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Reducing Sibling Rivalry
Parenting Sibling rivalry, a prevalent challenge in many families, can range in intensity from petty
quarrels to behavior with far-reaching consequences. It is not uncommon for siblings to
Exercise
constantly pick at each other, and disagreements are often a part of everyday life. However,
n/a sometimes, the animosity between siblings can become more than ‘normal’ and eventually
Client disrupt the quality of familial relationships [1].
No Numerous variables can contribute to sibling rivalry, including family size, parental
relationships, parent-child relationships, children’s genders, birth order, and personality
[2]. Sibling rivalry can also start very early, sometimes before a new sibling arrives (i.e.,
when a child learns a baby brother or sister is on the way) [1]. Research has shown that
excessive rivalry and problematic sibling relationships can have long-term consequences,
including deviant behavior in late childhood and adolescence [1]. Additionally, sibling
rivalry can be upsetting and emotionally taxing on parents and significantly interfere with
the harmony of the home [3].
According to McCready [4], key parenting practices can reduce sibling rivalry. These include
ensuring parents do not label their children (e.g., as “the smart one” or “the funny one”),
giving undivided individual attention to each child daily, and teaching children conflict
resolution skills, for example.
This tool invites parents to reflect on how sibling rivalry plays out in their household and
how they deal with it. Parents can then identify some strategies to apply with their children
and help foster understanding, empathy, and cooperation between siblings.
Author
This tool was created by Dr. Lucinda Poole.
Goal
The goal of this tool is to guide parents in managing and reducing sibling rivalry at home
and help foster understanding, empathy, and cooperation between siblings.
[1]
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Advice
■ While the strategies included in this exercise can help reduce sibling rivalry, they
may not remove it altogether. To a certain extent, sibling rivalry is normal, and the
strategies included can help to reduce it.
■ Parents are reminded and encouraged to be patient with their children as they learn to
navigate sibling rivalry. In particular, conflict resolution is an advanced social skill that
may take some time and practice to master.
■ Parents should be encouraged to try various strategies in different situations to
identify the most suitable and effective ways to minimize rivalry in their family.
■ It may be beneficial to display the sibling rivalry strategies (Step 3) at home, where
they can be easily seen by parents. This can serve as a reminder for parents to practice
them.
References
1. Moser, R., & Jacob, T. (2002). Parental and sibling effects in adolescent outcomes.
Psychological Reports, 91(2), 463-479.
2. Liu, C., & Rahman, M. N. A. (2022). Relationships between parenting style and sibling
conflicts: A meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 936253.
3. Idris, M. S., & Hadi, P. (2020). Sibling rivalry and its management (A case study of a
family in Makassar). Jurnal Psikologi Pendidikan & Konseling, 6, 35-41.
4. McCready, A. (2016). The me, me, me epidemic: A step-by-step guide to raising capable,
grateful kids in an over-entitled world. Los Angeles, CA: TarcherPerigee.
[2]
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Reducing Sibling Rivalry
Introduction
Sibling rivalry is a natural and inevitable occurrence in families with more than one child. Children can play
beautifully one minute and quarrel furiously the next, bringing tears, name-calling, and even physical fighting.
Managing these conflicts can be challenging; however, there are tools and strategies to reduce the occurrence
of sibling rivalry in your family.
In this exercise, you will reflect on how sibling rivalry plays out in your household and how you deal with it.
You will then learn some simple yet effective sibling rivalry strategies to try out over the next two weeks
(and beyond).
Step 1: Reflect on current sibling rivalry
To begin, consider what sibling rivalry looks like in your household. Is there a common dynamic or pattern
of behavior?
Think about situations where conflicts arise and the typical behaviors your children exhibit. For example,
maybe your toddler is unwilling to share his toys, your eldest bosses the youngest around, or your twin
children constantly compete for the same things.
Please describe how sibling rivalry typically shows up in everyday life.
Step 2: Reflect on your current approach
Now, think about how you typically respond to sibling rivalry in your family and how effective this is.
Reflecting on the common instances of sibling rivalry that you described in the previous step, how do you
try to resolve the conflict? For example, you might raise your voice to assert yourself as the boss or ignore
the behavior. Maybe you try to reason with your children or give them a timeout. Or perhaps you take things
away or threaten to do so.
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In Part 1 of your Sibling Rivalry Worksheet (Appendix), describe how you tend to deal with sibling rivalry.
Write your response in the space labeled, “I typically respond by…”
Then, in the second column, rate how effective each method is in diffusing arguments on a scale of 1 (not at
all effective) to 10 (extremely effective).
Step 3: Strategies to reduce sibling rivalry
Now that you have considered your current approach to sibling rivalry, it is time to learn about strategies to
help deal with it more effectively. The following simple parenting strategies can help reduce sibling rivalry.
1) Encourage their strengths without using labels
Labels can significantly increase sibling rivalry. When parents label their children in ways such as “the helpful
one,” “the smart one,” or “the sporty one,” they can inadvertently draw comparisons between their children.
When referring to one child as the “clever one,” the other child might think, “I’m not smart” (so why even try).
Sibling rivalry often occurs as children compete for their parent’s approval, so avoiding these labels can help
reduce competition and foster a more cooperative and supportive relationship among siblings. Instead, try
recognizing each child’s unique strengths and encouraging their individual interests without making direct
comparisons.
2) Give each child individual attention
One of the key reasons children argue is to gain their parent’s attention, and, from their perspective, even
negative attention can be preferable to nothing. You can prioritize giving each child plenty of regular,
intentional attention for at least 10-15 minutes daily. This attention should be kid-centered and distraction-
free, meaning your child leads the way by choosing an activity he or she wants to do, and you focus fully on
them and the activity.
Ensuring regular attention for each child will make them less inclined to compete. However, balancing this
individual attention with family activities that promote togetherness is also important.
3) Show children how to resolve conflicts
You can teach your children skills to deal with conflict independently to help decrease sibling arguments at
home. Some helpful skills to teach kids include:
■ Taking turns: teach your children how to ask for a turn (“May I play with…when you’re done”) and how to
respond when another child wants a turn (“I’m not finished playing with it yet, but you can have it after”).
■ Using “I feel” statements: teach your children to explain how the situation makes them feel rather than
immediately blaming their sibling. For example, “I feel annoyed that you took my toy,” or “I feel left out
when you tell me I’m just a baby.” This can help shift the focus from blaming to understanding.
[4]
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■ Give them space: Sometimes, it’s best to separate siblings and allow breathing space until emotions
have settled. You can encourage your children to walk away, have some time apart, and take a few deep
breaths to calm down.
4) Don’t automatically assign blame
Sibling arguments often have underlying causes like competition for parental attention, personal space
issues, or developmental stages. Assigning blame can make the situation worse and lead to resentment
between siblings. Before jumping to conclusions, try to understand what led to the conflict and avoid
assigning excessive blame to a specific child.
In an argument, both parties often share some responsibility, as it usually involves contributions from
everyone involved. Assigning blame can also intensify the conflict if one child feels the parent is unfairly
taking sides.
5) Calm the conflict
Your reaction can also set the tone for how the conflict is resolved (or not). Try to stay calm and neutral,
avoiding showing frustration or favoritism towards one child over the other.
Help your children solve the conflict without judgment or taking sides. This can be difficult if you know what
started the argument and one child is at the center of it. However, it’s important to listen to each child’s
version and ask how their actions might have affected their sibling(s).
You can then guide them to make amends by apologizing, sharing, or helping each other, for example.
6) Balance equality and fairness
When appropriate, parents can give all children involved in the conflict the same consequence or outcome.
This might sound like, “You can take turns with the ball, or I will put it away for the rest of the day.” This can
show children that finding a solution and getting along is actually in their best interest.
Please note that caution should be used here, as disciplining a ‘blameless’ child may lead to resentment. It is
essential to strike a balance between treating children equally and fairly.
Step 4: Practice sibling rivalry strategies
Over the next two weeks, look for opportunities to practice the strategies described in the previous step.
When an argument or disagreement arises, choose a strategy you think will be most effective. Aim to try all
six strategies over this two-week period and notice how effective each strategy is, as some may work better
than others in different families and circumstances.
On Part 2 of the Sibling Rivalry worksheet, record each strategy you practice in the first column. Then, in the
second column, rate the strategy’s effectiveness in diffusing the argument on a scale of 1 (not at all effective)
to 10 (extremely effective).
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Step 5: Reflection
After two weeks, please take a moment to reflect on the following:
■ What insights have you gained from completing this exercise?
■ Which strategies were most effective in managing sibling conflict in your home?
■ Have you noticed any change or reduction in the frequency of arguments between your children? If so,
what changes have you noticed?
■ Have you noticed any change or reduction in the intensity of arguments between your children? If so,
what changes have you noticed?
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Appendix: Sibling Rivalry Worksheet
PART 1
Using the table below, describe how you deal with sibling rivalry at home in the first column.
In the second column, rate how effective each method is in diffusing arguments on a scale of 1 (not at all
effective) to 10 (extremely effective).
Part 1. Current parenting approaches to sibling rivalry (Step 2)
I typically respond by… Effectiveness
(out of 10)
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PART 2
Over the next two weeks, practice using each of the six sibling rivalry strategies whenever an argument
between siblings arises.
Record each strategy used in the first column of the table below. In the second column, rate the strategy’s
effectiveness in diffusing the argument on a scale of 1 (not at all effective) to 10 (extremely effective).
Part 2. Practicing the six sibling rivalry strategies (Step 4)
Sibling rivalry strategy used Effectiveness
(out of 10)
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