TRANSCRIPT

SESSION – 1

Therapist: Look, nothing is as formal as that. It's a very informal thing like we were talking
about just now. Well it's a conversation only.

Client: Yes yes.

Therapist: And the only thing is that yes I started recording. So whatever you say will be
recorded. It will be converted into a transcript and basically I want to talk to you and I want
to know what's going on in your life. And this is not going anywhere and this is not even
coming in the conversation we will be having on a regular basis.

Client: Oh ok, ok ok.

Therapist: Okay, it is not like I will ask you about this context normally later, it is not like that.
It just happened and it is over.

Client: Ok ok.

Therapist: Okay, then don't feel like if I share this then she will cross question me about it
later or will judge me like this later, nothing like this is going to happen.

Client: You ask something specific like this.

Therapist: yes yes I will, but I am just giving you a disclaimer.

Client: Yes yes.

Therapist: That don't be afraid, don't be so reluctant to share anything. And if there is
something specific which you want me to forget completely, then you just say that I told you
this just like this for now, now don't ever bring this thing out in the future. So that I will do it.

Client: Yes yes. Okay.

Therapist: So how is college? You are in second year right?

Client: Umm. College is good only. I am not much interested in my college. So, basically CUET
IS my fifth competitive exam. I was preparing for CLAT and I failed in it. So the pattern of
CLAT is basically they take the paper before your boards. I mean boards are in March, so
your CLAT paper is in December.

Therapist: Ok, yes, so you have to focus on CLAT before boards.

Client: Yes, before boards you have to focus on CLAT and the thing is when you are so
invested in a thing, you make it your entire life. I missed my dream college by only a few
marks and I was completely shattered after it. I cried for days and went blank. Then firstly I
deal with it by just blowing off one digit at a time, I saw that I was getting admission in some
decent college, tier three colleges. Then the same thing happened that now I have to do law
only. Then I gave SLAT, then I gave CUET. Then I was so desperate for college for CUET. Then I
got into Miranda House and I believe that Miranda was totally my luck.

Therapist: But that was not your luck there was a preparation you did for SLAT and
everything.

Cient: No, their pattern itself is very different.

Therapist: But the content was the same I guess.

Client: No. CUET is purely based on NCERT.

Therapist: Okay.

Client: And Clat is based on logical reasoning and current affairs based paper.

Therapist: Ok ok, I get it now. Yes. So are you over it by now?

Client: I am still note over it, means how do you get over failure? So much happened in such
a hurry, I was sitting in the verandah. And then in my mind, it was only this that ok, I have
taken college but I am going to give clat again, I give clat again.

Therapist: Ok. Then?

Client: Then no. The second thing is also the same. Because my parents were persistent, no
problem, check it one more time. But when you are giving that thing your everything and
then you are seeing failures again and again.

Therapist: You get tired and drained out, right?

Client: Very much. Very much. And plus when I gave CLAT for the first time, at that time my
pre boards were running. So I couldn’t focus on my preboards and I was also scared because
my tenth happened during covid. So I always knew that something like COVID happened
again and the boards did not happen. So they will again ruin my marks. So I had to give pre
boards properly. Then the second time plan that I gave, at that time my semester exams
were going on. I know I was in college, it was like nothing can happen to me, but then yes,
then the next semester exams were going on, so I was over it.

Therapist: The first time how did you feel when all this happened?

Client: The first time was devastated. My parents had a lot of plans for their future based on
[Link] the money they were spending.

Therapist: So how was school life?

Client: The school was nothing special. Plus I was bullied in school a lot in ninth grade.

Therapist: You were bullied?

Client: Yes.
Therapist: In your ninth grade?

Client: Yes. So I was very happy when covid came. It won't just happen now.

Therapist: In what sense you were bullied?

Client: Bullied in the sense that , there was this guy called Antariksh .He was the eldest in the
class. I mean in age. And I was new to that school. So he probably had run out of his targets
or something. So he saw the new kid. He caught hold of him. At first he tried to be friends
with [Link] why would I make friends with the person, who doesn't share any common
interest. I didn't give him that much importance. Then next thing I know, there were three
people who ganged up against me. Antariksh Tiwari, Madhav Shrivastav, Umar Hussain.
Sitting behind they are pulling my hair. Taking off the tie. Taking out the tiffin from my bag.
They are throwing pens from [Link] day I threw a book at them infront of the
teacher. He threw the pen in return.

Therapist: In front of the teacher?

Client: All this is going on in front of the teacher. Brother, they were calling me names. They
were abusing me from here to there, for all sorts of useless things. So yes and the thing was
they were very old kids in school. And everybody in the class, they kind of did that everyone
would turn towards me. And Antariks has this charm or very hugged up charm around him
because he was a very good looking guy. So girls were crazy about him. Boys, because his
father had money, boys were crazy about him too. I don't understand it. So yes.

Therapist: So at that time your academics must have also been hampered in that affair.

Client: No, academics have never been hampered like that.

Therapist: So when all this was happening, did you tell anyone about this?

Client: I didn't know how to tell. Because I had no friends in school. Whom should I tell at
home? My parents have their own things going on. Because we had recently shifted and
they were on this thing to buy a new home and everything. So his things were going on. So
this, all of this was happening but a little lighter not during COVID. Covid was very fun,
lockdown was very fine, COVID was not fine. Lockdown was very fine.

Therapist: What did you guys do?

Client: Oh, brother, we started with making food, we made samosas, poha, dhokla, we made
everything we saw , then we got bored, we started playing games and then the episode of
Ramayan and Mahabharat was shown, everyone sat and watched and what happened and
yes and the date, the probability at the time, I got very serious that I want to become an
aeronautical engineer. I will become. I will become an aeronautical engineer because I filled
the memory of my phone. I am preparing the mains paper, I am preparing the advance
paper, I am studying maths. So I got very serious about my career in that. I discussed about
my career, my plans and my parents were very happy that I took science without saying
anything. Then after a few days I changed my mind. I wanted to take So I told my parents this
and I lowered my standard. Not even commerce. I want humanities. When I said that, my
mummy asked, she said okay , tell me what to do? I decided in thirty seconds that I want to
do civil services.

Therapist: In thirty seconds?

Client: I did not know why I have to take humanities. I just had to take it. My mummy also
said in two seconds, okay, but before that what to do after doing a degree. In fifteen seconds
I decided that I want to do law because mummy also saw it. But yes, but then after that they
also arranged coaching for my CLAT. Well. Like within a month of me getting into eleventh, all
of these things were happening and I was into coaching as well. A lot of things together. Yes,
so then I thought, okay, let's say let's do this. And then I actually started enjoying it. I was
studying this and this and coaching maybe and you know manage So okay, everything was
going well. You know my life started revolving around that one exam. Right. Yes, and then
when that didn't happen, brother it was all over.

Therapist: That must have been really painful. But still you managed everything so well. We
will talk about this in the next session. For today I would like to stop here.

Client: Okay brother.

Therapist: I hope you didn’t get bored.

Client: No man
SESSION- 2

Therapist: Do you want to dive deep into it? Like what did you exactly feel? And how did it
feel? And how did you slowly recover from it?

Client: There isn't a recovering part until now. After all I'm still trying to move on

Therapist: and do you want to retempt it?

Client: I won't be re-attempting it. I gave it two tries. I can't any more. And the only way to
get over it, I feel, is to start for a few exams and do something in those particular exam.

Therapist: So whatever you're doing right now, you don't feel that it's good or it's
productive?

Client: It's just fine. It's neither good nor bad. It's alright. I mean, I'm happy I have
something. I could have been a lot, at a lot of worse places right now. And would have
regretted wasting my parents' money. But I'm happy I'm here. I'm just not too happy that I
could have been at some place better. If, if I could have. I don't, I don't even know what went
wrong during my preparation.

Therapist: Look at this, it wasn't just abou your preparation. The thing is that there are so
many applicants and the competition is so high that if you do not get into it by 2 marks, 3
marks, 5 marks, 10 marks it does not mean that you have less potential or that you are less
deserving of it. I was talking to a senior of mine and I told him that I always get rejected in
interviews.

Client: Why is it that I always get it right?

Therapist: Maybe you have been taught the value of a thing. If you get it easily, you won't
value it too much. And maybe there are better plans in life. You never know. Everything
happens for a reason. This is for sure. Maybe there's something better waiting for you.

Client: I think that better should come now.

Therapist: It might take a lot of time. It might take a year, two, three. And after a point in life,
like, when you have a settled career, one day out of nowhere you might realize, thank god,
that didn't happen, this happened. Or maybe, this could also happen.

Client: I just wish it happens sooner than what I have. I mean, I really want things to go
according to my plan for the next, whatever my plans are for the next

Therapist: what are your plans? What kind of professional course do you want to go for?

Client: Go for an MBA and if you find me lying anywhere, it's because I couldn't get in either
way, kahin bhi.

Therapist: What's something that attracts you towards MBA or these schools? The idea of
having a settled career. My passion died a long, long time ago.
Therapist: What's been your passion? My passion was to...That means my passion is, it's still
to do, you know, research and stuff and get into things and keep on studying and studying
and keep on writing and putting down my views and everything. And I thought that law was
giving me that opportunity.

Therapist: And really?

Client: Yes, it was. That means during my preparation also and during everything, especially
when I read those case studies and I used to watch...Because I was very passionate. I
surrounded my life around that particular thing. I used to watch those Supreme Court
proceedings and everything. And it's just kind of used to give a kick. That's a very silly thing.
It's fun to sing. So yeah, but now there's no kick. There is just an idea which, which really
fascinates that, you know. It would be good to have a settled career and work normally and
have an income.

Therapist: Okay, so you want to do MBA, the first reason is you want to have a settled career.
But law and MBA are two different things.

Client: Law and MBA are two different things. But then again, I just want to get over my
failures for the other way. And three-year LLB is way too risky. Even if I go to pursue it, it's
not going to, at the end of the day, give me a job.

Therapist: Why?

Client: Because three-year institute is still not that well-established in India. What I have
heard from people and what I have seen my seniors doing, they mostly get into litigation. I
never had the idea of litigation. I wanted to become a corporate lawyer, not because I
wanted to get into litigation, to do some charity work.

Therapist: But money can be made by other ways too. Like if you want to get into a
professional course. I guess you are brilliant enough to go for CA, CS, CFA courses like this.

Client: I can't think about CS because I am not from a commerce background.

Therapist: Oh, yeah.

Client: And, I can't put in so much again. I can still think about MBA because... Reasoning and
Maths are something which I still have not let go of. I think I can do a little bit in that. But CS
toh would be too much. Too much work. I have to go to college for that.

Therapist: Haan, true. That would be too much work.

Client: Haan, that would be too much work. To get over CLAT, I have to do something. No, to
get over my failures... I'm a failure. I'm a spreader. I don't know, I mean...

Therapist: Just because you couldn't crack an exam, it means you have failed in life.

Client: Not particularly failed in life, but...

Client: Kind of. That's one of many reasons. I had a lot of expectations from myself. Yeah. I
mean, my parents might be okay with it over time. I guess they're okay with it now, but... But
then again, we, my parents had a plan. They were planning their lives around me. And then I
was planning my own life. Ki yahan ho jayega, yeh ho jayega, yeh kar dungi, woh kar dungi.
And then, those two years went into vain.

Therapist: Obviously, whatever you studied, that's still there.

Client: Haan, it's still there, but then again, that's.... There's no outcome for it. All the prep I
did for CLAT and those low entrances, they aren't helping me right now. I mean, they are in a
way, but not really.

Therapist: But the college you are in right now, it's a dream for many.

Client: I know, I can't with this statement. Every second person I meet, I'm like, dream for
many people, but I'm not grateful. I get it. A lot of people dream about coming to this
institute, but that doesn't mean my dreams are supposed to match your dreams.

Therapist: True.

Client: I had different dreams. Maybe Yours was this. But, yeah.

Therapist: Yeah, I get that.

Client: Ki haan, you know, every person has... And I'm grateful for the place I'm right now.
Wo mujhe kuch teer maar ke nahi mili thi. It was just luck that I got into Miranda.

Therapist: Ohhh, you consider it just luck?

Client: Yes, I think it's just luck No one can change my mind about that

Therapist: Okay, fine. But did you find good people here?

Client: I did, I found a lot of good people. I have good friends. I met a lot of nasty people,
very condescending and considered in their own self. People back in first semester who want
to have a large group of friends and everything. No, no, no. Yes, but then gradually after the
second semester, yes. I had some people back in first and second, but then by the third
semester I actually realized I have two people to rely on if, you know.

Therapist: So you guys are good friends?

Client: Yeah, we're good friends.

Therapist: Or you're best friends?

Client: No, I just have one best friend. She lives in Kolkata. we met in sixth grade.

Therapist: But you had a bad experience in school of bullying and everything.
Client: I changed a lot of schools.

Therapist: Okay, so she wasn't in your that bullying wala school.

Client: My bullying wala school not that, my parents got transferred to Lucknow in 2019. In
9th grade I transferred to a new school. And those fuckers ruined the hell out of my life.

Therapist: Do you want to share anything from that experience?

Client: Don't be a bully. I heard that guy was bullied. The one who bullied me. He used to get
bullied back in 5th or 6th grade. While he used to travel in bus going home from school and
so on. But, I get it you were bullied. But your past explains your actions. It does not justify it.
So, don't be a bad person.

Therapist: And did you ever talk to that guy about bullying? Why did you bully me? Or why
did you hurt me?

Client: I threw an object at him. That I know. And that's it. I was a very shady person. Too shy
or too scared I was terrified. I was afraid that he would say something and...

Therapist: So that makes you scared of guys?

Client: No! No? No! I like to be cool. I have good friends.

Therapist: So what happened with your roommate?

Client: Oh... My last PG, it was a very nice PG. It had a very huge room and... I shifted in
August. My roommate is a senior. She is in the same college, different course. So she came in
September. I shifted, she came in September. And we, I tried to include her in everything
because at first I felt she was a bit of shy person. She wasn't, you know, trying to... She used
to get confused, you know, trying to. I was like, come on, theek hai. Let's just include her in
everything. I included her in everything. And then we became very close. All, the seven of
us, we became really close. Especially the three of us. My roommate, I, and another senior.
Then I did not realize, what I did not realize was that, these two people, those two seniors,
were getting a lot closer. Okay, I felt chalo it's okay to have best friends, it doesn't really
matter if, you know.

Therapist: If you're confiding in a person, you need a safe space at the end of the day,
especially when you're far away from home.

Client: I had a lot of people to confide into, I had my home too. You know, bullshit about
everything. I had my dad, if any guy problem happened. Yes, not a big deal. And those two
people come from a very not so open family. Okay. Because her mummy came and, and my
parents and I were talking and I did not... Because I did not want to talk more than 5
minutes. And then we were just gossiping and gossiping and my parents were probably
having a drink or something. Like, oh, oh, no bottle was opened. And aunty looks at me, oh,
everyone eats in your house. I'm like, yes, aunty, drinking is very normal at my home.
Even my mother drinks, not a big deal. Also, the second person, my roommate's best friend
had a lot of home issues. Her dad was alcoholic. He doesn't used to go to work. And she was
also going through a lot. Not just at home, but with her boyfriend as well. I was the first
person she confided to about her boyfriend. That he is doing this, this, this, this. And then
we had a chat about it. And I think I am a decent human, emotionally available person to
give something of value to that person. Soothe them out in the moment.

Last year, during Raksha Bandhan. What she did was, It, it was happening before also. She
used to sit in the room and talk Endlessly with her boyfriend. Come on, you are having a
conversation with a person, you really admire, you are in love with, everyday really in love
with, but you talk for 2 hours, you talk for 3 hours, you don't talk from 6 in the evening to 3
in the morning on video call when I can hear that guy as well.

Therapist: How do you manage to sleep?

Client: I don't know. I woke up at 2.30 and then I slammed the door and I went out. And
then I came back after 15 minutes. And there she was. Still talking. And then her talking
episodes just kept happening and happening. And then one day I told her to get out of the
room. I told her nicely to o out and talk. She started crying, I don't get calls from my house
anyway, how can I talk to someone outside. Meaning she said a lot of mean and nasty
things, but I do not want to...

Therapist: Did this affect you?

Client: It affected me a lot. Because she used to slam the doors every time. And my study
table was at the door. So I was, I am studying and she is going out of the room. There is not
even two inches of difference between us. And she used to slam the door. My heart beat
increased, I am not a person who would... Keep the lights switched on while I'm sleeping. I
used to do that. After these things happened because I was very scared of her. She used to
throw pens and bottles and everything. Okay. I had a lot of bad experiences last year. But
then, whatever happened, happened for the good. I have a nice room now. Yes, exactly. I
have a nice room.

Therapist: We'll wrap it. You have your friends outside.

Client: Yes, yes.

Therapist: Thank you for this.

Client: Thank you for listening.