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Empathy
a deep appreciation for another's situation and point of view
 Empathy
a deep appreciation for another's situation and point of view

Empathy—a deep appreciation for another's situation and point of

view—is the basis for the golden rule , and our intrinsic sense of
justice. Having empathy but not acting from empathy leads to
guilt.

Definitions:

1. A respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. [Mar]

2. Judging others by their own standards.
3. Sensing others’ feelings and perspective, and taking an active interest in
their concerns.
4. Wanting the best for all others, unconditionally,
5. Sharing another's perspective and specific distress.
6. Entering the private perceptual world of another and becoming
thoroughly at home in it.
7. The capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another
person.
8. Having a similar emotional state to another as a result of the accurate
perception of the other's situation or predicament.
9. Understanding and entering into another person’s feelings.
[Link] and concern.
[Link] places in fancy with the sufferer.
[Link] into
13.I feel you in me
14.A point of view that emphasizes the symmetry between you and the
other.

Empathy is other-awareness, symmetrical with self-awareness. True empathy

requires us to care about the person in pain.

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Origins of Empathy

The ability to sense the another's distress is an important survival skill. The
danger distressing your companion may also be a threat to you. It is wise to

heed the other's early warning or danger. As a result, it is

human nature to dislike seeing or hearing another's distress. This basic skill of
sensing how another feels is generalized into a broader sense of empathy.
Studies show that empathy develops very early in human children, even before
they develop language skills. Empathy also contributes to our ability to
recognize the mental state of others, and to take on their perspective. Knowing
what others know is a distinct advantage.

The warmth of empathy balances the safety of distrust and xenophobia; the
origin of hate.

Forms of Empathy

Empathy can be experienced in a variety of forms, such as [Ekm]:

 cognitive empathy—we recognize what another person is feeling,

 emotional empathy—we actually feel what the person is feeling,
 compassionate empathy—we want to help the person deal with their
situation and emotions.

Related Terms

Sympathy, rapport, caring, compassion, and concern are similar, but not
identical to empathy. Apathy and egocentricity are opposites of empathy.
Apathy describes not caring and egocentricity describes caring only about

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yourself.

Empathy is Action

Empathy begins with awareness, understanding, feeling, caring, perceiving a

similarity of experience, and compassion. But the difficult part of empathy is
taking action that truly helps another.

Increasing Empathy

Empathy is inherent in most people, and certain activities can increase

empathy, or at least cooperation, between people. One key to empathy is to
understand suffering, first in yourself, then in others. In the well documented
“Robber's Cave” experiment two groups of 11-12 year old boys were formed.
Planned activities created cohesiveness within each group and competition
between the two groups. What was later found to promote cooperation
between the groups was to engage in activities that required them to work
together to serve their own interests. This included working together to unblock
a water line and fix a broken truck.

Feeling Empathy for a Jerk

We all know people who are: annoying, disagreeable, selfish, bigoted,

irresponsible, deceitful, untrustworthy, arrogant, stubborn, ignorant, spiteful,
mean spirited, boisterous, crude, boring, needy, intrusive, embarrassing to be
around, and generally difficult to like. How can you have empathy for such
people? The answer is that you don't have to like someone to want the best for
them. You may feel sad they are so anguished and you can want them to:
become more aware of how they annoy others, take steps to improve
themselves, become more responsible, care more for others, and take other
steps to become more satisfied and peaceful.

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Empathy and Responsibility

When someone falls on hard times, our response often depends on a judgment
about their own responsibility for the problems they are facing. If we believe
their difficulties are their own fault, we typically regard them with contempt. If
we believe the problems were unavoidable, then we regard them with
compassion and empathy. This judgment is difficult to make accurately. Work
to consider all the evidence, from their point of view while avoiding distortions,
before making a judgment.

Acting with empathy can be very difficult. Here is an example of a situation

where it may be difficult to know what is the right thing to do:

Bill receives a modest check each Friday. He quickly spends it on tobacco,

alcohol, and gambling. By Monday he is getting hungry and asks you to lend
him $50 for food. What is the empathic response?

Follow these general steps for acting with empathy:

1. Preserve dignity and avoid humiliation.

2. Engage in a dialogue to understand his point of view and to determine
his specific needs. Throughout the dialogue keep in mind:
1. You can change some things but not others,
2. What he asks for may not be what he needs. Continue the
dialogue until you both understand his needs.
3. Help to balance his impulses for immediate pleasures with
opportunities for longer term gratification and authentic
happiness.
4. Every person always has needs for autonomy, competency, and
relatedness but is unlikely to express these. This may lead to an
ambivalence about change.
3. Provide assistance to meet his needs to the extent you are willing and
able to. Keep in mind:
1. You are responsible for your choices and actions.

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 2. He is responsible for his choices and actions.
3. You can change some things but not others.

Thanks to visitor Laura for dialogue that led to this solution:

After dialoging with Bill, you understand his most urgent need is for food. You
also understand his needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness,
although these were not discussed in depth in these terms. You agree to go
shopping and buy him a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. He declines
your offer to buy him a bottle of carrot juice and you decline his request to buy
him a six-pack of beer. This meets his need for food, and balances his needs
for autonomy and relatedness.

Next week follows the same pattern and on Monday Bill again approaches you
to ask for food. You consider several alternative responses:

 Refuse to help, explaining that you helped him last week and if he didn't
learn his lesson, you're not going to continue,
 Lecture him on the virtues of temperance,
 Sever the relationship by blaming him and shunning him,
 Buy him a loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter, the same as last week,
 Agree to buy him food this week if he promises to pay you back on
Friday.
 Agree to buy him food this week if he promises to let you to manage half
of his income each week for him. Under this agreement you hold money
for him and release it for specific purchases you both agree are
beneficial.

After an extended and sometimes tense dialogue the two of you agree that the
plan to help Bill manage his money provides the best balance between his
needs for food, autonomy, competence, and relatedness. After several months,
Bill is now eating better and drinking a bit less. He seems more open to getting
counseling.

Please send us your comments on this example and describe dilemmas you

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may be facing.

The Golden Rule – Secular Ethics

The Golden Rule “Treat others as you want to be treated” paraphrased from a
wide variety of sources begins to provide a model for acting with empathy.
Perhaps a more accurate model is given by the “platinum rule”: Treat others as
they want to be treated. The principle of empathy may be sufficient to develop
a complete and socially valuable code of ethics. Various organizations have
developed codes of ethics based primarily on the principle of empathy. Here are
some examples:

 The United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights .

 Code of Ethics of the National Association of Social Workers

Quotations:

 “Don't just do something, stand there.”

 “It is more important to define yourself by who you include than by who
you exclude.” ~ from the movie Chocolat
 “It is more considerate to interrupt the speaker than to pretend to
listen.”
 “See yourself in others, then who can you hurt? What harm can you do?”
~ The Buddha

References:

[Mar] Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your

Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values, by Marshall B.
Rosenberg, Arun Gandhi

Ancient Wisdom, Modern World, by Dalai Lama XIV and Bstan-'Dzin-Rgya-

Mtsho

Shared Values for a Troubled World: Conversations With Men and Women of

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Conscience, by Rushworth M. Kidder, Jo Spiller

On Apology, by Aaron Lazare

The Origins of Virtue: Human Instincts and the Evolution of Cooperation, by

Matt Ridley

Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, a Man Who Would
Cure the World, by Tracy Kidder

Exploring the phenomenon of empathy, Doctoral Dissertation, Jakob

Håkansson, Department of Psychology, Stockholm University, 2003

The Journey of Man: A Genetic Odyssey, by Spencer Wells

The Character Counts Coalition

[Ekm] Emotions Revealed : Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve

Communication and Emotional Life by Paul Ekman

Our Inner Ape, by Frans De Waal

The Power of Outrospection, an RSA Animate by Roman Krznaric

Chocolat a movie about empathy starring Alfred Molina and Carrie-Anne Moss
directed by Lasse Hallström

30 Days , Morgan Spurlock, TV Series

Neural mechanisms of empathy in humans: A relay from neural systems for

imitation to limbic areas, by Laurie Carr, Marco Iacoboni, Carr L, Iacoboni M,
Dubeau MC, Mazziotta JC, Lenzi GL, Ahmanson-Lovelace Brain Mapping Center,
Neuropsychiatric Institute, David Geffen School of Medicine, University of
California, Los Angeles. Published in the Proceedings of the National Academy
of Science, U S A. 2003 Apr 29;100(9):5497-502.

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Mirror neurons and the simulation theory of mind-reading , by V Gallese, A
Goldman

The Robbers Cave Experiment: Intergroup Conflict and Cooperation. [Orig. pub.
as Intergroup Conflict and Cooperation, by Muzafer Sherif

Empathy: Its ultimate and proximate bases , by Stephanie D. Preston and

Frans B. M. de Waal

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Empathy building exercise – learning to be
empathetic – increasing emotional
understanding
Quick summary: In difficult times often we really want someone to ‘just be there for us’ and to ‘show
compassion and understanding for what we are dealing

with’ as opposed to offering pragmatic solutions or

taking initiative to ‘fix it.’ In short people very often simply want empathy and they can feel worse,
alone, or misunderstood if their confidant goes into problem solving mode. In this post I will give
you a methodology as to how to offer empathy to a person. The process might not feel genuine at
first, but by understanding and utilizing this technique you will eventually grow a more sincere
empathetic ability.

Can you teach someone to be more empathetic? YES …

 I use this exercise in couples therapy all the time and I must admit that even I am extremely
surprised with the results (the growth in empathetic ability for many of my clients has far
exceeded my expectations).
 This is not always easy for the client, when a client willingly breaks down their own emotional
barriers they are often overwhelmed with a flood of emotions that they had left unattended for
years. The courage and strength that I have witnessed in my clients as I witness them allowing
themselves to open themselves up to their own and to their partner’s emotions has left me
feeling humbled… incredible courage.

How can a contrived exercise teach a person to truly be able to understand and feel the
emotions of another person?

Perhaps every one already is empathetic… some people just do not know how to hold a
conscious awareness of the emotional content that they receive from another.

As a social animal it appears that we are ‘wired’ to be empathetic… we all have an

innate ability to be empathetic. Neurological research is substantiating this… (Research

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surrounding mirror neurons and the intrapersonal dynamics of the brain are helping us to better
understand the science behind our interconnectedness.)

 I am suggesting that everyone has the ability to be empathetic, some people

simply lack the techniques that facilitate an empathetic encounter and they lack
an ability to recognize when to use their empathetic skills and when to use their
‘fix it’ skills.

I would hypothesize that we are conditioned or taught to use our problem solving abilities
with greater frequency or instead of our empathetic abilities.

 It appears that society rewards ‘problem solvers’ and people that offer tangible ‘fixes’ with
greater effort than it rewards those you offer emotional nurturance. This system of rewards
conditions people (especially males in many cultures) to engage in fixing behaviors as opposed
to empathy behaviors.

To answer the question succinctly, this exercise teaches you how to facilitate an
empathetic encounter and with practice you will learn to discern when to use empathy
and when to use more pragmatic problem solving skills. (This of course is a false dichotomy
as empathy guides an effective solution and offering empathy very often is the solution.)

What is empathy? what am I trying to experience and why?

 Empathy is the ability for you to figuratively put yourself in the shoes of your partner so that
you can feel what emotions he/she is holding.
 You will feel these emotions while having a full understanding that these are your partner’s
emotions and not your own.
 You will allow yourself to be fully accepting of your partner’s emotions and perceptions… you
validate him/her with your selfless attunement.
 as you offer this empathy your partner will feel as though his/her emotions are being cradled
and nurtured in your emotional arms… they will feel understood, accepted, connected,
important, and loved… within these feelings all suffering can be nurtured towards resolution.
 Existentially we fear being alone… and biologically we suffer when we feel disconnected.
Empathy fosters the attachment which offers both existential and biological nurturance.

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Empathy building exercise

(I will be using the term ‘partner’ for simplicity thought this exercise can be done with a friend, a
family member, a colleague etc.)

Guidelines

There is one talker and one listener

The listener has the responsibility to understand the emotional and logistical content
that their partner is sharing.

You should be able to understand and to relay back to your partner:

 What was his/her perception of the occurrence?

 What was troubling about this occurrence?
 What were the emotions that he/she felt at the time of the occurrence?
 What emotions are being expressed in this moment?
 What does he/she need from you (which is often just to be empathetic)?

Start by taking time by yourself to practice using these skills on yourself… your ability to
understand your own emotions will directly affect your ability to empathize with your
partner.

 Think of a difficult time that you experienced and answer all the above question related to
your own perception and the resulting emotional experience.

Tip 1.) Allow yourself to be curious and open-minded

 Allow yourself to listen as if your only job is to understand.

 Allow yourself to listen without out using your preconceptions… allow yourself to know that
you know nothing… everything you need to learn you will be learning right now.
 Free yourself from trying to create consistency between your feeling/perceptions and your
partner’s feelings and perceptions… for now just focus on understanding the unique
experience of your partner.

Tip 2.) Act like a therapist – allow yourself to listen as if you are not personally
responsible for the content.

 Listen as though the narrative is not about you if you need help controlling your defensiveness
or your guardedness.
 Notice your bias and choose to not let it control your actions (see rules below).

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Tip 3.) Be vulnerable and accepting of your body’s natural response.

 If your empathy encourages you to experience strong authentic emotions of your own (as
opposed to emotions related to suppression, avoidance, denial or defensiveness) let them flow
as long as they are not disruptive (anger) and hold an awareness of which emotions are yours
and which emotions are your partners.
 Feeling the sadness of your partner may make you cry…
 Know that your time for expression will come… your ability to meet the
emotional needs of your partner will best prepare them to do the same for you.

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The talker has the responsibility of allowing himself or herself to be vulnerable enough
to transmit the emotional content.

 To do so generally necessitates that he/she allows an honest emotional expression.

 The talker will allow himself or herself to feel the emotional impact of the
narrative as opposed to talking about the subject in a guarded ‘matter of fact’ type of way.
 If the talker is disconnected from his/her emotions then it will be very difficult for the partner
to be empathetic – it is hard to understand or identify an emotion that is being guarded,
avoided, distracted from, repressed etc.
 Be clear about the way that the narrative affected you emotionally.
 Say things like, “this experience left me feeling really ________ at the time… right
now I am feeling really ___________ about the whole thing.”
 It is easiest for your partner to hear you when you take responsibility for your own emotional
reactions. Actions or situations don’t make every person feel the same way…
explain why the action encouraged your unique emotional response.
 Explain why the event was significant to your past. We all have early life experiences
that influence our emotional reactions in the present… help your partner to understand why
the example causes an increased emotional response from you.
 If you are the talker tell your partner what your need… if you just want them to listen
tell them, “I just need you to listen to me… I really am not asking for any solutions
of for you to try and fix it… please trust that listing will make me feel better.”

Rules or codes of conduct – things that you should not do… behaviors to avoid

(these rules are helpful in general, but they are specific to this empathy exercise – I am not saying
to never defend yourself.)

Some rules are more important for the listener and some rules are more important
for the talker.

1.) Avoid Being ‘Right’- avoid using your logic and reason to attempt to ‘disprove’ the
validity of your partner’s emotional reaction or narrative.

 Doing so can lead your partner to feel belittled, patronized, powerless, insecure,
misunderstood, oppressed, and attacked.
 It does not matter that you believe that your partner ‘misperceived’ the event…
your partners emotional reactions are related to his/her perceptions (and not a
‘fixed’ or ‘true’ reality) empathizing and understanding their perception will nurture your
partner towards recovery.
 Be interested and empathetic to your partners experience as opposed to being fixated on
making their perception consistent with your perception (this is futile anyway as all our
perceptions are subjective… yours is too.)
 Example – your partner tells you that she is very hurt that you were not able to attend her
graduation and you respond, “I told you months ago that I would not be there… you can’t be
upset at me because you knew I had that business trip.”
 Being right is very often wrong and ironically ‘irrational’ – in this example the
feeling exists and requires empathy to be resolved. The response will make your partner feel
worse… it is therefore irrational to be ‘rational’ as doing such in such an instance perpetuates
the problem you are seeking to resolve.

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2.) Avoid being defensive – avoid correcting the plot line. Avoid using justifications.
Avoid correcting what you view to be a ‘misperception’. Avoid explaining why you did
what you did.

 Doing so can make your partner feel frustrated, unheard, confused (by your somewhat
irrelevant retort), and unimportant.

 The way that your partner perceived the event is all that matters. Allow yourself to notice
your mind’s desire to correct the plot and then allow yourself to accept your
partner’s subjective perception.

 Example – your partner tells you that she was upset that you forgot to pick her up last Friday
and you respond that it was last Thursday and you didn’t forget you were just really busy.
 Can you imagine any situation in which the above response would make things better?

3.) Avoid counter critiquing – avoid responding to your partner’s constructive

criticism with your own criticisms about him/her.

 Doing so can leave your partner feeling annoyed, not listened to, invalidated, unimportant,
frustrated, escalated, and desperate.
 Often the narrative that you will need to listen to will be about you in some way… allow your
partner the space for expression… this is his/her time.
 Example – your partner tells you that he really feels unacknowledged when you don’t thank
him for cooking dinner and you respond, ‘yeah well I do a lot of things around the house too
that I don’t get any credit for.”
 It is not that your response is invalid, rather your response takes the focus away from your
partner’s feelings… your distraction or tangent will disrupt your (and his/her)
ability to attend to his/her emotional content.

4.) Avoid generalizations – making overgeneralizations will lead to your partner

feeling hopeless and therefore more likely to ‘tune out’. Being very specific allows your
partner to better understand you.

 Doing so can make your partner feel, hopeless, attacked, defeated, as if you don’t want a
solution, as if you are being too excessive to relate to, and irritated.
 Example – you want to tell your partner that you miss going dancing like you used to and
you say, “ we never do anything fun anymore.”
 Overgeneralizations tend to not have solutions and they catastrophize which is
isolating.

5.) Avoid being contemptuous or trying to prove that your partner is inherently flawed.
Avoid trying to attach permanent negative labels on your partner. Avoid pathologizing
your partner.

 In short being mean doesn’t help anyone and usually creates more guilt to manage later.

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  Doing so can make your partner feel abused, defeated, hopeless, wounded, in danger, scared,
angry and like giving up.
 Example – “yesterday when you told me that you locked the keys in the car before my
meeting I realized that you are just stupid.”
 How do you fix stupid and what is the emotion that this person would like empathy for?

6.) Avoid avoiding, tuning out, or putting up a figurative wall

 Doing so can make your partner feel, alone, isolated, unimportant, frustrated, desperate, and
out of control.
 Stay emotionally available… track the narrative and the emotions being displayed. to not
literally or figuratively leave.
 If you are overwhelmed please ask for a break and take some time to cool down
(as it doesn’t help if you get overly emotionally escalated to the point of losing control). When
you take a break tell your partner what you are doing and when you will be able
to return.
 Example – your partner says, “Honey I am really worried about our son… I feel like a bad
father.” and you respond, “yeah, could you pass me the TV remote.”

7.) Avoid Creating the Guessing game. Be clear with your needs and emotions… do not
set your partner up to fail by requiring them to guess what you are feeling or to guess
what you need.

 Doing so can make your partner feel, inadequate, like a failure, incompetent, helpless,
confused, guilty, and at a loss.
 Always avoid saying one thing when your mean another… do not say it is ok if it is not ok.
 It is a huge misconception that “if your partner loves you they will intuitively
know what you need and take action to meet your needs.” the truth is that we are
often very poor at identifying and meeting our own needs…
 This expectation will leave you frustrated without your needs being met.
 If you want something… ask for it.
 If you want your partner to listen and to not fix it… tell them that.

you have the tools now go practice… remember to practice by yourself first … the first step in being
empathetic to another is to learn how to empathize with yourself (neurologically it is a very similar
process).

Sound too difficult? This is what couples counselors are for… sometimes people need a
little help… perhaps a little gentle mediation.

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