THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP

THE

OF

Strong personal connections in our lives can provide

much more than simply companionship; friendship can
shape who we are and enhance our overall wellbeing

WORDS JULIE BASSETT & LAURIE NEWMAN

F
riendship is the hardest thing early twenties, friendships can be extensive, part in. We are drawn to people who share
in the world to explain. It’s not part of a larger network of acquaintances and the same interests and who have similar life
something you learn in school. connections to have fun with. And then, as experiences to ourselves, which is why most
But if you haven’t learned the we get older, it shi#s again. Our friendships of our friends are in the same environment
meaning of friendship, you are refined as we navigate through our as us and broadly the same age. We also
really haven’t learned anything.” working lives, marriages, children and gravitate towards friends who share our
Those are the wise words of Muhammad reduced social time. If we’re really lucky, there ideologies and beliefs.
Ali, who understood both the importance might even be friends that make it through all In addition, we select some friends based
of friendship in our lives, as well as the these stages of life, their stories interwoven on our own individual preferences. This can
difficulty of putting what ‘friendship’ means tightly with our own. overlap with our environmental situations,
into words. It’s a mutual affection shared especially if we’re actively pursuing an
between two people who care for and How we make friends interest and hoping to meet others in the area
respect one another. Your closest friends are All of these different friendships that we who share the same interest. But thanks to
those you can rely on in times of need, who forge throughout our lives play a purpose, the internet, we can also ‘meet’ people who
you can laugh with, whose company you and ultimately help to shape the person share these same interests online, and over
enjoy and who you communicate with on we become. But they will all have certain time they can become true friends.
a regular basis. elements in common. We usually form
Our concept of friendship changes friendships based on two key factors: our Types of friendship groups
over time. As small children, it’s environment and our individual preferences. Many studies have investigated the
not uncommon to make friends We tend to make friends by being in the different models of friendship that we may
with strangers in the park a#er same place, both literally and figuratively. experience. One such study, by Dartmouth
just minutes of sharing the Our first friends tend to be those people that sociology professor Janice McCabe, found
slide. Best friends can we are at nursery or preschool with, or the that there were three distinct models of
change at school with children of our parents’ friends. Throughout friendship types. While her research related
dizzying regularity. school, most of our friends are also our to college students, it’s thought to likely be
In the social peak classmates, and later college friends, room representative of the wider population.
of our teenage mates and work colleagues. We might meet First there is the ‘Tight-knitter’, who is
years and people through clubs and hobbies we take someone with a very dense group of friends,

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who all know each other and are all closely ourselves means that we can get the most social network of a specific size. He set the
connected. It’s thought that this type of group out of our friendships. number of people we can meaningfully have
is excellent for social support, but can be a connection with at 150. Through extensive
quite fragile, with disputes between members How many friends can we handle? studies of both contemporary and historical
of the group affecting everyone and changing There may be limits to how many friends data, Dunbar found that 150 was consistently
the dynamics. we can sustain. According to British the maximum number a social group would
Second is the ‘Compartmentaliser’, who anthropologist Robin Dunbar, we’re reach before it either collapsed or split off into
has several clusters of different friendship hardwired to only be able to process a different factions.
groups. Most of us probably identify with
this category, having groups of friends
we’ve known since school, work friends and
friends from our clubs or hobbies. This can
Good friendships might
be a useful setup, as we turn to the different
clusters to meet different needs.
Last is the ‘Sampler’, who tends to have
even help you to live longer
one-on-one friendships with a number of
individuals, rather than groups of people.
This can make a Sampler feel somewhat
socially isolated and lacking a sense of
belonging. That said, Samplers are o"en quite
DIGITAL RELATIONSHIPS:
independent, not reliant on a group for their
self-worth or personal success.
Whether you prefer group interactions and
A NEW MODEL OF
events, or one-to-one chats over coffee, when
it comes to your personal style of friendships,
FRIENDSHIP?
the group that you most identify with can
tell you a lot about yourself. The type of
friendship style we’re drawn to is linked to
our own personality and behaviour, and If Dunbar is right and we can only handle 150 personal connections
identifying the types of friendships that we
have can reveal a lot.
at any one time, then where does social media fit in? We might have
Someone who is quite introverted is less hundreds or even thousands of connections on these networks. It’s
likely to have big groups of friends, preferring thought that the brain can differentiate between the online chats we
instead to have meaningful one-on-one have with acquaintances and our face-to-face social interactions,
connections. These can be less draining and but it still requires some of our cognitive power. This means that we
more manageable for those who like the
could be expending some of our ‘friendship energy’ on these online
company of others in calmer environments
and who feel lost in big groups – even those connections, rather than nurturing our physical friendships.
made up of friends. For someone who is Being online also takes up valuable time, leaving us with fewer
more extroverted, having the chance to meet opportunities to invest in our real-life relationships. This could, over
up with lots of friends at one time is exciting time, erode the strength of our face-to-face friendships. While social
and pleasurable, energising and enjoyable. media certainly has its place to help us feel connected, ensure that it
It might be that you like a bit of both – large
social engagements and smaller meet ups
isn’t taking away from your real-world relationships, as these bonds
with friends individually. Being true to have the greatest positive effects on your wellbeing.
 THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP

with more social support in their lives are

more likely to make it to an older age. The
results of some studies even suggest that
breast cancer survival rates are higher in
patients who have large social networks they
can depend on for support.

Friends with benefits

There are practical benefits to having friends
that can also impact your overall health and

MALE VS
FEMALE
This might seem a lot, and you’d probably Oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the
FRIENDSHIP
struggle to name 150 people off the top of brain’s pituitary gland. This molecule is
your head, but this is the total number of o"en referred to by the somewhat twee
personal connections that you could have in nicknames ‘the cuddle hormone’ or ‘the
your life. This figure comprises an estimated love hormone’. Its effects are better known In general, there are some
five loved ones (such as immediate family in women, as oxytocin is essential in the differences between male and
or best friends), 15 close friends, a further process of childbirth and nursing, as well
female friendships, though the
50 friends, and our more casual friendships as helping to form the mother-child bond.
make up the total of 150 meaningful contacts. The same hormone is released in men too, overall benefits on our health
Taking the theory further, you then might which is one of the reasons that skin-to-skin and wellbeing are much the
have some 500 acquaintances and 1,500 contact is so encouraged when their child same. Male-to-male friendships
faces you can recognise. This is a range of is born. Oxytocin is an important factor in are o"en formed more around
values, and depending on personality type, building strong relationships, and enhances a shared activity and tend to be
you might have much lower numbers, or bonding and loyalty to our partners. It is
have more people in the early circles and also very important to our social bonding
less intimate. However, they are
far fewer as you expand outwards. This and friendships as it plays a role in the more robust, as male friends are
whole theory is related to the ‘social brain development of trust. more likely to retain friendships
hypothesis’. Dunbar argues that the reason Another hormone that plays a role in our a"er a disagreement, for example.
primates have unusually large brain sizes in friendships is progesterone. It’s also thought Male groups of friends can be
relation to body size is in order to manage when you feel emotionally close to a friend,
more tribal, meeting up in larger
these complex social systems – friendships your progesterone levels are increased,
are cognitively demanding. which leads to improved wellbeing, and groups rather than one on one.
The matter of who falls into which of reduced stress and anxiety. It also helps to Female-to-female friendships
these social circles o"en comes down to our create strong bonds between friends, which however, tend to be based more on
frequency of communication with them. is why you and your friends feel protective support, intimacy and connection.
Those you make time for are likely to be your of one another. According to the NHS UK, Women are more likely to want
closest friends. The less you communicate stress can cause physical symptoms (such
with someone, the further outside your as headaches, muscle tension and stomach
to spend one-on-one time with a
meaningful contacts they are likely to be. problems); mental symptoms (difficulty friend, to have time to chat and
“What determines these layers in real life, concentrating, feeling overwhelmed, communicate their thoughts and
in the face-to-face world… is the frequency at worrying); and changes in behaviour feelings. Women tend to require
which you see people,” says Dunbar. “You’re (irritability, sleep problems, changes in more communication with each
having to make a decision every day about appetite, avoiding people). Therefore, having
other to maintain a friendship,
how you invest what time you have available strong friendships in your life can help us
for social interaction, and that’s limited.” to manage these symptoms by improving and these relationships can be
our stress control. The simple act of having more fragile if there is a dispute.
Impact on health and wellbeing someone you trust to talk to when you are However, female connections are
Dunbar also stated in a later review that: worried or overwhelmed can have a big effect emotionally stronger and the bond
“Friendship is the single most important on your wellbeing. is greater. This doesn’t apply to all
factor influencing our health, wellbeing and One study found that strong social bonds
happiness.” It’s no surprise then that those can also help you to stay sharper as you get
friendships, of course, since all our
who are lonely are more prone to depression older. Improved cognitive function in later life connections are unique, but these
and other mental health conditions. has been observed in those with high-quality common traits have been observed
But how can something as simple as social relationships and friendships. Added in a number of studies.
friendship have such a profound effect on to that, good friendships might actually help
us? In part, it’s down to our brain chemistry. you to live longer too. It’s thought that those

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wellbeing. For example, if you want to start a keep our stress levels in check, lower blood as us, which helps us to validate our thoughts,
new exercise regime, you are far more likely pressure, maintain a healthy weight, sleep opinions and beliefs, giving us confidence
to stick to it if you have a friend by your side. better and much more. All of which improves and self-esteem. Our friends see us as who we
Or if we see a friend getting positive results our health, wellbeing and mental state. truly are, as we’re less likely to put up barriers
from a new diet, we may feel more motivated Of course, the flipside to this is that we are or adopt a persona around those we feel most
to follow their example. We’ve already just as likely to mimic negative behaviours comfortable with, which is very liberating.
established that our brains are hard-wired in our friends. If this is the case, it’s worth With such positive effects to having good
to release hormones that promote trust and considering whether such friendships are still friendships, it’s important then to nurture
bonding in friendships, which means that healthy – or do the negative habits they bring those bonds with the people closest to us. It’s
we’re more likely to mimic behaviours in into our lives inhibit our personal goals? said that losing a good friendship is akin to
those closest to us. Another positive benefit of friendships is the grief of losing a loved one or a break-up
This can have a significant effect on our that they teach us a lot about ourselves. We with a romantic partner. Spend time with
lifestyle. Whether the goal is to lose weight, o"en recognise certain traits in our friends your friends, message them to check they are
get stronger, eat better or engage in more that we find attractive, and from that we can okay and show how much you value them,
self-care activities, we’re far more likely to start to build a picture of the kind of person and you will continue to reap the rewards of
succeed if we’re doing it with our friends. In that we are or that we want to be. We o"en the strong, positive friendships that you have
turn, these positive behaviours can help to select friends who represent the same values forged over the years.

LETTING GO OF FRIENDS
As we embark on life’s journey, we meet a lot of people along the way,
but having too many friends can be exhausting

Too often
O
ver the course of your acquaintances and life-long companions?
lifetime you will, without a And why should you hold on to some and
doubt, meet a lot of people. As not others?
we hold on we navigate our way through
life, some of these people The three types of friendships
to friendships we meet will end up becoming our friends.
Friendships can form when we meet people
According to Aristotle we have three types of
friendships: friendships of utility, friendships

that no longer at various stages of our lives, including when

we go to school and university, when we
of pleasure and friendships of virtue.
Friendships of utility are relationships that

serve us start a new job, or when we participate

in hobbies. But what really defines a true
friend? What are the differences between
have a mutual benefit to both parties and
they are the more functional out of the three.
For example, these could be a neighbour

GET TO KNOW YOURSELF

The one person who you need to get to know the most is yourself.
Spending some quality time in your own company is one of the best
ways that you can truly understand what makes you happy and what
makes your soul sing. When we have too many friends, we frequently
neglect our own problems as we become overwhelmed with everyone
else’s. We put our own problems and worries on the backburner – but
this is wrong and this is when things can get a bit too much. Take
a moment to organise and reflect on your own journey, and stop
worrying about everyone else. Why not take a walk to your local park
or spend an hour doing something you love solitary, such as baking or
making music.

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LET IT
FIZZLE
OUT

Ending a friendship is never

an easy task, but if you have
identified a friendship that is no
that feeds your dog or a customer at work. you free from the unwanted pressure of longer serving you, then it’s one
Friendships of pleasure form when someone trying to juggle your time between too many that needs to be accomplished.
shares the same interests as you. Finally, people. Pause for a moment and think about One way of cu"ing someone out
friendships of virtue are based on mutual how you feel. Do you feel as though you are of your life is by slowly reducing
respect and compassion, and usually form spreading yourself too thin? Do you want to
over a long period of time. These friendships invest more energy and time into people that
contact and the amount of time
are based on the idea that you share similar matter to you? Then it’s time to have a reshuffle you are spending with that
values and aspirations, and they can develop within your friendship circle and direct your person. Start by not organising
from as early as school years. But how are attention to the people who actually benefit to meet up as frequently, and
we meant to lead a balanced lifestyle with so your life. avoid texting back as o!en.
many friendship circles? And is it possible to
It might not be easy and you
have too many friends? The numbers game
Too o!en we hold on to friendships that no When considering Dunbar’s stance that we will inevitably miss that person
longer serve us, which is why it is important have 150 meaningful connections, 50 friends, from time to time, but just keep
to take a step back every now and again to 15 close friends and five loved ones, your true reminding yourself of why you’ve
re-evaluate and ask yourself whether that friends who are there for you through thick decided to let go.
friendship is of benefit to you. You have and thin are those you would include in this
to ask yourself some key questions: Is this magic number five.
friendship making me happy? Is this person Take a moment and think about these five
worthy of my precious time? ultimate best friends, and ask yourself friends make you happy and concentrate
whether you are spending enough time with on building stronger bonds. Focus on these
Time to let go them. Dunbar believes that one of the main small, intimate groups of friends and be
Maybe you can identify a relationship that is reasons we should declutter and refine our confident when you decide to walk away
not making you happy and you frequently friendships is so that we can ensure our time from the relationships that are no longer
leave their company feeling sad. Perhaps you is being shared in an effective and manageable working. You will find you will become
have a toxic friendship that leads to way. Having a small, intimate group of friends happier, more energised and better at
arguments and constant negativity. We hold means that you can hone in on why these managing your time.
on to certain friends for a number of reasons,
but a common one is because of time. If
we have invested significant time into a
relationship, we stick with it. But whether
you’ve been friends for one month or ten
years, if that relationship isn’t adding anything
to your life, why waste any more time trying
AVOID TOXIC PEOPLE
to fix it? Maybe you make an effort with
someone and this isn’t reciprocated – these
one-sided friendships can leave you feeling
exhausted. Like unnecessary objects in your At some stage in our lives, we will inevitably meet someone toxic.
home, it is possible and even recommended to Toxic people are draining and negative, and o!en the kinds of people
cull your friends. who require too much energy and time. They are easy to identify
because they can leave you feeling anxious and sad. These are
Less is more
Focusing on the people that matter the most
the friends that we need to step away from. You can tell them your
is a step in the right direction. We need to free intentions by simply explaining to them face to face your reasons and
© Ge!y Images / cienpies

ourselves of the stress that is caused by walking away with your head held high. Be clear in the direction you
trying to people-please, and instead focus on are going in and walk away from people who don’t make you happy.
those people who make us happy. Choosing
to have fewer, more valuable friends leaves

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