A Journey Toward My Inner Self

At the beginning of this semester, when we had to choose a topic for our CORE 1010 course,
many advised me to study Who Am I, while others warned about its difficulty and heavy
workload. Yet, I decided to take my chances because I was curious to discover more about
myself. Over the past few months, my understanding of who I am has shifted in ways I never
expected. What began as a course requirement slowly became a life-changing inner journey that
helped me learn much about myself, understand my relationships with others, and acquire skills
that have reduced my anxiety.

One of the first ideas that truly surprised me was how biased and limited our perception of reality
can be. We explored paradigms and premature cognitive commitment, and I realized that in
many situations, I might have wrongfully assumed that my way of seeing things was the correct
one. Donald Hoffman’s theory that evolution favors survival over truth was very challenging and
changed how I judge others and myself. It made me question many of my beliefs and try to be
more open to new ideas and more compassionate toward others.

Understanding how my perception is biased opened the door for me to better understand my
personality. Studying typologies through tools such as the Enneagram, astrology, and the
Implicit Association Test deepened my understanding of identity, revealing strengths such as
adaptability, calmness, and analytical thinking, as well as blind spots such as conflict avoidance
and cultural biases. I realized how my blind spots had caused problems in my past. For instance,
I left my football team because of problems with my coach or did not fight for my rights in many
situations because I avoided conflict. These were low points in my discovery journey, as I
regretted those decisions. Yet, I have learned to see them as steps on my path to learn and grow.

These discoveries also made me aware of two layers of self. The first is the small s self, or ego,
which is the socially constructed self, shaped by roles, social expectations, and norms I have
unconsciously absorbed. This small s self is reflected in patterns of performance and conflict
avoidance. The second is the Big S Self, a higher awareness beyond social masks and
conditioned patterns. Through spiritual teachings and practices, I began to sense this deeper Self:
A calmer, conscious presence that is less influenced by societal pressures.

Exercises such as meditation, reflections on consciousness, and the study of Spiral Dynamics
showed me that I can witness my small s self without being limited by it. This awareness is
freeing because it reminds me that my true identity is not limited to social conditioning but can
be refined through honest self-work.

The high point of this journey was our group project on yoga and PTSD. Learning that trauma
lives in the body and not just the mind felt like someone had finally handed me the missing key. I
realized that I had unprocessed grief from my grandfather’s death and my parents’ divorce, but I
had masked it with silence. For years, I did not talk about those events. The project made me
reconsider how I had processed those losses and wonder if I could have begun healing earlier.

This understanding of trauma became clearer when we studied Polyvagal Theory, which explains
how the nervous system regulates emotional and physical states. By connecting my feelings to

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corresponding nervous system states like shutdown, panic, and calm, I learned to identify which
state I was in and to try to shift toward a calmer one. Recognizing these patterns showed me how
my body was trying to protect me during challenging times. It also introduced useful ways to
manage my anxiety.

The most surprising part of my journey was discovering how much small actions, such as
breathing exercises or movement, could regulate stress. Practicing the “three in, five out”
breathwork and tapping exercises gave me ways to regain control of my anxiety. These tools are
now part of my daily routine, and whenever I feel overwhelmed, I find them very effective. I
shared these practices with my friends to help them manage anxiety during exams.

Our reading on Spiral Dynamics provided a better perspective for understanding my inner
struggles. It describes how people grow through different value systems, starting with basic
survival (Beige), then community (Green), and later integration (Yellow). I saw that I often feel
torn between wanting to fit in (Green) and striving to succeed (Orange). I realized that this
conflict is normal and part of my growth. To deepen our understanding, the professor asked us to
violate a social norm. This was one of the most difficult and awkward exercises because I
discovered how deeply I seek harmony and how strong my fear of social judgment is when I
break invisible rules I had not even realized I followed.

Exploring the themes of spirit and death reshaped my understanding of life, consciousness, and
what it means to live meaningfully. I realized that spiritual growth involves rising above the ego,
purifying the soul, and embracing self-awareness. Reflecting on mortality helped me see death
not just as an end or something to fear, but as a natural and important part of the spiritual
journey. This made me understand the importance of living with purpose, caring for others, and
making good choices. As a Muslim, concepts I thought about while studying spirit and mortality
as the continuity of soul and al-amanah (divine responsibility) and akhirah (the afterlife) offered
comfort and guidance, teaching me that surrendering to God’s will brings inner peace and helps
me enjoy my current life in donia while preparing myself for the afterlife.

All of these experiences and readings changed how I see my identity. I have learned that identity
is not fixed. I am not just one label; it is a continuous struggle to improve, resulting from the
experiences I have been through and what I have learned. I discovered many strengths that I will
strive to improve and many weaknesses that I will seek to avoid. I also became more aware of
the shadow parts of myself, such as fear of conflict and the need to appear strong at all times,
which I had ignored before but now wish to work on.

All of these experiences and readings have changed how I understand my identity. I have learned
that identity is not fixed or simple. I am not defined by just one label; instead, identity is a
continuous journey of growth shaped by my experiences and what I have learned. I have
discovered many strengths that I want to build on, as well as weaknesses I need to work on. I
have also become more aware of the hidden parts of myself, like my fear of conflict, my need to
always appear strong and my anxiety, that I used to ignore but now want to face and improve.