Monday, July 21, 2025

The table
“Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s
table.”

It’s how I lived most my life, as the dog under the table, walking around slowly waiting for
crumbs to drop so I could be a partaker in the feast, So I could be a partaker in the
household but like every dog I had my own kennel away from the family a place where I
was sent cast away in isolation you’re apart of the family but you aren’t, left out living as
an outcast, I hated it constant reminders I don’t sit at the table but I sit underneath it
trying to eat with the ones who sit around it never being tall enough to see their plates
barely being good enough to see their feet their toes how they swing their legs, their
voices how it fills the air with laughter jokes, love and outings that a dog couldn’t partake
in just spectate, so I carried that baggage around the baggage of being a dog not thinking
myself worthy enough to sit at the table but good enough to see feet to love but not to be
loved who would want a dog all over them? Not a pretty dog either a dog with scars
problems and awkward bark that you’d rather not hear, a terrible cry and hideous
mentality, That type of dog, so I walk around the table all my life barking hoping to be
included but never felt included just felt outcasted even when I’m pet or clean enough to
be fed to be loved it’s for a short time, at the end of the nights when dinner rolls around
and my laps around the table they repeated

People left families left. Every person had a house and I had a kennel not big small but
warm not cold comfortable but it wasn’t permanent at least I hoped it wasn’t. Each day I
chased after new owners my original ones made me feel abandoned. The new owners?
They provided new kennels, temporary new kennels I should say not a kennel that was
permanent no new toys no need food at least I didn’t seek nothing new but I did seek
change, the same old chew toys that destroyed my teeth I know it did but as a dog return
to his vomit a foolish man return to his folly and return to my vomit returning to my folly is
what I did indeed but I had to turn back that vomit was the only thing that full me I wasn’t
being fed I didn’t had bread neither did I had water only if I had a cup that always
overflowed but I didn’t, so one could only be thirsty for so long

One day I heard a knock

A knock like I’ve never heard before a knock of love and compassion a gentle knock so
weird I could of tell what kind of knock it was even more so that I answered the door

A Man was standing there, he asked to come in I allowed him in, he sat at the table and
told me join him, I’m a dog how can I sit a table I ponder? But I didn’t ask questions and I
did it was oddly comfortable like I was made to sit at this table all my life, he got up and
poured me a glass of milk and gave it to me and told me drink I didn’t question it and drunk
it but it was weird when was their a table in my kennel much less when was their a fridge
here? He said (….) dine with me, Wait a minute did he call me something just now a name I
was shocked I was baffle he could tell he didn’t get angry at me being lost but was rather
patient. He said You have one of those but all my life I’ve heard stop sit bad dog I’ve never
heard a name being called so gently so beautiful nevertheless a name the suddenly
belonged to me? That alone caught my attention so I let him abode with me for awhile I
wanted to know more about this man and I wanted to know why he gave me a name. As we
spent time together. It was different from the get go, it was different from the previous
owners first off I never seek him no no he sought me he found me, he treated me like he
knew me my whole life but I went missing and never returned in gentle reassuring loving
calm ways that I can’t explain as I sat with him and listened to him talk he didn’t whisper
but boldly proclaim his love for me and not only in words but in action I could see it in the
genuineness of the way he moved he cared for me he even told me he forgives me, forgive
me for what? I didn’t do wrong I didn’t see wrong what’s up with this new owner? I gave
him a week or two before I ran or he before he left that at least is what I thought in the
beginning but he never ran he never left even when I bit him he’d just pet me and continue
to shower me with love that I certainly didn’t deserve but couldn’t help but delight in, he
supplied me with food it was a different kind of food it wasn’t hard to digest rather easy
rather simple, It was like milk the same milk he gave in the beginning but keep in mind I’m
a grown dog at least I was a grown dog to myself but so what why was he supplying me
with milk? I asked one day he said because I need it at the moment I can’t handle stronger
food so I patiently drank the milk. During our time together I finally got to know him I never
knew love but getting to know him I learnt what love is it was like He is Love patient
merciful compassionate kind beautiful a gentle it was like He is Love. During this time
there was one door I left shut that I never let him go into it kept weighing on my heart
everything I gave up to him but I never gave that up to him but still that one thing? That
didn’t stop us we laugh together I cried to him,I even let others into the kennel because of
him they never left like the rest but at heart I was still a dog walking around the table they
ate it, feeling outcasted but it was different this time, at the beginning of each lap he’d
stop me and lift me up and take me to the couch put on my fav superhero’s shows another
thing was weird my fav superhero slowly transition from being the man on the screen and
slowly turnt into the Man who watched the man on the screen with me and I’d watch and
laugh and talk wait a minute I talk? A dog doesn’t talk a dog barks so why am I not barking
why am I talking I stopped to wonder but it was such beautiful moments I forgot about it
and continue talking as I talked more and stopped barking I started to talk like him he
heard he knew and he was delighted but he was always this delighted he was always this
loving with me but me? I started to became happy I was happy to make him now I was
happy to be with him I was happy to be his (….) but to be honest? I was never a good dog
or a good (…) when I think he wasn’t looking I’d run back to the chew toys and vomit I’d
run back to the folly and it made me sick but every time I did he’d take me up and wash me
off he washed my feet, your feet? Yes my feet but aren’t you a dog? Wait I am why does a
dog have feet why isn’t he washing my paws I wondered and even when I wondered even
when I went back to the vomit he still wash my feet and never my paws. I asked him why
does he never stop me from going to the things that destroy me he told me those were
mine to give up not his to forcefully took away wait I have a choice??? A choice to make a
decision? I’m not good at decisions but I don’t want to lose him so I hid the chew toys in
the room that I never left him into and I vomit in there from henceforth the room where I
didn’t let him visit where I locked the door. I kept getting sick I hated it I hated hurting him
I wanted change I was tired of walking around tables begging for spare change for spare
love when he gave me all the love I could of ever ask for he didn’t have me spare change or
half cups of water he gave me overflowing water, water that I always had alot of. I couldn’t
stand to continue in this pitiful acts, so I open the door, I let him in, it was so dirty vomiting
every where were chew toys fill with mold but he handed me a broom and said let’s get
cleaning he wasn’t disgusted at me but I was he told there’s no need to feel Shane for he
has washed that away no need to feel condemn for he has taken care of that. As we clean
he did most of the work to be quite frank I was just there I moved stuff more like I handed
him all the big things he lifted them up with me and the room was clean FINALLY I shouted,
you shouted? Yes with him I could of be me I was finally able to be the name he called me
by I was able to be (……), in the back of the room there was a box I saw this box multiple
times but I never open it what was in the box I wondered, why did I hide in box like that in a
room fill with such dirt. I didn’t want to see what was in the box alone I was scared handed
him it to throw away but he didn’t he said let’s look inside of it first then decide if I want to
throw it away so I took it out with his help I took out the object in that was in the box it was
a mirror we lifted it up leaning it on the wall and we cleaned it because it was dirty foggy
being locked away in here for awhile when I finally looked in the mirror I saw me for the
first time who I truly am I saw my identity the identity he knew of but I never knew of
myself is this why he acts like he always knew me? Did he truly always knew me? Did he
know I wasn’t never a dog I wasn’t an animal that had to walk around the table begging for
love that wasn’t me, when I looked I was shocked, baffle filled with joy and heartache It
was hard to grasp, I wasn’t a dog I was a human not different from the households
members I saw sitting at the table, the fancy people walking around with there fancy
clothes loving each other in beautiful ways, I wasn’t a dog I was a human I too was one of
them no I wasn’t just one of them I was much more I was a Son it made sense now the
washing of feet the drinking of milk at such an old age I was old on the outside but to him I
never grew from the moment I left him soft and tender love he repaid me when I repaid him
nothing he knit me back together but all I gave him were bitten hands and running away
having him search for me at night finding me sick from eating my own vomit I wasn’t
suppose to eat my own vomit or chew on those toys so it made sense I got sick, I was
ecstatic I was a son I was and I am his Son and he said to me tears of joy filled my eyes I
was never allowed to cry but with him I had a place to shed a tear

Your faith has made thee whole

But no father you have made me whole thank you for loving me thank you for being patient
thank you for being my father ket me repay you with the same love and with keys to every
place in my kennel?? What kennel this isn’t a kennel it’s a home it’s a heart my heart so
Father don’t just have my home I pray and beg and plead have my heart and forgive me for
the wrong that I now fully see thank you for letting me be your son