Exercise 1

How would you treat a friend?

Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:

1. First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is
really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation
(especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what
you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.

2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do
you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you
typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into
play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

4. Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in
the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?

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 Exercise 2
Self-Compassion Break

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress.
Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional
discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1.  This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

• This hurts.
• Ouch.
• This is stress.

2. Suffering in a part of life

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

• Other people feel this way.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch
of your hands on your chest.
Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to
myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

• May  I  give  myself  the  compassion  that  I  need  

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the
three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

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 Exercise 3

Exploring self-compassion through writing

Part One:

Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to

feel shame, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” It is the human condition to be imperfect,

and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living a human life. Try

writing about an issue you have that tends to make you feel inadequate or bad about yourself

(physical appearance, work or relationship issues…) What emotions come up for you when you

think about this aspect of yourself? Try to just feel your emotions exactly as they are – no more,

no less – and then write about them.

Part Two:

Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind and

compassionate. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses,

including the aspect of yourself you have just been writing about. Reflect upon what this friend

feels towards you, and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your very

human imperfections. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature, and is kind and

forgiving towards you. In his/her great wisdom this friend understands your life history and the

millions of things that have happened in your life to create you as you are in this moment. Your

particular inadequacy is connected to so many things you didn’t necessarily choose: your genes,

your family history, life circumstances – things that were outside of your control.

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Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend – focusing on the

perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about

your “flaw” from the perspective of unlimited compassion? How would this friend convey the

deep compassion he/she feels for you, especially for the pain you feel when you judge yourself

so harshly? What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that

all people have both strengths and weaknesses? And if you think this friend would suggest

possible changes you should make, how would these suggestions embody feelings of

unconditional understanding and compassion? As you write to yourself from the perspective of

this imaginary friend, try to infuse your letter with a strong sense of his/her acceptance, kindness,

caring, and desire for your health and happiness.

After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back and read it again, really

letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you

like a cool breeze on a hot day. Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright. To claim

them you need only look within yourself.

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 Exercise 4

The criticizer, the criticized, and the compassionate observer

This exercise is modeled on the two-chair dialogue studied by Gestalt therapist Leslie Greenberg.

In this exercise, clients sit in different chairs to help get in touch with different, often conflicting

parts of their selves, experiencing how each aspect feels in the present moment.

To begin, put out three empty chairs, preferably in a triangular arrangement. Next, think

about an issue that often troubles you, and that often elicits harsh self-criticism. Designate one

chair as the voice of your inner self-critic, one chair as the voice of the part of you that feels

judged and criticized, and one chair as the voice of a wise, compassionate observer. You are

going to be role-playing all three parts of yourself - you, you, and you. It may feel a bit silly at

first, but you may be surprised at what comes out once you really start letting your feelings flow

freely.

1) Think about your “issue,” and then sit in the chair of the self-critic. As you take your seat,

express out loud what the self-critical part of you is thinking and feeling. For example “I hate

that fact that you’re such a whimp and aren’t self-assertive.” Notice the words and tone of voice

the self-critical part of you uses, and also how it is feeling. Worried, angry, self-righteous,

exasperated? Note what your body posture is like. Strong, rigid, upright? What emotions are

coming up for you right now?

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2) Take the chair of the criticized aspect of yourself. Try to get in touch with how you feel

being criticized in this manner. Then verbalize how you feel, responding directly to your inner

critic. For example, “I feel so hurt by you” or “I feel so unsupported.” Just speak whatever

comes into your mind. Again, notice the tone of your voice? Is it sad, discouraged, childlike,

scared, helpless? What is your body posture like? Are you slumped, downward facing,

frowning?

3) Conduct a dialogue between these two parts of yourself for a while, switching back and forth

between the chair of the criticizer and the criticized. Really try to experience each aspect of

yourself so each knows how the other feels. Allow each to fully express its views and be heard.

4) Now occupy the chair of the compassionate observer. Call upon your deepest wisdom, the

wells of your caring concern, and address both the critic and the criticized. What does your

compassionate self say to the critic, what insight does it have? For example, “You sound very

much like your mother” or, “I see that you’re really scared, and you’re trying to help me so I

don’t mess up.” What does your compassionate self say to the criticized part of yourself? For

example, “It must be incredibly difficult to hear such harsh judgment day after day. I see that

you’re really hurting” or “All you want is to be accepted for who you are.” Try to relax, letting

your heart soften and open. What words of compassion naturally spring forth? What is the tone

of your voice? Tender, gentle, warm? What is your body posture like - balanced, centered,

relaxed?

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5) After the dialogue finishes (stop whenever it feels right), reflect upon what just happened.

Do you have any new insights into how you treat yourself, where your patterns come from, new

ways of thinking about the situation that are more productive and supportive? As you think

about what you have learned, set your intention to relate to yourself in a kinder, healthier way in

the future. A truce can be called in your inner war. Peace is possible. Your old habits of self-

criticism don’t need to rule you forever. What you need to do is listen to the voice that’s already

there, even if a bit hidden - your wise, compassionate self.

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 Exercise 5

Changing your critical self-talk

This exercise should be done over several weeks, and will eventually form the blueprint for

changing how you relate to yourself long-term. Some people find it useful to work on their inner

critic by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you

are someone who likes to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent

tool for transformation. If you are someone (like me) who never manages to be consistent with a

journal, then do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or think silently.

1) The first step towards changing the way to treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-

critical. It may be that – like many of us - your self-critical voice is so common for you that you

don’t even notice when it is present. Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about

what you’ve just said to yourself. Try to be as accurate as possible, noting your inner speech

verbatim. What words do you actually use when you’re self-critical? Are there key phrases that

come up over and over again? What is the tone of your voice – harsh, cold, angry? Does the

voice remind you of any one in your past who was critical of you? You want to be able to get to

know the inner self-critic very well, and to become aware of when your inner judge is active.

For instance, if you’ve just eaten half a box of Oreo’s, does your inner voice say something like

“you’re so disgusting,” “you make me sick,” and so on? Really try to get a clear sense of how

you talk to yourself.

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2) Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than

self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic!). Say something like “I

know you’re worried about me and feel unsafe, but you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could

you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”

3) Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. If you’re

having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very

compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of

endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care (but only if it feels natural

rather than schmaltzy.) For instance, you can say something like “Darling, I know you ate that

bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad right now and you thought it would cheer you

up. But you feel even worse and are not feeling good in your body. I want you to be happy, so

why don’t you take a long walk so you feel better?” While engaging in this supportive self-talk,

you might want to try gently stroking your arm, or holding your face tenderly in your hands (as

long as no one’s looking). Physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system even

if you’re having trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, releasing oxytocin that will help

change your bio-chemistry. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of

true warmth and caring will eventually follow.

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 Exercise 6

Self-compassion journal

Try keeping a daily self-compassion journal for one week (or longer if you like.)

Journaling is an effective way to express emotions, and has been found to enhance both mental

and physical well-being. At some point during the evening when you have a few quiet moments,

review the day’s events. In your journal, write down anything that you felt bad about, anything

you judged yourself for, or any difficult experience that caused you pain. (For instance, perhaps

you got angry at a waitress at lunch because she took forever to bring the check. You made a

rude comment and stormed off without leaving a tip. Afterwards, you felt ashamed and

embarrassed.) For each event, use mindfulness, a sense of common humanity, and kindness to

process the event in a more self-compassionate way.

Mindfulness. This will mainly involve bring awareness to the painful emotions that arose

due to your self-judgment or difficult circumstances. Write about how you felt: sad, ashamed,

frightened, stressed, and so on. As you write, try to be accepting and non-judgmental of your

experience, not belittling it nor making it overly dramatic. (For example, “I was frustrated

because she was being so slow. I got angry, over-reacted, and felt foolish afterwards.”)

Common Humanity. Write down the ways in which your experience was connected to

the larger human experience. This might include acknowledging that being human means being

imperfect, and that all people have these sorts of painful experiences. (“Everyone over-reacts

sometimes, it’s only human.”) You might also want to think about the various causes and

conditions underlying the painful event. (“My frustration was exacerbated by the fact that I was

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late for my doctor’s appointment across town and there was a lot of traffic that day. If the

circumstances had been different my reaction probably would have been different.”)

Self-Kindness. Write yourself some kind, understanding, words of comfort. Let yourself

know that you care about yourself, adopting a gentle, reassuring tone. (It’s okay. You messed up

but it wasn’t the end of the world. I understand how frustrated you were and you just lost it.

Maybe you can try being extra patient and generous to any wait-staff this week…”)

Practicing the three components of self-compassion with this writing exercise will help

organize your thoughts and emotions, while helping to encode them in your memory. If you

keep a journal regularly, your self-compassion practice will become even stronger and translate

more easily into daily life.

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 Exercise 7

Identifying what we really want

1) Think about the ways that you use self-criticism as a motivator. Is there any personal trait that

you criticize yourself for having (too overweight, too lazy, too impulsive, etc.) because you think

being hard on yourself will help you change? If so, first try to get in touch with the emotional

pain that your self-criticism causes, giving yourself compassion for the experience of feeling so

judged.

2) Next, see if you can think of a kinder, more caring way to motivate yourself to make a change

if needed. What language would a wise and nurturing friend, parent, teacher, or mentor use to

gently point out how your behavior is unproductive, while simultaneously encouraging you to do

something different. What is the most supportive message you can think of that’s in line with

your underlying wish to be healthy and happy?

3) Every time you catch yourself being judgmental about your unwanted trait in the future, first

notice the pain of your self-judgment and give yourself compassion. Then try to reframe your

inner dialogue so that it is more encouraging and supportive. Remember that if you really want

to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear.

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 Exercise 8

Taking care of the caregiver

If you work in a care-giving profession (and that certainly includes being a family member!),

you’ll need to recharge your batteries so you have enough energy available to give to others.

Give yourself permission to meet your own needs, recognizing that this will not only enhance

your quality of life, it will also enhance your ability to be there for those that rely on you. For

instance, you might listen to relaxing music, take a yoga class, hang out with a friend for an

evening, or get a massage.

Of course, sometime our time is limited and we aren’t able to take care of ourselves as much as

we’d like. Also, one limitation of self-care strategies is that they’re “off the job,” and can’t be

done while you’re actually caregiving. Thus, it’s important to also engage in “on the job” self-

care. When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed when with the person you’re caring for, you

might try giving yourself soothing words of support (for example “I know this is hard right now,

and it’s only natural you’re feeling so stressed. I’m here for you.”). Or else you might try using

soothing touch or the self-compassion break. This will allow you to keep your heart open, and

help you care for and nurture yourself at the same time you’re caring for and nurturing others.

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