MODULE-3:
UNDERSTANDING HARMONY IN THE FAMILY AND SOCIETY- HARMONY IN
HUMAN – HUMAN RELATIONSHIP
1. Understanding values in human-human relationship; meaning of Justice (nine
universal values in relationships) and program for its fulfilment to ensure mutual
happiness; Trust and Respect as the foundational values of relationship
2. Understanding the meaning of Trust; Difference between intention and
competence
3. Understanding the meaning of Respect, Difference between respect and
differentiation;
the other salient values in relationship
4. Understanding the harmony in the society (society being an extension of family):
Resolution, Prosperity, fearlessness (trust) and co-existence as comprehensive
Human
Goals
5. Visualizing a universal harmonious order in society- Undivided Society, Universal
Order- from family to world family.
Include practice sessions to reflect on relationships in family, hostel and institute as
extended family, real life examples, teacher-student relationship, goal of education
etc. Gratitude as a universal value in relationships. Discuss with scenarios. Elicit
examples from students‘ lives.
Part – I
Harmony in the Family . Understanding
Values in Human Relationships
I n the previous chapters, we studied about harmony in the human being. The next level
of living is the family. We will now explore into harmony at the level of family.
Harmony in the Family
Here is a set of proposals for you to verify:
1. Relationship IS and it exists between the Self (‘I’) and the other Self (‘I’).
2. The Self (‘I’) has feelings in a relationship. These feelings are between ‘I’ and ‘I’.
3. These feelings in the Self (‘I’) are definite. i.e. they can be identified with definiteness.
4. Recognizing and fulfilling these feelings leads to mutual happiness in relationship.
Now, we will explore into each of the above in detail.
Question : Who has these feelings? ‘I’ or Body?
Answer : ‘I’.
Question : With whom does ‘I’ have these feelings? With the other ‘I’ or the other
Body?
Answer : With the other ‘I’.
Here’s another question: Who wants trust in relationship? You or the Body?
The answer is, I want trust.
Again, from whom do you want this trust? The other ‘I’ or Body?
Answer is, from the other I.
This is something you can easily verify yourself, that it is ‘I’ that wants trust. There is
no part of the body that wants trust, no part of the body that wants respect. When you
respect someone, you respect the person, ‘I’, and not their body organs! When you ‘trust’
someone, it is the person, and not the body. Trust is something to do with the person, the
Self (‘I’).
That is to say, the feelings in relationship are between ‘I’ and ‘I’.
Justice (Nyãya)
In the light of the discussion above, we can understand ‘justice’.
Justice is the recognition of values (the definite feelings) in relationship, their fulfilment,
the right evaluation of the fulfilment resulting in mutual happiness (Ubhay-tripti).
Thus there are four elements of justice: recognition of values, fulfilment, evaluation
and mutual happiness ensured. When all the four are ensured, justice is ensured. Mutual
fulfilment is the hallmark of justice. And justice is essential in all relationships, be it with
the small kid in your house, your old grandpa, the maid in the house, your fast friends or
your distant relations. We need to grow up in relationships to ensure continuity of justice
in all our relationships.
The process of ensuring justice has been outlined in the diagram below:
What is the State Today?
We need to evaluate for ourselves whether we are able to ensure justice in relationships. Let
us answer a few questions listed below:
l Do we want justice only on few occasions or every moment?
l Will the justice get ensured in the family or in courts of law?
l In
how many relationships and on how many occasions, are we presently able to
ensure justice?
The fact is, what we need first is the right understanding and this right understanding is
not ensured by having money. Secondly, we need the feelings in relationships to be fulfilled,
which is also not ensured by having money!
Values in Human Relationships
Let us list the salient values in relationships and try to verify the acceptance for them
within us. As mentioned earlier, we need to verify them at the level of our natural acceptance
and then try to live accordingly to realize mutual fulfillment.
Feelings (Values) in Relationships :
(1) Trust (Visvãsa ) (can be spelt as ‘Vishvas’ too)
(2) Respect (Sammãna) (can be spelt as ‘Samman’ too)
(3) Affection (Sneha)
(4) Care (Mamatã) (can be spelt as ‘Mamata’ too)
(5) Guidance (Vãtsalya) (can be spelt as ‘Vatsalya’ too)
(6) Reverence (Shraddhã) (can be spelt as ‘Shraddha’ too)
(7) Glory (Guarava)
(8) Gratitude ( Kritagyatã ) (can be spelt as ‘Kritagyata’ too)
(9) Love (Prema) (can be spelt as ‘Prem’ too)
Now we will elaborate on each of these.
Trust (Visvãsa)
Trust or vishwãs is the foundational value in relationship.
The feeling of Trust (Visvãsa ) in relationship is defined as:
“To be assured that each human being inherently wants oneself and the other to be
happy and prosperous.
To understand this, let us examine the following proposals:
1. I want to make myself happy
2. I want to make the other happy
3. The other wants to be happy
4. The other wants to make me happy
Is this true for you?
Ask yourself this question: “When do you feel afraid of somebody, and when do you feel
assured?
The Answer is:
l We feel assured of the other person when we are sure that the other wants to work for
my happiness and prosperity.
l Whenever I feel the other will deny my happiness and/or prosperity, I am afraid of the
person.
Let us explore further the following:
1. Do I want to make myself happy?
2. Do I want to make the other happy?
3. Does the other want to make himself happy?
4. Does the other want to make me happy?
When you examine, you find that there are two parts in this exploration:
1. Intention (wanting to-our natural acceptance) &
2. Competence (being able to do)
Intention is what one aspires for (our natural acceptance), competence is the ability to
fulfil the aspiration.
When we are assured of the intention of the other and find that the competence is
lacking, we become a help to the other. When we doubt the intention of the other, we get
into opposition.
You may ask, “how do we know what the other person’s intentions are?”
Ans: I can judge myself properly, and find out about myself. If I am sure of the answers
to 1 and 2 above, then 3 & 4 are just a reflection of 1 & 2. (Other person is a reflection of
me)
Do we have Trust Today?
This is the most serious matter in all our interpersonal relationships-between
husband and wife, father and son, between friends-this basic lack of trust, at the level of
intention, is the basic issue. And we seem to be doing nothing to address this issue, to
resolve this issue.
To Summarize
Trust is thus called the foundation value or ‘ãdhãra mülya’. Our natural acceptance is
to live with a feeling of relatedness to all and this means that we have the assurance in us at
all times that each and every human being wants my happiness, just like we want the
happiness of other human beings. However, since we are not competent and similarly the
other is also not competent, we need to work towards improving our competence and help
the other improve theirs.
Respect (Sammãna)
Verify the following on the basis of your natural acceptance:
1. What is naturally acceptable to you-feeling of respect or disrespect for yourself?
2. What is naturally acceptable to you-feeling of respect or disrespect for the other?
You will find that each one of us has an acceptance for feeling of respect. Just as we
desire this, the other also expects the same. Every human being wants to respect and be
respected.
Respect means .Right Evaluation.
Respect means “Right Evaluation”, to be evaluated as I am. Usually however, we make
mistakes in our evaluation in the following three ways.
l Over Evaluation (adhi-mülyana) – To evaluate more than what it is.
v e.g if you are wrongly flattered you feel uncomfortable.
l Under Evaluation (ava-mülyana) – To evaluate less than what it is.
v e.g if you are condemned, you feel uncomfortable.
l Otherwise Evaluation (a-mülyana) – To evaluate otherwise than what it is.
v e.g if you are evaluated as something else , you feel uncomfortable.
Example of over evaluation: You are sitting at home and there are guests around. Your
father says ‘my son is the greatest scholar in India!’ Check for yourself: do you feel comfortable,
or do you feel uncomfortable?
Example of under evaluation: You are still at home, but this time your father says ‘My
son is a good for nothing. He must be the laziest person in all of India!’ You obviously feel
uncomfortable, you don’t find this acceptable.
Example of ‘otherwise’ evaluation: You are at home, and there are guests around, and
your father says, ‘You donkey! Can’t you even understand this much?’ You feel offended by
this This is evaluating you otherwise, as you are a human being and not something else.
Affection (Sneha)
Affection is the feeling of being related to the other.
Affection comes when I recognize that we both want to make each other happy and
both of us are similar. Then for the first time, I feel that I am related to the other that the
other is a relative of mine. This feeling is called affection.
“This feeling of acceptance of the other, as one’s relative is the feeling of affection or
sneha in relationship”
The basic crisis today is that of Trust and Respect.
Care (Mamatã)
The feeling of Care (mamatã) is the feeling to nurture and protect the body of our relative.
We understand a human being as a co-existence of the Self (‘I’) and the Body, and the
Body is an instrument of ‘I’. Based on this understanding, we take the responsibility of
nurturing and protecting the body of our relative.
Guidance (Vãtsalya)
The feeling of ensuring right understanding and feelings in the other (my relative) is called
Guidance or vãtsalya.
We understand the need of our Self (‘I’) for right understanding and feelings. We also
understand that the other is similar to me in his/her faculty of natural acceptance, desire of
wanting continuous happiness and the program of living in harmony at all the four levels.
The other is also similar to me in the potential of Desire, Thought and Expectation.
Reverence (Shraddhã)
The feeling of acceptance of excellence in the other is called reverence (shraddhã)
We understand that we aspire for continuous happiness and to realize it, we have to
understand harmony at all the levels of our living, and live accordingly. When we see that the
other has achieved this Excellence-which means to understand and to live in harmony at all
levels of living ensuring continuity of happiness, we have a feeling of reverence for him/her.
This feeling of accepting the excellence in the other is called reverence or shraddhã.
Glory (Gaurava)
Each one of us wants to live with continuous happiness and prosperity. Each one of us has
the similar faculty of natural acceptance, has the same goal and program and we have the
same potential to realize this.
Glory (gaurav) is the feeling for someone who has made efforts for Excellence.
Gratitude (Kritagyatã)
We understand that each one of us has the same goal of continuous happiness and prosperity.
Each one of us has to work towards increasing our competence to realize our intention and
in this process, we are helped and guided by others that have the right understanding.
When we understand this and begin to recognize the feeling in ourselves, we feel gratitude
in our relationship.
Gratitude is the feeling of acceptance for those who have made effort for my excellence.
Love (Prema)
The feeling of being related to all is love (or prema).
This feeling or value is also called the complete value (Pürn.
a mülya), since this is the
feeling of relatedness to all human beings.
It starts with identifying that one is related to the other human being (the feeling of
affection) and it slowly expands to the feeling of being related to all human beings.
Harmony from Family to World Family: Undivided Society
Undivided Society ( Akhandˆa Samãja)-feeling of being related to every human being.
By living in relationships in the family, we get the occasion to gain the assurance that
the other person is an aid to me and not a hindrance. The family is a laboratory of sorts, in
which we live our understanding and relationships. On getting assured, it becomes easy to see
that society is an extension of family and that it is possible to live in harmony with every
human being – thus laying the foundation for an undivided human race – from family
order to world family order.
Summary
In this chapter we have tried to focus attention on the harmony in the family, the harmony
in human-to-human relationships through a correct appraisal of values inherent in these
relationships. The main points are summarized below:
l Family is the basic unit of human interaction.
l Human beings live in relationships. We are related to other human beings.
l It
is essential to understand these human relationships we have, starting from the
people we live with in our family, to our friends and the people in society.
l The relationships exists between one self (‘I’) and the other self (‘I’).
l We in have feelings for other human beings (for other ‘I’s).
l This
relationship is already there, it does not have to be created. It only needs to be
understood and fulfilled accordingly.
l Thesefeelings can be recognized. Their recognition, fulfilment and evaluation leads
to mutual happiness.
l Thereare nine feelings (values) in human relationships. These are Trust, Respect,
Affection, Care, Guidance, Reverence, Glory, Gratitude and Love.
l Livingwith these feelings (values) is our innate need. Problems arise in relationships
as we are unable to ensure the continuity of these feelings.
l Trust (visvãsa) is called the basic or foundation value. Trust means the assurance that
at the level of intention, the other means well for me at all times, that the other wants
my happiness.
l There is a difference between a person’s intention and their competence to fulfil that
intention.
l We are all similar at the level of our intention, but differ in our competence to fulfil that
intention.
l Respect(sammãna) means right evaluation, that we correctly evaluate the other person:
without over-evaluating, under-evaluating or evaluating the person otherwise.
l Respectfor a human being is based on the evaluation on the basis of ‘I’ and it includes
acceptance of the other as being similar to me.
l When we do not understand respect, we tend to differentiate on the basis of body,
physical facilities or beliefs.
l Thefeeling of Care (mamatã) is the feeling of wanting to nurture and protect the
body of our relative.
l Thefeeling of ensuring right understanding and feelings in the other is called Guidance
(vãtsalya).
l The feeling of acceptance of excellence in the other is called reverence (shraddhã)
l Glory (gaurava) is the feelingfor someone that has made efforts for excellence, to have
the right understanding and feelings.
l The feeling of acceptance for those who have made effort for my excellence is the
feeling of gratitude ( kritagyatã ).
l The feeling of being related to all, to every unit in existence, the entire existence is the
feeling of love (prema). This feeling or value is also called the Pürn.
a mülya or complete value/feeling, since this is the feeling of relatedness to all humans.
l Thebasic values or expectations to be understood in relationship are trust and respect.
If we have these, then the remaining of the values flow quite naturally.
l Only care (mamatã) requires physical facilities. For other feelings, what we need
essentially is their proper understanding.
l When we understand relationship, we respond, otherwise we react.
By living in relationship at all times in the family, we get the assurance that the other
person is an aid to me and not a hindrance. The family is a laboratory of sorts, in which we
live our understanding. On getting assured, it becomes easy to see that society is an extension
of family and that it is possible to live in harmony with every human being, thus laying the
foundation for an undivided human race, from family order to world family order.