Samuel French Acting Edition

Sordid Lives
A Comedy in Four Chapters

by Del Shores

Song "Sordid Lives" by

Margot Rose & Beverly Nero

[Link] [Link]
 THE CAST

BITSY MAE HARLING-the guitar playing ex-con singer.

TY WILLIAMSON- 27, a beautiful gay man on a journey.
SISSY ffiCKEY- mid 50's, the caretaker who picked the wrong
day to quit smoking.
NOLETA NETHERCOTT---early 40's the angry overweight
betrayed housewife.
LATRELLE WILLIAMSON-early 50's, Ty's uptight, proper
mother.
LA VONDA DUPREE- late 40's, Latrelle's liberal-minded
worldly sister.
G.W. NETERCOTT-late 40's, the distraught legless Vietnam Vet.
WARDELL "BUBBA" OWENS- late 40's, the former gay-bash-
ing remorseful bartender.
ODELL OWENS-mid 40's, Wardell's worthless story-telling
brother.
DR. EVE BOLINGER- late 40's, the over-sexed pill-popping,
alchoholic therapist.
EARL "BROTHER BOY" INGRAM- late 40's, the Tammy
Wynette obsessed transvestite.
REV. BARNES- the Southern Baptist preacher. (Author's sugges-
tion is to double cast with the actor who plays ODELL.)
 THE SETTINGS

CHAPTER ONE- Nicotine Fit- Sissy's living room, Winters, TX.

CHAPTER TWO-Two Wooden Legs- The local bar, Winters, TX.
CHAPTER THREE- The Dehomosexualization of Brother Boy-
A therapist's office, Mental Institution, Big Spring, TX.
CHAPTER FOUR- All Laid Out (In a Mink Stole}-Southside
Baptist Church, Wmters, TX.
All Chapters begin with Ty's therapy sessions, New York, NY

THE TIME
July 24th & 25th, 1998

AUTHOR'S NOTE: These people are real. Don't play them as car-
toons, please. Each chapter may be pulled out and produced as a
One Act (but you still have to pay royalties!).

FOR

Newell & Rosemary

Rebecca & Caroline

For their unconditional love and acceptance

 CHAPTER ONE

Nicotine Fit

(In the darkness, we hear a guitar strum. A spot hits BITSY MAE
HARLING, who is standing downstage left in front of a mike.
She gives the audience a look, then sings.)

BITSY. (Slow counfly rhythm.)

"Who's to judge who's a saint and who's a sinner?
Lord it's tough enuf to trudge from brunch to dinner.
We seek the light of truth betwee~ our white lies.
And sleep away our youth under 1:aftle-tale skies.

(Picks up tempo.)

Who's to say who's a sinner and who's a saint?

Who's to say who you can love and who you cain't?
It's easy for the pot to call the kettle black
When jealous of the hot'n lusty sordid lives they lack.

Ain't it a bitch sortin' out our sordid lives?

It's a bitch when you come to realize,
Crack yerself a box of Cracker Jack
You could get a really shitty prize!
7
8 SORDID LIVES

It's a bitch sortin' out our sordid lives!

We struggle comin' down the shoot to take our first breath.

Then we struggle for acceptance from birth to death.
But the Lord's too busy tryin' to keep the world on it's feet.
He ain't got time to give a shit 'bout what goes on between
the sheets.

Ain't it a bitch sortin' out our sordid lives?

It's a bitch when you come to realize,
Crack yerself a box of Cracker Jack
You could get a really shitty prize!
It's a bitch sortin' out our sorry little sordid lives!"

(Blackout.)

(In the darkness, BITSY moves the mike and exits.

Dim lights come up only on TY, late 20 s, movie star good looks,
sitting on a chair downstage center. He talks to his therapist
[the audience].)

TY. You're my twenty-seventh therapist in three years.

(Searching.) Where to start... ? I'm from the South. Texas actually.
I was raised rigid Southern Baptist. I'm an actor. And I'm gay.
Now you know why I've needed twenty-seven therapists in the
past three years. (Pause.) I always hate ... okay... let's see. Oh! I had
a dream last ni ght. I know you guys love dreams. It was about Ruth
Buzzi. From "Laugh-In." When I was a little boy, I was never
allowed to watch "Laugh-In." "Too vulgar and risque" my Mama
used to say. But one summer, I spent three weeks with my Aunt
LaVonda and she let me watch it three Mondays in a row. I felt so
 SORDID LIVES 9

sneaky and evil. I liked that feeling. (Thinks.) I still do. Aunt
LaVonda was so cool she swore me to secrecy. "What ya Mama
don't know won't hurt her, but ifya Mama did know, she hurt us
both!" I love that woman. She used to cuss in front ofme. In fact,
the first time I heard the word "fuck", it came out of her mouth.
She's great. Now I watch it all the time. On cable..."Laugh In" ...
re-runs. It did not date well. So anyway, Ruth Buzzi was playing
that old prude on the park bench, you know, in my dream. And
Artie Johnson was there. And she got all offended and started hit-
ting him on the head with her purse. Then, it went all weird. Ruth's
wig fell off and she was a man. Then she stopped beating on Artie
and they looked at each other. Longingly. Then they started kissing
and ripping at each other's clothes. And Ruth had falsies on and
Artie just tore 'em off. And she was this man! With a beautiful
body- incredible pees and a ripped stomach... great ass. Kinda
looked like Antonio Sabato, Jr.-with Ruth Buzzi's face. And the
most beautiful cock you have ever seen. Ruth was hung like a
horse. Artie looked awful though. He was all flabby and pasty, and
he had this little bitty thumb dick. But you know, Ruth didn't seem
to mind. They just started going at it on that park bench a mile a
minute. I woke up with a hard on, totally turned on by Ruth Buzzi's
old prude woman as a man. (Pause.) What do you think that
means?

(Lights fade to black.)

SISSY. (In blackout.) Well, I tell you one thang. I sure as hell
woundn'ta quit smoking ifl'da known Sister was gonna die.

(Full lights come up and we are in the tackily decorated living

room/dining area of SISSY HICKEY'S house. TY's chair has
IO SORDID LIVES

moved and is now part of the decor which includes a couch,

downstage, "TY's" chair next to it, left of the couch. Center
stage, left, a telephone table sits. A dining room table is fur-
ther upstage, right. SISSY, mid 50 's, is talking on the phone
while cleaning up. She has one of those long telephone cords
that she expertly tosses and pulls around as she scurries
about. The dining table is full of covered dishes, all shapes
and sizes.)

SISSY. Three days now and I'm just about to die myself. Hold
on. (She pulls on a rubber band that she's wearing on her arm and
pops herselfwith it.) Ouch! (Listens.) Oh nothing. (Pause.) Well, if
you must know, it's a little quit smokin' therapy that Roger over at
the Beehive shared with me while he was backcombing my hair.
He paid two thousand dollars at this clinic over in Snyder and they
give him a rubber band. Told him to pop his arm with it ever' time
he wanted a cigarette. Sat there for a week with a buncha other
smokers,just talkin' about any ol' thang and watchin' the television
while poppin' their arms. It's called Behavior Modifi ... somethin'
or 'nother. Roger can tell you the exact wordage. Anyway, it ain't
workin' ! (Listens.) Chorus girl kicks, huh?! This month's issue?
Well, I've got it here somewhere. (There is a knock at the door.)
Vera, I gotta go. Somebody else is at the door. (Looks out window.)
Oh, Lord, it's Noleta Nethercott. I'll call you back. (She hangs up
and goes to the door.) Woohoo.
NOLETA. (0.S.) Woohoo.
SISSY. Woohoo. (Opens door.) Hello, Noleta. Come on in.

(NOLETA NETHERCOIT, pretty, overweight and distraught,

hands SISSY a tuna casserole as she enters.)
 SORDID LIVES 11

NOLETA. (On the verge of tears.) Hello, Sissy. I brung this.

It's my mama's tuna casserole. You know, the one I always make
with the Lays Potato Chips and the cream of mushroom soup.
SISSY. Well, thank you, Noleta. That was mighty nice of you
given the circumstances and all. Are you all right?
NOLETA. I'm fine.

(NOLETA then bursts into tears.)

SISSY. Oh hon!

(SISSY hugs NOLETA.)

NOLETA. (Between sobs.) I just can't believe it. Ever'body's

laughing at me, Sissy. G.W. has made a complete fool outta me.
Can I bum a cigarette, please?
SISSY. Oh, Lord, hon. I quit. Three days ago. Threw 'em all
away. Why don't you set down and I'll get you a nice glass of ice
tea. Would you like a Valium?
NOLETA. Uh-huh.

(SISSY exits for the tea as NOLETA moves to the food table and
begins fixing herself a plate.)

NOLETA. I mean, this has to be awkward for you, Sissy. My

husband killed your sister with his, um ... (Crying.) I threw him out.
I threw his sorry ass out, Sissy. Threw all his stuff out on the front
lawn. Ifhe don't git it by tonight, I'm gonna have a yard sale! But
what am I gonna do now?
SISSY. Aw, hon.
12 SORDID LIVES

(SISSY hands her the tea and moves to the telephone table to find
the Valium in her purse.)

NOLETA. I mean, I have no skills. I'm just a mama and a

wife. What the hell am I suppose to do now!?
SISSY. Awwwww.

(NOLETA continues to wail as SISSYfinds the pills and pulls offa

couple ofKleenex.)

SISSY. (For NOLETA s benefit.) Awwwww. (Mutters.) Shit.

(SISSY hands NOLETA the pills and Kleenex and sits.)

NOLETA. Thank you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be telling you this

seein's that your Sister died on account ofmy husband's ... should I
take one or two of these?
SISSY. I'd take two ifl was you.
NOLETA. Okay.

(NOLETA downs the pills.)

SISSY. You'll feel a lot better when those kick in. (Leans in.)
And you can tell me anythang you want, Noleta. I feel for you. I
do. This whole thang is just one big ... (SISSY takes a Valium her-
selfand chases it with tea.) ... unfortunate mess. Now don't get me
wrong, I loved my sister dearly, but you and me are friends bottom
line, and I'm here for you right now. You hear me talkin' to you? I
mean it.
NOLETA. Thank you, Sissy. Where's LaVonda? I'm just so
scared this is gonna affect our friendship. You know how close we
are.
 SORDID LIVES 13

SISSY. I know. LaVonda and Latrelle went over to the funeral

home to make all the arrangements. Latrelle is just beside herself.
She is so high-strung. But don't you worry. You know LaVonda.
She loves you like a sister. That ain't gonna change one iota. I'm
gonna get you a re-fill.

(She takes NOLETA s plate and moves to the food table, filling it.)

NOLETA. Thank you. Today I was at the Shamrock, fillin' up.

I just needed one more full tank for a complete set of them Dallas
Cowboy mugs. And you know that trashy thang, Lynnette Walters,
was talkin' to her friend that Gloria, other piece of trash, old man
Holmes' youngest girl, the one with them two illegitimate mulatto
kids. And they was staring at me, pointin', talkin' all hush-hush.
Those two. All skinny in their tube-tops and short-shorts. Like I
was some kind of circus freak or somethin'. Those two, Sissy. Of
all people. Like they was better than me.
SISSY. Well, they're not.
NOLETA. I just went over to her window, threw down a twen-
ty, didn't wait for my change or my Dallas Cowboy mug and left.
SISSY. Good.
NOLETA. Drove down Highway 84, sobbin'to high heaven,
goin' nowhere. I finally had to pull over 'cause I couldn't see the
road no more.
SISSY. Oh, hon.
NOLETA. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be troublin' you. You've got
enough on your mind.

(NOLETA gets up and takes some chicken and a couple of biscuits

from her plate, wrapping them in her napkin.)
14 SORDID LIVES

NOLETA. I gotta go, Sissy. The kids get outta school at three
and I gotta explain about G W. I'm so sorry about Peggy. She was
a good woman, in spite of- (She starts crying again.) Tell
LaVonda to call me.
SISSY. I will. Those Valium oughta kick in any minute.

(SISSY runs and gets the bottle ofpills and hands them to NOLETA.)

SISSY. Here! Take these with ya. I've got another bottle.
NOLETA. Thank you.

(NOLETA exits.)

SISSY. (Calling after her.) Bye, bye, hon. Thanks for the
casserole. And you hold your head up, high, hear?!
NOLETA. (D.S. between sobs.) I'll try.
SISSY. (False sincerity.) I mean it. (Closes door.) Shit.

(She p ops her arm. The phone rings. She runs for it and answers it.)

SISSY. Hello. Oh, hello Vera. No, I hadn't read it yet. Noleta
just left. Well, we had a little talk. She's real upset. Who could
blame her? (Listens.) I know it. I know it. I know it. I give her some
Valium. Bless 'er heart. So Cosmo says that chorus girl kicks will
distract you from a nicotine fit and it'll go away? Well, I don't
know. I just don't thank I could do 'em worth a flyin' flit, and ifl
did, I cringe just to thank about somebody [Link]' in on me and
thinkin' I'm crazy. (Listens, very serious.) Huh-uh. Oh no. I don't
think Brother Boy's mentally stable enough to come to the funer-
al. Last time I visited him, he thought he was Tammy Wynette. Had
on a real pretty wig and a sequined pantsuit, though. And if you'd
 SORDID LIVES 15

squint your eyes and kept a good distance away, he looked just like
Tammy. In the early years. (Listens.) I know it, I know it. I know
it. Tammy's gone now. Clotted lung or somethin'. She's sangin'
with the angels now and they're lucky to have her. Bless 'er heart.
Had more troubles than Christ on the cross. Honey when it came
to life threatenin' illnesses, ol' Tammy was sorta the Elizabeth
Taylor of country music.

(We hear a car drive up. SISSY runs for the door and looks out its
window.)

SISSY. (cont.) I gotta git! That's Latrelle. Oooh. She does not
look happy! Her and LaVonda've been at it all morning long. They
never could git along and I refuse to referee any more. (Listens.)
Well, thank you, hon. I need those prayers. Prayers mean so much.
I'll see ya at the funeral. Bye bye. (She hangs up, pops herselfwith
the rubberband.) Ouch!

(LATRELLE WILLIAMSON, early 50's, very prope1; SJSSY's niece,

but only three years younge,; bursts in the door.)

LATRELLE. (Pissed.) Well, you're just never gonna believe

what she's done now! You just won't!
SISSY. (Overlap.) Well, what did- ?
LATRELLE. (Plowing on.) LaVonda wants to bury Mama in
that ugly ol' mink stole with the head still on it!
SISSY. (Overlap.) Well-
LATRELLE. I know that Mama loved that stole, but good
Lord, Sissy, it's a hundred and eight degrees out and no person liv-
ing or dead should be caught wearin' a mink stole in the middle of
summer. It's not appropriate, it's not right and I will not have it!
And I hope you will support me on this!
16 SORDID LIVES

SISSY. Well I-
LATRELLE. I will not have her making a mockery of my
Mama at her one and only funeral! It's just not gonna happen! Lord
it's hot! Your air conditioner working?
SISSY. Yeah, but when it gets like this, it don't seem to help a
lick.
LATRELLE. Probably needs Freon.
SISSY. (Goes andfiddles with the thermostat.) I never did like
Sister's mink stole no ways. Gave me the heebbie-geebies with
them glass eyes staring out at ya. 'Course she was awful partial to
it.
LATRELLE. I know it. But it's summer, Sissy! Hot, hot sum-
mer! (Rushes over and hugs Sissy.) Oh, thank you, thank you! I
knew you'd back me on this, I did.
SISSY. Well-
LATRELLE. But you know how she is. But she won't listen
to me. I gotta go tittle.
SISSY. I -
LATRELLE. (Rushes out of the room; O.S.) Thank you.
SISSY. (Stares after he,:) Shit! Damn! Shit! (Then pops the
rubberband.) Ouch!
LATRELLE. (OS.) Did you say somethin'?
SISSY. (Calling.) No. You want some ice tea? I just made a
fresh batch!
LATRELLE. (OS.) That'd be heaven. I'm parched.

(SISSY stares at the two glasses of tea on the coffee table, considers,
then refills NOLETA sfrom her own. Then she walks over to the
dining table.)

SISSY. There's enough food in here to feed Cox's army. Folks

been droppin' by all mornin'.
 SORDID LIVES 17

(LATRELLE re-enters adjusting her pantyhose. SISSY hands her

NOLETA s tea, then exits with NOLETA s dirty plate.)

LATRELLE. Did anyone say anything?

SISSY. (O.S.) About what?
LATRELLE. You know, about the circumstances ... (Whis-
pers.). ..surrounding Mama's death.
SISSY. (Re-enters.) Oh, that. Well, Noleta Nethercott was over
here. She brought by a tuna casserole. Her Mama's recipe. (re:
casserole.) That oughta be refrigerated. We will all get ptomaine.

(SISSY exits with the casserole. LATRELLE pulls up her skirt and
starts adjusting her slip.)

SISSY. (0.S.) It's all over town, Latrelle. I'm sorry.

(SISSY re-enters.)

LATRELLE. (Whimpers.) Oh. Well, I refuse to believe a word

of it. Someone started that vicious rumor. That's why I moved
away from this town. Mama was a good Christian woman and
ever'body knows that. (Turns around.) Is ever'thang straight back
there?
SISSY. Looks all right to me. Well, Latrelle, you know I'd
never say anything bad about my sister. I mean, she was like a sec-
ond Mama to me bein's how much older she was. But honey, she
sorta just went a little crazy towards the end after'n your Daddy
died. Just kinda cut loose. Started honky tonkin' out at Bubba's
almost ever' night. Her best friend towards the end was Bitsy Mae
Harling.
LATRELLE. Bitsy Mae Harling who used to date blacks in
high school?
18 SORDID LIVES

SISSY. The one in the same. She's been singing on the week-
ends out at Bubba's since she got out of jail. Said she was framed.
LATRELLE. Prison trash.

(SISSY laughs, which turns into a cough.)

LATRELLE. That's a cigarette cough.

SISSY. No shit.
LATRELLE. You're gonna die of lung cancer just like Aunt
Berthie did. You mark my word. Lord, that was an awful death. She
suffered so.
SISSY. Well, for your information, Miss Smarty Britches, I
quit smokin'. Three days ago!
LATRELLE. Uh-huh. We'll see how long that lasts. Besides,
the damage you have done to your lungs is most likely irreparable.
I read all about it in a magazine at the doctor's office. (Thinks.)
Bitsy Mae Harling and Mama.
SISSY. Yes' ma'am. Then a couple months ago, Sister started
carryin' on with G.W. Nethercott and that was the beginnin' to-
LATRELLE. Stop! Just stop it! I don't want to talk about this
anymore! (Moves to the food table.) I want to remember Mama the
way I want to remember her and not shacked up in a motel room
with a low-life with two wooden legs. Oooh, apple pie. You want
a piece?

(LATRELLE sits and begins eating her pie.)

SISSY. No thanks. Maybe a little later. How's Ty? He still up

in New York?
LATRELLE. (Sighs long and hard, softly.) Yes. Too busy to
come to his one and only grandmother's funeral. Hon, this pie is
good. Who made this?
 SORDID LIVES 19

SISSY. Evelyn Crawley. I guess I will have a little piece after

all. I swear, I'm gonna get as big as Vera Lisso without my nico-
tine.
(SISSY moves to the table, cuts herself some pie and sits across
from LATRELLE.)

LATRELLE. Oh my Lord! I saw Vera today. I stopped in at the

Piggly Wiggly to get a cold drink and I had a craving for something
sweet. My Lord, she has gotten big!
SISSY. You could move in.
LATRELLE. Well, I almost didn't recognize her.
SISSY. She can't even stand up behind that register no more.
They got her a bar stool to sit on, and Leticia Bustamante...that
sweet little Mexkin girl who works the other register... told me that
Tom Ed had to reinforce that stool with lug nuts!
LATRELLE. I'll swear.
SISSY. Vera is so sweet, though. She always slips me a few
extra Green Stamps and doesn't even bother to look at the expira-
tion date on my coupons. She's my best friend.
LATRELLE. But why on God's green earth would anyone let
themselves get that big?
SISSY. She says it's glandular.
LATRELLE. Glandular?

(They laugh.)

SISSY. Oh, I saw Ty in that Alpo commercial where the dog

licks his face. That was real cute. Lord, he is so good lookin'. Y' all
must be proud.
LATRELLE. Well, we're not. I mean, I like that commercial
and all, but after he got off the soap opera, he started doin' theater,
Sissy! Awful, awful stuff. He calls it art.. .I call it trash! Did this one
20 SORDID LIVES

play and begged me and Wilson to come up to New York and see
him in it. Well, I was just dying to see Glenn Close in "Sunset
Blvd.", so I talked Wilson into going up there. The play was called,
oh I forget the name, some musical term..."Allegro" ... "Alegre"-
SISSY. Crescendo?
LATRELLE. No. Whatever it was it had nothin' whatsoever to
do with the subject matter. Anyhow, the play was going all nice
like-and all of a sudden my son walks out on stage-naked! Buck
naked, Sissy!!
SISSY. Sweet Jesus! Neked!
LATRELLE. And you could see everythang.
SISSY. His tallywhacker?
LATRELLE. Everything! And he was playing a...(Whispers.)
... homosexual-again! I just looked down at my lap until it was
over. I have never been so humiliated in all my life. And you know
what he had the audacity to do? Came up to us after and said, "So
what'd ya think?" What'd I think?! What was I supposed to think! ?
Well, I just stared at him with my mouth open and he said, "Okay,
let's go get some dinner." Wilson said we weren't ever going back
to New York. Said it was worse than Los Angeles. I raised him bet-
ter than that, Sissy. I did. Oh! And on top of everything, when we
went to see "Sunset Blvd." the next night, Glenn Close had lost her
voice and this other girl that I never had heard of in my life did the
role of Norma Desmond...who they said had once had a part on
"Rhoda", but I certainly didn't remember her. The entire trip was
one big bust!
SISSY. (Pause, not really listening.) Well, that's too bad. I
thought in that TV movie where he played that AIDS patient that
he was real good. They had him lookin' like death warmed over. I
wish they had given him a bigger part, though. Vera went to the
bathroom and missed him altogether.
 SORDID LIVES 21

LATRELLE. But Sissy, these roles! There's a reoccurring

theme here in case you haven't noticed. Except for the Alpo com-
mercial. After that movie aired, I called him and told him, if you're
gonna play a homosexual, why waste it on a bit part? Win an
Academy Award for heaven's sake like that famous actor in that
Spider Woman movie... or Tom Hanks in that other thing that I didn't
particularly care for...but don't waste it on a bit part!

(A car drives up out front and LATRELLE runs over and looks out
the door.)

LATRELLE. That's LaVonda! I can't believe the way she

dresses. In public! Now you are gonna back me on this mink stole
thing, aren't you?
SISSY. Well, um...
LATRELLE. (re: LAVONDA.) Struttin' like banty rooster.

(LATRELLE moves away from the door as LA VONDA DUPREE,

LATRELLE's baby sister, the worldly one, late 40's, sashays in,
wearing a bright yellow peasant blouse, off the shoulders, tight
jeans, smoking a cigarette.)

LATRELLE. Well?!
LA VONDA. Well, what, Latrelle? Oh hello, Sissy, how' re
you, shug?

(They hug.)

SISSY. I'm fine.

(SISSY stares at LAVONDA :S cigarette.)

22 SORDID LIVES

LA VONDA. Look at all this food.

(She goes over and starts exploring and picking.)

LATRELLE. Where's the stole, LaVonda?

LA VONDA. On Mama, where it belongs!
LATRELLE. You 're just doin' this out of spite, LaVonda Jean!
Mama's gonna look like a fool wearin' a mink stole in this heat.
We'll be the laughing stock in town.
LA VONDA. Unfortunately, we already are.
SISSY. Noleta brought by a tuna casserole. I refrigerated it.
She was real worried this was gonna affect y'all's friendship. She
kicked G.W. out. I give her a Valium.
LA VONDA. That's sweet.
LATRELLE. So, it's true?
LA VONDA. Of course it's true. There's a police record on it
and everything. Why wouldn't you think it was true? (Then to
SISSY.) This ain't gonna affect our friendship.
SISSY. I told 'er that. But you oughta go by and see her. She's
real upset.
LATRELLE. I just can't believe it. Did they arrest G.W.?

(LA VONDA crosses to the couch, sits and eats her food, while
smoking.)

LA VONDA. For what? Leavin' two wooden legs in the

wrong place? No, they just had to investigate, you know, given the
circumstances. I read the coroner's report. Mama hit her head on
the sink and the blow caused her brain to be flooded with blood
and she internally hemorrhaged to death.
SISSY. Bless her heart.
LATRELLE. (Gasps.) Oh ...
 SORDID LIVES 23

(LATRELLE sits on the chair by the couch and cries.)

LA VONDA. They say she never suffered.

(SISSY crosses and joins LA VONDA on the couch.)

SISSY. Well, I just think that Sister just felt so cooped up all
those years with your Daddy. You know how he was. She just, you
know, had needs.
LATRELLE. Needs?
LA VONDA. Yes, needs, Latrelle. Some of us have needs. It
runs in this family. Although, I'm quite convinced it musta skipped
a gene or something when you was born.
LATRELLE. I have needs too, I'll have you know. I just don 't
make them public. My needs are kept in the privacy of my own
bedroom!
SISSY. Well, I don't recall any of mine being made in a pub-
lic place, Latrelle.
LAVONDA. (Suggestively.) Unfortunately, I can't say the
same.
SISSY. (Laughing.) Oh, you are awful.
LA VONDA. Guilty.

(SISSY'S cigarette cough returns as they share a laugh.)

LATRELLE. Our one and only Mama has died by tripping

over two wooden legs and hitting her head on the sink of a seedy
motel room where she was committing adultery! And you all are
laughing! Well, I don't think it's funny!
SISSY. Oh, Latrelle ...
LATRELLE. No! (Rises.) Just leave me alone! I thought you
were gonna back me on this!
24 SORDID LIVES

SISSY. I'm sorry, hon. But, you know, I believe that all these
decisions should be made by Sister's kids. I just decided that. Just
decided it right this very minute on the spot.
LATRELLE. Fine. Well, since, I'm the oldest, then I should be
in charge and I should make all major decisions.
LA VONDA. Bullshit! We should all get an equal vote. Sissy
you should get a vote too. You've always been more like a sister
than an aunt to us.
SISSY. I don't really want a vote.
LA VONDA. And Brother Boy should vote too. Of course, it's
hard to vote when you're locked up in a looney bin.
SISSY. Cain't argue with that.
LATRELLE. Would you stop?! I have enough on my mind
without you bringing up Brother Boy.
SISSY. Brother Boy thought he was Tammy Wynette the last
time I seen him. About a year ago.
LA VONDA. Before that it was Loretta.
SISSY. Didn't he do Kitty Wells too way back when?
LA VONDA. Oh, God, I'd forgotten that. "It Wasn't God Who
Made Honky Tonk Angels." Umm, mm, mmm. That's a good song.
Someone oughta re-do that 'un. I believe Trisha Yearwood could
just sing the shit outta that one.
LATRELLE. Do you eat with that mouth too?
LA VONDA. Mostly.

(LA VONDA takes a big bite offried chicken.)

SISSY. Loretta was always my favorite, though. I swear in that

get-up, and that big ol' white gown, Brother Boy was her spittin'
image.
LA VONDA. Sissy Spacek couldn't hold a candle to Brother
Boy's Loretta.
 SORDID LIVES 25

SISSY. No, she could not. When he pretended to sing along to

her records, you almost forgot. Lord, he could tear up, "You Ain't
Woman Enough To Take My Man!"
LATRELLE. Who cares!
LA VONDA. Me and Sissy.
LATRELLE. Why?!
LA VONDA. 'Cause he's my baby brother, Latrelle. And I
want to get him out.
LATRELLE and SISSY. Out!?
LATRELLE. Did you say out!?
LA VONDA. Yes, out. I called the institution this mornin' .
LATRELLE. You what?
SISSY. (Overlap.) You called 'em?
LA VONDA. Called 'em. He needs to know about Mama. And
they said now that Mama's dead, you and me are responsible. And
if we sign the proper papers, we can get Brother Boy out. He can
live with me. I just thank he should be here for his own Mama's
funeral.
SISSY. I think LaVonda may be right.
LATRELLE. Well I don't! We can't have Brother Boy at the
funeral. He'd be a spectacle. Mama's death is enough of an embar-
rassment without having Brother Boy at the funeral. Besides, in
case you're forgetting, LaVonda-he's crazy!
LA VONDA. Brother Boy is not crazy!
LATRELLE. (Points to head.) There's something wrong with
him up here and you know it!
SISSY. I'm not sure what's wrong with him is up there.
(LA VONDA lights another cigarette. SISSY watches her every
drag.)
LA VONDA. The only thing wrong with him- if it's wrong-
is he likes to dress up like a woman.
26 SORDID LIVES

LATRELLE. That's wrong!

LA VONDA. According to who, Latrelle?!
LATRELLE. According to the Bible! According to God!
SISSY. (Rises.) Off and runnin'.
LA VONDA. You mean to tell me that there's a scripture that
says, "Men shalt not dress up in women's clothes?"
SISSY. Y'all...
LA VONDA. Maybe you're the crazy one, Latrelle.
SISSY. LaVonda!

(SISSY throws her hands up and exits to the kitchen.)

LATRELLE. Hey, I'm not the one who wants to bury a woman
in a mink stole in the middle of a heatwave!
LA VONDA. Mama loved that stole, Latrelle.
LATRELLE. Yes, but she had the good fashion sense not to
wear it in the summertime! (Calling out.) Sissy, say something! I
thought you were on my side!

(SISSY charges onstage.)

SISSY. I'm not on anybody's side! I don't care, quite frankly!

I am trying to quit smokin'! !! And the two of you are gettin' on my
nerves. And my arm hurts. (Emotional.) It don't matter if Sister
wears that stole 'cause she's dead and will be buried shortly and
ever 'body' ll forget about it in no time flat anyway! It don't matter!
So, hush up! Both ofya!
LA VONDA. (Long pause.) You know why she don't want
Mama buried in that stole?
SISSY. No, I don't.

(SISSY exits in defeat.)

 SORDID LIVES 27

LA VONDA. (Calling.) 'Cause it's an antique and it's valu-

able. And that stole is in real good shape.
LATRELLE. Oh please!
LA VONDA. Don't try to deny it, Latrelle, although that's
your speciality if I'm not mistaken. Denial!
LATRELLE. What are you talking about denial? Denial about
what?
LA VONDA. About everything! About how Mama died, about
why you want to keep Brother Boy cooped up like some damn animal.
LATRELLE. And why is that, pray tell?
LA VONDA. (Takes a drag, then.) Nevermind.
LATRELLE. No, I want to hear this!
LA VONDA. Look, all I'm sayin' is that, well, you know how
close me and Ty are-
LATRELLE. Don't you dare bring my son into this sordid pic-
ture. What does my son have to do with this?!
LA VONDA. I'm just saying that Ty has more in common
with Brother Boy than you're willin' to admit!
SISSY (Re-enters.) Oh Lord.
LA VONDA. And I think you blame Brother Boy for the way
Ty is.
LATRELLE. Ty isn't anything, so you just shut your mouth
about my son, LaVonda!
LA VONDA. I went up to New York to see a play he was in.
LATRELLE. What?!
LA VONDA. I went up to New York to see "Staccato."
Openin' night. And he was real good. Sissy, the play was spec-
tacular...very senchus with a powerful message. And I went out
afterward with Ty and the all male cast. And we went to an all male
bar. And that's when he told me that-
LATRELLE. (Angry emotion.) My son is NOT a homosexu-
al!!!! So you just shut up! Shut the hell up 'cause I do not want to
28 SORDID LIVES

hear this!
LA VONDA. You're in denial, Latrelle.
LATRELLE. I am not in denial!!! Quit sayin' I'm in denial!!!
I am not in denial!!!!
LA VONDA. (Overlap.) Okay, I'll quit sayin' it, but it ain't
gonna change the truth. And the truth is-
LATRELLE. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH,
LA VONDA!!!! Did you ever think that I don't want to know the
truth?

(Silence. A stand-off LATREUE then bursts into tears and sinks on the
couch Lights start to dim. SISSY walks towmrls LATREUE, consid-
ers comforting her, then changes her mind, grabs LA VONDA s cig-
arettes and walks over to the door. She takes one, lights it and takes
a long drag, staring hard at LA VONDA.)

LA VONDA. (Mutters.) Sh ...

(LA VONDA stares at SISSY, then back at LATRELLE. The anger

drains from her face and she walks over to her sister, sits next
to her, puts her arm around her and cradles her. Her face fills
with emotion as LATRELLE buries her head on LA VONDA s
shoulder and sobs.)

LA VONDA. (cont.) Shh. It's okay. It's okay. I'm sorry. Shh.

(Lights fade to Black, except for a special around SISSY at the

doorway.)

SISSY. (Distant.) I'da never quit smokin' ifl'd known Sister

was gonna die.
 SORDID LIVES 29

(Lights Dim to Blackout, leaving only the glow of SISSY's ciga-

rette.)

END OF CHAPTER ONE

 SORDID LIVES 91

CHAPTER TWO

Two Wooden Legs

(A guitar strums in the darkness. A spotlight hits BITSY MAE who

is standing in the theatre aisle, leaning against the wall.
[Note: While BITSY sings, onstage the cast and crew strike the
set and set up the next one].)

BITSY. (Slow and sad.)

"O they tell me of a home far beyond the skies,
0 they tell me of a home far away;
0 they tell me of a home where no storm-clouds rise,
0 they tell me of an uncloudy day.
0 the land of cloudless day,
0 the land of an uncloudy day;
0 they tell me of a home where no storm-clouds rise,
0 they tell me of an uncloudy day.

0 they tell me that He smiles on His children there,

And His smile drives their sorrow all away;
And they tell me that no tears ever come again,
In that lovely land of uncloudy day.

0 the land of cloudless day,

0 the land of an uncloudy day;
0 they tell me of a home where no storm-clouds rise,
0 they tell me of an uncloudy day.

(Key change, dramatic and soulful)

92 SORDID LIVES

0 the land of cloudless day,

0 the land of an uncloudy day;
0 they tell me of a home where no storm-clouds rise,
0 they tell me of an uncloudy day."

(The spotlight fades. BITSY exits. Lights come up on TY, sitting in

his chair downstage center talking to his therapist again.)

TY. When I was a kid, I was fat. A fat boy. Waddlebutt. That's
what the other kids called me. I wish they could see my ass today.
I've worked really hard on my ass. (Realizes.) Anyway. One year
- I think I was in fifth grade - my Mama took me shopping for
school clothes and I had gotten fatter and I had to try on jeans and
the only ones that would fit were the "Husky" ones. And they had
this label on the back that said, "Husky!" Kinda announced to
everyone behind you that you were a "Husky!" And I started cry-
ing. Because I didn't want the other kids to know I was a "Husky."
So, my Mama sat me down right there in the store, hugged me and
told me that no one ever had to know. Just me and her. Our little
secret. And she bought me those "Husky" jeans, took them home.
Went to the Goodwill and bought some used jeans, took the labels
off the "Husky" ones and she sewed on "Slim" labels from the
Goodwill ones. "Slim." Shit. Like I could pull that off. (Laughs,
then mood change.) But that's the kind of mama she was. She
never made me feel bad about being fat. Always made it okay. And
I've always thought that was unconditional love and maybe if I
told her I was gay it'd, you know, apply. But there's this other
thought that keeps running through my head - that she'd try and
change the labels. You know, instead of from "Husky" to "Slim",
from gay to straight, so no one would know. I mean, I tried to do
that for years.
 SORDID LIVES 93

(Lights dim to Blackout as a country song plays loudly. LIGHTS

come up to reveal G W NETHER COTT, late 40 s, rugged, a
mans man, standing in despair by the jukebox in Bubba s Beer
Joint. Ty s chair is moved and is sitting at a round bar table,
downstage center, where ODELL OWENS, 40's, pe,forms
string tricks like Jacobs ladder, cats cradle, cup 'n saucer etc.
singing along to the song. His brothe1; WARDELL "BUBBA"
OWENS, late 40 s, the proprietor here, wipes down the bar,
also singing. There are two bar stools in front of the bar, one
is occupied by JUANITA BARTLETT, this bars fly, always
drunk, 50, 60? Hard to tell. The song ends, G W crosses to the
table.)

ODELL. That'sa good un'.

WARDELL. Real good.
G.W. Not since Nam. No, sir. Not since Nam. Shit.

(He joins ODELL at the table as JUANITA takes her beer, crosses
over to the jukebox and studies the song selection.)

JUANITA. I wonder whatever happened to ol' Lynn Anderson?

(WARDELL crosses, handing G W afresh beer.)

WARDELL. I don't know, Juanita. Here ya go, G.W.

(WARDELL pats G W on the back.)

G.W. I just can't get'er offa my mind, Wardell.

WARDELL. Well, that's some serious-ass shit you been
through, boy.
94 SORDID LIVES

G. W. I'm in agony.
WARDELL. I can tell.
G.W. I'm in hell. I remember it so vividly. We met at the
Bonanza over in Abilene, had us a nice steak supper, then she fol-
lowed me back to the motel and...
JUANITA. Lynn Anderson had such pretty blonde hair. Just
like golden silk.
ODELL. (Showing his latest string accomplishment.) Jacob's
ladder. (Takes a piece ofstring with his mouth and pulls.) Witch's
hat. You do Jacob's ladder, then witch's hat. Two tricks in one.
Well, one trick. Then another by just pullin' the string with ya
teeth. Ain't that neat.
G.W. You have too much time on your hands, Odell.

(JUANITA has wandered over, stands behind ODELL and evalu-

ates the string.)

JUANITA. Idn't that somethin'.

ODELL. (Starts another trick.) You know what I can't get offa
my mind?
WARDELL. Oh boy, here we go again.
ODELL. I can't get that pig bloatin' incident offa my mind.
G.W. What?
WARDELL. G.W., please. If I have to hear about that god-
damn pig one more time, I think I'll just shit!
ODELL. It all happened over at the Tyler County Fair.
WARDELL. Well, now'sjust as good a time as any. (He grabs
a newspaper from the bar and exits to the bathroom.) Y'all keep an
eye on the place.
ODELL. Sure thang, Bubba.
JUANITA. (Leans over: to G W) Was your steak tender? The
one you ate that night Peggy died?
 SORDID LIVES 95

(G W just looks at her, shakes his head.)

ODELL. See, I go down to Tyler ever' year for the County

Fair. (Showing another string trick.) Broom. I just love all the ani-
mals and the displays ofmacrame and the cookin' competition and
all. 'Sides it gives me a chance to see me and Wardell's sister.
JUANITA. I onced made a rooster outta beans and lentils
when I was a girl. At Vacation Bible School. It was almost life-like.
G.W. I see. (Back to ODELL.) How is ol' Mozelle?
ODELL. Oh, she's fine.
G.W. You know, me and Mozelle - we had us some good
times once upon a time.
ODELL. You know her and Darrel have had a buncha marital
problems. He beat her up a few times, but after me and Wardell
went over there and showed him what a good ass-whoopin' was all
about, he's been a perfect husband and father ever since. You know
how Bubba feels about his little sister. (Showing another string
trick.) Teepee.
JUANITA. Mama hung ol' Cockadoodle up in the kitchen -
that's what I called 'im - Cockadoodle - but the bowl weevils
started eatin' them beans ... (Gets emotional.). ..and that was all she
wrote.
G.W. (A glance to JUANITA.) Amazing. (Back to ODELL.)
Well, I never thought that Darrel Koontz never was worth a good
goddamn anyhow. Any man who beats a woman is no man at all.
ODELL. He's in group therapy for abusive husbands now. A
buncha wife beaters gets together once a week with this specialist
in wife beatin' and they purge. Some of 'em are dead-beat dads too.
There used to be two groups, one for wife beaters and one for
dead-beat dads, but so many crossed over from one group to the
next, that they merged. (Thinks.) Hey, they merged and they
purged.
96 SORDID LIVES

G.W. Purged?
ODELL. Uh-huh. That's when you all kinda spew forth your
story and then you feel better after'n you spew forth. Darrel says it
works. Hadn't laid a hand on Mozelle since he started purgin' . Said
it disgusts him now. 'Course I think that whoopin' mighta had
somethin' to do with it.
JUANITA. I've seen bowl weevils in flour... and oatmeal... and
paprika, but never on a rooster you made in Vacation Bible School.
G.W. Well, I probably shoulda married Mozelle instead of
Noleta, then maybe I wouldn't been compelled to fool around and
Peggy woulda still been alive. Life is a big of pile of shit, Odell.
ODELL. You know, G.W., no offense, but you're startin' to get
on my nerves. I mean, get off the cross, buddy - we need the
wood! (Pause.) That was a joke, G.W. You know, to lift your spir-
its.

(G W just glares at him as JUANITA and ODELL laugh.)

G.W. Uh-huh. Well you of all people have a lot of gall to say
that I'm gettin' on your nerves when you stay on ever'body's
nerves about 99.9 percent of the goddamn time!
JUANITA. (Claps her hands.) Boys, boys.
ODELL. I'll have you know, a lotta people find me to be a
very interesting person.
G.W. Who?
ODELL. Vera Lisso over at the Piggly Wiggly.
G.W. Bullshit.
ODELL. Why when I told her my pig story, she was absolutely
riveted!
G.W. That's 'cause she can't get up!!
ODELL. (Turns away.) You've done gone and hurt my feel-
ings now. (He pouts.)
 SORDID LIVES 97

JUANITA. (Pats ODELL on the back.) My mama sure hurt

my feelings when she threw out ol' Cockadoodle.
G.W. Okay, Odell, I'm sorry. Go ahead, tell me your pig story.
ODELL. Nuh-uh. Ain't gonna tell it.
G W. Oh, come on.
ODELL. I'm gonna save it for someone who really wants to
hear it.
G W. Just tell it. Don't be a baby.
ODELL. Nope. Ain't gonna do it.
G. W. Alright, fine, suit yourself. I don't give a shit.
ODELL. (Pause.) It all happened at the swine weigh-in.

(JUANITA crosses to the bar, goes behind it, helps herselfto afresh
bee,; listens.)

G W. The swine weigh-in?

ODELL. You know where they weigh the hogs to make sure
they qualify for the competition. They have to meet these Future
Farmer's of America guidelines, you know.
GW. Ah ha.
ODELL. Well, this one kid was told that his pig was a few
pounds light and wouldn't get to compete unless it gained a few
pounds right quick like.
G.W. lTh-huh.
ODELL. (Finishes another string trick.) Cup-in-saucer.
Pocketbook. Two tricks in one. Didn't even use my teeth. Ain't that
neat.
G.W. (Angrily grabs the string, wads it up and throws it on the
floor.) What happened to the pig, Odell?
JUANITA. The other white meat.
ODELL. I'm gettin' to that, G W. (He takes another string out of
his pocket.) Well, as I rounded the comer to where they was all lined
98 SORDID LIVES

up for the porta potty, that's when I witnessed the whole shebang.
JUANITA. And I strongly believe that Mama just didn't like
ol' Cockadoodle and made up that bowl weevil shit 'cause I sure
the hell never saw no goddamn bugs!
G.W. I'm in hell.

(JUANITA rounds the bar, sits on one of the stools, takes out her
compact, checks her make-up.)

ODELL. And that lcid and a bunch of his buddies. They all
looked like juvenile delinquents to me. They was holding that pig
down while they was sticking a garden hose and pushin' water
down that poor ol' pig's throat. Well, I yelled out, "Hey what you
boys doin' to that pig?" And the biggest one said, "Don't you never
mind. This here's my pig. Just go drain ya pipe." Told me to go
drain my pipe. Well, about that time - (Chokes up again.) I'm
sorry, but the vision - it haunts me, G.W.
WARDELL. (Re-enters.) You mean to tell me, you ain't fin-
ished?

(JUANITA fishes for a tube of lipstick in her purse, pulls it out, and
while never taking her cigarette out of her mouth. masterfully
moves it from one side to the other as she re-applies.)

ODELL. I got sidetracked.

WARDELL. Naw!
ODELL. Shut up, Wardell.
WARDELL. Don't you tell me to shut up or I'll whoop your
ass!
ODELL. Go to hell, Wardell!
WARDELL. Lead the way!
 SORDID LIVES 99

JUANITA. Hey! Do y'all thank I'm perty?

ODELL. (Back to G W) So, I started to go on my way and just
forget about the whole thang when that poor ol' pig fell over, start-
ed wallerin' around and convulsin', then... (Close to tears.) .. .it just
lay down and...and -
WARDELL. Died. The damn pig died! Kaput! Done! Finished!
End of story. Next!
ODELL. Didn't even get to compete in the fair.
WARDELL. Yeah, well that's a damn shame. But I guess now
that life can go on, huh, G.W.?
G.W. Except for the pig's. (Starts laughing.)
WARDELL. (Joins in.) Except for the pig's.
JUANITA. (Joins in.) That's a good 'un. Shit!
ODELL. Well, it ain't funny!
WARDELL. Oh, yeah it is. That's the first time G.W.'s
laughed since Peggy died.

(G W suddenly stops laughing and begins to cry.)

G.W. Shit...shit...
ODELL. (Pats G W on the shoulde1'.) It's okay, buddy. I know
how you feel, G. W. I still have nightmares over that pig myself
with water spewin' out of it's nose and snout -
G.W. (Exploding.) I don't give a shit about that filthy, dirty,
slop-eating, mud-wallerin' pig, Odell! I have killed a woman by
irresponsibly leaving these legs in the middle of the motel room
after we made long passionate love.
WARDELL. Oh my Lord.
G.W. And I haven't killed a person since Nam. And I didn't
love any of them slant-eyed gooks. And killin' them has haunted
me for years. So how am I s'pose to go on after killin' someone I
100 SORDID LIVES

love? Huh? You'll get over that pig, Odell. I ain't ever gonna get
over killin' Peggy.
WARDELL. G W., go easy on yourself, buddy. She tripped on
your legs on her way to the bathroom. It's not your fault. It was an
accident. Coulda happened to anyone.
ODELL. Anyone with two wooden legs, you mean.
WARDELL. Shut up, Odell.
ODELL. Go to hell, Wardell.
WARDELL. Lead the way!!!
WANITA. (Suddenly ang,y.) Mama was a goddamn liar!
WARDELL. (Irritated.) Juanita, you're gonna have to let that
go.
ODELL. I'll tell you another thing I can't get offa my mind -
WARDELL. Oh, shit.
ODELL. That Ebola virus...
WARDELL. I swear to Christ, if you go into that one again,
I'll beat you half to death.
ODELL. It all started in Zaire -

(NOLETA and LA VONDA storm in. They are both drunk and
NOLETA brandishes a pistol, while LA VONDA is waving a
shotgun. They have obviously given each other make-overs
and wear sunglasses.)

NOLETA. Put your hands over your heads and don't make any
sudden moves!
LA VONDA. (Overlap.) Now! Move it!
WARDELL. Shit..!

(ODELL quickly throws his hands over his head, G W and

WARDELL just stare at the women for a moment. JUANITA is
unfazed.)
 SORDID LIVES 101

G.W. What the hell do you think you're doin', woman?

NOLETA. We just watched "Thelma and Louise" and we're
pissed.
LA VONDA. At men.
NOLETA. All men! Especially the three of y'all. Hey, Juanita.
JUANITA. Hey shug, how ya doin'?
ODELL. Why are you pissed at me? What did I ever do?
NOLETA. You live and breath, Odell, so just shut up and quit
askin' questions. We'll ask the questions, okay?!
ODELL. Okay.
NOLETA. You make me sick, G.W. Just looking at ya makes
me wanna kill ya dead!
G.W. C'mon. Noleta -
NOLETA. It's Thelma!
LA VONDA. I thought I was Thelma.
NOLETA. No, Thelma's the one with the shitty husband. Hey,
I said hands up, G.W.! You too, Wardell. Now!!! I mean it.
WARDELL. Okay, okay.
LA VONDA. Why, hello, Wardell.
WARDELL. Hey, LaVonda. You're lookin' good.
LA VONDA. Yeah, well, I work at it. So, you and your nit-wit
brother over there beat up any queers lately?
ODELL. Hey! I ain't no nit-wit.
LA VONDA. LIAR!!!
G. W. Y'all are drunk.
NOLETA. No shit. And I'm on Valium too. You have no idea
how much I hate your stinkin' guts right now G.W.
G.W. Noleta, come on, we can talk about this -
NOLETA. (Smacks him up side the head.) Shut up!
GW. Ow!
WARDELL. LaVonda. you know I've always felt real bad
102 SORDID LIVES

over that incident with Brother Boy.

LA VONDA. You feel bad, huh? He feels bad.
JUANITA. Bad.
LA VONDA. You feel bad and he's rottin' in a crazy farm
because of you! Big deal, Wardell! It's time to get even!
WARDELL. But that happened over twenty years ago.
LA VONDA. I don't want to hear it, Wardell, so just shut the
hell the up! (She pumps the shotgun.) And I mean it!
WARDELL. Okay, okay, just don't shoot.
ODELL. I don't like this.
G.W. (Laughs, to WARDELL.) I don't know why you're over
there peein' in your Wranglers. Them guns ain't loaded and even if
they was, they wouldn't have the gumption to shoot.
NOLETA. Wanna bet!? (She shoots across the room and some
bull horns fall from the wall.) Whooeee! In the words ofThelma, I
thank I've got a knack for this shit.
LA VONDA. You sure do. Nice shot, Thelma.
NOLETA. Thanks, Louise, but I was aimin' for his head.

(JUANITA goes over and kicks the bull horns.)

JUANITA. There goes the neighborhood.

G.W. Noleta, now come on -
NOLETA. It's THELMA, you shithead! ! !
G.W. Okay, okay, Thelma, then. Look, I know I messed up, but
you gotta know that I wasn't exactly gettin' what a man needs at
home.
NOLETA. What?!!
LA VONDA. Uh-ob.
JUANITA. Ouch.
NOLETA. I hope you ain't gonna try and justify your actions,
G.W.,'cause buddy boy, you ain't got a leg to stand on.
 SORDID LIVES 103

LA VONDA. Except them wooden ones.

JUANITA. Oh, that's a good'un.

(They both laugh.)

NOLETA. Except them wooden ones. That is funny. (Laughs.)

G.W. Goddamn! This is worse than Nam.
NOLETA. Hey, Wardell! Get me a shooter! 'Cause I'm startin'
to get happy here and we cain't let that happen.
WARDELL. God forbid. (Pours shooter.)
LA VONDA. Get me one too, Wardell.
JUANITA. While you're at it, Wardell -

(WARDELL pours two more.)

G.W. For God's sake, woman, c'mon -

NOLETA. Shut up! Until I say otherwise! 'Cause I have
somethin I gotta say.

(She crosses to bar, she and LA VONDA clink glasses, then down
shooters. JUANITA wanders over and downs hers.)

NOLETA. (To WARDELL.) Thank you.

JUANITA. That hit the spot.
NOLETA. (Back to G W) Why'd you do it? (G W starts to say
something.) Don't answer that! Just think about it. Do you know
what it means to be humiliated, G. W.? Don't answer that! Just
think about it. Well, I do. I can't even go out in my own hometown
now because everyone knows. Everybody pointin' and whisperin'.
"There she is." "Poor pitiful thang." "Bless her heart." God! White
trash even feel sorry for me!
JUANITA. That's true. That is very very true.
104 SORDID LIVES

NOLETA. Everyone knows that you were carrying on with

my best friend's mother. That coulda ruined me and LaVonda's
friendship, you know. Did you think of that? Don't answer that!
Just think about it. But it didn't. And you wanna know why?
Because we're big enough not to let it.
G W. (Mumbles.) You got that right.
LA VONDA. Oooh - he sbouldn 'ta said that.
JUANITA. No, ma'am. He should have not.
NOLETA. What'd you say?!
G.W. I said y'all're certainly big enough. Why do you think I
did it, huh? You got as big as a barn and who the hell wants to
climb that mountain?
NOLETA. That's it! Take off your shirt!
GW. What?
NOLETA. I said, take off your shirt!! NOW!!! (She puts the
pistol right to G W. s head.)
G.W. Jesus! Okay, okay. (He gets up and starts taking off his
shirt.)
JUANITA. This is gettin' good.
LA VONDA. (Waving the shotgun at ODELL and
WARDELL.) You too, boys. Take off ya shirts.
WARDELL. (Starts to take his off.) What're y'all doin'?
LA VONDA. Getting even! Odell!? What the hell you waitin'
for? Christmas?!
ODELL. Okay, okay. (He starts taking off his shirt.)
G.W. This is ridiculous.
NOLETA. Ridiculous? I'll tell you what's ridiculous. It's
ridiculous for you to bitch about my weight when you look like
you're six months pregnant. (She pokes his stomach with the pis-
tol.) Look at that gut, LaVonda.
LA VONDA. (Evaluates.) Lord! It's time to butcher that hog!
 SORDID LIVES 105

TTJANITA. Suckin' in too.

NOLETA. I raised your kids, G. W. I stayed as faithful as the
day was long. Cooked ya supper ever' night. And you just shit all
over our weddin' vows. Just shit all over'em. (To LA VONDA.) I
tried to lose weight. I went to Jenny Craig's and lost twenty-two
pounds. (Smacks and screams at ODELL.) Twenty-two goddamn
pounds! And he never even noticed. Never said one word.
GW. Yeah, well, that'd be kinda like the Titanic losin' a coupla
deck chairs.
LA VONDA. You realJy are a shit, G.W. I wonder what my
Mama saw in your sorry ass, anyway?
NOLETA. Off with your pants, G.W.
G.W. Wha.. .I ain't gonna-
NOLETA. TAKE OFF YOUR GODDAMN PANTS, ASS-
HOLE!!!

(She fires the gun. A piece of ceiling comes crashing down.

JUANITA laughs.)

TTJANITA. I'd take'em offifl was you.

G.W. (Taking them off) Jesus ... God... damn ...shit... ! !
LA VONDA. You too, boys. Quit ya grinnin' and drop ya
linen.
WARDELL. Oh, man. What did I do to deserve this?
LA VONDA. You ruined my brother's life, Wardell. Along
with your nitwit brother there. So, take 'em off!!!

(The brothers start taking off their pants.)

ODELL. I don't much appreciate you callin' me a nitwit.

TTJANITA. How about half-wit?
ODELL. I don't like that either.
106 SORDID LIVES

G.W. (Throws pants on the floor.) There! Are ya satisfied?

NOLETA. You ain't satisfied me in years.
LA VONDA. I loved you, Wardell, but you had to ruin it all
by beating the shit outta Brother Boy.
WARDELL. I beat the shit outta him because you said he was
in love with me.
LA VONDA. You know what Marna said the day the sheriff
brought Brother Boy home all beat to a bloody pulp? (Waving gun
at ODELL.) Huh? Do you?!
ODELL. (Scared shitless.) No, I don't!
LA VONDA. She said, "Well, that just proves my point. He
just can't live in regular society like a normal human bein'. It's too
dangerous." (Emotional.) And the very next day, her and Daddy
drove him over to Big Springs and signed the papers for him to rot
in that crazy farm. (Drops emotion, intense anger.) And I will never
forgive you for that, Wardell! And I'll never forgive myself for
tellin' you he was in love with you. You ruined his life, Wardell!
WARDELL. You think I don't think about that ever' day ofmy
life? Huh? I thought the world and all of Brother Boy. Loved him
like my very own brother. Hell, more than this idiot. (Indicates
ODELL.)
ODELL. You loved that queer more than me?
WARDELL. Brother Boy was my first friend. My best friend.
And when he turned queer, it liked to killed me. I just felt so
betrayed. But I never meant to hurt him, Vonie. I just lost it when
you told me that. I flipped out.
ODELL. I flipped out too!
WARDELL. I'm sorry, LaVonda. But can I please get dressed?
I mean, what if someone walked in? This is a place of business for
cryin' out loud.
 SORDID LIVES 107

(He starts to put on his pants. LA VONDA snatches them with the
shotgun barrel and flings them across the bar.)

LA VONDA. Tough titty!

JUANITA. Said the kitty.
NOLETA. Hey Louise, you wanna take the pictures or hold
the gun?
G.W. Pictures?
LAVONDA. I guess I'll hold the gun. (Stares at WARDELL'S
crotch.) Since mine's bigger.
NOLETA. Okay.

(She starts digging around in her purse, pulls out a black lacy bra
and throws it at G W)

NOLETA. Here, titty man. Put this on.

G.W. (Catching it.) What?! I ain't puttin' on...You can't be
serious -

([Link] her pistol in the air.)

G.W. Damn...
WARDELL. (Overlap.) Shit...
ODELL. (Overlap.) Ahhhh! ! !
JUANITA. She seems perty serious to me.
WARDELL. Just put on the brassiere, G.W.!
G.W. Fine. Fine! (Glaring at NOLETA as he puts it on.) You
are one mean-ass bitch!
NOLETA. You're just lucky I ain't Latin and got a butcher
knife.
G.W. (Struggling with hooking bra.) Shit...
LA VONDA. Help 'im with the hooks, Wardell. I know you
108 SORDID LIVES

know bow to do that. At least you know how to undo 'em. (Cattle
prodding him with shotgun over to G W) Quit pussy footin'
around! N ow c'mon! Hook'em!
WARDELL. (Hooking up G W) Okay, okay... shit!
JUANITA. Good fit.
ODELL. (Laughing.) You oughta see yourself, G.W. Damn...
(Laughs more.) Thank God I don't have a mean-ass bitch wife too.
JUANITA. These boys just don't learn.
NOLETA. (Turning.) What did you say?
ODELL. I take it back!
NOLETA. Too late! Sit your ass down.

(She pushes him in a chair, then starts digging through her bag and
pulls out some earrings and a turban and hands them to
LA VONDA, then pulls out a handful of makeup.)

NOLETA. (To LA VONDA, indicating WARDELL.) These are

for him.

(She hands her pistol to LA VONDA, so she can make-over

ODELL.)

ODELL. Please! LaVonda, I'm sorry about that Brother Boy

incident. Wardell made me -
LA VONDA. Hush up, Pauline Pitiful.
NOLETA. (To ODELL.) Pucker up.
(He does. She smears lipstick on his lips.)
LA VONDA. (Hands earrings to WARDELL.) Here, put these earrings
on.
WARDELL. This ain't right, LaVonda.
 SORDID LIVES 109

NOLETA. (To ODELL.) Okay, go like this. (She presses her

lips togethe,-, then smacks, ODELL complies.) Nice. That's Misty
Rose from Avon. Just in case you like it, you'll know.
WANITA. Good color on him.
NOLETA. (As she paints ODELL'S eyebrows, laughing, mum­
bles.) Pauline Pitiful. (To LA VONDA.) That's funny.
LA VONDA. (Evaluating WARDELL'S earrings.) What'daya
think, T helma?
NOLETA. Oh yeah, nice. Turban.
WANITA. (Laughs.) You girls crack me up.
LA VONDA. (Hands the turban to WARDELL.) Put this on.
(Spots G W. s wooden legs across the bar, crosses, stalking
him.) So, those legs are the culprits that killed my Mama. (She
bangs the legs with the shotgun.)
G W. Hey, I'm a veteran, goddamnit!
LA VOND A. (Re: turban.) Oh, tum that around, Wardell. The
jewel goes in front.
WARDELL. Oh. (He complies.)
WANITA. Much, much better.

(NOLETA finishes ODELL by clipping a poofy red flower in his

hai1: She turns the severely paintedface towards LA VONDA.)

NOLETA. What'daya, think, Louise?

LA VONDA. (Evaluates.) That is one ugly bitch!
NOLETA. Okay. Odell, go sit over there. (Points to a bar
stool.) Wardell come on outta there and sit on this bar stool.
(WARDELL complies.) It's time for a group picture.
(She pulls out a Polaroid camera from her bag.)

G.W. I'm beggin' you, baby.

110 SORDID LIVES

NOLETA. Save it for someone who gives a shit! Now get on

over there with your boyfriends and give 'em a group hug. Come
on! Now! Before I make ya do somethin' even more humiliatin'.
I'm starting to get pissed again!

(G W takes his place between the brothers. NOLETA snaps a picture,

pulls it out and hands it to JUANITA, who starts shaking it.)
LA VONDA. (Waving the gun.) Y'all can do better than that!
Put ya arms around each other. Act like you love one another.
(They comply.)

NOLETA. (Snapping another picture, hands it to JUANITA.)

Now, G W., look in Wardell 's eyes longingly like you did with that
tramp you cheated on me with.
LA VONDA. Hey, that was my mama!
NOLETA. Sorry. Do it, G. W.! (He makes a feeble attempt, she
snaps a picture and hands it to JUANITA.) Now say, "I love you,
Wardell!"
G.W. Ain't no way -

(LA VONDA fires the pistol.)

G.W. (Quickly.) I love you, Wardell!

NOLETA. That's more like it.
JUANITA. (Staring at the pictures "developing".) Oh, these
are looking good.
LA VONDA. They sure are.
G.W. Shit. Are we done yet?
NOLETA. Almost. Just as soon as you reach over and kiss
Odell. On the mouth!
G.W. Okay, that's it!
 SORDID LIVES 111

(He crosses to LA VONDA, grabs the gun and sticks it to his head,
LA VONDA still holding it.)

G.W. Go ahead. Shoot me! Just kill me dead right here and
now 'cause I'll be goddamn ifl'rn gonna kiss Odell!
WARDELL. (Losing it.) Oh, shut up, G.W... and take your pun-
ishment like a man!
G. W. Like a man? Like a man? Well, that's a little hard to do,
Wardell - WHILE WEARING A BLACK BRASSIERE!!!
WANITA. That makes so much sense.
WARDELL. Yeah, well, you made your bed, so just by-gawd lay
in it! And maybe she's <loin' you a favor. Did you think about that?
Huh?!
G.W. A favor?! What the hell are you talkin' about? A favor.
WARDELL. All I'm saying is that at least she's getting even
right after it happened. I beat the shit outta my homo best friend
and sent him packing to the loony bin for the rest of his life. And I
have been livin' with that guilt for twenty some odd years now! (To
LA VONDA.) I wish you had done this sooner. Then maybe my life
woulda been better than this. (Back to G W.) So, maybe your life's
gonna be better, G.W., by wearing that perty little lacy black
brassiere. That's all I'm sayin'. What can I do, LaVonda? What can
I do to make it better? What can I do for you? What can I do for
Brother Boy? (Emotional.) Maybe I can do somethin', LaVonda.
Just tell me what I can do.
LA VONDA. (Softly.) Ain't nothin' you can do, Wardell. Not
now.

(She pats him on the back with the pistol.)

WARDELL. I am so sorry.
112 SORDID LIVES

LA VONDA. I just wish Brother Boy knew.

WARDELL. Me too.
LA VONDA. (Composing herself.) Well, I think we've done
some good here today. I feel like I been to church.
JUANITA. (Hands to heaven.) Amen! Praise Jesus!
NOLETA. (To JUANITA.) Lemme have my pictures.
(JUANITA hands them over; to LA VONDA.) You feed the jukebox.
Time for a little dancin'.
G.W. Dancin?
NOLETA. (Re: pictures.) T hese are good.
JUANITA. (Looking over NOLETA �, shoulder.) You boys are
real photogenic.
ODELL. W hat you gonna do with them pictures, T helma?
NOLETA. Sell 'em, asshole, what the hell do you think?!
ODELL. What are you gonna do with all our stuff, Louise?
LA VONDA. Burn it, Pauline! ([Link]) Oh, here's a good
'un on the jukebox..
(LA VONDA makes her selection and the music begins.)
NOLETA. G.W., you and Odell - dance. And then we'll be
gone.

(G W approaches ODELL, they stare at each other.)

G. W. Damn, shit, hell, fire! (Pause) I'll be the man.

ODELL. Lookin' like that?
(G W grabs ODELL, and starts clumsily dancing with him.)
NOLETA. (A little emotional.) He never took me dancin'. Not
once. And that hurts.
LA VONDA. Men! Okay, Wardell, ask Odell if you can cut in.
 SORDID LIVES 113

Go ahead on. It'll ease that guilt.

WARDELL. Then I'll gladly do it. (Goes over.) Odell -
ODELL. Yeah?
WARDELL. Can I cut in?
ODELL. (Quickly.) Sure thang, Wardell.

(He rushes away and sits on stool.)

GW. Shit...

(WARDELL and G W start dancing.)

LA VONDA. I had to do it, Wardell. For Brother Boy.

WARDELL. I'm glad you did. I feel better now.
G.W. Jesus H. Christ!

(The girls put on their sunglasses, NOLETA puts her arm around
LA VONDA and turns the camera towards them.)

NOLETA. Hey, Louise.

LA VONDA. Yeah, Thelma.

(She take the classic "Thelma & Louise" picture.)

NOLETA. Let's go on over to Tiny's Liquor and lstick him up.

He shortchanged me the other day.
LA VONDA. Why that son-of-a-bitch. Let's go!
JUANITA. I'll drive the get away car. Y ' all are drunk!

(.JUANITA grabs her purse and the girls all exit as lights start to
dim, leaving WARDELL and G W only in a spotlight as the
music continues. WARDELL and G W continue to dance a
couple of moments, then WARDELL lays his head on G W s
shoulder.)
114 SORDID LIVES

WARDELL. I shoulda never beat up Brother Boy.

(Blackout.)

END OF CHAPTER TWO

 CHAPTER THREE

The Dehomosexualization of Brother Boy

(A strum ofa guitar in the darkness. Then the Spotlight hits BITSY
MAE, standing onstage at her mike [like at the beginning of
the play}. TY sits in the darkness, but can be seen, very shad-
owlike from the spotlight leakage. BITSY gives the audience
an impish smile and sings:)

BITSY.
"Now when the Lord dips us in the gene pool,
We get more than Granny's green eyes.
We get our Mama's warmth,
Our Daddy's cool, (She glances at TY.)
And that thang between our thighs.
And that's the start of all these troubles
In our sordid lives.
Ain't it a bitch sortin' out our sordid lives?
It's a bitch when you come to realize
Crack yerself a box of Cracker Jack,
You could get a really shitty prize!
It's a bitch sortin' out our sorry little
sordid lives!"

53
54 SORDID LIVES

(The Spotlight fades. BITSY exits. Lights up on TY in his chair as

he continues his therapy.)

TY. My grandmother died yesterday. I don't want to go back

to the funeral. I can't be who I am down there. At least here, I can
choose to be in places where I can be who I am. Down there, I'll
have to butch it up. Oh God, I get so tired of hutching it up. Every
audition, every meeting. When I was on the soap, I'd do inter-
views, you know. Press. I did one with this hysterically funny
queeny guy from Soap Opera Digest. And I don't know, I let my
guard down and started just being- you know, me. And suddenly
we were laughing and talking about Barbra Streisand's concert on
HBO. How she was dressed. That black dress. That mahogany
table with the water on it...she'd drink so ... refined. And those nails!
This is not a conversation a couple of straight men would be hav-
ing. And he just leaned over and said, "I'm glad you're one ofus."
And I looked at him and realized that I had fucked up. So I put it
back on. The butch thing and said, "I don't know what you're talk-
ing about." And he said, "That's okay. I understand." That's okay.
I understand. Well, they don't understand down there. My Uncle
Brother Boy's in a mental institution for God's sake for being a gay
transvestite! Locked up since he was like eighteen. And my grand-
mother put him there. So it's a little hard to mourn her Joss.
(Pause.) His name was Ben Flack. The guy from Soap Opera
Digest. Ben loved our show, so he kinda became, you know, like a
friend of the cast. Hung out with us. But he stopped showing up on
the set and at stuff and then my friend Bobbie Eves-you know the
one who played my fiance, who won the Emmy because they killed
me off and she got to play grieffor six months. Well, Bobbie told
me that Ben was sick. He wouldn't let any ofus go and see him.
So I sent him a card and told him I missed him around, and you
 SORDID LIVES 55

know, hoped he was feeling better. (Pause.) The meds - they don't
work for everyone, you know. (Pause.) And he wrote me back and
said, "Ty Williamson, you are a beautiful man. So talented, your
soul runs deep and you ain't hard on the eyes either. I'm glad I
knew you. Love, Ben." I'm glad I knew you. Past tense. Then there
was, "P. S. Come out, come out wherever you are- and get
happy." (Pause, emotional.) But I can't. Because I care too much.
Especially down there. In Texas. Why do I care? Why the fuck do
I care?!

(Lights dim to Black then Full Lights come up on the office ofDR.
EVE BOLINGER, late 40 's, the very attractive, alcoholic
over-sexed psychologist of this state mental institution. TY's
chair is moved and is part of the office decor, which includes
a couch and DR. EVE's "desk" [The round table from SJSSY's
house and the bar now with a different cloth.} DR. EVE stands
by her desk and speaks into a mini tape recorder as she paces,
sits, paces some more-occasionally drinking .from a sipper
cup.)

EVE. Friday, July 24, 1998. Dr. Eve Bolinger. More docu-
mentation on the progress of my Dehomosexualization Therapy. Case
one. Jose Victor Rodriguez. After three months was able to masturbate
to orgasm for the first time while fantasizing about a woman. My
belief is that Jose Victor has come from a five to a four and is moving
towards a three on the Kinsey scale. Case two-(Sighs.) Oh boy. Earl
Ingram. AKA Brother Boy. AKA Tammy Wynette. So complicated.
The duality of homosexuality and transvestism. This session
is ...(Checks notes.) ... number sixty-eight...five times a week. ..three
months ...no progress. Today, Earl has promised to arrive with one less
item of female attire. No success with masturbation therapy.
56 SORDID LIVES

(EVE clicks off the tape recorder, then presses intercom.)

EVE. Send him in, please, Ethel.

(She then takes out a compact and checks herself. Satisfied she growls
at the mirror)

EVE. Not bad.

(BROTHER BOY enters. 40's. In fall make-up and the longest false
eyelashes on the market. He wears a pink housecoat, withfach-
sia marabou feathers outlining it. Under the housecoat are
womens green pajamas, accessorized with heeled wedgies,
adorned with a poof of the same fuchsia feathers as the house-
coat. He is wearing a knotted nylon stocking on his head that
covers most of his hair. One hand is holding a can ofAqua Net
and a cigarette, a purse positioned on that arm. The other hand
holds a wig head with a very big poofy blonde wig perched on it,
that is partially teased, partially combed out.)

BROTHER BOY. I did it! I did it! I walked right down that
hall without my hair on. I feel neked, but I did it. How are you, Dr.
Eve?
EVE. Well, good for you, Earl. I'm fine. Sit. Please.
BROTHER BOY. (Sitting.) That mean orderly Bumper and
some of them other 'uns was catcallin' at me, but I did it. I sure did
it.
EVE. Yes, you did! Good for you! I am so proud of you!
BROTHER BOY. Well, thank yewww! (Indicating wig.) I
washed and set this an hour before my appointment, so it would
just have just enough time to dry up under my portable and I
wouldn't have time to finish fixing it, so I'd have to bring it to my
session to put on the finishin' touches on it bein's I have a show
 SORDID LIVES 57

after this in the rec room. I can't disappoint my fans. They're crazy,
but they're loyal. They're always there.
EVE. Maybe that's because they're locked up and don't have
anywhere else to go. (Laughs.) That was a joke.
BROTHER BOY. (Not amused.) O-kay.
EVE. I caught your last show.
BROTHER BOY. Oh, well, that 'un was a little bit out of con-
trol. Usually I perform after the patients have been medicated. If
you could talk to Nurse Jackson and tell her that that was a much
better system, I'd sure appreciate it.
EVE. I'll see what I can do. This is a big step, Earl. Very big.
You coming in without the wig on. I believe we've made some
progress.

(BROTHER BOY digs in his purse, then takes out a fancy rattail
comb and proceeds to take the pins and curlers out of the wig
and backcomb it.)

BROTHER BOY. Well, I gotta tell you, I feel a little bit like a
whore in church.
EVE. You look a little bit like one too. (Pause.) That was just
another little joke.
BROTHER BOY. (Attitude.) O-kay.
EVE. No offense.
BROTHER BOY. None taken. Listen, Dr. Eve, how long is
this gonna take?
EVE. It's just a regular session. About forty-five minutes.
BROTHER BOY. No, no, no. This whole dehomosex-
ualization thing. 'Cause it seems to be going at a very slow pace.
EVE. Well, Earl, you really haven't been participating in your
own recovery. I don't have a magic wand.
BROTHER BOY. I do. Somewhere back in my room. I've had
58 SORDIDLNES

it forever. Got it when I was little. Used to pretend I was Glinda the
Good Witch. Ordered it from a magaz-
EVE. Earl?
BROTHER BOY. What?
EVE. Could we please stay with our session this time?
BROTHER BOY. So sorry. But you know, I resent...! resent
you sayin' that I am not participatin' in my own recovery. I walked
right down that hall without my hair on. Came in here lookin' like
somethin' the cat drug in.
EVE. Yes, I know. And that's good. But in three months,
sixty-eight sessions, this is your very first effort.
BROTHER BOY. Well, I don't like to rush into things. And in
my own defense, you did say that I have a severe case of homosex-
uality.
EVE. It's one of the worst I've ever seen. And with the trans-
vestism, well, it's very very complicated.
BROTHER BOY. (Testy.) I am well aware of that, Dr. Eve.
EVE. Now, did you try my masturbation exercises?
BROTHER BOY. (Still with an attitude.) Yes, I did.
EVE. And how did that go?
BROTHER BOY. Well, I did just what you asked me. I start-
ed masturbating by fantasizing about a man. I used Wardell from
back home.
EVE. Of course you did.
BROTHER BOY. Then I switched to a woman.
EVE. Good, good.
BROTHER BOY. At first I couldn't decide who to use. I
thought about usin' Tammy Wynette, but that just didn't seem right
now that she's ...(Chokes up.) ...gone. That'd just be evil and wrong.
I couldn't, you know, think about doing that to her bein's the way
I feel about her and all. That'd just be evil and wrong.
EVE. Well, Earl, fantasies are very healthy. And there doesn't
 SORDID LIVES 59

have to be anything evil or wrong about sex.

BROTHER BOY. Well, that's not what my mama told me,
Missy! (Chokes up.) I miss Mama. I hadn't seen my mama now for
six months and four days. My sister LaVonda's been visitin' me
though.
(He walks over to DR. EVE's "desk" and takes a tissue.)

EVE. Yes, I know. We've had several conversations. And we

need to talk about your mama. But not until the end of the session.
BROTHER BOY. LaVonda's wantin' to get me outta here.
EVE. I know that. But you're not ready yet.
BROTHER BOY. Well, when will I be ready?! I've been here
for twenty-three years!
EVE. I don't know.
BROTHER BOY. I gotta tell ya, the only thing that's kept me
sane has been my career. My country queens. Kitty, Loretta. Then
Tammy came along. Lord, I felt like I'd found my soul mate. I fol-
lowed her rise to the top. And she's had such a rough life. Illness
after illness. And George Jones was a drunk, you know. He's a tor-
tured genius. And financial woes. Bought 'erself a buncha shoppin'
malls and ever'one of 'em went bellyup. Did you know that
Tammy went to Nashville from Mississippi with three little babies
in the back seat of her car, honey, they were all under the age of
five-
EVE. Earl.
BROTHER BOY. Then they exhumed her.
EVE. Earl!
BROTHER BOY. Whatever happened to "Rest in Peace?"
Just dug her up!
EVE. Earl! Please! You always do this. You get extremely
sidetracked in our sessions and I truly believe it is so you won't
have to face the truth. You are living your life vicariously through
60 SORDID LIVES

Tammy Wynette and that is just not healthy.

BROTHER BOY. Well, somebody has got to carry on her
legacy now that she's ... gone.
EVE. Earl, you've been doing this for over twenty years. What
was your excuse before she died?
BROTHER BOY. My mind's a blank.
EVE. Well, it has to stop. It's just not healthy!
BROTHER BOY. (Emotional.) It gets me through this hell,
alright?! Locked up with a buncha looney tunes, like I'm crazy.
Tammy Wynette gets me through life, Dr. Eve - and now you're
tryin' to take her precious, precious, precious memory away from
me and I don't think I can take it.

(He throws himselfon the couch and sobs. DR. EVE rushes over
with a box of tissues.)

EVE. Oh, here...that's it. Let it out. Let it all out. Crying is
good.
BROTHER BOY. Thank you. (He dabs his eyes.) Now look
what you've done. You've gone and made my mascara run.
(Pause.) Tammy was a beautician, you know. I've always had a
special flair for doing hair, don't you think?
EVE. Could we just keep to our session here?!
BROTHER BOY. Okay.

(He opens his purse, digs around and takes out a tube ofmascara,
lipstick, and a compact, and proceeds to "freshen up. ")

BROTHER BOY. Lord, it is amazin' what a good cry can do

for you. When you dehomosexualize me, will I still be able to cry?
Because my Daddy always told me that real men don't cry.
EVE. (Losing her patience.) I don't know, Earl. We'll cross
that bridge if we ever get to it.
 SORDID LIVES 61

BROTHER BOY. I hope you're not givin' up on me. 'Cause I

really want to get outta here.
EVE. I'm not. Let's go back to your masturbation exercises,
shall we?
BROTHER BOY. Okay. (Re: wig.) Do you think this is too
poofy?
EVE. (Testy.) Maybe.
BROTHER BOY. I mean, she is a country queen. Big hair is
important, you know. Did you know that when Tammy was mar-
ried to George Jones that he onced punched a hole right through-
EVE. Earl!!!
BROTHER BOY. (Quickly.) He was drunk.
EVE. EARL!!! My masturbation therapy, okay!?
BROTHER BOY. Okay.
EVE. Now, when you switched to a woman, who did you fan-
tasize about?
BROTHER BOY. You. I masturbated and I fantasized about
you.
EVE. Oh ...well. Well, well, well. My. Thank you.
BROTHER BOY. Well, actually, it didn't tum out so good. As
soon as I switched over to you, now I don't mean to be ugly, but I
got kinda nauseous and it...(Whistles as he does a motion with his
finger indicating a penis going jlaccid.) ...kinda went South. I'm
sorry.
EVE. (Hurt.) That's okay. Don't worry about it. So, did you
try again?
BROTHER BOY. No, I threw up. So I wasn't in the mood no
more. I'm sorry. I' m really sorry. Maybe next time I'll masturbate
and think about someone a little more masculine. Oh, oh, oh! I
know! What about Miss Jane Hathaway from the Beverly
Hillbillies? She's kinda manly.
EVE. (Getting more frustrated.) Earl, that's not the point!
62 SORDID LIVES

BROTHER BOY. Well, I'm sorry. But I'm not quite sure what
the point is.
EVE. The point is for you to start fantasizing about a woman!
A real woman. A woman who is feminine and sexy and all woman!
Not some butch stick of a woman like Miss Jane Hathaway who
could be a man in drag for all we know!
BROTHER BOY. Well, I don't know about that. I don't think
a man in drag would go out looking that bad. I mean, even when
Jethro portrayed Jethrene-
EVE. Augh!!! (Stands; starts pacing.) I don't know what to do
with you anymore, Earl! I'm at my rope's end! I try and try to make
progress and nothing! You are not participating in your own recovery!!!
BROTHER BOY. I'm sorry.
EVE. Do you know what you are doing to me?!
BROTHER BOY. No.
EVE. You are costing me fame and fortune!
BROTHER BOY. I am?
EVE. Yes! I have a book deal pending on my success with you
and Jose Victor. Simon and Schuster.
BROTHER BOY. (Impressed.) Woo ...
EVE. Now Jose Victor is doing very well, but you're not! And
you're my ace in the hole, Earl. If I can dehomosexualize you, I
can dehomosexualize anyone! That'd mean my theory works and
I'd be famous. I'll be on talk shows. Maybe you can come with me.
BROTHER BOY. ("Oh I couldn t. ") Aw, well...
EVE. Does this make any sense whatsoever to you? Do you
see where I'm headed?
BROTHER BOY. No, not really.
EVE. I can get out of this god-forsaken state looney bin and
have a place in history! That's what I want, Earl, a place in psycho-
logical history. Like Freud, Jung. And you are not helping me, Earl.
You are not helping me at all!
 SORDID LIVES 63

BROTHER BOY. Well, I tried. I did your masturbation ex-

ercises. I can't help it if you don't float my boat! And I walked
right down that hall with everyone catcallin' at me, makin' fun,
lookin' like a damn fool.
EVE. You always look like a fool, Earl!
BROTHER BOY. Well, that's not very nice.
EVE. Nice? Nice? I don't give a shit about nice, Earl. I want
this to work, so I can get the hell out of this shithole and get on
Oprah! Is that so complicated? Is that too much to ask for? Can you
get that through your head, or has the heat from all the wigs all
these years caused some kinda brain damage!?
{She slaps the wig off of the table into BROTHER BOY's lap. He
catches it.)

BROTHER BOY. Well, you're startin' to scare me! And I

don't particularly care for you calling me a fool. (Starts to cry.)
Could I have another tissue, please?

(He goes to the box, she beats him to it, snatches it.)

EVE. No! And don't start blubbering again because I am not

in the mood.

(She takes the tissue box and puts it on the floor by the chair.)

BROTHER BOY. I just don't consider myself a fool, Dr. Eve.

I consider myself a lot of other things, but I do not consider myself
a fool!
EVE. Well, you are! What do you think got you here in the
first place?! Huh? Walking down that hall today was no different
from any other day. People point and laugh at you every day, Earl.
Today was no different!
BROTHER BOY. You're startin' to hurt my feelings.
64 SORDID LIVES

EVE. Yeah? Well, get over it!

(EVE gets up, then an idea hits her. She unbuttons her blouse, toss-
es it, then kneels down on the couch by BROTHER BOY)

BROTHER BOY. Dr. Eve, what are you doin'?

EVE. More therapy! (Coming closer, breasts in his face.)
What are you thinking right now, Earl?
BROTHER BOY. I was wonderin' where you got that bra.
EVE. I want you to fuck me, Earl. Because quite frankly, I
think it's time you fuck a woman.
BROTHER BOY. Oh dear sweet Jesus-
EVE. Oh God, it's been so long!!!

(Shes on him, trying to unpry his legs.)

BROTHER BOY. (Overlap.} I just don't think I can-

EVE. Oh yes you can. Just like that little engine that could,
Earl. Say it! "I think I can, I think I can."
BROTHER BOY. (Shaking his head "no. ") I think I can, I
think I can.
EVE. That's it.
BOTH. I think I can.
EVE. Now let's go! FUCK ME!!!!
BROTHER BOY. I don't think I can!

(He gets away. She follows.)

EVE. Oh, yes you can! I can change any man, Earl. Just look
at these. Look at 'em.

(She cups her breasts and squeezes them.)

BROTHER BOY. (Holds his stomach.) Do you have any

Mylanta?
 SORDID LIVES 65

(She positions herself, with her dress hiked, and spreads her legs, one
on the chair; the other on the couch - aweyfrom the audience.)

EVE. Fuck me, Earl! Fuck me NOW!!!!

(BROTHER BOY screams in hon"or when he looks up her skirt.)

BROTHER BOY. Dr. Eve! You don't have on any panties!

(He backs against the wall, scared shitless, looks again, screams
again, then looks away, holds his stomach and starts taking
deep breaths.)

EVE. I know. Now just take yours off and fuck me, Earl!!!
FUCK ME!!!
BROTHER BOY. I can't! I'm gonna throw up. I'd throw up
all over you. You don't want that. I had enchiladas for lunch.
Please, Dr. Eve, I just can't.
EVE. (Screams in frustration.) Oh for cryin' out loud, you are
just one hopeless pathetic freak. Shit!

(She grabs her Jacket and puts it back on as she walks over to her
desk.)

BROTHER BOY. (C1ying.) I'm never gonna get out of here,

am I?

(She gets some pills from her purse, a flask, and downs them with
a long swig.)

EVE. Shut up! Damn sob sister.

BROTHER BOY. I'm not, am I? I'm not ever gonna get out of
here. I can't pass any of your tests. If you can't dehomosexualize
me, I'm never gonna get out of here.
66 SORDID LIVES

(He goes for the tissues, she races across and grabs them.)

EVE. No! You're stuck. Stuck here forever. Just like me. (She
starts laughing.) Stuck here forever. Like a monkey in the zoo.
(She laughs more.) Like a goddamn monkey in a goddamn zoo.

(DR. EVE laughs more.)

BROTHER BOY. Um... I don't see anything funny, Dr. Eve.

EVE. Well, I do. (Continues laughing.) Oh, by the way, I
almost forgot. Your mama died.
BROTHER BOY. What?
EVE. Your mama died.
BROTHER BOY. Mama's dead?
EVE. As a mackerel.
BROTHER BOY. My mama's dead?!
EVE. As a goddamn doornail.

(BROTHER BOYjust sits in his chair, stops c1ying, letting it sink

in. EVE continues to swig from the flask, hying not to laugh.)

BROTHER BOY (No emotion.) Oh my god. Mama's dead.

My mama's dead. (To himself.) I quit cryin'. I'm not even cryin' .
My mama's dead and I'm not even sad. Why, Dr. Eve? Why?
EVE. Beats the hell outta me.

(EVE picks up a timer and turns it. It dings.)

EVE. Okay, session's over.
BROTHER BOY. Over? You just tell me my mama's dead.
You drop a bombshell like that on me, tell me my mama's dead,
then say session's over?
EVE. Hey, I'm beat, okay? You think this is easy? Now get
your little monkey ass outta here!
 SORDID LIVES 67

BROTHER BOY. (Rising.) Okay.

(He starts gathering up his stuff)

EVE. And next time please make more of an effort with my

masturbation exercises.
BROTHER BOY. Yes, ma'am.
EVE. And show up with no wig and no make-up. It's time you
start participating in your...
BOTH ....own recovery.
BROTHER BOY. I know.
(He starts to exit.)

EVE. Because I'm at my rope's end with you, Earl! Fed up!
Understand?!
BROTHER BOY. Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I' ll do
my best. (Pause, stops, then softly.) No. No, no, no...
EVE. What did you say?
BROTHER BOY. (Turns back) I said no! I don't understand!
And I'm not gonna do it. Not gonna show up wigless again. Not
gonna take off my face. And I'm sure as hell not gonna do those
stupid masturbation exercises if I can't masturbate and fantasize
about a woman that's manly!
EVE. You will ifl say you will!
BROTHER BOY. I won't either! If I'm stuck here, then I'm
not doin' nothin' else you say. Nothing! Understand, Dr. Eve?! If
I'm stuck in this shithole for the rest of my life, then I am not par-
ticipating in my own recovery! And you can't make me! And if you
want to know my opinion, Dr. Eve, you' re just a flat-out mean,
evil, bitter, alcoholic, sex fiend who needs a lifetime of therapy
herself1
EVE. I'M IN THERAPY, YOU LITTLE FAGGOT!!!!
68 SORDID LIVES

BROTHER BOY. WELL, IT AIN'T A WORKIN' ! (Deep

breath, regains his composure.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go mourn the loss of my mama.
(O.S. We hear a loud commotion, some shots, screaming, etc. DR.
EVE and BROTHER BOY run away form the door.)

WARDELL. (O.S; yelling.) Okay, everybody just stay calm

and nobody'll get hurt.
BROTHER BOY. (Overlap.) Oh my Lord! What's happen-
in 'out there?

(WARDELL storms in the room, wearing a cowboy hat, tight

Wranglers, looking like a million bucks, holding a gun.)

WARDELL. (Evaluating.) Brother Boy?

BROTHER BOY. (Studies him, then recognizes him.) Wardell.
(Screaming.) Ahhhh! !! That's Wardell! (I'urns around, scrambling
for the wig.) No, Wardell. You cain't see me like this! I don't have
my hair on and I've cried my face off. Don't look at me, Wardell.
I'm not presentable.

(EVE slinks towards WARDELL as BROTHER BOY puts the wig

on.)

EVE. (Sexily.) So this is Wardell. I've heard a lot about you,

Wardell. Dr. Eve Bolinger.
(EVE extends her hand.)

WARDELL. Well, what I need for you to do is go on out there

with the others. I'd sure appreciate it, and no one'll get hurt.
(EVE puts her hand on WARDELL s shoulder.)
 SORDID LIVES 69

EVE. Well, I'm not sure I'd mind getting hurt by a big of
handsome cowboy like yourself.

(BROTHER BOY bounces up, the wig on, pissed and struts over.)

BROTHER BOY. Back off bitch!

EVE. Excuse me?!
BROTHER BOY. You heard me! Get your damn paws off a
him and get the hell on outta here!
EVE. Like I'm scared of you, you little monkey freak!
WARDELL. Hey, hey! Don't you talk to him like that!
BROTHER BOY. Shoot'er, Wardell! Shoot'er in the head!
WARDELL. Now go on. Git.
(WARDELL grabs EVE s arm and pushes her to the do01:)

EVE. I like it rough.

BROTHER BOY. Hell, you like it any way you can get it.
Now get outta here!
(BROTHER BOY swipes at EVE with his purse, hits the wall.)

WARDELL. Git!
(DR. EVE runs out. WARDELL turns and stares at BROTHER BOY
for a long awkward moment.)

WARDELL. Brother Boy.

BROTHER BOY. Wardell.
WARDELL. I am so sorry.
BROTHER BOY. (Choking up.) It's okay.
WARDELL. I'll never hurt you again, and I won't let anybody
else hurt ya either.
BROTHER BOY. (Meekly.) Oh ...
70 SORDID LIVES

WARDELL. I'm takin' you home now.

BROTHER BOY. (Long pause, chokes up.) You're takin' me
home?
WARDELL. Yes, I am.
BROTHER BOY. (In tears.) Ob, thank you, sweet Jesus. I'm
goin' home.
(Lights start to Dim as WARDELL grabs BROTHER BOY and they
exit.)
WARDELL. All right, we're comin' out, goddamnit!

BROTHER BOY: (TO CAMERA) Can you see my pussy now?

(Wardellfires the gun, overlapping 0. S. screaming. Blackout.)

END OF CHAPTER THREE

 CHAPTER FOUR

All Laid Out (In a Mink Stole)

(A guitar strum in the darkness. A Spotlight hits BITSY MAE, who
is standing in the theatre aisle - the opposite side as before
"Two Wooden Legs" - leaning against the wall. [Note.
Again, while BITSY sings, onstage the cast and crew strike the
set and set up another one.} By the last chorus, TY should be
settled in his chair, seen in the shadows, pensive.)

BITSY.
"I've wandered far away from God,
Now I'm coming home,
The paths of sin too long I've trod.
Lord, I'm coming home.

Coming home. Coming home.

Nevermore to roam.
Open wide thine arms of love.
Lord I'm coming home.

I've wasted many precious years,

Now I' m coming home.
I now repent with bitter tears,
Lord I'm coming home.
71
72 SORDID LIVES

Coming home, coming home.

Never more to roam
Open wide thine arms of love.
Lord, I'm coming home."

(Key change. BITSY walks up the steps onstage and sings right to
TY - who ofcourse doesn't hear her - emotional, dramatic.)

My soul is sick, my heart is sore,

Now I'm coming home!
My strength renew, my hope restore.
Lord, I'm coming home.

Coming home, Coming home.

Nevennore to roam
Open wide thine arms of love,
Lord I'm coming home.
Open wide thine arms of love.
Lord, I'm coming home."

(The Spotlight fades as she exits. Lights up on TY Another session.)

TY. I had a great day yesterday! After I left your office, I went
home, laid down on the couch and started drifting. Just letting my
mind float from place to place. And I settled on the soap. And I
thought about my best friend back then. Marc Stein. Great guy.
One of our producers. When I first got on the soap, Marc found out
I played racketball and we started playing once a week. We did guy
things, you know. I once even went to a strip club with him and he
paid some beautiful stripper to lap dance on me. That was a com-
plete waste of twenty bucks. Marc hated "faggots." His word, not
mine. We were at the gym once, and there was this real femmy guy
 SORDID LIVES 73

wearing a thong in the sauna and when he left, Marc said, "Ty,
man, I hate faggots. Freaks of nature, man. I wish they' d just dis-
appear." (Long pause.) So, I just lay there on the couch, and my
mind kept floating. And I wondered what my life would have been
like ifl'd been honest with myself-and everyone else. And I set-
tled on not going back to my grandmother's funeral because basi-
cally I was gay and didn't want to deal. And I started feeling guilty
on so many levels, and I prayed. I don't know why. I haven't
prayed in years. But I asked for a sign. Just like I did when I was a
kid. Back when I went to church. When I believed. Then this feel-
ing of peace, of serenity just swept all over my body and I opened
my eyes, flipped on the TV and "The Wizard of fuckin' Oz" was
on. Right at the part where Glinda was singing, "Come out, come
out, wherever you are." I swear to God. So I got up and went over
to the soap. It was like this quest... this, I don't know, spiritual
quest. I was just-drawn. And I walked in, and people started com-
ing up and saying, "Ty! How are you, man?!" And I just blurted
out, "Fine, I'm gay!" I didn't plan it, I just did it. And it felt so
good. So I went up to Marc's office, and he was so glad to see me.
And I said, "Marc, I have something I have to tell you. I'm gay!"
And be just laughed and said, "That's funny, that's funny shit." But
I didn't laugh and he stopped and said, "You're shittin' me, aren't
you? Please tell me you're shittin' me." And I shook my head.
Then the weirdest thing happened. He sat there, just staring at me.
Then after what seemed like sixty or seventy hours, he said, "I'm
a good person, Ty. I don't know why I..." There was this long pause
and I realized he couldn't talk anymore because he was all choked
up. So, I said, "It's okay, man." And he said, "No, it's not! I wish I
didn't have those feelings, but I do-and I'm not sure they'll ever
go away. I'm sorry." Then ... (Chokes up.) ... he said, "But I know I
love you Ty...and that's not gonna go away either." Then he got up,
74 SORDID LIVES

came over, and hugged me. (Pause.) Then we set a racketball date.
I assured him I had never had a crush on him. (Pause.) I lied. Then
he said, "Mazel tov!" and I left.

(Lights fade to Black as an organ plays "Rock of Ages." Lights

come up with the swell ofthe music. The stage is empty except
for a Jew flower arrangements, a coffin downstage, between
the coffin and audience a huge wreath with pink and blue car-
nations and a lettered ribbon- and two church pews - bench-
es - one downstage left and one upstage right - the missing
ones are an illusion, missing intentionally. TY's chair is turned
backwards, downstage right, hugging the wall. The round
table is now by the door with a spray offlowers and a guest
book sitting on it. A wooden cross adorns the back wall. The
organ music subsides as a puff of cigarette smoke proceeds
SISSY, who enters dressed in black, puffing away. She looks
around, signs the guest book, looks at the cross, realizes she is
smoking, starts to exit-then sees no one, makes her decision
and continues to smoke as she walks towards the coffin. She
stares at her sister for a moment and takes a long drag.)

SISSY. Hey. Guess you don't mind if I smoke. It was just not
the right time to quit...with you dyin' and all. I only lasted three
days. I failed again. But after five husbands, what else is new? (A
bit emotional.) It has not been a good day, Sister. And I'm blamin'
you. I am. I cain't help it. Now you know I am not one to judge,
and quite frankly, I'm glad you cut loose and had so much fun
towards the end. But I just wish you'd been more careful. I mean,
you turn on a light when you get up to go to the bathroom!
Especially in a strange motel room. When you have affairs, you
have got to be more careful. (Another drag, mutters.) Of course,
this is useless information to you now, so why the hell am I wastin'
 SORDID LIVES 75

my breath? (Spots the wreath in front of the coffin, goes over and
reads the banner.) "Jesus Called, Peggy Answered." Awww. (She
ashes her cigarette in it, then steps back and evaluates the corpse.)
Well, for once in my life, I'm gonna have to agree with Latrelle.
You look plum silly in that mink stole. (Shudders.) Lord. (Studies
her.) And I don't like your lipstick.
(She digs through her bag and pulls out a tube oflipstick and a tissue
and proceeds to wipe offSisters lipstick and reapply new.)

SISSY. (cont.) I tell you, Walter never did have a good flair for
make-up when it came to <loin' bodies. I don't think he pays a bit
of mind to skin-tone, much less what you're wearin'. Of course,
that mink stole could throw anybody off. (She finishes.) There. You
look real good. (Deep breath, holding back emotion.) I loved you,
Sister, I did. I do-

(LATRELLE suddenly storms in the door.)

LATRELLE. (Yelling.) Sissy!
SISSY. (Jumping.) Good Lord, Latrelle, don't you have better
sense than to yell at someone when they're talkin' to a corpse?
LATRELLE. We've got a situation, Sissy! Mama's funeral
starts in thirty minutes and LaVonda's in jail!
SISSY. In jail! What on earth for?!
LATRELLE. She and Noleta Nethercott held up Tiny's Liquor
Store and they're both in jail!
SISSY. Oh, Lord.
LATRELLE. So, I need you to get over there and bail her out!
(Pulls out an envelope from her purse.) Here. Nine hundred dollars,
cash. Had to go to the bank. Now go!
SISSY. Okay.
76 SORDID LIVES

(SISSY takes the money and starts to leave.)

LATRELLE. Wait! Come back. First, I need you to help me

get that stole offi
SISSY. Oh, Latrelle, LaVonda's not gonna like-
LATRELLE. I don't give a damn at this point what LaVonda
likes! And you can tell her that for me too, will ya? And if she has
a problem with that, then she can just rot in the pokey! Now give
me a hand!
SISSY. Okay.
(LATRELLE goes around the coffin, looks at her mama for a
moment.)

LATRELLE. You have caused me so much grief, Mama. You

have no idea what I've had to concoct to salvage your reputation.
Okay, Sissy, grab the stole on the count of three. One, two, three ...

(LATRELLE lifts the corpse and SISSY reaches in and grabs the
stole in one nice swoop.)

SISSY. Got it!

LATRELLE. Good, good job. Now go get La-
G.W. (Screaming 0.S.) PEGGY!!!!!!!!

(LATRELLE and SISSYjump.)

LATRELLE. Oh, good Lord!

SISSY. Heavens! That's G.W.
LATRELLE. I don' t need this! Not now, not ever. I'll handle
him, go get LaVonda! And take the stole with you. Throw it in the
trunk of your car. Hurry!
SISSY. I'm hurrying!
 SORDID LIVES 77

(G W enters, drunk. SISSY starts to exit with the stole, passing him
on her way.)
SISSY. Hey, G. W. How are you?
G.W. PEGGGGGYYYYY!!!
LATRELLE. Stop that screamin', G.W., right now! Show
some respect, for cryin' out loud! Now you are drunk and I want
you outta here. I have no use for you. Understand?
G.W. Who the hell are you?
LATRELLE. I'm Latrelle. Peggy's oldest girl.
G.W. The tight ass.
LATRELLE. (Indignant.) Well!
G.W. I'm gonna bum up my legs. Gonna burn the sumbitches
up 'cause they killed the woman I loved.
LATRELLE. You are not! And quit using such vulgar lan-
guage in the church house.
G.W. Yes, I am. Gonna burn 'em up, just like firewood! And
don't tell me I'm not! I am! Gonna douse 'em with lighter fluid and
light 'em up right here in front of God and Peggy, so she can wit-
ness it and know how sorry I am.
LATRELLE. She can't witness anything' cause she's dead, G W. !
G.W. I know she's dead, goddamn it! And it's on 'count of
these sorry ass legs of mine! (Screaming.) PEGGGGYYYY! !! ! I
am so sorry!
(LATRELLE rushes to the door to look for "help, " exits for a beat.
G W pulls a can [Link] his jacket pocket, lifts his
pants leg, and starts squirting his legs. He pulls out a lighter.)

G.W. (To PEGGY) I'm gonna bum 'em up for you, baby.
You'll see how sorry I am. I'm gonna bum the sumbitches up.
You'll see, baby.
78 SORDID LIVES

(He starts flicking the Bic; LATRELLE re-enters, spots him and
screams, then rushes over.)

LATRELLE. Stop!!! Now you give me that!

(LATRELLE grabs the lighter fluid and lighter.)

G.W. Goddamn child proof lighters.

LATRELLE. Today's been hard enough. Now git! Damnit, I
mean it!
GW. Okay, okay. I'll leave. Just let me say something' to
Peggy, okay? Then I'll go. Just let me say my farewells to the only
woman I ever loved.
LATRELLE. Okay, but you make it quick and I mean it!

(LATRELLE sits on the front bench and waits, still holding the
lighter fluid and lighta)

G.W. (Pause, looks at PEGGY) Peggy... Peggy...Peggy...Peggy,

Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy. (Pause, then turns to LATRELLE.) I
can't think of nothin' else to say.
LATRELLE. (Gets up, ushers him down the aisle.) It's prob-
ably for the best. Now go on, G.W. Think of your family. You need
your legs. And go get Noleta out of jail.
G.W. Okay. I'm sorry I called you a tight ass.
LATRELLE. That's okay. Just go.

(G W starts to exit, sobbing, then turns back.)

G.W. (Yelling.) Life's a big of pile of shit- Latrelle!

(Then he exits.)
 SORDID LIVES 79

LATRELLE. (Mutters.) Well, he's right about that.

(LATRELLE signs the guest book, hides the lighter fluid and
lighter behind the flowers, then looks toward the coffin.)

LATRELLE. I could just kill you-if you weren't already

dead. (Walks to the coffin.) What got into you, Mama? Why on
earth would you run around with the likes ofBitsy Mae Harling, a
convict, and G.W. Nethercott, who just tried to set fire to his wood-
en legs in the church house to make amends for killing you. That
is not a smart man, Mama! You taught us better that to cavort with
trash like that. How could you leave me in a quandary like this?
Huh? Do you realize what I'm gonna have to do to save your face?
Huh? To save my own and that of the rest of the family. Oh, who
am I kidding? I'm the only one left with any decency whatsoever.
LaVonda's in jail, Brother Boy's in a mental institution. It's min-
utes away from your funeral, Mama, and I'm the only one who's
not locked up! The only one.

(TY walks in and stands in the back watching his mother for a
moment.)

LATRELLE. (Chokes up.) And you never gave me credit for

anything.
TY. Mama.
LATRELLE. (Turning.) Ty!

(LATRELLE rushes over to TY.)

TY. I made it. I made it after all.

LATRELLE. (Hugs him.) Oh, honey. You did! Thank you . Oh,
let me look at you.
80 SORDID LIVES

(LATRELLE takes TY's face.)

TY. Are you okay?

LATRELLE. Okay? Okay?! No, Ty, I am not, okay. It has been
a horrible, horrible day! But you're here now and things are look-
ing up!
TY. Mama.. .I'm gay!
LATRELLE. (Quick beat, then plows ahead, turns and heads
for coffin.) You don't know what I've had to deal with while your
Daddy's off building houses for poor white trash with Jimmy and
Rosalyn Carter. Your Aunt LaVonda held up a liquor store and is in
jail. (Re: wreath.) Aren't these flower's pretty...
TY. Marna...are you listening? I'm gay.
LATRELLE. (Fasta) And I gave your Aunt Sissy the bail
money-nine hundred dollars, which I better get back- and we were
able to pry that god-awful mink stole off of your grandmother that
your favorite Aunt LaVonda insisted .. .
TY. Did you hear me...?
LATRELLE. (Overlap.) ... she wear in the heat of summer.

(TY grabs his mother by the shoulders and looks her in the face.)

TY. Mama! I'm gay!

LATRELLE. I know you're gay, Ty!!! I've known you're gay
since you were five years old and you wanted that doll Suzy Q for
Christmas instead of the dump truck that your Daddy wanted to
buy you! I know you're gay, Ty, I've always known, but could we
just please bury your grandmother and get on with life! Huh?
Could we? Because I think I'm gonna explode any minute if ANY
MORE SHIT HITS THE FAN TODAY!!!
TY. You knew? Since I was five? I've had twenty-seven ther-
apists and you knew? Did you j ust say "shit"?
 SORDID LIVES 81

LATRELLE. I did. And I said damn today and hell and bitch
and dookey-and I gotta tell you, I feel like sayin' a whole lot
more! Damn, hell, shit, bitch, dookey, damn, hell, shit, bitch,
dookey, damn, hell, shit, bitch, TITTY! ! ! !
TY. Okay, okay, calm down. (Pause, hugs her.) Thank you.
LATRELLE. (Regains composure.) For what?!
TY. I don't know. For sewing those "Slim" labels on my
"Husky" jeans.
LATRELLE. (Smiles.) Oh, my Lord. I forgot all about that.
TY. I didn't.
LATRELLE. Slim. Lord, Ty, you were fatter than Baby Huey.
Do you think for one minute we fooled anybody?
TY. No.

(They laugh.)

LATRELLE. Oh God, it feels good to laugh.

TY. Yes, it does.
LATRELLE. I hadn't laughed all day.

(LATRELLE goes and sits on the front p ew.)

TY. (Stops laughing, pause.) Why did you change those labels,
Mama?
LATRELLE. (Thinks.) All I ever wanted for you was for you
to be happy. And I couldn't make you happy. (Chokes up.) And I
blame Dr. McCright!

(TY goes and sits by LATRELLE.)

TY. Dr. McCright. For what?

LATRELLE. For you being gay. When I was pregnant with
you, he gave me this drug that had estrogen in it to keep me from
82 SORDID LIVES

miscanying again. And I'm positive that's what caused this. I

could just kill him! (Remembers.) If he wasn't already dead.
TY. (Laughs.) Mama, I don't think that's what caused this.
And I'm getting happy now. I want you to know that.
LATRELLE. Well, I'm glad someone is.
(Awkward pause. TY turns and looks at the coffin, gets up and eval-
uates.)

TY. Nan Nan looks good.

LATRELLE. Now. Lord, what she did to Brother Boy. She
would roll over in her grave if she knew you were gay too. That is,
if she were in her grave.
(TY saunters over, smirking mischievously.)

TY. (To corpse.) Hey, Nan Nan. Guess what? I'm gay. Gay as
a goose.
LATRELLE. (Laughs.) Stop that!
TY. Gay as Uncle Brother Boy!
LATRELLE. (Rising.) You are not! Nobody's that gay! (Looks
around, then crosses to TY hush-hush.) So, what is it exactly that
you do?
TY. What?
LATRELLE. You know, when you're gay?
TY. Oh dear God! I hope my mother isn't asking me about my
sex life.
LATRELLE. lfl'm gonna have a gay son, then I need to know
about gay sex.
TY. Then read a book, Mama! I don't ask you what happens
in the privacy of your own bedroom.
LATRELLE. I'll tell you exactly what happens - nothin'!
TY. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not about to explain gay sex and
 SORDID LIVES 83

the details of my own sex life to my mama in front of my grand-

mother's coffin
LATRELLE. You wanna step outside?
TY. No! I'm not going to discuss this with you! Period!
LATRELLE. Okay, fine. Be that way.

(LATRELLE goes and sits on the front pew, arms crossed.)

TY. I will!
LATRELLE. I was just trying to be open.
TY. Well, I don't want you to be!

(Pause. TY realizes and smiles. LATRELLE motions. He goes and

sits by her on the pew. She puts her hand on his face and stud-
ies him.)

LATRELLE. You were always my special boy. I've never felt

closer to anyone. No one. We've always had that...bond. (Chokes
up.) And you know, I'm not sure we would of had that if you
weren't gay. So, I don't regret taking that drug after I lost all those
other babies. Because I can't imagine life without you, Ty.
TY. (Emotional.) I like who I am now, Mama. So, instead of
blaming Dr. McCright, maybe we should thank him.
LATRELLE. Maybe. But he's dead.

(TY hugs his Mother, hard.)

TY. I love you, Mama. So much.

LATRELLE. I love you too, baby.
(They continue to hold each othe1; then finally break.)
LATRELLE. Are you the woman or the man?
(Blackout.)
84 SORDID LIVES

(Organ music - "In the Sweet, By and By" - swells as Lights

Come Up on the funeral. The PREACHER enters and stands
in front of the coffin. [Note: Double cast Odell, play him old
maybe, gray wig - stage where you never see Preachers
face.] LATRELLE and TY are still in [Link] row, LATRELLE
now on TYs other side by the aisle as SISSY rushes in.)

PREACHER. (Singing.) "In The Sweet, By And By... "

SISSY. (Calling out door.) Come on, Lavonda! They've
already started.
ALL. "We Shall Meet On That Beautiful Shore."

(As SISSY passes by the PREACHER, she nods and starts singing
the echo ("By and By"). LA VONDA enters, same clothes as
"Two Wooden Legs", only has buttoned her blouse to cover
bra and cleavage. Her hair is a mess; she straightens it as she
walks towards her mother.)

PREACHER. (Nods at SISSY.) Everybody sing, now.

(SISSY sees TY and hugs him, then sits.)

ALL. "In The Sweet, By And By... "

(LA VONDA arrives at the casket, notices the stole is missing, glares
at LATREUE. TY heads offa confrontation by going to LA VONDA
and hugging her. She hugs him back, hard, then mutters something
about the stole as they take their seats as the song continues.)

ALL. "We Shall Meet on That Beautiful Shore. A-men."

PREACHER. Yes, brethren, we shall meet on that beautiful
shore. Praise Jesus. Praise the Lord. Today we are gathered here
 SORDID LIVES 85

together to pay our respects to and celebrate the life of our beloved
sister, Peggy Sue Ingram.

(BITSY MAE HARLING walks in the door. Her head down, she is
crying, and carries a guitar. She signs the guest book, bumps
the table with her guita1'. LATRELLE turns back and looks.)

LATRELLE. (Overlap.) Who is that?!

PREACHER. (Overlap.) Peggy was born February 28th, 1931
right here outside of Winters.
SISSY. (Overlap, loud whisper.) Bitsy Mae Harling.
LATRELLE. Who?
LA VONDA. Bitsy!
LATRELLE. Oh, Lord!
PREACHER. Peggy married Theodore Edward Ingram June
30th, 1948 right here at Southside Baptist Church. Peggy is sur-
vived by her daughters, Latrelle Sue Williamson, LaVonda Jean
Dupree and a son, Earl Don "Brother Boy" Ingram, who unfortu-
nately could not be with us today.
LATRELLE. (Heavenward, mutters.) Praise the Lord.
PREACHER. She has one grandchild, Theodore Edward
Williamson, an actor... hi Ty.
TY. (Embarrassed.) Hi.
PREACHER. And a surviving sister, Marie "Sissy" Hickey.
(SISSY raises her hand. G W and NOLETA enter and sit on the
back pew; NOLETA pissed at G W)

PREACHER. Peggy died July 23rd, 1998. At this time,

Peggy's eldrest daughter, Latrelle, would like to say a few words
in memory of her dearly departed mother.
LATRELLE. (Rises, walks over and stands by casket.) Thank
you, Bro. Barnes. (To congregation.) And thank you all for coming
 SORDID LIVES 115

CHAPTER FOUR

All Laid Out (In a Mink Stole)

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Chapter Four remains the same until

JUANITA'S entrance.)

LATRELLE. (Rises. walks over and stands by casket.) Thank

you, Bro. Barnes. (To congregation.) And thank you all for coming
here today. What a nice turnout. (Deep breath.) As many of you
know, my Mama was not "right" for the last six months of her life.
She abandoned her sense of morality and upbringing and started
hanging around riff-raff.

(JUANITA enters, still in the same outfit when she left the bar.)

LATRELLE. A few months ago, I took Mama to the doctor

over in Snyder and they found a lemon-sized cancerous tumor on
her brain!
JUANITA. No!
LATRELLE. Yes! And it was inoperable and growing rapidly.
JUANITA. (Whispers to G W.) Scooch over, shug.

(He does and she sits by him, gives a little wave to NOLETA.)

LATRELLE. Mama asked me to tell no one and I kept her

secret. 'Ti! now. (To corpse.) But it's time to clear your name,
Mama! (Back to congregation.) And what happened was the tumor
grew and pressed up against the ... well...the ...um, sexual...part of
her brain.
SISSY. Oh, my God.
116 SORDID LIVES

LAVONDA. This is supposed to make us look better.

LATRELLE. That tumor turned my mama into a nymphoma-
niac. So, I ask on behalf of my grieving family that y'all forget
about the circumstances surrounding her death and remember her
for the good Christian that she was before that tumor destroyed her
health and her morality. Thank you.

(She sits. TY gives her a reassuring hug. The PREACHER stands

again. JUANITA pops a beer that is in her purse and begins to
discreetly take sips during the rest of the funeral.)

PREACHER. Thank you, Latrelle for those revelations. Cancer

can be so cruel. And now, I like to read to you -

(He goes to get his Bible, which is resting on the edge ofthe coffin, and
knocks it in.)

PREACHER. Oops. (Reaches in and gets it, straightens some-

thing.) From the first chapter of the Gospel of John -
BITSY. May I say a few words too, Reverend?

(PREACHER looks to the "family". LATRELLE shakes her head

"no"; LA VONDA 'yes".)

PREACHER. I suppose so. Yes.

(BITSY carries the guitar to the coffin.)

LATRELLE. What's she doin' now?

LA VONDA. She's gonna say a few words, too.
LATRELLE. Well, this isn't open mike!
BITSY. (To family.) I had no idea about the tumor. I am so
 SORDID LIVES 117

sorry. But I gotta tell you, Peggy touched my life. The nymphoma-
niac Peggy, with all due respect. We were close. (Poignant.) Very
close.

(The family exchange questioning looks. Could it be?)

BITSY. (Fond memo,y.) After we used to close up at Bubba's,

I was all wound up after a big show... and well Peggy, me ...
Juanita... sometimes G.W. over there...hi G.W.
G.W. (Embarrassed.) Hello, Bitsy.

(NOLETAjust glares at him.)

BITSY. We'd all just sit around, get drunk and sing hymns.
SISSY. Lord, lord, lord.
JUANITA. Those were the good ol' days.
BITSY. This was Peggy's favorite hymn, and I'd like to sing it
as she enters those Pearly Gates to meet her maker.

(She strums the guitar, startling the PREACHER, who has fallen
asleep.)

BITSY. "Just As I Am". Listen to the words. They apply on so

many levels.
LATRELLE. (Mutters.) I'm gonna wake up any minute now.
BITSY. "Just As I Am, Without One Plea, But That Thy Blood,
Was Shed For Me, And That Thou Bidd'st Me Come To Thee, 0
Lamb Of God, I Come! I Come!"

(BROTHER BOY walks in the door, escorted by WARDELL. He is

wearing a black senorita dress, with the blonde wig perfectly
coiffed, red flower in the wig. He stops, listens to the song,
118 SORDID LIVES

whispers something to WARDELL, who then goes and stands

behind GW, NOLETA and JUANITA. Everyone turns around
to look.)
LATRELLE. (Whispers, panicked overlap.) Is that...!?
LA VONDA. (To TY) That is your Uncle Brother Boy!

(LATRELLE flies up and rushes him.)

LATRELLE. (Screams.) NOOOOO!!!!! Get him outta here!

Get him outta here!!! He's a spectacle!
BROTHER BOY. (Overlap.) Don't you start, Latrelle!

(All hell breaks loose with screaming and yelling. SISSY grabs
LATRELLE '.s arm and turns her around.)

SISSY. Latrelle, stop it! Just stop it right now or I'm gonna
knock you into next week!
LATRELLE. But...
SISSY. Shut up, sit down and let 'im stay!
TY. He's family, Mama. Let him stay. (Meaning it.) Mama, let
him stay!

(LATRELLE stops, suddenly calms, looks at TY, then at BROTHER

BOY.)

LATRELLE. (Softly.) Okay.

BITSY. (Mutters.) Tough crowd.
(There is an awkward silence as everyone takes their seats. The
PREACHER nods at BITSY, who starts singing again.
JUANITA lifts her hands in praise. One by one, everyone joins
in softly, letting the emotion and their grief take ove1'. First
 SORDID LIVES 119

LA VONDA, then SISSY, then TY, then G W, NOLETA,

WARDELL and JUANITA.)

BITSY. "Just As I Am, Tho' Tossed About, With Many A

Conflict, Many A Doubt, Fightings Within And Fears Without, 0
Lamb of God, I Come! I Come!"

(BROTHER BOY walks towards the coffin, trying to get a peek of

his mother. He tiptoes, then proceeds some more. He arrives in
front of her, and sadly looks at her, joining in singing on "I
come, I come. "He takes out a tissue from his purse, starts to
bend down towards her, then stops and sneers as the Lights Go
Down, leaving him in a Spotlight.)

BROTHER BOY. Well, I guess you didn't think I was gonna

make it, did ya, Mama!?

(He wheels around and starts to exit! Blackout.)

END OF PLAY