MAKE TIME FOR THE TALK
The Relationship Talk
Workbook
By Evelin Molina Dacker, M.D.
Sexual Health/STI Status
My experience and my
disclosures regarding sexual
health.
Turn-Ons
My desires in connection,
intimacy, and sex.
Avoids
My aversions, my boundaries,
and my triggers.
Relationship
Intentions/Expectations
Who I am, what I expect from
my partner, and what sex
means to me.
Safety
My emotional, physical, spiritual,
and sexual safety requests and
requirements.
Create your own talk
STARS is a framework that helps you have the meaningful and
intimate discussions that are vital to sexual relationships. Beyond
baseline consent, we need to understand what we truly want in
our sexual relationships, be it a hook-up or deeper intimacy.
Understanding your STARS (Your Sexual health needs, what Turns
you on, what you want to Avoid, your honest Relationship
intentions and expectations and what Safety protocols you need)
will propel you toward a fulfilling sex life.
This is a guide for you to develop your own STARS Talk. The prompts
are to help you write your own STARS, to keep and to share. The
STARS Talk is not static, things will change and develop as you
continue to deepen your understanding and experiences of the
five elements. Keeping a written document is helpful for journaling
your experiences and viewing your growth and change, while also
having something available to share with others.
The STARS Talk can take place at any time in a relationship, but it is
best done early and before the clothes come off, if possible. STARS
can be much more than just a consent talk. It can be a way to
better understand ourselves. Potentially, it can even be a path to
reclaiming intimacy through sex, if we so desire. STARS helps
provide the emotional, physical and spiritual safety we need, to
treat one another with dignity in our sexual relationships.
Create your STARS Talk, Share your STARS Talk
Have the sex you truly desire.
The private information
described and disclosed in
this Document/Workbook is
completely confidential and
shall remain the exclusive
property of _______. It shall not
Destiny Perkins
be disclosed to anybody else
under any circumstances
whatsoever without the
express prior consent of
_________.
Destiny Perkins
03 27 2022
My last STI testing date was: ____/____/_______
My usual testing regimen is:
❑ 3 months
❑ 6 months
❑ Yearly
❑
✔ Before each new partner
❑ I have not been sexually active since my last test
❑ Other:
I was tested for the following and my results were:
Note: GC/Chlamydia Throat and Anal, Hepatitis C, and Herpes
Simplex (HSV) antibody testing are not routinely done, but if
specifically obtained, then disclose:
❑ GC/Chlamydia Genital ❑ Positive ❑
✔ Negative
❑ GC/Chlamydia Throat ❑ Positive ❑ Negative ❑ Not tested
❑ GC/Chlamydia Anal ❑ Positive ❑ Negative ❑ Not tested
❑ HIV ❑ Positive ❑
✔
Negative ❑ OnPrEP
❑ Syphilis ❑ Positive ❑
✔
Negative
❑ HPV with my Pap Test ❑ Positive ❑ Negative ❑ Immunized
❑ Hepatitis B ❑ Positive ❑
✔
Negative ❑ Immunized
❑ Hepatitis C ❑ Positive ❑ Negative ❑ Not tested
❑ HSV 1 IgG antibody ❑ Positive ❑ Negative ❑ Equivocal
❑ HSV 2 IgG antibody ❑ Positive ❑ Negative ❑ Equivocal
Sexual History
I live with the following STIs:
❑ Genital Herpes: ❑HSV1 ❑HSV2
I have break-outs about ____ times a year
My known triggers are:
I [❑ use ❑ do not use] antiviral medication
❑ HIV
❑ On Antiretroviral medication
❑ HPV
❑ I was diagnosed on a pap test within the last two years
❑ I had this in the past and it is now cleared
❑ Hepatitis B
❑Chronic [❑ active ❑ inactive]
❑ Hepatitis C
❑ Within the last 2 years I have had external Genital Warts
Risk Awareness:
❑ I currently have more than one sexual partner
❑ Since my last test, I haven't used a barrier with:
❑ oral penetration
❑ genital penetration
❑ anal penetration
❑ Within the last 12 months, I have/had a partner with:
❑ Genital Herpes
❑ Active HPV: ❑ Being treated or watched
❑ HIV: ❑ They (❑ are ❑ are not) on antiretroviral medication
❑ Other relevant risk factors to discuss:
I am on medications that:
❑ Affect my ability to orgasm
❑ Decrease or ❑ increase my sex drive
❑ Have a (❑ positive ❑ negative) effect on my erections
❑ Have a (❑ positive ❑ negative) effect on my ability to lubricate
I have the following physical limitations/concerns:
Medical issues that may affect my ability to have sex:
Mental health issues that may affect my ability to have sex:
Vulvar/Vaginal Health Penis/Testicular Health
❑ Recurrent vaginosis (Bacterial/Yeast) ❑ Pain issues
❑ Pain issues (Vaginismus, Vulvodynia) ❑ Erection issues
❑ Menstrual concerns ❑ I take ED medication
❑ Surgeries ❑ Surgeries
❑ Vaginal dryness (need for lube) ❑ Other:
❑ Other:
Age related changes I have these needs:
❑ Hormonal ❑✔ Handwashing prior to any insertion
❑ Strength ❑✔ Oral hygiene prior to oral sex
❑ Flexibility/Agility ❑ Urinating before and after sex
❑ Other: ❑ Other:
Notes:
Use these as prompts.
They may fall under Turn-ons for some,
and Avoids for others.
In order to ground and feel connected before intimacy, I need this:
❑✔ Conversation
❑✔ Friendship
❑✔ Dating without sex for a certain length of time
❑ Romance
❑ Hand holding
❑✔ Curiosity/Playfulness
❑✔ Eye gazing/breathing together
❑✔ Caressing
❑✔ Kissing
❑✔ Cuddling
❑✔
Sexting
❑
✔ Dirty Talk
❑ Sexy photos
❑ Other:
My love languages are and what they mean for me:
❑ Gifts ❑ Giving ❑ Receiving
Meaning:
❑ Touch ❑ Giving ❑ Receiving
Meaning:
❑
✔ Quality time ❑
✔ Giving ❑
✔ Receiving
Meaning:
❑ Acts of Service ❑ Giving ❑ Receiving
Meaning:
❑
✔ Words of Affirmations ❑
✔ Giving ❑
✔ Receiving
Meaning:
Use these as prompts.
They may fall under Turn-ons for some,
and Avoids for others.
Ⓡ
Wheel of Consent : ([Link])
I especially enjoy _____ would you consent to it?
❑ Serving: Giving to you, for your pleasure, turns me on (doer)
❑ Accepting: Being Served, for my pleasure, turns me on (done
to)
❑ Taking: Taking, for my pleasure, turns me on (doer)
❑ Allowing: Being Taken, for your pleasure, turns me on (done to)
What does consent look like to you:
My favorite places to be touched are:
I like to be touched
❑ Lightly
❑✔ Firmly
❑ Scratchy
❑ Other:
My relationship with having an orgasm is:
Orgasms are [❑ ✔
challenging ❑ easy] for me to achieve
I tend to [❑cum fast ❑ ✔
take time]
I [❑
✔
need ❑don’t need] to have an orgasm to feel fulfilled
Sexy things I enjoy doing for my partner’s pleasure are:
Sexy things I enjoy for my pleasure are:
Use these as prompts.
They may fall under Turn-ons for some,
and Avoids for others.
Some things I’d like to explore with you are:
Things I enjoy but may be too shy to ask for in the moment:
Things I enjoy doing to myself during sex, regardless of what
you’re doing to me:
Things to know about my turn-ons:
❑✔ My body may be turned-on even if I am not hard/wet
❑✔ I get quiet when I am turned-on
❑ I get very loud when I am turned-on
I (❑ enjoy ❑ don’t enjoy) public displays of affection
❑ Other:
Notes:
Honor your“No’s” along with your “Yes’s”
Potential Avoids:
❑
✔
Avoid ❑ Curious Intoxication
❑ Avoid ❑
✔
Curious Public displays
❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Strong perfumes/odors
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Poor hygiene
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Yelling
❑ Avoid ❑
✔ Curious Conversations during sex
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Barebacking (sex without a condom)
❑ Avoid ❑
✔
Curious Orgasmic fluids into mouth
❑
✔
Avoid ❑ Curious Degrading words
❑ Avoid ❑
✔
Curious Deep throating
❑ Avoid ❑
✔ Curious Choking
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Humiliation
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Surprise anal penetration
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Stealthing (removing a condom without consent)
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Surprises (sex that has not been consented to
beforehand)
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Starfishing/dead fishing (no feedback during sex.
ensure that it is not a trauma response)
❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Renegotiation during sexual activity (asking for
more than what was originally consented to,
during sex)
Other:
Honor your“No’s” along with your “Yes’s”
My Turn-Offs are:
My Maybe's are (things that I may not be interested in now, but
may change with time):
My Absolute No's are:
Don’t ask me if I love you during inter-course
Things that make me feel unsafe are:
Gaslighting
I do not like to be touched here:
I do not like to be touched in this way:
Do not refer to my genitals using these words:
L
Body Fluids
Ejaculation fluid and how I feel about it:
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ ✔ Curious On my body
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ ✔ Curious On my face
❑ Turn-On ❑✔
Avoid ❑ Curious In my vagina
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ ✔
Curious In my mouth
❑ Turn-On ❑✔
Avoid ❑ Curious In my anus
Menstruation (blood) and sex:
❑ Yes, I feel comfortable with this
✔ Yes with these caveats: Preparation, no head
❑
❑ No, I would rather not have period sex
Trauma History
❑ I have a known trauma history
When I get triggered, my trauma reaction can look like this:
❑ Withdrawal, words stop coming from my mouth, shutdown
(Dissociation)
❑ Running away, leaving abruptly (Flight)
❑ Yelling, raging, anger (Fight)
❑ Stopping moving, becoming silent, no eye contact (Freeze)
❑ Going along with you, even if I don’t want something (Fawn)
These are triggers for me:
What I need to do if I am triggered:
What I need from you if I am triggered:
Other Things to Consider that can be Turn-Ons and/or Avoids:
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑
✔ Curious Lights
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑
✔ Curious Sounds/Music preferences
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Pornography
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious High frequency of sexual encounters
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Low frequency of sexual encounters
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Sex toys
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Talking during sex
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Vanilla sex
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Kinky sex
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Receptive/ Bottoming
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑
✔ Curious Insertive/Topping
❑
✔
Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Oral sex (blow jobs, cunnilingus)
❑ Turn-On ❑
✔
Avoid ❑ Curious Analingus/rimming
❑ Turn-On ❑
✔
Avoid ❑ Curious Anal sex (receptive/insertive)
❑
✔
Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Sensations, impacts, pain
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑
✔ Curious Exhibitionism/Voyeurism
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Power play (Submissive/Domination)
❑
✔ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Fast pace
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑
✔
Curious Slow pace
❑
✔
Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Long duration (marathon sex)
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑
✔
Curious Short duration (quickies)
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Alcohol:
❑ Turn-On ❑
✔ Avoid ❑ Curious Drugs: Anything but weed
❑ Turn-On ❑ Avoid ❑ Curious Different positions
Turn-on Positions:
Avoid Positions:
Notes:
This Is Me:
My sexual orientation is:
Bisexual
My pronouns and gender orientation are:
She/her/they
My preferred relationship style:
❑ Monogamous
❑
✔ Nonmonogamous
❑ Swinger
❑ Open Relationship
❑ Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
❑ Hierarchical Polyamorous
❑ Nonhierachical Polyamorous
❑ Kitchen Table Poly
❑ Relationship Anarchy
❑ Other style:
If partnered:
My partner(s)' pronouns, gender orientation(s) and sexual orientation(s):
My partner(s) has/have a penis(es)/vulva(s)/other:
My agreements with my partner(s) are:
This Is What I Am Looking For:
❑ Romantic relationship, long term potential
❑ Domestic Partner
❑ Hook-up, Casual sex
❑ Companion, Friendship
❑ Play partner, Lover, Comet
❑ I'm not sure
❑ Other:
My intentions (motivation/hopes/desires) with you are:
What sex means to me: Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally
Some of my core values around sex are:
Expectations
If we are to become sexual partners, I need:
After a date, I need:
Example: Who initiates contact (if that is important), a check-in, nothing
If we decide not to date, I need:
Example: Text, call, email, no contact
Financially, I expect:
Example: For me to pay, for you to pay, 50/50, whoever asks the other out
After sex I like to:
Example: be quiet, be held, smoke a cigarette, conversation, eat ice
cream
Regarding Family (& Children), and introductions, I need:
If we are to become romantic partners I expect:
❑ Sex
❑ No sex until marriage or commitment
❑ Traditional marriage
❑ Domestic partnership/Nesting partner
❑ Family involvement
❑ Children
❑ Sexual Exclusivity
❑ Open Relationship
What does Sexual Exclusivity or an Open Relationship look like for you?
❑ Financial intertwinement
❑ Financially independent
❑ Sovereignty/Autonomy
❑ Interdependency
❑ Commitment to personal growth
❑ Commitment to relationship growth
❑ Other:
Notes:
For safer sex I use barriers with:
❑ Oral
❑ Penetration
❑ Toys
I do not use barriers for:
My barriers include:
❑ Condoms
❑ Dental dams
❑ Gloves
❑ Other:
I use prophylactic anti-viral meds (PrEP, Herpes meds)
❑ Yes ❑ No
I would like my partner(s) to use prophylactic anti-viral meds
❑ Yes ❑ No ❑ No opinion either way
To prevent pregnancy, I use:
If an unintended pregnancy were to occur, this would mean:
If you have other partners, I need this from you (barriers discussion):
My needs around mind altering substances and sex are:
I am okay with using ____ during sex
❑ Alcohol
❑ Cannabis
❑ Other recreational drugs:
I am okay with my partner using ____ during sex
❑ Alcohol
❑ Cannabis
❑ Other recreational drugs:
If we are going to be intimate, I need ____ to feel safer
emotionally:
Trust means this to me:
It is created by:
Vulnerability means this to me:
Is created by:
If this is a hook-up, I need ____ to feel safer:
Neurologically speaking, I experience the world in this way:
❑ Neurotypical
❑ Neurodivergent
❑ ADHD
❑ Autism
❑ Audio Processing Difficulties
❑ Other:
I ask for patience around this with these needs:
For my mental/emotional health, my safety needs are:
For my physical safety, I do the following:
❑ Make others aware of my location.
❑ Keep my phone on and near me.
❑ Have a friend call me.
❑ Other:
For my spiritual safety, I would like you to understand my:
❑ Belief system around God/Divine/Source
❑ Religious Values
❑ Sexuality and its relationship to the Sacred
❑ Other, or elaborations from above:
Race, Ethnicity, and Culture Communication
❑ I am open to having conversations surrounding my
race/ethnicity/culture
❑ I am open to having conversations surrounding my partner’s
race/ethnicity/culture
Given my racial/ethnic/cultural background, my needs and
sensitivities are:
How do I respond if I experience either implicit and/or explicit
racism, and therefore the above has not been met or taken into
consideration?
How do I react when I am held accountable for doing something
racist?
When I am held accountable in regards to racist actions, I need:
❑ To take a moment to process
❑ Further clarification/conversation
❑ Them to hold space for my response
❑ Other:
❑ If I am higher up in a social power hierarchy, it is my
responsibility to hold space for others that are lower in the
social power hierarchy
In regards to being a BIPOC person, I experience/have
experienced:
❑ Being fetishized
❑ Expectations regarding gender norms in my specific
race/ethnicity/culture
❑ My identity as my race/ethnicity/culture being ignored/not
acknowledged
❑ People guessing my race/ethnicity/culture
❑ Exploration of my own beauty standards/definitions
❑ A certain ease with other BIPOC people
❑ Other:
If I hold someone accountable in regards to racist comments, I
want to (❑ hold space ❑ not hold space) for their response.
I (❑ want ❑ don’t want) to support a partner's journey of anti-
racism. Why, or why not:
Response to Discomfort or Unsafety
If I am feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, this is how I will
communicate in order to uphold my needs:
How do I hold others accountable?
How do I react, and/or respond, when I am held accountable, in
general?
Notes: