1 - [Objects rattle] - Shh! You'll wake Lily. - It was so burnt.

[Whispering] How drunk are you? I told you - Lit.

three times - she's on that school trip.
- Lit.
- [Whispering] I'd feel more confident - if you
weren't also whispering. - Lit.

- [Normal voice] Fair point. I don't even remember half these bars.

[Normal voice] Are Are you wearing lipstick? - Did we go to a hospital last night? Okay,
Hm? - Am I wearing nail polish? So, we kind of Grandma Tucker's hangover remedy Put a pat
had a crazy night out. of butter underneath your tongue, tip your head
back, and I'll pour the hot sauce up your nose.
It started off at this little under-the-radar
speakeasy I heard about. - [Cellphones chimes, vibrates] - Wait, wait,
wait, wait.
Uh, he Googled "cool bars near me.
- That's a group text from Binker.
" Anyway, we met a group of 20-somethings
that took a shine to us. - What? - Mm-hmm.

They introduced us to the world of underground - Oh, my gosh.

parties and $18 cocktails.
The gang wants to get back together and party
tonight. " - [Cellphones chimes, vibrates] - [Gasps] Oh,
everyone's in.
And you said we'd never hear from them after
they saw us in that horrible Denny's lighting. Look at all those thumbs of colors.

Okay, we have to play this exactly right We They're so woke.

don't want to come off too eager, but we also
want to let 'em know we're down to mob. [Cellphones chimes, vibrates] "We're out.

- [Groaning] Oh, my God. Catch you next time"? Mitchell.

- Cam, you know our rule, we never go out two How could you? Storm out softly.
nights in a row.
You'll wake Lily.
- Yeah, I know, but this is - We're already
pushing it by going to that lecture series Phil: Morning, honey.
tonight.
Don't mind all the Caltech gear.
What lecture series? - [Mug thuds] - Alan
Greenspan's top aide. I figured I'd surprise Alex at school and take her
to lunch.
We bought the season pass so we'd get
premium seating to "A Night of Sarcasm with Surprise her? At the end of the semester?
Fran Lebowitz. Honey, she's probably in the middle of exams.
 [Door slams shut] I made a decision to be less
She's gonna be thrilled. negative.

Have you ever seen a video of yourself wearing It's the new me, the girl who says "yes.
something you didn't realize was unflattering?
Well, that happened to me recently, and it was " Friend went to Mexico for the weekend.
my personality.
I'm finding the level.
For centuries, man has longed to rule the air like
the majestic squirrel. Crockett and Tubbs, you look snazzy.

The wait ends today. Thanks I think.

Nope. I'm trying to step up my game.

Luke: Uh, but what if we - Doesn't matter. I started seeing someone from work.

- Alex: Hey, Mom. Oh, honey.

I can pull this off, right? - Let me. I don't know if I think that's such a good idea
that Never mind.
- Oh.
I approve.
[Doorbell ringing] Ah, we're not home.
[Dog food pouring] I doubt my mom would
approve if she knew the whole story. then the brain.

[Birds chirping] Woman: Pool boy. But I can't say anything to Jay, because when it
comes to his appearance, he's very sensitive.
I need more towels.
Mi amor, I'm back.
Right away, ma'am.
- Welcome home.
Done.
- [Gasps] [Chuckles] You hate it, right? I'll shave
I just approved another design. it.

The most luxurious dog bed yet. It's a joke.

I call it The Top of the Bark. Stupid! Good dawning, all.

Gloria: Ah, that's nice that you can run your new Jay: What am I looking at? Is the vet worried
company at home in clothes that you can only you're gonna bite yourself? It's a traditional
wear at home. Tudor collar.

When men get to a certain age, they stop trying. I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society,
and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual.
I've seen it before.
I don't hate it.
First, it starts with the clothes, then the body,
I think it makes your head look like one of those
fancy cookies. Jay, what do you think? We'll go out for a nice
lunch, dress up a little bit.
I also have to recite several Shakespearean
monologues and festoon our dining hall with This feels like an attack.
some bawdy bunting.
All right, that's as gentle as I can go, I am
What happened to hazing? It used to be macho Colombian, not Canadian.
stuff, you know, like making a guy drink a shot
out of your belly button or passing an orange I got an e-mail from the club.
around only using your butt cheeks.
The older players have taken over the driving
Look. range for bocce weekday mornings.

It's one of the most selective groups on So what? You can play golf later.
campus.
No, we got a whole group the Sunrise Swingers.
I don't want to jinx it, but a week from now, I
could be learning - the steps of the secret We meet there at 6:00, hit a bucket.
minuet.
One of the gals is making up tank tops.
- Ooh.
Oh, yay.
This is what happens when you eliminate
campus bullying. More casual clothes.
No, I'm going down there, get the support of It wasn't just about lunch.
some of the other golfers.
Of my three kids, I've always felt least
- Maybe I can fight this thing. connected with Alex.

- Okay, good idea, but don't forget that there is And I'm afraid that the distance between us
a dress code at the club. might grow after she graduates.

They probably already overturned it. Wow.

Ah, the whole place went to hell when they Graduates? It was just, like, 10 years ago when
stopped putting ice in the urinals. she took her first college course.

There's just something about destroying a thing I really wish you would've called.
while you're taking a pee that makes a man feel
like a man. I can't go to lunch today.

Oh, well, hello there. I'm late for - an event.

- Uh, Dad. - Is that why you're all dressed up? Yeah.

What are you doing here? - Hi. But it's no big deal.

I thought I'd take you to lunch. B-T-dubs, have you seen your school paper?
Apparently, your valedictorian is a chimp.
Says here, "families welcome.
How is that not bigger news? It's a fake paper,
Dad. " But I didn't RSVP.

It's senior prank week. Says here, "walk-ins encouraged.

Oh. " What an informative flyer.

I wish I'd known that before I sent your mom [Laughs] Awesome.
this text.
Let's do this.
"It's starting.
[Groans] Yoga, right? No winners, no losers, no
Hide the bananas. "who's best?" You want me to tell you that you
are the only one that didn't need help from the
" [Chuckles] - Seriously?! - The Kepler Award? teacher? Was I? - Janice.
Is this where you're going, 'cause it looks like
it's a big deal? It's just a boring reception for Hi.
finalists.
- Hi.
Well, I love a good reception.
This is Claire, my husband's daughter.
What time are we expected? Oh, I don't think
I'm allowed to bring guests. - Hi.
 Ooh, I like this new Claire that says "yes" to
- Hi. things.

So, that makes Gloria kind of like your Before, you would be like, uh what is the word
stepmother. for grouchy? I don't think it matters now.

Yeah, we don't do that. Early 20s, huh.

- Oh. Well, you're still beating gravity at that point.

- Um, anyways, how is your new boyfriend? I bet everything is right where it should be.
Pretty great.
- Oh, yes.
I do feel a little awkward about the age
difference, though. - Yeah.

Check out this selfie he sent - of his abs.

Ooh, which way are we talking? He's, uh, in his - [Gasps] Damn! Mm.
early 20s.
It's so nice to be with someone who takes care
[Gasps] Noice! Isn't that embarrassing? No. of himself, not like the guys my age.

I say go for it. Tell me about it.

Jay's starting to give up a little bit. I got a doozy about stag-flation.

You know, in the way that he's dressing. - Just hear me out.

- Mm. - You - We decided - No, you decided.

- Why don't you bring your guy by the house to And, Mitchell, we had so much fun last night.
remind Jay that women like a man that make a
little effort. Lily's gone for one more night.

- Um, well, we're free later today, if that works. Let's go out! Come on.

- Perfect. Have some fun.

And, Claire, you come, too, so that you help me And break our two-night-in-a-row rule? - No,
nudge Jay in the right direction. no.

Well, I wouldn't want my first "no" - to be to my I don't think so.

stepmother.
- [Sighs] Okay, you slept two hours last night.
- I said we're not doing that.
You know you hit a wall when you get overtired.
Cam, hurry! If we get there early enough, we get
to submit a question about Greenspan. - It's very intense.
- You know what I think this is? I think you're came and seduced me, Mr.
worried that you can't keep up - with me and
my youthful spirit. Robinson.

- Mm. Okay, yeah, that's a youthful reference.

The other day, you called a refrigerator an You should trot that out with your new friends.
icebox.
Cam, this is so you, okay? You're running
That's not old, that's country cute. yourself ragged trying to remain young.

- Okay. I mean, there's nothing wrong with accepting

the fact that you're getting a little older.
- Let's face it.
Unless you're admitting it too soon.
You were born 50, and I've always been young
at heart. You don't want to look up one day and think,
"Oh, what did I forget to do? Oh, yeah.
And you know what? Maybe that's what
attracted you to me in the first place my boyish Live.
charm.
" Well, you know what? If you need me, I'm
gonna be pre-gaming in Binker's loft in an
abandoned cannery in the old pickle district.
And you were an older, seasoned man who
 It's just that I, uh I'm trying to get something
started here.
- Sounds drafty.
I mean, uh, of course we have to meet in
- Yeah. secrecy, but I don't mind hosting at my house.

[Door slams shut] Woman: Nice roll. - Are you actually suggesting - Lady, wake up.

Jay: The bocce situation was worse than I Our way of life is under attack.
feared.
Pretty soon, there won't be enough of us for a
I had to get the range back in the hands of the decent foursome.
Sunrise Swingers.
[Quietly] I have to go.
Listen, I, uh, got to be discreet.
Okay.
Uh, I'm sort of behind enemy lines here.
Well, just think about it.
But, uh, if I'm not mistaken, you're a fellow, uh,
- "swinger. - That's all.

" - Excuse me? No, no, it's okay. Just think about it.

I'm cool. - Okay.

 I've made an appearance.
- Worth a shot, huh? - What? No, that's not
what I meant. - I think we can go.

Oh, that's what you bocce players are about, - Come on, now, Alex.
huh? You find something nice, and you ruin it.
This is a party in your honor, and you're here
with your own personal cheerleader.

[Indistinct conversations, piano plays softly] - Dad, I just - I know how to pump up an
That's Dr. academic crowd.

Stieglitz. I had to cheer for the debate team once.

He makes the final decision on the award. "Be persuasive, B-E persuasive.

He's brilliant and scary and impossible to " - "B-E P-E-R-S " - That's enough.
impress.
Stieglitz: "Damn.
Hey, I know this is your dad talking, but you're
pretty brilliant and scary and impossible Might as well ask Schrodinger's cat.
yourself.
" [Laughter] Pets.
Okay.
I once had a macaw that could use a remote
control. I've always wondered about.

Watched a lot of cable. - Uh, maybe keep wondering.

You'd think, uh You'd think Animal Planet, but it Would there be a safe amount of helium you
was mostly Cinemax. could give a baby that would lift it off the
ground? What? [Laughing] Oh.
- I'm Alex's dad.
I don't want it to float away.
- [Chuckles] Alex, get in here.
I-I just want it to have fun.
Actually, I was referring to a thought experiment
concerning a paradox in quantum mechanics. Can we Could you do me a favor? I'm having a
package delivered to my dorm room, and
Yes, quite, quite. someone needs to be there to sign for it.

[Inhales deeply] Where are you all from Can't your roommate do it? No.
originally? It was so embarrassing.
She got deported.
Professor Stieglitz is a genius.
I thought she was from Arkansas.
He doesn't fall for people who pretend to
understand him by saying things like "Quite, Yeah, but her parents were traitors.
quite," or, "Indeed," or Touché, my good
man! But seriously, I-I have a science question - - Beth and Allen? - Don't feel bad.
 numbers? Mean.
We all fell for it.
This is why no one wants to code with you,
So you want me to go back to your dorm room Tina.
and sit and wait for a package? Yes.
[Glass thuds] Hey.
Oh, sh-shoot, honey.
How in the world did you find me? You know
I I have a delivery coming back to the house, that app you can put on kids' phones to track
too, so I should run. them? You put one on my phone after I
surprised you today? Don't make me feel worse
- Well, if you have to. than I already do.

- Yeah. Wait a minute.

I'm so sorry. You won?! Congratulations! Please don't be

happy for me.
But, hey, good luck, okay? Bye, Dad.
I can't take it.
Uh, did I seem a little Zero Kelvin? Cold.
I was such a jerk to you.
Yeah.
No, honey, I get it.
So you think I was Like the sum of a group of
numbers divided by the number of those I, uh I know I can be embarrassing.
 Sometimes I feel like I just went through the four
I I just get nervous around smart people. best years of my life, only I forgot to make them
the four best years of my life.
Sometimes even you.
Well, college isn't over.
The first time I ever said "quite, quite" was when
you were 6 years old and you just told me about And I just may be able to help you make up for
how plants make carbon dioxide. a little lost time.

This may surprise you, but sometimes I wish I Hot Wing Trivia's about to start.
was more like you, the way you're always able
to enjoy life. I have you guys registered as "The Dunphys"?
How did you? You knew I was coming? Let's
Believe it or not, I felt the same way about my not forget where you learned about that
dad. tracking app.

I'm a I'm a pessimist compared to him. [Scottish accent] And there's one tiny change.

And his dad actually suffered from a smile- We're actually the MacDunphys.
induced hernia.
Only my dad would think that a trivia game
It's prank week, and I spent the whole time in [Scottish accent] The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire.
the library.
[Bell dings, crowd cheers] where you balance
hats on your head, drink beer as a reward
[Scottish accent] Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. of natural causes.

Cameron: I'm gonna keep the bounce going,

okay? - Keep the bounce going.
- [Bell dings, crowd cheers] - and eat hot wings
as a punishment Millard Fillmore! [Buzzer, Mitchell: Yeah, you know, it's a little more - sass
crowd chanting "Eat!"] needed that one last in the neck, because - Oh, my gosh! Mitchell,
twist of a Scottish accent. what are you doing here? - What about the
lecture? - Well, uh, it was deadly.

Yeah, I'm getting old before my time.

Dopey, Sneezy and Grumpy? - [Bell dings,
crowd cheers] - Yeah! [Laughs] Whoever said Please take me with you! Make me young again!
the most important thing in life is winning Oh, my gosh, we're so happy you're here.
awards wasn't all wrong.
- Really? - Yeah, of course.
Man: I still remember the day Mr.
Greenspan coined the term "irrational - No "I told you so"? - No.
exuberance.
That's not how my generation does it.
" He had taken a longer than usual tub and, as
he sat in the soapy water I had made a mistake. Well, check you out, still going strong.

Cam was off on an adventure while I sat there Yeah, you know what? I think I'm just feeding
dying of boredom, surrounded by people dying off the energy, because I haven't felt this awake
in - Hold on just a second. no, no, no, no, don't point at me.

- Hm? Yo, blue guy! Hey, blue shirt! What's up, I'll rip your finger off and feed it to your red-
bro? Hey! You looking at me? What do you headed girlfriend! - Okay, that is a mirror.
want to do? You want to dance? Why is he
staring at me? You know, you know, I don't - Huh? And I knew this sweater made me look
think he was looking at you. busty.

It seems like he's looking at me. Okay, w-w-why is my hand shaking? Did
somebody put something in my drink? Hey! Did
What's Are you getting a little tired? Oh, please. one of you Ritalin-addicted millennial scooter
jockeys dose me? Huh? What, you think you
Can a tired guy do this? Da! Hey, I love these can take this tree down, do you? Well, guess
guys! Whoa. what! I'm a redwood! That's right, I was here
before you were born, and I'll be here after
Oh, did you know Daryl Daryl's mom was the you're gone! - Okay, okay.
runner-up in the Miss Illinois pageant [deep
voice] in 1990?! The year I graduated Daryl's - Yeah! - He gets like this.
mom was hot - Ow! - Mitchell: Fantastic.
He just needs a nap.
Cam, I think you might be hitting that wall.
- [Grunts] - Nap time.
No, no, no, I'm fine.
- Okay.
I would What's this clown staring at? Hey! No,
- Nap.
- I didn't know you weren't staring at me.
Let's go.
- Shh.
- No, I don't want to go, though! - I like my new
friends! - Yeah, I know. It's okay.

Do you guys like me? 'Cause I like you! Yeah. - [Crying] No, I don't want to go.

I want to stay! Hey! And I'm really sorry about I nailed my monologues for the Elizabethan
everything. Society.

- You got to let him go. Methinks you're looking at a brand-new Lizzie.

- No, I'm sorry. So it is "methinks.

- You got to let him go. " So, why does Jay correct me every time I say
that? [Doorbell rings] Jay, we have company!
It's okay. Do not hide in the bedroom.

Thank you. - Hello.

- I'm so sorry. - Hi.

- Bye-bye. - Thank you for coming.

- [Chuckles] - Where's the boyfriend? - He's just
parking.

And, you know, we realized something on the

way over, and it's a little awkward.