Welcome. My name is Natasha Sherman, and I am your host. Today, my guest is Dr.

Lisa Dore,
a clinical psychologist who directs the Laurel School Center for Research on Girls. She
maintains a private psychotherapy practice, consults and speaks internationally, and is a clinical
instructor at Case Western Reserve University. Dr. Dore also writes a monthly column on
adolescence in the Well section of the New York Times and is the author of the bestseller
*Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood*. We will be
discussing her book today.

Lisa, thank you for being here. I’m so happy you’re here. My children are past adolescence and
were boys, but I understand the challenges of adolescence in any case. I read your book, and
it’s so rich with information—ideas, solutions, and practical things to think about and do. Today,
we’ll just share some sound bites to give people a sense of what you have to offer.

One thing that struck me is how we often describe teenage years, particularly with girls, as
hormonally driven, believing that hormonal shifts are the main cause of their behavior. You
emphasize instead that during adolescence, the brain undergoes dramatic remodeling. The
changes in a daughter’s brain and the events she experiences are more likely to influence her
mood than hormonal shifts. Could you elaborate on that?

Certainly. As our understanding of brain development has evolved, we now know that the brain
remodels extensively during adolescence, specifically from back to front. The emotion centers,
located in the back of the brain, develop and upgrade before the control centers in the front.
This means that the parts of the brain responsible for processing emotions and reacting to
stimuli are more reactive and mature earlier, while the areas that help regulate emotions and
maintain perspective are still developing. As a result, teenagers often have powerful emotional
responses and can seem irrational because their emotional reaction centers are fully online,
whereas their regulation centers are not. Once they calm down, they can regain perspective,
which explains why they sometimes seem like they’ve lost their minds temporarily.

This neurological perspective is helpful because it makes sense to both parents and teenagers.
Explaining that these changes are biological and not just hormonal helps everyone understand
that it’s a natural part of development. When teenagers understand that their brains are
remodeling, they feel less crazy, and parents can feel more compassionate. Moreover, talking
about brain development is more accurate and more helpful than focusing solely on hormones,
which can feel dismissive or unhelpful. It also provides a framework for guiding teenagers
patiently through this period, acknowledging that these emotional reactions are rooted in brain
architecture and will improve over time.

That’s a great point. It’s also reassuring for parents to realize that these intense reactions are
neurological rather than personal failures. And it’s interesting how framing it in terms of brain
development rather than hormones also helps teenagers feel less crazy themselves, which can
reduce their anxiety.
Exactly. It’s about giving them a biological explanation that makes sense. When I discuss this
with teenagers, they often respond with relief—they get it. They understand that their feelings
are real but that their control centers are still maturing. This perspective enables us to guide
them with patience instead of frustration.

And it’s not that parents should just sit back and do nothing; we still need to guide and set
boundaries. But understanding the neurological basis provides some breathing room and
reduces the tendency to overreact to their emotional outbursts. A key strategy is to avoid
overreacting ourselves, because when parents panic or get upset, it can escalate the situation.
Instead, we can remember that their reactions are part of brain development, and our calmness
can help de-escalate.

Absolutely. One of the best things we can do is to avoid overreacting to a girl’s overreaction.
When adults get overly upset or frightened, it can make her feel that her feelings are out of
control, which may reinforce her sense of chaos. Instead, staying calm and reassuring her that
her feelings are valid but that she’s safe helps her feel less crazy and more in control. A useful
phrase is, “Is there anything I can do that won’t make this worse?” It communicates
understanding and offers support without adding fuel to the fire.

Yes, that phrase is very helpful. It acknowledges the intensity of their feelings and shows a
willingness to help without escalating the situation. It also gives teenagers some space to own
their emotions. I’ve also heard about the concept of emotional independence—allowing
teenagers to own their emotional space without being dragged into it. That’s a helpful idea
because as parents, we often want to fix or stop their feelings, but sometimes the best we can
do is to allow them to own that emotional process.

Exactly. Allowing teenagers to own their emotional real estate means giving them space to
experience and express their emotions without us taking over or trying to control them.
Sometimes, just asking, “Is there anything I can do that won’t make this worse?” helps them feel
supported and understood. It also gives us some breathing room and prevents us from
overreacting.

Another aspect you mention is that teenagers tend to push against boundaries more than
younger children, especially during adolescence. This is natural, and it doesn’t mean we have to
give in all the time. Instead, boundaries serve a purpose—they help teenagers develop
self-regulation and independence. A story I often share from my practice involves a girl who told
me her mother buys her beer. When I asked if that’s cool or weird, she admitted it was really
weird. Sometimes, teenagers feel like they’re out of control because they see adults acting
unpredictably or breaking rules, which can seem unfair or confusing to them.

That’s a good point. It’s important for parents to remember that teenagers are testing limits to
gain independence and understand their boundaries. They need us to be consistent and firm,
but also to acknowledge that pushing back is normal. It’s about finding a balance where
boundaries are clear, but teenagers also feel trusted and supported.
Absolutely. And it’s helpful for parents to remember that teenagers often feel they are the ones
struggling with rules, while adults might be the ones who are not acting like responsible adults
themselves. Teenagers sometimes perceive adults as hypocritical or inconsistent, which can
undermine their trust.

Yes, I’ve heard teenagers say things like, “My mom isn’t cool, but at least she doesn’t do crazy
stuff.” It’s comforting to know that teenagers are aware of adult behaviors and see the
contradictions, which influences their perceptions and behavior.

Moving on, you also discuss the impact of technology on teenagers. You point out that intense
use of digital devices can impair social skills and interfere with face-to-face relationships. Since
technology is here to stay, how can parents guide and set boundaries around its use?

Boundaries are crucial because teenagers naturally want to stay connected with their friends
and seek validation through social media. However, they often don’t self-impose breaks, and
adults can’t always rely on them to do so. I recommend that families establish specific times and
rules—for example, no devices at dinner, no phones after a certain hour, and regular tech-free
periods. Think of technology like alcohol: it’s here to stay, but moderation and boundaries are
essential. Just as we don’t allow unlimited drinking, we shouldn’t allow unlimited device use.
Regular breaks help teenagers develop the ability to be comfortable offline, to enjoy face-to-face
interactions, and to manage their emotions without constant digital stimulation.

Exactly. Creating routines like family dinners without phones or designated tech-free times helps
establish those boundaries. It’s not about labeling technology as evil but about giving teenagers
space to develop other skills, like patience, conversation, and self-regulation.

Right. And similar to alcohol, technology is a tool that can be used responsibly or excessively.
Research shows that families who eat dinner together frequently tend to have better outcomes
for their kids. The key is to balance online and offline life, fostering real-world connections and
resilience.

Another point you make is that social connections are vital, but having just one or two good
friends is more beneficial than a large social network. The happiest teenagers tend to have a
few close friends rather than many superficial ones. This provides emotional support and
stability without the stress of maintaining endless social connections.

Exactly. Deep, authentic friendships are more satisfying and less stressful than trying to keep up
a large number of acquaintances. It’s about quality over quantity and understanding that it’s
normal for friendships to have ups and downs.

You also emphasize that parents must accept that teenagers sometimes engage in risky or
dangerous behavior. Instead of focusing solely on rules and punishments, it’s more effective to
explain the real risks involved—like the danger of drinking and driving—frame the conversation
around safety and love, and involve teenagers in understanding the reasons behind rules.

Absolutely. Parents often fear for their teenagers’ safety because of the increased risks during
adolescence. Instead of trying to scare them into compliance, honest conversations about the
potential consequences—like lung cancer from smoking or accidents from reckless driving—are
more effective. Framing rules as expressions of love and concern helps teenagers feel cared for
rather than policed.

And it’s true that teenagers tend to focus on how not to get caught rather than the actual risks.
For example, a girl invited on a boat ride with a stranger might be more worried about her mom
finding out than about the actual dangers of the situation. Asking questions like, “Do you really
want to go? Do you know him?” encourages them to think critically about their choices rather
than just avoiding getting caught.

Exactly. Educating teenagers to think through their decisions, rather than just trying to evade
detection, helps develop their judgment. We want them to consider the risks and make
responsible choices because they understand the reasons behind the rules, not just because
they’re afraid of consequences.

Finally, I’d like to touch on body image. It’s such a pervasive issue for teenage girls, with images
in media reinforcing unrealistic standards. You suggest focusing on biological realities—like
healthy weight and nutrition—rather than trying to convince girls that everyone is beautiful. How
do you see this approach working?

I think that telling girls that they’re all beautiful often feels insincere, given cultural realities.
Instead, providing factual, neutral information about health and biology—such as the importance
of good nutrition, maintaining a healthy weight, and caring for their bodies—is more effective.
Girls respond well to facts; they appreciate clarity about what is healthy and what isn’t.
Emphasizing that caring for their bodies is a form of self-respect and self-care shifts the focus
from appearance to health. For example, explaining that being underweight or overweight can
be unhealthy helps them understand that body size is about health, not just looks.

Yes, and when you tell girls that they’re all beautiful, they often roll their eyes because it feels
disconnected from reality. But when you discuss biological facts—like the need for proper
nutrition and the risks of extreme dieting—they usually respond positively because it’s
straightforward and truthful.

Exactly. It’s about giving them accurate information they can rely on. Recognizing that many
images they see are manipulated or unrealistic helps them develop a more realistic view of
themselves. Encouraging healthy habits based on facts fosters better self-esteem and body
image.
In closing, I want to thank you, Lisa. Your insights are incredibly valuable. I encourage everyone
to check out your book and visit your website. Any final words?

Thank you for having me. I wrote this book because I love teenagers. They are fascinating, full
of energy, and full of potential. I understand that this period can feel chaotic for parents, but my
goal is to bring some order to that chaos so we can enjoy our teenagers more. Love your
teenagers—despite their behaviors—because they are alive, energetic, and full of newness.
Focusing on that can truly transform the relationship. Thank you again, and I look forward to
checking in with you about your next book.

Thanks. My name is Natasha Sherman. Thank you for joining us.