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Line Graph Feedback for Task 1 Writing

The feedback highlights strengths and weaknesses in a line graph analysis, noting that all age groups were covered and a clear trend was presented, but some data points were inaccurate and comparisons between groups were weak. Recommendations for improvement include enhancing coherence, reducing redundancy, and correcting grammatical errors. Suggested vocabulary and phrases are provided to strengthen the analysis and improve clarity.

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Shorux Bozorov
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13 views2 pages

Line Graph Feedback for Task 1 Writing

The feedback highlights strengths and weaknesses in a line graph analysis, noting that all age groups were covered and a clear trend was presented, but some data points were inaccurate and comparisons between groups were weak. Recommendations for improvement include enhancing coherence, reducing redundancy, and correcting grammatical errors. Suggested vocabulary and phrases are provided to strengthen the analysis and improve clarity.

Uploaded by

Shorux Bozorov
Copyright
© All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd

📝 FEEDBACK FOR THE LINE GRAPH (TELEGRAM-READY)

🔍 1) Task Achievement
✔️Covered all four age groups
✔️Clear overall trend
❌ But some numbers are slightly off (18–25 starts closer to 10%, not 15%)
❌ Too many redundant relative clauses (“which…” repeated everywhere)
❌ Needs stronger comparisons between groups, not just within groups

Useful Cambridge collocations they should add:

● saw a dramatic surge

● levelled off briefly

● experienced a modest drop

● overtook all other age groups

● remained comparatively low

🔧 2) Coherence & Cohesion


❌ Paragraph 2 and 3 not balanced — one is huge, one is tiny
❌ Overuse of “which” → makes the writing robotic
❌ Transitions missing (Meanwhile, By contrast, Toward the end…)

Better cohesive devices:

● Meanwhile…

● In contrast…

● Over the following years…

● Toward the end of the period…

✏️3) Vocabulary
Fixes they MUST learn:

✔️
“rose slightly to about 40%” → rose to about 40%
❌ “despite a minimal dip registered in 1994” → too awkward
❌ “with regard to” → too formal for Task 1
❌ “climbed slowly… experiencing a small increase” → repetitive

Better alternatives:

● saw a steady upward trend

● remained low but increased gradually

● hit a peak of…


● fell back to…

🧱 4) Grammar
Key errors:

● ❌ unnecessary brackets around age groups

● ❌ comma splices everywhere

● ❌ tense shifts

● ❌ missing articles (“the rate”, “the proportion”)

● ❌ repetition of “which” clauses

✅ Corrected Version (bold = corrections)


The line graph illustrates the rate of individuals who went to the gym once a month or more over the period from
1984 to 2003.

Overall, all age groups experienced an increase except the 46–65 group, which saw a gradual decline. The
18–25 group recorded the most substantial growth, eventually overtaking all the other age groups and
becoming the highest proportion by the end of the period.

The 26–45 group began at 30% in 1984, the highest starting point. It rose to around 40% by 1989, fell
slightly to about 35% in 1994, and then climbed steadily to roughly 55% in 2003.

The 18–25 group started at just above 10% in 1984 and rose sharply to around 65% by the end of the
timeframe, marking the most dramatic increase on the chart.

The 46–65 group began at around 25% in 1984, increased marginally to about 30% in 1989, and then
declined gradually to approximately 15% by 2003. Meanwhile, the 65+ group started at about 5% and grew
steadily to nearly 15% in 1994. After a slight dip to around 10% in 1999, it rose again to roughly 20% by
2003.

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