had
loved school in Australia because I was treated there as an individual, receiving the
attention I had missed in Spain. I felt accountable for my learning, a mindset encouraged by
the respectful support given to students facing difficulties. If you struggled with something,
they wouldn’t criticize but instead expressed concern, as if sharing the burden with the
student. When I returned to Spain, and transitioned to a school that claimed to offer a
bilingual education but leaned predominantly Spanish, all the joy for learning I gained in
Australia evaporated, and I began to hate going to school. The only silver lining to this
school was the friends I started to make. I had a teacher who would call me to the
blackboard, and mock and humiliate me in front of the entire class because I struggled with
division (in English education, you divide backwards). This teacher caused me a lot of
distress, and I started to fail all my subjects. I only managed to pass with an “A” in one
subject taught in English. Then they transferred me to an English school, but it was too late.
I decided I didn’t want to attend school and I never went, not even when my mother made
the effort to get out of bed and drive me. When she was gone, I would run away. I had
several motivations for skipping classes, but the main one was boys and my friends, all
older than me. Almost all of them went to high school, and when I ran away from my
school, I would join them there. They had few classes, so I was always with them. I would
drink liters of beer or muscatel in a park, play guitar, sing and smoke joints. I also started
dating my first boyfriend, whom I stole from a close friend while she was away on vacation.
On Sundays, he and other Falangists ran a stand where they sold fascist flags in various
forms, like stickers or cloth. I didn’t hold strong political beliefs, but I decided to become a
fascist too because I didn’t want to feel left out, and because it was fashionable among my
friends at the time. I also think I did it to annoy my mother. Returning home, I would try to
convince my family about the virtues of fascism, and my mother, of course, wanted to kill
me. I was mainly targeting England for taking Gibraltar away from us. I wanted to hit her
where it would hurt most. My mother started taking me to a psychologist, mainly because
of my school problems, and I went for a while. I never revealed anything about my father,
however. I never felt the confidence since the psychologist talked to my mother after almost
every session. What I did achieve is having her persuade my mother to take me out of
school. I wanted to study music, something I always aspired to, but my mother never
bought me an instrument or encouraged it. My father’s family were pianists, and so was my
father, among other things. According to my father, my great-great-grandfather was a
pianist who lived and played in the court of King Alfonso XIII. My father has always claimed
that we have royal blood because my grandfather was the son of the King. He says that my
great-great-grandfather married a courtesan, and that the King had relations with his
courtesans. It’s a tale to keep our sense of uniqueness and specialness. While in Australia,
my father got me a guitar, and I began giving lessons. I had been giving them at school
since I was ten, when, finally, I had received the guitar as a Christmas and birthday gift from
the whole family. I stopped going to school at fourteen, and went instead to a music
academy two hours away from home, recommended by a musician to my mother. My
brother started playing around with my guitar, and I taught him everything I had learned.
Being left-handed, he learned to play as a righty because they didn’t buy him one. He got
attached to my guitar and never parted with it again. He is the one with the talent for music
and now he’s a musician. When I was fifteen, I had my first serious boyfriend, whom I fell in
love with and lost my virginity to. I didn’t feel ready, but since I had older friends who had
already made love, I didn’t want to be left out again. I suffered in this relationship for many
years. He was in love with another woman, whom he met regularly. Love was already the
central point in my life, and the pain was overwhelming. I wanted to die. I spent three days
in my room, constantly crying. My mother helped me a lot, drawing from her own
experiences. She’s always been there for me in my romantic dilemmas, and in those
moments, I felt her presence as a mother more than ever before. This first love’s name was
Carlos, and with him began my journey with hard drugs. Carlos had a sister my age, who
became my close friend, and with whom I began to experiment more with drugs. Her name
was Concha. I started taking LSD with her, and we smoked lots of joints. I was introduced
to the street world. Concha and I experimented with nearly all drugs, except for heroin.
Concha swore she wouldn’t do it because she knew the danger. The drugs provided a
temporary escape from the pain caused by my relationship with Carlos, which never ended
because I kept seeing him. Occasionally, we would get together for a night, but the next day
he would disappear, leaving me feeling empty and sad. During this period with Concha, I
also began my promiscuous phase, and every man I slept with I saw as a trophy. I started
compiling lists of names, sleeping with a different one (or sometimes more) each night, and
adding them to my list. It was a futile attempt to ease the pain and emptiness, which was
only getting bigger. Each man made that feeling of emptiness grow. With Concha, I often
ran away from home, leading my mother to call the police several times. She would file a
complaint, and then not withdraw it. Later, as an adult, I even had the police drag me out of
a hotel bed during a theater tour, because of an old complaint my mother never withdrew. I
was still fifteen years old then. Concha was Galician, and we went to Galicia a few times
with no money. We would sneak on the train, and in Galicia, we met with another brother of
Concha’s, Manuel, a lawyer connected to the Galician mafia (he later ended up in jail).
Suddenly, we lived a life of luxury. It was during this period that my involvement with
cocaine began. I became Manuel’s girlfriend while Concha entered a relationship with a
mafia boss.

On the way back from a trip to Galicia, I met Sara, a student at a religious school. We
became close friends, and the three of us were inseparable. My heroin era began with Sara.
She became the girlfriend of a heroin addict named Curro, who ended up stealing
everything from her family. Meanwhile, I had made friends with Alfonso, an orphan and
also a heroin addict who practically lived on the streets. I became Alfonso’s girlfriend, and
we both started fooling around with heroin. Concha distanced herself; she was very afraid
of this drug. We started snorting, and the first few times I remember wanting to die. I kept
vomiting and couldn’t move. After the first time, I said to myself, “never again,” but kept
doing it because I didn’t want to feel excluded.

We did a lot of things under the influence of Curro and Alfonso. They must have been our
age or slightly older. They started saying that injecting heroin would give a better
experience. The first time I tried it, I lost consciousness and accidentally broke a bar sink
with my head. It took three hours for someone to notice the pool of blood around my
head—I hadn’t even realized. Eventually, they took me to the hospital, where I received
several stitches.

It was a time of living on the edge; the more dangerous the experience of dancing with
death, the better. I didn’t want to be alive anymore, and with each hit of heroin, the wish to
die intensified. I had been in a very bad state for many years, and now things were
seemingly falling into place, especially concerning my father. I later learned that it’s a
normal process for women who have been abused. Before the abuse, the wounds of being
abandoned by him for twelve years had already left their mark. During that period, it felt as
though I was taking on his responsibility and guilt, which were so overwhelming that I
wanted to die because I couldn’t bear it. I felt immense shame. There was nothing tying me
to life, no personal motivation or future prospects, nothing that truly mattered to me, so I
didn’t care if I put it all on the line.

This marked the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. Together with Curro and Alfonso, we
started selling drugs on the street and stealing. We needed (at least) a daily fix. We
injected ourselves with used syringes. There was a spot in a park fountain where junkies
left them for others to use, and we used them until the needles deteriorated from use and
became painful. Syringes cost money, and we didn’t have that luxury.

My mother was unaware of everything. One day, a friend of hers came into my room and
saw a syringe on the floor. My mother found out that day and decided to take me out of the
country. She called my father on the phone, who, perhaps feeling guilty, came to escort us
to England. It was an unusual scenario for me, being with both parents and sensing my
father’s concern. I would have liked to spend more time with them like this. I was taken to a
village in southern England, where only one bus passed through each day. My role there
was to work as an au pair, taking care of a six-month-old baby. I was sixteen years old and
a junkie in deep depression. I brought opium with me to smoke and get through withdrawal.
That’s when I found out that my father had quit drinking when I left at the age of twelve. I
guess he realized what he had done to me, and the guilt led him to stay off the booze and
drugs. He’s always blamed his condition for what he did, never fully owning up to it. I
suppose guilt also made him travel to Spain to save me. He wanted to take me to Australia,
but my mother objected.

They left me there alone, and I really wanted to die. I lived with the family on the floor
above the pub they owned, and naturally, they were oblivious to my struggles. I kept crying
in the silence of my room. I replaced heroin with alcohol. It’s miraculous how I got through
cold turkey. I somehow could function, and despite the pain in my body and all the
withdrawal symptoms, I managed to care for the baby. I also cleaned the house and did the
ironing. The family was very pleased with me, and I think the desire to look good put me in
a very cooperative mindset. Perhaps feeling worse inside made me want to improve my
self-image.

Although I resented my parents a lot for leaving me in that place when I was the one who
needed to be taken care of, I later realized that taking on the responsibility of caring for a
baby was probably what saved me. I was going through hell, from which I could
momentarily escape. What astonishes me now is how effectively I concealed it—no one
seemed to notice.

The village where I lived was called Fletching. There, I had several boyfriends who helped
me hide what I was going through. They were all much older than me. The first one was
twice my age (I was sixteen, and he was thirty-two), but that relationship didn’t last long.
Finally, John came along. He was the one I think I fell in love with, and he was ten years my
senior. I spent every weekend with him and befriended all his friends. They were all bikers
with long hair and intimidating black leather outfits. They went everywhere in packs and
sometimes got into fights, although they were generally peaceful. They were very
foul-mouthed, constantly picking on each other, and, of course, me, as I was the only girl in
the group. There was a pool table in the pub where I worked, and I became an expert at
pool, winning competitions. It amused them to take me from pub to pub, watching as I
triumphed over the tables.

After six months in Fletching, my contract with that family ended, and I returned to Spain.
My friends were still on heroin. Even Concha was hooked; she didn’t inject but still smoked
it. Sara was already prostituting herself. She had another Moroccan boyfriend, more of a
delinquent, who was also her pimp. I found myself getting into that whole mess again, with
Sara, her boyfriend Francisco, and his friend, whom I became romantically involved with. It
was even worse than before. I didn’t resort to prostitution like Sara, but we were always
together, and Francisco was capable of killing to get money. He robbed gas stations, older
women on the street, and on one occasion, stabbed someone and returned covered in
blood, unsure if he had killed or not. I got hooked on heroin again.

This episode lasted six months and ended in betrayal. An acquaintance of mine had come
from Amsterdam with a surplus of heroin, and she had thirty grams left to sell, equivalent
to 500,000 pesetas at the time, which was a lot of money. She wasn’t a junkie and wanted
to sell it quickly. She told me about it, and I told my boyfriend. He suggested that he was
going to rob a gas station with Francisco to get the money for the heroin. When they
claimed to have the money, they called me to meet my friend. The plan was for me to
receive the money, and I would make the exchange with her in the bathroom of a bar. When
we arrived, Francisco seemed very nervous. He was carrying a newspaper with two large
knives hidden in it. He explained that he was going to the bathroom with my friend because
I didn’t know what thirty grams looked like, but he did. Both went downstairs, and
Francisco, wielding a knife, threatened my friend, and stole the heroin. He hurried back
upstairs, saying, “Let’s go.” Sara, Francisco, and my boyfriend left the bar with him, and I
could hardly react. They hopped into a cab in the blink of an eye. I was saying goodbye to
my friend’s boyfriend, who had stayed at the bar with us. When I saw them leave like that, I
realized what had happened. I rushed to the bathroom and found my friend in shock. She
never forgave me, and our paths never crossed again either.

I also never saw Sara and my boyfriend again. I went home and opened up to my mother,
admitting that I was addicted again, telling her everything that had happened. I pleaded
with her to send me back to England. I was afraid of being in Madrid. It was like I suddenly
became aware of the danger of the world I was caught up in.

Coming out of that stage of my life, I felt like I had a guardian angel looking out for me, who
helped me stay alive. I had played with death too much. Three of the men I had slept with
died of AIDS, including Concha’s brother Manuel. Concha is HIV-positive but manages it
with medications that came later. I contracted hepatitis unknowingly (another resilient
character trait). I found out the first time I was tested for AIDS, when the doctor said, “I
have bad news to tell you,” almost giving me a heart attack. Only to inform me that I had
cleared hepatitis B. I’ve always believed some doctors are sadists.

Reflecting on that time now, it feels like it wasn’t a part of my life. I was deeply ashamed of
my family’s behavior. I took the blame to preserve the perfect image of my parents, and I
couldn’t bear the shame, thinking I had caused the abuse and mistreatment. Trapped by it, I
felt like nothing I owned had any value. I was too ashamed to express myself, even to
speak, and I found solace only in drugs. The one that disconnected me the most from pain
was heroin; with it, I felt nothing at all—the pain vanished, and so did the shame. It was like
being dead while alive, which gave me a strange sense of pleasure.

I returned to England, this time living with newlywed friends. At this point, I still couldn’t
name my depression or even recognize it. I remember this period as one of the saddest in
my life. I lived in a village amidst the harsh English winter, where it gets dark by half-past
three in the afternoon, in a house with no heating and only a trickle of hot water. Here I
was, sixteen, almost seventeen, with no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I went back
to my boyfriend, the Englishman, whom I only saw on weekends. These outings served as a
refuge, offering a break from the harsh reality. Our weekends were spent hopping from pub
to pub, drinking and watching talented musicians play live.

I began an apprenticeship in real estate. I liked the job. I learned to type and write
descriptions for the houses we sold. I had a very upbeat boss who took me to play squash
from time to time, trying to teach me with little success (I’ve always been quite clumsy at
sports). He got me deeply involved in the real estate business and boosted my confidence
by actually listening to me and valuing my opinions. He was one of the few men I knew
then who took a genuine interest in me and my growth, without wanting something in
return. He was a bit like what I imagined a father should be.

After this job ended, I started another one in a construction company, managing the books
and writing down numbers all day long. I had to get up every morning and leave the house,
even in the freezing cold at night, without the chance to shower. Eventually, the company
went bankrupt, and I was fired. I found myself unemployed and started messing around
with drugs again.

I moved from where I was living to a friend’s house. She was married with a baby, but her
husband was out all day. We were always partying at her place. I was getting tired of my
weekend boyfriend.

During my time in England, I honestly just wanted to return to Australia, to my father. I was
still a minor, and my mother had told me that I couldn’t go back until I came of age. I was in
the process of obtaining the visa to return to Australia, which was taking time. At almost
nineteen, I finally went back and achieved what I had set out to do and more—I became my
father’s girlfriend. He lived in a mountain village, an hour and a half from Sydney, and
practically took me hostage, turning into a possessive monster. When I arrived in Sydney,
he had his harem, which he left when he started a relationship with me, under the condition
that he could have me available sexually whenever he wanted, claiming me for himself
twenty-four hours a day.

During this time, I did experience sexual and physical aggression. I had granted him
permission, accepted the pact, and given him a free hand. He needed a lot of sexual activity,
and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was a real hell for me.

He forced me to quit smoking and drinking, and I found myself in another prison. I molded
myself into what he wanted me to be, and although I was suffering, I put up with it again
because I felt loved. I know that my father has loved me and loves me in his own way, but
he misunderstands what love should look like due to his own past. He has a history of
incest in his family and witnessed it at home when he was little, from his aunts and his
parents. My grandparents spent his entire childhood fighting—my grandfather was a
communist, and my grandmother was a fascist who called the civil guard and put her
husband in jail. While they were still together, my grandfather didn’t sleep with his wife but
with his own mother. All of this has helped me understand my father’s behavior, but not
forgive him.

Occasionally, I managed to escape and visit my brother and stepmother in Sydney.

Gradually, I started spending more time with them, and my stepmother offered me a job in
her television production company. While I handled secretarial tasks, I also met with the
writing team. It was a subject that fascinated me, despite my quiet demeanor. I learned a lot
about developing TV series, and it provided a respite from the ordeal with my father. We
saw each other less frequently, but he still tormented me whenever we did.

By this point, I had lost sight of who I was or what I wanted in life. My father decided that I
should follow in his footsteps as a screenwriter and film director. He heard about a drama
school relatively close to where he lived, which offered courses in acting, screenwriting, and
directing. He insisted that I enroll. It was a university, and I hadn’t completed my studies,
but I had the advantage of being Spanish. So, when I went to register for the entrance
exams, I told them a lie pushed by my father: that the papers proving I had finished high
school had burned in a house fire, and it was impossible for me to retrieve them from such a
distance. Surprisingly, they accepted this story.

The entrance exams were very difficult. I had to perform both a classical and a
contemporary theater monologue, as well as sing a song. I had no prior exposure to theater
and suddenly found myself reading Shakespeare and learning a monologue. In the town
where my father lived, there was a seasoned actor well-versed in Shakespeare. My father,
treating my audition as a personal challenge, enlisted his help with my monologue. With all
the awkwardness I felt, this became another nightmare for me. Despite the initial
embarrassment, I worked so hard on the monologues that I eventually built the confidence
and strength to give it my best shot. I had acted before, at the age of fourteen, in a movie
my mother had produced.

On the day of the audition, I found out there were around four hundred of us, and they
would select about sixteen. The audition took place in a massive room, with a panel of
teachers behind a long table, taking notes. I performed my monologues and followed up
with a flamenco rumba on the guitar. I think they liked it because of the exoticism, and I was
admitted. This was when I was able to get away from my father for real. That’s why I
believe theater saved my life. I started meeting people my own age and started smoking
tobacco again. My father couldn’t stand this and kicked me out of the house. He told me he
never wanted to see me again because I had taken up smoking.

I moved in with a schoolmate, and renting an apartment felt wonderful. I was still suffering
a lot because of my father, as he was sending me letters saying that he wished he’d never
met me. I confided in this friend about my father, and finally sharing my story was
liberating. What I didn’t anticipate was the reaction of the people I told. They were
horrified, and I almost ended up consoling them, assuring them it wasn’t a big deal and that
I was fine. I felt completely detached from my past experiences, as if they weren’t a part of
me. What truly caused me suffering was the separation from my father and the fact that he
didn’t want to see me; I couldn’t comprehend it.
When I look back on it, I realize how depressed I was and recognize the lack of self-esteem
I struggled with. In college, I was very embarrassed about showcasing my talents, facing
exams almost daily in front of a panel of judges—in acting, voice, singing… anything that
exposed me. I believe my shame from the experiences with my father created a
contradiction: I needed to hide, and at the same time, express myself through characters,
which provided a sense of liberation. Overcome by fear, I would drink cognac before each
exam or performance to relax.

I have both good and bad memories of this university. On the positive side, it enriched me
culturally, which I had never experienced because I had left school so early. I learned to read
theater, acted extensively in front of audiences, even directed a classic ("Antigone"), and
played live music. It also taught me teamwork, introducing me to valuable and creative
people, some of whom I still keep in touch with.

The best thing was the opportunity to learn about the Aborigines and their culture. There
was a subject called Theater Studies, and the teachers who taught it decided to do a
cultural exchange with Aborigines. They reached out to a Western teacher who lived in a
village with the Pitjantjatjara tribe. Six of their elders visited Sydney. The elders are highly
respected and esteemed because they are the wisest of the tribe, a sharp contrast to the
West, where they are often considered a nuisance. It was the first time these elders had left
the desert to venture into a coastal city. They lodged in a house provided by the teachers,
and unaccustomed to indoor living, chose to sleep in the garden. They even moved the
furniture outside to sit on the floor inside.

I got very close to them, as if I sensed that I was going to learn things no one else could
teach me, and I made the most of every second spent in their company. Every evening, we
performed inma, an Aboriginal sacred dance where they sing with their bodies painted,
half-naked. Depending on the body paintings, women and children, only men, or only
women can participate. It’s a sacred rite to perpetuate life on Earth, attract food, and
celebrate health. I felt privileged to be part of this.

Upon their return to the desert, they had to select six students to spend time with them.
They chose me and five of my best friends from college. Along with two professors, we
traveled to Alice Springs by plane and then by 4WD to Mimili, their home. Recognizing the
devastating impact of Western Australians taking away many of their sacred lands like
Ayers Rock or Uluru, they had implemented a new law prohibiting white man access
without permission from the Aborigines. In Mimili, we were the only white people, together
with this teacher who lived there and in whose house we stayed.

It was one of the best experiences of my life, and my first spiritual encounter, which at
twenty years old, I couldn’t quite name or fully comprehend in all its glory. I felt a
connection with those people that transcended words, originating from a place I can’t
describe. They were very generous with us in imparting knowledge about their culture, and
I learned to appreciate nature and the land, which was like their home. There were codes to
enter certain areas, requiring us to wait until invited. Each rock held symbolic meaning, and
they graciously guided us to their most sacred places. Daily sessions of inma became a
shared practice, and in return, we performed theater in front of an earnest and eager
audience.

The Aborigines have a strong need to preserve one of the world’s most primitive cultures, a
culture that Western society is slowly destroying. During the ten days I spent with them, I
witnessed this destruction firsthand, and I connected with a very ancient pain whose origin
still eludes me. The youth had stopped following the elders and embracing their cultural
heritage. Caught between two opposing worlds, they felt like they didn’t belong anywhere.
Their desire to die was evident, and tragically, many of them were slowly dying. They spent
their days inhaling gasoline fumes, numbing themselves until the inevitable happened.

In their culture, there is no concept of forbidding children; instead, they accompany them
through their mistakes, offering no judgment, simply being there for them. This was their
approach to the children and young people who were succumbing to their pain, witnessing
their race’s self-destruction. For the elders, it was meaningful that we, despite being young
Westerners, were so interested in their culture. It gave them hope. In the final days of our
visit, the young ones set aside their gas cans and joined us during inma time, dancing and
singing alongside us and their teachers. It was a deeply touching experience. Though things
reverted to their usual state after we left, we felt we had given them something significant.

I felt guilty and ashamed to belong to the West. I also felt a deep connection with those
children and their desire to die. Their pure, lost gazes resonated with me in a way I had
never experienced before, touching my heart. I still remember Bradley, whom I regarded as
a little brother, who died shortly after we left. I returned to Mimili a year later with three
friends, immersing myself in their culture for twenty-one days. I ate worms and kangaroos
until I suffered diarrhea and vomited for four days straight. It seems that culture shock often
manifests in this way.

Upon my return to college, I excelled in writing essays and theoretical papers, but failed in
everything that required presentation, like acting. Eventually, they expelled me, telling me it
wasn’t the right place for me. In retrospect, I realize that I was never a conventional actress,
quite the opposite. In a conservatory, especially an English-speaking one, there seemed to
be no room for someone like me, especially at a time when I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to
pursue acting because it made me suffer too much. Oddly enough, being kicked out served
as a catalyst, solidifying my decision to continue and pursue acting.

I was on vacation in Spain when I received the news of my expulsion. Before leaving, I had
partially separated from my then-boyfriend, with whom I was living. I had become pregnant
and made the decision to have an abortion without consulting him, something he couldn’t
accept. This led to our separation. By that time, I had begun to grow closer to my father
again. He had a new girlfriend, who was younger than me and had previously been my
brother Andrés’ girlfriend. Later, they would have another son together, my little brother
Manolo.

My father’s girlfriend was deeply involved in rebirthing therapy and convinced him to enter
therapy in an attempt to fix our relationship. He agreed and called me so we could do it
together. At that point, I had already awakened my desire for deeper introspection during
my experience with the Aborigines and through acting, so I agreed. I also hoped for a
different relationship with my father. I was still with my boyfriend James and looked
forward to them getting to know each other.

During my first session with the therapist, she told me that she would prefer to work
separately with my father and me. I was honestly relieved by this. Her style involved
minimal conversation before or after the sessions. The first session was very revealing for
me, as the breathing exercise brought back many images and moments from my childhood,
a time when I had no control over what was happening to me. I felt very supported by the
therapist, but afterward, there wasn’t much space for further discussion, and I would have
liked that. She then invited me to a group session, which I attended but didn’t engage with.
I held back, feeling scared because there were people with much more experience and
maturity than I had. I was the youngest in every way. I just wanted the session to end so I
could leave.

I don’t recall if I had the abortion before or after these sessions. But at some point, I went to
see the therapist again, and she explained more about the rebirthing technique. She told
me that everything is recorded in our unconscious from the moment of conception and that
we begin to feel from that very moment. This connected me to the pain of having had the
abortion. A flood of guilt hit me, and I cried for all the times I hadn’t cried before. Until then,
I had assumed the abortion caused me no trauma or pain, and that I only felt relief. This
woman helped me reconnect with my true emotions. The first time I made contact with
myself was with the Aborigines; the second time was with her.

It’s curious that I initially went to therapy to work on my relationship with my father, yet we
never discussed it, even though many of the images from that first session involved him. I
had been waiting for the therapist to bring it up, but she never did. I don’t know if she was
waiting for me to do it. I still felt a lot of shame and, I suppose, fear. Internally, I had
somewhat forgiven him. Later, when I started Gestalt therapy, I realized that I hadn’t
forgiven him at all but had instead swallowed his guilt, convinced that I had provoked
everything that had happened.
Emotional disconnection helped me survive my childhood and adolescence. When I began
to reconnect with my emotions, I knew I was on the right path, but it was very scary. The
fear was that I might open a void of pain in me that could never be closed again and that
the suffering would never stop. I had learned to survive without feeling. Yet, confronting
that pain made me feel alive, and I knew it had to be good for me.

Being an actress connected me to life. Inhabiting the worlds and lives of other characters
ignited my passion because it reconnected me with my own life and aspects of myself that
had been dormant. The contact with the audience frightened me so much that it made me
feel alive too.

When I returned to Madrid, I began my search, which I didn’t realize was my calling until
much later. At that time, there weren’t many drama schools in Madrid. My mother, a talent
agent for actors, always leaned toward performances that were more connected to truth
and less to artifice. In Spain, overacting—intense, tense performances—was still highly
valued, in my opinion.

My mother always had a knack for this kind of thing and was searching for a school that
would teach her clients to be authentic and personal. She comes from a family of actors;
both her parents were actors, and she was on the path to becoming one too. Her first job as
a child was in the theaters where her parents performed, calling the dressing rooms to
inform the actors about the time remaining before going on stage and ensuring they
complied. When she finished school, she managed to pass the entrance exams for one of
the best drama schools in England. However, her father told her that if she wasn’t willing to
sacrifice everything to be an actress, like scrubbing stages for several years, she shouldn’t
even try. This discouraged her, and she gave up on that school. I believe she would have
made a fine actress.

My mother supported my decision to pursue acting, insisting that I should study. She sent
her actors to learn from Cristina Rota, and I joined them. At that time, Cristina was the only
one who conducted classes in the living room of her house. I spent four years at her school,
where I learned a lot, and, most importantly, I began to enjoy myself. I no longer felt
scrutinized every time I performed, which allowed more room for mistakes and exploration.
Cristina was very generous and dedicated a lot of time to me. Both in class and when I had
a job or an exam, she would give me private coaching sessions without charging me. She
was the one by my side during the transition from her living room to a venue where we
began performing for the public. After completing my studies with her, I directed a short
play, and that’s where I met Marcos, a musician who was also studying at the school
because of his interest in acting. He composed the music for the play I directed, and we
started a courtship that lasted four years.
Cristina Rota extended an offer for me to stay at her school, but I declined. Despite learning
a lot from her, I still felt lost and believed that to grow further and learn more about acting,
I needed to leave for some time. I wasn’t completely sure if I wanted to be an actress,
although her school was the closest I had come to that realization. I’ll always owe her a lot
because it was there that I ultimately decided I wanted to pursue acting, thanks to the taste,
enjoyment, and confidence she instilled in me. It was the first time I felt capable of taking on
this path.

My search continued, and my mother suggested I try a school in Los Angeles. I didn’t like
the city at all; it felt enormous, and the people seemed very fake (this was the thing that
threw me off the most. I wonder if it was because I hated seeing my reflection in them). I
only saw hypocritical smiles, and I felt very lonely. During that trip, I also visited New York,
a city beating with life in every way. I loved it, especially listening to live jazz in tiny bars,
always with impressive musicians. Once again, I put myself in danger by going with
unknown men, buying drugs on 42nd Street, venturing into unsafe neighborhoods… Yet,
once again, nothing untoward happened to me, and I remained oblivious to the gravity of
the situation until I told my friends about it, and they pointed out the risks I had taken. I was
utterly disconnected from fear.

Now I’m the opposite; I’m afraid of everything. I don’t have as much faith as I used to that
there’s some invisible force protecting me. I’d like to reclaim this sense of security, even a
little bit, so I can relax. Now that I’ve shifted to this other extreme, I fear that if I’m not the
one controlling every moment of my life, something terrible will happen. It’s exhausting. I
think it has to do with aging and being more experienced in life. Now stability matters a lot
to me, unlike before, which was evident in my heroin days. I also think my second subtype
might be self-preservation, so the need for security is more pronounced in me at this point
in life.

Another important reason for not moving to the United States was that I had fallen madly
in love with Marcos. Having just separated from my previous boyfriend, Jose, with whom I
had been living for two years, I found myself without a place to stay. Since my first
boyfriend, Carlos, had left me, I developed a pattern of being the first to leave in
subsequent relationships. I suppose it was a way to avoid facing the pain of abandonment.
When I left, I also left many of my belongings due to guilt and, once again, to preserve my
image. Unable to cope with the emptiness and grief of separation, I always found the next
partner right away—sometimes the very next day or even before officially breaking up.

At the beginning of my relationship with Marcos, I couldn’t find a place for myself. I lived at
my mother’s house and also ended up partially living with him at his, which was always a
mess and had no natural light. We called it the “hole.” It was quite depressing. During this
period, I was very insecure and wore heavy makeup. I couldn’t step out onto the street
without it. I felt far from perfect.

We moved into my childhood home, which my mother rented for very little money because
it was pretty old. Although it had served as my mother’s office for a while, she needed a
larger space. I took Marcos out of the “hole” to live in that posh neighborhood, in a beautiful
apartment with a garden and a swimming pool. I had this fantasy that I was rescuing him
from misery, although he wasn’t really miserable. I think Marcos is an E8 like my father. I’ve
always been attracted to E8s. He was the bassist in a trendy band at the time.

I was still looking for an acting school. Two of my actor friends from Cristina Rota’s school
had just returned from Buenos Aires and told me about a school there run by Carlos
Gandolfo and a teacher they had met, Juan Carlos Corazza. Since my mother was also eager
to bring someone from abroad for her actors, I told her about Juan Carlos and suggested
inviting him to give a seminar and get acquainted. My mother contacted him on the phone,
asked for his resume, and proposed that he come to Madrid to give a seminar that summer.

I was in charge of organizing the event with my mother, and I also took part as an actress. I
immediately connected with him and felt like I had finally found my teacher. This meeting
was as significant for me artistically as it was personally. Everything I had learned at school
in Australia was totally at odds with this approach to acting, which involved research,
embracing the unknown, and learning how to learn. Instead of putting on armor, it was
about baring the soul, and for this, knowing oneself at a deep level was crucial.

I remember the first exercise I did alone in front of all the attendees, where Juan Carlos
asked me what I felt and what I needed. No one had ever asked me this before, and I
started to cry, continuing throughout the entire seminar. It was as if I was exposing all my
fragility, which had always been concealed by my cold exterior and restraint. At that very
moment, I began walking down a path that would change my life.

Through Juan Carlos, I learned about Gestalt and met my teacher, Claudio Naranjo. Juan
Carlos incorporated much of what he learned from Gestalt and Claudio into his classes.
Around that time, I also became friends with someone practicing Gestalt therapy, and I
began individual therapy with a Gestalt therapist she recommended. I started therapy
partly because it was a trendy thing to do in my circle and partly because it seemed
appropriate given my experiences, but I didn’t feel a genuine need for it. After a while, the
therapist terminated our sessions and advised me to return when I truly felt the need for it.
It was a bold move that turned out to be a great favor, because it pushed me to connect
with my true needs.

With therapy, I began to see that things weren’t right in my relationship with Marcos. I had
entered a process of personal growth, and he wanted nothing to do with it. I felt lonely and
dead in the relationship. I thought we were the perfect couple when, in truth, we loved each
other a lot, but it wasn’t the right time to be together.

Before we broke up, I went to Australia with the intention of renewing my permanent
residency, but I arrived late and lost it. Initially planning to stay for only two weeks, I ended
up staying for two months. I went to Bali, invited by my stepmother Lisa, along with her
and my brother Ed. Upon returning, I couldn’t change my ticket to Madrid and went back to
Australia, where Lisa got me a job in a television series. In Australia, I was well-received
because I was considered exotic, and after filming three episodes, they offered me a
permanent position. I declined because it would mean leaving my entire life in Spain again. I
also had a meeting with my father, and although he wanted more, it scared me, and therapy
had connected me with anger. I didn’t tell him this, again driven by the desire to protect him.

While in Australia, I had a lover, which gave me the strength to end things with Marcos
when I returned. My friend Ana, the one who introduced me to Gestalt, was also planning
to separate from her husband. I broke up first, and then she followed. Ana helped me a lot.
She moved in with me, and I decided not to rush into a new relationship but to take my
time. Initially, it felt a bit like a chore. I had lovers but didn’t marry any of them. Ana
practiced meditation, and I took up the habit again, which offered much-needed solace. I
spent two years without a partner, meditating, doing therapy, and taking theater classes.
Encouraged by Ana, I participated in my first group dance therapy with Graciela Figueroa.
This workshop impacted me profoundly because it was a new experience, and I felt very
awkward in my body.

Ana also convinced me to try the Fischer-Hoffman process, which I did with Paco
Peñarrubia’s team. It was another impactful experience, and Enrique de Diego, part of the
team, provided great support. In one exercise, he asked me to read a letter to my father
aloud for the group. It marked the first time I publicly accused my father, and I’ll always be
grateful to Enrique for that.

I’ve always felt the need to have a man by my side. Whenever I tried being single, I felt a
deep emptiness and a lack of self-confidence. Now, I understood that looking for a man to
fill that void would never make me happy. I wanted to start feeling good about
myself—complete and self-assured.

It was my second year studying under Juan Carlos, and two schoolmates and I decided to
stage a play. I secured the minimum funding, and two other classmates ended up directing.
We found a theater for the performance and even managed to do a small tour. On our
premiere night, we caught the attention of a theater director, and I was offered my first tour
across Spain.
At the end of this tour, Juan Carlos proposed that I start teaching at the school together
with Catalina Lladó. He was directing a play and needed substitutes for his classes. We
began teaching together and formed our first group. While I enjoyed teaching, I also
realized that it could potentially keep me away from acting. I decided to stay connected
with the school by attending some workshops without the commitment of leading one.

I was at a crossroads, torn between fully immersing myself in the Studio’s work or stepping
away entirely. I enjoyed my time there, and Juan Carlos had this idea of putting together a
team where we not only taught but also performed in theater. These people felt like family
to me, and my closest friends were working there. Considering all these factors, I decided to
stay. Plus, it offered a steady income, which gave me a sense of security. I spent fourteen
years working for Juan Carlos, and in the later years, I began to desire to be a mother,
channeling all my energy into it. Although staying there felt like having a father and
siblings, I realized that to keep growing, I needed to leave home. I am very grateful to Juan
Carlos for everything he taught me about education, acting, and art.

Being fully engaged in teaching at the Studio distanced me from my acting, something I had
neglected for too long. Consuelo, a fellow Studio member, and I decided to stage a play
where I would act, and she would direct. We chose Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, which
turned out to be challenging in every way. I began realizing that I was developing a
different vision of my profession. I needed to liberate myself and explore my own approach
to being an actress. I wanted to break free from that neurotic need to be perfect, yet
everything I enjoyed and experimented with in rehearsals disappeared in front of the
audience. My vanity took over, making me feel trapped by the image I projected.

Only towards the end did I truly start acknowledging myself as an actress, because I began
allowing myself to be surprised and possessed by something beyond my control—one of
the reasons I love my job. Acting has been liberating for my ego. It’s funny, and it may seem
contradictory, but standing in front of an audience, embodying a character with a world
distinct from mine, has freed me from my vanity. I’ve felt like breaking free from my cage.
Acting compels me to step out of my comfort zone and trust in a higher force.

The time came when I needed to leave the Studio to continue growing. It was very difficult
for me because it had been my family for many years. Juan Carlos was both a father and an
artistic mentor to me. This paternal dynamic, in a sense, became a trap. By placing myself in
the role of a daughter, I became accommodating, blind to certain things, and not entirely
honest. My teacher will always remain my teacher.

I met the man who is now my husband, M., ten years ago. It almost coincided with the
death of Carlos, my first boyfriend, in a motorcycle accident before I turned forty. With M., it
has been an ongoing journey. Before him, I was with Jose, another musician and another E8,
and that’s when I stopped getting involved with such men. Jose appeared after my first SAT
Program course, during which I went a bit crazy (or perhaps my craziness became more
evident). I attended this SAT with my boyfriend at the time.

And that’s when I met Claudio Naranjo. The day before going, something miraculous
happened, which I’ve always associated with the magic of the SAT program: my father, who
hadn’t spoken to me for years, called me, crying, and asking for forgiveness. It was the first
time I heard him cry, and it left me in shock. He was about to move in with a girlfriend, and I
had previously told her about the abuse I endured from him. She, having experienced abuse
from her own father, decided to leave him. He was devastated, and I, in a moment of
automatic desire to appease him, said that yes, I forgave him. However, it was another
instance of false forgiveness.

I arrived at the SAT identifying as Conservation E2, but Claudio always told me that he
thought of me as a Sexual E3. It was hard for me to accept this because of my
history—always in search of intensity and drawn to danger. Additionally, given my past
with men, it was difficult for me to see myself as what I perceived as a Sexual E3—women
who were good girls, always composed, controlled, rigid, and sometimes labeled as
sexually frigid. They had all been exemplary students. I felt like the opposite of all that, yet
the underlying pattern was the same. I realized this five years later.

During that SAT, I was trying to play a role that didn’t correspond with who I really was.
Firstly, I was uncertain about my own character traits, and then, during the parental work, I
struggled with the concept of forgiveness toward my parents. When I returned to Madrid, I
wrote a letter to my father, informing him that I had done some work and forgiven him. He
wrote me back, again blaming his circumstances—alcohol and drugs—for what he had
done to me. It was as if that request for forgiveness I had received from him before I left for
SAT evaporated, and witnessing his lack of accountability made me very angry. It was then
that I realized I hadn’t truly forgiven him.

When I came back from SAT, my boyfriend and I broke up due to my own infidelity, which
he eventually found out about. I felt terrible about it. I went to my mother’s house and let
him stay in what used to be our home until he had sorted things out. I suddenly felt very
guilty for all the harm I had caused him, something I hadn’t thought about while living out
the affair.

I met up with my lover one last time, and that’s when I realized our supposed connection
had all been my illusion. I slowly distanced myself, unintentionally causing him a lot of
harm. Later, I learned how much he suffered due to our separation.

Still grappling with the sadness from the breakup with my boyfriend, I decided to go away
for a weekend with my friend Ana, who lived with her husband and their baby in a town
outside Madrid. Her husband asked if I could give a ride to a musician friend of his, Jose,
who turned out to be my next partner. This relationship became a nightmare. I got swept up
in its intensity, and before I even knew who I had gotten involved with, we had already
rented an apartment and moved in together.

I went through hell, and instead of leaving, the abuse just got me more and more hooked. I
think I needed a relationship like that before I could heal from all the toxic ones in my life. I
had suicidal thoughts, cried non-stop, but couldn’t find the strength to leave. Jose is
incredibly talented as a musician, sensitive, and cultured. I was attracted to this side of him,
as if I had met a genius who gave my life meaning. He himself thinks he’s a genius and is
angry with the world for not recognizing him, which reminds me a lot of my father.

Jose made me feel so small and diminished my self-esteem to the point where I thought I
was nothing without him. I was afraid I wouldn’t survive without his support. This
relationship cost me my friendship with Ana, who one day told me that Jose didn’t respect
me and was telling people intimate details about me. She tried to make me see how
destructive it was, but I couldn’t. We didn’t speak for seven years after that.

I felt incomplete without a man, and I preferred being with someone like that rather than
being alone. I needed a man by my side as much as I needed air to breathe. It took me two
years to participate in the SAT again. During SAT II, I was more honest and shared the hell I
was going through. Neither my closest friends, with whom I worked every day, nor anyone
else had heard anything. There were many days when I went to work without sleep, having
cried all night, and concealed it so well that apparently no one noticed.

A year later, Jose told me he was leaving, unable to handle the damage we were causing
each other. Even though he made the decision, I was the one who left home. I wanted to
die, and the next day, I took a plane to visit my mother in Los Angeles, where my
stepmother Lisa was also working at the time. My mother took great care of me, treating
me to massages, spa days, and shopping excursions, which helped me momentarily forget
everything. After this, I’d call my friends and share my tragic story. This is my most frivolous
side; one of the places that allows me to disconnect from everything is the shopping center.
As I look at clothes and spend money, my mood changes, and the hell I was going through
disappears, even if only for a moment.

During that trip, I finally had a conversation with Lisa, my stepmother, about what had
happened with my father. My older sister (my father’s daughter from his first marriage) had
told the whole story to our family. I had confided in her, and I guess feeling the weight of
being the older sister, she spilled the beans. Lisa had lived with us during the early stages
of the abuse and said she hadn’t known a thing. She apologized for not noticing and not
doing anything to stop it. I listened, but I always felt uncomfortable talking about it with my
family. I think Lisa didn’t see a lot of things because she didn’t want to see them.
My sister also had a sexual relationship with my father later on, at a time when they were
operating on his son, who recently died at twenty-one due to numerous surgeries for a
brain tumor. She was twenty-six at the time, and I believe she was really desperate,
needing a father figure. Our confusion from having an absent father and a distorted
understanding of love likely contributed to this. She says he took advantage of her situation
and raped her.

The breakup with Jose helped me mend my relationship with my mother. For the first time
since leaving home at fifteen, I went to live with her for a while, and I finally allowed myself
to be her daughter, not the mother. She, in turn, became more of a mother to me than ever.
She took care of me, gave me advice, cooked dinner every night, and listened to me. And
surprisingly, I let her.

The problem for daughters who’ve taken on maternal roles for their mothers lies within us,
as we sometimes don’t let them be mothers. I realize I had put myself above my mother,
recognizing my arrogance—a very egotistical aspect that didn’t allow me to learn how to
take care of myself because I didn’t know what it was like to have a mother.

I had left home at a young age and always looked after myself, either by working hard or
relying on a boyfriend for support, but I never asked my mother for anything. I did ask her
for money once when I needed it for therapy, as the therapist suggested. I got into a huge
fight with my mother and didn’t speak to her for a while. This presented an opportunity for
her to care for me too. I felt incredibly guilty asking her for money and allowing her to take
care of me, like I was playing a role that wasn’t mine. It felt as if something inside me had
been torn apart.

I’ve often focused more on the sadness or pain in my life, seeing myself as a victim of the
circumstances and the people around me. As I write this biography, I’m recognizing the
harm I caused, especially to the men in my life. Seeing myself as a victim is also vain
because by paying attention only to the damage others did to me and not acknowledging
my own role in all of this, I maintain an intact image of myself.

Another thing is that I’ve always claimed to be faithful, in contrast to others of my subtype.
However, looking back, I realize I very rarely was. As long as my relationships were going
well, sure. But when I no longer felt fulfilled, I sought outside what I was missing inside.
This pattern was connected to my commitment to my father. On one hand, I wasn’t fully
committed to a man, and on the other, I pursued secret affairs. I was also unfaithful to Jose
towards the end of our relationship. I think I did it out of revenge.

I was thirty-three when I separated from Jose, and I was terrified I would never find another
man and wouldn’t be able to start a family—realize my dream. I still carried the sense of not
being fulfilled without a man, and I think I stayed with Jose for so long out of fear of being
left with that emptiness. I even wanted to get pregnant with him, even when we were
apart.

At this point in my life, I met Bert Hellinger and learned about his Family Constellations
method in Seville. I went to work on the issue of attracting men who weren’t good for me
and the belief that I could never have a healthy relationship or start a family. Hellinger did a
simple constellation with me. He asked me to pick representatives for my mother and
father. I was supposed to "play" myself. Then he instructed me to position them.

The way I arranged them, he quickly identified the theme of incest. He explained that
women who place themselves in the position I did often do so with the desire to reunite
their parents, assuming the mother’s role. He rearranged the positions, removed me from
where I had placed myself, and had me tell my mother something like, “This is your
business, not mine, and I hand it over to you.” It was liberating, and I felt it was a crucial
part of my journey, lifting a huge weight internally. The following year, I met the man who is
now my husband, someone very different from the men I had typically sought. He treats me
very well.

That year, I took the SAT III, and Claudio Naranjo invited me to collaborate with him to
create a theater production for the SATs. I was surprised because I hadn’t done anything to
make this happen—at least not consciously. I’ve always felt unconditional love from
Claudio; he loves me simply for who I am, with no ulterior motives. Despite feeling
awkward and clumsy around him, he has always valued me, which has caught me off guard
time and again.

The invitation came one evening when we were having dinner together. I opened up to him
about something that had been bothering me: I couldn’t forgive my father, no matter how
hard I tried, and I didn’t know how to move forward. Claudio told me that I didn’t have to
forgive him, and that perspective has been one of the most valuable gifts he’s ever given
me. I felt an immense relief, as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve always
been grateful to him for that.

After being with M. for a year and living together, he eventually told me that he wanted to
end things between us, feeling that he wasn’t in love. This turned out to be one of the most
important lessons of my life. It coincided with the wedding of two of my friends, who
invited me to join them on their honeymoon as they noticed my distress. It was August, and
I wanted to die. I couldn’t stop crying, reliving all the feelings of abandonment from my past
through this separation. I didn’t eat, smoked non-stop, and relied on pills to sleep. My
friends did everything they could to help me, offering wise advice and listening to me, but
nothing seemed to relieve the pain. It was two weeks of torture, but in the end, I returned to
Madrid stronger than ever, able to face everything. Internally, I had let go of M., and this
was the ultimate lesson.
Driven by my fear of abandonment, I had ended up suffocating him (of course, he had his
share of commitments as well). When I stopped doing that, he began to get closer again.
When I came back, he told me that he wanted me to give him another chance. I set a few
conditions, including couples therapy. He agreed, and our first step was a session with Suzy
Stroke, which proved to be immensely helpful.

M. and I got engaged, and I relaxed, no longer smothering him. I’ve always wanted to be a
mother, and we began trying for a baby when I turned thirty-eight. Initially hesitant, M.
gradually warmed up to the idea. I always assumed that once I made the decision, I’d
immediately get pregnant, but that didn’t happen. It turned into an obsession. I read
everything available on the subject, tried various methods to track ovulation, and our sex
life began to suffer due to my controlling ways.

I practically became an expert on pregnancy. I knew I needed to chill out, as everyone kept
telling me, but I couldn’t. I found it increasingly difficult to relax, and I enjoyed sex less and
less. Gynecologists recommended in vitro fertilization. I wanted to adopt, and M. knew this,
but he wasn’t yet ready, so we decided to go ahead with IVF. After two attempts, we gave
up. It was an incredibly tough time for me. I took each failure terribly, feeling a lot of pain
and anger. My womanhood seemed to be at stake. I don’t know where this idea came from,
but I didn’t feel complete as a woman if I couldn’t get pregnant. I was also under the
influence of all the hormones they gave me, which made me highly sensitive and caused
changes in my body.

Before making the second attempt, M. was already more open to adoption. We agreed that
if this attempt also failed, we would adopt. My friends Ginetta and Grazia suggested I stop
IVF and talked to me about adopting from Ethiopia. I was very encouraged by this, and I
asked Ginetta to be the godmother if we chose Ethiopia. Now, she’s our daughter’s
godmother.

We began the adoption paperwork. I told M. about Ethiopia, but he wanted to look into the
possibility of adopting from Nepal. He had filmed a documentary there and seen an
orphanage, and he wanted our child to come from there. I, on the other hand, wanted a
newborn baby if possible, for the selfish reason that I adore babies and thought it would be
easier in every way. I doubted I’d be able to adopt a child who already had a lot of baggage
due to the suffering that comes with such circumstances. They had recently opened an
adoption program in Ethiopia, with an easy, speedy process and the chance to adopt very
young infants. So, we decided to go for it.

One of the requirements for the adoption was to get married. While I had always dreamed
of a wedding, M. thought it was silly; we had a mortgage together, so for him, that already
meant we were married. We had a lovely ceremony with a few friends, celebrating at my
mother’s house. Taking this step felt important for both of us, and I saw it as a fundamental
part of my personal growth. It was also incredibly exciting. Both of us opened our hearts
more, but I especially noticed this in M.

A year and a half went by, and just before I left for an SAT in Mexico, we received a call
informing us that they had pre-assigned us a three-month-old girl. Her name was Kalkidan.
We received pictures, and I took one with me to Mexico. On my first day there, I had some
free time, so I went shopping for clothes for her, something I was eagerly anticipating.

When I returned to Madrid, they provided me with a scheduled travel date to bring her
home, depending on the outcome of legal proceedings. However, a document got lost the
first time, and they postponed it. They gave me another date for my trip. On the morning my
mother and I were set to leave, I received an early morning call notifying me that the baby
girl had died. It appeared to be a sudden death. They found her in her crib in the morning,
but she died between bottle feedings. Her biological mother had died in childbirth. Life’s
mysteries—just as I was about to travel to get her, she died. Thank God I didn’t have her
with me yet. I was in deep anguish, but I can only imagine how much worse it could have
been. M. had to deal with this news while on the road. Pain has always brought us closer,
so even though we were in despair, we had each other.

I spoke several times with the director of the adoption agency. I felt tremendous support
from her. She asked if we wanted to proceed, as there might be another baby soon. Two
days after Kalkidan (whom we were going to call Lucía) died, another baby appeared in
Hossana, and two weeks later, we were summoned to the agency, where they asked us if
we were ready. I immediately said yes, but M. had some doubts. He didn’t want to rush into
something new so soon after our loss. The child was two weeks old at that time. Her name
was Abenezer. She was born in the field and was found by a farmer because she was
crying. She was wrapped in a jacket with the umbilical cord still attached. The farmer
brought her to the police, and when someone finds an abandoned baby, they have to name
it. This farmer named her Abenezer, which means "helped by God." And thanks to the grace
of God, she survived.

The court date was set for August 2, and we planned to travel on the 4th. M. was able to
come, though he had to leave early. My mother also came to stay with me, helping me with
the paperwork after M. returned, bringing all her enthusiasm. My brother Andy had his son
on July 29, so my mother became a grandmother twice in one week.

The trial on August 2 couldn’t take place due to a power outage in Addis Ababa. It got
postponed to the 5th, but we chose to proceed with our travel plans anyway. There’s
always the risk that the trial may not go well, though it’s less common for abandoned
children. Alternatively, something could be missing, leading to a delay until September. Abi
was one and a half months old when we met her. Following the trial day, the court was to
be closed until mid-September. I had decided that if she couldn’t come home, I would stay
there with her for as long as necessary.

We met her on August 4, and for me, it was love at first sight. I never left her side again.
That night, I bathed her and put her to bed in the foster home with Hanna, one of her
caregivers. The next day, the trial was to be held, and if it was favorable, we could take her
to the hotel with us. Luckily, it was, and we cried and jumped for joy when we received the
news.

A year ago, we went on a trip to Australia with the whole family: my mother, my daughter,
my husband, and me. My mother wanted to show us the house she had built in the tropics
about three years ago. She said she had it built with the hope that we would visit every
year. I always told her I wouldn’t be going; it’s too far, and said she should build one on the
Spanish coast. Despite that, she built a huge house in Australia, and I think it’s mainly for
herself. I also can’t help but think it’s not a coincidence she chose the country where my
father lives, but well, those are just intrusive thoughts…

Lisa, my stepmother, had been battling cancer for four years and had been diagnosed with
metastasis (it had already spread to her bones). I wanted to visit her to say goodbye, but
the mistake was doing it with my mother. She paid for the entire trip, which was very
generous of her, and I felt obligated to take her with me. We spent a week with Lisa and
then traveled north to my mother’s house. That trip was a bit of a nightmare for me. My
father lived near my stepmother, and I had decided to see him too.

I hadn’t seen him for seventeen years and started contacting him by email about a year ago,
when I finally felt that I could. I felt more at peace with him. I arranged to see him during
that week, and my mother mentioned that she also hadn’t seen him for a long time. Her
therapist had suggested it would be good for her to see how she felt because she believed
she didn’t feel anything. She wanted to take advantage of my meeting with him to see him
too.

This began before we left for the trip, and I started telling her no, insisting that she should
arrange her own meeting with him. I set a clear boundary, but she didn’t want to listen.
When we got there, she was still trying to take advantage of my meeting with my father. It
led to a heated argument, with both of us crying. I had to stand firm for her not to come
with me. It made me recall what Hellinger said: my mother was, once again, using me as a
middleman to get closer to my father. Unconsciously, she made me her pawn. I brought this
up during our argument, mentioning what I had told her about my work with Hellinger
years before, but she didn’t remember. The resolution was that I could go with my husband
and daughter to meet my father without her. Even so, during the last meeting I had with my
father that week, my mother still managed to join in at the end because that’s how she had
apparently arranged it with him. I left immediately to give them privacy.
My father was very nervous and arrived late; I had already thought he wouldn’t show up
and blamed my mother because I had called him to let him know she also wanted to see
him and would be at the meeting with me. He didn’t know she wouldn’t be there. He
eventually arrived, and we spent the day together with my brother Ed and his wife, and my
husband and daughter. We talked a lot about the lost years. He is in his eighties, living in
the middle of nowhere, where he paints a lot and makes a living from it. With the money he
makes from painting, he’s shooting a movie he produced, and he was very excited about
this. He’s in excellent health, he does a lot of sports and takes care of himself. He’d always
had a girlfriend or several, but this time he talked about one. I felt calm and strangely
detached during this encounter. I’ve always felt awkward around my father, and had a need
to get close to him as soon as possible to bridge the gap of lost years, but this time I didn’t
feel this need at all.

I decided to go back to spend some time alone with Lisa after our trip to the north, to my
mother’s house. M. had to return to Spain. I was aware that this would be the last time I’d
see her. I went with my daughter, and it was very depressing, but Lisa always maintained
her sense of humor, avoiding sinking into the gloom, pretending that nothing was amiss,
that she wasn’t going to die. She told me a lot about her past and her childhood, revealing
things she had never discussed with me before. I spent some time with my brother Ed as
well. I had a feeling Lisa might not live much longer, given what she disclosed about her
diagnosis and treatment, but my brother and mother insisted she would live for years. I did
a little “big sistering” for my brother, preparing him for what might come.

Lisa’s always had difficulty letting herself be taken care of; she could be a Sexual E3 like
me. Throughout her life, she took care of everyone. She passed away nine months later at
home, surrounded by her son, her sister, and a friend. Her death was apparently calm and
pain-free. They set up a hospital bed at her home to make her more comfortable, provided
her with morphine (kept in the fridge for when she needed it), and the doctor also went to
see her every day.

During that time with Lisa, we also talked about my father. She hadn’t spoken to him in
years, angry since she had learned what he had done to me. One day before she passed
away, he visited her, and they managed to reconcile, which was a relief for everyone,
especially my brother. In the days leading up to her death, she arranged her funeral, or as
she preferred to call it, the celebration of her life: she made lists of people she wanted to
invite, made a recording of her voice, searched for a venue... She was very busy planning
her party. Her sister would often say to me in English, “She’s putting on a show.” And that’s
what she did till the end, putting on an outward display that had nothing to do with the
harsh reality of her illness.
I had a second meeting with my father, this time alone with him and my daughter. Although
my youngest brother, Manu, who is now twenty-two, and Ed were supposed to be around,
Manu wasn’t present, and Ed was working. I felt nervous, not keen on the idea of being
alone with my father. Lisa had gone into town (she lived in the suburbs) and had made it
clear that she didn’t want him in her house. She had taken one of his paintings years ago as
collateral for money he owed her, and she was afraid he would try to retrieve it. When my
father arrived, my daughter was asleep, so I suggested having coffee outside in the garden.
He went into the house to use the bathroom, and I started to feel uneasy.

We drank the coffee, and when Abi woke up, my father asked if I wanted to talk about our
past together. He told me that he had always believed I had forgiven him, and it was a
surprise when I said no years ago. I simply replied that I didn’t feel the need to discuss it at
all, and he didn’t bring up anything else. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with my
daughter around. My focus was on self-protection. I thought if we went into this, he would
likely become defensive as usual, blaming everything on his situation and not taking any
responsibility himself, while holding me accountable.

If my daughter hadn’t been there, I would have gone in for the kill. I knew it was a matter of
either getting into a fight or skimming the surface as if nothing was wrong, and I wasn’t
willing to do the latter. The way he posed the question made me realize that I had to
confront him to make him see something, a different perspective, because he did it in an
accusatory tone, as if he was an angel and I was a witch for harboring resentment towards
him for so many years; that’s at least how I felt about it.

We spent the day together, had lunch with my brothers and sisters, and then spent the
afternoon alone again. I felt strange, realizing that I’ve never really had a father-daughter
relationship with him, and that there’s virtually no bond between us. I was cold with him;
however, he was more affectionate, as if wanting to make amends for the past in his own
way. I just wanted for it to be over and done with; I didn’t feel comfortable.

The court date was set for August 2, and we planned to travel on the 4th. M. was able to
come, though he had to leave early. My mother also came to stay with me, helping me with
the paperwork after M. returned, bringing all her enthusiasm. My brother Andy had his son
on July 29, so my mother became a grandmother twice in one week.

The trial on August 2 couldn’t take place due to a power outage in Addis Ababa. It got
postponed to the 5th, but we chose to proceed with our travel plans anyway. There’s
always the risk that the trial may not go well, though it’s less common for abandoned
children. Alternatively, something could be missing, leading to a delay until September. Abi
was one and a half months old when we met her. Following the trial day, the court was to
be closed until mid-September. I had decided that if she couldn’t come home, I would stay
there with her for as long as necessary.
We met her on August 4, and for me, it was love at first sight. I never left her side again.
That night, I bathed her and put her to bed in the foster home with Hanna, one of her
caregivers. The next day, the trial was to be held, and if it was favorable, we could take her
to the hotel with us. Luckily, it was, and we cried and jumped for joy when we received the
news.

A year ago, we went on a trip to Australia with the whole family: my mother, my daughter,
my husband, and me. My mother wanted to show us the house she had built in the tropics
about three years ago. She said she had it built with the hope that we would visit every
year. I always told her I wouldn’t be going; it’s too far, and said she should build one on the
Spanish coast. Despite that, she built a huge house in Australia, and I think it’s mainly for
herself. I also can’t help but think it’s not a coincidence she chose the country where my
father lives, but well, those are just intrusive thoughts…

Lisa, my stepmother, had been battling cancer for four years and had been diagnosed with
metastasis (it had already spread to her bones). I wanted to visit her to say goodbye, but
the mistake was doing it with my mother. She paid for the entire trip, which was very
generous of her, and I felt obligated to take her with me. We spent a week with Lisa and
then traveled north to my mother’s house. That trip was a bit of a nightmare for me. My
father lived near my stepmother, and I had decided to see him too.

I hadn’t seen him for seventeen years and started contacting him by email about a year ago,
when I finally felt that I could. I felt more at peace with him. I arranged to see him during
that week, and my mother mentioned that she also hadn’t seen him for a long time. Her
therapist had suggested it would be good for her to see how she felt because she believed
she didn’t feel anything. She wanted to take advantage of my meeting with him to see him
too.

This began before we left for the trip, and I started telling her no, insisting that she should
arrange her own meeting with him. I set a clear boundary, but she didn’t want to listen.
When we got there, she was still trying to take advantage of my meeting with my father. It
led to a heated argument, with both of us crying. I had to stand firm for her not to come
with me. It made me recall what Hellinger said: my mother was, once again, using me as a
middleman to get closer to my father. Unconsciously, she made me her pawn. I brought this
up during our argument, mentioning what I had told her about my work with Hellinger
years before, but she didn’t remember. The resolution was that I could go with my husband
and daughter to meet my father without her. Even so, during the last meeting I had with my
father that week, my mother still managed to join in at the end because that’s how she had
apparently arranged it with him. I left immediately to give them privacy.

My father was very nervous and arrived late; I had already thought he wouldn’t show up
and blamed my mother because I had called him to let him know she also wanted to see
him and would be at the meeting with me. He didn’t know she wouldn’t be there. He
eventually arrived, and we spent the day together with my brother Ed and his wife, and my
husband and daughter. We talked a lot about the lost years. He is in his eighties, living in
the middle of nowhere, where he paints a lot and makes a living from it. With the money he
makes from painting, he’s shooting a movie he produced, and he was very excited about
this. He’s in excellent health, he does a lot of sports and takes care of himself. He’d always
had a girlfriend or several, but this time he talked about one. I felt calm and strangely
detached during this encounter. I’ve always felt awkward around my father, and had a need
to get close to him as soon as possible to bridge the gap of lost years, but this time I didn’t
feel this need at all.

I decided to go back to spend some time alone with Lisa after our trip to the north, to my
mother’s house. M. had to return to Spain. I was aware that this would be the last time I’d
see her. I went with my daughter, and it was very depressing, but Lisa always maintained
her sense of humor, avoiding sinking into the gloom, pretending that nothing was amiss,
that she wasn’t going to die. She told me a lot about her past and her childhood, revealing
things she had never discussed with me before. I spent some time with my brother Ed as
well. I had a feeling Lisa might not live much longer, given what she disclosed about her
diagnosis and treatment, but my brother and mother insisted she would live for years. I did
a little “big sistering” for my brother, preparing him for what might come.

Lisa’s always had difficulty letting herself be taken care of; she could be a Sexual E3 like
me. Throughout her life, she took care of everyone. She passed away nine months later at
home, surrounded by her son, her sister, and a friend. Her death was apparently calm and
pain-free. They set up a hospital bed at her home to make her more comfortable, provided
her with morphine (kept in the fridge for when she needed it), and the doctor also went to
see her every day.

During that time with Lisa, we also talked about my father. She hadn’t spoken to him in
years, angry since she had learned what he had done to me. One day before she passed
away, he visited her, and they managed to reconcile, which was a relief for everyone,
especially my brother. In the days leading up to her death, she arranged her funeral, or as
she preferred to call it, the celebration of her life: she made lists of people she wanted to
invite, made a recording of her voice, searched for a venue... She was very busy planning
her party. Her sister would often say to me in English, “She’s putting on a show.” And that’s
what she did till the end, putting on an outward display that had nothing to do with the
harsh reality of her illness.

I had a second meeting with my father, this time alone with him and my daughter. Although
my youngest brother, Manu, who is now twenty-two, and Ed were supposed to be around,
Manu wasn’t present, and Ed was working. I felt nervous, not keen on the idea of being
alone with my father. Lisa had gone into town (she lived in the suburbs) and had made it
clear that she didn’t want him in her house. She had taken one of his paintings years ago as
collateral for money he owed her, and she was afraid he would try to retrieve it. When my
father arrived, my daughter was asleep, so I suggested having coffee outside in the garden.
He went into the house to use the bathroom, and I started to feel uneasy.

We drank the coffee, and when Abi woke up, my father asked if I wanted to talk about our
past together. He told me that he had always believed I had forgiven him, and it was a
surprise when I said no years ago. I simply replied that I didn’t feel the need to discuss it at
all, and he didn’t bring up anything else. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with my
daughter around. My focus was on self-protection. I thought if we went into this, he would
likely become defensive as usual, blaming everything on his situation and not taking any
responsibility himself, while holding me accountable.

If my daughter hadn’t been there, I would have gone in for the kill. I knew it was a matter of
either getting into a fight or skimming the surface as if nothing was wrong, and I wasn’t
willing to do the latter. The way he posed the question made me realize that I had to
confront him to make him see something, a different perspective, because he did it in an
accusatory tone, as if he was an angel and I was a witch for harboring resentment towards
him for so many years; that’s at least how I felt about it.

We spent the day together, had lunch with my brothers and sisters, and then spent the
afternoon alone again. I felt strange, realizing that I’ve never really had a father-daughter
relationship with him, and that there’s virtually no bond between us. I was cold with him;
however, he was more affectionate, as if wanting to make amends for the past in his own
way. I just wanted for it to be over and done with; I didn’t feel comfortable.

My daughter comes from a country where women face significant mistreatment. Almost all
the girls are raped at a very young age, becoming pregnant and keeping it a secret to avoid
being disowned by their families. They give birth alone, often in remote rural areas, and
abandon their newborns. Some of these children die, while others, like my daughter,
manage to survive because someone finds them and hands them over to the police. They
eventually find homes in orphanages or foster care.

Since becoming a mother, I’ve begun to appreciate my own mother and all mothers in the
world even more. I love my mother deeply and recognize all she has done for us. She has
had a tough life, and her story, when compared to mine, seems terrifying. I’ve found it in me
to forgive her, and we now have a good relationship.

I began writing this autobiography two years ago, and upon reviewing it now, there are
many things I would change. But, this is what I presented to Claudio. Reading it again, with
the wisdom of hindsight and introspection, I recognize that my writing style also carries
traces of my ego. I see the desire to preserve my positive self-image and portray myself as
a very good person, but I confess, I’m not that saintly. There are also other things I would
include, and one, in particular, comes to mind that I’ll add now.

I thought I had written about my great-grandmother, but reviewing it now, I see I haven’t.
About a year and a half ago, an antique dealer tracked down my mother online and reached
out to her. He had come across an album belonging to an actor who had worked in my
great-grandmother’s theater company. The actor created the album before going off to war.
The antique dealer, very kindly, mailed us the album, and that’s how we discovered that my
great-grandmother had been an actress, a theater director, and an acting teacher.

The album was full of photos, hand programs, and newspaper clippings with reviews of her
plays. My grandmother was featured in the programs and reviews because she worked
with her mother as an actress when she was very young. Strangely, she never shared much
about her mother, probably because they didn’t have the best relationship.

Discovering this has empowered me to pursue my own path in theater. Around the same
time the album surfaced, I stumbled upon a theater space, and now I’m doing what my
great-grandmother did many years ago – a revelation I hadn’t even considered until
recently. There must be something grander at play here, some higher force bigger than all
of us. It brings me relief to think about it. Since I started writing this autobiography, my
professional life has seen rapid growth. Suddenly, the social subtype, which I used to relate
to the least, has become much more present in my life.

This autobiography reflects my own version of my life. Other people, like my mother,
probably have a different perspective on my childhood. She didn’t see me as unhappy, but
that’s how I truly felt. This leaves me with questions: What is reality, and when did I learn
to construct falsehoods? Internally, I’ve mostly experienced sadness in my life, yet out of
deceit, I’ve presented the opposite. So, the interpretations vary. All the events are factual,
and it makes sense to me that I’ve developed this character.
Social E3
 Social E3

Passion in the Sphere of Instinct: How Vanity Works In The

Social Subtype

When the passion of vanity intertwines with the social instinct, it manifests as an
unrelenting and insatiable desire for constant validation of one’s worth—an incessant need
to be recognized as “somebody” in the eyes of everyone.

As a representative of this Enneatype, the Social E3 is driven by a passion to project a

self-image that feeds their vanity—an image crafted to compensate for their low
self-esteem. They often perceive themselves as inherently uninteresting, only becoming
noticeable through their achievements. This subtype’s vanity is closely tied to familial
expectations, which demand that they be active, efficient, and, above all, successful
individuals.

Unlike the self-preservation E3, who directs their vanity toward securing survival, or the
Sexual E3, who focuses on winning over their partner’s love, the Social E3 channels their
energy into satisfying the need to be seen as an “important” person. They believe that
achieving social recognition will ensure their existence and fulfillment.

In the Social E3’s formative years, particularly in their relationship with their father or
siblings, their primary role was not to feel secure in navigating the social world with their
own resources, talents, and limitations. Instead, their worth was measured by their
achievements rather than their inherent value as individuals. As a result, the social instinct
lost its trust in forming deep interpersonal connections that provide a sense of belonging.
To fill this void and compensate for feelings of worthlessness, the Social E3 crafted a
self-image that appears popular and beneficial to the group, whether it’s their family or
social circle. They adapted themselves to meet the group’s needs, believing this
chameleon-like transformation would guarantee acceptance and recognition.

The genuine need for support and recognition, initially sought within the family and later in
broader relationships, evolved into a desire for wealth or admiration as a “special” person.
This illusion is rooted in the belief that social success can provide what they’ve never fully
experienced—a sense of belonging and security that validates their existence as
individuals.
The Social E3 is particularly characterized by an overpowering drive to establish
connections and networks. They act as if the quantity of acquaintances—especially
influential ones—can substitute for the emotional depth of genuine bonds. Their vanity
expresses itself through a relentless urge to project a polished public image, often referred
to as “social vanity.” They operate under the assumption that achieving a particular social
status can compensate for the existential void they feel.

This subtype actively pursues accomplishments, wealth, and success to secure their
societal standing. Their consciousness is fixated on appearances, genuinely believing, “I am
what others perceive me to be.” Through constant identification with external symbols of
prestige, the Social E3 frequently loses touch with their inner self. They struggle to connect
with their roots, delve into their innermost being, or find genuine rest because they distrust
their own feelings and perceptions.

The carefully constructed image of the Social E3 evolves through actions aimed at
continuous refinement. They adapt to different contexts, presenting whichever persona best
suits the situation. This adaptability has earned them a reputation as the most
“chameleon-like” of the three subtypes. However, this constant self-molding comes at the
expense of spontaneity. Prioritizing control over trust, they often develop a rigidity that
leaves them feeling emotionally frozen.

Despite their tireless efforts to achieve and maintain external recognition, the Social E3
often struggles to feel genuinely seen. While they meticulously manage their image and
avoid conflict or vulnerability, they find it difficult to trust even the validation they receive.
Their sense of identity is tied not to who they are but to what they accomplish, preventing
them from forming deep, authentic connections with the world.

The scrutiny of others is a constant presence in the Social E3’s life, even if it’s an imagined
gaze. When they look in the mirror, they see themselves through the eyes of their potential
“audience.” In their professional life, they consider how their actions will be judged by
bosses or abstract figures of authority. In personal relationships, they might assert their
preferences but remain highly aware of the opinions of their partner, friends, or anyone else,
often feeling compelled to suppress their own desires.

This subtype often adopts a mercantilist mindset, deriving their value from the recognition
they receive for their achievements. Social interactions are seen primarily as tools to
advance their goals, with limited genuine interest in others. They maintain a network of
relationships not for connection but to serve their ambitions. The Social E3 has few
boundaries when it comes to self-promotion, capable of selling anything—from cars to
spirituality workshops. They navigate social situations like a marketplace, positioning
themselves as skilled “salespeople” of their image.
Yet, beneath their polished façade lies an existential discomfort. The Social E3 often feels
like they are projecting an idealized version of themselves that doesn’t fully align with their
true identity. As one individual reflected, “For example, with my new house—I see it as
mine when I show it to others, but when I’m alone, that feeling fades, revealing an
underlying emptiness.”

The craving for recognition is incessant and often manifests as a fixation on material
possessions. Social E3s might flaunt their wealth through watches, houses, cars, and other
symbols of success, as if constantly proclaiming, “Look at what I possess; this is my worth.”
In contemporary society, they also accumulate memberships in exclusive groups, collect
books signed by prominent figures, and attend workshops led by renowned experts. They
epitomize the modern era, where happiness is closely tied to wealth and power, seemingly
attainable through sheer determination and willpower.

This cultural obsession with individual success often neglects the intimate needs of people,
their connection to the natural order, and their sense of belonging. Instead, it fosters a
narrow focus on personal gain and superficial stimuli, creating artificial needs. Social E3s
are among the most adept yet oblivious consumers, compulsively shopping or excelling as
politicians in an era defined by nihilism.

The Social E3 shares traits with narcissistic personalities, akin to Enneatype Seven, and
may fall into the delusion of possessing ultimate authority. As described in the DSM IV,
“The narcissist feels so important that they can speak with the highest authority.”

Interactions with authority figures depend on the Social E3’s assessment of their
importance. If an authority figure is deemed insignificant within their hierarchy, they may
dismiss it with minimal attention. In some cases, they rebel against it, strategically exposing
its flaws to undermine its credibility. Yet, Social E3s are intelligent and adaptable enough to
navigate different hierarchies, seeking recognition from those they consider influential. They
strategically position themselves to be seen and appreciated, with their greatest fear being
a lack of recognition "from above." When this fear is realized, they experience deep distress
but conceal it to protect their image. As Yolanda puts it: “I cope with feelings of failure by
resorting to a nervous laughter; it’s outside my control.” This trait also makes them adept at
faking a smile, a hallmark behavior of Enneatype Threes.

The Social E3’s pursuit of knowledge is not driven by personal curiosity or enjoyment but as
a tool for social power. Intelligence is instrumentalized to craft an image of leadership and
competence within their group. Francesco captures this sentiment well: “At the core of my
behavior in life, there is always this drive for social power—whether it’s in politics or in my
social life…”
Their strategy centers on achieving goals. While Social E3s may appear sensitive to the
needs of others, their assistance is often manipulative, driven by arrogance rather than
genuine care. If someone stands in the way of their objectives, they are capable of
mistreating or even eliminating that person with ruthless precision, echoing traits of
Enneatype Eight. For both types, fulfilling their perceived needs often takes precedence
over relationships and emotions.

The Social E3’s emotions are frequently fabricated, aligning with what they believe they are
“supposed to feel.” This places them among emotionally cold and highly rational
personalities. Francesco candidly shares his experiences with women from higher
socioeconomic backgrounds and his personal growth journey:

“I have consistently been with women from much wealthier families than mine.
My success with affluent women has been notable. In my wife’s case, about
forty percent of my initial attraction to her was based on her personal charm,
while the remaining sixty percent was tied to her belonging to a wealthy and
influential family. I didn’t realize this at the time; it took years for me to
understand. When this awareness finally struck, I felt terrible, and it caused a
crisis in our relationship. I began questioning whether I truly loved her. I came
to see that I was seeking the prestige I felt I lacked through her. Only when I
could love her without needing her status did I recognize it as genuine love. I
achieved this through inner work.

Now, as I transition to a career in psychotherapy, it’s difficult to leave my

previous job, where I earned a significant income. In therapy, I’ll earn far less
than my wife, and I feel like I’ll be taking advantage of her.”

On the economic aspect, Giusy offers her perspective: “I come from a wealthy family; that
wasn’t the issue for me. The man for me cannot be ‘common.’ I am not interested in him
being rich but extraordinary.”

Social E3s are highly ambitious, competitive, and determined to achieve their goals, often
calculating to the point of cruelty. For them, the goal always comes before relationships.
Despite existing in a world brimming with connections—cell phones, social media
networks, and photos documenting their extensive travels—they often lack the true
experience of being in a relationship or living authentically. Their inner confidence does not
come from an integrated identity but rather from concrete documentation, like photographs.
For the Social E3, what matters most is not what is, but what is seen.

The Characteristic Neurotic Need

By Eustaquio Garcia

The neurotic need, which substitutes the genuine desire for self-realization and the fullness
of life, revolves around the aspiration to shine and attain prestige. The Social E3 personality
seeks approval and aims to please in order to receive appreciative attention.

As a child, the Social E3 was often valued for their achievements and encouraged through
applause, nurturing a perpetual need to replicate accomplishments to maintain that regard.

In school, excelling was essential. I still remember being told, “If you excel, you’ll earn a
scholarship.” I earned that scholarship every year. My mother wanted me to study music,
specifically piano, while my father valued sports. I enjoyed everything they favored. So, I
studied piano and played various sports like baseball, basketball, and swimming. I knew I
was a pretty little girl, but the only words my father ever said about my appearance were,
“You’d look better if you were thinner.”

The pursuit of prestige is centered on actions that create a favorable image, aiming to
construct a perception of success, particularly in material and tangible terms. This is why
money and status become so crucial. If someone doesn’t feel seen, they’ll strive to do more
to attract attention—perhaps enhancing their credentials or becoming more charming.

For the Social E3, the focus is on external appearance, on objects of prestige and beauty
that are socially validated by others, rather than being internally felt. As Ana puts it:

“When I enter a restaurant, I avoid looking at others – because I don’t want a reality check. I
want to keep the illusion that they are looking at me!”

Yolanda shares:

“If I join a group and sense that no one is paying attention to me, I pretend not to care. But
I’m well aware of who I like, who might be a rival, who I don’t like, and who may not like
me. I attempt to remain inconspicuous but still attract notice. I act composed yet not
ostentatious, as if it’s all natural—even if I appear disheveled, it’s not spontaneous at all.”

Even displaying a flaw or vulnerability in a controlled manner can lead to success in selling
oneself. Presumed weakness can inadvertently bolster the ego. Phrases like “No” and “I
don’t know” are rarely found in their vocabulary because they don’t contribute to the image
they wish to project.

The price of pursuing that brilliance is steep. The individual toils tirelessly, seemingly
effortlessly, but often finds themselves worn out by day’s end. You might hear them say, “I
don’t know what’s wrong with me; I’m exhausted.” They allow themselves to succumb to
weariness or illness only on weekends or during vacations.
Their neurosis is fixated on projecting themselves as “above,” driven by an inflated passion
akin to Enneatype Two. However, the key distinction is that Enneatype Two takes pride in
their intrinsic self-worth, whereas the Social E3 thrives on external recognition as a brilliant
individual. Much like E2, the Social E3 lacks humility and, more importantly, the authenticity
required to acknowledge that their “superior” position is a neurotic defense
mechanism—not their true self.

They avoid genuine connections out of fear of going unnoticed or undervalued, which is
their source of neurotic nourishment. For the Social E3, their passion serves the purpose of
evading a confrontation with their perceived lack of worth and the inability to pursue
personal fulfillment through their own desires, projects, and values. By feeding this passion,
closely tied to external goals, they perpetuate the disconnect from their inner self,
maintaining a self-imposed distance and repression.

The neurotic delusion is that attaining the desired social status allows them to evade the
emptiness of internal references, avoid genuine connections, and suppress self-love. In
doing so, they sidestep the fear and depression that would result from confronting their
true selves. Thus, they passionately strive to shine, believing they’ll find their rightful place
in the world. Shine, wealth, and power function as energetic stimulants, providing them the
vigor and enthusiasm to navigate life filled with countless tasks and relationships—all to
maintain the illusion of a fulfilling existence and avoid the specter of failure.

They dare not allow fatigue to set in, for weariness signifies a moment of emptiness—a
pause during which the lurking monster might awaken and raise its head. Beneath their
ceaseless activity, disconnected from genuine emotions, lies an effort to control incessant
anxiety and, at a deeper level, the profound hollowness of life’s inherent meaninglessness.

Their will is tinged with narcissism, fixated solely on achieving the reflection of an ideal
self, marked by the audacity to orchestrate events. It is impossible for them to stay in the
here and now or flow with the unfolding reality. Instead, they dwell in the grandiose
fantasy that they can manipulate and shape the world, relationships, and even nature.

“I always put in so much effort, and I discovered a fantastic trick for success. I knew that if I
started thinking about everything I had to accomplish in a day, I’d feel overwhelmed. So,
here’s what I did: the night before, I’d quickly plan out everything I envisioned for the next
day and break it down into manageable micro-steps. Each step was almost independent of
the others but crucial for the subsequent stage. Each step felt achievable on its own, while
the larger project as a whole seemed daunting. I’d concentrate my attention solely on each
specific phase, all the while keeping the big end goal in the back of my mind to guide me
and set the course. This way, step by step, I managed to attain significant achievements. It
can be time-consuming at times, and I might grow impatient with the small steps, but I
honor the larger phases with patience. It’s just a matter of time.”
In the Social E3, more explicitly than in the other subtypes, the act of replacing existential
and spiritual vitality with ego-driven actions becomes evident. The false facade is
experienced as genuine reality, with the individual fully identified with their persona.

It’s worth recalling Ichazo’s term for Enneatype Three: Ego-go. The passion that Naranjo
identified for the Social E3—namely prestige—perfectly represents this constant “going.”
They chase the glitter of gold, believing it to be light. The neurotic need has entirely
supplanted the profound need to simply exist.

Surface has taken precedence over substance, continually polished and adorned. The Social
E3 not only constructs a persona but invents stories, anecdotes, and experiences to build
character to such an extent that they can no longer discern truth from falsehood.

Interpersonal Strategy and Associated Irrational Ideas

In childhood, the Social E3 learns to adapt to their parents’ expectations, striving to deliver
the outcomes that will earn approval. This leads to a complete identification with an image
of themselves as efficient, successful, and highly capable. They deceive themselves and
their surroundings by believing that the only reality that matters is the one they can
convincingly portray—aligned with what they perceive the world demands of them. In this
process, they often deny or forget the existence of both their inner reality and the external
reality that operates independently of their “constructed” persona.

As a result, the Social E3 grows accustomed to managing relationships and navigating the
world through a continuous process of self-construction. Their experiences, thoughts, and
behaviors revolve around a fundamental belief: that they can influence people and events
through their actions and sheer willpower. The fixation on this false self-image is rooted in
the conviction that presenting an image endorsed by the group or social context is the only
way to belong, gain acceptance, and exist meaningfully in the world.

The core belief of the E3 is that their willpower and actions have the power to shape not
only events but also people. For the Social E3, this belief manifests as an obsessive focus
on “doing.” The act of accomplishing becomes so central to their existence that it often
overshadows the actual purpose of their actions. Success, especially when highly visible
and socially recognized, becomes their sole focus. In their relentless pursuit of achievement,
they lose sight of meaning and purpose, reducing life to a constant stream of activity. This
drive is so pervasive that their addiction to success prevents them from feeling fatigue. For
the Social E3, the philosophy becomes: “If I accomplish significant and socially recognized
success, I exist.”
This way of thinking reveals a narcissistic and omnipotent self-image, enabling the Social
E3 to deceive themselves into believing they can manage life independently of external
reality. Lacking confidence in their intrinsic worth, they neurotically place trust in their
actions, convinced that success is solely a product of effort and will. They disregard the
autonomy of others and the world, determined to avoid failure or feelings of helplessness.
Letting go of control—whether over external circumstances or their own emotions—feels
impossible.

From this distorted cognitive foundation, the Social E3 develops a series of irrational beliefs
disconnected from reality. Chief among these is the notion that their needs and success can
be secured through adaptability—whether in relationships or social contexts. They believe
that by conforming to current trends, adopting fashionable behaviors, or aligning with
group norms, success is inevitable.

One prominent irrational idea involves equating ownership with power. For the Social E3,
having material possessions, real estate, or influential connections signifies strength. This
belief fuels their desire for wealth—not necessarily for luxury, but to avoid dependence and
the vulnerability of asking for help. They aim to mask any signs of fragility or
powerlessness. Instead of openly expressing their needs, they project unspoken desires
onto others, often expecting people to intuitively understand and fulfill them.

The Social E3 may also seek leadership roles within organizations, though they prefer
positions where they remain slightly in the background. This strategy allows them to
benefit from proximity to power without being overly exposed to challenges such as
hostility, envy, or failure. They believe that being associated with someone important is
enough to make them significant. For example, Francesco shares: “When my father died, I
told myself, ‘I will never be poor. I don’t need to be very rich, but I refuse to be poor. What I
truly want is power.’”

Francesco, Haydée, and Yolanda see money as a gateway to higher social status and worth:
“If I have money, I am worth it.”

In interpersonal relationships, the Social E3 seeks emotional consensus by identifying and

aligning with collective needs. Their leadership can be described as empathic, though this
empathy is strategic, aimed at gaining recognition. Unlike the seductive charm of an E2,
their empathy functions as a tool for trust-building, often leading them to sacrifice some of
their authority. Their leadership is speculative and manipulative, with a knack for waiting for
the right moment to assert their goals. Francesco admits: “I learned to be insincere. I
pretended to be better and more than I was, and I dominated the wealthy kids at school,
despite being at the socioeconomic bottom.”
In therapy, the Social E3’s irrational beliefs manifest as a desire to achieve miraculous
results with their patients. Even while appearing rational, they perceive their role as
inherently superior, and simply holding the title of “therapist” fulfills their need for status.

Another irrational idea relates to emotional disconnection. The Social E3 often lacks
genuine emotional depth and struggles to distinguish between authentic feelings and what
they believe is appropriate in a given context. This disconnection extends to their inner
world: they may adopt emotions they perceive in others or fabricate emotions that they
come to believe as genuine. Ana reflects on this:

“I need fiction to sustain my existence. My life often feels gray and insipid, so I compensate
through cinema. Fiction feels more real to me than my actual life, which lacks intensity.
Cinema provides me with the emotional depth I can’t access in my day-to-day existence. In
real life, my self-restraint keeps me from experiencing emotions fully. I don’t want to pity
myself or appear weak.”

A significant irrational belief among Social E3s is distrust. Disconnected from their true
selves, they lack solid reference points and project their insecurities onto others. Francesco
explains: “A good enemy is better than a bad friend. With an enemy, you understand their
motives and can negotiate. With friends, you’re never sure of their hidden agendas.”

Their deepest fears revolve around failure, poverty, and the helplessness of “not doing.”
The power they derive from work, money, and prestige is tied to a fear of loneliness and
abandonment. Without achievements or offerings, they fear they will be unwanted. Yolanda
admits: “If I have nothing to provide, I am alone. If they don’t need me, they don’t want me.”

Eustaquio confesses his worst fear: “The thought of being homeless, begging on the
streets. It’s the fear of abandonment and not being acknowledged.” For Ana, the greatest
fear is being seen as a burden—weak, unpleasant, or pitiable. She summarizes her belief as:
“If I don’t have money, I can’t exist.” Francesco’s dread is dying alone, which reinforces his
conviction: “If I’m important, I’ll never be alone.”

Ultimately, the Social E3’s irrational ideas and strategies are built on the false notion that
their worth is tied solely to external accomplishments, power, and the ability to meet
societal expectations.

It is crucial for the transformation of the Social E3 that they remain attuned to their
emotions and stay true to them, even if this leads to a lack of agreement within the group.
Their typical misguided strategy involves sacrificing their genuine emotions for the sake of
group harmony, all in an effort to maintain their emotional leadership. Unfortunately, this
often comes at the cost of suppressing their own feelings.
With children or adolescents, they may easily become authoritarian, but when interacting
with peers or superiors, they struggle to assert authority. Consequently, they seek
consensus, reinforcing the irrational belief that validation is the most crucial thing. They
believe that only through this validation can they earn acceptance and love. This approach
leads them to impose authority in ways they find inadequate. Despite their incessant efforts
at self-control and propriety, these mechanisms can fail, resulting in embarrassing losses of
control.

The Social E3 tends to excessively conform to their surroundings while feeling internally
inadequate. Their interactions with others often involve confluence, adaptation, malleability,
or a refined “adaptive faculty.” Yolanda adds a subtle nuance to this dynamic:

"We give off the impression of ‘I can do it’ and ‘I don’t require others’ assistance;
I attempt to handle things on my own.’ In any case, we see ourselves as the
ones who can support others. If someone offers help, we feel uncomfortable
and are compelled to return that ‘favor’ to feel debt-free. When confronted
with the irrational notion that we must complete tasks flawlessly, exhaustion
and inner turmoil set in, leading to a clash between reality and our ideals."

Social E3s find it difficult to laugh at themselves, even though doing so could help alleviate
their clumsiness. When their faults are pointed out, or they become the subject of ridicule,
they perceive it as a personal failure and feel highly embarrassed. However, they do feel
more comfortable in environments like Gestalt therapy, where self-denunciation is
encouraged and rewarded. Humor becomes a strategic tool, often used to make fun of
themselves before others have the chance; it’s a way of maintaining control. Francesco
openly acknowledges:

"I recognize how much I instrumentalize self-deprecation. I can’t resist revealing

my vulnerabilities, but I do it instrumentally, often for seductive purposes."

Notably, they have a talent for speaking at length without conveying much substance, often
relying on vacuous, demagogic rhetoric. They possess an innate ability to gauge an
audience’s attention and adapt their speech accordingly.

Like the other two E3 subtypes, the Social E3 adopts numerous identities because they
“learned” early on that their true self is inherently worthless. This was evident during a
group session when Haydée emotionally recounted the shame she once felt for considering
her parents vulgar. While the group briefly delved into deep emotions, they quickly
retreated, filling the void with words. They feared that fully experiencing the emotional
abyss would be overwhelming. What could have been a very intimate moment instead
became unbearable for the Social E3, as too much emotion is perceived as intolerable.
When the Social E3 communicates authentically, without intellectual constructs, they feel
vulnerable and quickly put on a mask again. Their struggle with emotions stems from the
irrational belief that emotionality is a weakness. They feel they cannot afford to appear
weak because, during their childhood, showing fragility was met with penalties rather than
rewards. Their false belief is that one must be strong, equating strength with emotional
control and toughness. Eustaquio recalls:

"The feeling of shame runs deep, especially when we reveal ‘our inner
monsters’ to others: the egoist who doesn’t really care about them, the clueless
fool, the coldness, the underlying rage... I entered the world of psychotherapy
in my early twenties, starting with a personal growth group. We sat in the
typical Gestalt circle, and the therapist asked me, ‘And you, how do you feel?’
Besides not knowing, not being in touch with my emotions, it was monumental
for me – someone was interested in how I felt!"

For the Social E3, fitting into the environment is of utmost importance. The fear of crossing
boundaries, being inappropriate, intruding, or causing inconvenience leads them to
constantly gauge their own and others’ limits. They are overly concerned with control, even
when they try not to appear controlling, yet their efforts often come across as such.
Ultimately, the experience of not being in control leaves them in a place of
uncertainty—unsure of who they are, what they want, or how to interact with others.
Haydée’s childhood experiences illustrate this:

"When I was a child, if I found myself with older girls, I only spoke up when I
was very sure of myself. Otherwise, I remained quiet and observant, trying to
emulate what I admired most about each one. Even now, in settings I perceive
as superior, I tend to stay quiet and listen."

The need to adapt to their environment makes spontaneity nearly impossible for the Social
E3. Being spontaneous would mean exposing themselves for who they truly are, yet they
often believe their true self holds little value or is fundamentally flawed. Instead, they
prefer to seduce through adaptation. Internally, they wrestle with tension and dissonance,
feeling adrift in moments of inadequacy. Giusy described this as feeling:

"Very adequate and deeply inadequate at the same time. We, Social E3s, tend
to feel inadequate within the group and simultaneously bend over backward to
conform to the environment."

For the social Three, the environment acts as a mirror through which they reflect
themselves and construct a sense of identity. The reflection they lacked during childhood is
something they continue to seek within the group, adjusting to the image the group projects
back to them. Their belief is, “If I can be what I perceive you want, then I can belong with
you.”

All E3 subtypes grapple with a sense of inadequacy, perhaps because their actions aren’t
driven from within. They look outward to fulfill the needs of their environment but struggle
to understand their own internal needs. Giusy recalls, “In my family, women were expected
to conform to traditional gender roles; they weren’t supposed to think for themselves.”
Similarly, Yolanda realized, “Prior to therapy sessions, I’d make a checklist of what I wanted
to discuss that day. I’d arrive with a pre-determined outline, orchestrating the entire process
myself to avoid feeling foolish or lost.” Haydée shared that she approached therapy with a
sense of “surplus” rather than deficiency. She explained, “I didn’t feel a lack or neediness; I
entered as an ‘extra.’ In fact, I started my Gestalt training in the third year because I needed
the title.”

This highly intuitive character excels at discerning others’ emotions. However, in their quest
to remain in the limelight, they become overly concerned with reaching a consensus, even
when it would be more beneficial to hold their ground and defend their own opinions.
Lowen, in his characterization of the psychopath corresponding to E3, mentions doing
things correctly to avoid being caught at fault. Ana observes:

“Accustomed to meeting others’ expectations, it’s challenging for me to recognize when it’s
about my own desires. I think I protect my therapist from myself, so that she doesn’t feel
incompetent. I offer her some breakthrough or insight when it seems to me that she feels
we are stagnating, allowing her to take responsibility for not progressing as expected.
What I primarily need from her is acceptance, a listening ear, support, and constructive
guidance without criticism or judgment—essentially, a nurturing and wise maternal figure.
If, as a patient with a Type 3 personality, I present a facade to the therapist and she accepts
it without making an effort to delve deeper, I believe that therapy can no longer be
effective.”

Based on their adaptation mechanism and the desire to please, the Social E3 strives for an
extensive level of control over others and their relationships, under the illusion that control
can ward off their insecurities, aggression, and fear of non-acceptance.

The tacit competence of the Social E3 is revealed in this anecdote from Ana’s experience in
therapy:

“I attend sessions with a fairly clear idea of what I want to work on. I leave no room for
silence. On the first day of therapy, I almost sat in the therapist’s chair. There were two
identical ones, but even so, there must have been something that suggested to me it was
hers.”
Their sense of competition operates as a hidden strategy, concealed behind their seductive
and seemingly docile demeanor. When they sense that victory is unlikely, they might try to
undermine the winner. Alternatively, they could form an alliance with their perceived
enemy. However, their preferred course of action is to withdraw, pretending disinterest and
masking their internal feelings of failure or embarrassment behind a facade of indifference.
For the Social E3, this indifference is preferable to engaging in open conflict. When they
don’t know how to relate to someone, feel disliked, or anticipate not being liked, they adopt
a cold demeanor toward the other party. This manifests as a form of aggressive
indifference, discrediting the enemy and invalidating their perspective, reflecting their own
feelings of inadequacy onto the other.

For the Social E3, only a select few authority figures are deemed worthy of recognition,
often because of the power they hold. They have a keen eye for hierarchy and norms,
readily detecting authority figures worth acknowledging to achieve their goals. Successfully
seducing or standing out to gain recognition from an authority figure gives them a sense of
power. At the very least, such recognition makes it easier for them to adopt values of
commitment and loyalty.

Other Characteristic Features and Psychodynamic

Considerations

Competitive

“Anything goes to remain on Olympus,” said Juanjo Herrera when analyzing the film All
About Eve. In its relentless pursuit of success and social acclaim, this particular subtype of
E3 exhibits an unparalleled and unscrupulous level of competitiveness.

The forms that this competitiveness takes may appear refined, but the core is ruthlessly
unyielding. The Social E3, clinging to their self-image of benevolence, conceals all
manipulative actions aimed at undermining opponents beneath a veneer of feigned
friendliness. They seldom engage in direct confrontations; instead, they favor more or less
subtle derogations. They puppeteer from the shadows, with a smile, and without drawing
attention, avoiding any space for intimacy. Their endeavors are geared toward preserving
their pristine image and social standing, relying on their social charm and affability rather
than the actual quality of their work. Their primary focus lies in maintaining a prominent
position that affords them control over the situation.

Envy is one of the silent motors of their actions. In the workplace, they pursue their
ambitions through crude, chameleon-like tactics, frequently flaunting their ‘wares’—their
possessions and influential connections. They use their discerning gaze to identify those in
power, whom they aim to please through strategic silence, well-timed words, and suitable
actions. Once they secure a place of recognition, the battle persists, now entailing a
continual adaptation to safeguard the privileges they’ve attained. At this stage, they might
have no qualms about trampling over anyone or fabricating falsehoods to discredit those
who obstruct their path to the podium. This aspect of their character strongly underscores
their connection with E8, alongside a penchant for vengeance.

Vindictive

When they fail to achieve their goal or are exposed in their deceit or true intentions, they
strive to maintain their positive image. This often presents an opportunity for cold,
unforgiving revenge, where no tactic is off-limits. Manipulation of information, discrediting,
and smearing are commonly employed in this subtype. The calculated lies they use for
payback are so well-concocted that they themselves lose track of the boundary between
reality and fiction in their mythomania.

Histrionic

The Social E3 remains unflappable to avoid revealing their anger and pain. Their defense is
rooted in maintaining composure and avoiding any signs of emotional vulnerability. So how
does the histrionic trait manifest? It emerges as impatience—a concealed form of anger.
Frustration arises from not obtaining what they desire precisely when they desire it, and
this disruption shatters their unflinching façade, exposing their underlying irritation. If they
no longer manage to be the center of attention because their charm has waned, they reach
a breaking point. They cannot endure this loss of the spotlight, as it unveils their deception,
leading to explosive and exaggerated outbursts that underscore their intolerance.

Chameleonic / Simultaneously Multi-faceted

We could call the Social E3 simultaneously multifaceted. In everyday life, they skillfully
juggle various tasks, like watering plants, talking on the cell phone, tending to a roast in the
oven, snacking on an apple, all while contemplating their next step.

Their seamless adaptation to diverse environments allows them to master the art of
behaving appropriately in any given situation, knowing how to dress, what to eat, when to
speak, or when to remain silent. They meticulously synthesize these behaviors from a place
of control, passing them off as natural behavior studied in detail, far from the slightest
spontaneity.

Inverted Masculinity and Femininity

The Social E3 woman exudes a lot of masculine energy—she’s logical, rational, and
action-oriented. She hasn’t fully embraced the tender, receptive energy she could have
absorbed from her mother, missing out on the nurturing and protective qualities. She often
finds herself as an ally among men, a colleague who aids them in becoming even more
masculine. She admires strong men and adopts a warrior-like exterior to shield herself from
the world.

The Social E3 man doesn’t learn to harness his father’s energy, instead looking at it with
trepidation while hiding his emotions. He might appear more in touch with his feminine side
and fear his inherent strength. To compensate, he might imagine himself as someone
wielding power and weaponry. He seeks out strong and powerful friends.

Both genders grapple with a distortion—they equate strength with violence, as if it were an
uncontrolled explosion. It’s beneficial for them to experience the qualities of both
masculinity and femininity in a group setting, entering a space that’s neither seductive nor
competitive.

Manipulative in Giving and Receiving

The Social E3 detests feeling indebted, so they believe they must give more than they
receive. They can’t settle for an equal exchange; they have to give more and, if possible,
better. They engage in a kind of mercantile exchange where they aim to come out on top to
ensure they receive what they desire. This isn’t driven by altruism, compassion, or true
generosity; it’s a strictly transactional quid pro quo.

Appropriationist

The Social E3 only operates within the confines of familiar territory, following well-trodden
paths. They meticulously analyze, filter, optimize, and produce a new product, often leaving
little room for inspiration. They don’t trust themselves to create independently because of
their excessive ambition and a compulsive need for control, rooted in fear of others’
judgment. To put it simply, as Giusy aptly notes, “In a metaphorical sense, the creativity of a
Social E3 would be like copy and paste.”

Death Experience Avoidant / Frozen

When faced with death, the Social E3 undergoes an emotional shutdown, ceasing to feel
and entering a cold, emotionless state to evade the pain and grief. This is how Francesco
recalls the news of an attack on his father: “We didn’t know how he was; they didn’t
provide details on the wounded. I was profoundly shocked and completely numb.” After this
initial shock, anger becomes the chosen expression—whether outward or
concealed—rather than allowing themselves to grieve. They avoid creating space for tears
or emotional release and fear connecting with their own body, feeling their heart, or letting
emotions overflow.

Death represents for a Social E3 the deterioration of the body and the loss of complete
control. It’s associated with the body becoming unpleasant to look at, a loss of face. Giusy
recollects, “In my imagined scenarios, I always saw myself dead, and I’d confront the
repulsive aspects of my body. Mice, insects, worms would eat at me, and I’d feel decaying
fluids oozing from my corpse.” Faced with the reality of their own vulnerability, this
character panics.

The fear of dying alone and experiencing physical pain heightens anxiety. They address this
perceived dread of death by removing emotional content, employing denial as a defense
mechanism. They often remain “in denial of the fact, which is the initial stage of mourning,”
as Eustaquio points out. They avoid contemplating their own mortality, frequently assuming
that they’re immune to death—something that only happens to others. In cases where
death has been a constant presence within the family environment, they may even develop
a feeling of being a harbinger of death.

It’s not until they lose a loved one that they grapple with their own mortality. When faced
with the proximity of death, moments of physical danger, tragic news, or illness, they tend
to process them rationally. Instead of breaking down in grief, they focus on taking action.
“Even with cancer, I didn’t miss a single day of work,” Ana explains. Haydée adds, “A few
minutes after my father passed away, I was already on the phone making arrangements. My
father passed away at 3:30 in the afternoon, and by six o’clock, I was at a funeral home
eighty kilometers from home.”

As an adult, death becomes associated with inner emptiness, a barren inner landscape, a
cold, desolate depression. If they allow themselves to accompany a loved one through this
passage, they can experience a profound quality of love that opens their heart, leading to a
pure state of surrender and a transcendental experience. “At my father’s parting, I felt a lot
of love, a kind that’s difficult to explain,” Haydée recollects.

Approaching death can also take on a frivolous tone for the Social E3. Instead of mourning,
they may ponder what to wear to the funeral. In some instances, the Hoffman process has
helped them grieve for all the deaths they hadn’t mourned earlier.

Attached to Money

The Social E3 is willing to take substantial financial risks with the confidence that they can
secure the means to maintain their status, even in the face of economic uncertainties. They
have a reluctance to ask for things but are unwilling to forgo anything. Instead, they prefer
to get others to give them what they desire without having to openly request it.

From a young age, they strive for financial independence. They don’t closely monitor their
bank accounts, rarely save money, and tend to spend beyond their means. It’s not about
investing in items with long-term returns; it’s more about spending lavishly. They are
generous with other people’s money but often more frugal with their own.

Another aspect of their spending habits involves gift-giving and the lavishness of exquisite
meals, which they use as a means to buy friendships. This generosity is a matter of image.
As Yolanda explains, “It’s frowned upon not to be generous.” The Social E3 is inclined to
give gifts to their partner that they truly like but not necessarily to others. These gifts can
be manipulative, used to say, “Look what I bought you…” and may end up stashed in their
own room or serve as an excuse to buy a particular perfume they enjoy.

If they want to live frugally, they will do so, but they might still keep a Mercedes Benz
parked nearby. They often associate with individuals who have higher purchasing power
than themselves, behaving as if they belong to the same elite circle, driven by their inner
insecurities. Despite not appearing insecure due to their patrician demeanor, they know
how to adopt this rich persona. A Social E3 would find it challenging to adhere to the
mandate of a new Messiah who arrives saying, “Leave all your possessions and follow me.”

Attached to the Image of Their House

A Social E3 cannot live just anywhere; they seek out ample, well-decorated spaces that
reflect their unique style. Their home is not just where they reside; it’s also a showcase of
who they are and what they possess. They take pleasure in hosting friends or influential
individuals who can appreciate the style that permeates every nook and cranny. Every
detail is meticulously attended to, and the air is often scented with flowers, candles, and
incense, creating a home that teeters between a certain organized chaos and immaculate
cleanliness.

Scatologically Modest and Dismissive of Physiological Needs

This is a subject the Social E3 would prefer not to talk about. They are neat in their
personal cleanliness, sometimes to the point of developing a compulsive need to shower
multiple times a day. They go to great lengths to eliminate any bodily fluids, finding them
off-putting and believing that proper decorum demands concealing such aspects in public.
Possessing a discerning sense of smell, they abhor unpleasant body odors.

They are often constipated due to a masochistic inclination to withhold, capable of

continuing their tasks before tending to their physiological needs. They reserve passing gas
for private, isolated bathrooms, far from others’ ears. If caught, they might pass it off as
“uncontrolled gasses,” and if it’s not their gas, they worry that someone might suspect it
was them. When away from home, they find it difficult to defecate.

Seductive

The Social E3 isn’t particularly passionate and may not exhibit high sexual activity. They
use their sexuality as a means to an end, especially until they are certain they have
captured the other person’s attention. Feeling that the other person likes them is more
significant to them than the sexual experience itself. They focus on the art of seduction
rather than deepening relationships. They have sex with the other person’s pleasure in
mind, rather than their own enjoyment. Being a good lover becomes just another duty, and
sex can become just another product for sale. They may experience a fear of losing control
before orgasm, which interferes with their ability to fully engage in the act of lovemaking.

If they connect with their instinctual side, they may prefer more aggressive, somewhat
taboo sexual experiences that they feel the need to conceal. They may opt for passionate
encounters with a partner who gives free rein to their fierceness, while keeping their main
relationship less adventurous. In men, this can manifest as problems with impotence,
premature ejaculation, lack of desire, and pain in the penis. Among women, there may be a
tendency toward frigidity.
Studied

The Social E3 approaches clothing with a purpose, imbuing it with meaning and attributes
that transform it into a tool for their social endeavors. They dress to be admired, opting for
striking appearances with bold choices in shapes and colors. Their style is meticulously
crafted to ensure they never go unnoticed. Inside their closet, you’ll find a mix of casual
attire and luxury brands, with an extensive range that spans from clothes suitable for an
African jungle expedition to elegant outfits fit for palatial dinners. Their demeanor
showcases their wardrobe, and even if the clothes are cheap, they look expensive due to
how the Social E3 wears them.

Cheater/Liar

For the Social E3, cheating is not a moral dilemma; it’s a strategy. As Francesco explains, “I
start studying a couple of days before the exam, and I tell myself that I’m so good that I’ll
pass without any trouble. And I pass.” They set traps to achieve their objectives, often
presenting their intentions as genuine concern for the other person’s needs or employing
strategic flattery.

They craft their persona just as they create stories, characters, or events to enhance their
image or aid in their social ascent. Lies are readily used to defend themselves whenever
someone exposes them. Their identification with their mask is so comprehensive that the lie
becomes an integral part of their character, virtually indistinguishable from their true self.

Self-employed or Independent In Labour

The Social E3 seeks to avoid bosses and rigid schedules. Independence is of utmost
importance to them. If they do have a boss, they endeavor to maintain their autonomy by
skillfully influencing authority figures. They strategically navigate their actions to secure
positions of power that grant them certain privileges. Over time, they may even turn their
boss into a friend.

Repressed Fear, Shame, and Violence / Counterphobic

The Social E3 suppresses fear, using action to overcome it. As Ana recalls, “In my childhood
and youth, I was extremely afraid, and I masked it with counterphobic attitudes due to
shame.”
When anger surfaces in the Social E3, it’s precise and cutting, akin to a lethal scalpel. They
grapple with the feeling that there is a killer instinct within them so great that, if they were
to give it free rein, it would turn them into criminals. “I feel so dark inside that I think I could
kill; that’s why I repress myself,” confesses Francesco. Haydée agrees, “When I feel rage,
the first thing that emerges is total hatred and the desire to kill.” Giusy mentions
experiencing diabolical thoughts at times, and Yolanda admits, “I tend to be reactive rather
than aggressive as a first response, and I often direct the aggression inward. I fear I might
commit suicide.”

Indolent

In a work setting, the Social E3 often neglects their basic needs. They postpone meals,
sleep, or even trips to the restroom in order to complete tasks. Although they are constantly
occupied, they might still perceive themselves as lazy. This is something Ana can relate to:

“I keep going because I’m convinced that if I stop, I’ll never get out of bed, never. The way I
work with my computer is like a kind of machine, a mantra. I can spend eleven or twelve
hours straight in front of the screen without even considering whether I’m tired.”

Eustaquio adds a layer to this paradox: “We’re reliable and hardworking when it comes to
external tasks, but we neglect self-care.” Ana concurs, “If you save self-care for leisure time,
and that time never arrives because there are always tasks, you end up neglecting it.”

This blend of laziness and lack of discipline makes it challenging for them to keep
commitments, especially those related to nurturing their inner selves. The intangible nature
of the spirit or inner well-being leads them to undervalue it. While they can be highly
determined and diligent in ego-driven actions, they tend to overlook their subtler and
deeper aspects.

This character becomes skilled at advocating for things they don’t practice themselves,
except when such practices are imposed as part of their responsibilities. Francesco
acknowledges this:

“In front of my patients, I pretend to follow everything I recommend. Right now, I have
about twenty patients signed up for my dynamic meditation class… and this forces me to do
it myself. If it’s part of my work, then I do it. I set these traps for myself to engage in
beneficial activities.”
Selective Friend

The Social E3 maintains a wide network of acquaintances but has few actual friends. They
tend to choose their friends from among the sex they are attracted to, and their choice is
often influenced by underlying self-interest, with their relationships rarely being selfless.
They struggle to be friends with someone without harboring a transactional agenda, such
as seeking financial gain, access to power, prestige, wisdom, or beauty. They find it
challenging to simply be friends with others, as they feel disarmed and vulnerable.

“If you’re going to introduce me to the President of the Republic,” Francesco admits, “I can
be there in five minutes. But if you tell me to ‘make friends,’ I become very anxious and
afraid.”

By masking emotions, they can exhibit envy and manipulation without being noticed. They
might indirectly convey superiority when ostensibly praising others. They often anticipate
that others should acknowledge and appreciate them, seldom breaking this automatic
pattern to simply be themselves and enjoy friendship. They gauge their prestige based on
the response of others, as Giusy affirms:

“Without explicitly saying ‘I’m friends with so-and-so,’ without overtly boasting about it,
even feigning humility, I subtly drop hints in conversation about my high-level contacts.
With this, I subtly convey that I’m a person of significance. My patients include famous
models and friends of the Kennedys, the crème de la crème of my city.”

In relationships, they may perceive themselves as faithful even after being unfaithful. They
rationalize their actions because, from their perspective, they’ve spent most of their time
engaging in seductive behaviors without being consciously aware of infidelity. If a
relationship ends, it’s often done abruptly, as they have maintained the impression that
everything was fine until that point. They tend to avoid confrontations and may prefer
sending a representative, such as a lawyer, rather than engaging in a public spectacle.

Envious

They covet material possessions at a superficial level but seldom yearn for internal
qualities, highlighting profound internal disconnection. As Francesco reflects, “Today it’s
different for me; I see other skilled therapists and aspire to manage the therapeutic process
like them. But this is a recent change. Previously, I craved objects and things, and they never
satisfied me. I’d buy them and still feel empty. It was a fixation, almost an obsession.” Giusy
also speaks of envy:
“Imagine this scenario: I’m with Eustaquio and Ana, two women and a man. I couldn’t
openly compete with her as it would be embarrassing. My strategy would be to speak as if I
were praising Ana but sneak in manipulative comments, such as ‘Ana is quite dangerous, a
man-eater, be cautious around her.’ I wouldn’t overtly praise myself since my vanity would
be too conspicuous. Beneath this manipulative facade lies an underlying envy that I deny.”

Jealous

Jealousy is particularly triggered when they sense a rival. However, what sets the Social E3
apart is that they often neglect their partner, viewing them merely as a means to maintain
prestige. They stop looking at them or nurturing the relationship until a perceived threat to
their position arises. They see the third party as someone more valuable, attractive, or
possessing something of great worth. Not only is the romantic relationship at risk, but they
might also lose their power, status, importance, and prestige. The presence of a rival
awakens the fear of social failure.

Ambitious

Their approach to climbing the social ladder and building a career differs from that of the
Social E2. Both develop strategies and seek to charm individuals who can help them
achieve recognition. The E2 presents itself as great and emphasizes its generosity with
warmth, while the E3 emphasizes work, organizational efficiency, and, most importantly,
professional effort, all while grappling with deeper insecurity. Social E3s take on a more
humble role and carefully plan to reap multiple gains, but it always has to look right and
proper.

Cold

Emotional coldness obviously has to do with disconnection from the inner affective world.
The Social E3 does not know what they feel, and for them, feelings are more like obstacles
that get in the way, rather than guides for making life choices. Likewise, although they may
exhibit empathy, they tend to disregard emotions in others that are not on their radar. They
treat people as objects, keeping a mental ledger of what they receive and what they give.
No wonder that in intensely distressing situations, they can appear unperturbed; they never
lose the mask.
Impatient

For the Social E3, time is primarily perceived in terms of what they need to accomplish or
how long they must wait to achieve their goals. It is a utilitarian concept, emphasizing
speed, as they cannot tolerate idleness or emptiness. They live with a sense of urgency
driven by the vision of future successes—successes that must be brought about quickly.
Finding contentment in the present moment is a challenge for them. To experience the here
and now would require flowing with life and savoring the present, but they lack the
confidence or hope that such moments alone can fulfill them.

Emotionality and Fantasy

Experiencing Emotions

Regarding the emotional dimension of their lives, Social E3 individuals experience a certain
depersonalization. Their lives are full of stories, which they find challenging to connect with
on a deep emotional level. When discussing their own life experiences, even dramatic ones,
they narrate them with a sense of detachment, as if they were recounting a movie.
Francesco provides insight into this by saying, “The E3 identifies with the content (the
experiences) but not with the container (the one who has the experiences). When asked
about myself, I might say, ‘I’m a psychologist’ instead of ‘I’m Francesco, and I work as a
psychologist.’”

Haydée adds:

“I’ve been trying to write an autobiography for days, but I cannot. I’ve realized that many of
the things I’ve done in my life were influenced by external circumstances, but I haven’t done
anything that is truly mine. It’s as if these experiences were ‘borrowed’ for a specific
moment. I can’t connect with my feelings because it’s as if nothing happened in my life.”

Francesco confirms this:

“It’s easier for me to discuss things as I’m living them. But when they’ve already happened
and I try to revisit them, I do so without the accompanying emotions, as if they happened to
someone else. It’s easy to construct a biography like a résumé, with facts, but someone
would need to interview me and ask about the subjective experience and emotion I felt. For
example, when I state, ‘I graduated,’ the interviewer might ask, ‘And how did you feel
then?’”

“For me,” says Giusy, “expressing emotion felt like risking being humiliated or laughed at.”
They sometimes resort to the catharsis of emotional release through fictional stories to
cope with their own emotions. “During my battle with cancer,” shares Ana, “sometimes I
would go see movies featuring dramatic stories about illnesses. It was a way for me to give
myself permission to cry without feeling guilty, as I was consciously holding back, not
wanting to wallow in self-pity.”

Emotionality Expressed Through Fantasy

Social E3 individuals are typically very energetic, and their joy is vibrant, sparkling, and
often witty, primarily serving their self-promotion. Among all the E3 subtypes, Social E3 is
the most likely to display negative emotions, sometimes even being confused with E8.
However, these emotional expressions usually conform to the expected social norms of the
situation. For instance, in a Gestalt therapy session, where direct emotionality is
encouraged, they might exhibit a wide range of emotions as expected by the therapist.
Yolanda provides an example of adapting her behavior to fit societal expectations: “At my
mother’s funeral, I started singing because we often sang together, and my father slapped
me. I went on to ask myself, ‘Ah, what is the right thing to feel in this situation?’”

These emotions are directed towards whatever the situation or person demands. If the
context is emotionally charged, a Social E3 can be quite expressive and engage with the
emotions of others.

When anger is expressed, it’s usually not shown openly. It might come out as irony, which,
although it can be cutting or even sadistic, is presented with a veneer of elegance. Any
aggression seems like an accident or can be interpreted as a joke; it rarely tarnishes the
image of the one throwing the dart.

The fantasies of Social E3 individuals often revolve around the concept of prestige,
involving thoughts of grandeur, superiority, and belonging to an exclusive group of
powerful people. They want this to be visible and recognized from a position of admiration.
This can manifest in the material realm (generally with luxurious brands), as noted by
Eustaquio: “My brother gifted me a very expensive watch. When I meet someone who
appreciates such things, I make sure to roll up my sleeves so the watch is visible.” It can
also relate to more intangible aspects of prestige, as explained by Ana: “My social ambition
revolves around academic and intellectual credentials. For example, the prestigious
universities I’ve been associated with are important to me. I also pay great attention to
presenting my résumé favorably.”

However, alongside this fantasy of brilliance exists a negative self-perception. Haydée

describes it as “another dark side, one of feeling terrible, ugly, like a thief or liar.”
In the context of romantic relationships, the fantasy of prestige can take the form of having
a partner who, as Yolanda puts it, is “beautiful and eye-catching,” someone who can be
“shown off. He is the most handsome and the most desirable, yet chooses to be with me.”
Giusy adds, “Let them be beautiful but not stupid. Desirable, fascinating.” Through their
partner’s value, the Social E3 also gains a vicarious sense of value (“Tell me who you
associate with, and I’ll tell you who you are”) and elevates themselves through their
companion.

In general, when asked how they know they love someone, the Social E3 doesn’t respond
with “Because I feel love.” They struggle to articulate what it means to love. Instead, they
may express sentiments like “I enjoy looking at them,” “I appreciate what they do,” or
“Because they love me.” These explanations often lack emotional depth. At times, they
might even feel emotionally cold, questioning whether they genuinely love their partner.

When and How The Social E3 Connects With Emotions

This character needs to redirect their focus inward, independent of the need for external
approval. Only by looking inward will they be able to recognize their own feelings instead
of merely acting out the expected positive emotions in every situation. Initially, the
challenge lies in feeling anything at all because the emotional void of the Social E3
manifests as coldness—the absence of affectivity.

Sometimes, their limited emotional depth coincides with a lack of compassion for the
suffering of others. Haydée recalls her experiences teaching, saying, “I used to be very
harsh in how I communicated, and my students would cry. I just thought they were idiots. I
feel like such a monster; I didn’t realize it then, but I was incapable of feeling anything when
confronted with a small child in tears!”

At the question of what the worst outcome would be if they expressed the emotions they
contain, they reply: “It’s the loss of control. You cannot be the master of your fate; it’s others
who decide for you.” Additionally:

“If I come into contact with grief, I become entirely helpless, losing my ability to act.
Weakness contradicts what I portray all the time: that I am strong, that I can do anything.
Allowing myself to be vulnerable makes me feel small, physically weak, and defenseless.
It’s literally as if my foundation has cracked.”​
— Haydée

“In the past year, when I meditate, I cry. Continuously. I’ve convinced myself that it’s a way
to release the tension of control. I’m not sure if it carries any other significance. It drains my
energy, and I lose all my defenses...”​
— Francesco

The crying and deep helpless sadness that arise during inner work for the Social E3 likely
have to do with self-pity for the child who went unnoticed and who had to act and earn
recognition to be taken into account.

As the Social E3 gains deeper self-awareness and dismantles their facade of unwavering
confidence, two unique aspects begin to surface, particularly aligning with E6
characteristics. First, there’s fear—a blind spot they must confront on their path. For
someone as self-confident as the Social E3, the second aspect is uncertainty. Embracing
doubt means unraveling the idealized self-image and tapping into their vulnerability: “I’m
unsure of many things, and I’m also afraid.”

Living life as a constant achiever and winner can garner admiration, envy, and appreciation
for their work capacity, but it often lacks genuine affection. When the Social E3 finds
themselves in moments of weakness, they realize that others can protect and love them
despite their imperfections. Accepting another’s compassion becomes an act of humility,
ultimately allowing their long-suppressed emotions to surface beneath the image of a
competent adult.

In safe and nurturing environments, such as the SAT process, the mask falls away. The
Social E3 may feel fearful, fragile, introverted, serious, and, as they connect with their most
authentic self, increasingly relaxed and soothed. “When I connect with myself in silence,”
says Haydée, “I emerge calmer, walk more slowly, speak more gently, and find a sense of
renewal… I gain clarity about what isn’t truly mine and what I’ve adopted. At the SAT,
people tell me, ‘You are much more human.’” Francesco adds, “E3s begin to develop when
we stop being dependent on others, on work, and the need to constantly prove ourselves.
Choosing freely the commitments and work we dedicate ourselves to… This is where real
strength comes from; we become authentic.”

How Sexuality Is Expressed Through Fantasies

As Francesco points out, "E3 already feels guilty for existing. Underneath the guilt lies an
even greater void—a fear of not living up to parental expectations, of being erased. You
idealize what you could have been, but deep down, you know you’re not fulfilling it, which
leads to guilt. Sex also goes hand in hand with guilt. You feel deep down you’re a slut, but
you suppress it."

Social E3 individuals are eroticized by power and social glitz. A person who possesses
qualities associated with the elite—whether economically, socially, or intellectually—is
more attractive to them than someone who simply loves them. Affection is sometimes even
measured economically: “I am worth so much, they love me so much.”

The fantasy of a Social E3 revolves around being admired. They know they can’t rely on
their body as much as the more traditionally sexy sexual Three, which is an effective but
time-limited strategy. Instead, they aim to captivate through qualities like brilliance,
elegance, class, worldliness, and glamour. They seduce with their attitude and their
symbolic and intellectual attributes. More than sexual desire, their aspiration is to earn
admiration and respect. It’s not about raw attraction, but is often filtered through the lens of
cultural refinement.

As they meticulously calculate their presentation, the Social E3 shines in brief encounters,
leaving a strong impression on their interlocutors (if it's a group, even better), but secretly
fears being seen beyond the façade and revealing their inner emptiness. So, their strategy is
to play with the fantasies of others, to allow themselves to be seen in the studied and
flattering light of the theater they’ve constructed, only to disappear and linger as an echo of
fantasy. To be seen but not touched. To fascinate many but commit to none. “If I’m loved by
that prestigious person, then I’m valuable…” All of this game is nothing more than an
illusion, pure performance art.

It’s good for the Social E3 to ask themselves what they truly want—without smoke and
mirrors, without anyone else’s gaze on them, without needing to evoke someone else’s
desire (not even that fantasized or imagined partner who lusts for them). They may then
discover that they’ve distanced themselves from their genuine wants out of fear of the
consequences of expressing them.

Childhood

Character Formation

In early childhood, the essential ontic wound emerges—the sense of not being loved for
simply existing, which is specific to each E3 individual—followed by a false compensation
that shapes the character. The Social E3 child believes they have been valued based on a
lie. This falsehood, reinforced by the praise of adults, involves being proudly displayed in
front of an audience. The child often becomes the object of possession by narcissistic
parents who view them as an extension of their own inflated self-esteem (the child might
have been born with certain privileges and feel “naturally” superior).

They grow up believing they can do anything, acquiring a sense of omnipotence, privilege,
and favoritism. This status is typically maintained due to their inherent talents, a strong
work ethic, and a motivation to continually demonstrate their worth. The child is usually
self-conscious and may employ deliberate strategies to avoid feeling like a child. It’s not
uncommon for them to feel shame regarding their ancestors, attempting to compensate for
this with their own brilliance (as seen in individuals born into poverty who ambitiously
climb the social ladder). The child becomes, in a sense, the star of the family—the chosen
one, the redeemer of the clan.

Typically, the Social E3 child is the favorite of the parent of the opposite sex and tends to
identify with them. However, the attitude toward this figure is simultaneously ambiguous,
featuring elements of seduction, hostility, or competitiveness.

A film aptly illustrating the development of an E3 character from childhood is Little Miss
Sunshine. In this movie, parents dress up their children and create little monsters—it's all
about control, and it's horrible. They create pure illusion using their children. It’s a real
festival of Threes lost in the act, in the simulation.

Parents

The Social E3 grows up burdened with excessive responsibility, often suppressing their true
needs to please their parents and secure their affection. They would readily express anger
with the parent of the opposite sex and freeze to avoid pain and frustration. The dynamics
established in childhood, marked by grandiose parental expectations, make it difficult for
them to establish mature romantic relationships as adults.

They tend not to recall moments of repair or reconciliation between their parents. Instead,
they often witnessed their parents publicly humiliating their spouses and, as children,
experienced physical or psychological violence at their hands, further eroding trust in
authority figures.

Some Key Childhood Memories

Here is a compilation of childhood memories from future Social E3s:

●​ When I was two or three years old, I didn’t yet know how to read, but I knew the
story of La Ratita Presumida (“Boastful Little Rat”) by heart. Whenever there were
visitors, my parents would say to me, “Come, Haydée, read the story to your
friends.” I would play along, pretending to read, turning the pages at the right times,
and my parents would proudly applaud my act. They knew I couldn’t read, but let
my friends be fooled. I was living up to my parents’ narcissistic expectations—they
 were showing me off, and I was putting on a façade. My parents and their friends
loved and admired me dearly. This taught me that I am valued, but not for my own
virtues, and has left me with tremendous internal insecurity.​
Haydée
●​ When my mother was at the hairdresser’s, I would read to all the children. I was a
terrible reader, but when I got lost in the story, I would make up the plot and put on
different voices, like an actress.​
Giusy
●​ I wasn’t old enough to attend school (I must have been around three years old), but I
pretended to leave for school so that someone would pick me up. It was a strategy
to appear a bit older than I was back then.​
Yolanda
●​ My grandfather was a teacher, and I was expected to be extraordinary, at least on
my grandparents’ side of the family, where things were fine. But on my parents’ side,
everything was a mess, and I felt deep shame. I wanted to hide the chaos in my
family. I had two separate worlds. In my family life, it was tragic because my father
was extremely violent; he beat us up all the time, and there was constant yelling
and drama. At school, I found a place of peace. I excelled academically and worked
hard because not doing so would result in punishment at home. It was important to
me that no one at school knew, or even suspected, what was happening at home.
Nobody was aware of my family life. Outside the house, at school, I was happy and
content. If I had any bruises, I would explain them as injuries from falling off the new
bicycle my parents had bought me, instead of revealing that I had been beaten at
home.​
Giusy
●​ My mother sent me to an Ursuline nuns’ school, which was upper middle class, to
match the social status of the ladies she interacted with, even though our family had
a lower socioeconomic background. At school, I often concealed or lied about my
family’s financial situation to avoid being judged. For instance, my father drove a
horse-drawn carriage, and I was so embarrassed to be seen arriving in it that I’d ask
him to drop me off far from the entrance, because my classmates got out of
chauffeur-driven Mercedeses. It wasn’t that I lied outright, but I made subtle
misrepresentations. I would brag about spending summers at a countryside farm,
letting them assume it was our own, even though it belonged to some friends.​
Haydée
●​ My parents worked as laborers and had emigrated to Switzerland, yet they made an
effort to send me to a good school. I lived in Spain with my grandparents, and I often
fabricated stories about my parents. I claimed they owned companies and even said
they were dead!​
Yolanda
●​ I must have been six or eight years old, and my birthday brought many kids together
for a party. One of the games involved a hidden treasure hunt. Just before we began,
my mother whispered to me where the treasure was hidden. That act unwittingly
made me an accomplice in imposture. I found myself torn between the desire to
“win,” the compulsion to obey my mother, and the overwhelming, intolerable
embarrassment of cheating everyone. By not allowing me to play fairly, my mother
tainted my spontaneity and childlike innocence. I didn’t know how to resolve the
conflict or stand up to her. As the treasure hunt started, I pretended to search
randomly, and after a while, I went to the hiding spot and “found” it. All the while, I
was shrinking with inner embarrassment, restrained anger, and a hatred that no one
could truly understand. I felt disgusted, and I don’t remember what the prize was at
all. Well, actually, the prize was the feeling of deceit and moral contamination, and
the effort to appear like my peers while knowing I couldn’t be like them.​
Ana
●​ During my school days, students were considered attentive when they were very
quiet, focused on the teacher, and had their hands behind their back. When it was
time to do this, during moments of silence in class, I placed my hands behind my
back, pressed my lips together, and became very, very stiff, puffing out my chest,
and widening my eyes. I would almost choke from holding my breath. I contorted
myself into this ridiculous posture to show the teacher how well-behaved and quiet
I was.​
Giusy
●​ For me, as a kid, attracting attention was a mixture of embarrassment and urgency.
At school, I used to imitate the singer Raphael. The more people looked at me, the
more I grew and became increasingly histrionic. I love receiving applause; I feel like
it gives me something I am missing.​
Eustaquio
●​ I don’t remember specific instances, but I recall the feeling that when there was an
audience, I did everything better. If I didn’t win, I did whatever it took to be
recognized. I itched to be noticed, even if it was something negative. I couldn’t bear
the thought of being no one. It was as if I needed an observer, someone to
acknowledge me.​
Francesco
●​ When I studied piano as a child, in my imagination, there were people watching me
practice. I didn’t practice just for the sake of it; I did it with the fantasy that there
were people appreciating how well I played. My mother used to sit nearby to listen.
I needed an audience, whether real or imagined.​
Haydée
●​ When I was little, at the pool, I eagerly ran towards it, facing my mother, shouting
for her to watch me dive in. I was so desperate for her attention that I dashed into
 the pool. There was a slide, and my need for an audience was so intense that I
jumped down it… without even realizing there was no water in the pool! More than
the physical harm, the public embarrassment hurt me.​
Yolanda
●​ When I was seven, my father enrolled me in a swimming course taught by his
former diving partner. I felt the teacher’s eyes on me, and perhaps my father’s as
well (although I was too embarrassed to check if he was watching). There were
many laps to swim, and I was exhausted. I felt like I was going to die, that I couldn’t
take another stroke, that my heart would give out, that I’d drown. But out of shame
for not measuring up, I kept swimming, hiding the fact I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t
listen to my common sense and stop because I wanted to live up to those
expectations; I couldn’t bear to disappoint. I went against my survival instinct, all for
the sake of an image.​
Ana
●​ I remember that, when I was little, my father, who was a civil guard, got wounded in
an armed conflict with terrorists. I remember being with him in the hospital, holding
his hand. Press photographers arrived and, when I saw them, I shifted my attention
from my father and turned to them, posing to be photographed. I was twelve or
thirteen years old.​
Francesco
●​ When I was little, a boyfriend once asked me if I knew how to ride a bike, and I
confidently said yes, even though I had no idea how to. We arranged to meet, and I
rode my bike out of the house. “Where are you going with that bike?” a relative
asked me. “To ride,” I replied. “But you don’t know how to ride!” she yelled. I got on
the bike and started going downhill, not knowing how to brake. I managed to stop
by making a sharp turn in front of my boyfriend. Rather than admitting that I didn’t
know how to ride, I took the bike and kept going… that’s how I learned.​
Yolanda
●​ As a child, I was very athletic and used to run and jump hurdles. On one occasion, in
a race, they mistakenly placed one of the last hurdles too far from the previous one.
Since strides are measured based on the standard distance between hurdles, I
couldn’t adjust for the unexpected gap, and I fell down hard. I broke my knees, but
more than the fall, I found the scene horribly embarrassing in the eyes of
others—the public failure was so overwhelming that my face flushed with shame. I
decided enough was enough, and I never ran hurdles again. Image was so important
to me that, because of it, I gave up something I loved.​
Giusy
●​ In Mexico, where I was born, while stuck in a traffic jam on a beltway, I remember
putting on a little show directed at whoever was in the car next to me. I was hooked
on the driver’s gaze; it was so fun entertaining someone. But my brother kept giving
 me strange looks, and it made me feel ashamed.​
Eustaquio

Persona and Shadow: Destructive to Themselves and Others

As we have already observed, the most obviously destructive force in the Social E3 is their
emotional control, fueled by the quest for recognition, competitiveness, and their
compulsive need to be seen, to stand out – to “shine.”

The Social E3’s destructiveness is evident in their cold and calculating way of presenting
themselves to the world. This is often done through blame and projecting a false image to
fill internal voids or disconnections. They sell a carefully crafted image of themselves.

Additionally, their self-destruction extends to an “emotional corset” related to physical pain.

The Social E3 surrenders to emotional pain while feeling detached from it. Although their
conscious mind might not fully understand their emotions, their body responds to this
constraint, acting like a prehistoric animal defending itself from emotional bonds.

The Social E3’s demanding nature is also harmful. They sometimes use their standards as a
reference, unforgiving when others don’t measure up. They possess a profound fear of
rejection, of not being recognized, which is paradoxically exactly what they do to others:
they reject and overlook them, without drawing too much attention to the act. They
unconsciously blame others for their lack of recognition, creating a double-edged game:
“This person doesn’t see me, doesn’t like me. Well, I don’t care, as they hold no value for
me!”

This pattern of blaming and demanding, often accompanied by intransigence, remains in the
shadows (“I accuse others of something I don’t like about myself”), and this way the Social
E3 effectively absolves themselves of guilt. By keeping this aspect hidden, they heighten
their expectations of others while refusing to leave themselves alone. They are compelled
to either do everything perfectly or, at the very least, put great effort into concealing their
imperfections from others.

We have already demonstrated that among the vain subtypes, the Social E3s are the best
salesmen of themselves... or, rather, their emptiness. They are the ones who establish the
most shallow relationships and often fail to recognize the coldness and rigidity they convey,
which others readily perceive. They seem to have many close friends, but these connections
often remain superficial, only serving their needs. As long as the motivation behind these
actions stays hidden, they won’t fully embrace the responsibility of letting themselves be
caught red-handed.
The less significance the Social E3 appears to attach to their properties, the more important
they believe they seem to others. This disguised ostentation includes, first of all, their
homes, which they prefer large and beautiful, designed to impress. When they show their
home, they try to diminish its value and don’t mention the effort it has cost them to obtain
it. Others are then left in awe of the power they seem to hold.

Their enormous self-doubt, combined with their need to be liked or admired, leads the
socially vain to nurture an image that pleases many, while simultaneously distancing
themselves from what they genuinely like. This authentic part remains in the shadows as
they focus on showcasing what sells well to others.

This disidentification with their true self and identification with what they believe is
appealing is fundamentally based on their capacity to feel everything and, at the same time,
feel nothing. We are talking about emptiness. The Social E3 has an aversion to emptiness
and, seeking to quell the anxiety it generates, inadvertently amplifies it. By trying to
safeguard their intimacy, their secrets, they construct a delusion that they believe shields
their emptiness, when, in fact, it only serves to reinforce their passion for vanity.

To connect with their feelings, they try to feel what others feel. Sometimes, faced with the
impossibility of connecting with pain, they believe they are not capable of feeling anything.
They often require a cathartic release or the stimulation of anger or aggression to access
their emotions. It can only happen through the body.

Social E3s’ fixation on image extends beyond merely doing well; it is not so much about
doing well as it is about others recognizing how well and how much they accomplish. In
their mania to be continuously recognized, they develop an illusive power through
self-deception. They fill their inner emptiness with a multitude of tasks, to which they are
addicted. The hunger to be the best and be indispensable leads them to use other people
to fulfill their tasks, often appropriating their merits, and exercising over their eventual
collaborators a rigid and, at times, condescending authority.

The mastery of bodily control comes at the price of a stark disconnection from their own
physicality. The Social E3 controls themselves mentally and disconnects physically,
resulting in an eerie rigidity that almost appears to freeze any meaningful physical contact.
Their body, operating largely at an unconscious level, becomes the canvas upon which
emotions are expressed through symptoms like illnesses or eating disorders. It’s as if only
through this channel can the Social E3 express their emotional turmoil. This peculiar
mechanism allows them to circumvent the more profound introspection that would require
confronting their inner monster of fear, or contacting pain, inferiority, and psychic emptiness
itself. They perceive their body almost as an entity distinct from themselves, bearing
wounds that feel foreign, as if they don’t belong to the core of their being.
Showing emotion “weakens” them and detracts from their good image. As such, their
emotional self must be pushed to the back burner, concealed behind the scenes, while their
controlled, self-assured, and “safe” persona takes center stage.

This detachment from what they truly feel generates such insecurity that they try to
compensate for it with a facade of quick responses and apparent security presented to the
outside world. All to ensure that their secret fragility, stemming from a deep-seated fear of
not being loved, remains unnoticed. Yolanda’s testimony is eye-opening:

Yolanda’s Testimony

I hate feeling uncertain when making a decision, so sometimes I choose impulsively,

without taking the time to consider what I really want.​
I always feign confidence. For instance, as soon as I walk into a café, I immediately order
coffee. However, if someone were to ask, “What would you like to drink?” or if my
companion opts for something different or takes a moment to decide, I’m thrown into a
state of inner indecision. Doubt creeps in as to whether what I’ve ordered is what I’m really
in the mood for, and the hesitation forces me to confront the unsettling realization that I
might not be entirely sure what I want. But I rarely change my initial decision because doing
so would call into question the image I portray: that of someone who is swift, sure, and
decisive.​
And so, I project an image of confidence while concealing the part of me that dwells in the
shadows—more doubtful, insecure, and disconnected from my genuine feelings and
desires.

The image presented by a Social E3 is one of correctness. Everything else is hidden behind
the façade. Hostile impulses or aggressive tendencies are skillfully transformed into a
seamless adaptation to the world, creating an appearance of pure composure. When anger
arises, it is carefully concealed beneath a serious demeanor. What irritates the Social E3 is
met with silence. What is incomprehensible to them is met with feigned interest,
accompanied by gestures mimicking understanding. What makes them nervous is
responded to with a smile. Vulgarity is cleverly reframed as appropriateness,
aggressiveness as emotional firmness, and fear turns into counterphobic mechanisms.

The expression of tender emotions is challenging for the Social E3 due to a lack of
reference points. In their formative years, they learned to gain affection by becoming a
well-behaved “doll.” Consequently, they tend to express tenderness through actions, by
giving or sharing something with others, effectively turning it into a form of generosity. In
some cases, this generosity may be insincere, driven by the underlying belief that “if I give,
others will love me more; if I don’t burden them, they will appreciate my correctness.”

Showing vulnerability or expressing affection is a daunting task for them. To begin with,
they think they might do it wrong, concerned that if they show their emotions—whether it’s
a tender, aggressive, or painful one—they will not come across as credible. They also worry
that others may perceive them as weak and potentially hurt them. In any case, they prefer
to present a dry and tough exterior, concealing their true tender, emotional, and vulnerable
self.

Their genuine tender side often conflicts with the mask they wear. Occasionally, they may
connect with feelings of tenderness, which can be felt throughout the body. However, if
they realize they need others during these moments, they become tense once more. The
alarm bells go off, warning them that this doesn’t pay off. The fear of feeling, of what might
happen, keeps them away from real emotional contact. They revert to their learned
helplessness—the belief that if they’re vulnerable, others will abandon them. Once again,
they return to prioritizing the perceptions of others over the authenticity of their feelings.

Motivated by their narcissistic drive to ascend the throne of prestige, they may subtly
exhibit their contempt for authority figures, indirectly signaling that they’re ineffective
leaders, while literally assuring them that they’re performing just fine.

The decapitation attempt might also have its origin in another dark aspect of the Social E3:
envy, hidden so deeply because it attests to their sense of lack, contact with which would
be intolerable. Envy thus serves as an automatic mechanism for diminishing the value of
others. Competition is something that the E3 will hardly, if ever, acknowledge (doing so
would dismantle their entire character), and most of the time it takes the form of strategic
actions or traps aimed at undermining the value and competence of others in the eyes of
both themselves and the surrounding observers.

Giusy’s Secret Fear

“I assume so many identities (through the ego and its masks) because deep down, as I truly
am, I’m horrible, I’m a demon.”

(Eustaquio)

"I wear an appropriate mask for each occasion to conceal my inner demon, the part I can’t
reveal. Underneath is my rigidity, envy, anger, sadness, and my desire to be admired. The
ego is demonic because it craves to be unique, adopting many faces and identities, yet there
isn’t a single one that is good."
Ana’s Reflection

“I carry a primal, shapeless, generic form of guilt, along with the immense responsibility of
trying to make amends for it. It’s more than an internal monster—I wish I could give it a
tangible form, but what I experience is a more fundamental nihilism, a basic kind of guilt. I
have a need to permanently justify my right to exist through my performance and brilliance.
Even when I let go of it during meditation, the question haunts me whether it’s genuine, or
whether I’m escaping again.”

In the shadows, as we’ve mentioned before, anger and aggressiveness also dwell.
Furthermore, the emotional self-regulation of the Social E3 is so great because they
perceive their inner self as harboring genuine, formidable monsters that are difficult to
control once unleashed. Giusy illustrates it this way:

"I have a homicidal instinct. I used to fear for my children, worrying that something might
happen to them. And it was really because I believed that I myself could hurt them, or even
worse, kill them. During the nights, when I’d check on them while they were asleep to
confirm they were breathing and still had a pulse, what I really wanted to verify was that
they were alive despite my homicidal ideation.​
But the truth is that I’m totally incapable of harming a child. Once, when I gave my son a
few cookies, I ended up apologizing to him. He looked at me with such a look of humiliation
that I felt terrible. And my baby, I once gave him a little nibble on the ear, and then I felt the
worst."

Love

Love is a difficult emotion for a Social E3. Their experience with love is marked by constant
fluctuations, where they seem to “cool down” and “heat up” regularly. When they perceive
love, it triggers confusion and distrust, making them question, “Is this really love?” One of
the questions that can throw a Social E3 off the most is, “How do you know you love
someone?”

In the Social E3’s childhood, love was confused with recognition. “If I’m recognized, I’m
valuable. And if I’m valuable, they love me,” as Yolanda puts it. “If they don’t show me
recognition, I’m not valid. And if I’m not valid, they don’t love me.” This early lack of
affection has led them to seek love outside of traditional emotional references. Yolanda
adds:
“When I see a couple kissing in the street, I feel excited, thinking that’s love. But I
immediately invalidate the scene, assuming that it won’t be the same when they’re alone.
I’m unsure if the kiss is just for show or if it’s a genuine expression of their feelings. Deep
down, my interpretation is driven by my distrust, as there’s a disconnect between what I’m
supposed to feel and what I genuinely feel.”

For the Social E3, love revolves around the idea of feeling seen, loved, wanted, and desired
– being the center of their partner’s world, even if their partner is not the center of theirs. In
a romantic relationship, they need to be the sole focus of the other’s attention. And even if
it’s not the case the other way around, they pretend it is and make their significant other
believe it.

With their primary attention focused on the social sphere, their partner doesn’t hold as
much significance. They tune their radar to seek recognition and love from many people. In
love, they encounter a sense of emptiness connected to the act of surrender, and the Social
E3, due to their inherent distrust, finds it difficult to surrender. So, they market affection,
appearing as if they’re trustworthy, generous, kind, and accommodating – all to make their
partner love them. However, they never truly connect with their real feelings for that
person.

Once they’ve successfully charmed them, an alarm goes off: “Be cautious, for you will be
abandoned when you least expect it!” Their deep-seated fear of abandonment, stemming
from a painful and unhealed wound, is unconsciously activated when they enter into an
intimate relationship. They feel vulnerable, and this fear surfaces: “If I don’t protect myself
from love, I’ll get hurt.”

Adding to this, their irrational belief that “the other person will be disappointed when they
discover who I truly am” accentuates the magnitude of the threat. In the face of love, the
Social E3 plunges into emotional confusion, which they try to hide. Seduction allows them
to dangle a carrot in front of their target, inciting desire. However, if they provide sex, their
partner’s desire dwindles. Farewell to the longing gaze through which the Social E3 feels
legitimized and valued:

“For many years of my life, making love felt like a chore, merely a means to please, whether
it was my partner or someone else, as long as I received comments like ‘You’re so good at
this’ or ‘You make me feel amazing.’ This satisfied my craving for physical contact and
sensations. Making the other person experience pleasure was the source of my own
pleasure, and it felt like an emotional bond, all without truly connecting with my own body
or desires.”​
(Yolanda)
“In falling in love, I’ve been looking for that ‘good vibe’ through experimenting and having
fun. I used to seduce using various tactics, not limited to the sexual aspect. It’s only in the
latter part of my life that I’ve truly embraced my sexuality; previously, it was more of an
instrumental thing, a means to an end. Now, I can open up, bursting with energy, and the
act of making love naturally flows from within when I connect with someone else.”​
(Eustaquio)

Social E3s don’t typically engage in emotionally intense relationships characterized by

dramatic ups and downs. On the contrary, since personal connection serves as the gateway
to their emotional world, they often come across as cold. In disputes with their partner, they
appear distant, displaying sharp verbal dominance.

For the Social E3, love is closely linked to trust, their compulsive need to be liked, the
irrational belief that they must adapt to please everyone, and their interpretation of
approval as a genuine sign of affection. Their “experience” of love thus remains a superficial
sensation. Yolanda provides a powerful testament to this:

“When I’m with my partner, I need him to verbally express how much he loves me. He hugs
me, kisses me, but that’s not enough for me; I don’t understand it. I ask him to put his love
into words, and he says, ‘Enough.’ Then he hugs me tightly again for a long time. I freeze,
not knowing what to do. I wonder, ‘How long will this hug last? What am I supposed to
do?’​
I might have had only three occasions when I briefly felt erotic love. Just a few fleeting
seconds. Generally, I can’t distinguish my love from the love of the other person, from its
utility, from the image, and from many other things.”

In authentic love, the kind that doesn’t seduce but genuinely gives, one can reveal their true
self with openness and vulnerability. Such authenticity sparks a more profound and genuine
bond. If, on the other hand, interpersonal relationships are built upon a facade (in this case,
a social one), that very barrier makes real connection and, consequently, true love
impossible.

In the case of Social E3 individuals, there is often a strong identification with a parent of the
opposite sex and a sense of competition with a parent of the same sex. There’s also the
sense of lacking instinctual resources (sexual, among others) in their approach to
relationships. They tend to have low self-esteem about their physical appearance; the body
isn’t perfect enough to express themselves freely and authentically. Despite that, they may
employ techniques to present their bodies as more attractive than they perceive them to be,
as Ana explains:

“I guess this has to do with my second subtype, the sexual one. I tend to present myself as
more interesting, erotic, and perfect than I actually am. Being natural makes me
self-conscious. I’m afraid to transition from appearances to the real thing. I think I manage
to project a certain ideal that isn’t truly me. And it’s hard to maintain that facade, although,
at this point, it has become an automatic response.”

Social E3s often idealize love, for which they don’t have a healthy reference. They may not
have felt genuinely loved early in life, becoming very lost and robotic in its presence. “Yes, I
think of perfect love…” Francesco articulates, “The reality is that I’ve found a love that is
built day by day, a love that requires effort. I believe there’s no such thing as perfect love,
but the effort to love.”

The only way for them to access an authentic emotional space is to break free from
dependence and identification with the needs of others. The Social E3 struggles to embrace
love understood as a free energy that doesn’t require proof.

In some cases, their mother was overly touchy and invasive, giving the impression of using
the child, who felt instrumentalized and disrespected. More commonly, they had a critical or
openly hostile mother who was always correcting them. Love, in such cases, can be
confused with being too soft. This is how Yolanda describes her experience:

“I falsely equate tenderness with weakness. I used to be incapable of feeling tenderness; I

think my mother’s lack of affection clouded my ability to perceive it. When I recognize it in
others and allow myself to experience it, I lose control, I lose my footing. It’s as if I’m
playing a role; I have doubts about embracing being tender. It’s as though behind that, there
lurks a fear of real contact, a need for a hug. The need for tenderness is hidden; it remains in
the shadows.​
When I feel tender, I feel vulnerable. It’s as if I lose my strength, and I’m going to be
trampled on. I connect with an emotion for which I lack the appropriate codes.”

Naranjo’s classification of love into erotic, compassionate, and admiring can be summarized
in the Social E3 as follows:

Erotic love in this subtype is utilized as a means to seek validation. It is not experienced as a
free expression of instinct and sexuality but rather as a means of being reaffirmed.
Disconnected from sensuality and sexual pleasure, erotic love serves the purpose of
maintaining a false image. They exchange erotic love for compassionate love (from a
partner) or admiring love (social acceptance).

The Social E3 strives to be admired as much as they find it difficult to admire others.
Whenever someone holds value in their eyes, it triggers their low self-esteem, leading to
envy and feelings of inferiority that manifest in a contemptuous attitude.​
The lack of maternal tenderness, and parents with empathy for their emotional world
during childhood, results in compassionate love remaining a feeling that is perpetually
longed for but distrusted in the Social E3.

Historical Figures​
Klemens von Metternich

"Power abuses generate revolutions; revolutions are worse than any abuse. The first
statement should be addressed to sovereigns, the second to the people."​
~ Klemens von Metternich

Prince Metternich (detail)​

Sir Thomas Lawrence

Klemens Wenzel Nepomuk Lothar von Metternich-Winneburg-Beilstein (born in Koblenz on

May 15, 1773, and passed away in Vienna on June 11, 1859) held the titles of Count; from
1813, Prince of Metternich-Winneburg; and from 1818, Duke of Portella. He was an
Austrian diplomat and statesman who, from 1821, served as the State Chancellor of the
Austrian Empire.

Born in Koblenz, he belonged to the House of Metternich, an old German family of high
nobility. In 1795, he married the granddaughter of the former Austrian chancellor, Count
Wenzel Anton von Kaunitz.

Political Career

Metternich embarked on his political journey at a young age, serving as his father Georg’s
private secretary before turning twenty-five. His diplomatic talents quickly elevated him to
the position of ambassador, first to Berlin and later, in 1806, to Paris.

Following Austria’s devastating defeat at the hands of Napoleon in 1809, Metternich was
appointed foreign minister. He pursued a pro-French policy, orchestrating the marriage
between Napoleon and Archduchess Maria Luisa of Habsburg, the daughter of Emperor
Franz II.

After Napoleon’s defeat in Russia in 1812, Metternich adopted a more neutral policy and
attempted to mediate peace between Bonaparte and his Russian and Prussian enemies. In
June 1813, he met Napoleon in Dresden, announcing that the mediation had failed. Austria
subsequently declared war on France.
Towards the end of the war in 1814, Metternich concluded that peace with Napoleon was
impossible and supported the Bourbon restoration. This stance aligned him with Lord
Castlereagh, the British Foreign Secretary.

Metternich played a key role as one of the main negotiators during the Congress of Vienna.
He had a bitter dispute with Tsar Alexander I of Russia over the latter’s plans for Poland.
Metternich’s attempts to form a united front with Castlereagh and von Hardenberg, the
Prussian chancellor, against Alexander I ultimately failed due to Prussia’s reluctance to
oppose Russia. However, he surprised Prussia by forging an alliance with Castlereagh and
Talleyrand, the French envoy, which saved the kingdom of Saxony from Prussian
annexation. At the same time, he negotiated with Prussia, Bavaria, Württemberg, and
Hanover to establish the German Confederation.

In the years following the Congress of Vienna, Metternich focused on preserving diplomatic
equilibrium and protecting monarchies and empires from the growing tide of democratic
sentiments.

The revolutionary uprisings of 1848 marked the end of his political dominance. Subversive
movements in Vienna demanded his resignation in March, forcing Metternich and his third
wife to flee the country. They returned three years later, with Metternich assuming the role
of adviser to Emperor Franz Joseph of Austria. He passed away in Vienna on June 11, 1859.

The Political Man

Metternich’s conservative perspective on the nature of the state significantly shaped the
outcomes of the Congress of Vienna. He believed that, since people were familiar with how
old institutions functioned, national revolutions—such as those in France and Greece—were
not legitimate.

The principle of legitimacy played a pivotal role in restoring former states, including the
Papal State in Italy and the Bourbon monarchy in France under Louis XVIII. Through the
Carlsbad Decree (1819), Metternich introduced measures that strictly curtailed liberal
developments, particularly targeting professors and students, whom he held responsible
for spreading liberal and radical ideas.

Character Analysis
Klemens Wenzel Lothar combined maternal charm and spirit with the paternal attitudes
dictated by his rank, along with a love for life’s pleasures, forming a unique amalgam that
ultimately changed history.

It is fair to say that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth—an aristocrat through and
through by birthright, and the epitome of a gentleman according to the prevailing model of
his time. His contemporaries claimed that only someone who had lived as he did could
understand the true sweetness of existence. It is therefore unsurprising that he sought to
prolong this privileged status for as long as possible, driven more by personal than political
motives.

Contrary to some claims, he was not rooted in the pre-revolutionary 18th century. Had he
been, he might have had the opportunity to grow and adapt to changing times. Instead, he
was born fully formed into a world where he was denied the possibility of evolution, and he
never wished to stray from it. At the age of forty-five, he declared that he was the same
person he had been at fifteen and maintained that, even under different circumstances, he
would have remained unchanged.

Everything he inherited at birth—natural talents, intelligence, and his family’s social

standing—ensured a happy present and a secure future. His mother spoiled her favorite
son, while his father flattered him excessively, indulging his youthful escapades. His
siblings were subordinate to him, acknowledging his natural superiority and understanding
that he would always be in the right.

From a young age, he mastered the art of winning people over, often without even trying.
Handsome, with blond hair and blue eyes, he exuded charm. People found him
kind-hearted, innocent, and shy, yet already gallant and chivalrous. Metternich carefully
cultivated this impression, combining obedience with calculated generosity to gracefully
satisfy and condescend. He knew how to charm people without being overly ingratiating or
bending to their will, mastering the art of dealing with others.

While this talent consolidated his social and political standing, it did little to shape his
character. Winning sympathy came so easily to him that he became overly proud and
self-congratulatory. He never doubted himself, nor did he engage in introspection or
self-critique. At his core, he was an egocentric man, resolutely determined not to deviate
from his chosen course.

Since people usually agreed with him, he assumed he was always right. Lacking a
propensity for confrontation, he sometimes fell into laziness, delegating tasks to others and
demonstrating little political acumen. He disliked saying “no” and rarely needed to, at least
not directly, which earned him widespread respect.
A Narcissus incarnate, Metternich was deeply in love with himself. He admired his reflection
and delighted in arousing general admiration. He often posed, performed, and sought the
spotlight, much like a peacock—a favorite symbol of the Rococo era. His courtesies, though
seemingly affectionate, were calculated to deliver words others wanted to hear.

His mother had encouraged such behavior, seeing it as indispensable for his social ascent.
On one occasion, while in Strasbourg, young Klemens expressed a preference for Italian
music, prompting a sharp admonition from his mother. Thereafter, in Germany, he professed
a love for Germanic music; in France, Gallic music.

His father offered him practical advice: always be polite and never neglect older women,
whose gossip influenced opinions about young men more than commonly believed.
Metternich followed this advice but soon sought the admiration of a broader audience.
Stories of his early romantic escapades circulated, often shared by those envious of his
future conquests. Rumors claimed he had dalliances with waitresses and maids, but such
encounters likely marked his only interactions with the common folk.

Perfectly at ease in salons and courts, Metternich was a brilliant conversationalist and
eager to please, though he was little loved—neither by his contemporaries nor by posterity,
with the notable exception of women. Blessed with good looks and a flattering manner, he
treated women as a libertine of the 18th century, devoted to them with unbridled ardor. His
list of conquests was extensive. Married three times, he was frequently unfaithful, aspiring,
out of vanity, to women of the highest social echelons.

From a young age, Metternich inhabited the exclusive feudal and aristocratic world. His first
educational environments were his father’s study and his mother’s salon. He learned early
that the fief was an intangible, hereditary asset that needed to be preserved and expanded,
as it was the foundation of both old nobility’s wealth and the broader social order.

In his mother’s parlor, he mastered the art of comporting himself among his peers,
distinguishing himself from the rest. As a child, he took pride in outshining others with his
poise and claimed that he stumbled less often. Of himself, he said, “I never ran in a hurry
and always kept my eyes wide open.”

He was quick to learn good manners. In social interactions, he paid close attention to
formality—perhaps more so than to the content of what he was saying. In conversations, he
chatted rather than truly engaged, exuding kindness and charisma and dazzling effortlessly.
His was, in short, a superficial, salon-style courtesy. French was the predominant language
of the court environment, and he used it so often that his father eventually felt compelled to
admonish him, concerned that he might forget his mother tongue. He expressed himself in
French more elegantly, albeit with less clarity. This was not contradictory, as French was
not only the language of philosophers but also of diplomats.
He learned rapidly, treating education as a game. This, however, became almost a handicap.
His excellent memory led him to assume erroneously that he didn’t need to exert himself
thoroughly in his studies. He lacked the perseverance necessary to delve deeply into what
he understood quickly and the will to translate his learning into meaningful work. On the
other hand, he already had everything he needed and was confident that, in time, he would
acquire whatever else he fancied.

His natural inclination to view the present and future as rosy was rooted in a rational
optimism and confidence in progress, characteristic of the Enlightenment. Consistent with
the Enlightenment's emphasis on autonomy and moral independence, he sought personal
happiness and aspired to live guided by his own pleasure. He tried to elevate these ideals
to principles of absolute validity, prioritizing them over all rules. This aligned with his vision
of political order, which he believed was rooted in the continuity of his world. Privately,
however, Klemens was less rigid; he occasionally deviated from principles and made
exceptions to rules.

The essential demands of the spirit of the times aligned with his mental disposition,
explaining why Metternich bore the imprint of the Enlightenment throughout his life—or
rather, of the Enlightenment’s elitist phase: autonomy for the elite and enlightened
despotism for the rest of humanity. He internalized the maxim of his Protestant tutor,
Johann Friedrich Simon: “Experience and thinking are the only major forces which form the
human mind.” However, he did not fully adopt the morals and pedagogy of Rousseau, as
practiced by Simon, who believed that “the natural man was good, and the return to nature
should begin with gymnastic exercises, swimming, excursions, life in the open air, and
spending nights in a tent.” This lifestyle did not appeal to the young Count Metternich, who
appreciated comfort and would not have willingly forsaken powders, ointments, and
wigs—objects his tutor considered to be causes of physical and spiritual ills that softened
and effeminized the soul.

From Metternich, one could not expect a Sturm und Drang, a tumult of the spirit, nor
extravagance or overwhelming passions. By the age of fifteen, he was already a
man—receptive, precocious, and haughty—embodying the nobility from which he hailed.
Even as a teenager, he was deemed mature enough to commence higher studies at the
University of Strasbourg, a destination for future diplomats, a career well-suited to the rank
to which he felt predestined.

The young Metternich had a natural aversion to contemplation, stemming from laziness. His
willingness to readily accept what others had already thought was more pronounced than
his willpower or capacity for independent mental activity. He was not passionately devoted
to study, nor did he need to be. He was not required to take examinations and could pursue
a diplomatic career without attaining a degree. It was considered more important for a
diplomat to understand life than to possess book smarts. Above all, he had to learn how to
navigate society and move with ease.

Thus, the young man discarded libraries in favor of salons. Ballrooms pleased him infinitely
more than classrooms, and he applied himself diligently to this practice, behaving in an
exemplary manner and achieving excellent results. Wherever he went, he aroused
sympathy and admiration. One of his first biographers described him as follows: “That
beautiful face with its slightly aquiline nose, framed by a mass of blond curls that fall over
his shoulders, illuminated by large blue passionate eyes, noble and pure like the
countenance of a young gentleman in the old German paintings. To this was added the
haughty yet harmonious bearing of his movements, the surprising confidence of each
gesture, and the graceful decorum of his entire person.”

However, closer observers appraised him differently and did not refrain from criticism. His
face, though beautiful, lacked depth of thought and was rather insipid. His pronounced
nose could have suggested character, but its pointed nature betrayed presumption. There
was a subtly sensual quality to his mouth, hinting at lasciviousness, and beneath his
perennial smile lurked a sardonic edge. There was something faun-like about the youth.

Metternich belonged to an era of distinct conventions. The lives of individuals and

communities were regulated by divine order and moral laws, safeguarding Christian
humanitas. It was necessary to preserve the “best of all worlds,” to aspire to beauty,
goodness, and truth, and to respect agreements: pacta sunt servanda.

As a political figure, the French historian Albert Sorel summed him up as follows: “He was
a diplomat of the highest caliber, without equal in his time and in his kind, and he deserved
to lead Europe while Europe deserved to be led by diplomacy.” Swiss diplomat Henry
Vallotton wrote, “Metternich advocated a union of European states and was the forerunner
of the men of goodwill who founded the League of Nations, what would later be called the
United Nations.” U.S. Foreign Minister Henry Kissinger applied the Metternichian method,
which he defined as follows:

“Metternich made a policy that was the status quo par excellence, the purpose of which
was to maintain stability, not to realize ideals. And equilibrium is the classic definition of
historical experience, which teaches us that no order is solid unless it also guarantees
material protection against aggression.”

Teresa of Ávila​
by Haydée Nozal
Portrait of Teresa of Ávila​
Peter Paul Rubens

“A woman of open and communicative character, of extreme sensitivity and personal

sympathy, Teresa de Cepeda y Ahumada, possessed at the same time an energetic temper
that allowed her to face the greatest setbacks. Passionate and enthusiastic, intrepid and
willful—a woman of action, in a word—she always kept her feet on the ground, despite her
numerous incidents of a supernatural nature. She managed her milieu with a difficult
balance between idealism and practice.” This splendid description by Dámaso Chicharro
paints a picture of the personality of a fascinating woman: Saint Teresa of Jesus.

She lived between 1515 and 1582, entangled in her personal vicissitudes and events of
enormous importance for the spirituality of the sixteenth century. She founded 17 convents
and reformed many others, particularly in Castile and Andalusia.

We find in her body of work a singular text: The Book of Her Life, penned at the age of fifty
in spiritual and psychological plenitude. In its introduction, we find the words: “The life of
the Holy Mother Teresa of Jesus and some of the favours granted to her by God, written by
herself at the command of her confessor, to whom she submits and directs it.” This is an
exceptional document brimming with experiences, sometimes narrated with grace and
irony, and infused with a profound spirituality that is contagious to the reader.

The manuscript, like Teresa’s life, underwent its own via crucis, including the intrigues of
the Princess of Éboli, until Anne of Jesus directly requested the text from the Inquisitor
General. The book’s intended recipient was Fr. García de Toledo, O.P., one of her confessors,
whom the saint had met in 1562. When she sent him the manuscript, he responded, “Here I
give you my soul.” This book piqued the interest of the highest intellectual and political
circles of her time, from St. John of the Cross to Philip II.

In line with Virginia Woolf’s principle that to know whom to write for is to know how to
write, Teresa authored The Book of Her Life in order to account for her spiritual experiences
and provide guidance to the nuns. It’s not an autobiography in the strict sense of the word;
in fact, on the surface, it’s a didactic treatise for the practice of mental prayer. But the book
goes beyond this, blending biographical accounts with testimonies of her spiritual journey
without disregarding the sensory. The author crafts a style that almost resembles a modern
essay, where the narrator and the narrative converge in a sea of trust and confession,
revealing the epic of a true “spiritual warrior.”

“The life of Teresa, written by herself,” writes Azorín, “is the deepest, densest, and most
penetrating book that exists in European literature. Beside her, the most acute analysts of
the self, a Stendhal, a Benjamin Constant, are inexperienced children. And yet she has put
in this book only a little of her spirit, but everything in these pages, without forms of the
outside world, without color, without externalities, all pure, dense, concise, is of a tragic
drama, interest and anxiety.”

Graphology has enabled us to uncover aspects of her personality and character. For
Suzanne Bresard:

“St. Teresa’s writing, marked by expressive depth, [...] reflects a personality of

strong will and thought [...] her passionate and lyrical sensitivity is not
characterized by fragility or complacency before herself or others. [...] Feminine
in her nature but not in her force of expression, [...] there is in St. Teresa’s
sensibility, a source of conflict, fecundated by her actions, but generating
personal suffering. [...] In her spiritual purification, a detachment is evident,
along with an affirmation of the essential facets of her being.”

The extent to which inspiration, in its most intricate sense, influences the chosen form of
expression is a mystery, says D. Chicharro:

“To her, it is often God Himself who speaks through her words. Teresa is aware
that she will not be able to convey a certain thought without God’s assistance
in summoning the precise words, even guiding her pen,” “because I see clearly
that it is not I who say what I write; for neither do I plan it with the intellect nor
do I know afterward how I managed to say it. This often happens to me,” writes
the saint in one of the most quoted fragments in all the Teresian literature, as a
confirmation that the mystics are merely conduits.

Family Environment

“My father was fond of reading good books and had some in Spanish so that his children
might read them too. These books, together with the care which my mother took to make us
say our prayers and to lead us to be devoted to Our Lady and to certain saints, began to
awaken good desires in me when I was, I suppose, about six or seven years old.”

Teresa recounts a “secret” library her mother possessed, as well as the one owned by her
father’s brother, Don Pedro Sánchez de Cepeda, a “very prudent and virtuous” man who
owned many good devotional books. She felt particularly close to her father: “I was my
father’s favorite” and “So excessive was my father’s love for me, and so complete was the
deception which I practiced on him, that he could never believe all the ill of me that I
deserved, and thus I never fell into disgrace with him.” Reflecting on his death, she wrote,
“Yet so dearly did I love him that, when I saw his life was ending, I felt as if my very soul
were being torn from me.”
Woman of Action

“It wasn’t necessary for me to think anything but that God did it all. I saw there was no
reason for me to be startled but to praise Him. Indeed, the difficult things He does cause
more devotion in me; and the more difficult, the more devotion they cause.”

Víctor García de la Concha observed, “Since she was a child—that’s just the way she
is—Ahumadita hadn’t known how to do anything without fully applying herself.” Teresa’s
entrepreneurial and traveling spirit is especially remarkable, given that she was a cloistered
nun in a Spain where long journeys posed significant challenges. J. Pérez notes that the
locations for her convent foundations were often chosen in regions with better road
infrastructure, and some were conveniently near prosperous manufacturing cities.

Despite her delicate health—she didn’t feel fully healed until 1542, and between the ages
of twenty-five and twenty-seven endured significant physical hardships—her involvement
in these endeavors reflects her incredible determination. She wrote: “I want to explain
myself further, for I believe I’m getting mixed up in many things. The little time at my
disposal is little help to me [...] for I have my work to do in the community and many other
occupations. And I can’t help but leave a lot out, because otherwise I would be wasting
much more time [on my writing]—and I have so little, as I said—and perhaps would not put
down anything worthwhile.”

Key Moments in Teresa’s Life

1562

●​ January–June: Attends confession with Fr. Pedro Doménech, S.I.; meets Fr. García de
Toledo, O.P., the addressee and confessor of The Book of Her Life.
●​ June: Completes a version of The Book of Her Life and leaves Toledo for Ávila.
●​ August 24: Inaugurates the new St. Joseph’s convent.
●​ December: Receives permission to leave the Carmelite convent of the Incarnation
and moves to St. Joseph’s, changing her name to Teresa of Jesus.

1575

●​ January 2: Traces her route to Beas de Segura (province of Jaén), passing through
Medina, Ávila, and Toledo.
●​ February 1: Arrives in Beas and founds a convent on February 24.
●​ May 18: Leaves Beas by order of Father Gracián, heading to Seville.
 ●​ May 21: Arrives in Seville and founds a convent three days later.
●​ July 7: Domingo Báñez, O.P., approves The Book of Her Life.
●​ December: A novice accuses the Discalced Carmelites of Seville before the
Inquisition. This marks the beginning of legal challenges.

1582

●​ January 2: Leaves Ávila with Fr. Gracián, traveling to Burgos via Medina del Campo
and Valladolid.
●​ April 19: Purchases a house in Burgos for the foundation of a new convent.
●​ May 7: Gracián bids farewell to Teresa; they never meet again.
●​ July 2: Departs Burgos, stops in Piacenza, and arrives in Valladolid on August 25.
●​ October 1: Foretells her death.
●​ October 4: Passes away at 9 p.m. in Alba de Tormes.

Social Relations

Teresa moved among the most significant hubs of religious fervor in her time. A crucial
aspect of her personal development and social connections was her daily contact with
scholars, humanists, confessors, and others, from whom she continued to learn. In The
Book of Her Life, her references to these individuals play a fundamental role. Márquez
Villanueva has reconstructed Saint Teresa’s social affiliations, noting that she naturally
gravitated towards the bourgeois milieu of professionals, bureaucrats, small ecclesiastics,
and provincial noblemen. These groups formed part of the most densely converted stratum
of Spanish society.

Teresa exhibited a certain rebelliousness against the social norms of her time, and when
forced to conform, she often infused her approach with a gentle touch of irony. W. T. Walsh
recounts that the Princess of Éboli was “scandalized by the discovery of such a worldly and
commercial spirit in one of whom she had expected nothing less than miracles.”

Studies by Narciso Alonso Cortés, Homero Seris, Américo Castro, and others reveal Teresa’s
converted background. Her grandfather, Juan Sánchez de Toledo, was prosecuted by the
Inquisition in 1485. Dámaso Chicharro emphasizes that while this origin is an indisputable
fact, its implications are profound. In Teresa’s Spain, being accused of Jewish
ancestry—even generations removed—was a grave disgrace. As a result, she bore the
social stigma of being seen as an “impure Christian.”

Américo Castro highlights how Teresa used her intelligence and tenacity to fight against
public judgment. She was acutely aware of her social status, carefully navigating between
her desire for acceptance and fear of rejection. Teresa seems to have compensated for the
humiliations she endured by embracing spiritual privileges, viewing her union with God as a
triumph over societal prejudice. She considered herself to have received a "spiritual
lineage," though in The Book of the Foundations, she remarks, “I have always valued virtue
more than lineage.”

Teresa was keenly conscious of social hierarchy. In her interactions, she welcomed
aristocrats who had earned her trust and influence but found businessmen more relatable
than the convoluted manners and unfounded prejudices of the nobility. J. Pérez notes that
these capitalists often became patrons, investing not only in business but also in spiritual
matters. For Teresa, the hierarchy was clear: in spiritual matters, she relied solely on God
and wise confessors, while for influence, she turned to powerful figures, including the King
himself. She often referred to Philip II as “my friend the King” and asked her nuns to pray for
him.

In 1577, Teresa wrote to Philip II, pleading for his intervention after the imprisonment of
discalced friars:

"A discalced friar, he is so great a servant of our Lord that the nuns are truly
edified [...] and so they consider him a saint, and in my opinion, he is one and
has been one all his life. [...] The whole city is truly scandalized. [...] I feel very
sad to see these confessors in the hands of those friars. [...] I would consider
the confessors better off if they were held by the Moors, who perhaps would
show more compassion [...] I fear for his life. I beg Your Majesty, for the love of
our Lord, to issue orders for them to set him free at once."

Teresa’s progressive views on women’s roles also hint at an early form of feminism, limited
by the constraints of her era. She insisted on women’s participation in spiritual matters and
celebrated their distinctive sensitivity as a strength. She observed, “There are many more
women than men to whom the Lord grants these favors [...] women make much more
progress along this path than men do.” She specifically prohibited illiterate women from
entering the Carmelite Order, instead seeking vocations from educated, bourgeois New
Christians.

Despite her deliberate effort to appear humble, Teresa was a brilliant woman who sought
intellectual prestige. She reformed Carmel against immense odds, overcoming obstacles
posed by what she called “false scholars.” She believed that a spiritual director should
possess good understanding, experience, and knowledge:

“It is very important that the master have prudence—I mean that he have good
judgment—and experience; if besides these he has learning, so much the
better.”
Her relationships with spiritual mentors were not equal; she admired those with knowledge
and valued wisdom highly. She once remarked, “My opinion has always been and always
will be that every Christian should endeavor to consult some learned person, if he can; and
the greater his learning, the better.” However, she despised those who posed as spiritual
counselors without ethical principles or proper training, often passing over dozens of
confessors:

“The beginner requires advice, so that he may see where his greatest benefit
lies. To this end, a director is most necessary. But he must be an experienced
man, or he will make many mistakes and may guide a soul without
understanding its ways or allowing it to understand itself.”

From the earliest chapters of Life, Teresa notes the differences between educated and
uneducated confessors: “I have always been attracted by learning, though half-educated
confessors have done my soul great harm [...] A really learned man has never led me
astray.” She resented false authority and allowed herself to be ironic, stating, “Although He
is the Lord, I can speak to Him as to a friend, because He is not, as I believe, like those
whom we call lords on earth, whose entire lordship is conferred on them by others.”

Teresa valued intellectual engagement, particularly with members of the Society of Jesus,
where she found mentors and friends: “His Majesty brought here another very spiritual one
who had great courage and understanding and a good background in studies, and at a time
when I was in dire need.” She also held a special regard for Friar Peter of Alcántara, who
championed the reform of the Order and guided her during the establishment of her first
foundation: “He had a very nice understanding.”

At Christmas of 1560, a confessor refused to grant her absolution unless she abandoned
the Reform. This situation undoubtedly heightened her inclination toward distrust: “This
greatly helped me not to put much trust in anybody, since no one can be relied on except
God.”

Teresa continued searching for someone she could trust and learn from. She wrote: “If I
heard anyone preach earnestly and well, I felt a particular affection for him rise in me
unbidden; I do not know how this came about.” She added, “When I do this I cannot come
to any harm, but must reap great benefits, as the Lord has often told me. What I am saying
is that I reveal my whole soul to a confessor, and describe to him the favours which the
Lord grants me. I choose a man of learning and obey him; I confess frequently, and never
give it up.”

However, this trust often came with complications: “This fault of mine has troubled me in
my relations with some of my confessors. I always feel a great affection for those who
direct my soul. I think of them as so truly taking the place of God that my mind is largely
taken up with them. I have always felt perfectly safe, however, and have therefore always
behaved warmly towards them.”

Although she could be overly self-critical—“this miserable creature, so lacking in humility

and so presumptuous as to have dared to resolve to write upon subjects so
sublime”—Teresa transformed obedience into a source of inspiration. Obedience became
the structural axis of The Book of the Foundations:

“Besides what I have read in many places, I have seen by experience the great
blessing which it is for a soul to continue in the practice of obedience. In this, I
believe, lies the secret of continually making progress in virtue and covering the
progress with humility: in this lies our security from the doubt. [...] In this is to
be found that peace so highly prized by souls who desire to please God.”

She emphasized humility as the foundation of prayer: “This whole groundwork of prayer is
based on humility and that the more a soul lowers itself in prayer, the more God raises it
up.”

The cultivation of authenticity, even at the risk of her life, proved to be a powerful catalyst
for her spiritual growth: “I gave him a summary account of my life and manner of
proceeding in prayer as clearly as I knew how. I always tried to speak with complete clarity
and truthfulness to those with whom I conversed about my soul.”

In The Book of Her Life, Teresa reveals her fears, longings, deceptions, distrust, doubts,
perfectionist tendencies, and vanity, which she openly acknowledges and reflects upon. She
harnessed these traits and learned to transcend them: “Since I thus began to go from
pastime to pastime, from vanity to vanity, from one occasion to another.”

Her writings are filled with dissatisfaction, self-doubt, and uncertainty:

●​ “I don’t know if this comparison is holding together.”

●​ “Perhaps I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
●​ “I don’t know how it’s all going to end up.”
●​ “All the favors the Lord had granted me were forgotten. There only remained the
memory so as to cause pain; they were like a dream. For the intellect became so
stupefied that it made me walk in the midst of a thousand doubts and suspicions
making it seem that I had not understood.”
●​ “For until the present moment, when I see the fulfillment of everything the Lord told
me in regard to this house, I never succeeded in definitely believing that what the
Lord told me would come about; but neither could I doubt that it would. It happened
that often on the one hand the fulfillment seemed impossible to me, while on the
other hand I couldn’t doubt it—I mean believe it would not come about.”
Despite being a powerful woman capable of extraordinary accomplishments, she often
spoke of her fears:

●​ “I was extremely fearful, as I said.”

●​ “This vision caused me great fear; any supernatural favor the Lord grants me
frightens me at first, when it is new.”
●​ “I feared that I would have no one who would hear my confession, but that all
would run from me. I did nothing but weep.”

Teresa also acknowledged her vanity and desire to please others: “Of the natural attractive
qualities the Lord had bestowed on me (which others said were many).” She confessed: “I
began to dress in finery and to desire to please and look pretty, taking great care of my
hands and hair and about perfumes and all the empty things in which one can indulge, and
which were many, for I was very vain.” She added, “For the Lord gave me the grace to be
pleasing wherever I went, and so I was much loved.”

Her self-awareness extended to her weaknesses in social situations:

●​ “I pretended to like books I did not enjoy to please others.”

●​ “For in this matter of pleasing others I went to extremes, even when it was a burden
to me [...] for I very often acted without discretion.”

She did not shy away from expressing her anger either: “For the devil gives a spirit of anger
so displeasing that it seems as if I want to eat everyone up, without being able to help it.”
Despite her flaws, Teresa was remarkably careful about concealing her shortcomings:

“Among my faults I had this one: Because of pure negligence and involvement
in other vanities, I knew little about the Office in choir and what had to be done
there; but I saw other novices who could teach me. It occurred to me not to ask
them so that they wouldn’t find out that I knew so little.”

Throughout her writings, a lighthearted and spontaneous tone emerges, offering glimpses
of her personality:

●​ “Tear up what I have just said, if your Reverence thinks you should, as though it
were a private letter to you, and pardon me for I have been very bold.”
●​ “That this vision from God could be the work of the imagination is the most
impossible of impossible things.”
Cinematic Examples​
“Being Julia”

Original title: Being Julia (2004, 105 minutes)

Based on the play Theatre by William Somerset Maugham​

Directed by István Szabó, with screenplay by Ronald Harwood​
Character: Julia Lambert, played by Annette Bening​
Social E3, with Sexual as a second subtype

According to the director, the movie is about masks. Society encourages us to play roles, not
only in our professional careers but also in our private lives. The film follows Julia, an
actress (a profession that already embodies the art of wearing masks), as she “educates”
herself on her journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

The Starting Point

Julia is an energetic, charismatic, cheerful (she smiles frequently), attractive, diva-like

theater star with great talent as an actress. However, she feels disenchanted with her job
and is going through a midlife crisis. Life and the theater no longer satisfy her, and she
begins to realize that her advancing age will limit her to less interesting roles. She is aware
that her fame will eventually fade.

In her first conversation with her husband, after an outburst of anger, Julia admits, “I’m tired.
More than that: I am utterly exhausted. [...] I’m near to breaking point. Everything’s so
tedious. I want something to happen.”

She dramatizes in front of him to convince him to cancel the play she has grown tired of
performing: “I’m exhausted. [...] I feel twice my age, which makes me 90. I’m bored. Life has
nothing in store for me. [...] I’m near to having a breakdown. I feel as though my life’s come
to an end.” At this point in her life, there is a distinct sense of an existential void.

A New Breakthrough

Julia embarks on a love affair with a young man half her age. Initially, she is radiant,
rejuvenated, and excited. Everything comes as a shock to her. She tells her friend Charles,
“She’s fallen in love with the boy. And it happens just when everything seemed to her so
dull and unpromising, as if her life was over. She finds the affair exhilarating, and everyone
keeps telling her she looks ten years younger.”
Development

However, Julia loses control. Her defenses and composure break down, and she is
humiliated by her lover, her son (who denounces the falsity of her entire existence), and her
husband (who is also having an affair with Avice, Tom’s young actress hookup, and predicts
that she will be “the new Julia Lambert”).

The Unraveling

Having hit rock bottom, Julia regains her self-control and makes everyone dance to her
tune. She starts by “fucking” Tom, objectifying him as a parting shot. Through an ultimate
act of revenge, combining cunning and inspired improvisation on stage, she rises from the
ashes. She reclaims her husband, her friend, and her son’s respect, restoring her dignity,
while publicly disgracing the young duo of social climbers, Avice and Tom. This act of
self-affirmation, laden with insult and raw talent, allows Julia to not only find herself anew
but also confirm her position as “the greatest actress in England.”

The Mask and the Interplay Between Fiction and Reality

“To seem to be real: that’s the art of acting.” (Jimmie Langton to Julia Lambert)

The mask is a fictitious identity presented to the world. Interpreting a character means
bringing that mask to life. The more convincing the fabrication, the more compelling the
performance; the better the actor, the more they’re able to identify with the mask.

From a cinematic perspective, the interweaving of fiction and reality operates on several
levels. One of the most elementary is that of literal masks, symbolized when Julia, in a
moment of vulnerability, cries out from jealousy and heartbreak, then immediately covers
her face with makeup. This act mirrors the putting on of a social mask. Julia goes from
sincere moments (usually without makeup) to those of concealment and pretense (usually
with makeup), bringing out her charm, talent, and intelligence.

Another layer of this interplay between fiction and reality operates on a psychological level,
embodied by Julia’s late acting teacher, Jimmie Langton (portrayed by Michael Gambon).
Though dead for fifteen years, he is still alive in Julia’s consciousness (“We’d be nothing
without Jimmie,” she says at the beginning of the film) and, interestingly, shares the same
initials as Julia Lambert (J.L.). He represents her alter ego, or the Jungian archetype of the
“wise old man.”

Langton appears like a very real ghost at key moments in Julia’s life, usually when she’s
more in touch with her feelings. The beginning and the final act are punctuated by the
interventions of this teacher-consciousness, and they’re nearly identical, addressing the
illusion of life and the authenticity of the theater. “Remember this: when you’re on the stage
acting, theater is the only reality. Everything else, the world outside, what civilians call the
real world, is nothing but fantasy. And I bloody well won’t let you forget it.”

Langton also symbolizes Julia’s ability to see herself from an outside perspective. He
critiques her life, commenting on her performance, whether she has overacted, underacted,
lacked credibility, and so on. Langton becomes the internalized gaze of others in Julia’s
consciousness—a constant reminder that she’s performing.

Julia and the Play Within the Play

When Julia meets her platonic friend, Lord Charles, at a museum—significantly, in front of a
portrait by Tamara Lempicka, a painter famous for her decadent sophistication—she speaks
about her relationship with her young lover indirectly. Instead of talking openly, she
mentions a role she’s been offered, in which she would play a woman who falls in love with
a much younger man. Charles, of course, understands that Julia is speaking about herself,
but neither of them breaks the illusion. He advises her against accepting the role, warning
that it’s a sham, and saying that he’d tell the woman to end the relationship, or it will all
end in tears.

Julia doesn’t give in to his pretense and persists, even though she knows she’s been
exposed: “But, Charles, she can’t do that. Because she’s fallen in love with him. That’s why.
She’s helpless... the character in the play.”

There’s a play that Julia performs on three separate occasions, which alludes to her own
life. In one scene, she says goodbye to her beloved: “No one will ever know how much I
loved him. He was my earth, my moon, all the stars in the firmament. Farewell, my love,”
she declaims as a final line before the curtain falls. This same scene is repeated, but acted
in different ways, reflecting the real Julia’s mood in how she brings the character to life on
stage.

The first time Julia recites the tragic monologue in a café, it seems believable. (Julia is
wearing full makeup.) However, when she repeats the monologue almost word-for-word,
but this time dressed in a robe and without makeup, trying to hold onto her lover Tom, it
creates an impression of insincerity and pathos. This enhances the dramatic impact of her
words: “I don’t want to lose you. I have few friends. Real friends. And you’re the only person
in my life with whom I can be entirely myself. Let’s go on seeing each other. Please.”

Another leitmotif, which almost appears twice in the film, is the script of the final play Julia
is set to perform, Nowadays. The play tacitly alludes to the figure of her lover, Tom Fennell:
“We should have seen through him. Then it would never have happened. But nowadays
we’re only interested in appearances. And he did have the most beautiful appearance.” Julia
has difficulty memorizing it: “But you’ve given me a monstrous speech at the end of the
play. I hope I can learn it,” even though it actually contains an important thematic key to her
life and, therefore, to the film.

Although in her real life Julia pretends, in the closing theater scene, which serves as the
film’s dramatic climax, she deviates from the script and improvises, finally expressing
herself and her emotions openly. As her teacher used to say, she is being fictitious in reality
and real in fiction.

After her triumphant improvised performance, in which she boldly asserts herself, Julia
breaks free from societal expectations. She chooses to skip the after-party and dine alone
at a restaurant. “I want to dine alone tonight. Quite alone,” she declares, ordering a beer.
The final scene of the movie is underscored by the lyrics of the song playing in the
background, Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, and the expressions of the protagonist, featured in
the foreground:

They asked me how I knew my true love was true... All who love are blind... Yet, today, my
love has flown away. I am without my love. [Julia takes a few sips of the beer.] Now,
laughing friends deride... [Julia laughs] tears I cannot hide... [her eyes water] so I smile...
[already, the smile is faint] and say: When a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes.
[With a distant look and a serious expression, Julia sighs.]

Even the extras in the film pretend. When the mother and the aunt receive a telegram for
Julia from the mail carrier, they are shocked, fearing it’s bad news. The aunt tells the
mother, “Just say, ‘Here’s a telegram,’ as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.”

The Role of the Mirror

In portraying Julia’s psychology and actions, the mirror has at least three symbolic
functions: it’s the internalized gaze of others, a surface for the superficial display and
falsification of her true feelings, and a means of coming into contact with herself, enabling
self-recognition.
Throughout the film, Julia frequently appears either in front of an audience, performing, or
looking at herself in the mirror. Before the mirror, she often acts, though not in an
exaggerated theatrical manner (as she does in her job). Instead, she gives a natural, almost
life-like performance. Julia speaks to the mirror as if it were a generic “other,” and the mirror
reflects back the image she presents to the world; it’s a kind of “private audience.” In a
continuous loop, Julia examines herself, fine-tunes her image, directs it to the mirror, and
the mirror reflects it back to her. By the time she steps out into the world, her mask is fully
studied.

She also turns to the mirror when she feels like she’s losing control. In the presence of this
familiar ally, she pulls herself together and regains control over the situation. For example,
shortly after being kissed in bed by her young lover, Julia sits up, covers her mouth, goes to
the mirror, and exclaims, “Oh... Look at my hair... And I thought you were such a shy young
man.” Then, she hastily leaves Tom’s apartment.

This scene foreshadows another one later on. Julia has already gone to see Avice Crichton,
the young aspiring actress, and is plotting her revenge after making Tom (scared and under
her control) confess that he is in love with Avice. Stirred by pain and anger, she stands up,
distancing herself from Tom, and heads toward a large mirror. In an unconscious
reinforcement of her act, instead of speaking face to face with Tom, she positions herself
with her back to him, in front of the mirror, speaking partly to Tom’s reflection and partly to
her own image:

“I’ve liked going to bed with you. And it pleases me to think that you liked going to bed with
me.” [laughs] “But let’s face it, I’ve never been in love with you. And you— you’ve never
been in love with me.” [chuckles] “We both knew it couldn’t last. You’re in love with that
girl, aren’t you? You might as well admit it.”

Tom nods. Julia lets out a sob, her face contorted, her back still turned to him. Then, she
quickly composes herself. She spins around to look at Tom, and with a small smile, says,
“Go now. Please.” Alone, she sighs, stops the tears that were about to flow, and looks at
herself again in the mirror, with an expression of deep and intimate sadness.

The mirror also acts as a kind of diary on which Julia projects her thoughts. In the first
instance, Julia has fallen in love. She laughs, gazes at her reflection flirtatiously, and says to
herself:

“Damn it all, Miss Lambert, you don’t look so bad. You can go on playing 25-year-olds,
30-year-olds for a good long time. And then what? Whoo! Mothers, grandmothers, and old
maids.” [snorts] “Bugger playwrights. Can’t write for women. They’re all men, that’s the
trouble.”
In another scene later in the movie, Julia, having just successfully reconciled with Tom,
stands in her dressing room, preening herself in the mirror (essentially putting her mask
back on) and laughing. Looking at herself (it’s unclear if she’s speaking to herself or rather
to Evie, her assistant), she says, “I can’t help feeling... I wish I didn’t, but deep down, I can’t
help feeling... a certain contempt for that boy. He’s so transparent.” (In contrast, she is more
indirect and manipulative.)

It’s interesting to note that to come into deepest contact with herself, she doesn’t need the
mirror. This suggests that the mirror merely reflects superficial aspects of her being, while
her most profound intuitions and feelings emerge when she connects with her heart and
instincts, without being able to see and, therefore, control herself.

These apprehensions are usually represented by the voice of her conscience, her master
Jimmie Langton. A disheartened and humiliated Julia sets about plotting her revenge after
her breakup with Tom, and Jimmie appears to her, encouraging her with the words, “You
can’t just stand there like a spare prick at a wedding. For Christ’s sake, Julia, assert
yourself—it’s you that matters. You. Only you. All’s fair in love and theater, ducky.”

However, in the final scene, after Jimmy’s last appearance, Julia dismisses his ideas, saying,
“Rubbish!” and reconciles with reality and herself, at last indulging in the beer she had
denied herself for so long. In solitude, without needing the gaze of others (friends, lovers,
servants, or family), without anyone to reflect her image back at her, she connects with her
desires and with herself. (In this scene, not only are there no mirrors or an audience, and her
split consciousness is gone, but there is also a lack of color—Julia is dressed entirely in
black.)

A Sense of Lack

If Julia is not “brilliant” and does not play a role, what is left of her? A void, as her son tells
her with resounding cruelty: “I don’t think you really exist.” It’s as if Julia doesn’t know who
she is, and covers it up by doing (in her case, acting). Throughout the film, when she follows
her desire for revenge and indulges in her culinary cravings (such as cake and beer), she
becomes more in touch with her true self. She feels more in control, without relying on
others (whether a lover or an audience) to fulfill her needs.

Passion (Distorted Emotion)

There are three primary passions that drive Julia’s actions: first, vanity (as E3); second,
prestige (as a Social E3), manifesting in her goal to be an acclaimed actress; and third,
attractiveness (since her second E3 subtype is sexual), in her quest to maintain her allure as
a male-attracting female.

Julia must dazzle in order to see herself in the admiration she arouses in others. Proof that
talent is more important to her than beauty is evident in the conversation she has with her
maid in her room. Julia, her face free of makeup, asks if she is attractive, to which Evie
replies, “You’re no beauty, you know that.” Julia then responds, “The best actresses never
are.”

Fixation (Distorted Obsession)

The fixation is deception (falsehood, self-deception), as a cognitive reinforcement of vanity.

The idea is that one cannot truly be themselves, and therefore must act (in both the sense
of “doing” and “performing”). For Julia, as an actress, it’s enough to appear as something
rather than to truly be it. As her inner teacher tells her, “You’re still going over the top.
You’ve got to learn restraint [...] so that it seems real. Seems to be real, that’s the art of
acting.” She also possesses a multitude of masks suitable for each context. It’s the
chameleon-like attitude her son criticizes: “You have a performance for everyone! For the
servants, for daddy, for me, for everybody.”

Neurotic Need

Her first neurotic need is to “shine”—to be admired for her talent. The second is to be
attractive. In reality, both of these aspects converge in acting, in embodying masks that
elicit admiration. “Jumped-up little tart, that’s what she is. Never stops acting, on-stage or
off,” a childhood neighbor, who recognizes Julia in a restaurant, says of her. Even her
secretly smitten business associate, Dolly, reproaches her: “You mean that or are you
acting? I never know when you’re acting…” Julia turns her focus too much to the outside,
seeking the real or imagined gaze of others (if she’s admired by others, she’s worth
something) and forgets to connect with herself in private or to fulfill her own needs.

Interpersonal Strategies

She presents a favorable image (well-groomed, stylishly dressed, with a face full of
makeup) and exudes charm. She competes with other women who enter her territory to
play with her toys (for example, the aspiring star Avice Crichton). This competition isn’t
openly declared but is carried out through indirect manipulation, without ever losing her
composure or good public image.

Around devoted male and female admirers of her facade, who don’t know the real Julia
(and, by extension, what lies beneath the mask), she uses her usual persona of a renowned
actress—seductive and charming, elevated to a pedestal. She even manages to seduce
Michael’s financial backer, Dolly, by offering her the chance to swim naked in her pool if she
agrees to cancel the play.

With the people who genuinely love her (her husband, her son, and her friend Lord
Charles—who will later reveal himself to be gay, so around him, she won’t need the mask
of seduction), she occasionally pretends, but she can reveal some of her vulnerabilities.
Eventually, she realizes that, despite the pretenses, they love and protect her even more.

With her lifelong companion, maid, and longtime assistant, Evie, there’s maximum intimacy.
Julia can afford to be her authentic self and use harsh, vulgar language. Against those who
have wronged her, she enacts a grand artistic revenge, all for the glory of her stage
persona.

Emotionality

Julia is very extroverted and cheerful, always appearing to be conveying her feelings…
though in reality, she is almost always acting. “If I truly felt all the emotions I was
representing, I’d be a wreck!”

This doesn’t mean she doesn’t experience emotions or doesn’t show them; rather, what she
exhibits is often what’s socially appropriate or convenient, not necessarily a direct reflection
of her inner emotional state. She can outwardly manifest one emotion to cover up another
she’d rather not reveal. As a result, she can laugh or cry with either authenticity or
insincerity.

She maintains a broad, sociable smile and is capable of laughing while saying things that
are painful to her or hurtful to others. As for crying, “we all know you can turn your tears on
and off like a tap,” her ghostly mentor tells her. Her maid, Evie, adds: “I wish you’d teach me
to cry real tears... The times I’ve needed them! [...] I’ve always said you’re lucky you can cry
without your eyelids swelling.”

Beneath this outwardly expressive demeanor lies emotional restraint (necessary, above all,
to avoid appearing weak or vulnerable in public), which can also, on fewer occasions, take
the form of inexpressiveness (such as when her husband casually mentions her lover, and
she responds with indifference, engrossed in reading a newspaper, as though the matter
doesn’t concern her).

The ultimate consequence of deceit is emotional disconnection, but that would be more
characteristic of other subtypes or different examples than Julia’s. Julia feels a lot; she
almost always shows emotions. The question, in any case, is whether they are genuine. She
can express her anger only around those with whom she’s very intimate (in at least two
scenes, she raises her voice or slaps her husband, who responds to these outbursts calmly,
without getting upset).

Love

Although Julia and her husband, Michael, may appear to have a picture-perfect marriage on
the outside, they have not had marital sex for some time. Despite this, their relationship is
characterized by genuine affection, making them more like accomplices or friends than
husband and wife. They do not confess their affairs to each other, instead maintaining
appearances. As a result, their marriage is built on falsehoods, even though their affection is
real.

During a meeting in a café with her friend Lord Charles, who suggests they stop seeing
each other to avoid gossip, Julia justifies herself: “Michael and I lead separate lives. That’s
why we’re so happily married… more or less.” In turn, Michael explains to Dolly: “We’re very
devoted, united, but not... How shall I put it? Not possessive. We’re a very modern couple.”

As for her lover, Tom, it's curious how, during their first meeting, Julia seemingly ignores
and even appears to disdain him (evident from her eloquent expressions of weariness in the
elevator). It’s the young man’s unrelenting enthusiasm, and the fact that he doesn’t turn out
to be an annoying, obsessed fan, that ultimately wins her over. By falling in love with Tom
Fennell, Julia seeks to recapture her youth, intensity, and the illusion of truly living life and
feeling idolized (in addition to the physical pleasure it brings).

She allows herself to be led by her instincts, prioritizing them over her reputation and
self-control. The ghost of her master notes that she lets herself be treated like a “tart,” to
which she agrees. This loss of control turns her into a plaything in the hands of her lover,
who shamelessly takes advantage of her. Julia suffers from unrequited love, humiliation
(she accepts Tom’s blaming reproaches: “I should never have accepted anything from you”),
and jealousy (due to Tom’s relationship with the young actress, Avice).

However, Julia also learns that those who truly know her—and for whom sexual intimacy
isn’t a requirement for expressing affection (her frivolous husband, her homosexual friend,
her son, and her maid)—are the ones who really love, support, and care for her. Therefore,
for Julia, true love doesn’t necessarily depend on sex.

This is illustrated when her husband, Michael, tells Dolly that since Julia gave birth to their
son, she has lost interest in sex and “all those instincts went into her acting.” Later, when
her affair with Tom ends, the protagonist redirects her sexual energy entirely into her
expression on stage. At the culmination of her brilliant theatrical improvisation
(paraphrasing Jimmie Langton’s maxim of “all’s fair in love and theater”), Julia exclaims:
“All’s fair in war and... war and... ph, hell, the word escapes me,” replacing “love” (in
Jimmie’s phrase) with “war” (in hers).

Shadow

While Julia outwardly appears bright and charming, her shadow is foul-mouthed,
perfidious, and evil. If she is to succeed, someone must suffer defeat. The protagonist is
aware of her dark side and even takes pride in it (and no wonder, because it will bring her
her greatest stage triumph). When Julia’s revenge is exacted, her husband bursts into her
dressing room, calling her a “wonderful, glorious monster,” and lifts her in an enthusiastic,
whirling embrace. In response, Julia exclaims with fervor, “That’s why you love me!” and
Michael passionately agrees, “Yes!” kissing her chastely.

Virtue

Authenticity involves embracing and openly expressing one’s genuine emotions. Julia is
capable of this when she is with her husband or her maid, or when she simply gets carried
away by her feelings and can’t control herself, as it sometimes happens in front of Tom.

Authenticity requires contact with one’s inner impulses and the ability to distinguish them
from external expectations. It also requires assertiveness once that contact has been
made—expressing desires and opinions in the outside world and acting accordingly. For
example, toward the end of the film, despite everyone’s expectations for her to attend the
afterparty, Julia decides to have dinner alone and enjoy a beer—something she previously
denied herself.

As an actress, Julia comes close to perceiving herself as an observer, not entirely identifying
with the characters but rather watching herself. She consistently watches herself, even
during the most emotional moments, sometimes assuming the role of her acting teacher
who critiques her real-life experiences as if they were theatrical performances. The acting
profession demands the skill of engaging with emotions, conveying them, all while
maintaining a certain detachment to ensure the sincerity of their expression.

Contrast with Other Subtypes

Let’s now compare Julia’s way of navigating the world with that of her husband. Michael
Gosselyn is a Sexual E3. A retired actor of little talent, he now works as a producer for the
plays in which his wife acts. In reality, he focuses on being one of the most attractive men in
England, taking care of himself, and enjoying life’s pleasures, with little professional
ambition.

On the other hand, Julia, as a Social E3, is above all talented, brilliant, dynamic, active,
ambitious, and manipulative. Unlike her husband, it’s not enough for her to just be
attractive; she must constantly be “performing,” acting, and maintaining control over the
situation.

In the absence of an Conservation E3 character in the film to compare her to, suffice it to say
that Julia needs an audience for her actions, which is exactly why she’s an actress (her
existence revolves around performing in front of others). If she were an Conservation E3
subtype, she would only need to feel that she excels in what she does, put meticulous
effort into any task, even if it were private and trivial, and wouldn’t have to be as charming,
magnetic, and constantly smiling.

"All About Eve"​

By Juan José Herrera

Eve Harrington (Anne Baxter) in the movie All About Eve, directed by Joseph L. Mankiewicz
(1950)

Original title: All About Eve (1950)​

Screenplay and direction: Joseph L. Mankiewicz​
Character: Eve Harrington, a twenty-four-year-old who wins an important theater award,
played by Anne Baxter.​
Social E3, with Self-Preservation as a second subtype.

Other Characters:

●​ Margo Channing: Accomplished stage actress, Broadway star. Played by Bette

Davis.​
 “Margo is a great star. A true star. She never was or will be anything less…”​

●​ Lloyd Richards: Famous Broadway playwright. Played by Hugh Marlowe.​

“Always on the lookout for the ideal actress for his characters.”​

●​ Karen Lloyd: Lloyd’s wife, homemaker, and Margo Channing’s confidante. Played by
Celeste Holm.​
“The lowest form of celebrity.”​

●​ Bill Sampson: Famous Broadway director en route to Hollywood, Margo’s boyfriend

who’s deeply in love with her. Played by Gary Merrill.​
“Wherever there’s magic and make-believe and an audience, there’s theater. It’s just
that there’s so much bushwa in this ivory greenroom they call the theatuh,
sometimes it gets up around my chin…”​

●​ Addison DeWitt: Sharp theater critic. Played by George Sanders.​

“I have lived in the theater as a Trappist monk lives in his faith.”​

●​ Max Fabian: Theatrical producer who emigrated from Europe in search of fortune.
Played by Gregory Ratoff.​
“One to whom each production means potential ruin or fortune.”​

●​ Miss Casswell: An attractive aspiring actress with the same ambition as Eve, but a
different strategy. Played by Marilyn Monroe.​
“Your next move, it seems to me, should be towards television.”​

●​ Birdie Coonan: Margo Channing’s maid who was also an actress years ago. Played
by Thelma Ritter.​
“A fifth-rate vaudevillian.”​

Not just Eve’s character, but the entire film and her fellow co-stars, are steeped in the Social
E3 trait. Set in the theater, the film revolves around the concealed dramas behind the
passing of the torch among seasoned actresses and the rise of new talents brimming with
ambition. The theatrical “marvels” are surrounded by those who, in less visible roles, move
the gears of the stage: producers, critics, directors, and playwrights, along with their
respective partners, servants, friends, and assistants. Many of them are afflicted, to varying
degrees, with the passions cataloged by the Enneagram in the realm of vanity
(hysterical-histrionic): E3, E4, and E2.
In this swarm of characters, the Social E3—embodied primarily, though not exclusively, by
Eve—experiences a neurotic craving for public recognition. They aim to monopolize the
external gaze to which, internally, they also subject themselves. What better metaphor
than the theater to speak of the Social E3? In both, a fictional character—a reflection of
reality—stands between the person and the audience. The actress at the peak of fame
wants to be seen as a woman, as a human being (a dimension she abandoned at some
point), but the novice yearns for the opposite. The confusion between the actual person and
the character, between reality and the narrative, and the difficulty of reclaiming the former,
are fundamental characteristics of the Social E3.

But the film isn’t solely centered on the envy and aging insecurities of an established
actress resisting maturity, nor Eve’s ungrateful ascent as an ambitious young woman “on
the rise.” Numerous allusions (delivered with such quick and sharp wit that they’re difficult
to catch) make it clear from the very first scene that the film is about something more. It
explores with acid irony a pivotal episode in the history of performing arts: the advent of
the “seventh art” (cinema) and the subsequent decline of the theater. The theater,
destabilized, grappled with guiding its artists toward the cameras, embracing the new ideal
dream of the masses: becoming a dazzling “star.”

In the United States, a powerful industry was built for the most consumed art in human
history: Hollywood. Thanks to this, Joseph L. Mankiewicz was able to produce this splendid
film, which mercilessly yet subtly laughs at the “American” vulgarity of Hollywood, while
simultaneously elevating cinema to excellence through the very same work.

In an interview, the director shares his fondness for witty tragicomedy and biting character
study, featuring sardonic humor delivered with finesse. The film stars the emerging type of
independent woman in America, whose profile corresponds to the Social E3.

Lacking outdoor settings, with the action confined to parlors and stages, the film draws
inspiration from the theater as the “mother” of all performing arts. Everything seems to
foreshadow what the “fruit” or the “daughter” of the theater will be. The fact that her name
is Eve hints that even in those years—and since the days in Paradise—such a character was
considered feminine.

Tragicomedy demands loquacity and verbal wit, traits the Social E3 possesses and shares
with the Social E4 and E2. However, it’s the Social E3 that embodies the “inhuman”
coldness and sly astuteness of a “white-collar” gangster. Much like those characters who
never appear but feel omnipresent, Hollywood serves as the subtext, suggesting that a
woman with determination can aspire to something more lucrative and stellar than
Broadway. Anything goes to get to Hollywood; anything goes to remain on the industry’s
Olympus.
Eve’s thoughts gradually absorb statements of principles (or lack thereof) echoing distinctly
American motifs: “Let nothing stop you on your way,” “success is within the reach of those
who fight for it,” “don’t shrink back,” “get what you want.” These are forms of boundless
encouragement characteristic of societies that get rich very quickly. Today, wealth and its
stellar manifestation—success and fame (prestige)—justify morally dubious methods.
Indeed, Eve achieves complete success, and only someone as ruthless as her, with a
promising future, can set limits for her.

The film subtly captures nuances in role models and scales of values. They’re discreet, if
not imperceptible to the viewer, especially at the beginning when Eve’s ambition is taking
shape.

Eve absorbs vast amounts of information with an almost childlike eagerness. Right from the
start, when she’s in the alley, she doesn’t ask Karen about her admired heroine, Margo
Channing, but (take note of this) about what her boyfriend, Bill Sampson, is like. To fulfill
the instinctively “self-generated” ambition in the mind of a Social E3, Eve possesses that
typical hypersensitivity to external factors—forms, conventions, manners, and other social
codes. She has the ability to instantly discern and appraise the value of the appearance
market. The image is thus automatically converted first into “reality,” and then into a
commodity.

In order to depict this character, already portrayed by Hollywood as feminine, Mankiewicz

shifts the action to the quintessential backdrop of vanity hierarchies: the stage, with all its
stardom. By definition, it is the actor’s “fraud” or “technical deception” in representation that
produces the audience’s delight, which, in turn, consecrates the actor with recognition.

Eve embodies the prototype of a heroine who doesn’t suffer but only “achieves”: an active,
resilient, alert, discreet, and efficient person who accomplishes what she sets out to
do—the kind of independent and unprejudiced woman that post-war capitalism, amidst the
formation of the American way of life, with its “Do it your way; get a life” ethos, desperately
needs.

The film industry mirrors the New Frontier through the dreams of movies and the star
system. Careers of actors and actresses, like Eve or Margo, are likened to industrialists such
as Rockefeller or Dale Carnegie, who came “out of nowhere”—a favorite expression of the
E3 to convey their worth without having to talk about their cumbersome origins. Because,
for a Social E3, what they possess is “natural,” a unique and indisputable gift, and there’s
nothing worse than explaining its true origin, the shadow behind the shimmer.

Eve is a Social E3 who, in turn, embodies the ways of a fundamentally E3 society, which
deems the actions of pathological Threes like her as logical and forgivable, provided they
are successful and minimally legal. Mankiewicz crafts the Hollywoodian Eve into a
compendium of ruthless ambition, unscrupulousness, intrigue, and blackmail—all the
basest arts of pretense, which many are willing to forgive as long as they benefit from the
“rise,” be it of a Wall Street shark or a diva.

Adding to her ambition is Eve’s youth: at twenty-four, she stands in stark contrast to Margo
Channing, aged forty. Age, or more precisely, physical appearance, is a fundamental
concern for the E3. The generational turnover, whether in theatrical or other settings, is a
motif used ad nauseam in both tragic and comedic scripts, and it directly touches on this
inherent fear of the Social E3, especially the women: aging or, more abstractly put, losing
the appropriate appearance (remember the drama of Dorian Gray?).

The other key theme for Eve as Social E3 is—as we’ve already mentioned—the blurring of
the character with the real individual. This is something that happens to many actors; one
could say it’s their breeding ground. Margo expresses a very valid sentiment for Social E3s:
“I wish someone would tell me about me.” In other words, “Could someone tell me who I
am? I’ve lost myself among so many reflections in the mirror I gaze into.”

The film’s atmosphere is saturated with what this subtype perceives as their “natural”
habitat, and Eve represents one of its possible manifestations.

The Status

The perception of life as a ladder of achievements and positions, to be swiftly consolidated

and left behind for the pursuit of the next one, aptly encapsulates the neurosis of this trait,
especially in its social subtype—an incessant quest to “be someone,” meaning, to be
perceived as such by others. The film places such emphasis on this aspect that it could well
be considered its main theme.

By status, we understand the position a person occupies in society or within a specific

group. For someone highly attuned to status, everything serves as a signifier of their own
position and that of others—ranging from the words they use, what they drink, who they
talk to and how they dress, where they studied or what they’ve read, to where they’ve
been…

In their childhood, the Social E3 has so thoroughly adapted to systems that reward status
or fame in exchange for specific behaviors that they internalized the world simply functions
like that. This character has developed a “natural instinct” to discern “what is appropriate”
and is rarely overt in their approach. They know that their need for status will be better
satisfied if discreetly concealed, so they seldom draw attention to it, even though they are
wholeheartedly engaged in the constant task of positioning themselves to become that
coveted “someone,” as we will see happen with Eve.
The World of Theater

Set against the opulent backdrop of the Sarah Siddon Society venue during an awards
ceremony, the film unravels through a long flashback narrated by several of its characters.
The action takes place between the last speech of the ceremony, delivered by an elderly
actor, and his presentation of the last remaining award, the most coveted one—to Eve
Harrington, for “her distinguished achievement” in the theater.

We are in the heart of the theatrical universe, on the East Coast, in New York’s Broadway.
Naturally, only at the end, after the award has been presented, does it become apparent
that neither the grandiose speeches nor the ostensibly “heartfelt” words of gratitude align
with the genuine sentiments that brought about the occasion. Almost nothing of what is
being said is true, yet this audacious charade of an award ceremony has the dazzling veneer
of an idealized “noble sincerity.” It is not exactly a lie either but possesses the “inflated,
shiny” essence of a fable (like photos of European monarchs, actors, or millionaires in glossy
magazines).

In the life of a Social E3, behind the immaculate and “important” facade (inclined toward
“deification,” as they say in Hollywood), the human intricacies behind the award reveal
tragic and bleak disparities. The film tells us nothing about Eve’s emotional or sexual life,
what she eats, whether she has friends or not (she claims to be an orphan, although, of
course, it’s not true), and most importantly, at no point does it mention what kind of
approach or sensitivity she has toward her craft. Is the theater her life? Does she resonate
with it?

No. That would make for another movie. It would probably begin with her personal or
professional crisis, allowing her to start freely creating “her” theater instead of being a mere
“carbon copy” of another actress… But Eve’s focus is not on herself, her qualities, or her
artistic sensitivity. It’s on others, whose qualities she wishes to appropriate, convinced that
this will satiate her longing for the brilliance she admires in Margo, allowing her to “be”
someone, and therefore be happy. Almost everything she does, as we shall see, is
consumed by this “doing” dictated by her overarching strategy. What she does almost
doesn’t matter.

Synopsis

Margo Channing (Sexual E4) is an actress who has reached her forties at the peak of her
career. Only after a personal journey, not an easy one for her as the film depicts, does she
come to the realization that roles of young heroines no longer suit her or pique her interest.
Her maturity surfaces as she embraces fulfilling her authentic priorities: marrying and
building a home with the man she loves, Bill Sampson, a highly acclaimed theater director
who leaves for Hollywood on the same day the action begins. This month-long separation
from her boyfriend influences her decision to welcome a seemingly vulnerable young
woman into her home upon her return from the airport.

Moments before, at the theater, while she’s removing her makeup and taking off her wig
after yet another performance of the play symbolically titled Aged in Wood, her best friend,
Karen Lloyd (possibly Conservation E3), introduces her to a persistent admirer who claims
not to have missed a single one of Margo’s performances for years. This way, Eve
Harrington has snuck into the star’s dressing room.

Eve quickly captivates everyone with her life story... except for the maid, Birdie Coonan,
who intuitively rebels against the exaggeration of what she’s telling: “What a story.
Everything but the bloodhounds snappin’ at her rear end…” Eve successfully enters Margo’s
world, who takes her into her service (just as she did years ago with her friend Birdie).

Eve progressively assumes responsibility for almost everything with undeniable efficiency:
schedules, scripts, contracts, phone calls… Margo is in a state of bliss, not having to deal
with the daily hassles of managing her affairs, for she has found the perfect secretary and
companion—a mutual servitude that benefits them both. The only difference is that while
Margo’s motivations are evident to the viewer, Eve’s motives are twofold: the transparent
ones, as her days of living in precarious conditions have ended; and the hidden ones, which
the film will reveal little by little, as she intricately weaves her strategy, like a spider
spinning its delicate web. This harmonious arrangement lasts a couple of months until
Margo, alerted by Birdie, realizes that, if she is not vigilant, Eve might snatch away not only
her boyfriend but also her very identity.

Eve, the “perfect” and indispensable secretary (her second subtype, after the social one, is
the conservative one), oversees, filters (with a sensitivity more akin to radar or sonar than a
microscope), and executes all the tasks the actress neglects, mirroring at remarkable speed
Margo’s on-stage performances. Following the astonishingly chameleonic transformation
characteristic of a Social E3, there comes a point when Eve can not only impersonate but
also fully embody Margo, usurping her place.

Naturally, you don’t need to be a Social E3 to pull off such feats (professional mimicry exists
at all levels) but the manner in which it’s executed is quintessentially E3: savoring the
pleasure of ambition and approval without necessarily understanding the content being
assimilated.

We’ve mentioned the chameleon (because of its adaptability), but there are more animals
lurking in the shadow of the Social E3, from the spider (with its slow, quiet and invisible
web) to the eel (with its movements and speech), and even the silent vulture soaring at
heights (the Social E3 might say condor). However, it’s the film itself that nails the most
accurate zoological analogy for Eve: the bee. It makes honey, is industrious, and, boy, does it
have a stinger.

Without Margo finding out or even suspecting anything, orchestrated with the necessary
collaboration of other characters (some unwittingly, like the unsuspecting Karen; others, not
so much) and through an exhaustive exploitation of opportune circumstances that present
themselves to her, Eve wastes no time and successfully secures the role of Margo’s
understudy. The day finally arrives when she manages to replace her in a performance (the
only one or one of the very few in Margo’s career that she misses… and not by her own
choice).

With this singular performance, earned through her cunning tricks, Eve causes a sensation
among the critics, who happened to be assembled entirely “coincidentally” on that
particular day to watch a performance that would have otherwise gone unnoticed.
Naturally, she is also assisted in “becoming somebody” by the most influential of theater
critics, Addison DeWitt, a hawk for young and beautiful talents (including Miss Casswell,
who appears to be another Social E3 but with a sexual second subtype instead of
conservation, like Eve). The hawk is fascinated by Eve’s “art” (her “scenic animality”) and he
won’t leave without his prey. Addison DeWitt will ultimately be the one to uncover her true
story and expose her true identity, unraveling Eve’s “original lie.”

Not content with just triumphing on stage in Margo Channing’s wake, Eve is hungry for the
absolute prestige of the theatrical milieu and already senses the allure of Hollywood, which
appears even more enticing to her. In her delirium, she attempts to entangle even Margo
and Karen’s partners (Bill, the renowned director, and Lloyd, the famous author), who have
supported her so much, with pseudo-amorous stratagems. Driven by her greed for stardom,
nothing seems to stop her in the carefully crafted fabrication she has made of her life.
Blinded by her desire for prestige and recognition, she resorts to blackmail to secure a role
intended for Margo in one of Lloyd’s plays.

Seeing that Eve is trying to seriously implicate him as an accomplice in one of her many
manipulations, the ruthless Addison abruptly stops her in her tracks with the threat of
publicly exposing her, thereby ruining her if she persists in her refusal to submit to him. He
reminds her that their "success tandem" was established with the understanding that both
of them would rise together. (This type of tandem between E3 and E2, especially social and
sexual, has produced many prototypical gangster couples in Hollywood.)

In the end, Margo Channing, oblivious to the blackmail, declines to play the coveted role
desired by Eve, acknowledging that it’s better to pass it on to a younger actress—perhaps
even to Eve herself.
After quelling Eve’s fury, the critic boosts her career and secures the Grand Prize for her,
recognizing her "distinguished achievements" with the Sarah Siddon Society. This is the
same ceremony with which the film began. Eve receives her award after pompous speeches
that, befitting her character, paint a fictional scenario of personal achievement, which has
little to do with what actually happened (nothing is said about the artistic aspect). Addison
DeWitt, the critic who cynically narrates the aged and hypocritical yet necessary
consecration ceremony off-screen, chuckles between the lines.

At the climax of this "authentic fraud," Eve Harrington, the Social E3, takes the stage and
dedicates the award, without batting an eye, to Karen, Bill, Lloyd, Max, and Margo
Channing—those whose mere mention and association instantly elevate her prestige.
However, these figures would never have lifted a finger to grant her the award, as they are
already fully aware of her other face. She pointedly leaves out Addison, the main architect
of her receiving the award. Margo, present at the ceremony, bids her farewell, telling her
not to worry about the void in her heart because she can always put the award in its place
(a perfect metaphor for the Social E3).

Eve and the “Original Sin”: A Fabricated Life

In Eve’s initial encounter with Margo in her dressing room, we can already observe
characteristic features of the Social E3:

●​ Fulfilling an insatiable need for attention, capturing it from an attentive audience

where she can project the suitable image for the occasion and her goals.
●​ Living life as a performance, a story, a movie.
●​ Tending towards a fantastical elaboration of her own life.
●​ Seamlessly incorporating that elaboration into behavior, with an ease in
manipulation through words.

Starting with the Weakest Link

Through the unsuspecting Karen, Eve manages to make her way—much like many fans do
with their idols—into Margo’s dressing room, where she recounts her life story to those
present. In each of her words, you can sense the pleasure she derives from the attention
she receives and the control, invisible but incessant, over her speech. This is part of the
"coldness" of her character, aimed at continually earning recognition while subtly
introducing measured doses of standard strategies to make her story appear authentic and
believable.
What more could a loquacious, recognition-hungry character desire? The scene provides
Eve with an attentive, renowned, and knowledgeable audience (its value multiplied
because the stars themselves listen, not family, friends, or an unknown crowd). It also offers
her the chance to subtly market an image emerging from her imagination, gradually
constructing it as she perceives others concurrently weaving in their minds the
"authenticity" she dispenses. This Social E3 further knows that not just any story convinces;
she must sell the correct image. Her speech shouldn’t be strident but constructed on banal
yet widely accepted elements that resonate with the heart of any ordinary American. And
so, she presents herself as a young war widow, with a more or less mundane childhood,
somewhat mythomaniac in her adoration of Bill, Lloyd, and Margo, and someone who loves
the theater.

At her story, the great actress weeps, and everyone is moved to tears. The theater
generously distributes its magic. Even the maid falls under the story’s spell, despite being
the only one who shows disapproval of the stranger’s presence, sensing the threat: Eve
could, in a minute, come between her and her mistress (which, in fact, will happen).

The Theater: A Metaphor for Vanity and the “Interposed” Character

Expert at navigating any social hierarchy, the chameleonic adaptability of the Social E3
resembles an internal theater with multiple stages, where they effortlessly assume the role
most advantageous in any given moment. While Eve spins her narrative and fabricates her
life, she commits, before an improvised audience, an “artistic fraud”—very similar to what
every actor performs on stage. Eve is essentially "acting out her life," the one that takes her
out of obscurity and opens the doors to her true, hidden, and overflowing ambition: the
applause of the audience and the enchanting glow of a revered actress. These are
aspirations she would never dare reveal to Margo, as it would expose her as just another
sycophant—an image that, she knows very well, would get her discredited. If everyone
accepts her, it’s because she has done and said the right things.

This scene highlights two aspects that are of the utmost importance for the Social E3: the
trick, the lie, the deception, the mask (however we want to call it), and the medium through
which it manifests—be it narrative or otherwise (fashion, tastes, vocabulary). The E3 excels
at winning over others but is essentially an attractive seller of themselves, knowing how to
wrap up this first transaction very well. Margo Channing, driven by her own need for
companionship (her partner is leaving for Hollywood in a few hours), turns Eve into more
than just her secretary—she becomes her companion.
Before the Dressing Room

But let’s rewind to the moment just before Eve enters the dressing room. She is waiting
outside, dressed in a shabby trench coat and a man’s hat. When Margo learns she has to
greet a fan who’s seen her dozens of times, she immediately recognizes Eve and describes
her with disdainful yet surprisingly accurate words: “Ah! The mousy one, in a trench coat
with a funny hat?” Unconsciously, she has certainly x-rayed her, but despite all her years as
an actress, she is tired and in love, and so she overlooks this primal intuition. Besides,
Margo has just been speaking grumpily about fans: “They’re not people—those little beasts
that run around in packs like coyotes... juvenile delinquents, mental detectives—they’re
nobody’s audience.”

Eve’s Admiration for Margo

Now, let’s consider the scene from another angle—I’m referring to Eve’s admiration for
Margo. She has seen her perform "dozens" of times (some of which are true only in her
fantasy), and her admiration seems genuinely powerful. But, in reality, it’s not. She is
primarily interested in Margo’s boyfriend, Bill, because she knows that only a great director
can elevate an actress. In fact, it’s one of the first things she says to Karen: “Bill Sampson is
the best.” It seems that, towards Margo, she feels a “soft” envy of the E3, repressed and
disguised to the extreme, a feeling she fails to recognize in herself. Despite its twisted
nature, it appears to be a misplaced filial love for all those who hold prominence and
applause in her eyes: Margo as an actress, and Bill, Lloyd, and Addison... By the time she
enters the dressing room, she has thoroughly studied them, observed them at work... in
short, she knows them inside out.

Her admiring love is overshadowed by her need for professional success. For her, people
don’t exist—only characters. This detachment from her own emotions and being, often
labeled as "coldness," is a distinctive trait of E3, particularly the social subtype. She admires
what aligns with the idea-objective or accepted values in her environment ("logical and
profitable to value") and discreetly discards anything that obstructs her path—anything that
suspiciously resembles life itself.

Spiritual Sloth

Eve doesn’t dare openly express her aspirations. Her genuine (and not condemnable)
desires seem to be judged negatively by her in advance. It appears that her admiration has
transformed into imperceptible cannibalism—an eagerness to imitate the star down to the
smallest detail, to supplant her, to “be like” her, and to “appropriate” her art and success.
Despite possessing her own obvious qualities, a deep acedia (spiritual sloth) prevents her
from awakening to them and living authentically (E3 within the E6-E9-E3 triangle). Instead,
she follows the example with the rudimentary docility of a “good girl.”

She is not a nurturing woman; it seems she has outright rejected her maternal spirit and her
inner child. Her “childish coldness” is nothing more than the reduction of life to immediate
profit motives, demanding rewards in exchange for effort—a mercantilism as cold and
precise as an accounting ledger.

The relationship of convenient mutual servitude best accommodates her desires: two
competitive, “phallic” women who thrive by maintaining the subtle hierarchy between
them. However, the Social E3, a skilled saboteur, knows very well how to reverse the roles
when the right moment comes. Her seemingly imperturbable behavior is so sly because,
like a proper E3, deep down she is not entirely sure of her own qualities (if she had high
self-esteem, she wouldn’t resort to such tactics). Intuitively, her stratagems are cautious,
capitalizing with remarkable efficiency on the weaknesses of the strong (to which, as a
Social E3, she is highly attuned). Always entering through the back door (remember how
she sneaked into the dressing room?), she never draws attention to anything “incorrect” or
“inappropriate” to avoid situations of direct conflict.

Self-Invented

Let’s review Eve’s life story, as recounted by herself. What does it reveal about her, and
how? On an impromptu stage, under the watchful eyes of Margo and company, she spins a
tale that becomes more extravagant and ambitious with each passing moment. One thing is
clear: the more attention she receives, the more outlandish and grandiose her story
becomes. While Eve may not yet be an actress capable of navigating the emotional
spectrum quite like Margo, she proves to be a skillful storyteller with a vivid imagination.

She herself candidly confesses this before delving into the intricacies of inventing her life: “I
used to believe a lot when I was a kid—acted out all sorts of things... what they were isn’t
important. But, somehow, acting and make-believe began to fill up my life more and more.
It got so I couldn’t tell the real from the unreal except that the unreal seemed more real to
me…” In short, she is like Baron Munchausen. As she says it, Eve drifts into a daydream for
the first time; let’s focus on her face as she speaks: her gaze becomes distinctly human only
in those moments of reverie—she lights up, transforms, as if she’s reclaiming something
from her roots and finding grounding.

Only when it’s clear that she’s a born “storyteller” does the attention she receives push her
to succumb to her inevitable compulsion: she says she’s from Wisconsin, an only child, born
to poor farmer parents… And this part is true, but everything else is not. She invents a
husband, Eddie, a radio technician she supposedly met in the theater group of the brewery
where she works. Then comes the wedding, the war, the furlough, widowhood, confirmed
while in San Francisco… There she starts going to the theater, collects insurance, and
discovers Margo for the first time. She lies needlessly, as it’s almost certain that if she told
the true story of how Gertrude Slescynski came to Wisconsin, it would elicit more
astonishment, though perhaps less impact on an American heart of that time. But, as
mentioned elsewhere, Mankiewicz chooses to have her lie here and invent the typical,
easily relatable story of an American patriot because it will strike a chord with her listeners.

Subtlety, Intrigue, Business, and Worldly Mischief

Margo has already discerned that there’s more to Eve’s dedication than just efficiency (for
example, an excessive and dangerous interest not only in her, her wigs, and her costumes,
but also in her boyfriend, Bill). On his return from Hollywood, Margo hosts a cocktail party,
but her jealousy and mistrust spoil it before it even begins. Everyone adores Eve: so
feminine and sweet, efficient, polite, correct… so useful and helpful, managing to stay by
Margo’s side all this time without a single complaint… Meanwhile, Margo, contrary to all
that is “appropriate,” smokes non-stop, raises her voice, drinks to inebriation, and often
erupts in both verbal and nearly physical displays of violence.

The contrast between the two becomes exaggerated to the point of caricature. Eve never
loses her temper, even when offended. Imperturbability is her armor—a characteristic trait
of E3. She appears not to feel, seemingly anesthetized to the pain inflicted upon her (just as
she remains oblivious to the suffering of others around her).

Eve’s initial response is to make a mental effort to recall what might have prompted
Margo’s mockery. She neither outwardly defends herself nor shows offense. It doesn’t even
occur to her that her hidden intentions might have been uncovered, and it’s possible that
she hasn’t yet fully clarified them to herself. She doesn’t identify with her pain, Margo’s
anger, or the ongoing offense. Internally, she opts to “act as if I wasn’t there” and, if
anything, assumes blame for Margo’s outbursts instead of holding her accountable.

This deferral between feeling and acting characterizes E3s as people with significant
resilience in the face of difficult situations or those requiring prolonged endurance. They
endure to the point of their own “incompetence,” as seen in Eve’s case. But they can also be
very impatient and develop a sharp tongue. Mankiewicz attributes this quality above all to
the critic Addison DeWitt (Social E2), quite similar to Eve’s character and, perhaps for that
reason, they are depicted as “two of a kind” in the script.
The confrontation leads to a revealing conversation, with the critic Addison (accompanied
by the debutante Miss Caswell), Bill, Karen, and Eve sitting on the staircase, reflecting
aloud on the world of theater and the role each one plays in it. The viewer is already
warned that Eve wastes no time, but there is nothing yet that gives away her moral
flexibility.

In the bedroom, which doubles as a makeshift closet, she has enlisted Karen to persuade
producer Fabian to make her Margo’s understudy in the play. However, she already knows
the lines by heart, has nothing to attend to, and has the actress’s affairs in perfect order.
Amidst the appearances of the slightly intoxicated Margo, who humiliates Eve (and anyone
else within her reach), distinct aspects of the Social E3 trait can be glimpsed in Eve:

Seduction. Eve has captured the attention of Addison (who showed great interest in
meeting her from the moment he first saw her), but also Karen, Bill, and Lloyd... She is
keenly aware of the attention she arouses, achieved at the expense of the esteemed actress
and hostess, whose conduct that night leaves much to be desired. To seduce, she doesn’t
need to do anything; her seduction is passive—being looked at and observed, while she
moves proudly and discreetly like a bee at work (the metaphor that Mankiewicz astutely
uses to refer to women like Eve or Karen).

Mercantilism. Beneath Eve’s candor lies a “mercantile” calculation of gains and losses
according to her values. Words and gestures are appraised by Eve as commodities in the
marketplace of her interests, resembling an internal auction to gauge what to bid for or
what to exchange. This unconscious scenario is typical of E3. Eve cannot fathom that life
can be anything other than a transaction, a tit for tat, a quid pro quo.

Living with Margo doesn’t excite her much now that everything is in order, and she has
dedicated enough time to her. Meanwhile, her ambitions have taken shape, and she renews
her schemes by once again using Karen (the most innocent and unprotected ally in her
plans) to help her find a new job... But now, her goal is nothing less than to replace Margo.

The critic Addison will also be instrumental in achieving her ends (she has invited him to
the party without him being a friend of Margo and without her knowledge). Similarly, the
playwright, Lloyd, becomes the target of her seduction when she sees that Bill, Margo’s
boyfriend, rebuffs her advances. Every man at the cocktail party has had her on their mind.
And she has achieved this without lifting a finger, reaping the benefits of Margo’s jealousy.
They rally to defend her against Margo, asserting her talents and embarrassing the
established actress. Furthermore, it becomes apparent that it’s Eve who made the guest list,
inviting people whom Margo had removed from her own.

In other words, Eve has invited people it’s convenient for her to meet, skillfully making use
of the occasion and extracting maximum benefits from a single event (a unique strength of
the Social E3). Additionally, outsiders view this as “her good and generous deed” of
assisting Margo. Just like the final scene of her thanking for the award, it’s an impeccable
self-promotion mechanism.

Since she “doesn’t feel,” she assumes that others also don’t “feel,” lacking any scruples
whatsoever. Eventually, she will push her abilities too far and break the rule: her
diamond-like efficiency will wear off into blatant incompetence, and someone will seize the
opportunity to set clear boundaries for her, as we shall soon witness.

Daydreaming: A “Divinized” Vision of Anticipated Achievement

She unwittingly speaks of her passion, which may have sparked the script, the seed from
which the film developed, offering a fairly accurate definition of vanity. With sparkling eyes,
as if under a spell, she says:

"So little?” “So little,” did you say? Why, if there’s nothing else, there’s applause. I’ve
listened backstage to people applaud. It’s like… like waves of love coming over the
footlights and wrapping you up. Imagine, to know every night that different hundreds of
people love you. They smile, their eyes shine, you’ve pleased them. They want you. You
belong. Just that alone is worth anything.

She describes the neurotic need of the Social E3: applause; recognition—an early stage of
fame, whether it’s within the family, profession, neighborhood, media, or encyclopedias.
Whatever the context, it’s the same underlying desire, varying in its measure.

The gentle wave that rises and stirs Eve reveals, now with more depth, the contrast
between her intense emotion in envisioning achievement and a somewhat secondary
passion for theater. As Eve utters these words, she is on the verge of tears, and everyone
looks at her with rapture. Except for the critic, who evaluates her acting abilities,
appreciating the “deceit” of which, at that moment, she isn’t even aware. She can cry for
something as distant and abstract as imagining anonymous applause. Understanding this
“deceit” gives the critic the power to control Eve—not only because he discovers her
weakness and concealed ambition, but also because he knows that, in pursuing it, she will
inevitably have to go through him.

The Social E3 storyteller (make-believe) often lives under false illusions, shaping the
marketing of their product for sale. The illusion they feed themselves about achievable
feats often carries a hint of “divinized enthronement.” This will be reflected in Eve’s
expression when she receives the award at the end. In fact, if we pause the film and take a
close look at the award, we’ll see that it is a statuette of a woman sitting on a kind of
throne, like a triumphant Judith who has just severed the head of General Holofernes.
That internal sense of self-aggrandizement through achievements makes Social E3s
productive, industrious, and competitive, feeling compelled to be unique in what they do
and driven by incessant action. But nothing is said about the content of Eve’s life beyond
her ambition and her emulation of Margo Channing. That’s why, at the beginning of the
therapeutic process, the social Three often feels uneasy about halting their activities,
ceasing to act, or allowing themselves to be guided by something or someone they don’t
know. Especially activities that don’t bring recognition, whether financial or otherwise:
crafting, meditating, selflessly helping others, making love, or creating art outside
conventional norms. For now, Eve has done what so many Americans do when they travel
or talk about things to see in the world: “Done it!” She carries a notebook, and life revolves
around crossing off completed tasks, presumably to have the notebook with the most
checkmarks.

In Eve’s behavior, we can clearly see the two meanings of prestige: fame and the trickery,
deceit, fraud, or “prestidigitation” that she employs to obtain and maintain it.

“I Do It for You”

The dialogue between Eve Harrington and Bill Sampson in a supposed “transition” scene
reveals Mankiewicz’s profound psychological understanding of the Social E3 female—a
figure that fascinated him and whom he saw as the new prototype of the American woman:
a fighter who does not shrink from anything or anyone.

Eve has just completed her first full performance of Aged in Wood, stepping in for Margo
and showcasing her great potential as an actress. Bill, the director—who has quarreled
with his girlfriend, Margo, and didn’t accompany her on the weekend getaway to the
countryside—congratulates her in the dressing room. But Eve remains unsatisfied.

The exchange clearly exposes the existential confusion of the E3. Symbolically, it takes
place in the same dressing room where, at the beginning of the film, Bill explained to Eve,
in a few somewhat harsh words, what being an actress was all about.

Bill: “[...] You were better than alright. You rang a bell. Little things here and there, but it
doesn’t matter. Be proud of yourself. You’ve got a right to be.”

Eve: “Are you proud of me, Bill?”

Bill: “I admit I was worried when Max called. I had my doubts.”

Eve: “You shouldn’t have had any doubts.”

Bill: “After all, the other day [when Eve auditioned as Margo’s stand-in] was one scene. The
woods are full of one-scene sensations. But you did it. With work and patience, you’ll be a
good actress. If that’s what you wanna be.”

Eve: “Is that what you want me to be?”

Bill: “I’m talking about you and what you want.”

Eve: “So am I.”

Bill: “What have I got to do with it?”

Eve: “Everything.”

Bill: “The names I’ve been called, but never Svengali. Good luck.”

Eve: “Don’t run away, Bill.”

Bill: “From what would I be running?”

Eve: “You’re always after the truth on the stage. What about off?”

Bill: “I’m for it.”

Eve: “Then face it. I have. Ever since that first night in here, in the dressing room.”

Bill: “I told you what every actress should know.”

Eve: “You told me that whatever I became, it would be because of you…”

Bill: “Make-up is a little heavy.”

Eve: “And for you.”

Bill: “You’re quite a girl.”

Eve: “You think?”

Bill: “I’m in love with Margo. Hadn’t you heard?”

Eve: “You hear all kinds of things.”

Bill: “I’m only human, rumors to the contrary, and I’m as curious as the next man.”

Eve: “Find out.”

Bill: “Only thing: what I go after I want to go after. I don’t want it to come after me.”
(Tears well up in Eve’s eyes.)

Bill: “Don’t cry. Just score it as an incomplete forward pass.”

Eve finally reveals that her target is Bill. The blend of ambition, manipulation, and
remarkable storytelling ability, where personal convictions are mistaken for reality,
accompanies all Social E3s until they encounter clear limits. For Eve, Bill is the first to set
them when he realizes she is capable of anything, though he’s yet to understand her true
aim, uncertain if Eve’s theatrical calling is sincere.

After her insinuation that there’s a secret connection between them, Bill dismisses her as
too fanciful. The invention, trickery, or the make-up—coinciding in English with the same
word—distort reality so much that they shatter Eve’s discreet, quiet, and sweet image,
revealing her strategy of spinning invisible webs. It marks the first reaction of anger,
opposition, and resentment we witness from her (the second being the final unmasking).
Perhaps it’s not so much a characteristic feature of the trait’s perverse identification with
others as the absolute belief that her own constructions represent reality, distorting and
inventing it to the point of delirium, given her difficulty in connecting with herself or real
conflicts beyond her fabrications.

But neither identification nor imitation (what has come to be called the “chameleonism” of
the Social E3), nor instinctive storytelling, fully captures this aspect of the subtype. In this
scene, we observe her need for “identification” with someone who possesses something
“valued” by her, and her “imitation” of the other (a couple of minutes later, she admits that
her performance is that of Margo and that she is merely “a carbon copy”). Yet, there is
something even more illuminating about the Social E3 in this scene. Eve (without knowing
why!) in a sudden convergence, offers to become what Bill wants her to be, in line with her
ultimate objective (my life is your life): “Is that what you want me to be? [an actress].” It
seems that she cannot be herself, that if she looks inward, she’ll only find a soulless
mechanism to “be like” but not simply “be.” In other words, she needs someone to always
look at her to be able to exist (hence the reference to the hypnotist Svengali).

This statement by Eve stuns and surprises Bill, who replies, “I’m talking about you and
what you want.” He realizes that behind this “stage persona,” there isn’t an artistic pursuit,
or even a quest for fame, wealth, or triumph, but rather a deep-seated need for recognition
and approval from an “audience” that could be himself, a partner, or friends. This need
seems to go back a long way, possibly to her childhood family dynamics and her
relationship with her father. There appears to be in her an overwhelming need to “be,” but
transformed into a profession, not as a spontaneous aspect of life—a need that has been
terribly distorted very early on. And the “fall” could be likened to the sudden awakening of
someone who has been hypnotized or a sleepwalker. It’s as if she exists “without really
being there,” that is to say, lacking genuine connection to what she says or does—a mere
shadow of herself, or an actress mimicking an existence in a world long transformed into a
plastic and numb stage.

Power and Contempt: Social E3 and Social E2

The intensity of the unmasking scene seems to fill the void left in Eve's life by the absence
of love, sex, or emotions. Like a sleepwalker, a robot, or a woman hypnotized by herself, Eve
begins to awaken from a trance after the slap DeWitt gives her. In this scene, sex is in the
air, even if it remains implicit. For Eve, sex is undoubtedly another perfectly natural
bargaining chip in her mercantile view of things. She might offer sex when asked for love,
blurring the lines between the two (a typical E3 confusion). Perhaps Addison is waiting for
a better moment to consummate this complex but intriguing relationship, which also
interests him professionally. In any case, it’s clear that the two share something deeper. The
slap and the subsequent crying on the bed carry the force of a somewhat abrupt sexual
encounter, of a finally taken virginity.

Of course, now that Eve is destined to succeed thanks to Addison’s help, he desires her, yes,
but he aims to head for Hollywood with her, where she won’t waste a minute before
leaving him. At least, this is what a Social E3 would immediately think.

What are the similarities and differences between a Social E3 and a Social E2—two
subtypes often very similar and difficult to distinguish? This artistic creation cleverly
provides some clues. Some viewers might simply say they’re the same, just one is a man,
and the other a woman. But their energy is very different, not only for that reason.

Addison DeWitt could be mistaken for an E8 if not for his refined dandy presence
(resembling a parody of Oscar Wilde in the mid-20th century) and his fundamental
aversion to conflicts outside of a newspaper column. His passion for histrionics and
ambition-conquest also seem to better align with E2.

At the door of his hotel suite, seeing that Eve is capable of taking a nap two hours before
the premiere, Addison remarks, “The mark of a true killer” for the cold-bloodedness she
demonstrates. She looks at him in astonishment because she doesn’t understand this
theatrical reference: “Why did you call me a killer?” He quickly replies: “Did I say killer? I
meant champion. I get my boxing terms mixed.” The confusion lies with Eve, and it implies a
significant difference between the two. Eve can weave intricate plots like few others, but
physical violence and her relationship with the body are another matter. In this moment, the
critic pointedly reminds her of some of her physical defects (to which a Social E3 is much
more sensitive than a Social E2). Eve prepares to open the door and order him out after the
slap, but he, admiring her dramatic instincts, comments, “You’re too short for that gesture.”
Then, as she reaches for the phone, he gravely reminds her, “That instinct is worth millions.
You can’t buy it, Eve. Cherish it. When that alarm goes off, go to your battle stations.” He
knows that if they fought, it would spell the end for both of them, because the wounds they
can inflict on each other would be difficult to heal.

As mentioned before, it’s not uncommon to find Social E3s in the roles of gangsters and
sophisticated killers (E2s as well, but they’re usually more forceful; they can also be
eccentric dandies who gamble a lot more); villainous aristocrats or white-collar thieves who
relish and understand what they’re about to steal (as if it’s already theirs) even more than
the owners, who enjoy life and lie more than they speak; croupiers, spies; vain artists;
famous writers with a commanding presence; fashion designers and couturiers; creators
and experts in poisons… Actors and actresses, theater and film directors… Or those from the
world of business and finance, where they can be even more “hard-nosed,” cold, and
ruthless.

Only someone like Addison, who was born into, lives by, and for the theater, can unravel
Eve and, at the same time, seems to be capable of loving her. He sees in her the seductive
force of immense and primal qualities that naturally contribute to her development as an
actress. Let’s look at the dialogue right after the unmasking:

Eve: “I had to get in, to meet Margo. I had to say something, be somebody. Make her like
me!”​
Addison: “That I should want you at all suddenly strikes me as the height of improbability.
But that in itself is probably the reason. You’re an improbable person, Eve, and so am I. We
have that in common. Also a contempt for humanity, an inability to love and be loved.
Insatiable ambition and talent. We deserve each other.”

Eve cries, overwhelmed by the shame of having been caught; having been “seen” and
unmasked, at the mercy of someone, losing all her freedom of action. She refuses to
perform that evening. Although her pride is crushed, she will soon recover with a dose of
recognition from the audience. Naturally, she performs and triumphs, becoming worthy of
the prize she is about to receive for her role in a play that, for various reasons, everyone is
interested in (the theater is interested in) for her success. The play is by Lloyd, Karen’s
husband; directed by Bill, Margo’s boyfriend; produced by Max Fabian; and reviewed by
Addison DeWitt. There is no other choice: the theater industry and Hollywood need the
icing on the cake to be tremendous—a young and assertive young actress. In this case, the
model is a Social E3 because in America, the emphasis is on women’s ambition and
independence, and myths must become increasingly exaggerated.
The Award Ceremony

The critic Addison DeWitt narrates the ceremony. Mankiewicz thus grants him a certain
priority, subliminally identifying with his reflections and viewpoints on theater and actors.
Being a critic, he’s immunized against the vanities of the profession.

Finally, Eve takes the award in her hands, and the warm wave of “love” washes over her.
We see her features light up, semi-rigid in a reverie of “deification,” as her gaze blurs, and
her eyes start to resemble the hollow glass sockets of a doll. When she speaks, she
achieves, with astonishing naturalness:

●​ Self-promotion from a place of “humility.” Claiming not to be anyone, achieving

success too early that she feels undeserving, putting in effort despite limited
education… She skillfully manages to turn everything into merit by presenting it as
“anomalous” or exceptional.
●​ Self-promotion by appropriating the merit of others. Every acknowledgment to
those who helped her and now detest her, far from diminishing the value of her
effort and debut, adds more credit to her persona, precisely due to the importance of
those involved. Additionally, it helps maintain her image as a good, hardworking,
and grateful woman. The image of the Social E3 is like a bustling stock exchange
where absolutely everything is exploited, whether it belongs to her or not.
●​ The creed of the ego-go, which never stops. Eve describes herself (applauded by
American society in the background) with this authentic “gem” describing the Social
E3 character: “I regard this honor not so much as an award for what I have achieved
but as a standard to hold against what I have yet to accomplish…”
●​ Change in demeanor. Since the unmasking scene, Eve appears rougher and more
bitter. Paradoxically, she is now famous and embarking on a promising career, but
something in DeWitt’s slap seems to have touched her, as if awakening her from a
dream. Yet she doesn’t perceive a different world. Unaware of it, she begins the sad
“Hollywoodian” journey, typical of any Social E3 with a two-phased life, or in other
words, the imbalance between the external and internal: what she experiences
more attentively increasingly resembles a cardboard cutout shadow, while what she
genuinely feels, her inner self, is dismissed as a tasteless illusion. This path led
many Hollywood personalities to alcohol or barbiturates. Although she doesn’t have
to reach those extremes, it’s true that the crisis of the Social E3 manifests as a death
equivalent to “being nothing” (opposite to “being someone”), which can lead to
serious anxiety.
●​ The lust for notoriety. Eve’s is inexhaustible. Following the ceremony, a big party is
thrown in her honor by the producer. Staying true to her character’s cliché, she
declines to attend, and Addison reminds her it’s for her. It doesn’t matter to her; if
she doesn’t go, she’ll make even more of a buzz because her absence now
 surpasses her presence in notoriety. She has already started to become a star, and
she knows it. Shortly after, she forgets the hefty award in the taxi: what she
obtained becomes easily discarded and discredited by the Social E3 (a unique way
to prevent anyone else from benefiting from it later or enhancing its value after she
received it). It’s just another step, like any on an infinite social ladder.

A New Eve Emerges

As Eve settles into her apartment at dusk, her trunks wide open as she heads to
Hollywood, the myth happens once more. Another young woman requests to work by her
side. After the star has retired, she answers the door and places Eve’s immaculate white
cape on her shoulders.

With the prize in her hands, reflected infinitely by the prism of mirrors in front of the
actress’s dressing screen, she bows before her own image reproduced ad infinitum,
performing the self-divinizing ritual of a Social E3, where the actress consecrates herself as
the human being disappears. Ironically, Mankiewicz names the new aspirant Phoebe, one of
the titans or demigods related to Selene, the Moon, and in charge of the Delphic oracle.
(From the Bible, we transition to Greek polytheism.)

The labyrinth of mirrors and the infinite reflection of the image are a striking description of
the E3: everything seen of them is on screens, in the numerous mirrors of the world, and in
the minds of others. But at the center, within themselves, no one can find the being that
gave rise to those images or distinguish it from them.

Mankiewicz brilliantly captures the attributes of the Social E3, characterized by

self-inflation, false self-illumination, and the pursuit of ambition, using metaphors of
reflections, glitter, infinite projections, mirrors, and sparkling light. Through the tools of
theater and cinema (arts of image and representation), he delves into a metaphorical abyss,
reminiscent of the bottom of Plato’s cave: where the individual doesn’t feel or see
themselves; they lose themselves in a web of inert and flat shadows resembling fleeting
glimpses of “being,” projected onto a cold wall, which they confuse with reality. The Social
E3 lives through this brightness, seeing the wall as a flat screen with extraordinary moving
images (motion pictures). The compulsion to promote that flat self-image, distorted to the
point of being unrecognizable, is integrated into the “movement” it believes constitutes life.

It doesn’t escape the viewer that the new aspirant is already eyeing the Oscar, and that she,
too, will come to resemble the statuette she’s holding in her hands: a queen on her throne,
symbolizing the perfect identification of the E3 with their needs, aspirations, and
achievements.
Jokes and Vignettes

“I couldn’t care less that you have a yacht in Acapulco or a mansion in Cancun. All that
matters is that we’re friends. By the way, what’s your name?”

When a Social E3 politician says “yes,” what they mean is “maybe.” When they say
“maybe,” what they mean is “no.” If they say “no,” then they’re not a politician (or not a
Social E3).

Someone goes to buy a fur coat. As they try it on, the saleswoman says it fits. “Yes,” they
respond, “it’s really nice, but it’s out of my budget.”
Transformation Process and Therapeutic Recommendations

What has helped us, the contributors to this chapter, in our journey toward self-discovery
and in alleviating some of the burdens of our neuroses, are a series of experiences that we
believe can be beneficial for individuals like us.
The process of growth entails examining the ideal that the Social E3 has constructed for
themselves and with which they identify. This ideal self is omnipotent, childlike, narcissistic,
and unattainable, yet the Social E3 believes they must embody it. This pursuit becomes a
primary source of their neurosis, as it clashes with a simple truth they must accept: no one
can be perfect.

The Social E3 individual has great difficulty facing fear. When fear does arise, they counter
it with control, drawing strength from their intellect, denying and defending themselves
against it. The recommendation, therefore, is to let go and feel, to welcome the
spontaneous and uncontrolled. They must dare to dissent and be more assertive, standing
firm without yielding to the pressure to accommodate others or the need to look good.

It’s healthy for them to practice moments of silence, allowing themselves to experience and
share it. In silence, there is sobriety, and the urge to constantly act does not exist. Through
this silent connection, the Social E3 gets closer to self-acceptance and a genuine
understanding of what truly matters—feeling at ease without giving in to control or
interference. It’s like coming home, as such an encounter enables them to experience the
process rather than just identifying with the finished product presented to others. In fact, it
is important for the Social E3 to first be centered on themselves before trying to
authentically connect with others. A certain selfishness is crucial for them to avoid
compulsively losing themselves in social interactions.

When faced with the challenge of connecting with others without the effort to adapt,
internal discomfort may arise as a result of this self-contact. It’s an exercise to learn to
prioritize one’s own needs, breaking free from being guided solely by the reactions of
others.

It’s also good for the Social E3 to take breaks— to not do, to try being inefficient, and to
reveal personal mistakes without disguising them. Becoming aware of the discomfort and
vulnerability that such self-exposure generates is essential.

Working with Social E3 patients as therapists brings us back to how other therapists
described initially working with us. It’s important for the patient to feel accompanied on
their path toward authenticity, but without being given a concrete direction to follow. The
key lies in establishing a connection with the here and now.

Within the therapeutic relationship, there is either genuine contact, or there is nothing. It’s
in the absence of this real contact that automatic responses surface. The Social E3 is
confluent; they adapt to the environment. To evolve, they must disengage from external
demands and, in order to reclaim their true selves, begin identifying with themselves.
In the early stages of therapy, confronting the Social E3 patient triggers a cascade of
resistances and defense mechanisms. Anger, sadness, and pain are only accessed after
extended hours of exploration in that direction. It’s often easier for the patient to access
their emotions through anger, which gradually transforms into pain and grief, finally
experienced without self-deception.

Embracing the spontaneity that sudden emotional experiences bring can be therapeutic.
Tears, sadness, and pain may surface when least expected, providing solace through a
connection with the genuine and authentic. Thus, the healing of shame, vulnerability, and
defenselessness comes from simply being present, doing nothing. As St. Teresa puts it, “no
more can be done.”

Creative endeavors, amusements, and theater are highly beneficial to the Social E3,
allowing them to recognize their theatricality. They can work on their tendency to always
portray a positive image by trying to laugh at themselves, fool around, and occasionally
lose face in public. When they connect with their needs, this vulnerability transforms into a
creative and positive outlet, undertaken with genuine joy and enthusiasm. Ana highlights
how creative work in the visual arts helps her establish a relationship with herself and, at
the same time, let go of her need for control:

Watercolor takes on a life of its own, and water introduces surprises. I can’t control it the
way I can dry techniques. I’m simply a passive witness of what unfolds (I let myself be
carried along). I make some movements, but without really changing the course of events.
It’s more of a co-creation with the medium itself than an ego-driven imposition by the
author on the subject matter.

It’s crucial for her to maintain the attitude of an amateur, who paints solely for herself, and
not a professional, as that would mean creating for an audience and for the scrutiny of
others.

Bodywork also proves beneficial as it releases blocked energy and helps break free from
habitual emotional containment. It’s important not to substitute it with competitive sports,
however, as this could once again engage the Social E3 in their eagerness to be first.

Meditation, especially the non-doing aspect, allows the individual to connect with
emptiness, and through sustained presence in this state, learn to inhabit that space. Due to
their difficulty in staying still, movement meditation can be simpler, at least initially (it offers
the feeling of doing something, which can be reassuring).

While the Social E3 has a good capacity to work in a group, negotiate, and coordinate tasks,
they often assume the role of a leader. Taking another position within the group—one of a
cooperator or an equal not seeking the spotlight—working collectively without sacrificing
authenticity, could teach them valuable lessons.

Regarding love, Yolanda writes:

To offer… I’m not sure what I want to offer my partner, but I think it’s about giving them
respite, tolerance, intimacy from my side with fewer words, and waiting to see where this
takes us. My fears include the fear of silencing myself and my heart, and of losing contact
with my tenderness and love for them. I want to trust that this is a natural flow and wait for
whatever comes next.

Healthy Aspects and Beneficial Tasks for a Social E3:

●​ Getting tired of and discarding the mask

●​ Making contact with emptiness, with the shadow
●​ Confronting fear
●​ Doing bodywork and getting in touch with anger (both personal and that of others)
●​ Trying to live in chaos and embrace a lack of physical control
●​ Having someone confront them about their falsehoods
●​ Observing and enduring unpleasant emotions, instead of acting on them
●​ Cultivating and appreciating the inner observer
●​ Understanding the impact of their behavior on others’ emotions
●​ Identifying irrational beliefs. For example: “I am what I do”
●​ Reformulating them into healthy ones. For example: “I am what I am”
●​ Distinguishing between what they are and what they do
●​ Developing a strong internal frame of reference
●​ Connecting with personal needs
●​ Fostering emotional autonomy
●​ Establishing permeable boundaries between internal and external worlds, as well
as between activities and emotions
●​ Learning to value their inner world
●​ Achieving balance, slowing down obsessive doing
●​ Learning to validate themselves for who they are, not for what they do
●​ Healing from childhood wounds related to not being loved just for who they are
●​ Confronting negative emotions, the shadow, in the form of anger and
aggressiveness
●​ Facing frustration and failure
●​ Making contact with pain
●​ Connecting with healing truth and authenticity
●​ Stopping, pausing, meditating
 ●​ Embracing emptiness
●​ Cultivating anti-mimicry, avoiding blindly copying external models
●​ Building a stable identity reference
●​ Getting in touch with sadness: “What are your eyes saying?”
●​ Learning to manage aggressiveness, “being bad”
●​ Publicly acknowledging their mistakes
●​ Connecting with the love that links us to our essence.

Therapeutic Suggestions for Working with a Social E3:

●​ The patient benefits when the therapist behaves in an authentic and genuine way.
●​ As a therapist, you should be careful not to turn therapy into a project of just getting
results, but instead use it to help the patient become comfortable with being
themselves.
●​ Pointing out inconsistencies in the patient’s communication can be very therapeutic
in the long run.
●​ The patient needs to be told, “Don’t just do something; stand there.”
●​ Confront the patient when necessary.
●​ Embrace the therapeutic strategy of befriending the patient’s dark side.
●​ Prioritize experiential learning and reduce the “mental stuff.”
●​ Incorporate a body-centered approach.

A Biography​
by Gloria Casanovas

I was born in Buenos Aires, the eldest of three sisters. I am now forty-six years old and live
in Italy.

Earliest Memories

I am four or five years old, playing alone. I sense my parents nearby, watching me,
commenting, “How cute, how lovely.” I pretend not to notice and play up the act,
exaggerating gestures and behaviors that seem “lovely” to them. I’m seeking a little more
of what I know is coming: love, mixed with admiration. The more I embody this, the more I
sense it within myself, and the more I convince myself that I am adorable; I am filled with an
intoxicating inner feeling.
A few years later, we stood at the door of my wealthy aunt and uncle’s house. My mom
pinches our cheeks, mine and my sister’s, to make us appear rosier — it hurts. She says,
“Make me look good in front of them.” I know exactly what I need to do: be friendly,
cheerful, well-mannered but a little rebellious. I understand I have to help Mom prove that
living in the suburbs (since we can’t afford to live in the city center) isn’t that bad. We have
a garden and a pool my rich cousins don’t have, and we believe we’re freer and happier,
despite losing the economic status they still possess.

Each time we leave my aunt and uncle’s house, my mom tells me, “You did very well.” I
know precisely what she means: I played the role well, portrayed what needed to be
portrayed, and she is genuinely proud. I too feel proud and a bit like a heroine. “I can do
exactly what is necessary to keep things in place. I’ve satisfied my mother!”

This occurs during visits to relatives, parties, and outings at the club, while at home, I feel
invisible. My dad is preoccupied with his own problems and alcohol; my mom is often
distracted, looking out the window or reading while cooking. I call out to them, but they
don’t respond.

In the afternoons, I play a game where I pretend to be invisible. I walk around the house
doing strange things, testing if they see me — nobody does. They only notice if someone
else is around, or at least that’s the impression I get. In those moments, yes, I am important.
I feel like an object that can either improve, decorate, or ruin the image my parents wish to
project. Only then do they see me, demand from me, and reproach me if I don’t fulfill my
role. I almost always comply. It’s an unspoken pact where I understand that with the
spinster aunt, I must be the good and studious girl; with my friends from the club, the
sporty and carefree one; and with others, I play the strong or pretty one — depending on
the occasion.

I go through life at home understanding that whenever I am truly myself, it’s wrong. If I cry
when I’m sad, take what I want, or speak my mind, it’s always at the wrong time.

I don’t feel supported by my parents. I sense they don’t know how to deal with pain. They
get distressed when I suffer, but I don’t feel comforted. My mom’s arms tremble when she
holds me as I cry. I understand it’s better to hide what I feel because when she gets scared,
I get even more frightened. Putting on a brave face, showing joy, and saying “nothing’s
wrong” calms them and me as well.

“You’re my son,” my dad says with pride when he sees me without fear. “Yes, I am whatever
you want: your son, a brave winner if it makes you happy, and you tell me everything is fine,
that there’s no danger.”
There’s another game I played with others, but without them knowing I was “playing.” I
pretended I was an alien who had accidentally landed in their house, partly to learn about
what kind of people they were. I kept a shelf in my closet with various little jars: some were
empty, which I imagined were filled with air from my planet, and others held water and
sugar, the food from my homeland. I would remember to play at different times of the day,
always when the emotional situation became unbearable.

A specific day comes to mind. We’re having dinner with my parents, sisters, and
grandmothers. They’re arguing — not shouting, but exchanging sharp words. When the
silence comes afterward, the air feels thick enough to cut. I feel unwell, really unwell. I
begin to “play.” I look at them as though they were strange beings. I use an excuse to get up
and go to my room. As I approach the closet, I walk as if I’m about to faint. I open the jar of
air and take a whiff; then I open the jar with water and drink it. I recover: “Thank goodness I
have my provisions.” I returned to the dining room refreshed. This game of pretending
something is different from what it is brings me relief.

During those years, I only felt spontaneous in front of others when I was overwhelmed. At
night, I would cough and cough, a kind of convulsive cough that seemed to come from
nowhere. I believe it was the anguish of feeling alone, of realizing that I didn’t truly matter
to anyone; what mattered was what I could make people believe about me — the image I
could project. I had to make them believe only good things.

At twelve, we played a “game” with my classmates and a catechist: each of us would tell
everyone, one by one, what we didn’t like about the others. It was called “cleansing.”
Confidently, I thought to myself: “No one will say anything mean to me.” When it was my
turn, the barrage of criticisms overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe it! I clearly saw only two
possible reactions: I would either start crying or feign indifference. I looked at everyone. I
had to respond to something. It was an internally overwhelming moment I remember
vividly. I heard myself say, “I don’t care about anything you just told me.” I felt tough, strong,
as though I had a protective metal armor around my body. Internally, though, it felt like
there was a trembling white larvae in my gut. I decided that this larva didn’t exist. I shifted
my awareness from there, focusing instead on my mind, skin, and muscles. Something in
me said it was the perfect solution: deny the unpleasant and invent something better to
replace it. I would make both myself and others believe it. I felt no pain, only a newfound,
almost exhilarating strength.

Sometimes, when I was alone and feeling bored, I played a game I called “advertising.” I
turned whatever I was doing into a commercial. For example, when removing my makeup at
night in front of the mirror, wiping a cotton ball with cream around my eyes, I’d think, in a
voice-over: “With cream X, your skin will be like silk…” Or, while eating ice cream: “Made
with the best natural ingredients…” My eyes would focus on the ice cream as if they were
the camera.

Another game involved imagining I was being filmed while going about my daily activities: I
became the protagonist of a movie. Once again, a voice-over narrated what I was doing: “…
and she boarded the train, gazing languidly out the window…” and I’d genuinely gaze
languidly. At the time, I didn’t question why I did this; it just felt normal. I believe that when
I started to connect with something painful, something “formless” that I feared, describing
the scene from an external perspective served as a way to distance and soothe myself. It
also made for good entertainment.

I spent years hiding what I felt: I denied fear, pain, insecurity, and confusion. I tried to make
everything in me about decisiveness, strength, enthusiasm, and success. Always moving
upward, toward my head, with my diaphragm contracting and clinging to my ribs. Fear
transformed into anger, and anger into control.

For years, I belonged to different groups, and in each one, I played a different, mostly
accepted role: bohemian and transgressive with my Fine Arts peers, refined and aristocratic
in my parents’ world, intellectual and a little tortured with the Gestalt group, and superficial
and materialistic with my office colleagues.

I remember that I couldn’t go to gatherings where people from different groups mixed
because I didn’t know how to behave. These spaces remained entirely separate, with no
possibility of communication, and I felt comfortable and secure in each. It was enough that
they didn’t mix. This was the most natural thing to me, and it never occurred to me to even
question it.

With boyfriends and friends, I was possessive and established a kind of alliance. With men,
who were always seemingly weaker than me, the issue of attention became vital: “You
mustn’t give it to any other woman.” If, by chance, he glanced at someone else at the club
or at the cinema, I was capable of making a scene — not entirely understanding why, but I
was just that desperate. The gaze of a loved one was synonymous with love. I couldn’t lose
it.

I always had an intimate friend to whom I could tell “everything,” and I remember a moment
of clarity where I said to myself, “If I don’t tell V. what’s happening to me, it’s as if it didn’t
happen.” It felt like a friendship bound by an oath: “I protect you, help you, give you
relationship advice, and in return, you look at me, reflect back my positive image, and grant
me a sense of existing.” The roles were clear and fixed.

With people, I was the Zelig of their ideals. As Mina sings in her song, “I am as you want
me.” Like everyone wants me, even if it has to be in a thousand different ways. During the
day, this satisfied me, as though I were an actress on stage receiving applause. At night,
however, I had nightmares, and the most frequent one was that I fell into a void with
nothing to hold onto. When I woke up, I forgot it.

At twenty-one, I lived alone, studied, worked, and began therapy—partly because it was
trendy, and partly because I felt the need for support. Every night, before going to sleep, I
wrote down everything I had done during the day in a detailed list. Remembering each
night what I was “capable” of doing gave me the illusion that I could handle life. My father
used to tell me that life was a struggle, at least that’s how it felt to me. Doing what I
wanted seemed like a way to prevent life from having its way with me—destroying me.

During this period, my body and beauty assumed a prominent role in my life; I felt desired
and accepted. As my insecurities surfaced in therapy, my inner self didn’t look as good. On
the other hand, my exterior had improved. “What is seen (my body) is better than what is
not (emotions and thoughts).” I clung to my external appearance as if it were who I truly
was. I began to think of myself only as a body; it was compulsive, but oddly comforting. “If
you like what I look like, you like all of me because all of me is what you see.”

Walking down the street was an invigorating experience. I began to notice who turned their
head when I passed, and every lingering gaze felt like an internal victory.

At eighteen, I had a nice body, though not as slender as Twiggy, the fashion model. My
mom accompanied me to the doctor to help me lose weight, and they prescribed
amphetamines. I realized that taking them made me feel happier, more effortlessly vibrant,
and the center of attention. I considered these pills my friends and took them, sometimes
off schedule, before going out.

At the club, one group caught my eye. They were like the gods of Olympus. I both envied
and admired them—blonde girls with straight hair (while I was dark with curls), dark-haired
guys with blue eyes. I observed them without being noticed, copying their gestures and
mannerisms in the mirror, even mimicking one of the leader's flaws—she walked with her
feet turned inward! I longed to be part of their circle, not with my friends, who were more
timid, unnoticed, and came from a convent school. I still remember moments when, looking
at them, the desire to belong “there” was as intense as rejecting my current place. The
exclusion felt like an active rejection, even though they didn’t even know me. In those
moments, I made a silent promise to myself that one day, I would be among those who
mattered.

M. stood out in the group—handsome, uninhibited, a bit cocky. Every night, I went to bed an
hour earlier to “think.” I meticulously constructed a scenario where M. fell in love with me,
thinking about it with unwavering consistency and relishing it as if it were true. When I saw
my sister with her eyes closed in bed, I was convinced she was also “thinking” about what
she wanted to happen. I thought that everyone did it before sleeping.

Some time passed, and the scene actually took place, similar to the one I had imagined. I
decided that I had discovered a new technique: every time I wanted something in the future,
I’d think about it, and it would happen. I felt incredibly powerful, like someone capable of
mastering anything, a “queen” because M. had chosen me.

We were engaged for several years, in a relationship that had two sides: private and public.
In private, I felt natural with him; we loved each other, we fought, we had fun, and we
suffered. Sometimes we would gaze at each other in silence, and the ecstasy we
experienced was in seeing our wonderful reflections in each other’s eyes. My heart would
open, and I felt strength swell in my chest. Now, I call it love.

However, in public, it was the epitome of a show. During that time, my tendency to observe
myself from an external perspective intensified, especially in the streets, when I reveled in
what I saw when I was with him. M. was ideal for my picture-perfect image. I imagined that
everyone regarded us with admiring eyes—even during rugby games! I was posing, just in
case.

Five years later, I decided to end the relationship because “together, we weren’t the best.”
M. wasn’t studying or working; he continued charming everyone and wandering around.
Even though I loved him and understood him, I felt an incredibly strong internal and
external pressure to leave him. I couldn’t tolerate “his” failure. It wasn’t until seven years
later that I cried for the pain that breakup had caused me—a pain I hadn’t been consciously
aware of at the time.

Río Abierto

At twenty-eight, I joined Río Abierto, a school focused on inner development through

bodywork. I felt fluid and ready to dance. In the beginning, I imagined approving looks
following me, but a new world also opened up: a social landscape where I met diverse
people with different values. I was puzzled, unsure of which persona would be accepted.
This marked a more conscious phase than before.

At that point, I already felt like a failure, even though I didn’t want to admit it. I had studied
Fine Arts with the dream of becoming a great artist, but it wasn’t happening. Most of my
childhood friends were already married with children, while I was still single. I could no
longer “pretend that everything was fine” so easily.
One of the most liberating aspects of entering Río Abierto was realizing that being married
and supported by a man no longer seemed as appealing to me as it once had.

I quickly started gaining weight, eating without restraint, as if swallowing everything I had
forbidden myself for the sake of a good figure. My body transformed, and I gained ten kilos.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a stranger. I hated myself. Severe acne also began.
One day, in the height of desperation, I counted the boils on my face: thirty-two.

I started losing teaching jobs at several schools. I could barely afford rent and the training
course at Río Abierto, which became the center of my life in the following years. I hardly
had enough money for food; my new friends helped me out.

While crying out all the tears I’d bottled up, I came face to face with the fear, insecurity,
dependency, and pain I had been hiding. There were long periods where I felt like I was
dying.

The people from my “before” days didn’t recognize me. “Where is my Claudia?” lamented
my mother, and I was filled with despair. Everything crumbled. It hit me: “I am losing
everything.” When María Adela (the director of Río Abierto) told me that I was going
through “the dark night of the soul,” it resonated deeply. Everything was slipping through
my fingers. I had nothing to hold onto. I was utterly powerless.

One day, during the peak of this inner turmoil, I heard these words during meditation: “Man
helps man.” At first, I assumed it was the radio, since I was alone in the room. But again, the
phrase echoed in my mind: “Man helps man.” My heart told me it was true—that someone
was helping me grow and get through this tough stage. It was the beginning of a newfound
trust.

Thus began a phase where I began sensing energy, feeling an inner guide, and having
experiences—whether in dreams or while awake—that unveiled a new, expansive, and
subtle realm: the transpersonal. I discussed each experience with María Adela, and her
guidance became the scaffolding for an internal explosion that I doubt I could have
navigated alone.

I remember those four years as ones of loss and discovery. I relinquished, with intense pain,
what was dearest to me until then: the pillars that had supported me internally—beauty,
wealth, approval, and, above all, the notion, “I am strong, I can handle it, the world is within
my grasp. I don’t suffer.”

On the other hand, I welcomed and explored these new planes of consciousness,
happiness, and light that I had never before fathomed. In fact, I called it “the new world.”
I started reading psycho-spiritual books, changed my diet, and practiced meditation. I also
did a lot of movement work and group therapy. All of it felt like an internal revolution that
swept away everything.

I yearned for it with every fiber of my being. Something inside me couldn’t bear the level of
falsehood in which I had been living, and I surrendered.

One day, during meditation, I stumbled upon “what I am,” so to speak. And what I
am—what we are—transcends the bounds of time and space. That’s my reality.

It was the turning point in my life. From that moment on, even though everything appeared
the same on the surface, nothing ever felt the same again. It was like I declared, “I know
who I am.” Although at an existential level, I continued to despair, there was another level
that always coexisted with the tangible manifestation. At that fundamental level, I was
something that eluded visibility; it can only be described as Being.

Life took on a new direction: figuring out how to blend these two levels that seemed so
distant from each other.

Then another illusion gripped me: “I’m there, or almost there! The worst is over. From now
on, everything will be easy.”

After a period of “grace,” which lasted more than a year following the realization of “being,”
the encounter with exclusion, loneliness, and existential anguish stemming from separation
became nearly constant for me.

Over the next two years, I lived through the hell of my personality, where the agony of
losing the mask that had once “saved” me made the experience of separation even worse.
This pain manifested in various forms: the severing of the umbilical cord, the loss of contact
with the soul and all that is genuine, internal isolation, and the detachment from everything
essential. It seemed to me that this separation was the root cause of all subsequent
turmoil—the mask, the self-deception. Indeed, the pain of separation had been so
excruciating that I had to dissociate from it to survive and cover it up with something else,
regardless of its falseness.

Scenes from my childhood flashed before my eyes: night cough filled with images of evil
entities forcing me out of the house, leading me to the conclusion: “It must be because of
my wickedness.” I remember the Christmas letter to Santa: to become good. I yearned to be
good but couldn’t. There was a moment when I concluded that I could never be “good,” but
what I could do was fight to prevent the punishment I believed I deserved from coming.

Let me share a snippet from my diary during those early years at Río Abierto—my
revelations:
I can’t figure out “how to be.” I am overtaken by a self that I am not, then another that I’m
not either, and so it goes all day. I can’t find something more stable to anchor myself. I feel
manipulated by internal forces. And to think, I believed it was me controlling them!

They praise me. For the first time, I realize that being praised or criticized doesn’t change
anything about who I am. Another person’s opinion may make me happy or unhappy, but I
don’t change. I don’t become better or worse based on what others say!

I seek myself through others. The other person is crucial, not for who they are, but because
in their eyes, I find my own reflection. Seeing myself mirrored there validates my existence.
If I don’t have two eyes reflecting me, I die.

There’s an impulse to confess what I had previously denied—the most humiliating things,
what I never wanted anyone to know. Strangely, now it has become a form of liberation. If
they stay with me and love me, it should be for who I am, not because I’ve cut myself into
little pieces and shown only the most acceptable parts.

I can’t help but do what the other person wants. It’s frustrating. Today, while talking to R., I
noticed she manipulates the conversation so I admire her, praise her. In a moment of pause,
I sense her unspoken request, and I hear myself saying, “You were great.”

I revisit a scene where I see my mother’s lack of love. I implore her, “What do I have to do to
make you love me?” I feel I’m willing to do anything for it, to be and do whatever she wants,
without limits.

My struggle revolves around prestige. Perhaps, when nobody loves me and everyone
despises me, I’ll find my center.

The most important thing for me is the connection with the body and movement. The body
doesn’t lie. It helps me unmask myself in front of my own eyes. It’s so decisive…finally!

All the old pain resurfaced intensely at first, and then gradually subsided, as if it had
exhausted itself. I found myself interested in life outside again; the first cycle of my inner
work had been completed.

In Buenos Aires, I met my future husband. With Enzo, I moved to Italy, his home country.
There, we opened a Río Abierto center in Naples together.

In the years that followed, I found myself falling into another self-deception, one that
shaped itself around a different theme. It was once again linked to a sense of
omnipotence—no longer grounded in ideas of beauty and emotional detachment, but in the
belief that “I will save the world, I have a mission, I am someone important, special.” This
manifestation of vanity and self-importance became more internalized.
Other personality traits began to surface: hyperactivity, efficiency, speed, the ability to sell
and market myself, fear of failure, an iron will to succeed, along with anxiety and a need for
control

The Enneagram

When I encountered the Enneagram, I had been living in Italy for seven years. The Río
Abierto Institute we had founded had expanded significantly; our proposals were widely
accepted, and I had more work than I could handle.

Motherhood plunged me into the greatest conflict I had ever faced. On one hand, there was
the love for the tangible, my daughter; moments of transcending the self and connecting
with her on a profound level. On the other hand, there was the internal pressure to work, to
bear the responsibility of my professional creation, to continue succeeding. Here’s an
excerpt from my diary from that time:

"Río Abierto is my first child, and Carolina, my second. I hear the cries, the needs of R.A.,
and I fear it will wither if I don’t nurture it, and that it won’t nourish me anymore.
Meanwhile, Carolina wants my presence, milk, and companionship. Sometimes I go back
and forth three or four times a day to the institute. I breastfeed, leave her asleep, rush to the
institute, give a class, return, breastfeed her, go back to the institute, give a massage, go
back home. And so, every day for almost a year. I feel incredibly tired and desperate, but I
don’t give up. I tried to juggle both, even at the cost of my other needs, such as peace, rest,
friendships, or pleasure."

Undoubtedly, I prioritized work over the relationship. When Enzo demanded my presence, it
seemed unjust to me: “Can’t you see I’m at my limit, trying to do everything right?”

Amidst all this, I encountered the Enneagram.

When Claudio Naranjo described the E3 type, I started to feel afraid. I contracted, discreetly
scanning the room, frightened. People seemed at ease, occasionally laughing at his
descriptions of the traits. I didn’t laugh.

My anxiety intensified; it felt as if he was speaking directly to me, making fun of me. I felt
like crying, drowned in intense shame. “It’s true, I’m exactly like that,” I thought to myself. It
was as though the entire group knew it was about me, and I wanted to disappear. Logic
told me that hardly anyone knew me, but the desire to vanish was overwhelming. My
frustration turned to anger at Claudio: “How dare he speak this way? This is a secret; no
one should know! My motivations, my deepest desires, shouldn’t be revealed.” I realized
how effectively I had concealed them, even from myself, how I had dressed them up in
noble causes and missions.

Before he finished speaking, I felt a pain settle in—a deep one I hadn’t experienced in a long
time: the pain of realizing the loss of Self and witnessing the entire structure that had
masked its reality.

For me, Self was what I had discovered years ago. But what I had never seen was what I
replaced it with in my consciousness: every other self, each with a lowercase "s,"
unwittingly swapped for the capital “S” Self. While I had glimpsed fragments of this before,
they hadn’t connected or formed that living structure—living or dead, if by "dead" I mean
the inertia of movement.

When my turn came to speak, I proudly announced, “I’m a Three!” And I felt certain I wasn’t
wrong. This certainty elevated me above others, who appeared unsure, offering me
consolation in my desolation.

During a discussion among the Threes, the surprise grew. Countless small details of our
daily lives coincided, particularly in the inner experiences that accompanied them. It was
like encountering beings of the same species and fur, where recognizing identical miseries
wasn’t humiliating but rather comforting.

Returning home, I was enthusiastic about what I had discovered, but soon, unexpected
effects replaced that enthusiasm. Given the not-so-honorable motivation behind my
charitable actions—seeking attention and admiration—they lost all their meaning. If all the
efforts spent organizing workshops, trips, and conferences were only to shine, to have an
audience that flattered me, not driven by my “will to serve,” what good was that? I felt
weak and desireless, apathetic.

Sometimes I found myself sitting on the bed, unable to find a valid reason to do what I once
did happily. And it wasn’t because everything was going wrong—because I was fat, ugly,
and poor like in my youth—but because I couldn’t identify anything of value that truly
moved me. For a while, I felt dull, tired, and disillusioned, especially with myself.

I remember that during this time, Enzo and I grew closer. In our relationship, I felt like I had
found something more real. I also felt a greater connection to people and their needs—not
as a savior but as a companion in shared misfortune.

A kind of compassion emerged in me, a sense of being in the same boat, which I hadn’t
experienced before except in moments of grace. I felt I was getting closer to people.
After a while, energy began to stir again, as if I had assimilated and digested a part of what
I had discovered. I continued to scrutinize my behavior in this newfound light. A diary entry
from that period:

"Claudio spoke about the E3’s compulsive desire for success and the fear of failure. I see
that in my case, this fear is particularly strong, especially the terror that others will perceive
my shortcomings. Today, I was about to begin my movement classes. Very few students
showed up. I felt anxious, glancing out the classroom window, sensing my significance and
value plummeting within me. My attention didn’t dwell on this; it anxiously focused on
ensuring that no other instructor ‘realized my class was empty,’ and that passing students
from other classes wouldn’t notice."

Deep down, it wasn’t just about failing; it was the fear of others discovering my "failure."
The unbearable aspect was the image of being labeled a failure!

I became very critical of my need to be seen and acknowledged. I recognized it as an

addiction, a drug without which I darkened and shrank. When showered with compliments,
I felt embarrassed, never fully accepting them, feeling guilty for manipulating to receive
them, believing I didn’t truly deserve them.

I seduce and regret, ask, receive, and then reject. I feel trapped, unable to escape. Perhaps
fully accepting appreciation and recognition, without inventing false modesty at the last
moment, is a possible solution.

One day, at the end of a workshop on the topic of the masculine and feminine, people
started applauding, and the men decided to lift me up. It had never happened to me before.
Something inside told me to just accept it, that I had sought nothing but this in my life, and
that it was time to embrace it. It felt like an inner apotheosis, and bursts of happiness
flooded my heart. Something was set free, and as they lowered me and my feet touched
the ground, I felt a strong sense of rebirth, as if something had normalized within me. For
the first time, on one level, I felt content. There was no more emptiness. And this time,
without contempt, boredom, or falsehood, I said, “It’s okay; I don’t want more.”

This experience, as the culmination of a process, signified a profound change.

A whole year passed from the first level of the Enneagram to the second. I believe it was
during this second encounter, when we delved into subtypes, that I emerged as a Social E3.

Prestige
Claudio assigned us an exercise to do in pairs: to look back in our consciousness, allowing
familiar scenes to surface. In my case, scenes where maintaining prestige became
burdensome. These would later be "cleansed" with a special technique.

The first scene happened that very day: We were in the dining room, Claudio entered, and I
felt joy seeing him, wanting to greet him. I suppressed it, walked past him as if I hadn’t
noticed, and sat at a distant table. I chatted with people, but I wasn’t really present; my
focus was on Claudio. During the exercise, I realized how much I wanted to cry at that
moment.

As I went back in time, the scenes, with variations in place and characters, all resembled
each other. They had in common the concealment of my true feelings, especially if it meant
descending from an imaginary pedestal to simple joy, common fear, or pain.

I remembered, on the journey back, a moment when I gave up sharing my pain and made an
oath about it. I must have been seven or eight years old. I had developed a fear of the end
of the world. At night, I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop crying. I knew everything was
going to end, that we were all going to disappear. I think it was some kind of awareness of
impermanence, or something like that. First, my parents tried to console me by telling me it
wasn’t as I believed. But I was certain it was! Then they started getting angry and took me
outside: "Now cry if you want!" Terrified, I banged on the door, screaming until they
relented and let me in. They brought me inside, saying, "What will the neighbors say?"

That night, lying in bed, I vowed to never again reveal my fears because the consequences
were atrocious, and no one would endure my pain; I could only expect rejection. I also
inferred, recalling the terror it stirred in me, that they had brought me in because "What will
the neighbors say?" Otherwise, they might have left me outside all night.

The next aspect of dealing with pain was deciding that, if I couldn’t express it, I shouldn’t
acknowledge it either. As a child, I worried that everything “shows on me.” On one hand,
my mother didn’t see me, but on the other, it seemed to me that she strongly reacted to my
feelings and actions. She would get angry, get depressed, or withdraw. I fantasized that she
could read my mind, that she could “guess” what I was going through. I made a conscious
effort to conceal anything that could pose a problem and only show triumph, enthusiasm,
joy, and even anger—since it was associated with strength and respectability. I think it was
the only negative emotion I allowed myself to feel.

Returning to the exercise on prestige and those scenes, the last one, whether symbolic or
not, transcends time: I am a woman being stoned to death. Filled with hatred, I don’t ask for
forgiveness or mercy, but shout my revenge. Hidden are the underlying feelings of
impotence, physical pain, and the desire to plead for clemency. When I cleanse the scene of
this burden, I feel a deep sense of peace, freeing me from the obligation to hide behind a
mask. I experience beatitude that arises from forgiveness. After a few minutes, I feel my
ovaries begin to throb, as if coming back to life. Faint, yet deep, I feel their rebirth.

The energetic transformation of my ovaries opened the door to a slow process of

rediscovering my sexuality—not affirmatively, as a means of transgression or because “it’s
good to be passionate,” as before, but more intimately, deeply.

Fear of Life/Control

My parents were dignified and respectable, refined and quite cultured. The house was
bright, with a garden; the swimming pool filled with friends in the summer. We, the
daughters, were beautiful and vital. Behind this image, which seemed “ideal” to me for
many years, there were shadows and pains that took me a long time in therapy to
recognize. Even though I had suffered intensely, it was as if I hadn’t realized the suffering.

I remember playing at night when I heard the key turning in the front door. It was my dad,
coming home from work. I ran happily to greet him. I had been waiting for him all day
because, for a long time, he was the only one who loved me. He was drunk. Mom looked at
him with contempt, and the ice set in. I loved him, but now I was also afraid to approach
him. Besides, if I did, Mom would hate me even more. I didn’t know what to do. Everything
was falling apart. The support I expected didn’t appear; instead, it turned into its opposite. I
felt like I was without solid ground beneath my feet.

After repeatedly going through this experience, I remember deciding that there was nothing
worse than “being disappointed”—expecting something “good” and it not happening. That
being open, calm, and defenseless, only to have a shock in that vulnerable state, was
something I needed to avoid.

I began, later on, to look down on him too and freeze when the sound of the key signaled
his arrival. If he hadn’t been drinking, everything was joyous; we ate, made jokes, and Mom
was happy. I heard them chatting in the kitchen until late. I think they loved each other. But
if he was drunk, everything became painful and incomprehensible. My father, who was
generally tender and affectionate, reproached us for a thousand things we didn’t
understand, and a struggle would ensue where we, the daughters, acted as intermediaries
between his desire to keep drinking and my mother’s attempts to prevent it. I learned to be
“on guard” as soon as it started to get dark, expecting the worst. And the worst was my
father returning drunk. There was nothing I could do about it. I was utterly powerless and
at the mercy of it. The only thing I could do was be “prepared” for the blow, so it didn’t hurt
me as much. The next day, I knew that my father would apologize to us, and that hurt me. It
seemed unfair that he had to humiliate himself before us.
On the other hand, my mother lived oppressed, whether by all the women in my father’s
family (we lived with my grandmother and great-grandmother for a while) or by herself.
She had respiratory collapses, where she would fall to the ground, purple, with her arms
and hands paralyzed. I would run to the nearby hospital to get a doctor, terrified, praying
she wouldn’t die. They would give her a sedative injection, and she would relax. There too,
the worst part was the unpredictability of the experience. It seemed to me that just a
moment before, my mom had been watering her plants peacefully, and everything had
been harmonious. The impression was that everything could change from one moment to
the next, not only without me having done anything to make it happen but also that I had to
be ready to resolve it. My mom always thanked me for “saving” her. And I felt good thinking
it was true, proud to have helped her.

I associate this type of experience with the fear of life, and above all, of what happens
without my knowledge. I have to know, to follow events so that, at least, I can handle “the
catastrophe that will surely come” as best as possible.

In all of this, the one who was spared and always seemed calm was my
great-grandmother. An elderly woman with a wise appearance, always surrounded by her
books and translations, she would tell me, “Nothing in excess, Claudia. It’s the key to life.” It
seemed to me that she was right, that the reason for my parents’ madness was their lack of
self-control. I never considered that my father’s excesses with alcohol and my mother’s
seizures were merely escape valves or inevitable overflows.

It surprised me when Claudio told me, during the third Enneagram encounter, “You are less
controlled.” It was the topic I had paid the least attention to, one I wasn’t ready to confront
before. Control had become “meat of my flesh,” and the fear of truly letting myself be free
was immense. I had internalized that everything spontaneous, instinctive, and natural was a
monster to be locked up. Hence, somatic work and free, expressive movement became like
a panacea—something that continues to offer joyful healing.

How has control manifested in my life? One form is always having to know what I want or,
at the very least, believing that I do. I’ve spent much of my time trying to achieve this,
inventing strategies to keep everything under my “dominion.” I think the powerlessness I
felt as a child was so great that I needed to tell myself and believe that I could control
everything, that things happened because I planned them and wanted them that way. Of
course, this view has been revealed to me as false, but only now am I beginning to fully
realize how little depends on me. I’m also learning to discern where the power of action and
transformation is real and where it is merely illusory and compensatory. If such power
exists!
Fifteen years later

It has been fifteen years since I wrote these lines, and I’d like to briefly describe what has
been happening internally during this time: what has changed, what hasn’t, and the path I
have walked.

Undoubtedly, the core of my character remains the same. This foundation I described earlier
is what stirs when I am afraid. And it is precisely fear that has been calming down.

In a moment of synthesis, I would say that this life has mainly served to work on “trust.” I
was born with essential trust, but I lost it. That loss created the desire for reunion and the
aspiration to develop it throughout my life. And that trust has always been put to the test.
The test was simply trusting life, reaching the point where, “whatever happens”—pleasant
or unpleasant, easy or difficult—I would not doubt that life is “good,” that God is good, and
that I am.

It seems to me that this “essential goodness” I now perceive, and upon which I can lean, has
been a guiding star for me. It is a point toward which my search unknowingly oriented itself.
This star attracts me, and at the same time, moves away—a magnetic point that propels my
journey. In my case, it relates to trust, which arises from discovering the divine goodness in
manifestation.

To discover this goodness, the setbacks I faced over these years served me well. They
helped me realize that, despite them, Life has a harmonizing force—a wisdom that orders,
creates, dissolves, and pushes toward fulfillment. It’s in my favor, not against me, as I had
believed for so long.

What happened in these fifteen years:

At the age of forty-six, I began attending week-long silent retreats with Claudio. These
retreats, four in a row, one each year, provided me with an inner impulse for spiritual
growth that changed my life once again, in a profound way. On one hand, I had experiences
of unknown and essential inner levels during the retreat, encountering the transpersonal in
a new way. And then, there was an effect that extended and deepened throughout the
year—thanks to daily meditation and the attempt to be present in the moment. This
practice has not left me since.

Meditation, prayer, and silence became spiritual practices that grew in space and
importance in my life. Initially, they felt like efforts and duties, simply things I thought were
“good,” so I tried to implement them. I often appreciated the discipline of sitting and
meditating, experiencing moments of happiness, peace, silence, or connection with myself.
During this time, the tenacity, self-control, effort, and obedience of my Enneagram type
served me well.

Then, it ceased to be something self-imposed and began to respond to a need: the need to
pause. These became the only moments where I stopped being active, where stillness
began to feel nourishing rather than a waste of time or a threat.

Later, it evolved into a practice that was no longer just formal, i.e., “sitting to meditate,” but
integrated into life itself—a sense of Presence where there once was a feeling of emptiness
or anxious absence.

Working with others also changed, focusing more on creating spaces where meditation and
our inner, silent presence could be encountered. This has become the most interesting
aspect for me. Being alone and in silence during the day also became, not just an imperative
need for self-discovery, but the pleasure of savoring another dimension within life itself.

In fact, it was after those retreats, where Claudio accompanied me with profound wisdom
and generosity, that I felt, for the first time in my life, the desire to walk
alone—accompanied by this trust I’ve spoken of, awakening internally as a guide.

During these years, I faced difficulties again with my body and work—the two areas where I
seem to flow best, but also where all obstacles arise for me, more than in personal
relationships, for example. Laden with expectations, this is where I strive, demand from
myself, and where I tire and get sick.

A few years ago, I decided that the only solution to avoid being consumed by work was to
set a limit on the quantity. It was difficult for me, as it felt like rejecting something precious.
Having free spaces frightened me, as if they were the prelude to abandonment, emptiness,
forgetfulness, and failure.

Along with this reduction in activity, my husband and I moved to the countryside. A small
house we had bought for vacations turned out to be the necessary space for this change.
During the week, we stay here, and on weekends, I go to work outside—not every
weekend!

Nature has become, and still is, my teacher, healer, haven, and fundamental nourishment.
Everything is so natural, simple, and honest—without a mask, direct. And there, in nature,
I’ve realized that human beings are also “nature”—essentially pure and capable of flowing
again like trees, plants, or small animals in the forest.
The feeling of unity, which I thought would be easier to find with humans in intense or
loving situations, has been easier for me to find in nature, a place I hadn’t been drawn to
before. I realized that alienating myself from nature was also disconnecting me from myself
and my body. It’s as if the elements of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water in the body find their
harmony in the forest, more than in human groups.

Until a few years ago, a person was incredibly more significant to me than a tree. It still is,
but not as much anymore, and the tree, the lizard, the little flower, are starting to become
understandable and close to me.

Friendship has taken on greater importance in recent years. Even inner work happens a lot
through dialogues and conversations with friends—philosophical elaborations or
supporting each other through the difficulties encountered in life.

So, for a few years now, I feel that something inside me has calmed down. I’m not sure if it’s
the nervous system, but there’s a sense of descent—a slowing down. Life is pleasant, “it
treats me well,” and maybe I’ve learned to listen to it and be a bit gentler with it.

In my love relationship, living alone here is where love has taken up space and flows more
easily.

In general, I’m starting to accept character differences in relationships and see them as
richness. But this still requires effort.

What else can I say? In all the “good” that has happened, I still feel that what disrupts
arises from deep within, and what disturbs me is fear. Always fear. And now, it’s more
focused on the “fear of making a mistake.” As if this work with trust were not yet complete,
as if there were no surrender to the process that I imagine could happen. And it remains my
guiding north.

The difference is that now, in addition to fear, I perceive an open inner space where that fear
can dissolve—much like a cloud dissolves in the air. Sometimes it’s harder, sometimes
easier, but its consistency has undoubtedly changed. It’s no longer frightening.