(Opening visuals: A flickering CRT screen in a dark, sterile alien spacecraft.
A cheerful
automated voice begins.)
[Narrator – calm, amused tone]
Hello, and welcome, intergalactic traveller.
If you're hearing this, congratulations! You’ve taken a wrong turn near the Sagittarius Arm and
landed on Earth—the solar system’s most problematic theme park.
Whether you came for the cuisine (spoiler: mostly corn syrup), or to study the dominant species
(spoiler: also mostly corn syrup), here are your Instructions for Visiting Earth: For Aliens
Only.
[Cue strange elevator music. Cut to Earth rotating awkwardly.]
1. Language
You don’t need to learn English. Or Mandarin. Or Dog.
Just raise your eyebrows dramatically and say "vibe check"—it works 80% of the time.
However, humans communicate mostly by typing “lol” with a dead face.
2. About the Inhabitants
The dominant species is called “humans.”
They are bipedal mammals who invented:
Democracy (kind of),
Nuclear bombs (unfortunately), and
A drink called “Pumpkin Spice Latte,” which may or may not be a love potion.
They spend most of their lives searching for Wi-Fi signals, validation, and missing socks.
They cry alone but laugh in groups.
They build walls and call them homes.
They destroy forests to print books on climate change.
And sometimes, they hug like they’ve never held anything safe before.
3. Time
Time is a scam here.
They invented clocks to feel in control but constantly complain about having none of it.
They live in “weeks,” which start on Mondays and end in existential crises.
Most humans spend 70% of their lives waiting:
For weekends,
For replies,
For love,
For food delivery that says “arriving soon” for 34 minutes.
[B-Roll: A human staring blankly into a microwave at 3:12 AM.]
4. Money
To survive, you must exchange green paper or invisible numbers for necessities.
The number is never enough. It disappears quickly.
A loaf of bread costs $2. Unless you're poor. Then it costs your dignity.
Tip: If you land in a country called “America,” understand this:
They will fight for freedom but not for healthcare.
5. Things to Avoid
Opinions before coffee.
Twitter.
The word “bro” used more than 3 times in one sentence.
Eye contact with raccoons. They know.
[Sudden tone shift – quiet piano begins. Stars slowly blink into view.]
6. The Sad Bit
Humans are tragic.
They build telescopes to find life among the stars,
But often fail to see the life inside each other.
They laugh at funerals and cry at weddings.
They scream at screens, but whisper “I love you.”
They name their children after dead things.
And sometimes—just sometimes—they look up at the moon and remember that they’re tiny, and
floating, and maybe okay.
[Pause. Piano fades to wind.]
7. If You Fall In Love With Them
Don't.
But if you do:
Take them to see fireflies.
Hold their hand when their voice shakes.
Tell them the stars miss them.
Tell them they are stardust that forgot for a while.
And when you leave—because you will—
Leave behind something small:
A pebble, a song, a memory that smells like summer.
They’ll keep it forever.
Even if they pretend they don’t remember your name.
[End Screen – just static. Then a single blinking text appears.]
Do not tell them you were here.
They wouldn’t believe you anyway.