Introduction To !

Module 2 Of
Conversation Hacking
Status (Nonverbal
Communication)
• Eye contact, body
language… Most
importantly:
YOUR VOICE!

• Everything BELOW
the words that you
say.!

• SUBcommunication
 Why Learn This?
• I didn’t really “buy into” most claims that body
language makes up 70% of our communication for
a long time. Then I changed my mind.!

• Modern humans have been around for 200,000

years. Before that our ancestors were slowly
evolving over millions of years. !

• Language is a relatively new invention

compared to nonverbal communication.
 Why Learn This?
• Underneath words there is a whole layer of nonverbal
subcommunication that is almost invisible to most
people. !

• Most people just respond to the subcommunication

unconsciously, without really knowing what’s going on.
They don’t know why they are magnetically attracted to
some people and repelled by others. !

• Authority example. People in authority automatically take

on certain behaviours that makes other people respond
to them.
 Why Learn This?
• This sub-communication layer is what really causes
people to either like or dislike you. To pay attention to you
or ignore you. Not the words that you say.!

• The way you talk and behave either shows high or low
status. Nervous, quiet and care what other people think =
low status. Relaxed and confident = high status. !

• In the past, your low/high status behaviour was

situational. Imagine a time when you felt comfortable with
a group of people… versus a time when you felt out of
place and intimidated. My high school example.
 Why Learn This?
• People instinctively like high status people.
Doesn’t mean you need to be super-confident to
have friends… but if you’ve been socially
unsuccessful in the past then you need to focus on
improving your subcommunication.!

• If people like you, they see the best in you.

People who communicate with high status have an
unfair advantage in creating connections. Other
people work harder to get to know them.
Attractive Girl Crush Example

• If people like you, they see the best in you. I’m not
saying this is how it SHOULD be, just saying how it is.
 Improvement Vs.
Self-Consciousness
• Giving you tips to improve your voice or other outer
behaviour is tricky because the more attention you pay to
them, the more likely you are to become self-conscious.!

• Best way to avoid becoming self-conscious and stuck is

to pick just one or two things you will focus on every time
you go into a social situation. !

• Under the pressure of conversation, you’ll forget most of

what you learned here anyway. Need to slowly rewire old
patterns over time by focusing on 1-2 changes.
Melting Tension
Your Body Is An Instrument

• Whenever you talk, your voice is influenced by

many different parts of your body.!

• 2 main things I’ll talk about in this video are proper

breathing and muscle tension.!

• Near the end I’ll give you exercises for erasing

muscle tension based on the science of
Bioenergetics.
 Breathing: The Foundation
For Relaxed Expression
• Do you ever feel anxious, nervous or tense in social
situations? Trying to act more confident with inner
tension is almost impossible. First you need to
relax.!

• Anxiety activates the “fight or flight” response in

your body, which causes you to breathe more
shallowly. Many people who feel nervous stop
breathing or they hold their breath.
 Belly Breathing
• Two types of breathing: chest and belly
(diaphragmatic) breathing.!

• Most people (especially anxious people) breathe

improperly, through their chest. You need to retrain
yourself to breathe into the lower part of your lungs.!

• Doing this will relax you AND improve the sound

and volume of your voice.
 “Slow, deep breathing is probably the single
best anti-stress medicine we have. When you
bring air down into the lower portion of the
lungs, where oxygen exchange is most efficient,
everything changes.!
!
Heart rate slows, blood pressure decreases,
muscles relax, anxiety eases and the mind
calms.

– James Gordon,!
Clinical Professor of Psychiatry,!
Georgetown University School of Medicine
 How To Breathe
• Either stand up or lie down. Put one hand on your
belly and one hand on your chest.!

• Now breathe in deeply. Try to make sure the hand

on your chest doesn’t move much. Only the hand
on your belly should move out.!

• Also, try not to lift your shoulders much or make

much noise. Your breathing should be silent unless
there’s tension.
 Erasing Muscle Tension

• When you feel anxious or nervous, the inner feeling

will often show up in your body as muscle tension.!

• Jaw, throat, chest, stomach… these areas are most

important to keep clear of tension because they
involve breathing/speaking.
 How To Melt Tension

• First step is attention. Once you start to pay

attention to your body, you’ll probably be shocked at
how often you’re tensed up in social situations.!

• Next step is to try to make yourself as relaxed and

limp as possible. Breath deep and be loose.
 Advanced Stuff…

• If you’ve read my ebook on shyness and social

anxiety, this should all be review. Now I’ll talk about
a new technique called Bioenergetics.
 Bioenergetics
• A group of psychologists realized that mental issues like
anxiety and nervousness often show up in the body.!

• When you spend a lot of your life being tense because

of shyness or anxiety, you start to develop chronic
tension — a type of constant muscle tension which is
almost invisible to you. Body armouring.!

• Can be hard to get rid of this simply by relaxing. So

psychologists developed some stretches you can use to
dissolve this chronic muscle tension.
The Bow
 Yoga For Shyness?

• By doing these types of stretches a few minutes

every day, you should find yourself becoming more
aware of the muscle tension in your body.!

• If you have really bad social anxiety (like I did) then

I’d recommend just focusing on these tips for a
month or so. Until you find you can be truly relaxed
around people.
How To Develop A
More Confident and
Attractive Voice
 How Important Is !
Your Voice?
• As an exercise, listen to other people’s conversations and pay
attention to their voice. How do they sound? Happy, sad, nervous,
confident? Try watching a video that has people speaking a
language other than english and guess what they’re saying.!

• My Polish grandma who doesn't speak english can usually

understand basically what's going on in most TV shows just based
on the nonverbal communication - how the characters look at each
other, HOW they say what they say, etc. !

• She doesn't understand the definition/meaning of the words, but

still understands the overall context/plot usually. More complex
movies get twisted though.
 Should You Record
Yourself To Improve?
• Listening to how you sound will bring attention to parts you
need to improve.!

• You WILL hate the way you talk. I still find it hard to listen to
myself a lot of the time. Don't be too self critical at the
beginning.!

• In the short term, recording can actually make you worse

because you’ll feel a lot more nervous and self conscious.
It’ll take your attention off your message and onto yourself.
But usually worth it if you really want to improve.!

• As an end goal, don’t listen to yourself talk.

 How To Speak Louder:!
1. Cushion Of Air
• Deep belly breathing is the foundation. !

• Your words need a cushion of air to sound

good. Breath in before every sentence for practice.
Only speak when breathing out.!

• Practice: Lay down, breath in. Say letter of alphabet

while breathing out.
 How To Speak Louder:!
2. Speak Through, Not To

• Speak through people, not to them. Imagine

you're talking to someone 3-6 feet behind them.
You’ll think you’re being obnoxiously loud but you’re
just speaking normally.
 How To Speak Louder:!
3. Don’t Fade Out

• Don't fade out at the end - keep volume constant to

end of sentences.
 How To Speak Louder:
4. Chest Vs. Head Voice
• The chest voice uses your diaphragm to talk. This produces a
more resonant, deep, and attractive tone that carries. It cuts
through loud environments without having to yell or strain.!

• The head voice uses your throat to talk. This produces a thin,
light, and grating tone that falls short. It will not go far and is
the reason why shy people struggle to be heard. Then they
compensate by yelling which actually hurts their vocal chords.!

• Practice: Hum and and move the pitch slightly lower until
you can feel the vibration in your chest. Continue
humming and try to increase the vibration. Move back up to
nose/mouth, then down. Try with open mouth.
Vocal Tonality And
Expressiveness
Dominant Vs. Submissive
Submissive

Neutral

Dominant
• Dominant voices stay the same or lower in pitch
when finishing a sentence or phrase. It sounds like
you’re speaking your mind without hesitation.
Submissive voices rise in pitch almost as if you’re asking
a question (when you’re not) or looking for a response.
Dominant Vs. Submissive
Submissive

Neutral

Dominant

• Recognize and catch yourself when you revert to a

submissive voice. The two most common instances are
with people you are attracted to or intimidated of. Your
voice naturally weakens when nervous or in a position
where you feel inferior. Be proactive and work against it.
 Positive-Dominant:!
The Tonality Of High Status
Positive

Submissive Dominant

Negative

• Presence power and warmth — “Hey” exercise

 Pauses and !
Speaking Slower
• Many shy people believe rushing to say everything
will keep the listener’s attention. In fact, talking too
fast is difficult to understand, distracting, and will get
tuned out. !

• Annunciate your words clearly and fully. Take your

time to speak with purpose.!

• When nervous, talk slower than you think you

should. In music studios, singers go half as fast to
compensate for nervousness.
 How To Speak More Clearly
And Confidently
• Sometimes people don’t hear you well not because
you don’t talk loud enough, but because you don’t
talk CLEARLY enough. !

• Maybe mumbling or not pronouncing every syllable.!

• Exercises aren't meant to sound good. They are

meant to develop certain underdeveloped qualities
of your voice. Doing them often will stretch the limits
of your voice, will bleed into everyday usage.
 How To Speak More Clearly
And Confidently
• 1. Stress the vowels if
you mumble. “HEllO mY
nAYme Is shAAWn."!

• 2. Pencil exercise to
improve clarity.!

• 3. Connect-all-of-your
words-together.
 Extend Your Range
• if your problem is being too monotone, then practice talking in
a wacky way when you’re alone. Outside of your usual vocal
range or comfort zone. !

• Say the same thing in different tonalities. Happy, sad, angry,

excited, high, low, fast, slow.!

• Feel the emotion in your body as you speak. Fully commit

to each emotion. Not half-hearted. Improvisation theatre class
can be very good practice for this too.!

• Saying one thing in a tonality that doesn’t match is incongruent

= sarcastic, flirty, etc. Can be good to experiment with this.
Eye Contact and !
Body Language
 How To Make Good !
Eye Contact
• Avoid breaking eye contact downwards. Strong sign
of low status / submissiveness.!

• Strong eye contact during introductions is most

important. Hold it during first few seconds.!

• Afraid to do it? Practice making eye contact with

people on the street and get them to look away first.
 Eye Contact:!
Soft Focus
• The muscles around our eyes tense up when we’re
experiencing negative emotions.!

• Avoid having darting eyes that scan the environment.

Narrow, focused evaluative attention is usually the
result of anxiety - the fight or flight response.!

• Relaxed eyes project warmth.!

• Use your eyes to be expressive. Raise eyebrows to

show curiosity. Open eyes more to show surprise or
excitement.
 Posture
• Remember that your body is an instrument. The way
you stand will affect how your voice sounds.!

• Being slouched or hunched over a lot with bad posture

can make you feel and sound more negative/
depressed. (Researchers found changing your posture
actually boosts your testosterone and can make you
feel more confident.)!

• Stand up relaxed straight, shoulders back.!

• Chin should be up, parallel to the ground. (Big tip.)

 Body Language
• Closed body language: arms crossed, legs together, chin down,
tight movements. What people do when they feel threatened.!

• Open body language: arms uncrossed, legs further apart, more

expressive movements.!

• Hold your drink to your side. When you’re at a party or bar,

nothing shows you’re nervous like clenching a drink against your
chest. Always keep your glass down and to your side while not
drinking.!

• Take up more space. Keep your feet shoulder width apart when
standing and sitting. (Men) This demonstrates you are relaxed
and comfortable.
 Eliminate Nervous Ticks !
And Bad Habits
• Touching your face is a sign of discomfort usually.!

• Fidgeting makes you appear anxious and agitated.

Try to remain still most of the time. Nervousness
and uncomfortableness makes you fidget. Use
relaxation techniques.!

• Move smoothly and deliberately. Less fast

movements.
Conclusion
 This Module

• Status and non-verbal communication!

• Relaxation: the foundation!

• Voice: loudness, clarity, flow!

• Eye contact and body language

 Next Week
• Mindsets for naturally confident conversations.!

• If doing any of the positive, confident, expressive

voice exercises felt unnatural to you… it’s because
you need the inner mindsets to make it feel natural.!

• Going into an even deeper layer of conversation. I’ll

show you how social and popular people think a
certain way… that’s what makes them popular. And I’ll
show you how you can use the exact same mindsets
to get the friends, confidence and romance you want.