International Montessori Schools and Child Development Centres

Brussels, Belgium

[Link]
Brussels

Interpersonal
Intelligence

Inside: Defining Intelligence Interpersonal Intelligence The Triune Brain The protection
of ‘Innocence’ in Infants and Toddlers Children’s Houses – Learning that others have
needs too The concept of Right and Wrong in Primary Becoming a Productive Member
of Society Be aware of the ‘Tragedy of Entitlement’

Author: Annie R. Hoekstra - de Roos Layout: Tuuli Sauren, Inspirit International Communications
 Defining Intelligence
All intelligences are important! When an this the Learner Profile. The programme aims for
individual has access to and uses the appropriate learners to become:
intelligence in accordance to the situation, he/ • Inquirers
she is a flexible person who can adapt easily and
• Knowledgeable
successfully to different circumstances.
• Thinkers
Maria Montessori already described in 1952 in her
• Communicators
book From Childhood to Adolescence,“ Society
has developed to a state of utmost complication • Principled
and extreme contrasts…it is necessary that the • Open-minded
human personality should be prepared for the • Caring
unforeseen, not only for the conditions that can be
• Risk-takers
anticipated by prudence and foresight. Nor should
it be strictly conditioned by one specialisation, • Balanced
but should develop at the same time the power • Reflective
of adapting itself quickly and easily.” In order to achieve this, the development of the
We are assisting young people to be able to total personality of the child is important. At
function in the world of 2030. Since ‘progress’ is any age, opportunities should be given to the
so fast, what parents and educators can provide development of all eight intelligences, and this
is a wide and thorough education that stimulates with age-appropriate activities, freedoms and
the development of different characteristics. The boundaries. Through an integrated approach,
International Baccalaureate Organisation calls the above characteristics have the possibility to
develop.

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 Interpersonal Intelligence
tested in these abstract and paper related situations
as they become only apparent in real life situations.

90% of the intellect deals with:

• Self Awareness: Knowing oneself, what I stand
for, what drives me, what my passions are, what
my emotions are and what effect I have on
others
• Self regulation: Being aware of the mood I am
in, being able to direct my feelings according to
the circumstances and the people I deal with,
being able to assess how I function, and if this is
appropriate for the situation I am in
• Motivation: A passion for what I do, intrinsic
motivation that goes far beyond extrinsic factors
such as wages, appraisal and status
• Empathy: Feeling for and with people, being
able to set my own mode and purpose aside
whilst being in tune with the ones around
me. Being able to adapt to their situation and
function from the appropriate intelligence that
will contribute to the situation
• Social skills: Proficiency in working with others,
building constructive relationships, feeling what
role is needed at this point in time, building
networks.

When employers are looking for additional staff

in both leadership roles and as team members,
The focus within this publication is on
they prefer people with this 90% of the intellect
interpersonal intelligence, or in other words
functioning well. Higher performance at all fronts
developing the characteristics necessary for
will be a consequence.
constructive communication, interaction, positive
relationships, genuine empathy to other people’s Interpersonal intelligence is very much part of the
feelings and emotions, and knowing oneself. emotional intellect.

Daniel Goleman, with his books on emotional

intelligence (EQ), has put a lot of emphasis on
what intelligence actually is. He compares it to
an iceberg and says that approximately 10%
of our intellect is what educational bodies and
psychologists traditionally test when wanting to
know the IQ. The rest of the intellect cannot be

Interpersonal Intelligence 3
Strengths: • Has the ability to establish rapport with others
quickly and easily
Those who have strong interpersonal intelligence • The ability to read other people’s reactions and
are good at understanding other people and feel empathy. This allows the other party to feel
gauging their emotions, motivations and intentions. understood, to relax and to move onto a more
This makes them very flexible in their approach and constructive level.
can therefore interact well with others. They are • This process allows people to work effectively
respected by others because they listen, which is with others.
followed up by acting upon the information that is • Due to a strong social sensitivity, the person
to the advantage of both ‘parties’. is liked by others and has a healthy social
Specific characteristics are: surrounding.
• He/she is socially influential and can persuade
• Good verbal communicators
others.
• Skilled nonverbal communicators; they are aware
• They usually choose a profession that requires a
of the nonverbal message they give
high interpersonal skill.
• Good listeners to both verbal and non-verbal
messages Daniel Goleman refers to EQ as being able “to
• Have the capacity to understand the intentions, perceive, control, and evaluate emotions”. Howard
motivations and desires of other people Gardner says that having developed aspects of all
• Empathetic intelligences, “involves having an effective working
model of ourselves, and to be able to use such
• React appropriately to other people’s needs
information to regulate our lives.”
• Confident
• Extroverted Analysing the different intelligences as such, gives a
• Enjoy social events clear impression on the importance of the different
characteristics needed in a life of change with lots
• Enjoy teaching and helping others
of interrelations, problem solving and decision
• Learn best by working with others
making situations.
• Have the capacity to understand oneself
• Can appreciate another person’s feelings, fears
and motivations
Potential Career
• Are good at discussions and debate Choices
• Create positive relationships with others
Interpersonal intelligence is needed for nearly all
• See situations from different points of view
career paths. To name a few:
• Good at resolving conflict in groups
Health Industry Clergy
These characteristics have a great effect on the Counselor Receptionist
relationships both social and professional: Social Worker Tradespeople
• The interpersonally strong intellect has a good Coach Sales Representative
self-image, knows what he/she is good at and Diplomat Education
feels confident. This state of mind allows for a Politician Child Care
state of peace Manager Law

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 The Triune Brain

People with a strong interpersonal intellect know the brain developed evolutionary during the
themselves well and can adjust their behaviour Carboniferous period, being the time when the
and communication strategies to influence the reptiles arose. In this part of the brain our basic
world around them. This is a natural quality for instincts are situated and its related primitive
them. Since they are in tune with other people, survival issues such as:
listen well, feel emotions and motivations and a. Survival: feeding, avoidance of pain, repetition
can consequently adapt to that. of what works
b. Exploration: knowing and protecting ones
What happens in the brain at territory, fight and flight
that point in time? c. Aggression: anger, verbal and physical
The neuroscientist, Paul D. MacLean (1913-2007), aggression
has developed an interesting model on the d. Dominance: suppression, power, strict male/
functioning of the brain. He says that our modern female roles, discrimination, preconceived
brain has three levels. There is the neocortex which ideas, entitlement, pride
consists of left and right hemisphere. MacLean
e. Sexuality: roles male/female, reproduction.
points out the importance of two, deeper lying,
layers to this. The three layers, and how, if and Apart from the above, this brain also controls
when we use them and switch between them, muscles, balance and involuntary functions, such
influence our total functioning. as breathing and heartbeat. This is intertwined
with the basic instincts.
This theory can help us understand why and how
we react to certain situations, how we can recognize 2) Paleomammalian Brain/Limbic system
this and how we can influence our own thinking. including the middle part of the brain being
the amygdala, hippocampus, hypothalamus
The brain has three layers that were formed over
and other structures in the limbic system: this
time:
second layer evolved with the mammals. This is
1) Reptilian brain including basal ganglia, mid- the time when animals started to look after their
brain, and brainstem. This is the first layer of young, maternal feelings and nurturing evolved.

Interpersonal Intelligence 5
 Attention, affection, love, friendship, emotionally predominant. Consequently no solutions can be
charged long term memories, desires and values found.
are all seated in this section of the brain.
The skill is to stand still, make eye contact and
This paleomammalian brain is not a separate learn to listen. By becoming in tune with the other
system. It is strongly connected to the third layer party, empathy can develop. Then the other will feel
being the neocortex as it decides whether our respected and heard. This state of mind makes it
higher brain has a “good” idea or not, whether possible to move to the third layer.
it feels true and right. It also communicates to
Once both parties function from the neocortex,
our basic instincts seated in the reptilian brain.
appropriate language is possible and the mode
3) Neocortex comprises of the right and the left of thinking changes, now both parties are looking
hemisphere. It is the third and latest addition to at issues from different points of view. Only
our modern brain and very present in the human here creativity takes place, solutions are found,
species. It allows for higher cognitive functioning processes and strategies are made. It is the only
and deals with knowledge derived from the layer that takes the other two layers in consideration
senses especially from sight, sound and touch. and incorporates feelings and emotions into the
It enables abstract thought, communication by decision making process in a balanced manner.
means of language, creative thinking and much
more. The left half of the cortex controls the
right side of the body and the right side of the A recognisable
brain controls the left side of the body. The right
brain is more spatial, musical and artistic, while
example
the left-brain more abstract, linear, rational, and An interpersonally strong adult (A) needs to
verbal. communicate with an unhappy client (B): Anger and
irritation (Reptilian Brain) is produced on both sides.
People strong in interpersonal A recognizes this and knows that if the response will
include these emotions, no positive result will come
intelligence recognise from which
from that. So A switches to the Paleomammalian
layer of the brain they function level, tries to understand, utters words of empathy
and can switch according to what that soften the other person. B knows someone
the situation requires. is actively listening. By doing so A pulls the other
person to the neocortex by focusing on solutions.
“What can we do about it?” This then pulls B also
When one is angry or irritated, one functions from
to the neocortex and subsequently constructive
the reptilian brain. Then the mode of ‘protection
communication takes place.
of territory’ through fight (e.g. verbal outrage,
anger related behaviour, running off) or flight Now this is a professional example, where many of
(shoulder shuddering, disinterest, passiveness) is us use it. But now take this scenario to private life

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and think about how to interact with growing and problems’. This is where they need to learn and
forever evolving children. practice. The adults are the guides to help them
every time again. One does not want them to move
It helps the parent enormously to recognise from
to the ‘big children – big problems’ phase! Also to
what ‘brain’ he/she and the child are functioning
become responsible for ones own actions is totally
at a particular moment. During a conflict, one
related to this ability. Only those who can move to
helps children and teenagers by pulling them
the neocortex can see things from different points
(and ourselves) to the neocortex. Squabbling
of view, also from other people’s point of view and
and debating belongs to the reptilian brain. It is
become responsible for their own actions. That
a mechanism of defense. By listening actively
is why the parent needs to say, “What can we do
the parent can get the gist of the conflict and
about it”; this includes the child.
show empathy “I am sorry you feel that way, what
can we do about it?” Thus moving through the
paleomammalian level towards the neocortex. Developing
This is of course easier said than done in some Interpersonal
Intelligence
situations. However, due to its ability to abstract
thought and interrelating knowledge, solutions to
conflicts can only be found in the neocortex. Every Children go though a series of developmental
time a person slips back to the reptilian brain or planes and at each stage they need age
functions predominantly from the paleomammalian appropriate opportunities to practice this awareness
brain (feelings only) no constructive and all-inclusive and switch between layers of the brain. This is also
solution can be found. true for those children who are born as an extrovert.
It takes time to become aware of one’s thoughts In their case, when appropriate limits are not set,
and origins of these thoughts. However, practicing they might become overconfident. Overconfidence
this move between layers makes a person more can relate back to the reptilian brain and can
interpersonally intelligent. This is also why one develop into power related behaviour, feelings of
entitlement and lack of empathy.
should not avoid conflict. Nor should one always
distract young children when a conflict is about In the following sections we will have a look at how
to appear. As they say ‘small children – small to assist children of different ages.

Interpersonal Intelligence 7
 The protection of
‘Innocence’ in Infants and
Toddlers

The human being takes time to develop. Since and practice coming upright and walk. They are
the brain has the potential to become a very egocentric out of necessity, since the main mode is
complex organ that can perform many abstract self-development. They will scream when someone
functions, the personality opens up slowly like a takes their toys away and are not able to be socially
blossom. engaged yet, except when it meets their needs. It is
all on their terms!
It is as if the development of the human being
simulates evolution. The child goes through the Isn’t this very recognizable? Unfortunately, in our
different stages and has full brain capacities only culture, once they are becoming verbal this is
by the age of 24. Taking that line of thought and named the ‘terrible twos’. However, this negative
applying it to the triune brain, we see that infants connotation is not right, it is a period that needs
and toddlers predominantly function from the protection. When the infant is allowed to develop
reptilian state of mind. him/herself unhindered, then TRUST develops;
trust in the world and trust in the self. Both
This is logical since they still are so close to their
being the base for all intelligences, especially for
process of birth, which was a process of survival.
interpersonal intelligence
The baby acts on instincts and the basics such as
sleep, food and love are of primal importance. They What kind of protection is needed here? The child
grow, slowly start to slither on the floor, then crawl should be able to move freely in accordance to

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his/her physical abilities. Once they slither, they anything right. The toddler goes from a state of
need a large mattress on the floor. Once they oneness (mum hold me and do it for me) to a state
walk, they need the whole living room, garden and of separateness (I do not want to be carried, but run
playground. Containers of various sizes in the shape around in the supermarket). Parents, do not despair,
of preformed mattresses, high chairs, strapped in this is a stage and will end when mum and dad
seats (Maxicosi), and swings should be used on a give consistent messages! A beautiful book named
very limited basis. Trust in the world and trust in the Oneness and Separateness, written by Louise
self stems from being able to move, explore, touch Kaplan is a ‘must-have’.
and interact with the environment and the people.
Within the right physical and psychological
An active baby environment with adults that
environment, toddlers integrate their personality.
engage with the child stimulates the development
Language, movement and will integrate to such a
of the whole personality.
degree that they start saying “I” and realize they
Slowly logical boundaries are being indicated: are a separate human being. On that base social
• “No, baby can not bite mum when feeding”, awareness and development can start.
• Baby sits in the high chair, and dad will pick up At Montessori, the Parent Infant Group is an
toys as long as it is a game for both. But as soon environment with appropriate toys and furniture
as it becomes ‘manipulation’, dad indicates that that stimulate infants and help towards developing
he has had enough, says “now we stop” and will trust. This is important at such a young age. Future
stop picking up the toy. characteristics such as the ability to concentrate,
• A self-feeding baby is stopped when hands motivation, urge to learn and many more relate
smear food on the table. back to the level of trust in self and in world.
• Objects in the environment can be touched The Toddler Community offers an ideal environment
except a few that is special to mum/dad. to children from walking age to three. Activities
that mum and dad do, such as preparing food,
Logical messages setting the table, doing the dishes, working in
the garden are so important because the parents
give eventual rise are so important! So being able to do these

to logical thinking. with adapted tools and furniture stimulate the

development of trust enormously. Interaction with
Toddlers slowly move to the concept that mum caring adults, slow movements, speech adjusted
and self are not one being and that actually mum to the age, simple ground ‘rules’ help towards the
is a separate person. For awhile parents cannot do development of a confident young child.

Interpersonal Intelligence 9
 In the Children’s House:
Learning that others
have needs too

From approximately 2 ½ to 3 years old onwards The ‘no’ message can be hidden in the required
the child becomes interested in others around way of doing things and in the activities itself.
him. Now that they start to integrate mind,
To give some examples on how this is done in the
body and will, the very strong period of self-
Montessori classroom:
construction has been completed and social
development starts. Interpersonally strong • There is, in most cases, only one of each piece
children will join in immediately with songs, of material in the classroom. This material
music and games. They love talking and trying ‘belongs’ temporarily to the one who took it off
things out. Without hesitation, they will use the shelf. Should another child want to do it as
newly learned vocabulary in their mother tongue well, he/she cannot grab it (reptilian mind) but
and in the second language(s) they are exposed will need to ask the other child, “Can I do the
to. activity with you?” (neocortex)

At this age, they are of course only just leaving • A child who chooses to do their activity on the
the ‘reptilian brain period’. So this mode of action floor will roll out a mat to establish their work
is still very close at hand. Therefore appropriate space. This indicates the ‘territory’ and therefore
boundaries are necessary. At this stage, one must does not need to establish this with reptilian
be careful not to refer to the word ‘no’ too often. mind behaviour.

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• Another child can come and say, “I like your the neocortex develops by means of using all
work”! This limbic state of mind ensures that the senses and the hands. Without enough logical
child practices empathy. experiences, a logical mind cannot develop.
Children perform many activities that are for the As they become older, they collect more life
good of the group. These built in activities help experience and simultaneously develop appropriate
children develop respect for others and say “thank language skills. With these factors they are moving
you” to those who did something for the group. towards using the neocortex to its full capacity.
Some examples are:
It is now clear why the neocortex is needed for
• Children are encouraged to donate their piece social development. Effective relationships, logical
of fruit to the classroom basket. They do not eat thinking, problem solving are all intertwined and
their own fruit, but cut it and put it on the snack only possible when the individual can switch quickly
table for everyone to eat. between the layers of the brain and relate to others
• Children chop vegetables for the soup predominantly through the neocortex.
• Set the table for all
• Clean the easel after use
These built-in limits ensure that the teacher
does not need to intervene every time. The
teaching is actually done by the environment and
gives therefore a logical message. This creates
logical thinking, so in other words, it helps the
development of the neocortex. Should the teacher
have said, “no, do not do that” in all above
examples, the child would have happily worked
away on refining his/her reptilian brain.
Of course interaction is also important. There are
the observing eyes of the adult and the intervention
when needed, thus ensuring that children learn
something from every interaction.
In order to develop the potential of the brain, it
is obvious that children need to live in a real life
environment, this opposed to a virtual environment.
There is a big push to give even young children
iPads, computers and so on. But what they really
need are life experiences. As mentioned earlier,

Interpersonal Intelligence 11
 The concept of Right and
Wrong in Primary

The reptilian mind only has two modes being interested in group settings outside the family. This
defense or attack. It is a black and white state is the pre-teen stage, which, after the Primary years,
of mind that cannot lead to conflict resolution. leads to practicing in becoming part of society.
Empathy is the characteristic needed to help
Primary children become more able at a verbal
oneself and one’s communication partner to move
level and in order to develop their moral sense and
from the reptilian brain to the neocortex.
related empathy, actually need little conflicts to
Empathy stems from the middle layer and has a practice upon. By means of experiencing and then
strong developmental stage during the Primary talking, discussing, highlighting the different points
ages. The ability to be empathetic is related to of view, the child can adapt and learn.
one’s concept of right and wrong. This moral
Now the child can expand his/her experience base.
development is a main developmental area
It is nice for children to visit other families, have
between the ages 6 to 12.
sleepovers and see how other people relate to each
Earlier they could not be interested in this, other. They become deeply interested in moral
because they did not have enough life experiences issues. One regularly hears a six-year-old (boy) say:
to ponder upon yet. Due to the era of self- “He did this and this to me and it is not fair”! (So
construction, they had a limited exposure to others consequently I gave him a kick = reptilian brain
and a limited awareness beyond family life. Now behaviour). Or girls that say, “She said that and
the human being can have developed a level of therefore can not come to my birthday party!” (This
trust and continue to build upon that by becoming is again an example of reptilian behaviour). The

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adults can assist by talking matters through without • They work with children of different ages and
blaming anyone. When the adult takes sides, he/ therefore different level of abilities. They learn to
she role models the reptilian brain with a defense ‘walk in someone else’s shoes”. They develop
mechanism. their ability to help, explain, show empathy, and
We are talking here about small children with differentiate their interaction
small problems. These problems have a purpose: • They take part in a variety of group activities
the children can practice switching between the and contribute to the outcome. Therefore
reptilian brain via the paleomammalian level to responsibility for the process develops.
the neocortex. The adults are there to guide the • Children are asked to become producers instead
discussion: “What happened to you? Why, How, of consumers. They do not sit in rows, but can
When, What could you have done about it?” Thus move and need to look for the tools required for
helping the child to formulate his/her thought. an activity, gather them, perform and pack away
Children need to practice seeing events from so that others can use them in the future
different points of view. Since they come from the • Self-thinking is required in many activities.
self-construction stage, they initially see everything Interest and motivation have a place in the
from their point of view. This was necessary in the classroom. Instead of doing exactly the same to
early years to develop and integrate the personality. all other students, different children do different
Now these children need a different psychological work. Through this higher level of thinking, the
environment. Appropriate boundaries, vocabulary, neocortex develops and comes into a more
and protectiveness versus letting go needs to be efficient mode!
examined and adjusted to the new developmental
The emotional quotient receives a lot of attention in
needs. What was right when the child was
a multi-aged, individualised education programme.
preschool age is not necessarily right anymore.
Children cannot develop EQ when sitting in rows
At school, besides all the interaction that is going all doing the same thing. Preconceived ideas and
on, the Primary children develop interpersonal prejudice develops when children are compared to
intelligence by means of many small details. Some each other and when given the idea they should be
examples: ‘the same’. These are reptilian brain characteristics.
• The didactic materials now enthuse children to Montessori took the concept still much further. She
work together. For example, they will perform a said, “Peace is much more than absence of war”.
physical addition with beads, but need at least It can only be achieved when human beings have
three people that add the quantity up. developed themselves completely. When they can
• In groups, they listen to the Great Stories and realise what they feel, where it stems from and what
can ask questions, thereby learning how to they can do about it. This is achieved when one
respect others by taking turns, waiting when can switch between the three layers quickly and
others speak appropriately.

Interpersonal Intelligence 13
 Becoming a Productive
Member of Society
Teenagers enter the third plane of development. At the older Primary level, one normally sees less
This lasts to about 18 years of age. At Primary reptilian behaviour, while at the teenage-level it
level, children increased their life experiences re-surfaces. We all expect this, but why is this?
by being exposed to groups outside the family At this age there is a physical re-birth which goes
structure, developing a sense of right and together with renewed insecurities and hesitation.
wrong and consequently feelings of empathy. Please have a look again on page 5 describing the
Development builds upon what was achieved characteristics of the reptilian brain, as the same five
earlier and the child becomes ready for the points are applicable to this stage of development.
next level of separation. The next main guiding However, it should now all develop to a more
question is “how will I fit into society?” advanced level:

Teenagers need independence at a different level: a) Survival is related to the individual finding a
going to school by public transport, joining a sport place in society at large.
that takes them to different places for competitions, b) Exploration is related to getting to know how
having a Saturday job, going on a holiday with society functions but, whilst feeling insecure,
a group rather than with your family and so on. they protect their own perceived territory
It is the time when parents need to set different c) The above can go hand in hand with aggression;
boundaries and allow the child to become an verbal abuse, swearwords, actions against
independent and self-managing member of a larger ‘society’ such as damage to public property,
group. graffiti,

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d) Dominance might happen within peer everybody as this creates resentment amongst
structures. This can be aimed at the same or those who do not need them. Appropriate limits
the other sex. When allowed, deviations such as are necessary so that the young adolescent learns
discrimination, preconceived judgments can be to own the problem and become responsible for
the consequence. the consequences. In the book Tickets to Success,
e) Sexuality develops properly with the right written by Jim Fay, it is said very clearly, “solutions
information, role models and boundaries need to be found that do not create a problem
into a healthy mature self-image and sound for someone else”. When this is the base line,
relationships. neocortex thinking will evolve!
Looking at this list, one can see why reptilian brain Adolescent students need a learning environment
behaviour is rather easy to refer to when one is a where expectations increase proportionately and
teenager. What they need is an emotionally safe parents help by creating an attractive homework
environment. This does not mean with all the environment and peaceful surrounding that
freedom in the world, but with people they can stimulates concentration and interest. Also a next
count on. level of separation is required. When students are
They also need a protected learning environment. given a new level of independence and appropriate
In traditional education this is the age where conflict resolution mechanisms are practiced,
suddenly everything changes and the expectations teenagers become responsible for their own
are plentiful. They often find themselves in large actions. This will happen when the adults allow for
and anonymous groups, in which reptilian related appropriate opportunities and provide a parenting
behaviour could be rampant. style that matches the age and personality.

Better is to have them surrounded by caring adults, To allow related characteristics to evolve, the
who grow with them and change the boundaries Montessori secondary section is not separated into
as their development progresses. Limits can small classrooms separated by walls and subject
never be stagnant, nor can they be the same for content. How can one develop empathy for others

Interpersonal Intelligence 15
you rarely see? How can one develop conflict – Renting out Christmas trees, organizing
resolution when you all face the same blackboard? transport, payments, making related
How can one learn to see items from different colouring books for their young customers
points of view, when all is divided into strict subject – Car washes
matter? An open-space learning environment allows – Expositions
for all the intelligences to evolve. It is especially – Catering at concerts, windows into the class,
important for Interpersonal Intelligence, since it dinners for parents
offers real-life opportunities to practice awareness – Catering at Christmas markets
of one’s own functioning in different circumstances, – Making small theatre productions
switching between brain layers as the situation – Entertaining others by means of music
requires, learning to see items from different points performances,
of view and eventually function more and more – Collaborating in theatre – designing props,
from the neocortex. costumes, work in team to organise music,
The open-space classroom setting has many light, dances
ingredients that allow students to practice – Giving presentations
Interpersonal Intelligence: – Groups discussions
– Experiments
• Real life situations are interwoven with the
– Conflict resolution
curricula:
– Debating
– Cooking for the class
– And many more opportunities
– Preparation of lunch settings
– Eating lunch together Edward de Bono in his book Intelligence is Not
– Hosting students from other schools Enough compares IQ with a high-speed computer.
– Giving tours to new students He states things simply: “If you do not have
– Organising events for the retirement home adequate software, then the processing speed
population is not going to get you anywhere. The tools and

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framework of thinking are the software needed for Having the interpersonal intellect developed means
performance. IQ is not enough”. a lot. It helps students to feel free in a group,
instigate effective collaboration, see things from
The world these students grow into is complex. different points of view, become adaptable and
Education is not a means in itself, it is to actually consequently come to successful products and/or
prepare them for when they get out of school. processes.

Interpersonal Intelligence 17
 Be aware of the ‘Tragedy
of Entitlement’
The human brain is wonderful; it has so much
potential! It is the most complex organ we have
and to get to its full ability, it needs nurturing
from birth onwards. We are all ‘children of our
times’, and the times change constantly.

Will they name this the Electronic Era or the Virtual

Era in future history books? What about the Era of
Entitlement?

Why could it become the Era of Entitlement? As

the western societies have so many material goods
readily available to them, our children receive the
message that they ‘need’ these many goods and
services. The economic model dictates that growth
is essential, stagnation is negative, and production
(driven by consumption) is what counts.

Within family life, over the past 40 years, childhood

has changed enormously. We came from Dr.
Spock and have moved from autocratic fathers
to multifunctional couples that cater to all the
needs of their children. Punishment has become
encouragement, orders have become choice and
rules have become propositions. Children have a lot
of freedom that is given to them in the hope that
this will not restrain them and that it will allow them
to make successful decisions in the future.

Together with the above, the economy has

prospered elaborately and children can have
what they want! There do not need to be any
inconveniences, disappointments and unhappy One needs to be careful in not giving everything to
situations. No need to save patiently to get that children even though one can afford it money wise.
fabulous toy and no need for a Saturday job to buy This is where a feeling of entitlement is born. Those
that piece of electronic equipment. Is it a recipe for children think that they are entitled to everything
success? and nothing makes them happy anymore. Worst-
The book From Innocence to Entitlement, by Jim case scenario is a chronic state of unhappiness
Fay and Dawn Billings is a very interesting read. It whilst having everything.
confirms doubts on the eventual outcome of giving Why is this so? With the knowledge of the triune
children what they want, avoiding conflict situations brain we have a way to explain it. When a child
and keeping children happy at all times. It seems receives everything automatically, without effort
that individuals who receive all, want more. Those and on demand, it fulfills basic needs situated
who cannot have all are happy with less. in the reptilian brain. It is about defending one’s

18 [Link]
territory and feeling this is
mine! Not needing to say
thank you or needing to do
something for it prevents
the child from switching to
the paleomammalian level.
Not needing to research,
plan, work and then choose
and buy prevents again
from switching to the
neocortex level. Children
who get things on demand
stay at the reptilian level
and therefore will forever be
busy with fight (or flight into
passivity).
Happiness does not
depend on what we have.
Happiness depends on
what we do. It is the hands
that need to be active as
they form the patterns in
the brain. And this is where
the cure to entitlement
lies. We as adults need
to demand and expect
children to participate,
according to their age
appropriate abilities. Effort
ensures satisfaction. Action
ensures empowerment.
Result out of action
provides happiness:
• A toddler can set the
table, eat with a fork
• A preschooler can get
dressed and put the dirty
washing in a basket,
can clear the table and
sweep the garden path living communities where everybody has an aim and
a purpose. Parents are in charge as they have most
• A Primary child can solve conflicts he/she was
life experiences and wisdom. With the appropriate
part of, can learn to cook, mow the lawn, cycle
level of decision-making, choice and responsibilities
to music lessons by him/herself
children can become wise as well. Wisdom, in the
• A Secondary student can help clear the snow,
context of the triune brain, means one is aware
cook the dinner, clean the room, complete their
of the origin of ones thought, can feel empathy
homework, earn some money
towards others and function predominantly from
Family homes are not hotels. As Jim Fay says, “ the neocortex, thus making wise decisions and
Parents are not ‘Service Providers!” Homes are interactions.

Interpersonal Intelligence 19
Good Googles: Good books available
• [Link]/thinkers/[Link] in the schools’ Parent
• [Link]/[Link]
Library:
• [Link]/od/ • From Childhood to Adolescence – by Maria
Montessori
educationalpsychology
• Emotional Intelligence – why it can matter more
• [Link]/learning-styles/ than IQ – By Howard Goleman
[Link] • Working with Emotional Intelligence – By
Howard Goleman
• Your Child’s Growing Mind by Jane M. Healy
• From Innocence to Entitlement – By Jim Fay and
Dawn Billings
• Helicopters, Drill sergeants and Consultants –
Parenting styles and the messages they send –
By Jim Fay
• Tickets to Success – By Jim Fay
• Intelligence is not enough – By Edward De Bono
• Oneness and Separateness – By Louise Kaplan

20 [Link]