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Super Literature Stadium Miracle Baseball by

! TITLES Opening credits are superimposed over screenshots of the city to the sounds of a classic French accordion. FADE IN: The solitude of a misanthropic mime pervades the screen as we watch her blow the dandelion in poetic grace. A caption reads: Au milieu de l'hiver, j'ai dcouvert en moi un invincible t -Albert Camus FADE IN: EXT. CAFE - DAY Holden sits alone with a sole glass of water at the otherwise empty table. HOLDEN This place is so phony. A mysterious figure leaps onto the scene and leaves a small green card. The card reads, For a good time, call *insert random number here* HOLDEN What phony piece of paper is this? Hmm... I am so lonely from isolating myself from people as a form of protection after my brothers death, I might as well. Holden dials the number in desperation for human interaction. After, Alyona Ivanovna answers. HOLDEN Hello?

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! INTERCUT BETWEEN ALYONA EXT. SEDUCTIVE AREA BETWEEN TWO TREES - DAY ALYONA Zdrastvoyte 1920s-style title card appears. Elegant motifs around the edge of the frame. A clean, serif font gives the English translation: Hello. HOLDEN Povtaryte pa rooski? Title card: You speak Russian? ALYONA Da. Da. Kak dela? Title card: Yes. How are you? HOLDEN I am lonely. ALYONA I will comfort you, because I am a prostitute now. HOLDEN All right, but dont be so phony for chrissake. Time passes. Alyona appears at the cafe table in a Russian flourish.

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! CONTINUED: ALYONA !! You called? Unperturbed by Alyonas repelling nature, Holden strikes up conversation, ignoring Alyonas sexual advance. HOLDEN Goddam. Chrissake. How are you? ALYONA Ya horosho. Title card: I am good. Suddenly overcome in Holdenesque antisocialness, he freaks out about the thought of talking to a prostitute. HOLDEN No! No. Goddam. Why would I call for a good time with some crummy old phony? ALYONA ! (emotionally wounded) (seductively)

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How ever will I make a living now that my pawnbrokerage is no longer a source of income and I have turned to the oldest profession much like that sinful Sonia? The mysterious figure from above enters, revealing herself to be a mime. Obviously upset, the mime waves her hands about in elaborate mime sign language. (CONTINUED)

! CONTINUED: Title card: I am disappointed in your words, Holden, but I believe in second chances. I gave you the chance to break your isolation, and you squandered like a buffoon. To prove that you yourself are not phony, you have one hour to form a baseball team. You shall bring your team to the Wrigley Field, where you will face me in nine innings that shall determine your fate. If you pass my test, you will be allowed to continue your life as you wish. If you fail, you will be cursed to the same silent, colorless world that I was cursed to many years ago -and I will inherit your voice. Exit Mime. HOLDEN Wha-, wait! What am I supposed to do now? Er, lady, I know we got off to a bad start, but would you like join my baseball team? Im real desperate. Alyona sighs and nods in acceptance. HOLDEN I only got an hour, so lets go find some more players.

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EXT. FOREST - DAY Holden and Alyona run looking for recruits. EXT. DUCK POND - DAY A quick, traumatic flashback of Holden smiling with ducks. EXT. SIDE OF NAMELESS STREET - DAY A sleepy bum of a man lays in the street. Desperate for recruits, Holden asks the man for help. (CONTINUED)

! CONTINUED: HOLDEN Hey, you there! Care to help me win a baseball game? ABEL WHITTLE ! (startled)

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Huh? What? Yes sir. Of course. , I am sorry to be sleeping. Yes sir, join your team, I can. HOLDEN Good! Now we just need one more player. ABEL Ye see. EXT. DUCK POND - DAY A slower, more poetic flashback of Holden with ducks. INT. BILLIARD ROOM - EVENING Smoke slightly mars the clarity of the room. The sounds of billiards echo in the background. Alone and more than tipsy, Rinaldi finds company in the approaching group. In an exaggerated Italian accent and elaborate hand movements, Rinaldi greets them. RINALDI Hey, baby! I have syphilis! HOLDEN ! (sarcastically)

Thats grand. Wanna play some ball with us? (CONTINUED)

! CONTINUED RINALDI Sure thing, baby. First, we drink. EXT. DUCK POND - DAY A brief, unsettling flashback of Holden smiling with ducks. EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD - DAY A bright, slightly windy day greets the players. We see the backs of each of the players jerseys. Each having a symbolic number. Holden is one half because he is half way between childhood and adulthood. Alyona is two for the pervasive duality in Crime and Punishment and the over 200 instances of the word two. Rinaldi is 101 which is binary for five, representing the five main characters of A Farewell to Arms - Catherine, Helen Ferguson, The Priest, Rinaldi, and Frederic and for no other reason whatsoever. Abel Whittle is zero because he is incompetent. Mime does a simple pantomime. Title card: I see you have successfully gathered together a set of abel bodied players to test me and my baguettes strength. Mime brandishes a delicious, french baguette. HOLDEN Yes, I have. And with my brother Allies old baseball mitt, I am ready to make all sorts of literarily symbolic victories in this game. We see the poetry inscribed on the glove. (A Draught of Sunshine by John Keats) Mime responds in a characteristic mute flair for hand movement.

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! CONTINUED: Title card: We shall soon see if you will keep your voice or if I will finally have the privilege you have taken for granted your entire life. If nothing else, I hope to instill an appreciation for the absurd and to end your isolation as a form of protection against the inevitability of growing up. For now, I must take your voice, because I am wicked. The scene descends into colorless silence. Holden emphatically agrees. Title card: Ok. Mime does an uncharacteristically hyperbolized session of mimelike hand movement of incredible length and complexity. Title card: Ok. Alyona does some Russian dance. Title card: Prepared to be metaphorically axed. Rinaldi is happily inebriated. Title card: Baby, this is like world war one. And you are Germany. Abel sleepily continues the verbal insults. Title card: Ye see. We soon be ont. Ye sir. Title card: ? In epic slow motion, the players take their stances. Intense, action filled sequences of baseball activity take place as we slowly see the victory of the Holden Outfielders verses the Metaphor Mimes unfold.

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! CONTINUED: Alyona goes up to bat. She makes contact with the invisible ball with her invisible bat. Title card: Crack! The Mime makes a spectacular miss with his invisible glove. Each player goes up to bat. Each time, the Mime makes another tragic miss with his invisible glove. Eventually, he is forced to summon his league of mute mime minions. A posy of striped French mime rappers enter in an intimidating gangster flair. EXT. DUCK POND - DAY An excessively frightening flashback sequence of Holden smiling with ducks. EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD, DUGOUT - DAY The Holden Outfielders are close to the win and are discussing things in the dugout. Rinaldi speaks. Title card: Baby, this has been fun, it reminds me of my many nights with the women of Italy. Team members nod in agreement. Rinaldi speaks again. Title card: I have something to say. I love Frederic Henry! Silence.

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! CONTINUED: Team members clap. Holden then speaks. Title card: I too have something to say. Team members speak. Title card: What is the problem? Holden answers. Title card: I have been having terrible flashbacks with some ducks and I dont know what they are. Mime walks past suspiciously in the background. Alyona answers. Title card: These flashbacks youve been having. I have had similar flashbacks, but with an axe. Ever since being bludgeoned to near death I have had an intense fear of axes. Team members stare. Alyona continues. Title card: Yes. I have since reconciled this fear. At least I hope so. In fact, any pointed object - even baguettes - freak me out. Team member look on with in bewilderment. Alyona continues. Title card: My advice to you Holden, is to think about what these ducks mean to you.

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! CONTINUED: Holden ponders this for a moment. Upon happily reaching an answer, he explains his revelation.

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Title card: This whole time I have wondered about these ducks. What I have really wondered was about me! I now realize the importance of growing up and that its ok to fall of carousels. Team members look on. Holden continues. Title card: And my brother Allie was kind of annoying! Team members look quizzical. Just then, the Mime comes up to the team to tell them that they must resume playing using his baguette emphatically. I a mistaken fit of rage, Alyona falls dead, mistaking the baguette for an axe. Title card: Bozha moi! [My god!] Not another axe! The Mime looks carelessly at the dead body. With a renewed vigor, the team returns to the field. With Abel Whittle up to bat, he makes an impassioned speech. Title card: FOR ALYONA IVANOVNA, SHE WAS OK! The Mime determinedly pitches the invisible ball. Abel Whittle hits an invisible home run. The Holden Outfielders cheer and celebrate as sound and color gradually return. The Mime sulks over.

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! CONTINUED: HOLDEN Thank you for giving our voices back. In return, we made you a team shirt. Overcome with emotion, the Mime turns colorful and finally speak. MIME

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I can speak! I only need to feel the power of love! Thank you for this symbolic transaction of friendship, everyone. HOLDEN That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may thinkthere is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, some creepy mime is going to sneak up and totally mess up your life and make you find some random people from literature and play some baseball at Wrigley Field. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say "Holden Caulfield" on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under there will be a mime wielding a baguette. A dance party ensues. Always slightly intoxicated, Rinaldi breaks his foot. RINALDI Baby! I broke my foot! INT. CHIROPODIST OFFICE - EVENING Rinaldi looks into the dreamy eyes of the male chiropodist. (CONTINUED)

! CONTINUED: RINALDI The pain in my foot is nothing like the pain of war, the pain of syphilis. CHIROPODIST (smiling) You are quite valient. You show a different kind of masculinity. RINALDI Thanks, baby. You have fixed my foot. CHIROPODIST You are welcome. RINALDI Tell me, baby, when you lie here all the time fixing peoples feet in hot weather dont you get excited? CHIROPODIST ! Sometimes. Two red birds playing in the background can be seen. (after a pause)

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