SEED

Written by
Elisabeth Easther

How far would you go to get a life?

26a Kanuka St
0211856619
Characters:
Hillary: female, late 30s
Maggie: female, early 40s
Shelley: female, late 30s
Virginia: female, 37 (and a half)

The fifth actor: male, any age, plays all the other
characters. What fun.

SCENE 1 - HILLARY

The stage is in darkness. A spot comes up on a woman, she is

seated. She takes regular, surreptitious, glances at her
mobile phone before eventually looking at the audience, to
address them directly.

HILLARY
I am at a symposium on Waste
Management. I work for the City so
waste is a big deal, although not
exactly riveting. I check my
mobile, like I’m searching for
something relevant, but I’m
actually waiting for a text. Mostly
all I’ve had is junk. And one from
my partner, George. Do I want fish
for dinner? We’re eating a lot of
fish these days, it's supposed to
be good for sperm motility.
BEAT
Here it is. The message I've been
waiting for. From Mother World, the
fertility clinic that doubles as a
hole to throw money into.
Reproductive Medicine, it even
sounds sterile but talk about big
business. “Please have intercourse
from today and thereafter every 36
hours for the next 7 days. Please
text back ‘yes’ to confirm you have
received this message.”
Interestingly, there is nothing
titillating about being told to
have ‘intercourse’, although it
does mean I’m about to ovulate,
might even be fertilisable this
very minute.
This month I’ve been taking a drug
called Ovanoid, an ovulation
stimulant. I’ve been penetrated
vaginally with an ultra sound wand
wrapped in a condom covered in
lube. And I think I might overdose
on folic acid.
(MORE)
 2.

HILLARY (CONT'D)
I’ve been avoiding caffeine, wine,
cold meat, shellfish, hummus, pate
and mayonnaise, in case of
listeria, which rhymes with
hysteria. Thanks to regular blood
tests I’ve been poked like a
pincushion, and tonight I’m going
to be poked by George.
And I should be listening to these
rubbish submissions, but I just
can’t bring myself to care about
the planet right now.
BEAT
I forward the sex text to George,
shagging starts today and yes to
fish. Text back ‘yes’ to the
fertility people, we have received
their instruction, and will have
intercourse, religiously,
methodically and passionlessly, for
the next seven days. There we go,
George’d obviously been waiting for
the fucking text, because he’s sent
an instant reply with a winking
smiley face. Seven days of
intercourse is still exciting for
one of us.

SCENE 2 - MAGGIE

Maggie and David enter, Maggie addresses the audience while

playing tennis against David. (NB: If the production prefers
it can be badminton, just change the scoring lines)

MAGGIE
I’m playing tennis with my ex,
David. Who also happens to be my
son’s Dad. And yes, I know how
lucky we are to get on well enough
to play tennis. We just didn't need
to stay together to be good
parents. In fact, living apart
probably makes us better parents.

She takes a smash shot but something about it causes her

pain.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
Ooof. I usually play pretty well,
but my game’s off today.

She touches her side where the strange ache is.

DAVID
You all right?
 3.

MAGGIE
Yeah, just some kind of twinge.

DAVID
40 15. How are things with your new
bloke? Is it Shane?

MAGGIE
Sean. And we’re breaking up, if you
must know.

DAVID
What a pity.

MAGGIE
Say it like you mean it.

DAVID
Game to me. Your serve. What did he
do wrong?

MAGGIE
Do we have to talk about my love
life?

DAVID
Love fifteen. Ever think maybe
you’re too fussy?

MAGGIE
Because I won’t settle for less
than awesome?

DAVID
I was less than awesome?

MAGGIE
I didn’t mean you. We broke up
because we fell out of love.

DAVID
So, what was wrong with this guy?

MAGGIE
He’s a man child. Always in a mood.
Although the sex was amazing.

DAVID
I didn’t need to know that.

MAGGIE
Get over it. Ow.

DAVID
Are you ok?

MAGGIE
This really hurts.
 4.

DAVID
Broken heart?

MAGGIE
Don’t be a dick.

DAVID
Sorry. Is it stitch?

MAGGIE
Shouldn’t be.

DAVID
You’re really pale.

Maggie doubles over, bent over her racket.

DAVID (CONT’D)
You should see a doctor.

MAGGIE
I’ve got to go to work.

DAVID
Uh uh, I’m taking you to my GP.

David leads a visibly pained Maggie offstage.

SCENE 3 - SHELLEY

Shelley is chic, she’s wearing great clothes, beautiful

shoes, her hair’s perfect and she has an enviable figure.
She’s sitting at a desk, gazing at her ipad, clearly
struggling with a thought. Frustration and a small amount of
confusion register on her brow. Sighing, she eventually
starts talking.

SHELLEY
I’m struggling to isolate the
Unique Selling Point of a massive
phone company. If you ask me, it’s
stupid that USPs are still sought
in advertising, because nothing’s
unique any more. But what do I
know?

And I’m working my arse off putting

together a presentation to nab this
client, one of the biggest telcos
in the world. Word on the street
is they’re over their agency, so
the vultures are circling, and I’m
up to my eyeballs trying to figure
out what’s one-of-a-kind about
their frickin’ phone service.
 5.

Shelley looks at her mobile, as if for inspiration, and

clocks the time.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
Shit. The kids.

Oxana, Shelley’s uber groovy Russian colleague, chooses this

moment to sashay by, languid in contrast to Shelley’s
fluster.

Shelley grabs her handbag, stuffs things into it, saves

what’s open on her computer, swipes more lippy on, moves to
the elevator, punches the button to call it up.

OXANA
Da. Da. Nyet, Nyet. (And other
Russian stuff)

SHELLEY
Hey Oxana, have a wild one for me,
yeah.

OXANA
You’re not coming tonight, Shells?
It’s going to be crazy fun.

SHELLEY
I’d love to Ox, but this client’s
all I can think about. Plus I have
to get the kids.

OXANA
Kids? What have they ever done for
you? Stretch marks and wrinkles,
that's what.

SHELLEY
Thanks a bunch, but they have their
moments.

OXANA
You breeders mystify me.

SHELLEY
Sometimes we mystify ourselves.

OXANA
Come on, live a little. Scotty’s
got some charlie.

SHELLEY
Don’t tempt me.

Elevator dings.

OXANA
All work and no play Shells.
 6.

Shelly looks rueful but jumps in the elevator that takes her
to the underground carpark where her massive SUV is parked.
All this happens over the next bit of dialogue.

SHELLEY
My colleagues are getting revved up
for a product launch at some fancy
bar. I used to love that shit, a
bump of coke, a glass of Tattinger
and I’d be on my way. But I’m not
in the fast lane any more, and I’m
in the world’s slowest elevator,
just in time to get caught in the
4:30 traffic. Terrific.
BEAT
And I should go to the launch,
schmooze my face off, off my face,
but I promised the kids I’d pick
them up before the after-school
care people put them out on the
street. I’ve only been back full-
time three months, since Ruby
started school and it’s crazy

She jumps in the big SUV and revs the motor. Traffic sounds
kick in.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
And I don't want to be known as the
mother who slacks off, or can't
hack the pace. The few other women
I work with are childless. Most of
the men have kids, but their other
halves (plus nannies) do all the
heavy lifting, which means people
with penises work as late as they
like. And frequently do.
(to another driver)
Watch it, dick. And I really want
my career to take off, if that’s
possible after eight years off.

Fuck this traffic. Matt usually

gets the kids and takes them home,
and to sport, swimming, brownies,
and he normally makes dinner so I
can work late but he’s working on
some big garden an hour out of
town, so I have to wrangle the kids
for the next wee while. Which is
only fair, they are our kids. Fuck
it.

She parks in a squeal of tyres.

 7.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
Ethan, darling. Ruby baby, Mummy’s
here, sorry I’m late. Traffic.
Again. Come on, jump in, let’s go.

SCENE 4 - VIRGINIA

Virginia is assisting at a birth using The Man as her mother

and, like the other characters, she’s chatting to the
audience while getting on with the business at hand.

VIRGINIA
It’s probably pretty obvious right
now but, for those of you not too
quick on the uptake, I’m a midwife.
Which means I help people out. Get
it? It’s the bumper sticker on my
car. “Midwives: helping people
out”. It’s been a pretty easy day,
and this one’s just about done,
whoops there we go. It’s a boy. Oh
he’s gorgeous. I always say that.

Virginia takes the baby doll and wraps it in a blanket,

giving it a little once over.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
During this shift we’ve had a
breach, which happily turned mid
labour, a c section, baby's heart
beat slowed, so we chop chop
chopped her out pronto, and four
normal vaginal deliveries, the
placenta took a bit of urging from
one woman, but we got it all in the
end. There was the usual panting
and puffing, moaning and groaning,
at least from the fathers. And no
stillbirths, no deformities, no
prem babies either. So it’s been a
good day.

She gives the baby all wrapped up to the mother.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
There you go, well done.

Virginia goes to her locker and swaps her bloodied outfit for
civvies, washes her hands and carries on addressing the
audience. The man/mother scoots off with the new baby.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
I’ve been a midwife for 10 years
now, probably assisted at over a
thousand births, but it still gets
me every time.
(MORE)
 8.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Bringing new life into the world is
such a privilege, out pops a person
who draws their first breath on
earth. I love it.

And you know what? It makes me want

to go out and get munted. New mums
aren't in a position to join me,
and it’d be wrong to ask the dads,
although I’d like to with some of
them. So instead I go out on all
their behalves.

Also, I have to go out tonight

because I’m ovulating and I’d like
to make a baby of my own. Which
means I need seed. I texted a few
mates at lunchtime, three didn't
reply and the fourth, my mate
Shelley who works in advertising,
she replied to say she’s on her way
home, busy with the kids, stuck at
the lights which I’ve taken as a
maybe.

Virginia dials a number. Shelley, in the car with the kids,

answers.

SHELLEY
V, talk to me.

VIRGINIA
Hey you, I bet you’re gagging to
hear all about my day.

SHELLEY
I’d love to but I've just grabbed
the kids. Matt's working late,
we're fifteen minutes from home,
the traffic is pants. I've got to
get them fed, bathed and in bed.
They're starting to fight and I'm
shattered.

VIRGINIA
Sounds like you need a blow out.
BEAT And I need a wing-man.

SHELLEY
Can’t babes, I have to work when
they’re down.

VIRGINIA
At least let me pop round, I can
help with the kids, we can have a
wine or two, then I’ll leave you to
it.
 9.

SHELLEY
TO THE KIDS Would you stop
fighting.

VIRGINIA
Tell them they can’t fight or
they’ll scramble the few eggs I
have left. I think I’m ovulating
right now, and I’m so horny.

SHELLEY
Shhh, you’re on speakerphone.

Shelley and Virginia exit the car and locker room

respectively and immediately they’re at Shelley’s.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
Ethan, homework. Ruby, wash your
hands. I’ve no idea what’s for
dinner.

VIRGINIA
I ordered pizza. Ruby, you’ll find
my iphone in my purse when your
hands are washed.

SHELLEY
You are so good with children.

VIRGINIA
It’s a gift.

Virginia takes a bottle from her handbag and opens it.

SHELLEY
Just a half for me.

Virginia pours, they clink and sip.

VIRGINIA
Whatevs.

SHELLEY
And what the (whispers) fuck’s this
about you ovulating?

VIRGINIA
My iphone told me I'm good to go.
So yes the fuck.

SHELLEY
Your iphone told you? And you gave
it to Ruby?

VIRGINIA
You can’t get pregnant from it. I
should be so lucky.
(MORE)
 10.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
It’s a new app, called the Periodic
Table and, according to its
scientific wisdom, I'm good to go
for the next three/four days. Which
means I need a shag.

SHELLEY
Shhh. Children only listen when
they’re not meant to hear.

VIRGINIA
You said fuck.

SHELLEY
I whispered it.

VIRGINIA
How about I use big words? Ooh, I
could do with a jolly good
inseminating.

SHELLEY
Do you have anyone in mind?

VIRGINIA
No. Any random baby batter’ll do.

SHELLEY
You want to get knocked up by a
stranger?

VIRGINIA
Yep.

SHELLEY
How are you going to find this
stranger?

VIRGINIA
The usual way, hit a bar and get
hammered.

SHELLEY
You’re serious.

VIRGINIA
Yep.

SHELLEY
And not tell them you're ovulating?

VIRGINIA
I don’t think that would help.

SHELLEY
You can’t lie about it.
 11.

VIRGINIA
My clock's ticking. Can’t you hear
it?

SHELLEY
What about diseases?

VIRGINIA
Don’t be a priss. Besides, most
diseases, you can tell if somebody
has them.

SHELLEY
Bollocks. You should know better
than that.

VIRGINIA
I’m a midwife, not a saint.

Shelley refills their glasses

SHELLEY
This isn’t how you make a baby, V.

VIRGINIA
Actually it is, and I'm 37. And a
half.

SHELLEY
That's hardly over the hill.

VIRGINIA
And I want a child. Look at you,
married to Mr Right, two gorgeous
kids. I want one.

SHELLEY
It’s like stealing.

VIRGINIA
It's not stealing if the guy shags
me of his own free will.

SHELLEY
It is if you aren’t honest about
your intentions.

VIRGINIA
I can’t afford to adopt, to go
abroad and get a foreign one like
Angelina. I’d probably get an
alcoholic or an HIV one. And I'd
like one that isn't too much work,
so I need to make it myself.

SHELLEY
You want a baby that isn't too much
work?
 12.

VIRGINIA
You know what I mean.

SHELLEY
Of course I do, I'm just not sure
you’re going about it the right
way.

VIRGINIA
You have to come out with me. If I
go on my own I'll look like a slag.

SHELLEY
I can’t, Matt’s not home for ages.

VIRGINIA
I'll tell Ruby about that time in
Palmerston North when you...

SHELLEY
Here's a deal, and not because you
just threatened me. Some people
from work are at a product launch
tonight, some new vodka. When Matt
gets home, I'll take you there.
Introduce you to a few people, then
head straight home. OK?

VIRGINIA
I love you. You know, if you were a
fella I’d...

SHELLEY
You’d shag me, I know. And I'm not
doing this because I approve, but
because I understand.
(beat)
Don't you dare tell Ruby what
happened in Palmerston North.

VIRGINIA
Promise.

SCENE 5 - MAGGIE

Maggie takes a seat with her back to the audience. Lights

up. Dr Fancy Pants follows her on. Maggie unbuttons her
blouse, clearly having an examination, talking over her
shoulder to the audience.

MAGGIE
And somehow I ended up here, seeing
David's doctor. Sharp pains in my
side, and still the quack wants to
fondle my baps.
(MORE)
 13.

MAGGIE (CONT'D)
(Examination) Boobs are given the
all clear, so he decides to go for
a good ol’ browse down there.

I reckon my IUD's shifted, because

this is a very strange place for a
pain. The doctor wasn't so sure,
offered no answers and sent me for
blood tests.

Dr Fancy Pants exits and Maggie does up her clothing, gets

out her phone and sits down to face the audience

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
Back home, according to Google, my
vague symptoms point to either an
aneurism, pregnancy, or cancer. Or
all three. Although I can’t be
pregnant, because of the IUD. Which
means I’m terrified I have cancer,
or that I’ll die in the night of a
clot. This pain in my side is
probably the clot making its way to
my heart. And I can’t bear the
thought of Joe being motherless. I
wish I hadn’t broken up with Sean.
I don’t want to be alone right now.

SCENE 6 - HILLARY

Hillary and George enter. During the following monologue,

Hillary simulates intercourse with George while talking to
the audience. They begin in the traditional missionary
position. George enters Hillary.

HILLARY
After a riveting day listening to
public submissions on Waste
Management I’m not feeling
particularly sexy. Tired? Yes.
Hungry? Yes. Horny? No. Still here
we are, having it off.

The funny thing is, I fell pregnant

with my daughter Edith, who’s with
her dad tonight which is handy,
while I was on the pill. So when
George and I started trying, I
never thought it’d be difficult.
(To George) This isn’t working, do
you want to try from behind?

GEORGE
Yep, ok.

Hillary moves to her hands and knees and keeps on talking

while George starts shagging her from the rear.
 14.

HILLARY
Yet we have had three miscarriages,
two break ups, two reconciliations.
And now we’re getting medical help.
Partly on account of my age, 39,
and also to try to avoid another
miscarriage.

GEORGE
(muttering)
Come on, come on, come on...

HILLARY
I wish he’d just hurry up and come.
(To George) Do you want to lie on
your back?

GEORGE
Yep ok.

Hillary straddles George in what the writer believes is

called the ‘front facing cowgirl’.

GEORGE (CONT’D)
Oh yeah.

HILLARY
This usually does the trick. Come
on George, fast game’s a good
game, not that I can say that, it
wouldn’t help. Ah, there he goes...
groan groan, sigh, exhale done.

(To George as she climbs off)

Can you finish the salad, I should
stay prone, let nature take its
course.

GEORGE
Yep ok.

HILLARY
I can’t even pretend I enjoyed it.

George exits to finish the salad and Hillary calls out to

him.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
Also, can you check the quinoa
hasn't boiled dry.

GEORGE
(offstage)
Yep, ok.

Exit Hillary.
 15.

SCENE 7 - SHELLEY

Virginia and Shelley are still drinking in Shelley’s kitchen.

VIRGINIA
I just don’t think, at 37, and a
half, I can risk waiting to meet a
decent man, at least not while I’ve
still got two eggs to rub together.

SHELLEY
Stop banging on about the age
thing, you’re not that old.

VIRGINIA
Maybe I should change jobs, cos
I'll never meet a man at work. I
could be a lawyer. Or an
accountant. A zoo keeper? How
about I join the army?

SHELLEY
Maybe Matt could give you some
seed.

VIRGINIA
I thought about that. Shells, could
you pop out for a bit while Matt
and I - ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah!

Enter Matt.

SHELLEY
Yeah, you’re right, it’d be
complicated.

MATT
Hi V. Hi babe.

He kisses them both, first Virginia on the cheek and then

Shelley, a big fat kiss on the lips. He clearly adores her.

SHELLEY
Your dinner’s in the oven

VIRGINIA
Pizza!

SHELLEY
And I have to nip out quickly with
V. I shouldn’t be long.

MATT
Sweet. Another one V?

Virginia holds her glass out and Matt fills it up.

 16.

SHELLEY
Matt takes it pretty well, arriving
home to find his wife a bit pissed,
and about to head out with an even
pisseder girlfriend who’s plotting
her ovulation on her iphone so she
can make a baby with an
unsuspecting stranger. He’s such a
darling, not that I told him any of
that. He wouldn’t understand.

Shelley kisses Matt back and gives his butt a squeeze,

talking over his shoulder as they hug.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
Because I work in advertising, the
moral bar is set quite low while
he’s a landscaper, which is pretty
wholesome.

Lighting change, Virginia and Shelley enter the bar.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
It’s as awful as I imagined it’d
be.

VIRGINIA
This is great.

SHELLEY
The men are either buff, too cool
for school or too drunk to fuck, or
all three. But it's as good a place
as any to get laid.

The women grab some shot glasses.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
There they are, my colleagues. The
tall blonde one is the
receptionist, Oxana, she looks like
a bitch but she's not. The guy
beside her is Jim, a junior
creative, nice guy, fun, smart. And
the others are accounts people,
probably not your type. Although
you can't cop off with anyone I
work with.

VIRGINIA
I promise, just introduce me, I’ll
take care of the rest.

Virginia skulls the two drinks, grabs another and she’s ready
to party. Shelley calls her introductions out across the bar.
 17.

SHELLEY
Hi Guys. Great party. This is my
friend Virginia.

Shelley looks at her phone.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
Oh shoot, it’s Matt, excuse me. (On
phone) Hi darling. What's the
problem? She what? Are you sure I
need to come home? Really? You
can't deal with it? OK, I'll be
back quick as I can. (To the gang)
Looks like I’m going to have to go
home, problem with one of the kids.
But Virginia, you stay. Tell me all
about it tomorrow.

Shelley leaves and goes straight back home to the sofa, into
Matt’s loving arms.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
Matt is delighted to see me home so
soon.

MATT
I thought you’d be home at 4am
stinking of booze.

She sits on the sofa with Matt, and keeps talking but not to
him unless stated.

SHELLEY
(to Matt)
You really do have a low opinion of
me.

MATT
Come a little closer.

SHELLEY
(to audience)
And because I wont get anything
productive done, I settle in next
to my beautiful husband. He is so
handsome. (To Matt) You are so
flipping hot. Do you know that?

And one thing leads to another. On

the sofa, up against the kitchen
bench, in the shower and finally in
bed, where we fall asleep in each
others arms.

Exit Matt
 18.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
Sometimes I feel guilty that I
married such a fab man, and that we
have two great kids while poor
Virginia has no kids, no partner
and dearly wants both, or at least
one. So I understand the lengths
she’d going to, to make a family of
her own.

SCENE 8 - VIRGINIA

Virginia is making the most of the product launch party.

VIRGINIA
It's 1am and I'm tying one on. The
dancing is out of control,
everyone's pretty much simulating
sex acts, which is promising, it's
the party's golden hour, and it
won't last. I've been pulling
people onto the dance floor,
scouting for the father of my
child, not only do I need to get
someone home, he also needs to be
up to the job. I might be very
pissed, but I haven't forgotten why
I'm here. I imagine, as I shimmy,
that I feel little twinges inside
me, the tiniest nudge that might
indicate an egg rolling into
position. Although, with the
amount I've had to drink, it's a
miracle I feel anything at all.

She gets up and starts dancing vigorously. Stuart/Stephen

enters and starts dancing nearby.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
The crowd has thinned, Jim is
making passes at me which I have to
ignore which is very difficult. I
finally round up a guy who works at
a gym. He's a little thin on top,
but well built without being over
worked and, while he's pretty
drunk, I'm confident he's not a bad
guy and, judging by the bulge I
felt when we were dancing, he's
still capable of, you know. I ask
him to come home with me only I
can't remember his name and call
him ‘big boy’ although I think his
name is Stuart.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Taxi!
 19.

In the taxi, the male actor playing Virginia’s prey is very

drunk but doing his best to be keen, or at least conscious,
as they fool around.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
We grab our coats and jump in a
cab. Back to mine, I tell the
driver. Only in the taxi things
turn awkward, so I make chit chat.
Hey Big Boy, what's the name of the
gym you work at? But he doesn’t
answer, maybe he thinks I’ll stalk
him. As if.

At Virginia’s.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Back at mine, things are even more
uncomfortable. Maybe he's nervous,
or just really pissed, so I take
command before either of us passes
out. I take him to my bedroom, push
him back on the bed and remove his
shoes. Next I work on his belt and
trousers. He's still playing coy,
hard to get. I wonder if he's
worried about getting it up, so I
halfheartedly fondle his dick and
balls. I’m pretty munted myself.

But we've come this far so I do

everything I can think of to get
him to perform, but he won't, he
just can’t. I briefly contemplate
giving him a blow job, to be
polite, but I can't be fucked.

You can leave if you want to.

He looks like he’s passed out.
Fuck, please don’t tell me I'm
stuck with him. (LOUDLY) Hey
Stuart, wanna know something funny?

STEPHEN
(groggy, barely awake)
It’s Stephen.

VIRGINIA
Ooops sorry. But do you want to
know something funny? You want to
know why I was so keen to get you
home? And have sex with you? I'm
ovulating, and I want to make a
baby. I take my temperature every
morning with this thermometer and I
do a little test, with my mucus...
That does it.
(MORE)
 20.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
Stephen/Stuart, whatever his name
is, lurches out of bed, fumbles for
his shoes and trousers, and that’s
the last I see of him.

At least I tried.

Stephen does indeed lurch out as Virginia passes out.

SCENE 9 - HILLARY

Hillary enters.

HILLARY
After three days of appointment
shagging, and four more to go, the
passion has entirely left the
building. But we'll keep at it
because it's become an obsession.
I love Edith more than I can say,
and I'd hate George not to know
that for himself. Of course he
loves Edith too, but it's not the
same.

As a rule, I’m not a counselling

sort of person, I much prefer to
bottle things up. But this evening
I go to a group session that’s run
once a month by the clinic. George
chooses not to come which is fine -
he's been doing quite enough of
that lately as it is.

She crosses and sits.

There are eight women a couple of

men plus the counsellor, we range
in age from late 20s to mid 40s,
all telling stories of failure
triumphing over hope. One woman
describes treatment as being like a
gambling addiction. You keep on
giving it one more shot till you’re
broken or broke.

Another woman starts crying, and

the counsellor nudges a box of
tissues towards her, whilst
simultaneously saying in a low
calming voice, “it’s normal for
people to feel helpless, or
confused but keeping your mind
clear of worry is a very important
part of making babies.”

(MORE)
 21.

HILLARY (CONT'D)
“Stay positive,” the counsellor
offers, and don’t give up”. Which I
later learn is what she says at the
end of every session.
And now I need to go home and have
sex. Whoopee.

Hillary exits.

SCENE 10 - MAGGIE

Maggie enters, she is seeing Dr McLeod, who is Scottish if

the actor is confident with accents.

MAGGIE
The last few days I’ve been feeling
woozy, my vision’s blurry and I am
so tired I feel like lying down in
the street. My ex’s doctor ordered
some blood tests which came back
inconclusive and, to be honest, I’m
terrified.

I’m not sure what’s worse, cancer

or brain disease, both of which I
might have, according to Google. I
go see my own doctor, because I
didn’t really trust David’s fancy
pants quack.

Dr McLeod enters and sits down.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
I’ve been seeing Dr McLeod since I
left school and she’s great.

DR. MCLEOD
Maggie, good to see you. How can I
help?

MAGGIE
I describe my symptoms and Dr
McLeod makes notes, nods and asks
the occasional question.

DR. MCLEOD
Let’s start with blood pressure.
That looks fine. Temperature?
Nothing raised there. When was your
last period?

MAGGIE
March 12. (TO AUDIENCE) I remember
that because it was my birthday.
 22.

DR. MCLEOD
That could be the problem. You’re
two weeks overdue.

MAGGIE
My periods are never regular.

DR. MCLEOD
It’s still worth checking. Take
this dish to the bathroom, do a wee
tinkle and trot back with it.

MAGGIE
(TO AUDIENCE) I don't want to do a
wee tinkle (to Dr M) I've got an
IUD, it’d be a waste of a pregnancy
test.

DR. MCLEOD
I'll also be looking for a urinary
tract infection, so just pee in the
dish would you please.

Maggie walks off stage and returns immediately with a pottle

of pee.

DR. MCLEOD (CONT’D)

Thank you. I'll check for white
blood cells, first. Looking good,
no UTI. And now for the rabbit
test.

The two women sit quietly as they watch the little test
change colour, Maggie’s eyes fixed unblinkingly on it.

MAGGIE
I know it’s silly, but I’m still
nervous.

DR. MCLEOD
Well there's your answer, my dear.
No brain tumour. No embolism. No
aneurism. Just pregnant. Fancy
that.

MAGGIE
Fancy that?

DR. MCLEOD
Sure beats having an incurable
disease.

MAGGIE
What about the IUD?

DR. MCLEOD
They’re only 99% effective.
 23.

MAGGIE
Did I know that?

DR. MCLEOD
I would have told you. And the
brochure you’d have taken home
makes it perfectly clear.

MAGGIE
But I'm 43. I'm too old to be
pregnant. And no one reads the fine
print.

DR. MCLEOD
43 is very young these days. A lot
of women are still trying for their
first child at your age.

MAGGIE
This is the first of countless
times I’ll be made to feel guilty
for getting pregnant when I was
trying so hard not to be.
(To Dr M) I already have a child, I
don’t want another. I’m not even
with the father any more.

DR. MCLEOD
What do you want to do?

MAGGIE
I don’t want to be pregnant.

DR. MCLEOD
You’ll need to have a scan
regardless, see where the device
is, ascertain if it's ectopic,
which often happens with an IUD.

MAGGIE
When do I need to get that done?

DR. MCLEOD
I'll get you in today.

MAGGIE
But I've got to go to work.

DR. MCLEOD
Call in sick, I'll write you a
note.

MAGGIE
I'm the flaming boss and we're
understaffed as it is, I can't not
turn up.
 24.

DR. MCLEOD
I know this is a lot to take in.
You're pregnant when you thought
you couldn't be, and there's a
strong chance it’ll terminate of
its own accord. And if it doesn't,
it's easy to get an abortion.

MAGGIE
An appointment for a scan is made,
and Dr McLeod writes me a script
for iodine and folic acid, in case
I change my mind. I take it because
I don’t want to be rude.

Dr McLeod exits.

I go to pay the receptionist but

there's no charge. She
congratulates me. Like being
pregnant is a good thing. I want to
call Hillary. She'd make silly
suggestions for baby names, joke
about forceps and episiotomies,
then I'd have an abortion. But I
can't call Hillary, that wouldn't
be fair.

Maggie exits.

Scene 11 - Shelley

Shelley enters

SHELLEY
At work, my colleagues all look
pretty seedy except for Oxana who
looks amazing, Russian woman are
clever like that.

OXANA
Shellushka, you missed great party
last night.

SHELLEY
(To audience) I really want to know
if V’s eggs were fertilised, but I
can’t ask the ox.

Did Virginia get home all right?

OXANA
I lost track of her towards end. I
think she left with some guy, but I
was pretty smashed up so cannot be
sure. She is fun girl.
 25.

Oxana exits with a wiggle.

SHELLEY
I know it’s wrong, what Virginia
was planning - to have a stranger
knock her up - but part of me hopes
she pulled it off.

Scene 12 - Virginia

Virginia enters, and makes herself a Berocca.

VIRGINIA
I wake up feeling pretty shabby.
Actually, I feel like shit although
considering the amount of booze I
drank last night, I should feel a
whole lot worse. It's a pity the
guy I dragged home didn't deliver,
but it would've been tragic if we
had made it that far. He was
munted, I was munted and my poor
little egg, it's probably fried.
According to my iPhone though, I'm
fertile for another three days.

After tea, toast, vitamins, shower,

Panadol, two glasses of water, more
Panadol, I grab my uniform from the
clean washing, feed the cat, take
out the rubbish, get in the mail.
Just an ordinary day, with a mild
dose of alcohol poisoning thrown in
for good measure. The thing is,
I've seen that many babies pushed
out of birth canals, but only
lately have I craved a baby out my
own. I'd definitely have a Caesar.
Birth is so not natural.

Virginia gets in her car.

It’s funny how some people have no

problem meeting and mating,
procreating, there are no barriers
to breeding for some. Lesbians with
their best male mate, gay men with
donor eggs and gestational
carriers. One woman, her husband
died of cancer but she had his
sperm frozen when he was diagnosed.
Some women use their sister’s eggs,
even their mothers when their own
are no good. I’ve seen it all. And
there are so many single women
using donor sperm and the….

(MORE)
 26.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
I nearly crash the car. That’s what
I need - donor sperm.

Virginia exits.

Scene 13 - Hillary and Maggie

Hillary enters, and lies on her back with her legs in the
air. Maggie enters and also lies with her legs in the air. Dr
Gene swans in.

HILLARY
I’m so grumpy I could scream. If I
didn’t know better I’d say my
period was due, although science is
convinced I’m ripe to conceive.

DR GENE
There, that’s a fine looking
follicle, can you see it, there in
your left ovary. Looks like a real
beauty.

HILLARY
I bet he says that to all the
girls, I sure as hell can't see a
thing on the ultrasound screen.

DR GENE
Today’s the day, my girl. If I were
you I’d give that George of yours a
call and have him take his lunch at
home today, if you get my drift.

Dr Gene gives Hillary a wink before moving over to Maggie.

HILLARY
So I took the rest of the day off,
George came home for lunch and now
I’m lying here trying to thwart
gravity. I refuse to let a single
sperm escape.

Dr Gene puts a dish containing a speculum and gloves by

Maggie’s feet.

DR GENE
Hello Maggie, shall we have a
little peek inside.

MAGGIE
Right now the specialist is about
to remove the IUD from beside the
zygote.
 27.

DR GENE
I’ll just have a little look
around, see where the device is and
if we think we can get it out
without causing undue harm, we'll
do that.

MAGGIE
I wish the procedure would cause
undue harm.

HILLARY
If it doesn't work this time, the
next cycle we're upping the ante
with the ever so romantic sounding
Artificial Insemination. Lucky old
George will wank into a jar, and
the best looking sperms will be
sluiced inside me. No sex, no
worries, no mess. Which actually
sounds rather appealing.

MAGGIE
The specialist is very neutral with
me, although it's fair to assume
someone with an IUD doesn't want a
child.

HILLARY
The first cycle we just assumed
it'd work. We knew we could get
pregnant the old-fashioned way,
having done that three times. And
now, with all this help, we can’t
even conceive. This is our 4th go
with sex and drugs. Which sounds
way more rock n roll than it is.
According to the stats, 4% of women
my age conceive, four fucking
percent, and fewer still accomplish
a live birth.

DR GENE
65% of implantations with an IUD
turn out to be ectopic, and 35% of
embryos are dislodged during the
removal of the device. But don't
think too much about statistics
right now. We'll just get started
and let you know as we go what
we're doing and what we see.

MAGGIE
I wish he’d just shut up.

HILLARY
And I worry too, if we stop the
treatment, it'll be the end of us.
(MORE)
 28.

HILLARY (CONT'D)
Childlessness will be like a
disease, and it'll kill our
relationship. He'll find someone
else really easily, because single
men in their 40s with no baggage
and their own hair are thin on the
ground and he and the new woman
will have a baby within one year of
getting together. That's what will
happen if I stop treatment.

DR GENE
There we go, all done.

Dr Gene drops a little metal thing into a metal kidney dish

with a ting. He takes off his gloves, whisks away the sheet
and exits.

HILLARY
I feel like crying, but I don’t
want to conceive with tears in my
eyes, so I text Maggie. I haven’t
seen her in ages and I’m sick of
not drinking in case I get
pregnant. I want mayonnaise, and
cold meat and oysters. And a whole
bottle of chilled pinot gris to
wash it all down.
Wanna go 4 a drink?

MAGGIE
Shit, it’s Hillary.
“Would love to c u, but no sitter
this eve.”

HILLARY
“I could come to u”

MAGGIE
There’s no way I can see Hillary.
“Crazy busy with work, up 2 ears.
How about weekend?”

HILLARY
“Pretty please, I’m upside down
catching seed, need something to
look forward to because life
sucks.”

MAGGIE
“Oh darling, I cant. This weekend 4
sure?”

HILLARY
I suspect I’ve bored my best friend
stiff, banging on about making a
baby. Maggie never says no to a
drink. And I really miss her.
 29.

Hillary exits.

Scene 14 - Maggie

Maggie gets up and puts her shoes on.

MAGGIE
They tell me I'm six weeks
pregnant, that I should make an
appointment to see my doctor as
soon as possible as I'll need to
sort things out. As to what needs
sorting out, the kindly medical
professionals leave that hanging -
an abortion or an obstetrician -
that's up to me.

Maggie exits the surgery and pulls out her phone to make a
call during which Sean enters upstage.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
I call Sean, because it's not fair
me having to deal with this on my
own.

Sean declines Maggie’s call, then listens to her message.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
And the dick is screening my calls,
“Hey dude. We should talk. It's
kind of hard to say what I need to
say on a message, but I went to the
doctor today and I need to talk to
you. Sooner rather than later?
Hope you're good. OK, you know my
number so call me please. When you
can.” I'm shit at leaving
messages. I can't believe he
didn't answer.

Sean dials Maggie. Her phone rings, she answers.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
It’s Sean. (Answering) Hi, how ya
doing?

SEAN
Pretty good. What's up?

MAGGIE
It’s a bit of a long story,
actually it’s a short story, or a
strange one.

SEAN
Have you got some kind of disease?
 30.

MAGGIE
No.

SEAN
S'what it sounded like. You’ve been
to the doctor? You have to talk to
me?

MAGGIE
(TO AUDIENCE) Shit, this isn’t how
I meant it to go. But, no point
beating round the bush.
(TO SEAN) I’m pregnant.

SEAN
You're joking.

MAGGIE
It’s not actually funny.

SEAN
You said you had one of those
things.

MAGGIE
I did, till this morning.

SEAN
How do you know it's mine?

MAGGIE
Process of elimination, I’m about
six weeks and you're the only
person I've slept with in the last
eight months.

SEAN
Is that supposed to be flattering?

MAGGIE
I just thought you should know.

SEAN
Yeah well it's pretty fucking out
there. Calling me at work, after
we've stopped seeing each other to
tell me you're pregnant. And you
always spun that line about us not
always needing condoms and now
you're conveniently knocked up.

MAGGIE
I'll be having an abortion, I just
thought you should know.

SEAN
Why would you do that?
 31.

MAGGIE
Ah, because I don't want to have a
baby.

SEAN
Are you sure?

MAGGIE
That I'm pregnant?

SEAN
That you want an abortion?

MAGGIE
We are not having a baby. I just
want some support.

SEAN
(BEAT) Why don’t you come down to
the shop? I can lock up for a bit.
We're not busy.

They hang up. Sean exits.

MAGGIE
Why did I call him? Dammit
Hillary, you’re the only person I
want to talk to and now look what
I’ve gone and done.

Scene 15 Shelley

Shelley enters and sits as if to meditate

SHELLEY
Work's driving me mad. There's too
much on, not enough time, tonnes of
pressure, clients never satisfied.
But this weekend, I promised my
family I'd give it a rest so before
they wake up, I'm trying to find
some inner peace. I even promised
to turn my phone off one whole day,
although whether that's feasible is
another matter. The poor kids have
had after school care every day
this week, been picked up late by a
frazzled mother who provides
increasingly boring school lunches,
not to mention fast and unwholesome
dinners. (Beat) And they never
complain. (Beat) And then Matt,
who works just as hard as me if not
harder, said I should have a little
me time today, do anything I want.

Shelley finishes her meditation and is joined by at what is

now a table at a restaurant by Virginia.
 32.

VIRGINIA
You are so lucky. I don’t know any
other husbands who give their other
halves as much me-time as yours
does.

SHELLEY
Sometimes I wonder if he has a
terrible secret. Who’s that
perfect, right?

VIRGINIA
Hire a private eye.

SHELLEY
He did hint it’s due to the great
sex we’ve been having lately.

VIRGINIA
Shut up.

SHELLEY
Did you get any action the other
night?

VIRGINIA
Came close but in the end, he was
too drunk. We both were.

SHELLEY
Free vodka can do that.

VIRGINIA
I wish you’d let me have that guy
you work with.

SHELLEY
Thank you for not going there. Was
there any action during your
fertile patch?

Shelley pours them more wine.

VIRGINIA
Not a whiff. And the hangovers
were wretched. But I've had a new
idea since then. I'm making a list
of all the nice guys I know - old
flames, brother's friends, just
guys I know, and I'm going to ask
them for spoof. We can use a turkey
baster if they don't want to
actually sleep with me.

SHELLEY
I love it. Start with your exes.
The good ones.
 33.

VIRGINIA
That’d be Andy, Don and Bryce.

Shelley starts to take notes on the back of a napkin.

SHELLEY
What about the guy who played
groomsman to your bridesmaid at
your cousin’s wedding.

VIRGINIA
Kevin, good thinking. And also
Mike, Kerry’s brother, he seems
nice.

SHELLEY
Workmates?

VIRGINIA
There's one consultant who's
recently divorced … nah, he's a bit
hoity toity.

SHELLEY
What about that gay guy you used to
go clubbing with.

VIRGINIA
Bronson. He got a boyfriend,
Fergus. Bronson and Fergus! I
haven't seen them for ages, but I
like the idea of a gay dad.

SHELLEY
And Matt’s mates Geoff and Chaz,
it’s worth asking them.

Shelley goes through the list.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
OK so that’s Andy, Don, Bryce,
Kevin, Mike, Bronson, Fergus, Geoff
and Chaz. Nine guys. Surely one’ll
say yes.

VIRGINIA
I hope so.

SHELLEY
You’ll be a great mum, and I can
get all our old baby stuff out of
the attic. I’ve been saving it for
you.

VIRGINIA
You sure you don’t want another
baby?
 34.

SHELLEY
Hell no, three’d kill me.

Shelley exits and Virginia is now back home

Scene 16 Virginia

Virginia is back home, on the sofa, holding the phone and the
napkin with the names on it. A bottle of wine sits in front
of her.

VIRGINIA
Nine men, one of them’s got to say
yes. And I can't wait for Mr
You’ll Do forever. I’m 37 and a
half, my clock is ticking and every
day I watch women give birth, while
my own uterus gathers dust.

Fuck it, I’m going in.

She picks up the phone and dials a number.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Hello Andy, my favourite boyfriend
of all time. Ready or not, here I
come.

We went out when we were at school

and when Andy left town to go to
university, we ended it. We were
young, it was cool. My mum bumped
into Andy's mum a while back and
reported he was single.

She presses the call button.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
This’ll be a blast from the past.

SFX: phone dial tone.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Perhaps he’s dreaming about me and
wishing I'd call.

Someone answers.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Hi, is Andy there?
(To Audience) Shit, it’s a woman,
sounds a bit officious for a
flatmate. (To phone) Um it's
Virginia. An Old friend. Virginia
Brown. BEAT. Mowing the lawns? BEAT
Yeah it’s kinda important, and
it’ll only take a few secs.
 35.

Andy enters, wearing mowing clothes and earmuffs round his

neck.

ANDY
Hello?

Virginia takes a big slug of wine.

VIRGINIA
Hi Andy, it's Virginia. Virginia
Brown. Hi, hi, look, I know this is
going to be a bit of a surprise,
and I have to confess I’ve had a
couple of glasses of wine, but look
this is a bit awkward, you see I'm
nearly 38, and I've not met anyone,
and I'm not sure if you have a
partner, not that I'm asking you to
be my partner or anything, but I
really want to have a child and I
can't think of anyone nicer than
you to do it with, to provide the
seed at least.

There is a pause, Andy says nothing. Virginia takes this for

encouragement.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
If you wanted to. I mean, I know
you'd need to think about it, and
we’d need to talk more about it,
but what do you reckon?

ANDY.
(sounding keen)
Ginnie, wow, what a surprise. Look,
I'd love to help you out

VIRGINIA
Really?!

ANDY.
But I’m married.

VIRGINIA
The woman who answered the phone?

ANDY.
Megan. We've been married for 3
years and we've got 2 kids. I don't
think it would be fair on her or
them.

VIRGINIA
Wow, I had no idea. I thought you
were single, my mum bumped into
your mum and said you were.
(MORE)
 36.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
That was probably a long time ago.
Or maybe it was some other Andy’s
mum.

ANDY.
Soooo.... How are you anyway?

VIRGINIA
Oh you know, nearly 38, single,
childless.

ANDY.
You'll find someone.

VIRGINIA
Oh I'm fine, I'm busy, I'm a
midwife, how’s that for ironic? But
I'm happy, a bit pissed right now,
but everything's great. Mostly.

ANDY.
You'll find someone. Nice girl like
you.

VIRGINIA
I'd better let you get back to the
lawns.

ANDY.
Yeah, Megan’s cracking the whip.
Lily's turning 2 tomorrow, and
there’s a bit of a party, a bouncy
castle, all the bells and whistles.

VIRGINIA
Congratulations.

ANDY.
Good luck Ginnie. Patience,
grasshopper, you'll get there.

The call ends and Andy exits.

VIRGINIA
That dented my confidence. Next
one has to be better. Number two is
Don, another ex, but a more recent
one. Facebook tells me his status
is complicated, but that's not a
problem. I can see he still enjoys
a drink, cheers to that. Enjoys
mountain biking and is in a band
now. We broke up because I was
keen to settle down and he was
younger than me and still wanted to
party.
(MORE)
 37.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
But there's no reason he wouldn't
wank in a cup for old time's sake.
And his number's still in my phone.

She presses some buttons.

Don enters.

DON
Speak.

VIRGINIA
Hi, Don?

DON
Yeah, who’s this.

VIRGINIA
Virginia. You know, Virginia Brown?

DON
(not exactly thrilled)
What do you want?

VIRGINIA
I launch into my preamble, with
slightly less confidence after
Andy’s knock back.

So whaddaya reckon?

DON
Man, I know so many chicks like
you, desperate for kids, no man in
sight and I have to say it’s not
pretty. It’s like every bitch I
meet’s on heat, sizing me up for
what's in my ball sacks.

VIRGINIA
Don doesn’t sound particularly
happy, or kind.

DON
You're the third chick who's asked
me this year, and it scares me. And
no, I can't help. Don’t you know
there’s a population problem?

They hang up. Virginia crosses him off the list.

VIRGINIA
Strike 2. I think I’ll skip 3, 4,
5, 6 7 and go straight to Bronson.
Gay men are more open than straight
ones.
(MORE)
 38.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
And Fergus and Bronson are so cool,
we were in the same indoor netball
team. So I know they’re good
sports.

Virginia dials Bronson’s number.

BRONSON
(offstage)
No it’s my phone Fergie, I’ll get
it.

Bronson enters.

BRONSON (CONT’D)
Helloooooo.

VIRGINIA
I do my spiel. Tripping over my
words, probably slurring them too.
So, whaddya reckon?

BRONSON
Honey, what an honour that you're
asking us to do something so
special for you.

VIRGINIA
My heart leaps, this is it.
Bronson’s going to say yes. Mission
accomplished. (To Bronson) And you
wouldn't have to have sex with me
or anything.

BRONSON
Oh darling, we'd love to make a
baby with you, we really would,
Fergus and I think you're fabulous.

VIRGINIA
And I think you and Fergus are
fabulous too. Obviously there'd be
a bit to discuss, details to work
out, but you are so amazing.

BRONSON
(Under the previous sentence) Yep,
uh-huh, hold on darling, back up
the truck. The only problem is
we're fathering our friend Teresa's
child. She's five months and three
days, and while we're totally
excited, I don't think we could do
it with someone else as well.
(Beat) Darling? Hello?
 39.

VIRGINIA
Wow. Congratulations, you’ll be
great dads, well done.

BRONSON
We’re so sorry. Aren’t we Fergie?
Sad face.

VIRGINIA
Not to worry, I’ll let you get back
to decorating the nursery. And if
you need a midwife, or anything...

She hangs up.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Fuck.

Bronson exits.

SCENE 17 - HILLARY

Hillary enters, she is at the gym, boxing a punching bag.

HILLARY

I usually spar with Maggie but

she's been a bit busy so I'm
working out on my own. Got my
bloods back today, and the
pregnancy hormone indicator, the
HCG, the levels had risen a little
but not enough to be pregnant.
Which means our latest attempt,
something implanted but didn't
stick. Although I still have to go
back for another blood test in two
days just to be sure.
I wonder what's wrong with me.
Although I'm pretty good at putting
on a brave face. The nurse at the
clinic, when she called, urged us
to skip artificial insemination and
go straight for IVF. It didn't
take much to convince me. She kept
saying “at your age” like I'm on my
last eggs. For sensitive health
professionals, the team at Mother
World are really good at sales.
The basic thrust is, I'll be given
huge injectable doses of hormones
and, like a battery hen, I'll be
forced to ovulate at maximum
output.
(MORE)
 40.

HILLARY (CONT'D)
Every day I'll have a blood test,
every other day a scan and then
they'll harvest as many eggs as
I've managed to produce and dear
old George will get to masturbate
into a jar. And the cost? Not
much change from 14,000. I kid you
not.

Hillary’s mobile rings, she stops boxing to answer. George

enters for his end of the phone call.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
You got my message?

GEORGE
I’m so sorry darling. Where are
you?

HILLARY
At the gym, boxing on.

GEORGE
I wish I could say something to
make it better.

HILLARY
I know. And I want to talk to
Maggie, but she’s sick of me
harping on.

GEORGE
Maggie does not think you harp on.

HILLARY
S’what you think.

GEORGE
Go see her tonight, I've got loads
of paperwork to catch up on, so I
won't be lonely. I’ll look after
Edith, and you pop over to Maggie's
with a bottle of something.

HILLARY
I love you darling.

GEORGE
I love you too.

George’s heart aches for Hillary. He exits.

Hillary puts on a cardigan, grabs a bag including a bottle of

wine and goes to Maggie's door.
 41.

SCENE 18 - MAGGIE

Using the miracle of theatrical time lapse, Hillary knocks on

Maggie’s door, holding a bottle of wine and a little bag of
treats. Maggie twitches the curtain to see who’s there.

HILLARY
Hello, it’s me. Surprise.

Maggie peeks round the corner.

MAGGIE
Shit. It’s Hillary. I can’t see her
right now, but I can’t pretend I’m
not here either because the lights
are on and the car’s in the
driveway. Shit.

Maggie stays still, her back to the door, frantic but static.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
Bugger.

HILLARY
Helloooo. Mags, are you there?

Maggie puts on a brave face and opens the door to Hillary,

the wine and the treats.

MAGGIE
(faux bright)
Darling, what a surprise.

They hug.

HILLARY
Sorry I didn't call first but I
knew you’d say you were too busy
and George offered to stay home
with Edith and I missed you. So
here I am.

MAGGIE
Yeah, what’s all that about? I’ve
missed you too.

The friends hug.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
Come on in, Joe’s asleep and, I
know it sounds pathetic but I was
just about to pass out too, but for
you, I’ll stay up an extra hour.

Maggie grabs some glasses, pours them both wine, arranges the
snacks on a plate.
 42.

HILLARY
Cheers. Ahhhh... that tastes so
good.

Hillary polishes off her first glass very smartly and reaches
for another.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
I haven’t had a drink in so long,
and I want to get tipsy pronto.

MAGGIE
Have one for me.
(aside)
Because the smell of wine, much as
I want it, makes me want to spew.

HILLARY
That feels good.

MAGGIE
I take it you’re not knocked up.

HILLARY
I promised myself I wouldn’t go on
about it. I had this awful idea,
because I’ve not seen you for ages,
that you’ve been avoiding me.

MAGGIE
No, no, no, no, no, I’ve just been
really busy.

HILLARY
It’s so good to hear you say that.
Not only am I barren, I’m also
paranoid. It’s probably the drugs.

MAGGIE
You’ll make it work, just don’t
give up.

HILLARY
We’re not throwing in the towel
yet, but this last time I felt so
hopeful. I mean, I take all the
pills, they look at actual eggs
inside me, tell us when to have
sex. I don’t get how it doesn’t
work.

MAGGIE
It is a mysterious business. BEAT
What next?

HILLARY
We were going to up the ante with
artificial insemination.
 43.

MAGGIE
Sounds like something you do to a
cow.

HILLARY
Moo, right. George’s jiz blasted up
me by some posh doctor all decked
out in Donna Karan.

MAGGIE
I can imagine.

HILLARY
But they've talked us into going
straight for IVF.

MAGGIE
The whole hog.

HILLARY
I promised I wouldn't go on about
it.

Hillary’s getting a little emotional.

MAGGIE
I am interested, I want to know
where you're at.

HILLARY
Thank you. It’s the PMT, makes me
feel like a weepy old blouse.

MAGGIE
I'm sorry you felt abandoned. But
I've been so busy, work’s piling
up, and there’s Joe, and breaking
up with Sean...

Tears well up in Maggie’s eyes.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
Fuck, I think I’m going to cry. I
do not want to cry.

While she does everything can not to, she starts to cry.

HILLARY
Darling, Mags, what's wrong?

Hillary’s voice is filled with concern, while Maggie is now

gulping back huge sobs. Hillary puts her glass down and puts
her arms round her friend.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
Maggie, you have to tell me what’s
going on. I can’t help you if I
don’t know what’s making you cry
 44.

Maggie shakes her head, she just can’t say.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
You’re my best friend. I couldn’t
bear if anything happened to you.
I’m not leaving till you tell me
what’s upsetting you.

Hillary is crying now too, certain her best friend has got
cancer.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
Oh my god, you’re sick. You’re so
pale, you’re going to bed at 8 o’
clock. Are you dying? Please don’t
die, I couldn’t live without you.

Maggie struggles to get her sobs under control.

MAGGIE
I'm not dying.

HILLARY
Oh thank God. I’m such a dick.

MAGGIE
I’m pregnant.

Hillary is gob smacked, Maggie lets it sink in. The moment is

drawn out agonisingly before Maggie carries on.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
In spite of the IUD, in spite of my
age, in spite of everything. And I
told Sean today, which didn’t go
well and it’s awful and I want it
to just all go away.

Hillary is aghast, and struggles to ask the next question.

HILLARY
What are you going to do?

MAGGIE
I'm having an abortion. So I have
been avoiding you, because I feel
so damn guilty.

HILLARY
Fuck.

Hillary and Maggie exit in different directions.

If there is to be an interval, this is where it goes

 45.

SCENE 19 - VIRGINIA

Virginia is seated, waiting for Rupert one of the guys she

phoned in the previous scene. He’s so not Mr Right, or even
Mr Right Now but she is on a mission.

VIRGINIA
Against my better judgement, I’m on
a date with the only guy who didn't
give an outright ‘no’ when I
approached him to donate seed.
Rupert saying yes so easily should
have caused alarm bells to ring. He
wasn’t on the original list, but I
did a dive course with him and
figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. He
was a bit weird, a bit touchy
feely, but he had no obvious
glitches on his DNA. He passed the
course which wasn’t that easy and
after we graduated as basic divers,
having spent a freezing day under
the water one autumn we became
friends on Facebook. He recently
updated his status to single, so I
gave him a poke, to see if he
wanted to give me one.

Rupert approaches with two drinks. Beer for him and wine for
Virginia.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Thanks.

Virginia takes a big drink.

RUPERT
Woof, but you’re looking good.

VIRGINIA
Thanks.

RUPERT
Been diving much?

VIRGINIA
No. No boat, no gear, makes it
tricky. I just did the course for
when I go on holiday. How about
you?

RUPERT
I mainly go for crays with the guys
from work. We get heaps more than
we can even eat
 46.

VIRGINIA
Isn’t it wrong to take more than
you need.

RUPERT
Yeah, but who’s going to tell?

Long awkward pause. Virginia looks at audience: WTF??

RUPERT (CONT’D)
So you want to make a baby? Or was
that just a joke? I never can tell
with chicks.

VIRGINIA
I think I’m serious. And I can’t
really ask the men I work with.
It's not appropriate to say to a
guy, “how about a drink after this
one’s stitched up?”

RUPERT
Are you sure you want to? Birth
sounds pretty painful.

VIRGINIA
I think it is, but there are loads
of drugs you can take.

RUPERT
I’d be in to that.

Another awkward pause.

VIRGINIA
Do you come here often?

RUPERT
Yeah. Hot Shotz is my local. I love
sports bars.

VIRGINIA
Quite a fitting name, considering
why we’re meeting.

RUPERT
(laughs, beat, doesn’t get
it)
What?

VIRGINIA
Hot Shotz.

RUPERT
Oh, I get it. Hot Shotz.

Another awkward pause.

 47.

VIRGINIA
So, how’s work?

RUPERT
I just changed jobs, still in IT,
but with a different company now.

VIRGINIA
Interesting. Is it fun?

RUPERT
No.

They sit for a bit, not sure what to say.

VIRGINIA
Look Rupert, you seem like a really
nice guy, and I like that we don't
really know each other. I think
it's better that way. I don't want
a conventional relationship. You
know meet someone, fall in love,
get a mortgage, start a family.
That's not for me. Well it
would've been, if I'd met someone.

RUPERT
I want to father your child.

VIRGINIA
Great. There'd be a lot to talk
about, details to discuss ...

RUPERT
When do we get to do it?

VIRGINIA
Not straight away. For a start I’m
not ovulating right now.

RUPERT
What’s that? Like your period.

VIRGINIA
No, quite the opposite.

RUPERT
I’ll get us some bubbles to
celebrate. Actually I prefer beer,
but do you want another drink.

VIRGINIA
Vodka tonic. Double please.

Rupert goes to the bar.

 48.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
I cannot do it with him. It
wouldn’t be right. I’ll have to
fork out for a donor, it’ll be
better in the long run. I mean he
seemed normal, dull but normal. Bit
of a mouth breather but nobody’s
perfect only I just can’t do it
with him.

Virginia skulls what’s left of her drink, grabs her bag, and
scurries out, hunched down so as not to be seen. Rupert
returns with the drinks, and sees she’s gone. He looks about,
he realises she’s gone. He deflates.

SCENE 20 - SHELLEY

Shelley enters, she’s about to give the big presentation to

snare the telco client, having a last minute practise in the
ladies, trying it out in front of the mirror.

SHELLEY
And while these may sound like
unorthodox plans for expanding into
new territories, the times call for
unorthodox measures. And the
climate is ripe for those who dare
to win.

Shelly starts to gag and quickly puts her papers and folders
down and rushes just offstage to vomit

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
God I knew I was nervous... but
bleooouch, I’ve never been so
freaked by a presentation as to
spew. Bleooouch

Shelley sicks up. Oxana cranes her head around the door.

OXANA
Are you ready Shelley? They are
waiting for you.

SHELLEY
Just coming.

OXANA
Shit, Shellushka, are you OK?

SHELLEY
All good, I think the sushi
might’ve been off but I’m fine,
tell them I’m on my way.
 49.

OXANA
I’ll get a mint. Unless you want
vodka? In Russia, we give vodka to
settle stomach.

SHELLEY
A mint will be fine. Vodka later.

Oxana exits, and Shelley tries to pull herself together.

SCENE 21 - HILLARY

Hillary enters, she’s holding a brown paper bag, the type

favoured by medical laboratories. She’s about to pull
something out of it when her phone rings.

HILLARY
BLOCKED comes up on my phone. Means
it’s the clinic. I’ve come to dread
their calls. It’s never good news.
Hello.

Hillary listens for approximately 10 seconds while making the

appropriate uh huh sort of noises. George enters.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
If you think it’s best, so do we.
Thank you.

She hangs up.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
Turns out I’ve produced
significantly more eggs than they’d
anticipated.

GEORGE
It’s like all our Easters have come
at once.

He kisses her.

HILLARY
The clinic wants to know if I’d
like a general anaesthetic for the
extraction, as it’s quite a process
getting them out. So I just said
‘yes’ to an extra $700, on top of
the 14 grand we’ve already forked
out.

GEORGE
If they were getting those eggs out
of my ovaries, I’d definitely get a
general.
(MORE)
 50.

GEORGE (CONT'D)
My shout, this round’s on me. BEAT
Have you spoken to Maggie since the
other night?

HILLARY
We’re officially avoiding each
other.

GEORGE
She could probably do with a friend
right now.

HILLARY
I know, and I want to be that
friend but I’m so mad with her. And
I can’t help it.

GEORGE
Could she give it to us?

HILLARY
It wouldn’t work.

GEORGE
At least send her a text, she’ll be
struggling right now.

Hillary sighs but accepts this and exits with her phone.
George follows a short moment afterwards.

SCENE 22 - MAGGIE

Maggie enters and sits, she is driving herself to the clinic.

MAGGIE
I dropped Joe at his dad's, because
I need to be at the clinic by 8am.
He's such a sweet kid. He had no
idea where I was going, or that I'm
pregnant and soon won't be, but he
must've sensed something because,
when he got out of the car, he gave
me a super long hug and said how
lucky he was to have me for a mum.

She pops a pill and looks close to tears.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
Valium. I figure if I neck it now,
it'll have kicked in by the time I
get to the clinic. You're supposed
to bring a support person, but I
couldn't ask Hillary and there's no
one else I could ask. My folks
wouldn't approve, they wouldn't say
anything, but to them there's no
reason I can't have this baby.
(MORE)
 51.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
I just want it over and done with,
and I don't feel guilty. If it
wasn't for the IUD failure, I
wouldn't be in this pickle. I
didn't want to take Sean either, he
actually wanted it. So I'm on my
own. But not alone ...

Damn, this traffic is fucked, mmm,

but the Valium just kicked in.
Hello baby. Whooof, I feel very
relaxed.

A sob wells up, which takes Maggie by surprise.

Bloody hormones. Here it is. The

clinic doesn't need a sign,
protestors with placards about
unborn children being part of the
family do the trick quite nicely.

She gets out of the vehicle, and is in the clinic. She takes
a magazine and starts flicking through it.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
You think they'd be a bit more
careful with the magazines.
Princess Kate and her royal bump.
Fuck sake. And more babies inside.
News reader loves her new baby and
loves being back at work too.
Husband wants enough for a rugby
team. Motherfucker.

Maggie’s phone gets a text.

MAGGIE (CONT’D)
It’s from Hillary. “Good luck with
your abortion”. Cheers.

Maggie thinks, considers everything, then gets up and exits.

SCENE 23 - HILLARY

Hillary returns to the stage with the paper bag and

container. George follows.

HILLARY
Come on then...

GEORGE
Come being the operative word.

Hillary removes a little plastic specimen jar from the brown

paper bag
 52.

HILLARY
How do you want to do it?

GEORGE
The usual way, I guess..

HILLARY
Do you want me to help? I feel like
I should help.

George isn’t sure what the right answer is.

GEORGE
I should probably do it myself, but
you can ... assist.

HILLARY
I’ll hold the jar.

GEORGE
It’s not a very wide aperture.

HILLARY
You’re a good shot.

George turns with his back to the audience and kneels on the
floor, Hillary hovers with the little container. George
starts wanking. After 15 or so seconds of him wanking Hillary
speaks.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
Are you sure you don't want to get
up on the bed?

GEORGE
The come will be easier to catch
this way.

HILLARY
It’s up to you.

He wanks some more. Hillary kneels beside him.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
How are you going?

GEORGE
(snaps)
I’ve only just started.

HILLARY
Sorry.

After another awkward minute Hillary starts to edge nearer

with her little cup.

GEORGE
You’re not helping.
 53.

HILLARY
Sorry. Do you want me to play with
your balls?

GEORGE
No!

For some reason Hillary finds this funny, not the good funny,
the bad funny where you get the giggles when you shouldn’t.
George continues to wank as Hillary tries not to laugh but
eventually she succumbs.

HILLARY
I’m sorry. It’s not funny.

GEORGE
Then why are you laughing.

HILLARY
You’re right, this is a very
serious business. I do apologise.

She continues to suppress her laughter badly.

GEORGE
Just get out, please. I can’t do it
with you hovering and giggling.

HILLARY
Sorry. Do you want to look at my
tits.

GEORGE
No! Go!

Hillary exits, now wracked with laughter.

GEORGE (CONT’D)
Don’t take the fucking jar.

She returns, still in stitches and gives him the jar, he

snatches it and places it in position while still wanking.

GEORGE (CONT’D)
Get out.

She goes. George closes his eyes, throttling his poor penis
ever tighter, his breathing changes, his movements quicken
and he sighs as he tries to get the jizz in the jar. He takes
a big post orgasm breath and calls out

GEORGE (CONT’D)
It’s done.

He puts the jar into the paper bag. Hillary edges back in,
waving a white tissue.
 54.

HILLARY
How was it for you?

GEORGE
There’s more on the floor and on my
hand than in the pot. But at least
it’s done.

HILLARY
I wish my bit was as fun as yours.

GEORGE
That wasn’t fun.

Neither of them look very happy. This is no way to be born.

They both exit.

Scene 24 - Shelley

Shelley enters and sits at her desk, she’s playing on her

iphone.

SHELLEY
The presentation didn't go too
badly, despite me vomiting just
before it, and nipping out twice
during, but I got away with it.
I thought we stood a pretty good
chance. The next day the client
met with another agency, they
preferred what they heard there and
went with them. All that work on
spec, for nothing.
Everyone in the agency is
miserable. I've got a pretty hard
shell, but I could easily burst
into tears.
When the boss called me into his
office to discuss it, I was tempted
to throw in the towel. And he
couldn't have been kinder, people
get fired after shit like this. He
poured us both a whiskey, and it
made me spew.
I was mortified, which is why I'm
hiding out playing Angry Birds. I
haven't vomited for years and
lately I can't seem to stop.

Shit. One little slip. I even

thought about getting the morning
after pill, but I didn't have time.
I can't be on the pill because it
messes with my head. After Ruby was
born I asked Matt to have a
vasectomy but he said he wasn't
ready.

(MORE)
 55.

SHELLEY (CONT'D)
Shit, shit, shit. I can't be, but
deep down I know I am.

She grabs a desk calendar and counts dates.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
I have to tell Matt.

She dials Matt’s number, it rings a few times but she hangs
up before he answers.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
But I can't tell Matt because he’d
never agree to an abortion, with
his mum, and his hundred sisters,
and his pope. Maybe it’s stress, or
stomach flu, please just anything
but pregnant. I’ve got my life back
on track, my figure, my career.
There’s no room in the house, we’d
need a bigger car. We can’t have a
third.

Scene 25 - Virginia

Virginia is watching TV, drinking wine when Shelley barges

in. Virginia is so startled, she spills wine on herself.

VIRGINIA
Jesus, Shell, haven’t you heard of
knocking?

SHELLEY
I’m sorry to barge in but something
terrible’s happened.

Virginia is pretty tired and sighs unsympathetically.

VIRGINIA
(to audience)
I’m tempted to tell her I have
problems of my own, but that’s not
fair.
(to Shelley)
What’s got your panties in a
bunch?

Virginia pours a big glass of wine for Shell.

SHELLEY
Something really fucked.

VIRGINIA
You do look like shit.

SHELLEY
Because I'm pregnant.
 56.

VIRGINIA
Wow, that’s great.
(beat)
It is great, isn’t it?

SHELLEY
No it is not great. I don't want
another child.

VIRGINIA
Imagine if we did it at the same
time.

SHELLEY
This is not the start of a coffee
group.

VIRGINIA
Keep your hair on. Are you sure?

SHELLEY
Without a shadow of doubt.

VIRGINIA
Have you done a test?

SHELLEY
I haven't had a period for 6 weeks,
booze makes me want to chunder,
although I'll persevere with this
thank you very much.

She takes a massive gulp of wine and looks like she will
spew.

VIRGINIA
You sure drinking’s a good idea?

SHELLEY
Have you got any fags?

VIRGINIA
I don't smoke, and neither do you.

SHELLEY
I need to take it up again. I’ll
have a miscarriage.

VIRGINIA
Shhh, let’s do a test. It could be
an ulcer, or a tumour, or
menopause.

SHELLEY
I know I am pregnant.
 57.

VIRGINIA
What do you want? A medal? Go pee
on this.

Virginia hands Shelley a pregnancy test, Shelley exits

begrudgingly. The following lines are said through the toilet
door.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
When was your last period? And the
last event of unprotected sex?

SHELLEY
I don’t know. I’m not a filofax.

VIRGINIA
Some women know their cycles very
well. I do. Thanks to the periodic
table, which is fascinating.

SHELLEY
Shut up about your cycle. I'm
pregnant, and I don't want to be.

Virginia is calm in the face of Shelley’s outburst, her

health professional persona kicking in.

VIRGINIA
I got that, but we need to confirm
it. And if you are, then we’ll
figure out what to do.

Shelley comes back out, gives the stick to Virginia and they
wait in silence.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
There you go, two little pink
lines. You were right. It’ll be
fine.

They’re on totally different wavelengths.

SHELLEY
It’s not fine.

VIRGINIA
When I stop feeling jealous, you
will be delighted.

SHELLEY
V, you’re so wrong.

VIRGINIA
A precious little baby.

SHELLEY
It'll be born pissed.
 58.

VIRGINIA
A couple of glasses of wine wont do
any damage, just don't drink any
more.

Shelley heads back to the wine and starts necking it

SHELLEY
I want to flush it out. I don't
want to be a mother of three.

VIRGINIA
You'll love it once you have it.

SHELLEY
I’m not having it. I've just got
the last one off to school.

VIRGINIA
Shell, there’s a new life inside
you.

Virginia rubs her own stomach, and imagines for a moment the
baby is hers.

SHELLEY
I don’t want it.

VIRGINIA
So have an abortion. Just don’t
come to me with your problems.

SHELLEY
Look, I know this is unfair.

VIRGINIA
Give it to me.

SHELLEY
I can’t.

VIRGINIA
Tell Matt you got fat, then nine
months later get un-fat.

SHELLEY
What about the kid?

VIRGINIA
We don’t have to tell it.

SHELLEY
What if it falls in love with Ruby
or Ethan?

VIRGINIA
The child would prefer adoption to
abortion.
(MORE)
 59.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
Although as a feminist, I totally
respect your right to choose.

SHELLEY
I would love to transfer this child
from my body to yours, but I can't.

Shelley takes another deep swig of her wine, it tastes foul

but she wants to seal the deal.

VIRGINIA
Please don't drink, the babies with
foetal alcohol, they’re totally
messed up.

SHELLEY
(louder than she intends)
V, I'm not having this baby.

VIRGINIA
The little stick with the pink
lines tells me you are.

Shelley is unable to argue that point.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Go home and tell Matt, it’ll be ok.

SHELLEY
I can’t tell Matt. He’ll want to
have it and I can't. I just can’t.

VIRGINIA
Even if you don't have it, you have
to tell him. He’ll figure it out.

SHELLEY
You must know how to get rid of
these things.

VIRGINIA
I'm a midwife.

SHELLEY
But you know about vaginas and
cervixes and ovaries.

VIRGINIA
I bring babies into the world. Go
talk to your doctor, abortions are
easy to get, as we both know, but
you have to tell Matt.

SHELLEY
No I don’t.

VIRGINIA
It's his baby too.
 60.

SHELLEY
He’d never forgive me.

VIRGINIA
He's your husband.

SHELLEY
Yeah, well it’s my body.

The two women will never see eye to eye, and can only agree
to disagree.

Shelley exits.

Scene 26 - Hillary

Hillary is plucking her chin hair.

HILLARY
Time passes very slowly in the
midst of the ten day wait. It’s
been five days since two embryos
were squirted inside me, and all we
can do is wait.

So I spend a fair bit of time in

chat rooms aimed at women who are
TTC, which stands for Trying To
Conceive. Countless stories of
struggle and loss, the occasional
woman hits the jackpot, urges the
others to keep trying.

Maggie enters, she sits and starts knitting.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
I hate them all, their acronyms, DH
stands for Dear Husband, euch, I
hate how they call their frozen
embryos snow babies, and their
odious magic baby dust, which is
supposed to make it all stick,
makes me want to spew.

For something new, I google

“fertility drug cancer link”.
Apparently there is one. I didn’t
know that.

SCENE 27 - MAGGIE

Maggie continues knitting.

 61.

MAGGIE
I haven’t knitted since primary
school but my nesting instinct’s
kicked in. I hope the baby wants to
wear a scarf. If I actually think
about it, I'd freak out, but I'm
just taking one day at a time. And
there are quite a few days to go.
197 to be precise. I told Joe,
yesterday and he was completely
excited, never questioned where it
came from or how it got there, or
asked about the father, he’s just
amped to be a big brother. Sean is
over the moon, I get the feeling
he’d move in and play house if I
asked him to. Although I won’t.
It’s very easy for people to move
in, but quite another to have them
move out.

Hillary and I haven’t had much to

do with each other since I told
her, I know she’s struggling. Of
course it’s not fair that I’m
pregnant and she’s not. I did think
about giving it to her, but I
can’t. And I should feel guilty,
but I don’t. Second trimester. I
feel amazing.

SCENE 28 - SHELLEY

Shelley enters, and takes her shoes off. Her feet are sore.
Matt enters from the other side.

MATT
Hey babe.

Shelley looks like she might cry. He goes to hug her.

MATT (CONT’D)
What's one client when all's said
and done?

Shelley doesn’t respond.

MATT (CONT’D)
Hey, we have each other, the kids,
our health, the house.

SHELLEY
I’m pregnant.

Matt is shocked but delighted.

 62.

MATT
Far out, that’s amazing, we’re
going to have a baby. And we
already have one of each so it
doesn't matter what we get, not
that it ever matters. We're going
to have a baby. Geronimo, I'm so
excited.

He picks her up and swings her round, then realises she might
be fragile.

MATT (CONT’D)
Sorry, shouldn’t throw you round.
Do you want to sit down? It is very
late, you need to rest.

SHELLEY
It’s only six weeks, there’s every
chance I’ll miscarry, so don’t get
too excited.

MATT
Shhhh, I’ll make you a cup of tea.

SCENE 29 - VIRGINIA

Virginia enters, she makes a phone call.

VIRGINIA
I’d like to make an appointment to
talk about sperm. Donors. I’m
single, nearly 40, no partner, and
I want a child. Tuesday? 11am?
Perfect.

She ends the call.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Up until now, I’ve spent my entire
adult life trying not to get
pregnant, or getting rid of the few
that slipped through the net. And
now this.

I can’t believe Shelley had the

nerve to tell me she wants an
abortion. If she was a real friend,
she’d give it to me. I’d have done
it for her. I bet she keeps it.
I’ll put money on it. Which means I
need to get pregnant pronto, so we
can do it together.
 63.

SCENE 30 - HILLARY

Hillary enters.

HILLARY
I went for a blood test this
morning, and I have to be honest
I’m pretty excited, I have a good
feeling about this one. When Karen,
the nurse calls, the tell tale
“BLOCKED” pops up on the screen. My
heart leaps into my mouth.

She takes a deep breath and answers, ready for good news.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
Hi. Yeah, I can talk. What’s the
story?

HILLARY (CONT’D)
But there is some HCG. Surely
there’s still a chance.

Hillary hangs up.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
I go straight to Google, to check
the numbers. There are loads of
women who’ve had a low HCG and gone
on to have healthy babies. So, we
have to wait two more days.

I’m not even sure how we got here.

I always said I’d never do IVF,
but, after coming so close to
another baby so many times, I just
can’t give up.

She shuts her eyes, hoping it’ll all go away when her phone
rings.

SCENE 31 - MAGGIE

Maggie enters, it’s her calling Hillary. Hillary eventually

opens an eye, looks at the caller ID and ignores it.

MAGGIE
(leaving a message)
Hi Hills, it’s me. I’m really sorry
I haven’t seen you lately, I know
it’s complicated. I don’t know
where you’re at, and I’m well you
know... and I’m terrible at
messages but I'm trying to say I’d
love to see you, if you think you
can bear to see me. I miss you like
crazy. And I love you.
 64.

Maggie ends the call, and Hillary looks at her phone again,
at the missed call and exits. Maggie follows suit.

SCENE THIRTY TWO - SHELLEY

Shelley enters and sits in the waiting room that Maggie ran
out of, at the abortion clinic.

SHELLEY
To explain my epic morning
sickness, I tell my colleagues I
have yet another evil hangover.
It’s much cooler where I work, to
have got so drunk you’re vomiting
the next day than to be pregnant.

That’s not the only lie either.

Right now Matt believes I’m on a
business trip, I just bunked off
work with a sickie but I'm actually
having a termination. I'll go to a
motel to sleep it off, come home
bleeding, blame the flight. I’ll
tell Matt I’m sorry, and pretend
I’m upset. 50% of pregnancies end
in miscarriage, or something like
that. I know I’m a terrible person,
but that’s too bad.

She stays onstage

SCENE 33 - VIRGINIA

Fertility clinic waiting room. Virginia enters and sits down.

VIRGINIA
I stick out like a sore thumb,
coming alone to a fertility clinic.
I bet I have ‘spinster lady
checking out donors’ stamped all
over me.

Hillary and George enter and sit.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
Everyone else is accompanied. One
woman's even brought a baby. I'm
not sure if that's insensitive, or
maybe it's supposed to make us feel
like people get lucky sometimes.
I've been browsing the sperm menu,
obsessively. And what a MENu it is.
Some of them sound amazing. I wish
I could meet one of these guys in
real life. Although they're
probably better on paper.
(MORE)
 65.

VIRGINIA (CONT’D)
I'm here for my second ethics
session, as there's a lot to
consider when using a stranger's
jiz to make a baby on your own. A
lot of red tape. But the more they
talk me through it, the more right
it feels. I'm so excited.

She stays onstage

SCENE 34 - HILLARY

Fertility clinic waiting room. Hillary and George are still

seated.

HILLARY
Blood test number two confirmed the
clinic's suspicions, and what
little optimism I had left
evaporated. The low levels of HCG
mean something implanted, lasted a
day or two, maybe a week, then
gone. In my heart it feels like
another miscarriage. I foolishly
drag George to a meeting of
eggoholics anonymous. He was
reluctant, but came anyway. We go
around the group, everyone's
invited to share their story. When
it's George's turn...

GEORGE
As Hillary said, we’ve just had
another unsuccessful frozen embryo
transfer.
(speaking directly to
Hillary)
My darling, is it time to give up.
You already have Edith, we both
love her and I feel like you’re
going through all this because I
haven't had a child of my own. I
hate seeing you go through this
hell, and I feel like it’s all my
fault.

HILLARY
He asks the group what they think
and unanimously they egg us on,
insist we do one more round of IVF,
one last round of roulette.

They stay onstage

 66.

SCENE 35 - MAGGIE

Maggie enters, still knitting, the scarf is super long now.

She makes as if to launch into a big speech, drawing a large
breath.

MAGGIE
All good here.

She exits.

Scene 36 - Shelley

Shelly is still at the abortion clinic

SHELLEY
Despite the Valium, I took a couple
more than the stated dose, and
despite this being my only option,
I can’t stop crying.

I feel so bad about Virginia who

would kill to be in this position,
like me, solvent, happy home,
loving husband, two kids and
another on the way.

But if I had this, I’d have to say

good bye to me. Even if Matt did
all the childcare, I’d go
backwards, I’d drown.

Shelley gently curls into the foetal position, stays onstage.

Scene 37 - Virginia

Virginia is waiting to have a consultation at the fertility

shop. George and Hillary are there too.

VIRGINIA
It’s funny, this waiting room. I’ve
been here a lot lately and I’m not
always the only woman on my own.
Although mostly it’s tense looking
twosomes. I’d quite like to strike
up a conversation. But I suppress
the urge.

I’ve been poring over the great big

book of wankers, and I’ve made my
shortlist. Whittled it down to one.
An engineer with dark hair and
green eyes, 6’1” and a pilot in his
spare time. Yeah, I know, bullshit
or what, but he’s who I’ve come
for, and he’s come for me and today
it’s going in.
(MORE)
 67.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
I’ve called Shelley about a hundred
times to tell her we’ll be having
our babies together. I think she’s
avoiding me, but she’ll get over
it. Wish me luck.

Virginia exits

Scene 38 - Hillary

Still in the fertility waiting room, with George.

HILLARY
We’re giving it another go, our
fifth. They’re putting in three
this time, which they never do, but
with so many failures, they figure
it can’t hurt. Shows how little
faith they have in our embryos. And
we’ve agreed to keep hammering away
till all the embryos are thawed. We
made 13, lucky for some.

In the waiting room, I wonder who

has a cup of sperm in their
handbag, who’s about to be
inseminated, whose belly is stuffed
with eggs like so much caviar. And
I hate how, every time we try, I
spend the following two weeks over-
reading every thing my body does.
Before they even put it in I know
the birth date.

Every twinge I read as a hint of

implantation. I’ve done at least
thirty secret pregnancy tests, days
too soon, just in case there’s the
faintest indication.

George and Hillary head for the exit as Maggie enters, they
pass each other.

HILLARY (CONT’D)
And everywhere I go I see pregnant
people.

Scene 39 - Maggie

Maggie is doing pregnancy yoga to a DVD or just plain dancing

with the joy of her own pregnant body.

MAGGIE
What can I say? Don’t trust IUDs.
I told my parents yesterday, they
were pretty cool.
(MORE)
 68.

MAGGIE (CONT'D)
They wonder how I’ll manage but
they’re delighted. They love
grandchildren. And I think I might
be falling in love with Sean,
although that’s probably second
trimester horniness. Fuck, whoops
sorry, trying not to swear in front
of the baby, but far out, it is so
good.

I don’t want him to move in, but I

am totally cool with him being here
all the time, which is different
from moving in. Don’t ask me how,
it just is.

Maggie exits.

Scene 40 - Shelley

Shelley is still curled up in the foetal position,

recuperating at a motel. Virginia enters and goes to her

VIRGINIA
What are you doing in this skody
motel?

SHELLEY
I’m on a business trip.

VIRGINIA
Pretty shit business.

SHELLEY
If you must know, I sorted my litle
problem, and I’m taking a night to
get over it.

VIRGINIA
You sorted your little problem?

SHELLEY
I wasn’t going to tell you, but
after ignoring your last 34 calls,
I finally answered because I
thought you were having a crisis.

VIRGINIA
Quite the opposite, I wanted to
tell you something exciting.

SHELLEY
What?

VIRGINIA
I made a baby yesterday with some
pilot/engineer I’ll never meet. And
it was really expensive.
 69.

SHELLEY
All babies are expensive. However
you make them.

VIRGINIA
I still don’t understand how you
got pregnant.

SHELLEY
Fucks sake V, you're a midwife, do
you need a lesson in biology? BEAT
I asked Matt to have a vasectomy
after Ruby was born. Why isn’t it
his fault?

VIRGINIA
Maybe it would’ve messed with his
manhood. And he was raised
catholic.

SHELLEY
Which is why he thinks I’m on a
business trip.

VIRGINIA
I’m all for women’s rights, and
your freedom to choose, but you’ve
got two kids, how could you kill
the third?

SHELLEY
Fuck off.

Virginia is stung and exits.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
I got home from my 'business trip'
and faked horror to find I was
bleeding. Matt wanted to take me
to hospital, to see if anything
could be done, but there was no way
I was going there. I told him
that, on the net, it said unless
the bleeding is out of control, I'm
better at home. The kids are
driving me mad and I think Matt's
grief is infectious.

But I do not regret my decision.

Scene 41 - Virginia

VIRGINIA
I’m on to my third go using fancy
pilot spoof and I had my bloods
done today so the nurse could ring
any time from now.
(MORE)
 70.

VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
The team at Motherworld say most
people doing donor insemination
take a few goes. And I’ve really
cleaned up my act. No booze, mostly
organic food as much as anyone can
afford it.
And I feel great. No morning
sickness anymore, hangovers that
is. I do worry sometimes how I’ll
manage on my own, I’ve had a few
speed wobbles, but everyone has
those. It’s natural to worry. And
I’d much rather have a baby on my
own than with the wrong man. That
happens all the time and I bet it’s
crap.

SCENE 42 - HILLARY

Hillary and George enter, and during this scene Hillary is

roughly dumping old baby gear, clothes, toys and books, into
a big storage tub.

GEORGE
Hillary come on, be reasonable.

HILLARY
I am. But this is all your fault,
we’re doing all this for you.

GEORGE
But you want one too.

HILLARY
I want one, but you need one.

GEORGE
Let’s just stop. I don’t like
seeing you like this.

HILLARY
We’ve come too far to stop.

GEORGE
Look what it’s doing to us.

HILLARY
Look what it’s doing to me. All you
have to do is jizz in a jar, while
I fill myself with drugs, my
stomach is black and blue from
injections. I’m subjected to so
much indignity and what about you?
BEAT
(To audience) I knew I was being
unreasonable but I couldn’t stop.
 71.

GEORGE
I don't want a child if it’s going
to drive a wedge between us. I'd
like to have sex without being told
to in a text message. I miss us. I
love Edith, and if that's the
closest I get to having my own
child, that's fine with me. I love
you.

George continues to implore her, but no sound comes out of

his mouth. She watches him for a while, trying to imagine
what he's saying but literally not hearing.

HILLARY
On and on he went. But nothing he
said made me feel better.

George exits, Hillary stays on stage.

Scene 43 - Maggie

Hillary goes to Maggie’s door with her big tub of baby gear,
she’s still in a bit of a state but holding it in. She
knocks, Maggie answers.

MAGGIE
Hi.

HILLARY
Sorry I’ve been a bit distant. I am
happy for you. I really am.

MAGGIE
I’ve missed you like crazy. Come
in.

Maggie goes to hug Hillary, it's awkward, Hillary tries to

avoid touching stomachs.

HILLARY
I can’t stay, but I wanted to give
you some bits and pieces. I’ve been
hoarding baby stuff and while I may
need it back some day, you need it
more right now.

MAGGIE
That is so kind. Are you sure?

HILLARY
There are lots of onesies, some
cool toys, booties, knitted things.
A really good breast pump.

They almost smile.

 72.

MAGGIE
I’ll make us a cup of tea.

Hillary steals a glance at Maggie’s belly.

HILLARY
I can’t, but I’ll get there.

Hillary exits and Maggie collects up the things.

SCENE 44 - SHELLEY

Shelley and Matt enter from opposite sides, Matt is holding

the mail, opening envelopes as he go.

SHELLEY
Hey hon, anything interesting? Or
just bills, bills, and more bills?

Matt opens the letter from the hospital. He scans it. His
face falls.

MATT
I think this is for you.

He hands Shelley the letter. She reads it.

SHELLEY
Oh shit, oh baby, I’m sorry.

MATT
Is that all you can say, oh baby
I'm sorry?

SHELLEY
Let me explain.

MATT
Oh please...

SHELLEY
It was addressed to me.

MATT
So’s the power bill, but you have
no problem with me opening that.

SHELLEY
This was stamped private and
confidential … what do you think
that meant?

Matt exits as Hillary, Maggie, and Virginia (visibly

pregnant) enter and take up positions downstage, facing the
audience.
 73.

SHELLEY (CONT’D)
It was from the hospital, a follow
up letter to the termination.
Naturally the shit hit the fan.
Matt even moved out of home for a
while he was that furious. Of
course he was, I just never
imagined he'd find out.

Scene 44 - Epilogues

Virginia appears to be heavily pregnant, she gives a big

moan, the sound of a woman in labour

VIRGINIA
It’s the Virginia Monologue. The
end of the story. My contractions
started about two hours ago and
I’ll head to hospital shortly,
bugger having it at home.

She waits calmly for a contraction to take hold and then

pass. Maggie starts speaking, looking down at the baby she’s
holding in her arms.

MAGGIE
I have to say it's been a pretty
flipping trippy year. This is
Michael, and he's amazing. I think
I'm happier than I've ever been not
that I was ever particularly
unhappy. Sean and I, we tried our
best to play happy families but, it
wasn't right. And you won't believe
this, I'm shacked up with David,
Joe's Dad. It's not like a proper
relationship, but we still, you
know, for old time's sake. Sean's
still Michael's dad and he's here
all the time too. It's unorthodox,
I know, but it works for us. As for
Hilary, we don't see each other any
more. We tried, but ... I really
miss her, and I hope, one day,
we'll be close again.

HILLARY
George and I eventually gave up.
Our entire lives had been dominated
by trying to conceive and failing.
The whole thing was so fraught with
desperation, it's hardly surprising
it didn't work. And we dealt with
it by pushing each other away.

The last I heard, George is

engaged.
(MORE)
 74.

HILLARY (CONT'D)
Apparently she's lovely, quite
young and they're expecting their
first baby round Christmas. And
I'm fine. Really, I am. I have
Edith and she is everything to me.
And sure, I do get lonely sometimes
but, doesn't everyone?

SHELLEY
It was touch and go for a while
with me and Matt, still is really.
And the irony is, my work, which I
put above all else, I'm not
enjoying it. In fact I hate it.
Advertising is smug, young, and
empty. Trying to sell stuff to
people they don't need or can't
afford. I suggested to Matt that
we try for another but he said no,
that we'd had our chance. I'm not
sure I regret the abortion, it was
the right thing to do, at the time.
I absolutely regret having been
found out.

Virginia has a couple more moany contractions, then starts

laughing, looks around, and lets it go. She pulls the jersey
out from under her top

VIRGINIA
Sorry, it’s just a jersey. I don't
know why I did that. I guess I
wanted to see your faces. You were
all wondering - will she get a
life? But there is no baby, not
for me. I gave it three shots
before calling it quits. And I
could still meet someone. And if I
don't I'm cool, mostly. At the
very least, I'm philosophical.
Easy come, easy go. Actually
expensive come, and no go - but you
can't say I didn't try. And I'm
still a midwife. Still helping
people out.

CURTAIN