PARENTING

TRANSGENDER CHILDREN

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Copyright © 2022 Strong Family Alliance

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 Parenting Transgender
Children

Chapter 1 - Changes and Concerns

• Risks for Your Child

• The Stages of Coming Out

• Parent Actions That Help

• Parent Actions That Hurt

• Terms to Understand

• On Love and Freedom

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Most parents aren’t sure how to react when their child
discloses a different gender identity—simply because this
isn’t a focus until it touches their lives. Even parents who have
close LGBTQ+ acquaintances or family members may find it
difficult when their own child is involved. This is a powerful
change in the family picture.

There are also two sides to this story of change. A child

coming out to family members is emotionally vulnerable.
Those who receive the news are often upset and
overwhelmed. There will probably be missteps on both sides
as they navigate this new territory.

This parent guide focuses on important information parents

need to know how to help choose the best path for their
family.

The good news: Staying connected, building communication,

and working through change as a family can result in deeper
relationships and better health for your child. While the
challenges can be hard, many parents find they develop
deeper, more honest, and more genuine relationships with
their children as they work together through the changes
they face.

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“How could I not have known? I’ve come to learn
and accept it was because she didn’t fully know or
understand it, let alone have the language to speak it
out loud. “
- Father of a transgender daughter

“Know that for every shred of despair, fear, anxiety,

sense of failure you feel, it pales in comparison to what
your child may have been going through.”
~ Mother of a transgender son

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Risks for Your Child
Although it may feel difficult to support your child as they
explore their gender identity (sometimes called “coming in”)
and disclose to others (also known as “coming out”), there is
a higher risk to your child’s health and safety if you don’t
support them. LGBTQ+ children who are rejected or cut off
from family are more likely to experience physical and mental
health problems.1 Here are some statistics from research with
transgender youth and adults:

Suicide

• LGBTQ+ youth rejected by family are 8 times more likely

to attempt suicide.1
• Most teen suicides are impulsive with little or no
planning and 70% occur in the victims’ homes.2
• Of those transgender youth reporting at least one
suicide attempt:
- 50.9% were transgender female to male
- 29.9% were transgender from male to female
- 27.9% were adolescents who described themselves
as “questioning” 3
• A survey of 6000 transgender adults revealed that 45%
of 18 to 24-year-olds attempted suicide, compared to
4.6% of the overall U.S. population.4

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Violence and Bullying

• Approximately 3 out of 4 transgender and gender non-

conforming youth hear their family make negative
remarks about LGBTQ+ people.5 More than half of
transgender or gender non-conforming youth say they
have been mocked by their family for their identity.5
• 84% of transgender youth said they do not always feel
safe in the classroom.5
• More than half of young transgender people can never
use the school restroom that aligns with their gender
identity.5
• Nearly half (46%) of respondents were verbally
harassed in the past year for being transgender.6
• Nearly one in ten (9%) were physically attacked in the
past year for being transgender. 6
• In 2022, over 150 anti-transgender bills were submitted
in state legislatures. 7

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Drug and Substance Abuse

• Four percent (4%) of transgender respondents used

illicit drugs (not including marijuana and nonmedical use
of prescription drugs) in the past month. 6
• Overall, 29% of transgender respondents reported illicit
drug use, marijuana consumption, and/or nonmedical
prescription drug use in the past month, which is nearly
three times the rate in the U.S. population (10%). 6
• Parent support and strong family attunement can
protect transgender kids, adolescents, and young
adults. Continue reading to learn more about what they
are experiencing and how your reactions can help or
hurt.

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The Stages of
Coming out
You may have just learned that your child is transgender
(including nonbinary, gender expansive, and gender
questioning). However, your child has probably been on this
journey for months or years, also known as the “coming in”
process. You have probably heard the term “coming out,”
which means telling others about orientation or gender
identity. For transgender youth, the idea of “coming in” points
to how they are developing or becoming aware of their sense
of gender within themselves.

Knowing the stages they’ve been through is a first step to

understanding their journey.8

Stage 1 – Self Discovery as Transgender

Becoming aware of gender identity can take time. Some

people don’t become aware until puberty sets in. Self-
discovery may include confusion, anxiety, denial of feelings,
and worries about being accepted. This internal conflict often
results in continuing to appear as the gender that others
expect, either due to preference or because circumstances
require it.

Sometimes individuals attempt to “overcome” or deny their

gender identity, particularly if they fear being condemned.
LGBTQ+ people in general are often “in the closet” at this
stage, which refers to keeping their identity to themselves.

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However, many seek out information online or through
reading or from friends. This stage may be deeply, privately
maintained until near puberty, until the emotional struggle
requires action, or until the individual is more independent.
Some individuals only come in as transgender adults.

The process can be different for everyone. Sometimes there

are early indications, although “playing with dolls” or “being a
tomboy” are not necessarily signs that a child is transgender.
Allow them to explore and follow their pace. Time will bring
clarity: sometimes children may go back and forth, and others
will be “persistent, insistent, and consistent” about their
gender identity.

Stage 2 – Disclosure to Others

Disclosure is an ongoing process. The first step in this stage

is sharing one’s authentic self with a close friend or family
member. Often this is a peer or close friend, and parents are
not always the first to know. Disclosure may extend to more
people over time. Rejection may cause a return to Stage 1, in
which gender identity is kept private. However, a positive
response from others can lead to higher self-esteem, greater
self-acceptance, and most importantly, continued
communication and openness.

In particular, the way parents respond when children disclose

a different gender identity or questions about gender may
deeply shape both the child's perspective about themself as
well as the relationship with their parent. You don’t have to
have all the answers, but it is important to listen, express a
desire to understand, and show love and affection.

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For transgender persons who choose to socially or medically
transition, their appearance, expression, pronouns, name
change, and gender identity become more visible, and their
privacy will diminish. Parental and family support at this time
is particularly important to provide a safe harbor from
discrimination or negative reactions they may encounter.

Stage 3 – Socialization with Other Transgender People

As a transgender child begins to find and connect with others

who also identify as transgender or LGBTQ+, feelings of
isolation and estrangement may diminish. A positive sense of
self is strengthened by validation, education, support, and
acceptance by a community of others who have shared
experiences. Positive role models who are transgender are
particularly important during this stage.

Stage 4 – Positive Self-Identification

The hallmark of this stage is feeling good about oneself,

seeking positive relationships, and experiencing a sense of
peace and fulfillment. At this point, the person begins to feel
healthy and positive within their gender identity and the way
they present themselves to others. Living as the gender with
which they identify feels honest and true.

Stage 5 – Integration and Acceptance

This stage involves an openness and non-defensiveness

about gender identity. Integration of this aspect of a person’s
identity may manifest itself in different ways, which could be
anything from openly sharing their gender and their transition
story with others to simply living as their authentic self
without explanation or backstory.
Affirming relationships, family, friends, and communities of
faith greatly impact an individual’s ability to be fully integrated
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and self-accepting. At this stage, some individuals may
become mentors or advocates for transgender or LGBTQ+
issues. It can affirm their success in claiming their identity to
help others find resources, encouragement, and a personal path.

Stage 6 – A Lifelong Journey

Coming out as transgender does not happen just once. It is a

lifelong process of discovering, accepting, and living within
one's gender identity. In our society, we usually assume that
everyone is heterosexual and lives in their sex assigned at
birth. Transgender people must continually decide under
what circumstances and with whom they will discuss their
gender identity. Often their issues of safety and acceptance
are complex, and building a supportive community is an
ongoing process. Family support and encouragement
continue to be a strengthening resource throughout their
experiences.

(Adapted from The Stages of Coming Out,

by Richard Niolon, Ph.D.)

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“Somebody, your father or mine, should have told us
that not many people have ever died of love. But
multitudes have perished, and are perishing every
hour--and in the oddest places!--for the lack of it.”
~ Author James Baldwin

Parent Actions that help

Many parents do not realize what an important role their
comments, attitudes, and actions play in reducing risks for
their transgender child. They are struggling with their own
emotions.

The good news: You can steer your child in a positive

direction. What you choose to do (or not do) with and for your
child can make a big difference for them right now and in
their future.

Will you always love me?

This is the key question for transgender youth, whether they

ask it directly or not. This question is far more important than

the words “I’m trans” or “I’m nonbinary.” It is essential that you

express affection when your child discloses their gender to
you, and that you continue to do so. Show your child that they
are loved, even if you are struggling to accept this change in
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their identity. Warmth, respect, and displays of physical and
emotional affection are more important now than ever. Don’t
ever hesitate to say, “I love you.”

Keep Talking – and Listening

Your child may think that your silence on this topic means that
you are angry with them. Parents who talk with and listen to

their child or teen in a way that invites an open discussion

about gender can help them feel loved and supported. It’s
important to let them talk and for you to sometimes raise the
topic. This gives them permission to do so as well. Discuss
news items, characters on TV or films, or a friend you know to
open up discussion.

Even if it feels uncomfortable, keep up a flow of

communication so your child feels comfortable continuing to
talk to you. This includes talking with your child about their
gender identity and experiences even when you are
uncomfortable. Listening is as important as what you say. Ask
how you can help and what your child needs. You don’t need
to have all the answers, you just need to be there for them.

Make Sure Your Child Feels Affirmed and Supported

When your child discusses their gender identity, you may be

tempted to try to figure things out by asking questions or
suggesting alternative ideas and explanations. Instead, as
one therapist for families with transgender kids says, “When
your kid says they are transgender, just go with it.” What
does this look like? When your child brings up gender, refrain
from arguing when they tell you who they are or what they
need. More importantly, try to use the name or pronouns they
prefer.

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Although this might be the most difficult, using the name and
pronouns your child requests may also be the most important
choice parents can make to show transgender kids they are
loved, accepted, and supported. Some other examples of
actions that demonstrate your support and affirmation:9

• Listen in a way that invites open discussion about their

gender. Be curious but not prying.
• Continue to include them in family activities.
• Help your child find support organizations and attend
with them if appropriate.
• Take time to come to terms with your own feelings and
reactions, so you can respond calmly and use respectful
language.
• Try to get to know their friends and/or romantic
partners.

Relationship is Paramount

When a child is transgender, parents have a cascade of

emotions to deal with, but that takes time. Try to hold
emotions in check, focus on your relationship, express love
and affection, and let them know you are trying to
understand. It’s important to know your actions and words
can support your child even as you struggle. Your child’s
perception of your acceptance or rejection has a huge
impact.

Although it is vital for parents to sort through feelings and

learn about what it means to be transgender, your child
should not be the source of reassurance or information. As
best you can, accept what your child tells you without asking
why, when, what, and how, as these questions can feel like an
interrogation. To the best of your ability, offer responses that

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do not include demanding explanations, asking for reasons,
voicing doubts, or expressing sadness, worry, or fear.

The good news? Kids can tell if parents are trying, even when
parents struggle or make mistakes. According to recent
research with transgender teens, the adolescents always
rated their parents to be more supportive than the parents
rated themselves. “There are no medical side effects to
listening and giving hugs or trying to use your child’s preferred
name and pronoun.”16 You will be adjusting to changes for a
long time, but gestures of love, support, openness, and
reassurance are supportive to your child. Your effort to build
and sustain the relationship is key.

Stand Up for Your Child

You may hear negative comments made about your child or

transgender people. How you speak about your child or
transgender people can be as important as what you say
directly to your child.

• Speak up with a different point of view and be aware

your child is probably listening. Your words are a
powerful witness to your support. Even if you are
unsure, skeptical, or upset, a simple statement such as,
“I don’t think that’s true” or “I don’t know about that”
when responding to negative comments or stereotypes
will let your child know that you are on their side.
• Make it known that you will not accept discrimination,
teasing, or insults to your child (e.g. “I don’t think that’s
OK to say” or “that’s not funny” or that’s insulting”.)
• Defend your child and advocate for them, even amid
your own process of coming to acceptance about this
(e.g. “They’re figuring it out, I’m supporting them, and I
hope you will too.”).

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 • Insist that family members treat your child with respect,
(e.g. “I know you don’t understand, but please don’t
criticize/tease/deny/etc…”).

Help Your Child Envision and Believe They Can Be a Happy

Adult

Your acceptance and optimism help your child envision a

positive future and counteracts the hopelessness and sense
of isolation that contribute to suicide and destructive
behaviors. In one study, within families that were rated as
very accepting, 92% of LGBTQ+ youth believed they would
have good lives (92%) and most wanted to become a parent
(69%).10 While this statistic is not specific to families with
transgender children, it does reflect the impact family
acceptance can have on building optimism and a hopeful
future outlook for youth who don’t fit most cultural norms.
Helping your child build a positive view of their future can be
a strong support.

Doing this is not difficult. As with any child, it is important to

encourage your child by helping them build on natural
strengths, foster hope and optimism, avoid risky behaviors,
and practice self-care both physically and emotionally.11 Help
them find activities, sports, clubs, or service work that can
provide balance and variety as they learn skills. Ask about
their dreams, what they would like to be, what their hopes are
for education, work, and their adulthood or future. Building a
mental picture of a positive future can help counterbalance
current struggles.

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Parent Actions that hurt
Hearing your child question their gender can be an emotional
shock, and both you and your child are vulnerable to strong
emotions.

Parent comments, attitudes, and actions play a large role in

how things turn out for their child.1 Parent behaviors such as
shaming or shunning are negative in any context. Many
parents don’t realize that even protective efforts can be felt
as rejection by their child. Subtle actions, attitudes, words, or
choices that communicate rejection to your child have been
shown to be linked to both health and mental health
problems:1

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Abusive behaviors can include a variety of behavior that
harms another person:11

• Aggression can include verbally belittling, dominating or

insulting someone, criticism, arguing, controlling, or
aligning against a family member.
• Lack of affection, such as the absence of verbal
expressions of love, physical affection, encouragement,
or time spent together.
• Neglect can include ignoring or not paying attention to
someone, so that a person is not comfortable around
some family members.
• Violence is considered physical harm and sexual
abuse.11

It goes without saying that these actions are harmful.

However, when they are aimed at your child’s identity, they
can be even more damaging. No matter what your reactions
are, do not take them out on your child. What you choose to
do (or not do) with and for your child can make a big
difference.

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Important Actions
to Avoid
Rejecting Your Child’s Word That They are Transgender

“It’s just a phase.”

Disbelief or denying your child’s identity is highly negative.

Youth do not casually claim to be different than their sex
assigned at birth, as it can bring challenges and even stigma.
You may need time to adjust to it, but don’t deny or minimize
your child’s disclosure. They trusted and loved you enough to
be honest.

Family behaviors that try to change, prevent, deny or

minimize their child’s LGBTQ+ identity have a
negative impact on their child’s health and well-being
and contribute to depression, suicide, illegal drug use
and other serious health risks.
~ Family Acceptance Project, [Link]

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Refusing to Use Your Child’s Chosen Name or Pronouns

“I know your name, I named you!”

Parents may feel strongly about their child’s name, which is

usually carefully chosen and may indicate family ties or
tradition. But their own chosen name is an important marker
for your child regarding how they identify.

Their birth or given name is sometimes referred to as their

“dead” name because it is not how they see themselves in
their new identity. Using your child’s chosen name is an
important demonstration of support and acknowledgement
and using their dead name can actually feel like a form of
attack.

Changing their pronouns (he/she/they) can also be very

difficult because habits are hard to break. However, your
effort to try, even if you make mistakes, affirms to your child
that you want to understand and support them in their new
identity.

Hitting or Physically Hurting Your Child

“You deserved that!”

“The parental use of physical force is always risky…Damage

to the parent/child relationship can be done if basic trust in
safety with the parent is lost.” 12

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Hurting with Words

“You’re disgusting!”

Insulting is classified under emotional abuse. By definition,

emotional abuse refers to any act by an adult that results in
injuring a child’s emotional health. When you yell at your child
or throw insults at them, you are chipping away bits from their
self-esteem. Insults come in many forms. Some of them
include:

• Name-calling: “Are you stupid?”

• Shame: “You embarrass me…you are such a
disappointment.”
• Comparisons: “I wish you were more like your sister.”
• Teasing in public: “Oh, he sucks at math; he’s bottom of
his class.”
• Rejection: “Shut up and get out of my face.”
• Extreme or negative criticisms: “You are a worthless
embarrassment. Why can’t you make me proud in even
one thing?”13

“You may not be the only voice in your child’s ear

but make sure you’re the best voice in your child’s ear.”
~ Dr. Phil

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Excluding Your Child from Family Activities

“Not this time…”

“Your Aunt Maria won’t understand, so maybe it’s
best if you stay home…”

Ostracizing someone does not just reduce feelings of

belonging, it can also lower self-esteem, a sense of control,
and a “sense of having a meaningful existence.” 14 Ignoring,
ostracizing, or marginalizing your child may inflict serious
emotional pain and increase the risk of self-harming
behaviors and despair. If you are concerned that a family
member or friend may create discomfort for your child, a
better tactic would be to discuss how the family will handle
the situation. The plan should support, protect, and/or
empower your child, and above all should feel comfortable
for your child.

Blaming Your Child When Discrimination or Bullying Occur

“If you weren’t trans, they wouldn’t have…”

“If you worked a little harder to blend in…”

This is an example of a desire to protect coming across as

rejection. Even if you believe it to be true, do not point to your
child’s gender identity as a reason that bad things happen to
them, such as teasing, harassment, or loss of friendships.1

If your child is being bullied, they are the victim. Taking the
perspective of “you are bringing this on yourself” will only add
shame to an already difficult experience. Empathizing and
taking your child’s side is an important show of support. Often
all that is needed is to acknowledge how your child is feeling,

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rather than attempting to offer fixes, solutions, or changes your
child should make.

Using Religion Against Them

“It’s a sin.”

It is deeply wounding to tell your child that he or she will be a

disappointment to God or your religious community,
particularly if your family is connected to a faith community.
This will likely create self-hate or self-doubt within your child,
but it will not create positive change. Please see the list of
faith-based organizations on [Link] to
locate groups from many faiths and denominations that
provide supportive information.

Terms to Understand
Often parents don’t absorb gender diversity terminology until
the topic touches them personally. A first step in
understanding and supporting your child is to gain a clear
understanding of some common terms related to gender,
including definitions and how they relate (or don’t relate) to
your child. Here’s a basic list.
(The following is largely excerpted, with edits, from the
GLAAD Media Reference Guide. Many additional terms are
defined and described there.)

Cisgender - a person whose gender identity matches the sex

they were assigned at birth. This male/female category
applies to a large portion of society.
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Gender Dysphoria - distress a person feels due to a
mismatch between their gender identity—their personal
sense of their
own gender—and their sex assigned at birth. This is not
always part of the transgender experience, but puberty may
bring this feeling of mismatch to the surface.

Gender Expansive - Describes someone whose gender

identity and/or gender expression expands beyond, actively
resists, and/or does not conform to the current cultural or
social expectations of gender, particularly in relation to male
or female (see also nonbinary).

Gender Expression - How a person publicly expresses or

presents their gender. This can include behavior and outward
appearance such as dress, hair, make-up, body language, and
voice. A person’s chosen name and pronoun are also
common ways of expressing gender. Others perceive a
person’s gender through these attributes.15

Gender Fluid - Describes someone whose gender identity is

not fixed. Gender-fluid individuals prefer to remain flexible
about their gender(s). Some dress in ways that reflect both
genders at the same time, while others may express one
gender one day and another gender another day.

Gender Identity - This is how someone sees themself. This is

an individual's innate understanding of their own gender.

• NOTE: The terms sexual orientation and gender identity

are often misused, but they are not the same and not
interchangeable. A person of any gender identity could
be sexually attracted to any type of person.
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Gender Questioning - tentative gender identity label for a
person who is in the process of figuring out how to describe
and label their gender identity but has reason to think that
they might be transgender or nonbinary.

Nonbinary - an adjective used by people who experience

their gender identity and/or gender expression as falling
outside the two (i.e. binary) categories of man and woman.
Many nonbinary people also call themselves transgender and
consider themselves part of the transgender community.
Others do not.

Queer - An adjective used by some people, particularly

younger people, whose sexual orientation is not exclusively
heterosexual. Typically, for those who identify as queer, the
terms lesbian, gay, and bisexual are perceived to be too
limiting and/or requiring them to label themselves. Once
considered a pejorative term, queer has been reclaimed by
some LGBTQ+ people to describe themselves. However, it is
not a universally accepted term even within the LGBTQ+
community.

Sexual orientation - This is about who a person is attracted

to. This is a person's enduring physical, romantic, and/or
emotional attraction to another person.

Trans - Shorthand for transgender.

Transgender - An umbrella term that describes people whose

gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.
Being transgender is not dependent upon physical appearance
or medical procedures. It’s an identity. A person can call

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themself transgender the moment they realize that their gender
identity is different from the sex they were assigned at birth.
People who are transgender may also use other terms, in
addition to transgender, to describe their gender more
specifically.

Transition - The process a person undertakes to bring their

gender expression and/or their body into alignment with their
gender identity. It is a complex process that occurs over a
long period of time and the exact steps involved in transition
will vary from person to person. Chapter 3 provides more
detail about the variety of transition steps.

Some transgender people may not feel they need to take any
transition steps at all, while others may wish to transition but
cannot due to cost, underlying medical conditions, and/or
fear of consequences from transphobic family, employers,
etc. A person can call themselves transgender the moment
they realize that their gender identity is different from the sex
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they were assigned at birth, whether they take transition
steps or not.
• Social transition - Telling family, friends, and co-
workers, using a different name, using different
pronouns, dressing differently, starting or stopping
wearing make-up and jewelry, etc.
• Legal transition - Changing your name and/or sex
marker on documents like a driver's license, passport,
Social Security record, bank accounts, etc.
• Medical transition - Hormone therapy and/or one or
more surgical procedures.

(NOTE: Occasionally additional terms and definitions arise, such as pansexual, omnisexual,
two spirit, and more. This can lead to complicated indicators such as LGBTQIA2S+. For
simplicity, we have focused on terms most applicable to transgender issues. However,
evolving definitions can be found on the websites of [Link], the Mayo Clinic, and even
online dictionaries.)

On Love and Freedom

by Janet Gattis Duke
(From Strong Family
Alliance Blog)

Research shows it takes most families about two years to find

a new balance as a child comes out. This has made me think
about things that were valuable to my LGBTQ+ daughter and
our relationship in the years since she came out.

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Determination to love was the most important. That sounds
negative. But I found love was often an act of will. When I was
confused or hurting, it was be hard to be loving. When I was
worried or fearful, I meant to love but I could come across as
angry.

Being a parent is hard work and sometimes it is guess-work.

But there were added challenges when parenting an LGBTQ+
teen. I encountered situations with a twist and had to work
through them. For instance, dating is a normal part of growing
up, but with an LGBTQ+ child it was more complicated. Do the
other parents know? Is it safe where they are going?

Sleepovers that would have been no problem became a

challenge. Schools for all grades were a consideration, from
teacher support to extra-curricular choices. Selecting a college
suddenly included more than academics or affordability.
(Please see our section on Colleges, Scholarships and
Educational Resources for LGBTQ+ if you are in this process.)

I found determination to love could change my attitude. I

rejected the self-pity of “why is this so hard” or “if only things
were normal” and intentionally choose a different point of

view: “we are in this together and I am on your side.” That

made all the difference.
It took time to process the loss of my predictable future —a
process most parents face. I had many dreams for the future
that had to be reimagined. I often slipped back into the worry
cycle and had to intentionally refocus. That is where
determination came in.

Along the way I learned about the importance of freedom.

Not for me but for my child. I often gave guidance that had

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worked for me. Ideas about clothing, making friends, dealing
with hurts, etc. I was guilty of over-advising. It is one thing to
talk over options, it is another to constantly say “you
should…”

Things that worked for my time and situation that were

different for her. I had to learn to give her freedom to choose,
to help only if asked. I found that not fully understanding the
challenges she faced day to day made me a better parent. I
had to listen more. I had to learn from her. I had to let her take
the lead in her own choices and in the process we grew
closer.

Other parents say their closeness increases as well. Working

through their challenges together brings their family closer.
They become more honest with each other. They develop better

communication. They learn to find new options and solutions

that work for them. They find supportive communities,
churches, and schools. They build a stronger, more
connected and understanding family.

Two things I learned worked for us: determination to love and

granting my child freedom to lead her own life. My hope is
that each family finds the techniques that help them build
their best future together. That during this change in their
family or other challenges, they stay well, grow closer and
discover new possibilities.

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REFERENCES

1. Ryan, C., Huebner, D., Diaz, R. M., & Sanchez, J. (2009).

Family rejection as a predictor of negative health
outcomes in White and Latino lesbian, gay, and
bisexual young adults. Pediatrics, 123, 346-352.

2. SPEAK: Suicide Prevention Awareness Education for

Kids. Suicide facts. [Link]
[Link]

3. Toomey R. B., Syvertsen A. K., & Shramko M (2018).

Transgender Adolescent Suicide Behavior. Pediatrics,
142(4):e20174218

4. Haas, A. P., Rodgers, P. L., & Herman, J. L. (2014).

Suicide attempts among transgender and gender non-
conforming adults: Findings of the national
transgender discrimination study. American
Foundation for Suicide Prevention, The Williams
Institute. 10.13140/RG.2.1.4639.4641

5. Human Rights Foundation. Dismantling a culture of

violence: Understanding anti-transgender violence
and ending the crisis, Updated 2021. Human Rights
Campaign. [Link]
culture-of-violence

6. National Center for Transgender Equality. 2015 US

Transgender Survey. [Link]
default/files/docs/usts/[Link]

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7. Freedom for All Americans. Legislative Tracker: Anti-
Transgender Legislation. https://
[Link]/legislative-tracker/anti-
transgender-legislation/. Accessed on April 24, 2022.

8. Niolon, R. The stages of coming out. Gay/Lesbian

Resources. [Link]
library/gay/[Link]

9. Ryan, C. (2009). Supportive families, healthy children:

Helping families with lesbian, gay, bisexual &
transgender children. San Francisco, CA: Marian
Wright Edelman Institute, San Francisco State
University.

10. Ginsburg, K.R. & Jablow, M.M. (2005). Building

resilience in children and teens, 2nd Ed.: Giving kids
roots and wings. American Academy of Pediatrics: Elk
Grove Village, IL.
11.
12. Hall, E. D., (March 27, 2017). Why family hurt Is so
painful: Four reasons why family hurt can be more
painful than hurt from others. Psychology Today.
[Link]
communication/201703/why-family-hurt-is-so-painful

13. Pickhardt, C. (September 29, 2014). Parenting and the

use of physical force: Better to talk out than physically
act out to try to get the parental way. Psychology
Today. [Link]
surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201409/parenting-
and-the-use-physical-force

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 14. Being the Parent. Insulting children – The worst
parenting technique. [Link]
insulting-children-the-worst-parenting-technique/

15. Williams, K. D., Nida, S. A. (2011). Ostracism:

Consequences and coping. Current Directions in
Psychological Science, (20), 71-75.

16. Ontario Human Rights Commission. (April 14, 2014).

Policy on preventing discrimination because of gender
identity and gender expression. https://
[Link]/en/policy-preventing-discrimination-
because-gender-identity-and-gender-expression

17. Digitale, E. (March 8, 2021). 5 Questions: Tandy Aye on

what transgender teens need from their parents.
Stanford Medicine News Center https://
[Link]/news/all-news/2021/03/how-
[Link]

Additional resources:

• “15 Reasons to Tell Your Child ‘I Love You’” by Joshua

Becker. Becoming Minimalist.([Link])
• “How Parents Can Support Their Transgender Teens”
by Erin Digitale. Greater Good Magazine. March 25,
2021.
• A list of more “Behaviors That Help” is located in Dr.
Caitlin Ryan’s booklet, Supportive families, healthy
children: Helping families with lesbian, gay, bisexual &
transgender children

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 Parenting Transgender
Children

Chapter 2 - Finding Your Balance

• The Journey for Parents

• Managing Emotions

• Tips for Supporting Your

Child

• A Parents Story: Advice to

Parents and Friends of

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As a transgender child “comes in” to their new identity,
parents often find themselves sorting through complex
emotions. They may not know what to expect or how to deal
with their feelings. Or, after they have adjusted, they may find
their balance is upset again and again.

These are common experiences and knowing what to expect

and how to keep helping your child can be a relief. Hopefully,
this chapter can help you find you balance.

Few organizations focus on the struggle parents face in

navigating these changes in the family, but ours does. We
hope you’ll visit [Link] often.

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The Journey for
Parents

“The greatest freedom for me came when I realized

that (her) being transgender was not a defect but a gift
in my life…I have grown closer to my daughter and
seen her becoming happier every year. This journey has
made me a better father and a better person.”
~ Oregon father of a transgender daughter

It can be a shock to learn a child is transgender, and there are

definite stages that most parents experience. The stages
below do not always happen in order—or just once—and
some may not occur at all. Some stages pass quickly, others
slowly. But the following stages can represent the struggle to
accept an enormous change in your family.
Many life events can trigger feelings you thought you had
worked through already. For instance, if your child begins to
date, moves away to college, or encounters bullying or a
hurtful comment, you may feel as if you have gone
backwards to one of the earlier stages. This is common. Allow
yourself to work through those feelings and regain your
balance.

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Stage 1 – Denial

Initial denial or disbelief is common. Although many of us

might wonder if our child is transgender even before they tell
us, usually we suppress and deny this possibility out of fear of
what the truth might mean to our family, or our child’s future.

Even after a transgender child comes out, parents may hope

that this is a phase, a rebellion, or an experiment. However,
when a child takes the major step of telling a parent they
have a different gender identity, it is important to take them at
their word.

This can be difficult, because it means truly facing what being

transgender could mean for the child and for you. Most
people don’t focus on understanding what being transgender
means until it touches them personally. You may find yourself
in new and uncharted territory.

Stage 2 – Grief

Grief is sadness about a loss. We may grieve the loss of the

child we “knew” and the future we imagined. We mourn the
disappearance of the life we envisioned for them. It takes
time to grieve the death of the dreams for our child that
center around gender-specific life events. For example, a
father may experience sadness related to his expectation that
he would walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding.

As with many changes, over time new dreams are built and new
hopes arise. Some hopes may remain but broaden, such as
changing the hope for a good wife/husband to hope for a good
partner/spouse. But the fundamental hopes and dreams can
endure, such as love and happiness, career success, or starting
a family.

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Stage 3 – Blame/Guilt

Many parents feel the need to determine a reason why, which

may lead to guilt or blame. We blame ourselves, wondering if
we did something “wrong.” We blame our children for
“changing” and for forcing us to readjust our vision. We might
even blame their friends, partners, or other transgender
people, incorrectly believing that our child was drawn to this
identity through the influence of others.

Research shows being gay or transgender is not the result of

any specific choice, behavior, or event. A shift from the sex
assigned at birth is not an illness, disease, or choice. Gender
identity is a variant of human sexuality and development that
arises as the result of complex interactions of biological,
genetic, and hormonal factors. In addition, there is a growing
understanding, especially among younger people, that
gender is more like one point along a spectrum. That male
and female are just two of many possible ways gender can be
expressed and lived.

Stage 4 – Fear

We fear what we do not understand and for most parents

there are many unknowns when it comes to what it means to
be transgender. We fear reactions from others and telling
what may feel like a difficult truth. We fear being judged and
losing our friends, family, and faith community. We fear the
hatred, violence, and discrimination our transgender child
may encounter and endure. All of these are realistic
possibilities for both parent and child, which makes it even
more important to support each other and navigate the
changes together.

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Sometimes, fear may be justified. If you sense a friend or
family member will be hostile, you can choose to protect your
child by remaining silent about their transgender identity. This
is not necessarily a bad thing so long as it feels supportive to
your child.

Your child should determine who knows and when to tell, for
they will bear the result. A transgender child may feel safest
with just friends and family knowing. Or they may pursue
appearance changes that make a more public statement.
Whatever their level of expression, it’s important to let them
set the pace and take the lead. Follow their cues. Ask if you
are in doubt. For example,
“Would you mind if I tell Aunt Kay you are transgender?”

If your child is open, it is important to keep pace and show

support. When a family is not open about their child’s identity
it is sometimes referred to as being in the “Second Closet.”
This can be a good thing if the child needs privacy, but it can
be a very bad thing if the child views it as the silence of
shame.

Stage 5 – Anger

We may feel angry at…

• Society or governments for allowing or promoting
discrimination.
• Ourselves for not recognizing the truth sooner.
• Our child for causing upheaval in our family.
• Other family members when feelings intensify either for
or against the transgender child.
• God for “allowing” our precious loved ones to be
transgender, because their lives may be more difficult.
• “Why me?” and “Why my child?” are common feelings.

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 • Our religious community for rejecting or condemning
transgender people and their families.

It’s important to deal with your own anger and not direct it
toward your child. Don’t expect your child to explain
everything to you. Information can help combat anger, and
educating yourself is a good first step, but this is your work to
do. There are several books in our resources list that may be
helpful to understand your experience. Talking with trusted
family or friends or seeking counseling are also good options
to help deal with anger.

It may help to recall that your child has honored you by trying
to be truthful and honest. Deciding not to hide anymore and a
longing to live more honestly and authentically are strong
motivations for many transgender individuals. Try to honor
them by managing your emotions as you grow your
understanding.

Stage 6 – Self-Realization

With this stage comes the realization that it is we, not our
child, who must change. How?
• Redraw our family picture to include this new reality
• Support our child and the family they have or will create
• Surround ourselves with other loving parents and
friends
• Find a nurturing faith community
• Learn all we can and help others learn as well
Family members may not come to this understanding at the
same pace, but as each person accepts and supports the
transgender child, the child will gain an increased sense of
safety and community.

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Stage 7 – Acceptance

Quite simply, this means loving your transgender child, not in

spite of who they are, but just as they are.

Your acceptance of your transgender child creates a safe

space where they can build a good life and become their
best self. They still need things parents can so powerfully
provide, such as love, encouragement, understanding, and a
hopeful view of the future. In addition, many parents find
their child is happier, more resilient, and more open and
connected with them as family acceptance grows.

You may become a resource for other families by helping

them find support. It is also often helpful to read stories from
parents and families who have shared your experience. You
can read stories from other parents on our “Family Stories”
page on [Link]. When you are ready,
consider sharing your story as well.

At the end of this guide, we include a reprinted article about

raising a transgender son to provide the view from a parent
further along in this journey.

Managing Emotions
Different Roles: Parent and Child

There are two parts to re-balancing family relationships with

this powerful change in the family picture:

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 • The Parent’s Role—finding your own path, keeping your
balance, and helping all the children involved, which
may include siblings.
• The Child’s Role—learning how to live positively with
the challenges of their newly shared identity.

However off-balance you may feel when your child comes

out, it’s important to avoid laying your fears and worries on
your child. Healthy parenting suggestions include:

Avoid “Venting” to Your Child

It’s essential that your child not become a lightning rod for the
many emotions you may feel. Concerns about the future can
be heightened now, and it’s important not to use your child as
a place to work through your emotions. This section has
valuable insights into the parent experience and suggestions
below offer alternative ways to handle your feelings.

Find Personal Support

• Join a support group such as [Link] or

[Link]. Local chapters virtual meetings can provide
support for families and individuals. Many parents and
families have been in your situation, and their
experiences and insight can be a tremendous resource.
• Confide in someone you trust, such as a close friend or
a supportive sibling, about what you’re going through.
Make sure this person is a positive and encouraging
resource.
• Consider counseling. Sometimes the best resource is at
arm’s length. A therapist is outside the situation and can
provide perspective. Contact your state or local mental
health agency for help finding a counselor if you don’t

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 • know where to start or check out online resources such
as [Link], [Link], or the
Therapist Finder at [Link]. Be sure to
ask about their experience with transgender issues.
• Write in a journal. Writing helps you express your
feelings, organize your thoughts, and will become a
record of your progress over time.
• Practice self-care. Exercise and good health habits are
important for your whole family. Be a role model.

Get Informed

Learn all you can about your child’s new identity and the
challenges they may face. Don’t expect your child to educate
you. They may still be learning themselves. Focus on positive
resources and up-to-date information. Our Resources page at
[Link] has pointers. The time you
spend learning has many benefits:

• Knowledge reduces fear and worry.

• Information helps you navigate situations and make
decisions with more confidence and compassion.

Listen, Listen, Listen

You need to know what your child is facing. If they can come
to you first, they are safer. It may be difficult initially but
keeping communication open—primarily through listening—
strengthens your understanding and relationship.

Practice WAIT — Why Am I Talking.

Consider using questions or phrases that encourage them to

talk:

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 • Tell me more about that.
• How did that make you feel?
• What was that like?
• Can you tell me more?
• Summarize what they said to show you are listening. “I
hear you saying…”

Help the Family Keep its Balance

• Maintain the ordinary. Keep routines going for school,

teams, or extracurricular activities.
• Find opportunities for family participation. Activities you
can do with all or part of the family help maintain
relationships and normalcy. This can be as simple as
movies, athletic events, outings, or service projects.

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Support Siblings

• Sibling reactions vary greatly. If they need support or

education, help them find it.
• If your child is ready for siblings to know, don’t forget to
talk with your other children about this change and how
they feel about it or how it affects them.
• Brothers or sisters are sometimes the first to know, but
not always. If it’s news to them, they may have many of
the emotions you experience and will need to work
through those.
• Siblings may be embarrassed, or fear others will think
they are LGBTQ+ because their brother or sister is
transgender.
• It’s important they understand the risks their sibling
faces and why family support is essential.
• Share [Link] with them if it’s age
appropriate—it’s a good starting point if they are
struggling.

Help Your Child Connect

Help your child find positive connections with other

transgender and LGBTQ+ youth. Isolation leads to feelings of
depression and shame. Possible resources include:

• School Clubs—many schools have GSA clubs (Gay Straight

Alliance/Genders and Sexualities Alliance) that work with a
sponsoring teacher and parents to plan events, service
projects, and support meetings. If your school doesn’t have
a chapter, talk with a counselor about starting one.
• Online resources from groups such as [Link] (Parents
and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), [Link] (focused on
LGBTQ+ issues in K-12) and many others.

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 • Look for local drop-in or meetup programs. Some
communities have church or organization-sponsored
after school or social hour resources.
• Find a support group. Organizations such as [Link] and
[Link] hold meetings for both parents and
youth.

Work on the Environment in Your Family and Home

• Learn more about prejudice and discrimination based

on such differences as race, sexual orientation, gender
identity/expression, and religion.
• Monitor your own beliefs about LGBTQ+ people and
how they influence your child.
• Be a positive role model for your child on respectful
treatment of transgender and LGBTQ+ individuals in
your community: teachers, coaches/athletes, neighbors,
co-workers and public figures.
• Assume that LGBTQ+ people are in a group even if they
have not identified themselves. This can include parties,
meetings, teams, classrooms, or any gathering.
• Stand up for all LGBTQ+ people—If you hear a painful
joke or derogatory comment, push back. If your child
hears you, it’s a powerful affirmation. If not, tell them
about it anyway. It can mean a lot to know you stand up
for them. Examples of verbal pushback include:

• I don’t think that’s funny.

• That comment could hurt someone.
• I disagree.
• That’s a hateful thing to say.
• My child is LGBTQ+.

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Tips for Supporting
Your Child

“As we began to share her truth, with her blessing, we

learned what the important people in our lives think—
and the majority of them reacted in love to the news.
We discovered that we no longer cared so much about
what the non-supportive people think.”
~ Mother of a transgender daughter

Be open. Be supportive. Be informed.

Appreciate when a young person comes out to you.

Coming out is scary. Your transgender child has probably

tested you with a series of trials over time—listening to your
comments, watching how you respond to topics, jokes, or
slurs. Based on your previous responses, they decided you
can be trusted. There may still be fear of rejection, ridicule,
and abuse, but they are hoping the parent they love and
depend on can be counted on again. When someone comes
out to you, your primary task is to respect their courage and
honesty, thank them for trusting you, and continue caring for them.

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Respect confidentiality.

When someone shares their gender identity or sexual

orientation with you, you have received a confidence which
must be respected. Breaching this trust can be emotionally
and physically damaging. Be guided by the wishes of the
person who confided in you. Coming out it is a gradual
process and the timing of who knows and when should be
controlled by the person coming out.

Examine your own biases.

Male and female roles are strongly defined in our culture: boy
or girl, pink or blue, transformers or dolls, players or
cheerleaders, and many other messages constantly define
male/female roles. Despite modern trends, most of us are
products of a gender rigid society.

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You can’t be free of that just by deciding to be—it takes an
intentional effort to break free of assumptions. Try to inform
yourself—read, seek reliable, factual resources, and talk with
your loved one about their experience and point of view. It’s a
gift you give yourself and your [Link] where to seek
help.

Familiarize yourself with the supportive referral agencies and

counselors in your denomination and area. LGBTQ+ helplines
and support groups can connect you with experienced
people and organizations. There are many websites and
online resources listed in our resources section at
[Link]

Maintain a balanced perspective.

Sexuality and gender identity make up a small but truly

important part of every person’s identity. Your transgender
child is still the same person you have known and loved for
years. That person is still there and cares enough about you
to be deeply honest about themselves.

They have trusted you with the most personal and risky
information they can share, and they are hoping you will still
love them. It’s urgently important to do so. However big this
difference may seem to you, the larger person, the child you
love, is still there. Don’t let a smaller part overshadow the
whole.

Understand the meaning of sexual orientation and gender

identity.

Sexual orientation and gender identity are not the same

thing.

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Sexual orientation is about attraction to another person. This
describes romantic, emotional, or sexual feelings toward
others. People do not choose who they are attracted to, they
simply are.

Gender identity is about self-perception. This is a person’s

inner sense of being male, female, somewhere in between, or
neither. This is an awareness of who they are, rather than
who they are attracted to, and is a separate issue with unique
complexities.

Be supportive.

Help connect the young person to transgender resources,

support groups, and alliances. Many lesbian, gay, bisexual,
and transgender youth feel alone, afraid, and ashamed
because of religious, societal, and familial pressures. You can
assist by listening with care to their feelings and concerns,
offering a supportive and nonjudgmental presence, and
remembering they are valuable to the world.

Anticipate some confusion.

LGBTQ+ youth receive so many messages that their

orientation or gender identity is strange or sinful, they may be
confused or even attempt to deny who they are. While many
youths are aware of their sexual orientation and gender
identity even before early adolescence, this awareness can
take years to fully integrate. Often, they are in the middle of
adolescence when their self-image is rapidly changing.

You can help by:

• Affirming to them that their feelings are normal and

natural.

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 • Allowing them to wonder about themselves and try on
different ideas. This is typical of the teen years when
most people struggle with questions of who we are and
how we fit in the world. This is no different for
transgender youth. Listening to their thoughts builds
communication and can provide insight. Parents often
find themselves jumping to “will my child want surgery?”
when often gender identity changes begin (and
sometimes end) with changing pronouns and name.
• Remembering that no one can be talked into or out of
the gender they identify with, even if it is not the one
assigned at birth.

“I did a lot of grieving over the loss of the image I

had of my only son in my mind and heart. I had to
deal with the loss of my previous perception of our
relationship and the loss of my expectations of the
future...Eventually I found friends, relatives and
colleagues I felt safe to talk with about this change in
our lives. I also chose to get some therapy to help
myself process my feelings and to be the best parent I
could be to our daughter.”
~ Mother of a transgender daughter

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Help, but do not force.

If you are comfortable with your gender, you may not fully
understand what it means to be different in ways transgender
individuals experience. We often urge young people into
behavior, clothing or experiences that are familiar to us or that
served us well in the past. We also urge them toward things
we would do or use because those are comfortable to us and
well known.

The best clues for how to help will come from your loved one.
Don’t force them into your frame of reference to make it
easier for you to understand. Remember, teen years are often
a time for experiments in appearance, activities, and interests.
Be open and patient.

Challenge anti-trans remarks.

Speak up whenever you hear anti-trans or anti-LGBTQ+ jokes

or disparaging language and try to remember to function as if
there is a transgender youth in your midst (even if you don’t
think there is). Your words and example will send the
message that offensive remarks will not be tolerated, and that
you are affirming of LGBTQ+ people and their families. You
will also signal to LGBTQ+ youth that you are a safe person
with whom to talk. Don’t perpetuate injustice and ignorance
by remaining silent. Defend others’ dignity.

Source: Parents Reconciling Network. (2014) Tips for relating to lesbian, gay, bisexual,
transgender, questioning, queer & intersex youth. Reconciling Ministries Network. https://
[Link]/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/[Link] (Revised by
permission.)

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22 of 28
A Parent’s Story:
Advice to Parents and
Friends of Transgender
Individuals
Our son is transgender. We welcomed him into the world
twenty-six years ago as a daughter, but he is our son. What
does that mean? Three years ago, he had surgery to give
himself a more masculine body. Two years ago, he began
hormone treatment, which led to male puberty. He changed
his name to Jeremy and asked that we use male pronouns.
We are proud of him and love him.

But we have a long way to go. It is still exceedingly difficult to

be transgender in America today. As the parent of a
transgender man, I am sometimes asked for advice. I offer the
following as a way to help others who have someone trans in
their lives.

1. Know that your transgender friend or family member is

an individual, not just a representative of the
transgender community. He or she or they is the same
person as before transitioning. Whatever you talked about
before will still be of interest afterwards. They may or may
not be politically active in the LGBTQ+ community. They may
be open about being transgender, or they may want to simply

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live their life as the gender that matches their identity. Take
your lead from your friend or loved one.

2. Listen with an open mind and heart. You won’t know how
to best support your child or friend or sibling or parent if you
don’t listen and do so in a nonjudgmental manner. Someone
transitioning is on a journey that requires tremendous
courage. Respect that and believe that your friend or loved
one is trying their best to guide you as to what they need
from you. Know that this will get easier over time.

3. Use whatever name and pronoun is requested. A

transgender individual will have spent a lot of time and
emotional energy deciding on a new name and pronouns.
Don’t worry if the pronouns aren’t familiar to you or if they
don’t sound grammatically correct. Don’t worry if you make
mistakes; my son only gets annoyed if he feels as if someone
isn’t trying.
4. Recognize that everyone’s journey is different. Many
articles have been written about children who have known
from the time they were toddlers that they were a different
gender from how they were identified at birth. Some people
don’t figure things out until much later, and their journeys
don’t follow a straight line. There is no one right way to be
transgender.

5. Educate yourself. Watch videos. Read books. Explore

articles on the Internet. More resources appear every day,
and they can be a tremendous help. Ask your transgender
friend or family member what websites they found to be most
helpful and then visit those yourself. Likely you will find
stories similar to your own.
6. Accept your own feelings. It is okay to feel a sense of loss.
You may be angry. Or overwhelmed. You may ask, “Why is

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this happening?” Everyone reacts differently and on their own
schedule. Keep in mind that recognizing your own feelings
will help you better support your transgender loved one. But
also keep in mind that a child may be hurt by hearing you
work through those feelings. Remember to always show your
child support.

7. Become a part of an LGBTQ/ally community. You are not

alone. There are some wonderful groups of people who have
been fighting for LGBTQ+ rights for a long time and are
extraordinarily welcoming of friends and family of
transgender individuals. Go online and look for organizations
in your area. Not only will you find they help you through
what could be a difficult journey, you will also find that you
make some new friends.

8. Express support—strongly and frequently. Transgender

children are among the most bullied in our schools. Trans
teenagers often suffer from depression and anxiety. Over 40
percent have tried to die by suicide. Transgender adults are
all too often the targets of hatred and violence. This is a
difficult path. Nobody follows it lightly; they do so because it
is who they are.

Expressing your love and support can go a long way toward

making things easier. And, if your trans friend or loved one
has gone public, speak up openly to show your acceptance.
Every time we share our stories about the transgender
people we care about, we build awareness. Hopefully, with
that awareness will come greater acceptance.

9. Be joyful. The journey, although hard in some ways, will also

be filled with joy. I will not pretend that there aren’t difficult
moments. But the joyous times are many. The realization that

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I’d had a son all along. The pride when I recognized the
courage my son demonstrates every single day. The love that I
feel for him. The incredible happiness that my son’s transition
has brought to him.

When he looked over this article for me, his response was,
“I’m glad that you ended with ‘Be joyful.’ Transitioning is the
most affirming thing a person can do. While scary, allowing
yourself to be one hundred percent yourself is joyful indeed.”

Jo Ivester is the author of the award-winning memoir,

"The Outskirts of Hope." Initially published with
Huffington Post, her article is reprinted here as
modified in her book, Once a Girl, Always a Boy,
published by She Writes Press.

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Parenting Transgender
Children

Chapter 3—Challenges Ahead

• Understanding Transitioning

• Telling Others

• Relationships and Dating

• Myths That Stigmatize

Transgender People

• Meeting Your Child’s

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“Our daughter especially has opened my eyes to a lot
of thinking about life in different terms and different
ways and I think that’s really positive, being able to
learn from her. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m
just thrilled. I feel like it’s a privilege and a pleasure
that I would never have anticipated when we had our
children.”
~ Anonymous, mother of a lesbian daughter

Millions of parents have come to terms with this change in

their family and many develop deeper, closer relationships
with their children. Like many highly emotional transitions, a
positive outcome is often determined by your attitude and
actions. Start here to learn about some common challenges
and how you can navigate this change in your family.

According to a 2013 Pew Research Center survey1 of LGBTQ+

adults 18+, about 54% of “all or most of the important people
in their life” know they are LGBT. Not all youth come out to
their families. Consider that your transgender child coming
out to you shows:

• a desire to be honest and open with you

• trust in you as a parent and safe confidante
• a wish to have a closer relationship
• a strong need to live in their chosen gender identity

You and your child may be out of step on this journey.

Transgender youth have probably been considering their

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identity for years. You may be on a steep learning curve. We
hope this section can provide some fundamental background
and strategies to help keep your relationship with your
transgender child strong.

Understanding
transitioning
Transitioning is the process a person undertakes to bring
their gender expression and/or their body into alignment with
their gender identity. Transitioning is a complex process that
occurs over a long period of time, and the steps involved in
transition will vary from person to person.

One of the most common misunderstandings about

transgender individuals is that they are all the same. How
they transition, the degree to which they transition, the timing
and pace, and how they express their identity all vary
tremendously. This article is not a list of all the options, but it
can be helpful to understand transitioning as rough
categories rather than one event or path.

“Coming In” or the personal transition

Most human cultures are heavily gendered. There are strong

patterns and expectations of boys/girls and women/men.
Transgender individuals live in this environment and know
very well what patterns may be expected of them based on
their birth gender.

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The personal transition is a process that begins when
individuals experience dissonance between the patterns
surrounding them, how others view and react to them, and
how they feel about themselves. This can occur at any time,
from early childhood to puberty to adulthood.

Playing with trucks or dolls in early childhood is not an

indicator. Most children experiment at young ages with a
variety of toys or mimicking adults or characters on TV or in
movies. What is more important is the duration and constancy
of the role the person chooses.

For parents trying to understand their child, it’s helpful to

know how to evaluate the child’s view. A key is time, and that
the person is:

• Persistent – maintaining their identity over time

• Insistent – pushing back against efforts to change their
view and adamant about their identity
• Consistent – the person is constant in their description
or claiming of their identity

For adolescents this personal transition can take many forms.

Sometimes it occurs around puberty but not always. It’s a
time of reflecting on how they see themselves compared to
how they are perceived in the world around them.

When they become firm in their self-image and want to portray

that in their daily life they may share with a friend or trusted family
member that they are transgender. Peers or online acquaintances
may know before family members. How and when transgender
youth talk with family can vary from email or text to letters to
voicemails to one-on-one conversations and more.

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Social transition

Social transitioning refers to when the transgender person

begins living their identity around others. Telling family,
friends and co-workers is often a start. Individuals may begin
using a different name, one they chose for themselves that is
meaningful to them. Pronouns may change and they ask for
others to use the chosen pronouns. They may begin to dress
differently, groom differently, add/stop/change their jewelry,
makeup, and hairstyles.

Social transitions can look very different depending on the

person. Just as there are many ways we see gender
expressed every day, there is considerable variety in the
ways people come into transgender identities. Some may
make efforts to align in dress, behavior and actions to
express the gender with which they identify. This may be a
gradual process, or it may move quickly.

Some individuals may choose a mash-up of styles for their

gender expression or make few visible changes, and it may
differ over time. The latter approach is common among
nonbinary individuals—someone whose gender identity can’t
be described as exclusively woman or man. (Note: some
nonbinary individuals do not consider themselves
transgender, just nonbinary.)

There are many variations of how transgender individuals

claim their identity, but the social transition focuses on how
they present themselves in the world. Some transgender
individuals live in this stage. Others transition in other areas
as well.

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Legal transition

Legal transitioning involves changing official identification of

all types to align with their gender identity. Examples are
changing a name and/or sex marker on documents like a
driver’s license, passport, Social Security record, bank
accounts, etc. It can extend to birth certificates, medical
records, medical insurance, or any record that typically
records gender.

Changing a name on legal documents is not uncommon but

changing sex markers can be complicated and varies from
state to state. There are resources to help. [Link]
offers self-help guides and information that can be searched
by state/territory or Federal ID type.

Interestingly, as public acceptance and understanding grow, it

is increasingly common to see medical portals or other online
registrations offer a gender option of “other.”

Medical transition

There has traditionally been a misperception that most or all

transgender people desire or obtain a medical transition,
which can include hormone treatment, surgery, or other
actions aimed at changing the body. In fact, not all
transgender people want to pursue medical transition and
again, there are varying degrees. Even hormone therapy
takes many forms.

Puberty blockers can be used to delay the onset of

secondary sex characteristics and/or physical changes that
occur during puberty, such as breast development or the
enlarging of an Adam’s apple. This offers an adolescent more

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time to learn who they are before changes occur that are
harder to reverse than to delay. Once puberty blockers are
stopped, puberty resumes.

Hormone therapy (HT), such as supplying estrogen,

testosterone, etc., is used to alter a person’s hormone levels
to match their gender identity. Changes that result from
hormone therapy are not as reversible, and often are not
provided until an individual is older. [Link] has
overviews of feminizing hormone therapy and masculinizing
hormone therapy for more information.

Various kinds of surgery are possible as well, though surgical

procedures may be less commonly used due to costs and
availability. Top surgery (to reduce or enlarge breasts), voice
surgery, and genital surgery are all options transgender
people pursue depending on how important these issues are
to them.

Summary

There is tremendous misunderstanding (and often

misinformation) about what transition means. Assumptions
and beliefs are often influenced by political rhetoric and legal
concerns. It is important to be well-informed, because the
type and degree of transition your child pursues can vary
enormously.

This is a long and gradual process that may transpire over

years. Let your child make their wishes known and options
can be chosen in consultation with your child, your family, and
your physicians and counselors.

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Understanding
transitioning

“What’s been most difficult is the reaction of my family

members. No one on my side of the family knows
because our son has chosen not to tell them. He told
my husband’s family, but they’re not supportive.”
~ Anonymous, mother of a lesbian daughter

Prioritize your child’s needs and preferences on who and

when to tell.

This story is your child’s story; your child gets to decide who
to tell and when to tell. They may be eager to be open, or
they may be uncomfortable being discussed among family
and friends. Let them take the lead or ask their permission.
The “big reveal” may not be necessary.

Always share in the way most helpful to your child. People

may figure it out on their own and a gradual realization may
be best for them. Months or years can go by without a clear
statement about your child’s identity while in the meantime,
normal relationships are preserved.

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Many people are unaware of the social stigma they express
toward LGBTQ+ and transgender youth. When this becomes
personal, through realizing that someone they care about is
LGBTQ+, they can often find their own path to acceptance
over time. Gender expressions like bright hair color, nail
polish, or `opposite gender dressing may simply be
overlooked in someone they love.
If they want to be open at school, home, work, or in the family,
support them all you can.

Watching your transgender loved one begin to live out their

identity publicly may leave you feeling anxious. You may fear
for their safety or worry about the discrimination or bullying
that can occur. These realities are part of why acceptance
and support at home are so important. Transgender people
need a safe place—where they can talk and be heard, where
they can express concerns and find encouragement, where
they can be safe and find support. This is their journey, but
supportive parents are a huge and valuable defense against
hardships they may face. Moreover, the confidence and
coping skills you help them build will serve them throughout
their life.

They may ask you to tell someone. Help if you can.

If your child asks you to tell someone, be as helpful as you

can. They may want someone to know (another parent, for
example) but feel nervous about telling that person. Ask so
you understand what they want you to share. If they ask, you
can offer guidance to your child regarding the range of
responses you anticipate.

You can accompany your child as they initiate the

conversation, or you can take the lead if that is what the child

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wants. Be sure you understand the role they want you to play
and what they want to share (or keep private).

They may ask you not to tell others. Respect their wishes.

The child is the one who may be the object of scrutiny,

subject to questions, or a topic of family gossip. If they need
privacy, let them set the pace. Coming out is their process, so
the decision to tell others is theirs, not yours. This can be
difficult if it means keeping a “secret” from close friends or
other family members. However, the loving choice is to
respect your child’s needs and desires.

Trust your instincts—and your child’s.

If you sense an acquaintance or family member may be

hostile or hurtful, be mindful of this. Relatives, friends and
neighbors, school chums and others all have a relationship
with your child already. Again, let your child’s preference
lead. Try not to push them or hold them back. Be open to
their reservations about certain people but honor your child’s
judgment.

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Relationships and
Dating

“I was so confused and afraid when she started dating

in high school. I was terrified she’d have a bad
relationship or get used or settle for someone just
because they were gay. Thank heavens we had older
kids, so we tried to use the same rules, but it was still
hard. It was years before I realized all those things
happen to every kid: bad relationships, breakups,
manipulative friends. I just tried to be there for her,
whatever happened. But some of it was bad.”
~ Anonymous Mother from Texas

A challenging area for many parents is navigating their child’s

dating and romantic relationships. Every family has values
and rules, and it’s important to realize these do not
necessarily change for a transgender child. Parents
sometimes think they should handle things differently for an
LGBTQ+ child, but that is seldom true. Two ideas to keep in
mind:
• How would you normally handle friendships, dating,
or activities?

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 • How have you handled them with other children in your
home?

Play by the usual family rules.

As much as possible, take the transgender aspect out of the

decisions you make. It can be helpful to ask yourself
questions like, “Am I treating my child differently because
they are transgender?” Or, “How did I (will I) handle this with
my other children?” This can help ground you in the usual
way your family addresses dating. This means curfews,
acceptable places to go, permissions required, and
responsibility can be consistent for everyone.

For non-romantic relationships, handle those similarly as well.

Your child may have come out to some friends and not
others. That is their choice. Allow normal school and social
activities, friendships, and teams. If your child has a special
interest like music, sports, academics, or animals, help them
pursue it. These can help keep balance and perspective in
your child’s life.

Let the transgender individual set the boundaries.

Due to social or activity restrictions, some transgender youth

may not come out to their group or school. They may want to
avoid conflicts about sleepovers, club activity, sports teams,
campouts/retreats, etc. They prefer to keep their identity
private, often until a relationship or some situation arises
where they feel it’s important to be open. Let them set the
pace. Be ready to back them when they want to be more
open. By the same token, support them in coming out to
people, joining activities that appeal to them, and expressing
themselves as they choose, even if it feels scary to you.

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Don’t assume every relationship is romantic or sexual.

Like everyone else, transgender youth have friends that

range from mere acquaintances to friendships to crushes. Be
sure to leave room for a wide mix of relationships for your
child, and don’t assume every friendship is romantic. Avoid
assumptions and just ask your child about friendships as you
usually would. This is part of keeping communication open
and helps keep their romantic interests from being an
unspoken secret in the family.

Be prepared for heartache.

A common fear for parents is the loneliness their child may

face in the struggle to find a romantic relationship or loving
partner. While this may be a risk, their process is the same as
any young person.

Finding a good partner or relationship is a challenge for

everyone. Your child will be attracted to others who may or
may not feel the same. They may face rejection, breakups, or
heartache. There will be dates of whom you approve and
others you dread. You may feel regret when a relationship
ends for your child because you liked that person, or relief
because you didn’t care for them at all.

These are all normal events in young lives and are no

different for transgender lives. As a parent, you can be an
advisor, an advocate, a comfort in loss, and an encourager in
need — but you can’t keep these normal events from
occurring. Let them find their path. Your best role is to be a
safe, supportive resource as they work their way through life.

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Help them find their community of people.

If possible, help your child find safe groups where they can
meet or connect with other LGBTQ+ youth. Isolation leads to
loneliness and despair. See our Transgender Resources list at
[Link] for possibilities and support
your child in joining or participating in accepting groups. Find
a trusted LGBTQ+ or transgender adult that your family can
get to know as a positive role model.

Remember this is a community issue, not just a personal one.

Such connections should not all be LGBTQ+ focused. For
instance, the same is true of sport teams, schools, clubs, or
community activities. Finding connections where your child is
accepted can also provide a supportive adult community for
you. If you are active in a church that is not accepting of
LGBTQ+ people, it’s important to consider finding a faith
community that is and involving your family there.

Welcome your child’s friends.

It can be very comforting to know and meet your child’s

friends. Providing a place for popcorn and movies or get-
together activities is a great way to do so. You could host a
club meeting, organize a team barbecue, or serve as a school
supporter for any club or activity your child enjoys. Even
something as simple as providing refreshments at a school
event gives you a chance to put names to faces and get to
know friends better.

An unexpected thing can sometimes occur: you become a

trusted adult. If your child’s friend is transgender or LGBTQ+
but not out to their own family, you may find they feel
attached to you. An accepting adult may be new and hopeful

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to them. Be accepting but let them find their own path with
their family. Do not out them, or your child, to their family if
they have not chosen to do so. If a child has not come out to
their family, it may not be safe for them, and coming out must
always be the individual’s choice.

The importance of names and pronouns

One of the biggest struggles for friends and families is

changing the name, and particularly the pronouns, of
someone they have known so long.

Names symbolize who we are.

Names are important in our culture. Parents often name

babies long before birth. Names may symbolize a dream,
carry on a tradition, honor someone in the family, or show
originality and alignment with a culture. For parents, changing
a child’s name can seem like a dismissal of all the thought
and hope in the birth name. Add to that, there are years and
years of habit of using a child’s name.

Yet it is precisely because names are so significant that some

(though not all) transgender youth change their names and
ask you to use them. It may be that the chosen name
symbolizes their hope of change or their view of themselves.
It may be that the birth name is so associated with who they
were, not who they are, that it simply doesn’t fit. It may be that
the birth name is painful to them, or that changing their name
helps them step into their true identity. It could just be a name
they love or dozens of other reasons. Whatever the reason, it
is important to your child.

Some parents find it helpful to think of it as a nickname until

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they can get used to it. As a transition strategy that might
help, but it’s important to make serious and continual efforts
to use their chosen name. We have all felt the tiny infraction
of someone calling us by the wrong name. Socially, we
usually quickly correct with a brief apology. Transgender
individuals may encounter that daily, over and over, with no
correction. Handle using the wrong name as you would with
anyone else: a brief apology and use of the correct name.

One important thing to know is they may call the old name
their “dead name”. For transgender individuals who live in
their identity, the use of their former name feels disrespectful,
a denial of who they are, and for many, an attack. It’s called
“dead-naming”, and is sometimes used as a form of bullying,
insult, or outing an individual. Make every effort to use your
child’s chosen name, encourage your family to do so, and
explain to them the pain dead-naming can create.

Pronouns symbolize how others see us.

Pronouns are gendered in English and many—but not all—

languages. He, she, his, and hers all indicate gender.
Especially when years of habit are involved, pronouns can be
even harder to change than the birth name as they slip into a
sentence unthinkingly. Do all you can to honor their request.
Every effort you make to use the correct name or pronoun –
even if you say it wrong and then correct yourself—shows
support to your child.

Parents feel they are struggling to use names/pronouns;

the child sees it as being supportive.

Your efforts make such an impact. Research in 2021 reinforces

the positive impact your efforts can have. One important finding

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was that adolescents always rated their parents to be more
supportive than the parents rated themselves.

While it can be a struggle to remember to use your child’s

new name or pronouns, understanding the importance of this
action can help you as you learn.

• Their chosen name means a great deal to your child.

• Your effort to use their chosen name and pronouns is
positive, even when mistakes occur.
• It gets easier with time.

Understanding they/them—plural pronouns rather than he/

she, him/her, etc.

Some transgender or nonbinary individuals dislike the

gendered aspects of singular pronouns like he, she, her, and
him. It makes them choose an identity as either a man or a
woman, when neither may feel accurate for them. This leads
to the use of they/them instead, as in “I saw Josh today and
they were wearing their new letter jacket.”

For many people, this is a new way to think about gender,

and also feels grammatically difficult. Yet it’s really not
uncommon when we don’t know the gender of a person. For
example, ‘The UPS driver was here. They left the package on
the porch.’

Just as with the discussion above, it’s important to your child

– or to other individuals you may meet – to not be mis-
gendered. Do your best. It gets easier with practice. It matters
and it’s a constant show of acceptance to transgender
people.

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“Our finding just shows how much teens really value
their parents. When we asked each group what actions
they saw as showing support, parents talked about
taking their teen to the gender clinic, getting them
connected to resources. But what the majority of
adolescents wanted most was for parents just to use
their preferred name and pronoun.”
~ Tandy Aye, M.D., Stanford Medicine Associate
Professor of Pediatrics

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Myths That Stigmatize
Transgender People
Negative ideas about transgender individuals are often
rooted in myths, stereotypes, and misinformation. Many of the
LGBTQ+ myths are mistakenly equated with transgender
identity because there is so much confusion between sexual
orientation (who someone is attracted to) and gender identity
(how someone views themselves).

Myth 1: Claiming to be transgender is:

• a fad
• a choice
• a phase
• caused by peer pressure
• a form of rebellion.

Reality: This is their true understanding of themselves.

Transition is not an impulse or an easy change, but an effort
to resolve a strong dissonance in their life and live their
personal gender identity.

“Transgender people risk social stigma, discrimination, and

harassment when they tell other people who they really are.
Parents, friends, coworkers, classmates, and neighbors may
be accepting—but they also might not be, and many
transgender people fear that they will not be accepted by
their loved ones and others in their life. Despite those risks,

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being open about one’s gender identity, and living a life that
feels truly authentic, can be a life-affirming and even life-
saving decision.” 2

Myth 2: Children can’t be transgender. It only happens at

puberty.

Reality: People can realize they are transgender at any age.

Much like knowing if you are right-handed or left-handed, it’s
hard to explain but it feels natural.

“People can realize that they’re transgender at any age.

Some people can trace their awareness back to their earlier
memories— they just knew. Others may need more time to
realize that they are transgender. Some people may spend
years feeling like they don’t fit in without really understanding
why or may try to avoid thinking or talking about their gender
out of fear, shame, or confusion. Trying to repress or change
one’s gender identity doesn’t work; in fact, it can be very
painful and damaging to one’s emotional and mental health.
As transgender people become more visible in the media and
in community life across the country, more transgender
people are able to name and understand their own
experiences and may feel safer and more comfortable
sharing it with others.” 2

Myth 3: All transgender people want hormone therapy and

extensive surgery.

Reality: Transgender people choose to transition in many

ways.

Transgender people seek transitions that make them

comfortable with the way they identify. This could be clothing,

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grooming, mannerisms, activities, name change or many
other actions that align with their view. Hormone therapy and/
or surgery are sought by some but by no means all
transgender individuals.

Myth 4: Transgender people hate their bodies.

Reality: Gender (body) dysphoria is not a sign of transgender

identity or common to all transgender people.

“For some transgender people, the difference between the

gender they are thought to be at birth and the gender they
know themselves to be can lead to serious emotional distress
that affects their health and everyday lives if not addressed.
Gender dysphoria is a medical diagnosis for someone who
experiences this distress.

Not all transgender people have gender dysphoria. On its

own, being transgender is not considered a medical
condition. Many transgender people do not experience
serious anxiety or stress associated with the difference
between their gender identity and their gender of birth, and
so may not have gender dysphoria.” 2

Myth 5: The parents did something wrong.

Reality: Nothing parents did caused a child to be transgender.

However, the way parents respond will have a huge impact
on a child’s well-being.

Self-blame is often the initial response of parents who learn

that their child is transgender. This is not true. A child’s
gender identity is not learned from anyone, including parents.

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Just as a parent cannot cause a child to be heterosexual/
straight/cisgender, a parent cannot cause a child to be
transgender.

“At some point, nearly all children will engage in behavior

associated with different genders – girls will play with trucks,
boys will play with dolls, girls will hate wearing dresses and
boys will insist on wearing them – and gender-nonconforming
behavior does not necessarily mean that a child is
transgender. That said, sometimes these behaviors can clue
us in to what a child may be feeling about their gender – with
some children identifying as another gender than the one
they were assigned as early as toddlerhood.

The general rule for determining whether a child is

transgender or nonbinary is if the child is consistent, insistent,
and persistent about their transgender identity. In other
words, if your four-year-old son wants to wear a dress or says
he wants to be a girl once or twice, he probably is not
transgender; but if your child who was assigned male at birth
repeatedly insists over the course of several months or years
that she is a girl, then she is probably transgender. Children
may not have the words at a very young age to capture that
feeling, but over time it may become more clear to them, and
ultimately to you, that they are a trans girl or a trans boy.” 3

Myth 6: Someone taught my child to be transgender. OR

My child might turn other children in the family or
community to be transgender.

Reality: Gender identity is not learned from peers or others.

Although children and adolescents may imitate or influence

each other, gender identity is not something that is learned from

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peers. It is a deeply personal view of oneself rather than taking
on views from someone else. Others might come out as
transgender and/or LGBTQ+ to your child, not because they are
“recruited,” but because they recognize a common bond or
shared experience of being outside social or cultural norms.

Myth 7: Transgender athletes have an advantage and

should be banned from playing sports outside their gender
assigned at birth.

Reality: Tens of thousands of transgender and nonbinary

students have been playing sports for years without any
unfair advantages or problems.

“Legislation designed to exclude transgender people,

particularly women and girls, from participating in athletics
has been rejected by educators, athletes, NCAA-trained
facilitators, coaches, advocates for women and girls, and
medical professionals. In fact, the Associated Press asked
lawmakers who were seeking to pass these discriminatory
bills to cite problem cases in their states and not a single
lawmaker could identify a case.” 4

“The reality is that all female athletes—transgender and non-

transgender—have different shapes and sizes, have different
strengths and weaknesses. The research shows there’s no
scientific reason to exclude transgender young people. Doing
so can lead to immense harm in overall well-being by
interrupting an activity crucial to identity and development.” 4

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 “One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great
harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are
sufficient.”
~ Charles M. Blow

Myth 8: Transgender individuals could prey on women and

children in public bathrooms.

Reality: Transgender people are not new, and they have been
using facilities as restrooms and locker rooms consistent with
their gender identity for decades without issue.

“Laws in 21 states and more than 170 cities and counties

prohibit discrimination on the basis of gender identity in
employment, housing, and public accommodations such as
restaurants, retail establishments, and hotels. There is no
evidence that these laws lead to violence or undermine
safety. That is why more than 300 domestic violence and
sexual assault prevention organizations support full and equal
inclusion of transgender people in facilities consistent with
their gender identity… Opponents of LGBTQ+ equality have
admitted that their bathroom safety argument was contrived
and not a real concern based on habits of actual predators.” 4

Myth 9: The Bible says God created man and woman only.

Reality: The Bible is most concerned about proper treatment

of others and opposes cruelty, exploitation, and abuse among
all people.

Jesus was silent on the subject of sexual orientation or

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gender identity. In fact, His ministry was one of welcome and
acceptance to many considered outcasts or misfits, not
condemnation. In addition, many Christians hold the Great
Commandment in Mt. 22:36-40 as their overarching guide:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your
soul and with all your mind” and “Love your neighbor as
yourself.”

For a more detailed discussion on scripture and transgender

issues, please see “What Does the Bible Say About
Transgender People.” ([Link]
does-the-bible-say-about-transgender-people)

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Meeting your LGBTQ+
child’s significant other
(From Strong Family
Alliance Blog)

If your child recently came out as LGBTQ+, the idea of them

dating might make you pretty uncomfortable. And if the very
idea makes you feel nervous and awkward, then actually
meeting your child’s significant other is probably not
something you’re prepared to do. It’s not always easy, so we
want to share some strategies and ideas that may help you
navigate the process. Hopefully, you’ll be pleasantly surprised
at the outcome.

Get everyone on the same page.

First things first. In these situations, open communication is

always key. Err on the side of OVER communicating. Talk to
your child about their expectations and be specific. Hugs or
handshakes? What does your child call their significant other?
(i.e. boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc.) That should be the term
you use in introductions.

How does your child feel about this encounter? Talk to them
about how you’re feeling and it’s okay to say you’re feeling
nervous, that you’re worried about saying the wrong things,

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etc. If you’re married, how does your spouse feel about it? If
you can get all these feelings and expectations out in the
open before you meet, chances for success are much higher.

Don’t call their significant other their “friend.”

A lot of parents make the mistake of referring to their child’s

partner as their “friend.” This happens to non-LGBTQ+ people
as well and is a reflection of general parental discomfort at
the idea of their “baby” being an adult. While perfectly
understandable, it’s even more important not to do it for your
LGBTQ+ child because it sends the message that you either
don’t approve or don’t take their relationship seriously. Use
the term your child uses and practice saying it if you have to.
Remember, your child wants you to meet their partner
because your approval and love is incredibly important to
them.

The fact that they’re willing to have this potentially awkward

experience means that they value your presence and
participation in their life. Try not to take that for granted. So
many LGBTQ+ people are estranged from their families and
this type of situation is simply impossible. As hard as this might
be for you, the fact that it can happen at all is a blessing.

Be aware of needed pronouns.

Ask your child what pronouns to use and try to use them. If you
make a mistake, just quickly correct with a simple “I’m sorry”
and go on. Don’t make a big deal of a miss. Research shows
LGBTQ+ individuals appreciate when someone tries to use the
correct pronouns, even if mistakes are made. If they use
certain pronouns, it can be courteous to name your own. (Hi,
I’m Kate and my pronouns are she/her.”)

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Put yourself in their shoes.

Do you remember introducing a special someone to your

family? How did it go? Were you nervous? What kinds of
things did your parent or parents do/say that helped things
go well (or make things super awkward)? Did those
embarrassing photos from childhood make you laugh or
make you want to crawl under the rug?

Let your experience guide you with your own child. LGBTQ+
people have the same kinds of hopes, desires, and
challenges in their relationships as straight people, so
chances are the things your parents did that made you cringe
when they met your partner will also make your child
uncomfortable. The same kind, welcoming words that made
you feel accepted and loved will also make your child feel
accepted and loved.

Your child’s sexual orientation or gender identity doesn’t

change who they are. They’re still the same child you’ve
always loved.

Don’t expect it to be perfect.

No matter how prepared you feel, odds are high that

awkward moments will still happen and that’s totally fine. This
is a learning process. If you feel like the whole experience
was a bust, you can always try again. This isn’t your only
chance. Make sure to check in with your child afterwards and
ask how they think it went, how their partner felt, etc. Check
in with yourself and your spouse.

The following questions can help everyone reflect and think

about future encounters:

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 • What went well?
• What happened that felt uncomfortable or awkward?
• What could be improved for next time?
• Express appreciation that you had a chance to meet.

We hope these ideas will help things go more smoothly when

you meet your child’s significant other. Remember, someday
you may meet the one that becomes a life partner, and
practice now can help build awareness you’ll need in the
future.

REFERENCES

1. Pew Research Center. (June 13, 2013). A survey of LGBT

Americans. [Link]
survey-of-lgbt-americans/

2. National Center for Transgender Equality. (July 9, 2016).

Frequently asked questions about transgender people.
[Link]
asked-questions-about-transgender-people

3. HRC Foundation. Transgender children and youth:

Understanding the basics. Human Rights Campaign.
[Link]
youth-understanding-the-basics.

4. HRC Foundation. Myths and facts: Battling disinformation

about transgender rights. Human Rights Campaign.
[Link]
disinformation-about-transgender-rights.

30 of 30
 Parenting Transgender
Children

Chapter 4- Coming Out as the

Parent:How Parents Can Become
Allies and Advocates

• Speaking Up: Independent

Actions as an Ally

• Going Public: Steps to

Coordinate with Your Child

• Working with a Counselor:

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Coming out as a parent can be gradual or sudden. As your
child becomes more open, it’s important that you become
more open, keeping pace to provide encouragement and
emotional help. Parent support begins with being an ally, a
safe person to trust, but each additional step you take
strengthens your child’s awareness that you are with them on
their journey.

As you take actions to be more supportive, it’s important to

remember this is not your story—it’s your child’s story. Take
care to not “out” your child beyond their wishes. To help with
this, we have organized suggestions in increasingly public
steps. These steps help chart a path from actions that protect
your child’s privacy to public actions as your child becomes
more public.

There is a huge difference between acceptance/

tolerance and invitation/encouragement/
support…So I can be a voice that helps assure
the latter becomes the norm and not the exception.
~ Mother of a transgender son

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Actions you can take:
Be a Non-Participant

• Refuse to participate in subtle or overt LGBTQ+

disparagement.
• Do not use negative language, tease, or make
disrespectful jokes.
• Walk away from disparaging conversations.
Express an Inclusive Attitude

• Make proactive efforts to discuss LGBTQ+ people and

ideas.
• Avoid silence. Silence makes LGBTQ+ topics seem
taboo.
• Find opportunities to talk about LGBTQ+ people or
issues in positive ways.
• Talk about LGBTQ+ individuals you know and what
you admire about them (co-workers, friends, relatives,
etc.).
• Discuss news stories or current events around
LGBTQ+ issues (same-sex marriage, bathroom bills,
discrimination, health issues, news, etc.).
• Comment on celebrities, politicians, or advocates who
are or who support LGBTQ+ and why that matters.

Outreach

• Establish relationships with LGBTQ+ people in your

community.

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 • Encourage LGBTQ+ youth that you encounter through
sports, friendships, school, etc. Be friendly and normal to
these youth as you would to any others.
• Extend invitations to shared activities such as inviting an
LGBTQ+ neighbor to dinner or a movie or asking
someone to join a league or group activity (sports, music,
gardening, cooking, etc.).

Take a Stand

• Confront others’ negative word/actions.

• Object to derogatory comments or jokes (“That’s a hurtful
comment”, “That’s not funny”).
• Correct your child (or siblings, or relatives) for negative
comments.
• Criticize negative examples of such behavior in movies,
TV, news stories, etc.
• Be a public advocate
• Donate to organizations that promote LGBTQ+ rights.
• Participate in demonstrations in your area.
• Vote for inclusive office holders.
• Encourage your church, temple, or mosque to support
LGBTQ+ members.

Come Out as a Parent Anonymously

• Learn all you can.

• Get factual information, resources and suggestions from
supportive websites such as [Link] or
[Link]/transgender.
• Read about others’ stories of being a parent of an
LG B TQ + p e r s o n ( e . g . , “ F a m i l y S t o r i e s ” a t
[Link]).
• For an informative and encouraging article about
transgender youth and their families, visit “How Parents

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 Can Best Support a Transgender Child: Research Study”
(YouTube: Where Parents Talk TV).

• Share your own story in a private, confidential way.

• Add your story anonymously online at “Family
Stories” on [Link].
• Find confidential, private support.
• Work with an affirming knowledgeable therapist.
• Talk with supportive, accepting clergy.
• Join a support group such as [Link] or
[Link].

A simple, personal action we invite you to take is to share your

story anonymously at Family Stories on [Link].

This has several benefits:

• It’s private – You can share your experience anonymously.

• It helps you practice telling your story — Sometimes
reading our own stories gives us insight and practice
telling our story that can be helpful as we eventually talk
with others.
• It becomes a resource for others – Parents visiting our
pages can find stories from parents in similarly sized
towns, geography, or family situations. You can be a help
and encouragement to others.
• Wherever you are in your story, it can help others –
Hearing stories from many perspectives is helpful to others
finding their way.

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Going Public: Steps to
Coordinate with Your
Child
Remember:

• It’s not your story to tell—you will not feel the scrutiny,
your child will.
• Keep pace with your child—their comfort level is most
important.
• Get permission—ask if you can talk to a particular
person (even your sibling or best friend).
• Judge your audience—they may break confidence or
gossip.

Definition: The timing of telling friends, family, or anyone that

your child identifies as transgender and/or LGBTQ+. This
is complex and must be based on your child’s decisions
of who knows and when.
Why: Keeping pace with your child is a way to support your
child, find support yourself, and become an advocate.
Timing: Depends on your child’s comfort level. Becoming
completely open could happen quickly, or it may take
years, or it may never occur. You must take cues from
your child about whom to tell and when.

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Child Is Only Out to You: Protect Privacy

• Caution: Do not “out” your child.

• However emotional you are, respect your child’s
privacy. Take time to find your balance and
gather helpful information.
• Be an ally.
• See the independent actions above and pursue all
you can.
• Educate yourself.
• This is support for you as well and there are many
options (e.g., [Link],
[Link]/resources).
• Find a confidential and supportive space.
• Join a support group such as [Link] or one of the
many affirming faith-based resources.
• Online groups can be especially helpful, such as
those from the [Link] which hosts
events in both English and Spanish.
• Work with an affirming therapist.
• Talk with accepting clergy.
• Tell your story anonymously
• Post your anonymous story under Family Stories
at [Link].

Child Told a Trusted Few: Assist and Ask Permission

• Keep pace.
• Don’t ask your child to stretch and don’t hold them
back.
• If asked, be willing to help tell others.
• Help your child tell someone else if your child wants
your help. You may be part of the conversation,
or you may be sent as a messenger.
• Ask permission if you want to tell someone.

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 • For someone your child knows well, such as a relative
or close friend, it’s essential your child agrees. It’s
their relationship too.
• Ask how you can help.
• Sometimes they want help and other times not. It’s
important to ask, so they stay in control.
• Keep the conversation flowing.
• Ask normal questions about life, school, work, and
friends. Don’t make everything about being
LGBTQ+.
• Keep your worries to yourself.
• Find a trusted resource to talk with but don’t lay your
fears on your child.

Child Is Out to Some Family or Friends: Acknowledging and

Educating Others

• Be a welcoming home.
• Invite their friends to your home. Make an effort to
know ALL their friends, but particularly those
close to your child.
• Find your comfort zone.
• Practice talking about this change until you have the
words comfortably down.
• Ask your child how to handle questions.
• Find out how they answer and parallel them.
• Be a buffer if needed.
• Keep your balance if someone else such as a relative
is emotional or critical. Don’t let them grill your
child.
• Discuss possible gossip.
• Help your child be realistic that others may talk. Take
your cue from your child.
• Get your statements and answers down pat.

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 • Find positive, affirming ways to answer if someone
asks or implies something. You are an ally—act
like it.

Child Is Progressively Open: Create Normalcy and Ease

• Grow with your child.

• Be more open as your child is more open. Talk easily
about this and many other topics around school,
activities, sports, etc.
• Be ready for dating and relationships.
• Try to apply consistent guidelines about dating.
Curfews, activities, and boundaries can still be
appropriate.
• There may be open affection. Try to think “if they
were a co-ed couple would this bother me?”
• Make your home a destination.
• You can become a friend to others whose families
may be rejecting or on the same journey.

Speaking Up: Both You and Your Child Are Out

• Use all of the actions described above.

• Take a public stand.
• Join one of the many support and advocacy groups
you can find listed on [Link].
• Advocate
• Actively advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. Be a public
voice when possible.
• Help other families and youth.
• Support or help your school start a GSA Club.
• Recommend [Link] resources to teachers and
school counselors.
• Be available to parents with a child coming out as a
support. Help them find resources and
information.

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Working with a
Counselor: Finding
Personal Support

People are often hesitant to see a counselor, or therapist,

particularly if this is the first time to reach out. Below are
some common questions and answers about counseling.

Definition: Share thoughts, feelings, questions, and concerns

about being the parent of an LGBTQ+ child either
anonymously (e.g., online) or with a therapist who is
bound by confidentiality.

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Why: It can be helpful to discuss experiences with others to
who may offer support, information, and insight.
Timing: Any time.

Why therapy?

Therapy can help when you’ve tried everything and still

notice that stress, change, difficulties, or feelings…
…are unmanageable
…are not getting better with time
…are getting in the way of your roles and duties in life
(e.g., at work, as a parent, or with everyday activities)

In other words, therapy is a way to find relief when things are

beyond your ability to cope, not resolving despite time
and effort, and creating impairment in your life.

Also, therapy is appropriate in times of growth, exploration,

confusion, and adjustment to new ideas and identities,
even when things are good!

Parents of kids who have come out as LGBTQ+ may find that
they move through each of these experiences and need
a place to bring all the pieces together.

How can it help?

Therapy can be many things and is tailored to what you want.

It can be a place to get unstuck, find new understanding of
yourself and others, process painful memories or feelings,
learn new skills and tools, and get inspired to make exciting
changes in yourself or your relationships. Specifically for
parents of kids who identify as LGBTQ+, therapy is a private
place to air reactions of fear, doubt, or confusion and ask
questions.

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Isn't it just talking with someone?

Even the good listeners in your life are not able to listen with
nonjudgment, focusing only on your best interests. Most
friends and family members struggle to hear difficult feelings
such as anger, sadness, or shame without trying to solve
problems or minimize feelings. Therapists join with your
struggle and help in a way that is effective, respectful, and
confidential.

What's the difference between counseling and therapy?

These words are essentially interchangeable.

How do I find a therapist?

1. Get several names of local therapists to research. Some

ways to do this:

• Ask your doctor for recommendations.

• If you have a health insurance plan, call the
customer service number on your card and ask
for help finding a list of “in-network mental
health providers.”
• Search the Psychology Today Therapist Finder for
your zip code, your concern, or your insurance
plan. (Not all therapists choose to be listed
here, but many do.)
• Use online resources such as [Link] or
where you can set criteria and preview
therapists.
• Since the events around COVID, even local
therapists may offer online sessions

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 2. Find out more about the therapists. Some questions to
ask or research:
• Are they accepting new clients?
• Are they inclusive and experienced with LGBTQ+
clients and concerns?
• What are the fees? Do they accept insurance?
• Do they provide individual therapy? Couples?
Family? Child therapy?

(Note: Letters such as PhD, LPC, LMFT, and LCSW represent the type of
training and licensure the therapist obtained, but these letters will not
determine who feels like a good match or who will work most effectively
with you.)

Are there two or three questions I could ask to make sure

they are inclusive and competent to work with concerns
related to my LGBTQ+ child and our family?

Your goal is to find a counselor who is knowledgeable and

affirming, which is very different from friendly and accepting.
You could ask if a therapist specializes or has experience
working with LGBTQ+ concerns. Be wary of any therapist who
claims to “fix” or “cure” being gay or transgender, as this will
not be a good fit. Other good indicators are whether
paperwork or other written material on their website reflect
sexual and gender diversity/ For example, the website
mentions “transgender “or “LGBTQ” in a description of
services on their website, has inclusive choices for gender on
intake paperwork, provides links to inclusive resources, etc.

Why would I go just for me?

You cannot change others’ reactions, choices, or experiences,

but you can work to understand and even change your own.
You are worthy of good self-care, and therapy is part of that. If
it is difficult to justify something only for yourself, remind
yourself that as you benefit, most likely your loved ones will

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benefit indirectly as well. Although self-care is reason
enough, improving mental wellness in order to improve
parenting may motivate some parents to seek therapy.

Should I go even if my spouse won't?

Therapy is a personal and individual decision. You can benefit

even if your partner does not attend.

Should I consider counseling for my child?

Yes. If you think that your child is struggling, offering or

encouraging individual therapy could be a good idea.
Family therapy can also be a way to strengthen
relationships and communication with your child. Offer,
invite, and encourage therapy if you feel it is the right
step; however, forcing therapy on an adolescent who is
not willing or ready can cause strain and stress.

How do I find the right therapist and make sure they'll work
well with my child?

The process is the same as described previously, with one

addition: listen to your child regarding whether they feel
comfortable with the therapist. Some kids need a few
sessions to feel comfortable and establish rapport with the
therapist. Other kids and teens begin to balk at therapy after
several sessions, when topics may get more difficult or
personal. These issues are normal and something to
bring up with the therapist, so they can monitor rapport and
engagement. However, regardless of whether the child
enjoys the process of therapy, a relationship with the
therapist in which they feel respected, understood, and heard
by the therapist is of the utmost importance. Consider giving
your child the ability to look at a few websites and decide
who they will see. This reinforces their sense of
independence and choice.

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Should we try family therapy?

Yes, if you notice that the way your family handles problems,
conflicts, and changes is not working well. A family therapist
does not focus on the problems of one person, but rather
focuses on the way family members interact as a group.

When would I use group therapy or individual therapy?

Both can provide a sense of relief that you are not alone.
Group therapy can be a powerful way to understand yourself
through relationships with and the support of others. It has
many of the same benefits as individual therapy and is often
less expensive. In some cases, individual therapy may be
needed before group therapy if working toward feeling stable
or functioning in daily life activities are primary goals.

We don't have insurance coverage. Where can we get help?

Community mental health agencies often have a “sliding

scale” fee structure that allows for paying what is affordable
to you, based on your income. Support groups can also be a
lower cost option.

How long does counseling go on?

This depends on you, the therapist, and the goals you set
together. Terminating therapy is best approached as a joint
decision between client and therapist, but clients can decide
to discontinue therapy at any time. However, a question to ask a
therapist in the first session or two is how long they anticipate the
work will last. Some therapists work within a short-term therapy
model, others allow for ongoing, start-and-stop work, and others
form treatment plans that estimate the number of sessions
needed.

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How much will it cost?

If you are not using health insurance, “private pay” rates for 50–
60-minute sessions can range widely, anywhere from $80 to $175
or higher, in some cases. Group therapy sessions usually range
from $20 to $50 per meeting.

Can I choose what I ask for help on?

Yes! You are in charge of what concerns and goals you bring to
therapy. A therapist may recommend exploring other things, but
your primary concerns should drive therapy goals.

I live in a small town. Is there any way I can get help online
or remotely?

Telehealth or telemedicine, e-therapy, or online therapy as it is

sometimes called, has become increasingly common. Including
search terms such as “online therapy” or “teletherapy” will reveal
a list of therapy providers that provide this service.

I'm a Christian. Can I find a Christian counselor?

Yes. Some counselors indicate online or in other materials that

they focus in that area. This designation usually means the
counselor is a Christian—not that they are qualified to give
theological answers.

It’s important to make sure they are able to help you support
your LGBTQ+ child and are not condemning. A direct
question before making an appointment might be “Are they
affirming/accepting/supportive of LGBTQ+ individuals?”

If I'm a Christian, can I see a non-Christian counselor?

Of course. Counselors help clients address emotional or

mental needs of many types: concerns, decisions, emotional
struggles, relationship problems, etc. For parents of an

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LGBTQ+ child, there are many concerns separate from
religious questions where a counselor can assist. If your faith
is not accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals, a non-religious
counselor may be the best option and provide additional
insights. They may also be more able to address concerns
around your child’s safety, friends, activities, and social
interests.

When would I see a pastor versus a counselor?

This is partly a personal preference. If you are close to a

pastor and trust them to be supportive of your LGBTQ+ child,
they may be a good resource. (Pastors who are not
supportive would hopefully point you to other alternatives.)
Often people prefer to see a counselor rather than a pastor
for more privacy. It can be hard to interact with a pastor
socially or in services when you are in active counseling with
them. Sometimes people find that seeing both is a better
answer than either/or. That allows them to work on theology
and faith issues with the pastor and personal struggles with
the counselor.

If I can't find or afford a therapist, what can I do(Journaling?

Reading? etc.?)

Many therapists offer sliding scale rates, and some agencies

offer therapy for free or at a reduced cost. Additionally, local
or online support groups can be a place to interact with
others who have similar experiences. Journaling and reading
self-help books or online resources can be helpful in the
meantime. You can find additional books in our resources list
on [Link].

19 of 19
Parenting Transgender
Children

Chapter 5—Moving Forward

• Tough Questions

• Issues of Faith

• Valuable Resources

• How to Have a More

• Meaningful Holiday

3 of 24
“I’m 5 years into parenting an LGBTQ+ child, but I
continue to learn. The issues change over time (safety,
bullying, health, dating, college, roommates, partners, etc.)
but I find I get better at it. What was hard at first has
become so much easier. And finding good resources is such a
gift.”
~ Father of a gay son

Tough Questions
Below are some hard questions parents often ask and
answers that can be helpful. There are many other sources
for frequently asked questions but here we focus on
questions often not answered elsewhere.

Why is suicide emphasized so much as a risk?

Because suicide is the highest risk of death for transgender

and LGBTQ+ individuals.

Because most teen suicides are impulsive with little or no

planning and 70% occur in the victim's homes.3

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As a cause of death, suicide is:

• 12th leading cause of death in the US1

• 3rd leading cause of death among US teens2
• 1st cause of death among gay and lesbian youth3
• The suicide attempts among transgender persons
ranges from 32% to 50% across the countries.4

SPEAK also provides warning signs to look for:3

• Giving away prized possessions

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Change in eating habits and sleep patterns
• Extreme personality changes
• Aggressive, destructive, or defiant behavior
• Neglect of personal appearance or hygiene
• Increase in alcohol or drug consumption
• Talking, writing, or drawing about their own death
• Withdrawing from family or friends

Who are we now? As parents? As a family?

Although it may feel as if everything has changed, in most

ways you are the same family you have been. The child who
comes out to you is the same person you loved moments
before. Daily decisions and activities may change gradually
but try to take time, keep normal routines as much as
possible, allow things to settle into new patterns gradually,
and focus on communication and affection.

Let us offer some reassurance. On our parent stories page,

you can search on transgender stories. One of the last
questions we ask is: Knowing what you know today, would
you want your child to “stay in the closet”? Why?

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In story after story the answer is “No”. The reasons may vary,
but the general answers are because their child is happier
and their family stronger for having weathered this change
together. We hope you find this true as well.

What about my dreams and expectations?

You’ve probably imagined possible futures for your child that

seem out of reach now. The death of dreams and shattered
expectations may be hard to bear but try to focus on the
bigger picture. Parents hope for many things for a child: good
health, a happy life, close friends, a good education, a job, a
loving relationship, a way to serve in the world, and many
more.

All of these can still be dreams, though the details of how

they occur may differ. Dream big for your child—maybe dream
bigger than ever before. They need your hopeful view and
encouragement.

Will my child have a lonely, miserable life?

You might be worrying that this means no marriage

partnership, no children, or no happiness. Despite your own
fears, it’s important to help your child dream a positive future.
For LGBTQ+ individuals, hopelessness can breed self-
destructive behaviors and despair can breed suicidal
thoughts.

To help counteract this risk, one of the most important things

a parent can do is hold a hopeful view of the future and share
that with their child. And the truth is, many, many LGBTQ+
people lead productive, connected lives with loving partners
and families.

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Sometimes a minor shift in your own dream can help and
basic dreams still hold:

• The dream of a great spouse for your child is at heart

the hope for a good partner, one who loves and
supports your child.
• Loneliness is greatly counterbalanced by strong family
connections—which you can help sustain.

Check out [Link] or the book by the same name.

Both are full of encouraging stories that can help you build a
positive vision of the future. Your child can also find
encouragement there as well.

I want to tell my closest friend/relative. Should I?

It may feel strange not telling a close friend. You may really
need to talk with someone about what you are feeling. Your
needs are important, but you have to carefully choose where
you find support and find a safe place to talk. Very few
people come out to their parent and the world in the same
day. It’s a gradual process over time, and you have to be
patient and let that unfold.

You want the family to allow the child to remain in control of

the story and how it spreads. Telling too many people is like
spilling glitter – you can’t get it all back in the bottle.

Consider these points:

• When you tell someone, you are “outing” your child.

Consider whether your child will be exposed to
comments, opinions, scrutiny, gossip.
• If it’s a relative or someone the child knows well, your

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 • child has a relationship with them as well. It’s even
more important for your child to be comfortable with
them knowing.
• You may wonder if people notice differences, but
many may not know or notice changes in your family.
As your transgender child's transition progresses -- as
appearance and names/pronouns change --you are
able to be more open because your child is more
open. Keep pace.

Finally, remember this is not your story to tell. It’s your child’s
story. It is imperative to let the child decide when they are
ready to come out and to whom. You must be your child’s
protector by doing what your child needs in terms of
openness or privacy. Your story is your own experience, but
your role as a parent involves supporting your child in the
degree of openness comfortable for them.

Will I have grandchildren?

Many parents long for grandchildren and you may think

having a transgender or LGBTQ+ child means you won’t have
grandchildren. This will be your child’s choice, just as it would
be in any relationship. They may conceive, adopt, foster, or
choose not to parent. Don’t assume the outcome. Let time
play out the situation, just as it would in any partner
relationship.

How do I decide when to tell people?

It differs depending on the situation. But as a rule, you let

your child decide who knows what and when. Don’t “out”
them to someone unless your child says that it is OK with
them.

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What is the “second closet?

The term “in the closet” refers to the choice that transgender
and LGBTQ+ individuals make to keep their identity to
themselves. Family members are said to be in the “second
closet” when they are keeping the child’s identity private from
others in the family or community. The second closet can be
either a positive or a negative situation and it’s vital that those
trusted by the child understand the difference.

It is positive if the child is deciding who knows and when, and

those trusted are abiding by the child’s desire for privacy or
openness. You are supporting their preference and allowing
them to control their experience.

It is negative if the child is ready to be more open and the

family resists. This makes the child the “family secret.” For the
child, this can feel like rejection, rebuff the trust the child
showed through their honesty, and instill a sense that their
family is ashamed.

It can be difficult to find the right step in each situation but

asking your child and keeping pace with their wishes are key.

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How do I deal with my child dating someone whose parents
don’t know their child is transgender or LGBTQ+?

As a rule, each child’s decision to come out must be their

own. If the other young person is not out to their family, they
may not be ready, or it may not be safe for them at home. You
are not obligated to tell others that your child is transgender
or LGBTQ+, or that their child is. You can encourage the child
to tell their parents when they are ready and offer to help in
any way you can with that step, but to tell the parents without
the child’s permission could damage multiple relationships.

If you encounter criticism from the other parent later (why

didn’t you tell me?), you may be faced with a tough
conversation. Be as honest as you can about your reasoning
and up front about any difficulty you may have felt around the
choice to remain silent. It may be helpful to share that
although in many cases your policy is to inform other parents
when things arise with their child, sharing about a child’s
identity before they are ready can be hurtful to the child.

Even after explaining that protecting the child’s privacy is

ultimately a choice to protect the child, the other parent may
not understand. The choice to prioritize a child’s wishes,
privacy, and potentially their safety over harmony with that
child’s parent is not an easy position to take, but ultimately
this is what we recommend.

Do I have to tell my church or house of worship?

No, but telling depends on the church. There are affirming

faith communities of all religions. (See Faith-Based
Organizations at [Link].) However, if
your family is closely connected to a faith community,
rejection by that community can be damaging, particularly if

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the child feels judged. If you anticipate judgmental reactions,
it may no longer be a good place for your family. Consider
finding a more accepting faith community. If you decide to
stay and your child is wounded by the church, the risk is that
your child may eventually come to question or even reject his
or her faith entirely.

Why did my child tell me?

You may almost wish you didn’t know. The good news is
children decide to tell their parents for good reasons. They
may long to remove hidden barriers and to be accepted for
who they are. Many wish to be honest with their family and
may feel they have lived a lie with the people they cherish
most. Their openness is an act of courage and shows deep
trust in you. Try to honor them for honoring you with the truth.

Should I encourage my child to hide their transgender

identity to keep them safe?

Coming out is a very personal decision, but recent research

shows it is better for them to come out when they are ready
rather than hide when they are wanting to be more open. A
2015 study, entitled Coming Out at School and Well-being in
Young Adulthood,5 found hiding their identity did not keep
them safe and had other negative consequences. Key
findings were:

• LGBTQ+ students experienced school victimization

regardless of whether they attempted to conceal their
identity or openly disclosed their LGBT identity. Thus,
hiding was not successful, on average, in protecting
LGBTQ+ students from school victimization and
bullying.
• LGBTQ+ young adults who tried to hide their sexual
orientation and gender identity at school reported
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 more victimization and, ultimately, higher levels of
depression than LGBTQ+ students who came out or
were open about their LGBTQ+ identity at school.
Feeling that they had to hide their sexual orientation
and gender identity was associated with depression
among LGBTQ+ young adults.
• Being out about one’s LGBTQ+ identity at school has
strong associations with self-esteem and life
satisfaction and with low levels of depression in young
adulthood.

Your child's decision is of primary importance. Your efforts to

support them is a close second.

Why do other teens shame or shun my child?

• This can be complex. Unfortunately, it can be a

frequent experience in schools. There may be many
reasons, but some common ones are:

• Peer pressure—Teens long for a sense of belonging,

which may come with feeling “the same as” their
friends. They may avoid someone they learn is
LGBTQ+ simply because they are different.

• Fear of association—“They’ll think I’m gay/trans/etc.

too.” Because of the anti-LGBTQ+ messages in our
society, peers may worry others will make assumptions
about them too.

• Condemnation by their families or church—They may

be reflecting what they have heard or been taught.
Kids often voice the values and beliefs of their parents,
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 and when parents make statements against the gay
community, their kids may too.

• Projection—Sometimes people who are LGBTQ+ (and

are uncomfortable with this) deny their own feelings
and accuse others of having those very feelings. It can
be a way of avoiding suspicion and diverting attention
to others.

• Deflection—Gossiping about someone who is LBGTQ+

to test other people’s reactions. This tactic allows kids
to preview what might happen if they were to come
out.

• Otherness—Emphasizing the “difference” factor.

Unfortunately, it is human nature to confirm an idea of
ourselves as “good” or “right” by calling out someone
else as “bad” or “wrong.” Adolescents especially are
looking for belonging and/or fitting in.

• Prurience—Focus on sexual activity rather than the

person. Adolescent, who are often preoccupied with
sex, may be especially prone to ignore the whole
person and focus solely on their sexuality.

Please see [Link] for information on bullying and

school programs. For additional or more general questions
visit:

[Link]
[Link]

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[Link]
[Link] (National Institute of Health)

Issues of Faith
For many people who are a part of a religion or faith, there
may be a conflict between some beliefs…
Homosexuality is a sin Opposition to gay marriage LGBTQ+
people should not be ordained or work in a church Two
genders, “male” and “female,” were created by God

AND your belief that…

My child is a good person
My child is a beloved child of God
My faith’s writings emphasize love and service
above all
My child identifies and expresses themself as God
created them

We have suggestions that can help.

Hit the pause button

You don’t have to decide right now how to reconcile every

question. Most religions reject the notion that children are a
parent’s property and have strong teachings on the
importance of family cohesion. Focus on keeping the family
intact and allow time to work through faith struggles.

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Lead with love

This is the same child you have loved and cherished for
years. Keep leading with love as it may help you carve out
space to resolve other issues over time. Most religions
emphasize parent roles and almost universally maintain that
the most important parental obligation is the obligation to
love one’s children.

Keep being the best parent you possibly can

Prioritize staying close to your child to maintain the safety,

support, and interaction so essential as they grow to
adulthood. They still need parenting, encouragement, love
and safety at home.

Resist being swayed by judgment

If you feel judgment from others about your child, or

you struggle with your own judgment about what it means to
be LGBTQ+, put your relationship with your child first.
Maintain communication and affection that is so important for
a family relationship.

Represent your faith

Remember your daily example is a living demonstration of

your faith for your child. Focusing on the overarching beliefs
of their faith such as love, kindness, healing, and devotion to
God helps many who struggle with individual negative
scriptures.

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Find support

You may be wondering how or whether to talk about this with

others who share your religion. Find a supportive person to
help you decide if it is safe for you and your child to discuss
it. If you have concerns about your own church, consider
reading some of the books in our Resources list at
[Link] or reaching out to another
church.

Protect privacy

Depending on your relationship with your church, its leaders,

or the community you may feel like you are keeping a secret.
This may be necessary to protect your child from unwanted
scrutiny and judgment.

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Seek positive resources in your denomination

Almost every denomination or religion has supportive groups

for LGBTQ+ people and often provides new ways to think
about these changes in the family. If you have doubts or your
church is condemning, please visit our “Faith Based
Organizations” page at [Link] to find
references for your denomination.

Use prayer

Many people learn over time that their relationship with God
can take many forms. Parents of transgender or LGBTQ+
children often pray their way through parenting. Finding a
one-on-one faith interaction can guide their daily actions
better than written rules in their faith.

Help your child keep their faith

Perhaps the most important point is that youth raised in a

faith often have deep spiritual longings for faith connections.
Staying in a condemning church may drive your child away
from faith entirely. Finding a spiritual home that accepts the
entire family may be the single greatest gift of faith, witness,
and guidance you can provide.

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Valuable Resources
Most parents learn as they go along, and each family’s path is
unique. Good resources are available and it’s helpful to know
how to find them. From research reports to health
information to support groups we encourage you to use
these widely available tools to answer questions.

Finding Medical Resources

It is vitally important to get help and get accurate information.

Your child is making decisions about how they want to
present to the world, but it is sometimes hard to know when

to help and when to act with caution. Accurate information for

families is constantly expanding and can be invaluable for
you and your transgender child.

Work With a Supportive Physician. Please talk with your

pediatrician about the concerns you have. Medical advice
may resolve many questions. However, it’s essential your
physician is accepting of LGBTQ+ patients and there are
resources to help locate providers. Here are some national
resources to assist:

1. The Human Rights Campaign ([Link]) publishes a

listing of healthcare facilities throughout the United
States that promote equitable and inclusive care for
LGBTQ+ and their families. (Search for Healthcare
Equality Index for the most recent report.)

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 2. The “Transgender Care Listing” at [Link]
allows you to use qualifiers for practice type and
location to find a provider.
3. [Link] is the world’s largest and oldest association
of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer
( LG BTQ ) h e a l t h c a r e p r o f e s s i o n a l s . M e d i c a l
professionals must self-list.

Resources and connections on

[Link].

We provide a curated list of resources and offer links to many

organizations and sources. Examples are:

Support & Advocacy Here you’ll find a listing of key

organizations providing education and information
by and for transgender and LGBTQ+ people, their
families, and their allies. There are sections for:

• Key support and advocacy groups

• Research sources
• Education and school support and materials
• Tips for college bound students
• Civil rights and laws
• Major religions

Faith-Based Organizations In almost every faith group, there

are resources for support. Our list includes:

• Christian (22 denominations)

• Non-denominational
• Buddhist
• Hindu
• Islam
• Judaism
• Ecumenical
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Books for Parents and LGBTQ Titles include parenting, the
coming out experience, LGBT resources, transgender
resources, as well as Christian and Jewish writers.

Other Resources Find recent blogs, video, news, articles

and a parent forum where you can post issues or questions
for other parents to answer.

Helpful Resources for More Information

• [Link] is an extensive website for

parenting information on a broad range of topics.
Search under transgender to find dozens of videos
from parents and experts, a wealth of articles and a
forum.
• The National Center for Transgender Equality offers a
primer of basic transgender information and links to
other resources under “About Transgender People” at
[Link].
• [Link] offers helpful information by searching
“Transgender Facts” page on their website.
• [Link] provides “Tips for Allies of Transgender
People” with frequent questions, tips for allies, and a
list of links to more resources.

The [Link] transgender resource page offers a

reading list as well as information on a number of
legal, social and political issues affecting transgender
persons.

Each holiday dinner, we encourage our gay child to bring

along any LGBTQ+ friends that might not have a place to go.

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For nearly twenty years there have always been guests.
Young people alone at Thanksgiving or Christmas or July 4.
Once we had five visitors, always it’s one or two. Some come
once, a few come several times.

There is food, of course, but we also have games and puzzles

and serial football to watch. A few I have met before, but most
are strangers to me. It surprised me to realize some were
near strangers to my daughter as well—a friend of a friend—
but they were alone, so she invited. Some are pierced and
tattooed. Some are in polos and slacks. Some reserved,
others outgoing, but most relax as the day passes.

We don’t ask why they are separated from their family, why
they are alone. Rather we have the interesting conversations
that can happen with someone you just meet. We talk about
movies, current events, school, hobbies. I remember laughing
conversations about learning to drive, their best Halloween

costume, beloved pets, and their worst camping experiences.

Often life challenges come up. They talk about car break
downs, struggles to finish college while working, apartment
robberies, or credit card nightmares. As our visitors have
gotten older conversations include job hunting, worries about
conflicts with bosses or co-workers, money management, and
dreams of owning a house. We are sometimes asked for
advice. My husband might help diagnose a car problem. We
might talk about budgeting or what percent of income should
go to housing.

I enjoy these days and the many young men and women I’ve
met. But I also hurt for them and their families. Those parents
who are missing in action. The siblings who aren’t close
because a gay child has been cast out. They should be the
ones laughing at the humorous stories, learning small details
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about the everyday lives of their child. The parents should be
hearing about struggles in work or school, helping with
problems, comforting if the child has been robbed or
attacked. But they are missing in action.

I am struck each time at the loss on both sides, the break in

family support and family connection. It is so harmful to
everyone.

I remember one woman turning to me as I walked her to the

door after a fun, sunny afternoon of food and companionship.
She turned and spoke in a slightly choked voice, saying thank
you, then, “I haven’t been in a family home since my parents
kicked me out when I was 14. It was really good to be here.”
She was 24. Ten years. A decade.

What her parents have missed. They don’t know this poised,
eloquent, caring woman who volunteers with the animal
shelter and works for an architect. They don’t know her
hopes and dreams, her struggles and successes. They don’t
know their child’s life. Because they are missing in her life.

This holiday season bring your LGBTQ+ loved ones home,

bring their friends as well, start building new memories
around family and holidays. It’s never too soon—and it’s never
too late—to remember that family is forever.

REFERENCES

1. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Suicide

Statistics. [Link] Accessed
on May 25, 2022.

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2. Minino, A. M. (May 2010). Mortality among teenagers
aged 12-19 years: United States, 1999-2006.
Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics,
Data Brief No. 37. Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention. [Link]
databriefs/[Link]

3. SPEAK: Suicide Prevention Awareness Education for

Kids. Suicide facts. [Link]
[Link].

4. Virupaksha, H. G., Muralidhar, D., & Ramakrishna, J.

(2016). Suicide and suicidal behavior among
transgender persons. Indian Journal of Psychological
M e d i c i n e , 3 8 ( 6 ) , 5 0 5 – 5 0 9. h t t p s : / / d o i . o r g /
10.4103/0253-7176.194908

5. Family Acceptance Project. (March 25, 2015). Coming

out at school and well-being in young adulthood.
[Link]
out-school-and-well-being-young-adulthood.

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