Goals of Interpersonal Effectiveness

OBJECTIVES EFFECTIVENESS:

Getting Your Objectives or Goals in a Situation

§ Obtaining your legitimate rights

§ Getting another to do something
§ Refusing an unwanted or unreasonable request
§ Resolving an interpersonal conflict
§ Getting your opinion or point of view taken seriously

QUESTIONS
1. What specific results or changes do I want from this interaction?
2. What do I have to do to get the results? What will work?

RELATIONSHIP EFFECTIVENESS:
Getting or Keeping a Good Relationship

§ Acting in such a way that the other person keeps liking and respecting you
§ Balancing immediate goals with the good of the long-term relationship

QUESTIONS
1. How do I want the other person to feel about me after the interaction is over?
2. What do I have to do to get (or keep) this relationship?

SELF-RESPECT EFFECTIVENESS:

Keeping or Improving Self-Respect and Liking for Yourself

§ Respecting your own values and beliefs; acting in a way that feels moral to you
§ Acting in a way that makes you feel capable and effective

QUESTIONS
1. How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction is over?
2. What do I have to do to feel that way about myself? What will work?

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 Factors Reducing Interpersonal Effectiveness
LACK OF SKILL

You actually DON'T KNOW what to say or how to act. You don't know how you should
behave to achieve your objectives. You don't know what will work. Maybe these skills were
not reinforced in your environment.

WORRY THOUGHTS
Worry thoughts get in the way of your ability to act effectively. You have the ability, but your
worry thoughts interfere with doing or saying what you want.

• EMOTIONS WORRIES ABOUT BAD CONSEQUENC

Your emotions (ANGER, FRUSTRATION, FEAR, GUILT) get in the way of your ability to act
effectively. You have the ability, but your emotions make you unable to do or say what you
"They won't like me," "She will think I am stupid."
want. Emotions, instead of skill, control what you say and do.

• WORRIES ABOUT WHETHER YOU DESERVE TO GET WHAT YOU WA

INDECISION
You CAN'T DECIDE what to do or what you really want. You have the ability, but your
"I am such agets
indecision bad in
person I don't
the way of deserve
doing orthis."
saying what you want. You are ambivalent about your
priorities. You can't figure out how to balance:

• § Asking for too much versus not asking for anything.

WORRIES ABOUT NOT BEING EFFECTIVE AND CALLING YOURSELF NAM
§ Saying ‘no’ to everything versus giving in to everything

"I won't do it right," "I'll probably fall apart," "I'm so stupid."

ENVIRONMENT
Characteristics of the environment make it impossible for even a very skilled person to be
effective. SKILLFUL BEHAVIOR DOESN'T WORK.

§ Other people are too powerful.

§ Other people will be threatened or have some other reason for not liking you if you
get what you want.
§ Other people won't give you what you need or let you say no without punishing you
unless you sacrifice your self-respect, at least a little.
§ System barriers.

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 Reality Statements for Interpersonal Effectiveness
1. It is OK to want or need something from someone else.

2. I have a choice to ask someone for what I want or need.

3. I can stand it if I don't get what I want or need.

4. The fact that someone says no to my request doesn't mean I should not have asked in the
first place.

5. If I didn't get my objectives, that doesn't mean I didn't go about it in a skillful way.

6. Standing up for myself over "small" things can be just as important as "big" things are to
others.

7. I can insist on my rights and still be a good person.

8. I sometimes have a right to assert myself, even though I may inconvenience others.

9. The fact that other people might not be assertive doesn't mean that I shouldn't be.

10. I can understand and validate another person, and still ask for what I want.

11. There is no law that says other people's opinions are more valid than mine.

12. I may want to please people I care about, but I don't have to please them all the time.

13. Giving, giving, giving is not the be-all of life. I am an important person in this world, too.

14. If I refuse to do a favor for people, that doesn't mean I don't like them. They will probably
understand that too.

15. I am under no obligation to say yes to people simply because they ask a favor of me.

16. The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.

17. If I say no to people and they get angry, that does not mean that I should have said yes.

18. I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed with me.

OTHERS:
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

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 Using “I Messages” To Communicate
I feel…
• Identify Emotion
• Not “I Think”
• Answer “What am I experiencing?”

When you…
• Identify the behavior
• Separate the behavior from person
• No labeling or attacking

Because…
• Connect emotion with behavior
• Answer “Why?”

I would like…
• Be specific about need/request
• Don’t expect compliance
• Express it without the anger

Examples

“I feel frustrated when you leave the dishes in the sink after every meal because I like
to keep the kitchen clean and available for use. I would like to find a way for us to
share the chores more.”

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 Two Interpersonal Skills

Saying NO (GIVE)
What makes saying “no” difficult?

It can be difficult to say no to people who make demands of us. If we say no, we can get caught up
in self-critical thoughts leading us to feel guilty. To avoid feeling guilty, we just keep saying “yes” to
every request.

Why is saying “no” important?

Saying “no” allows us to be firm and set boundaries with others.

How do we say “no”? (GIVE)

(be) Gentle and clear in saying “no” with clarity and not overexplain
(act) Interested through your langauge and body
Validate what the person wants and why they would want that
(use an) Easy manner

Asking for what you want (DEAR MAN)

Describe the situation so that you and other person both have the facts.

Express your feeling/opinions on the situation. Use your tone, facial expression, and gestures to
capture the content of what you are expressing. Work towards a balance between being
expressive and maintaining a sense of control. Use “I” statements as needed.

Assert yourself and ask for what you want/don’t want. Work towards a balance between asserting
your needs and staying away from aggressiveness (including passive aggressiveness). Be
matter-of-fact as you assert your points.

Reinforce why they should respond to your request and reinforce your relationship. Others want to
feel good about complying with requests and not coerced. If you make promises, keep them
realistic and follow through.

(stay) Mindful by not allowing distracting thoughts or intense emotions to stop you from your
objective. Practice radical acceptance and mindful breathing to stay in the moment.

Appear confident. Stand up straight and make eye contact. Remember you are deserving.

Negotiate if needed to find a “good enough” solution. You can respect other peoples’ limits. When
you are capable of negotiating you are more likely to be seen as a reasonable person.

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 Goals and Priorities in Interpersonal Situations
Use this sheet to figure out your goals and priorities in any situation that creates a problem
for you, such as ones where: 1) your rights or wishes are not being respected, 2) you want
someone to do or change something or give you something, 3) you want or need to say no
or resist pressure to do something, 4) you want to get your position or point of view taken
seriously, 5) there is conflict with another person. Observe and describe in writing as close in
time to the situation as possible. Write on back of page if you need more room.

PROMPTING EVENT for my problem: Who did what to whom? What led up to what? What is it about this
situation that is a problem for me?

My WANTS AND DESIRES in this situation:

OBJECTIVES: What specific results do I want? What changes do I want the person to make?

RELATIONSHIP: How do I want the other person to feel about me after the interaction?

SELF-RESPECT: How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction?

My PRIORITIES in this situation: Rate priorities 1 (most important), 2 (second most important), or 3 (least
important).

___ OBJECTIVES ___ RELATIONSHIP ___ SELF-RESPECT

CONFLICTS IN PRIORITIES that make it hard to be effective in this situation?