Module 3 Introduction:!

Mindsets, Make People

Like and Respect You
What We’ve Covered So Far

• Different types of conversations, what to say, and

how to keep a conversation going and avoiding
common mistakes shy people make when talking to
people.!

• Tricks to become more physically relaxed.

Exercises to speak up louder. Communicate high
status with your voice and body language.
What We’ll Cover
• Mindsets. Your outer
reality is a reflection of
your inner reality. !

• True self. How to stop

performing and make
conversations effortless. !

• Congruence. Eliminating
the gap between the
persona you project, and
your real core personality.
 The Problem With Only
Changing Outer Behavior/Words
• Your body is your unconscious mind. It projects to the outside
world what you feel on the inside.!

• Even if you make corrections in your overall body language, a

lack of confidence (low self esteem, negative feelings about
yourself) will still “show through” in your micro expressions.
Tension in your eyes, how quickly you look away at people,
whether you can “hold” the confidence under pressure, etc.!

• Congruence = being the same person on the inside and the

outside. Not trying to appear different than how you actually are.
People are very intuitive, they can sense incongruence from a
mile away.
 Belief Change Happens !
Out In The Real World
• This being said, these modules are going to be as
PRACTICAL as the first 2. New mindsets are not just
theory. No amount of chanting or repeating phrases to
yourself is going to overcome bad beliefs.!

• I’ll show you the PROCESS for forming new beliefs that
make you confident in this module, but it does involve
expanding your comfort zone. If you’re listening to this, it
means you want to change.!

• PUA lair example. Guy focusing on inner game for 3 years.

Now even more scared to approach a girl. Actions must
change along with new beliefs.
Mindset Hacking
Part 1
 What Is A Mindset?
• Mindset: Habit of mind formed through previous
experience that determines how you will interpret
and respond to situations. Revealed through words
you choose, how you say them, and other cues in
your body language.!

• Most people with shyness or social anxiety enter

social situations with an unconscious belief that
they will be rejected. You think other people won’t
like you.
• Shyness, quietness = behavioral strategy to avoid
attention, because attention probably leads to
rejection.
• Anxiety, nervousness = uncomfortable emotions
that arise when you expect you are likely to be
rejected. It’s almost like a warning signal from your
brain.

(Rejection activates the same part of the brain that

physical pain does, rejection from the tribe for our
ancestors meant no survival.)
• Self-consciousness, awkwardness = trying to see
yourself from the perspective of other people and
create a good impression. (To avoid rejection.)
• Isolation = acting as if you have some deep dark
secret that will mean instant loneliness if it were
discovered.
• Not Knowing What To Say = unconsciously
filtering your thoughts in some situations to make a
good impression on others.

Trying to make everything you say really

“interesting” or funny to get good reactions.

Maybe uncomfortable with silence.

Mindset Hacking
Part 2
Reversing The Cycle
Part 1
 How I Used To
Approach Girls
• See a girl, get really nervous, procrastinate, try to
think of what to say… Friend pushes me to go.
Finally walk up to her feeling bad and awkward
inside and speaking to quietly. Bomb and get
rejected over and over again.!

• Back then I had many insecurities: Didn’t like my

appearance, paranoid about people “finding out” I
was a loner and a loser, etc. Thought that my
appearance was causing my lack of success.
Why People Get Turned Off

• I’m sure you can relate. Maybe not rejected by hot

girl, but you felt at many times in your life unwanted
and forgotten. Like nobody makes an effort to get to
know you. Sitting alone in class.!

• Why don’t people like you? Why did I keep getting

rejected by girls in bars?
The Power Of Assumptions
• Our assumptions or predictions of what is going to
happen in social situations usually come true. What
do I mean by this? !

• If you assume you’ll be accepted, then you usually

will. And if you predict that you’ll get disapproval or
rejection, then you also usually will.!

• The key to making people like you is assuming

they will like you. Sounds like a paradox, but it’s
true…
 Assuming Acceptance
• If I had assumed that the girl would be attracted to me, or at least
that she would be friendly … then how would I have acted
instead?!

• Well, I probably wouldn’t have waited around before talking to her.

If I had assumed she would accept me, then I probably would
have simply walked over in a relaxed way, and said the first thing
that popped into my head. And then the conversation would have
gone from there.!

• I’ve approached plenty of other girls since then, and the biggest
thing that determined whether they accepted or rejected me was
my own behavior and my assumption of their acceptance. My
appearance barely changed.
 Assuming Acceptance
• You are always unconsciously broadcasting your
inner beliefs to the people around you. Through
your behaviour — from the way you make eye
contact, to your posture, to the tone of your voice, to
how open you feel to express your real personality
and humor.!

• People pick up on these signs or cues in your

behaviour. And this determines how they usually
respond to you.
 Assuming Acceptance
• So if you walk up to someone confident and relaxed,
with an assumption of acceptance, then that
communicates a lot about you. It communicates that: !

• you probably have a group of people who already

accept you. !

• you consider yourself valuable and worth getting to

know. !

• you believe you have something to offer this person.

Versus Assuming Rejection
• On the other hand, if you walk up to someone nervous
and insecure, then what does that communicate? Well,
probably most people don’t like you — otherwise why
would you be so scared? You probably don’t have a lot to
offer — maybe you’re trying to get something from this
person or trick them. And you probably don’t consider
yourself valuable.!

• And if people can see through your lack of confidence

that YOU yourself don’t think you are valuable, then why
should they think you are valuable? (After all, who knows
you better than you know yourself?)
Insecurity And Assumptions

• Shyness and social anxiety is usually an

assumption of disapproval. Feelings of nervousness
and anxiety before talking to a girl reveal your belief
that you will probably get rejected.!

• Assumption of Disapproval: The feeling like

people won’t like you for some reason. Or believing
that “the real you” is unacceptable. Feeling like you
need to hide parts of yourself to get acceptance.
• Why are you afraid to talk to that girl or guy you like? The fear
comes from a prediction that they will reject you. If you really
believed, deep down, that you two would have a great
conversation, then why would you be afraid?!

• Why do you find it so difficult to hold conversations, especially

with people you don’t know well? The biggest thing that kills you
and makes you “run out of things to say” is thinking you need to
say some super-interesting thing. You assume they will
disapprove of you unless you perform for them.!

• Why is it hard for people with social anxiety to form close

friendships or relationships? Well, since you can’t easily relax
around someone and “put your real self” out there until you have
known them for a long time, it becomes very difficult to connect.
The reason why you have this fear of vulnerability is because
you unconsciously assume people wouldn’t like the real you.
 Common Insecurities
• Appearance: Maybe you think you are too ugly. Or too tall or
short. Too skinny or fat. Maybe your teeth are crooked or your
nose is too big. Maybe your penis or breasts are too small.!

• Lifestyle: Or maybe you have no social life and try to hide it from
people. Maybe you think your lifestyle is boring and uninteresting.
Maybe you believe that, because you’re a loner or a virgin, that
means that people simply won’t like you.!

• Self: Or maybe your anxiety and shyness itself is what you feel
insecure about. Whenever you start feeling nervous, you try to
hide it from people. You don’t want anyone to notice when your
heart starts beating faster, or when you’re sweating, shaking, or
blushing.
 Finding Your Insecurity
• Toxic Shame: Belief that you’re unworthy of love. Often
caused by bullying at a young age or parental
abandonment experiences. (Ex: My parents were working
in business 6 days a week while I was growing up.)!

• People who fear rejection usually act as if they have some

deep dark secret that would mean instant loneliness if it
were discovered. - Jonathan Berent!

• Here’s an important question I ask most of my clients:

“What is the thing you are the most worried about
people noticing or finding out about you…that would
lead them to reject you?”
 People Hate Your Feeling Of
Insecurity, Not The Thing You Are
Insecure About Itself
• People usually don’t mind your insecurity. If you don’t believe me,
then look around. Even ugly, obese people have friends. Even
stinky homeless people have boyfriends and girlfriends. Even
people who are completely unintelligent and watch reality TV all
day have confidence.!

• No matter what you think your “flaw” or “defect” is … you can

find people with the exact same “flaw” who are able to have
friends, confidence, or romance!!

• This is something that took me a long time to accept. I fought this

idea and resisted it. I thought that my appearance was the real
reason for my lack of confidence and a girlfriend.
 Moving Towards An
Assumption Of Acceptance
• The key to making people like you is not in trying to appear
flawless or perfect, or trying to fit into some mould
promoted by the media for how you “should” be…!

• The key to making people like you is being comfortable

with yourself first. When you are comfortable with
yourself instead of being haunted by low self-esteem and
self-shame, then you get rid of the assumption of
disapproval that sabotages you.!

• Once you get good at assuming people will like you, you’ll
see them respond much differently. Not just girls who you
talk to, but people you meet in many other situations, too.
• It’s very hard (almost impossible) to try changing your beliefs
directly.!

• Some types of therapy try to do this, by making you write down

all your thoughts and realizing the flawed logic behind them.!

• But what you CAN change is the other boxes in the cycle, and
then that will indirectly change your beliefs.
Reversing The Cycle
Part 2
• How to get over toxic shame and other basic
starting points of feeling inferior?
Getting Rid Of Insecurities
• “What are you most afraid of people noticing about you,
that will lead them to reject you?” What do you feel afraid
to share?!

• Vulnerability - Whatever you feel ashamed or insecure

about, find a safe person to share it with. Why therapy or
men’s groups help.!

• Reality Testing - By exposing your “flaws” to someone

you trust, you can slowly dissolve the shame around them.!

• “Shame needs secrecy to grow.” - Brene Brown

 Other Ways
• Don’t buy into the media’s value system. Media
makes you think that good looking person = most
valuable. It’s really just LUCK in getting the right
genes! Would you think a lottery winner was
superior to you.!

• Inner critic - Speak to yourself in a more

compassionate self-soothing way. Beating yourself
up over mistakes just reinforces shame. How would
you talk to a 5 year old child struggling with your
problem?
 Other Ways
• Give up comparison. You are not other people and
should not try to measure up to their standards. In
the same way, they should not try to be you.
People’s value is in their uniqueness. There is only
one of you.!

• Comparison is a losing game because you will

never win. Best to simply compare your current
achievements with your past self and feel proud for
your progress. Other people’s background and
talents or challenges are not the same as yours.
 Other Ways
• Unconditional Self Acceptance. Accept yourself with all your
flaws and shortcomings just as you are now. !

• Look for that feeling of shame around any part of your

appearance, your performance or success in life, your sexual
drives, etc. That’s the part of yourself you most need to accept.!

• “Insecurities are about as useful as trying to put the pin back in

the grenade.” -Brandon Boyd!

• This is NOT about giving up improvement… “It’s funny how only

when I accept myself, then I can change.” - Carl Rogers!

• All leading to the PRIME BELIEF…

 “You Are Enough”
• When you feel like you are perfectly okay as you
are, and that people could like you just for you,
then a lot of the nervousness goes away.!

• No longer trying to put on a performance or hide

parts of yourself to make people like you.!

• Allows you to open up and talk to people in a much

more relaxed way, without that guardedness.
• Assumption of acceptance. Approach people with
the same warm welcoming energy as you would an
old friend. Expect them to be nice and friendly.!

• Other high status behaviors will get people to

begin to respond to you differently. Start to get new
and different evidence where people listen to you
and like you more.
• Meet new people. People usually give a lot of “weight” to the first
impression they have of you. Will see you as either a shy or
confident person for a long time just based on first meeting.!

• You also set “anchors” in your own brain. Usually will feel and act
different based on environment and people in it. Use this to your
advantage, meet lots of people who don’t know “the old you.” Just
being around the same people doesn’t break the cycle of old
patterns.!

• Backpacking example. College. Cruise ship.

• When you have a certain belief, your mind is
designed to focus its attention on finding real
world evidence to back up that belief.!

• Example: Look around at all red objects.!

• Example: God’s miracles.

• “What the thinker thinks, the prover proves.”
-Robert Anton Wilson!

• Your beliefs distort your perception of objective

reality. Social anxiety example: people laughing at
me. Assumed any attention was negative instead of
positive - reinforcing beliefs.
• Be careful about what evidence you focus on. Socially anxious
people constantly relive and reimagine past embarrassing
situations in their head. Drill that negative evidence into their head
more.!

• Overcome this by consciously choosing to replay positive

evidence over and over again. In the beginning, you’ll have to
ignore a lot of negative and focus on a little positive, but soon your
confidence and assumptions will get better, and you’ll get even
more positive evidence.
• Memories are context-driven. This means that you
remember memories that are related to your current
environment or mood more easily.!

• When you feel bad, lonely and depressed, all you can
see is evidence for your current mood. My texting
example from a few days ago, later realized the majority
did text back, and i just focused on the ones that didn’t.
• Getting obsessed over how someone treated
you or what they said to you.!

• “He who angers you conquers you.” - E. Kenny!

• “If a small thing has the power to make you angry,

does that not indicate something about your size?”
-Sydney J. Harris
• Empowering Interpretations. Always try to spin
what happened in the most positive way possible.
Example: “I’m so awkward.” (Causes you to feel
more nervous.) -> “Conversations with strangers
often start out a bit awkward in the beginning.”!

• “Everything is a learning experience and I am

improving my social skills over time.”
• Empowering Interpretations.!

• It’s not that I got rejected. It’s just that we didn’t have personal chemistry or
anything in common. That’s okay, there’s 7 billion on the planet, and everybody
is NOT supposed to like each other.!

• One person’s opinion of me doesn’t make or break me. Who are they, the
president of the world? One person = one vote. Don’t overgeneralize that
every other person has the same attitude or preferences as the ONE who
didn’t like you.!

• One of the worst beliefs: “It’s important that I make everyone like me.” A better
belief: “I have certain views, opinions and values, and I will not change
them to suit other people. If they don’t like it, then that’s their freedom.”
• Destigmatize (remove shame from) Discomfort. “What
I’m going through is normal, and lots of other people have
felt the same way too.” - Olivia Fox Cabane!

• Imagine other people going through the same thing. Remind

yourself that it’s really just a chemical reaction in your body.!

• “The more personal an experience, the more general.” We

usually assume we are special snowflakes. The fact that
this course EXISTS means your problems are not unique.
Conclusion
 Next Week…
• The final module of Conversation Hacking, where I’ll
show you how to become your “True Self” in social
situations more often… which will make it really
easy to quickly connect with new friends, dates or
people in your career.!

• The Truth About Having An Interesting Personality!

• Last Minute Confidence