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The Odyssey: by Thespis and the
Peloponnesian Midwest Regional Third
Place Chorus
by Will Averill
(5)
Productions (18)
Comedy | 50 - 75 minutes
9 W, 3 M, 10 Any (20-60 actors possible: 9-60 W, 3-60
M)
Set: Minimal and flexible.
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25 of 38
(They turn, full mouths, green around their faces.)
SNEAKY PETE. w hat, bra? I wasn’t doing nothing.
ODYSSEUS. Then why is your mouth all green?
SNEAKY PETE. Uuuuuu...scurvy?
(SaIl OR JaN e and SaIl OR FRa N burst out laughing—too
loudly.)
ODYSSEUS. Back to the ship.
SNEAKY PETE. I’m not going back to the ship.
ODYSSEUS. I said, back to the ship.
SNEAKY PETE. I said, I’m not going back to the ship.
ODYSSEUS. SNeaKy Pe Te R, y OU Ge T Ba CK TO THe SHIP
RIGHT NOw .
SNEAKY PETE. HOw ’BOUT y OU GO Ba CK TO THe SHIP.
SAILOR JANE. w hoa, whoa, hostility.
SAILOR FRAN. Can’t we all just get along, man? Pass me some
more lotus.
ODYSSEUS. I see you’ve become addicted to these strange plants.
your life is your own, Sneaky Pete, and if that’s how you want to
play it, I won’t stop you. Don’t you remember, though, when you
wanted to sing?
SNEAKY PETE. No.
ODYSSEUS. It was only a few minutes ago.
SNEAKY PETE. w hatevs.
ODYSSEUS. you may be able to give up your dreams, Sneaky Pete,
but I can’t.w e’re leaving. w ith or without you.
PETEand SAILORS. w ithout, bra.
ODYSSEUS. (Retreating in horror:)
Not you too. [Link]. Too.
(ODy SSe US and non-lotus eatingSa Il ORS leave.)
SNEAKY PETE. That guy’s a bummer.
The Odyssey: by Thespis... 29
SAILOR JANE. l et’s go order pizza.
SAILOR FRAN. So totally!
(They leave, munching [Link] enters.)
ZEUS. a nd the moral of this story, kids, is eating leafy green plants
is the death of ambition. Or something like that.a nd it stains your
teeth. w hen you go from ordering pizza to being the pizza delivery
guy, you got issues. That’s all I’m saying.
(DIRe CTUS pops out.)
DIRECTUS. Keep going!
ZEUS. a nyway, they sailed for a while, happy and content.
(ODy SSe US and his [slightly reduced] crew sail in.)
It was never gonna last. Big Z out!
(He leaves.)
ENSIGN SMITH. Sir, there’s land ahead.
ODYSSEUS. Good work, Ensign Smith. You’ll be the first on my
away team.
ENSIGN SMITH. I’ve got a bad feeling about that.
ODYSSEUS. Nonsense, e nsign Smith.w ith a name like yours, what
could possibly go wrong.
ENSIGN SMITH. Gulp.
ODYSSEUS. Besides, I’ve developed a certain fondness for you. I
feel we’ve bonded in our short time together.
ENSIGN SMITH. Gulp Gulp.
ODYSSEUS. l et’s go.
CHORUS.
Upon an island thick with sheep they land,
Odysseus and his stalwart band,
But little did they know that their little resupply ops,
w ould be thwarted by a huge and angry Cyclops.
(ODy SSe US and Sa Il ORS on the island. There are plenty of
SHeeP around.)
ODYSSEUS. l ook at all those sheep!l et’s get us some veal!
ENSIGN SMITH. Sir, look—a huge cave, littered with bones. That
can’t be good.
30 w ill a verill
ODYSSEUS. Nonsense. It’s obviously just the bones of sheep that
couldn’t see the entrance of the cave, and kept banging their heads
against the wall until they knocked themselves out and died. It’s
that simple. Nothing to fear. Now everybody, grab some sheep!
(SaIl ORS grab theSHeeP; start to move them towards the boat.)
SHEEP #1. Baaa—stop that!
SHEEP #2. w atch the wool, buddy. That’s cashmere!
SHEEP #3. (British accent:)I say, how very dare you.
ENSIGN SMITH. Sheep sure are noisy, sir, it’s a good thing no one
is around to—
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