Content Reading for Module 3 topic ‘Sibling Relationship’

Improving sibling relationships

Psychologists’ research shows that these long-lasting
relationships are more critical than many people think
and offers insights on how to improve them
By Kirsten WeirDate created: March 1, 202213 min read
Vol. 53 No. 2

Eight in 10 children in the United States are growing up with a sibling—more than the
number of kids living with a father. Yet sibling relationships earn a fraction of the attention
that family studies researchers have cast on other close relationships. But ignoring the role
of brothers and sisters in children’s growth and well-being is a mistake, said Susan McHale,
PhD, a professor of human development and family studies at Penn State University. Over
the course of childhood, she and her colleagues have found, children spend more out-of-
school time with their siblings than with anyone else, including parents and friends. And
over a lifetime, siblings are often the people with whom an individual will ultimately share
the most years. “Siblings are most people’s longest-lasting relationships—from early in
childhood through old age. This means they can understand you in ways other people
can’t,” she said.
In the process, brothers and sisters affect each other directly and indirectly, said Shawn
Whiteman, PhD, a professor of human development and family studies at Utah State
University. On one hand, siblings support and learn from one another. On the other, they
compete for parental attention and can introduce one another to risky behaviors, including
substance use and sex. “The sibling relationship has the ability to uniquely shape a child’s
behavior, adjustment, and well-being, for better and worse,” Whiteman said.
Well into adulthood, siblings keep influencing one another’s mental health and well-being.
Warm sibling relationships—those with more affection and intimacy and less conflict—are a
source of material and emotional support, with the power to protect against loneliness and
depression. But research shows that fraught sibling relations are associated with a host of
negative outcomes in adulthood, including depressive symptoms and substance use.
Add to that, sibling relationships are rarely clear-cut, which can make them especially tricky
to navigate. “We often find that siblings who have intense conflict are also intensely loyal
and loving to one another,” McHale said.
Despite the complexity of sibling relationships, psychologists are fleshing out the ways in
which they matter. In childhood, these relationships have significant influence on
development, in some cases greater than the influence of parents or peers. Sibling conflict,
however, can be stressful for entire families—and may contribute to depression and
loneliness among adults. Fortunately, the research is also pointing toward ways to help
siblings get along.
Sibling relationships in childhood
Though research on siblings has lagged, these relationships are gaining more attention as
psychologists find increasing evidence of their importance for development and well-being,
said Laurie Kramer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Northeastern University who studies the
mechanisms by which young children can develop positive relationships with their siblings.
“We’re learning more and more about their significance and how siblings help one
another—and create conflict—across the life span.”
From early childhood, siblings are important teachers. They model how to behave at home
and in the world and can offer practical advice on everything from math homework to
asking a crush on a date. “Siblings often have a better sense of what you’re experiencing
with peers or with parts of your world that parents don’t have access to or don’t see in the
same way. That shared perspective is one of the facets that makes sibling relationships so
valuable for child development,” Kramer said. And that shared experience continues to be
important far into the future. “No one else will know what it was like growing up with your
parents in your household, and that sense of being understood by another person can be
incredibly powerful,” she added.
Sibling warmth and support in childhood has been linked to a number of positive outcomes,
including peer acceptance and social competence, academic engagement and educational
attainment, and intimate relationships in adolescence and young adulthood, as McHale and
colleagues described in a review of sibling dynamics in childhood. Warm sibling relationships
can also help buffer against the negative effects of stressful life events such as bullying or
parental hostility, they found (Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review,Vol. 15, No. 1,
2012).
Children can also learn bad habits from their brothers and sisters. “Siblings can shape risky
behaviors during adolescence,” said Whiteman, who is studying how siblings influence
substance use in adolescence. He’s found, for instance, that older siblings often introduce
younger siblings to alcohol directly by providing it or by drinking with them. But older
siblings also influence younger siblings’ alcohol use indirectly by shaping their expectations
about drinking (Addictive Behaviors,Vol. 53, 2016). “Having an older brother or sister who
uses substances makes you more likely to use them. And if you look up to them, you’re
much more likely to engage in substance use,” he said.
Sibling conflict can also lead to negative consequences. While minor squabbles can help
children learn to solve problems and navigate conflict, high levels of conflict and aggression
between siblings can have lasting effects on a child’s mental health.
In a longitudinal study of U.S. adolescents, McHale and colleagues studied sibling relational
aggression—nonphysical aggression such as excluding or belittling a sibling. They found
sibling relational aggression was associated with depression, low self-worth, and
participation in risky behaviors. But those negative outcomes differ somewhat in boys
versus girls, older versus younger siblings, and siblings in mixed-gender versus same-gender
pairs. In other words, there’s more work to be done to fully understand the complex ways
siblings can harm one another through mean behavior, McHale said (Journal of Youth and
Adolescence,Vol. 47, No. 10, 2018).
All told, sibling interactions and relationships deserve much more attention from parents,
educators, mental health professionals, and researchers, said Whiteman. “Sibling
relationships predict youth outcomes above and beyond the influence of parents and
peers.”

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Healthy adult relationships

Sibling relationships remain important well into the adult years. Though siblings may
interact less frequently as they get older, some research suggests that they may start
getting along better in young adulthood. Whiteman found that siblings report less conflict
over the course of young adulthood (Journal of Family Psychology,Vol. 32, No. 3, 2018). He
also found that while young adults reported communicating less frequently with siblings
after leaving home, they considered those talks more meaningful and felt they better
understood their siblings in emerging adulthood (Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships,Vol. 36, No. 8, 2019). Sibling support also has tangible benefits in early
adulthood. A longitudinal study of university students found that when pursuing personal
goals, sibling support is as advantageous as support from parents and peers (Audet, É. C., et
al., Family Relations,Vol. 70, No. 5, 2021).
Having close sibling relationships in childhood continues to impact well-being well into
middle age. Harvard University psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, MD, and colleagues explored
the influence of siblings using data from the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has
followed male subjects since 1938. They found participants who reported poorer
relationships with siblings at age 18 or 19 had a greater likelihood of major depression and
use of mood-altering drugs by age 50. That pattern held even after adjusting for the quality
of the participants’ relationship with parents (The American Journal of Psychiatry,Vol. 164,
No. 6, 2007).
Siblings keep influencing one another as they age, said Megan Gilligan, PhD, an associate
professor of human development and family studies at Iowa State University who
researches sibling relationships in older adults. And the quality of those relationships
continues to have implications for well-being. In a study of older adult siblings, Gilligan
found participants generally reported high levels of warmth and low levels of conflict. Sister-
sister pairs were especially likely to report warm relationships. Warm sibling relationships,
in turn, seemed to protect against loneliness. However, older adults who reported more
sibling conflict and parental favoritism in adulthood were more likely to experience
symptoms of depression, anxiety, hostility, and loneliness (Journal of Family Psychology,Vol.
34, No. 2, 2020). “Siblings are really influential in mental health, well beyond childhood and
adolescence,” she said.
How to build strong relationships
Parents can help improve these critical relationships from the beginning. According to family
researchers, one of the most important things parents can do early on is to avoid behavior
that can be seen as favoring one child over another. “Children are keen observers of how
they are treated differently from their brothers or sisters,” Whiteman said. “The perception
that you’re not the favored one is linked to poor adjustment and impacts the quality of
relationships with your parents and your siblings.”
“Differential parental treatment,” as researchers describe the phenomenon, can affect
every child in the family and can continue to drive a wedge well into adulthood, Gilligan
said. “The presence of favoritism, even if you’re the favored one, can cause competition and
conflict. Perceptions of favoritism also exacerbate conflict during times of stress, such as
when caring for parents later in life,” she said.
To avoid this major source of conflict, parents should regularly consider if they are creating
a fair environment, Whiteman said. Parents should avoid comparing siblings or setting them
up to compete with one another. And hard as it may be, they should try not to take sides
when siblings argue. Parents do sometimes need to treat kids differently. “But it has to be
fair. Justice is very important for children,” he said. If parents tell their daughter she can’t
stay out as late as her brother but don’t give an explanation, she might see it as favoritism.
Instead, they should explain that she has an earlier curfew because she’s younger, and she’ll
probably recognize the argument as just.
Parents can also foster close sibling relationships by promoting healthy relationships with
other friends and family members. Kramer followed sibling pairs for 13 years, beginning
before the birth of the second child, and looked at a number of different factors to predict
which siblings would have the most positive relationships. She found that preschoolers who
had a positive relationship with a best friend before their sibling was born were more likely
to have a good relationship with their brother or sister. “Best friendships were the most
predictive thing—even more important than the quality of the older child’s relationship with
their mother,” she said.
Parents should also proactively coach young children on how to get along, according to
psychologists. When siblings are left to sort out problems on their own, they’re likely to
continue fighting—and that unresolved conflict can intensify, potentially leading to sibling
bullying or aggression. Kramer’s research indicates that parents can help their children
develop skills to manage sibling conflict by teaching them to express their points of view in a
disagreement and actively solving problems with their kids to help them find solutions to
their arguments (Kramer, L., et al., in Fiese, B. H., et al. [Eds.], APA Handbook of
Contemporary Family Psychology: Foundations, Methods, and Contemporary Issues Across
the Lifespan, 2019). Once they’re sure the kids have the skills to manage conflict, then
parents can begin to step back to let them solve problems on their own.
“It’s important to put intentional strategies into place. When children lacking these skills are
left to their own devices, they flounder,” Kramer said. “Every day, parents have so many
opportunities to help children develop a more positive relationship with one another.”
To help with that goal, Kramer and colleagues created the More Fun with Sisters and
Brothers program, a free online intervention for families with two children between the
ages of 4 and 8. The intervention teaches parents strategies to help their children develop
social and emotional competencies, such as accepting or appropriately declining invitations
to play, regulating emotions, and managing conflict. A study of the intervention found
children whose families participated had greater emotional regulation and better sibling
relationship quality at the end of the monthlong intervention than those in a wait list
control group (Journal of Family Psychology, Vol. 29, No. 3, 2015). What’s more, the study
found the intervention also relieved mothers’ stress and depression by improving family
harmony.
McHale and her colleagues—Penn State psychologist Mark Feinberg, PhD; Arizona State
researcher Kimberly Updegraff, PhD; and Harvard University researcher Adriana Umaña-
Taylor PhD—have created and tested the Siblings Are Special program, a 12-session after-
school intervention for siblings in elementary school. One randomized controlled trial found
the program enhanced positive sibling relationships and improved children’s self-control,
social competence, and even academic performance (Journal of Adolescent Health,Vol. 53,
No. 2, 2013). A second trial involving low-income Latino families also found positive effects,
including improvements in sibling relationships, parent-child relationships, and older
siblings’ emotional efficacy (Journal of Family Psychology,Vol. 30, No. 5, 2016). In both
cases, the intervention also reduced depressive symptoms in mothers. “That’s not surprising
when you consider that sibling conflict is one of parents’ largest everyday stressors,”
McHale said.
Resolving conflicts isn’t the only way parents can foster a close relationship between
siblings. They can set up opportunities for kids to spend time together by doing shared
family activities such as playing sports or board games and by making sure today’s
overscheduled children actually have time to engage with family. And it helps to let siblings
know that parents value their relationship with one another. “Simple messages of praise—
such as, ‘It warms my heart when I see you two playing together’—can give children the
message that sustaining a positive sibling relationship is important and valued by parents,”
Kramer said.
Rewriting family history
Sibling relationships naturally change over the course of a lifetime. Transition points such as
leaving home, getting married, having kids, and dealing with parents’ divorce or death offer
natural opportunities for siblings to reevaluate and reinvest in these relationships,
Whiteman said—whether by coming together or drifting apart. “Whenever there is a
transition, it offers an opportunity for change,” he said.
Psychotherapists should help patients explore how these influential relationships affect
them in ways both positive and negative. “In practice, we tend to focus on individuals’
relationships with their parents. We often overlook the very formative contributions that
siblings have on our well-being and growth,” Kramer said. But there are important reasons
not to overlook the influence of brothers and sisters.
When spending time with siblings, “we tend to fall back into the well-worn grooves of our
family roles,” said Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Princeton, New
Jersey, and author of Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and
Develop Real Self-Esteem (New Harbinger Publications, 2019). Even as adults, siblings often
tease one another and push each other’s buttons. At the same time, they can become
frustrated by patterns that seem to play out again and again—such as older siblings feeling
like their younger siblings don’t pitch in to help as often as they should, and younger siblings
bristling at unsolicited advice from their big brother or sister. Clinicians can help patients
recognize and change these patterns.
To reset the dynamic, Kennedy-Moore recommends helping patients to recognize the role
they play in these patterns and consider their siblings’ behavior through a new lens. “Our
image of our siblings can be out of date. Just as we want our siblings to recognize we’ve
changed [since childhood], we also have to watch our own assumptions about what they’re
like,” she said. As with any relationship, sibling relationships benefit from clear
communication and good boundaries—skills that psychotherapists can help patients
develop.
And though sibling relationships may not be top of mind in a typical therapy session, they
are worth asking about and addressing, Kennedy-Moore added. “Sibling relationships are
often the longest relationships of our lives, and are at least as important as the parent-child
relationship,” she said. “We can’t redo the past, but we can choose to move forward with
our siblings in different ways.”

Further reading
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