Chapter 7: Love & Intimacy

Chapter 7 Outline

• What is Love?
– Love in Other Times and Places
• The Forms and Measure of Love
– Romantic vs. Companionate Love
– The Colors of Love: John Alan Lee
– Love Triangles: Robert Sternberg
– Can We Measure Love?
 Chapter 7 Outline (Cont.)

• Theories: Where Does Love Come From?

– Behavioral Reinforcement Theories
– Cognitive Theories
– Physiological Arousal Theories
– Evolutionary Theories
– Biological Theories
 Chapter 7 Outline (Cont.)

• Love from Childhood to Maturity

– Childhood
– Adolescence
• Adult Love and Intimacy
– Attraction
– Attraction in Different Cultures
– Intimate Relationships
– Long-Term Love and Commitment
– Loss of Love
 Chapter 7 Outline (Cont.)

• Love, Sex, and How We Build Intimate

Relationships
– Love and Sex
– Developing Intimacy Skills
– The Dark Side of Love
 What is Love?

• Most of western history is filled with marriage

for economic reasons
• 19th century brought the idea that romantic
love was the most wanted form of a love
relationship
– Unrequited love – loving those one can not
have
 The Forms and Origin of Love

• Romantic love – passionate love that includes

sexual desire, physical attraction, and elation
– We tend to idealize our romantic partner
• Companionate love (conjugal love) – deep
affection, attachment, intimacy, trust, loyalty
• Colors of Love (Lee)
• Love Triangles (Sternberg)
• Can We Measure Love?
 Colors of Love (Lee, 1974, 1998)

• Based on research
• Six basic ways (“colors”) to love
• Love styles are independent
• Lovers with compatible love styles will be
happier with each other than incompatible
styles
 Colors of Love (Lee, 1974, 1998)
(Cont.)

• Manic and ludic – poorer psychological health

• Storge and eros – higher psychological health
• Men – more socially acceptable to have eros
or ludus styles; less to have agape; more
likely to have ludic style
• Women – more socially acceptable to have
agape; less to have ludus; more likely to have
pragmatic style
Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)

• Love is three elements that can be combined

to produce 7 different types of love
• Three basic elements:
– Passion – sexual desire and physical
attraction; part of romantic love
– Intimacy – connection and feelings of
closeness; an emotional investment
– Commitment – to love in the short term; to
maintain that love in the long term
Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)
(Cont.)

• Love changes as we mature

• Different forms of love may be experienced
within the same couple throughout time
 Can We Measure Love?

• Scales have been developed to measure love

– Measure something strongly associated
with love
• Attachment (Rubin, 1970, 1973)
– Measure aspects of relationships
• Relationship Rating Scale
• Passionate Love Scale
• Most scales measure romantic, not
companionate, love
 Theories: Where Does Love Come
From?

• Behavioral Reinforcement Theories

• Cognitive Theories
• Physiological Arousal Theories
• Evolutionary Theories
 Behavioral Reinforcement Theories

• We love because another person reinforces

positive feelings in ourselves
• Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of
another makes us like them, even if the
reward is unrelated to that person
• Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing
activities with a person
 Cognitive Theories

• A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as

love
• If we think someone likes us, we are more
prone to find them attractive
 Physiological Arousal Theories

• Physiological arousal is labeled with an

emotion, such as love
• We are more likely to experience love when
we are physiologically aroused for any reason
• Shaky bridge study (Dutton & Aron, 1974)
– Male participants on a “scary” bridge were
more likely than males on a “safe” bridge to
call a female they met on the bridge
• Arousal is not crucial for an emotional state
 Evolutionary Theories

• Humans have 3 basic instincts:

– Need for protection
– Parent protects the child
– Sexual drive
• We love in order to produce offspring
• Heterosexual men want healthy women to
carry offspring
• Heterosexual women want men with
resources to care for her and the offspring
 Love from Childhood to Maturity

• Love becomes more complex as we age

• Childhood
• Adolescence
• Adult
 Childhood

• Attachment to the caregiver can affect

attachment throughout life
• The love of mother and father are important
• May be harder to be intimate with another as
an adult if it was not experienced as a child
• Three attachment types:
– Secure – accepts caregiver leaving
– Anxious/ambivalent – panic if left alone
– Avoidant – caregiver forces parting early
 Childhood (Cont.)

• Parental divorce is related to lower levels of

trust a young adult (particularly female)
experiences in intimate relationships
 Adolescence

• Time to learn how to love, manage emotions

• Creates a foundation for adult relationships
• Role repertoire – varied ways to relate with
others
• Intimacy repertoire – collection of behaviors
used to create intimate relationships in life
• Usually begin with an unattainable crush;
romantic love more likely if parents’
relationship is stable, at ease with own body
 Adult Love and Intimacy

• Factors that increase attraction

– Proximity – people you know or see often
– Similarity – background, values, attitudes
– Physical Attraction – “matching hypothesis”
– Personality – openness, sociability, humor
– Economic Resources – especially in men
– Mutual Attraction and Love
• Ideal qualities are consistent across gender,
culture, and sexual orientation
 Attraction in Different Cultures

• Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989)

• Men valued “good looks” in their partner
• Women valued “good financial prospect” in
their partner
• Men preferred younger partners
• Women preferred older partners
 Intimate Relationships

• Self-disclosure is important
• Those who value intimacy tend to be more
trusting, concerned for others, disclose more,
have more positive thoughts about others,
are perceived as more likable, smile, laugh,
make more eye contact, and enjoy marriage
more
 Male and Female Styles of Intimacy

• Culturally transmitted gender roles may be

the largest factor in affecting style of intimacy
• Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy,
or maybe they just do it differently than
women, such as through behavior
• Gay men are more likely to believe in the
importance of sharing intimacy with a
romantic partner than heterosexual men
 Intimacy in Different Cultures

• Culture seems to be more influential than

gender in love and intimacy style
• Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures
• Strength of stereotypical gender roles affects
level of intimacy; the stronger the stereotype,
the less attached couples are
• Western countries rate love as highly
important, less developed Asian countries
rated love the lowest
 Long-Term Love and Commitment

• Effort and commitment are required to

maintain a relationship
• Women feel lonely in a marriage that has less
liking, marital satisfaction, self-disclosure, and
love
• Men feel lonely in a marriage that has less
intimacy, liking, and communication
 Loss of Love

• A time of mourning
• Sadness, depression, anger
• Vulnerable to enter another relationship
• Vulnerable to lowered self-esteem, self-
blame, distrust others
• To decrease the pain: be good to yourself,
find new activities, call family and friends
 Love and Sex

• Sexual intercourse can express affection,

intimacy, and love
• Before engaging in a sexual relationship,
think about the following:
– Your values
– Honesty about yourself
– Honesty with your partner
 Love and Sex (Cont.)

• Initial attraction increases intimacy: more eye

contact, more touches
• Body language reveals attraction, and the
female typically starts
• Initially it is contact and conversation with
bodies turned toward each other, followed by
tentative touches that increase in duration
and intimacy, then “full body synchronization”
• Higher sexual desire, less unfaithful thoughts
 Developing Intimacy Skills

• Self-love – being at ease with ourselves, both

the positive and negative qualities
• Receptivity – shows others we are open to
communication, approachable
• Listening – provide full attention
• Affection – warmth and security with others
• Trust – a requirement that develops slowly
• Respect – acknowledge and understand
another’s needs; don’t have to share them
 The Dark Side of Love

• Jealousy
• Compulsiveness
• Possessiveness
 Jealousy

• Interpretation and emotional reaction that a

relationship is threatened
• Most jealous if the person we believe is
threatening the relationship has qualities we
want ourselves
• More common with low self-esteem
 Jealousy (Cont.)

• Men more jealous of a female’s sexual

infidelity
• Women more jealous of a male’s emotional
infidelity
• Both genders more threatened by sexual
infidelity in short-term relationships
• Both genders more threatened by emotional
infidelity in long-term relationships
 Jealousy (Cont.)

• Male heterosexuals more jealous of male-

female sexual infidelity
• Heterosexual women more jealous of male-
male sexual infidelity
• Much unknown about homosexual infidelity
• Jealousy is in all cultures, although the
reasons may vary
• Jealousy shows a lack of trust & self-esteem
 Compulsiveness

• Love releases phenylethylamine (also in

chocolate), which produces feelings of
euphoria and love addiction
• Society and media reinforces the “need” to be
in love and may be carried over from
adolescence without maturing
 Possessiveness

• Trying to manipulate the partner in attempts

to feel worthy
• Is a sign of low self-esteem and can lead to
stalking
• May require help from a mental health
professional