​ALL OUT​

​A comedy by JOHN RESTER ZODROW​

​There are three TV cameras fully manned by two​
​CAMERA Me and one CAMERAWOMAN on​
​stage. There is a STAGE MANAGER, complete​
​with headphones, below stage level. We are in a​
​full-fledged TV studio. Any props, such as TV​
​monitors, applause signs, microphones, etc.​
​should be used to further convince the audience​

​The house lights dim. The curtain does not rise. A single​
​spot lights up and Lloyd Wright, the​
​ANNOUNCER, steps out onto the stage. His​
​manner is breezy and fast, as is the entire play.​
​Theme music up - something American like​
​Sousa.​

​ANNOUNCER.. Hiya, hiya, game fans! As you might​

​have guessed, I’m Lloyd Wright, the familiar​
​voice behind your screen every night. Now, don’t​
​worry because Jonny Mitchell, the star of our​
​show, will be out shortly. I’m here to do what’s​
​called a warm-up, get everybody greased. And​
​since we can’t pass out the booze in this TV​
​studio, the next best thing is to get you to laugh a​
​bit while I tell you the rules and regulations of​
​ALL OUT​​and what we need you to do. Yes, we​
​need you, adies and gentlemen. For without you,​
​this show will be a flop. Hey, I got a good one for​
​you. You know why Christians were made? Well,​
 s​ omebody had to buy retail!​​(He laughs at his​
​own joke so hard that the AUDIENCE thinks his​
​laughter is funny)​​Okay, good, you’re a good​
​group! Now, we’re on the air shortly. Now, an​
​applause sign will shoot out whenever Johnny or​
​somebody makes a joke or whenever the​
​producers feel it’s right to applaud. Now, you​
​don’t have to. But, like I said, without you, we​
​haven’t got a chance. So, please. What do you​
​say?​​(He applauds. AUDIENCE joins in)​​Good!​
​Good! Louder! That’s terrific!​​(He instructs the​
​audience to stop)​​You’re terrific.​
​OFFSTAGE VOICE. Fifteen!​
​ANNOUNCEER. Remember, we’re the only live show​
​on television in America today. And it’s up to​
​you to make it a success. Applaud when you feel​
​like it and make it strong! For the first time, the​
​audience is as important to the success of a show​
​as the contestants. You wanna good night of​
​entertainment, roll up your sleeves and jump in!​
​OFFSTAGE VOICE. Five, four, three…​
​ANNOUNCER. You’ve shivered at the $64,000​
​Questions, wept for the winners of Queen For a​
​Day, rooted for Let’s Make a Deal! Now prepare​
​yourselves for the game show of all game shows!​
​The ultimate, the fantastic, death-defying, the​
​only fame show that will ever make the Guinness​
​book, the unbelievable one hundred thousand​
 d​ ollar show of shows…​​ALL OUT!​​And now,​
​ladies and gentlemen, here’s your host of hosts,​
​the one, the only… Johnny Mitchell!​
​JOHNNY. Thank you, thank you. Welcome, ladies and​
​gentlemen, to​​ALL OUT​​, the game of all game​
​shows.. The grandaddy of the ancestors… the​
​freak of all freaks… the big ferris wheel in the​
​sky… the only show, even when in syndication,​
​that beat out​​Yellowstone​​in the ratings! We are​
​pleased to be with you. And if it wasn’t for our​
​loyal TV audience, none of this would be​
​possible! Give yourselves a hand.​
​(Applause sign)​
​Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, each show​
​we select four contestants from the studio​
​audience. Are you ready our there for your lives​
​to change forever? Are you ready, audience?​
​AUDIENCE/ANNOUNCER: Ready!​
​JOHNNY. That’s good, because, Mary Rosenberg, I​
​want you… to come on down!​
​MARY enters from the audience.​
​JOHNNY. Hello, Mary Rosenberg, are you excited?​
​MARY. Oh, Johnny, I’m so excited. I have to win tonight​
​to prove to Sid I’m worthy of him. He’s the man I​
​love!​
​JOHNNY. And just who is this lucky guy, Mary?​
​MARY. Sid is my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for six​
​years.​
​JOHNNY. And tonight you plan to prove that you’re as​
​good as Sid, and that will convince him to marry​
​you? i​
​MARY. It’s a little more complicated than that.​
​JOHNNY.​ ​(to audience)​​Scarlett O’Hara has nothing on​
​this woman.​​(to MARY)​​Welcome aboard, Mary​
​Rosenberg.​​(applause)​​Now for our next​
​contestant, journeying all the way from Los​
​Angeles… Julia Colby! Come on down, Julia!​
​JULIA. Accchhhh! I don’t believe it!​
​JOHNNY. Hellllllooooo, Julia! You’ve just been picked​
​to try to win one hundred thousand dollars. What​
​do you think of that?​
​JULIA. I’m real tough, Johnny. I’m gonna give it my​
​best!​
​JOHNNY. And how about it? Who are you, Julia?​
​JULIA. I’m poor, but I’ve never been on welfare a day​
​of my life! And if I win tonight, I’m gonna use​
​that money to move my whole family uptown!​
​I’m so happy, I’m beside myself!​
​JOHNNY. And I hear this is your​​last​​chance, is that​
​right, Julia?​
​JULIA. I hate to think of it that way, Johnny. But it’s​
​true. If I don’t win tonight, I don’t know how​
​much longer I can keep my head above water.​
​JOHNNY. Julia, we are glad your name was picked​
​tonight. You are the kind of contestant we like to​
​have with us!​​(to AUDIENCE)​​Does she stay,​
 s​ tudio audience?​​(applause)​​Wonderful!​
​Wonderful! Our next contestant is… Mr. Charles​
​Ritter!​
​CHARLEY. My friends call me Charley! I’m gonna win!​
​JOHNNY. Did you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? Here​
​a man who’s sure of himself.​​(applause,​
​laughter)​​What makes you so sure of yourself,​
​Charley?​
​CHARLEY. Because, Johnny, I’m gonna go all out!​
​There is nothing that can stop me! I’ll do​
​anything to win!​
​JOHNNY. Anything, Charley?​
​CHARLEY. Anything!​
​JOHNNY. That’s the spirit! Tell us a few incidentals​
​about yourself, Charley.​
​CHARLEY. Well, we’re out here on vacation right now.​
​My wife and me. Hello, Elaine! Do you believe​
​this? We make our home, Johnny, in Colby,​
​Kansas. Nice town. Got a little land too.​
​JOHNNY. Compared to our first two contestants,​
​Charley Ritter, you don’t seem as desperate.​
​CHARLEY. You’re looking at a sour man, Johnny. I get​
​boils. On my neck, stomach. Happens every time​
​I get depressed. And I've been depressed for two​
​years now. I read somewhere, too, that if you​
​don’t like yourself, you grow cancers, make​
​yourself sick in a hundred different ways! And​
 t​hat’s what’s gonna happen to me, Johnny! I can​
​feel it coming!​
​JOHNNY. Is that right?​
​CHARLEY. God’s truth.​
​JOHNNY.​​(to AUDIENCE)​​Ladies and gentlemen!​
​Charley Ritter stays?​​(applause)​​One more! Who​
​will it be?​​(poignant pause)​​Corporal George​
​Reeeeeedy!​
​JOHNNY. A Member of our armed forces! Corporal​
​George Reedy, ladies and gentlemen.​
​GEORGE. Hi. Hello.​
​JOHNNY. I used the term “armed” George. Sorry about​
​that. Can I ask​​how​​you lost your limb?​
​GEORGE. Claymore mine. I stepped on one of our own.​
​JOHNNY. And where did this happen, George?​
​GEORGE. Near An Loc, sir. But I don’t miss it! I mean,​
​my arm.​
​JOHNNY. What a wonderfully tough spirit! Ladies and​
​gentlemen, George Reedy!​​(applause)​​Now on​
​with the show! Lloyd Wright, what’s our first​
​prize?​
​ANNOUNCER. For our first game, Johnny, we have a​
​year’s supply of Contract Suds, and for each of​
​our players who succeed… one thousand dollars!​
​JOHNNY. To win​​ALL OUT​​and our final prize, you​
​must play to the finish. There are four rounds. If​
​you drop out at any time, you forfeit all of your​
​prizes and money. Is that clear? And now, for our​
 f​ irst game…​​(reveal of a small machine with a​
​handle on it. ‘Oooh’ sign?)​
​GEORGE. It’s a XB-7 torture unit.​
​JOHNNY. Right you are, George. But we warrant it will​
​not hurt you seriously.​
​GEORGE.​​(under breath)​​If it’s not on too long.​
​JOHNNY. Now the object of this first round is to take​
​hold of this handle. Lloyd here will throw the​
​switch on the side. You must last five seconds.​
​Who’s first?​
​GEORGE. I’ll go. I think I know how these things work.​
​He steps up to the machine. GEORGE is immediately​
​straightened by the current. His face, however,​
​remains immobile, hiding any suffering.​
​JOHNNY. Four, five! Wonderful! Audience, can you​
​give him a big hand! All right, who’s next?​
​JULIA. I am. Here!​​(She steps up to the machine.​
​ANNOUNCER starts up the machine.)​
​AHHHHHHH!​
​JOHNNY. Five! Are you alright, Julia Colby?​
​JULIA. I’m okay, okay.​
​CHARLEY. Okay, let’s get it over!​
​JOHNNY. Are you afraid, Charley? A little bit?​
​CHARLEY. I’m not afraid of anything!​​(ANNOUNCER​
​throws the switch. CHARLEY’S hands tighten,​
​legs buckle, his face turns red, his eyes roll back​
​in his head.​
​JOHNNY. Five!​
​ HARLEY.​​(out of breath)​​Is that all? That… that it?​
C
​JOHNNY.​​(guiding him)​​Over here, Charley. And last,​
​but not least, Mary Rosenberg. Will you do it?​
​MARY. I used to be… epileptic, Johnny, I …​
​ANNOUNCER.​​(to MARY)​​No one heard that. Keep​
​going.​
​MARY. I suppose it’s okay…​​(She steps up to the​
​machine, hands shaking. She grabs the handle of​
​the machine hard. ANNOUNCER throws the​
​switch.)​​AHHHHHH!​​(Her body begins to​
​convulse. JOHNNY looks to ANNOUNCER​
​worried)​
​JOHNNY. Mary, let go. Let go!​​(she doesn’t)​​Lloyd,​​kill​
​the juice, kill it!​
​The studio goes silent. Then in a moment, ANNOUNCER​
​rushes out, lifts MARY from the floor, and carries​
​her offstage.​
​A beat.​
​JOHNNY. While we wait to hear back from Mary,​
​what’s the next game, Lloyd!​
​ANNOUNCER. The next portion of our show is called​
​“Greet Your Loved Ones”.​
​JOHNNY. Thank you, Lloyd! Now, contestants, each of​
​you has brought a loved one with you tonight?​
​(CONTESTANTS ad lib affirmative)​
​Mary enters disheveled​
​JOHNNY. Mary, welcome back. You took quite the jolt.​
​Now let’s meet those loved ones!​
​ OVED ONES enter​
L
​JOHNNY. Each of you know these people. Would you​
​identify your loved ones by leading them down​
​and then standing in front of them? Now, for the​
​sum of two thousand, five hundred dollars, you​
​must strike your loved one in the face. The​
​audience will be the judge of whether you have​
​won the prize money. Do I hear any quitters?​
​Very well. Julia, prooooooocceeeeed!​
​JULIA hesitates, then softly cuffs WILLY.​
​ANNOUNCER. Booooooo!​
​JOHNNY. The ladies and gentlemen in our studio​
​audience do not agree that you deserve the​
​twenty-five hundred.​
​JULIA. Oh, no! Willy!​
​WIlly. Go ahead, ma. I been hit before. We gotta have​
​that money.​
​JULIA swings full and knocks WILLY down. Applause​
​JOHNNY. She’s done it! Julia is our first winner!​
​Charley Ritter!​
​CHARLEY.​​(to wife)​​We agreed, remember?​
​ELAINE. I’m scared. Don’t hurt me, Charley.​
​CHARLEY. I got to, honey. We’re gonna win!​​(ELAINE​
​closes her eyes. CHARLEY backhands her hard.​
​Very hard. She stumbles)​
​ELAINE. Oh, Charley…​​(applause)​
​JOHNNY. You’ve won, Charley Ritter! You’re a winner!​
​Two winners, ladies and gentlemen. And now,​
 ​ ary Rosenberg, how do you feel tonight… like​
M
​a winner?​
​MARY faces SID but stops halfway​
​SID. Go ahead, baby.​
​MARY. I… can’t hit you, Sid.​
​SID. Think of my mother. It’ll help.​
​MARY. Sid, I… I can’t!​​(She drops her hand.​
​ANNOUNCER moans in disbelief.)​
​SID. You want to win, don’t you?​
​MARY wacks him in the face. SID hugs her, happy at her​
​success for both of them.​
​MARY. I’ll never hit you again.​
​JOHNNY. Unbelievable! George Reedy, will you go all​
​out?​
​GEORGE studies his MOTHER. The AUDIENCE quiets.​
​His MOTHER is looking up into his stare.​
​GEORGE. I can’t… I won’t.​
​MOTHER. That’s right, George. It will sting me for a​
​while. But it will wound you forever, wound you​
​deeper than you already are. This is beneath you,​
​beneath all of us.​​(She looks at the other​
​CONTESTANTS. GEORGE smiles and leads​
​MOTHER offstage. Silence)​
​JOHNNY. Well, goodbye, GEORGE RITTER! That​
​really surprised me, didn’t it you, studio​
​audience? I mean, you can never tell. Thank you,​
​loved ones, you’ve been great sports. Now this​
​we will escort you back to your seats in the​
 a​ udience. Let’s give them a hand, huh, folks.​
​They do deserve it, don’t they?​
​JOHNNY escorts LOVED ONES offstage​
​ANNOUNCER. Our next game is “Tell a Little Lie​
​About Yourself”. Because this part of the show is​
​personal, we want you, contestant - one by one-​
​to come right out here by Johnny, right here on​
​the apron of the stage, and talk to the audience.​
​Now, Julia, Charley, Mary - who’s first?​
​JULIA. Me, I want to get it over with!​
​JOHNNY. Do you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? She​
​wants to get it over with! All right. Step out here​
​with me, Julia. Right out here, that’s right. Now,​
​Julia, you must tell the audience something about​
​yourself. A dark secret no one knows but​
​yourself. A secret so terrible it will damage your​
​reputation. We all have those dirty little secrets,​
​don’t we, Julia?​
​JULIA. I… I guess so.​
​JOHNNY. That’s right. And remember, this is​​ALL OUT​​.​
​There is no going back once you’ve started, and​
​you​​have​​started, Julia. Quit now, and it’s all​
​over.​
​JULIA. How much is this for, Johnny?​
​JOHNNY. This third segment of our game is for… fifty​
​thousand dollars!​
​JULIA. Fifty… and all I gotta do is tell something​
​terrible about myself.​
​ NNOUNCER. Give ‘em drama, but not too much.​
A
​JULIA. Don’t worry. This Okie’s gonna blow your​
​mind! I only got a sixth-grade education. You​
​might call me dumb!​​(no applause)​​I got seven​
​kids, all poor, and they got… four different​
​fathers!​​(no applause)​
​JOHNNY. Better give ‘em more than that, Julia.​
​JULIA. Well… I've been on the streets some… You​
​might as well know, I walked some… You know​
​what a walker is? I got… I got something… you​
​know… some sickness…I ain’t never told​
​anybody this.. People’d stay away from me.​
​(anguished)​​There ain’t no more cure ‘cause I let​
​it go too long without medicine. Oh, it wasn’t​
​nothing more’n a rash when it first showed up.​
​Then it went away, and I forgot all about it. You​
​know how easy that is to do, don’t you? But now,​
​I got maybe… the doctors figure maybe I got a​
​year… maybe a year before.. And I can’t leave​
​‘em all, I just can’t! Praise God, I got to come on​
​this show! I got my chance, I got my chance… I​
​got my chance​​(she succumbs to her sobbing)​
​JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen?​​(he starts the​
​applause)​​That was touching, Julia. Very, very​
​touching.​​(A beat)​​Congratulations! You have​
​won fifty thousand dollars! And now, who’s next,​
​contestants? Who can top, Julia Colby?​
​CHARLEY. I’d like to go next, Johnny!​
​JOHNNY. You’re on to go all out, Charley Ritter! Do​
​your thing!​
​CHARLEY. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m a man who​
​knows what it’s like to work all his life and wind​
​up with​​(raspberry)​​-nothing. Zilch! I got a good​
​wife. Elaine and I’ve had five kids - one died at​
​birth. That was tough.​​(no audience response)​
​Well, I don’t really have anything bad to tell​
​about myself. Not like those two anyway.​
​JOHNNY. I don’t think you’re getting close to winning​
​fifty thousand big ones, Charley.​
​CHARLEY. But that’s the truth!​
​JOHNNY. We don’t want the truth, Charley.​
​CHARLEY. Yeah, yeah, I know. Okay, okay! I… get​
​drunk every once in a while - nothing serious,​
​you know, but I get ripped every now and then …​
​I mean… I… I … love my wife… but I’ve​
​played around. I mean, I’m on the road a lot, and​
​there are always women who like to have a drink​
​with you. I mean, not a lot of women. Well, not​
​very many at all. But a few. You know, who are​
​lonely as you. You ever been in the Fort​
​Worth-Dallas Airport at four in the morning? It’s​
​the loneliest place in the world. And you meet​
​somebody and you talk, that’s how it is. Don’t be​
​angry, Elaine. I had this affair… affairs really…​
​they weren’t much…​​(no audience response)​
 ​ ell, what the hell do you want from me? I told​
W
​you as much as that broad did!​
​JOHNNY. Not enough, Charley. Fifty thousand dollars​
​buys a lot more than that.​
​CHARLEY. Okay. Okay. I had a brother once. He was​
​older than me. A real whizz. Better at most​
​anything, you know. God, how mom and dad​
​loved him. And how I… envied him. We were up​
​at Lake Concourse, and Joe and I thought we’d​
​climb the SADDLE BACK. It was my idea. It​
​was ordinary but… I knew he was afraid to climb​
​the mountain​​(pause).​​When he fell… we were​
​just going up this little chimney, just hand​
​climbing.. I turned around and saw him hanging​
​there, maybe fifteen, maybe twenty feet below​
​me, and he wasn’t in any real danger - just, you​
​know, hanging there on a slant. I turned around​
​and pulled myself up another five feet and, boy,​
​did it feel good! God, it felt good! “Charley,” he​
​cried, “help me, I’m getting tired!” I never even​
​turned around. Never stopped climbing.​
​(haunted)​​I never even turned around. Nobody​
​was going to take that away from me. I was the​
​winner for once. You can understand that! I kept​
​on.. Going… kept on and on and….​​(he is in a​
​trance. The AUDIENCE breaks into applause.​
​For a moment, CHARLEY doesn’t hear, then he​
​looks up and realizes. His expression, however,​
 d​ oes not change. Even through his smile, he looks​
​drained)​
​JOHNNY. A wonderful story, Charley! Congratulations.​
​You’ve won fifty thousand dollars! Mary​
​Rosenberg? Come up here and tell a little story​
​about yourself.​​(He takes MARY by the arm and​
​leads her DS, then leaves her alone. We can see​
​JOHNNY hovering)​
​MARY. Now what kind of bad things can you say about​
​someone like me? Would you believe I’m really a​
​secret agent who assassinates people… No? Well.​
​(Pause)​​Hello, out there, Sid. You wanna plug​
​your ears up? I mean, there are some things that​
​should be secret between us. Sid loves to argue.​
​He says it’s a sign that a relationship’s alive! We​
​argue from morning to night. A constant​
​seven-day war! Yep. And are we happy? Let me​
​tell you! Sometimes, when he’ll win an argument​
​in the daytime, I’ll wait until the middle of the​
​night. I’ll set the alarm, then wake up and call​
​him! He isn’t much good at night, so I always​
​win! That’s why I’m here tonight. To prove to​
​Sid I​​am​​a winner!​​(Silence)​​Well, after Sid and I​
​got together, he wanted to have a kid. Wanted one​
​real bad! I mean, that was all he talked about.​
​You know, the whole shot. Natural childbirth,​
​being there when it was born, playing mother to​
​it when I was away. Anyway… I was off the pill​
 a​ nd in a couple of months - to my surprise - I got​
​pregnant. I mean, I’d heard if you’d been on the​
​pill for a long time, it’d take a year for your body​
​to just get normal, and here I was! And it was in​
​its third month before I found out. I never told​
​Sid I was pregnant. I never told anyone. I just​
​went and …​​(stops dead. MARY breaks down)​
​Oh, for crying out loud! I nearly did it! I nearly​
​lost my Jake! I was about to admit something I’m​
​ashamed of, something I should maybe tell Jake​
​in private. But I’m not going to say it up here.​
​And you want to know why not? Because it’s​
​none of your business! You can take your fifty​
​thousand dollars and blow it out your ear!​​(She​
​storms off. There is no applause).​
​JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll return shortly.​
​Stay tuned! The big banana is next! One hundred​
​thousand dollars and​​ALL OUT!​
​ANNOUNCER.​​(to MARY/CHARLEY)​​Sign these.​
​CHARLEY. What is it?​
​ANNOUNCER. Legal. It releases the show from any​
​responsibility. You know, lawsuits and all that.​
​JULIA. What’s goin’ on;/​
​ANNOUNCER. Next round. You gotta sign to play.​
​That’s what our lawyers say. Hurry, c’mon, make​
​up your minds.​​(He thrusts the pen at them)​
​CHARLEY. Hell, I’ll sign.​
​JULIA. You should read it first!​​(CHARLEY scribbles​
​his name).​​You ain’t gonna really hurt us, are​
​you?​
​ANNOUNCER. I guarantee if you win, you’ll be able to​
​walk off this stage.​
​OFFSTAGE VOICE. We’re on in five!​
​ANNOUNCER. Julia, are you in or out?​
​JULIA. I need to read…​
​ANNOUNCER. IN OR OUT!​​(JULIA signs)​

​JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome back to ALL​

​OUT! We yet have two contestants! Charley​
​Ritter and Julia Colby have ascended to the peak.​
​The question is now, do they have it to go ALL​
​OUT? Will they try our last game?​​(to offstage​
​stage hand)​​Can we see our loved ones?​

​As the LOVED ONES enter, the CONTESTANTS rise​

​from their seats. Standing there are ELAINE and​
​WILLY. Each stands expectantly.​

​CHARLEY.​​(fearful)​​What is this? I thought we were​

​finished with all this?​
​JULIA. Well, it can’t be any worse than before, can it?​
​JOHNNY. Ladies and gents, here is the final game for​
​tonight. The fame that could catapult any of these​
​remaining three courageous contestants into one​
​hundred thousand dollars, now director from the​
 p​ roducers’ devious minds…​​(he pulls out an​
​envelope and rips it open. He reads, trying to​
​appear unaffected)​​A-ha! Oh, my. Oh, my! I…​
​uh… I …uh… I hope we haven’t gone too far​
​tonight!​
​CHARLEY. What is this? They can’t do something​
​horrible, can they?​
​JULIA. They can do anything they want. You oughta​
​know that by now.​
​JOHNNY. Okay. I understand. Boy! May we have the​
​instruments, please?​

​ANNOUNCER walks out with a satin pillow. On it are​

​two brutal-looking thirty-eight specials. There is​
​a gasp from the AUDIENCE and a buzz of​
​conversation.​

​JOHNNY. Now, then, the object of the game is simple.​

​Have any of you ever heard of Russian Roulette?​
​JULIA. You can’t do this! This is only a game show!​
​ANNOUNCER. The papers you signed, remember. ALL​
​OUT only suggests. You do the rest. Now, have​
​you ever heard of Russian Roulette?​
​CHARLEY. I know what it is. I've seen it in the movies,​
​but…​
​JOHNNY. Well, that’s not what this is.​
​JULIA. Whew! You really had me scared there for a​
​while!​
J​ OHNNY. Charley?​
​CHARLEY. Yeah, I was a little scared. But, I just knew​
​all along you couldn’t do a thing like that!​
​JOHNNY. And you were absolutely right, Charley​
​Ritter! This game is not Russian Roulette. It is​
​called Russian Roulette Once Removed!​​(he​
​spins and introduces WLAINE and WILLY)​ ​A​
​big hand for your new partners in ALL OUT!​
​(AUDIENCE applause)​
​CHARLEY. You mean she… hey, why, wait a minute!​
​Wait just a little minute. I’m willing to put my​
​own life on the line, but you can’t ask my wife to​
​do that!​
​JOHNNY. Now, don’t rush the game, Charley. Let me​
​explain first. We give you one bullet apiece. You​
​will insert it in each of your guns. But before,​
​you can talk it over. You discuss it between​
​yourselves and when you have your decisions,​
​you will turn to the audience and tell us whether​
​you have selected to go ALL OUT!​
​JULIA. But, I can’t force my boy to take this chance.​
​This is unfair!​
​JOHNNY. Convince him, Julia. Think what you can do​
​with one hundred thousand dollars. Of course,​
​the decision is all your own. We are not coercing​
​you in any way. It is your decision totally.​
​CHARLEY. Just a minute. I got a question. What​
​happens if… if the gun goes off?​
​ANNOUNCER. You didn’t read what you signed,​
​Charley. Funeral arrangements are​​your​
​responsibility​​.​​You have three minutes.​
​JOHNNY. And now we pause for a few quick messages.​
​So, don’t turn that dial. You are about to see the​
​whopping finish of ALL OUT!​​(to​
​ANNOUNCER furiously)​​Get me on the headset​
​now.​
​ANNOUNCER. Something wrong?​
​JOHNNY. I’m going to stop this right now!​
​ANNOUNCER. You can’t do that! We’re live!​
​JOHNNY.​​(on headset)​​Bill, you up there? Bill? Listen,​
​Bill, is this for real? I mean, those bullets we’re​
​giving these people are they…​​(listens to the​
​other end)​​Then we’ve got to stop this right now!​
​The audience out here will kill us. I can’t talk up.​
​I’ve got hundreds of eyes on me right now.​
​Listen, Bill, tell the producers… tell Stella and​
​Frank that this is wrong! They’ve gone too far,​
​Bill!​​(listen)​​For Chrissakes, hurry!​

​JULIA and WILLY are already in conversation​

​WILLY. You said it yourself, Mama. Seven kids. This​

​one’s not gonna be missed that bad.​
​JULIA. You think because a mother has seven of’em,​
​that they aren’t each one precious? I ain’t ever​
 t​old you this, but you’re the oldest… and you’ve​
​always been my favorite.​
​WILLY. Ma, ain’t nothing gonna happen. Believe me. I​
​spin it around, take my click, and we collect the​
​loot. We’ll be rich. We could buy ourselves a​
​house on a block that has green lawns!​
​Somewhere like Westchester! Somewhere close​
​to the ocean! You’ll see, we’ll be laughing and​
​hugging each other cause we’ll have that hundred​
​thousand in our pockets.​
​JULIA. Oh, Willy, I do want that money! I feel God​
​wanted us on this show!​
​Willy. You’re right. God doesn’t want us poor! Think of​
​three meals a day with meat. Think of no more​
​crime. No more hassles with the pigs. And all for​
​one little click.​​(JULIA nods, listening. Tears well​
​into her eyes)​
​ELAINE. Charley, let’s just go home. I forgive you for​
​what you did. I know how it is to be lonely and​
​away from home so much. A person gets weak,​
​turns around, forgetful of those who love him.​
​CHARLEY. I can’t go home now, Elaine. Don’t you see?​
​ELAINE. Charley, something I always wanted to tell​
​you. I know you’ve got an awful drive to make​
​money…​
​CHARLEY. Not make money! To be somebody. And​
​you are somebody if you got money. People pay​
​attention. They respect you!​
​ELAINE. Okay, you always wanted to be someone​
​special. And I’ve seen you drive yourself all the​
​time. And I figured that’s what a man is all about.​
​He’s gotta make a success out of himself.​
​Because failure is bad stuff. And I knew you​
​wanted to succeed, Charley. But I want to tell​
​you, you always did in my eyes.​
​CHARLEY. That isn’t enough. C’mon, Eolaine, it’ll be​
​easy!​
​ELAINE. Just a minute, Charley. I never pushed you, I​
​never interfered with your drive, did I?​
​CHARLEY. You were always the good wife, Elaine. Be​
​a honey now, and we can get on with it.​
​ELAINE. You know I love you. I love our children, too,​
​but you’re my man, and I love you more. I’d​
​gladly die for you, Charley, if it was something I​
​thought was really necessary. Something that​
​would make you happier.​
​CHARLEY. It’s the most important thing in our whole​
​lives. Don’t you see that, Elaine? We talked about​
​this before we came here.​
​ELAINE. I know. And I agreed to come along because it​
​seemed right for you to try really hard for this​
​money. But now, Charley, you’re asking too​
​much! Am I only worth one hundred thousand​
​dollars to you? Is that it, Charley?! After all these​
​years? Is that it?!​
​CHARLEY. Don’t yell! Of course you’re worth more!​
​ LAINE. Am I, Charley?​
E
​CHARLEY. My god, Elaine, we’ve come so far, don’t let​
​me down now!​
​ELAINE. Alright, Charley. If you ask me to do this​
​thing, I will.​​(pause)​​But I will not love you​
​anymore.​
​CHARLEY. Sure, you will. You love me now, don’t​
​you?​
​ELAINE. I have. I think if we left right now, I could go​
​on loving you.​
​CHARLEY. Elaine, honey! We’ll still be the same.​
​Things like that don’t change.​
​ELAINE. If won’t if you don’t ask me. Let’s go home​
​right now, Charley. We can just walk off right​
​now and forget this whole thing.​
​OFFSTAGE VOICE. On in five!​
​JOHNNY. Hello, ALL OUT fans, and welcome back to​
​the big one hundred thousand dollar portion of​
​our show. I know millions of you out there are​
​watching and waiting for the big answer. Will our​
​contestant go on and go all out? Let’s find out​
​right now! Julia Colby.​
​WILLY. She says she’s going on!​
​JOHNNY. I’m sorry, Willy. She must decide for herself.​
​What will it be, Julia?​
​WILLY. Look, we already decided–​
​JULIA. –NO! We’re not gonna do it! We’re not gonna​
​give…​​(at AUDIENCE)​​you out there a spectacle​
 o​ f us! We could use that money, probably more​
​than anybody up here. But I don’t want it. It costs​
​too much!​​(at WILLY)​​C’mon, let’s go home.​

​JULIA WILLY exit​

​JOHNNY. Julia Colby, ladies and gentlemen! A Big​

​hand for the lady! But she goes home with…​
​nothing!​​(audience applause)​​And now, game​
​show fans and fanatics, we have our final and​
​only contestant, Charley Ritter! Have you talked​
​it over, Charley?​
​CHARLEY. Yes, we did.​
​JOHNNY. And do you have a decision for us?​
​CHARLEY. Yeah.​​(pause)​​We want to do it!​​(He does​
​not look at ELAINE. The AUDIENCE goes wild​
​with applause.​
​JOHNNY. Ladies, gentlemen, we have a man who wants​
​to go ahead. And so, Lloyd, can we have it,​
​please?​

​ANNOUNCER enters again with the pillow. There is​

​only one thirty-eight special on its satin surface.​
​JOHNNY takes the gun and hands it to​
​CHARLEY.​

​JOHNNY.​​You​​load it, Charley. Rules of the game. Only​

​one.​
​(He hands it to CHARLEY, who immediately takes it,​
​then hesitates, but finally pops it in the revolving​
​chamber. He snaps it closed, pulls back the​
​hammer, and spins it around.​
​JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen. We are set! The​
​moment we have all been waiting for has arrived!​
​Hand Elaine the gun, Charley. Now, Elaine. On​
​One… and the audience will count down with​
​me. Okay Ten - Nine -​ ​(add ANNOUNCER)​
​Eight - Seven - Six -​​(Elaine cocks the hammer.​
​She never takes her eyes away from CHARLEY.)​
​Five - Four - Three​​(Elaine’s hand is shaking​
​badly)​​Two - One!​​(silence)​
​ELAINE. I hate you!​

​She pulls the trigger. Click. And before anyone knows​

​what’s happening, she pulls the trigger again.​
​Click. And again. Click. JOHNNY realizes what​
​she’s doing, rushes to her, and yanks the gun​
​away.​
​JOHNNY. Elaine. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never…​
​(He is overwhelmed, unable to speak)​
​ANNOUNCER. I always knew you didn’t have it in you.​
​Ladies and gentlemen of America, Charley and​
​Elaine Ritter have won! They now have one​
​hundred thousand dollars! Isn’t that great?​
​(silence. No applause)​​Let’s show the audience​
 ​ hat Charley and Elaine have won tonight!​​(A​
w
​suitcase of money is brought onstage. Surrounded​
​by guards)​​And here you are, Charley Ritter?​
​How does it feel to have so much money?​
​CHARLEY. Wonderful, wonderful. I can’t talk…​​(He is​
​still looking at ELAINE)​
​ANNOUNCER. And his wonderful, loyal wife. How do​
​you feel, Elaine?​
​ELAINE.​​(monotone)​​We’re rich.​
​ANNOUNCER. Well, how about that? That’s all for​
​tonight, ladies and gentlemen! You’ve been a​
​witness to ALL OUT! And what a thrilling show​
​it was tonight! Until next week…(​​pass off to​
​JOHNNY)​
​JOHNNY.​​(visibly disturbed, shaken, going through the​
​motions)​​This is your host of hosts, Johnny​
​Mitchell, saying goodbye and asking you… Do​
​you have it to go all out?​