A Phoenix Centre Fas-trax Booklet

The List of 50
Meeting Your Mate, Finding Your Circle

Wayne C. Allen, [Link].

1999
 © 1999 Wayne C. Allen, M. Th.

The Phoenix Centre Press

94 Arthur Street South
Elmira, Ontario N3 B 2N6
519 - 669 - 8880
e-mail: [Link]
web site: [Link]

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form, or by any
means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying, recording or by any information
storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher.

For information, contact:

The Phoenix Centre for Creative Living

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Waterloo, Ontario N2K 3T6
(800) 220-7749
 Important Information

In 2006, I completely re-wrote this booklet into a book,

Getting EXACTLY the Relationship You Want

I'm leaving this free booklet on my website, in an overview format.

As you read, you'll see references and web links to the new book.
I encourage you to click on the link and have a look.

The new book is 100 pages plus. It contains completely new information about relationships—
things that work, things that don't.
Additional examples of Lists of 50 abound, and the book is structured to help you to get past
unworkable strategies, and to find EXACTLY the person you want.

Check it out here:

[Link]
 Introduction
This booklet follows hot on the heels of “Building Deep and Lasting Relationships,” a source book(let)
for the foundations of powerful relationships. In keeping with Star Wars, Episode 1, this booklet is sort
of a prequel. The next volume will pick up where Relationships left off and will describe
compassionate relationships.

“The List of 50” is a code I use for a project I suggest to clients. Often, following a marriage breakup or
a relationship ending, my clients will make two assumptions:

1) “I’ll never meet anyone, ever again,” and

2) “If I do meet someone, I’m doomed to repeat the mistakes I made the last time.”

Against that background I developed the concept of The List of 50.

You’ll remember from “Relationships” that I talked a bit about sexual attraction being the “thing” that
gets most relationships going. Equally applying to both men and women, there is an initial meeting of
the hormones. Without that initial attraction, it is the rare couple indeed that gets together. (If you
haven’t read our free booklet, “Building Deep and Lasting Relationships,” you should download it from
our web site. You’ll find it at: [Link]

Most relationships begin, then, as observation leading to hormones leading to dating. Initially, there is
little thought about the character, focus, direction and life purpose of our “intended.” Indeed, if we
consider who the person “is” at all, it is at the level of thinking that any “personality quirks” that turn up
can be fixed by asking the person to change. To recap, it’s almost as if we’re saying to ourselves: “Wow,
she’s cute. I really like her. I think I’ll ask her out. If there are other things about her I don’t like, she’ll
change because she’ll love me” And thus the dance begins.

In the early dating stage, we are on best behaviour. We read the other carefully, for signs, for hints, as to
what they want. We attempt to become that kind of person, to provide for their needs, even if it flies in
the face of who we actually are. After six months, the veneer begins to wear off. We start acting more
normal; so does our partner. At this point, there is a rush of disappointment. A sense of being lied to. But
another dumb little voice kicks in and says, “Oh well, I’ve got six months invested in this relationship,
and I may never get another chance, so I’m going to stick around anyway, and just try harder to change
him.”

From that point on, until they wise up and cut it out, there will be a battle, by one or both persons, to
change the other person, to get the other person to behave, to force the other person to be someone they
are not. As this battle is a no-win situation, most relationships continue, forever, to be a battle. Or, the
parties give up and become apathetic. Or, the partners split.

I spend a lot of time with couples who have followed pretty much this course, and end up in my office,
not at the first hint of trouble, but years into the relationship, looking for a way to stop fighting. It is
possible to help such couples to learn to respect each other as persons, and to teach them the techniques
and reasons for excellent communication (as we discussed in “Relationships,”) but the underlying edge,
The List of 50

for most of these couples, is this: “This is not the person I should be in relationship with. I love her, but I
don’t particularly like her. I’m doing this to stop the fighting, make the best of the situation and gain
some energy to get on with the rest of my life.” This is a worthwhile and achievable goal.

(Actually, I suspect that more than “making the best of the situation” is possible, and I’ll discuss that in
the third volume of this series of booklets. I’m projecting mid October 1999 for release.)

However, I couldn’t help but think that there had to be a way to do all of this differently, especially if I
was dealing with a person prior to forming a relationship, or from the place between relationships. I
reasoned that hormones will always be with us and will act as a determinant for the kind of people to
whom we are attracted. But what, I wondered, would happen if people were intentional about thinking
about whom to be in relationship with? What if they decided, in advance, about the communication style
they wanted to have, the life focus and direction their partner would work from?

Let me stick in a caveat here: I’m NOT proposing trying to find clones of ourselves. You know, the
New Age “Oh God, I’ve found my soul mate” bit. “He thinks like me, with both love tofu, he completes
my sentences . . . yada, yada, yada.” This is about finding the kind of person I would choose to be in
challenging, growthful dialogue with for the rest of my life.

I decided to write this booklet for those of you who are “still looking.” What came to me, way back
when, was: we get into weird relationships is because we don’t know, have never thought about, what
characteristics we are looking for in a partner. We thus meet the people we eventually partner with
totally by chance. I developed The List of 50 to counteract our reluctance to think about relationships.
After years of working with this technique, both personally and with my clients, I have seen impressive
results. I now share this concept with you.

In the next chapter, I want to tell you my personal experience with this idea. From there, we’ll move to
other examples, and finally the meat of creating the list — and what you do with it. Lastly, we’ll talk
about an extra benefit of the list — using the list also gets you the friends you’re seeking.

Let’s get to it.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 5 All rights reserved

The List of 50

A Little Theory That Grew

I was late to read The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck’s seminal book. I made up for it by reading
everything he wrote, and attending workshops and lectures he presented. In talking about
enlightenment, Peck came to the conclusion that approximately 5% of the population actually “gets it.”
That is, only 5% of the population figures out the concept of self-responsibility and actually live their
lives following it. Much later, attending workshops with Bennet Wong and Jock McKeen, I heard that
same idea - 5%.

In my private counselling practice, the number held true. 5%. (I’ve always felt that, in terms of my
clients meeting their expectations for therapy, I was getting 95% “success” results. But of that 95%,
only 5% seemed to move beyond what brought them to therapy into an exploration of the bigger
questions of meaning, purpose, self-knowing, becoming whole. It was for that small, select group that I
wrote my book, Living Life in Growing Orbits: 52 weeks to wholeness.”)

When I first began exploring this 5% idea, way back in 1982, I was in my second year of a two-year
Internship, a part of my Masters Degree in Counselling. I had yet to read or meet Scott Peck. Somehow,
I “knew” there was something, though, about building authentic relationships, and about 5%.

It came to me one night, after spending a weekend studying hypnosis in Toronto. I’d been in and out of
trances all weekend (my friends would say, “So what else is new?”), and was slipping in and out quite
easily at home. I asked my internal “wise person” the following question: “Why are so many people
miserable in their relationships?” (You gotta remember: I’m a therapist. Pretty much all I see are lousy
relationships. I know that colours my view, but the 50% divorce rate also has something to do with it.)

I picture my wise person as an old guy with a wicked wit and sense of irony. He never gives me a
straight answer to anything. In this case, he gave me a picture in my head. I saw two lines. I saw a long,
long line of men, and a long, long line of women. (The same rules apply, however, in all relationship
pairings — gay, straight, friends.) The lines were moving, slowly. Eyes to the front, walking forward. I
looked at the front of the line, and watched. As a male and a female reached the front of the line, they
turned to each other, looked each other up and down, smiled, joined hands and walked off into the
sunset.

That was it.

My wise man said, “And thus it is with relationships. Without forethought, it’s the luck of the draw.”

Later that evening, I played the image back. I realized that the long, long lines represented the 95% (the
part of the population that didn’t “get it”) picking the person they were going to spend the rest of their
life with. What was it boiled down to was, “Here I am in line, ready to meet the person I’m going to
spend “eternity” with, and I’m willing to do that with the next available person.” I later modified this to
“If you don’t put effort into who you choose, you get to spend the rest of your life with the next bozo in
line.”

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 6 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Think about it. Think about relationships you’ve been in or may be in now. What were the
characteristics you were looking for in the other person? If you are like the 95%, the characteristics
were: the sex of the person, the “look” of the person, that s/he should be “fun to be with,” “interested in
the same things I am,” “comes from a good family,” and will “love me” (meaning he/she will do what I
want him/her to.) Given the number of people out there running around with someone who is married, I
suspect a lot of people forget to put “single” on the list. (More on that later!)

So, we end up with the next bozo in line. Reason: all the aforementioned description gets you is a person
of a particular sex who looks good to you. Characteristics like “fun to be with” and “interested in the
same things I am” are so vague as to be meaningless (and are uttered by people who have never
articulated what they are interested in, nor what fun means to them.)

Now, lest you think I figured this out easily for myself, let me tell you a little bit about my principal
relationships. (It’s a quite good story about how all of this works, and I don’t embarrass easily . . .)

I am, as of this writing (August 1999) into the 13th year of my third marriage. My partner, Darlene (Dar,
for short) and I have the kind of relationship I wish for all people. Getting myself to her, and mutually
building this relationship took me a while. As this is Dar’s first marriage, we “jokingly” say that she
spent 28 years waiting for me to grow up and figure myself out.

My first marriage happened at the end of my first year in University, in 1969. I still really like her, and
we write to each other once or twice a year, but this was the quintessential “hippie age” wedding thing.
We knew each other for a month, got married, and were divorced in 1971. Interesting, a learning
experience, but not relevant to this discussion.

I returned to University in September of 1971, having resumed dating my High School sweetheart
during summer vacation back home in Buffalo. Soon, it was January of 1972, I wasn’t taking courses
that month, had time on my hands and wandered into the College bookstore. There, (pant, pant) stood
the woman of my dreams (well, at least one of my dreams . . . ) Blonde, blue eyed, 5’ 4”, nice smile,
nice body — and I knew she was smart (she was in College, so I reckoned she was smart1,) and
industrious (she had a job in the book store2,) and she smiled at me and blushed a bit as we chatted in the
line, (so therefore she liked me3.) Her name, I found out, was Sue4, she was studying Audiology and she
thought it was nice to have met me.

I decided, in this order, that a) I wanted to sleep with her, and b) I wanted to date her. I started a
campaign to win her body and mind.

1 Unconfirmed assumption # 1
2 Unconfirmed assumption # 2
3 Unconfirmed assumption # 3
4 “Name changed, to protect the innocent.”
© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 7 All rights reserved
The List of 50

By the end of January, I had accomplished both. In February, she moved in with me. We had fun, we
talked, and we got to know each other. By April, I was scratching my head. She seemed to be into
possessions, getting a good job with lots of money, and wasn’t into politics or vocational thinking I was
studying to be a minister/therapist and was deeply into protesting the War in Viet Nam, fighting for
Civil Rights, etc. I found that I was often angering myself over things she said or did. Finally, I decided
that enough was enough. I broke up with her. She moved out, we decided to remain friends, the semester
ended, and I flew home to Buffalo, to my former High School Sweetheart.

At the end of August, while packing to go back to school, I remembered I needed a ride from O’Hare to
school. Sue had a car. I called and asked if she’d mind picking me up. She agreed. As I exited the
baggage area, there was Sue, and the image is burned into my brain to this day. Blue, tiny halter top and
tiny white shorts. Blonde hair, loose and cascading over her shoulders. I dropped my bag and just about
swallowed my tongue. She moved back into my dorm room that night.

I graduated in 1973 and went to work at a bank. Sue went off to graduate school. Just prior to her
leaving, we were sitting in a car at a Mall, and were talking about the future. Interestingly, I was talking
about jobs and vocation using the bank as a stepping-stone to doing counselling and consulting. I never
once said a word about Sue and me. I know now this was because I’d settled for the relationship I had
with her, and I wasn’t happy in it, but leaving it seemed like too much effort, so I decided to make the
best of it. I wasn’t interested in the relationship. I was interested in my vocation.

Sue said, “But what about us?” A little voice, deep inside, shouted, “Run!!!!” (I’ve since learned to trust
that voice . . .) My mouth said, “Well, after all this time, we probably should get married.”

I’ll fast-forward the clock to 1983 now. What I learned in the interim was that our life views were
completely different. Sue had a 9 to 5 professional/technical job, made good money, and saw the job and
the money as a way to buy relaxation. She thought I should match my schedule to hers, and that the goal
of a relationship was to spend quantity time together. I had finished my two masters’ degrees, taken a
church and opened a counselling practice. I was very busy, and that meant long hours. If someone called
for an appointment, I was there. I saw my vocation as being of service to others, on their walk. Vocation
was only one issue where we didn’t see eye to eye.

We’d tried counselling. I would list my issues, and Sue would say, “My marriage is perfect. I wouldn’t
change a thing.” We entered counselling often, but never got past one session.

In my Internship, my therapist and supervisor (she’s still my therapist and supervisor — and my friend
— I’ve grown older and wiser and I am so grateful to her) Gloria Taylor, would, once a month, ask,
“Why are you married to Sue?” and I’d reply, “Because I love her.” And Gloria would go, “Hmm.”

That question finally made sense in December of ‘83. I’d led a particularly difficult Session meeting at
church, wherein a woman expressed hurts that went back years. No one had listened to her before. I
gave her the space and support to say what she needed to say. We resolved her issues. She said, “Thanks
for listening. I apologize for yelling at you.” I said, with a wink, “That’s OK. I never heard a word.”

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 8 All rights reserved

The List of 50

I’d likely say that differently now, but I later checked with her and indeed, she heard what I intended -
that I hadn’t taken her yelling as yelling at me. I was glad she had resolved her issue, and glad I helped.

When I got home that night, I was full of beans. I told Sue what had happened. She promptly handed me
my head. Said I was cruel and insensitive, handled the situation all wrong, and besides, I was late getting
home. When she finished, in a flash of clarity, I realized we saw life from two completely different
angles. I said, “The marriage is over.” And it was.

I understood then, and over the next months, that my process had been what I described in the
introduction. I got into the relationship with Sue on the basis of her looks, her being in College, and the
glint in her eye. As I got to know her, I subconsciously realized that her personality and mine did not
mesh, nor did our goals, nor our aspirations nor our style of being in the world. Especially, our styles of
communication were miles apart. In short, we were fundamentally as different as two people could be.
So, I did the “normal” thing. I entered into a 11-year campaign to change her into the woman I
wanted her to be.

My realization, back there in 1983, on the night the marriage ended — was that there is absolutely
nothing wrong with Sue. She was fine, perfect, just the way she was. I had absolutely no right to insist
that she change to make me happy. I had spent a decade thinking I knew what was best for another
person. That she successfully resisted my attempts says volumes about her strength.

I also realized that, if she found and married someone who had the same values she had, she’d be much
happier. And that the same would apply for me. (And that is exactly what did happen.)

I decided I did not want to repeat this behaviour. Thus began The List of 50. I realized that I had never
given much thought, really, to who I wanted to be in relationship with. I decided that, if I was going to
avoid forming another relationship based upon “accidental meeting,” I had to think carefully about what
it was I was seeking in a partner.

As I reflected upon this idea, I realized that nothing much had changed for me in terms of physical
characteristics. I reminded myself that physical characteristics were a poor guide to the depth of a
person. (All of this sounds so simple, right? Like − “What an idiot — anybody could figure THAT out!”
Yet, when I explain this to clients, everyone, so far, has said, “Wow. I never thought about any of this
stuff through when I formed a relationship.”)

I started writing a list. I included the physical stuff, and put it last. Then, I started thinking about how my
ideal partner would view the world, vocation, spirituality, communication, relationship building,
sensuality and sexuality, having or not having kids, interaction with friends — in short, everything I
could think of that was important for me in a relationship. I worked at it for a week, adding and deleting
as things occurred to me. In the end, I had 52 items, which seemed to me unwieldy by two. I pared the
list down to 50.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 9 All rights reserved

The List of 50

I then studied the list, thought about each item, refined my language, and took out any negatives. (“I
don’t want a married man” is not the same as “I want a man that is single and unattached.”) I took out
vague words - “I want a good talker” (which could get you someone who never shuts up — I secretly
suspect that was what Dar had on her list, as she got me . . . as people who know me smile) is not the
same as “I want a person who follows the communication model.”

I went for as many specifics as I could generate. Finally, I had revised the language of the 50 items. My
next task was to put them into order of importance. Again, having as
#1 - blonde haired, and
# 50 - follows the communication model
is not the same as
#1 - follows the communication model and
# 50 - blonde haired.

Having completed the task, I posted the list (where else?) on my fridge, and read it often. I then asked
myself a telling question. “Do I know anyone who is like this?” Dar immediately came to mind. She’d
been a friend since my second year in the Internship, was (and is) a teacher of the hearing impaired, and,
from what I knew of her, surprisingly close in all of the other areas on my list (including being blonde
with blue eyes . . .) So, I called her and invited her out for dinner.

In the early going of our relationship I told her what I wanted in a relationship and a partner, and
encouraged her to think through and decide what she wanted. The very first “deal” we made was to
spend no less than 30 minutes a day talking about who we are and what we’ve learned about ourselves.
We agreed to take as much time as necessary to resolve any issues we might have with each other, as
they occur. I would note that we have not missed a night 5 since starting this in 1984.

As our relationship progressed, there were a few rough edges, but surprisingly few, because neither of us
was trying to change the other. We took the time and energy required to work through the power
struggle issues, and to let them go. We have spent the rest of our relationship learning more about
ourselves, while having someone to share that information with.

Lastly, and I’ll talk more about this later, I have a small number of really good, close, intimate friends.
Not surprisingly, they also fit my list. It would be silly, I think, to form a relationship with people I’m
not comfortable with just to see if I could. It’s enough effort to have such people as acquaintances. Real
friends, for me, are people I can be open and vulnerable with. Which is where I got to with my original
List of 50.

Anyway, that’s been my walk, or a small piece of it. Since 1981, I’ve been on a pilgrimage into myself.
My goal has been to find out who I am today, and to share that information with Dar. I then sit back and
listen to what she has to say about who she is. We also take the time to help each other see blind spots.
5
Other than a few days when I was at The Haven Institute ([Link] back in 1996 — it was 25 days and we
decided to talk every other night. We missed the contact so much that Dar ended up flying out. Last time I was at Haven, in
1998, I called every night!

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 10 All rights reserved

The List of 50

(As in “I notice that you are (whatever) and I’m wondering what your intention is.” This is described in
the “Relationships” booklet.)

Let’s then, get to the List of 50.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 11 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Who’ve You “Had” in the Past?

The first stage of the List of 50 project, for me and for my clients, has begun in the midst of therapy. As
clients come to talk and work through a dysfunctional relationship, it is essential to discover what the
client is doing to stay stuck in the relationship. If they are out of the relationship, we want to know what
they were doing to keep the relationship from working.

This is not about assigning blame. It’s about understanding what you tell yourself about why you do
what you do.

This is the beginning of the List of 50 process. You’ll learn all about how to construct a List in our
new book. Check it out, here!

[Link]

So, if you were here, in my office, I’d be asking you about your last significant relationship, and also
about other significant adult relationships. Begin by grabbing a pad of paper. Make a list of a few people
you’ve dated, lived with, been married to. Then, pick the most significant, long-lasting one.

Now, imagine that you are at WRA (Weird Relationships Anonymous) and it’s your turn. You’re going
to tell the assembled masses what you are recovering from.

In 1983, mine might have gone: Hi. I’m Wayne (“Hi, Wayne!”) and I’m recovering weird relationships
junkie. I’ve been attracted to blonde, blue-eyed women since I was a teen. I saw it as my mission to
figure out what they were doing wrong in their lives and set them straight. I wanted a woman who would
be my equal emotionally, mentally, spiritually and vocationally. So I did the logical thing. I hooked up
with women who were completely different from me emotionally, mentally, spiritually and vocationally
and attempted to persuade them to change. Because I saw them as projects, I never seemed to be done,
content, and happy. Now, I’ve hit bottom, and have decided to give up on changing people so that I can
be happy.

Now, write yours.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 12 All rights reserved

The List of 50

First Things First

Now you know how you get yourself stuck. We are going to unpack what you’ve learned and ascertain
what you are looking for in a mate.

Lets get this out of the way first. Doing this is not selfish. It is self-centered. This is my favourite current
term, and although some people use it to mean selfish, I use it to mean what it says. My centre is located
in me. I don’t want to locate my centre out there somewhere, linked to another to whom I give power --
power to “make me” happy, content, whole. No one “makes me” anything. Who I am, how I feel and
how I interpret my life happens in me, at my centre.

It is not selfish to decide to work hard at finding someone to share your life with. On the other hand, it’s
the height of silliness to try to form a relationship with someone we don’t, at our centre, want to be in
relationship with — whom we are not compatible with.

In the end, self-knowledge is all that we can ever hope for. In a deep, caring, intimate relationship, the
goal will be to dig deeper and deeper into yourself, and having someone to share the results with. We’ll
be covering this in our next booklet, on compassionate relationships.

OK. Time to turn to some blank pages in the ubiquitous pad of paper. Number the lines 1 to 50. Start.

Just kidding.

So, what’s supposed to be on the list? This is the beginning of the List of 50 process. You’ll learn
all about how exactly what belongs on your List in our new book. Check it out, here!

[Link]

I’m, going to need to emphasize repeatedly that the goal of The List of 50 is not to find your clone.
Scott Peck once said that one reason to be in relationship was for the friction, which I took to mean the
tension of two people with fundamentally unique operating systems having a dialogue. That being said, I
choose to be in dialogue with someone who has at least visited the planet I live on, and has some
appreciation for my worldview. A clone? No. A co-walker along the path? Yes, indeed.

Use the ideas above, and other areas of importance to you, as a jumping off place for finding 50
characteristics you wish for in a partner.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 13 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Down to the Basics

OK, you’ve got your 50. Before we talk about the next part of the project, let me tell you a story.

Some years ago, I was working (separately) with two female roommates. They’d both had relationship
breakdowns, and were exploring the why’s and how’s in therapy. As it turned out, I mentioned The List
of 50 to them the same week. They both liked the idea, talked about it at home, and decided to go to
Toronto for the weekend, get a hotel room, drink some wine and compose their lists. They apparently
had a great time, enjoyed the differences in their lists, and decided they were ready to meet their ideal
mate.

Within six weeks, both had met someone who closely matched their list. Very closely. However, a few
days that week’s sessions, they called me and were really angry. They said, “This list thing of yours
doesn’t work. It’s a disaster!” They booked an appointment to come in, together, to confront me. I
agreed.

They were quite agitated. I pressed for what had happened. After much descriptive language, one
blurted, “Both of the jerks are married!” I smiled, and asked, “So, did either of you have “Single” on
your list?”

Silence. Then, one said, “Damn!” and they got up and left, to revise their lists.

Within the next six weeks, both had met a single man who fit their list. Both are now into their fifth year
of marriage. I like both of the guys. They suit the personalities of the women. The women jell with the
men. Of the two women, one is similar to Dar in personality (she’d get about 80% on my list). I find that
I like her husband somewhat more than the other woman’s husband (she’d get about 35% on my list).
But as I said, both men suit the women they are with. (And, obviously, were these two men, going by
the luck of the draw, to have dated and married the other woman, things would be quite strange by
now.)

So, is “single” on your list? Is the sex of the person you are looking for on your list? Is the age bracket
of the person on your list? Again, while you may have thought of this, it’s important to be clear. In order
for you to find what you are looking for, being specific is a necessity.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 14 All rights reserved

The List of 50

The Language Police

This is a Haven Institute joke. When you do Phase 1 at Haven, you learn what is jokingly called Haven-
speak. This is language designed to encourage you to speak truthfully. So, rather than saying “You make
me so angry,” you say, “I’m really angering myself.” As you blunder, some kind soul will point out the
mis-spoken part, and invite you to correct it. Thus, that person, in that moment, becomes the “language
police.”

So, let’s police your language. Back to your list. As I mentioned in the introductory remarks, negatives
are to be removed from the list. The reason? Negatives leave too much room for interpretation.

A client said, “I don’t want my daughter to turn out like me.”

I said, “So knowing you, that would mean you don’t want her to be a single parent at 28, with no job, no
relationship and no hope?” She agreed.
I said, “So, I guess it would be OK if she was a prostitute at 15 and a heroin addict?”
She looked horrified. “No, that wouldn’t be OK!”
“Well,” I replied, “she wouldn’t be like you . . .” She nodded and smiled. I said, “Maybe, instead of
saying what you don’t want, you’d like to say what you wish for your daughter.”

My point (which is obvious) is that “not married” is not the same as single. “Not a heavy drinker” could
get you a woman who gets loaded on two glasses of wine. “Not into sports” could get you a guy who
weighs 400 pounds, eats cheezies all day and watches soap operas.

Go back over your list. Look for any place where you used a negative. Find another way to write any
items you find. For example, change “Doesn’t hurt me” to “Is emotionally, spiritually and physically
caring and is positively demonstrative.”

We’re after specifically what you do want, not what you don’t want!

Look also for ambiguous language. “Likes to talk,” as I said above, is different from “Follows the
communication model.” “Into the outdoors” got one of my clients a gardener. She was looking for a
hiker.

This is the middle of the List of 50 process. You’ll learn all about how to fine-tune your List in our
new book. Check it out, here!

[Link]

So, pretend that your list is a project for publication. Your goal, with each point, is to capture the
essence of what you want to say, in positive language, in as few words as necessary to convey your
meaning carefully. If your list ends up being three pages long, who cares?

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 15 All rights reserved

The List of 50

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 16 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Ordering the Cosmos

Now’s the time to read the list and establish priorities. Despite the fact that likely all 50 items are
important to you, and you’ve spent a lot of time honing them, you need now to work at picking items by
their overall importance.

Following my friends Jock McKeen and Bennet Wong, I believe that relationships, for me, unpack this
way. I am in relationship with Dar to have someone to act as a witness, a listener — who will hear me as
I talk about what I know about myself, each and every day. And, who will do the same with me. We will
agree to be present with each other, listening and interacting carefully and clearly. We will be open and
honest with each other, having no secrets from each other.

So, that looks, in an artificially linear way, like: I work on me first and foremost, and then share what I
know of me with Dar, using the communication model I described in the last booklet, and also working
from a place of compassionate relationship (using what I will describe in the next booklet.) Therefore
(as he finally comes to his point . . .) my list would read:

There are many example List of 50 lists, provided by readers. You’ll learn all about how to
construct a List in our new book. Check it out, here!

[Link]

Head to your list. Develop a scheme for prioritizing. Shift the items around and when it feels “done,”
write or type the list neatly on good paper.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 17 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Be a Poster Poster
You might want to make copies of your list. For sure, you want to put your list where you will see it. I
put mine on the fridge, as I said, and carried a copy in my DayTimer. Your goal is to read over your list
often, no less than once per day.

As you do, visualize having a conversation with your imagined partner. What would a perfect
conversation be like? Imagine spending time with this person. What would it be like to ask to be held,
and to be held as you asked, with no expectation of anything but being held? What would it be like to
engage in mutually satisfying activities? What’s the sex going to be like? How will you fight? What will
it be like to resolve each issues as it comes up, rather than leaving it or stuffing it? (I trust this is what
you want, isn’t it???? If not, go back and read my first booklet and order The Relationship Garden,6 by
Ben & Jock, from their website, at [Link] )

Spend time each day visualizing interacting with the kind of person you’ve described in your list. The
goal is to make interaction with this person “real.” Much like anything else in our lives, if we do not
imagine whatever it is as actually available to us (real) the likelihood is that it will not become real.
Remember, the person you are describing actually does exist. That is an absolute given. Your job is to
know what you are looking for AND to visualize meeting this person. Take this seriously!

Secondly,

You’ll learn all about how to use the List process to identify possible partners you already know!
Check it out, here!

[Link]

6
Jock McKeen & Bennet Wong, The Relationship Garden, (Gabriola Island, B.C.: pd publications, 1996)

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 18 All rights reserved

The List of 50

The Big Question

I actually have left something out. Intentionally, as I wanted you to draw up the list and begin an
exploration of how you have “done” relationships in the past vs. what you really want in a relationship
now. The question you need to answer, right now, is,

This is the most important question of all! Nothing can happen until you’re prepared to answer it
affirmatively. You'll learn what this essential question is in our new book. Check it out, here!

[Link]

And, I want you to begin to notice, as you drill the points of the list into your subconscious mind
(through repetitive reading and visualizing) who you are beginning to meet. I can virtually guarantee
you will begin to meet people of both sexes who fit your description.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 19 All rights reserved

The List of 50

The Friend Factor

As I’ve suggested, the list is not only an expression of who we would like to be with as our primary
partner. It also is a list of characteristics of who our intimate friends might be.

I recognize that some of my adult friendships were created on the basis of proximity. For instance, my
college roommates. The first was someone I really clicked and related with. Even after he switched to
another University, then moved to the west coast, we kept in contact by phone, visit and letter. My next
College roommate and I had little in common beyond a slight over indulgence in recreational substances
prevalent at University in the early 70’s. He attended my wedding to “Sue” and I haven’t heard of or
from him since. Proximity.

Same thing with forming relationships with people we meet through social activities. They invite you
over, you invite them over, and pretty soon you end up spending time with them, but the conversation
may seem quite superficial.

I was at a party in the beginning of the summer hosted by a couple we’ve known for 15 years. I knew I
was in trouble when the other couples arrived toting “two-fours” (Canadianism for cases of beer). The
men gathered in one place, the women in another, and the guys started talking hockey playoffs.

I spent the evening talking to Dar.

As opposed to a group of perhaps 10 people I know, with whom I converse at a deep and intimate level.
Those people, as I think about them, are people I have chosen to be with on an altogether different level
than acquaintances. I therefore have a fair number of acquaintances, and a short list of friends.

My friends match my list pretty closely. This is not a coincidence. The other thing about some of them is
that they come from high up in the business world. Not a strength for me. I suspect that, as they fit my
list and have this resource of sound business thinking, that this is the cosmos being kind and providing
me with information I need. In turn, my skill at interpersonal and business communication has been
helpful to them.

On the other hand, my accountant and I are like oil and water, although he likes to sound off in my
direction. Definitely an acquaintance, in spades, but talented in his field, which is my reason for being
associated with him.

What I’m getting at here is that you don’t have to be friends with anyone who wants to be friends with
you. You don’t have to be friends with people who want you to listen endlessly to their tales of woe.
You don’t have to be friends with people that, after they leave, cause you to roll your eyes and say,
“That was terrible.” If you drain your energy around someone, a friendship with that person will simply
be − draining.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 20 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Use the list to evaluate each of your relationships. How many friends match your list? Surprised by your
answer? You may want to look at modifying some non-starter relationships to acquaintances.

And then use the list to attract to you a circle of people who are on a path similar to you. I am amazed at
how many of my clients match my list; are at the point of exploring finding their vocation, are confused
about meaning, are looking for guidance as they dig deep and find themselves. It’s as if these people
find me because somehow they know I’ve been there and am doing that. Likely it’s why you’re reading
this booklet and are subscribed to my free E-Zine. (You ARE, aren’t you? Go to
[Link] to read a sample and sign up.)

Scott Peck, in The Different Drum, 7 talks about “Patterns of Transformation.” He lists four stages of
growth, and indicates that we can only communicate at our own level or one level down (and by
implication, one level up.) It’s useless for me to talk to someone who doesn’t even get my language, let
alone my point. I don’t want to have friendships with someone with whom I must always explain
myself. I love friendships where we are on similar journeys and can share stories and talk about what
has helped us on the way.

7
M. Scott Peck, The Different Drum, (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1987), p. 186f

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 21 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Why This Isn’t New Age Claptrap

First of all, those of you who read my stuff will know I don’t fit the New Age, pie in the sky, everything
is beautiful mold. The List of 50 isn’t magic. There’s a reason or two why it works. The first
explanation will be of a Spiritual nature, the other scientific.

You’ll learn about how the List of 50 actually works, from a scientific perspective. It’s all there, in
our new book. Check it out, here!

[Link]

The List of 50 is food for the subconscious. It LOVES tasks like this one. Of course, what you are
doing (through re-reading the list) is programming a set of filters. This is also why you can leave the list
in place after you meet your partner, change the sex to “male or female” and find a whole group of
interesting friends. Or you could rewrite the list to specifically target friends, mentors, and therapists,
whatever.

Once the filters are in place, your subconscious will not “see” people who do not fit the profile. It will
thus appear that the only people you are meeting (other than, say, clients, who you “have to” meet) are
people who fit the filter. From a “Spiritual” perspective, it’s like the cosmos is providing what you need.
From a subconscious perspective, what’s happening “makes sense.”

It’s not magic. Manifesting the things we need, the lessons we need, has a sound basis in both our spirits
and our minds.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 22 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Some closing thoughts

The List of 50 is a technique, and like any technique, takes time and effort to learn. Once you do this
project, you will see many applications for this technique, in your career, with your children, as a health
practice – that’s actually a really good one – we “get over” ourselves by re-imaging what is happening in
our bodies. This is the whole point of visualization techniques, for example, in cancer therapy.

Left to our own devices, we can be incredibly lazy about what we focus on, if anything. We tend to get
lousy results, and blame the situation, our parents, genetics, the Progressive Conservatives, whatever.
The List of 50 brings us back to ourselves, and requires of us due diligence. It is, after all, our life we
are talking about.

The discipline involved in living a focused life is dramatic. Sloppy thinking, over-generalization,
blaming, scapegoating – all ways to avoid the rigorous discipline required to master your life. On the
other hand, The List of 50 is one simple technique for adjusting your focus, clearing your mind, and
stating clearly whom you want in your life.

If you would like to learn more about living a disciplined, whole life, help is at hand. My book, Living
Life in Growing Orbits, is about finding yourself, changing the patterns that don’t work, setting out in
new, vocational driven directions and freeing yourself from the blocks that have kept you stuck.

Bases on a 52-week cycle, the book presents concepts for whole, conscious living, as well as simple
daily exercises designed to help you to wake up and pay attention. A client said,

“I thought this was going to be another of those quick read, quick fix
New Age jargon books. Boy, was I wrong! I got into the second week
and realized that, if I followed through on the reading and the
exercises, I would be engaging in hard work. In the end though, I
understood that I would also be a changed person. Thank you so much
for this book!”
I’ve mentioned my friends, Drs. Jock McKeen & Bennet Wong. They wrote:

“Wayne Allen is an insightful writer. From his varied life experience, he blends spiritual principles with
everyday values, making for a readable, thought provoking blend of stories and ideas.
Foremost, Wayne is very human . . . and this comes through in his writing.
This book would be of value to anyone who is genuinely interested in finding deeper meanings in life
and relationships.
You can read it all at once, or sip it in small quantities.
Highly recommended.”
Jock McKeen, M.D. and Bennet Wong, M.D.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 23 All rights reserved

The List of 50

When you order my book, “Getting EXACTLY the Relationship You Want” you’ll see a special
offer for this book, plus my excellent book, This Endless Moment! Check it out, here!

[Link]

Another excellent resource is Ben & Jock’s book, The NEW Manual for Life. The book provides a
detailed look at how we become who we are, what things we are capable of doing differently, and how
to live fully in the world, as free and authentic persons. This book can be purchased, for 22.00 Canadian,
plus s & h, from the The Haven, at [Link]

Lastly, we love hearing from you! It is our intent to keep producing free booklets on a variety of topics.
If you’d like to see a booklet on a topic dear to your heart, send us e-mail and we’ll consider your
request. Please also let us know how you liked this booklet AND of course let us know of your
experiences with the List of 50.

Lovingly,

Wayne

wcallen@[Link]

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 24 All rights reserved

The List of 50

Suggested Reading

The Relationship Garden, McKeen, Jock & Wong, Bennet, Gabriola Island, B. C., 1996 PD Publishing
-- my favourite book on building meaningful relationships.

The New Manual for Life, Wong, Bennet & McKeen, Jock, Gabriola Island, B. C., 1998 PD Publishing
– on learning to find yourself by looking inside.

Living Life in Growing Orbits, Allen, Wayne C., Elmira, Ontario, 1998, Phoenix Press
-- my workbook on a finding, learning about and having a deep, spiritual, full, meaningful life. Tons of
exercises are included.

© The Phoenix Centre & Wayne C. Allen 25 All rights reserved