The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie remake live action (not animated basically)

[The movie starts with the 2002 Paramount Pictures and Nickelodeon Movies logos. The
titles read "Paramount Pictures Presents," "A Nickelodeon Movies Production," and "in
association with United Plankton Pictures." Seagulls fly across the sky while the screen pans
and the open credits start. We then see a pirate on a look-out post. He moves upwards to
get a better look at something with his telescope. The screen then shows the view in the
telescope of a pirate on a dinghy.]
Pirate on the Dinghy: [with a trunk] I got it! I got it! I got it!
Look-out Post Pirate: [squints] Dinghy ahoy. [looks down to tell someone something] Dinghy
off the port bow. Dinghy off the port bow!
One Pirate: Dinghy off the port bow!
Pirates: [off-screen] Dinghy off the port bow!
Other Pirate: Captain, dinghy off the-- [gets slammed in the face by a door as the captain
walks on deck]
Captain: Dinghy. [lets the pirate in the dinghy onto the ship, along with the trunk]
Pirate Formerly on the Dinghy: I got it! I got it!
Captain: Where is it?
Pirate Formerly on the Dinghy: It's right here, Captain!
Captain: [opens the trunk] I never thought I'd see it with me own eye. [excitedly] Tickets to
The SpongeBob Movie! [the pirates cheer and they sail to the movie theater, singing the
SpongeBob SquarePants Theme Song]
Pirates: ♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants! Absorbent and
yellow and porous is he! SpongeBob SquarePants! If nautical nonsense be something you
wish, SpongeBob SquarePants! Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish! SpongeBob
SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! Sponge-Bob
Square-Pants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! Sponge-Bob
Square-Pants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! Sponge... Bob
SquarePants! ♪ [the pirates arrive at the movie theater, storm in, hog the snack bar and get
some popcorn. They rush into the theater room, where the movie starts]
French Narrator: [we start out on the familiar Bikini Atoll Island] Ah, the sea. So mysterious,
so beautiful. So... uh... wet. [the camera descends underwater in a swarm of bubbles (some
in CGI), continues going down until stopping in front of the Krusty Krab] Our story begins in
Bikini Bottom's popular undersea eatery, the Krusty Krab restaurant, where--
[The camera pans down into Bikini Bottom in front of the Krusty Krab.]
Police: Back off! Back off! [waves arms to back off at reporters/citizens]
French Narrator: Hey, wait a minute! What is happening?!
[The screen pans out to show the Krusty Krab is surrounded by cops.]
Mr. Krabs: Please settle down... [referring to the Krusty Krab] We've got a situation in there!
I'd rather not discuss 'til me manager gets here!
Female Fish: [off-screen] Look, there he is!
[A black boat with orange flames drives up; SpongeBob's leg, wearing a black boot with an
orange snake on it in the shape of an "S," steps out of the vehicle when it is stopped,
SpongeBob climbs out of the limousine. He walks toward the Krusty Krab and blows a
bubble.]
SpongeBob: Talk to me, Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, it started out as a simple order: a Krabby Patty with cheese. When the
customer took a bite, no cheese! [cries until SpongeBob slaps him to calm him down]
SpongeBob: Get a hold of yourself, Eugene. I'm going in. [walks in and sees a fish,
extremely nervous, looking at his Krabby Patty] Take it easy, friend. I'm the manager of this
establishment. [puts a briefcase down on a table] Everything's gonna be just fine.
Phil: I'm really scared here, man...
SpongeBob: [opens the briefcase] You got a name?
Phil: [nervously] Phil.
SpongeBob: [puts on gloves] You got a family, Phil? [Phil chokes over his words, unable to
speak. SpongeBob snaps] Come on, Phil, stay with me. Let's hear about that family.
Phil: I got a wife and two beautiful children.
SpongeBob: [puts on a headset from the briefcase] That's what it's all about. I want you to
do me a favor, Phil.
Phil: What?
SpongeBob: [picks a slice of cheese out from his briefcase with some tweezers] Say
"cheese." [dramatically and slowly attempts to put the cheese on the Krabby Patty. He then
kicks the door open, Phil in his arms. The crowd gasps. The cheese on the Krabby Patty
sparkles] Order up.
All: [but SpongeBob, cheer and then lift SpongeBob up on their shoulders] Three cheers for
the manager! Hip! Hip! [his alarm clock honks] Hip! Hip! [his alarm clock honks] Hip! Hip! [his
alarm clock honks]
[Honk continues from dream; the screen now shows SpongeBob in his bedroom. He turns
off his honking foghorn alarm clock.]
SpongeBob: Hooray! Gary, I had that dream again! And it's finally going to come true! [runs
over to his calendar] Today! Sorry about this calendar. [tears off the calendar page for the
day before to reveal "March 7." On the page, it has a picture of the Krusty Krab 2 with
rainbows and hearts around it] Because today is the grand-opening ceremony for The Krusty
Krab 2, where Mr. Krabs will announce the new manager.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Who's it gonna be, Gary? [chuckles to himself] Well, let's ask my wall of 374
consecutive employee-of-the-month awards. [the camera pulls up, revealing many
"employee of the month" portraits]
SpongeBob E.O.T.M Awards: SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob: I'm ready. Promotion. [goes into the walk-in shower, eats soap, inserts a hose in
his head, and puffs up until soap comes out. SpongeBob then pulls out paper-like fabric,
which he folds into his pants. The back springs off, revealing his rear, which he covers up.
He blushes and walks off-screen sideways. Then he brushes his eyes with toothpaste and
wipes off the foam] Cleanliness is next to manager-liness. [goes outside and runs around in
circles] I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion.
[The scene is zooming to Squidward's house, and then cuts to Squidward in his bathroom.]
Squidward: ♪ La da dee, la da doo, la da dum, la da dee, la da doo, la da dum. ♪
Squidward and SpongeBob: [in unison] ♪ La da dee, la da doo, la da dum, La da d-- ♪
Squidward: Huh? [notices SpongeBob in the bathtub scrubbing his back]
SpongeBob: ♪ ...ee, la da doo, la da dum, Bum Bum Bum, Da da da... ♪
Squidward: [interrupts him and covers himself] SpongeBob! What are you doing in here?!
SpongeBob: I have to tell you something, Squidward.
Squidward: Whatever it is, can't it wait until we get to work?
SpongeBob: There's no shower at work.
Squidward: What do you want?!
SpongeBob: I just wanted to say I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech
today.
Squidward: [yelling] Get out! [kicks him out the window]
SpongeBob: Okay. I'll see you at the ceremony. [turns into Patrick, who comes out of his
rock]
Patrick: That sounds like the manager of the new Krusty Krab 2. [notices he doesn't have his
shorts on] Oops. Hold on. [rock closes, with Patrick on it. Then it opens again with Patrick
wearing his shorts] Congratulations, buddy.
SpongeBob: Oh, thanks, Patrick. And tonight, after my big promotion, we're gonna party till
we're purple.
Patrick: Gah, I love bein' purple!
SpongeBob: We're going to the place where all the action is.
Patrick: You don't mean...?
SpongeBob: Oh, I mean.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat!
[Rock closes up on them and opens up a few seconds later. They now have Goofy Goober
hats on, and a record begins playing on a record player beside Patrick.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [dancing] ♪Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. You're a Goofy Goober,
yeah. We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah. Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!♪
SpongeBob: [notices his watch] I'd better get going! I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready.
Promotion.
Patrick: Good luck, SpongeBob! Hey, look for me at the ceremony! I got a little surprise for
you! ♪I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah.♪ [bounces away]
[The scene cuts to a large crowd gathered in front of the Krusty Krab. Perch Perkins is on TV
with his microphone, reporting.]
Perch Perkins: Hello, Bikini Bottom! Perch Perkins here, comin' to ya live from in front of The
Krusty Krab restaurant, for years the only place to get a delicious and mouthwatering Krabby
Patty. Until today, that is. That's right, folks. Longtime owner Mr. Krabs is opening a new
restaurant called The Krusty Krab 2. [the crowd applauds] First of all, congratulations, Mr.
Krabs. [Krabs has a big grin on his face]
Mr. Krabs: Hello. I like money.
Perch Perkins: What inspired you to build a second Krusty Krab right next door to the
original?
Mr. Krabs: Money. [everyone laughs]
[Plankton is watching the entire scenario out the window of the Chum Bucket using a
telescope.]
Plankton: Curses! It's not fair! Krabs is being interviewed by Perch Perkins, and I've never
even had one customer! [the word "customer" is heard echoing in the kitchen. Plankton
groans and moans while sweating]
Karen: Don't get worked up again, Plankton, I just mopped the floors.
Plankton: Oh, Karen, my computer wife, if only I could have managed to steal the secret to
Krabs' success, the formula for the Krabby Patty. Then people would line up to eat at my
restaurant. Lord knows I've tried. I've exhausted every evil plan in my filing cabinet...from A
to Y.
Karen: A to Y?
Plankton: Yeah, A to Y. You know, the alphabet.
Karen: What about Z?
Plankton: Z?
Karen: Z. The letter after Y.
Plankton: [searches through cabinet] W, X, Y, Z. [grabs Plan Z] Plan Z! Here it is, just like
you said.
Karen: [rolls her eyes] Oh, boy.
Plankton: [looks at Plan Z] Oh! Oh! Ohhh! It's evil. It's diabolical. [sniffs it] It's lemon scented.
This Plan Z can't possibly fail! [goes outside] So enjoy today, Mr. Krabs, because by
tomorrow, I'll have the formula. Then everyone will eat at the Chum Bucket, and I will rule the
world! All hail Plankton. All hail Plank-- [SpongeBob runs by and unknowingly squashes him,
and he screams] Ow!
SpongeBob: I'm ready, promotion! I'm ready, promotion!
Plankton: [while being stepped on by SpongeBob] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
SpongeBob: [stops running] Eww, I think I stepped in something. [tries to scrape Plankton
off. Plankton yelps when SpongeBob tries to scrape him off]
Plankton: [muffled] Not in something, on someone, ya twit!
SpongeBob: Oh. Sorry, Plankton. [looks at smeared Plankton and pulls him off his shoe] Are
you on your way to the grand-opening ceremony?
Plankton: No, I am not on my way over [mocks SpongeBob] to the grand-opening ceremony.
[jumps four times] I'm busy planning to rule the world! [chuckles]
SpongeBob: Well, good luck with that. [runs off] I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion...
Plankton: [looks at the viewers] Stupid kid. [walks back to the Chum Bucket]
[Later, Mr. Krabs is at a stand in front of the Krusty Krab 2. The crowd is still gathered there,
seated.]
Mr. Krabs: Welcome. Welcome, everyone, to the grand opening of The Krusty Krab 2. [The
crowd applauds]
Mrs. Puff: [angry] We paid $9 for this?
Sandy: [also angry] I paid 10!
Mr. Krabs: Now, before we begin with the ribbon-cuttin', I'd like to announce the name of our
new manager. [the crowd applauds again]
SpongeBob: [applauding wildly] Yay! Yeah! Ow! Ow, ow! Yeah! Now we're talking! Yeah! Ow!
[leans towards Squidward and shushes him] Shh!
Mr. Krabs: Yes. Well, anyway, the new manager is a loyal, hard-workin' employee.
SpongeBob: [thinking] Yes.
Mr. Krabs: The obvious choice for the job.
SpongeBob: [thinking] He's right.
Mr. Krabs: A name you all know. It starts with an S.
SpongeBob: [thinking] That's me.
Mr. Krabs: Please welcome our new manager... Squidward Tentacles! [a banner falls with
Squidward's face on it. The crowd began to cheer and clap, but SpongeBob thinks Mr. Krabs
said his name]
SpongeBob: [excitedly] Yes! Yeah! [dances around then he shakes Squidward's hand] Oh,
better luck next time, buddy. Whoo! [cheers as he runs to the stage] Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!
All right! Whoo! [grabs the microphone] People of Bikini Bottom, as the manager of...
Mr. Krabs: Uh, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hold the phone, folks, I'm getting an important news flash from Mr. Krabs. Go
ahead, Mr. K.
Mr. Krabs: [whispers into SpongeBob's ear]
SpongeBob: I'm making a complete what of myself? [the microphone echoes as he says
this]
Mr. Krabs: [whispers again]
SpongeBob: The most embarrassing thing you've ever seen? [the microphone echoes again]
Mr. Krabs: [whispers a third time]
SpongeBob: And now it's worse because I'm repeating everything you say into the
microphone? [the microphone echoes one final time]
Mr. Krabs: [annoyed] Oh, for cryin' out loud, SpongeBob! Ya didn't get the job!
SpongeBob: What?
Mr. Krabs: You... did not... get... the job!
SpongeBob: But... but why?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're a great fry cook, but I gave the job to Squidward because
bein' manager is a big responsibility. Well, let's face it, he's more... mature than you.
SpongeBob: I'm not... mature?
Mr. Krabs: Lad, I mean this in the nicest of ways, but there's a word for what you are, and
that word is... now, let's see...
Lenny: Dork?
Mr. Krabs: No, wait, that's not right. Not a dork.
Pearl: A goofball?
Mr. Krabs: Closer, but no, no, no.
Fred: A ding-a-ling.
Jimmy: wingnut.
Mable: A Knucklehead McSpazzatron!
Mr. Krabs: OK, that's enough! [to SpongeBob] Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're just a
kid. And to be a manager, you have to be a man. Otherwise, they'd call it "kid-ager." You
understand-ager? I mean, you understand?
SpongeBob: I guess so, Mr. Krabs.
[SpongeBob walks away]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [Depressed] I'm ready. Depression. I'm ready. Depression.
Mr. Krabs: Poor kid.
[Patrick appears flying on a banner, naked with a "Go SpongeBob" flag in his butt]
Patrick: Hooray for SpongeBob! Hooray for SpongeBob!
[Patrick accidentally hits the stage, which sets on fire. Everyone, except for Patrick, runs
away]
Patrick: Let's hear it for SpongeBob! Hello? Where'd everybody go? Did I miss something?
Did you see my butt?
French Narrator: Later that evening...
[Later that evening, Plankton is traveling through the sky on his jetpack. He stops in front of
a giant castle]
Plankton: Time to put Plan Z into effect. Starting at the undersea castle of King Neptune.
Hehehehe...
[Neptune is sitting in his throne by his daughter Mindy, who is sitting in another throne.
Neptune hits the squire on the head with his trident]
Squire: Oh, right. [clears throat] The royal court is now in session. Bring the prisoner forward.
[Guards bring a small prisoner fish shaking nervously]
King Neptune: So, you have confessed to the crime of touching the king's crown?
Prisoner: Yes, but...
King Neptune: [angrily] But what?!
Prisoner: But it's my job, Your Highness. I'm the royal crown polisher.
King Neptune: Well, then I guess I can't execute you. Twenty years in the dungeon it is.
Princess Mindy: Daddy! [Frees the crown polisher] You're free to go.
Crown Polisher: Bless you, Princess Mindy. [runs away]
King Neptune: Mindy! How dare you defy me!
Princess Mindy: Why do you have to be so mean?
King Neptune: I am the king! I must enforce the laws of the sea.
Princess Mindy: Father, I wish you'd try a little love and compassion instead of these harsh
punishments.
Squire: That would be nice. [Neptune hits him on the head with his trident]
King Neptune: Squire. Clear the room! I wish to speak to my daughter alone. [Everyone
except Neptune and Mindy leave. Neptune then shows Mindy his crown] What is this,
Mindy?
Princess Mindy: Your crown?
King Neptune: And what does this crown do?
Princess Mindy: Covers your bald spot.
King Neptune: It's not bald! It's... thinning. This crown does much more than cover a slightly
receding hairline. [Puts the crown on a pillow on a stool. While his back is turned, Plankton
peeks out from behind the crown, snickering evilly] No, this crown entitles the one who
wears it to be in charge of the sea. One day, you will wear this crown.
Princess Mindy: [Alarmed] I'm gonna be bald?!
King Neptune: Thinning! Anyway, the point is, you won't wear it until you learn how to rule
with an iron fist. Like your father. [He reaches for his crown, but puts the pillow on his head
instead.]
Princess Mindy: Uhhh... Dad, your "crown"...
King Neptune: What the...? [Discovers that his crown is missing] My crown! [screams]
Someone has stolen the royal crown!
Plankton: [We see him leaving the castle with the crown] I got it! I got it! [He flies past Goofy
Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat, which we get a view of inside. The bar is filled with people
eating ice cream. Suddenly, a Goofy Goober Clock speaks]
Goofy Goober Clock: Hey, all you Goobers, it's time to say howdy to your favorite undersea
peanut, Goofy Goober! [The kids cheer]
Kids: Howdy, Goofy Goober!
Goofy Goober: Hey, fellow Goofy Goobers. Time to sing! ♪ Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah.
You're a Goofy Goober, yeah. We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah! ♪
Goofy Goober and Kids: ♪ Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah! ♪ [Cheering]
[We then see SpongeBob crying at the Nut Bar]
SpongeBob: All right. Get it together, old boy. I know. I'll just stop thinking about it. [He stares
at nothing] Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad.
[Patrick walks up to him.]
Patrick: Hey, it's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager! [SpongeBob starts crying again] Wow, the
pressure's already setting in.
SpongeBob: No, Pat, you don't understand. I didn't get the promotion.
Patrick: What? Why?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs thinks I'm a... kid.
Patrick: [slapping his forehead] What?! That's insane!
SpongeBob: I know...
Patrick: Well, saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'm a kid! [Waiter walks up to him handing
him a Goober Meal]
Waiter: Here's your Goober Meal, sir.
Patrick: I'm supposed to get a toy with this. [Waiter throws a Goofy Goober hand puppet at
his face] Thanks.
SpongeBob: [sighs] I'm gonna head home, Pat. The celebration's off.
Patrick: Are you sure?
SpongeBob: Yeah. I'm not in a Goober mood. [he starts to walk away]
Patrick: Okay, see you.
Waiter: [hands Patrick a Triple Gooberberry Sunrise] And here's your Triple Gooberberry
Sunrise, sir. [SpongeBob starts to walk back to Patrick]
Patrick: Yum!
SpongeBob: A Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, huh? I guess I could use one of those.
Patrick: [pats SpongeBob on the back] Now, you're talking. Hey, waiter, we need another one
over here.
Waiter: [handing SpongeBob one] There you go.
SpongeBob: [admiring it] Ooh!
[SpongeBob and Patrick gleefully eat rapidly and get ice cream on the waiter, both of them
burping after they are done.]
SpongeBob: Boy, Pat, that hit the spot. I'm feeling better already.
Patrick: Yeah!
SpongeBob: Waiter, let's get another round over here. [then the waiter gives them two more.
They eat them and get more ice cream on the waiter] Oh, Mr. Waiter! Two more, please!
[then the waiter gives them two more]
Both: Whoo! [they eat the sundaes and get even more ice cream on the waiter]
SpongeBob: Waiter. [then they eat two more. By this time, the waiter is covered in ice cream.
We see Patrick finishing his ice cream] Oh, waiter. [singsong] Waiter. [slurring] Wait-or!
[yelling angrily and pounding on the table. The bowls are stacked sideways] Waiter!
Waiter: [puts a scoop of ice cream on a sundae] Why do I always get the nuts?
SpongeBob: [Up on stage holding a lollipop microphone] All right, folks, this one goes out to
my two bestest friends in the whole world: [We see Patrick and the Goofy Goober up on
stage, too] Patrick and this big peanut guy. It's a little ditty called...
Both: Waiter!
[All three faint. The next morning, SpongeBob wakes up to find the waiter trying to get him
up.]
Waiter: [to SpongeBob] Hey. Hey, get up. Hey, come on, buddy. I wanna go home. Come on,
pal.
SpongeBob: [After recovering] Oh, my head. [He looks drunk]
Waiter: Listen to me. It's 8 in the morning. Go scrape up your friend and get goin'.
SpongeBob: My... [burp] friend? [Sees Patrick lying on the floor. He looks drunk, too] Patrick!
Hey, what's up, buddy? [Then realizes something] Wait, you said 8:00. I'm late for work! Mr.
Krabs is gonna be... [disgustedly] ...Mr. Krabs.
[At the Krusty Krab 2, Mr. Krabs is pinning the manager pin on Squidward's shirt. Then he
pulls up a telescope to him]
Mr. Krabs: Now, pay attention, Squidward. As new manager, you've gotta keep a sharp eye
out for payin' customers. [Looks through the telescope]
Squidward: Yawn.
Mr. Krabs: What's this? King Neptune is ridin' toward the Krusty Krab at lunchtime! He's got
money!
[Outside, King Neptune gets out of his coach and closes the door on Princess Mindy]
King Neptune: Stay in the coach, daughter. [Gets out of the coach] This won't take long.
Princess Mindy: Daddy, please. I think you're overreacting.
King Neptune: Silence, Mindy! I know what I'm doing. [Turns around to leave, but bumps into
the Krusty Krab sign pole] Ow! Squire! [The Squire, who was with them in the coach, pops
onto the scene]
Squire: Yes, Your Highness?
King Neptune: Have this pole executed at once.
[Cut back to inside the Krusty Krab 2. Mr. Krabs is changing the price of the Krabby Patty]
Squidward: A hundred and one dollars for a Krabby Patty?
Mr. Krabs: With cheese, Mr. Squidward, with cheese.
[Trumpet plays. Neptune comes into the Krusty Krab]
King Neptune: [to the customers] Greeting, subjects. I seek the one known as Eugene
Krabs. May he present himself to me at once.
Mr. Krabs: I'm Eugene Krabs, Your Highness. Would you like to order something?
King Neptune: [lightning flashes] [screams] Nay! I'm on to you, Krabs! You have stolen the
royal crown, you cannot deny! For, clever as you are, you left one damning piece of
evidence at the scene of the crime! [holds up a piece of paper and shows it to Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: "I stole your crown. Signed, Eugene Krabs"?! [eyes widen]
King Neptune: Relinquish the royal crown to me at once!
Mr. Krabs: But... But this is crazy! I didn't do it.
Answering Machine: Ahoy, this is Eugene Krabs. Leave a message.
Clay: [Plankton begins impersonating a voice over the phone] Hi, Mr. Krabs. This is Clay, the
guy you sold Neptune's crown to. Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks again for sellin' me the
crown. Neptune's crown. [King Neptune gets furious, so Mr. Krabs tries to stop the machine
by breaking it, but it continues to play] I sold it to a guy in Shell City, and I just wanted to say
thanks again for sellin' me the crown. Neptune's crown. [King Neptune gets even more
furious as Mr. Krabs unsuccessfully tries to stop the machine, so he rips the phone from the
cord, but the phone still works for a brief moment] Which is now in Shell City. Goodbye.
Mr. Krabs: Eh, heh... I was... um... yeah... oh... eh... d-don't you just hate wrong numbers...?
King Neptune: [enraged] My crown is in the forbidden Shell City?! [screams]
[Outside, we see that Plankton is behind it, holding the phone]
Plankton: Plan Z. I love Plan Z!
King Neptune: [continues screaming] Prepare to burn, Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: [crying] Wait, Neptune! Please, I'm beggin' you! I ain't a crook! Ask anyone, they'll
vouch for me!
King Neptune: Very well, then. Before I turn this conniving crustacean into fishmeal, who
here has anything to say about Eugene Krabs?
SpongeBob: [comes in and is still looking all drunk; burps] I've got something to say about
Mr.... [burps] Krabs! [walks over to him while nearly stumbling]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy, you've come just in time.
SpongeBob: [drunk; to Neptune] Pardon me, Miss.
Mr. Krabs: Please, tell King Neptune all about me.
SpongeBob: I have worked for Mr. Krabs for... [burps] ...many years and always thought he
was a great boss!
Mr. Krabs: You see? A great boss.
SpongeBob: [off-screen] I now realize that he's a great... big... jerk! [Mr. Krabs turns to
SpongeBob] I deserved that manager's job! [grabs Mr. Krabs] But you didn't give it to me,
'cause you say I'm a... kid. Well, I am 100%... man! And this... man... has got something to
say to you. [takes a deep breath and blows a long raspberry] There, I think I made my point.
[Mr. Krabs' pupils turn to King Neptune]
King Neptune: Anyone else? No? Well, then. [fires at Mr. Krabs, causing him to burn his butt]
SpongeBob: [immediately snaps out of his cynical, drunken state] Huh?
Mr. Krabs: [flies around the restaurant with his butt burning] Ooh! Me pants are on fire! Me
underwear's on fire! I'm on fire! [he dives into a bucket of water] Oh, yeah.
King Neptune: And now, Eugene Krabs, [prepares to blast Mr. Krabs again] you... will...
[SpongeBob grips onto King Neptune's nose]
SpongeBob: [stops Neptune] Wait!
King Neptune: Nahhh!
SpongeBob: I'm flattered you would do this on my account, but being manager isn't worth
killing Mr. Krabs over.
King Neptune: Quiet, fool! Mr. Krabs stole my crown, and now it's in Shell City. That's why he
must die.
SpongeBob: Doesn't it seem a little harsh to kill someone over a crown?
King Neptune: You don't understand. My crown is a symbol of my king-like authority. And
between you and me... my hair is thinning a bit.
SpongeBob: Oh, Your Highness, I'm sure it's not that noticeable... [King Neptune removes
his paper bag covering the top of his head, revealing a huge bald spot that shines] Bald!
Bald!
All: Bald! Bald! Bald!
Fred: [his eyes are ablaze from the shininess of King Neptune's head] My eyes!
All: Bald!
King Neptune: [places the paper bag back on his head] All right! All right!
SpongeBob: King Neptune, sir? Would you spare Mr. Krabs' life if I went to get your crown
back?
King Neptune: [stretches his eyes out] You, go to Shell City? [laughs hysterically while
stretching his eyes out again] No one who's gone to Shell City has ever returned. What
makes you think you could? You're just a kid. [throws SpongeBob to the floor]
SpongeBob: But I'm not a kid. I can do it.
King Neptune: Run along. I have a crab to cook. [lights his trident]
Mr. Krabs: No! [SpongeBob gets in the way]
SpongeBob: No! I won't let you!
King Neptune: [sighs] Very well, then. I'll have to fry you both!
Princess Mindy: [runs to the Krusty Krab] Daddy, stop it! Can't you get through one day
without executing someone!?
King Neptune: Mindy?! I told you to stay in the carriage!
Princess Mindy: Where's your love and compassion? [holds up SpongeBob] Look at this little
guy! He's willing to risk his life to find your crown and save his boss.
King Neptune: But, daughter, I...
Princess Mindy: Please, Father, at least let him try... What have you got to lose? Might I
remind you of your... special problem?
[She removes the paper bag, once again revealing the shiny bald spot.]
All: Bald! Bald! Bald! Bald! Bald!
Fred: [offscreen] My eyes!
All: Bald!
King Neptune: [places the paper bag back on his head] All right! Very well, Mindy. I'll give
him a chance. But when your little champion fails to return, I get to splatter this crab all over
the walls!
Mr. Krabs: Huh?!
King Neptune: And as for you, be back here with my crown in exactly ten days. [Patrick pops
up]
Patrick: He can do it in nine!
King Neptune: Eight!
Patrick: Seven!
King Neptune: Six!
SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs: Patrick! [they tackle him]
King Neptune: Six it is, then.
Patrick: [being choked by Mr. Krabs] Fi--ve.
SpongeBob: Patrick, shush!
King Neptune: Until then, the crab shall remain frozen where he now stands! [points his
trident at Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: No, wait! I'm begging you! [King Neptune freezes him]
Squidward: Who turned on the AC? [gasps] Mr. Krabs! Oh, no, this is terrible! Who's gonna
sign my paycheck?
King Neptune: Come along, Mindy.
Princess Mindy: Listen, you guys, the road to Shell City is really dangerous. There's crooks,
killers and monsters everywhere! And what's worse, there's a giant Cyclops [imitates the
Cyclops stomping] who guards the outskirts of the city and preys on innocent sea creatures!
Don't let him catch you, because if he does, he'll take you back to his lair, and you'll never be
seen again!
[While Mindy is explaining, SpongeBob is scared but Patrick is infatuated with her.]
Patrick: She's purty, SpongeBob.
Princess Mindy: Here, take this.
SpongeBob: What's in here? [Opens bag and few winds blow at his face]
Princess Mindy: It's a magical bag of winds. I stole them from my father.
Patrick: [to Mindy] You're hot.
Princess Mindy: Once you find the crown, open the bag of winds and you'll be blown back
home.
King Neptune: [from outside] Mindy!
Princess Mindy: I'm coming! Good luck, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Wait! How did you know my name?
Princess Mindy: Oh, I'm gonna be queen of the sea one day. I've learned the names of all
the sea creatures.
Patrick: What's my name?
Princess Mindy: That's easy. You're Patrick Star. [Patrick's cheeks turn red, and he blushes
shyly from head to toe]
King Neptune: Mindy!
Princess Mindy: I gotta go. I believe in you guys.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Mindy. [to Mr. Krabs] Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Patrick, Squidward, and
I...
Squidward: Pass. [He walks out the door, and leaves his hat behind]
SpongeBob: Patrick and I... [Patrick interrupts]
Patrick: Hi.
SpongeBob: [continues] ...are gonna get that crown back and save you from Neptune's
wrath. You've got nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands. [Mr. Krabs turns his eyes
and looks at them. They are drooling and look very stupid. Mr. Krabs could only moan out of
doubt, thinking that they would fail.] Patrick, let's go get that crown.
[They run to the kitchen where they slide down two metallic poles. They enter an elevator
where elevator music is playing. The elevator stops at a secret room under the Krusty Krab
2, where the Patty Wagon is kept.]
SpongeBob: Feast your eyes, Patrick.
Patrick: What is it?
SpongeBob: The Patty Wagon. Mr. Krabs uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you
some of its features. Sesame-seed finish, steel-belted pickles, grilled-leather interior. And
under the hood, a fuel-injected French-fryer with dual overhead grease traps.
Patrick: Wow.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Wow.
Patrick: Hey, I thought you didn't have a driver's license.
SpongeBob: You don't need a license to drive a sandwich. [They start the engine, and crash
through the side of the Krusty Krab 2, a word that says "Ker-Patty!" appears]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Shell City, here we come!
[Later, Plankton enters the Krusty Krab, looking satisfied with himself. Mr. Krabs is still there,
frozen.]
Plankton: Ding-a-ling. Hey there, old buddy. [sarcastically] Freeze. [laughs] One secret
formula to go, please. No, no, don't trouble yourself. I'll get it. [goes into the kitchen and
walks out with the bottle with the Formula inside it] Well, I'd like to hang around, but I've got
Krabby Patties to make... over at the Chum Bucket. Plan Z, I love ya! [Mr. Krabs' tears fall to
the ground as Plankton leaves, as he realizes that he was set up.]
[The next scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick riding to a nearby gas station in the Patty
Wagon.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. You're a Goofy Goober, yeah.
We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah. Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah! ♪
[They stop at a gas station right before the county line. Past the county line, Bikini Bottom's
beautiful landscape is replaced by barren locations. SpongeBob is wearing an aviator's outfit
at the wheel and honks his horn to wake up the two hick gas station attendants, Floyd and
Lloyd.]
SpongeBob: Fill 'er up, please.
Floyd: What'll it be, fellas? Mustard er ketchup?! [Floyd and Lloyd slap their knees and crack
up as banjo music plays, rocking in their chairs.]
Patrick: Are they laughing at us?
SpongeBob: No, Patrick. They're laughing next to us.
[Floyd and Lloyd continue to laugh as they advance towards the Patty Wagon. Then, Lloyd
bends down, and Floyd uses him for support.]
Floyd: Where you two dumb kids headed, anyway?
Patrick: Kids?!
SpongeBob: Now, Patrick. For your information, we are not kids. We are men. And we're off
to get King Neptune's crown in Shell City.
Floyd and Lloyd: Shell City?
Lloyd: Ain't that the place that's guarded by a killer Cyclops?
SpongeBob: That's right.
Floyd: Lloyd, take off your hat in respect. Respect for the dead!
[The two "nyuk" and slap their knees again.]
Floyd: You two dipsticks ain't gonna last 10 seconds over the county line!
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? We'll see about that. [He and Patrick get back into the Patty Wagon
and pass the county line. A boat jacker stops them]
Boat jacker: Out of the car, fellas. [SpongeBob and Patrick obey and the boat jacker drives
off in the Patty Wagon]
SpongeBob: How many seconds was that?
Lloyd: [checks his watch] Twelve.
SpongeBob and Patrick: In your face!
[SpongeBob and Patrick slap their knees and laugh like Lloyd and Floyd, who don't seem to
care. Patrick makes a loud noise with an airhorn.]
SpongeBob: That's what I'm talking about. Yeah!
Patrick: Who's the kid now?
[SpongeBob runs around Patrick and flaps his arms like chicken wings as Patrick continues
to honk the airhorn.]
Floyd: They're dead.
[SpongeBob and Patrick continue their laughing as they walk down the road. They give each
other a high-five, and Patrick honks his airhorn once more.]
[The scene changes to a crowd entering the Chum Bucket back in Bikini Bottom. Perch
Perkins is in front, once again reporting on TV]
Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here with an incredible news flash. Plankton is selling Krabby
Patties at the Chum Bucket. How is this possible? Let's find out. [He goes inside]
[Inside, Plankton is watching his new customers. Balloons and patty-themed ceiling lamps
adorn the establishment.]
Plankton: Step right up. Plenty for everybody.
Perch Perkins: Excuse me, Plankton. Perch Perkins, Bikini Bottom News. Can I get a
minute?
Plankton: Anything for you, Perch.
Perch Perkins: All of Bikini Bottom wants to know, how did you get the Krabby Patty?
Plankton: Well, Perch, before my dear friend Eugene Krabs was frozen by King Neptune...
[voice breaking] I'm sorry... he confided in me a secret wish... "Sell the Krabby Patty in my
absence at the Chum Bucket," he said... "Don't let the flame die out." [sobs] By the way, act
now and you get a free Chum Bucket bucket helmet with every purchase. Here you go,
Perch. [He plants a bucket helmet on his head]
Perch Perkins: Thanks.
Plankton: Bucket helmets for everyone!
Man: [happily] My helmet!
[Plankton enters his lab, where Karen is]
Plankton: Karen, baby, I haven't felt this giddy since the day you agreed to be my wife.
Karen: I never agreed.
Plankton: Evil Plan Z is working perfectly. Nothing can stop me now.
Karen: Nothing except SpongeBob and his pink friend. [Displays SpongeBob and Patrick on
the road on her computer screen] My sensors indicate that they're going after the crown. If
they make it back, Neptune might discover some fingerprints. Tiny fingerprints. Stubby, tiny
fingerprints. [Plankton looks at his hands]
Plankton: Evil Plan Z is way ahead of you, baby. I've already hired someone to take care of
those two. He's a vicious, cold-blooded predator!
[Miles away, we see a hitman wearing sunglasses traveling on his motorcycle down the
road. First, we see the front, then his license plate, which reads "I Kill U", and then his boot,
which reads "Your Head Here"]
Dennis: [takes off sunglasses in another one] Sesame seed...
Floyd: Hey, mister, does that hat take ten gallons?
[The gas station attendants smack their knees and laugh more. Dennis, very annoyed,
stomps up to them and tears their lips off. The hillbillies look at each other as Dennis drives
away.]
[Meanwhile, an exhausted SpongeBob and Patrick continue walking down the road, sweaty
and tired, but are still cheering. Patrick's airhorn stops working and he tosses it behind him.]
Patrick: Going on...
SpongeBob: Yeah... moving on...
Patrick: Just keep going...
SpongeBob: Yup...
Patrick: Gonna get that crown...
SpongeBob: Whoo... all right...
Patrick: Oh, yeah... all right...
SpongeBob: Yeah... victory...
Patrick: Are we there yet?
SpongeBob: We must be close by now. Patrick, look. [He points to a billboard and reads it.]
We're doing great! Shell City's only five days away! [A leaf blocking part of the sign comes
off, revealing 2 more words]
Patrick: By car.
SpongeBob: I wish we still had our car.
Patrick: SpongeBob, look! Our car!
[We see the Patty Wagon in front of a beat-up bar. SpongeBob and Patrick are about ready
to get in the Patty Wagon, but SpongeBob notices that the key is missing]
SpongeBob: The key!
Patrick: Where do you think it is?
[A fish is kicked through one of the Thug Tug windows and lands next to SpongeBob and
Patrick, with many broken bones. His leg twitches. The two look through the broken window,
and see thugs fighting, becoming drunk, and playing pool. The inside is a disaster.
Everything is cracked or splintered, and the dim lights make everything look red. "R.I.P." is
written in spray paint on a wall with a dead or knocked out fish below it. They see the boat
jacker playing pool with the key hooked onto his belt.]
SpongeBob: There it is, Pat. The key! Now, how are we gonna get it?
Patrick: I know. Walk in and ask him for it.
Thug: [from inside] What are you looking at?! [SpongeBob hears the punching sounds and
pained cries inside]
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's a terrible idea.
Patrick: [Downcast and realizing SpongeBob's point] Sorry.
SpongeBob: I know. I'll go in and create a distraction, and you get the key.
Patrick: [Becomes enthusiastic] Ooh! Ooh! Wait, I wanna do the distraction!
SpongeBob: Okay... I guess it really doesn't matter who does the distraction.
[Patrick puffs out his chest as he bursts through the swinging doors, while SpongeBob
crawls underneath them. Patrick clears his throat.]
Thug in background: You see me walkin' back?!
Patrick: Ahem! Can I have everybody's attention? [Everyone clusters around Patrick with
angry expressions, ready for a fight.] I have to use the bathroom.
Boat jacker: [confusingly] It's, uh... right over there. [He points behind him and notices
SpongeBob reaching for his key. SpongeBob looks up at him for a second before scuffing
around on the ground, searching for something.]
SpongeBob: Stupid contacts. [He holds up an imaginary contact.] Oh, there it is. I better go
wash it off. [runs away]
[Inside the restroom, Patrick is going to the bathroom. He finishes as SpongeBob comes in.]
SpongeBob: [angry] Patrick! You call that a distraction?
Patrick: [jolts up. He flushes the toilet. Turns to SpongeBob after realizing his error] I had to
go to the bathroom.
SpongeBob: Well, I got my hands dirty for nothin'. [He pumps the soap dispenser, and the
top is pushed off by pressure from bubbles forming inside of it.] Patrick, check it out! [He
pumps more.]
Patrick: Wow!
Both: Hooray! Bubble party! [Bubbles float all around the bathroom and ragtime music plays
as SpongeBob and Patrick laugh and dance with bubbles. SpongeBob lays on his side and
balances one on his foot. Patrick balances one on his head. SpongeBob lays on his side and
balances one on his foot. Then, Patrick juggles them, as SpongeBob gives him another one
to juggle. But one bubble drifts out the door and into the pub. Victor, the bartender, sees it.]
Victor: Hey! Who blew this bubble?! [Victor punches it, and it pops.] You all know the rules!
Everybody in the main area of the Thug Tug: [In unison] All bubble-blowing babies will be
beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar.
One Patron: [lagging behind] ...bar.
Victor: That's right! So, who blew it?!
[SpongeBob and Patrick frantically pop all of the bubbles]
Victor: So... nobody knows?
Tough Guy #1: Maybe it was...
Victor: Shut up! [Throws a chair at him] Somebody in here ain't a real man. [SpongeBob and
Patrick attempt to sneak out, but Victor sees them.] You! We're on a baby hunt. And don't
think we don't know how to weed 'em out. Now, everybody line up! [SpongeBob, Patrick, and
the thugs all fall in line] DJ! Time for the test. [The DJ gives a thumbs-up to Victor and plays
a CD.] No baby can resist singing along to this. [The Goofy Goober theme song plays]
Patrick: [Nervously] SpongeBob, it's the Goofy Goober theme song.
SpongeBob: [In a raspy voice] I know! [SpongeBob and Patrick try to resist to sing along]
Goofy Goober: [On record] ♪ Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. You're a Goofy Goober, yeah.
We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah. Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah! ♪
[As the song goes on, Victor walks down the line to see the patron's responses to the
songs.]
Tough Guy #2: [coughs]
Victor: [Points at Tough guy angrily] It was you! You're the baby!
Tough Guy #2: No, no! I only coughed; I swear! [Victor points with two fingers from his eyes
to the thug's to show that he's watching him. Then, he walks on. Tough Guy #2 sighs in
relief.]
Victor: DJ! Turn it up louder!
SpongeBob: [trying not to sing] Don't sing along, Patrick!
Patrick: I'm trying. Trying so hard. [Victor notices his and SpongeBob's struggle and starts
singing mockingly]
Victor: ♪ I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah! You're a Goofy Goober, yeah! We're all Goofy Goobers,
yeah! ♪
[Victor watches as SpongeBob and Patrick can't take it anymore and open their mouths to
sing when...]
Siamese Twins: ♪ Goofy, goofy, goober, goobers, yeah! ♪ [disc scratch and the song stops]
Victor: [laughs.] Well, well, well. Which one of you babies was it?!
Siamese Twins: [Nervously; look at and point at the other] It was him! Uh, he did it. I've never
even eaten at... ♪ Goofy, goofy, goober, goobers, yeah! ♪ [They cover each other's mouths
after realizing their words.]
Victor: Well, looks like we got ourselves a double baby! [The thugs surround the twins, crack
their knuckles, and lunge at them in unison. SpongeBob and Patrick escape the Thug Tug.]
SpongeBob: Man, that was a close call.
Patrick: Guess what I got? [Pulls out the key]
SpongeBob: The key! Shh...
[Cut to the Patty Wagon rolling down the street as it becomes night. Back in Bikini Bottom
the next morning, Squidward is enjoying the time without SpongeBob]
Squidward: Too bad SpongeBob's not here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here. [He laughs
to himself and closes the window of his house. Pan over to the side of his house, which
opens like a garage door. Squidward comes out on a recumbent bicycle. He pedals down
the road and past a fish wearing a Chum Bucket Bucket Helmet.]
Nat: Morning. [Squidward notices he is wearing a Chum Bucket helmet]
Squidward: Some people have no taste in headgear. [He stops at an intersection, and
glances at a husband and wife with their baby in a stroller, showing it to another fish, who
shakes a rattle at the giggling baby. All have helmets on.] Huh? Babies too? [He rides up to
another person driving in her boat.] Excuse me, miss, but where is everybody getting that
horrid headwear?
Shubie: [She looks around confused] Who said that?
Squidward: Down here.
Shubie: [Finds Squidward] Oh! Well, I got it at the Chum Bucket. Plankton's giving them
away free with every Krabby Patty.
Squidward: Chum Bucket? Free... Krabby Patty?... Plankton... giving... with...?!
[At the Chum Bucket, Plankton is enjoying his day and watching his customers. Squidward
bursts in]
Squidward: So, you're selling Krabby Patties, eh, Plankton?
Plankton: That's right, Squidward. [Pulls out a helmet] And there's a free bucket helmet with
every purchase. Care for one?
Squidward: No! You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you
can't fool me! I listen to public radio.
Plankton: And what's that supposed to mean?
Squidward: It means you set up Mr. Krabs. You stole the crown so Neptune would freeze
him, and you could finally get your stubby little paws on the Krabby Patty formula. [Plankton
looks at his hands] It was you all along! But you made one fatal mistake. You messed with
my paycheck. And I'm gonna report you to the highest authority in the land... King Neptune!
Plankton: We'll see about that, Inspector Looselips! [laughs and presses a button on Karen]
Karen: Now activating helmet brain-control devices.
Squidward: Huh? [A large signal tower flares to life on the roof of the Chum Bucket. An
antenna rises out of each customer's bucket helmet, which completely covers every
customer's head, one by one] What!? [Soon, the lights dim and they all stand up, as they all
speak in a drone.]
Slaves: All hail Plankton.
Squidward: [Eyes widened] What's goin' on here?
Slaves: All hail Plankton.
Plankton: Seize him, slaves!
Slaves: All hail Plankton.
Squidward: Ah! I'm gettin' out of here! [Runs for the door, but more slaves burst in and
corner him]
Slaves: All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton.
[Squidward, cornered, screams in horror as Plankton's slaves capture him]
Plankton: [laughs evilly] Who can stop me now? Who?!
[Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are still traveling in the Patty Wagon. They are laughing
at Patrick imitating Victor]
SpongeBob: Come on, Pat, one more time.
Patrick: Okay. [Imitates Victor] We're on a baby hunt. And don't think we don't know how to
weed 'em out. [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh]
SpongeBob: "Weed 'em out."
Patrick: What a jerk. [They drive along a pile of skulls]
SpongeBob: Whoa! The road's getting kinda bumpy here.
Patrick: You know, SpongeBob, there's a lesson to be learned from all of this.
SpongeBob: What's that, Patrick?
Patrick: A bubble-blowing double baby doesn't belong out here in man's country.
SpongeBob: Yeah. [Then realizes something] Wait. We blew that bubble. Doesn't that make
us a bubble-blowing double baby? [Both think about this until Patrick spots a free ice cream
stand and sign]
Patrick: Hey, look! Free ice cream!
SpongeBob: Whee! Oh, boy! [heads to the stand, oblivious to the piles of skulls surrounding
him]
Patrick: [Talks to a skull] How you doin'? [Patrick looks at his surroundings and looks
worried] Wait a minute. Wait a minute! SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Patrick: Make mine a chocolate!
SpongeBob: Got ya covered. [To the old woman] Two, please.
Old Woman: Certainly. [she takes out a fake ice cream] You kids enjoy.
SpongeBob: Actually, we're men, lady, but thanks. [Grabs bowl] Okay, Patrick, let's... [His
hand is stuck on the bowl, which the old woman is still holding] Uh, you can let go now. I
said, let go, please. [the bowl sticks to his hands like glue] Ugh! Ugh! What is this?
[SpongeBob struggles to get the bowl off, suddenly the ground starts to rumble and realizing
it was all fake due to the ice cream stand falling apart] What kind of old lady are you!? [The
hair and eyeglasses fall off] Ew! [Sharp teeth come out from the ground. SpongeBob
screams. Then an eye comes out from the ground and looks at SpongeBob. SpongeBob
screams a second time. A huge red frogfish comes out of the ground, revealing that the old
woman was its purple tongue. SpongeBob screams a third time. Patrick looks at the frogfish
from the rear-view mirror. When the frogfish is about to eat SpongeBob, he screams a fourth
time, and he bites the arm off of the fake lady and falls down as Patrick pulls the Patty
Wagon into reverse to catch him]
Patrick: [Oblivious] Did you get the ice cream? [frogfish roars. SpongeBob and Patrick stare
in fear]
SpongeBob: [Scared] Step on it, Patrick! [Patrick drives the Patty Wagon at top speed away
from the pursuing frogfish, losing the wagon's flag in the process, as he and SpongeBob
scream]
Dennis: [He arrives at The Thug Tug, and notices soap on SpongeBob's footprint. He
unmasks himself] Hmm... [He blows the soap, forming a bubble. Images of SpongeBob and
Patrick giggling appear in it. Suddenly, all of the thugs appear]
Victor: Hey! [Dennis turns around] You may not know it, cowboy, but we got a rule around
here about blowing bubbles. [Snaps his fingers and all of the thugs say the rule]
All Thugs: All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by--
[Dennis, clearly having no time for this, punches Victor out of his shoes and socks, the latter
screams and flies into the Thug Tug.]
All Thugs: ...every... able-bodied... patron... in the... bar... [Victor crash-lands into the Thug
Tug. The Tug tilts backward and quickly sinks off over a precipice. Dennis drives away as the
Thugs watch in confusion.]
[Cut back to SpongeBob and Patrick still fleeing from the frogfish]
Old Woman: Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream. [SpongeBob and Patrick scream] I'll
let you pet Mr. Whiskers! [A sticky and veiny cat on the frogfish's tongue is shown]
Mr. Whiskers: Meow...
SpongeBob: [He and Patrick scream at the cat] Jump for it, Patrick! [They jump out of the
Patty Wagon, which the frogfish eats. It smiles but stops when a tongue grabs it. A gigantic
eel eats the frogfish and slowly dives back in. SpongeBob and Patrick stare in disbelief, as
they witness their car being taken away for good this time] Well, we lost our car again.
Patrick: Never mind the car, where's the road? [echoes] Road? Road? Road? [the echo
turns out to be Patrick repeating in disbelief] Road, road, road, road, [SpongeBob stares at
him] r... sorry.
SpongeBob: There's the road. [The road is shown on the other side of the trench] On the
other side of this [Looks down the trench in front of them] deep, dark... dangerous...
Patrick: [after seeing a fire] Hazardous.
SpongeBob: Hazardous...
Patrick: [after seeing a tentacle and hearing a roar] Monster-infested?
SpongeBob: Yeah, monster-infested... [Gulps] trench.
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, look! [Shows SpongeBob a flight of rickety, nail-ridden wooden
stairs leading down] Here's the way down. Well, we're not gonna get the crown standing
here. On to Shell City. [Patrick takes the first step, and a monster growls. He is shocked at
first, but he proceeds to step on it over and over, making more growling sounds] Hey, look,
it's making noise. SpongeBob? [Sees him about to leave] Hey, where are you going?
SpongeBob: I'm going home, Patrick.
Patrick: But what about Mr. Krabs?
SpongeBob: What about us? We'll never survive in that trench! You said it yourself; this is
man's country. And let's face it, Pat. We're just...kids.
Patrick: We're not kids!
SpongeBob: Open your eyes, Patrick! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream. We worship a
dancing peanut, for corn's sake! We don't belong out here!
Patrick: We do not worship him!?
SpongeBob: [Pulls down his shorts] Patrick. You've been wearing the same Goofy Goober
Peanut Party underpants for three years straight! [We see Patrick's underwear with the
Goofy Goober pictures on it] What do you call that!?
Patrick: Worship? [gets tears in his eyes] Oh, you're right, SpongeBob! We are kids! [Runs
off while crying then falls down]
SpongeBob: Pull your pants up, Patrick. We're going home.
Princess Mindy: But you can't go home!
[SpongeBob and Patrick see Mindy riding a coach driven by seahorses]
SpongeBob: Mindy!
Patrick: Mindy?! [Struggles to pull his shorts up] Huh...?
SpongeBob: How much did you hear?
Princess Mindy: I heard enough.
Patrick: Did you see my underwear?
Princess Mindy: No, Patrick.
Patrick: [About to pull down his shorts] Did you want to?
Princess Mindy: Look, guys, you may be kids, but you're the only ones left who can get that
crown.
SpongeBob: What do you mean, the only ones left?
Princess Mindy: Things have gotten a lot worse since you left Bikini Bottom. [Pulls out a
magical clam, which opens up revealing Bikini Bottom now] Or should I say, Planktopolis?
Slaves: All hail Plankton.
Plankton: [Holding a whip atop a pillar] No resting! This monument celebrating my glory isn't
gonna build itself! Move faster!
SpongeBob: Oh, my gosh! Patrick, look! Plankton's turned everyone we know into slaves.
[We see that everyone is doing work for Plankton] Squidward, [Squidward with a bucket
helmet on, his nose protruding through a hole in it, fans Plankton and Karen. Plankton is on
a throne with a bowl of fruit and Karen to his left.] Sandy, [Sandy is running on a hamster
wheel that powers a conveyor belt to transport stones.] Mrs. Puff, [Mrs. Puff smashes rocks
with a pickaxe. SpongeBob gasps.] even Gary. [Gary has a rope tied from a foundation block
to his shell. His eyestalks are covered by two miniature bucket helmets, and his shell is
sweating.]
Gary: Meow Plankton.
SpongeBob: Can't your father do something?
Princess Mindy: My father's too distracted by his bald spot to do anything. [The magical clam
shows King Neptune's bald spot about to be sprayed by the Squire with hair growth spray]
King Neptune: Squire, will you hurry? [The Squire is nervous. He closes his eyes and
accidentally sprays King Neptune's eyes, which grow hair. Neptune screams in pain]
Princess Mindy: [She closes the clam] So you see, you can't quit. The fate of Bikini Bottom
rests in your hands.
SpongeBob: But... but we're just...
Princess Mindy: Hey. It doesn't matter if you're kids. What's so wrong with being a kid,
anyway? Kids rule! You don't need to be a man to do this! You just gotta believe in yourself!
You just gotta believe! [Swims up into the sky, then comes back down]
SpongeBob: I believe.
Princess Mindy: That's the spirit!
SpongeBob: I believe that... everybody I know is a goner! [he and Patrick begin crying
hysterically]
Princess Mindy: Come on, guys. [they don't stop] Guys... [they still don't stop] Guys? [they
both spray tears to each other's mouths] Ew!
French Narrator: [a timecard says] Meanwhile... [and the French Narrator narrates it]
[Dennis is next seen crashing through a bunch of skulls and laughs and one skull becomes a
skull-and-crossbones symbol. The scene cuts back to Mindy. SpongeBob and Patrick are
now rocking and sucking their thumbs like babies.]
Princess Mindy: Guys? [no answer] Oh, boy. Think, Mindy, think. [comes up with an idea]
Yup, I guess you're right. [SpongeBob and Patrick look at her] A couple of kids could never
survive this journey. [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other and they cry again] That's
why I guess I'll just have to turn you into men. [SpongeBob and Patrick stop crying]
SpongeBob: You can do that? How?
Princess Mindy: With my mermaid magic.
[Horses neigh, the subtitles read: "Mermaid Magic?" Mindy shushes.]
SpongeBob: Did you hear that, Patrick? She'll use her mermaid magic to turn us into men!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray! [singing] We're gonna be men! We're gonna be men! We're
gonna be men!
Princess Mindy: Good. Now, let's get started. Close your eyes.
SpongeBob: [he and Patrick close their eyes] Are we men yet?
Princess Mindy: Not yet. Uh... spin around three times.
SpongeBob: [he and Patrick spin like doing ballet] I think it's working.
Princess Mindy: Good. Now, keep your eyes shut. [grabs two blades of seaweed] With my
mermaid magic and my one tailfin, [Patrick giggles. Mindy puts the seaweed onto
SpongeBob and Patrick] I command the two of you to turn into men! Open your eyes.
SpongeBob: [he and Patrick open their eyes] I don't feel any... [notices that Patrick has a
"mustache"] Oh, my gosh, Patrick, you have a mustache!
Patrick: So do you!
SpongeBob: Wow... [he and Patrick play with each other's "mustaches"]
Princess Mindy: So now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City? [SpongeBob and
Patrick still adore their "mustaches"] Guys!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah?
Princess Mindy: I said, now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Heck, yeah!
Princess Mindy: Are men afraid of anything?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Heck, no!
Princess Mindy: And why?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Because we're invincible! [they jump off the trench] Yeah! Woo-hoo!
Princess Mindy: [yelling down to them] I never said that!
[As they fall, SpongeBob and Patrick do tough moves.]
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Patrick: Yeah!
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Patrick: Yeah!
Both: Yeah! [Both laugh, hug, laugh again, separate, and kick their legs in delight.]
SpongeBob: Yeah! Yeah. [SpongeBob looks down and realizes something] Uhh... Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah, buddy?
SpongeBob: Why did we jump over the edge instead of taking the stairs?
Patrick: Bec - well... [They scream and hug each other in fear after realizing they are falling]
SpongeBob: [A branch catches them and stops them from falling and they land safely on the
ground. SpongeBob stops screaming but Patrick continues screaming] Patrick.
Patrick: [Stops screaming] Huh. Are we dead?
SpongeBob: No, far from it, my friend. We're safe and sound at the bottom of this trench.
[We see roaring monsters around the trench and the sign read Shell City pointing forwards
towards the road ]
Patrick: The mustaches worked!
SpongeBob: Do you know what that means? [He and Patrick stand up] We are invincible!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [The two heroes march forward and flamboyant march music starts
to play] ♪ Now that we're men, we can do anything. ♪ [An eel flips them in the sky and is
about to eat them] ♪ Now that we're men, we are invincible. ♪ [A squid catches them but
crashes in a tall piece of stalagmite] ♪ Now that we're men, we'll go to Shell City, ♪ [they slide
down the stalagmite and fly across 3 of the 10 slow monsters. They then fall in a
see-through fish]♪ et the crown, save the town, and Mr. Krabs. ♪ [They walk out of the end of
its gut. The fish closes it] ♪ Now that we're men, ♪ [walking between sea urchins]
SpongeBob: ♪ We have facial hair. ♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ Now that we're men, ♪
Patrick: [An urchin rips Patrick's shorts off] ♪ I change my underwear. ♪ [Patrick's pants
reappear offscreen]
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ Now that we're men, we've got a manly flair. ♪ [walking over
volcanoes that switch on and off] ♪ We've got the stuff. We're tough enough to save the day.
♪ [playing hopscotch over lava rocks] ♪ We never had a chance when we were kids. No! No!
No! ♪ [They dodge a monster's head, a green hand and a monstrous boulder] ♪ But take a
look at what the mermaid did. ♪ [They dodge a giant green crab who can't even get a chance
to pinch them] ♪ Ha! Ha! Ha! ♪ [They walk onto the road which turns out to be the right fin a
big, blue, one-eyed angler fish. The two begin dancing and slapping their bodies]
SpongeBob: Yeah, go, Pat. [a green 3-eyed fish and a red squid appears with the purple
one-eyed angler fish. While SpongeBob and Patrick continue slapping their bodies and legs,
the green 3-eyed fish beckons a big orange fish, a purple lobster/dragon, a green one eyed
monster with 3 arms on its head, a snail with its eyes on its shell, a big yellow monster with
an eye on a stalk and a clam with one eye in its mouth]
Patrick: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
SpongeBob: Oh yeah.
Patrick: Yeah, go SpongeBob. [They both finish by touching the tip of their toes] Ah!
Monsters: Hooray! ♪ Now that they're men, we can't bother them. Now that they're men, they
have become our friends. Now that they're men, there'll be a happy end. They'll pass the test
and finish the quest for the crown. They'll pass the test ♪ [they slap their bodies] ♪and finish
the quest. ♪ [and again] ♪They'll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown! ♪
All: Yay! [The group happily reaches the top of a trench as SpongeBob notices a sign]
SpongeBob: "Shell City, dead ahead." We did it, Pat! We made it past everything! Even the
hideous, disgusting monsters.
Monsters: Huh? Aww... [They begin to sadly walk away. SpongeBob notices]
SpongeBob: Not you guys. You guys are awesome! [Monsters just keep walking] Well,
Patrick, we should be there in one more verse.
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ Now that we're men... ♪ [They are interrupted by Dennis the
exterminator]
Dennis: Finally. [Cracks his knuckles] I got you right where I want you.
SpongeBob: Can I help you with something, sir?
Dennis: Name's Dennis. I've been hired to exterminate you.
SpongeBob: You're gonna exterminate us...? [They look at each other and laugh] Listen,
junior, you caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'm gonna let you off with
a warning. Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches.
Dennis: You mean, these? [Rips SpongeBob and Patrick's fake mustaches off of their faces.
SpongeBob and Patrick whimper while feeling their cheeks in horror] I thought you still had a
piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime.
[Dennis throws seaweed dramatically; seaweed falls to the ground after a slight spin.
SpongeBob and Patrick look at the seaweeds]
SpongeBob: They were... fake?
Dennis: Of course, they were fake! This is what a real mustache looks like. [He unmasks
himself, grunts, and grows a mustache]
Patrick: Is he a mermaid?
Dennis: All right. Enough gab.
SpongeBob: What are you gonna do to us...?
Dennis: Plankton was very specific.
SpongeBob: Plankton?!
Dennis: For some reason, he wanted me to step on you.
Patrick: Step on us?
Dennis: Yeah! That way you'll never find out that he stole the crown!
[SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other again, this time, more scared]
Dennis: Uh... Perhaps I've said too much. [rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed] [Spikes
pop out under his boot. He raises up his foot, ready to step on the two. SpongeBob and
Patrick hug each other and tremble in fear. Patrick puts his right hand to his chin. Patrick
then points at the spiky boot with his right index finger.]
Patrick: That's a big boot!
Dennis: Don't worry. This'll only hurt a lot! [laughs maniacally] I love this job! [Continues
laughing. Suddenly, an extremely large boot stomps on Dennis]
Patrick: Bigger boot! [Starts to run away, but SpongeBob stops him]
SpongeBob: Wait, Pat! This bigger boot saved our lives!
Patrick: Yay!
Both: Thank you, stranger!
[They look up to see a giant scuba diver breathing heavily]
SpongeBob: Uh... Stranger?
[Scuba diver looks at them]
SpongeBob: It's the Cyclops! [The two scream and try to outrun the Cyclops, but he grabs
them and takes them with him into the darkness as they both scream for help]
SpongeBob and Patrick: (Screaming) Help us! Help us! Save us, someone!
[SpongeBob and Patrick have recovered on a bed of tank pebbles, snoring till they wake up
in fright]
Patrick: Are we dead?
SpongeBob: I don't think so. [Inspects the ground] Artificially colored rocks?
[Patrick eats a pebble]
SpongeBob: I don't know where we are. [Bumps into glass] What is this?
Patrick: [Taps the glass of the fishbowl they are in] It's some kind of wall of psychic energy.
SpongeBob: No, Pat, it's a giant glass bowl.
[Screen zooms out to show the outside of the fishbowl]
SpongeBob: Hey, there's some fish folk.
[Camera unblurs to show some fish knick-knacks on the shelves and nooks]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hey, over here! Hey! Hey! Hey, you guys! You guys, hey! Help!
Hey! Help! A little help here! We're stuck in this... [Patrick stops yelling]
SpongeBob: Wait a second. [Camera shows three knick-knacks: some seahorses, a puffer
fish, and a mariachi band] Those fish are... [Camera zooms in to SpongeBob's mouth] dead.
[SpongeBob and Patrick hug each other and tremble in fear. The scuba diver spies on
SpongeBob and Patrick, who turn around and scream upon seeing him. They run around the
fishbowl in terror, while he laughs evilly. SpongeBob and Patrick bump into each other after
running around the fishbowl.] What's he gonna do with us?! [the scuba diver appears and
takes out a small toolbox] Oh, no, he's going for his evil instruments of torture! [the scuba
diver takes out glue and google eyes] Glue? Google eyes? [SpongeBob and Patrick hug
each other and tremble in fear] He's making a humorous diorama of... [scuba diver glues the
google eyes on a clam and puts a black top hat on it and a play rotary phone near it]
Alexander Clam Bell?! Patrick, he's killing sea animals and making them into smelly
knickknacks! And I think we're next!
Patrick: You think so? [The scuba diver takes Patrick out of the glass bowl, rustling up the
pebbles]
SpongeBob: Patrick! No! Ahh! [Scuba diver takes SpongeBob out of bowl too and places
both of them on a table containing a heat lamp] The heat is so intense from this lamp that I
can't... move.
Patrick: Tell me about it.
Scuba Diver: [Laughs maniacally, takes a book, steps into the bathroom and closes the door]
SpongeBob: This doesn't look too good, Patrick.
Patrick: [In a weak voice] You mean we're not gonna... ♪ get the crown, save the town and
Mr. Krabs? ♪
SpongeBob: I don't even think we're gonna be able to save ourselves, buddy. [SpongeBob's
arm falls off, then Patrick puts it back]
SpongeBob: Thanks.
Patrick: Don't mention it.
SpongeBob: Well, it looks like what everybody said about us is true, Patrick.
Patrick: You mean that we're attractive?
SpongeBob: No, that we're just... kids. A couple of kids in way over their heads. We were
doomed from the start. I mean, look at us. We didn't even come close to the crown. We let
everybody down. We failed.
Patrick: Shell City.
SpongeBob: Yeah. We never made it to Shell City.
Patrick: Shell City.
SpongeBob: Exactly, buddy. Yeah, the place we never got to.
Patrick: Shell City.
SpongeBob: OK, now you're starting to bum me out, Patrick.
Patrick: No, look at the sign. [SpongeBob sees what he was talking about. A sign by the
door] "Shell City Marine Gifts & Sundries."
SpongeBob: Shell City is a gift shop? But if this is Shell City, then where's the...? [Camera
zooms out to show Neptune's crown sitting on a cushion]
Patrick and SpongeBob: C-c-c... Crown...!
SpongeBob: Neptune's crown! This is Shell City! Pat, we did make it!
Patrick: Yeah, I guess we did.
SpongeBob: [sniffles] We did all right for a couple of goofballs. [Each sheds a single tear of
joy]
SpongeBob: [in a weak voice] I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah...
SpongeBob and Patrick: You're a Goofy Goober, yeah... [Camera goes down to show the
tears merging to form a heart] We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah. [Screen goes back up to show
the two drying up] Goofy... goofy... Goober... goober... yeah! [The two dehydrate and die]
[The camera pans back in the theater, where all of the pirates in the audience are crying.]
Captain: That's the end of SpongeBob! [To a pirate] Come here, you... [Hugs him tight when
a parrot lands on his shoulder]
Captain's Parrot: [squawk] Shut up and look at the screen!
Captain: Arr! The bird's right. Look! [Camera goes back to movie to show the teardrop again]
It be the tear of the Goofy Goobers!
[The teardrop rolls down the lamp's wire into the electrical outlet, which short-circuits and lets
out smoke, causing the sprinklers to turn on. SpongeBob and Patrick start to soak in the
water and then they come back to life soon after. They both suffocate for one second]
SpongeBob: Hey, we're alive! [The audience cheers. SpongeBob and Patrick enjoy the
artificial rain for a moment to get even more wet. SpongeBob sticks out his tongue to catch
droplets, and Patrick stretches out the front of his pants, so water gets in there, too. Then,
they run to the edge of the desk.] Let's get that crown!
Patrick: Right! [He and SpongeBob rush over to the crown and get ready to pick it up]
SpongeBob: On three, Patrick. Ready? One, two, three. [The scuba diver picks up the
crown] Hey, it's lighter than I thought! Whoa! [The camera pulls up to reveal that the scuba
diver is the one that picked it up.]
[SpongeBob and Patrick scream]
Scuba Diver: [roaring]
Patrick: [Suddenly, all of the sea creatures in the room begin to shake and come back to life
because of the water] What's happening?
SpongeBob: I don't know! Look!
[Hundreds of other sea creatures, including the pufferfish, the mariachi band, the seahorses,
3 starfish who bear a strong resemblance to Patrick, some octopuses/jellyfish and 3 lobsters
that bear a strong resemblance to Mr. Krabs and Larry the Lobster, reanimate, all angry at
the scuba diver. A swordfish, a yellow fish, a hammerhead, a light blue fish, three starfish, an
indigo fish, an octopus, and a golden fish appear in the foreground, growling at the scuba
diver. A lobster taps the scuba diver's shoulder]
Scuba Diver: Huh? [the lobster pulls out google eyes and a tube of glue] Uh-oh. [The lobster
sprays glue at the scuba diver's helmet. He falls over as the sea creatures attack him. The
mariachi fish shrug and continue playing, while all the Shell City sea creatures continue to
beat up the scuba diver as revenge, while SpongeBob and Patrick escape]
SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick! Let's get this crown back to Bikini Bottom! [The two carry the
crown outside to the beach] Do you still have that bag of winds?
Patrick: I sure do! [Patrick shows a lump on his butt. He and SpongeBob laugh] Here you go.
[Pulls out the bag. SpongeBob stares at the lump, wide-eyed] What?
SpongeBob: Nothing, nothing... Okay, let's go over the instructions. [Reads the paper with
the instructions on it] Let's see, it says here, "Step one: Point bag away from home."
Patrick: Okay. [Points bag at Shell City]
SpongeBob: "Step two: Plant feet firmly on ground."
Patrick: Right! [Plants his feet in the sand]
SpongeBob: "Step three: Remove string from bag releasing the winds."
Patrick: Check. [Pulls the string tied around the bag, and the bag flies out of his arm. He
looks around]
SpongeBob: Well, that seems simple enough. "Point bag away from home, feet firmly on
ground, pull string, releasing the winds." All right, let's do it for real.
Patrick: Uh, SpongeBob? [points to the bag flying away like a deflating balloon]
SpongeBob: No, no, stop! [He chases after the bag]
Patrick: I was bad, I'm sorry! Please, bag. I'm sorry, I just thought... It was a mistake! [the
bag falls into the water]
SpongeBob: Oh, no. How will we ever get back to Bikini Bottom now?
David Hasselhoff: I can take you there. [just then, a voice turns out to be David Hasselhoff
who is running in slow motion like he did in Baywatch]
SpongeBob: Who are you?
David Hasselhoff: I'm David Hasselhoff.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray!
SpongeBob: Uh, so where's your boat?
David Hasselhoff: Boat? [He laughs heartily]
[The next scene depicts SpongeBob and Patrick riding toward Bikini Bottom on Hasselhoff]
SpongeBob: Go, Hasselhoff!
Patrick: Next stop, Bikini Bottom.
[In Bikini Bottom, Plankton's slaves are still under control]
Bikini Bottom Residents: All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton.
[Inside the Krusty Krab 2, Plankton is walking in]
Plankton: Well, Krabs, you know what today is? [Looks at calendar. The date is March 13]
Sorry about this, calendar. [Changes it] March 14. Wait, that's not right. It should say "The
day that Krabs fries!" [He laughs evilly.] Huh? [He looks out the window and sees Neptune
and Mindy arrive. He chortles] Ohh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Guess who's here.
[Above the ocean, Hasselhoff is now gliding like a motorboat. A fisherman looks at
Hasselhoff and he falls to the sea]
SpongeBob: Hooray for Hasselhoff! Nothing can stop us now.
Patrick: Unidentified object off the hindquarters.
SpongeBob: It looks like... [The diver's boot emerges from the ocean] Bigger boot. But how?
[The boot stops behind Hasselhoff's foot, then tilts back to reveal a crushed green blob,
resembling Plankton when he gets stepped on. From it, Dennis' limbs emerge and he peels
himself off the boot, fully reforming with his sunglasses smashed, his clothes tattered, and
his teeth jagged.]
SpongeBob: Ahh! Dennis!
Dennis: Did you miss me?
[At the Krusty Krab 2, Neptune and Mindy arrive]
Plankton: [He has popcorn and a drink with him. He is sitting on a small chair] This is the
best seat in the house. All right, Neptune, let's get it on!
King Neptune: Eugene Krabs, your six-day reprieve is up. And it is time for you to die.
Mr. Krabs: [Krabs is rapidly sweating mounds of ice cubes] Please, I didn't do it! [sobs]
King Neptune: There is nothing else I can do.
Princess Mindy: You can give SpongeBob and Patrick a little more time.
King Neptune: Except give SpongeBob and Patrick a little more ti-ti-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-- What?
[Realizes what he just said, then turns to Mindy] Mindy, will you butt out? I won't have you
stalling this execution.
Princess Mindy: Stalling? I'm not stalling anything.
King Neptune: Yes, you are.
Princess Mindy: [clearly stalling] No, I'm not.
King Neptune: Yes, you are. You're doing it right now.
Princess Mindy: I'm stalling.
King Neptune: Yes.
Princess Mindy: Stalling?
King Neptune: Stalling!
Princess Mindy: Stalling.
King Neptune: Stalling!
Plankton: Oh, boy.
[Back above the ocean, Dennis has cornered SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick is hugging
SpongeBob in fear.]
Dennis: Now, where were we? [Removes his damaged sunglasses]
SpongeBob: Patrick, run!
Patrick: No. I'm tired of running. [Cracking his knuckles] If we run now, [Prepares to fight
Dennis] we'll never stop--! [Dennis throws Patrick towards Hasselhoff's feet] Ah-ha-hoo! Run,
SpongeBob! [SpongeBob screams and runs under Dennis. SpongeBob slides in
Hasselhoff's behind but Dennis stabs it with his knife]
David Hasselhoff: Ooh! Take it easy back there, fellas.
[SpongeBob is on Hasselhoff's right leg trying to avoid Dennis]
Patrick: SpongeBob, be careful!
Dennis: Come on, kid, give it up. [SpongeBob looks at the edge] Dennis always gets his
man. [Tries to grab SpongeBob but he jumps to Hasselhoff's other leg in slow-motion]
SpongeBob: [Extended] Never! [Reaches the other side] Yeah! I did it!
Dennis: [Suddenly in the other side behind SpongeBob] You got guts, kid. [SpongeBob gets
shocked] Too bad I gotta rip 'em out of you.
SpongeBob: Uh, I don't know what Plankton's paying you, [Takes out a pile of Goober
Dollars] but if you let us go, I can make it worth your while. [Dennis swipes the dollars]
Dennis: It's gonna take a lot more than five... [Looks at the dollars] What is this?
SpongeBob: Uh, that, sir, is five Goober Dollars. Legal tender at any participating Goofy
Goober-- [Dennis tosses the dollars aside and grabs SpongeBob by the throat] I got bubbles.
Fun at parties. [removes his wand into the bottle; the wind causing soapy bubbles to blow
from it right into Dennis' eyes]
Dennis: [His eyes become irritated] My eyes! [screams in pain as he holds his eyes and
throws SpongeBob]
Patrick: I got you, SpongeBob! [Catches him]
SpongeBob: Thanks, buddy. [Dennis is ready to crush them with his cleated boot] Uh, thanks
a lot.
Dennis: [His eyes are now sore] That's it! I'm through messin' around! See ya later, fools!
[Boat horn honks] Huh? [Dennis turns around to see Hasselhoff swimming straight towards a
catamaran] Ahh! [Dennis is struck by the catamaran, thus preventing SpongeBob and
Patrick's awaited fate]
Patrick: See ya.
[Inside the Krusty Krab 2]
Princess Mindy: So you think... I'm... [King Neptune is clenching his fists in fury] stalling.
King Neptune: Gah! Where am I, in Crazytown?! I have had enough of this nonsense!
[Slams his trident to the floor] You... are to wait in the carriage until the execution is done!
Princess Mindy: [Goes to the door] But Daddy...
King Neptune: Now! [She goes outside. Neptune puts locks on the door]
Princess Mindy: [Bashes the door every time she says, "no"] No, no, no! Oh, SpongeBob,
wherever you are, you better hurry.
[At the Surface, David arrived near Bikini Atoll Island just below Bikini Bottom]
David Hasselhoff: Okay, fellas, this is where you get off. Bikini Bottom's directly below.
SpongeBob: But we'll never be able to float down in time!
David Hasselhoff: Who said anything about floating? [Stands up]
Houston Voice: Initiating launch sequence.
SpongeBob and Patrick: What the? [Hasselhoff's pecs turn into launchers]
SpongeBob: Did you see that?
Patrick: The control! [Hasselhoff grabs them]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [Upon being grabbed by Hasselhoff, squeaking like a dog toy]
Whoa!
David Hasselhoff: All hands on deck. [Places them on his pecs and prepares for liftoff]
Houston Voice: Ten seconds to liftoff. Nine, eight...
King Neptune: Eugene Krabs, the time has come... [Lights his trident]
Princess Mindy: [Outside] No!
Plankton: [Jumps off his chair] Yes!
Houston Voice: ...six, five...
King Neptune: ... for you...
Princess Mindy: [Outside] No!
Plankton: [Pulls Antennae] Yes!
Houston Voice: ...three, two...
King Neptune: ...to fry.
Princess Mindy: [Outside] No!
Plankton: [Wide-eyed] Yes!
Houston Voice: ... one. [SpongeBob, Patrick, and the crown are launched back down to
Bikini Bottom]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [screaming]
Mr. Krabs: [Closes his eyes] No! [Just then, SpongeBob and Patrick fall through the roof.
Krabs is about to be fried, but the crown blocks the ray, and it is blasted up to the surface,
where Hasselhoff is floating on his back]
David Hasselhoff: You done good, Hasselhoff. You done... [He is blasted with King Neptune's
ray but survives] Ow. [Back at the sea. Mr. Krabs opens his eyes, seeing SpongeBob and
Patrick dancing with delight and King Neptune looking at his crown.]
SpongeBob: Hooray! We made it!
Patrick: We made it! [Mr. Krabs happily dances with them.]
King Neptune: My crown! My beautiful crown! [Kisses it]
Princess Mindy: [Comes inside] SpongeBob? Patrick? I knew you could do it! [Hugs them.
Plankton then starts clapping slowly]
Plankton: [Sarcastically] Oh, yes. Well done, SpongeBoob.
SpongeBob: [Sarcastically] Sorry to rain on your parade, Plankton.
Plankton: Oh, don't worry about me. My parade shall be quite dry under my... umbrella! [pulls
a cord that is hanging above him]
SpongeBob, Princess Mindy, and Patrick: Umbrella? [Turn to Neptune, who is still kissing his
crown. The door on the ceiling that says, King Size, opens up and a helmet falls out. It lands
on King Neptune's head. He struggles to get it off]
Princess Mindy: Daddy, no!
Plankton: Daddy, yes! [pulls out a remote control with only a big, red button on it. He presses
the button]
King Neptune: [we see Neptune still struggling. An antenna emerges from the top of the
helmet, turning him to a slave. He stops and says only 3 words] All hail Plankton. [Mindy,
SpongeBob, and Patrick scream in disbelief and horror. Meanwhile, Plankton's slaves burst
in through the windows]
Slaves: All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton. [Patrick, Mindy,
and SpongeBob back up against the wall. Neptune lights his trident]
Patrick: SpongeBob, what happened?
SpongeBob: Plankton cheated.
Plankton: Cheated?! [to Neptune] Hold on there, baldy! [Neptune turns off the light in his
trident. To SpongeBob] Oh, grow up. What, you think this is a game of kickball on the
playground? You never had a chance to defeat me, fool! And you know why?
SpongeBob: Because you cheated?
Plankton: [Dumbfounded for a second] No, not because I cheated. Because I'm an evil
genius! And you're just a kid. A stupid kid! [he and his slaves laugh]
SpongeBob: I guess you're right, Plankton. I am just a kid.
Plankton: Of course I'm right. Okay, Neptune, time to kill.
SpongeBob: And you know, I've been through a lot in the past six days, five minutes,
twenty-seven-and-a-half seconds. And if I've learned anything during that time, It's that you
are who you are.
Plankton: That's right. Okay, Neptune...
SpongeBob: And no amount of mermaid magic... [turns to Mindy, who looks down sadly] ...or
managerial promotion... [turns to the frozen Mr. Krabs] ...or some other third thing... can
make me anything more than what I really am inside: A kid.
Plankton: That's great. Now, get back against the wall.
SpongeBob: [over microphone] But that's okay!
Plankton: What? What's goin' on?
SpongeBob: Because I did what everyone said a kid couldn't do! I made it to Shell City, and I
beat the Cyclops, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the crown back!
Plankton: All right, we get the point.
SpongeBob: So, yeah, I'm a kid. [dry ice smoke surrounds Plankton, and a spotlight falls on
SpongeBob] And I'm also a goofball, and a wingnut, and a Knucklehead McSpazzatron!
Plankton: [coughs from the smoke] What's goin' on here?
SpongeBob: But most of all, I'm... [swipes his arm]
Plankton: Okay, settle down...
Spongebob: I'm...
Plankton: Take it easy!
SpongeBob: I'm...!
Plankton: What the scallop?!
SpongeBob: [bursts into song] ♪ I'm a Goofy Goober! Rock! ♪ [Plankton goes flying into the
wall and leaves a gaping hole in it. SpongeBob points at the crowd of bucketheads] ♪ You're
a Goofy Goober! Rock! [the camera zooms out of the Krusty Krab 2 and Bikini Bottom and
into space, showing the Earth made of clay. SpongeBob jumps on top of the clay Earth]
We're all Goofy Goobers! [a UFO with an alien in it floats by. It briefly stops and SpongeBob
jumps into it, then it flies off-screen] Rock! [the Earth turns over to reveal SpongeBob's face
on the other side] Goofy, goofy, goober, goober! Rock! [the camera zooms into SpongeBob's
mouth and transitions to a scene with a brick wall with a large vent on it. A spotlight moves
around before it focuses on SpongeBob, who is sneaking forward and wearing a green
toque. SpongeBob stops at a part of the brick wall with a sign labeled "JAIL" and a TNT
plunger near it] Put your toys away, well, all I gotta say when you tell me not to play, I say no
way! [pushes the TNT plunger, causing an explosion to destroy the wall. Several toys come
running out] No way! No, no, freaking way! [transition to a scene with SpongeBob wearing a
black fedora and standing under something] I'm a kid, you say, [the camera zooms out to
reveal Patrick, who has grown to a huge size and is wearing fishnet socks and black boots
with heels] when you say I'm a kid I say, say it again and then I say thanks! [Patrick kicks up
his right leg] Thanks! [Patrick spins around, claps, and does a split] Thank you very much!
[SpongeBob pulls down his shades and shows a surprised expression. The scene is
duplicated twice. Transition to a background of ice cream. SpongeBob moves backward in a
forward slithering motion] So if you're thinking that you'd like to be like me, go ahead and try,
the kid inside [SpongeBob opens his mouth and stretches out his tongue. A smaller
SpongeBob slides across SpongeBob's tongue] will set! You! Free! [the tiny SpongeBob
dons a top hat, dress outfit, bowtie, star-shaped sunglasses and cane (all colored white) and
dances while moving the cane back and forth] Humala bebuhla zeebuhla boobuhla humala
bebuhla zeebuhla bop! [the scene shatters to transition back to the Krusty Krab 2.
SpongeBob held the same pose as when he stopped dancing] I'm a Goofy Goober! [the
word "ROCK!" written in pink is shown on a background of a grassy field with a large stone
in it] Rock! ♪
Plankton: [recovering from being flung into the wall] What's happening? [sees SpongeBob
dancing] His dance moves are impressive, [puts on headphones and a microphone] but I'm
in control. [to his slaves] Seize him!
Slaves: All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton. [crowd in around SpongeBob. A few seconds
later, SpongeBob bursts out in a wizard outfit (with a purple hat and robe both covered in
peanuts, and tall, white shoes), playing an electric guitar (with the letters "GG" on its head,
obviously standing for "Goofy Goober"). He slowly goes up while Plankton and Mr. Krabs
look at him ascend]
Patrick: Whoo!
[As SpongeBob plays the electric guitar, its head stock lights up and a laser beam blasts out
and destroys a slave's helmet.]
Fish: [after SpongeBob zaps his helmet, and it comes off] I'm free. I've been freed!
Plankton: What? [SpongeBob zaps more helmets off. Plankton screams] No! [SpongeBob
twirls into action, zapping even more helmets off] My precious helmets!
Squidward: [SpongeBob zaps his helmet] Ha!
Mrs. Puff: [SpongeBob zaps her helmet] Oh!
Sandy: [SpongeBob zaps her helmet] Yee-haw!
Gary: [SpongeBob zaps his helmet] Meow. [SpongeBob blasts the Krusty Krab 2's antenna,
breaking the helmets on all slaves outside]
All: [in their slave voices as earlier] Yay.
Plankton: His chops are too righteous! The helmets can't handle this level of rock 'n' roll!
Karen, do something! Karen? [looks for her. She is surfing through the crowd] All right, that's
the last straw! Neptune, I command you to-- [SpongeBob zaps King Neptune's helmet.
Mindy hands him his crown]
Princess Mindy: Here you go, Daddy.
Plankton: I... better get outta here. [runs for the door, but a crowd of freed fish burst in]
Sandals: Look, it's the wizard who saved us.
Plankton: Out of my way, fools. [the freed fish ignore him and rush to see SpongeBob,
stomping over him in the process] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow...! Ow! [yelping]
[ A few hours later, Plankton is now squished flat into the texture of cookie dough, covered
with shoeprints. ]

Plankton: Come on, I was just kidding.

[ A policeman scraps him off the ground with a snow shovel ]

Plankton: You guys knew that didn't you?

[ The police officer then tossed Plankton into a prison truck labeled "Institution for the
Criminally Tiny" ]

Plankton: With the helmets and the big monuments... [nervously laughs] Wasn't that
hilarious, everybody? [The truck drives away] Th... I will destroy all of you! [everyone
watches the scene unfold and they return to the Krusty Krab 2]
King Neptune: Well, Mindy, I have to admit, you were right. Your compassion for these sea
creatures proved a most admirable trait. Without it, I would have never again seen my
beloved crown. I think you're going to make a fine ruler of the sea one day. Now, let's go
home. [turns to leave, but is stopped by Mindy]
Princess Mindy: Daddy, haven't you forgotten something?
King Neptune: What? Oh, yeah. Eugene Krabs, I forgot to unfreeze you. [does so, but Mr.
Krabs is now a human instead of a crab]
Mr. Krabs: What the?
King Neptune: Whoops! I guess I had it set to "real boy" ending. [sets the trident's ending
settings from "real boy" to "unfrozen" and then turns Mr. Krabs back from a human into a
crab]
Mr. Krabs: Yippee!
King Neptune: Oh, I'm sorry for falsely freezing you, Krabs. And may I say, sir, you are a very
lucky fellow to have in your employment such a brave, faithful, and heroic young lad. Where
is he, anyway?
SpongeBob: I'm up here. [we see him hanging from ropes]
Patrick: I'm on it. [wearing fishnets and high heels; gets SpongeBob down]
King Neptune: Go to him now, Krabs. Embrace him. [Mr. Krabs walks over to SpongeBob]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy, I'm sorry I ever doubted ye. That's a mistake I won't make
again.
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, you old soft serve. [they hug]
Mr. Krabs: And now, SpongeBob, I'm gonna do something that I should've done six days
ago. Mr. Squidward! Front and center, please. [Squidward comes] I think we all know who
rightfully deserves to wear that manager pin. [looks at SpongeBob]
Squidward: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Harold: Hooray for SpongeBob!
[Everyone cheers.]
SpongeBob: Wait a second, everybody. There's something I need to say first. I just don't
know how to put it.
Squidward: I think I know what it is. After going on your life-changing journey, you now
realize you don't want what you thought you wanted. What you really wanted was inside you
all along.
SpongeBob: [grabs the manager pin] Are you crazy? I was just gonna say that your fly is
down! [Squidward's eyes widen] Manager? This is the greatest day of my life! [jumps in the
air in excitement and a freeze frame occurs and fades to the credits]
[The credits begin rolling as "Ocean Man," "SpongeBob and Patrick Confront the Psychic
Wall of Energy," "Just a Kid," and "The Best Day Ever (song): The Best Day Ever" play. Back
in a post-credits scene, the curtains close as the MPAA logo disappears by moving up, and
we go back to the theater. Everyone has left except for the pirates and popcorn boxes are
everywhere.]
Captain: You know. David Hasselhoff is a great artist.
Usher: Excuse me, sir. You folks have to leave. [all the pirates growl]
Captain: What?! [points his sword at her] Say that again, if you dare!
Usher: You folks have to leave.
Captain: [sadly now that he knows] Okay.
[Everyone leaves the theater, and the usher sweeps up the popcorn on the floor, humming.
The 2002 Paramount Pictures logo appears and fades out, ending the movie.]