Reflecting on My True Self

When I think about my true self, I realize that it is not something that stays the same. My identity
changes with time, shaped by my experiences and the people around me. I have always been someone
who questions big things, like if God exists or what is the meaning of life. For me, the true self is
something that grows as I go through life. This idea connects with John Locke and Gilbert Ryle, whose
thoughts helped me understand myself better.

As a kid, I was really curious. I always asked questions about everything, like whether God is real or not.
As I grew older, I started to become an atheist because I felt there were many contradictions in the Bible
and I could not make sense of God. But recently, I started to believe in God again, thanks to my
girlfriend, April Quintanilla, and a quote I heard: “Rational people should believe in God because if
you're right, you'll gain everything, and if you're wrong, you'll lose nothing.” This made me think that
believing in God would not hurt me, so I just believe now.

In this essay, I will talk about how John Locke and Gilbert Ryle’s ideas shaped how I see myself. Their
belief that the self comes from experiences and actions makes a lot of sense to me. I will also talk about
moments in my life when I felt far from my true self and how I tried to get back to being me.

For me, being my true self means being honest about who I am in the moment, even if I keep changing. I
have had times when I felt like myself and other times when I felt lost. One of the hardest times in my
life was during the pandemic in 2020. Before the pandemic, I was happy, always positive, and I
motivated other people. I was also innocent about adult things. But when the pandemic hit, everything
changed.

We had to leave Cavite because we couldn’t afford to stay there anymore. My family moved to Albay,
and I felt like my whole life was upside down. We faced many financial problems, and I lost my aunt to
cancer and my great-grandfather. I was also doing poorly in school, which was hard because I had
always been an achiever. Everything felt wrong, and I started to feel like I was not myself anymore.

At one point, I even thought about ending my life. I had a rope and a chair ready, but I stopped and
asked myself, “What am I doing? Will this solve anything?” That moment made me realize that I still
wanted to live and find my purpose. So, I stepped down and cried instead. Even though I was angry and
hated everything, I chose to keep going because I believed there was more for me to discover in life.

This time in my life made me understand John Locke’s philosophy even more. Locke said that “the self is
a product of sensory experience,” which means that everything we go through shapes who we are. My
experiences during the pandemic made me stronger. Even though it was a tough time, it helped me
become who I am today. I would not have the strength or self-awareness I have now if I didn’t go
through all of those challenges.

Locke’s idea also reminds me of my childhood friendship with Karylle D. Ello. She was my friend from
kindergarten, and she taught me a lot about myself. Like most kids, I was a bit selfish, but Karylle helped
me think about other people and reflect on who I was. She played a big role in helping me understand
that the people around us shape who we are.

I also really connect with Gilbert Ryle’s view of the self. Ryle said that “the self is the product of our own
actions.” This means that who we are is not about some hidden soul or essence, but about what we do.
This idea fits with one of my favorite quotes from Batman: “It is not who I am underneath but what I do
that defines me.” We can think about being a good person all we want, but it is what we actually do that
shows who we are.

This became clear to me during the pandemic. Even though I was filled with negative emotions, I made
the decision to keep going. That choice, more than anything else, defined who I was during that time.

But I also feel distant from my true self when I am not acting based on what I already learned. For
example, I keep hurting my girlfriend with things I promised I would stop doing, and I hate myself for
that. I know I can be better, but sometimes I feel like I am letting myself down.

Being aware of myself has always been a big part of how I understand my true self. I have always
noticed the changes in me and thought about why I feel or act a certain way. This awareness helps me
see that my identity is not fixed; it keeps changing based on what I experience, what I do, and how I
think.

Understanding the unconscious mind is also important. Sometimes, there are parts of myself that I am
not fully aware of, but they still affect who I am. By looking into these hidden parts of me, I can
understand myself better and know why I am the way I am.

The current factors shaping my true self are my family, my relatives, my friends, my girlfriend, and my
academic career at Bicol University. Studying at a state university, especially one of the best in Bicol, is
really hard. There is a lot of pressure, and it gets harder every day, especially since I also help out in a
canteen. I feel like I have a job because when there are no classes, I am washing dishes. It takes me 30
minutes to finish washing one batch of plates because there are so many. Balancing my work and
studies is tough, but it is testing me, and I will keep pushing myself because I still want to become rich
one day.

I feel like I am showing my true self when I am helping my friends because I really like to help them. I
always want to support my friends, whether in school or with life problems. I also feel like I am my true
self when I am with my girlfriend. With her, I do not fear being judged, and I can show her everything
about me. She loves me for who I am, even when I am being childish. She helps me heal my inner child,
and I tell her everything I have done. With her, I am true to my feelings and emotions.

Sometimes I wonder, is there really a true self? Or are we just continuing to evolve and be who we are
at the moment? Maybe being our true self means knowing how we will act in certain situations and
being real with ourselves. I think it is okay to be uncertain about who I am because the self is always
changing. I embrace this uncertainty because it is part of my experience, and experiences build my true
self.
I also believe in the idea of the true self because having self-awareness and reflecting on myself has
helped me shape my identity. When I was a child, I was self-centered, and after hurting my friend, I
became more aware of others. That was when I started to build an ideal self because I did not want to
hurt people anymore. I grew from that experience and became more responsible, aware of who I am,
and what I should change to become better.

I also like Sigmund Freud’s defense mechanisms because I see them in myself. For example, I use
reaction formation a lot. I don’t want to burden others with my problems, so when I am stressed, I keep
it to myself. I lie to others about how I feel, and I keep smiling even when I am tired of everything. I also
use sublimation because I love playing puzzles or games when I am stressed. It helps me forget my
problems and enjoy myself.

Another idea I connect with is Paul Churchland’s eliminative materialism. Since I was an atheist for many
years, I used to believe that if you cannot sense God with your five senses, then God does not exist. This
idea fit well with my past beliefs. But now, I think differently. Like I said, believing in God does not hurt
me, so I continue to believe.

Looking back, the pandemic made me feel disconnected from my true self, but it also helped me grow.
Meeting April brought colors back into my life, and she helped me see the world in a new way. I know
now that my journey to finding my true self is ongoing, but John Locke and Gilbert Ryle’s ideas have
helped me understand who I am. The self is not fixed; it changes with time and experiences, and that is
okay. Even when it is hard, I know that I have the tools to keep growing and becoming better.