Topic: In the last decade, there has been a great increase in the number and variety of online courses
available to adults. This has been welcomed as a great opportunity by many students, however, other
students see these courses as less effective than classroom teaching.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of studying an online course?
Corrected Essay:
Original-INTRO Corrected-INTRO
In recent years, distance teaching and learning has In recent years, distance teaching and learning has
become increasingly popular among the
become increasingly popular among the students students, and this trend is perceived differently by
learners. Many students perceive this it as a
and this is perceived differently by learners. Many beneficial aid an improvement in
learning techniques, while others think that they
students perceive this as a beneficial aid in are it is not as much effective as
classroom teaching learning. This essay will
learning while others think that they are not as discuss about the merits and demerits of distant
learning/correspondence learning.
much effective as classroom teaching. This essay
will discuss about the merits and demerits of
distant learning.
In the first sentence, since you use the word “has”, you can only write “distance learning” (singular), not
“distance teaching and learning” (plural).
You only mention students in the first sentence, so talking about “teaching” is inappropriate. If you had
mentioned both the teachers and students, then “distance teaching and learning” would have been a fine
approach.
“And this is perceived differently by learners.” It is unclear whether “this” could be interpreted as which
object. This kind of mistake is called “unclear antecedent”, and I suggest you write more clearly.
Generally, English speakers do not say “beneficial aid”. And it is usually used as “financial assistance”,
rather than “improvement”
Remember to put a comma before a subordinate conjunction (“and”), or a relative pronoun (“which”).
“to discuss” does not go with a preposition.
The last sentence in this introduction is decent. The author has written a concise thesis statement. He also
does not state his own opinion, which is good since it isn’t required by the topic question.
Good use of lexical resource here: “distance learning”, “classroom teaching”.
Original - BODY 1 Corrected- BODY 1
Studying an online course provides a flexible Studying in an online course provides a
flexible timing schedule and
timing and less budgeted learning for students. less budgeted expense learning for the students.
They are able to learn their desire desired course
They are able to learn their desire course and and subjects on their suitable time. This gives a
great opportunity for learners to gain new skills
subjects on their suitable time. This gives a great and strengthen accumulate their knowledge level,
while still staying in their own place. For instance,
opportunity for learners to gain new skills and a Nepali student who wants an Australian degree in
business management course does not have to stay
strengthen their knowledge level staying in their in Australia, because he can study online and
complete course by staying at his home. Hence,
own place. For instance, a Nepali student who distant learning is economic economically
efficient and time saving time-saving.
wants an Australian degree in business
management course does not have to stay in
Australia, he can study online and complete course
staying at his home. Hence, distant learning is
economic and time saving.
“Timing” as a noun is only used as “a particular moment”, not “a schedule”. On the other hand, the verb “to
time” can be used as “to plan a schedule”.
You should learn more synonyms of “schedule”. You are showing your weak point in Lexical Resources
here.
The correct collocation here is “to accumulate knowledge”, not “to strengthen knowledge”.
Don’t forget the hyphen in the word “time-saving”
Forget to use prepositions and/or articles will make it hard to you to get above 7 in Grammatical Range &
Accuracy.
While the author has written a good topic sentence, his idea and evidence are repetitive in this paragraph.
Original - BODY 2 Corrected- BODY 2
However, online courses give more emphasis on However, online courses give more emphasis on
the theoretical part of learning and there is
the theoretical part of learning and there is less
less teacher and student teacher-student interaction.
teacher and student interaction. It lacks the
It lacks the practical aspects of learning
practical aspects of learning and encourage the and encourage encourages the passive
learning. This is very obvious that As a
passive learning. This is very obvious that students
result, students find it as a less effective
find it as a less effective learning than in the
learning method than that of in the classroom. A
classroom. A recent study suggests that a greater recent study suggests that a greater number of
students found classroom teaching far more
number of students found classroom teaching far
effective than the distance learning teaching.
more effective than the distance learning.
Good coherence. The second body paragraph is used solely to support the notion of classroom learning,
while the first one is for e-learning. And the paragraph structure is decent.
Avoid using phrase like “a recent study”. Which study is the author referring to? It is advisable not to get
reference in the exam.
There are many grammar mistakes throughout the whole essay.
Good lexical resource: teacher-student interaction, practical aspects of learning, passive learning.
Original - CONCLUSION Corrected - CONCLUSION
In conclusion, the ever growing availability of In conclusion, the ever growing availability of
online learning has gained its popularity among the
online learning has gained its popularity among
young adults for many years, which is perceived as
the young adults for many years, which is
beneficial by many people while others find it to be
perceived as beneficial by many people while less effective. The emphasis can be given to its
effectiveness to establish it as the most a more cost
others find it to be less effective. The emphasis can
effective cost-effective learning method than the
be given to its effectiveness to establish it as the
classroom teaching.
most cost effective learning than the classroom
teaching.
The last sentence is very wordy and ungrammatical. In addition, it is not a good conclusion, due to the fact
that the author does not mention the idea of teacher-student interaction. If the author only supports the
argument for e-learning, then it looks like he is giving his own opinion - which isn’t required. Stay faithful
to your ideas and evidence.
“more than”, not “most than”.
Words: 271
Overall: 7.0
Task Response: 7
✓ addresses all parts of the task (the author writes more than 250 words)
✓ presents a clear position throughout the response (the conclusion is kinda unclear, but overall the
author has done well)
✓ presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or
supporting ideas may lack focus (the author has provided evidences and/or examples for his
arguments)
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
✓ logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
✓ uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-
use(the author needs to use more connectives and less “this is”)
✓ presents a clear central topic within each paragraph (the author has done well on this part)
Lexical Resource: 7
✓ uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
✓ uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation (various mistakes in
terms of collocation makes it impossible to rate this criterion more than 7)
✓ may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication (there are
only 2 error-free sentences in the whole essay, so it’s impossible to give a 7+ score on this criterion)
Buying things on the Internet, such as books, air tickets and groceries, is becoming more and more
popular.
Do the advantages of shopping in this way outweigh the disadvantages?
Corrected Essay:
Original-INTRO Corrected-INTRO
With the advent of technological advancement, With the advent of technological advancement, the
21st century has witnessed a boom in e-commerce
21st century has witnessed a boom in e-
the number of online shopping websites is
commerce. The number of online shopping increasing exponentially. Shopping online has its
upsides and downsides but the positives of this
websites is increasing exponentially. Shopping
technological blessing far outweighs its negatives.
online has its upsides and downsides but the The positive impacts on online shopping undermine
its negative sides because the advanced technology
positives of this technological blessing far
can save our time and give more options for
outweighs its negatives. purchasing.
It is important to tell what you are going to talk about and where you are positioning on the views.
Phrases ‘a boom in e commerce’ and ‘is increasing exponentially’ have similar meaning. It is better to keep
it in short, but clear sentence.
Original - BODY 1 Corrected - BODY 1
Firstly, online shopping saves one from travel Firstly, online shopping saves one from travel and
traffic problems. Online shopping does not require
and traffic problems. I live in the outskirts of
people to travel. I live in the outskirts of Karachi
Karachi and commuting to the city for buying and commuting to the city for buying stuff is not an
easy task for me. Further, Karachi is an overly-
stuff is not an easy task for me. Further,
populated city with the worst traffic situation, all
Karachi is an overly-populated city with the this makes it more difficult to travel. As living in
Karachi, an over-populated city with its congestion
worst traffic situation, all this makes it more
problems, many citizens like me have to overcome
difficult to travel. This problem is hugely difficult situation only for buying stuff in the city
centre. This problem is hugely resolved by the e-
resolved by the e-buying facility. Everything is
buying facility. Everything is simply a click away,
simply a click away, whether it is groceries, air whether it is groceries, air tickets, clothes or books.
Whatever I order is duly received at my doorstep,
tickets, clothes or books. Whatever I order is
without my having to embark on long, hectic
duly received at my doorstep, without my shopping-trips. This platform enables consumers
to experience shopping activities in simple ways.
having to embark on long, hectic shopping-
Take the biggest e-commerce in the world, eBay
trips. which provides wide varieties of products such as
books, air tickets, groceries, and fashion items, for
example. If eBay was never exist before, buyers
might have to spend longer times taking long trips
to get their shopping lists. (This example tells about
how an effective shopping is advantageous as a
time saver.)
Firstly is omitted as the topic sentence is not too clear enough to represent the main idea.
The use of ‘I’ in your example does not cover people’ problems in general, so I have changed ‘I’ into ‘many
citizen like me’
Everything is simply a click away needs to be elaborated. Please see the changes.
You only mention groceries, air tickets, clothes or books without giving explanation. If you want to score
higher, it is your task to present your ideas in details. I have made some detailed explanations with this.
Original - BODY 2 Corrected - BODY 2
Secondly, buying things on the internet provides Secondly, Another benefit is that buying
you with a wide range of options. Consider yourself things items on the internet serves unlimited
in a gigantic super-mart having access to every choices provides you with a wide range of options.
Consider yourself in a gigantic super-mart having
type of item you can imagine! On the internet there
access to every type of item you can imagine! On
is no physical space limitation, therefore the the internet there is no physical space limitation,
variety available for a single item is endless. Also, therefore the variety available for a single item is
there are countless websites where you can endless. Also, there are countless websites where
compare product prices, specifications, extra consumers can compare product prices,
features, deals and a lot more. One such website is specifications, extra features, and (discount) deals
[Link], where you can select an item and and a lot more. One such website is [Link],
where people can select an item and compare it
compare it with similar items of other brands for
with similar items of other brands for specifications
specifications and prices. All this not only provides and prices. All this not only provides convenience
convenience to customers but also exposes them to to customers but also exposes them to a very huge
a very huge market for buying the most appropriate market for buying the most appropriate item.
item.
You need to link both main ideas in the first sentence using transitional phrase. But remember, reliance too
much on this will score you lower. Use them when necessary.
The word ‘things’ is a weak lexical resource. It is better to use some alternative vocabs like stuff, items,
daily needs, etc.
A wide range of options have been mentioned in the intro, you need to paraphrase it. Serves unlimited
choices.
You do not need to use exclamation mark. Present your sentence in a smooth way.
Consider yourself in a gigantic super-mart having access to every type of item you can imagine!. This
sentence also does not make a sense.
And a lot more is vague. You’d better omit this phrase.
Original - CONCLUSION Corrected - CONCLUSION
In conclusion, it can be unambiguously agreed In conclusion, it can be unambiguously agreed
upon it is true that the advancement in e-buying has
upon that the advancement in e-buying has
resulted in convenience for buyers. One only has to
resulted in convenience for buyers. One only select and order an item and it arrives at his
doorstep. Also, the available options for a single
has to select and order an item and it arrives
commodity are endless, so that a person can
at his doorstep. Also, the available options for compare and buy the best.
a single commodity are endless, so that a
OR:
person can compare and buy the best.
In conclusion, the disadvantages of e-commerce
trend are overshadowed by the benefits resulting
from modern technology. I am convinced that
online shopping is one of great innovations of
people doing transaction as it reduces time and
provides more options.
In conclusion, it can be unambiguously agreed upon it is true that the advancement in e-buying has resulted
in convenience for buyers. One only has to select and order an item and it arrives at his doorstep. Also, the
available options for a single commodity are endless, so that a person can compare and buy the best.
You have to summarise your main points and reiterate your opinion. Some ideas presented are sidetrack.
Your opinion does not state your opinion clearly.
It can be unambiguously agreed upon is counted as 6 words. It is always good to be succinct and keep
straight to the point.
Let me give you an example of this:
Words: 303
Overall: 6.5
·
Task Response: 7
✓ addresses all parts of the task (the author wrote 303 words)
✗ presents a clear position throughout the response (the way you present your idea in the intro is too
generic)
✓ presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or
supporting ideas may lack focus
·
Coherence and Cohesion: 6
✓ arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or
mechanical
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
✗ uses paragraphing, but not always logically ( missing links between intro and conclusion)
Lexical Resource: 7
✓uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
✓uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
✓may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
✓ uses a variety of complex structures
✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences
✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s development while others think
that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your
own opinion.
Corrected essay:
Original-INTRO Corrected-INTRO
There is one view that suggests that children There is One view that suggests that children
should be taught at home for their better should be taught at home for their better
development, while there is another view that
development, while there is another view that suggests claims that it is essential for them to attend
suggests that it is essential for them to attend school. There are benefits attached to both views.
school. There are benefits attached to both views.
Youngsters who go going to school often develop
better social skills and life skills, and they get better
Youngsters who go to school often develop better prepared for future jobs. On the contrary,
social skills, and they get better prepared for future children these contrast to those who are taught at
home receive receiving better attention.
jobs. On the contrary, children who are taught at
home receive better attention.
Some phrases like “there is”, “suggest”, and “on the contrary, children” are omitted as those are too bulky
and sounds repetitive.
This phrase: There are benefits attached to both views has been deleted, as too generic.
It is always good to include your opinion towards both issues in this opening paragraph.
Original - BODY 1 Corrected - BODY 1
Children who study in school tend to develop good Children who study studying in school tend to
social skills. A child studying in school interacts develop good social skills as A child studying in
school they could interacts with their
with different children. The young one learns to peers different children. The young one learns to
share things and how to work together. share things values and how to work together.
Furthermore, apart from the classmates, the child
Furthermore, Apart from the classmates, the
child they also gets the opportunity to interact with
also gets the opportunity to interact with various various people, such as teachers, workers,
people, such as teachers, workers, janitors and janitors and supporting staff of the school. This
means, meaning that the child learns how to meet
supporting staff of the school. This means the child
and behave with other people, [Link] who are
learns how to meet and behave with other people, older than them.
too.
The phrases: workers, janitors, have been omitted as those meanings are too close with supporting staff of
the school.
Instead of using “things” showing your weak point in Lexical Resources here, you’d better use values.
I have changed other people into those who are older than them as the former phrases contain redundant
information.
Original - BODY 2 Corrected - BODY 2
In addition to the above, schools also prepare In addition to the above, Schools also prepare
youngsters for future. School’s rules and youngsters for future. School’s rules and
regulations, such as dress code and timings,
regulations, such as dress code and timings, somewhat resemble with the code of conduct of
somewhat resemble with the code of conduct of jobs. Hence, the youngsters attending the school
jobs. Hence, the youngsters attending the school
know well about the acceptable behavior in offices.
Furthermore, they also Again, learn learning to how
know well about the acceptable behavior in offices. to live without parents which will helps them about
Furthermore, they also learn to how to live without responsibility. They will practice being independent
in future when they will leave their parents’ house
parents which will help them in future when they
to live in college’ dormitories.
will leave their parents’ house to live in college’
dormitories.
In addition to the above and also cannot be put in the same sentence as those have the same meaning. To
avoid being repetitive, you need to omit one of them.
Original - BODY 3 Corrected - BODY 3
Those children who are taught at home benefit Those children who are taught at home benefit from
from getting a proper attention from the teacher. getting a proper attention from the teacher. These
children easily understand whatever they are taught,
These children easily understand whatever they hence, their understanding and learning skills
are taught, hence, their understanding and develop better than those who attend school. On
learning skills develop better than those who
the other hand, home schooling brings a major
benefit to children needing individual attention and
attend school. encouragement. If one child needs extra helps with
math, for example, the private teacher could set
schedule for such subjects and time allotted to
teach this kid. This will reduce the pressure by a
child suffering from math’s difficulties, and
therefore would enjoy the lesson at home.
The fourth paragraph is lacks of supporting details. Asking journalistic questions: the 5 W's and H will help
you assess most situations, whether you are creating claim, evidence, and/ or explanation as to support your
topic sentence in this paragraph.
The first and second sentences beat around the bush. No overall progression is seen in this paragraph.
Original - CONCLUSION Corrected - CONCLUSION
To sum up, though there are some advantages in In conclusion/To sum up, Though there are some
teaching children at home, but the advantages of advantages in teaching children at home, but the
advantages of sending children to school exceeds
sending children to school exceeds than teaching than those of teaching children at home. Thus, I am
children at home. Thus, I am of the view that it is of the view that it is important to I agree
important to send the children to school because
that send sending the children to school because
they will help them develop such aforementioned
they will develop such skills which are necessary skills which are necessary to survive in today’s
to survive in today’s world. world.
You need to use a concluding signal, such as in conclusion, to sum up and any other expressions to show
that you are about to end your essay.
Which are necessary has been omitted as this only repeats on the previous phrase: important
(Words: 325)
Overall: 6.5
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/ unclear (paragraph 4 is not well-
developed)
Coherence and Cohesion: 6
× arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression (no writer’s opinion
towards the intro and body paragraphs)
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or
mechanical
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
✓ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (lack of good supporting evidence for the argument)
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
✓ uses a variety of complex structures
✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences
✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors