MODERN FAMILY

"The Bicycle Thief"

Written by Bill Wrubel

#1ARG02

SHOOTING DRAFT
8-12-09

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ABOVE.

"The Bicycle Thief" #1ARG02

CAST

JAY PRITCHETT...........................................ED O'NEILL

GLORIA PRITCHETT....................................SOPHIA VERGARA

PHIL DUNPHY.............................................TY BURRELL

CLAIRE DUNPHY..........................................JULIE BOWEN MITCHELL
PRITCHETT............................JESSE TYLER FERGUSON
CAMERON...........................................ERIC STONESTREET
HALEY DUNPHY..........................................SARAH HYLAND

ALEX DUNPHY...........................................ARIEL WINTER

LUKE DUNPHY............................................NOLAN GOULD

MANNY DELGADO.......................................RICO RODRIGUEZ

LILY..............................................................

GUEST CAST
DESIREE...............................................KRISTA ALLEN
ANTON...............................................KEVIN BERNTSON

SCOTT..................................................ALEX STAGGS

DANIELLE..............................................JULIA LEHMAN

BIKE SALESMAN. TBD

HELEN. TBD

"The Bicycle Thief" SETS

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN INT. PHIL'S CAR

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN

INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - MANNY'S ROOM

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM INT. BIKE SHOP
INT. MOMMY AND ME CLASS

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKE'S ROOM INT. LIMOUSINE

EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DRIVEWAY EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - STREET

EXT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - FRONT STEP EXT. MOMMY AND ME CLASS
EXT. ARCADE EXT. STREET

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 1.

1 JAY INTERVIEW

JAY
ACT ONE

What's the key to being a great dad? *

Boy, that's a tough one... *

1A MITCHELL AND CAMERON INTERVIEW 1A *

CAMERON *
Giving them freedom to be whatever *
they want to be... *
Mitchell is about to start speaking when: * CAMERON (CONT'D) *
Whether that's a painter or a pilot or *
a president... *

Mitchell starts to speak again, but: *

CAMERON (CONT'D) *
Of a company or a country. *
Mitchell waits an extra beat to be sure he's done, then: * MITCHELL *
Patience. *

1B PHIL INTERVIEW

1B *

PHIL *

Be their buddy. *

CLAIRE (O.S.) *
That's your answer? *

PHIL *
And don't do drugs. *

1C JAY INTERVIEW

1C *

JAY *

Still thinking. *

2 EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - STREET - DAY 2

Phil and Claire are out on the street riding bikes. A SEXY * NEIGHBOR, DESIREE,
MID-30S, dressed in a jogging outfit, is
out running. She sees Claire and stops to say hello, Phil lags behind.

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 2.

2 CONTINUED:

DESIREE
Hi, how are you doing?

CLAIRE
Oh, hi.

Desiree stops to chat. Claire feels compelled to stop as well.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
This is my son Luke and my husband Phil.
(to Phil) And this is...

DESIREE
Desiree.

CLAIRE
Right. I'm sorry. (to Phil)
Desiree just moved in down the street.

PHIL
Fun. Where?

DESIREE
Four-sixty-seven.

PHIL
Oh, the two bedroom colonial with the indoor/outdoor family room.

DESIREE
Very good. How did you --

PHIL
Bet you're enjoying that steam shower.

CLAIRE
Phil, that's creepy.

PHIL
I'm a real estate agent. We caravaned that house. Great deck.

DESIREE
Thanks. I'm just there 'til my * divorce is final.

CLAIRE
Well, nice to see you.

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 3.

2 CONTINUED: (2)

PHIL

We'll have to have you over sometime.

DESIREE
I'd love it.
Desiree races off. Phil and Claire start riding again.

CLAIRE
We are never having her over. I heard
she slept with two dads at the school *
already. *

PHIL
What? That is horrible. *

Phil turns his head to see if he can glimpse Desiree. He * almost loses control of
his bike, swerving into the path of * an oncoming Luke who rides a girl's bicycle
that's been given * a half-assed makeover in an attempt to make it look more like *
a boy's bike. *

LUKE *
(ringing his girly bell) *
Watch out! *

PHIL *
Sorry. *

Phil pedals next to Claire. *

PHIL (CONT'D) *
You know, honey, I'm trying, but it *
bums me out seeing Luke on Haley's old bike.*
*2A PHIL & CLAIRE INTERVIEW2A*PHIL
My son, who is a boy, is riding a girl's bike.*
*
*CLAIRE
Because he is irresponsible. He spilled a soda on my computer, he broke our digital
camera taking a picture of himself underwater with his Playstation.*
*
*
*
*
*
MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 4.

2A CONTINUED:

2A

PHIL *

It's a girl's bike. I'm all for *

teaching him a lesson, but I worry *
about the ridicule he might get from *
some loudmouth bully. *

2B EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - STREET - CONTINUOUS 2B *

They hear a CAR HORN BEEP. It's JAY in his car. *

JAY
(to Luke) *
Hey, nice bike, Sally. *
CLAIRE *
(chastising) *
Dad! *

JAY *
He looks like Little Bo Peep on that *
thing. *

PHIL *
Actually, not for long. He's getting *
a new bike this afternoon. *

LUKE *
I am? *

CLAIRE *
He is? *

3-4

OMITTED

PHIL INTERVIEW

PHIL

3-4 *

Sometimes a man's gotta put his foot down and do what a man's gotta do.
And if the old lady don't like it... (shout O.S.)
Honey?

He waits a beat. Nothing.

PHIL (CONT'D)
That's too damn bad.
6 INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY 6
Mitchell is holding Lily.

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 5.

6 CONTINUED:

MITCHELL

Cam, hurry up. We're going to be *

late. *
CAMERON (O.S.)
It's Mommy and Me class, not a *
Broadway opening night. *

MITCHELL *
We're going to be judged enough as the *
only gay parents, I don't want to be *
the late ones too. *

Cam enters. He is wearing white flowy pants with a pink

shirt. *

MITCHELL (CONT'D) *
Really? Pink? Was there something *
wrong with your fishnet tank top?*CAMERON
Obviously not, I'm wearing it
*underneath.
(off his look)
No, I'm not. Would you relax?*
*
*MITCHELL
I'm sorry, I would just like to make a good first impression.*
*
*CAMERON
You mean fit in? Not terrify the villagers?*
*
*MITCHELL
It's for Lily. Her future best friend could be in that class and I don't want to
rub anyone the wrong way.
Could you just change your shirt?*
*
*
*
*CAMERON
Fine, I'll throw on some khakis and a polo shirt, maybe everyone will think we're a
couple of straight golf buddies who decided to have a kid together.*
*
*
*
*
*7 OMITTED7*
8 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 8
Jay enters the kitchen, where Gloria is sitting eating breakfast.

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 6.

8 CONTINUED:

JAY

Hey, I called the place in Napa and upgraded us to a villa with a hot tub. So pack
whatever you'd wear in a hot tub.

GLORIA
I usually wear nothing in a hot tub.

JAY
And my college roommate's wife just had to get a new hip. Sucker.
9 JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW 9
GLORIA
Manny's father is taking him to Disneyland for a couple days so we are going away
to the wine country.
JAY
We're gonna drink some wine, have a *
few laughs. We'd do stuff like this * much more often, but, you know...
there's Manny.

GLORIA
It's good. He keeps us grounded.

JAY
Yeah, like fog at an airport.

10 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 10

JAY
So the limo's coming at four. This morning, I thought I'd go over to the club and
hit a few balls.

GLORIA
What about the ceiling fan in Manny's room?

JAY *
Oh, yeah. Just call a guy. *

GLORIA *
No, you do it with Manny. It's *
important to teach him how to do *
things for himself. In my culture, *
men take great pride in physical *
labor. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 7.

10 CONTINUED:

10

JAY

I know. That's why I hire people from your culture.

GLORIA
That's very funny. I will share that with my next husband while we are spending
your money.

11 OMITTED

12 INT. BIKE SHOP - DAY

11
*

12
Phil and Luke are wheeling a brand new black, macho-looking bike out of the bike
shop.

LUKE
Dad, this is the coolest bike ever.

PHIL
So, listen, buddy. There are certain members of this family who don't think you can
take care of this bad boy.

LUKE
You mean Mom?

PHIL
I'm not comfortable saying.

LUKE *
Is it you? *

PHIL *
No. *

LUKE *
Then it's gotta be Mom. *

PHIL *
Drop that, okay. Look, Mom and I are *
a team and we both think of this as a *
chance for you to show some *
responsibility. Don't make us look *
like jerks here. *

LUKE *
I won't. *

PHIL
Okay... then have fun.

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 8.

12 CONTINUED:

12

LUKE

Thanks, Dad. If I take care of this *

bike, can we get a dog? *

PHIL
I'm cool with it, but Mom says no. * Luke rides off on his bike.

END OF ACT ONE

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 9.

12A

GLORIA INTERVIEW

ACT TWO

12A *

GLORIA *
In Colombia there is a saying: If you *
have two stubborn burros who don't *
like each other, you tie them to the *
same cart. The cart is the ceiling *
fan. *
(pleased with herself) *
I know. Is good, right? *

13 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - MANNY'S ROOM - LATER 13

Jay and Manny are in Manny's room. The ceiling fan parts are * spread out on the
floor. *

JAY *
So, let's do this. *

MANNY *
Do I have to? *

JAY *
If I have to, you have to. *

MANNY *
Okay, but I need to be done by three. *
That's when my dad's picking me up. *

JAY *
(re: fan) *
Hey, if we're not done by three, I'm *
hanging a noose from this thing. *

MANNY *
My dad's taking me on Space Mountain. *
It's supposed to be scary, but he's *
not scared of anything. He doesn't *
even wear a seat belt when he drives. *

JAY *
Wow. How about that? *

MANNY *
He killed a bear once. *

JAY *
Was the bear in the passenger seat? * (then) *
Read me the instructions. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 10.

13 CONTINUED: 13

Manny opens the book. *

MANNY *
"Safety tips-- warning: To reduce the *
risk of electrical shock--" *

JAY *
Yeah, we can skip that part. *

MANNY *
They also mention the possibility of a *
fire. *
(reading) *
"Failure to heed these warnings can *
lead to serious injury or death--" *

JAY *
You worry too much, you know that? *
There's gonna be no fires and nobody's *
gonna get shocked. *

MANNY *
One time my dad was struck by *
lightning. That's why he can drink as *
much as he wants. *

14 JAY INTERVIEW

14

JAY

15 OMITTED

Manny thinks his dad is Superman. The *

truth? He's a total flake. In fact, * the only way he's like Superman is
that they both landed in this country
illegally. *

15 *

16 INT. MOMMY AND ME CLASS - DAY 16 *

Mitchell and Cameron stand just inside the door. They look * around and find a
room full of extremely straight parents and * their future straight kids.
MITCHELL *
I don't know why I'm so nervous. *

CAMERON *
They'll love us. Let's just be *
ourselves. *

MITCHELL *
Or, a slightly toned-down version of *
ourselves. *
(MORE)

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 11.

16 CONTINUED:

16
MITCHELL (CONT'D)

(off Cameron's look) *

Let's not make this an episode of "The *
Cam Show". *

CAMERON *
People love "The Cam Show". *

MITCHELL *
Yes, I know. *

CAMERON *
It's appointment viewing. *

Mitchell shushes him as a young woman, DANIELLE, approaches* them.

DANIELLE
Hi. Are you here for Mommy and Me?

CAMERON
Yes. Sans Mommy, obviously.

MITCHELL
I'm Mitchell, this is Cameron, this is Lily.
and

*DANIELLE
Well, welcome. We're all over
here
*taking turns blowing bubbles.*CAMERON
Well, how nice for --*
*Mitchell nudges him.*CAMERON (CONT'D)
The babies.*
*17-18 OMITTED17-18*19 EXT. ARCADE - DAY19*
Phil is walking through town. Something catches his eye. We * see A BIKE on the
sidewalk leaning against a signpost. It's
the bike Phil just bought for Luke. Phil walks over to the * bicycle, looks around
for Luke.
20 PHIL INTERVIEW

20

PHIL

Thirty minutes after he made a promise *

to me, he left his bike unlocked. * (MORE)

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 12.

20 CONTINUED:

20
PHIL (CONT'D)

All I could hear was Claire's voice in *

my head: *
(in a high, screechy voice that sounds nothing like Claire)
"He's not responsible. You never should have given him a bike."
(then, proudly)
I know, I do a pretty good Claire.

21 EXT. ARCADE - CONTINUOUS 21 *

As Phil hops on Luke's bike. *

PHIL (V.O.) *
So I decided to teach him a lesson and *
let him think his bike was stolen. I *
know it sounds kinda rough but *
sometimes a Dad's job is to be the *
tough guy. *

Phil wobbles off on the undersized bike, maneuvering through * people on the
sidewalk. *

PHIL (CONT'D) *
Excuse me! On your left! *

22 INT. MOMMY AND ME CLASS - DAY 22

All of the parents and kids have formed a circle. * DANIELLE *
Everyone, we have a new friend joining us today. Lily. And these are her parents.

23 OMITTED

MITCHELL
Hello, I'm Mitchell and I'm a lawyer. And this is Cam.
CAMERON
(deep voice) Howdy.

23 *

24 INT. MOMMY AND ME CLASS - CONTINUOUS 24

DANIELLE
We'll start with our Hello Dance, move *
on to blocks and finger painting, and *
then we'll do our family dance. Who *
wants to start us? Dance us in, P.J. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 13.

24 CONTINUED: 24

P.J.'s mom goes into the center of the circle holding P.J. * and does a little
dance. During the dance, a mom, HELEN, * turns to Mitchell. *

HELEN *
(re: Lily) *
She's adorable. Seven months? *

MITCHELL *
Eight. *

HELEN *
Oh, same as Tyler. Is she scooting or *
grabbing yet? *

MITCHELL *
Totally, when she's not grabbing, *
she's scootin'. *

DANIELLE *
Dance us in, Tyler. *

Helen takes Tyler and she dances in the center of the circle. * Mitchell turns to
Cameron. *

MITCHELL *
(concerned) *
Lily doesn't grab or scoot. *

CAMERON *
Not yet, but she will. *

MITCHELL *
(looking around) *
But a lot of them are grabbing. * Mitchell picks up a block and holds it
in front of Lily. *
MITCHELL (CONT'D)
Lily, honey, take the block. "H".
Take the*
*
*
She puts her hand on it. falls to the floor.
The
minute
Mitchell
lets
go,
it
*
*
DANIELLE *
Dance us in, Lily. *

CAMERON *
I'll take her. *

MITCHELL
Cam... *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 14.

24 CONTINUED: (2)

24

CAMERON

Yes, I know. I'll tamp down my * natural gifts and dance like a
straight guy.

MITCHELL *
No slapping your own butt. *

CAMERON *
But that's how I make the horse go. *

Cameron takes Lily in the center. He does a VERY STIFF, * AWKWARD DANCE then
rejoins Mitchell. *

MITCHELL *
That was very good. *

CAMERON *
I feel dirty. *

25 EXT. STREET - DAY 25 *

Phil is pedaling Luke's bike toward home when he sees someone * waving him down.
It's Desiree. *

DESIREE
Hi, again.

Phil is slightly uncomfortable because of Claire's earlier warning.

Hey.

PHIL

DESIREE

This is really embarrassing, but I locked myself out of the house.

PHIL
Oh, I do it all the time. Don't be embarrassed.

He starts to pedal away. *

DESIREE
I was hoping --

Phil stops. *

DESIREE (CONT'D)
There's an open window but I need a
boost. Can you help me? *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 15.

26 PHIL INTERVIEW

26

PHIL

(as Claire)
"You stay away from that homewrecker. * She'll seduce you. You're too
handsome."
(then)
Do I find her attractive? Yes. Would *
I ever act on it? No. No way. Not *
while my wife is still alive. *

27 EXT. STREET - LATER 27

Phil walks back out with Desiree. * DESIREE
Thanks again. You sure I can't offer you something to drink?

PHIL
(glancing at camera) No, I'm fine. Really.

28 PHIL INTERVIEW

28

PHIL

(as Claire but spookier)

"I'm very proud of you, Phil. You showed tremendous self-control."
(then)
That's Claire as a ghost.
29 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS 29
DESIREE
If I knew I'd have a man climb into my bedroom window, I would have cleaned up a
bit.

PHIL
Don't worry. It smelled really nice. (beat)
Not that I was --

Phil notices... THE BIKE IS MISSING.

PHIL (CONT'D)
Huh.

DESIREE
What's wrong?

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 16.

29 CONTINUED:

29

PHIL

My bike is gone. *
Phil starts wildly looking up and down the street for it. * DESIREE *
Oh no, can I help you look for it? *

PHIL *
No, that's all right, I'll -- * He notices her already bending over to
look under her car. *
PHIL (CONT'D) *
Okay, can't hurt to take a peek. *

END OF ACT TWO

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 17.

ACT THREE
30 INT. BIKE SHOP - A LITTLE WHILE LATER 30

Phil is speaking to a salesman. *

PHIL *
So, to teach him a lesson, I took his *
bike and then -- crazy thing -- I put *
the bike down for a minute and someone *
swipes it from me. *

BIKE SALESMAN *
Maybe that was your dad teaching you a *
lesson. *
PHIL *
I don't think so... He lives in *
Florida. *
(taking out his credit card) * So, one more just like the last one. *

BIKE SALESMAN *
You wanna go for the insurance this *
time? *

PHIL *
I knew you were going to bring that *
up. Yeah, give me the insurance. *
*

31 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - MANNY'S ROOM - LATER 31 *

Jay and Manny are still working. Jay is standing on a chair, * affixing the fan
blades to the blade arm. Manny is below * him, looking at the manual. Gloria
enters with two glasses * of lemonade. *

GLORIA *
I thought you two could use a drink. *

JAY *
You have no idea. *

GLORIA *
Manny, I have to go pick up some *
things for our trip. You have fun *
with your father and I'll see you *
Monday. *

She hugs him. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 18.

31 CONTINUED:

31

GLORIA (CONT'D) *

It makes me so happy to see my two *

boys working together. *

MANNY *
Jay shocked himself twice. *

JAY *
Okay, Manny. *

MANNY *
I warned him. *

JAY *
Yep, you've been a big help all day. *

GLORIA*Look at you two with your private*jokes. You're a regular Salazar and*El
Oso.
Off Jay's blank look:

32 GLORIA INTERVIEW

32*

33 OMITTED

GLORIA
Very big comedy team in Colombia. El Oso was always hitting Salazar with the ladder
and things. And sometimes they wear dresses. They make you laugh, but they also
make you think.

33 *

34 INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DAY 34 *

Phil knocks on Luke's door. *

PHIL *
Luke? You there? *

He opens the door. Luke is on his bed, playing a video game, * or looking at
something on his computer. *

LUKE *
Hey, Dad. *

PHIL *
That was pretty fun today, huh. *
Gettin' a new bike. *

LUKE *
Yeah, it was awesome. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 19.

34 CONTINUED:
34

PHIL *

So how'd it go after we split up? *

Anything you want to share with me?

Luke looks nervously at his dad.*

*LUKE
Not really.*
*PHIL
So if I went into the garage to take a picture for the scrapbook, there'd be no
surprises.*
*
*
*Luke breaks down.*LUKE
I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it. I just made a mistake.*
*
*PHIL
Yeah, a big mistake. And you're making me look really bad. I told Mom you were
ready for this.*
*
*
*LUKE
It's just a scratch, Dad!*
*PHIL
That's not the point, Luke -- what?*
*LUKE
I'm not used to the bar that makes it a boy's bike and I hit it with the lock when
I put it in the garage.*
*
*
*PHIL
Right.*
*35 PHIL INTERVIEW35
PHIL
The good news is, Luke has his bike. * More good news, I taught some random
kid a valuable lesson by stealing his *
bike. *

36 EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY 36

Phil checks if the coast is clear, then throws the duplicate * bike onto the bike
rack on his car. He quickly gets in his * car and starts backing down the driveway
during the * following: *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 20.

37 INT. PHIL'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

PHIL (V.O.)
37
*

So, I figure I'll just dump the new *

bike where I stole the first one. *
That way, random kid gets his back, *
and the new bike doesn't raise a lot *
of embarrassing questions like why I *
had it or who boosted who through a *
bedroom window. Everybody's happy. *

Phil finishes backing up, looks forward and sees standing in front of him: CLAIRE.

38 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - MANNY'S ROOM - LATER 38

Jay works while Manny fidgets. *

JAY *
Son of a -- you gave me the wrong *
screwdriver. *

MANNY *
Maybe you're just using it wrong. My *
dad's great with tools. He can get *
the wheels off a car in less than a *
minute. *

Manny hands Jay the screwdriver. Jay takes it, but when he * does, a FAN BLADE
falls, and HITS MANNY. *

MANNY (CONT'D) *
Ow! *

JAY *
Sorry. *

MANNY *
I think my arm is broken. *

JAY *
Oh, relax, it's not broken. *

MANNY *
How do you know? You don't know *
anything. You have no concern for *
safety. *

JAY *
It didn't hit you that hard. *

MANNY *
It almost cut my head off. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 21.

38 CONTINUED:

38

JAY *

Give me a break. It was an accident. *

MANNY *
You tried to kill me. *
JAY *
Save the drama for one of your little *
poems. *

MANNY *
Why don't you just say it, you don't *
want me around. *

JAY *
Not right now, I don't. *

MANNY*I don't want to be with youeither.I*want to go wait for my dad.*

Manny starts out. *

JAY *
(mocking) *
But if you leave, how will I ever *
finish? *

Manny stops. *

MANNY *
You know what? I wish you never *
married my mom. I hate living here. *

JAY*How do you think I feel?I got a two-*seater in the driveway!*

Manny exits. Jay watches him and finally tosses the * screwdriver in disgust.
*

END OF ACT THREE

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 22.

ACT FOUR
39 EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY 39
Phil and Claire are talking in the driveway. * CLAIRE *
So why are you trying to sneak around *
me? I actually think the whole *
situation's pretty funny. *

PHIL *
You do? *

CLAIRE *
Yeah, you steal some poor kid's bike *
by mistake and then it gets stolen *
from you. *
(beat) *
That's hilarious. *

PHIL *
(laughing) *
Classic me, right? *

CLAIRE *
So, where were you when it got stolen? *
PHIL *
Oh, I was getting gas. *

CLAIRE *
Don't you stand right next to your car *
when you get gas? *

PHIL *
Yeah, but then I went inside to get a *
soda because I was thirsty, and if I *
had a soda I wouldn't be thirsty *
anymore, so I bought one and I drank *
it all right there, which is why I *
don't have the can. *

CLAIRE *
Okay. And from now on can we remember *
I'm your wife, not your mom? You *
don't have to sneak around and hide *
things from me. *

PHIL *
Okay. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 23.

39 CONTINUED: 39

They hug. Phil looks over Claire's shoulder and sees DESIREE * coming up the
driveway towards them, pushing the bike. * Claire starts to pull away and Phil
tightens the hug and * starts leading Claire back into the house. *

PHIL (CONT'D) *
Get back here, you! *

CLAIRE
Phil, you're kind of hurting me.

PHIL
I just love ya so darn much!

CLAIRE
Phil, what are you do--

DESIREE (O.S.)
Hi again!

Claire turns to see Desiree rolling the bike up the driveway.

DESIREE (CONT'D)
I found your bike.

PHIL
Oh, good! At the gas station?

DESIREE
No, one of my neighbors saw it and put it in my garage when you were in my bedroom.

PHIL
So, all's well that ends well. (off Claire's glare)
Classic me?
40 INT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - MANNY'S ROOM - DAY 40
Jay, dressed for his trip, pours himself a drink. The PHONE * RINGS. During the
following, Jay looks out the window at * Manny, who is sitting on the curb waiting
for his dad. *
JAY (ON PHONE)
Hello.
(beat)
Oh. Hey Javier. Manny's outside waiting for you.
(beat) What? Why not?

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 24.

41 JAY INTERVIEW

41

JAY

His son's sitting on the curb waiting *

to go to Disneyland and Superman can't *
drag himself away from a craps table. *
And I'm the jerk. *

42 INT. MOMMY AND ME CLASS - DAY 42

A song ends and everybody claps. Cam is standing with Helen. * CAMERON *
So, seen any good movies lately? *

HELEN
Well, my husband and I just rented Mamma Mia last night. I liked it, but I'm not
sure Meryl Streep was the right choice. What did you think?*
*
*
*
*Cameron looks as if he's about to explode.*42ACAMERON INTERVIEW42A*CAMERON
Excuse me, Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice. She's
perfection. Whether she's divorcing Kramer or wearing Prada and don't get me
started on Sophie. Oh my god, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
(losing it)
She couldn't forgive herself.*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*42BINT. MOMMY AND ME CLASS - CONTINUOUS42B*CAMERON
She seemed all right, I suppose.*
*Nearby, Mitchell sits with Lily trying to get [Link] a*
*MITCHELL
Grab it. Grab it.*
*Mitchell notices Danielle nearby talking to a and their child, who's stacked three
[Link]*
*DANIELLE
Henry's stacking? Good job, Henry!*
*
MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 25.

42B

CONTINUED:

42B

Mitchell hands Lily the block and again it falls to the * ground. He notices Tyler
nearby who's built a small tower of * blocks. His mother, Helen, is now distracted
on her cell * phone. Mitchell then sees Danielle is occupied, and quickly *
switches the babies so Lily is now in front of the tower. *

MITCHELL *
(for the class's benefit) *
Lily, not too high. *

Danielle approaches. *

DANIELLE *
Did Lily do that? Amazing. *

MITCHELL *
I know, I turned my back for two *
seconds! *

DANIELLE *
(calling a mother over) *
Helen, look at this. Look what Lily *
did. *

HELEN *
Oh, wow. *
(then looking at the *
scattered blocks in front of *
Tyler, disappointed) *
Oh. *

DANIELLE *
That's a big moment for her. Would *
you like a video tape of that? *

MITCHELL *
I'm not sure I could get her to do it *
again. *

DANIELLE *
(points to a mounted camera *
in the corner of the room) *
Oh, we tape all the classes for *
research purposes. *

INSERT VIDEO CAMERA FOOTAGE: Mitchell looks up into the * camera like a deer in
headlights. *

DANIELLE (CONT'D) *
I'll get you a copy at the end of *
class. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 26.

42B

CONTINUED: (2)

42B

MITCHELL *

Super. *

As Danielle heads off, Mitchell scoops up Lily and goes over * to Cameron who's
sitting by himself. *

MITCHELL (CONT'D) *
We've got to get out of here. *

CAMERON *
Fine by me. I'm not having a lot of *
fun since you clipped my wings. Which *
you used to be the wind beneath, by *
the way. *
Mitchell starts strapping Lily in the stroller. * DANIELLE *
Oh, look who's here. Anton and Scott! *

ANTON and SCOTT, two stylish, hip-looking GAY MEN come into* the class, with an
AFRICAN-AMERICAN BABY. *

ANTON *
Sorry we're late! *

SCOTT *
Don't look at me. The eye candy here *
can't leave the house without spending *
twenty minutes in front of the mirror. *

The parents laugh and greet class [Link]*

*
CAMERON
(to Mitchell) Are you kidding me?
*
*
*MITCHELL
Ugh, let's just go.
I made a total*
*mess of this. I held you back and I *
stole a baby's intellectual property. *

CAMERON *
What? *

MITCHELL*You'll see it on [Link]'s go.*

Mitchell and Cameron begin to leave as a disco beat starts to * play. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 27.

42B

CONTINUED: (3)

42B

DANIELLE *

Okay, parents, Family Dance. *

Everybody dance for your baby! * Mitchell and Cam freeze. *
MITCHELL *
(to Cam) *
You want to, don't you? *

CAMERON*I do.I do want to dancefor mybaby.*

Mitchell gives him the go sign and Cameron joins the dancers, * quickly
establishing himself as the best one out there, * incorporating his trademark butt
slapping. The place goes * nuts. *

43 EXT. JAY & GLORIA'S HOUSE - FRONT STEP - DAY 43 *

Manny is outside still waiting for his father. Jay walks up. *

JAY *
So listen, sorry, but I've got some *
bad news. *

MANNY *
What? *

JAY *
Your dad can't make it. *

MANNY *
Why not? *

JAY *
Well, the plane was full and there was *
an old lady who needed to get home so *
he gave up his seat. *

MANNY *
You're making that up, aren't you? *

JAY *
No. *

MANNY *
He just didn't want to come. *

JAY *
Are you kidding me? He was really *
upset. He was dying to see you. *

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 28.

43 CONTINUED: 43

A LIMO pulls up. *

JAY (CONT'D) *
In fact, look what he sent for us. *

MANNY *
A limo? *

JAY *
Yeah. He wanted me and your mom to *
take you to Disneyland. *

Manny looks at Jay, he looks at the car. At that moment, * there's pure joy on
his face. *

MANNY *
Wow, he's the best dad in the world. *

JAY *
Yeah, he's a real prince. *

44 JAY INTERVIEW

44

JAY

Okay, the key to being a good dad? *

45 EXT. DUNPHY HOUSE - STREET - DAY 45

Phil and Luke ride their bikes together.

46 OMITTED

JAY (V.O.) *
Look, sometimes things work out just *
the way you want... *

46 *

47 INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 47

Mitch and Cam sit with Lily. As Mitchell hands her a block,* she still can't grab
it and drops it. *

JAY (V.O.) *
And sometimes they don't. You gotta *
hang in there. *

Mitchell hands her the block again. *

48 OMITTED
49 INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT

Gloria, Jay, and Manny ride in the back. A sleeping Manny with Mickey Mouse ears
leans his head on Jay's shoulder.
48
*

49

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 29.

49 CONTINUED:

49

JAY (V.O.) *

Because when all is said and done, *

ninety percent of being a dad... is *
just showing up. *

END OF ACT FOUR

MODERN FAMILY "The Bicycle Thief" 8/12/09 Shooting Draft 30.

50 EXT. ARCADE - DAY

TAG *

50 *

Phil furtively rolls the bike to the spot he found it. He * leans it against the
wall, looks around, attempts to walk * away when a kid's voice calls out. *

KID'S VOICE (O.S.) *

Hey! That's my bike! *

Phil takes off running. *