Body Language

Your facial expressions, gestures, posture, and tone of voice are powerful communication
tools. Here’s how to read and use body language to build better relationships at home and
work.

Meaning of body language

While the key to success in both personal and professional relationships lies in your ability to
communicate well, it’s not the words that you use but your nonverbal cues or “body
language” that speak the loudest. Body language is the use of physical behavior, expressions,
and mannerisms to communicate nonverbally, often done instinctively rather than
consciously.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, when you interact with others, you’re continuously giving
and receiving wordless signals. All of your nonverbal behaviors—the gestures you make,
your posture, your tone of voice, how much eye contact you make—send strong messages.
They can put people at ease, build trust, and draw others towards you, or they can offend,
confuse, and undermine what you’re trying to convey. These messages don’t stop when you
stop speaking either. Even when you’re silent, you’re still communicating nonverbally.

In some instances, what comes out of your mouth and what you communicate through your
body language may be two totally different things. If you say one thing, but your body
language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you’re being dishonest. If you
say “yes” while shaking your head no, for example. When faced with such mixed signals, the
listener has to choose whether to believe your verbal or nonverbal message. Since body
language is a natural, unconscious language that broadcasts your true feelings and intentions,
they’ll likely choose the nonverbal message.

However, by improving how you understand and use nonverbal communication, you can
express what you really mean, connect better with others, and build stronger, more rewarding
relationships.

The importance of nonverbal communication

Your nonverbal communication cues—the way you listen, look, move, and react—tell the
person you’re communicating with whether or not you care, if you’re being truthful, and how
well you’re listening. When your nonverbal signals match up with the words you’re saying,
they increase trust, clarity, and rapport. When they don’t, they can generate tension, mistrust,
and confusion.

If you want to become a better communicator, it’s important to become more sensitive not
only to the body language and nonverbal cues of others, but also to your own.

Nonverbal communication can play five roles:

 Repetition: It repeats and often strengthens the message you’re making verbally.

 Contradiction: It can contradict the message you’re trying to convey, thus indicating
to your listener that you may not be telling the truth.

 Substitution: It can substitute for a verbal message. For example, your facial
expression often conveys a far more vivid message than words ever can.

 Complementing: It may add to or complement your verbal message. As a boss, if

you pat an employee on the back in addition to giving praise, it can increase the
impact of your message.

 Accenting: It may accent or underline a verbal message. Pounding the table, for
example, can underline the importance of your message.

Types of nonverbal communication

The many different types of nonverbal communication or body language include:

Facial expressions. The human face is extremely expressive, able to convey countless
emotions without saying a word. And unlike some forms of nonverbal communication, facial
expressions are universal. The facial expressions for happiness, sadness, anger, surprise, fear,
and disgust are the same across cultures.

Body movement and posture. Consider how your perceptions of people are affected by the
way they sit, walk, stand, or hold their head. The way you move and carry yourself
communicates a wealth of information to the world. This type of nonverbal communication
includes your posture, bearing, stance, and the subtle movements you make.

Gestures. Gestures are woven into the fabric of our daily lives. You may wave, point,
beckon, or use your hands when arguing or speaking animatedly, often expressing yourself
with gestures without thinking. However, the meaning of some gestures can be very different
across cultures. While the “OK” sign made with the hand, for example, usually conveys a
positive message in English-speaking countries, it’s considered offensive in countries such as
Germany, Russia, and Brazil. So, it’s important to be careful of how you use gestures to
avoid misinterpretation.

Eye contact. Since the visual sense is dominant for most people, eye contact is an especially
important type of nonverbal communication. The way you look at someone can communicate
many things, including interest, affection, hostility, or attraction. Eye contact is also
important in maintaining the flow of conversation and for gauging the other person’s interest
and response.

Touch. We communicate a great deal through touch. Think about the very different messages
given by a weak handshake, a warm bear hug, a patronizing pat on the head, or a controlling
grip on the arm, for example.

Space. Have you ever felt uncomfortable during a conversation because the other person was
standing too close and invading your space? We all have a need for physical space, although
that need differs depending on the culture, the situation, and the closeness of the relationship.
You can use physical space to communicate many different nonverbal messages, including
signals of intimacy and affection, aggression or dominance.

Voice. It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. When you speak, other people “read”
your voice in addition to listening to your words. Things they pay attention to include your
timing and pace, how loud you speak, your tone and inflection, and sounds that convey
understanding, such as “ahh” and “uh-huh.” Think about how your tone of voice can indicate
sarcasm, anger, affection, or confidence.
If you want to communicate effectively, avoid misunderstandings, and enjoy solid, trusting
relationships both socially and professionally, it’s important to understand how to use and
interpret body language and improve your nonverbal communication skills.

How to improve nonverbal communication

Nonverbal communication is a rapidly flowing back-and-forth process that requires your full
focus on the moment-to-moment experience. If you’re planning what you’re going to say
next, checking your phone, or thinking about something else, you’re almost certain to miss
nonverbal cues and not fully understand the subtleties of what’s being communicated. As
well as being fully present, you can improve how you communicate nonverbally by learning
to manage stress and developing your emotional awareness.

Learn to manage stress in the moment

Stress compromises your ability to communicate. When you’re stressed out, you’re more
likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into
unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. And remember: emotions are contagious. If you are
upset, it is very likely to make others upset, thus making a bad situation worse.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by stress, take a time out. Take a moment to calm down before
you jump back into the conversation. Once you’ve regained your emotional equilibrium,
you’ll feel better equipped to deal with the situation in a positive way.

The fastest and surest way to calm yourself and manage stress in the moment is to employ
your senses—what you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch—or through a soothing movement.
By viewing a photo of your child or pet, smelling a favorite scent, listening to a certain piece
of music, or squeezing a stress ball, for example, you can quickly relax and refocus. Since
everyone responds differently, you may need to experiment to find the sensory
experience that works best for you.

Develop your emotional awareness

In order to send accurate nonverbal cues, you need to be aware of your emotions and how
they influence you. You also need to be able to recognize the emotions of others and the true
feelings behind the cues they are sending. This is where emotional awareness comes in.
Being emotionally aware enables you to:

 Accurately read other people, including the emotions they’re feeling and the unspoken
messages they’re sending.

 Create trust in relationships by sending nonverbal signals that match up with your
words.

 Respond in ways that show others that you understand and care.

Many of us are disconnected from our emotions—especially strong emotions such as anger,
sadness, fear—because we’ve been taught to try to shut off our feelings. But while you can
deny or numb your feelings, you can’t eliminate them. They’re still there and they’re still
affecting your behavior. By developing your emotional awareness and connecting with even
the unpleasant emotions, though, you’ll gain greater control over how you think and act. To
start developing your emotional awareness, practice the mindfulness meditation in
HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit.

How to read body language

Once you’ve developed your abilities to manage stress and recognize emotions, you’ll start to
become better at reading the nonverbal signals sent by others. It’s also important to:

Pay attention to inconsistencies. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being

said. Is the person saying one thing, but their body language conveying something else? For
example, are they telling you “yes” while shaking their head no?

Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a single
gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you are receiving, from eye
contact to tone of voice and body language. Taken together, are their nonverbal cues
consistent—or inconsistent—with what their words are saying?

Trust your instincts. Don’t dismiss your gut feelings. If you get the sense that someone isn’t
being honest or that something isn’t adding up, you may be picking up on a mismatch
between verbal and nonverbal cues.

Evaluating nonverbal signals

Eye contact – Is the person making eye contact? If so, is it overly intense or just right?

Facial expression – What is their face showing? Is it masklike and unexpressive, or

emotionally present and filled with interest?

Tone of voice – Does the person’s voice project warmth, confidence, and interest, or is it
strained and blocked?

Posture and gesture – Is their body relaxed or stiff and immobile? Are their shoulders tense
and raised, or relaxed?

Touch – Is there any physical contact? Is it appropriate to the situation? Does it make you
feel uncomfortable?

Intensity – Does the person seem flat, cool, and disinterested, or over-the-top and
melodramatic?

Timing and place – Is there an easy flow of information back and forth? Do nonverbal
responses come too quickly or too slowly?

Sounds – Do you hear sounds that indicate interest, caring or concern from the person?