MODERN FAMILY

"Coal Digger"

Written by Christopher Lloyd

Shooting Draft
8-20-09

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYRIGHT (c)2009 TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX FILM CORPORATION. NO
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DISPOSAL OF THIS SCRIPT COPY DOES NOT ALTER ANY OF THE RESTRICTIONS SET FORTH
ABOVE.

"Coal Digger" #1ARG03

CAST

JAY PRITCHETT...........................................ED O'NEILL

GLORIA PRITCHETT....................................SOPHIA VERGARA

PHIL DUNPHY.............................................TY BURRELL

CLAIRE DUNPHY..........................................JULIE BOWEN MITCHELL

PRITCHETT............................JESSE TYLER FERGUSON
CAMERON...........................................ERIC STONESTREET
HALEY DUNPHY..........................................SARAH HYLAND

ALEX DUNPHY...........................................ARIEL WINTER

LUKE DUNPHY............................................NOLAN GOULD

MANNY DELGADO.......................................RICO RODRIGUEZ

LILY..............................................................

GUEST CAST

MR. BALABAN...........................................ANDREW BORBA

"Coal Digger" SETS

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN
INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - HALLWAY
INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY

INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S CAR
[Link]&GLORIA'[Link]&GLORIA'[Link]&GLORIA'SHOUSE- [Link]&GLORIA'S
HOUSE- DINING [Link]&GLORIA'SHOUSE- HALLWAY/MASTER BEDROOM

ACT ONE
1 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 1

Jay enters, dressed for work. Gloria and Manny are at the breakfast table, Manny
drinking coffee.

JAY
(to Manny)
Let's go, buddy. School time. And Gloria, if you want to get together with the
girls later I can just watch the football game or something.

MANNY
That means he wants to watch the football game.

JAY
Did I ask you? And why are you drinking coffee all the time?

MANNY
It's my culture. I'm Colombian.

JAY
Oh yeah? Where in Colombia do they
grow those french toaster sticks? *

GLORIA
You can't watch the game. The whole family's coming over for barbecue.

JAY
That's today?

MANNY
Si.

JAY
It's the Notre Dame game.

GLORIA
So, everyone can watch.

JAY
I don't like watching the game with people who don't know the game.
People talk.

MANNY
You talk at my football games.

1 CONTINUED:

JAY

First of all, it's called soccer. And your team's scored two goals all season. I'm
not taking a big risk.

Jay has a travel coffee mug and lifts the coffee pot. It's empty.

JAY (CONT'D)
(to Manny)
How much of this did you drink?

MANNY
Give me a break, I have to climb a rope today.
2 INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING 2

Haley approaches Claire. Alex is nearby.

HALEY
Can I have forty dollars for lunch?

CLAIRE
Forty dollars?

HALEY
I also need a book for school.

CLAIRE
What book?

HALEY
I want a dress.

CLAIRE
Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
ALEX
I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.

Phil enters.

PHIL
Luke, come on, we're late!

Luke enters. His shirt is both inside out and backwards and it's somehow zipped
into his zipper.

2 CONTINUED:

CLAIRE

Well, that's a first. Inside out and backwards. At least it's not zipped into your
-- oop, there it is.

LUKE
I have a broken zipper. (then)
Dad, what about Broken Zipper?

PHIL
(thinking) Mmmm... no.
3 PHIL & CLAIRE INTERVIEW 3
PHIL
I hate to sound braggy, but I have a crazy natural ability to come up with awesome
band names.
(pulls out Blackberry, goes to a page, reads list)
Funk Shui, Tenderpatch, Morbid Scoundrel, Ecstatic Sue, Goldenpatch,
Phat Pantz... *
(to Claire)
Oh, what was that one from last night?

CLAIRE
(annoyed)
Pork Surgeon. *

4 INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAY 4

Mitchell is busy doing something when Cameron enters cradling * Lily like a
football. She is dressed like a referee. *

CAMERON
He's at the ten... the five... the one... touchdown!

MITCHELL
Please don't spike our baby. And why *
is she dressed like the Hamburglar? *

CAMERON *
She's a referee. *

MITCHELL *
Do we even have to go to my dad's? *
4 CONTINUED:

CAMERON *

Are you kidding? We're playing Notre *

Dame. *

5 CAMERON INTERVIEW

CAMERON

I collect antique fountain pens, I'm quite adept at Japanese flower arrangement --
Ikebana -- and I was a
starting center at Missouri State. * Surprise!

6 INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS 6

LATER *

MITCHELL *
I just don't like football. *

CAMERON *
I'm sorry. I thought part of being in *
a relationship was pretending to enjoy *
your partner's interests. Do you *
think I really liked home pickle *
making? *

MITCHELL *
Yes, because you did. *

CAMERON *
For a week, until we became the weird *
guys who brought pickles to everyone. *
"Thanks for inviting us to your lovely *
home. Here's a sack of pickles." *

MITCHELL *
It was charming. *

CAMERON *
We were picklers, Mitchell. *
(then) *
Fine, Lily and I will go and you can *
stay behind with your little jagged *
scissors and catch up on your scrap- *
booking. *

Cameron exits with Lily. *

MITCHELL *
(calling after him) *
You loved scrap-booking! *
6 CONTINUED:

CAMERON (O.S.) *

I faked it! *

Mitchell gasps. *

MAIN TITLES

7 INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - HALLWAY - MORNING 7

Claire is on the phone.

CLAIRE
...okay, thanks. We'll be right there.

She hangs up. Dials again on speakerphone as she gathers her belongings.

Hey, honey.

PHIL (O.S.)

CLAIRE

Luke got in a fight at school.

PHIL (O.S.)
Oh, jeez. Is he okay?

CLAIRE
He's fine, but they want us to come down there. Where are you?

PHIL (O.S.)
I'm showing a house.

CLAIRE
Which house?

PHIL (O.S.)
(after a beat) I'm golfing.
8 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 8
Claire and Phil are walking briskly down the hall. * CLAIRE
I'll bet you anything it was that Durkas kid.
PHIL
I hate that kid.

8 CONTINUED:

8
CLAIRE

He probably jumped on Luke and Luke fought back. The kid's a menace.
PHIL
He made fun of my hair once.

CLAIRE
Shh, his parents are probably right inside.

PHIL
I slept on it funny. Like that never happened to him.

They start in.

9 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 9
Phil and Claire enter to find Jay and Gloria sitting there. Manny and Luke are
there, too.
CLAIRE
(to Jay & Gloria) *
What are you doing here?

GLORIA *
The same thing you're doing here. *

JAY
These two knuckleheads were fighting * each other.

What?

CLAIRE

PHIL

Could have been worse. I was not ready to face Durkas today.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
10 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 10
As before.

CLAIRE
So, what happened?

GLORIA *
Yes, what happened? *

MR. BALABAN
Well, apparently there was some name calling and shoving on the playground. By the
time a teacher separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.

JAY
Luke, that's not like you.

MR. BALABAN
(to Jay)
Wait a minute, you're Luke's father?
JAY
No. I'm his grandfather.

MR. BALABAN
(re: Manny)
Then who's his father?

GLORIA
Javier. Crazy guy. (re: Manny)
That's where he gets his fire.

MR. BALABAN
(to Luke) Okay, you're...

CLAIRE
He's our son.

JAY
And my grandson.

CLAIRE
(re: Jay)
And I'm his daughter.

10 CONTINUED:

10

MR. BALABAN
(to Manny)

So, you're...

MANNY
(re: Luke) His uncle.

LUKE
Stop saying that or I'll sit on your chest again!

CLAIRE
Is that what the fight was about?

LUKE
He keeps calling me his nephew.

MANNY
You are my nephew.

LUKE
Shut up!

MR. BALABAN
Okay, okay. I'm getting the sense that you all are related somehow. So, it's
probably best if you work this out at home so the boys can go back to class, okay?

Parents all AD-LIB agreements. Luke and Manny start out.

MR. BALABAN (CONT'D)

But we're not happy about this, boys. This is not how mature young men behave.
(then, giving them a note) There's your note for Miss Passwater.

Hearing this, Phil starts to laugh but quickly contains it. The boys exit.

MR. BALABAN (CONT'D)

Look, I wouldn't worry -- they're good kids. It's just tough when one kid is
a little different. *

Jess.

GLORIA

CLAIRE
Yes. *

10 CONTINUED: (2) 10
The both catch each other saying this.
11 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S CAR - DAY 11
CLAIRE
You heard how she said that -- (imitating Gloria)
"Jess." She thought Luke was the weird one.
12 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S CAR - SAME TIME 12
GLORIA
Her kid gets his head stuck in the furniture but Manny is the different one?
13 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS 13
CLAIRE
He wears aftershave and dresses like a count -- does she even see that?
14 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S CAR - SAME TIME 14
GLORIA
I think we should cancel with them for the barbecue.
15 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS 15
PHIL
If we cancel it'll just make this into a bigger deal than it is. It'll be good for
Luke and Manny to spend some
time. And it might be good for you *
and Gloria, too. *

CLAIRE *
Why? *

PHIL *
Oh come on, there's clearly some *
tension between you two -- and not the *
good kind. You need to get it out in *
the open. *

16 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S CAR - SAME TIME

JAY

16 *

You need to forget about it. Just *

sweep it under the rug. *

16 CONTINUED:

16

GLORIA

I'm not a sweeper. *

JAY *
Just promise me you won't say *
anything. *

GLORIA *
I have nothing to say. If she has a *
problem with me, she should say it to *
my face. *

17 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS 17

CLAIRE
She's the one with the problem, not
me. *

PHIL *
Okay, okay. I just hate to see my two *
girls not getting along. *

CLAIRE *
How is she your girl? *

17A

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S CAR - SAME TIME

17A *

JAY *
She's my daughter, you're my wife. *
Let's remember what's important here: *
there's a football game on. *

17B

INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

17B *

PHIL *
So, you okay? *

CLAIRE
(imitating Gloria again) Jess...

PHIL
That does sound like her. (tries it)
Jess.

CLAIRE
No, more "juh" sound.

PHIL
Jess.

17B

CONTINUED:

CLAIRE

17B

Nope, you can't do it.

PHIL
Well, I've barely even --

So caught up in this he takes his eyes off the road, and swerves to avoid hitting
someone.
18 INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY 18

Cameron enters in a football jersey carrying grocery bags.

CAMERON
I picked up a few things for the party. Is Lily ready?

MITCHELL
(a little down) Yeah, she's ready.

CAMERON
What's wrong?

MITCHELL
I'm just a little worried about C.J. Hightower. With that bad ankle I don't know
how he's gonna run his corner routes.

CAMERON *
(delighted)
What did my boyfriend just say?

MITCHELL *
Well, I heard what you said and I *
thought I should make an effort to *
learn about football. *

CAMERON *
That's very mature of you. *
Cameron exits into the bathroom. * MITCHELL *
I figured, how hard can it be if *
football fans can learn it? *

CAMERON (O.S.) *
That's very elitist of you. *

18 CONTINUED:

18

MITCHELL *

I'm sorry, it's just... sometimes I *

feel a little superior to people who *
spend all their time obsessing about *
sports. But I'm working on it. * Cameron re-enters. Half of his face is
maroon. *
CAMERON *
I know it isn't always easy. *

MITCHELL *
(re: Cam's face) *
You have no idea. *

19 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - ENTRY WAY - DAY 19

Jay is opening the door for Phil, Claire, Luke and Alex. * Phil is carrying a
bottle of wine. *

JAY
Hey everybody! Come on in. Hi, hi, * hi. Nice shirt. Somebody got a
haircut. Did you grow again?

CLAIRE
Let me guess, the game's on. *

JAY
Just started. *

PHIL *
(to Gloria re: wine) *
For you. Nice to see you, Gloria -- * He hugs her. *
GLORIA *
Two times today. *

PHIL *
Okay. *
He goes in for a second hug. Claire slaps at him. * CLAIRE *
She means we've seen them two times *
today. *

JAY *
Okay. *
(pointing) *
(MORE)

19 CONTINUED:
JAY (CONT'D)19Food's in there, drinks are in there, I'll be in here.*
*He starts to cross off.*PHIL
Hold on, Jay. I think we should address the elephant in the room. Luke, Manny, in
light of what happened at school today, if there are any feelings that you'd like
to express, I think this would be the appropriate forum --*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*JAY
Oh, for godsake.
(to Luke & Manny) Both of you!*
*
*
*He throws an arm around each of them.*JAY (CONT'D)
Do family members kick and punch each other, or do they love each other?*
*
*LUKE MANNY
Love each other. Love each other.
*JAY (CONT'D)
Good talk. I'll be in the den.*
*
He simultaneously gives them each a pretty good clop on the*
head -- kind of hard --and crossesto [Link] Alex*follows him:*
ALEX *
So, who's playing? *

JAY *
Notre Dame and Missouri State. *

ALEX*I just read the Hunchback of Notre*Dame. It was really good. It was*about this
poor guy who --*JAY*Shh, don't ruin it for me.*ALEX*You're going to read it?*
19 CONTINUED: (2)

19

JAY *

I meant the game. *

They exit. *

CLAIRE *
Wait, where's Haley? *

They glance around. Claire opens the front door to find * Haley standing there on
her cell phone. As she enters and * crosses through: *

HALEY *
(into phone) *
I'm at my grandfather's house... I *
don't know why. It's a nightmare. *

She exits, leaving Phil to witness the following awkward * exchange: *

GLORIA *
So... *

CLAIRE *
I brought some dessert. *

Claire holds up a dish. *

GLORIA *
Oh. Thank you. *

19A

PHIL INTERVIEW

19A *

PHIL *

I like to help people work through *

their stuff. Just call me Dr. Phil. * (realizing) *
Ooh! I just got that. I'm like Dr. *
Phil but with great hair. And I don't *
know Oprah... but I think we'd hit it *
off. *

19B

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

19B *

CLAIRE *
(re: dessert) *
Where should I put this? *

GLORIA *
(points) *
Right there is fine. *

19B

CONTINUED:

19B

PHIL *

Okay, whoa. Everybody take a deep *

breath. And let's think about getting *
real. *

CLAIRE *
Phil, no. *

GLORIA *
Why "Phil no"? What is Phil doing? *

PHIL *
Okay, I'm just gonna say it: there's *
some tension between you two. Bam! I *
said it, it's out there, I can't take *
it back. *
CLAIRE *
I'm going to kill you. *

GLORIA *
No, he's right. And I think we should *
talk about it. *

PHIL *
(to Claire, high-pitched *
voice) *
Face. *
*

20 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - DEN - A LITTLE LATER 20

Jay is watching the game, Alex by his side. He starts to * throw an arm around
her.

ALEX
I like football. Haley hates it.
Which is weird because it's all boys
and there's no reading required. Do *
you know she spends about forty-five *
minutes every morning doing her hair? *
And sometimes, she tries on -- *

And the hand Jay was reaching around to hug her with now extends to cover her
mouth. Cameron and Mitchell enter. Cameron is now in full Missouri State face
paint.

CAMERON
Go State!

JAY
Who let that bear into my house?

20 CONTINUED:

20

MITCHELL
(sotto to Cameron)

I didn't know he knew that term.

CAMERON
That's our team, the Bears. *

JAY
Mitch, you're joining us here?

CAMERON
Yeah, he's been studying up.

MITCHELL
And I've got to tell you I'm a little worried about C.J. Hightower. With that bad
ankle I don't know how he's gonna run his corner routes.
JAY
Hightower's out.

MITCHELL
So who then will be running the corner routes?

JAY
I'll tell you who won't, Billings.

Cameron and Jay have a hearty laugh over that.

MITCHELL
(trying to join the laugh) Billings. Could you imagine?
Jay and Cameron are focused on the TV screen. * CAMERON *
Play action. *

JAY *
Nah, they're running it. *

CAMERON *
Trust me -- look, look, play action. *
He's open, he's open, he's got it. *
Touchdown! *

JAY *
Lucky. *

20 CONTINUED: (2)

20

MITCHELL *

Maybe they should have just considered *

blitzing. *

JAY *
What? Not with those linebackers. *
Get out of here. *
Mitchell, a little stung by that, gets up and leaves. * CAMERON *
Admit it, we're giving you a better *
game than you thought. Don't mess *
with the Bears, right Mitchell? *

Cameron reaches up an arm for Mitchell to [Link]*beat, he notices

Mitchell is not there.*
21 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - SAME TIME 21

GLORIA *
(to Claire) *
Okay, the truth? I just feel *
sometimes like you don't like me. *

PHIL *
Wow. Powerful, powerful stuff. *
Claire, tell us what you're feeling. *

CLAIRE *
(to Phil) *
Well, a lot of anger -- *

PHIL *
No, no, don't tell me, tell her. *

CLAIRE *
Gloria, I want to kill Phil right now. *

PHIL *
Let's respect the process. *

CLAIRE *
Why would you think I don't like you? *

GLORIA *
Well, sometimes when you see me you *
make that face. *
Mitchell crosses in to fix a plate of food. * CLAIRE *
What face? *

21 CONTINUED:

21

GLORIA *

Like this. *

She imitates a look. *

MITCHELL *
Oh my god, that's so Claire. *

PHIL *
See, she does it with everybody. *
That's just her face. *

GLORIA *
Okay, but it's not just the face. *
From the beginning I've felt like *
Manny and I are not welcome in this family.*
*CLAIRE*That is so crazy.*GLORIA*Maybe it's all in my head.*CLAIRE*Totally in your
head. We love having*you and Manny in our family.*GLORIA*That's nice to hear.*
CLAIRE*It's the truth and stop being so*defensive.*PHIL*(holding out his arms)*I'm
feeling a hug.*Gloria and Claire hug.*PHIL (CONT'D)*I was thinking group hug, but
this is*nice, too.*Haley crosses through, still on the phone.*HALEY*Don't you think
I'd be there if I*could? Oh my god, there's hugging.*CLAIRE*Haley, get off the
phone already.*
21 CONTINUED: (2) 21

Haley rolls her eyes and moves off, still on the phone. Jay * and Cameron enter
quickly getting food to get back to the * game. *

CAMERON *
(to Mitchell) *
Where'd you go? *

MITCHELL *
You heard him, he said, "Get out of *
here." *

JAY *
Oh my god, you're such a girl. *

MITCHELL *
Is this your way of apologizing? * Luke and Manny enter. *
PHIL *
Hey, there they are. How are you guys *
doing? *

Fine.

LUKE

MANNY
Great. *

PHIL (CONT'D) *

We can learn so much from the *

children. I bet it all seems kind of *
silly what you guys were even fighting *
about, huh? *

MANNY *
I made fun of his poofy hair. *

LUKE *
I made fun of his accent. *

GLORIA *
What accent? *

Everybody laughs. *

MANNY *
I made fun of him having the same *
thing for lunch every day. *

More laughter. *

LUKE *
I made fun of him because his mom used *
to dig coal. *

21 CONTINUED: (3) 21
More laughter still, except from Gloria. * GLORIA *
What? *

MANNY *
He said you were a coal-digger. *

PHIL
Okay, I think we can move on.*
*GLORIA
Who said I was a "coal-digger"?*
*LUKE
That's what my Mom told me.*
*ALEX
What's a coal-digger?*
*PHIL
He heard it wrong, it's gold-digger.*
*HALEY
(into phone)
I'm going to call you back.*
*
*CLAIRE
Okay, wow, I do not remember ever saying that.*
*
*LUKE
You said it in the car, you said it at Christmas, you said it at that Mexican
restaurant --*
*
*
*CLAIRE
Oh, look. Mister leaves-his- sweatshirts-at-school suddenly remembers everything.*
*
*
*GLORIA
So it was all in my head, huh?*
*She makes the Claire face to Claire then startsout.*CLAIRE
(Calling after)
But that was like a year ago before I even knew you. Gloria...*
*
*
*Gloria exits.*
21 CONTINUED: (4)

21

MANNY *

(to Luke) *
Nice going. Now my Mom and my sister *
are fighting. *

22-24

OMITTED

22-24 *

END OF ACT TWO *

ACT THREE *

25

25A
OMITTED

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

25
*

25A *

Everyone is there except Jay and Claire who re-enter from * upstairs. *

JAY *
Well, she's pissed. *

CLAIRE *
She wouldn't even open the door. *

JAY *
Did you really have to call her that? *
A gold-digger. *

CLAIRE *
It was a year ago, Dad, and it's a *
natural thing to wonder. I mean, *
she's this beautiful woman and you're *
not exactly -- *

JAY *
Not exactly what? *

CLAIRE *
Mitchell, a little help. *

MITCHELL *
You're doing great. *

JAY *
This is exactly why we sweep things *
under the rug. So no one gets hurt. * Jay stares at Phil, boring a hole
during the following: *
PHIL *
Well, yeah, until you sweep too much *
under the rug. Then you get a lumpy *
rug... it creates a tripping hazard... *
you open yourself up to lawsuits. *
Boy, you can really go a long time *
without blinking. *

26 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER 26

CLOSE ON a hand knocking on Jay and Gloria's bedroom door. *

26 CONTINUED:

26
PHIL *

Gloria? It's me, Phil. *

She opens the door. *

PHIL (CONT'D) *
Can we talk for a second? *

27 PHIL INTERVIEW

27

PHIL

I see a person hurting, I help. *

"Hello, Mr. Homeless Man, here's a *
dollar for bus fare. Here's a tin *
foil duck full of tasty leftover *
chicken. Bon apetit." Plus, you *
always just end up throwing it out. *

28 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 28

PHIL
Claire feels terrible. Why don't you *
talk to her? *

Phil sits on the bed. *

GLORIA *
Why? I know what she thinks -- coal *
digger. Does Jay buy me nice things? * Yes, of course. Look --
(she opens her drawer, starts pulling out sexy lingerie)
Yellow one, red one, blue one, pink one, every color. You think I can't
live without these? Take them away. * She throws them all at him. He is
buried in her lingerie.
PHIL
Gloria, we all know you'd be fine *
without underwear. *
(quickly, realizing) *
I mean, we know it's not about that. *

GLORIA
No, it's about my new family which has never accepted me.

PHIL *
Of course they have. *
(then) *
Gloria, look, you're a very beautiful *
woman. *
(MORE)

28 CONTINUED:

28
PHIL (CONT'D)

In fact, you're probably one of those *

women who doesn't even know it. *

GLORIA *
No, I know it. *
PHIL *
So, it's natural for Claire to wonder *
about you and her dad. This family is *
very protective of each other. I *
remember the first time Claire brought *
me home. Did Jay think I was good *
enough for his little girl? No way. *
But over time, he realized that I *
loved Claire just as much as he did. *
And by that time Mitch had brought Cam *
home, so I was golden. Claire just *
needs a little time and then, trust *
me, she'll be the most loyal friend *
you've ever had. *

29 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - SAME TIME 29 *

Cameron and Mitchell are there. Jay enters. *

JAY
Not leaving, are ya?

MITCHELL
Well, there's kind of a lot of drama.

CAMERON
So, we're torn...

JAY
(with some difficulty)
Let me ask you something. Your sister said Gloria would never go for someone who
looked like me. Now you guys are basically like women that way -- you all look at
guys -- so what do you think?

MITCHELL
You're asking us if you're attractive? *

JAY
I know I'm no Erik Estrada, I'm just curious --

MITCHELL
You look great, Dad. *

29 CONTINUED:

29

CAMERON *

Very distinguished. *

JAY *
Distinguished? That's like calling a *
woman handsome. I'm trying to find *
out if Gloria is walking around with *
the troll under the bridge. *

MITCHELL *
You're not a troll. *

JAY *
So if I was sitting in one of your *
bars and there's some Righteous *
Brothers playing, would you, I don't *
know, check me out? *

MITCHELL *
Get out of here. *

JAY *
Yeah, fine. Whatever. *

Jay turns to walk off. *

MITCHELL *
Dad -- *

CAMERON *
Okay, Jay, I think it's a little too *
weird for a son to say that to his *
father, but just for the record, you *
are smoking hot. *

JAY *
Really? *

CAMERON *
Totally my type. Dangerous but *
gettable. *

JAY *
Hmm. So face, body, whole package? *

MITCHELL *
Isn't there a game on? *

30 OMITTED

31 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

30
*

31

There is a knock on the door. *

31 CONTINUED:

31

CLAIRE (O.S.) *

Gloria? Come on, let's just talk this *

out. *
Gloria looks to Phil. *

PHIL *
I've seen her kick in a door before. * Gloria opens the door. Claire
enters. *
CLAIRE *
Gloria, I don't know what Phil's been *
saying or why he's covered in your *
underwear -- *

GLORIA *
Obviously I'm trying to seduce him for *
his money. *
Phil laughs, nervously. Claire glares at him. * GLORIA (CONT'D) *
Because that's what I do, right? So * what do I have to give back so
everyone trusts me? These earrings? * She takes them off. *

No.

PHIL

No. GLORIA (CONT'D)

CLAIRE

This bracelet? *

She takes it off. *

No.

PHIL

No. GLORIA (CONT'D)

CLAIRE

This new dress?

CLAIRE
No.

She looks at Phil who says nothing.

PHIL *
I... didn't respond because this *
shouldn't be about me, it should be *
about you two. Talking. Alone. *

31CONTINUED: (2)31
Phil exits.
*32 OMITTED32*33 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS33*CLAIRE
I don't know what to say except that I'm really sorry.*
*
*GLORIA
Okay. Just let me ask you one thing, and it's okay if the answer is no.
Are you happy I married your father?*
*
*
*CLAIRE
Happy?*
*GLORIA
(a little bothered) I knew it.*
*
*CLAIRE
I'm still getting used to it, that's all. You don't expect to wake up one day with
a new mom that looks like she fell off a tool calendar. But I'm happy you make him
happy, which you do, in many ways --
(re: lingerie)
-- and many colors.*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*GLORIA
And he makes me happy, too. And not just with his money. He's good to Manny, he's
got a good heart, he's a wonderful lover --*
*
*
*
*CLAIRE
Okay...*
*GLORIA
I mean he really understands the*
*female body, how to -- *

CLAIRE *
Okay, you're doing this on purpose *
aren't you? *

GLORIA *
Jess. *

They smile. Jay leans in. *

33 CONTINUED:

33

JAY *

So, we good? *

CLAIRE *
Yeah, Dad. *

[Link]*
*
CLAIRE
I just told her --
*
*JAY
(cutting her off) Eh! Under the rug.*
*
*He exits.*34 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - DEN - LATER34*Jay and Cam are
watching the game.*CAMERON
Oh my god, how could he fumble that?*
*JAY
The center blew the snap! QB didn't know it was coming.*
*
*CAMERON
I hate that. I was a center and I got blamed every time the quarterback was clumsy.
*
*
*
*JAY
Well, I was a quarterback and it was probably your fault.*
*
*CAMERON
Easy, handsome. If the quarterback has the right hand position it's impossible to
drop the ball.*
*
*
*35 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - SAME TIME35*The rest of the family is
milling about the kitchen. Mitchell and Claire are pouring themselves some wine.*
*CLAIRE
Maybe I'm just not evolved, but it's weird to think of a woman being sexually
attracted to Dad.*
*
*
*
35 CONTINUED:

35

MITCHELL *

You want weird? Cam said he'd pick *

him up in a gay bar. *

CLAIRE *
How did that even come up? *

MITCHELL *
I've blocked most of it out. I'm not *
comfortable thinking about Dad as a *
sexual being in any way. *

CLAIRE *
Same here. As far as I'm concerned, *
Mom and Dad only had sex twice -- they *
had you and they had me. *

MITCHELL *
I say we just sweep this whole notion *
under the rug. *

CLAIRE *
And then burn the rug. *
MITCHELL *
Agreed. *

36 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - DEN - CONTINUOUS 36 *

Claire and Mitchell enter to find Jay standing behind a bent * over Cameron, with
his hands between Cameron's legs, as * Cameron prepares to hike him the ball.
*

CAMERON *
Don't be shy, get that hand right up *
there. *

JAY *
Just hike the damn thing! *
Mitchell and Claire look at each other. * CLAIRE *
(to Mitch) *
Should we go back to the kitchen and *
get something to eat? *
MITCHELL *
I'm never eating again. *
They retreat back into the kitchen. *

END OF SHOW