wellbeing

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MICRO-
CHEATING?
Discover the subtle actions that can create a chasm of mistrust, and
how to go about navigating this tricky relationship territory
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

E
ver caught yourself Some examples of micro- be acceptable to another. What
deleting innocent text cheating can include: constitutes micro-cheating is
messages from a colleague? • Secretive conversations online personal to each relationship and
Or felt a twinge of guilt about • Regularly checking an ex- the people involved, so it can be
that late-night Instagram scroll partner’s social media profile important to have conversations
through your ex’s profile? These • Saving contacts under fake with a partner so you’re both
seemingly harmless moments names to avoid detection on the same page regarding
that somehow feel wrong have a • Discussing intimate details boundaries, and what you
name: micro-cheating. with others consider appropriate.
• Engaging in flirting that would
What is micro-cheating? upset your partner What influences
Micro-cheating refers to small • Inappropriate touching perceptions of
actions that aren’t technically • Hiding your relationship status micro-cheating?
considered cheating by some from others Factors like personal values,
people, but still feel like a • Still maintaining, or swiping past experiences, and cultural
breach of trust. It might not on, an online dating profile norms, can contribute to what
involve physical intimacy — the individuals classify as micro-
stereotypical hallmark of infidelity While these are examples cheating. For example, someone
— but could involve anything of micro-cheating for some who values having a strong
from a stolen glance to flirting, relationships, there are no support network may have no
or ‘liking’ provocative Instagram hard-and-fast rules. What one issue with a partner who shares
photos of someone else. person sees as a violation may intimate relationship details >>>

[Link] | Issue 94 | 21
 with a friend when they need 30% of those aged 45–54 felt the anger. They may feel invalidated if
to. Whereas, someone who has same way, highlighting how the other person doesn’t ‘believe’
experienced infidelity in the past personal experience shapes what they have cheated at all. The
may have stricter boundaries qualifies as cheating. perpetrator may feel guilty after
about what kind of information finding out the upset they’ve
sharing is appropriate. Why talking about caused, and this can create a
Similarly, differing attachment micro-cheating matters further divide and lack of trust.
styles can influence what Whatever micro-cheating means
people need to feel secure in a to you, it’s essential that you and Identifying
relationship. From my experience your partner(s) define it within micro-cheating
and knowledge of queer culture, your relationship. Otherwise, So, how do you spot micro-
maintaining a friendship and even anyone in the relationship is cheating in the first place?
sharing custody of a pet with an at risk of inadvertently micro- Counsellor Abigail Holman says,
ex is more commonly accepted cheating, because expectations “One of the early signs is a sense
than in other communities. A 2023 haven’t been made clear. of secrecy – perhaps one partner
Newsweek survey also revealed Because micro-cheating is such becomes defensive when asked
differing generational perceptions a grey area, it has emotional about certain interactions, or
of cheating, with 43% of those consequences for all involved. The starts hiding their phone.”
aged 18–24 agreeing that cheating person who has been hurt may You may notice your partner
must be ‘physical’ to count. Only experience mistrust, grief, and has become preoccupied with
one particular person, hides
their conversations, or has

The world of suddenly changed passwords on

their devices. “If either partner
micro-cheating starts feeling uneasy, or there’s a
noticeable emotional distance, it’s
challenges us to a sign that trust might be at risk,”

examine not just Abigail adds.

When these feelings arise, it’s
our actions, but important to approach the issue

the intentions
with empathy and openness. “We
all have different upbringings,
behind them life experiences, and relationship
histories, so it’s important not to
assume that our partner will have
the exact same set of values as we
do,” says Abigail. “By listening and
understanding their perspective,
this can lead to greater emotional
intimacy and trust.”

Symptom of
underlying issues
While it’s easy to focus on the
behaviours themselves, micro-
cheating often stems from
deeper emotional needs. “When

22 | Issue 94 | [Link]
 relationships

A word of warning about damaging

your bond.
you feel secure. This might
mean discussing how much
There’s a big difference between raising valid “Start by sharing interaction with ex-partners
concerns around potential breaches of trust, how certain feels comfortable, or what type
and controlling or coercive behaviour. Making behaviours make of sharing feels appropriate.
unreasonable demands for attention, baseless you feel, rather It’s not about making demands,
accusations of infidelity, and telling someone than accusing but more about sharing your
what to do, wear, or think are all signs of a your partner,” perspective and being open to
potentially abusive relationship. Visit [Link]/live- says Abigail. “For hearing theirs.
well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence example, ‘I feel “Boundaries respect both
to learn more. uncomfortable partners’ autonomy, whereas
when…’ is a demands limit it,” says Abigail.
someone struggles with low great way to invite a supportive “Setting healthy boundaries
self-esteem or insecurities, they conversation.” means honouring both
may seek validation outside their If you’re the perpetrator, now partners’ feelings, and making
relationship, often in small, is the time to apologise and take sure they reflect a mutual
subtle ways,” Abigail explains. responsibility for your actions. agreement on what feels right.”
“Although we often assume a “Rebuilding trust after micro- The world of micro-cheating
secure relationship would give cheating can be challenging,” challenges us to examine
someone the validation they says Abigail, “but it’s definitely not just our actions, but the
need, it doesn’t always feel that possible with time and effort. intentions behind them. Rather
way for someone with deep- It’s important to discuss non- than seeing micro-cheating as
rooted insecurities.” negotiables – things that each a red flag, perhaps we should
This could be anything person absolutely needs in the see it as a chance to improve
from personal insecurities to relationship – and where there’s communication and self-
unresolved trauma from past room for compromise.” awareness. By talking about
relationships. “If one partner A breach in trust can offer a our needs, insecurities, and
is seeking emotional support unique opportunity to get vocal boundaries, we can strengthen
or attention from someone about your needs and boundaries our foundations. The goal here
else, it may be a sign that their which, although difficult in the isn’t to gain control, but to
emotional needs aren’t being moment, can lead to a deeper create trusting relationships
fully met,” says Abigail. While connection in the long-term. where we feel secure enough
this doesn’t excuse the micro- to be transparent about our
cheating behaviour, it does Make boundaries, emotions. In doing so, we
suggest that taking time to not demands might find that what matters
engage in an open dialogue and “When everyone agrees on isn’t the precise definition
understanding its origins could the rules of the game, there is of micro-cheating, but our
help rebuild the relationship on less room for confusion, and willingness to understand and
better foundations. everyone knows where they respect each other’s emotional
stand,” explains Abigail. “This needs.
How to discuss means there is less space for grey
micro-cheating areas or accidental boundary-
Abigail Holman is a
When you suspect someone of crossing, which helps maintain
counsellor, coach, and
micro-cheating, the first step trust and respect.” trainer. Discover more
is to share how you feel. This Being clear with those you are on the Counselling
is understandably quite scary, in relationships with allows you Directory.
especially if you’re worried to communicate what makes

[Link] | Issue 94 | 23