Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Screenplay by John Cameron Mitchell

Song Lyrics by Stephen Trask

Revised 6/10/00
(revisions marked with *)

Contact:
Killer Films
380 Lafayette St. #302
New York, NY 10003
212 473-3950 tel
212 473-6152 fax
kroumel@[Link]
 1.

1 EXT. MUSIC VENUE - NIGHT 1

Short, close shots of a crowd gathering for a rock concert

outside a large hall (Midland Concert Hall, Kansas City) on a
downtown urban thoroughfare.

- A sign (theater marquee?) can be partially read:

“...GNOSIS: The Oracle Tour... LIVE MTV BROADCAST!...SOLD
OUT”

- a poster with similar information is stuck on the facade of

a colorful THEME RESTAURANT (Bilgewater's).

- FLYERS for the event lying on the sidewalk underfoot

prominently feature “Kansas City” and a logo: a painted
SILVER CROSS.

- A concertgoer’s FINGERS paint a SILVER CROSS on a friend’s

FOREHEAD.

2 INT. MUSIC VENUE (MIDLAND CONCERT HALL) - CONTINUOUS 2

A vast performance space is filling with young people.

- close shots of LAUGHING MOUTHS, black T-SHIRTS decorated

with a Christian fish symbol inside which is written the word
“Gnosis”. Close shot of a waving little white paper flag with
the silver “Gnosis” fish symbol.

- Close shot of a fancy video CAMERA BOOM is being tested for

some kind of broadcast.

3 EXT. MUSIC VENUE - CONTINUOUS 3

WIDE STATIONARY SHOT - A long, wide alley between the Concert

Hall and the restaurant. The alley is packed with young
people, high school and college-age, moving towards camera on
their way into the Concert Hall. Many of the teens sport
SILVER CROSSES on their foreheads and “Gnosis” t-shirts.

- CLOSEUPS of hands tearing tickets. Money passing into

hands of scalpers.

Suddenly, a GOLDEN GLEAM becomes visible above the horizon of

heads at the mouth of the alley where it feeds into the
street. The gleam approaches camera.

SAME WIDE SHOT - The golden object is closer now and

identifiable.

(CONTINUED)
 2.
3 CONTINUED: 3

It’s an ornately styled BLOND HAIRDO, a good 6 inches above

any other head. It seems to emit its own light. It turns
heads. A few flashbulbs go off in its vicinity.

4 INT. MUSIC VENUE (MIDLAND CONCERT HALL) - CONTINUOUS 4

CLOSEUP of hands on a huge sound mixing board.

5 INT. MUSIC VENUE (BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT) - CONTINUOUS 5

CLOSE ON the strings of a CRAZY-LOOKING ELECTRIC GUITAR being

tuned.

CLOSE on a detail of a brand-name logo on a bass drum (same

font as “Ludwig” logo): “--DWIG”

(*We should get the impression that the events inside both
the Midland Concert Hall and the Bilgewater's Restaurant are
happening in the same venue.)

6 INT. MUSIC VENUE (MIDLAND CONCERT HALL) - CONTINUOUS 6

The BEAMS of a powerful stage lighting instrument cut through

the air.

7 EXT. MUSIC VENUE - CONTINUOUS 7

WIDE SHOT - As the wig inexorably approaches, large pink

sunglasses emerge beneath it. More flashbulbs. People give
way as if for a threat. Or a star.

8 INT. MUSIC VENUE (BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT) - CONTINUOUS 8

- A MAN in a new wave hairdo (SKSZP) is lining his eyes

severely.

- A MAN wearing a bandanna on his head (YITZHAK, played by a

female actress) adjusts his crotch.

9 EXT. MUSIC VENUE - CONTINUOUS 9

WIDE SHOT - The entire face below the wig is now discernible:
intense glitter makeup, rouge like whipmarks, lips for
decades. She checks her watch and quickens her pace.

(CONTINUED)
 3.
9 CONTINUED: 9

Most people in the alley are aware of her now and somewhat
awestruck.

10 INT. MUSIC VENUE (MIDLAND CONCERT HALL) - CONTINUOUS 10

CLOSE on hands clapping with impatience and excitement.

11 EXT. MUSIC VENUE - CONTINUOUS 11

WIDE SHOT - Hedwig is in full figure now. She’s wearing a

full-length acid-washed denim cape with a stars and stripes
theme. Random American words are spattered on it like an
accidental Dada poem. People gawk. Her berth widens. We
hear a swell of CHEERS from within. Hedwig reacts to it by
moving even faster.

12 INT. MUSIC VENUE (BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT) - CONTINUOUS 12

A boyishly decadent GUITARIST in a Duran Duran jacket (JACEK)

is on stage. YITZHAK, the bandanna man, checks his watch,
and looks over towards...

...a classily-dressed women in her 40’s (PHYLLIS STEIN)

holding a digital video camera. The woman receives the look,
looks at her own watch and shrugs, and nods.

Yitzhak sees this and signals Jacek. Jacek begins to play

“America the Beautiful” on his guitar.

12A INT. MUSIC VENUE (MIDLAND CONCERT HALL) 12A

Hands raised in the air forming “devil’s horns”. Huge

cheers.

13 EXT. MUSIC VENUE - CONTINUOUS 13

WIDE SHOT - Hedwig is almost at the entrance to the Concert

Hall when she hears the guitar. Suddenly, a nervous YOUNG
MAN with pen and paper taps her on the shoulder as if seeking
an autograph. She turns around.

YOUNG MAN
Excuse me?

HEDWIG
Yes?

Pause.

(CONTINUED)
 4.
13 CONTINUED: 13

YOUNG MAN
Who are you?

Hedwig stares at him for a smoldering moment. Then she

strides past him and...

...past the Concert Hall entrance to...

...a nondescript door in the building on the opposite side of

the alley. A trash can props it open. She kicks the can out
of the way and enters. The door closes to reveal a sign on
it. Next to a logo of a SINKING SHIP we can read:

BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT

Deliveries Only
SMASH CUT TO:

14 INT. MUSIC VENUE (BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT) - CONTINUOUS 14

CLOSEUP on the bandanna-wearing Yitzhak at a mike.

YITZHAK
(Eastern European accent)
Ladies and Gentleman, whether you like it or
not, HEDWIG!

We cut to Hedwig WHIPPING OPEN HER CAPE on a makeshift stage

in a Red Lobster-type maritime disaster-themed restaurant--
lots of nautical bricabrac and murals of sinking vessels: the
Titanic, the Lusitania, the Exxon Valdez. The lining of
Hedwig’s cape is spray-painted to look like a wall. She is
lit by a slapdash plot of Home Depot clip lights clamped to
any available purchase.

HEDWIG
(shouting)
Don’t you know me, Kansas City? I’m the new
Berlin Wall. Try and tear me down!

CREDITS roll.

A small audience of unsuspecting, mall-numbed customers look

up from their lobsters. A table of Hedwig groupies
(Hedheads) wearing foam Hedwig-style wigs cheer as The Angry
Inch, Hedwig’s vaguely 80’s-looking Eastern European glam
rock band kicks into a hard rock song, Tear Me Down. Hedwig
works the room Tina Turner-style.

(CONTINUED)
 5.
14 CONTINUED: 14

HEDWIG (cont’d)
(singing)
I WAS BORN ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF A TOWN RIPPED IN TWO
I MADE IT OVER THE GREAT DIVIDE
NOW I’M COMING FOR YOU
ENEMIES AND ADVERSARIES
THEY TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN
YOU WANT ME, BABY, I DARE YOU
TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN

During the song we feature Hedwig’s entourage. In addition

to guitarist Jacek, keyboardist Skszp, and back-up singer
Yitzhak, we meet:

- the bassist, KRZYSZTOF, the slightly autistic-looking

backbone of the band;

- the drummer, SCHLATKO, a muscular monster of rock with

long, bushy hair in a Twisted Sister t-shirt. We also meet
his 3 month old baby, ZARKO, who gurgles happily in a nearby
drum case. Schatko’s bass drum has the logo that we now see
fully: “HEDWIG”;

- and Hedwig’s manager, Phyllis Stein (NAME RESTORED), who is

as comfortable in a mosh pit as she is in a Chanel suit. She
is documenting the show with her digital video camera.

We also feature a TELEVISION screen above the bar. On it,

TOMMY GNOSIS, a young neo-glam rock star, performs (he sings
“Wicked Little Town” MOS) amid gigantic stage lighting in the
large Concert Hall that we saw in the opening sequence. In a
sudden closeup on the screen we notice a bold SILVER CROSS is
painted on his forehead.

Hedwig’s gyrations delight some audience members. Others are

baffled or frightened.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I ROSE FROM OFF OF THE DOCTOR’S SLAB
LIKE LAZARUS FROM THE PIT
NOW EVERYONE WANTS TO TAKE A STAB
AND DECORATE ME
WITH BLOOD GRAFFITI AND SPIT
ENEMIES AND ADVERSARIES
THEY TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN
YOU WANT ME, BABY, I DARE YOU
TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN

(CONTINUED)
 6.
14 CONTINUED: (2) 14

Behind the band, CRUDE CARTOON DRAWINGS and PHOTOGRAPHS of

the Berlin Wall are projected amateurishly onto a bedsheet.

As she tapes the show, Phyllis clicks a cheap remote SLIDE

CHANGER (with a cable attached) changing the projection on
the bedsheet. The band takes the song down to a vamp. On the
bedsheet, quick-changing slides of crude drawings tell a
little story during the Yitzhak’s speech.

YITZHAK
(speaking)
ON AUGUST 12, 1961,
A WALL WAS ERECTED DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY
OF BERLIN

BEDSHEET SLIDESHOW: The first image is a drawing of a little

6-YEAR-OLD BOY sitting on the bombed-out Eastern side of the
Berlin Wall (Xerox of a photograph). Next to him, a small
DRAIN PIPE issues from the wall and starts to gush crazy
colorful water. Western objects and artifacts spew from the
pipe: a pair of ACID-WASHED JEANS, a TELEVISION WITH FARRAH
FAWCETT ON IT, a giant LIPSTICK, a POSTER OF A GLAM ROCK
STAR, etc., float down the stream created by the water. The
boy grabs some of the things as they rush by. The water
starts to flood the street next to the boy.

YITZHAK (cont’d)
THE WORLD WAS DIVIDED BY A COLD WAR
AND THE BERLIN WALL WAS THE MOST HATED SYMBOL
OF THAT DIVIDE
REVILED. GRAFFITIED. SPIT UPON.
WE THOUGHT THE WALL WOULD STAND FOREVER

The boy dons the jeans and Farrah’s wig and tapes the rock
star poster over his body so that he becomes a patchwork
approximation of the real-life Hedwig. The Eastern half of
the city is quickly filling up with water and Western
flotsam. The boy is forced to climb the wall to avoid the
water. As he does so, the wall begins to CRACK under the
pressure. Just as the boy reaches its summit, the wall
shatters and collapses. A TIDAL WAVE OF WATER crashes into
the East as the Wall and Hansel disappears.

YITZHAK (cont’d)
AND NOW THAT IT’S GONE
WE DON’T KNOW WHO WE ARE ANYMORE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN,
HEDWIG IS LIKE THAT WALL,

(CONTINUED)
 7.
14 CONTINUED: (3) 14

The water quickly recedes, leaving a giant Godzilla-sized

version of Hedwig standing in place of the Wall. East and
west of her, TINY SOLDIERS appear in land vehicles and
planes. They start shooting at her, enraging her. Hedwig
wards them off, like King Kong atop the Empire State.

YITZHAK (cont’d)
STANDING BEFORE YOU IN THE DIVIDE
BETWEEN EAST AND WEST,
SLAVERY AND FREEDOM,
MAN AND WOMAN,
TOP AND BOTTOM.
AND YOU CAN TRY AND TEAR HER DOWN,
BUT BEFORE YOU DO,
YOU MUST REMEMBER ONE THING:

A menacing HELICOPTER lands on Monster-Hedwig’s nose. She

flicks it and an EXPLOSION fills the bedsheet screen.
Suddenly the REAL-LIFE HEDWIG replaces her monster
counterpart in front of the screen.

HEDWIG
(singing)
LISTEN!
AIN’T MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A BRIDGE AND A WALL
WITHOUT ME RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
YOU WOULD BE NOTHING AT ALL
ENEMIES AND ADVERSARIES
THEY TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN
YOU WANT ME BABY I DARE YOU
COME ON AND TEAR ME DOWN.

ENEMIES AND ADVERSARIES

THEY TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN
YOU WANT ME BABY I DARE YOU
TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN.

FROM EAST BERLIN TO JUNCTION CITY

HELLO NEW YORK, HELLO MISSOURI
WHAT? YOU TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN?
COME ON AND TEAR ME...

YITZHAK
(echoing and outdoing her)
COME ON AND TEAR ME....

Hedwig pulls the cable from Yitzhak’s mike, silencing him,

and she finishes her final wailing phrase.

(CONTINUED)
 8.
14 CONTINUED: (4) 14

HEDWIG
....DOWN!

The song crashes towards an end as Hedwig leaps in the air in

slo-mo. With her in mid-air, we cut and the...

SCREEN GOES BLACK. A title comes up:

BILGEWATER'S ST. LOUIS

“a tradition since 1997”

CUT TO:

15 INT. BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT, ST. LOUIS, 24 HOURS LATER - 15

NIGHT

Hedwig’s boots hit the stage floor in a new Bilgewater's

franchise with an identical layout and decor. Her stage has
moved to a slightly different part of the room. A clearly
marked EMERGENCY EXIT DOOR is near the performance area and a
large SALAD BAR now separates Hedwig from her small
“audience”. A couple of customers help themselves to
vegetables directly in front of her as she continues her show
from where we left off in the last scene--the tepid applause
after Tear Me Down.

HEDWIG
Thank you! Thank you, you’re so sweet. I do
love a warm hand on my entrance.

Schlatko, the drummer, fires off a RIMSHOT. Two Hedheads sit

together and laugh too loud. Everyone else is silent.
Hedwig’s musicians present their usual stony facades.
Phyllis records the show on her video camera.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
My name is Hedwig. Please welcome those
ambassadors of Eastern Bloc Rock, the Angry
Inch! All so very talented. And so very lucky
to be here, right boys?

The bands murmurs bleak assents. Then she points into the
audience.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
Look out, guys! Immigration!

They all turn to look in a stiff, rehearsed fashion.

Rimshot. A couple of audience members laugh.

(CONTINUED)
 9.
15 CONTINUED: 15

HEDWIG (cont’d)
(indicates her back pocket)
I got your passports right here.

Yitzhak brings her a fur coat.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
You like the pelt? Some bitch stopped me on
the way in. “What poor unfortunate creature
had to die for you to wear that?” “My Aunt
Trudi,” I replied.

Rimshot. No laughter. She turns around and reveals a red

paint splotch on the back of the coat. A couple of laughs

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I’m thrilled you could join me tonight for the
fabulous first night of the St. Louis
engagement of my World Tour. And when it comes
to huge openings, a lot of people think of me.

Weaker rimshot.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
Many of you, though, have only recently become
aware of me...

Behind Hedwig, appears a BEDSHEET PROJECTION of a National

Enquirer (or its facsimile) article with the headline:

Tommy Gnosis’Gay Transexual Lover:

“I wrote every song on that album!”
Below this are TWO GRAINY PHOTOS arranged side by side. One
is a tight shot of TOMMY GNOSIS looking unhappy. The SILVER
CROSS on his forehead is featured. Next to this is a photo
of a grinning Hedwig. The general audience is non-plussed by
all this.

HEDWIG (VIDEO cont’d) (cont’d)

...It took a character assassination piece like
this to make you finally pay attention. Now
you’re interested. Intrigued even...

A blowup of a detail of the cover emphasizing the words:

(CONTINUED)
 10.
15 CONTINUED: (2) 15

Who is Mystery “Woman”?

HEDWIG (cont’d)
(broad American accent)
...Who is this Hedwig and why have we never
heard about her before, Bob?
(normal accent)
Well, that’s a question I’ve been asking myself
for years, minus the Bob.

Rimshot. Silence.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
How did some slip of a girlyboy from Communist
East Berlin become the internationally ignored
song stylist barely standing before you?
That’s what I want to talk about tonight. I’m
not here to talk about hype, spin, buzz, heat,
or any other member of my band...

Double rimshot. The band continues to stare vacantly.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I’m not here to talk about my lawsuit against a
certain well known rock icon, Tommy Gnosis, who
by some freak coincidence is performing right
next door at Busch Stadium...

She opens the EMERGENCY EXIT DOOR. Muffled ROCK CONCERT

SOUNDS AND LIGHT pour forth: a massive stadium version of
Tear Me Down.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
(screaming over the music)
...AND WHOM I TAUGHT EVERYTHING HE KNOWS, AND
HAS APPARENTLY FORGOTTEN, ABOUT ROCK AND
ROLL...

She slams the door and we...

CUT TO:

16 INT. MOTEL ROOM #1 - LATER THAT NIGHT 16

The show continues on a television screen. We are suddenly

watching Phyllis’ hand-held videotape of the Bilgewater's St.
Louis performance. We zoom slowly out from the TV screen.

(CONTINUED)
 11.
16 CONTINUED: 16

HEDWIG (ON THE VIDEO)

You know, the road is my home. My home, the
road. And when I think of all the people I
have come upon in my travels, I have to think
about the people who have come upon me...

On the video, there’s a laugh and a couple gets up to leave.

The camera executes a shaky, hand-held pan to a drawing (of a
question mark wearing a wig) projected onto the bedsheet.

PHYLLIS (O.S.)
(re: the camera move)
Nice! I should be a filmmaker.
(on the phone)
Yeah, Phyllis Stein, manager of Hedwig and the
Angry Inch...

Phyllis’S HAND enters frame with a remote control to turn

down the volume on the TV. The hand goes to an earphone
extension, plugged into a wireless phone in her lap. She
holds the extension mike closer to her mouth. She’s
simultaneously tapping out email on a tiny laptop.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
Inch. Not Itch.

She continues an ad libbed conversation as we widen to find

that Hedwig, Phyllis, the band and all their equipment are in
a cheap motel room with one king-sized bed. The five band
members are playing their Slavic form of “spin the bottle” on
the bed while Hedwig, seated in front of a mirror, removes
her show wig to reveal a more modest at-home wig underneath.
The band plays the game in their own Slavic language. There
is a great deal of good-natured truth-or-daring and ribbing
and laughing. As they play they are engaged in other
activities: Skszp noodles on a tiny electric piano; Jacek is
romancing a young female (GROUPIE #1); Schlatko, a single
parent, feeds his BABY with a bottle; Krzysztof records the
baby’s gurgling with a Walkman; Yitzhak (wearing a t-shirt
under his leather jacket--we can partially make out the logo
from “Rent” on the t-shirt.) is listening to a Walkman on
headphones and mouthing lyrics. We cut to an...

INSERT of the handwritten label on Yitzhak’s cassette:

RENT - BROADWAY CAST RECORDING

(CONTINUED)
 12.
16 CONTINUED: (2) 16

PHYLLIS
(still on the phone)
...That’s wonderful, Brad, I love you.

She hangs up and turns to Hedwig who is doodling in a

sketchbook.

INSERT of sketchbook: she has sketched a FIGURE OF A BOY

with a Christian fish symbol ON HIS t-shirt in the style of
the bedsheet drawings.

PHYLLIS
(to Hedwig)
Indianapolis is a go. Brad tells me the rumors
are true: The entire Bilgewater's chain is
going under. Chapter Eleven and I’m in heaven!
We can have a gig in any one of their
franchises nationwide with a 24 hour notice.
That’s access, sweetie, access. I’m emailing
him our press kit as we speak. Wireless email!
(watching the video)
Do you like the resolution on the video?
Digital. I wish this phone was digital. I wish
I was digital.
(to Yitzhak)
Yitzhak, you are so analog!

Meanwhile, the game has developed and Krzysztof has been

“dared”. He nervously approaches Hedwig who is doodling on a
napkin. She looks up with irritation. The band giggles.
Krzysztof mumbles something to her in his language. She
smiles and offers her face to him. Krzysztof plants a kiss
on Hedwig’s mouth and retreats to the bed. The band
applauds.

Yitzhak watches with an inscrutable expression. Jealousy

perhaps?

Everyone urges Hedwig to join the game. She is persuaded to

sit on the bed.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
(referring to her computer)
Ok, people, tomorrow’s a travel day. It’s a
travel day for Tommy, so it’s a travel day for
us. Friday is Chicago. Tommy’s at Soldier
Field. We’re at the Bilgewater's in the mall
down the street. And the next day, looks like
he’s at--
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 13.
16 CONTINUED: (3) 16
PHYLLIS (cont’d)
(hiding something)
Well, basically he’s back on the bus--

HEDWIG
Basically...?

PHYLLIS
Well, he’s also doing a record signing.

Hedwig’s eyes flash.

HEDWIG
Why do you feel the need to lie to me?

The band is suddenly silent. Phyllis takes Hedwig aside.

PHYLLIS
Honey, I just don’t think it’s going to
help the lawsuit to be st-- to present the
appearance of stalking him.

The band quietly breaks up the game and prepares to bed down
on the floor with sleeping bags (the female Groupie #1
included). Yitzhak prepares the bed.

Phyllis (cont’d)
How about you don’t talk to him and I get
somebody to steal a photo of you two together--
you know some rag will run it. It’ll help with
the lawsuit. Proves you two know each other.
I’ll make some calls right now.
(gathering up her things to
go)
Sorry about the accomodations. Dear Victor--
may he rest in peace--his insurance is running
low. We have to pinch every penny. I’ll be in
the suite next door if you need me. Good night
all.

Mumbled Slavic “goodnights” from the band. Phyllis leaves

the room. Yitzhak finishes setting up the bed and the
nightstand with candles, incense, condoms and lube. Hedwig
puts a hairnet over her wig and powders down her “sleeping
makeup”. She approaches the bed where Yitzhak is waiting
under the sheet with a certain anticipation. Yitzhak rolls
over so that his rear is presented. Hedwig turns to the
nightstand.

(CONTINUED)
 14.
16 CONTINUED: (4) 16

INSERT: She switches on her Natural Sound Sleep Machine,

setting it to “Southern Nights”. FROG AND CRICKET SOUNDS
fill the air.

Hedwig slides into bed and pulls Yitzhak into a spooning

position. She starts rubbing herself against him. Yitzhak
accepts this with a measure of equanimity, but then
frustration mounts and...

...he abruptly grabs Hedwig’s wrist and wrenches his body

around to face Hedwig.

Hedwig is surprised and confused. Yitzhak takes Hedwig’s

hand and guides it to touch his face tenderly. Hedwig is too
shocked to react. Yitzhak reaches out his own hand towards
Hedwig’s face. Hedwig recoils, yanks Yitzhak back around,
and starts to rub into him violently from behind.

We widen to find that the video is still playing. On the TV

is a CLOSEUP of the bedsheet projection screen featuring a
drawn tableau of...

...TWO SPINDLY FIGURES in the same spooning position as

Hedwig and Yitzhak. In the “dominant” position is a MALE
FIGURE wearing military headgear. This figure is labelled
“Dad”. In the “submissive” position is a FEMALE FIGURE
labelled “Mom”.

As we ZOOM slowly into this tableau on the television, the

drawn figures separate and a LITTLE BOY FIGURE emerges from
between the female’s legs as if being born. He is labelled
“Hansel”. The parents dissappear leaving only the “Hansel”,
the same figure who sat by the Berlin Wall. Hedwig’s voice-
over fades up.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
...you see, I recently found my first
diary, age 2 through 6. It was fully
illustrated.

We zoom until the television fills the frame. Then the TV

screen dissolves and disappears...

17 INT. EAST BERLIN APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY 17

The Hansel drawing is now on a roughly textured beige

background. A crayon enters frame and begins to color in
“Hansel’s” clothes.

(CONTINUED)
 15.
17 CONTINUED: 17

We widen and find a dark-haired SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY sitting at

the kitchen table (a broad piece of plywood placed on a large
old-fashioned bathtub). The boy is drawing on a roll of
rough, beige toilet paper with a few bottles of nail polish
and eyeliner pencils. This is the real, live-action HANSEL.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D)

...As I leafed through the pages, I
realized that so many people have touched
me on my way to this stage tonight...

INSERT: Hansel draws new figures who assume the dominant

position behind the boy figure. They appear successively in
montage: Nixon, Jesus, the Glam Rock Star, Stalin, Hitler...

HEDWIG (V.O.)
...How can I say who touched me the most?
My father, the America GI...?

The drawing of the GI Dad is now positioned in the dominant

position behind the Hansel drawing.

18 INT. EAST BERLIN APARTMENT, BEDROOM - EVENING 18

The two figures suddenly become real as Hansel and his real
DAD (in GI fatigues) lie quietly a few inches apart on a
narrow bed in the same position as the drawings. A large
piano is also squeezed into the room.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D)

...Could it have been my East German
Mother?...

A BLEACH-BLONDE WOMAN (Hansel’s MOM) enters the bedroom and

sees them. Her dress is made of the same printed fabric as
the bedspread. She lets out a shriek and, unleashing a flood
of ad libbed German-accented English-language invective,
begins to punch and slap Hansel’s Dad. Dad doesn’t make much
of an effort to defend himself. He just gets up slowly and
walks out as she spits on him.

Little Hansel is lying frozen in shock. Mom sits beside him

as if to comfort him, but cannot quite bring herself to touch
him. She leaves the room.
 16.

19 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. KITCHEN - DAY 19

A CARTOON JESUS drawing is being broadcast on a black and

white TV screen that is being watched by six-year-old Hansel
and Mom. They are seated at the kitchen table. Mother is
boiling tomatoes in a skillet on a hotplate on the kitchen
table. She removes one from the skillet with a ladle and
drops a fresh one it. She starts to peel the boiled one. On
TV, a new drawing of a TANK approaching Jesus.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D)

One day, I was watching Jesus Christ
Superstar on American Forces Television.

(The following conversation is delivered in English with

German accents. In parentheses is an alternate German-
language version with English subtitles.)

HANSEL
Mom, Jesus said the darndest things.
(Jesus sagt aber komischten Sachen.)

Mom slaps him hard across the face and turns off the TV.

MOM
Don’t you ever mention that name to me
again. (Erwaehn diesen Namen bloss nie
mehr.)

HANSEL
But he died for our sins! (Aber er starb
fuer unsere Suenden!)

MOM
So did Hitler! (Der Hitler auch.)

HANSEL
What? (Heh?)

MOM
Absolute power corrupts-- (Absolute Macht
verdirbt den Charakter.)

HANSEL
Absolutely! (Absolut!)

MOM
Better to be powerless, my son. (Machtlos
zu sein ist besser, mein Junge.)

(CONTINUED)
 17.
19 CONTINUED: 19

She changes the channel and turns the TV back on. CARTOON
STALIN is on the screen reviewing a column of tanks.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
She got her wish when the Wall went up. We
happened to be living on the East Side and
Mother was given a job teaching sculpture
to limbless children. Socialism, God rest
its soul!

We pan and zoom to the kitchen window. On the counter under

it are Mom’s student’s homework: misshapen sculptures of
Stalin. We can start to make out a forced- perspective
facade of a huge, gray, concrete, Soviet-era APARTMENT
BUILDING outside the window.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
Life was simple at Baader-Meinhoff Gardens
where we lived.

We zoom until the apartment building fills the frame and we

discover that it is actually a black and white XEROX OF A
PHOTOGRAPH.

DISSOLVE TO:

20 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. KITCHEN - DUSK 20

We dissolve into a XEROXED PHOTOGRAPH OF THE SAME BUILDING AT

DUSK. We slowly zoom out from it to find ourselves back in
the kitchen. It is now night and the kitchen lights are off.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONTD.)

...Most of my time was spent listening to
American Forces Radio...

We find Hansel dancing with on a chair with mad abandon to

the music on a transistor radio. He jumps on the kitchen
table next to some of the misshapen Stalin busts.

Suddenly, the overhead lights are switched on to reveal Mom

at the door. Hansel stops dancing and hangs his head. Mom
walks in and turns off the radio. She snaps her finger and
points to the oven. Hansel climbs down, takes the radio and
exits frame. Mom exits frame. We hear the music start up
again faintly this time.

Cut to: Mom sitting at the kitchen table grading her

students work while munching on raw tomatoes. Behind her, we
see where the music is coming from: Hansel is listen to the
radio curled up inside the oven with his feet sticking out.

INSERT: Mom’s handles a lump of a sculpture and marks a

grade in a report card.

(CONTINUED)
 18.
20 CONTINUED: 20

INSIDE THE OVEN: SIX-YEAR-OLD HANSEL is curled up on the top

rack “dancing” contentedly in a minimal fashion with the
radio playing by his head. The oven walls are decorated with
a geometric collage of magazine photos of Western rock stars
and torn packaging of American products.

Quick cut to:

- the same shot but TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD HANSEL is half in the

oven. Every inch of the oven walls is now plastered over
with the favorite images of this older Hansel, creating a
layered wheatpaste effect.

Then cut to:

- the same shot but HEDWIG has her head on the rack. She
speaks to camera. The wall collage is now long-abandoned and
peeling.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
Late at night, I would listen to voices of
the American masters: Toni Tenille, Debbie
Boone. Anne Murray--who was actually a
Canadian working in the American idiom.
Then there were the crypto-homo rockers:
Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, David Bowie--who was
actually an idiom working in America and To
be a young american in muskrat love soft as
an easy chair, not even the chair, I am I
said! Have I never been mellow? And the
colored girls sing...

YITZHAK AS BACKUP SINGER (V.O.)

Doo do doo...

HEDWIG
I sang along...

YITZHAK & HEDWIG (V.O.)

Doo do doo do doo...

HEDWIG
But never with the melody. How could I do
it better than Toni or Lou?

YITZHAK (V.O.)
...doo do doo...

(CONTINUED)
 19.
20 CONTINUED: (2) 20

HEDWIG
(singing loudly)
She says, hey boy, take a walk on the wild
s-!

Mother hurls a piece of tomato in the direction of the oven.

We cut back to inside the oven: Hedwig has been replaced by 6-

YEAR-OLD HANSEL who is picking tomato seeds off himself and
eating them.

YITZHAK (V.O.)
...doo do doo...

21 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. KITCHEN, AN HOUR LATER - EVENING 21

WIDE SHOT: In the oven, Hansel sings harmony with the backup
singers while Mom sits molding her own CLAY BUST of Stalin.

DISSOLVE TO:

22 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. KITCHEN, A FEW HOURS LATER - NIGHT 22

Its rather dark outside now. Mom’s bust now looks like
Stalin. Hansel is asleep in the oven. Mom yawns, checks her
watch and stands up.

6-year-old Hansel wakes up in the oven.

23 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. KITCHEN, MINUTES LATER - NIGHT 23

At one end of the bathtub, they wash their feet and brush
their teeth. Stalin’s bust watches them from the other end
of the tub.

24 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. BEDROOM, MINUTES LATER - NIGHT 24

Mom and 6-year-old Hansel are lying in the same narrow bed
where Hansel and Dad once lay. Their bodies look like two
pieces of a puzzle that don’t quite fit but are jammed
together and left on a table.

SCREEN GOES BLACK. A title:

BILGEWATER'S CHICAGO

“try our shipwreck buffet ! Women and children first!

(CONTINUED)
 20.
24 CONTINUED: 24

25 INT. BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT, CHICAGO, - NIGHT 25

We’re on a projected DRAWING of Mom and Hansel in the same

position as we last saw them. It is projected onto a
bedsheet.

We widen from the drawing and find Hedwig and the Angry Inch
performing in another franchise. Perhaps we can see the
restroom signs: “Buoys” and “Gulls”. A slightly larger
number of Hedhead groupies are mixed into the still sparse
audience. Hedwig is caught in the emotion of the previous
scene’s memory.

HEDWIG
I’m sorry. I’m completely dilated right now.

She pulls herself together and nods to Skszp who begins an

acoustic guitar intro.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I’d like to share a bedtime story that Mother
once whispered to me in the dark and later
retracted...

The Hedheads shush some other customers who are not paying
attention. They subside.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
...Whatever allowed her to reveal such a story
to such a little boy, I’ll never know. But I
remember it like it happened yesterday.

The following song, The Origin of Love, is illustrated by

projected drawings. The first drawing is a verdant landscape
of mountains and clouds.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
(singing gently)
WHEN THE EARTH WAS STILL FLAT
AND CLOUDS MADE OF FIRE
AND MOUNTAINS STRETCHED UP TO THE SKY
SOMETIMES HIGHER
FOLKS ROAMED THE EARTH
LIKE BIG ROLLING KEGS

(CONTINUED)
 21.
25 CONTINUED: 25

CLOSEUP of the bedsheet: A new slide introduces GLOBULAR

CREATURES into the landscape. This slide disappears and we
begin an....

ANIMATED SEQUENCE

A little animated film within the film tells the story that
Hedwig describes. We cross-cut between this animated film
and Hedwig and the band performing The Origin of Love.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
THEY HAD TWO SETS OF ARMS
THEY HAD TWO SETS OF LEGS
THEY HAD TWO FACES PEERING
OUT OF ONE GIANT HEAD
SO THEY COULD WATCH ALL AROUND THEM
AS THEY TALKED WHILE THEY READ
AND THEY NEVER KNEW NOTHING OF LOVE.
IT WAS BEFORE THE ORIGIN OF LOVE.

THE ORIGIN OF LOVE

AND THERE WAS THREE SEXES THEN

ONE THAT LOOKED LIKE TWO MEN
GLUED UP BACK TO BACK
THEY CALLED THE CHILDREN OF THE SUN.
AND SIMILAR IN SHAPE AND GIRTH
WERE THE CHILDREN OF THE EARTH
THEY LOOKED LIKE TWO GIRLS
ROLLED UP IN ONE.
AND THE CHILDREN OF THE MOON
LOOKED LIKE A FORK SHOVED ON A SPOON.
THEY WERE PART SUN, PART EARTH,
PART DAUGHTER, PART SON.

THE ORIGIN OF LOVE.

NOW THE GODS GREW QUITE SCARED

OF OUR STRENGTH AND DEFIANCE
AND THOR SAID,
“I’M GONNA KILL THEM ALL
WITH MY HAMMER
LIKE I KILLED THE GIANTS.”
AND ZEUS SAID, “NO,
YOU BETTER LET ME
USE MY LIGHTNING LIKE SCISSORS
LIKE I CUT THE LEGS OFF THE WHALES
AND DINOSAURS INTO LIZARDS.”
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 22.
25 CONTINUED: (2) 25
HEDWIG (cont’d)
THEN HE GRABBED UP SOME BOLTS
AND HE LET OUT A LAUGH
SAID, “I’LL SPLIT THEM RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE
GONNA CUT THEM RIGHT UP IN HALF.”
AND THE STORM CLOUDS GATHERED ABOVE
INTO GREAT BALLS OF FIRE.

AND THEN FIRE SHOT DOWN

FROM THE SKY IN BOLTS
LIKE SHINING BLADES
OF A KNIFE.
AND IT RIPPED
RIGHT THROUGH THE FLESH
OF THE CHILDREN OF THE SUN
AND THE MOON
AND THE EARTH
AND SOME INDIAN GOD
SEWED THE WOUND UP INTO A HOLE
PULLED AROUND TO OUR BELLIES
TO REMIND US OF THE PRICE WE PAY
AND OSIRIS AND THE GODS OF THE NILE
GATHERED UP A BIG STORM
TO BLOW A HURRICANE,
TO SCATTER US AWAY,
IN A FLOOD OF WIND AND RAIN,
A SEA OF TIDAL WAVES
TO WASH US ALL AWAY,
AND IF WE DON’T BEHAVE
THEY’LL CUT US DOWN AGAIN
AND WE’LL BE HOPPING AROUND ON ONE FOOT
AND LOOKING THROUGH ONE EYE.

LAST TIME I SAW YOU

WE HAD JUST SPLIT IN TWO
YOU WAS LOOKING AT ME.
I WAS LOOKING AT YOU.
YOU HAD A WAY SO FAMILIAR,
BUT I COULD NOT RECOGNIZE
CAUSE YOU HAD BLOOD ON YOUR FACE
I HAD BLOOD IN MY EYES
BUT I COULD SWEAR BY YOUR EXPRESSION
THAT THE PAIN DOWN IN YOUR SOUL
WAS THE SAME AS THE ONE DOWN IN MINE.
THAT’S THE PAIN,
CUTS A STRAIGHT LINE
DOWN THROUGH THE HEART
WE CALLED IT LOVE.
SO WE WRAPPED OUR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER
TRYING TO SHOVE OURSELVES BACK TOGETHER.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 23.
25 CONTINUED: (3) 25
HEDWIG (cont’d)
WE WERE MAKING LOVE,
MAKING LOVE.
IT WAS A COLD, DARK EVENING
SUCH A LONG TIME AGO,
WHEN BY THE MIGHTY HAND OF JOVE,
IT WAS A SAD STORY
HOW WE BECAME
LONELY TWO-LEGGED CREATURES
IT’S THE STORY OF
THE ORIGIN OF LOVE.
THAT’S THE ORIGIN OF LOVE.

THE ORIGIN OF LOVE.

As the song winds down, TWO ANIMATED FACES--halves that once

formed a whole face--gaze at each other. One is male, the
other female. The faces and the animated world disappear as
the song fades out.

The band finishes the song. The audience is silent, moved

perhaps. A couple starts to leave.

CLOSE on Hedwig:

HEDWIG (cont’d)
After Mother finished, she began to snore.
But I had to go somewhere I could think.

26 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. KITCHEN - NIGHT 26

Six-year-old Hansel’s head is back in the oven. He meditates

on Mother’s story. Hedwig’s voice continues over this.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
It is clear that I must find my other half.
But is it a he or a she? Is it Daddy? He
went away. Or Mother? I was suddenly
afraid to go back to bed...

27 INT. MOTEL ROOM #2- DAWN 27

Sunrise through curtains in a new, smaller motel room--same

decor as the last, but different palette. A television is
playing a videotape of the Chicago show with the sound turned
off (Hedwig’s delivers a monologue with her head on a table
in the same attitude as Hansel’s head on the oven rack). The
band snores in sleeping bags on the floor. A different
GROUPIE (#2), a young man this time, spoons with Jacek.

(CONTINUED)
 24.
27 CONTINUED: 27

Hedwig’s voice-over continues:

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D)

...What does this person look like? Identical
to me? Or somehow complementary?...

WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT: On the (smaller, double) bed, Hedwig and

Yitzhak are in the same spooning position we left them in.
Hedwig, in the dominant position, is snoring and clinging to
Yitzhak from behind.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
...Does my other half have what I don’t? Did
he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were
we really separated forcibly or did he just run
off with the good stuff? Or did I?...

CLOSER SHOT: Camera moves across Hedwig and Yitzhak’s

bodies. We reach Hedwig’s bare lower abdomen and discover a
TATTOO of the male and female “half-faces” from the end of
the Origin sequence. Camera arrives on Yitzhak’s face. His
eyes are wide open.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
...Will this person embarrass me?

Yitzhak slowly and carefully pries his body free so as not to

wake Hedwig. He succeeds and starts to shift away from her
on the bed.

HEDWIG (V.O.)(CONT’D)
...And what about sex? Is that how we put
ourselves back together again? Is that
what Daddy was trying to..? Or can two
people actually become one again? And if
we’re driving on the Autobahn when it
happens, can we still use the diamond lane?

OVERHEAD: Yitzhak’s figure is a sliver of wakefulness

teetering on the edge of the bed.

CUT TO:
 25.

28 EXT. CHICAGOLAND MALL - DAY 28

Hedwig and her band are in the middle of a huge mall near an
escalator. Hedwig sits on an amp with her arm around
Yitzhak; another hand rests on Schlatko’s baby carriage.
Together, they resemble a clan of monkeys clustered together
for safety. Though they are dressed more conservatively than
onstage, passers-by still gawk. A TOMMY GNOSIS SONG, “The
Long Grift”, is playing over the sound system.

TOMMY (ON P.A.)

Look what you done
You gigolo
You know that I loved you, hon
But I didn’t want to know
That your cool, seductive serenade...

Featured in their vicinity is a poster with a picture of

Tommy and his trademark SILVER CROSS. It reads:

Meet Tommy Gnosis In Person

Today at Virgin Records

They listen to the song for a while. Meanwhile, Krzysztof

records mall sounds on his Walkman. Skszp braids Schlatko’s
hair while Schlatko plays with his baby who is strapped into
a leather “snuggly” on his bare chest. Jacek hands out
flyers and cruises the teenagers. Yitzhak dreams. Hedwig
slaps at a mosquito on her neck.

CLOSE ON NECK: A little red bite with a tiny BUBBLE OF BLOOD

on it. The mosquito escaped.

They listen to the song some more. A crowd is gathering to

watch them. Suddenly, Phyllis is there. Hedwig glares at
her.

PHYLLIS
I am so sorry. I was waiting for the phone
company.

She notices the song that’s playing.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
(to Hedwig)
Oh God, is that his new single?

Hedwig would rather walk than answer. They all follow.

Yitzhak, hauling the amp, brings up the rear.

(CONTINUED)
 26.
28 CONTINUED: 28

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
Please, sweetie, don’t say anything to him
today. If you do, he’s got the power. You
know what I mean? He’s got the power. All
we need is a snapshot. Then they’ll know
that you were responsible for some of the
biggest hits of the millenium. And you’ll
be so fucking rich--!

Phyllis’ head suddenly seems to vibrate. She flicks her

tongue against her teeth and then seems to hear something we
don’t.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
Yes? Fine. Bye!
(she flicks again and turns
back to Hedwig)
The photographer is going to meet us at the
store.

She suddenly vibrates again, listens and lets out a shriek of

laughter. She seems to carry on a one-sided conversation.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
You cunt! Fantastic! You? Comes and goes.
Bill Graham? Ahmet Ertegun. Geffen,
Schmeffen. (finishing an unheard
sentence)...drop the soap! The redeye. The
redeye! Hold on.
(to Hedwig)
Sorry. Don’t you just love this new phone?
(indicates inside her ear)
It’s surgically implanted. I know I
probably shouldn’t have--Victor barely left
me a pot to p--but it’s a global economy,
honey--
(to unseen person)
Hedwig. Hedwig! Yeah.
(to Hedwig)
It’s an old friend from CBGB’S. Say hi.

Phyllis points to her teeth. Hedwig speaks tentatively into

Phyllis’ mouth.

HEDWIG
Hello.

PHYLLIS
(listens for a moment, then to
Hedwig)
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 27.
28 CONTINUED: (2) 28
PHYLLIS (cont’d)
He says he loves your work.
(to unseen person)
Meat Loaf? Bowie! Bye!

She hangs up with by flicking her tongue on a tooth.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
If he could drop pounds the way he drops
names.
(re: her phone)
It’s incredible isn’t it? You can send and
receive oral email. And you only need a
local anesthetic to install. They sever a
nerve for comfort. Like I did in my
forehead for the wrinkles. I’m considering
bo-tox injections. Paralyzes the entire
face. Marvelous for negotiations.
(bares her teeth)
Can you tell which is the microphone?
(points to a tooth)
Looks real, doesn’t it? You pick up a call
by flicking it lightly with your tongue.
You can dial verbally, or manually from
this discreet brooch.
(smoothing her dress)
The full system preserves the line of any
ensemble.

They arrive at the entrance of a VIRGIN RECORD STORE.

Yitzhak, sweating profusely, plops the amp down with a grunt.
A crowd of teenagers sporting the silver forehead cross are
waiting to get in. Phyllis motions the band to stay put and
then catches up with Hedwig who is pushing her way to the
entrance where a casually dressed PUBLICIST, holding a
clipboard, stands with two SECURITY MEN.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
Damn, the photographer must be inside already.
(to Publicist)
Hi, I’m Phyllis Stein and--

PUBLICIST
Who are you with?

PHYLLIS
We’re A&R from A&M--

PUBLICIST
I’m sorry, this is a private event.

(CONTINUED)
 28.
28 CONTINUED: (3) 28

PHYLLIS
(indicating the crowd)
A private event?

They argue. A gesture from the Publicist and the security

men begin to usher away Phyllis and Hedwig. Phyllis shouts
over her shoulder to the Publicist.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
I could have your job!...

29 INT. RECORD STORE - CONTINUOUS - DAY 29

CLOSE ON A MALE HAND (TOMMY’S) SIGNING CD’S. His nail-polish

shimmers.

PHYLLIS (O.S. CONT’D)

...I COULD HAVE YOUR JOB!

The hand stops signing as Tommy hears Phyllis’ shouts. A

MOSQUITO lights on his hand. He slaps at it.

EXTREMELY CLOSE on Tommy’s hand to reveal the crushed

mosquito in the center of a smudge of vivid RED BLOOD.

He rubs at the stain and returns to signing.

30 INT. NEARBY LAUNDROMAT - SOON AFTERWARDS 30

Hedwig is scratching her mosquito bite and conferring with

Phyllis. The band is doing their laundry. Krzysztof is
doing Hedwig’s. A couple of CUSTOMERS, including a large
HOUSEWIFE, are there too. Yitzhak is hauling in the huge amp
with great difficulty, trying to find a place to put it.

PHYLLIS
(to Hedwig)
...we’ll continue to shadow Tommy’s tour and
squeeze the local press. I don’t want to blow
our wad on my E! Channel contact til we get to
New York. It’s all about New York! As for
Pittsburgh, I’m expecting a call from that
Musical Gathering of Women of Music and Color,
what is it, the Labial Tour?...uh...the Menses
Fair.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 29.
30 CONTINUED: 30
PHYLLIS (cont’d)
The mainstage is clearly out, but if we could
get on the 2nd, or even the 3rd Stage...
Tommy’s headlining at the “Fucked Tour” the
same weekend so...
(she gets a call)
Yeah? AT&T, finally! I need someone to come
out today, I’m feeling a numbness on the left
side of my face. Can you hold?
(back to Hedwig)
What I want to say is, this photo op idea is a
bad one. I think we should avoid personal
contact with Tommy.

HEDWIG
I disagree.

PHYLLIS
Well--

Hedwig notices Krzysztof taking things out of a dryer.

HEDWIG
Did you put a bra in a dryer? Did you put a
bra in a dryer? How many times do I have to
tell you...?
(screaming now)
YOU DON’T PUT A BRA IN A DRYER! IT WARPS!

He drops the bra in shock. Everyone stares as Hedwig walks to

the Pepsi machine. Silence. Phyllis goes over to the
stunned Krzysztof and picks up the bra.

Meanwhile, Yitzhak is reading a brightly-colored notice (with

rip-off phone #’s) taped on a pillar.

NATIONAL CASTING CALL

RENT
TOUR OF
BROADWAY CRUISES
U.S. POLYNESIA AND GUAM
Auditioning for the following roles:

Mark - young, edgy, blond aspiring filmmaker

Collins - young, edgy, black aspiring musician

(CONTINUED)
 30.
30 CONTINUED: (2) 30

WE ARRIVE AT:

Angel - young, edgy, Puerto Rican

drag queen (must be
comfortable with drums)

Yitzhak’s eyes widen and wander back to a memory. He, and

we, hear far-away APPLAUSE. We cut to Yitzhak’s flashback...

31 INT. BACKSTAGE AT A CROATIAN CABARET SPACE, A FEW YEARS 31

EARLIER - NIGHT

Hedwig and Yitzhak, who is wearing full Barbra Streisand

drag, stand in the wings of a tacky little Eastern European
nightclub stage preparing to go on for their respective
performances. Onstage, an ACCOMPANIST (Skszp, in an earlier
haircut) is noodling on an electric piano.

They are wearing the same wig, but Yitzhak’s is noticeably

bigger and better. Yitzhak smiles nervously at Hedwig, who
nods curtly. Another DRAG QUEEN in a new Barbra wig passes.
The nightclub’s unseen ANNOUNCER is speaking over a P.A.

NIGHTCLUB ANNOUNCER
...(a Serbo-Croatian intro, then:)...Ladies
and gentlemen, I give you Crystal Nacht!

Yitzhak strides out onto the stage to Skszp’s cheesy

sythesized piano intro and huge applause. The audience
quiets and he opens his mouth and sings an exaggeratedly long
opening note of “The Way We Were”.

YITZHAK
Meeeeeeh...

APPLAUSE of recognition from the audience. Yitzhak glories

in the moment.

DISSOLVE TO:

32 INT. CABARET, ONE HOUR LATER - NIGHT 32

Same shot as the last scene. We hear the last note of

Yitzak’s song.

(CONTINUED)
 31.
32 CONTINUED: 32

YITZHAK
...weeere.

She watches with some jealousy as Yitzhak and Skszp bow to

MASSIVE APPLAUSE. The Announcer begins a new introduction.
The spotlight goes to Hedwig in the wings.

NIGHTCLUB ANNOUNCER
(nearly drowned out by the
cheers)
...Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Hedwig!

The applause doesn’t stop and Yitzhak keeps bowing and

sunflowers are thrown at his feet. The spot jerks back to
Yitzhak and Hedwig retreats to the wings.

NIGHTCLUB ANNOUNCER (cont’d)

(struggling to be heard)
...HEDWIG, ladies and gentlemen!

The spot goes back to Hedwig. She tries to enter stage

again. Then she retreats again as the spot zigzags. She
gives up and stalks off.

33 INT. CABARET STAGE DOOR, A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER - NIGHT 33

Hedwig, out of her show costume and carrying two bags, is on

her way out the stage door when Yitzhak accosts her, holding
out stalks of sunflowers to her. He consults a piece of
paper covered with handwriting.

YITZHAK
(heavily-accented English)
Hello, my name is Yitzhak. I am your biggest
fan. Will you marry me?
Please take me away from this living hell.

A look of satisfaction crosses Hedwig’s face. She pointedly

looks up at Yitzhak’s wig and seems to communicate something
silently to him. Yitzhak receives the message with shock.
He makes a painful decision. He lets his flowers fall to the
floor, removes his wig, drops it, and wipes off his lipstick.
Hedwig kisses him full on the lips--like a kiss of death.
Hedwig smiles slightly. She hands Yitzhak her bags and walks
out the stage door. Yitzhak follows numbly. Camera settles
on Yitzhak’s wig, crumpled on the hallway floor amidst the
fallen flowers.

BACK TO:
 32.

34 INT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY 34

Yitzhak returns from her flashback and looks over at Hedwig

and Phyllis. They are not looking in his direction. Very
quietly and covertly, Yitzhak takes down the poster, hides it
under his shirt, and moves to a payphone. Meanwhile, Phyllis
is wrapping up a call while simultaneously comforting
Krzysztof.

PHYLLIS
(on the phone)
...Listen, I’m getting another call, I
should let you go...No, I should let you
go...I’m letting you go.

She flicks her tongue.

KRZYSZTOF
Phyllis, may I use your phone?

PHYLLIS
Uh...

Krzysztof drops a sock. Phyllis bends to pick it up. As she

does, the large HOUSEWIFE opens a drier door and clocks her
in the head.

We suddenly hear the BLARING SIGNAL of a phone off the hook.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
(clutches her ear)
The phone is off the hook! The phone is
off the hook!
(frantically flicking her
tongue)
I can’t hang up! I can’t hang up!

She pulls out the owner’s manual and leafs through it madly.
The signal stops suddenly and Phyllis freezes as if
stunned...or hearing something. Then she lets out a scream.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
We got Menses!

CUT TO:

35 EXT. MENSES FAIR, PITTSBURGH FAIRGROUNDS- DAY 35

WIDE SHOT: A low, empty, treeless hill, barely covered with

mangey grass under a hot midday sun.

(CONTINUED)
 33.
35 CONTINUED: 35

A row of Port-a-Potties stand like Stonehenge on the horizon

of the hill. At the end of the row is a tiny riser/stage on
which Hedwig et al. are performing to a single audience
member, a young willowy-looking GOTH BOY in black lipstick.
Phyllis is videotaping discreetly. An ethereal female FOLK
SONG can be heard from the huge mainstage performance nearby.

We can see a sign posted on the nearest Port-a-Potty:

MENSES FAIR

Below this is a torn sheet of paper with the scrawled words:

Ninth Stage

A BUTCH LESBIAN emerges from the same Port-a-Potty. Everyone

watches her as she walks away from them towards the mainstage
area.

A WHITE PLASTIC BAG suddenly blows onto the stage. It

attracts the eyes of the Goth Boy. Then the band notices it
and start to watch it move slowly across their feet like a
tumbleweed. Even Hedwig is forced to follow its tortuous
path across the stage til it finally falls off the other end.

A HUGE CHEER suddenly rises from the mainstage area.

Everyone turns towards the sound. Another FOLKY SONG begins.
Hedwig approaches the GOTH BOY.

He is pimply and scared, but mesmerized.

Hedwig sits down on the stage in front of him and speaks to

him through her mike.

HEDWIG
One day, in the late mid-eighties...I was
in my early late twenties. I had just been
dismissed from University after delivering
a brilliant lecture on the aggressive
influence of German philosophy on rock and
roll entitled: “You, Kant, Always Get What
You Want.”

The boy doesn’t react.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
At 26, my academic career was over...

The boy smiles.

(CONTINUED)
 34.
35 CONTINUED: (2) 35

HEDWIG (cont’d)
...I had never kissed a boy...

The boy drops his eyes.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
...and I was still sleeping with Mom.

Fear in the boy’s eyes. Hedwig pats a spot on the stage next
to her. He hesitates, then sits.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
The search for my other half on this side
of the wall had proved futile. Might he be
found on the other? But how to get over?
People died trying. Such were the thoughts
flooding my tiny head on the day that I was
sunning myself in an old bomb crater I had
discovered near the wall.

CUT TO:

36 EXT. BERLIN WALL - TEN YEARS EARLIER - DAY 36

HIGH-ANGLE SHOT: A naked 26-YEAR-OLD HANSEL suns himself on

a shattered stone slab by the Berlin Wall (not visible, thank
God). He is played by the same actor playing Hedwig, but out
of drag and wearing a new wave haircut.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D)

I am naked, face down, on a piece of broken
church...

CLOSE SHOT of Hansel’s nose sniffing.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D) (cont’d)

...inhaling a fragrant westerly breeze.

SHOT of a Xerox of the Berlin Wall with (live-action) shiny

GOLDEN ARCHES peeking over the top of it.

HEDWIG) (V.O. CONT’D)

My God, I deserve a break today.

37 EXT. MENSES FAIR, PITTSBURGH - DAY 37

Close on the Goth Boy’s face as he smiles.

(CONTINUED)
 35.
37 CONTINUED: 37

HEDWIG (O.S.)
All I ever get is the Unhappy Meal.

The Goth Boy giggles.

38 EXT. BERLIN WALL - DAY 38

A SHOT of Hansel’s naked rear. SNAP ZOOM to a patch of

SUNLIT SKIN. The skin is suddenly engulfed in shadow. ZOOM
closer to the skin: GOOSEPIMPLES sprout. Hansel shivers and
looks over his shoulder.

HANSEL’S REAR: the shadow of profile of a face rests on it.

Hansel looks up and sees...

...a magnificent black G.I., eclipsing the sun in a crisp

khaki uniform.

LUTHER
(in a Barry White purr)
Girl, I sure don’t mean to annoy you. My
name is Corporal Luther Robinson.

Hansel shifts his hips so that Luther can see the front of
him.

HANSEL
My name is Hansel.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
Luther is silent for a moment as he stares at
my...little bishop in a turtleneck.

Luther stares in shock at what is resting between Hansel’s

legs: a pop-eyed LITTLE BISHOP wearing a turtleneck that is
pulled up over his mouth (a puppet or doll).

LUTHER
Hansel. Well. You must like candy.

CLOSE SHOT of Hansel’s nipple as it hardens.

HANSEL
I like Gummi Baerchen.

SHOT of Luther’s hand holding a colorful, plastic PACKET OF

GUMMY BEARS emblazoned with American words: “New!”
“Improved!” “Cholesterol-free!”

(CONTINUED)
 36.
38 CONTINUED: 38

HANSEL (cont’d)
(trying to pronounce in an
American accent)
Gummy Bears?

INSERT: Hansel’s fingers enter the bag and produce a single

colored GLEAMING BEAR.

He puts the bear onto his tongue. Through his open mouth, we
see it being chewed.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
The taste is completely different from a
gummi bear, yet somehow familiar. It is
much sweeter than a gummi bear and softer,
too.

We see its little gummy body stretching on the rack of his

molars.

HANSEL
Wow, I feel so optimistic. What is that
flavor?

Luther extends his massive hand, overflowing with bears.

Hansel’s hand grabs a bunch. The PUPILS of Luther’s eyes
contract dramatically.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
His eyes are heavy with an unfamiliar
desire. Could it be a desire to please?
Me?

CLOSE on Hansel’s eye widening.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
I suddenly recognize the flavor in my
mouth. It’s the taste of power. Not bad.

Luther’s lips and mustache.

LUTHER
Damn, Hansel, I can’t believe you’re not a
girl, you so fine. Why don’t you take the
whole bag?

He grins.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
He searches my face for news of his fate.
His expression is echoed in scores of tiny
faces...

(CONTINUED)
 37.
38 CONTINUED: (2) 38

BEAR FACES are crowded behind plastic. We pan, zoom and rack
focus to different faces.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
...pressing against clear plastic. Panting
faces of every imaginable color, creed, and
non-Aryan origin...

A MIST begins to form on the plastic over the gummy faces.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
...fogging up the bag like the windows of a
Polish bathhouse.

The mist has completely obscured the plastic.

HANSEL
It’s only a shower. Absolute power.

The bag falls to the ground. Hansel’s hand slaps his own
face and pushes Luther away.

SHOT of Hansel’s feet running through the rubble.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D)

I stumble naked through the ruins, back
towards blander, less complicated
confections...

CLOSEUP of a packet of drably colored, sad-faced East German

GUMMI BAERCHEN against a Xeroxed backdrop of an East Berlin
cityscape.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D) (cont’d)

...leaving in my wake a trail of rainbow
carnage.

A TRAIL OF MANGLED GUMMY BEARS cuts a colorful line across

the gray ruins.

HEDWIG (V.O. CONT’D) (cont’d)

Next day, Hansel follows the trail back...

39 EXT. BERLIN WALL, NEXT DAY - DAY 39

Morning light, we follow Hansel’s SHOD FEET as he follows the

trail of bears. The trail leads him successively to:

(CONTINUED)
 38.
39 CONTINUED: 39

...a MILKY WAY...

...a ROLL OF NECCO WAFERS...

...some POP ROCKS...

...and, lying on Hansel’s sunbathing slab, a grinning LUTHER,

naked but for a mound of American candies covering his pelvis
area.

BACK TO:

40 EXT. MENSES FAIR - DAY 40

CLOSE on the Goth Boy’s MOUTH as he screams with laughter.

SCREEN GOES BLACK. “Deutschland Ueber Alles” blares on solo

electric guitar as a title appears:

BILGEWATER'S CATSKILLS

“grab a bucket! we’re goin’ down....

to Bilgewater's!”

CUT TO:

41 INT. BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT, CATSKILLS MTS.- NIGHT 41

Hedwig strikes a triumphant pose as Deutschland Ueber Alles

continues.

We widen to find that they are performing for a crowd of

lobster-bibbed Jewish retirees on a stage set up in a
slightly different spot in the restaurant. CLOSE SHOTS of
YARMULKES, STAR OF DAVID NECKLACES, MEDIC ALERT BRACELETS
adorning many of the senior citizens sitting stone-faced at
their tables.

We suddenly see that Hedwig is posing in front of a bedsheet

projection of a giant SWASTIKA. She is suddenly struck by
the unfortunate choice of venue. In the back of the room,
next to a swiveling follow-spot, Phyllis’ face is in her
hands. A country-flavored guitar vamp begins. Hedwig gives
the band a “well, here goes!”-look and they lurch into a
plucky rendition of Sugar Daddy.

(CONTINUED)
 39.
41 CONTINUED: 41

HEDWIG
(singing)
I’VE GOT A SWEET TOOTH
FOR LICORICE DROPS AND JELLY ROLL.
HEY, SUGAR DADDY
HANSEL NEEDS SOME SUGAR IN HIS BOWL
I’LL LAY OUT FINE CHINA ON THE LINEN
AND POLISH UP THE CHROME
AND IF YOU GOT SOME SUGAR FOR ME
SUGAR DADDY, BRING IT HOME.

BLACK STRAP MOLASSES

YOU’RE MY ORANGE BLOSSOM HONEY BEAR.
BRING ME VERSACE BLUE JEANS
AND BLACK DESIGNER UNDERWEAR
LET’S DRESS UP LIKE THE DISCO DANCING JET SET
IN MILAN AND ROME
AND IF YOU GOT SOME SUGAR FOR ME
SUGAR DADDY, BRING IT HOME

OH, THE THRILL OF CONTROL

LIKE THE RUSH OF ROCK AND ROLL
IS THE SWEETEST TASTE I’VE KNOWN
SO COME ON, SUGAR DADDY, BRING IT HOME
(speaking)
Looks like we got some sugar daddies in the
house tonight.

The audience remains stunned. Hedwig works the room

valiantly.

YITZHAK AND SKSZP

WHEN HONEY BEES GO SHOPPING
IT’S SOMETHING TO BE SEEN

She accosts an OLD MAN.

HEDWIG
You could give me a cavity, honey.

YITZHAK AND SKSZP

THEY SWARM TO WILDFLOWERS
AND GET NECTAR FOR THE QUEEN.

She approaches another BLANK-FACED CODGER.

HEDWIG
And you could fill that cavity, sweetie.

(CONTINUED)
 40.
41 CONTINUED: (2) 41

HEDWIG, YITZHAK AND SKSZP

AND EVERYTHING YOU BRING ME GETS ME
DRIPPING LIKE A HONEYCOMB.

She stands up on the arms of his chair, straddling him and

polishes his bald head with the suede fringe of her dress.

HEDWIG
It’s a car wash, ladies and gentlemen!
(singing)
AND IF YOU GOT SOME SUGAR FOR ME
SUGAR DADDY, BRING IT HOME

OH THE THRILL OF CONTROL

LIKE A BLITZKRIEG ON THE ROLL
IS THE SWEETEST TASTE I’VE KNOWN
SO IF YOU GOT SOME SUGAR, BRING IT HOME
OH COME ON, SUGAR DADDY, BRING IT HOME!

WHISKEY AND FRENCH CIGARETTES

A MOTORBIKE WITH HIGH SPEED JETS
A WATERPIK, A CUISINART
AND A HYPO-ALLERGENIC DOG
I WANT ALL THE LUXURIES OF THE MODERN AGE
AND EVERY ITEM ON EVERY PAGE
IN THE LILIAN VERNON CATALOGUE

SKSZP
(as Luther)
BABY, SUMPIN’S CROSSED MY MIND
AND I WAS THINKIN YOU’D LOOK SO FINE
IN A VELVET DRESS WITH HEELS
AND AN ERMINE STOLE.

HEDWIG
OH, LUTHER, DARLING, HEAVEN KNOWS
I’VE NEVER PUT ON WOMEN’S CLOTHES.
EXCEPT FOR ONCE MY MOTHER’S CAMISOLE.

SO YOU THINK ONLY A WOMAN

CAN TRULY LOVE A MAN
THEN YOU BUY ME THE DRESS,
I’LL BE MORE WOMAN
THAN A MAN LIKE YOU CAN STAND
I’LL BE YOUR VENUS ON A CHOCOLATE CLAM SHELL
RISING ON A SEA OF MARSHMALLOW FOAM
AND IF YOU GOT SOME SUGAR FOR ME
SUGAR DADDY, BRING IT HOME
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 41.
41 CONTINUED: (3) 41
HEDWIG (cont’d)

IT’S OUR TRADITION TO CONTROL

LIKE ERICH HONECKER AND HELMUT KOHL.
FROM THE UKRAINE TO THE RHONE
SWEET HOME UEBER ALLES
LORD, I’M COMING HOME!
SO COME ON, SUGAR DADDY, BRING ME HOME!

Big finish with PROJECTIONS and AMERICAN FLAG.

The audience remains frozen. Hedwig’s smile is a rictus.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
It wasn’t a traditional wedding. For example,
when Luther popped the question, I believe I
was on my knees.

The crowd EXPLODES WITH LAUGHTER. Everyone on stage is

startled. Hedwig signals Yitzhak and mouths “get the coat!”

HEDWIG (cont’d)
The pelt, you like? Some shiksa stopped me on
the way in. (Midwestern accent) “What poor
unfortunate creature had to die for you to wear
that?” “My Bubby,” I replied.

She’s slaying them. Phyllis is laughing hysterically.

Yitzhak is disgusted. He puts on his headphones.

CUT TO:

42 INT. HOTEL BROOM CLOSET - DAY 42

Hedwig and Phyllis are standing in a broom closet dressed as

hotel cleaning staff. Phyllis, holding a camera, is peeking
out the closet door. Hedwig wears a dark wig with a bun over
her blonde wig. A Tommy song plays somewhere in the hotel.

Through the door, we can see a GROUP OF ROCK AND ROLL TYPES
standing in a hallway waiting for an elevator. Wedged
between a BLONDE BIMBO is Tommy, looking disoriented.

(CONTINUED)
 42.
42 CONTINUED: 42

Hedwig pushes past Phyllis and strides out of the closet into
the hallway. Phyllis follows with the camera.

CUT TO:

43 EXT. HOTEL BACK ENTRANCE, A FEW MINUTES LATER - DAY 43

Phyllis and Hedwig are forcibly ejected into an alley by TWO

SECURITY PEOPLE wearing uniforms that match Hedwig’s and
Phyllis’.

PHYLLIS
(screaming)
I could have your job!

They stand humiliated among the garbage cans.

43A EXT. CROATIAN CREDIT UNION - DAY 43A

STATIC WIDE SHOT: The facade of a suburban Croatian credit

union building. Yitzhak walks up to the door of the building
and goes in.

43B EXT. CROATIAN CREDIT UNION, A FEW MINUTES LATER - DAY 43B

SAME WIDE SHOT: Yitzhak walks out of the building counting a

wad of cash.

44 EXT. MOTEL (NOT #3)- NIGHT 44

WIDE SHOT: We dolly across a ground-floor row of cheap motel

rooms. We find Hedwig and Phyllis strategizing inside one of
the rooms. Then we continue to dolly to find Yitzhak,
wearing headphones, practices for his Rent audition outside
the room next door. Silently mouthing words, he sketches out
his choreography which incorporates drumming on a amp.

The rest of the band watches him with nervous awe from inside
the second motel room.

Yitzhak leaps “Cats”-like onto the amp. At the same

moment...

...Phyllis steps out of her motel room onto the balcony.

(CONTINUED)
 43.
44 CONTINUED: 44

Yitzhak sees her and freezes. The band swiftly draw the
curtains in their room. Yitzhak and Phyllis regard each
other for a moment. Phyllis notices a fanny-pack at her feet
and picks it up. She pulls one of Hedwig’s wigs out of it.
And then the “Rent” audition poster. Horrified, she looks
back towards the motel room containing Hedwig. Yitzhak tears
the wig and poster out of her hands and runs away. Phyllis
watches him go in consternation.

SCREEN GOES BLACK. Title:

BILGEWATER'S TEANECK

“Chapter 11 Special: yesterday’s clams at Yesterday’s prices!”

CUT TO:

45 INT. BILGEWATER'S RESTAURANT, TEANECK, NEW JERSEY - DAY 45

The usual room is more crowded than we’ve seen it. People
are having a pretty good time. Hedwig & the band are on the
stage which is again in a slightly different spot. The
audience includes a lot of foam-wigged Hedheads, including
new members: the Menses Fair Goth Boy, and the no-longer-
Blank-Faced Codger whose head was polished during Sugar
Daddy. Yitzhak is wearing headphones.

HEDWIG
I invited Luther home for dinner. After
dessert he produces a ring and an application
for American citizenship.
(as Hansel)
He loves me, Mother...

46 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. KITCHEN - EVENING 46

Mom, Luther and Hansel have finished dinner (knackwurst and

kraut). Mom is serving jello squares with gummi bears cooked
inside. 26-year-old Hansel finishes Hedwig’s sentence.

HANSEL
...he wants to marry me and get me the hell
out of here.

Hansel dons a hideously braided beige wig.

HANSEL (cont’d)
Mother, is this so crazy it just might
work?

(CONTINUED)
 44.
46 CONTINUED: 46

On the wall MOM’s frozen face is framed photographically in a

mirror which is flanked by framed photos of female ancestors.

MOM
Get my passport and my camera, Hansel. I know
a certain party--

HEDWIG
(in an aside to camera)
Yes, the party she’d be having after I
left.

MOM
(rifling through a drawer)
It’s a simple cut and paste job. We change
the photo and you can use my name, Hedwig
Schmidt.

LUTHER
Not so simple, ladies.
(to Hansel)
Baby, you know I love you. I’m always
thinkin’ of you. But I got to marry you
here. In East Berlin. And that means a
full physical examination.

HANSEL
Why, they’ll see right away--

LUTHER
Baby, to walk away, you gotta leave
something behind. Am I right, Mrs.
Schmidt?

Mom, with passport and camera, is shaken for a moment. Then:

MOM
I’ve always thought so, Luther. Hansel, to be
free, one must give up a little part of
oneself. And I know just the doctor to take
it.

SMASH CUT TO:

47 INT. PODIATRIST’S OFFICE - DAY 47

A shot of a PODIATRIST holding a CALLUS-SCRAPER as he

examines someone’s foot. We snapzoom out and see a large
DIAGRAM OF A FOOT on the wall behind him. The Podiatrist
suddenly notices the camera and smiles broadly.

BACK TO:
 45.

48 INT. EAST BERLIN APT. KITCHEN 48

MOM
(suddenly with a camera
pointed at Hansel)
Don’t move!

A FLASH illuminates Hansel’s horrified face and we...

MATCH CUT TO:

49 INT. BILGEWATER'S TEANECK -DAY 49

A matching strobe FLASH on Hedwig’s face and the band kicks

into The Angry Inch. The general audience is startled. The
Hedheads are in punk rock heaven.

- INSERT of a live LOBSTER in a tank. The water is trembling

with the force of the music.

HEDWIG
MY SEX CHANGE OPERATION GOT BOTCHED
MY GUARDIAN ANGEL FELL ASLEEP ON THE WATCH
NOW ALL I GOT IS A BARBIE DOLL CROTCH
I GOT AN ANGRY INCH.
SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK
I GOT A I GOT AN ANGRY INCH
SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK
I GOT A I GOT AN ANGRY INCH

- Some people get up and leave. Others are banging their

heads.

- The RESTAURANT MANAGER is yelling at Phyllis who is pogoing

happily.

- INSERT of a hand dropping the live lobster into a pot of

boiling water. A SCREAMING SOUND.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I’M FROM THE LAND WHERE YOU STILL HEAR THE
CRIES
I HAD TO GET OUT, HAD TO SEVER ALL TIES
I CHANGED MY NAME AND ASSUMED A DISGUISE
I GOT AN ANGRY INCH
SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK
I GOT A I GOT AN ANGRY INCH
SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 46.
49 CONTINUED: 49
HEDWIG (cont’d)
I GOT A I GOT AN ANGRY INCH
SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK
THE TRAIN IS COMING AND I’M TIED TO THE TRACK
I TRY TO GET UP BUT BUT I CAN’T GET NO SLACK
I GOT A ANGRY INCH ANGRY INCH

- INSERT: In the kitchen, the cook’s hands pull the lobster

out of the pot and starts to chop it up in time to the beat.

The crowd grows more agitated. The Manager is screaming at

Hedwig now. She screams back at him:

HEDWIG (cont’d)
MY MOTHER MADE MY TITS OUT OF CLAY!
MY BOYFRIEND TOLD ME THAT HE’D TAKE ME AWAY
THEY DRAGGED ME TO THE DOCTOR ONE DAY
I’VE GOT AN ANGRY INCH
SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK
I GOT A I GOT AN ANGRY INCH
SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK
I GOT A I GOT AN ANGRY INCH

The band takes it down to a throbbing vamp punctuated by

pulsing strobes. Hedwig tells a story. (accompanied by
flashes of shots from the Podiatrist’s office of his face,
the foot diagram, his instruments, blood in a pan, etc.)

HEDWIG (cont’d)
LONG STORY SHORT.
WHEN I WOKE UP FROM THE OPERATION
I WAS BLEEDING DOWN THERE.
I WAS BLEEDING FROM THE GASH BETWEEN MY LEGS.
MY FIRST DAY AS A WOMAN
AND ALREADY IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.
BUT TWO DAYS LATER
THE HOLE CLOSED UP.
THE WOUND HEALED
AND I WAS LEFT
WITH A ONE INCH MOUND OF FLESH
WHERE MY PENIS USED TO BE
WHERE MY VAGINA NEVER WAS.
A ONE INCH MOUND OF FLESH WITH A SCAR RUNNING
DOWN IT LIKE A SIDEWAYS GRIMACE
ON AN EYELESS FACE
JUST A LITTLE BULGE...

(CONTINUED)
 47.
49 CONTINUED: (2) 49

A middle-aged, powerful-looking FAT MAN in the front row

stands and screams in her face.

FAT MAN
Faggot!

HEDWIG
...IT WAS AN ANGRY INCH!

Yitzhak takes the Fat Man out with a flying tackle (or he
throws his mikestand at him) and starts to wail on him.
Screams. The FAT MAN’S WIFE leaps onto the stage and jumps
up and down in hysterical glee. Families start to mosh.
Turkey legs and pasta fly through the air. Someone punches
the person next to them. It’s a 911 situation. Members of
the band jump off the stage at different junctures to help
Yitzhak. Hedwig throws her head back and laughs madly.

Jacek drops his guitar and jumps into Yitzhak’s fight.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK
STAY UNDERCOVER TIL THE NIGHT TURNS TO BLACK
I GOT AN INCH AND I’M SET TO ATTACK
I GOT AN ANGRY INCH! ANGRY INCH!

Skszp leaps into the fray after tossing his guitar to Yitzhak
who keeps the rhythm going. Krzysztof is right behind him
still holding onto his bass as a weapon. Then Hedwig’s and
Yitzhak’s eyes meet. They smile grimly. Shoulder to
shoulder, they sing into the last mike standing.

HEDWIG & YITZHAK

SIX INCHES FORWARD AND FIVE INCHES BACK
THE TRAIN IS COMING AND I’M TIED TO THE
TRACK
I TRY TO GET UP BUT BUT I CAN’T GET NO SLACK
I GOT AN ANGRY INCH ANGRY INCH

HEDWIG’S POV: The room is swaying with fights, flight and

terror. Phyllis has the Restaurant Manager in a headlock.
No one is paying attention to her. Yitzhak is blazing with
his own fire.

SLOW MOTION: Hedwig, feeling ignored, moves away from the

mike, climbs a bass cabinet and jumps away from the crowd.
She’s hurtling over some diners. They look up as she passes.
She seems to be flying now. She headed for the window.

(CONTINUED)
 48.
49 CONTINUED: (3) 49

She’s out the window.

(The following Flying Sequence is a composite of a live-

action Hedwig flying through a series of drawings projected
by rearscreen.)

She flies through drawings of clouds. Drawings of objects

whiz by: birds and an airplane trailing a banner that says:

November 9, 1988.
Hedwig looks down and sees a Xerox of the East Berlin
cityscape.

HEDWIG’S POV - She approaches the Xeroxed Berlin Wall and an

ugly office building near it. In a window of the building,
she sees DRAWINGS of Luther in dress uniform and Hansel
wearing a bad braided wig and a wedding dress. They are
being married by a drab government Functionary.

Live-action Hedwig swoops in the window and...

...enters the drawing. Through the windows, we can see that

Hedwig has become a drawing. She scoops up Hansel and
installs him on her back. Luther grabs for Hansel, ripping
off his wig and dress. Newly naked Hansel holds onto the
mane of Hedwig’s hair as she flies out another window...

...and Hedwig becomes live-action again. Hansel has now

become a DOLL. Hand in hand, they fly over the Wall and
continue over the Atlantic Ocean. Hedwig somehow produces a
cigarette and perhaps a cocktail. She enjoys them as she
flies.

They look down and see a WHALE jump out of the ocean. It’s
the whale from Origin of Love with all his legs intact. The
whale makes a big splash. We cut back to Hedwig and Hansel
who get a glassful of REAL WATER in their face. They laugh.
(there are different Hansel dolls with different
expressions).

She and the Hansel Doll fly past the Statue of Liberty and
over the continental United States. She heads towards a
state labelled “Kansas” with a signed marked “Junction City”
and. An American eagle flies by trailing a banner that says:

November 9, 1989

(CONTINUED)
 49.
49 CONTINUED: (4) 49

Hedwig and Hansel fly directly towards the sign which is

pockmarked with bullet holes. They fly directly into a
bullet hole into a live-action environment (digital
transition).

50 INT. MOBILE HOME, JUNCTION CITY - PRE-SUNSET 50

Hedwig falls heavily into a Lay-Z-Boy recliner. She is now

wearing the bad braided wig and holding a TV remote control
in one hand. In the other is...

INSERT: A cocktail napkin with a drawing of Hansel with a

shocked look on his face.

We cut to a wide shot to find that she is sitting in front of

a television in a one-room mobile home. Luther stands in the
doorway, one hand on the knob, the other holding the hand of
a cute, blond PRETTYBOY (new name) standing outside on the
stoop holding a suitcase. Luther shrugs at Hedwig, grins,
waves goodbye and slams the door behind him.

CUT TO:

50A EXT. MOBILE HOME, JUNCTION CITY - CONTINUOUS 50A

WIDE SHOT: Luther and his Prettyboy walk away from Hedwig’s
mobile home which is standing in the grassy expanse directly
under a huge power line tower outside the borders of a large
trailer park.

BACK TO:

50B INT. MOBILE HOME, JUNCTION CITY - CONTINUOUS 50B

Hedwig, in shock, looks over at the -

- television screen, which is flashing live NEWS IMAGES OF

THE BERLIN WALL COMING DOWN.

HEDWIG’S FACE: the dawn of horror. She turns off the TV with
the remote. She looks at the table next to her at -

- a framed SNAPSHOT of Mother, wearing a floppy hat and a

grim expression, lying on a chaise on a beach with a fruity
drink in her hand. Printed across the bottom: “Greetings
from Sunny Yugoslavia!”

(CONTINUED)
 50.
50B CONTINUED: 50B

Hedwig throws the photo across the room. From the same table
she picks up -

- a FRAMED PHOTO of Luther biting into a hot dog.

She flings it across the room.

It hits a shelf and upends a FLOWER ARRANGEMENT and a CARD

that reads: “Happy Anniversary! All my love, Luther”

She staggers into the kitchen area and suddenly catches

herself in a MIRROR. Her reflection fills her with disgust.
She snatches up an ELECTRIC CARVING KNIFE, saws the single
braid off her wig and hurls it away.

It hits the same shelf and knocks the lid off a very tall
BERIBBONED GIFT BOX.

The discarded braid lies partially unravelled on the shag

carpet like a beige explosion of alarmed acrylic. Hedwig
hurls herself face-down onto her sofa-bed.

Lights soften into sunset. The mournful piano intro of Wig

in a Box begins.

HEDWIG
(sings)
ON NIGHTS
LIKE THIS
WHEN THE WORLD’S A BIT AMISS
AND THE LIGHTS GO DOWN
ACROSS THE TRAILER PARK
I GET DOWN
I FEEL HAD
I FEEL ON THE VERGE OF GOING MAD
AND THEN ITS TIME TO PUNCH THE CLOCK

She goes to the cracked bathroom mirror.

THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW we see Skszp out in the twilit

yard accompanying her on piano.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I PUT ON SOME MAKEUP
AND TURN ON THE TAPE DECK
AND PULL THE WIG BACK ON MY HEAD.
SUDDENLY I’M MISS MIDWEST
MIDNIGHT CHECKOUT QUEEN
UNTIL I HEAD HOME
AND I PUT MYSELF TO BED

(CONTINUED)
 51.
50B CONTINUED: (2) 50B

THROUGH ANOTHER WINDOW, we see Jacek playing a guitar phrase.

Hedwig sits down with a drink.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I LOOK BACK ON WHERE I’M FROM
LOOK AT THE WOMAN I’VE BECOME
AND THE STRANGEST THINGS
SEEM SUDDENLY ROUTINE.
I LOOK UP FROM MY VERMOUTH ON THE ROCKS

She notices the tall delidded beribboned box on the shelf. A

single brilliant PLATINUM TRESS is spilling out of the top.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
A GIFTWRAPPED WIG STILL IN THE BOX
OF TOWERING VELVETINE.
I PUT ON SOME MAKEUP

INSERT: a false eyelash goes onto her eyelid.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
AND SOME LAVERN BAKER

INSERT: Hedwig’s hand puts a needle on a spinning LP.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
AND PULL THE WIG DOWN FROM THE SHELF

She opens the gift box and pulls out tissue paper.

Cut to TIGHT SHOT of her face. We widen to find a fabulous

BOUFFANT WIG on her head. She dons it over the remnants of
her first wig.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
SUDDENLY I’M MISS BEEHIVE 1963

Hedwig hears a knock, quickly removes the wig.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
UNTIL I WAKE UP AND I TURN BACK TO MYSELF

She opens the door to find YITZHAK on the stoop holding a

platter and wearing a chef’s hat and a barbeque apron. On
the platter is a fabulous FARRAH FAWCETT-STYLE WIG perched on
a styrofoam head. Yitzhak grins hugely and begins to sing
backup. Hedwig takes the wighead and considers it as Hamlet
considered Yoric.

(CONTINUED)
 52.
50B CONTINUED: (3) 50B

Meanwhile, the members of the Angry Inch, enter the trailer

playing their instruments (Schlatko has a child-sized drum
kit attached to his body).

HEDWIG (cont’d)
SOME GIRLS THEY HAVE NATURAL EASE
THEY WEAR IT ANY WAY THEY PLEASE
WITH THEIR FRENCH FLIP CURLS
AND PERFUMED MAGAZINES

Yitzhak throws off the chef’s hat, grabs the bouffant wig,
dons it and sings Aretha-style.

YITZHAK
WEAR IT UP!
LET IT DOOOOWN!

Hedwig snatches the bouffant off his head. A musician whips

off her own mutilated wig to revealing a wig cap underneath.
She is escorted to her vanity table.

HEDWIG
THIS IS THE BEST WAY THAT I’VE FOUND
TO BE THE BEST YOU’VE EVER SEEN

A band member places a shining LIGHT-UP MAKEUP MIRROR onto

the vanity in front of her.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I PUT ON SOME MAKEUP

Someone produces an EIGHT-TRACK PLAYER.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
AND TURN UP THE EIGHT-TRACK

Another musician lowers the Farrah wig onto her head.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I’M PULLING THE WIG DOWN FROM THE SHELF

In the mirror, we suddenly see her magically made-up. An

unseen wind machine billows her new wig perfectly. Glitter
fills the air.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
SUDDENLY I’M MISS FARRAH FAWCETT FROM TV!

The mirror turns 180 degrees to its MAGNIFYING SIDE,

revealing a grotesque, funhouse reflection of Hedwig, taking
her aback.

(CONTINUED)
 53.
50B CONTINUED: (4) 50B

HEDWIG (cont’d)
UNTIL I WAKE UP
AND I TURN BACK TO MYSELF.

In the mirror, a series of WIG DRAWINGS of various styles

successively superimpose themselves onto Hedwig’s head
(digitally) as she sings about them (inspired by the Rolling
Stones’ Some Girls album cover).

HEDWIG (cont’d)
SHAG
BILEVEL
BOB
DOROTHY HAMILL DO
SAUSAGE CURLS
CHICKEN WINGS
IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!
WITH YOUR BLOW-DRIED
FEATHER BACK

Band members’ heads appear in the mirror and wigs slide onto
them, too, as they lipsynch along to Hedwig’s vocals:

YITZHAK
TONI HOME WAVE, TOO

KRZYSZTOF
FLIP

SKSZP
FRO

SCHLATKO
FRIZZ

JACEK
FLOP

Luther’s smiling head appears in the mirror with a wig on it.

LUTHER
IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

Hedwig’s Mom’s angry head with another wig.

MOM
IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

(CONTINUED)
 54.
50B CONTINUED: (5) 50B

Six-year-old Hansel (his head horizontal as if lying in the

oven) wearing a another wig.

HANSEL
IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

51 EXT. MOBILE HOME - NIGHT 51

Framed in a window on the front-door side of the trailer, are

the faces of Hedwig and the band looking at camera.

HEDWIG
(to the audience)
Now, it’s your turn.

The lyrics of the chorus scroll into frame. An DRAWING OF A

WIG bounces on each word as everyone sings:

HEDWIG & THE BAND

I PUT ON SOME MAKEUP
AND TURN UP THE EIGHT TRACK.
I’M PULLING THE WIG DOWN FROM THE SHELF!

On a huge power chord, the front wall of the trailer blows

out and crashes to the ground to reveal Hedwig and the band
wearing the most fabulous punk rock wigs and outfits ever.
It’s as if the trailer has been transformed into a three-
walled box stage set (with ceiling intact) spilling light out
into the night.

HEDWIG
SUDDENLY I’M THIS PUNK ROCK STAR
OF STAGE AND SCREEN
AND I AIN’T NEVER...
I’M NEVER TURNING BACK!

DOLLY SHOT: We dolly rapidly away from the band as they rock
out on the trailer “stage”. The trailer shrinks in the shot
as the giant powerline tower looming over it comes into view.
We hear HUGE APPLAUSE and we...

CUT BACK TO:

 55.

52 INT. BILGEWATER'S TEANECK 52

Hedwig hits the floor hard, completing the course of her long
stage dive. The Angry Inch song comes to an end and the
applause cuts out.

We widen. Hedwig’s prone body is surrounded by stunned

customers standing motionless in the debris of the melee.

53 EXT. HIGHWAY REST STOP - DAY (SCENE RESTORED) 53

A shot of the facade of a highway rest stop building with

Men’s and Women’s Rooms clearly marked and a sign:

PENDERGRASS REST STOP

State of New Jersey

The Angry Inch and Phyllis lounge on the landscaped rocks in

front of the building. (band’s tour vehicle deleted)

54 INT. HIGHWAY REST STOP BUILDING, LADIES’ ROOM - CONTINUOUS 54

TWO CONSERVATIVE-LOOKING WOMEN are checking their makeup as

we hear someone PEEING in one of the stalls. The women can’t
help but notice the unusually loud volume of the peeing. The
sound stops, a final SQUIRT and a FLUSHING SOUND. Then we
hear the SOUND OF A TOILET SEAT BEING KICKED DOWN. The women
are alarmed.

Phyllis suddenly enters holding her camera.

PHYLLIS
Honey, Tommy’s here. Let’s --

Hedwig bursts out of the stall and exits the ladies’ room
with Phyllis close behind.

Phyllis (cont’d)
...not do anything rash...

55 EXT. HIGHWAY REST STOP - CONTINUOUS 55

Hedwig’s POV (a handheld shot with a wig visible in the

periphery of the frame): Hedwig marches out of the ladies’
room past Yitzhak who is talking excitedly on a pay phone.

(CONTINUED)
 56.
55 CONTINUED: 55

Yitzhak sees Hedwig and quickly hangs up. Hedwig brushes

past him and past the rest of the band as she approaches...

...a huge TOUR BUS in the parking lot. Hedwig strides right
up to the bus door like Gena Rowlands in Gloria. A burly
BODYGUARD (#1) blocks her way.

She kneecaps him. He goes down. She enters the bus.

56 INT. TOMMY’S TOUR BUS, CONTINUOUS - DAY 56

Tommy and his Publicist look up from luxurious armchairs.

Tommy panics and flees to the back of the bus. The Publicist
tries to block Hedwig’s way.

PUBLICIST
You can’t come in here. What do you want?

HEDWIG
He knows.

She slams the Publicist against a wall and strides into the
next room of the bus. Tommy cowers behind a leather
loveseat.

TOMMY
I don’t know her!

HEDWIG
You know me!

TOMMY
I don’t know her!

HEDWIG
You know me!

PUBLICIST
(weeping)
WHO ARE YOU WITH?

BODYGUARDS #1 and 2 enter the bus and wrestle Phyllis’ camera

from her.

TOMMY
I DON’T KNOW HER! I NEVER KNEW HER!

HEDWIG
YOU KNEW ME! YOU KNOW ME! OKAY,
MOTHERFUCKER! MAMA’S BACK FOR MORE!

(CONTINUED)
 57.
56 CONTINUED: 56

The bodyguards are suddenly on Hedwig. They drag her,

kicking and screaming, out of the bus.

57 EXT. TOUR BUS - CONTINUOUS 57

They throw her onto the pavement. Phyllis and the band are
there to help her. Schlatko lunges at a Bodyguard but the
bus door closes in his face. The bus takes off, leaving them
in its dust. Bystanders gape.

58 EXT. REST STOP, A FEW HOURS LATER - NIGHT 58

Hedwig and the band are performing just outside the rest stop
toilets to a handful of enthusiastic highway travelers. The
show is complete with tiny p.a. system and bedsheet
projections. Hedwig screams into the evening sky.

HEDWIG
TOMMY! CAN YOU HEAR ME? FROM THIS MILKLESS TIT
YOU SUCKED THE VERY BUSINESS WE CALL SHOW!

The audience cheers.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
Okay. You want to know about Tommy Gnosis?

AUDIENCE
(shouting)
Yes!

HEDWIG
You want to know about Tommy Gnosis?

AUDIENCE
YES!

HEDWIG
I’ll tell you about Tommy Gnosis.
(to Yitzhak re: the fur coat)
Get this dead thing off me.

Audience whoops.

(CONTINUED)
 58.
58 CONTINUED: 58

HEDWIG (cont’d)
After my divorce, I scraped by with babysitting
gigs and odd jobs. Mostly the jobs we call
blow. I had lost my job at the base PX. And I
had lost my gag reflex. You do the math. I
sat for the baby of General Speck, Commander of
the nearby Army Fort. His other son was the
artist formerly known as my buttboy.

Bedsheet projection of a drawing of TOMMY with a CHRISTIAN

FISH SYMBOL on his t-shirt (like the one we saw her doodling
in Motel #1 scene).

HEDWIG (cont’d)
Yes, Tommy Speck. Tommy was a 17-year-old,
classic-rock-loving, Dungeons-and-Dragons-
obsessed, Jesus freak with a fish on his truck
and I found him incredibly hot.

CUT TO:

59 INT. TOMMY’S BATHROOM - EVENING 59

The cartoon becomes real. TOMMY is lying in a bath on a

bathpillowvwith the water running. The cartoon Christian
fish swims away. A gentle Tommy song plays (The Water Song).

HEDWIG (V.O.)
I don’t know, perhaps it was his disdain for
authority, his struggle with organized
religion.

A SHOT of Tommy’s hand “masturbating” (strangling another red-

faced BISHOP IN A TURTLENECK DOLL (#2) that is standing
between Tommy’s legs).

Back to TOMMY’S FACE: The water starts to churn.

We see that the bathroom door is wide open, revealing the

hallway beyond. Hedwig, holding the Speck baby, suddenly
passes. She reappears in the doorway and observes him in the
bath. Tommy sees her and quickly closes his eyes. She
smiles, steps into the bathroom, puts the baby down gently on
the bathmat and reaches a hand into the bath.

CLOSE SHOT OF TOMMY’S FACE: The water starts to become even

more agitated as she finishes him off (offscreen). His eyes

(CONTINUED)
 59.
59 CONTINUED: 59

remain closed as his hands drift up towards his face. The

bath is like a Jacuzzi now.

He comes. The water subsides. The BISHOP, newly deceased

(X’s for eyes), floats past his face. Then a BUSINESS CARD
falls into the water and gets stuck on the island of Tommy’s
nose. He opens his eyes.

WE WIDEN: He’s alone in the bathroom. He looks at the

business card, it reads:

HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH

Rock Band

Available for all Occasions

BACK TO:

60 EXT. REST STOP 60

The audience is rapt.

HEDWIG
I had recently returned to my first love of
music. I had tried singing once back in
Berlin. They threw tomatoes. After the show,
I had a nice salad. But newly motivated, I
bought a cheap electric piano.

CUT TO:

61 INT. DR. EXPRESSO’S COFFEE BAR - EVENING 61

A Korean army wife plays a cheap electric piano. We widen to

find Hedwig and her all-female, all-Asian band performing in
a sterile franchise coffee bar in front of a sparse crowd at
tables. Under florescent lights, they are finishing a lame
cover of some early 90’s hit.

HEDWIG (V.O. cont’d)

And I found a few Korean sargeants’ wives who
churned out a mean rhythm section.

Two KOREAN WOMEN clatter a percussion solo on conga and

maracas (and piano?). The two other KOREAN FEMALE BAND
MEMBERS (both guitarists) bang their heads appreciatively.

(CONTINUED)
 60.
61 CONTINUED: 61

The audience is mostly made up of a few YOUNG G.I.’S and

their TRASHY DATES. The two guitarists and Hedwig hit the
final chord of the song--untightly.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
Thank you. Both of you. That was by Kurt
Cobain. That kid’s got a future. How about
Kwahng Yi on guitar? Give it up! Kwahng Yi!

KWAHNG YI, one of the guitarists, performs a bad guitar solo.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
Give it up, Kwahng.

Kwahng stops. The piano intro to Wicked Little Town begins.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I’d like to take it down a little. This is the
first song I have ever written. And it’s
written for a guy to sing. Now, I know a lot
of you guys out there tonight a lot better than
some of you’d like to admit...
(whistles from the audience)
...so if any of you want this song, you better
put in a bid soon, cause we’re talking to Phil
Collins’ people.

Kwahng nods hopefully.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
But then, aren’t we all?
(she sings)
YOU KNOW THE SUN IS IN YOUR EYES
AND HURRICANES AND RAINS
AND BLACK AND CLOUDY SKIES
YOU’RE RUNNING UP AND DOWN THAT HILL
YOU TURN IT ON AND OFF AT WILL
THERE’S NOTHING HERE TO THRILL
OR BRING YOU DOWN

We push and pan through the audience, settling on faces of

her old johns and boyfriends. They are shy, smug, leering,
nervous. Their dates are confused.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
AND IF YOU GOT NO OTHER CHOICE
YOU KNOW YOU CAN FOLLOW MY VOICE
THROUGH THE DARK TURNS AND NOISE
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 61.
61 CONTINUED: (2) 61
HEDWIG (cont’d)
OF THIS WICKED LITTLE TOWN.
OH LADY, LUCK HAS LED YOU HERE
AND THEY’RE SO TWISTED UP
THEY’LL TWIST YOU UP I FEAR

Hedwig seems to be singing to one person in the audience.

Each face we find seems to think he is the one and reacts
appropriately.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
THE PIOUS, HATEFUL AND DEVOUT
YOU’RE TURNING TRICKS TIL YOU’RE TURNED OUT
THE WIND SO COLD IT BURNS
YOU’RE BURNING OUT AND BLOWING ROUND
AND IF YOU GOT NO OTHER CHOICE
YOU KNOW YOU CAN FOLLOW MY VOICE
THROUGH THE DARK TURNS AND NOISE
OF THIS WICKED LITTLE TOWN.

A couple of people look over their shoulders in the direction

of Hedwig’s gaze.

Car headlights shine through the storefront windows to reveal

TOMMY hiding in a corner near the Sweet and Low area. His
face is a sculpture of shock and emotion.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
THE FATES ARE VICIOUS AND THEY’RE CRUEL
YOU LEARN TOO LATE YOU’VE USED TWO WISHES
LIKE A FOOL
AND THEN YOU’RE SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT
AND JUNCTION CITY AIN’T THE SPOT
REMEMBER MRS. LOT AND IF YOU GOT NO OTHER
CHOICE
YOU KNOW YOU CAN FOLLOW MY VOICE
THROUGH THE DARK TURNS AND NOISE
OF THIS WICKED LITTLE TOWN.

On the final chord, Hedwig throws a towel, with which she has
been dabbing her face, into the audience. It falls into
Tommy’s hands. He looks down at it.

INSERT OF THE TOWEL: the IMAGE OF HEDWIG’S FACE is etched in

multi-colored glitter. It’s the Shroud of Hedwig.
 62.

62 INT. TOMMY’S HOUSE, ATTIC BEDROOM, THE NEXT DAY - LATE 62

AFTERNOON

Hedwig and Tommy, holding his electric guitar, stand facing

each other in his huge attic bedroom. Sexual tension.

TOMMY
Your show... That song... My dad gave me this
guitar to apologize for being a pathetic little
dictator...

Tommy starts to play and sing a snatch of “Sex (I’m a...)” by

Berlin.

TOMMY (cont’d)
(singing)
I’M A TOY, COME AND PLAY WITH ME, SAY THE WORD
NOW....

HEDWIG (V.O.)
He sang me songs.

TOMMY
(he stops singing for a
moment)
Classics.
(singing again)
...NOT TOO FAST, DON’T BE SLOW, MY LOVE’S IN
YOUR HANDS.
I’M A MAN, I’M A BOY
I’M A MAN, I’M YOUR MOTHER
I’M A MAN, I’M A ONE-NIGHT STAND
I’M A DRUG
I’M A MAN, I’M A GEISHA
I’M A MAN, I’M A LITTLE GIRL
AND WE MAKE LOVE TOGETHER--

He executes a bad solo.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
(over the above)
The bands were new to me: Boston, Kansas,
America, Europe, Asia...

She puts her hand on his strings.

HEDWIG
Travel exhausts me.

TOMMY
Where are you from, Hedwig?

(CONTINUED)
 63.
62 CONTINUED: 62

HEDWIG (V.O.)
I told him my story, stopping just short of a
certain exact measurement.

The SOUND OF A BOMB DROPPING can be heard over a lap dissolve

(?) of her telling her long story (MOS). Tommy seems shell-
shocked by the information.

Camera captures his face in a SQUARE, FRAMELESS MIRROR in the

vicinity of a number of LP album covers including “Frampton
Comes Alive”. His frozen backlit face in the mirror
resembles a 70’s era prog-rock album cover.

TOMMY
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal
lord and savior?

HEDWIG
No, but I love his work.

TOMMY
You know, what he saved us from was his fucking
father. I mean what kind of God creates Adam
in his image, pulls Eve out of him to keep him
company, and then tells them not to eat from
the Tree of Knowledge? I mean he was so
micromanaging. So was Adam. But Eve. Eve
just wanted to know shit. She took a bite of
the apple and found out what was good and what
was evil. And she gave it to Adam so he would
know. Because they were in love. And that was
good...they now knew. Hedwig, will you give me
the apple?

Hedwig is moved.

TIGHT on details of Tommy’s face. His lips, his eyes, his

ears. Then another EYE.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
The words spilling from those lips... And his
eyes. His irises were clear cylinders of
surprising depth. And emptiness. Only a few
puddles of bluish pain sloshed around inside.
Same blue as my eyes.

We zoom out from the final eye to find it is Hedwig’s

startled one.

(CONTINUED)
 64.
62 CONTINUED: (2) 62

She is lying face up on the bed and Tommy is holding her

tight, his head buried in her neck. We hear chords from The
Origin of Love. After a bewildered pause, she puts her arms
around him.

MONTAGE SEQUENCE: (MOS, accompanied by music)

63 INT. 7O’S-STYLE CATHOLIC CHURCH (SCENE RESTORED)- DAY 63

Tommy, flanked by two other TEENS, sings into a mike in front

of a huge felt banner. All three are pounding away on
acoustic guitars (MOS).

HEDWIG (V.O.)
At the time, Tommy’s performance options were
limited to the occasional guitar mass. I
initiated a six month curriculum of rock
history...

64 INT. TOMMY’S BEDROOM - DAY 64

Hedwig plays an LP of a rock legend to Tommy. He listens,

astounded.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
...lyrics...

64A INT. TOMMY’S BEDROOM, A FEW DAYS LATER - DAY 64A

Tommy reads liner notes. His eyes widen. Over his shoulder,
Hedwig smiles.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
...grooming...

64B INT. TOMMY’S BATHROOM, A FEW DAYS LATER - DAY 64B

Using shears, Hedwig cuts the belt section off of Tommy’s

pants while he’s wearing them, giving him hip-huggers.

HEDWIG
...and vocal training...
 65.

64C INT. TOMMY’S KITCHEN, DAYS LATER - DAY 64C

We find Hedwig stirring blood-red MARINARA SAUCE on a stove.

We boom down to find Tommy kneeling below with his head in
the oven below.

64D INT. TOMMY’S HOUSE, SUN ROOM, NEXT DAY - DAY (REVISED SCN.#)64D

They are biting into each end of a large marinara-sauced

Knackwurst resting on a long bun.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
For his graduation present, I gave him his
name...

CLOSE on a piece of paper on a nearby table:

TOMMY CYBER

SZYZGY

64E INT. TOMMY’S BEDROOM, DAYS LATER - DAY (REVISED SCN. #) 64E

Hedwig presents Tommy his electric guitar, now elaborately

decorated with glitter and nail polish. Two words are
painted gorgeously on its body: “Tommy Gnosis”.

HEDWIG (V.O. cont’d)

...Tommy Gnosis. The Greek word for knowledge.

65 EXT. SUBURBAN PARK - DAY 65

They are sitting under an APPLE TREE. Tommy plays the

guitar. They sing together (MOS).

HEDWIG (V.O. cont’d)

We collaborated.

Hedwig offers him an apple. We PAN to him: he is already

biting into his own.

HEDWIG (V.O. cont’d) (cont’d)

Songs exploded out of us.

66 INT. DR. EXPRESSO’S SEATTLE STYLE COFFEE BAR - EVENING 66

They are performing onstage (MOS). Tommy sings back-up.

Hedwig holds a beer bottle as she sings.

(CONTINUED)
 66.
66 CONTINUED: 66

HEDWIG (V.O. cont’d)

Teenage girls started showing up.

- We hear HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKS. A crazed FEMALE FAN rushes

the stage. Startled, Hedwig smashes the bottle and holds it
up as a defensive weapon. Tommy grins as the Fan kisses him
madly. Hedwig is confused.

67 INT. DR. EXPRESSO’S SEATTLE STYLE COFFEE BAR - WEEKS LATER, 67

EVENING

Hedwig and Tommy are singing together into one mike. We hear
nothing but girls SCREAMING.

HEDWIG (V.O. cont’d)

...In three months, we were outgrossing monster
trucks in Wichita. With that kind of money
coming in, I was able to give up all my jobs
and devote myself entirely to our career. We
were very happy.

The screaming suddenly stops and we hear the sound of cattle

MOOING.

68 EXT. MIDTOWN MANHATTAN STREET - DAY 68

We zoom slowly into an upper story window in an urban

building. We find Hedwig inside the window looking out. The
mooing continues.

69 INT. MOTEL ROOM #3, MANHATTAN - DAY 69

Hedwig, Phyllis et al. are crammed in the tiniest hotel room

yet--same decor as Motels #1 and 2 but a different palette
and a single-sized bed. The MOOING suddenly changes to the
sound of CHICKENS CLUCKING. Hedwig, lost in memories again,
is doing her makeup using the window as a mirror. She might
also be sketching again. Schlatko is changing the baby.
Jacek is shaving. The following scene has the feeling of the
overcrowded stateroom scene in the Marx Brothers’ A Night at
the Opera.

CLOSE SHOT of the Natural Sound Sleep Machine which is

hooked up to a Walkman. Skszp turns a dial and the CLUCKING
cuts out suddenly and we hear a cartoon BOING sound effect.

(CONTINUED)
 67.
69 CONTINUED: 69

Working with Krzysztof, Skszp is programming the machine to

produce new sounds. Schlatko is changing the baby who is
gurgling. Jacek is shaving. Plenty of ad-libbed background
dialogue throughout this scene.

PHYLLIS
(to Hedwig)
Well, we’re dry. We’re spent. We’re flat
broke.

A KNOCKING SOUND. Phyllis opens the door. A Latino DELIVERY

BOY, carrying a large pizza box and a quart of milk, is at
the door. The CHICKEN SOUNDS change to the SOUND OF A CORK
POPPED AND WINE BEING POURED.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
Who ordered the pizza?

Schlatko beckons to the Delivery Boy. Schlatko hands the

baby to Phyllis while he looks for money.

Phyllis (cont’d)
This is Manhattan! We can barely afford this
hole...we had to cancel tonight’s show because
we can’t fix the amps...we can’t be buying
pizzas. And I’ve got AT&T arriving any minute
to install a modem. What was I thinking?

A KNOCKING SOUND. Phyllis opens it. No one’s there. Then

we hear the SOUND OF A DOORKNOB TURNING and the CREAK of a
door opening. Then the LAUGH TRACK of a large audience.

INSERT: All the sounds are coming from the Sound Machine.

Annoyed, Phyllis closes the door.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
This place stinks.
(sniffs the curtains.)
Have you smelled these curtains?
Jacek, come here and smell this. Smell it. It
smells terrible. You’ve got to smell this!

A KNOCKING SOUND. Phyllis ignores it and keeps smelling the

curtains with mounting disgust.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
When something smells bad you just want to
smell it more.

(CONTINUED)
 68.
69 CONTINUED: (2) 69

The door opens and a cute pair of twins, BROTHER AND SISTER,
both full of piercings, pop their heads in. Jacek shouts a
greeting. The siblings squeal, push through and pull him
onto the bed. Laughing hysterically, they begin to slather
shave cream on his chest and ass. The room is now completely
packed.

Hedwig looks at her watch. Phyllis picks up on this.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
Yitzhak should be back with that wig any minute
now. She probably had to go uptown for human
hair.

A KNOCKING SOUND. Schlatko’s BABY STARTS TO CRY in Phyllis’

arms. Phyllis opens the door and an AT&T repairman enters.

Phyllis (cont’d)
Uh...

The repairman opens his tool chest and she hands the crying
baby back to Schlatko.

SCHLATKO
The road ain’t no place to raise a family.

Then we hear loud BABY’S CRIES from the Sound Machine. The
real baby cries LOUDER.

PHYLLIS
(to Krzysztof)
You want to hear another sound effect?

She grabs the Sound Machine and throws it out the open
window. We hear a SMASHING SOUND on the pavement below.

Silence, even from the baby.

The door opens. It’s Yitzhak, wearing a fabulous Rent-like

wig. He is radiant.

YITZHAK
(quietly)
I got it.

PHYLLIS
(snatching the wig off his
head)
Yes, you did. And it’s stunning!

(CONTINUED)
 69.
69 CONTINUED: (3) 69

YITZHAK
(yanking the wig back)
Fuck off, Phyllis, I got the part. I am
playing the role of Angel in the Broadway
Cruises Polynesian tour of “Rent”. So fuck you
too, Miss Hedwig. This is my wig. My wig!
I’m going to be a star, and there’s nothing you
can do about it.

Hedwig leisurely produces her purse and rummages through it.

Yitzhak reacts to this.

YITZHAK (cont’d)
I don’t care if you have my passport. I
have...a social security number and...I’ll be
in Guam! And I want a divorce. Mental
cruelty. Irreconcilable difference!

Hedwig pulls out a few multi-colored passports from the purse

and chooses one. She flips through it non-chalantly.
Yitzhak pales and then starts laughing. The band and Phyllis
are aghast.

YITZHAK (cont’d)
Did you see that Discovery Channel show with
the tiger shark? That one with two wombs,
where tiny fetal sharks attack and devour each
other until only one remains alive in each.
Twin victors born on a full stomach? That’s
us. We would recline in the afterbirth, drying
in the morning sun, too bloated and exhausted
to turn on each other. I’m exhausted.

He drops to his knees in front of Hedwig’s chair.

YITZHAK (cont’d)
Aren’t you? You look tired. I think we’re
both so very very tired.

He puts his wig on her lap and his head on her knee.
Silence. Suddenly, he grabs for the passport. Hedwig evades
him with a small move of her wrist. Yitzhak stands and
bursts into tears as he fully comprehends his powerlessness.
Stillness in the room. Hedwig picks up the wig from her lap,
smoothes it and puts it on one of her bare wigheads.

Phyllis is horrified. She makes a decision.

(CONTINUED)
 70.
69 CONTINUED: (4) 69

PHYLLIS
Hedwig, I don’t think you need my help anymore.

She takes Yitzhak’s arm and helps him out of the room.
Silence. Then, one by one, the remaining members of the band
and their guests file out.

Hedwig is alone. Silence but for street sounds. Hedwig

turns back to the mirror. She sees herself and is a little
afraid.

70 EXT. MEATPACKING DISTRICT, AN HOUR LATER - NIGHT 70

Hedwig, wearing thigh-high stiletto boots, stands against a

wall in front of a meat-packing plant sign. A TOMMY SONG
(”In Your Arms”) plays from a radio somewhere. Cars cruise
by slowly. Across the street...

...a black TRANSVESTITE PROSTITUTE stands watching the cars.

- A car slows down next to her. The Tommy song is playing on

its radio. A single HASIDIC MAN gives her the once over.
She returns his stare. He moves on.

A LIMO pulls up in front of her. The DRIVER gets out and

nervously opens the passenger door for her. The same Tommy
song is playing on the limo’s stereo. Hedwig walks over to
the door and looks inside.

A SMALL MALE FIGURE sits, shrouded in darkness. We recognize

him as Tommy Gnosis. His hair is a silvery work of art. His
liquid eyes--one pink and one blue--shine out of the shadows.
He seems very young and vulnerable despite his glam exterior.
His eyes widen in recognition.

They stare at each other in silence. Hedwig starts to go.

But Tommy holds his hand out to her. She pauses. She takes
his hand and steps into the limo.

71 INT. LIMO, MINUTES LATER - NIGHT 71

They sit opposite each other stiffly. Memories and emotions

flow silently. White powder dusts Tommy’s upper lip. He
smiles. Hedwig doesn’t.

(CONTINUED)
 71.
71 CONTINUED: 71

INSERT: Tommy’s hand produces a promotional CD single and a

pen.

He writes carefully on the label and extends it to Hedwig.

She won’t take it. He presses it into her hands.

TOMMY
Please.

She submits and examines the CD.

INSERT of CD COVER: Three handwritten words are added.

“The Origin of Love”

Hedwig Robinson and

by^Tommy Gnosis

Hedwig is stunned. Tommy takes the CD and slides it into a

CD player. He hands her a set of headphones. She dons them,
listens and smiles despite herself.

71A INT. LIMO, HALF-HOUR LATER - NIGHT (PARTIAL SCN. RELABELLED)71A

Tommy is now driving with Hedwig in the passenger seat. They

laugh and exchange the latest rock star gossip (adlibbed).
They drive along the river. The moon over Jersey is lovely.
There is a lull in the conversation.

Tommy’s hand falls near Hedwig’s. He moves it until their

fingers are touching. Their nail colors are complementary.
Hedwig clasps his pinky with her own. They stay like that
for a while without speaking. Then Hedwig’s hand begins to
move up his arm to his neck and lips. She leans over to kiss
him on the lips. He avoids the kiss with the excuse of
trying to keep his eyes on the road. Her hand moves slowly
down his chest to his crotch. He shivers. She begins to go
down on him.

- Tears fill his eyes. He closes them and the tears spill
down his cheeks.

(CONTINUED)
 72.
71A CONTINUED: 71A

- We see the limo approaching an intersection where a YELLOW

SCHOOL BUS has paused to make a left turn.

- Tommy is beginning to orgasm. He opens his eyes and is

horrified.

TOMMY’S POV: The traffic light is RED. The side of the bus
is suddenly directly in front of the limo. On it is printed:
“Bergen County School for the Hearing Impaired.” A screech of
brakes.

Hedwig comes up from his lap to look out the window.

Crashing sound.

SLO-MO. Her shocked face is immediately obscured by an

inflating AIRBAG.

SCREEN GOES BLACK.

71A INT. LIMO, AN HOUR LATER - NIGHT 71A

A shot of the empty passenger seat of the limo. Illuminated

by flashing police lights, the airbag deflates onto the seat.
As it settles, we can make out the image of Hedwig’s shocked
expression etched on the bag in makeup.

72 INT. NEW YORK CITY PRESS CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY 72

Tommy’s PUBLICIST stands at a podium. Dozens of members of

the press are also in the room, but we only hear, never see
them. Flashbulbs go off.

1ST REPORTER (O.S.)

The hospital has just reported that the
surviving deaf child will lose his sight. Does
Mr. Gnosis have anything to say to this boy?

PUBLICIST
I’d like to read a statement from Mr. Gnosis.
(reading)
“I just want to say to all the deaf children:
I’m sorry. This horrible event was a cry for
help. I was crying ‘help’ to me. It had
nothing to do with you. It was all about me.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 73.
72 CONTINUED: 72
PUBLICIST (cont’d)
It was about me at a certain time in my life
and it was incredibly unfortunate that you were
there.”
(looks up)
Mr. Gnosis’ Oracle Tour will henceforth be
known as the Tour of Atonement. A percentage
of profits will go to the appropriate
charities.

2ND REPORTER (O.S.)

What is the nature of Tommy’s relationship with
Hedwig Robinson? Earlier reports indicate--

PUBLICIST
(wagging his finger)
Let me make this very clear: Mr. Gnosis had
never met that woman--Ms. Robinson--before that
night, and he had no idea she was a transexual.
He simply saw a woman who needed a ride. I
think we’d all be a lot better off if more
people showed this kind of interest in their
neighbor. We are out of time, thank you very
much.

CUT TO:

73 INT. NEW YORK CITY PRESS ROOM - DAY 73

Same unseen CROWD OF PRESS. Sitting at a table behind an

unfortunately-situated pillar, are Hedwig, in shades, and
Phyllis. Next to them sit an eight-year-old DEAF BOY with
bandages over his eyes and hands. The BOY’S MOTHER sits next
to him. Phyllis speaks into a microphone

PHYLLIS
Nicky is an incredibly resilient and
intelligent little boy. He has expressed to
me, through surprisingly deft manipulation of
plastic refrigerator magnet letters...

She holds up a magnet board with plastic letters that spell

out the word “closure”.

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
..., that he doesn’t feel any rancor towards
Mr. Gnosis--he actually used the word “rancor”--
and he instructed me to tell all of you that he
simply wants closure. We believe that Nicky
deserves every dollar of the 10 million in
damages that he is asking of Mr. Gnosis and we
offer our full support in this endeavor.

Reporters shout overlapping questions off-stage.

(CONTINUED)
 74.
73 CONTINUED: 73

PHYLLIS (cont’d)
There will be no further statements from, or
interviews granted by, Ms. Robinson until after
the Saturday opening night of her unlimited New
York run. I hope you can all be there.

She covers the mike with her hand and turns to Hedwig.

Phyllis (cont’d)
I’m trying to set up a surprise duet. We have
a call in to Gennifer Flowers, Monica is
playing hard to get, Jessica Hahn’s just
waiting for the word and Divine Brown won’t
stop calling. Honey, we’re in!
(hands her a booklet)
What do you think of this?
(suddenly gets a call)
Serbian Tourist Board? Talk to me.

Hedwig looks at the booklet. It is a mock-up graphic of a

perfume bottle labelled:

ATROCITY
by Hedwig

CUT TO:

74 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT 74

Hedwig, wearing a fab new wig and dress, stands nervously in

a dark, grimy alley outside an emergency exit door (the
signage is the same as the Delivery door in the opening
sequence). We hear the buzz of a crowd. Next to her is a
rig of rather sophistocated theatrical lighting instruments
and a smoke machine that are directed towards the door. The
end of the alley opens onto a Manhattan street where
PEDESTRIANS cross. Hedwig seems uncomfortable. She adjusts
her bra. She produces a compact.

Inside, America the Beautiful suddenly begins on guitar and

the crowd begins to CHEER. Then, the lighting instruments
explode to life next to her, emitting a red blaze. She
snatches a final look in the mirror. Perfect. She puts away
the compact and opens the door to a SWELL of applause.

SCREEN GOES BLACK. America the Beautiful continues over a

title:

(CONTINUED)
 75.
74 CONTINUED: 74

BILGEWATER'S TIMES SQUARE

“thanks and so long, new york! watch this space for...”

Sushi and the Beast

CUT TO:

75 INT. BILGEWATER'S TIMES SQUARE - CONTINUOUS 75

As Hedwig enters from the emergency exit door, normal sound

cuts out and we only hear incidental sounds of Hedwig
breathing, scratching, clearing her throat, etc. The tables
have been replaced with rows of seats which are jammed with a
screaming SRO downtown hipster audience. A large
representation of the media. Some video cameras. Many
people are wearing foam Hedhead wigs. The band is decked out
in shiny new gear too. Hedwig strides to the center stage
mike and drinks in the applause.

“TIMES SQUARE MONTAGE” (OF MOMENTS FROM THE SHOW):

- A New York Post cover with Tommy’s and Hedwig’s photos is

projected onto the bedsheets.

- Hedwig opens the emergency exit door. The lighting

instruments behind the door emit BLINDING BLUE LIGHT AND
SMOKE from “Tommy’s concert”. Hedwig’s audience loves it.

- Hedwig straddles a “car wash” victim in Sugar Daddy.

Guffawing faces.

- Projection from the Origin of Love of a body splitting in

half. Huge laughs. (DELETE PROP OVEN)

- Hedwig holds her crotch. A projection: 6 - 5 = 1 The

audience howls.

- Hedwig is taken aback at the slightly hysterical quality of

the crowd’s response.

(CONTINUED)
 76.
75 CONTINUED: 75

- Projections of chorus lyrics from Wig in a Box.

- Audience members sing along.

- Hedwig strikes a pose at the end of Wig in a Box

accompanied by a projection of a wig. Standing ovation.

- In the audience, Phyllis looks depressed.

Hedwig looks back at the band. They are all a bit stunned,
Schlatko’s Baby, too. She sees...

...Yitzhak, who sits slumped over, staring at nothing. We

can suddenly hear Yitzhak’s breathing too.

Hedwig looks back at the cheering audience. The live

audience sound SNAPS BACK IN: the audience is sitting back
down. Hedwig waits for silence.

HEDWIG
One day, I am curled up in the trailer...

76 INT. HEDWIG’S TRAILER - DAY 76

Hedwig is nursing a drink on the Lay-Z-Boy rocker. The

trailer is festooned with damp laundry hanging from clothes
lines. We can hear rain falling softly outside.

HEDWIG (V.O. cont’d)

...with my usual late afternoon constitutional
of grain alcohol and Brita...

HEDWIG (cont’d)
(finishing the line in an
aside to camera)
...I like to be good to myself.

Tommy is at the door, damp and in tears.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
Honey, what is it?

TOMMY
(hysterical)
My dad...and my mom...and my parents.

HEDWIG
That’s a lot of people, hon, c’mere.

(CONTINUED)
 77.
76 CONTINUED: 76

She holds him. But as usual he squirms, slides behind her

and clutches her spine to his chest until they are in a
spooning position.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
I am suddenly very much aware that we haven’t
kissed in all the months we’ve been together.
In fact, he has maintained a near perfect
ignorance of the front of me. Perhaps because
of his preference for over-the-shoulder love.

HEDWIG
Honey, why don’t you work on that new song
while I finish trimming your eyebrows? To be a
star you’re gonna need two.

He picks up his guitar while she gets the little scissors and
a towel. She dries him off a bit. He strums and sings.

TOMMY
Look what you done--
(the chord is wrong)
Shit!

NEIGHBOR (O.S.)
(singing a la Whitney Houston)
And IIIII will always love you....

Hedwig looks out the window.

In the trailer next door, a young, crushed-looking FEMALE

NEIGHBOR, sits at a dinette slumped over a cigarette, a
drink, and a quart of ice cream, singing “I Will Always Love
You” in not a bad voice.

Tommy is moved by the song.

TOMMY
What do you think? Does love last forever?

HEDWIG
No, but this song does.

TOMMY
Don’t knock a multiplatinum single.

(CONTINUED)
 78.
76 CONTINUED: (2) 76

HEDWIG
Excuse me, she’s been singing this song on a
loop for three days.

TOMMY
I wish I could hit those notes.

HEDWIG
Move your lips and I’ll sing them for you,
honey.

He mimics her mockingly.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
I am going to slap you. I am going to slap you
like a big black backup singer coming at you
from a shadowy corner of the stage. Like Mick
Jagger’s backup singer. Like Martha Wash, I’m
going to slap you.

They laugh.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
We laugh at the professional references.

She returns to his brows. The Neighbor croons on.

HEDWIG
Seriously, Tom, yes. I believe love is
immortal.

TOMMY
(singing)
Look what you done--
(bad chord)
I can’t hear myself. How is it immortal?

HEDWIG
Perhaps because love creates something that was
not there before.

TOMMY
What, like procreation?

He picks a stray lash off her cheek and hold it up for her to
make a wish and blow away.

HEDWIG
Yes, but not only.

(CONTINUED)
 79.
76 CONTINUED: (3) 76

TOMMY
What, like recreation?

He grabs her ass and laughs. She doesn’t.

HEDWIG
Sometimes just creation. Don’t move.

She paints a bold SILVER CROSS on his forehead. She holds up

a mirror. He looks at himself. He looks like a rock star.
He starts the song again.

TOMMY
(singing)
Look what you done.

The chord is perfect. Through the window, we can see the

Neighbor modulating into a higher key.

NEIGHBOR
And IIIII...!

As she continues to sing, Tommy slowly rises and draws the

curtains that are attached at the top and the bottom. He
extends his hand. She takes it. Their nail colors
complement each other beautifully. He leads her through the
hanging laundry. Suddenly and magically, there is a
veritable forest of clothing to move through. He leads her
to a clearing in the forest, the Neighbor finishes the song
and he begins to kiss her. Hedwig kisses him back
disbelievingly. Then rather sharply, he inhales air from her
mouth, startling her.

TOMMY
Breathe through my mouth.

He inhales from her lungs. He exhales as she inhales. They

begin to breathe as a hermetic unit. Their chests rise and
fall in opposite rhythm as if they were a single being. We
hear Origin of Love chords.

HEDWIG (V.O.)
No blood in my eyes. No blood on his face.
He’s the one. The one who was taken. The one
who left. The twin born by fission. He’ll die
in fusion, our fusion, cold fusion, unlimited
power, unlimited knowledge. The secrets he
must hold.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 80.
76 CONTINUED: (4) 76
HEDWIG (V.O.) (cont'd)
The forgotten memories that we shared, the
words to complete the sentence that I began, “I
am...”

Tears fill Hedwig’s eyes. Both of them are growing faint as

they exhaust the oxygen in their lungs. They are framed by
the open door of the trailer. Unnaturally lush trees and
foliage can be seen outside. Sudden gusts of winds start to
blow the hanging laundry about.

Suddenly and surreally, the walls of the trailer begin to

part.

77 EXT. FANTASY WILDERNESS - CONTINUOUS - DAY 77

The walls pull away and disappear like an opening curtain and
Hedwig and Tommy are suddenly in a lush, fantastic
wilderness. A passionate gale is blowing. They break the
kiss, gasping for air as their hands continue to move over
each other’s body.

TOMMY
Oh, Hedwig. Oh, God. When Eve was still
inside Adam, they were in paradise. When she
was separated from him, that’s when paradise
was lost. So when she enters him again,
paradise will be regained!

HEDWIG
That’s right, honey, however you want it, just
kiss me while we do it.

She kisses him and pulls his hand between her legs. He
recoils slightly.

The fantasy land suddenly disappears.

BACK TO:

78 INT. TRAILER - CONTINUOUS - DAY 78

They are suddenly inside the mobile home again. Most of the
laundry lies on the floor. Hedwig’s makeup is smeared.

TOMMY
(looking down between her
legs)
What is that?

(CONTINUED)
 81.
78 CONTINUED: 78

HEDWIG
(quietly)
That’s what I have to work with.

Silence.

TOMMY
My mom is probably wondering where I--

Hedwig starts to shove and punch him.

HEDWIG
Sissy! What are you afraid of?

TOMMY
I love you.

HEDWIG
(screaming)
THEN LOVE THE FRONT OF ME!

He runs out the back door. Hedwig watches him go in shock.

Silence. Camera moves into her eyeline.

BACK TO:

79 INT. BILGEWATER'S TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT 79

Hedwig stands on stage in the same position as she stood in

the trailer. Someone in the audience GIGGLES. Then bright
footlights flood the stage. Skszp begins a piano intro.
Hedwig begins to sing HEDWIG’S LAMENT gently.

HEDWIG
I WAS BORN ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF A TOWN RIPPED IN TWO.
AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I’VE TRIED
I END UP BLACK AND BLUE.
I ROSE FROM OFF OF THE DOCTOR’S SLAB
I LOST A PIECE OF MY HEART
NOW EVERYONE GETS TO TAKE A STAB
THEY CUT ME UP INTO PARTS.
I GAVE A PIECE TO MY MOTHER.
I GAVE A PIECE TO MY MAN.
I GAVE A PIECE TO THE ROCK STAR.
HE TOOK THE GOOD STUFF AND RAN.

She kicks over a mikestand and the band lurches into a raging
punk song, Exquisite Corpse. A strobelight begins.

(CONTINUED)
 82.
79 CONTINUED: 79

HEDWIG (cont’d)
(screaming)
OH GOD I’M ALL SEWN UP
A HARDENED RAZOR CUT
SCAR MAP ACROSS MY BODY
AND YOU CAN TRACE THE LINES
THROUGH MISERY’S DESIGN
THAT MAP ACROSS MY BODY
A COLLAGE!
ALL SEWN UP!
A MONTAGE!
ALL SEWN UP!

Yitzhak sings with a vengeful satisfaction:

YITZHAK
A RANDOM PATTERN WITH A NEEDLE AND THREAD

Hedwig’s body is split as the screen splits into two shots.

YITZHAK (cont’d)
THE OVERLAPPING WAY DISEASES ARE SPREAD

Hedwig’s body is in three parts now as the screen splits in

three.

YITZHAK (cont’d)
THROUGH A TORNADO BODY
WITH A HAND GRENADE HEAD
AND THE LEGS ARE TWO LOVERS ENTWINED

Hedwig’s body is in a triple splitscreen shot from new angles

and shot in different speeds.

HEDWIG
INSIDE I’M HOLLOWED OUT
OUTSIDE’S A PAPER SHROUD
AND ALL THE REST’S ILLUSION
THAT THERE’S A WILL AND SOUL
THAT WE CAN WREST CONTROL
FROM CHAOS AND CONFUSION.
A COLLAGE!
ALL SEWN UP!
A MONTAGE!
ALL SEWN UP!

Hedwig, Yitzhak and Skszp’s faces slowly converge into a

single face.

(CONTINUED)
 83.
79 CONTINUED: (2) 79

HEDWIG, YITZHAK AND SKSZP

THE AUTOMATIST’S UNDOING
THE WHOLE WORLD STARTS UNSCREWING
AS TIME COLLAPSES AND SPACE WARPS.
YOU SEE DECAY AND RUIN
I TELL YOU: NO, NO, NO, NO!
YOU MAKE SUCH AN EXQUISITE CORPSE!

Hedwig kicks over an amp. She grabs Skszp’s guitar and

starts to swing it at Yitzhak. Yitzhak avoids her easily.
Frustrated, Hedwig batters the guitar against a monitor. She
pulls down the projection screen and bricabrac from the
walls. The screen splits into six crazy parts like a broken
mirror.

HEDWIG
I’VE GOT IT ALL SEWN UP
A HARDENED RAZOR CUT
SCAR MAP ACROSS MY BODY
AND YOU CAN TRACE THE LINES
THROUGH MISERY’S DESIGN
THAT MAP ACROSS MY BODY
A COLLAGE!
ALL SEWN UP!
A MONTAGE!
ALL SEWN UP!

She rips her dress open, pulls out the tomatoes from her bra
and SMASHES them on her bare, male chest. The music starts
to break down.

More tomatoes hit Hedwig from behind. Yitzhak is suddenly

holding a BASKET OF TOMATOES and throwing them at her by the
handful. The band grabs some and starts throwing them at
her. She holds up her arms to protect herself. The entire
audience begins to pelt her with tomatoes and other fruit.
She retreats from the onslaught, ripping the wig off and
flailing it around impotently. It’s the first time we’ve
seen her bare-headed. Her hair is short, dark and matted.
She finds herself cowering against the emergency exit door.

The door suddenly swings open under her weight, releasing a

flood of fake CROWD SOUNDS, SMOKE and BLUE LIGHT from Tommy’s
“concert”. The sound overpowers the jagged musical remnants
of Exquisite Corpse. Hedwig falls through the door. It
closes and she is gone.

CUT TO:
 84.

80 INT. “MADISON SQUARE GARDEN” - NIGHT 80

CLOSE on Hedwig’s face, filling the frame and lit by Tommy’s

blue concert light. Her eyes are closed. The concert CHEERS
are all around her now. They swell and the melancholy piano
intro to Wicked Little Town begins.

TOMMY (O.S.)
Before I go, I’d like to sing a song that
someone wrote for me a long time ago. If
you’re real quiet...maybe she can hear me.

Hedwig’s eyes open and see...

...Tommy, a lonely figure standing in a kaleidoscopic pool of

blue light in the center of a vast dark stage. The rest of
the stage, his band and the crowd itself are invisible. With
his dark hair and smeared makeup, he might be Hedwig’s twin
but for the shimmering SILVER CROSS on his forehead. He
sings with sincerity and regret.

TOMMY (cont’d)
FORGIVE ME
FOR I DID NOT KNOW.
CAUSE I WAS JUST A BOY
AND YOU WERE SO MUCH MORE
THAN ANY GOD COULD EVER PLAN,
MORE THAN A WOMAN OR A MAN.
AND NOW I UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I TOOK FROM YOU

At the back of the vast, completely dark hall we discover

Hedwig, standing in a beam of blue light. Her face is a
sculpture of emotion as she watches Tommy. We hear the crowd
but no one can be seen in the huge space but the two of them.

TOMMY (cont’d)
THAT, WHEN EVERYTHING STARTS BREAKING DOWN,
YOU TAKE THE PIECES OFF THE GROUND
AND SHOW THIS WICKED TOWN
SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL AND NEW.
YOU THINK THAT LUCK
HAS LEFT YOU THERE.
BUT MAYBE THERE’S NOTHING
UP IN THE SKY BUT AIR.
AND THERE’S NO MYSTICAL DESIGN,
NO COSMIC LOVER PREASSIGNED.
THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN FIND
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)
 85.
80 CONTINUED: 80
TOMMY (cont’d)
THAT CANNOT BE FOUND.
BECAUSE, WITH ALL THE CHANGES YOU’VE BEEN
THROUGH,
IT SEEMS THE STRANGER’S ALWAYS YOU,
ALONE AGAIN IN SOME NEW
WICKED LITTLE TOWN.

TIGHT on Hedwig’s face. Tears are running blackly down her

cheeks.

TOMMY (cont’d)
SO, WHEN YOU’VE GOT NO OTHER CHOICE
YOU KNOW YOU CAN FOLLOW MY VOICE
THROUGH THE DARK TURNS AND NOISE
OF THIS WICKED LITTLE TOWN.
OH, IT’S A WICKED LITTLE TOWN.
GOODBYE, WICKED LITTLE TOWN.

Tommy stops singing as the song’s chords descend. The word

“GNOSIS”appears in huge glowing letters behind him. From
the expression on his face, Tommy seems to receive some kind
of comforting knowledge. The CROWD CHEERS SWELL.

CUT TO:

81 INT. “DREAM” BILGEWATER'S - NIGHT 81

We cut back to Hedwig’s face: The SILVER CROSS has appeared

on her brow like a stigmata.

The crowd sounds fade out as we widen to find that she is

back in the restaurant, unwigged, barechested and
disoriented. She looks around the room. It is now
completely bare of ornamentation, bleached of color and seems
to be glowing. The audience has changed. It now consists of
audience members from all of Hedwig’s earlier performances.
The entire crowd is seated, disoriented, calm and expectant--
like newly departed souls.

Hedwig looks around her in wonder. She touches her bare

chest. She looks behind her and finds...

...Yitzhak, who is similarly present and expectant.

Hedwig looks down at her discarded WIG lying tangled at her

feet. She seems to know what to do now. She signals to
Skszp, who also knows what to do. He begins to play the
guitar intro to Midnight Radio. The crowd is silent. She
picks up the wig and begins to sing.

(CONTINUED)
 86.
81 CONTINUED: 81

HEDWIG
RAIN FALLS HARD
BURNS DRY
A DREAM
OR A SONG
THAT HITS YOU SO HARD
FILLING YOU UP
AND SUDDENLY GONE.

She holds the wig out to Yitzhak. With a resigned

expression, Yitzhak takes it and begins to place it on
Hedwig’s head. Hedwig stops him and presses it into his
hands. Yitzhak hesitates, then takes it.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
BREATHE FEEL LOVE
GIVE FREE
KNOW IN YOUR SOUL
LIKE YOUR BLOOD KNOWS THE WAY
FROM YOUR HEART TO YOUR BRAIN
KNOW THAT YOU’RE WHOLE.

Hedwig begs Yitzhak’s hand. He grants it. They dance--

tenderly but with formality. Then Hedwig releases Yitzhak’s
hand as if setting him free. Yitzhak is stunned.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
(to Yitzhak)
AND YOU’RE SHINING
LIKE THE BRIGHTEST STAR
A TRANSMISSION
ON THE MIDNIGHT RADIO

Hedwig motions Yitzhak to look out into the hall. He does so

and the crowd roars. Many people come to their feet,
especially near the stage. Yitzhak climbs on top of a
Marshall stack, places the wig on his head, turns and lets
himself fall backwards into the audience.

SHOT of a score of waiting HANDS. He falls into them we find

he is suddenly wearing a TIGHT SHIMMERING DRESS that matches
his wig perfectly. His face is ecstatic as the crowd passes
him gently from one hand to another down the center aisle,
until he disappears in the dim horizon of the audience.

Two of the those helping hands belongs to a weeping Phyllis.

(CONTINUED)
 87.
81 CONTINUED: (2) 81

HEDWIG (cont’d)
AND YOU’RE SPINNING
LIKE A 45
BALLERINA
DANCING TO YOUR ROCK AND ROLL.
HERE’S TO PATTY
AND TINA
AND YOKO
ARETHA
AND NONA
AND NICO
AND ME.

We move through the audience and find MOM, DAD, LUTHER, his
PRETTYBOY, the TRAILER PARK NEIGHBOR, the KOREAN BAND
MEMBERS, Jacek’s GROUPIES, TOMMY’S PUBLICIST, some
BODYGUARDS, etc. Hedwig sings to everyone in her life.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
AND ALL THE STRANGE ROCK AND ROLLERS
YOU KNOW YOU’RE DOING ALL RIGHT
SO HOLD ON TO EACH OTHER
YOU GOTTA HOLD ON TONIGHT
AND YOU’RE SHINING
LIKE THE BRIGHTEST STARS
A TRANSMISSION
ON THE MIDNIGHT RADIO
AND YOU’RE SPINNING
YOUR NEW 45’S
ALL THE MISFITS AND THE LOSERS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW YOU’RE ROCK AND ROLLERS
SPINNING TO YOUR ROCK AND ROLL.
LIFT UP YOUR HANDS!
LIFT UP YOUR HANDS!
LIFT UP YOUR HANDS!

Members of the audience begin to lift their hands and sing

along. The band is rocking like never before. Luther and
the Korean Band members are jumping up and down. The crowd is
screaming.

Mom remains seated, motionless and alone.

HEDWIG (cont’d)
LIFT UP YOUR HANDS!
LIFT UP YOUR HANDS!

Hedwig is in a rapturous state. Schlatko’s Baby is lifting

up its hands.

(CONTINUED)
 88.
81 CONTINUED: (3) 81

CLOSE on her hand as it reaches into the air. We TILT UP

past her hand where...

...there appears the two ANIMATED COMPLEMENTARY FACES from

Hedwig’s tatoo. In an elaborate animated sequence, the faces
desperately attempt to merge. They try different
combinations--bumping into each other, swallowing each other,
changing shape and color. They finally find a way to connect
like two pieces of a puzzle. They begin to merge into a
SINGLE FACE.

DIGITAL DISSOLVE TO:

82 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT 82

The face fully merges and settles (digitally) onto a flesh-

colored background as the song fades out.

We ZOOM OUT from the face and find that it is a TATTOO on

Hedwig’s pelvis. A tattoo that has changed. As has Hedwig.
She is walking away from camera down the tunnel-like length
of the alley we saw her waiting in earlier. (The shot is
reminiscent of the opening alley shot.) Almost completely
stripped of makeup and clothing, she moves towards the warm
streetlights at the end of the alley as might a lame person
learning to walk.

Pedestrians begin to cross on the sidewalk outside the the

mouth of the alley. As she walks, her body begins to
straighten and move with more assurance. She reaches the end
of the tunnel and pauses, looking out on the street. People
pass her without a look. She looks both ways, and then
begins to cross the street, moving with a new kind of grace.

The crossing pedestrians and the streetlights draw a gentle

curtain over her figure and she disappears.

END