money and household-management skills (Goodwin & Tang, 1991; Sprecher & Chandak, 1992).

Western cultures emphasize autonomy and encourage young adults to develop independent lives and
find mates of their own choosing. But in traditional Eastern societies, such as Pakistan, India, and
Nepal, the goal of marriage is social order, and thus intimate relationships are a means to preserve
family unity and social order (Goodwin, 1999; Hamon & Ingoldsby, 2003).
A culture’s economic and family values affect each of its members’ relationship values. In urban,
mobile cultures such as those in the United States and Canada, a given individual seeking a friend or
partner has available a much larger “pool” and might have the luxury of choice. In contrast,
individuals in developing economies or in rural and isolated regions have far less choice. In such
places, close relationships depend greatly on proximity and availability, and therefore once formed,
they are hard to replace. For someone in a subsistence economy, an arranged marriage is greeted not
with scorn but with gratitude; if not for the arrangement, how else would this individual even find a
mate (Moghaddam, Taylor, & Wright, 1993)? In this sense, culture is a very large-scale version of
“situational influence” on relationship choices! How would you react if an arranged marriage were
advised for you? Your likely reaction gives apt testimony to the extent to which we truly are products
of our cultures.

ATTACHMENT
Have you ever had your heart broken? The loss of a close relationship is universally painful. How
did you feel and behave? Common reactions are distraction, anger, sadness, despair, loss of sleep,
and loss of the ability to concentrate. Perhaps you argued or wept. Compare these reactions to those
of a baby whose mother leaves, even briefly. The child is placed in a crib or in the arms of the
babysitter and watches as the mother walks away. (If you have ever cared for younger siblings or
other children, you may have been the “villain” in a similar scenario.) The baby cries out, wailing in
apparent sadness, or screaming in what certainly seems like rage.

Infant Attachment
What is happening in these interactions? The child is reacting to separation, in this case to the loss
of the most important person in his or her life. In the process of attachment, the human infant
associates satisfaction and need gratification with only one or two specific others (Bowlby,
1969/1982). Many years later, the human adult similarly sees an intimate partner as essential to well-
being and happiness and becomes attached to that individual. If that relationship ends, the adult is
likely to express grown-up versions of the symptoms of infantile separation distress, that is, attention
focused on the lost other and extreme discomfort at that person’s inaccessibility (Weiss, 1975).
Many psychologists argue that the blueprint for later life relationships is drawn when you are still a
baby, by your first experience of being cared for by your parents, particularly your mother or primary
caregiver. To be fed, cuddled, and protected, you must be sure your caregiver is near or signal your
need for that person. Missing or losing your attachment figure triggers a series of attachment
behaviors, including looking for the person, pleading for contact, moving toward him or her, or
clinging to prevent abandonment (Shaver & Hazan, 1994). This action pattern evolved as an effective
way to bring back a too-distant caregiver.
Individuals differ in how they express separation distress. For all our variety, however, attachment
behaviors have been found to fall into a few basic patterns. Understanding these patterns—your own
as well as other people’s—can help you to achieve more satisfactory relationships.
Research by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth and her colleagues (Ainsworth, Blehar,
Waters, & Wall, 1978) identified among infants three patterns of attachment behavior. Infants were
separated from their mothers by barriers or were introduced to a strange person or environment—all
situations that triggered separation distress. Although the trigger situation was similar for all the
babies, reactions reflected one style of secure attachment and two styles of insecure attachment.

1. Secure attachment style: Most infants were unhappy while the attachment figure was away, but
were quickly soothed when she returned.
2. Insecure attachment style, anxious/ambivalent: A minority of insecure infants acted unhappy
about being separated but were still fretful and clingy when the attachment figure returned.
3. Insecure attachment style, avoidant: Most insecure infants behaved as if they were
unconcerned with the presence or absence of the attachment figure. They did not cry when she
left and avoided contact when she returned.

Why the differences? Children’s attachment patterns most likely develop from a combination of
biological influences (e.g., inherited traits) and social learning (e.g., the attachment figure’s
responsiveness to the child’s actions such as giving insufficient attention). A nervous or unwell child
with a stressed or overworked parent is likely not to receive “enough” attention, contributing to an
insecure style (Shaver & Hazan, 1994). Set in place early in life, the attachment categories of infancy
appear to endure as attachment styles in adult relationships. Secure babies grow to be secure adults,
with measurably different relationship choices and experiences, as we now consider.

Adult Attachment Styles

Your infantile attachment was not a matter of choice for you; you were born into a particular family
arrangement. But as an adult, you are not assigned friends and partners; you must choose them. As an
adult making such choices, you know that every relationship entails risks; to get close to someone
else, you must open up, self-disclose, and become vulnerable. In developing closeness with someone,
you run two great risks: rejection and betrayal. Another person may reject you, that is, refuse to
become close to you. Or once a person is close, he or she might betray you, that is, deceive or harm
you. Is intimacy worth such a risk? Based on experience, do you feel you can count on people, or do
you mistrust them? Are you optimistic about love, or do you expect others sooner or later to abandon
you?
Infants’ distinctive patterns of attachment appear to continue into childhood and later,
characterizing adults’ reactions to love, threat, and loss in their romantic experiences. Shaver, Hazan,
and their colleagues invited adults to provide description of their attachment behaviors in response to
newspaper questionnaires about life, love, and work. The participants’ attachment patterns fell into
patterns similar to those of secure and insecure infants (e.g., Shaver & Hazan, 1994; Shaver, Hazan,
& Bradshaw, 1988).
At about the same time, Main, Kaplan, and Cassidy (1985) used interviews to assess the attachment
styles of parents and to relate these to their infants’ response styles. Combining such techniques as
those used by Main and colleagues and those used by Shaver and colleagues, attachment researchers
have confirmed that in our adult relationships, we replay early-life patterns of dealing with closeness,
separation, and loss. In 1990, Bartholomew developed more complex assessment techniques,
identifying not three but four styles of adult attachment.

Assess Your Attachment Style

Before reading further, see if you can identify your own attachment style. First, reflect for a
moment on your own adult relationship experiences. Now examine Table 15.2 and review the
different patterns that have been found in people’s attitudes toward closeness. Choose the one pattern
that best sums up your particular approach to being close. Then we’ll examine how to interpret your
choice.
The four patterns described in Table 15.2 refer to four patterns of adult attachment identified by
Bartholomew (1990; see also Miller & Perlman, 2009):

Table 15.2 Views of Self and Others

Instructions: Choose the statement that best reflects your attitude toward close relationships.
(See text for interpretation and explanation.)

1. I am comfortable being emotionally close to another person. I enjoy depending on others and
having them depend on me. I enjoy socializing with others. I feel optimistic about my close
relationships.
2. I need a close relationship to feel good about myself. I often find that others don’t want to get
as close as I want to get. I worry about losing my partner. I feel jealous if our relationship
seems to be threatened.
3. I generally feel shy in social situations. I have difficulty trusting others or depending on
them. I fear being hurt or rejected by others if I attempt to become close to them.
4. I do not need close relationships and prefer to rely on myself. I would rather have
independence than intimacy. Getting close to someone just isn’t worth the trouble involved.

SOURCE: Adapted from Bartholomew (1990); Miller & Perlman (2009).

1. Secure: trusting, comfortable with closeness and interdependence

2. Preoccupied: needful of closeness, worried about abandonment
3. Fearful: afraid of rejection, mistrustful, shy
4. Dismissing: self-reliant, independent, uninterested in intimacy
 Each of these adult attachment styles balances one’s view of oneself with one’s view of others.
Secure individuals have positive views of both themselves and the trustworthiness of close others.
Preoccupied individuals have poor views of themselves but want to be close to others. Fearful
persons are unhappy with themselves and do not trust closeness. And dismissing individuals see
themselves as all right, especially if they are untroubled by closeness with others.

Applying Attachment Lessons

You can apply research on attachment by considering the dynamics of different combinations of
attachment styles. Suppose, in one couple, a woman has developed a preoccupied attachment style,
whereas her male partner is more dismissing. She seeks his presence, reaching for him and making
plans for their time together. But he feels uncomfortable with that much closeness and pulls away in
order to feel more independent. As he does so, canceling plans or behaving coolly, she feels
threatened and needy. She becomes more clingy, hoping for warmth and contact—but he only pulls
away that much more. Both are unhappy, but perhaps they are unable to explain their unhappiness or
what to do about it.
In your own life, you can be more practical in identifying what you need in a relationship and how
best to interact with others. Identify your feelings about yourself and others, and be realistic about
how to meet both your own and others’ complex needs. Begin a relationship by being honest in your
early interactions and communicating your needs and goals as best you can. If you need reassurance in
relationships, communicate this clearly to the other person; don’t expect anyone to read your mind.
Listen carefully to what your partner says and seeks. The combination or confrontation of your two
styles is also important. If one of you needs reassurance but the other does not or even cannot make
eye contact, both of you will suffer.
Suppose that you have identified yourself as possessing a particular attachment style, for example,
an insecure style, but you want to act and feel secure. Is change possible? Given that attachment itself
is shaped by experience, the answer is yes. Unsuccessful relationship behaviors can be unlearned,
and more successful ones can be tried and reinforced to replace them. But before you can alter your
patterns, you must know what you are starting with, where you want to go, and how to close the gap.
This journey begins with self-awareness, so keep in mind that you and everyone else need
attachments and that your life experience has taught you a distinctive style in forming them.

THE SELECTION P ROCESS

We have already considered some factors that serve as important positive influences on people’s
desire to approach others for the purpose of establishing a relationship, including familiarity and
physical attractiveness. Decades of research have identified several other such factors, two of which
include if the other person has similar values, beliefs, and interests and certain personality
characteristics, such as warmth, trustworthiness, and vitality (Finkel & Baumeister, 2010). Even
barriers to closeness, such as others’ disapproval, can serve as challenges that actually intensify
mutual desire (Brehm & Brehm, 1981; Driscoll, Davis, & Lipetz, 1972).
Whatever the mix of factors, most people do find at least some others attractive and then face the
next hurdle: establishing actual closeness, that is, an interaction or a relationship that is real for both
parties, not just a fantasy in the mind of the one who feels attracted to the other. Keeping your
attraction to yourself gets you nowhere. Similarly, finding another person appealing to look at,