Kevin Hart | Transcripts

The Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor

(2024) | Transcript

The comedy world gathers to celebrate, and roast, Kevin Hart, as

he accepts the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

The Prize, which is named to honor one of the world’s greatest humorists

was awarded to Kevin Hart at a gala performance featuring some of the

biggest names in comedy at the Kennedy Center on March 24, 2024.

Cast: Kevin Hart, Jerry Seinfeld, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Tiffany

Haddish, J.B. Smoove, Nick Cannon, Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Fallon,

Regina Hall, Dave Burd

***

[jazz band playing Peggy Lee’s “Fever”]

All right, Kevin, let’s do this.

[audience whooping, cheering]

[Kevin Hart] These relationships are genuine.

I’m very fortunate and lucky to have the ones that I have.

[man] Money shot.

[Kevin] And to have them show up on a night like tonight is monumental.

[camera shutter clicking]

[music continues playing]

♪ Never knew how much they loved you ♪

♪ Never knew how much they cared ♪

♪ When you hit them with your talent ♪

♪ They get a fever That’s so hard to bear ♪

♪ You give them fever ♪

♪ When you’re joking ♪

♪ Fever when you hold that mic ♪

♪ Fever at the Garden ♪

♪ Fire burning through the night ♪

♪ You give them fever ♪

♪ When they’re laughing ♪

♪ Fever while you live and learn ♪

♪ Fever when you sizzle ♪

♪ What a lovely way to burn ♪

♪ What a lovely way to burn ♪

♪ What a lovely way ♪

♪ To burn ♪

[cheering and applause]

Good shit, Robin. Good shit.

[upbeat music playing]

Oh, yeah!
It’s time to get hot in here.

Y’all ready to get the party started?

With my boy Nelly!

[audience cheering]

[“Hot In Here” playing]

♪ And a little bit of… Yo ♪

♪ Want a little bit ♪

♪ And a little bit Come on, come on ♪

♪ Good gracious Ass is bodacious ♪

♪ Flirtatious, trying to show faces Waiting for the right time ♪

♪ You know Waiting for the right time ♪

♪ Flash them keys at her ♪

♪ I’m leaving Please believe it ♪

♪ Me and the rest of my heathens ♪

♪ Got it locked At the top of the Four Seasons ♪

♪ Penthouse, roof top, birds I feeding ♪

♪ No deceiving Nothing up my sleeve ♪

♪ No teasing ♪

♪ I need you To get up on the dance floor ♪

♪ Give that man what he asking for ♪

♪ ‘Cause I feel like busting loose And I feel like touching you ♪

♪ Hey, hey And can’t nobody stop the juice ♪

♪ So, baby, tell me what’s the use ♪

♪ I said it’s getting hot in here ♪

♪ So hot ♪

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

Can’t hear you.

♪ I am getting so hot ♪

♪ I wanna take my clothes off ♪

♪ It’s getting hot in here So take off all your clothes ♪

Ladies.

♪ I am getting so hot ♪

♪ I wanna take my clothes off ♪

♪ Yo With a little bit of… ♪

♪ With a little bit of… ♪

♪ Give a little bit of… With a little bit of… ♪

♪ With a little bit of… And a sprinkle of the… ♪

♪ Get this fired up I like it when you… ♪

♪ Little baby… ♪

♪ Oh ♪

And now… please welcome the recipient

of the 25th Mark Twain Prize for American Humor,

my boy Kevin Hart.

Kevin Hart.
[“Hot In Here” instrumental continues]

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

[exclaims]

How you doing, kid?

You know I love you.

[presenter] He made a movie about Pop-Tarts for some reason.

Please welcome Jerry Seinfeld.

Thank you.

One of the most important things in show business is doing favors.

[laughter]
What you’re looking at right now… is me doing a favor for Kevin Hart.

[laughter]

It’s not that big a favor.

It’s not a nothing favor either.

I wasn’t on my way here anyway.

I was home, comfortable, and now I’m here.

In a suit.

Do you think I’m doing this because I owe Kevin Hart a favor?

Or maybe I like the idea of Kevin Hart owing me a favor.

[laughter]

I’m not gonna tell you.

I can’t think of much Kevin Hart could do for me. Can you?

[laughter]

I don’t wanna be in Jumanji.

[laughter and applause]

If you look at Kevin Hart’s career,

it doesn’t look like it was that hard to do.

[laughter]

All you gotta do is be Kevin Hart and everything just falls into place after

that.

How did he get that perfect name? Is that his real name?

It’s unbelievable. The fit of that guy with that name, it’s crazy.
First name’s Kevin. Every Kevin is always a great guy. And then Hart.

He’s the most likable human in world history and his last name is Hart?

Come on. It’s insane.

If he wanted to change his name for show business, he’d have to make it

“Kevin Irresistible.”

I personally just absolutely love him.

I love everything he does. It’s funny…

Yes.

[cheering and applause]

Or there’s action, or he’s exercising.

It doesn’t matter, because whatever it is, he’s in it.

That’s the best part.

You see the name Kevin Hart, and there he is, right in that thing, and you go,

“Yeah, I wanna watch that.”

People go, “What are you watching?”

You go, “I don’t know, but Kevin Hart is in it.”

And that person sits down next to you and goes, “Okay, I wanna watch it

too.”

A few months ago, I saw Kevin speak to a huge roomful of crazy zillionaire

super-businessmen at the JP Morgan Conference in Miami.

They just wanted to hear him talk about his business, and they’re already

billionaires, and they still wanted to find out, “How the hell are you doing

this?”

I was there in the room. I wanted to know.

How the hell is he doing this?

[laughter]

I don’t remember anything he said.

[laughter]

He’s Kevin Hart. That’s how he does it.

But Kevin was wearing this perfect, gorgeous dark suit, and no socks.

This is the Chuck Yeager altitude and velocity he has reached.

His socks are just gone.

[laughter]

I don’t know where they were.

Maybe he put the socks on in the morning,

but because his schedule is so packed, they couldn’t stay on his feet.

It was too much. They just flew off.

I don’t know, but, my God.

Who doesn’t need socks?

[laughter]

I’ll tell you who. Kevin Hart.

Or maybe, since he’s got everything a human being could want or need,

he’s getting rid of stuff everyone else needs

just to show his superiority in that too.

I don’t know.

What I know is I’m excited to be here tonight,

doing a favor for this amazing man.

What else could I do for Kevin Hart?

What would Kevin Hart want to do that he has not already done?

The triumph of tonight

is we at least found something Kevin doesn’t already have.

The Mark Twain Prize.

Yes.

[cheering and applause]

That’s what’s exciting about what’s going to happen tonight.

It feels like we’re finishing

a giant 1,000-piece Kevin Hart jigsaw puzzle.

He did 999 pieces,

and tonight we will all push in the last one,

and get to say “We did it. We finished Kevin Hart.”

1,000 pieces in a box, tonight, a beautiful portrait.

Congratulations, Kevin.

Thank you. I love you, Jerry.

[applause]

I love you. Thank you.

Jerry Seinfeld. Wow.

[imperceptible]

That’s a flex.
The fact that you and Jerry are here, that’s a flex.

Jerry Seinfeld.

The fact that I’m here is a goddamn miracle.

[all laugh]

[J.B. Smoove] You know what? I think what it is is we all show up for each

other.

J.B. looks like the manager that’s robbing us.

[all laughing]

[J.B. Smoove] And comics are a unique breed of entertainer.

We’re artists, but we also are the same as anyone else.

We show up based on our relationships with each other.

That’s the life of a comic.

So when people show up for you, they show up for you for a reason.

[Jimmy Fallon] This is a big deal. From the Comic Strip…

Come on, man. Look at you.

…to winning the… Look at you.

Give me a dollar.

The last time we all gathered like this, it was a funeral,

so I’m glad that everybody’s alive this time.

I don’t like going to funerals. It’s not my thing.

Although it is the perfect place to get, you know,

hooked up with a little congalingus.

[presenter] She’s the reason I won’t let my wife go on a girls’ trip.

Tiffany Haddish.

[cheering and applause]

What can I say about Kevin that the Internet hasn’t already said?

He’s a great father, he’s comedically gifted, he’s handsome.

All true, but boring.

All of you think you know Kevin because you follow him on IG,

or because of his movies.

But no one knows Kevin like I do.

I’m his comedic sister.

I get the hand-me-downs from all his specials.

This jacket right here?

[laughter]

This is from Kevin, okay? This is a hand-me-down.

Had to put some shoulder pads in it, femme it up. I femmed it up.

But I have the real tea, okay?

And I am 99.9% sure

that Kevin is really a leprechaun.

[laughter]

Okay? That’s a leprechaun right there. You heard me.

He’s a whimsical, mysterious trickster.

And that’s why he’s a leprechaun,

not because of his height, you low-hanging-fruit motherfuckers.

Kevin is magical. He knows stuff that he shouldn’t know.

He tells me all types of stuff, okay, about my relationships that’s private.

Private stuff.

This one time, okay? I had just started dating this guy.

I hadn’t told anybody.

And Kevin jumps out of the bushes, out of nowhere,

and he goes, “This dude is trash. You can do better.”

Then he clicked his heels and he ran off in his Nikes,

and I swear they had buckles on them. I don’t know how he got Jordan to do

it,
but he got Jordan to put buckles on his Nikes.

[laughter]

Then he opened a vegan restaurant.

And I don’t know how he did it.

I don’t know how he did it,

but he made grass taste like chicken.

Have you tried it? It is magically delicious.

And make it… Bah!

It’s so good.

Kevin is mischievous too.

He would tease me all the time when I was a young comic. Ugh!
He knows how hard it is to make it as a stand-up.

And so when he finally started getting money,

he would dangle it, literally, in our faces.

He would hold money just over… Like, in our faces.

Remember when you did this to me, Kevin? Remember when you used to

do that?

He’d be like, “If you can catch it, you can have it.”

[laughter]

“If you can catch it, you can have it.”

First it started out with $1. Then it went to $20, then $50.

Then one time he pulled out a $1,000 bill,

and he would drop it like this, and I’d be like…

Do you know how mad I was when he pulled a $1,000 bill out,

and I’m sleeping in my damn car?

I’m still mad. I’m sorry.

I gotta get over it.

‘Cause he had all that money in his pocket like it was Werther’s Originals.

[scattered laughter]

I knew y’all would get that ’cause y’all white.

[laughter]

I was gonna say church lady peppermints, but I knew they wouldn’t

understand that.
The biggest reason I think he’s a leprechaun

is because if you capture a leprechaun, it brings you luck.

And, Kevin…

since you’ve been in my life, I have had nothing but good fortune.

Except for the last three years. Where the hell you been?

[Kevin] Okay. All right.

Where the hell you been, man?

All right.

I need some help.

[laughter]

When Kevin started producing, I told him that my wish was to be in a movie,
and Kevin granted it by putting me in Night School.

He has always pushed me…

Yeah. Yes.

[applause]

He has always pushed me to be better, and to never give up.

And it’s because of Kevin that I trusted myself

to follow my rainbow.

And at the end of it was a pot of gold

and 40 hours of community service.

[laughter]

And this is two hours of it, right now. I’m getting two hours off now.
[laughs] I love you, Kevin. You deserve all the success.

You do, and especially this prize tonight.

You are one legendary leprechaun, and I love you to death.

I love you more, Tiff.

Love you back, Tiffany.

[cheering and applause]

A few months ago…

Yeah.

…you had some incident where you ended up in a wheelchair.

Yeah.

Yeah.
And what happened? What accident happened?

I broke my dick.

[studio audience laughs]

I have never heard someone be as open and transparent as you are.

The world of dialogue, communication,

and just openness is what I think I’ve gotten better at.

I’m not a joke teller, I’m a storyteller.

I’m an open book. I tell stories…

[Cameron Diaz] Yeah.

…about me, who I am and what I go through.

It’s very brave.

It’s gonna make me or break me.

This is a true story.

This is not BS. I’m being 1,000% honest right now.

Here’s what happened.

We go to Mexico. We’re on a plane.

While on the plane, my friends love to bring weed, to fly with it.

Go right ahead. Bring all the fucking weed you want.

It’s all fun and games until it’s not.

Them little Mexican dogs get active, and start sniffing your bags.

I don’t want to see you looking up like you don’t know what they smell,

’cause guess what I’m gonna do.

I’m gonna solve the case. That’s what I’m gonna do.

Keith Robinson, he’s the one that told me, “Be honest.”

Go on stage and really talk about my life.

My mom gave me permission to cuss one time.

I’m in school, I’m being bad, my teacher got mad.

Stapled a note to my chest. Said, “Make sure your mother read the note.”

I get home, my mom read the note.

The note said, “Maybe if you showed your son

some more attention at home, he wouldn’t act like a fool in school.”

Right? My mom read the note, said, “Let me tell you something.

“You tell her mind her damn business

before I come down there and I beat her ass.”

I thought, “Okay, do you want me to say it like that,

or do you want me to take some stuff out?”

I wanna say congratulations, ’cause, coming up,

you’re about to be the recipient of the Mark Twain Prize in Comedy.

Yes.

[audience cheering]

Which is a giant honor.

I can’t wait. I’m excited.

As a matter of fact, Jimmy, you’re invited. You got a seat.

I need you there. Yeah.

I’ll be there.

Yup.

I’d love to go. I’d be honored to go.

Yeah.

You have to.

I have stories.

I’ve known you for a long time.

No, I don’t want you to talk.

I want you to come.

Oh.

[“Back in Black” intro music playing]

[presenter] And now here to not talk, Jimmy Fallon.

[cheering and applause]

[music fades]

[mellow music playing]

♪ We all love this little man ♪

[laughter]

♪ He fits in the palm of your hand ♪

♪ Big things come in small packages ♪

♪ I think you understand ♪

♪ We all love this famous Kevin ♪

♪ Even though he’s 2’11” ♪

♪ He’s the boss in any room ♪

♪ But from behind He looks like he’s seven ♪

[laughter]

♪ You can’t stop this funny fella ♪

♪ Every movie’s a best-seller ♪

♪ He can weather any storm ♪

♪ He’ll just grab a cocktail umbrella ♪

[laughter]

♪ Yeah, we gotta give him cred ♪

♪ He’s great at earning bread ♪

♪ And then after a long day of work ♪

♪ He takes doggy stairs to bed… ♪

[laughter]

Hey, no. Come on, Jimmy. Come on, Jimmy.

♪ He’s got a certain flair ♪

♪ Buys his clothes at Build-a-Bear… ♪

[laughter]

What the fuck, Jimmy?

♪ He’s so humble and down to earth ♪

♪ But his feet don’t touch the ground In a chair ♪

[laughter]

♪ We’re so glad that he was born ♪

♪ Makes a full meal out of baby corn ♪

[laughter]

♪ He arrived tonight with The Rock ♪

♪ Who carried him in a Baby Björn ♪

Goddamn it, Jimmy.

[laughter]

Come on, Jimmy.

♪ So much talent How’s it legal? ♪

♪ Entertains millions of people ♪

♪ We would be so heartbroke ♪

♪ If he got carried away by an eagle ♪

Okay, all right.

[laughter]

That’s enough, Jimmy. That’s enough.

Let me finish.

[laughter]

♪ Kevin, you’re hilarious and smart ♪

♪ We loved you from the start ♪

♪ You might be small But everybody knows ♪

♪ That you’ve got the biggest penis ♪

No, Jimmy, no.

[laughter]
Congratulations, Kevin. You deserve it, brother.

[cheering and applause]

[Nick Cannon] To see him reach the levels that he has…

I mean, it’s one award, one prize, one accolade after another,

because he’s reaching levels that no other entertainer has reached before.

I remember when we used to sit and talk about what we wanted with our

careers,

and he’s surpassed everything that he’s ever dreamed of.

And now, please help me in welcoming the next speaker.

He made over a billion dollars at the box office,

he’s been in some of your favorite projects,

SNL, Trading Places,

Beverly Hills Cop, Nutty Professor,

Coming to America,

he was nominated for a freaking Oscar in Dreamgirls.

This is a total surprise to Kevin.

Get out your motherfucking seats

for the G-O-A-motherfucking-T,

Eddie Murphy!

[cheering and applause]

[instrumental version of “Crazy Frog” playing]

[Nick] No, no.

No, shut up. Stop.

Eddie Murphy ain’t coming to see your little ass.

[laughter]

Sit your asses down.

I’m sorry.

Got you, bitch.

[all laughing]

I’m sorry. This is personal. I didn’t mean to interrupt the show.

But Kevin Hart came to The Masked Singer last week

and fucked up my show, so now I’m fucking up your show.

[laughter]
Payback. If y’all don’t know, this is my best frenemy right there.

We’ve been having this prank war going on for years.

I sent a llama to his house for his birthday.

In exchange, he put my cell phone number

on every billboard in America, saying…

[laughter]

“For any fatherly advice, call my best friend Nick Cannon.”

My shit’s still ringing.

It’s a good prank.

But this is checkmate, Kevin.

I mean, I’m good. This was hilarious, right? Shit.

They need to be giving me this goddamn award, not you.

But, anyway, Eddie Murphy is not coming.

He’s filming in Atlanta, and he definitely sends his regards.

He loves you like we all do.

So, you know, since Eddie couldn’t be here,

we asked someone just as special to come out,

so please welcome, from Black Panther,

Black Panther 2: Wakanda Forever,

What’s Love Got to Do with It? and Waiting to Exhale,

Angela Bassett!

[cheering and applause]

[laughter]

You fell for that shit too? You don’t even know Angela Bassett, nigga.

Fuck you, man.

[laughter]

I do. I did a movie with her.

Fuck you, Nick.

You gonna be waiting to exhale for her to come out here, nigga.

[laughter]

Sorry. I promise, last one. That’s it. I’m done.

I promise, seriousness now.

All right, y’all know this is really someone I love, true and dearly.
We started in this game together, man,

fronting comedy clubs, making fun of each other.

Freestyle rapping, cracking jokes.

And that’s why I created a little show

to help pay his rent called Wildin’ Out early on.

So that’s, you know…

[cheering]

You did.

But we still rocking to this day.

I love you so much. I love your entire family.

Congratulations, man. You are truly a comedic force.

But don’t worry. You ain’t gotta… Sit your little ass down.

I got a real surprise for you.

Don’t take my word for how amazing this little man is.

Please join me in welcoming to the stage

a comedic legend who needs no introduction.

This brother is truly an icon,

breaking comedy records in specials,

starring all over the world in movies.

I love him, you love him.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Chris Rock.

[cheering and applause]

No, for real, he here.

I’m not lying. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the legendary Chris Rock.

[upbeat rock music playing]

Wow. Thank you.

That is the funniest I’ve ever seen Nick Cannon.

[laughter]

Wow.

We’re here for Kevin Hart.

Here, the Mark Twain Award, Kevin…

A man of extraordinary talents. Look at him. Look at that smile.

Got that second wife happiness. [laughs]

[laughter]

Ain’t nothing like that second wife happiness.

[chuckles] It’s like, “We didn’t struggle at all.”

[laughter]

Yes. Kevin has made amazing movies.

My favorite movie of Kevin’s is The Upside.

You ever see The Upside?

[scattered applause]

With Kevin and Bryan Cranston.

Kevin’s his helper.

You gotta see it. It’s the best acting Kevin Hart has ever done.
‘Cause in the movie he had to act like he had less money than Bryan

Cranston.

[laughter]

It’s unbelievable. He’s like, “Wow. This is a nice house, mister.”

[laughter]

“I never seen a Ferrari before.”

[laughter]

[laughs]

It’s a regular Denzel over there.

Now…

No, seriously. I met Kevin on the set of the movie Death at a Funeral.
Yes, sir. Death at a Funeral, I met Kevin.

I had seen him…

You had a special on Showtime.

And it was a bunch of young comedians and Kevin.

And I think we had, like, a lunch break or something,

and Kevin came up to me and asked for advice.

And I’d seen him and… I don’t know. I gave him some advice, and it’s weird.

He’s the only guy…

Kevin Hart and Aziz Ansari, only guys that ever listened to me.

[chuckles] And he literally did exactly what the fuck I told him.

I looked at him. I said, “Yo, man, you’re really funny.”

“But your problem is you’re competing with these other comedians.”

“They are not your peers. You’re better than all of them.”

“But you need to get out of their circle and develop your own voice.”

That’s what I told him, right? [chuckles]

[applause]

True story.

I swear to God, within 800 days…

Kevin Hart was a bigger star than me.

[laughter]

Within 800 days, he was taking parts from me.

He’s in a movie with The Rock.

My last name’s Rock.

[laughter]

How the fuck he get the fucking part?

From now on, when I see young comedians, they ask me for advice,

I just say, “Shut the fuck up.”

[laughter]

Well, I love Kevin Hart.

I’m glad I’m here tonight.

Enjoy your new wife and kids, bastard.

[laughter]

Y’all take care. Thank you.

[cheering and applause]

Listen, I’m gonna be up here for a while.

I’mma talk about a lot of shit while I’m up here.

Some of the shit I say tonight is gonna be mean.

Let it happen. Unclench your ass.

Have a good time. That’s why you’re here.

[upbeat hip-hop song playing]

My dad never wore drawers ever.

This is my dad getting to his seat. This is all I saw. “Excuse me.”

[laughter]

You’re gonna learn what a long dick looks like today.

Say it with your chest.

Bop, bop! [mimics air horn]

Really?

[hip-hop music continues]

I have amazing friends, man.

I truly believe that I would not be where I am today

if it were not for my support group.

My friends have a lot to do with my level of success.

Over the summer, I took them to Japan.

This shit was incredible. The reason why I was blown away is because…

I was the tallest person in the park. This is a true story.

They were calling me Godzilla. There were like, “Godzilla.”

I was giving advice I’ve never given, telling people to drink milk,

eat their vegetables, shit I’ve never said.

This is a moment. You hear me?

[audience cheering]

It’s a moment.

When you look around this room tonight, what I love the most

is that I see every race, ethnicity, nationality possible.

If you can laugh together, you can live together.

If you can live together, you can love together.

In my city, I made fucking history, goddamn it.

I’m in the record books. You hear me?

[cheering and applause]

[presenter] We know her and love her.

And to be honest, she scares the shit out of me.

Chelsea Handler.

[cheering and applause]

It is such an honor to be here tonight

to pay tribute to America’s favorite comedy dynamo.

I am so glad that Kevin came into my life,

not only because he is an incredibly talented and generous person,

but also because I always wanted to know what it would look like
if 50 Cent and I had a baby.

[laughter]

Okay. All right, Chelsea.

Come on, Chelsea.

Don’t start your shit.

Kevin and I first met on my very first talk show.

It was called Chelsea Lately, and it was clear from the moment we met

that he was destined for superstardom.

Especially when he told me he was destined for superstardom.

And I admired his pluck,

and I’ve continued to admire Kevin’s pluck,

as well as his drive and determination,

and the unrelenting hard work that brought him here tonight,

to a place where the talk show host he told he was destined for superstardom

is now presenting him with a lifetime achievement award.

[applause]

Since everyone here in DC is talking about the border crisis,

I thought I’d talk about a border crisis of my own, and it involves Kevin.

[laughter]

During COVID, I was desperate to get to Canada,

and it was for a very important reason.

I needed to ski.
Chelsea…

And Canada… Shut up, Kevin.

Canada had very strict rules at the time. It was almost impossible to get in.

But when I looked on Instagram,

I noticed that Kevin was filming a movie up in Canada.

And he was going back and forth from Canada to America all the time.

One day, he was in America for Thanksgiving,

and the next day he’d be back in Canada.

And this was when there was a mandatory two-week quarantine.

[Kevin] That’s enough.

[laughter]
So I called Kevin and I told him, “I don’t know what your secret is,

but I need your help getting across the border.”

And here’s how great Kevin is.

He said, “No problem, Chelsea. I got you.”

“I’ll just get you a gig on my movie.”

I said, “Great. Behind the camera, in front.”

“I don’t care. I’ll direct it if I have to.”

He said he’d even help me fill out the paperwork.

I was so excited.

He said, “I got you, Chelsea. I got you. I got you.”

And that’s when I learned that if you ask Kevin for a favor,
you can always count on hearing these three words.

“I got you.”

And then you can count on never hearing from him again.

That’s ridiculous.

[laughter]

So that’s the kind of man we’re honoring here tonight.

[laughter]

The kind of man who would deny a rich white lady

a ski vacation during a global pandemic.

[laughter]

But we’re here to honor Kevin, so I should probably tell one nice story.
I was shooting a documentary for Netflix, and I wanted Kevin to be part of

it.

So I reached out to his team. Guess what they said?

Nothing. Nobody responded.

[laughter]

So, the day before the shoot,

I texted Kevin directly, and I told him the situation

and that his team wasn’t getting back to us.

And he said, “Chelsea, I got you.”

[laughter]

But guess what. This time he did get me.

He showed up the next day at 9:00 a.m. on his little scooter

that he drove himself with no entourage, no nothing.

And like always, he delivered.

[applause]

That’s right.

And I love to give him a lot of shit, as we all do,

but he really does show up when it matters.

Which is why all of these amazing and talented people showed up tonight.

And also because he is one giant-hearted, hilariously-funny,

fun-loving, hardworking little motherfucker.

[laughter]
And I got you, Kevin.

So, congratulations.

I love you, Chelsea.

[cheering and applause]

[whooping]

[imperceptible]

Nice to see you.

Good job, buddy.

[presenter] Up next, the man who survived two strokes

just so he could be here tonight.

The hilarious Keith Robinson.

[applause]

[upbeat music playing]

All right. Damn.

Oh… [chuckles]

Shit. They told me I had four minutes.

[laughter]

And it took me three and a half to get down here.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Kev, I love you. Good night. [laughs]

[laughter]
Fucking damn… Damn Chris Rock.

Calls me Strokey Robinson.

[laughter]

He’s an asshole, man.

[laughter]

[Keith laughs]

[Kevin laughs]

I met Kev…

Like, I met him around ’98, ’99, at the Laff House.

I met two guys, actually.

Big Jay Oakerson, and little dummy, the bastard.

[laughter]

Kevin Hart. You know what I mean?

And I decided to take these guys to New York in my ’85 Buick.

But those assholes tried to play brand-new music in my old-ass car.

[scattered laughter]

[chuckles]

They put Jadakiss in, Jay-Z. Fat Joe.

I plopped it out of my CD, threw it right out the fucking window.

[laughter]

And I made them listen to Mahalia Jackson.

[laughter]
I’m looking in my rearview, and they’re, like, disgusted.

Like, “What the fuck?” [chuckles]

[laughter]

But as we went along, man, Kev, little dummy,

he made a tape. I told him, “Get a tape.” He sent down his tape.

And he got some manager prospects.

He got two of them so far.

And I said, “Look, don’t you sign with nobody.”

“Don’t do it. I’ll tell you who to sign with.”

And finally he came to me with Dave Becky.

Well, I told Kev, “That’s the guy. Sign with him.”

“But you have to break up with the other two managers.”

So Kev called one of the managers and he said, “Hey…”

Kev is real good at bullshitting, right?

[laughter]

He said, “I mean, thank you for all you’ve done. You know…”

[laughter]

“Everything was good.”

“But, you know, I’m gonna go with Dave Becky.”

The first one, like, “Okay. God bless you. Have a good time.”

All right. He called the second one.

Same bullshit. You know, “You were very good.”

And the woman’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck you talking

about?”

[laughter]

And Kev said, “No, I’m gonna go with Dave Becky.”

Swear to God, she’s saying, “You little Black midget motherfucker.”

[laughter]

“You midget motherfucker.”

“I’m gonna put my foot in your ass.” [laughs]

[laughter]

“Don’t let me see you.” I’m like, “Oh, shit.”

And I swear to God, like, two weeks later, Kev called me

and told me he was moving to LA.

I’m like, “What the fuck? She scared you that much?”

[laughter]

Dealing with Kev… I love him to death. He’s my family now.

I remember when I had my stroke, right?

I was in the hospital, right during COVID.

And all of a sudden, they took me to the COVID holding center.

Like, they put me there

and were like, “We’re gonna put you in the COVID section.”

I’m like, “Oh, shit.”

My kid’s mom called me, and I said, “Look, call Kevin.”

She said, “What?” I said, “Call Kevin.”

And I said, “Kev, they gonna put me in the COVID section.”

And Kev bullshitting… “What? That’s bullshit.”

[Kevin laughing loudly]

[laughter]

I’m like, “Yeah, they gonna put me there, man.”

He said, “Let me make a call.”

I’m like, “Yeah, now they got action.”

[laughter]

He said, “I’ll call you back in ten minutes.”

I’m like, “Goddamn right.”

[laughter]

And then when he hung up the phone, I’m like, “Wait a minute.”

“Who the fuck is he… [chuckles] Who’s he gonna call?”

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Dr. Fauci? What the fuck?

[laughter]

[laughing]

And when I finally got out of that bullshit, I’m like,

“You Black midget motherfucker.”

[laughter]
[cheering and applause]

[Kevin] Yes. Oh!

Oh, my God.

[Keith chuckling]

I’m still mad, by the way.

[laughter]

Oh, shit.

[laughter]

My cane just fell.

I need help.

[laughter]
I need help, goddamn it.

[laughter]

My man.

There you go, man.

There you go.

Adam Blackstone, man. How about it?

[laughter]

Adam… Oh!

[cheering and applause]

[laughter]

Hey, Adam, give him his cane.

[laughter]

I’m sorry, man. You know, that was wrong. That was wrong.

[laughter]

Kevin, I love you, man. This is a good thing for you.

I love you to death. This is very special, man.

I really do. Your family watching you all sitting there.

Your son, your daughter, your son, your daughter… [chuckles]

[laughter]

No more, man. No more kids.

[laughter]

All right, love you, man. Peace out. Take care.

[cheering and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

[presenter] I can’t believe we have two people

from the cast of Pootie Tang here tonight.

Let’s hear it for the hilarious J.B. Smoove.

[cheering and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

[whoops]

[J.B. Smoove] All right.

Kevin Hart, man. Look at you, baby.

How you doing?

I’m doing great, man.

Not as great as you, but you’re doing… You’re amazing, man.

Kevin and I go way back, man. I’m a little older than Kevin.

But I can remember Kevin always being at the Laugh House in Philadelphia,

man.

I would see this kid at the club with these little beady eyes.

I’d be like, “Man, if someone doesn’t come over here

and get their damn child out of this club… They sell alcohol in here.”

“Who brings an adolescent to a damn comedy club?”

But it wasn’t an adolescent at all.

[laughter]
It was Kevin.

Back then he was damn near living at that club, sitting in the back,

taking notes, soaking it all in,

pestering anyone who would want to speak to his ass.

I remember how we would sit and talk about comedy

before I got up to do my set, and I also remember how,

after I would leave the club headed back to New York City,

I wouldn’t even make it over the Ben Franklin Bridge

before I would get a page causing me to pull over

and find a damn pay phone and call my answering service

just so the operator could relay the message

that Kevin was on stage stealing my shit again.

Okay. All right. That’s…

I ain’t lying.

[laughter]

I said, “Thank you, operator Jenny, for the information.”

[laughter]

It’s been so long ago,

I don’t actually remember all the bits that Kevin borrowed.

The point is that he borrowed jokes.

But see, jokes don’t don’t make an act.

I like to think of comedians as chefs.

Some make gourmet meals and some make fast food.

But whatever they make, it’s their recipe.

And figuring out the right ingredients takes time.

Kevin had to figure out all the right ingredients.

Over the years, I’ve watched Kevin go from being a short short-order cook,

burning curly fries…

[laughter]

to an even shorter Michelin-Star chef.

I’ve watched him go from sitting in the back of the small clubs in Philly

to standing on stage at arenas around the damn world.

And how did he do it, you ask? It was simple.

By just being himself.

And maybe a little bit of me.

Maybe a little bit of me, but mostly by being his damn self.

I remember on his last tour, Kevin invited my wife, Shahidah,

to go see him at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York.

Of course, that man killed. That man destroyed that crowd.

I was like, “This is my city. And you come up here and do this?”

I said, “Man, that boy bad as hell, man.”

But after the show, I was backstage.

Kevin came over and thanked me for coming to the show.

And that it meant so much for me to come in my own city to see him

perform.

The man started crying. I couldn’t believe it.

That’s the Kevin people don’t know. He’s very emotional.

He started crying right there. You should’ve saw those damn tears.

This man started crying chocolate milk. Like, it was dark.

[laughter]

I’ve never seen tears that dark in my life.

It had the consistency of a smoothie.

Thick-ass tears, like he was crying Ovaltine.

I don’t know what was going on with this dude.

I know folks make short jokes about Kevin, and rightfully so.

[laughter]

But the truth is, Kevin is a giant. A miniature damn giant.

[laughter]

I’m gonna thank you, man, for letting me, you know,

get all this out of my system, man.

‘Cause you know how it was back then. We were all trying to get somewhere,

man.

And that’s what this comedy game is.

And, Kevin, I want you to know, man, that it’s all love, baby.

It’s all love, brother. You know why I’m here.

It’s all love. I love you, man.

[cheering and applause]

Congratulations, Kevin. You deserve this, brother.

I love you so much, man.

I’m so proud of your journey, ’cause I’ve seen it from the beginning.

I love you, man. Give me a hug. Come on, man.

Come on, man.

I love you, brother.

How you doing? Congratulations.

Are you ready to have your mind blown?

I’m ready. I’m so ready.

Anything is possible! [exclaims]

Oh, God. He’s doing that thing with his voice.

Do you ever listen to the shit that fly out your mouth?

Use your regular voice.

[deep voice] This is my regular voice.

Hey, Mike. How old is your mom?

What?

No, not like that. No, it is. It is like that.

How old is she? I come in, she was like, “You wanna eat?” “Eat what?”

My action star group chat. Me, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Jet Li.

We all talk.
You barely have the Rock’s number.

You barely have The Rock’s number.

First of all, I say this, and I say it respectfully, fuck The Rock.

Back up, man.

[yells]

Got a bad feeling about this.

You’re telling me that you let a rabbit shit in his bed

because part of…

Let me stop you right there.

That wasn’t a rabbit. That was my shit.

You’re proud of that?

[grunts]

I’m taking you into custody.

I do love you.

What’re you doing?

I’m about to kiss you.

Nobody said anything about a kiss.

[laughs triumphantly]

I’m gonna go check the perimeter.

Am I still Black?

Yes.

Okay.
All right. We’re fine. Everything is fine.

Yeah. Hey, it’s all good.

[explosion]

[people scream, exclaim]

[presenter] From About Last Night with Kevin Hart,

but more importantly, she did Shaft with me,

please welcome Regina Hall.

[upbeat music playing]

Um…

Thank you.

You know, I’m really disappointed

because tonight is a celebration of Kevin’s life and career,

and I’ve been hearing a lot of negative things.

I’ve been hearing about his inconsistent communication,

how he’s got a big penis, and these are lies.

No.

Kevin. No, no, no.

I’m not gonna deal with it. I won’t have the lies.

Kevin, look at me. This is your work wife. And I’m here, to the rescue, for

you.

Thank you.

Look, I love you.

I got us. There’s my sister wife, Eniko. Beautiful.

Everybody, we are the Harts, this family right here.

[laughter]

Now this right here, this is Scary Movie 3.

This is where it all began. I was 21.

Who could have known that I would walk into a table read

and meet my future work husband?

Since then, Kevin’s career, it skyrocketed.

Everyone… No one saw it coming. But one person did.

It wasn’t me. No. I didn’t see it at all.

[laughter]
To be honest, after Soul Plane,

a movie that I’m sure no one in here saw…

[laughter]

Yeah, right? Probably.

Never heard of it either, huh? Yeah, it’s okay. [clears throat] It’s okay.

A lot of people have erased that from their memories. I did.

And I erased Kevin from my cell phone.

[laughter]

But it’s fine, because, over the years, Kevin has tirelessly proven himself

to be a bona fide movie star, with more than 60 films and counting.

Eight of which we have starred in together.

Nice.

And our love scenes… Kevin and I had many love scenes, some requested by

Kevin,

actually, most requested by Niko.

[laughter]

Okay. All right.

Yeah. She told me she was tired of it. I mean…

[laughter]

Over the course of our friendship, I can attest to the fact

that Kevin has remained as kind and gracious since day one.

It’s true.
What’s also true is Kevin is such an incredible father to his children.

He is an exceptional family man.

You hear that?

He manages to do…

It’s true. You do it all.

Your sacrifice, your perseverance, your work ethic.

It is comparable to no other because Kevin cares.

Kevin really cares about the quality… of the check, not the project.

[laughter]

He doesn’t give a damn about that. Some of that shit is pretty bad.

But you know what?

This man makes a lot of money.

Now, it’s been more than 20 years since we met,

and at this point, in California, we are actually common law.

Now, what that means is that I am entitled to…

Lookie there. Oh, my God. It’s legal.

[laughter]

I’m actually entitled to half of the Hart empire.

Okay.

If Kevin owns it, if he gets paid for it, so do I.

Being the work wife is a great responsibility.

And behind every successful Kevin Hart,

there is a gold-digging Regina Hall-Hart.

[laughter]

And I mean that, Kevin.

Congratulations on this incredibly tremendous honor.

And I love you so much.

I love you, G.

[cheering and applause]

[Lil Dicky] Even just looking at the people

that are here in general,

to just be in the same company as these idols

who, my whole life, have been my biggest influences…

I love you.

I love you too, bro.

And for him to invite me to be a part of that is just…

He’s always been, to me, the funniest man in the world.

So I love being here to give him his flowers that are so deserved.

All right.

[presenter] Please welcome Lil Dicky.

[cheering and applause]

I actually want to tell a true story about the first day that I met Kevin Hart,

because I think it’s very telling about his personality.

I’m a rapper, and I was booked to perform in Las Vegas

at one of those super trashy daytime generic Las Vegas pool parties.

That’s where Kevin Hart decided to have his actual bachelor party.

I think he just likes being around those lowest common denominator

type of people that love all his movies.

I think he just likes that vibe.

[laughter]

I don’t know why he was there. Anyways, I hadn’t even met him yet.

I was on stage rapping.

You know, really in the zone. I heard the crowd roar all of a sudden.

I assumed it must have been because I had done something cool.

But I turned right and no,

it was actually because Kevin Hart jumped on stage, microphone in hand,

and actually performed with me for the entire duration of the show.

Look, I grew up in Philadelphia idolizing this man,

so it was a total dream come true

to have this guy materialize out of thin air and meet him on the stage.

Very cool moment in my life.

As years went by, I took a step back

and really analyzed what actually occurred that day.

The audacity of a man…

[laughter]

…having never met the performer,

to just assume that everyone wants him to just jump on stage and interact.

It’s a totally ridiculous way to carry yourself and live life.

I don’t know how he gets away with it, but he does. And it’s incredible.

And he was right. He jumped on stage,

everybody went nuts and the rest is history.

He actually went on to executive produce my TV show.

Now he makes even more money,

and he’s had his hand in my pockets ever since.

[laughter]

Seriously, though, Kevin, I really did grow up in Philadelphia,

and there’s not many comedians or entertainers

where you remember the moment where you saw them the first time,

but I actually I remember sitting at my friend Chris Claffey’s basement.

You came on the screen and you were that dynamic and incredible.

And you’re one of the true comedians

who actually paves the way for everyone after him.

I can speak to that because you did it to me,

and you opened doors and you didn’t have to do that.

So, yeah.

Wow. I love you.

[applause]
I thought it would only be fitting to perform that song that you came on

stage.

It’s called “$ave Dat Money.”

One time.

This is for Kevin Hart.

Everyone stand up.

Stand up. This isn’t a medical.

Hands up.

This is not a medical. Stand up.

Hands up.

Hands up.
Hands up.

[“$ave Dat Money” playing]

♪ Where the gold at, baby? ♪

♪ Where the clothes at? ♪

♪ Where the dough at, baby? ♪

♪ Let’s go ♪

♪ One, two, one, two, three Let’s go ♪

♪ We gonna save that what? We gonna save that money ♪

♪ We gonna save that what? We gonna save that money ♪

♪ We gonna save that what? We gonna save that money ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ The rap game got it all wrong ♪

♪ We ain’t about to go And spend money just to flex on them ♪

♪ We ain’t really got it like y’all ♪

♪ Nah ♪

♪ I’m the type of motherfucker That’ll check the check ♪

♪ Do the math I ain’t never getting robbed ♪

♪ Those margaritas not going on my card ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I ain’t about to split a damn thing For convenience ♪

♪ I’m at the restaurant Working that waitress ♪

♪ You ain’t heard of Lil Dave Yung L the Jew biz major? ♪
♪ Fuck you know about The world he raised in? ♪

♪ I’ve been saving money Since a motherfucker 13 ♪

♪ I wear the same pair of jeans Every day ♪

♪ Free sandwiches, homie Two stamps away ♪

♪ Book flight December But I leave in May ♪

♪ Drugs are generic But still work the same ♪

♪ I get logins for Netflix From my cousin Greg ♪

♪ Thanks, Greg ♪

♪ One, two, one, two, three Let’s… ♪

♪ We gonna save that what? ♪

♪ We gonna save that money ♪

♪ We gonna save that what? ♪

♪ We gonna save that money ♪

♪ We gonna save that what? ♪

♪ We gonna save that money ♪

♪ We gonna save that money ♪

I love you so much, man.

I love you more.

You deserve all this.

I love you more.

You deserve all of this.

I love you more.

[cheering and applause]

Lil Dicky.

[music continues]

You crushed it, Adam.

[cheering and applause]

[music fades]

Please welcome Kevin Hart and the Plastic Cup Boyz.

[Kevin] The Plastic Cup Boyz. That’s our group.

If we were a club, that would’ve been the name of our club house.

I don’t do this show by myself.

Always with my boys, my friends, my brothers.

The group you keep around you is a representation of who you are.

I’ll get it right now.

Y’all leave him alone.

We’re together actually more than we are with our real families.

You can’t do it by yourself. You know, you need a team.

[presenter] Give it up for the Plastic Cup Boyz.

[cheering and applause]

Yes. Yes. How y’all this evening? How is everybody?

We have been touring… I don’t know if y’all believe this.

We’ve been touring with Kevin for 17 years.

[man] Same thing.

A lot of y’all don’t know us because we’re Black famous.

If it was the BET, we’d be popping right now.

[man] Hey, this thing out of control on BET.

All jokes aside, there’s nothing Kevin loves more than being a father.

Yes, sir.

Especially when we’re on tour. You only got to do FaceTime.

Yeah.

[laughter]

What’s that?

No.

As you can see, we are a group.

Now, Kevin is the lead, and he is the Michael Jackson of this group.

But like every group, we have a malcontent.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jermaine Jackson.

There it is.

[laughter]

There he is.

They call me the Bobby Brown of the crew,

the David Ruffin, the one that wants to go solo.

But that is a reflection of your leadership.

If your leader doesn’t bring out the hunger

for more within yourself, is he truly a leader?

Or is he an enabler for mediocrity? For example, Joey and Spank.

[laughter]

I see the greatness in myself because I see the greatness in you.

Love you, bro.

Love you back.

So, tonight, there have been a lot of jokes about Kevin.

We’ve heard all of them, all the short jokes and everything,

and no one appreciates a joke more than Kevin.

So on behalf of the Plastic Cup Boyz,

everybody raise your cup.

Yes. Good job.

To the man who makes the greatest tequila in the world…

George Clooney.

[laughter]

From our hearts…

to Kevin Hart.

Brother, we truly love you and this is well deserved.

Congratulations, my friend. Everybody.

Congratulations.

[cheering and applause]

Cheers!

[upbeat music playing]

Thanks.

Thanks.

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

[audience cheering]

[Kevin] Humor has acted as the master key to every door that I went through.

You don’t just have to do one thing.

You can be good at a lot of different things.

Another day, another shoot.

[director] Ready. And action.

You don’t stop.

I don’t.
What up, everybody? What up, world?

You don’t know that you’re good at a lot of different things

unless you try a lot of different things.

Really, Supreme Court?

Don’t think that you can call… Don’t think that can’t call…

Damn it, Kevin. I got it.

See, the beauty of life is you live and you learn.

Right now, I’m living, but I’m still learning.

Congrats on the Grammy nom, by the way.

That was good, man.

Thank you.
You get one life.

You have the opportunity to take care of yourself

and live that life to the fullest.

Dream, boy.

Education.

You shouldn’t be afraid to be who you are.

This is going to be epic.

Lock in, embody and embed the space of confidence for others.

I did my part.

You are the big guy.

Self-confidence and belief.

That’s how dreams get met.

[upbeat music playing]

[applause]

[presenter] If this presenter’s speech passes a lot of time,

it technically counts for another Netflix special.

Please welcome Dave Chappelle.

[cheering and applause]

[Dave] Thank you.

Kevin, this is a strange thing.

To get a prize like that while you’re still active duty.

But I got to tell you something, man.

Everyone keeps saying you deserve it. What the fuck does that mean?

[laughter]

My God, of course you do.

Kevin Hart grew up in Philadelphia and endured poverty in his childhood.

And if survival had a mascot, it would be him.

He looks like “Staying Alive.”

A little guy in North Philadelphia.

[laughter]

Strong but probably can’t fight.

[laughter]

And survive with humor.

And levity.

If you knew what he was in our community,

you’d know why everybody pulled up to be here tonight.

He makes me feel like the world is okay.

He’s always optimistic.

Comedy is tough and comedians are awful, awful human beings.

[laughter]

[laughs]

But never you.

You always come to any situation

and make us feel levity and light, and you remind me, personally,
every time I see you, why I love comedy so much.

Nobody gives you the credit you deserve

for how outstanding of a comedian you are.

[cheering and applause]

Kevin, what you’ve achieved in your career

is not even scratching the surface of who you are.

You are very, not only deserving of this award,

but people don’t understand what you’ve done to the business.

Do you know how many tickets you’ve sold since you started doing concerts?

I called and checked. I know too.

[laughter]
A half a billion.

A half a billion people…

[applause]

…watched this man stand in front of them

and make them laugh.

Kevin is one of the greatest comedians that I’ve ever seen.

And Kevin is one of the greatest men that I’ve ever known.

Hello, Jerry.

[laughter]

You bring joy to our environment.

People don’t know all the things that comedians go through

and how difficult, how heavy it is to wear the crown.

But, man, I swear to God, you do it with so much grace, so much kindness.

Man, I know every story of all the comedians that you help out.

I know how you go back to Philadelphia and support your neighborhood.

And I know that inside, you feel awful sometimes,

but I’ve never seen it on your face and I’ve never felt it in your presence.

And I am honored to know somebody like you.

I really wish you had come when I won this award.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

No, no, no. Niggas was busy.

[laughter]

I said it about myself but it’s true…

about many of my colleagues, all of my colleagues here tonight.

In your life, at any given moment,

the strongest dream in that moment wins that moment.

And my God, Kevin Hart,

you are a very powerful dreamer.

I love you so much,

and never forget that I said it, because we only get to talk on podcasts.

[laughter]

[laughs] I’m fucking with you.

If you call your brother, I’ll come running.

And you deserve that. And you have earned that.

And you have earned this.

What you have done for this genre is unmistakable.

For the first time in my life, I played arenas with Chris Rock.

And I would never play an arena before I saw you do it.

You made me dream bigger and you’re younger than me. It’s humiliating.

[laughter]

But it’s inspiring, man.

I hope that this moment means the world to you.

And I got to tell you one story.

When I quit Chappelle’s Show, the hardest part about it…

Not the hardest, but a hard part about it

was that I had to watch the world go on without me.

And after some time, I got used to it.

And one day,

my son came home and was looking at me like I was crazy.

And I said, “What is that look in your face?”

And he said, “Kevin Hart just said in an interview

that you were one of the greatest comedians that ever lived.”

And I was like, “Yeah.” But in my mind I was like, “He did?”

[laughter]
[chuckles]

And I thought to myself, if I ever had a chance to honor you

in front of your family, boy, I’ll come running.

I just wish it wasn’t this Sunday ’cause I was supposed to be in Jamaica.

[laughter]

Kevin, you make me dream bigger.

You inspire me and you remind me why I love the love of my life.

This genre. The way you approach it is masterful.

And you are one of the GOATs of the game.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Please make some noise for the most recent recipient

of the Mark Twain Prize.

Kevin Hart.

[cheering and applause]

Let’s go.

[upbeat music playing]

[cheering, applause continues]

[presenter] Please welcome the chairman of the Kennedy Center, David

Rubenstein.

How many of you would like to follow Dave Chappelle?

[laughter]

Not easy.
[applause]

If Mark Twain were here today, he might not fully understand

the significance of what is happening tonight.

But that is because he would be 214 years old.

[laughter]

Just about the age when he could run for president.

[laughter]

[applause]

On the night of the very first prize ceremony,

Kevin Hart was 19 years old.

Perhaps he watched Richard Pryor receive that first prize.

Perhaps he was at a comedy club that night,

starting out on a journey that has led to this stage tonight.

I suspect he couldn’t imagine back then that he would end up here.

But he deserves this in so many ways,

for his impact on our society is immeasurable.

In everything Kevin does,

whether on television or in films, in small comedy clubs or giant stadiums,

he has made us laugh.

It is my great honor to present the 2024 Mark Twain Prize

for American Humor to Kevin Hart.

[cheering and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

[audience cheering]

Wow.

First and foremost, before I say anything, man, I gotta do a rundown of…

just my friends.

I want to shout out Nelly, Robin Thicke,

I want to shout out Tiffany Haddish,

Chelsea Handler, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Dave Chappelle…

[applause]

Keith Robinson, the Plastic Cup Boyz.

They all graced the stage tonight.

And the reason why I start off here

before I get into the real side of my speech is,

you know, success is nothing without the people that really know you

and that can understand what you’ve been through.

And I’ll get to more of that in a second.

But to those people to show up tonight, there’s value in that.

And I appreciate it.

[Nick] You forgot me, motherfucker.

[laughter]

Hey, me too. Hey, me too.

By the way…
Okay.

Kevin.

[laughter]

By the way, here’s the big thing.

Me.

You think it was an accident…

Fuck you, Nick.

[laughter]

Okay?

I really thought Eddie Murphy was here. Fuck you, Nick.

If you don’t think I’mma cut my reaction out from…

[laughter]

And you going… Fuck you, Nick Cannon.

And, J.B., you told everybody I stole my style from you.

Fuck you, J.B.

[laughter]

Tonight is celebration. I left all that out.

And you know what? You did exactly what I did.

The face I had, you both had.

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah. Fuck you both. That’s right.

Now back to the real shit.

[laughter]

It’s a night of love. It’s a night of love.

[laughter]

So anything outside of love is not tolerated tonight.

That’s not what we’re gonna deal with.

On a serious note, jokes aside…

You can’t buy support. You can’t fake that.

So tonight is special, not just because of the award,

but it’s ’cause of the support.

So I want to say before I say anything else…

Regina, fuck. Like…

it means so much to see the people that I would show up for show up for me.

It’s value.

And for me right now, I want you to make sure you feel that

and you understand that. So all jokes aside,

thank you for showing up on a night that’s so dope

that could not be as dope

without real relationships and real energy.

But I got real shit over there to that side,

and I got real shit over here to this side.

So with that being said, like…

Thank you for showing up. Keith…

Goddamn, man. People don’t really know who you are or what you are to

me.

[cheering and applause]

They don’t know.

They don’t know.

We’re gonna do a hell of an edit to get you to the stage faster.

[laughter]

It’s gonna be faster. It’s gonna look good.

And I’mma fucking… That’s Keith.

I got you. Chelsea.

[laughter]
I’m gonna handle it, Keith.

I’m gonna get you there faster.

Thank God.

God makes me realize how important my mom was,

’cause my mom made me realize how important God was.

‘Cause my mom planned on leaving at a certain time,

and God was gonna have to be the person that I leaned on and tapped into.

So thank you, God, for making my mom who she was

and making my mom embed what she embedded in me.

I want to thank my fucking dad. Right?

[applause]
I want to thank my dad too.

I don’t show my dad a lot of love often.

My mom and my dad aren’t here.

My mom made me understand the value of self.

And the message was that I’m a good kid,

I’m a great kid, and I can do whatever I wanna do

and be whatever I want to be. I believed it.

Some kids don’t. I did.

And holding on to that helped me, like…

basically mold into the person I am today and meet the people that I met.

I didn’t start doing what I started to do to get the awards.

I fell in love with the idea of comedy,

and falling in love with the idea of comedy made me say, “Oh, my God.”

“I’m in love with something that I can do for the rest of my life.” That’s the

win.

I fell in love with something that I could adapt to,

I can grab on to, and I can keep.

I got good at it.

And getting good at it,

I figured out more ways to amplify it and get bigger and better.

To people watching this shit tonight, man, it’s not about the award.

It’s about the idea of happy with you.

It’s about the idea of happy with the thing that you understand

and the thing that you committed to.

I committed to comedy.

I committed to saying that it’s either this or nothing else.

All my eggs are in this basket.

Whether it works or not, I’m happy with my choice.

Oh, my God. My choice ended up becoming so much more than I ever saw it

becoming.

But it’s because I was able to say it’s either this or nothing else.

Now, that gamble was one that I was willing to live with.

And my lesson to all that are watching or that will watch…

Some people frown upon gambling.

Life without a gamble is a weird thing, man.

‘Cause that’s acting as if you know. You don’t know.

You don’t know what the fuck will work.

You don’t know what your future will be.

You don’t have the answers.

So sometimes a gamble is the best way to define what will be you

or ultimately become the best version of you.

I’m an example of gambles good and bad.

I’ve won and I’ve lost.

But there is no bigger win

than the win of choice.

I made the right choice,

and the right choice led me to the right fucking household.

My wife, my kids, my foundation.

I can’t do what I do without the right foundation.

So to my wife, I love you for being patient

with my goddamn lack of consistency and choice,

but ultimately believing that I will do the right thing.

To my kids, for understanding that their dad is gonna be exactly that.

I’m your dad.

There is no me without you.

There is no life in me… [voice breaking]

without you.

I breathe for you. I live for you.

[applause]

To my brother…

Man, I don’t have the words for my brother.

I don’t have the words for a better person.

A better support.

A better uncle.

A better fucking backbone.

Parents fall, you stood up.

Parents got sick, you stood up.

Within all the choices I made,

you made the right choice to say I’mma be there…

and I’mma ride for my brother because my brother ultimately is riding for us.

And that last name Hart will mean so much

’cause of your commitment.

And I hate to use this word in front of all these Congress white people,

but, nigga, you’re the best.

[laughter]

You’re the best.

You’re the best.

And… my kids are better because of you.

To Dave, to Chris, to Jerry.

Hey, man, I’m a student of comedy.

And when you get the greats to come out and support you in any way, shape

or form, it makes you feel like you’re doing great shit.

I canceled plans.

[laughter]

It makes you feel like you’re doing great shit.

And although this award means so much and I will never take it for granted,

it does not mean more than looking over there and going,

“Wow. I got Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Dave Chappelle that came out

on a night for me.”

[cheering and applause]

Uh…

There is nothing…

There is nothing that can mean more than that.

And… I don’t want to get too emotional, but my emotions simply come

from a format of “I’m not supposed to be here.”

So when you get here and you’re an example that you can be here, you’re just

fucking what the dream is about.

My dream is real, and my dream doesn’t stop today.

My dream is amplified more.

My tears come down because my kids get to see it.

Tonight is amazing, and I appreciate the support.

There’s no definition to describe how that feels.

And tonight you guys gave me a feeling of that.

Like I say, it’s my first time in this business that I’ve seen the people that I

really admire step up and show out when there was an opportunity to.

And I don’t know if this opportunity will come again.

This may be the last.

But if it was… you made it impactful, you made it meaningful.

‘Cause you did it in front of me and mines.

And I thank you forever for that.

So I accept this award and, more importantly, I love you.

Thank you, guys, for an amazing night.

I love you all. Thank you, guys.

[cheering and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

[camera shutter clicking]

[imperceptible]
Zero Fucks Given (2020) – Transcript

Kevin Hart serves up laughs and brick oven pizza from the

comfort of his home, and dishes on male group chats, sex after 40

and life with COVID-19.

Streaming on Netflix from November 17, 2020

[Kenzo babbling]
[Kevin] Yo.

What’s up? I was looking all over the house for y’all.

[Eniko] We’re just chilling. About to go downstairs, get some work done.

What up, champ?

[imperceptible]

Finish your homework?

[Eniko] No.

Look in my eyes.

[Kenzo babbling]

You’re lying. Finish your homework. Stop playing with me. [chuckles] Zo,

give Daddy two. Ah, ah. Give me a boom. Boom! Give me a headbutt.

[grunts] Give me a kiss.

Why’re you looking at me?

Love you.

Give me a kiss.

Okay.

Love you.

Heaven, finish your work? Oh, yes, for the most part.

See you all when I come back up.

[Kenzo babbles]

[Eniko] Bye!

[Heaven] Bye.

[Kenzo] Bye, Dad.

Pow!

[hip-hop music playing]

Ooh. Daddy about to have a good time. Big cube, coming in. Taste it.

[slurps] Mmm. Ha-ya! Yeah. Hey. Wow! The GOAT. Legend. Inspiration.

My man.

[cheering and applauding]

Aww. So nice. Oh, man! Well, thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you.

Thank you! Much appreciated. Stop it. Sit down. I appreciate it. Thank you.

-Hello. Hi.

[crowd whoops]

I can say hello. First time I’ve been this intimate with a crowd. So, I can say

hello and I can actually get a hello back. So, I’mma say it again. Hello. How

y’all doing? Good?

[crowd cheering]

That’s good. I like it. This feels right to me.

This feels right.

[woman] Yeah!

I’ve been in a lot of different spaces to tell some jokes. Been in f*cking

stadiums, arenas, theaters. This right now feels right, in the comfort of my

own f*cking home. Thank you.

[crowd applauding]

Thank you. Getting back to the basics. I wanna explain to you guys why I’m

actually in my house. We’re here for a reason. I’m no longer comfortable

anywhere else but my house. I’m being very f*cking honest with you guys. I

am not comfortable anywhere except my house. And it’s for a lot of reasons. I

feel like we should get into those. Let’s address the elephant in the room.

Reason number one, COVID.

[crowd exclaims]

COVID. Where you at right now? Where’s your panic level? High? In the

middle? Low? Where you at? Be honest, let me know. Middle? High? Low?

Kind of high? A little bit?

[crowd mumbling]

News flash. I had it! That’s right, I had the ‘VID. The ‘VID-19 was in my

system. I had it in the beginning when it wasn’t cool, when it wasn’t a trend.

It was me and Tom Hanks. We was the only two. [chuckles] I had to keep it a

secret because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am. He will swallow

my f*cking announcement. He’s Forrest Gump. You’re not gonna beat

Forrest Gump. No shot. No f*cking shot I’mma beat Forrest Gump. If it was

somebody lesser than, I would’ve dropped that b!tch in a heartbeat. David

Hasselhoff. F*ck David Hasselhoff. Ain’t nobody give a shit about David

Hasselhoff. Boom! Dropped it. “Kevin Hart’s got it, too. Save Kevin Hart.

#TheVID.” You know why I call it the ‘VID? It’s the closest thing to AIDS.

It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS. The ‘VID. “You got the ‘VID? F*ck,

man!” “I got the ‘VID.” “You got the ‘VID? Shit!” “Praying for you. You got
the f*cking ‘VID.” I didn’t know I had it. I didn’t know I had it, man. I had

no symptoms at all. No fever, no headache, no body aches, nothing. Now,

my wife lost her sense of taste and her sense of smell. She told me, “Babe, I

think I got it. We should get tested.” I said, “Well, we don’t have a problem.”

“You got the f*cking problem. Why do I have to get tested?” “I can taste and

smell fine. Why the f*ck do I gotta get tested?”

Doctor came over to the house. Doctor came over, tested both of us. Said,

“You guys are both positive.” I said, “Bullshit.” “Bullshit! No way I’m f*cking

positive.” I immediately touched my nose twice. Ah, ah. “Could I do that?”

“If I had the ‘VID, could I f*cking do this two times in a row?” Can’t touch

your nose with the ‘VID. Everybody knows that. Said, “Mr. Hart, I’m very

serious. You’re positive.” This caused an uproar in my household,

immediately. Me and my wife go at each other’s throats, “Who the f*ck

brought the ‘VID up in this house?” “Who was it?” Got to see how we felt

about each other’s friends. “It was that nasty b!tch Pam you always hanging

with. That’s who did it.” “Dirty-foot b!tch.” “Her feet dirty. She tracked the

‘VID all through the goddamn house.” “Dirty-foot Pam did it.” [chuckles]

“Got the f*cking ‘VID all in this goddamn house.” “Wash the carpets
immediately.” Doctor calmed me down, “Calm down, Kevin.” “It’ll pass.

Take ten to fourteen days. Relax.” “Chill out. Drink some tea.” That’s what

the doctor told me to my f*cking face. “Drink some tea.” Are you kidding

me? “I got the f*cking ‘VID, Doc!” “The hell is tea gonna do for me?”

“Where’s my ventilator?” That’s what I said. “Where is it?” “I’m supposed to

get a ventilator. Everybody knows that.” “You get a ventilator with the ‘VID.

That’s what they say in the blogs.” “You’ll be fine, Mr. Hart, you’ll be fine.”

When the doctor told me that, my level of panic lowered. Keep in mind, I

was at the highest level in the beginning. Oh, my God. When it first hit, oh,

my f*cking God, I didn’t know what to do. I went and put gas in all the

f*cking cars.

[crowd laughs]

[chuckles] You gotta be able to escape. These motherf*ckers turning into

zombies here. I was scared. Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I

could find. Still don’t know why we went on this toilet paper kick. What was

so special about toilet paper? Nobody told me. Did the ‘VID make you shit?

What was it? What… [chuckles] We bought all the f*cking toilet paper. Dry

noodles, I got it all!

The mask, I went crazy with the mask. In the beginning, I didn’t know what

mask to buy. Had a regular mask. My friend told me, “Hey, man, that ain’t

the right mask, the ‘VID gonna get through that mask.” “That mask ain’t

gonna protect you against the ‘VID.” “F*ck! Are you serious?” “I’m serious.

You gotta get the N95s.” “Oh, shit.” Went on a website, I bought every N95 I

saw. I spent 20 grand on N95s.

[crowd laughing]

Went outside the day after, I saw a n i g g a with a titty cup on his face. Wasn’t

even a… With a bra strap. What the f*ck? That’s not a N95. That’s a A-cup

bra. What the hell just happened? He didn’t spend 20 grand on that. No way.

Somebody duped me, man. My wife told me flat-out, “Babe, you know

what?” “This thing is messing with your head. You gotta get out this house.”

“You gotta get out the house.” I said, “There is nothing outside this house for

me.” “Nothing. There’s no reason for me to go outside this house.” “No

shot.” “The things that are outside this house, I have no interest in.” “There’s

people out there. I don’t like people.” I said it. Cat’s out the bag.
I don’t f*cking like people anymore. You won. You beat me up. You f*cking

won, man. You know how? Because you guys have managed to f*ck up the

best job in the world, man. At one point in time, fame was the most

sought-after and best job on the f*cking planet. If you didn’t have it, you

wanted a piece of it. You wanted to taste a little bit of it. I got it. I got to the

highest level of it, and then you f*cked me, oh, you f*cked me good. Oh, this

generation f*cked me good. Everything’s gotta be compromised. Everything’s

gotta be videoed in this generation. If it’s not on video, it never happened.

That’s how this generation lives. Let me tell you guys the scariest thing that

you could do to a Black man in 1986 if you were the cops or the feds. Scariest

thing that you could do is tell a Black man that you had him on tape. If the

feds came up to you, “We got your ass on tape. You going to jail.” He’ll shit

himself, “What? Who? Me?” “On tape?” Oh! He’d start crying. [mimics

crying] [crowd laughs] “I’m on f*cking tape.” [mimics crying] “All y’all going

to f*cking jail. We got all y’all on tape.” He’ll tell all his friends, “Come out,

Calvin, Marcus, Terrence.” “They got us. Anthony, you, too.” “Said they got

us all on tape. We’re going to jail, apparently.” “We’re going to f*cking jail.”

[mimics crying] “We on tape.” That’s all the feds had to say, “Got your ass on

tape.” Scariest thing you could do. You guys don’t even realize that you’re the
feds… for free. You’re not even getting paid. For f*cking free. You’re just

telling on people all goddamn day. Just a bunch of walking f*cking snitches.

It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting.

I went to McDonald’s… This is a true story. I go to McDonald’s. I’m at the

drive-through, right? I want a Big Mac Meal. I haven’t had one in so long.

I’m so excited for this f*cking Big Mac. Oh, my God, I can’t wait to get this

Big Mac. I get the Big Mac. I’m so excited. I pull over in the parking lot. I

start f*cking the Big Mac up. Smashing it. It’s all over my face, everything.

I’m happy as hell. I turn to my left, it’s a woman outside the window taping

me. She said, “Got your ass.” I got nervous. “What the f*ck is you doing,

lady?” She said, “Mmm-mmm. But I got your ass.” [scoffs] “What the f*ck

you mean, got my ass? What am I doing?” I’m so nervous, I dropped the

burger. I just dropped the f*cking burger. I grabbed my phone, I went to

Twitter, I issued an apology via social media. I said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier, I announced that I

was going plant-based full-time. I’d just said it. This video was detrimental to

everything that I stood for at the moment. [chuckles] Had to issue an

apology to the plant-based community. Became an ally. Made a donation,

was a part of protest. I had to do what I could. Stood by the side of cows,

took pictures. It was a lot. I don’t like what you guys have made me become.

I don’t like it. I’m no longer comfortable. You switched it on me. F*ck! You

switched it on me, man. For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as

the weird people. “Them motherf*ckers get weird sometimes, man.” “People

get weird.” That’s how we looked at people. You switched it. We’re the weird

people now. You look at us like, “What the f*ck is wrong with him?” We’re

the weird people. I don’t know how to act in public. “Hey, why are you

staring?” “What’s going on, man?” I think everybody knows. “Get your

hands out your pocket.” “What’s happening, man? Come on.” “F*ck you

about to do to me? You about to eat me? Come on, man.” “The f*ck you

talking about? Nobody worried about your ass.” “Bullshit. Look at that guy

looking at me in his glasses.” “I know somebody thinks I’m dinner when I see

it. They trying to eat me here.” Making crazy accusations all over the f*cking

place. Losing my mind. Going crazy.

You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer. It’s a true story.

True story. There was a time, if you wanted to come to my house to talk to

me, you had to get naked. Get in the f*cking pool. How else would I know
that you’re not wearing a wire? “Who you with?” “E!? People? Who the f*ck

is you with?” “Came here for a story for the tabloids. I don’t trust you, Dad.”

[chuckles] “I’m your father.” “Shut up, b!tch!” “Who you been talking to,

Dad?” “Get in the pool.” “Finish this conversation in six feet.” “Switch that.

Four. Go to four feet. I can’t see. Go to four.” This is where I am. This is

where I am. My wife says the same things, “Honey, you’re getting old.”

“Getting angry, irritable. Need to get out and get back to yourself.” “Get

back to your ways of old. You can’t live like this.” I decided to start doing

stand-up again. I said, “Baby, you’re right. I need to go and start doing

stand-up comedy again.” That’s how I get back to myself. That’s how I get

back to me. [crowd applauding] I told my friends I was gonna start doing

comedy again. They said, “Gonna talk about your wife and kids again?” I

said, “What else do I have?” I don’t have nothing else. All my b!tches left

after the sex tape. Every b!tch I had, left. Every one of them. “Where you

going, Lorraine? Gladys? Pearl?” [chuckles] “Where you going?” These are

older names ’cause I had older b!tches at the time. “Get back here, Ethel.

Come on, man.” “Don’t do this to me.” “Magnus, come on, please.”

[chuckles] “Please don’t do this.” “Loretta, you can’t leave. Come on.”
What else do I have? I have to. Talking about my kids is a must, man. It’s a

must. They’re part of my everyday life. I don’t know what else to talk about,

outside of the things that I go through on the daily. My kids are with me on a

daily. Two teenagers, one three-year-old, a baby that could be here any day

now. -Any day, any f*cking day now.

[crowd applauding]

About to throw these balls in the trash. I ain’t having no more f*cking babies.

I’mma roof these balls after this f*cking baby come. I’mma take both balls,

throw them on the f*cking roof. You can kiss my ass thinking another child is

coming out of these balls, I promise. You’re a f*cking liar if you say it’s my

baby. Balls in the trash after this baby. My daughter and I are closer than

we’ve ever been. My daughter’s boy crazy. Boy crazy. Once again, I gotta act

like I like it. I don’t. You gotta act like you do. I love this. I love that, in my

specials, you get to see the growth of my f*cking kids. You see their

development. They’re getting older, man. Daughter told me she likes this boy

named Matt at her school. “Dad, I like this boy named Matt. Oh, my God.

He’s so cute.” “He makes me laugh. I want him.” “What the f*ck does that

mean?” “What does that mean?” “I want him.” “What the f*ck are you
saying, little girl?” “Should I tell him?” “If that’s how you feel, tell him.” She

goes to school, tells him how she feels, comes home, “Dad, oh, my God.

Guess what? Matt likes me back. We’re a thing.” “Good for you, honey. That

makes me happy.” “Do me a favor, keep it in the kid space, though.” “Okay,

Dad.” She comes back home two days later. “Dad, I don’t like Matt no more.

I like this boy named Rob now.” “He look better, he make me laugh more.

That’s who I really want.” “It happens. Sometimes you think you like

somebody, you meet somebody else, you realize that’s the person you liked all

along.” “It’s called life.” “Make it happen. Move on. Be honest with the other

person.” “All right, Dad, I love you.” “Keep it in the kid space.” A week goes

by. “Dad, I don’t like Rob no more.” “I like this boy named Tim.” Instantly,

in my mind, I said, “My daughter a ho. This is ho shit.” “This is ho shit.” -Ho

activity right in front of my face.

[crowd laughs]

I immediately called a ho that I knew from the past. Asked her if this is how

it went down for her. Three boys back-to-back. She said, “Yup, the same

way.” “Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom.” What is

happening? Don’t want my baby plucking balls. I gotta save her. What I
gotta do is see these boys. Went to the school. I wanted to see ’em, what they

look like. I saw ’em. Saw Matt first. Gotta be honest. Charming little kid,

personality was out of this world. I see why she likes Matt. I see it. I get it.

Charming little boy. I get it. Personality, funny guy. I see why you like Matt. I

get it. Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in. I didn’t look at Matt again. I

forgot all about Matt. Who the f*ck is Matt? Rob had a different thing.

Personality popped. Had a bunch of pizzazz, flair. Used his hands a lot when

he talked. This kid’s got something. I see why she don’t like f*cking Matt.

Then Tim walked in. Tim had on leather pants… with some Heelys. You

know how confident you gotta be to wear leather pants in high school? A

Black kid with leather pants. There’s no Black kid that I’ve ever heard about

that wore leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz. That’s the only Black man.

And it’s a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age. Tim had Heelys on, just

slid through the f*cking room. Jesus Christ, man. Cigarettes under his arms. I

said, “Do you smoke?” He said, “It’s just a look,” as he was gliding by me.

[chuckles] -F*ck.

[crowd laughing]
Kids today are different. My son and my daughter are on two different pages.

Shit makes me laugh. Always have been. Always have been two completely

different pages. My son is… He’s what you call… What do they call it today?

What are the kids called today, when the kids are… Dumb. There it is. I got it.

Dumb. Struggling academically. I know you guys are like, “Don’t call your

kid dumb.” Why not? He’s mine. Chip off the old f*cking block. Not like

I’m standing up here as a smart-ass man. I was dumb as shit, too. Worked out

for me so far. Dumb is the right way to go in my household. [crowd

applauding] It’s the right way to go. Then it pisses me off as the school

constantly calls me to remind me of my son’s educational problems. “Mr.

Hart, he failed another test.” “Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping.” “Want to

discuss your son’s grades?” “They continue to drop.” I snapped on ’em,

“Don’t call me no more.” “Don’t call me about his grades no more. Call

him.” “Call him. That’s his problem. It’s not my problem.” “Last I checked, I

went to school. I passed. I’m successful.” “I’m not going to school again. He

needs to f*cking pass that class, not me.” “Call him.” Private schools, man,

they got this weird thing. I’m not that much of a fan of private schools, I’ll be

honest. I am not a fan of private schools at all. Yes, my kids attend private

schools. Doesn’t mean I’m a fan of it. I feel like private schools protect kids
from reality. They protect you. They protect you from f*cking reality. Private

school… Private schools breed b!tches. That’s how I feel. I said it. I said it. I’m

not taking it back. That’s how I feel. Private schools breed b!tches. I’m in my

comfort zone, I’mma let it fly today. Everything that I f*cking feel, I’mma say.

You ever see a grown man get punched in the face that went to private

school? He immediately looks for a teacher. [mimics exclaiming] He just…

He gives you five of these… “Huh.” “I don’t know. Why?” Looking for

somebody to tell him why. “I don’t know. Why? What?” “We gotta have an

arbitration. When’s the meeting?” Public schools, now that’s different.

Public schools, you got no choice but to grow the f*ck up. You got no choice

but to grow up in public schools. It’s a pot of f*ckshit. They just throw you

in it. They just throw you in it. Nobody prepares you for the shit you gonna

see.

I saw my first white person in public school. I didn’t know what the f*ck it

was. It was the only one there. “What the f*ck is that? Jesus Christ!” I

thought it was somebody from Star Wars, “That’s a stormtrooper.” “It’s a

f*cking stormtrooper right there.” Just a white person walking down the hall.

I was making the noises… [mimics blaster] “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper. No?”
“No, that’s a white person.” “I never knew. Nobody told me what it was.”

Public school throws you into a pot of f*ckshit. Everything is there. White

people, Black people, Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican. Fat, skinny, gay,

straight. Dirty, clean. It’s all there. They just push you in. You gotta figure it

out. Kids are scared. [mimics exclaiming] They run straight to the teacher,

“I’m scared. Help.” The teacher answer, “Me, too, b!tch. “Walked through

the same metal detectors. Don’t think I’m scared?” “Keep your back against

the locker, head on a swivel.” “What?” “Get you some Mace, put it in a

plastic bottle like this.” “Gush it at him. That’s what I’d do.” “Gush it?” I

don’t feel like my kids’ private school respects my level of celebrity. I don’t. I

really don’t. I mean this. I swear to God, my plan… I’m gonna be very honest.

It’s my f*cking household. I’m not holding back. They don’t respect my level

of celebrity. I’m a very humble guy. [chuckles] May not seem like it after that

sentence, but I am. I’m a very humble guy. What’s understood doesn’t need

to be said. You know who I am. I know you know it. Don’t make me say who

I am. They put me in the position to have to say who I am. I go drop my kids

off at school, teachers come out, surround my car. “Mr. Hart, we’d love to

talk to you for a second.” “The big fair is coming up.” “We do this fair once a
year at the school.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter at this year’s

fair.”

[crowd laughs]

I gave her a lot of time for her to say, “I’m bullshitting.” She never said it. I

said, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” “No, it’s our biggest fair.” “We would

love it if you would be the greeter.” “We think you would make an amazing

greeter at this year’s fair.” Before I go on with this joke, I wanna make

something clear. First things first, I have nothing against greeters. Okay? I

don’t wanna tell this joke and walk outside my house and you’re all there

with signs talking about “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect

greeters.” “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect the greeters.” Greeters

are amazing people. The job is actually required. I get it. I’ve actually been hit

with some amazing greetings in my time. I went to Walmart, I got hit with a

greeting so fantastic one time… I don’t even know where he came from. He

just slid in my POV. [chuckles] I walked in. He was like, “Welcome to

Walmart.” “You here to get you some stuff?” I said, “What the f*ck?” “Where

did you come from, man?” [chuckles] “You better get some stuff. We rolling

back prices.” Then he moonwalked. He just moonwalked out the way. I said,
“What the f*ck just happened?” “What just happened here?” I was so blown

away by the greeting, not only did I go get me some stuff, I broke my neck

looking for this guy on the way out. I wanted him to see my stuff. “Hey,

come here, man!” “Hey, come here. I wanna show you my stuff.” He came

over, I opened my bag. He was like… “Ooh!” He said, “Ooh! You got you

some good stuff.” Took out his highlighter, swiped my receipt so people

knew I didn’t steal. He said, “Make sure you come back and see me again.” I

said, “You gonna be here?” He said, “If I’m not, who will?” Moonwalks out

the way again. -I said, “What the f*ck?”

[crowd laughs and applauds]

“It’s one of the best greetings I’ve ever seen, man.” “Of course I’mma come

back and see you again.” I’m not shitting on greeters. I’m just saying I didn’t

have to go that route. I went around that to get to my success. You don’t

come to me and ask me to be the f*cking greeter. I had a number-one movie

in the box office at the time. -I was on the side of f*cking buses. -[crowd

applauding] You don’t ask me to be the greeter.

[crowd laughing]
There are parents that got kids that go there that are former actors and

actresses that you could have asked. Carlton from the Fresh Prince, Alfonso?

That’s your greeter. This right here. That’s what you want in front. That’s

your greeter. Terry Crews. He got kids that go there. That’s your greeter.

Pec-popping at the front. [mimicking Terry Crews] “Hey…” “Hey…

Welcome to the fair. Who want a ticket?” What a combination. Parents

would’ve went crazy. “Whoa! “What a school.” “I want tickets. I’m gonna

buy every ticket I can.” [mimics Crews] Hey… Parents would be blown away.

These greeters are amazing. My wife said what she normally says. “Kevin,

calm down.” “Get yourself together. You getting older, more irritable, and

you don’t want that energy to rub off on your kids.” It’s not gonna rub off

on my goddamn kids. I know it’s not gonna rub off on my kids.

This pandemic gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids. A lot of

time with my kids. For the first time, I realized my kids are a little spoiled.

They’re a little spoiled. But it’s not by choice, it’s by circumstances. I have

good kids. My kids are great kids. I gotta be honest. I got very lucky. I got

great kids. But because of their circumstances, they’re a little spoiled. For

example, they’ve been flying private since birth, they didn’t ask for that. They
were born into that. They only travel with me. First time they traveled

without me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife. Went back to

Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma. My kids called me

from the airport. You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad. I’ve

never seen… a higher level of panic in my f*cking life. Called me from the

airport, “Dad!” [whimpering] “What’s happening?” My daughter was like,

“They’re taking my lotions and toothpaste.” “What am I supposed to do?”

“They’re making me walk through metal…” My son snatched the phone,

“What the f*ck is going on, Dad?” “They won’t let me take my bags.” “They

said I can’t take my backpacks, my pulleys, my duffys.” “I gotta put my games

underneath. How am I gonna play ’em, Dad?” I told them both, “Relax.

Stop it. Stop!” “Both of you.” “It’s called security.” “It’s called TSA, okay?”

“This is called life with your mother.” “All right? There’s a difference.”

“There’s a drop-off. It’s all right.” “Things change.” “It’s okay.” “You’ll both

be fine.”

I overlooked some of the things I do because I never thought twice about

’em. Me and my kids go to the amusement park, we do the whole park. The

whole f*cking park, man, in 30, 40 minutes. How? Well, I call ahead. There’s
a concierge they assign to me. I get to the park, concierge walks me and my

family up to the front of every single ride. Done it for years. Keep in mind, I

explain to my kids, “Listen, this is earned. It’s not given.” “This doesn’t just

happen.” “Your father worked hard to be able to walk to the front of these

f*cking lines.” “There’s rules. You don’t just walk to the front of the line.”

“Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line, you do not

make eye contact with none of these f*cking people in this line.” “You hear

me?” “You keep your eyes straight ahead and you don’t f*cking look left or

right until we get to the front of the line.” “These people are gonna say

things. They’re gonna say a lot of mean things about me, you.” “You just

ignore ’em.” “Ignore ’em, because guess what? We’re in our car, headed

home.” “We’re never gonna see these people again.” “You know where these

people gonna be? Still in that f*cking line.” “They’re still gonna be in the

line.” “And that’s reality.”

My kids processed that, they understood it. For years, this is how we

operated. They called me from the amusement park. They were with their

cousins, they FaceTimed me. I answer their FaceTime. I could tell that they

were weak. Malnourished, they hadn’t eaten in hours, I could tell. They had
the white shit in the corner of their mouths. [chuckles] They could barely

stand. [mimics yelling] “Dad!” “We’ve been in line for hours, we haven’t rode

anything.” “We got the fast pass, but it’s not fast at all.” “Can you call

somebody? Can you do something?” I said, “Who are you with?” “Our

cousins.” “Is your mother there?” “Yes.” “Put your mom on the phone, let

me talk to your mom.” Got their mom on the phone. She said, “Hey, what’s

up?” “Hey.” “Checkmate, b!tch.” I hung up the phone. [crowd laughing] I

was quick. I haven’t went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet, I wanna let

you guys know. These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to ’em.

Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something. Something’s gotta

happen. It’s just a good f*cking joke. Those are two good jokes, I can’t get rid

of ’em. [all applauding] I thought about those jokes for a long time. I gotta let

’em fly. It’s worth the consequence. I’ll send her a couple of text messages

after this tape and see how she feels. [Kevin chuckling] My wife says the same

thing all the time, “Kevin, you getting older.” “Getting angry, irritable.” I’m

here to tell you I am getting older. Forty-one now, guys. -[crowd cheering and

applauding] -I know, right? Where does time go? I was just 22 years old, man.

You do not realize how fast time flies. Look back, all those comedy specials on
the wall, that’s a timeline of my f*cking life. That’s damn near 16 years of

comedy, man. Sixteen f*cking years of comedy, like, it’s insane.

[crowd applauding]

Forty-one. What happened? Shit changes at the age of 40. You hear about it,

but you don’t believe it, things change. I’m here to tell you, shit does change.

Biggest change for me, after the age of 40, the balls dropped. I got some

length. Got some f*cking length on my balls. I didn’t ask for it. Just

happened. I didn’t even know. I was in the kitchen. Bent over, wife said,

“Why you got dice in your back pocket?” “I ain’t got no f*cking dice in my

back pocket.” Touched my back pocket, “Goddamn, those are my f*cking

balls.” “How did my balls get in my back pocket? What just happened to

me?” “How long was I asleep?” “Who stretched me out while I was asleep?”

The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age, man. I am okay. I’m

very serious, man. I am okay. I don’t need to do much. I love being in the

f*cking house. I actually built the house. Me and my wife built the house,

that’s where we wanted to stay. We wanted to stay in this f*cking house. Let’s

build our dream house to stay in it, not to leave it. Women got a problem

with doing this thing called sitting the f*ck down. It’s very difficult for
women to sit the f*ck down. Sit the f*ck down. That’s a task for women. A

woman’s favorite line, “Let’s go do some stuff.” “What stuff?”

“Mmm-mmm. Something.” “The f*ck are you saying?” “Something.” [Kevin

chuckles] A bunch of men… There’s a bunch of men rejoicing. “Yeah!”

“Something, I don’t know. Something.”

You know what my wife’s biggest problem is? Chasing her past. Trying to

redo what she did when she was younger. Ladies, I’m here to give you a

personal message. It’s okay to get old. There’s nothing wrong with getting

old. [crowd applauding] There’s nothing wrong with it. Stop fighting old

age. The beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize all the

dope shit that you overcame and that you did when you were younger.

That’s dope. Stop trying to run from that. Stop trying to redo that. It’s over.

It’s f*cking over. She told me the other day, “We should go out tonight.” “We

should get f*cked up.” [chuckles] I said, “Absolutely not. No.” “Why would I

do that? No.” “It hurts. It f*cking hurts now.” Take a shot, it gets stuck in my

chest for three to five f*cking minutes. My left side shut down, I get the

shaking and shit. I gotta fart or shit. I don’t know, it’s one of ’em,

something’s happening. Making dumbass faces. I describe this to my wife in

great detail. You know what her answer was? “You don’t never wanna have

fun with me.” I said, “B!tch, I just described a stroke to you.” “That’s a

stroke.” “That’s a legal stroke. I’m shutting down.” “You don’t wanna have

fun with me. You don’t ever want to do stuff.” After the age 40, you know

what, you lose a high level of care. I don’t really give a f*ck. My wife wanna go

out, I don’t. “You go. I don’t give a f*ck.” “I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck

what you do.” That’s not in a malicious or angry way. I’m serious. I don’t

give a f*ck. Go! Have a good time. Go!” Ladies, you don’t know how to not

give a f*ck, that’s your problem. If you guys could match a man’s

not-give-a-f*ck energy, oh, my God, the world would be a better place. It’d be

a better place. But you don’t know how to not give a f*ck. You’re always

searching for a f*ck ’cause you just… You can’t. You don’t process it. You can’t

figure it out. I’mma tell you your problem, ladies, and I want you to listen

closely. Here’s what makes a woman really mad. You guys get upset if a man

does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. I’mma

say it again. Ladies, you get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that

you feel that you would give him. Hence why you’re always searching for a

give-a-f*ck. ‘Cause on the other side, you’re like, “I would give a f*ck.”
[woman] Yeah.

“So you should give a f*ck.”

[woman] Yeah.

That’s why you search for give-a-f*cks. My wife constantly search for ’em. She

wants to go out. “Go out.” She can’t just leave. “All right, babe, I’m going

out.” “Cool.” “Me and the girls.” “Got it.” “We probably getting f*cked up

tonight.” “Do you.” “I don’t know what time we coming back.” “I’ll be

asleep either way, it’s fine.” She’s searching for give-a-f*cks. There are no

give-a-f*cks! “Go!” I’m excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly

button. I don’t give a f*ck. “Go!” They can’t do it. Hence you want the same

from men. You don’t understand, first and foremost, stop expecting us to be

as bright and brilliant as you. If a man goes out and he’s over 40 years old, I’m

here to tell you, there is no plan attached to that. There is no f*cking agenda.

There’s no schedule. Stop asking questions because we don’t have the

answers. Granted, I know some insecurities are brought on because of men

and the things that they did in the past… I’m guilty of it… but after the age of

40, it goes away. It goes away. We don’t give a f*ck about shit. We don’t care.
Stop looking for shit. I told her… The one time I said I was going out. “Babe,

I’m going out.” “Where you going?” “I don’t even know yet.” “Who going

with you?” “Whoever come I guess, I don’t know.” “What y’all gonna do?”

“I’m trying to figure it out now. I don’t know what we’re doing.” “Y’all

gonna eat?” “I hope so, I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten.” “What time you back?”

“Whatever time we done.” “What the f*ck is going on here?” “Am I getting

graded? What is this? I don’t have the answers!” “I’m failing miserably. Stop

asking me questions.” I can’t f*ckin’ deal with it.

There’s a high level of insecurity sometimes that’s not worth you having,

ladies. We got into an argument one time. Got into a f*cking argument. Two

reasons. First, she asked me this big question. I had to explain that I didn’t

know. Another secret, ladies. After men say, “We going out,” we actually

meet in the parking lot and try to figure out what the f*ck we doing. We

actually have another meeting ourselves. “What’s the plan?” “I thought you

had it.” “I don’t, I thought you did.” “Nobody got a f*ckin’ plan? I’m out.

I’m not staying here doing this shit.” I go home, go to sleep. I got back home

early. “You back early ’cause you was with a b!tch.” “No, I wasn’t!” “I was in a

parking lot at Home Depot for 45 minutes… talking about absolutely

nothing, which is why I came home.” I don’t like f*ckin’ arguing. I’m at an

age where I don’t argue, I just leave. That’s my new move. “You argue with

yourself. I’ll be back.” [chuckles] “I’ll be back.” “Hopefully when I come

back, you ain’t got no energy.” That’s my f*ckin’ move. We argued in the

morning and I left. It was 7:00 a.m. She called me, I’m in the car. She was

like, “You probably getting your dick sucked.” At 7:00 a.m.? What b!tch is

that ambitious that’s out here at 7:00 a.m… sucking dick? What type of

daywalker do you think I’m dealing with? Jesus Christ! A 7:00 a.m.

dicksucker on the loose, that’s got you worried? What are you readin’?

What’s the blog that told y’all to worry about the dicksucker at 7:00 a.m.?

“Watch your man, ladies!” “Since 7:00 a.m., dicksucker on the prowl!”

“Thanks, girl.” “I saw it on my…” [chuckling] “I saw it on my security

camera.” “Outside looking for dicks.” Came down… [laughing] “I saw her

looking for dicks on my security camera.” “Somewhere out there looking for

dicks.” Shit that I deal with is unreal. All my wife’s insecurities dropped

down after she read my group chat.

Ladies, if you got a man over 40 years old in this room, I challenge you to

check his phone and read his group chat. Do it! Over 40? You should do it.
Under 40? I don’t recommend it, you gambling. You f*ckin’ gambling. Forty

and above? Go, read it! You will never read a more inconsistent and

unfocused conversation in your life. All my group chat conversations start off

the same. They all start off great. “Yo!” “You see that picture of Rihanna’s

ass?” “Goddamn.” “Shit!” “F*ck!” “I saw it.” Random question flies in the

chat. “If you run out of butter, what else can I put in the pan?” “What?” “I

ain’t got no butter, man.” “What else can I use?” “How’d you run out of

butter?” “I don’t know, but it’s gone.” Another statement flies in. “I can’t

even eat butter. It makes my gout act up.” “Gout?” “When you get gout?” “I

been had gout.” “I didn’t know you had gout.” “I told y’all I had gout.”

Another statement flies in the chat. “What the f*ck is gout?” A picture from

WebMD hit the chat. Pow! Description of gout and what the f*ck it can do.

“Goddamn, you got that?” Then the chat goes silent for five days. Don’t

nobody saying shit. Forty and up, the chat just die. Nobody ends it. Day six,

they pick up right where they left off. “What else make your gout act up?”

My friend Joey don’t know how to use emojis. That’s how she thought she

had somethin’ one time. You know, Joey’s the older one, Joey’s the one with

gout. We tease him all the time. “You gout-having b!tch.” We just tease him.

He was getting mad in the chat. “I’m tired of y’all teasin’ me all the time.”
“Y’all just mad I’m doing the right thing with my life.” “I’m getting healthy.”

“In fact, I’m ’bout to go get me a bunch of these right now.” He put five

eggplants back-to-back. Then he put… [chuckles] Then he put the tongue

emoji with the splash. I said, “What the f*ck… are you talking about, Joey?”

“What are you talking about right now?” “You just said you’re about to go

take five dicks to the face… [chuckles] and get them off. That’s what you just

said.” “No, I didn’t say that!” “Yes, you did.” “Five eggplants, tongue,

splash.” “You said you’re taking it to the face, finishing ’em off, that’s what

you just said.” F*ckin’ Joey.

Older you get, the more direct and honest you get. Me and my wife are at a

very direct and honest space in our relationship. Very honest. Very honest,

man. My wife told me the other day, “Honey, your sex is no longer what it

used to be.” To my f*ckin’ face! Ain’t this a b!tch? We’re in my home, I got

no problem being honest with y’all. To my f*ckin’ face. Told me my sex is

falling off. Know what my response was? “Happens.” That’s what I said.

“Happens.” I don’t give a shit. F*cking 41, I don’t got time to be f*ckin’ all

day. I’m tired. I’m tired. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have

good dick. I said it. That’s how I feel. That’s how I f*ckin’ feel. I’m not taking
it back. I said it. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick.

I told her, “Gotta pick one. You want this life or good dick?” “I’m not gonna

do both. Not doing both.” “I’m not giving you both. Pick one.” When I had

good dick, I was broke, I had nothing. I was out here f*cking for

transportation when I had good dick. F*ckin’ for tokens. Sick of walking. I

need to put down some good dick, get in somebody’s car around here. It was

cold in Philadelphia. You don’t know my life. Stop judging me. But because

you’re married, you gotta f*ckin’ compromise. Gotta meet you halfway. I told

her, “You feel like I need to do better sexually?” “Pick a date.” “Pick a date.”

On that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. You pick a date, on

that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. She picked the eighth of

every month. “All right. “You better buckle the f*ck up.” “I’m ’bout to drop

some dick on your ass like you never had.” “To thump your ass right now.

That’s exactly what I’mma do.”

It’s all fun and games until the week of. You get nervous as shit, man.

[chuckles] My friends saw it on my face, “You good?” “No, I ain’t good. I

gotta f*ck in five days, man.” Gotta f*ck her on the eighth. I was out here

drinking pineapple juice, eating celery. I don’t… I don’t know what the f*ck is
happening to me. Sweatin’. “Damn, man, I gotta f*ck in three days!”

Countdown. Felt like I had the NBA Finals coming up or some shit, huh?

Icing my legs, I didn’t know what was happening. The eighth came up, I did

a good job. -Gave out a batch of some good dick. -[scattered applause] Thank

you for the applause, I appreciate it. Very sad that you felt like you had to

clap there, but I’ll take it. “Thank God, Kevin. Jesus!” My honesty backfired

over there. Ooh! Oh. Gave out some good dick on the eighth. In true woman

fashion, on the ninth, she tried to get some more. It’s not our agreement.

That’s not the deal we made. I said one date. Every other day could be trashy

dick or not. You don’t f*ckin’ expect the same thing again. After my f*ckin’

bedtime, she come in 8:30 p.m., drunk as shit. It’s late. [all laugh] Trying to

wake me up, “Get up.” “Trying to get some dick.” “Trying to get more of

that eighth dick.” That’s what she said. [all laugh] “I want some more of that

eighth dick. Let me get some of that eighth dick.” I snap, “Get the f*ck off

me, get your hands off of me.” “Coming here this late at night waking me

up.” “Waking the dog up.” Older you get, you care more about the animals

than anything else. “The dog ain’t had a good night’s sleep in the last two

weeks, you come in here all loud?” “Pissed off, I’m very pissed off right now.”

Me and the dog went downstairs, slept. Slept in the guest f*cking room. “I’m
not gonna stay with you and your selfishness ’cause you want some more of

that eighth dick.” “You just lost a month is what you just did.” Took the next

eighth off the contract is what I did.

You know, honestly, what makes me laugh? Hearing other people talk about

sex. That’s enough for me. Hearing other people talk about sex is the

funniest shit in the world. Funniest people to listen to talk about sex is my

nephews. My nephews are 21, 22 years old. It’s the funniest shit that you’ll

ever hear, man. Funniest shit you’ll ever hear, but they don’t offer the

information, you gotta bait it out of them. You gotta set a trap, see if they fall

for it. I set the trap, they fall in every time. I just come in the room, hot. “Y’all

ain’t f*ckin’ yet.” They take the bait every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” Every

time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me. I know you ain’t

sayin’ I ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’!” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me.” “Go ahead,

Unc.” “You ain’t f*ckin’, b!tch.” “I know your young ass ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m

f*ckin’, Unc.” “Tell me what you doing.” “No, I ain’t telling you.” “‘Cause if

I tell you, you’ll put it in your comedy show.” “I ain’t talking about you, shut

up.” “What would I put you in my comedy show for?” “I got jokes, I don’t

need you.” “What you doing? Give me the nastiest thing that you’ve done.”
“No judging?” “No judging.” “F*ck I’mma judge you for?” “All right.”

“Nastiest thing I’ve done…” “Went to the movies with this girl.” “We go to

the movies, she tell me to get a large bucket of popcorn.” “I get the bucket of

popcorn, I sit down, she cut a hole in the bottom, told me put my dick

through the hole, gave me a butter beat-off.” I said, “What the f*ck?” Listen,

I caught myself, I had to act like I knew what it was. Ha-ha! Ah. “A butter

beat-off.” “I know that’s right.” “A butter beat-off.” You know you older

’cause you ask the wrong questions. “F*ck y’all get a large for? Why you waste

all that popcorn?” “You should’ve just got the small.” “It’s a $12, $14

difference, ain’t it? Why you get that?” “The butter don’t get in your hole?”

“That sound like an infection waiting to happen.” “It’s how you catch the

VID. You gonna get the VID.” “Get the ‘VID-19 doing that shit, putting the

butter in your hole.” “You don’t want the butter in your hole.” I ran home

and told my wife. “Ain’t gonna believe this shit.” “Terrence told me these kids

out here giving each other butter beat-offs.” She said, “They still doing that?”

I said, “What the f*ck is happening here?” “Who are you?” I don’t even

wanna know no more. You just stop right there. My kids better not be doing

it, I know that much. If I find out my kids are doing it, I’ll have a goddamn

fit. You can’t just ask your kids, though. You gotta, once again… You gotta set
the trap, see if they step in it. We at dinner, eating a good dinner at the house,

nice dinner. I throw the question out to my wife, “We should go to the

movies.” “Maybe you can give a butter beat-off.” I look right at my f*ckin’

daughter. Right at my daughter. Staring at her ass. She didn’t budge. She was

cool as a fan, eating her food and shit. I’ve never been more proud as a father.

Thank you, God. Thank you, God, she don’t even know what it is. Thank

you, God. Turn this way, my son was like, “Oh, yeah.”

[crowd laughing]

He said, “Yeah!” [chuckles] “You better get the large, Dad.” “You don’t want

that butter in the hole, you’ll catch the ‘VID!” “Again. You don’t want it

twice.” [chuckles] “You don’t want back-to-back cases of the ‘VID, Dad.”

My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date. Took her to a

dinner party. I’m not name-dropping, but this joke doesn’t make sense unless

I… drop the name. I went to Seinfeld’s house for a dinner party. Some of the

best food I’ve ever had. Food was f*ckin’ amazing, man. At the end of the

dinner party, Seinfeld came walking out. He was like, [imitates Seinfeld]

“Nobody go anywhere.” “You guys are in for a treat. Tonight… we’re gonna
have some brick-oven pizza.” [in normal voice] Everybody went crazy.

“What? Oh, my God! Brick-oven pizza?” “What?” One lady was like, “How

many cheeses, Jerry?” Jerry’s like, “Seven different cheeses.” “Seven different

cheeses.” People went crazy. By the way, all these people were white. These

are all f*ckin’ white people. They start chanting, “BOP!” The f*ck is “BOP,”

man? [chanting] “BOP!” What the f*ck is “BOP”? White woman leans over

the table, she was like, “It’s short for brick-oven pizza.” I was like, “Oh, shit.”

“Oh, shit.” “Oh, okay, I get it.” Seinfeld has some Italian men walk out. They

had pizza-like garb on. They start passing out the pizza saying Italian shit…

[imitating Italian accent] I don’t know Italian. [imitating Italian accent] It

just dawned on me, as I told that joke, what I’m doing is racist right now. I

apologize. [imitating Italian accent] People were eating the pizza, going crazy.

“Oh, my God. I taste the cheeses, Jerry.” “I taste the cheeses.” They brought

me my pizza. I took a bite. I couldn’t f*cking believe it. Best pizza I’ve ever

had in my life. Best f*cking pizza I’ve ever had. It had some type of lettuce on

it. I’ve never tasted this shit. Told my wife, “It’s got some type of lettuce on

it.” “Wait till you taste it.” This white woman leaned over again, she was like,

“It’s arugula.” “What?” “It’s arugula.” “Oh, shit.” I took another bite. I got

caught up. “BOP, BOP, BOP.” “BOP, BOP…” [chuckles]

What an amazing night. F*cking amazing night, from start to finish, man. In

the car, I was pissed. I was pissed, you know why? Because I wanted what

Seinfeld had. I wanted that f*cking moment, man. Seinfeld was known as the

brick-oven-pizza guy. He was known for something else outside of his fame. I

wanted that. What really pissed me off was that the same people who built

Seinfeld’s house built my house. Not once was I offered the option of getting

a brick pizza oven at my goddamn house. This was racism at the highest level.

It’s f*cking racist. The next morning comes, I call the contractors. I come in

hot, “You racist f*cks!” “For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option of getting a

brick pizza oven and not even bringing it up to me shows just how racist you

are.” “You better make it right or it’s gonna get worse for you.” I hang up the

phone. Pow! They call back, “What are you talking about?” “You know what

I’m talking about. Black lives matter.” Hung up again. Pow. Within a day,

they’re at my house. Had a blueprint of what my pizza oven can look like.

Within a week, I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my house. Once again,

I wanted what Seinfeld had. I invited all my friends over. I’m gonna have a

dinner party, just like Seinfeld did. All my friends finish eating. I come out at

the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did. “All right.” “Nobody go

anywhere because you guys are in for a treat tonight.” “We’re gonna have
some brick-oven pizza tonight.” You hear murmurs around the room. “F*ck

is he talking about? I ain’t eating no pizza off no brick.” Everybody at my

party is Black. These are all Black people. “You better order Domino’s. I’m

not eating that shit.” [Kevin chuckles] I said, “Now, I know what you’re

thinking.” “How many cheeses?” “Seven different cheeses.” More murmurs.

“I’m lactose intolerant. I’m not eating all that f*cking cheese.” “Everyone

knows you only put that much cheese on macaroni.” “I’m not gonna eat

that. What’s his problem?” I said, “Everybody get up. Let’s go outside ’cause

that’s where the brick-oven pizza is.” More murmurs. “It’s cold as shit

outside. I’m not going outside.” Black people got a response for every f*cking

thing. “I’m not gonna do that. I’m not going outside.” I said, “Come on,

everybody, say it with me, [chanting] ‘BOP, BOP, BOP.'” My friend Jamal

stood up in the back, “Oh, if you got some BOP outside, I’m going.” Na’im

said, “What the f*ck is BOP?” He said, “Man, he got some big old pussy out

there. I’m goin’.” I said, “No, Jamal, ain’t no big old pussy out there.” “Yes, it

is. That’s what BOP is.” “No, it’s not.” “Yes, it is. I was with you.” “We was

in Atlanta, that big b!tch said, ‘Wanna see my BOP?'” “What’s that?” “And

she was like, ‘Big old pussy.'” “And me and you start tipping her.” “I ain’t got

no ones but I want to see it again.”

Everybody left. I never got my moment. I did not get my moment. Keep in

mind, I wanted that. I wanna be known for something outside my f*cking

fame, man. I wanted be known as Kevin Hart, the brick-oven-pizza guy, and

the moment was gone. I had to find a new hobby. Searched hard for a new

hobby, too. I was road biking for a minute. Getting miles in on the bike. I

stopped, though. The reason why I stopped, I didn’t like the way my dick

looked in the outfit. True story. Looked like I had a clit, I didn’t like it.

‘Tween that and the long balls, it was a bad combination. Shit just didn’t look

right. When you stop at a light, you gotta click out. [chuckles] You gotta

snap out, like, “Hey, what’s up?” Cars were slowing down. “F*ck you slowing

down for, man? Get out here! Stop looking.” This lady slowed down. It was

7 a.m. I said, “You get outta here. I know what you want.” “Daywalker. Get

your ass out of here.” “Ain’t no dicks out here for you, lady. Get out of here,

daywalker.” “Get out of here.”

I started boxing. Boxing became a hobby. I started boxing because I felt like

it was something I could get better at every day. Every day, I can get good. It’s

me against me. Went and found a trainer. The guy had amazing talent

underneath his belt. Golden Glove fighters, Junior Olympics… I mean,

there’s so much, lightweight champions. I said, “I know you’re not working

now, but I’ll pay you good money to train me.” He said, “If you take me on,

I’ll make you the best fighter ever.” I said, “That’s too much.” “I don’t want

that. I just want to get good.” He said, “Done.” He became my trainer. Gotta

be honest with you. He was f*cking good. Made me good. Told me shit I

thought I would never hear. Compared me to boxers I’ve never heard of, but

it still was a compliment. Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty

Lou Earl. He’s like, “Kevin, do you know who that is?” I said, “No, I do

not.” He said, “I’mma bring you a tape.” “You got a VCR?” “No, I do not.”

Then he made me laugh when I told him I didn’t have one. He was like…

[grunts] Like I was in the wrong year. “Can’t believe you don’t have a VCR.

Goddamn.” “Why do you still have a VCR, sir?” Told me I have one of the

best jabs he’s ever seen. He said, “Your jab reminds me of lightning coming

from your shoulders.” “Lightning coming from your f*cking shoulders.” He

said, “You thought about fighting?” I said, “No.” “What about sparring?” I

said, “No, but I would.” “That’s all I need to hear. Tomorrow. 6 a.m. I’ll set

you up.” “You need to see how good you are.” 6 a.m., I come to the gym. He

got a guy there, my height, my build. Got my head gear, my codpiece, my

mouthpiece. Puts it all on me. Starts putting Vaseline all on my face and my

headgear. I said, “What’s this for?” He said, “So the punches slide off.”

[crowd laughs]

“Well, we never talked… Okay.” “We didn’t discuss that, but all right.” “Okay.

If that’s what it’s gonna do, then that’s what it’s gonna do.” He’s done

putting Vaseline on. Walks out the ring. I said, “Wait, you didn’t do him yet.”

He said, “He’s okay. He don’t need it.” “Huh. All right.” That’s weird. Okay,

whatever. I’m gonna go with the flow. He said, “We’re gonna do three

three-minute rounds.” “Nobody’s here to hurt anybody.” “Have a good time.

Keep it loose.” He yells out, “Take it easy on him.” I assume he’s talking to

me. Gotta be talking to me. I yelled back, “Gotcha, coach.” Put a confident

laugh behind it. “Ha, ha!” We get to our corners. The bell rings. Ding. I come

out. I want him to see that I could fight. You could tell I can fight by the way

I hold my shoulders. Look how I’m moving. Hmm? My feet are spaced apart.

Look at my foot move. Look how I’m moving, b!tch. This ain’t gonna be no

cakewalk. Mmm-hmm. Yeah, you see it. He flatfooted. Oh! He’s not even on

the balls of his foot. I’m gonna whoop his ass. I’m getting more confidence as

I move around. My coach says, “Kevin, stop playing. Let your hands go.” All
right. “Ask and you shall receive.” I hope he got the Weather Channel, ’cause

this is about to be some lightning. When you throw a jab, you take a step.

Take a step, let the jab go at the same time. Turn it over. Every time. [mimics

punch] That’s how you throw it. I take my step. I’m about to turn it over.

I’m right here. Here it is. About to turn that b!tch over. You better brace

yourself. Here it come. Ooh. It’s coming. Right here. I’m right here, but I’m

about to get here. Here I am, but I’m about to get right there. You better

brace yourself. I’m right here. Before I did that… [knocking] he hit me. I

immediately lost my vision. Immediately. I went blind immediately. Couldn’t

see shit. Everything was black. Aah… I read that you could get brain damage

or die from a punch. I just lost my f*cking vision. I don’t have eyesight no

more. I can’t see. I panicked. I turned around. I’ve been known to do this

move several times. I start punching backwards. I’ve talked about it in my

past specials. I’m a backwards puncher. When I panic, I f*cking start

punching. My trainer said, “Kevin, throw the jab, throw the jab!” I said, “For

what, liar?” It ain’t lightning unless he’s a storm tracker, okay? Because this is

f*cking ridiculous. I’m blind. I can’t see shit. Aah! I’m blind. “Ring the bell.

Ring the f*cking bell.” The bell rings. I can’t get to the corner. I gotta follow

his voice to the corner. Aah! As I get to the corner, my trainer, he’s like,
“What’s wrong?” I said, “I’m blind. I can’t f*cking see.” He just lift my head

gear up… Apparently, when he hit me, he knocked my head gear over my

eyes. It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it the whole time. He’s

like, “Why didn’t you lift it up?” I said, “Because we never went over that in

practice.” “I think you put too much Vaseline on me.” “That’s why I was

sliding all over the place.” “Sliding all over the f*cking place. I don’t wanna do

this no more.” “You’re just gonna quit?” “I don’t call it that, “I just wanna do

something else.” “What you gonna tell him?” I said, “I’m never talking to

him again in my f*cking life.” “My lawyer will talk to him. He’s going to jail.”

“I bet you that. He’s going to f*cking jail after this.” “What he did to me

tonight was assault. That’s what the f*ck this was.” “Assault at the highest

level.”

I quit. Walked away from boxing that day. Walked away. Never went back.

Later on, I decided to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl. I went and

found this guy. I wanted to know who he was. Who are you comparing me

to? After that display of boxing that I gave, I wanted to see who the f*ck was

like me or who was I like? Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm. He was a

handicapped fighter. He was one in thirty-eight. His one win came from
disqualification. He got knocked out, they kicked him in the face. That’s why

they gave him the “W.” He had a squeaky voice. So my trainer was talking

about my voice all this time. It had nothing to do with my fighting style. Just

so happened to compare me to a handicapped fighter. I know, I’m gonna get

a lot of shit after this joke from f*cking one-armed people. I guess, they’ll

cancel me next, I don’t know. Good news is their rally won’t last long ’cause

they can’t hold them signs for too long. [chuckles] ‘Cause they only got

one… [chuckles] They’re gonna get tired. They gotta put them arms down.

Unless they coordinate it right with the equal amount of right hands and left

hands, they’re not gonna get their message across to cancel me. So… that’s

some good news. Maybe I should take that one out. Let’s take that one out.

I’m gonna get canceled for that one. F*ck it. I’m in my house. I’m gonna say

what the f*ck I want.

It’s a joke.

[crowd applauding]

It’s a joke. I was so happy, man, after that spar, because that was the first sign

that I was back to myself of old. I started sparring after my accident. You guys
don’t know, a year ago, I got into a really bad car accident. Almost f*cking

died, man. Damn near paralyzed. A lot of bad shit happened. I was in a

hospital for a minute. Thought about a lot. ‘Cause I thought about a lot, I

can now ask you things that I know you haven’t thought about. Question

number one is, do you have an ass wiper in your life? Think about it. An ass

wiper. Somebody that will wipe your ass if shit hit the fan for the rest of your

life, if need be. You don’t think you need it until you f*cking need it. After

surgery, I didn’t go to the bathroom for eight days. I was constipated. They

wouldn’t let me leave until I went to the bathroom. Had to make sure my

organs were working. I had somebody by my side every single day. On day

nine, there was a 20-minute gap when I was by myself. During this gap, it felt

like somebody threw a stick of dynamite in my f*cking stomach and that

b!tch exploded. Boo! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I gotta go. I gotta go to the f*cking

bathroom. Can’t move my legs. I can’t move my arms. There’s nobody there.

I start pressing the help button. “Help!” “Help! Help!” “Help! Somebody

gotta help!” José came running in the room. José was a 60-year-old Mexican

nurse. “What’s up, my friend?”

[crowd laughing]
“José.” “I gotta go to the bathroom, man, now.” “I gotta go right now.”

“Okay. I got you, man. I’ll take care of you. I’ll get you good.” José grabbed

my legs, grabs my upper body, picks me up, sits me on the toilet that was

right next to the bed. After he sits me on the toilet, José took two giant steps

backwards, [grunts] folded his arms, was looking me in the eye, rocking back

and forth like this. “Oh, no.” “The f*ck is happening, José?” “I gotta go, man.

Why you still here?” Then it dawned on me, “Oh, my God, José’s gotta wipe

my ass.” “Oh, this is rock bottom. This is it.” “This is rock f*cking bottom.

I’m here. It can’t get worse than this.” When I say that, José decides to say

things that make me feel better. “Don’t worry, man. I’m gonna wipe you

good, okay?” “I’m gonna wipe you good, okay, man?” “I got you. You’re in

good hands with me. I’mma wipe you good, okay, man?” At this point, I’m

f*cking in disbelief. I just can’t believe what’s happening. I can’t hold it. I just

go. I start going. José decides to cheer me on. “Good, good, good.” “You

gotta get it out, man.” “Eight days’ a long time for anybody, man.” I get done

going, José grabs my right arm, rolls me over. José starts wiping my ass. At

this point, a single tear rolls down my f*cking cheek. I’m crying. The reason

I’m crying is because my arms are numb, my legs are numb. But I couldn’t

figure out why God would leave feeling in the space of my ass. Why not
numb that up, too? Why let me feel what the f*ck is happening? At the

lowest point of my life, why feel José wiping my ass? Crying uncontrollably at

this point. José decides to say something else. “It’s okay, man. This is crazy,

man. I know.” “Imagine how I feel, man.” “I can’t believe I’m wiping Kevin

Hart’s ass, man.”

[crowd laughs and applauds]

“This is crazy.” -“It’s my first famous ass, man.”

[crowd cheering]

Guys, this has been such an amazing night of f*cking comedy. Dude, it’s been

such a great night.

[all cheering]

Such a great, intimate night. We shared so much. I love it. It’s such a different

vibe. It’s a comfortable vibe. It’s a sexy vibe. More importantly, it was a vibe

that I got to be myself in, but I don’t want you guys to leave with just some
laughter from jokes. I feel like I can give you more. I want you to know me

for more, okay? ‘Cause I got more. I got more.

[crowd applauding] With that being said, I hope you guys are ready for some

BOP. Bring out the BOP. That’s right. Brick-oven pizza for everybody. BOP!

Yes, that’s right. I got some BOP for you.

I see you.

[all applauding] [all chanting]

BOP! Yes! Thank you guys so much. What an amazing night.

[chanting] BOP! BOP!

[gasps]

What’s wrong with you, boy?

I just had the the craziest dream.

Oh, my gosh.

No, it was crazy. It’s okay. No, it’s not. I dreamt that I was on stage, and I was

doing stand up about stuff that I would never say. I called my daughter a ho. I

called my son dumb. I said I don’t like private school and the plant-based

community was wilin’. -[sputters] -All right. I went through this whole phase

where I said I was at Seinfeld’s house. I ain’t never been to Seinfeld’s house. I

said, I said– Go back to sleep.

You were just having a bad nightmare.

[groans] Just a nightmare, right?

Yeah. It was just… It was just a nightmare. Yes, go back to sleep, please. You

ever had BOP? No?

[hip-hop music playing]

Gun Compartment | Transcript

Kevin Hart acts out fantasy scenarios of drawing guns on

intruders in his home.

Kevin Hart acts out fantasy scenarios of drawing guns on intruders

in his home.​

From his special, Irresponsible, which was released on April 2, 2019

as a Netflix Original.

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I don’t really like having company over

my house. I don’t. The reason why… is because my house got robbed.

Whenever your house gets robbed, it messes with you mentally. It’s all about
protecting my household. I’m the man of the house. I’m going to protect my

household. So I went out. I bought nine guns. Put them in secret

compartments all over my house.

Understand something. You cannot put guns in secret compartments in your

house without playing out fake scenarios in your head that help justify you

putting the guns in these places. This is where you go crazy. I was in the

house for three hours by myself, acting out shit that never happened.

Oh… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob

me at the front door? – Okay… Okay. – [tense action music begins] I’ma give

you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me check the

mailbox one last time. Gun compartment.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re going to do me? Huh? You going to rob

me in the guest bathroom? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma

give you what you want. Just let me wipe my ass one last time. Gun

compartment.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in

the kitchen while I’m cooking for my family on Thanksgiving? Okay. Okay.

I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me open

the oven and check on the turkey one last time. Gun compartment.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob

me in the living room while I’m sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace,

masturbating? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what

you want. Just let me log off of PornHub one last time. Gun compartment.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [laughs] This… This how you’re gonna do me? You

gonna… You’re going to rob me in the laundry room while taking… while I’m

taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer?

Okay. Okay. Alright, we got… Oh… No I gotta… I gotta get through it. Let

me get through it. This is my favorite joke, alright. You… [choking with

laughter] You… You gonna rob me in the laundry room? While I’m taking

my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay.

Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just… just

let me add some fabric softener sheets. Gun compartment.

Yeah, nine guns all over the house. Then I got robbed again in the one spot

that I forgot to put a gun. So I spent the whole time I was getting robbed

trying to get them to go where the guns were. Come on man, fuck! Agh.

[high-pitched] That’s how you’re gonna do me? Don’t nobody got to use the

guest bathroom? Come on, man. I’ll wipe your butt. I’ll wipe your butt,

please! Please… Y’all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs? Don’t nobody

want no left-over turkey? It’s in the oven. At least let me masturbate on the

couch one last time. Come on, man. I ain’t gay. I’m just trying to have a good

time. Don’t do me like this. Let me get my clothes out the washing machine

and put them in the dryer. Are you gonna let my clothes mildew, you selfish

son of a bitch. [chuckling]

Irresponsible (2019) – Transcript

Kevin Hart's Netflix Special "Irresponsible" is essentially a running

list of stories about him messing up and the various ways he tried

to play it off or begrudgingly apologize.

[heartbeat]

[indistinct chatter]

[atmospheric whooshing]

[audience cheering] It’s showtime, honey?

Babe, I’m gone.

[woman] Coming.

Alright.

See you later. [girl] Love you. Showtime, baby, let’s go. Show time, bro.

[heartbeat] I’ll see you on the other side, baby.

[man] Let’s go bro, let’s do what you do. – Have a good show, chief. – Thank

you, sir.

[man] Go get it, Kev.

Good.

Let’s go, baby. Mom, I know you’re watching over me. I’ll know you’re

proud. In your name we pray, amen.

[accelerated heartbeats]
[audience cheers rising]

Showtime!

[thunderbolt]

My last joke just went viral!

[Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” starts]​

♪ Right stroke put lil’ baby in a spiral​

♪ Soprano C We like to keep it on a high note ♪​

♪ Its levels to it, you and I know ♪​

♪ Bitch, be humble Sit down ♪

God dammit, London y’all can do better than that. Y’all better make some

fucking noise.

[crowd erupts]
♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ I’m gonna ask y’all one more

time. Y’all better make some fucking noise one time. ♪ Be humble (bitch)

(Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪

Welcome, welcome to the “Irresponsible” tour. We’re about to have a good

time. Uh… The name is “Irresponsible” for a lot of reasons. We’ll get into all

those reasons as the show goes on. I don’t really like to waste time. I feel like

when I’m out here, we might as well get to the shit. Let’s just… let’s just get to

the shit. Okay?

Let’s talk about my first irresponsible move this year. My uh… My first

irresponsible move this year actually involves my kids. My kids caught me and

my wife fucking. Let’s just start… Let’s just start here. There’s no real way to

ease into it. So I just got to go for it. Okay? Both kids. Both kids caught us

fucking. If it was one, it wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was both. My

son saw us first. I saw him when he saw us ’cause he called his sister. He’s like,

“Come here! Hurry up! Come here!” The crazy thing is, I couldn’t even get

mad. I couldn’t get mad at them because they came in my room based off of a

rule that I put in place. I don’t like locked doors in my house. Don’t lock

your goddamn door. The worst thing in the world for a parent is to not be
able to get in his child’s room when he wants to. Don’t lock your goddamn

door! Especially my daughter. I told her, “Lock that door again, I promise

you I’ll kick the door down. Don’t lock that goddamn door again.” I go to

my daughter’s room, the door’s locked. I said, “What did I say I’d do? Didn’t

I say I’d kick the door down?” She said “Wait, I’m almost finished.” [laughs]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! In my mind, I thought the worst. In my mind,

she was cooking cocaine. That’s what I believe. She’s got to be. You know

why? You know why I thought the worst? I thought the worst because I

know what I was doing as a child whenever I was in my room when my door

was closed. When I was in my room with the door closed, I was always doing

the worst shit possible on the other side of the goddamn door. Every time my

mom bust into my room, true story people, my dick was always in my hand. I

swear to God, every time. “What are you doing, boy?” “Ahhh!” “Ahhh!”

“Ah!” One time, she came in and I had my dick in this hand and I had

matches in this hand. I don’t know what was about to happen, but she got

there right on time. I told her there was about to be a hot dick in this

bathroom. I was going to set this dick on fire. “Ahh!”

The worst thing about my kids catching us having sex is that we were having

sex in positions that you couldn’t play off. You know there’s some sexual

positions that you can play off. There’s a lot of couples here tonight. I see you

with your lady, sir. If you and your lady are having sex and your lady laying

on the side and your kids come and bust in the room, you can play that off.

All you got to do is sit up, act like you’re watching TV. Hey! Hey! Get the

fuck out here. Don’t come back in here till we done watching TV. If you real

good and you got your bottom half covered up, when you sit up, you can

technically keep fucking while you talking. Hey, hey! Get your ass out the

goddamn room. Don’t come in the goddamn room. Your lady be trying to

talk. “Don’t come in here. This is my favorite part of the show.” You can play

it off. Missionary, you can play that off. You having sex in the missionary

position and your kids come and bust in the room. All you got to do is fall

down and collapse on your lady. [pretends to snore] Make it look like you

asleep. Kids are stupid, they’ll believe it. Shhh! Doggie style is tough. That’s a

tough one. Ass naked doggy style in the middle of the bed. That’s tough to

playoff. You’re caught, like… What do you do? What… What do you do? Oh,

shit! You got one move. You got one move. You gotta make it look like you

playing American football just.. hut hut! Hut, hut, hut! Get your ass out
here. We’re going over football plays. Get out of here. We’re playing a couple

down the street this week. Get your ass up out of here.

My biggest fear was I didn’t want my kids to try to talk to me about what

they saw. Please God. Don’t let my kids talk to me about the shit that they

saw. I’m a firm believer in letting information float in the air and disappear. I

don’t like to talk about it. Let it float in the air and disappear. I go downstairs

and see my son in the kitchen. My son gave me a look that said that he

wanted to ask me about what he just saw. I gave him a look back that said,

“Don’t you fucking ask me about nothing that you just saw.” I knew he

wasn’t really gonna try to ask me, ’cause he got in trouble at school earlier

that week. I had to take my son’s phone from him, which is the worst thing

to do to a child. Taking a kid’s phone is detrimental to a child’s lifestyle. As

soon as I took his phone, he immediately turned into a crackhead instantly.

Instantly! I said, “Give me the phone. You’re not getting the phone till you

get your shit together.” I snatched the phone. He broke down. He said,

[quavering voice] “Come on, Daddy, don’t do me like that.” [chuckles] He

starts moving. “Don’t do me like that, Daddy.” He said, “Take my leg

instead. Take my leg.” “What? Boy, give me the goddamn phone. You’re not
getting the phone back till you get your shit together.” When I take the

phone, I say to myself, “You know what? I need to go through my son’s

phone. I need to see what my son has been talking about on his goddamn

phone.” It’s irresponsible on my part, as a parent to not know what’s on my

son’s phone. I gotta go through the phone. I realize I don’t have the code. I

don’t got the thumbprint, the face ID, nothing. I gotta go back to this little n

i g g a and ask him to put the damn code in the phone. “Put the code in so I

can see what you been talking about.” Straight-faced, my son said, “No, man,

I ain’t going to do it.” Uh, what? “Put the code in before I punch you in the

fucking throat.” That’s what I said. I said that. He took off running. Like he

don’t live in this house. Like I’m not gonna see him at dinner in ten minutes.

“Ain’t nobody chasing you. Gimme the code to the phone before I kick you

in the back.” Swear to God, from downstairs, all I heard was, “Fuck you!”

[elongated] Oh! I’m gonna kill him. I’m about to kill him. I run downstairs,

grab my son by the neck. I start choking the shit out of my son. “What the

fuck you say to me?” He couldn’t breathe. He was, “argh!” He said, “That’s

the code! The code is ‘Fuck you.'” Oh. “That’s a good code son. That’s a

good code. Is it Y-O-U or the letter U? How you spell it? I scratched your
neck up real good. I apologize. I’m gonna get you a turtleneck, so you don’t

have to go to school looking like that. I’m sorry.”

My kid’s are getting older. Daughter’s 13, my son is ten now. Older they get,

the more the arguments escalate. I caught my kids cursing at each other the

other day. This shit made me laugh. If you’re a parent here tonight, and you

don’t think your kids curse, you’re a stupid parent. You’re stupid. As soon as

you walk out the house, your kids let it fly. Fuck, mother bitch, shit, dick,

pussy, asshole, bitch. It don’t even go together. They say it at the same time.

[laughter] I heard my daughter going off on my son, giving him the business.

I’m asleep. I’m laying on the couch. She’s snapping. “I’m sick of your shit,

Hendricks. You keep fucking with me, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said,

“Goddamn. Wait a minute. What the hell is going on in there?” I don’t want

to blow my cover ’cause I want to hear what my son says back. I want to hear

my son’s rebuttal. My son is exactly like me when I was a child. We’re

identical, we’re exactly the same. My son is such a bitch. He’s such a bitch.

This is what my son said. My son goes… “Honestly, really, then what,

nothing. So why are we talking about it? Okay.” What? He… He stormed off

like he won. Okay. In my son’s defense though, man, he’s got it bad. I don’t
know what it is about older sisters and their younger brothers. Older sisters

love to whip up on their younger brothers. I don’t know why, it’s a real thing.

She dragged him down the steps the other day. I didn’t see it, I heard it. I just

heard my son. He was like, “Oh, God, not again.” [bumping sounds] Just

heard the fucking steps.

But she’s a tough girl. My daughter’s not a little girly girl. She’s a little

tomboy, man. She’s a tough fucking girl. She just got her period not too long

ago. Took it like a champ. Shoulder-shrugged it like it was nothing. I was

nervous. I was nervous ’cause I knew it was coming. I saw the signs:

emotions, feelings all over the goddamn place. I tried to prepare for this

period as if it was an earthquake. I went out… I bought a bunch of

emergency period kits, put them in jacket pockets, her book bags. My fear

was I didn’t want my baby to get the blood butt at school. That was my fear.

If your baby get the blood butt, you got to relocate. You can’t send that child

back to that school. You gotta fucking get a new school, you gotta move.

There’s a bunch of expenses that go into that problem. She came downstairs,

she caught me off guard. She was like, “Dad, I think my period’s on.” I

panicked. “Fuck! Right now? Is it happening right now?” She said,

“Mm-hm, something’s coming down my leg.” Oh! All my training went out

the window. I said, “Go in the kitchen, get a gallon of milk, drink it. Hurry

up. It’ll freeze the blood up.” I don’t know where I got that from. I pulled

that out my ass. I opened up a maxi-pad like it was a grenade. I said, “Argh!”

Argh! [laughs] I fucking missed! Shit stuck to her face. It was bad. That was a

bad situation.

You know what I love the most about my kids? I love that my kids don’t add

stress to my life. I got enough stress going on as it is. I’m on marriage number

two. That within itself is stressful. The reason why, sir, is because this

marriage has to work. It has to! You don’t want to get to marriage three, four,

and five. When you get there, at that point, you’re not even looking for love.

You’re just looking for a death buddy. You’re looking for somebody to die

with. You try and die together? Yes or no? I’ll die with you, if you die with

me. Crazy thing about my relationship is that it’s on display. Everybody can

see it, everybody can judge it. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care. It’s the bed I

made for myself, I lay in it. What makes me laugh is when people act like they

live my life. Like you walk in my shoes. Shit hit the fan for me and my

marriage. Everybody had an opinion. Ugh, ugh, ugh! “Kevin Hart did it
again. Kevin Hart fucked up again.” I want to make something clear to

everyone here tonight. I did not fuck up again. Okay? In my first marriage, I

filed for a divorce. That means I chose to leave. That means I made a better

decision for me and my life. That’s not fucking up. That’s me moving on.

Okay? Now, this time, I fucked up. This was fucking up, yes. Yes. But I don’t

like it when people act like you plan to fuck up. Nobody plans to fuck up.

That’s why it’s called a fuck-up. You don’t walk outside, like, today is the

perfect day for a fuck-up. I’m, I’m… I’m fucking up all day today. This is

fuck-up weather, that’s what this is. That’s not how it happens! The

important thing is to learn from it.

You got to learn from your fuck-ups. Lesson number one that I learned, is

that whatever happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas! Don’t believe that

shit! That commercial’s a goddamn lie. It should be taken off the television.

For the first time in my life, I had to look in a mirror. Had to look in a mirror.

I had to have a conversation with myself. “Goddamnit, Kevin. What are you

doing? What are you doing? You’re almost 40 years old, you’re still doing the

same dumb shit, grow up! Grow up!” Me realizing I had to grow up meant

that I had to go back to my wife, make my wife feel secure and understanding
that I was done doing the dumb shit. That put me in heavy

“kiss-my-wife’s-ass” mode. That’s a bad place to be, fellas. I don’t know if

you’ve been there, but it’s a fucked up place. You do the same thing everyday.

“Yep, yep, yep, whatever you need.” This is all you do. “Yep, yep, yep. I got it,

I got it. I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” Every day. With that being said,

you’re now fighting for your woman’s security. Now when you try to fight to

make sure your woman feels secure, you end up being insecure as a man. The

reason why is because you’re questioning yourself. Is she happy? Is she

satisfied? Is the sex still good? I’m gonna ask her. No, I can’t. If I ask her, I

look weak. Now you start searching.

True story. I went out, I bought a mirror, put it on my ceiling for no reason

at all. It was a Tuesday, true story. You don’t do no shit like that on a

Tuesday. That’s a weekend move. Not a Tuesday move. It was all good until

I caught a reflection of myself in that mirror when we were fucking. Let me

tell you something, people. Whatever you think you look like when you

fucking, I promise you, you don’t look like that. I promise you. I’m not

talking about you posing in front of the mirror. I’m talking about an

unexpected glimpse of yourself in the goddamn mirror. I saw the bottom of

my feet. I have never been more disgusted with myself as a man until I saw

the bottom of my goddamn feet. My feet were black as shit. Where was I at? I

didn’t wear shoes today? Jesus Christ! I wouldn’t fuck nobody with feet like

this! It’s disgusting. My back was ashy, I had bumps on my ass. When did my

ass break out like this? Had a full batch of measles on my ass and didn’t know

it. I immediately booked a doctor’s appointment. “Y’all gotta fix this. I got

braille on my butt, this is disgusting.”

Whenever you go through any insecurities, especially when it comes to sex, as

a man, we all turn to the same place for answers. Every man in this room has

turned to porn at some point in time. Stupidest shit that a man can do.

Here’s why I say it’s stupid. We don’t give people that do porn enough credit

and enough respect. Those people are professional actors and actresses.

That’s what they do for a living. You can’t just watch that shit and go home

and try it. It don’t work like that. That’s like watching a karate movie, going

outside, getting in a fight, telling everybody to back up so you can

roundhouse kick this n i g g a in the head. You don’t know how to do that

kick. It’s the same thing with porn. I’m not speaking from a hypothetical

place. I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I’ve tried it. I watched porn with my wife.
Tried to do the shit that I saw. I was nervous about it. I was having a

conversation with myself. Should I do it? Should I fucking do it? Should I try

it? I had good Kevin on this side. Bad Kevin was on this side. Good Kevin

popped up. Good Kevin had on a pair of khakis and a v-neck sweater. He

said, “Absolutely not. Don’t do it. That’s a good woman. You talk to her

first.” Bad Kevin popped up. Bad Kevin had on a pair of leather pants and a

fishnet tank top. He was doing this, “Bad, Kevin.” Bad, Kevin said, “You

going to listen to a man with khakis on? No, no!” He said, “Do it then, do

it!” Out of nowhere, I spit on my wife. Puh! It was quick. Right in the

fucking forehead. Puh! A loogie right on her goddamn forehead. [woman

cackles] There was an awkward beat of silence. Nobody said nothing. It was

quiet. Out of nowhere, she was like, “You just fucking spit on me!” The

complete opposite reaction from the lady in the porn. The lady in the porn

went crazy when it happened. She was like… [whimpering] Ooooh! Ooooh!

This spit making me so hot! Oh! This spit gonna make me cum. Oh! In my

mind, I was like, “That’s how you make them cum.” You gotta spit on their

fucking heads. I’ve been doing it wrong all this time. I even told my wife,

“You’re not doing it right. You got to rub it in. That’s how you fucking
cum.” I had to go downstairs, get a baby wipe. Clean her head off. That was

embarrassing. I go to get back in the bed. She want to talk about it.

What did I tell you guys? I don’t like to talk. Let it float in the air and

disappear. I don’t want to talk about it. As soon as I get in the bed, she was

like, “Did you really just spit on me?” I almost lied, I almost lied. Even

though I know that she know that I know I did it, I almost fucking lied. The

reason why is because bad Kevin popped back up. Bad Kevin was like… “Say

it was a leak in the ceiling.” I said, “Now get… the hell out of here bad

Kevin.” “Yes. Yes. I spit on you. Why? I don’t know. I was watching porn, I

saw some shit, I tried it.” She said, “Kevin let me tell you something. I don’t

care if you watch porn. Don’t be stupid enough to bring the shit you saw in

our house.” She said, “I watch porn all the time. I don’t try to do the shit that

I saw to you.” I said, “Er… Back the fuck up. When did this become a

[shouting] whorehouse? The hell you mean you watching porn? What the

hell are you watching?” She’s like, “Everything.” [echoing] Argh! Instantly, it

got hurt. The reason why it hurt me is because I fucking couldn’t separate my

pride from reality. This is a problem that all men have. See, reality is, if she

wants to watch porn, she can. If I want to watch porn, I can. That’s how it
should be. But my pride… my pride won’t let it be that way. My pride wanted

to know what she was watching. I want to see it. Let me see it with my eyes. I

want to see it. She said, “You want to see it?” “Let me see it.” She got her

laptop, opened it up. She said, “My porn search is in my cookies. All you got

to do is search my cookies.” I said, “You better get me a glass of milk ’cause

I’m about to eat all these goddamn cookies.” The shit that I saw hurt my

heart. It hurt me. The reason why is because her porn search was the

complete opposite of who I am. Everything I saw was big. Everything was

big. Big balls to the walls, big bats on big blacks, big cocks and socks. What

the fuck is going on? One of the sites wasn’t even porn. It was a bunch of tall

men being active. They were changing light bulbs, putting shit on shelves,

hanging paintings. What kind of sick shit is this? What the fuck is this? She

was like, “You can’t do none of that stuff, I like that stuff.” Agh! [chuckles] I

went out and bought me one of them grab sticks after that. You know those

sticks? They got the claw on it, so you can grab stuff. I went and bought one.

I didn’t tell her. I just put it under my bed, waited for the next time we were

having sex. I was like, “Yo. You know this picture by the bed is crooked.” She

was like… “Don’t worry about it, we’ll get somebody to come and fix it.” I
was like, “Or not.” And I fucking… I got the stick. She was like…

[whimpering] Ohhhh! “You fucking like that shit? You like that shit?”

Grab stick saved my marriage is what I’m trying to tell you all, man. It’s

important to understand that you go through levels in life. There’s tons of

levels, man. As you go through these levels, fucking just understand what

they were, and become better. I’m gonna give you guys one gem. If you take

nothing from this show tonight, take this one piece of information with you.

So many people are on this journey to live a perfect life. I personally think it’s

stupid. The reason why I say it’s stupid is because you have no idea what

perfection is, unless you’ve experienced imperfection. The point that I’m

making, is that you should embrace your flaws and fuck-ups because they

help make you who you’re supposed to be. Don’t run away from your

bullshit. Embrace it and become better. – That’s my message. – [crowd

applauding]

Now… right now… right now, we’re actually at a new stage. We just had a

baby. Nine months ago. Kenzo Kash Hart, man. Thank you. Father of three!

Father of three now. Now, here’s the thing. People thought I was playing

around when I first talked about it, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know if I really
wanted to have another baby. I felt like I did it. I got the best of both worlds.

I got a boy. I got to girl. We’re married. “My kids are your kids. You got kids.

Those are your kids.” She was like, “I know but they’re old. I want new

ones.” “First of all, listen to me. Don’t talk about my fucking kids like they’re

used cars. Ain’t nothing wrong with these goddamn kids.” She’s like, “I

know I just want new ones.” The thing is, I didn’t know if I had the patience

to deal with kids. That two year old age, you need patience to deal with a

two-year-old baby. All you do is repeat yourself all goddamn day to a

two-year-old child. You say the same shit over and over again. Hey, hey, come

here, look at me. Hey. Look at me. What did I say? No. Come here, look at

me, hey, look at me. What did I… no! Come here, look at me. Hey, hey, what

did I… look at me. What did I say? What? No, come here. Look… Hey, hey.

Look at… you want to get, ah! You want to… no! Come here, look at me.

Ain’t nobody got time to do that shit all day.

Ladies, stop assuming that every man has that patience because we don’t. We

don’t have the patience. Another thing ladies… Stop making these old ass

men have these fucking babies. I was at a park. I saw a 63-year-old man with a

two-year-old baby. It was sad. He was treating the baby like a loose basketball
at the playground. “Hey, hey, grab that baby, hey, goddamn. Ah! Fucking

back! Goddamn! Somebody grab that, baby. Throw that baby back.” But he

was a cool old head. You know, those old head that are stuck in that era? In

this era right here? He was cool as shit. He did not know how to work none

of the baby shit. So he was trying to get my attention. He was like, “Hey, hey.

Youngblood! Hey, youngblood, let me holler at you real quick, hey.

Youngblood. [sings] Stay it! [normal] Youngblood, let me holler at you real

quick. – [crowd erupts] – Let me holler at you, youngblood. I got the stroller

up, but I can’t get it down. It’s like a hard dick on a good night. Hello. Give

me some. Come on now, youngblood. Give me some. You know, what I’m

talking about.” I said, “Look, it’s a tap and release. All you do is tap the

middle section and the stroller gone collapse.” He said, “Show me how to do

it, youngblood.” I tapped the stroller, the stroller collapsed. He lost it. He

said, “Get out! Shit! Yeah, yeah. Youngblood, can you follow me to my car

help me properly strap my baby in the car seat? I don’t think I did it right on

the way over here. Let’s just say I made a left and my baby slid from the right

and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. She was bleeding

and everything. I’ll tell her mother it happened at the playground, but
between us, it did not. Give me some. Come on now, hello. You know what

I’m talking about.”

Ladies, I will say this though. When it comes to having patience, you got it. I

take my hat off to you. You actually deserve all the accolades that come your

way when it comes to dealing with a child, ladies. Feeding your kid, bathing

your kid, clothing your kid, to school, from school, potty training. Some of

you do it while you work, it’s un-fucking-believable. Unbelievable. But…

but… the one thing that you are not, ladies, is fun. You’re not fun. I know

some women instantly got an attitude. “What? Bullshit! I’m fucking fun.

You don’t even know. I’m so much fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve

never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You

ain’t never heard that. It’s never happened. The reason why is because you try

to blur the lines, ladies. You want to do it all. You want to be the fun parent

and the disciplinarian. You can’t be both. You gotta pick one. See, the fun tag

gets slapped on the dad’s back. We don’t ask for it. It’s just the way it is. We

don’t want to be the disciplinarian either, but you make us become the

disciplinarian. As soon as a man walks in the house, you hit him with the

bullshit. “Go in there and go fuck that baby up!” “What? What? I just got
home. I just walked in the house.” “You going to let him disrespect us?”

“Us?” “Ain’t nobody said shit to me. Ain’t nobody said shit to me.” Now,

you’ve gotta give a confused ass-whipping. “Your mother said I got to fuck

you up.” “What I do?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what you did. She said

fuck you up or get fucked up. I choose you. I’m gonna fuck you up.”

Right now, I know some women are thinking to themselves like, “So what

Kevin? If it’s about having fun, then just go have fun.” It’s not that easy.

Having fun is a very difficult job. The reason why I say that is because kids

don’t know how to shut fun off. Kids think fun lasts forever. I’ll tell you

the scariest shit in the world for a man to see after a long day at work. Long

day at work, you get home, you put your key in the door, you open up that

door real slow. Scariest shit in the world for a man to see is that baby with all

that energy on the other side. “Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. I

want to play, Daddy. I’ve been taking naps with Mommy all day. I want to

play that game where you try to close your eyelids and I keep opening them

back up. Oh, yeah. It’s time to play, Daddy.”

I make a bet. I make a bet right now to every man in this room that has a

child, has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time.
Long day at work, you’re in your car, driving home. You pull in your

driveway. When you pull in your driveway, that baby with all that energy

runs to the window, opens up the blinds. Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to

play. You see the baby in the blinds. The baby sees you. You and the baby are

looking at each other. You locked eyes with a goddamn baby. You’re staring at

the baby, the baby staring at you. And you back out the driveway. You back

out the goddamn driveway. Fuck that baby today. I’d rather go back to work

and throw boxes at the goddamn wall than deal with that baby today.

“Where are you going, Daddy?” “Fuck you, baby. Fuck you, baby.”

You’re only laughing because it’s true. With that being said, it’s very

important to understand your patience. You got to know your patience

levels. The older you get, the thinner your patience gets. My patience is

definitely wearing thin. I know it is. You know how I know? Because I’m not

the same guy that I used to be with my dogs. I’m a dog dude, people. I love

dogs, you hear me? I love dogs. Shouts out to my other dog lovers if you’re

here tonight. – Shouts out to you. – [crowd members whooping] Love dogs.

I got two dogs. I got a big ass Doberman. That’s Roxy. That’s my heart. Love

Roxy to death. Then we got a little Min Pin. That’s Riggs. I’m gonna be
honest. I don’t give a fuck about that dog. That’s my wife’s dog. I don’t care.

I don’t care about that dog. But my dog, my dog is trained, trained to the

max.

But I got comfortable. I got comfortable with my dog. When you get

comfortable, things change. True story, I wake up 5:30 in the morning, I

walk in my hallway. My dog went to the bathroom in the hallway. I see it. I

got a decision to make. Do I go get my dog, discipline my dog and clear this

up right now? Or do I back into bed and deal with it later when I wake up?

It’s 5:30. I chose to get back into bed. I’ll deal with it later when I wake up.

7:15 my wife wakes up, all I hear is, “Oh, my God! The dog went to the

bathroom in the hallway.” I sat up acting like I didn’t know nothing. “You

got to be fucking kidding me!” I said, “You want me to get it? You want me

to clean it up?” She was like, “No, I’m up now. I’ll get it.” I was like,

“Exactly.” Exactly. I knew you’d get it. That’s why I left it there. I “exactly-d”

you. At that moment, I thought to myself, “Goddammit, Kevin. Is this the

kind of man you want to be? Do you want to be the man who doesn’t give a

100% ’cause you know your other half is going to put up the percentage you

failed to give?” No, I don’t. I don’t.

I was about to be, I was about to be that guy until my best friend, Harry,

showed up in my house with his two-year-old baby. Harry’s got a

two-year-old baby. I call his baby a great baby. Let me tell you what I mean

when I say a great baby. A great baby is a baby that does adult shit at a baby

age. Now, Harry showing up at my house with his baby unannounced was a

bitch move. I didn’t like that at all. That was a bitch move. But my wife fell

for it. As soon as she saw the baby, she was like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

No. No. You haven’t had a break since you had that baby. Leave the baby

with me and Kev. We gonna watch the baby for y’all today.” He said, “Kev is

that okay with you?” I said, “As you can see, I don’t run my household. I have

no control over my household.” They leave the baby with us. They get in the

car, they drive off. Here’s how I knew this was a great baby. When they drive

off, the great baby’s waving bye, she’s on the front step. She turns around,

taps me on the leg twice. She said, “Pardon me.” I said, “What the fuck did

you just say?” That’s a little black baby. I’ve never heard a black person say

“pardon me.” Never! I move out the way. The great baby walks in the

kitchen. I tell my wife the great baby might be hungry. Let’s see if she wants

something to eat. “You want a sandwich?” Great baby says, “Yes.” We make a

sandwich, put it on a plate, set it on the countertop. The plate made a noise
when it hit the countertop. The great baby tapped the countertop and

looked at me. She said, “Granite? Is it granite?” I said, “What the fuck? Yes.

Yes, great baby. That is a granite countertop.” Who’s been watching HGTV

with this baby? I’m blown away. At this point, I feel like I don’t even need to

be around the baby. I’ve seen enough. I go in the living room, I finish

watching TV. Great baby follows me, get on the couch, starts watching TV

with me. We get done watching TV, the great baby gets off the couch, but she

didn’t get off the couch like a regular baby. Regular babies turn on their

stomach and slide down until their feet hit something. Sometimes it’s the

floor, sometimes it’s not. That’s the gamble that a regular baby is willing to

take. The great baby didn’t do that. The baby sat up at the edge and jumped.

She landed, put both hands in the air. She looked at me, she said, “Ten? Is it a

ten?” You’re fucking right it’s a goddamn ten, great baby. You stuck the shit

out of that landing!

At this point, I’ve seen enough! I’ve seen enough, I’m blown away by her. She

can take care of herself. Great baby is now walking all over the house. Once

again, this is a true story. Ten minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. I smell shit. I

smell it. I turn around, there’s a pile of shit in the middle of my living room
floor. My Doberman’s on this side, the great baby is on this side. Now I’m

pissed. My dog didn’t bark. “You didn’t scratch the door. Now you’re in

trouble.” I grab my dog by the collar. I discipline my dog. “You know better

than this. You don’t go to the bathroom in the house and more importantly,

you don’t embarrass me in front of this goddamn great baby.” I go put my

dog in the cage. I go back to clean it up. I look at it. That’s not my dog’s shit.

I know what my dog’s shit looks like. It don’t look like that. I look at the

great baby. The great baby got on a white Pamper. There’s no shit anywhere

around the Pamper. Now, I’m confused. ‘Cause I know what I’m looking at.

Somebody’s shitting on the floor. I’m looking at shit on the floor.

Somebody’s shitted on the floor. I’m so confused. I go wake my wife up. My

wife’s sleeping on the couch. “Babe.” “Babe, wake up. Wake up.” “What?”

“Hey. Wake up!” “What?” “Hey! Did you shit on that floor before you laid

on this goddamn couch?” – “What?” – “Did you shit on the floor before you

laid on this goddamn couch?” – “Ain’t nobody shit on no floor.” –

“Somebody’s shitted on the floor.” I turn back around. Me and the great

baby lock eyes. Now, I feel like the great baby’s trying to play me. I said,

“Great baby, I been nothing but good to you, since you been in my house.

You came in the house, you wanted something to eat. I made you a sandwich.
We watched TV. You jumped off the couch. I gave you a ten. For you to shit

on my floor is disrespectful. Did you shit on my floor?” The great baby was

like, “Pardon me?” “Shut the… Shut up, shut up! Shut up! Did you shit on

my floor?” Great baby put both hands in the air and turned around as if to

say, “Check me.” I take two fingers. I put my fingers in the back of the

Pamper. I pull the Pamper out. There’s no shit in the back of the Pamper. At

this point, I’m fucked up in the head. Now, I question myself. Did… Did I

shit on the floor? I didn’t shit on no floor. I would know if I shitted on the

floor. I didn’t shit on the floor. I apologize to the great baby. “Great baby, I’m

sorry. I shouldn’t have came at you like that. You been great since you’ve been

in my house. You know what I’m gonna do? Look at my security cameras.” I

got cameras all over the house. I go look at the cameras. Whoever shit on my

floor was a mastermind. This was a planned attack. I say that because they

shitted in the one blind spot that I have in my house. I couldn’t see a damn

thing from this spot. So I had to take one for the team. I go get the cleaning

materials. I come back, I clean it up. It took me 45 minutes to get this up out

of the carpet. I’m pissed! Pissed! Harry comes back to get the great baby.

“You had a good time? You all enjoy the baby?” My wife is ecstatic. “Oh, my

God. Oh, my God. We love that baby.” “What about you Kev?” I said,
“That’s a great baby. You’re doing a good job. Can we talk? Away from

everybody, please? I just want to tell you that I snapped on the great baby. I

was pissed off ’cause somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “What?” I said,

“Somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “Oh, my God. She did that.” I

said, “Excuse me?” He said, “She did that. She know how to take her Pamper,

pull it to the side to shit wherever she’s at. Then she’ll put the Pamper back. I

forgot to tell you that when I dropped her off.” “How the fuck do you forget

to tell me that?” That should’ve been the first thing you said when you

dropped this shitty-ass baby off at my goddamn house.” My dog came up.

My dog was like, “You got to put that bitch in the cage.” I said, “Hey. Hey!

Go lay down, go lay down.” I said, “Dude, I’m pissed off. It took me 45

minutes to get it out of the carpet.” My wife was like, “Exactly.” I said, “Babe,

not now. Let me handle it.” She said, “I’m just saying ‘Exactly.'” I said,

“Exactly what?” She said, “I saw the baby when she did it, but I didn’t feel

like cleaning up, so I just acted like I was asleep.” I said, “Ain’t this about a

bitch? Ain’t this about a bitch?” She “exactly-d” me back, people. She got me

good.
I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I don’t really like having company over

my house. I don’t. The reason why… is because my house got robbed.

Whenever your house gets robbed, it messes with you mentally. It’s all about

protecting my household. I’m the man of the house. I’m going to protect my

household. So I went out. I bought nine guns. Put them in secret

compartments all over my house. Understand something. You cannot put

guns in secret compartments in your house without playing out fake

scenarios in your head that help justify you putting the guns in these places.

This is where you go crazy. I was in the house for three hours by myself,

acting out shit that never happened. Oh… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This how you

gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me at the front door? – Okay… Okay.

– [tense action music begins] I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you

what you want. Just let me check the mailbox one last time. Gun

compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re going to do me? Huh?

You going to rob me in the guest bathroom? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what

you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me wipe my ass one last

time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me?

Huh? You going to rob me in the kitchen while I’m cooking for my family on

Thanksgiving? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what
you want. Just let me open the oven and check on the turkey one last time.

Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re gonna do me? Huh?

You going to rob me in the living room while I’m sitting on the couch in

front of the fireplace, masturbating? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you

want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me log off of PornHub one last

time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [laughs] This… This how you’re

gonna do me? You gonna… You’re going to rob me in the laundry room

while taking… while I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and

putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. Alright, we got… Oh… No I gotta… I

gotta get through it. Let me get through it. This is my favorite joke, alright.

You… [choking with laughter] You… You gonna rob me in the laundry

room? While I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting

them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you

what you want. Just… just let me add some fabric softener sheets. Gun

compartment. Yeah, nine guns all over the house. Then I got robbed again in

the one spot that I forgot to put a gun. So I spent the whole time I was

getting robbed trying to get them to go where the guns were. Come on man,

fuck! Agh. [high-pitched] That’s how you’re gonna do me? Don’t nobody

got to use the guest bathroom? Come on, man. I’ll wipe your butt. I’ll wipe
your butt, please! Please… Y’all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs? Don’t

nobody want no left-over turkey? It’s in the oven. At least let me masturbate

on the couch one last time. Come on, man. I ain’t gay. I’m just trying to have

a good time. Don’t do me like this. Let me get my clothes out the washing

machine and put them in the dryer. Are you gonna let my clothes mildew,

you selfish son of a bitch. [chuckling]

I still allow my closest friends to come over my house once a month. Once a

month. We have game night at my house once a month. I’m gonna be honest

with you, people. I personally don’t like game night. I can’t stand game

night. I think game night brings the worst out in couples, especially in my

household ’cause we’re way too competitive. We play Monopoly. But I don’t

like the way we play Monopoly. We don’t play it correctly. We allow the

negotiations to go outside of the game of Monopoly. For example, here’s how

we negotiate. Let’s say we’re playing. Right, here’s how we negotiate. I say,

“Alright, look. You can land on my property two times without paying, but

you got to pay my parking ticket that I got in real life yesterday. If you agree

to that… That’s our deal.

You understand what I’m saying?” Last time we played, I got pissed because

the women got drunk. When women get drunk… Women, you guys can get

stupid when you get drunk. You got two levels, ladies. You got “not drunk”

and “stupid.” You skip all this space, like literally! You just hop over all the

fucking space. It’s either, “No, I’m not drinking like that tonight,” or it’s,

“Oh, my God, I’m so fucked up!” It’s one or the other. It’s so… “Oh, my

God! I can’t believe I got this fucked up. Somebody put one of the

Monopoly pieces in my butt.” “What? What did you say?” “I’m so fucked

up!” They messed up the game and I was killing the game. I was destroying

the goddamn game.

Now, I can admit I’m very childish when I play board games. Very childish.

Whenever you land on my property, I make DJ noises. [DJ air horn] Every

time you land on my property. [DJ air horn] You gotta pay that. You gotta

fucking pay that. [DJ air horn] My wife was drunk. She landed on my

property, I lit her up. [DJ air horn] You gotta fucking pay that! You gotta pay

that! Ever seen a woman when she’s drunk? She tries to talk like she’s not

drunk, but she’s clearly drunk. She was like, “Alright, alright. Alright… It

ain’t even that serious like… How… how m- [hiccups] How m… how much…
how much I owe you? What I owe you?” I look down, she don’t have no

money. “You don’t even have money! Stop wasting time, take your piece, put

it in the box. Give the fuck up, you lost! [DJ air horn] Get the fuck out of

here.” “You gonna do me like that. You gonna do your wife like that?” “Yes!

Yes!” It’s a game, all I want to do is win. I took her piece. I plucked it, bam!

That shit shot across the room somewhere. [DJ air horn] “Get the fuck out

of here.” All my trash-talk is within the game of Monopoly. She takes it

outside the game of Monopoly. She goes, “All you want to do is win? That’s

all you want to do? Well, all I want to do is cum sometimes.” “What?

Whatcha? What? What? The fuck’s that got to do with anything? What’s

that got to do with the goddamn game?” Out of nowhere, Harry and Wayne

stood up, like… [DJ air horn] “He don’t make her cum.” I said, “Ain’t this a

bitch?” I got mad. I messed up the game. “Everybody out, get the fuck out,

everybody out my house. Get out!” They start walking out, Harry and

Wayne was like, “Man, fuck this house and his fake-ass guard dogs.”

When he said that, a light bulb went off in my head for the first time. I

immediately thought to myself… Where were my dogs when I got robbed?

Where… were my dogs? I run. I go look at those security cameras. I’ll be

damned if I didn’t see four eyes in the closet doing this shit right here. They

looked at the whole thing. You could hear them talking. “Goddamn, they’re

taking everything. You see this? This is ridiculous. They’re not leaving

nothing behind. I’m glad we got our stuff in here. You got your bed, you got

your bowl. He gotta get a guard dog. I’m not going to live like this. This is

not safe for us.” Bitch, you are the guard dog! [Kevin laughs]

You need friends like the ones I got. I have amazing friends, man. I truly

believe that I would not be where I am today, if it were not for my support

group. My friends have a lot to do with my level of success. That’s why I’m

loyal to them, that’s why I’m true to them. Over the summer, I took them to

Japan. I said, “Let’s do something different. Let’s embrace another culture.

The word “No” cannot exist.” They said, “You bet, let’s do it.” We go to

Japan. First thing they wanted to do in Japan is go to the amusement park.

Now, if you really know me, if you really follow me, you know I don’t like

amusement parks. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist and that’s what I

meant. We go to the amusement park in Japan. When we got there, I have to

be honest. I was blown away. The shit was incredible. The reason why I was

blown away is because I… I was the tallest person in the park. This is a true
story. It’s a true story. They were calling me Godzilla. I gave advice that I

never give, telling people to drink milk, eat their vegetable, shit I’ve never

said.

We go to get on a roller-coaster. Once again, I don’t do roller coasters. But I

said the word “no” doesn’t exist, and that’s what I meant. We go to get on

this roller coaster and it made me realize how spoiled some of us are. We’re

very spoiled. For example, we go to the amusement park. We get on a roller

coaster, you’re used to hearing a click when you put the shit over your head.

[clicks] That’s how you know you’re locked in. Ha, ha. Yeah. Let’s go bitch,

locked and loaded. I’m ready. In Japan, there was no click. They put the shit

over me. I can still move it. I was like… I got no click. My shit ain’t clicked I

ain’t got no click, yo. I look down my row at some Japanese people in the

aisle. I was like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click.” This lady took her camera out,

started taking pictures. I was like, “Bitch, no. This ain’t the time for that. It’s

not the time for that. This is serious.” Japanese guys walking back down the

aisle. I flag him down. I’m like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click. I ain’t got no click.

My shit ain’t clicked.” Scariest moment of my life. He looked me in the eye.

We lock eyes together. He goes, “So excited! So excited!” I said, “What?

What’d you just say?” “So excited, so excited.” It started moving. The roller

coaster started moving. I can’t jump out ’cause it’s too high. So I wrap up my

arm under the bar. I said, “God, not like this. You didn’t bring me to Japan to

end it like this, did you? Don’t do it like this.” It takes off. When it takes off,

my stomach immediately falls in my ass, immediately! My belly button and

my ass-hole was touching. It was doing this. I started farting and burping.

[makes farting noises] “Oh, God I’m gonna die. I’m gonna fucking die. I

know it, I’m about to die right now.” It turns out, it was one stop. It was a

tram. This took you to the roller coaster. Ain’t nobody told me that. They

don’t communicate in Japan. The name of the roller coaster was “So

excited.” So excited! We got on the roller coaster and they were like, “So

excited!” I said, “No, I’m not! You don’t see these faeces on my back. I shitted

all on myself. Get me the hell out of here.” [laughs]

Japan was very tough for me, very tough. The reason why Japan was so tough

for me is because I didn’t have a translator. Nobody told me that I needed a

translator. When we got there and saw that I needed one, “Fuck it, it’s too

late. I got to figure it out.” Here’s why it was very tough. I don’t eat seafood,

people. I’m allergic to seafood. Everywhere you go to eat in Japan, it’s all
seafood. Now, you don’t want to be racist, you don’t want to be an asshole,

but you end up doing racist asshole shit by accident when you try to

communicate. ‘Cause you don’t speak the language, so you just mimic what

they do when they talk. It’s the most racist thing I’ve ever done in my life.

“Chicken” Chicken. Oh, fuck it. I just can’t get low. Chicken… [strange

accent] Chicken. I saw a reflection of myself. Immediately got disappointed.

Jesus Christ, Kevin, look at you. I had a Snickers bar. Lasted me for four days.

I’d just take a bite, put it in my pocket. I was weak. I was fucking weak, man.

I was like, “I’m hungry, I need to eat.” My friends wanted to go out the last

night. I said, “I can’t. I’m about to die. Y’all go. I just want to go to bed, wake

up, get on the plane and eat.” That’s all I want to do. They go out, I stay

home. I wake up in the middle of night. My stomach is killing me. I called

the front desk. A woman picked up the phone. She said, “Hello, front desk,

may I help you?” It was the first time that I heard English outside of my

friends in Japan. You would have thought that I was Tom Hanks in

Castaway. I lost it. [screams] Ah! Chicken! [sobbing] Please! Chicken! She

was like, “Sir, calm down. Calm down. – What room are you in?” – “I don’t

know.” She said, “Look at the phone. Your room number is on the phone.”

Okay. I’m… I’m in room… I’m in room… line, line, dash, cross house. I don’t
know how to read it. It looks like an abandoned building with no windows,

made out of bamboo sticks, I don’t know. So excited… I don’t know. Help!”​

Did you get it? Did you get the joke? You got it. ‘Cause the way they write

their numbers. You got it? I felt like you should have gave a bigger laugh. I

don’t think your laugh was… is what it should have been. I almost threw this

goddamn microphone at your head just now, sir.

I love the fact that I can travel. I love the fact that I can take my kids to places

that I never dreamed or imagined I’d be able to. Every year around the

holidays, I take my kids to Aspen. I don’t want you to think I take my kids to

Aspen because we can ski because we cannot! I just like that we’re the only

black people there when we go. It looks great. It just looks good. Last time we

went, I actually got into an accident on the bunny slopes. I’m trying to learn

how to ski. Now, the bunny slopes, they don’t give you ski poles, they take

your ski poles away. They want you to get comfortable with going from right

to left and falling. So I’m on the bunny slopes. They push me down the

slope. I’m in my ski stance, right? I’m going down. Out the corner of my eye,

I see a kid coming this way. Now, I’m not good at math. I’m not good at

math at all, but I know if he keeps coming this way and I keep going this way,
we going to fuck each other up somewhere up here. As I’m getting closer,

I’m like, “I’m about to hit this kid.” My instructor start yelling, “Fall! Fall!”

I’m trying, I can’t. I can’t, they didn’t teach me, I’m not going down. Now I

gotta make a decision. Do I just run this kid over and keep going? Or do I

become a hero? I chose to do some hero shit. As I got closer, I picked the kid

up. When I picked the kid up, I thought that the weight would make me

stop. But instead, we did a little hop. And we start going down another slope,

but this… This was the real shit. This was not a part of the bunny slope. I

knew it was real ’cause when we start going down, this lady, she was like, “He

got my baby!” I was like,”That’s not good. That is not good at all.” I said,

“God, please don’t let this baby be white. Don’t let this be a white baby.”

‘Cause I couldn’t see the baby, the baby had on a snowsuit. I lift up that

visor, that little Japanese head popped out like this. That baby says, “So

excited!” Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got nervous, just left the baby there. I

had to go.

Last time we went, I got pissed off because the singer Seal showed up on my

black week. I was pissed. It was my black week. I’ve been coming here for the

last four to five years on this week. For you to show up on my black week is
very selfish and inconsiderate of you, Seal. He said, “Kev, what are you

talking about? You don’t own this week.” I said, “Hell if I don’t. I do.” He

said, “I didn’t know you skied.” I said, “Why else would I be here unless I

skied?” He said, “What mountain are you going to?” “Which one are you

going to?” He said, “Buttermilk, the big one.” I said, “Well, I guess I’ll see

you there.” I go to my instructor, “Hey, man, Seal is here. He’s trying to

out-black me on my black week. You got to take me and my family up to

Buttermilk Mountain. My instructor took us up to Buttermilk mountain.

When we got there, he was very honest. He said, “Look, you guys have no

business being up here.” He said, “This mountain is way too advanced for

you guys. You don’t know how to maneuver. If you go straight, you’re going

to die. So we got to chop the mountain up, we got to make big S’s going

down the mountain.” I said, “Perfect. You go first, then me, then my son,

then my daughter then my wife.” In my mind, if anybody falls, they’re going

to fall on me. That’s how I’ll keep my family together. That’s what I’m

thinking in my head. Okay? We start going down the mountain. Exactly

what he said, It’s coming true. We’re making big S’s. Out of nowhere, a gust

of wind shoots by my face. I turn around. I don’t see my son. I have no idea…

where my son is. I turned back around this way. The instructor said, “Oh, my
God, your son is going straight, I’ll go get him.” I said “No, you’re not.

You’re doing no such thing. He made his choice. He chose death. That’s

what he chose.” You’re not about to go save him and leave us stranded. Next

thing you know, I got to eat my wife’s ass to survive. My wife was like, “I still

ain’t going to cum.” “Will you shut the fuck… shut up!” My daughter was

like… [DJ air horn] “Shut… everybody shut up!” Out of nowhere, Seal came

flying over the mountain. Seal was like, “I’ll save him!” The crowd starts

fucking cheering. His music start playing out, I don’t even know where the

goddamn speakers were. I’m pissed! I told my instructor, “Hey, man, get me

to the bottom of the mountain, Seal is trying to out-black me on my black

week.” We get down to the bottom of the mountain, Seal’s got my son on his

shoulders. It’s a crowd of people around him celebrating. I’m pissed. Pissed!

Seal! Give me back my fucking son, right now, give me my son. He said, “You

need to be thanking me for saving your son’s life.” “Ain’t nobody ask you to

do that. I was willing to live with the consequences. Give my fucking son

back, right now.” He said, “You’re not to talk to me like that in front of these

people.” I said, “Fuck you and these people.” Seal popped out his skis

without using his hands. Pop, pop. He got in a fighting stance. I tried to do

the same thing, but I couldn’t do it. I just ended up leaning all over the place
like Michael Jackson in that fucking “Smooth Criminal” video. The crowd

thought it on purpose. They were like, “Oh!” He said, “Cuss at me again,

Kevin, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Fuck you.” He said, “Fuck you.”

When he said it, a piece of spit flew out his mouth, landed on my wife’s

forehead. My wife said, “Ahhh! [echoing] I’m cumming!”

It’s been real London and my name is Kevin Hart, goddamnit. I appreciate

the love. Thank you guys so much. I fucking love you. I love you. And you

best believe I’ll be back!

[50 Cent ft. Chris Brown “I’m The Man”]​

♪ Came in the game gettin’ money ♪​

♪ Flippin’ checks, whip it, Gettin’ money ♪​

♪ N i g g a s get to playin’ with the money Clique bang for the money ♪​

♪ Shit changed over money ♪​

♪ They love to see a n i g g a on the bottom ♪​

♪ Catch it coming, Gotta keep it on the low ♪​

♪ A n i g g a plug bless a n i g g a With a whole ♪​

♪ Wanna break the bitch down Into 36 O’s ♪​

♪ Looky here, bitch, I’m A-okay Shorty wanna fuck with me ♪​

♪ Stripping, yeah, the jiggy, n i g g a Lady, she gon’ hit my line ♪​

♪ We ain’t gon’ waste no time ♪​

♪ She sucking and we fucking Like she need me ♪​

♪ While she make a bankroll easy ♪​

♪ All the light in the room from the TV ♪​

♪ We gettin’ it on then I’m gone It’s the type of shit that a n i g g a be on ♪​

♪ Too much on my mind right now ♪​

♪ I’m on the grind right now ♪​

♪ Looking for me, sucker, Then I need to be found right now ♪​

♪ I got my nine right now Bitch, I’ll blow your mind right now ♪​

♪ I ain’t fucking around right now ♪​

♪ Better get in line right now ♪​

♪ Or fuck around and die right now ♪​

♪ Hope you understand that ♪​

♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man ♪​

♪ You know I’m the man ♪​

♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪​

♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪​

♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪
What Now (2016) – Transcript

Kevin Hart performs at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia,

providing a humorous insight into parenting, people on the edge,

and hardships in everyday life.

In the film’s spy sub-plot, set before the events of the performance, Kevin is an

agent for MI6 [Agent 0054] and attends a poker game event with his date

Money Berry [Halle Berry], only for it to go horribly wrong.​

In the performance portion, which takes up most of the film, was filmed live on

August 30, 2015 in front of 53,000 people, at Philadelphia’s Lincoln Financial

Field.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Philadelphia, make some fucking noise!

[CHEERING INTENSIFIES]

No. That’s not good enough for me. Goddamn it, we sold a football stadium

out tonight. So I need to hear that! I need to hear that! So I’ma ask my city

one more time… Philadelphia, make some fucking noise!

[CHEERING LOUDLY]

Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Goddamn it, we about to get loose. I can honestly say that

the city of Philadelphia has my back. Is it safe to say that, Philly? It’s safe to

say that. I think it’s only right that I show Philadelphia that love back. Can I

see Philadelphia behind me? Can I do that, please? Can I see my city behind

me? We about to have a good time tonight. We love you, Kevin! The name of

this show is called What Now?, people. The reason why I decided to call it

What Now?, is because that’s the question that I get the most. “Kevin, what

the fuck are you gonna do now?” I love that question because I always have

an answer for it. I’m alive. I’m still experiencing shit, which still means I have

stuff to talk about.

For example, people, I’m engaged. I’m about to get married again soon.

Okay?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yes. I told my lady, I said, before we get married, we gotta move. I did tell her

that. It’s not that I don’t like where we live. I just don’t like the area. It’s not

the house, it’s the area. See, I don’t wanna be in Hollywood, staring at all the

Hollywood shit. So I moved out to the suburbs. Fucked around, moved

around a bunch of wildlife. I don’t like the animals around my house. This is

real shit right now. Right now, I have a raccoon problem, people. Not

raccoons. A raccoon. One raccoon. This raccoon’s a bitch. I can’t stand this

raccoon. I got glass doors in the back of my house, right? I’m sitting in the

living room, I can see into my backyard through the glass doors. Outta

nowhere, a raccoon walks up to the glass doors. But not like a raccoon

should, not on all fours. Raccoon’s on two feet. Motherfucker walked up to

the doors like this, swear to God. This is real shit. Scared the shit outta me. It

looked like a N i g g a was walking in my backyard. That’s what it looked like.

I saw him, I said, “Oh, shit! “Look at that goddamn raccoon right there!” He

saw me, I see him, we’re looking at each other. This is what scared the shit
outta me. To get a better look in my house, he put his hand on the glass, and

started looking in the window. I see him, he see me. He starts fucking with

the locks. [GRUNTING] When he couldn’t get in, he got mad. He fake shot

at me twice. Bang, bang! Then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the

dark.

This is a true story. You gotta understand, people, I don’t like raccoons. I

can’t stand raccoons because I don’t like the way they look. They look like

criminals. They got a black mask, gloves. Everything about a raccoon says

crime. My lady gets home, I said, “Babe, we gotta get the fuck out this house.

“A raccoon came up to the glass doors, “put his hand on the glass, saw me,

shot at me twice. “Bang, bang! “Then he grabs his dick, disappeared into the

dark.” My lady goes, “What do you get out of lying so much? “Like what

does that do for you?” I said, “Who the fuck is lying? “Who makes up a lie

about a raccoon come up to the window, “going bang, bang, grabbing his

dick, disappearing into the dark? “Like, whose life is that bad that they gotta

sit at home all day, “and make some shit like that up?” She said, “Obviously

you, because you’re lying, Kevin. “You know how I know you lying? “‘Cause

a raccoon can’t go, ‘Bang, bang.’ “You know why? ‘Cause a raccoon don’t
have no thumbs. “So how can a raccoon go, ‘Bang, bang’?” “Bitch, maybe he

did this. Maybe he just did this right here. “What difference does it make?

“The point is that he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “We got a

dick-grabbing raccoon on the loose, “you worried about his fucking thumbs.

“You need to get your priorities straight, that’s what needs to happen.”

I got a lot of animals out there, people. Coyotes, mountain lions,

rattlesnakes. It’s at the point now where I don’t like taking out trash. I’m

being honest with you. The reason I don’t like taking out trash at my house is

’cause to take out the trash, I gotta walk outside, I gotta walk down my

driveway. Trash cans are at the end of my driveway. My driveway is long as

shit, people. Okay? It also gets real dark in my driveway. Reason why it gets so

dark in my driveway at nighttime is because I turned down the option to get

lights going down the side of my driveway. Reason why I turned down the

option is because I thought the contractors were trying to take advantage of

me because they knew that I had money. I don’t trust people that do this

when they talk. Like that’s how you talk to me, like, “Hey, man, you gotta get

some lights. It gets real dark out here. “You gotta get some lights.” I don’t

need no fucking lights. It’s a driveway. You drive in, you drive out. What the
fuck I need lights for? I was wrong, people. I need lights. Can’t see shit in this

goddamn driveway. You gotta understand, I don’t like being in the dark,

hearing animal noises, especially when I can’t see the animal. It fucks with

me. When you’re by yourself and you get scared, you do stupid shit. When

you hear this… [CHITTERING] [HISSING] You do stupid shit when you

get scared. [SCREAMS] “You bite me, I’ll bite you back, bitch!” You start

doing shit you saw in the movies. “What are you waiting for?” It got to the

point where I start grabbing the trash, running down the driveway, throwing

the trash in the trash can, running back to the house. One day I locked myself

out of the house. Scariest 17 seconds of my life, people. “Open up the door!”

[SCREAMS] [CRYING] What is this when you get scared? [CRYING]

Whenever you’re afraid, the first person you see is fully responsible for

whatever you were afraid of. “Bitch, where the fuck was you at all that time I

was outside? “Some shit licked my neck, I’m out here calling you. “You in

here cooking, that’s your problem.” It got to the point where I told my lady, I

said, “Yo, I’m not taking out trash anymore. I’m not gonna do it.” She said,

“Well, I’m not gonna do it.” I said, “You don’t have to.” “It’s not a woman’s

job, it’s a man’s job. “I’ma make my son do it. “He’s seven years old. “It’s

time for him to start pulling his weight around here. “He don’t do shit.”
That’s the beautiful thing about being a dad. You can do what you want

when you want, can’t nobody say shit about it. I woke my son up at 2:00 in

the morning with a complete bullshit story. I kicked his bed. “Get your ass

up! Get up! “Didn’t I tell you to get that goddamn trash out last night?” First

of all, that was a lie. I never said that. Never said anything like that. He woke

up, he was confused. “What? What? No. “You never said that. What?” “You

calling me a liar? You telling me I’m lying? “Get your ass up. Get that

goddamn trash out.” Private schools are fucking my kids up. My son, he said,

“All right, all right. All right.” He goes, “Let me get my flops.” What? “Your

flops? “Boy, if you don’t get your black/white ass down these goddamn steps,

“get this fucking trash, I’ma knock your head loose in here.” My son goes

downstairs, he grabs the trash. He’s about to walk outside, he sees it’s real

dark. He goes, “Dad, it’s real dark outside. Can you come with me?” “No.

No, I cannot. “No. “It’s not my journey, son. This is your journey. “It’s

about you becoming a man. “You gotta do this by yourself.” My son grabs

the trash, he’s literally walking outside. He goes down the driveway. I could

tell when he got scared, ’cause he stopped. He started doing this shit right

here. He started looking around. When he looked at me, I said, “See, that’s

why I don’t like doing that shit. “Go, you’re all right. Finish. Finish.” He put
the trash in the trash can, starts walking back. Outta nowhere, my son takes

off running. I mean, running, haul assing towards the house. Running as fast

as he can. I got scared because I couldn’t see what he was running from. I

couldn’t see it. So I closed the door. I closed the door. No, I did. I know it

was wrong, but I did it. I don’t wanna lie. I shut the door. I told myself,

depending on what it was, was gonna determine if I open up the door or not

when he got back. If it was something crazy, I was just gonna put my hand on

the glass. I was gonna say, “Son, touch the glass one last time. “I hate that it

had to be this way.”

My biggest fear in life is seeing somebody that I love get attacked by an

animal that I can’t beat. That’s a fear. What do you do? What do you do?

You look happy. Are you in love, man? What do you do if you see your lady

running down the driveway as fast as she can? Outta nowhere, the

Tasmanian Devil jump out, grab her face from the back? You wanna know

the answer to that question? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what the fuck you

do. That’s the Tasmanian Devil. You ain’t never seen no shit like that. If you

look outside and all you hear is… [SNARLING] You’re not fucking going

out there. [SNARLING] All you gonna do is react. [SCREAMING] Oh!

Oh! Oh! “Get the fuck off of her! “She had enough!” My lady got mad at me

when I said that. She got pissed off. She got pissed off. She said, “So if I got

attacked by an animal, “you wouldn’t come out there and help me?” I said,

“It depends on the animal. “If it’s a cat, I’ll come out there and kick the cat.

“I’ll kick the shit out of a cat. “But if it’s a mountain lion, fuck no. I’m not

going out there. “Ain’t no way in hell.” She says, “So you would just let me

die?” “If that was God’s plan. I’m not gonna… “I’m not gonna fuck with

God’s plan. “Who am I to rewrite what God wrote? “That’s what God wrote

next to your name. “It said ‘death by mountain lion attack.’ “Who the fuck

am I to rewrite that?”

I’m being honest with you all. You know the real reason why I wouldn’t help

my lady if she got attacked by a mountain lion? I don’t know if I wanna be

with a woman that survived a mountain lion attack. I don’t… I don’t know if

I’ma feel the same way about you when you come out of that attack. Like,

what if he got you good? What if he bit your neck up? Or if he bit your

shoulder off? You ain’t got no shoulder no more? That’s tough. That’s

tough. I can’t be with no girl that don’t have no shoulder. I can’t. I’m sorry.

You can call me an asshole all you want. I can’t be with a girl that can’t do
this. Mmm! If you can’t do that… If you can’t shoulder shrug, bitch, I can’t

be with you. You can’t shoulder shrug, bitch? Mmm! You know how many

times you shoulder shrug in a day? You know how many times you shoulder

shrug? Look, you did it a little bit just now. Little bit. Look at you. Little bit.

Ladies, let me tell you something. You don’t know how important your

shoulders are until you lose one of them. Life will change without both

shoulders, I promise you that. I tell you what, you could kiss halter tops

good-bye. That’s over. Every shirt you put on gonna look like a goddamn

toga outfit. All that shit coming across the chest. I don’t wanna be with a

toga bitch. I don’t want her. The girl that look like she won a pageant every

day. [LAUGHING] You won every day? Oh! Here come Michelle. Here

come Miss America. I don’t wanna be with her.

I tell you what, if you got one shoulder and we get pulled over by the cops,

we’re going to jail. We’re going to jail. ‘Cause everything you do is gonna

come off as sarcasm. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” “No.”

“Get the fuck out of the car. Right now! Get out the car! “You wanna be a

smartass? You’re going to jail.” “I’m not! I’m not! This is how it is. I’m stuck

with this. “Don’t do this, please.” Cop have a tough time grabbing you out
the car. “Get your ass out the goddamn…” You can’t be cold with one

shoulder. You can’t shiver with one shoulder. Ain’t nobody gonna believe

you. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “It’s freezing in here.” “No, bitch,

you twitching. That’s drugs. I know drugs when I see it.” “Get your high ass

out of my goddamn house. “You’re high!” If you only got one shoulder, the

only game you’ll be good at is a game of tag. Can’t nobody tag you. You out

there dipping everything. [GRUNTS] “Shit!” [GRUNTING] “I can’t tag

this bitch, man! “She out here dipping everything.” “You gotta go for the

shoulder side.”

Ladies, I can feel you judging me. Stop judging me. I feel it. “Kevin, you

wrong. You wrong. “That woman loved you. “She was with you from the

beginning. She held you down.” Let me tell you something, ladies. You can’t

hold nobody down without two shoulders. It’s a scientific fact. You need two

shoulders. I’ll start it with you guys. I’ll ask you a question. Sweetie, do you

think you’re the type of woman that could stay with your man regardless of

any freak accident? Yeah? You know why I love asking women that question?

Because your answers are never realistic. See, women answer questions

with emotion. Emotion made you say yes. “Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!” That’s
emotion. You don’t even know the fucking scenario. You don’t even know

what happened. So I’ma give you a scenario. Let’s say you and your man

taking a walk. Beautiful day outside. You look at your man, you say, “Babe, I

love you more today than I did yesterday.” Out of nowhere, an orangutan

hops the fence, attacks your man. The orangutan takes his kneecaps. He can

never do this again in life. He is straight-legged for the rest of his life. You can

deal with this right here? This ain’t gonna fuck with you every day? Every

goddamn day, this ain’t gonna fuck with you? Looking at this? Butt-ass

naked, going to the bathroom like this. This ain’t gonna fuck with you? You

a goddamn liar. One of those days, you’re gonna fucking snap. “If you don’t

go sit your straight-legged ass down… “Walking all straight all over the

fucking house! “Sit your no-knee-bending ass down!” You’re gonna get mad

’cause you still wanna do knee-bending shit. “Hey, babe! Babe! We still going

bowling on Tuesday?” All your friends hate when you bring him ’cause he

takes too long to bowl. They get mad. “I can’t stand when she brings his ass!

“He can never relax. He’s so uptight!” You get mad. “I can’t relax ’cause I

ain’t got no knees! “I got attacked by an orangutan!” Your black girlfriend’ll

be there. She’ll never believe shit. “An orangutan? Really?” That’s my “black

girl don’t believe shit” face. “Orangutan? “Really?” Why is that? Why don’t
black women believe shit? What happened? What happened? You can’t

convince a black woman of shit. “Hey, babe. Babe, don’t walk over there.

“It’s real slippery right there.” “Slippery? “Really?” She walk over there

anyway, trips, falls, hits her head. “Oh, my God, it’s slippery over here. “They

need to put a sign up.” “Bitch, I just told you, it was fucking slippery over

there.” “Did you tell me? “Really?”

[AUDIENCE ECHOING]

Could you still have sex with the guy that can’t bend his knees? If he was

aggressive about it? That’s an honest question. Could you have sex with a

guy that can’t bend his knees? “Hey! Hey! “Get over here and get some of

this lock-knee dick.” “Don’t run! Don’t run! Don’t run!” [LAUGHS] It

look like he be skiing on your ass, that’s what it look like. When he cums, it

looks like he jumped a big-ass ski ramp. Oh! Look at all the black women.

“Ski ramp? “Really?”

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Oh! Stop it. Cut it out. Stop trying to make me feel tall. This is how I think,

people. I’m a drastic thinker. I’m not worse than my lady, though. My lady is

the queen of hypothetical thoughts. You know what I feel like? I feel like all

women suffer from this disease. Women love to ask men questions about shit

that would never happen. You love it. “Babe, babe, what would you do if…

“Babe, babe, hypothetically speaking, but not really, but if it did, “what

could might be, huh?” You love it. True story right now. Me and my lady,

we’re on a boat. Right? We’re on a boat. We hit a wave. She go, “Oh, my God,

babe, what if we would’ve hit that wave, “and I would’ve fell out the boat in

the middle of the ocean, “and then a shark would’ve started swimming

around me? “What would you do?” “I’ma get the camera and start taping.

“Some shit about to go down. I don’t know.” “Stop being an asshole and

answer the question!” “What do you mean, answer the question? “It’s a

shark.” Like, I don’t know who she wants me to be in her head. Like, what N

i g g a is that tough that he sees a shark and goes, “I’m sick of this shark shit!”

And jumps in the water to fight the shark? I’m not that guy. I don’t have that

muscle. She said, “Well, what if the shark attacked me, “but I got away, and I

swam back to the boat?” I said, “That would never happen. What kind of

attack was this?” She said, “What do you mean?” “What do you mean, what
do I mean?” “What kind of attack was this? What did the shark get?” She

said, “The shark bit off one leg, one arm.” “The shark bit off one leg and one

arm, and you swam back to the boat? “That’s what you’re telling me? “Was it

on the same side? “‘Cause on the same side, you’re just gonna go in a circle.

“This is all you’re gonna do right here, is one big-ass circle. “You ain’t going

no-fucking-where.” “Stop being an asshole, Kevin, and answer the question.”

“I can’t answer the question if you don’t make the question make sense.” She

said, “Fine. Alternate the sides. “He bit one leg on this side, one arm on this

side.” I said, “So, what, you wanna know “what I would say when you got

back to the boat?” She said, “Yeah. What would you say?” “Well, who else is

on the boat?” She said, “It’s just us. It’s nobody else on the boat. Just us.”

“Okay, let me get this straight. “You get attacked by the shark, “shark bites off

one leg, one arm, “you swim back to the boat, “you climb up on the boat,

“you’re standing in front of me on one leg, “it’s nobody else on the boat,

nobody else. “If it’s nobody else on the boat, “I’ma push you back in. I’ma

push you back in. “Shark gotta finish that. He gotta finish that. I’m not going

home with that. “I didn’t leave with that. Why do I have to go home with

that? “That’s not what I left with. “The shark gotta clean that plate. Clean

that plate, Mr. Shark.” That’s what my mom tell me, “Finish your food. “You
better finish that fucking food.” Y’all can think I’m an asshole all you want.

This is how I think, man. I told you, I’m a drastic thinker. This is why I told

my family we need to move. I’m not the father for the environment that we

live in. I’m not. Good thing about my family is we table everything.

Everything is up for discussion. I told my son, I said, “Look. I told you I

wanna move. “Tell me why you wanna stay.” My son told me flat-out, “Dad,

I don’t wanna move because I don’t wanna leave my room.” I get it. I went all

out for my son’s room. My son used to be into Spider-Man, now he’s into

Batman. So I went out, I got his whole room painted as Gotham City. I put

the bat symbol on the wall. His bed is the Batmobile. Batman is on the actual

ceiling. When my son first saw the room, he went off. [GROWLS] “Dad!”

[GROWLS] [CHUCKLES] He was like, “I love it!” [GROWLS] I told you

all, private schools are fucking my kids up. They are. My son has a lot of

white friends. They got real long hair. So my son gets excited, he does this

shit. Listen, listen to me. It makes me so mad. Do you understand me? This

shit makes me so fucking mad. The reason why is because his hair looks just

like mine. It’s just like mine. So I’m like, “What are you doing?” He was like,

“I couldn’t see you.” “Bitch, you see me. Don’t… “Don’t do that. “You see

me. I’m right here. “Don’t act like you can’t see me.” He was like, “I just
wanna play.” “Fine, go. Go play.” My son goes in his room, he plays all day.

All day. It’s time for bed. I say, “Go in there, brush your teeth, wash your

face, get into bed. “I’ma kiss you good night.” My son gets into bed, I kiss my

son good night, I cut out the lights, I walk out. When I walk out, I hear a

bunch of screaming. “No! “Don’t do it, Batman, please!” What the fuck? I

go running back in the room. I run back in the room, this woman made

Batman glow in the dark. So Batman… Batman… [CHUCKLES] Batman

looked like he was about to rape my son. He was just staring at my son. Hey,

I’m not gonna lie, I got scared. I said, “Get the fuck out of the bed! “Get out

the bed before he swoop down on your ass “and I can’t do nothing about it!”

I can’t beat Batman. My daughter said, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I

love the space.” My daughter’s favorite game to play at the house, she loves to

hide from people, wait for you to walk by, jump out and scare you.

[SCREAMS] This girl’s patience is unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like

it. Like, I’ve seen my daughter go hide, but then I forgot that she went to go

hide. So, like, five, six hours go by. I finally walk by, she jumps out, but she’s

too weak to scare me. [SCREAMS SOFTLY] “What took you so long,

Daddy? “I haven’t eaten anything all day. “I’m so hungry. “My lips are dry,

they’re bleeding. “I need some water right now, I swear to God.” My kids are
characters, but my kids are my best friends. Honestly, they’re my best friends.

I love the fact that me and my kids talk. We communicate. Now, I’m not

gonna lie. I’m not gonna act like it’s all perfect, because it’s not. We butt

heads. I recently got mad at my kids because I feel like my kids don’t put a lot

of thought into the gifts that they give me. This shit pisses me off. I’m

serious, they’re making me mad. I go all out for my kids. So I feel like when

it’s time to do something for me, put the same time, energy and effort into it

that I do when I do shit for you. This is what made me mad. For my birthday,

my son gave me a handprint. This boy dipped his hand in paint, put it on a

piece of paper, said, “Happy birthday, Dad. Love, Hendrix.” Came home

excited. “Dad, I got you something for your birthday. “You’re gonna love it.

Close your eyes.” I close my eyes. I’m emotional, I start crying. “Boy, don’t

do this to me. “Don’t do this. “Not today. “Don’t do it today. What is it?”

He said, “Open your eyes. “Happy birthday, Dad. I did this because I love

you.” I looked at it, I said, “I’m gonna be honest with you, son. “I don’t really

feel like you do. “I don’t think this is a good representation of your level of

love for me. “This is a shitty gift. “It’s a fucked-up gift.” Out of the corner of

my eye, I saw my daughter pushing a macaroni plate back down into her

book bag. I saw her. I said, “What the fuck is that?” She looked me in the eye.
“Mmm, trying to figure it out. I don’t know yet. “I don’t know what I want

it to be.” Now, I’m not gonna lie to y’all and say I didn’t hold a grudge,

because I did. I held a grudge. I held a grudge all the way up until my son’s

birthday. My son’s birthday came, he woke up, he was hyped. “Dad! You

know what today is?” “I sure do, son, it’s your birthday. “We gonna turn up

like we always do.” My son goes to school, gets home. When he gets home, I

got a bunch of presents wrapped up in boxes laid all out on the bed. He

opens ’em up. I had 57 handprints in all the boxes. He saw it, he starts crying.

He was like, “What is this?” I said, “Those are high fives. “I got you high

fives.” He said, “But I didn’t ask for these.” I said, “Neither did I.” You selfish

son of a bitch. You better be lucky I didn’t take a picture of my ass and put it

in that box, tell you to kiss my fucking ass, that’s what I should’ve did. “I

should’ve let Batman rape you.” I said that. Swear to God, I said that. I know

it’s wrong, but I said it. When I really wanna piss my kids off, I let my dad

spend time with them. That’s how I really get to them. Here’s the thing. My

kids love their grandpop, they really do. They just don’t like to be with him

for too long ’cause my dad is too loud. It’s like the older you get, the louder

you get. This isn’t even a joke. This is how my dad walks in my house. This is

his entrance. “Where the babies at? “Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!” That’s his
entrance. It’s at the point now where I can’t even let my dad watch my kids

by himself. I gotta watch my dad while he watches my kids. ‘Cause he does

too many stupid things. I caught my dad giving my kids raw candy out of his

pocket. Candy with no wrapper. It was loose. It was just in his pocket. He

said, “Huh, huh, y’all want one of these?” “What the fuck is that? What are

they?” He said, “Peppermints.” “Ain’t no goddamn peppermint. “Where the

lines at on that peppermint?” He said, “My jeans must have rubbed it off.”

“N i g g a! “You’re not about to give my kids no jean-dyed peppermint!”

“Fine, more for me.” Takes the peppermint out of his pocket, puts it in his

mouth. Five minutes go by, I saw my dad take that peppermint out of his

mouth, put it back in his pocket. Those were half-sucked on peppermints!

He’s not gonna give my kids no goddamn suck-and-saves. That’s a

suck-and-save! That’s an old people trick. Old people love to suck on candy

and save it. “I’ma save this till after church.” “Nana, eat that fucking candy!

“Little piece of candy left, Grandma. “Eat that fucking candy!”

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My dad is a character. The shit that I’m telling you, you can’t make up. I

bought my dad an iPhone 6 for his birthday. I’ve never seen my dad use the
phone. Never. He comes downstairs one day, he goes, “Hey! “I wanna take

the kids to go get some pizza.” I said, “First of all, you’re not going anywhere

“with my kids by yourself. “We can go as a group.” I said, “Where you wanna

go?” This is true shit. You cannot make this up. My dad takes his phone out

of his back pocket, this is what I hear, “Cyrus, where is the closest pizza

spot?” “What did you just say?” [SHUSHING] “Cyrus, where you at? “Talk

to me. “Looking for a pizza spot. Wake up. “Wake up, wake up, wake up,

wake up.” He starts shaking the phone. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake

up.” My dad thinks there’s a N i g g a living in the phone! “It’s ‘Siri’, you

dumb bitch! “‘Siri’! “Not goddamn Cyrus.” He’s a character. I love him,

though. Hates the fact that I don’t whup my kids. Hates it. My dad is old

school, old generation. Old generation believes in whupping the kid’s ass.

That’s all they believe in. It’s not that I don’t. It’s not that I don’t. I don’t

want y’all to think that I don’t. I just don’t feel like I need to whup my kid’s

ass. My voice is enough. “Shut the fuck up!” That’s enough. Private school

kids, they get scared fast. [SCREAMING] “Dad’s going crazy again! “Let’s

go to our secret spot!” Private school kids. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. It does

piss me off that my kids don’t have any edge. I want my kids to have edge. But

they’re not. I’m not a thug, I’m not a killer, people. But I got some edge to
me. You need edge to survive in life. My kids aren’t gonna have that edge. The

reason why is because they’re growing up different than I grew up. My son

definitely doesn’t have it. I gave up. I don’t even give a shit. It is what it is.

Swear to God, it is what it is. I’ma tell you the day that I gave up. The day

that I gave up, I got some of my friends over to my house that I grew up with.

We’re in the kitchen, we’re having a thug-like conversation about our pasts.

“Yo, Kev. “You remember when Ronald got shot “in the back of the head?”

“God damn, I do. “I really do. “Died on the spot.” “What about Terry? “You

remember Terry got shot in the back?” “Fuck! I remember that.” I hear my

son coming down the steps. I hear his flip-flops popping. [CLICKING

TONGUE] They’re popping fast. [CONTINUES CLICKING] So that

means he’s walking with a purpose. Something’s wrong. He gets downstairs,

he got an attitude. “Dad! “Wi-Fi’s down!” What the fuck? What? “Well, you

want me to reboot it? “‘Cause nobody else seems to care.” “Go! Go, reboot

it, man. Go.” “I’m thirsty, could I have a Capri Sun?” “Son, get the fuck out

of my face. “Just go. Go! “Them tight-ass pajamas. “Take your ass upstairs.

Go. “And put on some loose pajamas!” Now, I don’t know what made me

more upset. That, or my friend going, “Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?” I said,

“What did you just say?” “I’m saying, he said that they’re gonna reboot it. “If
they’re strapped, we’re strapped. “I’ma die for mines.” “What the fuck are

you talking about, man? “It’s the Internet, jackass! “It’s the Internet!” “Well,

you need to say something, “’cause we almost lost a life today.” “Whose life?

“You was gonna kill my son?” “Depending on what side he was on.” What?

My dad called me over the holidays. “Hey! “I miss you. “I miss you, I miss

them babies. “I wanna come see y’all.” I said, “Dad, all you gotta do is tell me

when, I’ll put you on a plane.” He said, “Well, I wanna bring Connie with

me.” “Dad, you wanna bring Connie, you can bring Connie.” “Well, before I

bring her, I need to know “if your house is wheelchair accessible.” “Well,

Dad, nobody in my house is in a wheelchair, “so I never felt the need “to

wheelchair-accessorize my home.” “Well, you need to get it right. “Connie’s

in a wheelchair now.” “What the fuck happened to Connie? “Why is Connie

in a wheelchair?” “It’s a long story. “She got hit by a car.” “Okay, first of all,

you just told the story. “It wasn’t that long at all. “Second of all, how’d she

get hit by a car? “What happened?” “Look, boy, I ain’t got time to talk to you

about that. “I was driving, she was in the street, it was raining. “Legally, I

can’t talk about it “’cause the case is still open.” “The case? “You got a case?”

“Look, boy, just get some wheelchair shit for the house.” “Fine.” I don’t

know what wheelchair shit is, people. I have no idea what wheelchair shit is.
True story. I went out, I bought a handicapped sign, I put it in the driveway.

True story, swear to God. ‘Cause that way, when they pull up, I look like I

support. Like, hey. Hey. Look who’s welcome here. Like, hey. They get there,

my dad takes the wheelchair out of the car, puts Connie in the wheelchair.

He rolls Connie in the house. Connie gets in the house, she goes off. “Oh,

my God! “I love it! I love it! “I wanna see the whole house!” She says, “Spoon,

push me all over so I can see everything.” My dad snapped. “No! “No! “Sick

of this pushing shit!” That’s what he said. “I’ve been pushing your ass all over

the place all goddamn day. “Wherever I sit you is where you’re gonna have to

stay “until I feel like moving you again.” I said, “What? “Why can’t she just

roll around the house by herself?” He said, “‘Cause when I sit her down,

“I’ma lock the back brakes so she can’t move.” “For what?” “Because I love

her! “And I don’t want her rolling out of my life, that’s why.” “Okay, all right,

stop. “Everybody, stop. Stop.” I said, “Look, y’all just landed, man.

“Everybody’s a little bit on edge. “This is what we’re gonna do. “We’re gonna

have a family night. “I’ma order some food, we’re gonna watch a movie.

“That’s what we’re gonna do.” I order some food, I say, “Connie, go in the

other room. “Go pick out a movie you wanna watch.” Connie goes in the

room, she picks out a movie. She comes back. The movie she picked out was
called The Conjuring. For those people here tonight who do not know what

The Conjuring is, The Conjuring is a scary-ass movie that came out a long

time ago. I said, “Connie, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to watch that

“because of everything that’s been going on around the house.” My dad says,

“Stop being a bitch.” I said, “No, Dad, I’m serious. “A raccoon shot at me

twice, grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “I don’t have lights in my

driveway.” He said, “Stop being a bitch! “Connie wants to watch the movie,

“we’re gonna watch the movie.” Fine. We watch The Conjuring. After the

movie’s over, it did exactly what I thought it would do, scared the shit out of

me. My dad and Connie, they wanna go upstairs and they wanna go to sleep.

Me and my dad pick Connie in the wheelchair up, carry her upstairs, Connie

and my dad get into bed, they go to sleep. Me and my lady get into bed, my

lady goes to sleep. I’m up. I can’t go to sleep, ’cause I got The Conjuring on

my mind. I hear this in the hallway. [THUDDING]

[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Every man in this room tonight has done this at least once.
[RUMBLING CONTINUES]

“Hey, babe, are you up? “I just heard some shit in the hallway.” “No, I’m

asleep. “Just go see what it is.” “Go put some shoes on so you can go see what

it is with me, “so we can both go see what it is.” “Stop, Kevin, I’m asleep.

“Just go see what it is.” I hear it again. [THUDDING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

You ever get so scared that you don’t know where to put your hands at? “All

right! “Don’t make me come out there! “‘Cause if I get out there, I’ma be

there!” I don’t even know what that means. I was scared. It was the first thing

that came to my mind. She said, “Stop yelling at my ear, just go see what it

is.” “Well, you’re up. It don’t look like you’re asleep, “so you should come

with me. “Fine, fine. I’ll go by myself.” I sleep naked, so I had to get up, I had

to put a robe on. I grabbed my robe, I start scared-walking towards the

hallway. Scared-walking is when you’re walking, but you’re leaning

backwards just in case… Just in case some shit goes down, you can get the

fuck up out of there real quick. It’s quick. I’m scared-walking.

Scared-walking. I get to the hallway. As soon as I get to the hallway, I cut the
lights on. [SCREAMS] I don’t what it is, people act like lights can stop a

murder. Like… Like a murderer will see lights and be like, “Man, I was about

to stab you in the neck, “but you got these fucking lights on, I ain’t gonna do

it now.” They don’t give a shit about lights. I start scared-walking down this

way. Scared-walking. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. Out of nowhere,

my daughter jumps from behind the wall. [SCREAMING] Listen to me.

Scared the living shit out of me. All I can tell y’all is that she learned from her

past mistakes. She had a canteen on this hip, she had a fanny pack on this hip

with snacks and shit. I don’t know how long she was there, but it had to be

for a long time. I was so scared, I turned around, I jumped down my flight of

steps. I got 15 steps in my house. I just jumped. When I jumped, the air got

the best of my robe, it blew my robe up. My dick, my ass, everything is out.

Somehow my car keys fall in my hand. Don’t know how. I don’t really care. I

land, I run out the front door, get in my car, start the car up, I start laughing.

I start dying laughing. The reason why I was laughing is because I realized

that I don’t give a fuck about my family. I was like, “I don’t care. “I don’t

care! “I don’t care!” I didn’t go wake my son up. I didn’t go check on my lady.

To be 100% honest with you all, I don’t even know if that was my daughter

or not. In my mind, that was the little bitch from The Conjuring that was
clapping at everybody goddamn near her. I turn around and back out the

driveway, my dad is sitting in the backseat of the car. I said, “What the fuck is

going on here?” My dad goes…

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

“Did you hear that shit?” I said, “What?” “Did you hear that shit? “We gotta

get the fuck outta here!” I said, “What about Connie?” He said, “What

about her? “I can’t carry that goddamn chair downstairs by myself! “I locked

the back brakes. “The back brakes are jammed. “I can’t get the back brakes

unjammed. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” I said, “If you was

that scared, “then why didn’t you leave already?” He said, “‘Cause a raccoon

kept coming to the car “going ‘bang, bang,’ and then he grabbed his dick,

“disappeared into the dark. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” He

pulled out his iPhone and he said, “Cyrus, wake your ass up! “Get my ass up

outta here right now! “We ain’t got time for you to be fucking asleep, Cyrus.”

“It’s Siri, you dumb bitch. Siri.” The toughest part about that night was the

next morning when I got back home. Oh! Oh, no, we left! I’m sorry, I forgot.

Yeah, we left. Me and my dad made an executive decision to save ourselves.

We got the fuck up outta there. The reason why the next morning was so
tough ’cause as soon as I walked in the house, my lady was in the kitchen. She

was like, “Where did you go last night?” And I told her, I was like, “I left.”

She said, “What do you mean, you left?” I was like, “I left. I saved myself.

“The only reason why I came back “is because I didn’t see anything on the

news “so I knew you were still alive.” I told the truth. I did. The reason why I

told the truth is because I told myself that I’m not gonna lie anymore. The

only way I’ll lie is if the truth doesn’t sound believable. Ladies, please, please

try to understand that. That doesn’t mean I was out cheating or fucking. It

means that whatever I was doing just doesn’t sound right when I say it out

loud. That’s it. That’s all it means. Everybody that follows me knows that all

my comedy comes from a real place. First and foremost, understand that I’m

older now. I’m 36. My friends are older than me. 42, 46, 47, 48. We go out,

we do older guy shit. Me and my friends go to a lounge, this is a true story.

When we get to the lounge, for some reason, we’re watching ping-pong on

TV. We are locked in to this ping-pong match. Outta nowhere, my friend

Joey goes, “You’d better be lucky we don’t have a ping-pong table. “If we did,

I would bust all y’all’s ass.” I said, “Bet money, bitch.” That’s me and my

friends’ biggest problem. We’re competitive. The word “bet” sets off that

competitive nature. I said, “Bet money, bitch.” Harry said, “Bet.” Wayne,
“Bet.” Spank, “Bet.” Joey, “Bet.” “Bitch, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Motherfucker,

bet.” “Bet.” “N i g g a, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet it, bitch.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Fuck you,

bet.” “Bet.” We get in the car, we drive to Walmart. We drive to Walmart, we

buy a ping-pong table. We go back to Joey’s house, we set the ping-pong

table up in the kitchen. We get to playing ping-pong. Our game looks

nothing like the game that we were watching on TV. So we decide to add

alcohol into the mix. Hit the ball into the net, gotta take a shot. You get

slammed on, gotta take two shots. You get slammed on and you miss the ball

completely, gotta take three shots. Somewhere along the line, the game got so

competitive that Joey decided to cut his jeans into jean shorts ’cause he said

he wasn’t getting enough lateral movement in the house. Here’s the

fucked-up part about that. It was Joey’s house. All Joey had to do is go

upstairs and change into a pair of goddamn jean shorts. Here’s the second

fucked-up part about that. Joey went upstairs to get the scissors to come back

downstairs and cut his jeans into jean shorts. Somewhere along the line, I get

slammed on. I go to return the ball, I miss the ball, run into the wall, fall

down, black out. I wake up, it’s 10:00 am. Holy shit. It’s 10:00 am! I wake

up, I look at my phone, I got 37 missed calls, 47 text messages. Fellas, I’ma tell

you something. The worst thing that you can do in life is not respond to your
lady’s text messages. Do you hear me? That’s the worst thing that you could

do. The reason why I say that is because your woman will then proceed to

having a conversation with herself through the messages that she’s sending

you. Listen to me. This is what that conversation looks like.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[SINGSONG]

“So this is what we doing now? “Wow! “I guess this what we’re doing now.

“You know what? “I hope that bitch is worth it. “Wow! “So you telling me

that bitch is worth it? “You know what? “Don’t even come home tonight.

“Wow! “So you really not gonna come home tonight?” [IN NORMAL

VOICE] She’s drawing conclusions and answering the conclusions that she

drew by herself. It’s a sickness, ladies. It’s a disease. First thing I do, I haul ass

into Joey’s room. “Joey! Wake your ass up! “What the hell you let me sleep

over here till 10:00 am for? “You know damn well I gotta be home.” He said,

“Let me stop you right there, Kev. “First of all, I don’t know where you have

to be. Okay? “What I do know, is that I’m where I’m supposed to be. “I

know that. I know that much.” He said, “It sounds to me like you need to
make better life decisions.” I said, “Joey, don’t start that shit. “Don’t start

that. “This is serious. “It’s 10:00 am! “I can’t just walk in the house “with

nothing wrong with me at 10:00 am. “I’m not drunk, I’m not injured. “I

can’t stroll in the house perfectly fine and be like, ‘Morning,’ “and just go to

bed like everything’s all right at fucking 10:00 am.” He said, “Why not?

That’s your house.” “I don’t give a fuck whose house it is, Joey! “It’s the

principle!” I said, “Reverse it. “Let’s reverse it. “Let’s say your lady stayed out

all night. “You’d been calling and texting her all night, “she ain’t responded to

nothing. “She just walks in the house at 10:00 am. “In your mind, what was

she doing?” “Oh, that means she was out there sucking dick, “that’s what

that means she was doing.” I said, “That’s my point. “That’s what she’s

gonna think I was doing.” “Your lady gonna think you was sucking dick,

that’s what you telling me? “Well, you ain’t sucked no dick over here, I’ll tell

you that. “This ain’t the dick-sucking house, “so I don’t know where you did

that at.” “Joey, shut your dumb ass up! Shut up! “Bottom line, I’m not going

to my house like this.” I said, “Joey, I got a plan. “This is what I’m gonna do.

“Get up, get dressed. “Put on the same clothes you had on last night. “We’re

gonna get in my car. “I’m gonna run my car into a wall, okay? “That way the

airbags deploy. “When they deploy, I’ma take a selfie. “I’ma post it. “I’ma be
like, ‘Fuck! Another accident! Shit happens.’ “#HospitalReady.

“#iLoveMyLadyTho.” Um… “#TheDevilisALiar.

“#JesusTookTheWheelAgain.” The point that I’m making is that I was

willing to go through all those drastic measures just to avoid telling the truth.

The truth is, I was playing ping-pong. But if I walk in the house at 10:00 am,

as soon as I walk in the house, my lady in the kitchen, and she like, “Where

the fuck was you at last night?” And I go, “I was playing ping-pong!” And

then her black girlfriend pop out and she like, “Ping-pong? “Really?”

[AUDIENCE ECHOING]

I’m in trouble. I know my lady, people. I’ma tell you the worst thing about

my woman. The worst thing about her is her sense of humor. After I

proposed, I had to go to Atlanta for two months. I’m in Atlanta, I’m filming

a movie. I get to my hotel, I unpack my bag, I find a pocket pussy in my bag.

For those people here tonight who do not know what a pocket pussy is, a

pocket pussy… A pocket pussy is a pussy you put in your pocket. I don’t

know, people. It’s self-explanatory. I think the definition is in the title. All I

know is, I didn’t put it in my bag. I call her. “Hey! “You put this pocket pussy

in my bag?” “Yes. “Yes, I did.” “For what?” “Because you’re gonna be gone
for two months. “If you get the urge to do something, I suggest you do it “to

that pocket pussy.” “Girl, get off my phone. Bye.” “Bye.” I hang up the

phone, unpack my bag, I put the pocket pussy on the table. I walk by that

pocket pussy for three days, people. Each day became more difficult than the

day before. Day one… Day one, I was cool. “Ha! “She bought a pocket pussy,

put a pocket pussy in my bag! “She crazy, bought a pocket pussy!” Day two.

“Let me read the package. “What does it say? “Like, what is it?” Day three.

“I’ma open it ’cause I wanna smell it. “Is it real? “Like, what is it?” Day four

was the saddest day of my life. Day four was the day that I decided to fuck the

pocket pussy. Let me tell you when it got bad. It didn’t get bad until I caught

a reflection of what I was doing in the mirror. I was going to work on this

pocket pussy, people. I swear to God. I was butt-ass naked, sweating, talking

shit. “You think I’m just gonna walk by you every day? “That’s what you

think? “You asked for this. “You wanted this just as much as I did.” I was so

disappointed in myself. Let me tell you, here’s why I was mad. I was mad at

the fact that they make contraptions for men. Like, fellas, if we wanna use

something to please ourselves sexually, we look like creeps. Perverts. Women,

you got it made. You got cute shit. You got the bullet. The bullet is this big.

You can fit it in your coin purse. Use it at your desk at work. [MAKES
BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] [MAKES BUZZING NOISE]

[MOANING] “You all right, Carol?” “I am now.” “What the fuck happened

to you?” It’s not the same for men. I’ve been to the sex store. The shit that I

saw, it disgusted me. The pocket mouth. The pocket ass. The pocket titties. I

was disgusted. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! I bought all of it. I did. No, I know. I know.

That’s one of the longest walks I’ve ever taken back to my car in my life.

When they give you that pitch-black pervert plastic bag, you’re trying to look

normal.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

You look like a fucking creep. Everything about you says “creep”. You’re

trying to speak, “How you all doing? Everybody all right?” “Get your freaky

ass outta here, man! “I see that black plastic bag full of dicks. “Get your

dick-in-a-bag-ass outta here, man.” “Right, all right. Got you.” I was excited

when I got back to my hotel. I laid it all out on the bed. I was like, “All right.

“Who’s gonna get this dick first?” I was excited. I was excited ’cause I created

the perfect woman. I had the black ass, the white titties, the Latina mouth.

Whoo-hoo! Oh, man. It looked like somebody raped Mrs. Potato Head and

left it all over the place. [LAUGHING] “I couldn’t do it. I can’t do this shit.
“I can’t use this.” There’s only one thing that I’ve ever used for sexual

enhancement. One thing. One thing. I don’t give a shit, I’ll tell the truth. I’ll

be honest with you. I was having a bad week. It was a bad sex week for me. I

was cumming fast all week. It was a premie week. That’s what I called it. It

didn’t get bad until my lady gave me that frustration deep breath.

[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] Your lady ever give you that? She roll

over on you… [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] “You want me to rub

your back? “You all right? You want me to do anything? “I’m not drinking

enough water, that’s the problem. “I’m not drinking enough water. “I’m

dehydrated. “I really think that’s the problem.” I’ve only used one thing for

sexual enhancement. One thing. Good thing about me and my friends is we

fucking… We talk. We confide in one another. I called Nate. I said, “Nate, I

don’t know what’s going on with my body, man. “I’ve been cumming fast all

week, dude. “Is this a medical issue? “Like, really, do I need to go to the

doctor? “Is my blood level low? Do I need a pill?” He said, “Shut your ass up.

You’re a man. “Happens to the best of us.” He said, “If you wanna fix this

right away, I’ve got this numbing cream. “You put the numbing cream on

your shit before you do it, “it’ll numb you up, you’ll last forever.” I said,

“Nate, I need that tonight.” True story. I go to Nate’s house, he gives me the
cream, I put it on at his house. I call my lady, I start talking shit. “Hey, you’ve

been running your mouth all week. “As soon as I get home, “Operation

Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back is in session. “As soon as I get home.” “Whatever,

whatever.” “Ain’t no whatever. “Hole-In-Your-Back as soon as I get home.” I

get home, we go at it. She stops me, she starts giving me head. [MAKES

SUCKING NOISE] I stop her. We start doing it again. I’m talking shit.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh! “You did this! “You did this to yourself! “Look at you

sitting there, looking all stupid. “With that dumb-ass goddamn look on your

face. “Can’t say shit now. “Say something! “Say something! “Say something!

“Say something! “Say something! “Say something!” She said, [IN SQUEAKY

FEMALE VOICE] “I can’t feel my mouth.” [IN NORMAL VOICE] I said,

“What?” She said, “My mouth feels numb. “I can’t feel my mouth.” I look

down, slobber and shit coming out the side of her mouth. It dawned on me

she done sucked all the numbing cream off. But as a man, you can’t tell on

yourself. You gotta take this to the grave. So I just made some shit up. I said,

“You must be allergic to these pillowcases. “These are new pillowcases.” She’s

like, “I know.” She said, “I know, I’m gonna throw them in the trash.” I said,

“Yeah. “We gotta get rid of these.” This is what almost made me shit on

myself. She said… She said, “I don’t feel pretty.” “You don’t look it right now.
“This is fucked up. “This is bad for everybody. “You over here with that

permanent “going-down-on- the-roller-coaster face.” This is fucked up. “Oh,

no. Oh, no.” I let, like, a week go by, then I told her. I told her what

happened. I didn’t give a shit. I told you guys, I’m 36. 36 is the perfect age to

stop giving a shit. The shit that I used to care about, I don’t care about

anymore. Like when I wear white underwear. Now, I don’t care about

wearing ’em. Back then, if I had, like, shit stains in my drawers, I would try to

get my drawers before she saw them. Get ’em out of the house. Get in my car,

drive, cut ’em up, throw ’em out at different exits. “She ain’t never gonna find

these. “CSI couldn’t find these.” Why do women love to argue about obvious

shit? Like, she found a pair of my drawers with shit stains in them one time,

she confronted me. “Uh, excuse me. “What is this?” “Bitch, it’s shit. “What

do you think it is? It’s shit. “It’s perfectly placed in the crack of my ass. “What

else would it be? “What, you think I got a Sharpie and I’m fucking with you?

“You think I got a brown Sharpie, “and I’m like, ‘She’s gonna think this is

shit?’ “Smell it, it smells like shit.” I got mad ’cause I knew where I hid them.

So I tried to flip it. I was like, “What the fuck you doing behind the dresser?

“I hid those behind the dresser!”

Shit that I used to care about, I don’t care. I don’t care about not giving a shit

as long as I don’t go crazy. I don’t wanna become crazy. I respect crazy people

too much. The reason why, I’ve had too many situations with real-life crazy

people. I’ma tell you, the craziest situation I’ve ever been in, one night, I’m

drunk. I’m hungry. Everything’s closed, so I stop at a gas station. I go to the

gas station and it’s crowded. There’s like 13 people in line. I want my chips

and snacks that bad that I’m willing to wait in line. I decide to open up my

chips. I start eating them while I’m in line. Out of nowhere, the guy in front

of me snaps. “Sick of this shit! “Bitch on the register all fucking slow! “I bet

you’ll speed it up “when I start shooting these motherfuckers in the head!”

When I turned back around, we locked eyes. We’re looking at each other. I

panicked, I was like, “You took the words right outta my goddamn mouth! “I

was about to say the same shit!” He said, “Yeah, ’cause me and you brothers,

that’s why. “Don’t worry, I got this one. “You get the next one. You can

leave.” I said, “Thank you.” I left real fast. I didn’t say shit. I just walked out.

Let me tell you something. One of the most uncomfortable moments in my

life was the day that I had to walk by 13 people that have just been told that

they was about to die when I got chose to live. The reason why I was mad was

’cause they kept staring at me on my way out. I was like, “What? “He chose
me. “What do you want from me?” This one lady was like, “Call the cops.” I

was like, “I can’t. “My phone’s dead. “Just like you.” And I walked out. I was

like this. I was just happy to be alive. I got stories like that for days. I can give

you guys, by far, this is probably my most uncomfortable moment in life by

far. I’m at the airport. I just landed. I’m on my way to baggage claim. While

I’m walking to baggage claim, out of nowhere, my stomach tells my ass that I

gotta shit right now. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. I had to shut

my body down. Don’t nobody know what’s going on except me and my ass. I

had to lock my ass up. That’s when you just get tight ass. I’m having a

conversation with my ass. “Come on, man. “You really gonna do this shit

right now?” My ass was like, “Yup, right now.” “You can’t wait 20 minutes

till I get back to the house?” “Nope, you got 20 seconds. “Clock starts now.

“19, 18, 17, 16, 15…” I say, “You got to be shitting me.” He said, “I’m not,

but I will.” “Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait!” I don’t wanna go to the

bathroom at the airport, but I don’t have a choice. The reason why I don’t

wanna go to the bathroom at the airport is because I don’t want people

taking pictures of me going to the bathroom and coming out, posting it.

#KevinHartStinkybutt. People play too much. Social media shit has gotten

out of hand. But I can’t hold it, I have to go. I make the decision to use the
bathroom at the airport. I’m in the bathroom stall, right? Once again, people,

you cannot make shit like this up.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

This is what it looks like, people. No, I’m for real, this is a life-size photo.

This is really what it looks like. This is how small I am on an actual toilet. I’m

in the bathroom. It’s 6:30 in the morning. I’m by myself. By myself. It’s

quiet. It’s just like this. Quiet. This is what I hear outta nowhere. “Yo, Kev

Hart, how long you gonna be, man? “I wanna get a picture with you when

you come out.” Immediately I put my feet up. I did this right here. I said, if

he can’t see my feet, he’ll go away. He’s like, “Come on, man, I saw your feet

already. “I know you’re in there. “Just gimme a timeframe. “How long you

gonna be?” “Gimme like 15, 20 minutes, man.” “Come on, man, that’s too

long. “My flight leaves in like 10 minutes. Just pinch it. “Pinch it off for me.”

“What the fuck? “What? No, man. “Ain’t nobody’s pinching nothing, man.

“Just get outta here.” “Kev, don’t do me like that. “I’m your biggest fan, man.

“I support everything you do. “What would you do if you was me?” “I would

let me shit by myself, man. “Just get outta here.” He said, “Kev, come on.

“You know what? “This is what I’ma do, I’ma get my picture real quick. “I’m
just gonna put my phone over the stall, “I’ma snap a picture real quick.” The

fear that went through my body of looking up and seeing a camera flash. Oh,

my God, I was scared because I didn’t put toilet paper on the toilet seat. I

didn’t have time. I didn’t want that picture to get out ’cause I didn’t want my

fan base to know that I be raw-butting these toilet seats sometimes. I said y’all

gonna lose respect for me if you find out that I be raw-butting these toilet

seats. Listen, the reason why I had to go to the bathroom was because I drank

coffee. I don’t drink coffee. My lady drinks coffee. She had a vanilla latte, I

tasted it. I said, “God damn, babe. That’s good. What is that?” She said, “A

vanilla latte.” I said, “Yo, I’m gonna get me one. “Where’d you get it from?”

She said, “Starbucks.” I said, “I’m going.” She said, “Babe, “I should go with

you ’cause you’ve never been.” “Girl, shut up. I’m grown, “I’ma go by

myself.” “No, babe, I’m serious. “You don’t know how it works there. Let me

go with you.” “Girl, shut up. I’m fine.” I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks.

She keeps calling me while I’m on the way to Starbucks. “You get there yet?”

“You okay?” “You need my help?” Now I’m getting nervous. Like, what the

fuck is this place? I’m really getting nervous. I get to Starbucks, I’ve never

seen anything like it. I open the door, it’s mayhem. All I hear is noise.

“Gimme the frappe whap. “Frappe whap. “Frappe what, frapped lat. “Frappe
whap, fat lat.” I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m scared. I’m in line. I don’t

even know how I got in line, but I’m there. I’m like, in the middle. I’m trying

to fit in, but I know I don’t. I’m sweating. I’m next. Here’s what I don’t like.

I don’t like the pressure that the barista put on me for not knowing the lingo.

It’s my first time ever going to Starbucks, people. My first time. I’m like,

“Good morning. “Um… “It’s crowded, right? Shit. “Um, what do I want?

“Let me get a… “Let me get a vanilla lattet.” “I’m sorry, sir, what’d you say?”

“Is it… “Lemme get a vanilla latex. “Lattet. Let me get that.” “You mean

latte?” “Yes, that’s what I mean. “Let me get a small vanilla latte.” “Okay, sir,

that’s one tall vanilla latte.” “No. That’s not what I want. “I don’t want a tall,

I want a small.” “Sir, a tall is a small.” “No, it’s not. “If that’s the case, I

would be tall. “Tall is tall, a small is small.” You know what, I don’t wanna

cause a rut. “Whatever your version of a small is, lemme get that.” “How

would you like that, sir? “Would you like that iced or hot?” Fuck is going on,

man? What you talking about? Like, when I get nervous, I just repeat shit.

“Would I like it iced or hot? “Would I like it iced or hot? “Fuck. Um… “Shit.

“How would you get it?” The lady behind me was like, “Mmm.” She only

had one shoulder. I stopped talking to her immediately. I said, “Let me get it

iced.” She said, “What’d you say?” I said, “Hot. “Hot ice. Icy hot. “Put it
together like that. “That’s how I want it. That’s how I drink it.” “Sir, would

you like it whipped or blended?” [SINGSONG] “Would I like it whipped or

blended? “Shit. “Fuck. “Would I like it whipped or blended? [IN NORMAL

VOICE] “You know what, whip it. “Whip it, whip it real good. Just do

that.” “Sir, for $2 more, do you wanna make it a skinny?” “Well, you know, I

ain’t trying to leave with the fat bitch. “Do what you gotta do, man.” “Sir,

what kind of milk would you like? “Would you like whole milk, skim milk,

2%, soy?” “I didn’t even know there was that many milks, man. “Fuck. Shit.

“What, you all got the heat on? “God damn, my fucking ass is sweating.

“Can you back up? “God damn, back up! “You don’t see I’m trying to take

this test? “Shit. “How many? You say there’s four milks? “Fuck. “Put them

all in there. Give me every milk you’ve got. “I want every goddamn milk you

got. Put it in there.” “Sir, would you like to cut it with caramel, put

cinnamon on top?” “You know what? I just want to cancel it. “I don’t even

know what I have at this point. “Am I getting a latte or am I baking a fucking

cake? “Just let me… “Let me get a banana. “Can I get that banana? “Just put

some water in my hand “so I can put it on my face real quick.” “You want

that water to be hot or cold?” “What the fuck is your problem, man? “God

damn! Will you back up? “Back up! “Shit! “Relax, bend your knees.” “I can’t
bend my knees because I got attacked by an orangutan.” The black girl

popped out. “Orangutan? “Really?”

[AUDIENCE ECHOING]

I’m gonna be honest with y’all. I don’t like people that drink Starbucks

coffee. I really don’t. Matter of fact, if you’re a real Starbucks drinker and

you’re here tonight, make some noise. If you’re a real Starbucks drinker.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING] Okay, all of y’all can suck my balls. I wanted

you all to know who I was talking to. Here’s my question. Who the fuck do

you think you are? Like, do you hear what you order? Do you hear what

you’re asking people to bring you back? Have you ever made an innocent

Starbucks run for somebody? You don’t even drink it, you’re just being nice.

“Hey, man, I’m going to Starbucks real quick. I’ma get a bottle of water.

“Somebody want something?” It’s always one guy. You can tell he drinks way

too much coffee ’cause he got too much energy. [GRUNTS] “Hey! Yay!

Hey-yay-yay! “You going to Starbucks? “You going to Starbucks? You going

to Bucky’s? “Do me a favor, man. Let me get a, um… “Let me get a caramel

macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not

gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a
lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’

Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can

take a sip, you got it? “You ain’t got it. I’ma say it one more time. “Caramel

macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not

gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a

lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’

Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can

take a sip, you got it?” “Let me make sure I got it. “Let me say it back to you.

“Black coffee. Did I get it? “Is it black coffee? “‘Cause if you think I’ma go

across the street and say what you just said, “you can suck the back of my

dick twice on a Tuesday. “Not a lot, just with a little bit of soy. “Enough for

you to suck my dick and go… [SMACKS LIPS] ‘Oh, boy.’ “When you get to

the top of my dick, “slow down so I can know you really sucked that shit.”

Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart. Thank you! [AUDIENCE

CHEERING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you! God damn it,

thank you! I love y’all! Thank you, man!

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]

Thank you! From the top of this goddamn stadium to the bottom, thank

you! I love y’all, man! I’ll tell you what, Philadelphia. This is a fucking

moment, dude. This is a moment. You hear me? It’s a moment. When you

look around this room tonight, what I love the most is that I see every race,

ethnicity, nationality possible. You hear me? I see some of everybody. We all

came under the same roof and we laughed tonight. If you can laugh together,

you can live together. If you can live together, you can love together. I live by

those rules, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see that shit happen tonight. In my

city, I made fucking history, goddamn it. I’m in the record books, you hear

me? I am in the record books. My name is Kevin Hart, and this has been the

best night of my fucking life. You hear me? Thank you all. I appreciate you so

goddamn much. Good night. Peace. That’s a show! Did you see that? 53,000

people! Did you feel that energy? That love in the building? Yes. I saw it,

Kevin, you were great. What’s wrong? What’s going on? You know the man

you killed? Yeah. He wasn’t the leader. What you talking about? They’re

back. They’re here? We gotta go! Get the fuck outta here.

KEVIN: It’s Agent 5-4. I need a helicopter ASAP.

DISPATCHER ON RADIO: We need an ID challenge. Password, please.

Um… [SOFTLY] National Geographic titties are my favorite thing.

DISPATCHER: Sorry, Agent 5-4. You’re breaking up. Please come again?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Titties with no nipples on National Geographic

are my favorite thing to watch on TV. Titties with no nipples? That’s your

password?

DISPATCHER: ID confirmed, Agent 5-4. Helicopter en route. Thank you.

We’re picking up two inbound bogeys about half a mile east of your location.

Shit. They’re on our ass. [TIRES SCREECHING] [TIRES

SCREECHING]

KEVIN: Oh, shit. Get in. So what now? Now? Well, now we do the same

thing on a global scale. I think it’s time to show the world just how funny

Kevin Hart is.

SINGER: [SCREAMING] Kevin!

Let Me Explain (2013) – Transcript
The show starts with Kevin at a party with friends and fans. Some of the fans
start getting on his nerves by saying things that they say Kevin said-he denies it
and accusing him of doing things that he says he didn’t. One fan even accuses
Kevin of being a LAB, which stands for ‘Local-Ass-Bitch’ and it refers to where
he performs his stand up. Kevin gets so angry that he tells his agent, who luckily
is also at the party, that he needs to book Madison Square Garden right now, so
he can explain his side of things.​
Clips are shown of Kevin performing in other countries such as Sweden, The
Netherlands, Canada and England, all to sold out crowds. The rest of the
movie, he is shown at Madison Square Garden, New York, performing to a sold
out crowd

[At a club] Harry Ratchford: This is Harry GoodSpeed and the Plastic Cup
Boyz, here at the Kevin Hart mix and mingle after-party, baby. It’s going
down. Let’s go, baby! Hey, yo, that little jackass right there dancing!​
Kevin Hart: Hey, come on, get this! Craziness, as usual. Crazy. Yo, I’m about
to make a toast. You trying to roll?​
Harry Ratchford: No, no. I got some girls in the stairway waiting for me.​
Kevin Hart: All right, well… Ew! Nasty ass. Brian, come on. And stop leaving
me, jackass! Spank, I’m about to make a toast, yo.​
Kevin Hart [to the Crowd]: Hey! Hey, yo! Yo! Everybody, real quick. Let me
get your attention. Welcome to my mix and mingle event, everybody. Yeah,
that’s right, boy! We’re toasting to a great year, man. It’s been a great year for
me. We’re gonna have a blast tonight. Drinks are free, it’s all on me.​
Crowd: What up, Big K!​
Kevin Hart: It’s a celebration! Have fun, everybody!​
Party guy: Kevi-Kev! Baby boy!​
Kevin Hart: What’s up, baby?​
Party guy: How you feeling, baby? Good to see you. Hey, thank you for
inviting a dapper brother like me.​
Kevin Hart: No problem, man.​
Party guy: They say you ain’t been talking to your dad. Is that shit true?​
Kevin Hart: No. Let me explain something to you. Listen, that’s not…​
Party guy: Get your shit together.​
Kevin Hart: No. No, dude. Hey, hey. I can explain what…​
Girl[s]: Hey, boo!​
Kevin Hart: Wow! How you doing?​
Girl[s]: Is it true you don’t fuck with dark-skinned bitches no more?​
Kevin Hart: Huh? [tries to cover camera] You ain’t even dark-skinned! Let
me explain something to you.​
Girl[s]: No, no, no, no​
Kevin Hart: I said… Wait, now.​
Girl[s]: I don’t wanna hear it. Neither do my girls.​
Kevin Hart: Do your girls? Listen, let me talk to you.​
Harry Ratchford: [Pulling Kevin away]What are you doing, man?​
Kevin Hart: You got some goddamn nerve!​
Harry Ratchford: Get your ass over here, man.​
Kevin Hart: That girl be yelling at me. I can fucking yell back.​
Harry Ratchford: N i g g a, you asked for that! That’s the price of fame.​
Kevin Hart: That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.​
Harry Ratchford: I can’t deal with you, man. I need somebody to talk some
sense into your dumb ass.​
Kevin Hart: Harry​
Harry Ratchford: Yo, Spank! Kevin​
Hart: That’s stupid for you to get Spank.​
Harry Ratchford: Yo! Listen, jackass over here mad, ’cause he can’t compare
to Eddie Murphy.​
Kevin Hart: What was that?​
Spank: What?​
Kevin Hart: First, quiet. First of all, I never said anything like that.​
Spank: Dude! That’s the price of fame​
Kevin Hart: What the fuck are you… I never said… Let me explain something
to you, Spank. What I just said…​
Spank: Ain’t nobody trying to hear that shit. Hey, yo, yo. Yo. Hey, Na’im!
Fucking Kev over here getting upset because Soul Plane bombed.​
Na’im: It bombed. It flopped​
Spank: That was yesterday!​
Na’im: That’s the price of fame. You asked for this.​
Fan: Kev, Kev. Kevin motherfucking Hart​
Kevin Hart: Who the fuck is this?​
Fan: No. Hold on, man. Listen, I’m a fan.​
Kevin Hart: Oh, thank you​
Fan: But only in America.​
Kevin Hart: What?​
Fan: You ain’t shit until you perform in Paris.​
Kevin Hart: Okay​
Fan: Old LAB-ass n i g g a. Local-ass bitch. [subtitle: LAB / adj /:
local-ass-bitch]​
Crowd: Come on, y’all.​
Kevin Hart: Hey, Terry! Hey! Get him out of here!​
Fan: Hey! Hey! [On the roof, Kevin is alone]​
Kevin Hart: I can’t believe this shit, man. Whoo! You got to be kidding me. I
can’t even enjoy myself at my own mix and mingle party. I put this party
together! Why can’t I enjoy myself? ‘Cause I’m dealing with a bunch of
people who wanna tell me about my life. Why you gonna talk to yourself?
You know what? Be a man and confront somebody. Want me to explain
myself? [pause in thought] That’s exactly what I’mma do. [walking back into
the club] Nate! Nate! Where’s Nate at? Y’all seen Nate? Nate! Come here. I
know what I wanna do. I want you to call the Garden, tell them I’m coming
down there to get some shit off my chest right now.​
Nate: Kevin, all this food, and you want Olive Garden, man? For real?​
Kevin Hart: Nate, ain’t nobody talking about no goddamn Olive Garden.
I’m talking about Madison Square Garden, Nate. Tell them I’m coming
down there right now to explain some shit.​
Nate: We can’t just call the Garden.​
Kevin Hart: God damn it, Nate! What are you doing? Okay, look, we don’t
go back and forth. That’s not why I pay you. Okay, I pay you to do what I ask
you to do. Right now, what I’m asking you to do needs to get done. So do it!​
Nate: Kev, you know how many people Madison’s gonna hold?​
Kevin Hart: God, Nate, if I… Why am I going back and forth with you?
Huh? Is that your job? You don’t go back and forth with me. Nate, I’ll
punch you. I’ll double-punch your face, and I’ll break both of your eyes.​
Nate: You seriously the boss, Kev, all right.​
Kevin Hart: You’re goddamn right I’m the boss. And let me tell you
something about the boss. Sometimes, when the boss gets hungry, he turns
into an elephant. Which means he needs some nuts. And right now, I’m
about to get some nuts.​
Nate: Exactly what does that mean, though, Kev?​
Kevin Hart: Shut this party down. Right now.​
Nate: Shut the party down. Madison Square Garden. This n i g g a crazy.​
Kevin Hart: I’m about to go to Madison Square Garden and explain. Nate’s
setting it up right now. Don’t try to talk me out of it! I’m doing it right now!
Don’t try to stop me!​
Guy at the Party: Oh, shit!​
Kevin Hart: Don’t try to stop me!​
Plastic Cup Boyz: Hey, Kev, hold on!​
Kevin Hart: Well then, try and stop me! I’m going!​
Plastic Cup Boyz: Hey, Kev, what you doing, man?​
D.J.: What the fuck you doing, man? Don’t be touching my shit!​
Nate: Shut your ass up, man. Everybody, listen up! This party’s officially
over. Kevin’s about to go to Madison Square Garden ’cause he wants to
explain. Good night.​
Crowd: Shall we go? Where? He’s going to explain! Go! Go, go, go, go!​
Plastic Cup Boyz: Kev! Wait!​
Crowd: Oh, shit. Move, bitch!​
Kevin Hart: Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.​
Party Guy: Oh, hell no! Why this motherfucker didn’t take the elevator?​
Kevin Hart: God damn it. I should have took the elevator.​
Plastic Cup Boyz: Kev! What you doing?​
Kevin Hart: Get your goddamn hands off me.​
Plastic Cup Boyz: But the Garden? You gonna do the Garden?​
Kevin Hart: You’re damned right I’mma do the Garden!​
Plastic Cup Boyz: Man, he crazy.​
Kevin Hart: Why shouldn’t I?​
Plastic Cup Boyz: It’s gonna be 30,000 people at the Garden, my n i g g a.​
Kevin Hart: There’s 30,000 goddamn people at the Garden? Well, didn’t
nobody tell me that. I’m out, I’m out. Right now. I’m going. I’m about to
leave. To the Garden. Phew! [clearing his throat] Relax. Breathe, Kevin, you
are fine. You’re ready for this. Okay? It’s time! It’s time that you explained
this shit. [In a mind cloud]​
Girl[s]: Is it true you don’t fuck with dark-skinned bitches no more?​
Kevin Hart: Why would I not like dark-skinned girls? I don’t even know
where that came from. I’m friends with so many dark-skinned girls. So many.
My daughter’s dark-skinned! I love my daughter. So I guess I don’t love my
daughter? Boy, I will tell you. [In a mind cloud]​
Girl[s]: I heard his little ass don’t even talk to his ex-wife no more.​
Kevin Hart: Okay, me and my ex-wife are friends! What are you talking
about? “The divorce, did Kevin change?” “Oh, he Hollywood now. Kevin
Hollywood now, ’cause he got a divorce.” Please. We’re friends. We’re
applicable. We’re applicable. I hope I said that word right, ’cause I don’t even
know. [subtitle: He meant Amicable. We were scared to correct him.] But we
are. That’s the best thing about being a comedian, I can address it. I can talk
about it my damn self [In a mind cloud showing a picture of his DUI arrest]​
Hollywood reporter voice: Hey, look! It’s that hysterical comedian, Kevin
Hart.​
Kevin Hart: Yeah, well… There ain’t no way to explain that. That’s just… It’s
a bad day. [In a mind cloud]​
Fan: Old LAB-ass n i g g a.​
Kevin Hart: Okay, okay, now that’s enough…​
Fan: Local-ass bitch.​
Kevin Hart: I’m not gonna tolerate that. Not after what I’ve been through
this year. You’re not gonna call me no LAB, no “local-ass bitch.” You know
why? I traveled the world doing comedy, people. I did! You know what, I
don’t like the fact that I’m telling you this. I would much rather show you.
Look for yourself, people.​
[Montage of his world tour]​
Kevin Hart: This is my second time coming back here, and you guys have
shown me nothing but love.​
Fan[s]: Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Awesome. Kevin Hart is the funniest
man alive.​
Kevin Hart: You ain’t got no daddy Thank you for the love. Thank you for
the support.​
Fan[s]: We totally love him. Keep coming! It was amazing. I love Kevin.
Kevin​
Hart: I fucking love you, Toronto! Thank you!​
Fan[s]: The show was awesome! It was great. We love you, Kevin Hart! I feel
such genuine…​
Kevin Hart: You have no idea how much I love and appreciate y’all for the
fucking support that you guys have given me. [On the tour bus]​
Plastic Cup Boyz: You about to shit, ain’t you?​
Kevin Hart: No, no. Ain’t no shitting on the bus. Plastic Cup Boyz: It is if
it’s shitting on a good bus.​
Kevin Hart: No shitting on a bus. Plastic Cup Boyz: Downstairs?​
Kevin Hart: No, ain’t no shitting on the bus at all. I’m calling a team meeting
right now. No shitting. No shitting on the bus, dude.​
Plastic Cup Boyz: I can’t, man! I shit at least seven times a day. When they
gotta shit, we’ll pull over and go to… So we can pull over? Yeah.​
Kevin Hart: Yeah. We ain’t telling you to shit on yourself!​
Plastic Cup Boyz: Well, I will. Kevin Hart: I got a rule. A n i g g a shit on a
bus, you gotta pay that $500.​
Plastic Cup Boyz: $500 to take a shit? That’s a fine. So, how do I say.​
Kevin Hart: “What’s up, everybody?” Okay. Now, how many people know
who I am? Ask them.​
Crowd: I love Kevin Hart!​
Kevin Hart: Let me say something. I have never been to Oslo in my life.
Never, ever. And the first time I come here, you guys welcome me with a
sold-out show. Genuinely, I fucking thank you.​
Fan[s]: I loved him in Soul Plane. Definitely his best work. Well, Kevin,
you’re awesome. It was nice seeing you in Denmark. Yeah. We’ll miss you,
and you definitely need to come back. All right, all right, all right!
[Non-English language] [Subtitle: We love you Kevin Hart!] [Subtitle: You
and I are getting married tonight.]​
Kevin Hart: Amsterdam! Thank you for the love. Thank you for the
support. You wanna see if n i g g a s is weird or not? Be on a bus with them
for 10 hours. You’re gonna see a lot of shit.​
Plastic Cup Boyz: We’ve been driving for eight hours. We could have been
there in one on a goddamn plane.​
Kevin Hart: I think it was a smart decision.​
Plastic Cup Boyz: Man, this is the dumbest shit he ever did. Don’t nobody
do this. He’s still the same dumb motherfucker he was goddamn 27 years
ago. Just look like a bunch of idiots on a double-decker bus.​
Kevin Hart: Either get on a plane for two and a half hours, or take a bus for
10 hours and be with your friends and talk to one another.​
Plastic Cup Boyz: Some people on here stink. There’s a stench from hell. It’s
just a lot of funky-ass… It’s like gumbo. …I’ll-hygiene-ass n i g g a s on this
bus.​
Kevin Hart: It’s fucking disgusting. That’s why I stay back here in the
quarters, you know. Me and my lady, we lay back here in comfort. Hey, the
tour bus was a mistake! Birmingham, you guys are amazing. Thank you for
the love. I’m out.​
Fan[s]: It was chill!/ The show was hilarious. I love you!/ That was amazing.
That was a brilliant show. Kevin! …all the way. You gotta see him, you gotta
see him. Brilliant. Excellent. He’s sexy in real life/ All right, all right! I’m
gonna marry you. Whoo! Kevin! Come back to the UK and smash it again,
Kevin Hart. The guy is good all the time.​
Kevin Hart: Wow! London, this is crazy! I can’t believe this, man. I came here
and sold out. I appreciate you all. I love you all.​
Friends of Kevin: I really feel like Kevin has grown into the young mogul that
he really wants to be. Kevin was a guy that was true to his story. He knew
where he came from, he knew where he wanted to go. I’ve seen where we
started. And to see him go from a hole-in-the-wall bar in Atlantic City to
performing in front of 15,000 people, you know, you gotta take your hat off.
I mean, he can go into Norway, and Sweden and Denmark, and get the
reception that he’s getting. He’s becoming a global brand.​
Fan[s]: Everything he’s done, we’ve pretty much seen on YouTube.
YouTube/ YouTube. On YouTube, everything. I then saw him on YouTube
and I thought he was hilarious. But I’ve seen his stuff in YouTube, and I love
that, man. I’ve seen, like, every show on YouTube. I’ve seen all your shows on
YouTube, man! [Counter showing 63,000,000 views on YouTube]​
Friends of Kevin: I’m some 1,000 miles away in other countries, and the love
that this cat is getting… He’s so loyal. Like, he doesn’t want anybody to feel
like he’s not there for them. This is a team. This has been running for four
years strong, and we all work good together.​
Kevin Hart: God, be that angel in my corner like you always are. Mom, I
know you’re watching over me, and I know you’re proud. Amen.

***

[Stand up Begins] [The crowd cheers as Hart enters in hip hop fashion with
bright signs, music, and fire. While he walks around stage.]​
Kevin Hart: I know I’m in Madison Square Garden, and this shit is sold out.
Y’all better make some fucking noise! I’m gonna say it again. I know I’m in
fucking Madison Square Garden. This bitch sold out. Y’all better make some
fucking noise! Uh… [Pause as crowd cheers. Hart is pointing to backstage]
You see my fire? You see my fire? You got to be a big deal to have fire,
people. [pointing at himself] It means I’m a big goddamn deal. Let me tell
you why I got fire. Let me tell you why. I went to go see Jay-Z and Kanye
perform, right? These n i g g a s had a bunch of fire. I was like, “Yo, this show
is the shit, ’cause they got fire.” No comedian has ever had fire. I’m about to
be the first comedian with some fucking fire. So… Because of that,
throughout my show, you’re gonna see a bunch of pointless fire. You’re
laughing? I’m not playing. I’m dead serious. You think it’s a game? Give fire
for these bitches one time. [fire explodes, Hart raises his hand with the fire.]
There’s about to be a bunch of fucking fire. This show’s gonna be hot.
Literally. [Pause as crowd cheers]
Um… Lot of shit to talk about, man. I wanna talk about the fact that I’m
happy. I’m happy right now, people. Uh… [crowd cheers] I wanna explain
why I’m happy. First of all, my divorce is final. That’s the first reason why.
[crowd cheers again] Now, here’s what I wanna explain about my divorce.
Everybody assumes that because you went through a divorce, you went
through a fucked-up period of life. You hate each other. You’re enemies. It’s
not true. At the end of the day, that’s the mother of my kids. I’m always
gonna respect her as the mother of my kids. She’s happy, she’s moved on. I’m
happy, I’ve moved on. I’m happier than she is, though. [crowd laughs] I am.
No, I am. I’m doing a lot of happy shit right now, people. You have no idea. I
took a fucking walk the other day. Do you know how happy you gotta be to
take a goddamn walk? To just go outside and start fucking walking? I knew I
was happy because I was talking to myself while I was walking. I was like,
“You hungry?” [talking is a different voice] [mouth click] “I could eat.”
[talking normal again] It was just me, though. Right? Nobody else was there.
I stopped, I fed pigeons. That’s some happy shit! You gotta be happy to feed
pigeons. Here’s a beautiful thing about me feeding pigeons. When I was
done feeding the pigeons, I didn’t have to lie about it. See, when you’re
married, you lie about shit like that. Because you don’t believe that your wife
would ever believe that you were doing something as dumb as feeding some
goddamn pigeons. There’s not a married man sitting in this audience right
now that can go out and feed pigeons, and his wife calls, and she says, “Babe,
where you at?” And you go, “I’m feeding pigeons.” And she believes that he
was feeding some fucking pigeons. It’ll never happen. It’s an argument off
the bat. “Where you at, babe?” “I’m out here feeding pigeons.” “You ain’t
feeding no damn pigeons!” “What’re you talking about? I am feeding the
pigeons.” “Then put the pigeon on the fucking phone.” “What?” “Let me
talk to the goddamn pigeon.” [making pigeon sounds] “That ain’t no
pigeon.” [Waving his hands like a woman talking] “Tell the bitch sitting next
to you that’s making pigeon noises on the phone, when I see her, I’m gonna
beat her ass. Oh, fake pigeon noise making ass’bitch… Oh, not knowing how
to sound like a pigeon ass’ bitch… Matter of fact, tell that bitch that when I
see her, I’m gonna grab a real pigeon and smack the shit out of her with it.
She could see what a real pigeon sounds like. Oh, false pigeon vocal chord
having ass’ bitch.” I’m fucking killing y’all, man. Get fire on these bitches one
time. [Fire from backstage, Hart waves his hands again] [crowd cheers]

I… I’m at a point now where I understand who I am as a man. I know my

pros, I know my cons. Here’s, here’s what’s bad about me, people. I’m a liar.
I love to lie. Uh… I don’t know why. I wish I could stop. I can’t. I think I’m
sick. It’s a disease. Um… I don’t even tell good lies. I tell a bunch of dumb-ass
lies on a regular basis. Let me tell you something. There’s nothing worse than
telling a dumb-ass lie and getting caught telling a dumb-ass lie. For example, I
don’t like talking on my cell phone. I can’t stand talking on my phone. But I
don’t know how to tell people that I don’t like to talk on my phone. I think
that makes me, like, an asshole, so I’d much rather lie about it. Here’s how I
got caught the other day. I’m in my car, I’m driving. My boy calls me when
I’m driving, I pick up, “Yo, what up?” “Kev, what’s going on?” Instantly, I lie.
I said, “Dude, I can’t be on the phone like that. I’m out of the country. I’m
not trying to have a high-ass phone bill.” [putting his hand up] This is no
bullshit. This is what I heard, he said, [making a strange face] “N i g g a, ain’t
that you at the stoplight right there in front of me?” I said, “What?” I’m so
oblivious at lying, I waved. “What’s up, man? What’s going on with you,
baby?” “Why you said you was out of the country?” “I didn’t say that. I never
said that.”

I don’t wanna be a liar. I don’t. I blame y’all. It’s your fault. ‘Cause y’all put
me in positions where I have no choice but to lie. For example, I’m here. I’m
in New York. I’m at the airport. I’m in baggage claim, right? This girl sees
me, she goes off. She loses her fucking mind. Soon as she saw me, she was
like, [in a very strange girl-like voice making extreme body movements] “oh,
my God, no, Kevin! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! I can’t believe this! God must
be playing a trick on me! God must be playing a trick on me! Oh, my God! I
said I was gonna see you and then I see you, and now I’m looking at you. Oh,
my God, I can’t believe it. Oh, my God! Can you do me a favor? Can you
wait here for, like, 30 minutes? My mom is about to land. She would love to
get a picture with you.” [Back to his normal voice] I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I’ll
wait. Go ahead, go get her.” As soon as she left, I took off. [crowd laughs]
Bitch, I’m not standing here for no No! Kill yourself. Die! Today! Death to
you, bitch, die! I’m not fucking waiting for you. But I can’t say that. If I say
that, that makes me, like, an asshole.

There are certain lies that I can’t tell. For example, I can’t tell big lies.
Reason why I can’t tell big lies is because I’m one of those people that start to
believe the lie. Like, once I get that ball rolling, I can’t stop. You know who I
respect? I respect people that work a nine-to-five job that could show up late
for work without an excuse. They show up, take full responsibility. “Hey, I’m
sorry I’m late. It’ll never happen again. I overslept, I apologize. It’s
irresponsible on my behalf. If I do it again, fire me.” I respect people that can
do that. ‘Cause I can’t do that, ’cause I’m a fucking liar. I am. If I’m late,
something happened. I don’t give a shit. Something drastic happened. “Yo,
dude, sorry I’m late. I was on the highway and a fucking baby was running
on the highway. Yeah, I know, right? Shit’s crazy. So I get out of the car, I start
chasing the baby. In my mind, I’m like, ‘Why’re you running, baby?’ That’s
what I’m thinking, right? I’m like, ‘What do you do?’ ‘Cause I can’t just grab
the baby and throw the baby in the car, that’s kidnapping. I fuck around and
go to jail. I got a little butt, I’ll get raped. I know they’ll fucking rape me in
jail. I ain’t trying to get raped. So I had to make a decision. I was like, ‘Shit,
what do I do?’ So I decided to adopt the baby. What I did was, I downloaded
this app on my iPhone, this Adopt the Baby app, right? I put the barcode on
the baby head. Boop! That way the baby knew he was my baby. I put the
baby in the car, I go to pull off, I turn around, a deer was running towards
the car. So I’m like, ‘Oh, shit! This deer is about to eat the baby!’ That’s what
I’m thinking, right? But then I looked closer, I noticed the front part of the
deer was a deer, the back half was a zebra. It was half deer, half zebra. So I’m
like, ‘Oh, shit! It’s a deerbra!’ Like, that’s what I’m thinking, ‘It’s a fucking
deerbra.’ So I call the zoo, I’m like, ‘Yo, there’s a fucking deerbra out here on
the highway!’ He was like, ‘What’s that?’ I was like, ‘Half deer, half zebra.’
He was like, ‘Did you just make that up?’ I was like, ‘I think so.’ Um… He
said, ‘Well, bring it down.’ So I get down there, he sees it, he’s like, ‘Oh, shit,
it’s half deer, half zebra!’ I said, ‘That’s what I was trying to tell you on the
phone, it’s a deerbra. He was like, Okay, what do you want? Do you want
money for it?’ I said, No, I don’t have that type of time. ‘I gotta get back to
the car because my new son is in the car by hisself. So I get back to the car,
turns out, the baby that I thought was a baby wasn’t a baby. It was a
grown-ass man with Benjamin Button disease. Let me tell you how I
figured this out. I figured this out, ‘ cause when I got to the car, the baby
woke up. I was like, ‘Hey, I’m your new dad. I’ve just adopted you. He was
like, ‘You ain’t my dad, bitch! I’m 65. I said, ‘Goddamn!’ He said, ‘I got a
disease. I was like, ‘You got that Benjamin Button. He was like, ‘Where’s my
deerbra? [confident face] I said, ‘I knew that was a fucking deerbra, I knew it
was. I just took it to the zoo. He was like, ‘Well, how the fuck am I supposed
to get home? [strange face] I said, ‘You ride that motherfucker, man?
Anyway, long story short, that’s why I’m five minutes late for work, ’cause it
took a long-ass time for me to get the fucking deerbra in the car.”

Understand something, people. Lying will ruin your life. Lying will ruin your
goddamn life. Lying ruined my marriage. True shit, sweetie. Lying ruined
my goddamn marriage. That’s a lie, I cheated. [crowd laughs] Let’s talk about
it, though, let’s figure it out. Don’t judge me. Let me explain. Um… Yes. Yes,
people, I cheated. Am I ashamed of it? No. No, I am not. Do I wish that I
could take it back? No. No, I don’t. Let me tell you why. You can’t evolve as a
man if you never make a mistake. The only way that you could be perfect is
to fuck up. I get it, I fucked up. “Don’t cheat.” Nah! Whatever. Now, do I..
Do I think cheating was the problem? No, I don’t.

Cheating was not the problem. Lying about cheating was the problem. If I’d
had been honest about it, might have worked it out. But I wasn’t. I lied. And
I didn’t just lie on myself, I put my best friend in my lie. Now I don’t think
that’s a bad thing to do. Let me explain why. If you’re my best friend, I
shouldn’t have to ask you to lie for me. I shouldn’t have to ask your
permission for me to put you in my lie. You know why? ‘Cause you’re my
best fucking friend, bitch. That’s your job. The day that we signed up and
said that we best friends, that means that [pointing back and forth] my
bullshit is your bullshit. And your bullshit is my bullshit. If you’re my real
best friend, you should know that I need you to lie for me by the look on my
face. If I’m looking at you and I’m not blinking, if I’m like this… [staring
wide eyed with his hands open] [crowd laughs] that’s a goddamn sign. That
means, “The bitch got the drop on us. My back is against the wall. This is not
a test. It’s the real deal, help me! Help me! [very exaggerated] N i g g a! Help
me! My friend Harry ignored all signs, okay? Let me tell you how shit hit the
fan. I come in the house, right? Come in the house, like, 4:00 in the morning.
I’m drunk, people. Drunk as shit. I have no balance. I’m all over the place.
I’m rocking back and forth. Soon as I walk in the house, she wakes up, she
goes off. “You know what? I’m sick of this. I know you’s probably out with
some bitch. You was probably messing with some bitch.” Now, I’m drunk, I
don’t wanna respond, because I don’t have any balance. I’m rocking back and
forth. You don’t look believable when you’re rocking back and forth. So I
had to choose a stance in which I looked believable. So I chose this. [standing
with his legs in a lunging position and his hands at head level] I said, “Let me
tell you something, listen to me. “Wasn’t nobody with no bitch, okay?

You’re wrong. Matter of fact, to prove you wrong, I’m gonna call Harry.
Harry not expecting me to call right now, so Harry don’t have no reason to
lie. And I’m gonna put it on speakerphone. [pointing] About to make you
feel stupid. Watch this. Watch how fucking stupid you feel. Watch. Watch
this. [dialing his phone] Harry. Harry, real quick, don’t lie.” Let’s stop right
there. [Crowd laughs] Let’s just stop right there for a second. What does that
mean? What does that mean, people? Lie. It means, lie. Right now. That
means, “The bitch got the drop on us. My back is against the wall. This is not
a test. It’s the real deal, help me! Help me! [very exaggerated] N i g g a! Help
me!” Harry ignored all signs. I’m gonna tell you exactly what Harry said. I
said, “Harry. Harry, real quick, don’t lie. Where’re we coming from right
now?” He said, “Man, you was with that bitch with the fat ass.” [In his
strange girl like voice] “What? Oh, no. “No, no, no, no. “Oh, no. No, no, no,
no.” Yo. [high pitched voice] I was so fucking scared. I was so scared. I mean,
this bitch gonna kill me. She’s gonna fucking kill me. [normal voice] See, but
understand something. I’m not mad at Harry. The reason I’m not mad at
Harry is because Harry has done some dumb shit, but I understand who he
is. See, Harry might be the smartest dumbest friend that I’ve ever had in my
life, okay?

Let me tell you the dumbest thing that Harry has ever done. Harry invented
the code for us to use to let each other know when we were around our
women. Basically, if somebody used the code, it means, “Don’t say anything
stupid. You might be on speakerphone. Don’t say nothing dumb. The phone
might be loud enough so my girl can hear whatever it is you’re saying.” It
means, “Don’t say anything that could jeopardize our relationship.” The
code was, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” That’s the code, people. “Man, I’m
hungry as shit.” Here’s what pissed me off about the code. [exaggerated]
Harry invented the fucking code. So there’s no reason why Harry should
have messed up the code. Here’s how Harry messes it up. I’m in the car with
my lady. I’m driving, she’s in the passenger seat. Harry calls me when I’m in
the car. I got the Bluetooth shit in the car, so my phone rings, the whole car
rings. Harry’s name pops up on the dashboard. I answer, “What up, boy?”
“Kev, what’s going on?” “Ain’t shit.” This is how I knew the conversation
was about to take a turn for the worse. This is how I knew it was about to get
filthy. He said, “N i g g a!” [blank stare and strange look along with noises]
“Harry, hey, hey. Man, I’m hungry as shit!” He said, “I’m not. I just ate.”
“What? What! Harry!” Harry! Harry!” I said, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” He
says, “Yo, you should go to Subway and get the footlong for five dollars.”
“What the fuck! Harry! Harry!” I said, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” He said,
“Oh, that must mean you’re ready to eat these white bitches.” [In his strange
girl like voice] “What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I ain’t eating
no white bitch. I ain’t eating no white bitches. “I never did. Oh, my God, no.
Oh, no.” [normal voice] Yo, have you ever been in trouble with your girl to
the point where you’re afraid to look at her, [pointing to his head] but you
can feel her staring at the side of your goddamn face? I was so scared, I never
looked at her. I just looked straight and started making dumb-ass noises.
[beatbox noises while driving] I started pointing out shit. “Oh, look, a
deerbra! You see it? I just saw a deerbra.” I’m fucking killing y’all, man. Get
fire on these bitches again. [Fire from backstage, Hart waves his hands again]
[crowd cheers]

Now, here’s the thing. I’m not upset with Harry for doing all the dumb shit
that he’s done. Reason why is because I’ve learned so much from Harry. Like,
literally, now I know what to do, what not to do. I know what I want, what I
don’t want. And, fellas, I’m not selfish with this information. I feel like it’s
my job to educate y’all. I can tell you what you want in your life, what you
don’t. I can tell you the one thing that you do not want in your household.
Fellas, the one thing that you don’t want in your household is a female that
doesn’t trust you. Only thing that’s worse than a female that doesn’t trust
you is a female that doesn’t trust you that has no proof for why she doesn’t
trust you. That bitch is crazy. Let me tell you why. She’s crazy because she has
so many thoughts in her head about what you might be doing, and it pisses
her off that she can’t figure it out. That’s why she sits in the house all day,
trying to put pieces to a puzzle together that doesn’t exist. [leaning down
with a crazy look] “Oh, he done fucked up. Oh, this n i g g a fucked up. What
the fuck is this right here? Oh, I got his ass now.” This is a woman that’ll look
at you and say crazy shit like, [leaning down with a crazy look, rocking side to
side] “Don’t act like I’m fucking crazy, n i g g a.” You ever see a girl say shit
like that? She look crazy as shit while she say it. [leaning down with a crazy
look, rocking side to side] “Don’t act like I’m fucking crazy.” Let me tell you
something. Any bitch that do this shit right here… [leaning down with a
crazy look, leaning on one side] is a goddamn psychopath, you hear me? Any
bitch that argue with you to the side, [leaning down with a crazy look,
rocking side to side] “Oh, you got a bitch fucked up, you hear me? You got
me fucked up. You got me fucked up. You got me fucked up, n i g g a.”
That’s a different level of woman. She’s fucking crazy. This woman is so crazy
that when she thinks, when she thinks that she’s caught you cheating, before
she talks to you, she’s gotta have a conversation with herself. She’s gotta talk
to herself. [Walking to the side] Here’s my impression of a crazy woman
talking to their self. [Walking around stage drastically] “Oh, yeah. Oh, we got
his ass now. We got his ass now. “You ready, bitch?” “Bitch, I’m ready.” Ain’t
nobody there, it’s just her. Now, she’s so crazy that she can’t even stick to the
plan. The plan is to see you. When she sees you, she’s supposed to show you
whatever she found. You’re supposed to talk about it, figure out the next
steps in your relationship. But she’s crazy. There’s so much bottled up
emotion and built-up tension inside. As soon as she sees your face, she snaps.
She fucking loses it. Soon as you walk through the door, “Shut the fuck up!
Shut up! Don’t say shit! You’re a piece of shit! [In his strange girl like voice]
Oh, my God, [scream] no.” Hey, have you ever seen a woman go from frantic
to calm? Like, real fast? [angry] “Motherfucker, you’re a piece of shit! [sad] “I
can’t believe you’re hurting me! [angry] “But it’s gonna be the last time that
you do some shit like this to me. [sad] “I don’t give a fuck about it! I don’t
give a fuck! [angry] “Let me tell you something, n i g g a. You’re gonna get
your shit together, [sad] “or you’re gonna get out!” She’s a fucking
psychopath, man.

Crazy women always wanna tell you what you did. They always wanna
run down the story. [angry woman] “Let me tell you why you fucked up.
Last night, you come in here, you’re a little drunk, you’re a little tipsy. You
start to go to sleep on the couch. You take your pants off, you put your pants
on the floor. Something told me, something told me, something was like,
Girl, go through his pants. I was like, ‘All right.” [crazy face] That’s the crazy
girl face. [crazy face] “All right. So, I get up, I go through your pants, I found
a receipt. You had a receipt in your pants for some gas. But it wasn’t any old
kind of gas, it was regular gas. That’s funny, I’m with you all the time. I’ve
never seen you use regular gas.” Ladies, let me ask you a question. Why is it
that whenever you’re arguing with your man and you repeat yourself, the
second time you say it, you get loud as shit as if you solved the case? “That’s
funny, I’ve never seen you use regular gas. I’ve never seen you use regular gas!
You know who put the regular gas in the car? That regular bitch that you was
with. That’s who put the regular gas in the car. Shut your ass up! Shut up!
You’re caught. You’re a piece of shit! Look at you! You got glitter all on your
face. Mismatched socks!”

Now, ladies, let me explain something to you. 99% of the time you are
right. 99% of the time you are right. That 1% when you’re wrong, that’s the
day that men live for. We live for the day that we can make you look dumb as
shit. That’s our goal as men. I’mma tell you three words that you never
wanna hear come out of your man’s mouth. If your man ever hit you with
these words, shut up. Don’t say shit, he’s about to make you look stupid. If
you’re going off, you’re snapping, “Shut the fuck up. You’re a piece of shit. I
hate you.” [angry noise] If he hit you with this right here, [pointing, using a
deep smooth voice] “Are you done? Are you done?” He get cocky. “Are
you done? Are you done? Okay. Okay.” I’m about to shit on this bitch right
now. Are you done? You’re done, right? You’re done, right? Are you done?
Are you done? Okay, okay. [normal voice again] “I’m laughing, I’m laughing
because you don’t even know what happened. See, last night, you was the
one at the club that started to drink a whole bottle of Patron by yourself.
You’re the one that passed out in the club. I’m the one that picked you up,
carried you out of the club, put you in the car. We got in the car, we started
driving home, I realized I lost my wallet. I said, ‘Damn, babe, we need gas. I
don’t have my wallet. You got any money on you? You said, in a very drunk
voice, I got three dollars. I said, ‘What the fuck are we supposed to do with
three dollars? You said, ‘We gonna put some regular gas up in this
motherfucker. I said, ‘Fine. We put the regular gas in the car, I drive home
fast, ’cause I didn’t wanna run out of the regular gas. When we got home, you
felt sick because of the way I was driving. You fucking went upstairs, you
start throwing up. I got naked, I got into bed. I kept my socks on, though.
First of all, you know I sleep with my socks on because I got ugly feet. I’m
insecure about my feet. My fear is, if I don’t sleep with socks on, we’re gonna
get robbed. And whoever has the gun is gonna look at my feet and they’re
gonna be like, Oh, shit. Ew!’ Barn! Shoot me in the fucking foot. I’m gonna
have another ugly-ass goddamn foot. So you start calling me. You’s like, ‘Kev,
come help me. I’m throwing up. I come running to the bathroom, you got
throw-up all over the floor. I stepped in it, ew, took my sock off, I put your
sock on. That’s why my sock got a ball on the back of it. Picked you up, put
you on my shoulder. The reason why I got glitter on my face, it’s because you
use that cheap-ass glitter lotion on your ass. So when I held you like this, your
ass was rubbing against the side of my goddamn face. Ran in the room, I
threw you in the bed. I didn’t get into bed, ’cause you smelled like throw-up.
I’m not getting in the bed with nobody that smells like throw-up. You know
why I’m not getting in the bed with nobody who smells like throw-up?
‘Cause it’s gonna make me fucking throw up! So I went downstairs, I slept
on the couch. With that being said, don’t say shit else to me. You’re wrong!
I’m out!”

This face that women make is priceless. [making an innocent face] “It’s not
even like that. Listen, come here, it’s not even… I don’t even wanna debate…
Listen, come here, let me suck your dick. I wanna suck your dick. Let me
suck your dick while the football game is on, for the whole game. I’m gonna
suck your dick for the whole game.” Men are so stupid, we’d be in the middle
of storming out. “For the whole game? You would do it for the whole game?
For half-time and everything? You’re gonna suck it for the whole game? Deal.
You got a goddamn deal. “Well, you better get to sucking right now, ’cause
it’s a long game.”

Now, here’s my advice to you, fellas. If your woman is going through that
insecure period where she’s questioning you, she’s going through your shit,
my advice is, stop her. “Babe, stop, whatever you’re looking for, don’t look
anymore. You’re right, I’m wrong. I need to do better.” The reason I say do
that is because you don’t wanna see your woman go through that crazy
point of no return. See, I’ve seen a woman get here. It’s unattractive. The
reason why it’s unattractive is ’cause when a woman reaches a certain level of
crazy, she doesn’t know that she’s being crazy. Everybody else knows.
Everybody else sees it. “Hey, that bitch in the corner with the diaper on her
face is fucking crazy, yo. She’s fucking crazy. She’s a psychopath.” Everybody
else knows except her.

Here’s the thing, I was in that situation. I saw a woman get crazy. Let me tell
you how I knew this one chick went wild, okay? We’re in the house one day,
arguing, all fucking day. Gets to the point where I’m like, “You know what, I
can’t argue with you no more. My head hurts. I’m done. I’m getting in the
shower. I’m getting dressed. I’m going to the store.” True story, people.
Exactly what I do. Get in the shower, get dressed, get in my car, start driving
to the store. On the way to the store, I hit a speed bump. When I hit the
speed bump, I hear a lot of noise in the trunk. Boom! Ba-dum-doo! Boom!
“That’s weird, I ain’t put shit in the trunk. What the fuck is all that noise in
the goddamn trunk?” I’m small. I get scared fast. So I get out of the car, I pop
the trunk, this is some true shit. I pop the trunk. When I pop the trunk, this
bitch was stooped down in the trunk like this, looking at me. [stooped down
with a crazy look] I see her in the goddamn trunk. I see her see me see her in
the goddamn trunk. “I just caught you in the trunk of my car. You gotta say
something to justify what the fuck I’m looking at. What the fuck are you
doing in the goddamn trunk?” With a straight face, she looks at me, jumps
out of the trunk, rolls her eyes and takes off, as if I never saw her. [acting like
he’s running]

Now, let me tell you why I had an attitude. I had an attitude because we live
together. Like, “I’m gonna see you tonight. We have to address this at some
point in time.” I said, “No, fuck that. We’re gonna talk about this right now.”
I get in the car, I drive home. Here’s where it gets crazier. When I get home,
she in the kitchen cooking, right? I walk in the house, she said, “Hey, babe,
you hungry?” “Bitch, what the… [confused face] Oh! I don’t wanna talk
about no goddamn food. I wanna talk about why I popped the trunk and
you popped out of the goddamn trunk like a goddamn Jack-in-the-box. The
fuck were you doing in the goddamn trunk?” With a straight face, she looked
at me, she said, “I wasn’t in no goddamn trunk.” [confused face] “Bitch, I
saw you see me see you in the goddamn trunk.” [leaning to the side with a
crazy face] “You ain’t see me in no goddamn trunk. You must have saw one of
them other bitches you’ve been fucking with, goddamn trunk, n i g g a!” It
messed me up so bad, I started thinking. I was like… [confused face] “Did I
have another bitch in the trunk? I might have… Oh, no, I might have put
another bitch in the trunk and forgot she was in the trunk.”
These are real-life situations. And after something like that happens, every
man’s reaction is the same. We all say the same shit, we all do the same shit. “I
ain’t getting with no crazy-ass woman. Ain’t no way in hell I’m getting with a
crazy-ass woman. I’d rather be with myself.” That’s what you do, you live the
single life. Single life is amazing at first. Reason why it’s amazing is
because every night, you’re with your boys, you’re drinking, you’re meeting
women, having a good time. Reality doesn’t hit you about how bad the
single life is until you call your friends to go out, and on that night, none of
your friends are available, ’cause they’re out with their women. That’s when
reality hits you. “Yo, what up, boy? What you want to do tonight?” “Oh,
man, I ain’t doing nothing. It’s cupcake Tuesdays. Me and my lady, we’re
making cupcakes. Red velvet. I get to lick the bowl and everything.” “‘Lick
the bowl’? Man, get the fuck off my phone.” “Hey, don’t be mad at me ’cause
you ain’t got no bowl to lick.” “What?”

Then you start to rethink your whole decision. “Damn. Did I have a good
woman? Shit, man. I might have had a good woman. You know what, I need
to get my lady back.” Thing is, you can’t go back the way you left. You gotta
reinvent yourself. You gotta make it look like you’re making an effort to get
your woman back. Here’s how dumb I am. This is what I do. I come back.
“Babe, I got an idea. It’s gonna be great. It’s gonna put the spark back in our
relationship. It’s gonna make us fall in love, okay? We’ve never done it. Let’s
do it for the first time together. We should both take ecstasy one time. We
should pop the pill. Hear me out. Hear me out. It’s an emotional drug, okay?
It’s gonna make us talk. We’re gonna have sex. It’s gonna be the best.” She
said, “Fine, let’s do it.” She takes the pill. Her pill gives her all the right
reactions. I take the pill. My pill… Okay. My… My pill made me believe that I
was a drug dealer. This is some real shit. I wish I was making this shit up. I
can’t make this up, people. I don’t know where it came from. I snapped. We
were talking. She was like, “Babe, I just wanna be happy. I want the disrespect
to stop.” “Let me tell you something, you’re worried about fucking
disrespect? That’s what you’re worried about? Hmm? What you need to be
worried about is how I’m gonna deliver this kilo of cocaine to fucking
Pablo.” She was like, “What? What’re you talking about?” “Girl, what the
hell do you think I’m talking about? Where you think all this money come
from? Jokes? Is that what you think? Huh? [leaned over slightly with a funny
look on his face] You think I’m out here making funny money? Is that it?
Huh? [dancing like a gangsta] Bitch, I’m in the game. I’m out here in the
fucking streets. Okay? I gotta cook it, cut it, bake it, boop! Fly that shit.” She
was like, “Oh, my God, what about the kids?” “Fuck them kids, bitch. I’m
out here riding around and getting it, bird gang. You don’t even know my
life, bitch.” Listen, let me tell you how messed up I was. I was ass naked,
walking around the house like this. [holding his hand with his pointer finger
out like it’s a gun] In my mind, this was a gun. I really believed that my hand
was a gun. I was making threats. I said, “Let me tell you something. If
anybody on the block try to touch my product, chitty, chitty, bang, bang, n i
g g a s gonna die.” She was like, “Calm down, calm down.” This was how I
knew she was fucked up. This was how I knew she was fucked up. [turning
around] ‘Cause I turn around like this, right? [acting dramatic] She was like,
“Don’t shoot me.” “Ain’t nobody gonna shoot you. I got the safety on. You
need to fucking chill out.”
Y’all are laughing? I’m being serious. I was messed up. I tried to fuck a
beanbag that night. I was ass naked on the beanbag for two hours, doing this
shit by myself. [moving provocatively] I was sweating, but I didn’t know it
was me. I thought it was the beanbag. I was like, “Oh, this beanbag’s wet as
shit. This beanbag’s about to get this long dick. That’s what you’re gonna
get, beanbag. You’re gonna learn today, beanbag. You hear me? You will learn
today.”

That’s an old chapter of my life, people. Right now, I’m in a new chapter. In
this chapter, reality has hit. Reality is, I’m single. Fucking dating. I can do
what I want now. Now, here’s the scary thing about dating for me. I believe
in karma. Whatever you do in life is gonna come full circle at some point in
time. I know it is, okay? My fear is, I’m gonna fuck around and fall in love,
and I’m gonna get hurt.

When I think about getting hurt, I think about the ultimate level of getting
hurt. Like, I’m gonna try to surprise my lady on her lunch break. She would
be in the car giving some dude head, I’m fucking around to see it. Now, I
know I’m not strong enough to deal with that. I’m too emotional. I break
down. [In his strange girl like voice] Hmm. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.
“Pick your head up. Don’t finish. Don’t finish it. “Jesus, take the wheel,
please.” I know I can’t deal with it. Some men are. Some men can. Some men
are strong enough to catch their woman in a sexual act, like giving another
man head, to the point where they can go up to the [opening the car door]
car, open the car door and say one sentence. In that sentence, they’ll let a
woman know how much he loved her, how bad she hurt him and where he is
mentally, and he can walk off. Some men can pull it off. “You know what, I
loved you the best that I could. What I could do, I did. What I didn’t do, I
tried. Fuck it.” He’ll walk Off. She’ll feel bad. “Why am I doing this?
[popping noise out of his mouth] [crowd laughs] I don’t wanna do it no
more.” Did you get it? That was the dick. Did you guys get it? This was the
dick. Did you get it, you got it? All right.

Some men are different. Some men are killers. Some men are thugs all the
time. “No, fuck that! Fuck that! If I see my girl in the car giving some dude
head, I’m gonna go up to the car, I’m gonna grab him, drag him out of the
car, I’m gonna beat the shit out of the dude.” That’s how some men feel.
[speaking to someone in the audience] “Would you do that, man? Chainz,
would you fuck him up? You’d whoop his ass? You’re gonna fight the guy
with his dick out? His dick is out. This guy’s got the hard dick. That’s the
wrong answer, Chainz. I don’t like that answer. I don’t think you thought
about it. Should’ve thought it through.” His fucking dick is out. I can’t
fight a dude with a hard dick. It’s not gonna happen. The reason why is
’cause I’m small. When I fight, I gotta get low. [crouching down] I gotta get
your legs. If your dick is out, at some point in time, that’s gonna cause a
problem for me. At some point in time. “Yo, you got my girl out here in a
fucking car? Hmm? Huh? N i g g a?” [diving forward act, then having a
strange look then a crying face and a scream] Yo, you’re gonna lose your
fucking mind if a man’s dick hit your head in front of a group of people
watching the fight. You’re gonna do some shit you never thought you would
do. You’re gonna fuck around and grab it. [grabbing his mic tightly and
screaming and wrestling with it] You’re gonna say some shit you never
thought you would say, “I’m gonna rip it off! This dick is coming with me!
This is my dick! I got two dicks now!” Yo, if you grab a dude’s dick in a fight,
you gotta kill yourself that night. You have to die that night. You can’t go on
living. ‘Cause for the rest of your life, you’re gonna be known as the dude
who grabbed the dude’s dick that day in a fight. “There goes the dude who
grabbed that dude’s dick that day in a fight.” “What was I supposed to do?
The dick was on my head.” “Hey, man, get your dick-grabbing ass out of
here, man. Nobody trying to talk to you, dick grabber.”

Look, I had a thought the other day that scared me. I thought about the fact
that my kids are eventually gonna have a stepdad. That’s kind of scary to me.
I’m gonna tell you why. I start thinking to myself like, “What if I can’t
physically beat the stepdad?” ‘Cause I know I’m not gonna like the guy.
Small problems are gonna become big problems. So in my mind, shit will
happen. Like, one day I call the house and in the background, I hear, “I said,
‘Put the dishes in the sink.”‘ But in my mind, what I heard was, “You and
your dad can suck my dick in the sink.” [looking around] I gotta fight. I gotta
fucking fight now. Because I’ve thought about it. I wanna be prepared for
this day, if it ever happens. So right now, I’m currently taking self-defense
class. All right, this is no bullshit. This is not a joke. It’s the wrong time to
mess with me. I know a lot of shit. My teacher just taught me how to take a
gun out of somebody’s hand. [holding his hand in gun fashion] Like, if
somebody points a gun at me like this, [he performs the action with his
hand] I’m trained to grab your wrist, bend it, take the gun, point it right back
at you. No bullshit. I do it all the time in class. I’m the best. [cocky look] It’s
at a point where I had a conversation with my friends, I said, “Look, dude, if
we out and somebody pulls a gun out, let me handle it, okay? “I’m the only
one here that’s trained for this type of combat.” He was like, “You sure?” I
said, “Trust me, I’m sure.” Here’s how funny life is. We’re walking out of the
club, right? [leaned down slightly] I’m a little tipsy. I get to the car, this guy
comes from behind the car. He’d ducked down, he had a gun. [holding his
hand like a gun sideways, “gangster style”] He was like, “Everybody get
naked. Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it.” All my friends got scared
and started getting naked. I was calm. I’m standing there, I’m looking at him.
I’m even laughing a little bit, ’cause in my mind, I’m like, [wide eyed] “You
don’t even know… what I’m trained to do.” Right? That’s what I’m
thinking, right? So he got mad, he says, “You think it’s a game, little n i g g a?
[holding his hand like a gun sideways, “gangster style”] Run that shit, bitch.
Get naked. Run it.” And it scared me, because my teacher only taught me to
take guns from people holding it like this. [holding his hand like a gun
normally] He had it like this. [holding his hand like a gun sideways, “gangster
style”] [crowd laughs] I’ve never seen that. We never worked on that in class.
So I didn’t know what to do. So I got naked. I did exactly what he said. I got
naked. My friends were like, “Do something.” I was like, “I can’t. He’s a
killer. He’s the real deal. This guy’s the real deal.”

I got security after that. Actually, that’s a lie. That’s a lie. I didn’t get security
after that. I tried to hire my friend, Wayne, as my security guard. Reason why
is because Wayne was big as shit. So I was like, “Why would I fucking pay
somebody else “when I can give you that extra money? You ain’t got to fight
nobody, just look like you would if something were to happen.” He’s like,
“All right, I’ll do it.” I said, “Done. You’re hired. You’re my security guard.”
Um… Here’s why Wayne got fired. Let me tell you why. We were at a club,
right? This guy pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air. [using his hand as a gun,
he points it up] Bop! “Fuck all these bitches!” I got scared. Wayne, what
should we do?” With a straight face, Wayne said, “Play dead.” [with a
confused look] I said, “What? What’d you say?” He wouldn’t answer me
back ’cause he was in character. He said… [puts his head down and closes his
eyes] [crowd laughs] “Wayne! [with little jumps] Wayne! Wayne!” He gonna
go, [looking down] “You better shut up before you get shot.” What the fuck?

After that, I hired this guy named Steve. Now, Steve was the real deal,
people. Let me tell you why. Steve made me feel like a star. We went places,
Steve moved the crowd. “Everybody move! Move! Watch out, Mr. Hart’s
coming through.” I never had to look behind me. Steve always had my back.
Steve got fired, because we was at a club one day, I’m at VIP section, right?
VIP is separated from the dance floor by a velvet rope. I’m standing behind a
velvet rope. I say, “Steve, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” [moving the rope]
The guy operating the velvet rope moves it. Me and Steve walk to the
bathroom. I use it, I get done, we come back. The guy operating the velvet
rope was talking. That’s fine, I’m patient. I’ll wait till he’s done. Steve felt like
I shouldn’t have to wait. [picking up the microphone stand] Steve decided to
pick me up and place me over the goddamn rope. Let me tell you something,
people. I’ve never felt more like a bitch in my life. I was like, “Steve, no, don’t
do this, please.” My back leg came up. “Look at me. Look what you’re
making me do. Stop, Steve. You’re fucking fired, man.”
After that, I hired these two ex-cops turned security guards. Now, these guys
were very professional. My problem with them was that they were too
professional. Like, their level of security was way too advanced for my level of
celebrity. Like, I don’t… I don’t know who they thought I thought I was. I
don’t know where the miscommunication came, but it was too much. Like,
we go to Applebee’s. True story. Fucking Applebee’s, okay? There’s a empty
booth. I go slide in the booth. [sliding in, with a squeaky noise] [crowd
laughs] That’s how I slide in the booth. I love Applebee’s. [sliding in, saying
“Applebee’s”] Applebee’s, Applebee’s, Applebee’s. So I’m in the booth,
right? I’m sitting next to the window. He goes, “Kevin, switch seats with me.
“I don’t want you sitting next to the window.” I said, “Why not?” He said,
“There might be a sniper outside.” [blank, confused look] “Looking for
who? “Ain’t no sniper looking for me at no fucking Applebee’s. No. I’m not
at the sniper level in my career. I’m not there yet. Like, you probably gotta
worry about a dude putting his dick on the glass. [spreading his arms out,
putting his tongue out, and moving his pelvis] That’s my level. I’m at the
dick-on-the-glass level. [spreading his arms out, putting his tongue out, and
moving his pelvis] That’s my level.”

Like, the shit that I’m afraid of, people don’t think about. I’m gonna tell you
what I’m terrified of. Y’all are gonna think I’m crazy, but I’m gonna tell
you anyway. Scariest shit in the world to me are bum hands. A bum’s hands
are the scariest shit ever. You could say I’m crazy all you want. I’m willing to
bet you all any amount of money right now, if y’all walk outside after this
show, and a bum comes up to you and flicks your lip, [flicks his lip] [crowd
laughs] bet money you’d kill yourself tonight. Bet whatever you wanna bet
that you’d fucking kill yourself tonight. If you walk outside after this show
and a bum comes up to you, “Give me a dollar, man.” “What?” “Man, you
better give me a fucking… [flicks his lip multiple times] [crowd laughs] “Give
me a fucking dollar, man.” [screams, moves and looks crazy] “What
happened, man? He shoot you?” “Motherfucker flicked my lip, man.” Oh,
my God! That’s the scariest shit ever. Like, you gotta get rid of that lip. You
can’t keep that lip. That lip’s gotta go. You gotta buy a new lip. I don’t even
know where to get lips. What would you do if you got jumped by three
homeless people, and they held you down? [moving around like his is held
down] “Get off of me. What is this about?” And then the leader come out,
and you see him like this. And he… [holding his hand out and then starts
flicking his lip] Oh, my God. You know how dirty his hands are? Oh, my
fucking God. That’ll be the quickest bump that you’ve ever gotten in your
fucking life. Pow! Bump! That fucking fast. You gotta explain it. “Hey, man,
is that a fucking herpy?” “Mmm-mmm. It’s a bum bump.” “What?” “What
the fuck is a bum bump, man?” [Hart begins laughing] [crowd laughs] A
bum… A bum… Hold on, hold on. I gotta get it out. I gotta get it out. Hold
on. Hold on. “What the fuck is that, man?” it’s a bum bump.” “How the
fuck you let a bum touch your lip?” “I thought he was trying to tell me a
secret.” “What? What the fuck was a bum trying to tell you?” “He tricked
me. He was like, ‘Hey, man.’ [points with his finger then leans his head
forward] “I said, ‘Huh?’ [flicks lip] He got me. That’s…” [Hart laughs] Get
fire on these bitches one time, man. [fire from backstage] [Hart laughs again,
so does the crowd] A fucking bum bump. Watch… Watch how y’all look at
bums when y’all leave the show. Watch… Watch how defensive y’all are.
“Excuse me, man, can you spare some change?” “N i g g a, what the… “Hey,
man, you better get your ass out of here, n i g g a. You out here trying to flick
lips, cuz? You out here trying to give a n i g g a a bum bump, n i g g a? I know
what you’re… [Hart laughs again, so does the crowd] You ain’t gonna give me
no bum bump, n i g g a. You better get the fuck out of here, man. Knock
your ass out, man. I don’t want no bum bump. No, he got my n i g g a like
that. He told him a secret. My n i g g a leaned in. Mmm. Fucked his whole
shit up. This n i g g a’s shit was all bum bumpy for, like, two weeks.” [crowd
continues to laugh]

I really believe shit like that can happen. I’m a weird thinker, people, I’m a
weird thinker. I’m glad that I’m a weird thinker, though. Me being a weird
thinker has made me a better man. It’s made me a better father. Let me
explain how it’s made me a better father, okay? Me thinking about my kids
eventually having a stepdad is what made me a better father. ‘Cause now, not
only is it important for me to make sure that I’m around, but I need them to
understand who I am and what I represent to their lives. Now, ’cause I see
them so much, I notice everything. Like, my son is at this imagination stage.
Like, I thought the shit was a phase. It’s not. It’s not going away. Like, my
son really thinks that he’s Spider-Man. On some real shit. And when he
gets mad, he webs me. [uses his hand in Spider-Man form and “shoots web”
along with his voice making the web shooting noise] Now, because I’m Dad,
I just go along with it. [has his hands up and moves around a little] Ahhh! I
act like I’m caught. This is the shit that makes me laugh. This is how he
releases me from the web. [moving his hand in circles] And he walks off. The
shit’s hilarious. Now, it’s me and my son, we’re bonding. See, but as a parent,
you don’t realize the effect that you have on your kids. Whatever you do in
the house, your kids are gonna mimic when they’re outside the house. I
learned this lesson the hard way. I go pick my son up from camp, right? My
son is outside arguing with this little boy over a truck. I’m watching. I’m not
gonna break it up. I want my son to be a boy, let me see how he handles
himself. Little boy takes the truck from my son. [pulls away with a noise] My
son gets mad, takes the truck back. [pulls back away] “Mine!” Little boy
comes back, punches my son in the back of the head. [smacks the mic with
his hand] My son falls. This boy starts whooping my son’s ass. Listen, I don’t
know who was training this little boy, but they were doing an amazing job.
This boy could fucking fight, okay? I’m not gonna break it up. I’m gonna let
my son take his ass-whooping. He will learn from it. I’m watching. I see this
with my own two eyes. My son gets mad, rolls over. [uses his hand in
Spider-Man form and “shoots web” along with his voice making the web
shooting noise] [Hart gives a confused look] [crowd laughs] “What the fuck
are you doing, man? It’s not real. What are you doing?” The parents are
looking at me. “Why would you teach him that? Why would you even teach
him that?” [grabbing and pulling up] I run over, I grab the little boy off of
my son. This is the longest walk back to the car that I’ve ever had with my
son in my life. He just kept looking at his hands. He was like… [walking and
looking at his hand] “I don’t know what happened, Dad. I don’t know what
happened.” So I get mad. I’m like, “Dude, if somebody’s fucking hitting you,
you ball your fists up, you hit him back. You don’t let nobody hit you. You
ball your fists up, you hit him back.” Now, he doesn’t like it when I come
down on him. So he got mad. He webbed me. [uses his hand in Spider-Man
form and “shoots web” along with his voice making the web shooting noise]
Now, when he webbed me, I had a choice to make. Do I act like the game
that my son believes in isn’t real and no longer exists and fuck his
imagination up? Or do I allow his imagination to continue to run wild? He’s
five. I said, “I’m gonna let his imagination run wild,” act like I was caught.
Ah! [has his hands up and moves around a little] Ahhh! This… This is what I
heard. This is what my son said. [looking at his hand then looks up] “I had it
turned off, Dad.” [looks disappointed then walks away] Said, “What the fuck
is going on here?”

Look, my kids are hilarious, man. I got stories for days about my kids. I took
my kids horseback riding, right? This might have been, like, the best worst
day that I’ve ever had with my kids in my life. I wanted to find a place that
was suitable for kids and adults so we could make a day out of it. I find this
ranch, right? Me, my kids, my brother, my friends, we all go. We get there,
they got ponies. My kids get on the ponies. There’s a smaller trail at the
ranch. They ride the ponies around the smaller trail. Me, my brother and my
friends, we go on the big horses. We’re gonna do the big trail, okay? Here’s
what happened. Everybody gets on their horses. They’ve got their feet in the
stirrups. They’re ready to go. I’m last to get on my horse ’cause I was filling
out the paperwork, I’m paying for this shit. I get on my horse. Here’s strike
one for me. [sitting on the stool with his legs out] I go to put my feet in the
stirrups, right? Okay. Okay, this was the problem. [moving his feet around]
Like, if I put this foot in, this foot wasn’t going to make it. I couldn’t get
them both in, all right? So I tell the guy. I say, “Hey, man, I think I need
smaller stirrups.” He was like, “Don’t worry about it. You don’t need them.”
I was like, “Mmm. Yes, I do. ‘Cause everybody else has them. I wanna look
like everybody else.” He was like, “Trust me, you’ll be all right.” I was like, “I
don’t trust you. I wanna look like everybody else.” He said, “Look, do you
wanna talk to the instructor?” I said, “Yes, I’ll talk to the instructor.” Keep in
mind, the instructor is why I chose this ranch. This guy is supposed to be a
horse guru. [counting on his fingers as he says…] He was gonna teach us how
to physically control the horse. He was gonna teach us the verbal commands,
and he personally was gonna take us on the trail. Problem with this guy is he
cannot speak English, people, okay? I can’t make this shit up. This is the
speech that he gave before we started the trail. Word for word. He goes, [with
a creepy smile on his face and a strange raspy voice, laughing between most
words] “Okay. Ooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyyy! Okay. Okayyy! Okay. Okay.
[gibberish] [moving his arms and legs in for emphasis] Like that! Go, fat guy,
kick it! Mmm! Like that, kick twice. Mmm! Like that. All right, let’s ride.”
“What the fuck did he say? Did you hear what he said? “Hey, man, you gotta
say it again for me. I didn’t understand what you said.” This is how I knew it
was bullshit. He said the same thing in the exact same way. He said, “Okay.
Ooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyyy! Okay. Okayyy! Okay. Okay. [gibberish] [moving
his arms and legs in for emphasis] Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm! Like
that, kick twice. Mmm! Like that. All right, let’s ride.” I said, “We’re gonna
fucking die. We’re about to die.” My friend said, “Kev, stop bitching. Let’s
just go.” Keep in mind, I have no stability. My feet are just dangling [swaying
his legs] from the side of the horse. I have nothing to hold on to, except this
little stump thing in the middle of the fucking saddle. I said, “Fine, I ain’t
gonna say shit else. Let’s go.” My horse starts to trot. He’s not running,
people. He’s trotting. I have no balance, so [swaying his legs again] I’m all
over the place. I’m like this, right? My feet kicked the horse in the stomach.
That’s a sign for your horse to speed up. My horse takes off. [wide eyed]
Listen to me, people. This n i g g a took off! Now, I’m scared, ’cause I don’t
know what to do with my feet. [holing his feet out strait] At one point in
time, I panicked, had my feet on his neck. Like, I was like this, right?
[bouncing up and down with his legs still extended and a scared look on his
face] I was like this. But I couldn’t hear shit, ’cause the wind was blowing. It
was like… [moving his hand past his head and blowing into the mic] I hear
my friends in the back. They’re like… “Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh!” I
don’t know what they’re saying. I assume that they’re saying, “Let go.”
That’s what I think they’re saying, “Let go.” [spreading out his hands] So I
said, “Fuck it! Jesus, take the wheel.” Right? I roll off like a black-ass
tumbleweed. Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap. My… [Hart laughs] The horse keeps
going. My friends and my brother, the instructor, everybody pulls up next to
me. It’s at a point where I’m pissed. I’m like, “Yo, I’m not doing this shit no
more. I’m out. Fuck this trail. I’m done. I’m going back, I’m getting my kids,
I’m walking back to the hotel.” My boy, Spank, was like, “Kev, you can’t
fucking walk back. We’ve been riding for 25 minutes. It’s gonna take you,
like, an hour to walk back.” I said, “Fine.” I looked at the instructor, I said,
“Well, you’re gonna take me. You’re gonna take me back right now.”
[reaching down and pulling up] He puts his arm down like this, grabs me,
pulls me, picks me up, puts me on the back of his horse. This is why I will
never ride a horse again in my life, people. For 25 minutes, for 25 goddamn
minutes, I’m on the back of this n i g g a’s horse. [moving his body like he is
riding uncomfortably and awkward] [crowd laughs] I turn around, my
friends think it’s funny. They’re taking pictures, right? [clicking his fingers
like he is taking a picture] I said, “Put the camera up! [waving his hand up
and down] Put the goddamn camera up!” The instructor kicked the horse in
the stomach, the horse starts running. He reaches around, grabs my lower
back. [Grabbing behind himself] He starts pulling me in, right? [making a
thrusting movement] Now, I’m scared, so I can’t let go, [hugging himself] so
I’ve got my arms around his stomach. I’m fucking the shit out of this n i g g a
in his back. He speed up, I speed up. I gave him, like, 75 pops. The shit that
pissed me off, while I’m in mid-pump, he’s gonna turn around and go,
[turning to the side] “Let’s ride.” I said, “Man, get the fuck off of me.”
[stands up and raises his hand]

[crowd cheers]

New York, it’s been real. My name is Kev Hart. I fucking love y’all, man. I
appreciate you. Thank you. Get fire on these bitches one more time, man.
[fire from backstage] Thank you, New York. [bows]

[crowd continues to cheer]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Before I go, I’m gonna end on a fucking
note from the heart right now. Uh… And I’m gonna try not to be a bitch and
get emotional up here. Dude, I am now one of few to fucking perform as a
standup comedian in Madison fucking Square Garden. [getting emotional]

[crowd cheers]

Hey.. Listen to me. Listen to me. You have no idea the fucking feeling that I
have going through my body right now, man. This is a fucking dream come
true. [crowd cheers] Hey, this is a fucking dream come true, man. Thank you
for being loyal. Thank you for growing with me. Thank you for fucking
enjoying me. My name is Kev Hart, I love y’all.
[raises his hand and walks off stage to the same hip hop song from walking
on]
Seriously Funny (2010) – Transcript

Full transcript of "Seriously Funny", Kevin Hart's second solo

stand-up performance. Recorded live at the Allen Theater,

Cleveland, Ohio

Whoa! Yeah, Cleveland. What’s up, Cleveland? How you all feeling?

Everybody good? Y’all good? Everybody straight? Cold as shit out this bitch,

ain’t it? I don’t like that— All this snow. I don’t like that shit. Y’all got that

slushy shit, that slipping snow. Hey, look— God damn it. There’s slush.

There’s slush right there. Watch the slush. I don’t like that shit. Y’all ain’t

supposed to have snow out here. I don’t like that shit. Y’all ain’t supposed to
have snow out here. Good year for y’all though. Right now got— Before I

even get started, shouts out to— — Hey, sugar foot. How you doing? How

you doing, sweetie? Get it out now. Before we get started, shouts out to my

man Shaq up front showing love. The cavs. My man LeBron in the house.

Shout out to our boy LeBron in the house. It’s a good year for y’all. A good

year for y’all. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. Y’all might

do it. All right, y’all got me up here for a while, all right? And this time—

About an hour. I’m gonna be up here about an hour. Now in this time y’all

gonna hear a lot of stuff. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. Don’t judge me. I don’t

want nobody judging me. I love to be honest when I’m on stage. I talk about

things that I know— My family, my kids.

I love to talk about my babies. Two babies— Little boy and little girl. Now I

used to talk about my son being a dumb baby. I used to. I’m serious, I did. I

thought my baby was a dumb baby. But now I’ve realized he’s not dumb, he

just does dumb shit. Like, I don’t like the way my son throws his tantrums.

You know, when a baby throws a tantrum he’s supposed to fall out, cry, roll

on the ground. That’s a tantrum. This is not a joke, this is for real. This is

what my son does when he gets mad. I’m not lying. Don’t make me laugh.
Look. This is what he do. He goes… This is what he do. He go… It’s the most

retarded thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t say nothing. I got to wait till

he’s finished then explain to people what happened. Then explain to people

what happened. He got an attitude ’cause he can’t get no candy. My baby is

weird, man. When he gets mad he gets in the oven. I swear to God. He gets in

the oven. Then get an attitude with me when I get him out. Boy, get your ass

out of the damn oven. Get your ass out of the oven before I turn it on. When

I say that he go, “hot. Hot. That thing hot, daddy.” I love him to death

though, man.

Two— A little boy and little girl. Now my daughter, my daughter’s a

different ballgame. My daughter’s spoiled, man. About to be five. Spoiled.

I’m not gonna lie. I spoil her. That’s what I’m supposed to do. She’s at that

age now though where she knows. She knows how to play me and her mom

against each other. She knows how to make us fight.​

Here’s how she got me in trouble the other day. She came in the room, she

hit me with the soft voice. She’s like, “dad, can I have a cookie?” I said,

“yeah, baby. Let’s go get a cookie.” I start walking towards the kitchen. Out

of nowhere all I hear is, “don’t give her no goddamn cookie!” Scared the shit
out of me. I stopped. I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was Jesus at first.

I went, “why can’t she have a cookie, Jesus? What did she do?” But here’s

how smart she is. She knew how to get a reaction out of me. She looked at

me. She said, “dad, I thought you was the king of the house.” When she said

that, it set me off. It riled me up. So I snapped. I said, “what the fuck you

mean she can’t have no goddamn cookie? Why’d you buy the cookies if can’t

nobody eat a cookie? That makes you stupid for buying uneatable cookies.

Ain’t nobody getting a cookie.” I shut the whole cookie operation down. I

grabbed the cookies, got my ladder, put them on top of the refrigerator.

Then I hid my ladder. It wasn’t a big ladder. Three steps. It’s a ladder for

thugs. Pap pap pap, real quick. Little thug ladder.

This parenting thing is hard. You need patience. Got to have a lot of patience

to deal with these kids. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t have a lot of patience. I’m

learning. I’m trying. Certain things make me mad. Like, I don’t like it when I

tell my kids to do stuff and they do exactly what I say. I want you to do what I

say, but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. but I want you to do

it how I pictured you doing it. Don’t do it the way you want to do it. Do it

the way I saw you doing it when I told you to do it. It might be confusing,
but this is serious to me. The other day my son, he’s suped up off candy. He’s

running all over the house. I got mad. “Hey, that’s it. Come here. Shut it

down. Go to bed.” Swear to God, this is what he did. This made me so mad.

Standing up, this is what he did. I said, “go to bed.” He said, “ah” I was so

mad. “Wake your damn ass up. You don’t sleep standing up. You’re not no

vampire.” You’re not no vampire.” I was mad ’cause I didn’t know how to

explain why I was mad. You don’t close your eyes till your brain tells your

body to shut everything down.

I got a lot of fears, man. I got a lot of fears as a parent. Let me tell you guys

one of my biggest fears. One of my biggest fears is my son growing up and

being gay. That’s a fear. Keep in mind I’m not homophobic. I have nothing

against gay people. Be happy, do what you wanna do. But me being a

heterosexual male, But me being a heterosexual male, if I can prevent my son

from being gay, I will. Now with that being said, I don’t know if I handled

my son’s first gay moment correctly. Every kid has a gay moment. Okay?

Every kid. But when it happens, you’ve got to nip it in the bud. You got to

stop it right then. “Hey, stop! That’s gay!” It’s quick. “No!” I don’t know if I

handled my son’s situation right. Okay? He’s at a birthday party, right? My

son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. My son’s at a birthday party, he’s

playing. You know when kids play, they just play. You don’t know what

they’re doing but they’re having a good time. They’re just doing a bunch of

stuff, right? They’re moving around. I said, “okay, he’s good.” I finished

talking, I turn back around to check on my son again, a little boy was

grinding on my son’s ass. He was like this. I didn’t know what to do. I

panicked. I knocked them both down. “Hey, what’s going on here? What

kind of party is this? Huh? What kind of party is this? What’s going on

here?” This lady came out. She was like, “what are you doing? They’re kids,

let them play.” She was like, “what are you doing? They’re kids, let them

play.” I said, “you show me another kid getting fucked in the ass and I’ll calm

down.” My son had on corduroys. That’s why I had attitude. I didn’t see it, I

heard it. All I heard was… Brr brr brr. “What the? Who the hell is playing

with cards? What is that? Is somebody shuffling cards? They’re too young for

spades here.” The thing that pissed me off— Here’s what pissed me off, man.

I was eating a buffalo wing when it happened. I was eating a buffalo wing

when it happened. I should have dropped the wing and ran over there, but I

licked my fingers first. I didn’t mean it. I said, “hey! Boy!” The black in me

came out. There’s a lot of pressure dealing with kids, man. But I’m learning.
Here’s one thing I’ve learned. Here’s why my patience is getting better. My

kids are gonna make mistakes. The reason why— When I was a kid I made

mistakes. I did a lot of stupid stuff as a child. My blood’s in them. They’re

gonna follow suit. With that being said, I don’t get as mad as I used to. With

that being said, I don’t get as mad as I used to. I’m calming down. My

daughter cursed for the first time the other day. I didn’t get mad. We was

watching “SpongeBob.” Something happened to Patrick. Out of nowhere

she got mad. She’s like, “shit!” I said, “wait, what? What did you say?” She’s

like, “shit! They got Patrick, dad. You not watching?” I said, “whoa. All

right.” Here’s why I didn’t get an attitude. I’m gonna tell you why I didn’t

get an attitude. I didn’t give her attitude because I remember my first time

cussing.

My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company.

My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company.

My friends was over my house. I’m downstairs. We’re playing, we’re having a

good time. My mom comes downstairs, she said, “hey. I told you to keep it

down. You don’t run this house, I do, okay? With that being said, that’s it.

You’re done. Go to bed.” Smacked me. Sent me up to my room. Now you

know when you get smacked when you’re a kid you get hyped when you get

by yourself. “You gonna smack me, bitch? In front of my friends? You gonna

smack me?!”​

I was emotional. I was an emotional-ass kid. I was emotional. I was an

emotional-ass kid. “I’m running away! That’s it!” I packed a bag and

everything. You know how many times I packed a bag with a toy? I packed a

bag with one toy. “I’m out. I’m sick of it. Me and He-Man are out.”

My mom gave me permission to cuss one time. One time she gave me

permission to cuss. I’m in school, I’m being bad. My teacher got mad. Said,

“Kevin, come here.” Told me to come to the front of the class. Wrote a note,

stapled the note to my chest. Said, “make sure your mother reads the note.” I

get home, my mom reads the note. The note said, “maybe if you showed

your son some more attention at home, he wouldn’t act like a fool in school.”

My mom read the note. She said, “let me tell you something. You tell her

mind her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” Before

I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “okay. You want me to say it like

that? Or do you want me to take some stuff out?” “What I say? Tell her mind

her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “no, I
heard what you said. I just want to make sure that you know that you’re

telling me to say the same thing.” “Kevin, if I tell you again I’m gonna smack

the shit out of you.” “Okay. No, I got it. Okay, I got it. Okay, I got it. No, I

got it. All right, okay.” Keep in mind it’s a lot of pressure, all right? Keep in

mind it’s a lot of pressure, all right? My mom just gave me permission to go

to school and cuss my teacher out. I didn’t feel comfortable with the

situation. So I wanted to practice. I wanted to go upstairs, I wanted to go

over my lines. So I’m in the mirror, I’m going over my lines. I’m like, “okay,

all right. Okay, all right. Okay. My mom told me to tell you to mind your

damn— No, that’s too loud. That’s way too loud. That’s not believable. It’s

too loud.” Finally I go over it. I get it down. I’m like, you know what? I’m

gonna go to bed early, get some rest. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me

tomorrow. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. I don’t want to mess

this up. So I go to bed. I wake up, get dressed. Put on my pants and my shirt.

I get on the school bus. All my friends see me. They get hyped. “Ooh, Kevin’s

on the bus. Everybody look. Kevin’s on the bus. What up, Kev?” I was like,

“yo, not today, y’all. I got a lot of stuff on my mind. I can’t really have y’all

throwing me off.” My friends was like, “what are you talking about?” “I can’t

really get into it. All I can tell y’all is that it’s about to go down.” He was like,
“what?” I said, “look, man. He was like, “what?” I said, “look, man. It’s

about to go down. Just be behind me when I walk in class.” He said, “all

right, cool.” I walk in class, miss green my teacher, she starts speaking to

everybody. “Hello. Good morning. Good morning. Hello. Hello. Good

morning.” She sees me, she was like, “Kevin.” I said, “miss green.” She said,

“did you let your mother read the note?” I said, “yes I did.” She said, “well,

what did your mother say?” I took a deep breath. I looked at my friends. I

was like, “it’s about to go down.” I said, “well… I said, “well… My mom told

me to tell you to mind your damn motherfucking business, bitch. Little

stupid bitch. Little dumb teacher bitch. 2+2 not knowing what the fuck it is

bitch. Cross-eyed, crying down your back fat foot ass bitch. Long tittied, no

nipple having ass bitch.” The shit was crazy. My friends was in the back and

they was like, “oooh! My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! He

said she ain’t had no nipples.” I got suspended. I got suspended and an ass

whipping. My mom beat the shit out of me when I got home. “I told you to

say two cuss words. You said 76 of them.” I thought I was Samuel L. Jackson.

I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking teachers in this motherfucking

school. I had a trench coat on and I flapped it. You know when you flap it,

you got to get that air under it. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. I don’t give
a shit. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. I don’t give a shit. I’m a goddamn

thug.

You can’t be so hard on your kids, man. One of my friends got a teenage

daughter. He too strict. I told him, “you got to relax. That girl gonna do

what she want to do when you’re not around anyway. Relax, man.” He said,

“Kev, let me tell you something. Do what you want to do with your kids.

Don’t tell me how to raise my kids.” I said, “you’re right. I apologize.” Now

this isn’t funny, but it made me laugh, okay? He goes to his daughter’s phone

and he finds a picture of a little boy’s thing on the phone. Right? of a

little boy’s thing on the phone. Right? Now it’s my friend, okay? Tells me

everything. It’s not funny that he found a picture of a little boy’s thing on the

phone. It was funny the way he told me. He confides in me. He tells me

everything. He comes on the tour bus, he mad as shit. He says, “Kev, you’re

not gonna believe this. I go through Tiffany’s phone. I found a picture of a

little boy’s, uh, situation on the phone.” I said, “what? What?” “I found a

picture of the hot dog without the bun on the phone.” “What are you

talking— ” “A tallynackle. She had— “What are you talking— ” “A

tallynackle. She had— It’s a dick on the phone! She got a dick on the phone!”
I didn’t know what to say so I just kept repeating what he said. I said, “so

you’re telling me he is a dick on the phone?” He said, “there’s a dick on the

phone.” “So right now if I look in the phone there’s gonna be a dick in it?” I

said, “well, what you gonna do?” He said, “what you think I’m gonna do?

I’m about to go to the school.” I said, “why you going to the school?” He

said, “why you think? I’m about to find out whose dick it was. That’s why

I’m going to the school.” I said, “yo, I don’t think that’s a good look. I don’t

think you should do that. I don’t think you should go to the school with a

picture I don’t think you should go to the school with a picture of a little

boy’s dick in the phone and try to match it up to other little boys. That’s a

little pedophile-ish, don’t you think? You’ll be in jail before 3:00.” He said,

“well, what would you do?” By far the most difficult question I’ve ever been

asked in my life. He said, “what would you do? ” I thought about it. I don’t

know. I don’t know what I would do if I found a picture of a little boy’s

thing on my daughter’s phone. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d probably punch

her in the throat. I don’t know. ‘Cause I got a son too, okay? If I found out

that my son is pulling his thing out at school, when his mother’s around I’m

gonna have an attitude. When his mother’s around I’m gonna have an

attitude. I’m gonna have a lot of stuff to say. “Really? Really, dude? That’s
what you do at school? So you don’t need pants ’cause your dick is out, that’s

what you’re telling me?” As soon as his mom leaves— “Hey, come here.

What she say when she saw it? Give me some. Give me some. Yes! Hell yeah!

Sometimes you got to put it on the table, son. Let ’em see it. We small but we

big at the same time. Let ’em know.”

I’m a different type of parent. I’m a different type of parent. I am a

different type of parent. I’m not gonna lie. Certain things I do differently. I

don’t like babysitting. I can admit that. I don’t like watching my kids by

myself— Too much pressure. No man does. No man in this room is a good

babysitter. I can tell you how every man in this room watches kids. We sit on

the couch and listen for shit. That’s how we watch our kids. Kids do

whatever they want when they’re with dad. “Hey! Hey! I know y’all not in

that toilet. Y’all better not be in that toilet!” We ain’t gonna do nothing. I

definitely don’t like watching other people’s kids. It’s too much pressure.

There’s nothing worse than watching somebody else’s baby and you give

them their baby back in a condition that they didn’t give you their baby in.

Like you ever have to explain something before they see their baby? Like you

ever have to explain something before they see their baby? “Hey, real quick
before you look at your baby. Uh, your baby had two eyes for sure, right?

Okay, so it happened here. Gas went off in the kitchen, blew the back of your

baby’s face out. It was crazy. My baby knew what to do. He got in the oven.

Your baby just stood there. Y’all don’t run in your house? Don’t nobody run

in your house?”

I had one little girl get hurt over at my house. Scariest thing ever, man. One

little girl, right? My daughter got real big bunk beds. I’m in the living room.

I’m watching TV. I’m in the living room. I’m watching TV. Her and her

friends, they in the room playing. Out of nowhere, I hear a loud bang. Bang!

Little girl start crying. Aah! Aaaaaah! I come in the room, the girls are

standing around her. They all standing around her. One girl is on her knee

looking at her face to face. This is what almost MADE ME LAUGH: When

I came in the room, the girl looked at me like “hm hm hm.” But I can’t laugh

’cause I’m in daddy mode. I’ve got to figure out what happened. I go to my

daughter. It’s her room. She’s responsible. I said, “heaven, c’mere. Come

here. I said, “heaven, c’mere. Come here. It’s your room. You’re responsible.

What happened?” It’s very hard to take a kid out of play mode. When kids

are playing, they don’t know that shit just got real. They don’t know. In her
mind it’s still a game. I said, “what happened?” This is what my daughter did.

She said, “ho! Daddy! Daddy!” You ever see kids do that shake shit? “What is

wrong with— Stop. Stop shaking your face. Stop. What happened?” Stop.

What happened?” This is the story my baby told me. She said, “we got

monsters, daddy. There’s a bunch of monsters in here. The prince came out,

told us to get in the castle. The castle was at the top of the bunk bed. We got

up there, there was too many people in the castle, so… Somebody had to go.

We took a vote and she lost. I kicked her off.” “Wait, what? What?” “I kicked

her off, dad. It could’ve been anybody.” My baby made an executive decision.

I said, “all right. My baby made an executive decision. I said, “all right. She

had to go. I get it. I understand.”

I’ll tell you another fear of mine. I’ll tell you another fear of mine. Here’s

another fear of mine. My biggest fear is getting knocked out in front of

my babies. That’s a fear, man! As a dad, what do you do? What do you do

when your kids come get you? “Dad, they messin’ with me?” “Who?”

“Them!” As a dad, you gotta go whip whoever them’s ass is. That’s your job

as a dad. What do you do when you go down there and get your ass

whipped? What do you say? What do you say to your kids? “Dad, they
messin’ with me?” “Who?” “Them!” “Stay right here. Hey, motherf— “Stay

right here. Hey, motherf— Come on, come on! Let’s go! These n i g g a s are

real! Let’s go! Hurry up! Get in the car! Was that a kid? Was that a kid? When

we get home, I’m whippin’ your ass for putting me in that situation. I had

nothing to do with that. I woke up this morning as a Christian. You don’t do

that to me.”

It’s a different ballgame. See, me? I’m gonna be honest with you guys, man.

I’m not that guy. I’m not a fighter, man. I’m not. I won’t act like I am. I

won’t. Seen too many bad things happen. I saw my dad get knocked out one

time. I was 13. It traumatized me. This guy hit my dad twice in the same

spot— Uhn uhn— Quick as hell. Quickest two punches I’ve ever seen in my

life. I’ve never seen anything like it. Hit my dad so fast I’ve never seen

anything like it. Hit my dad so fast in the middle of the fight my dad stopped

and asked me what happened. In the middle of the fight. He’s like, “shit!

Hey! Kevin, hey! He just hit me twice?” “Yes. Yes he did.” “Are you sure it

was him?” “It’s only y’all two out here, dad. Ain’t nobody else out here with

y’all.” “So you telling me he that fast? They not jumping me? Ain’t nobody

jumping me?” “No, nobody jumping you. It’s just him.” “Well, he must be
an octopus. I saw a lot of stuff goin’ by my face.” “Really? Really, dad?

“Really? Really, dad? An octopus? That’s what you just fought? A human

octopus? Really?” When my dad called another grown-ass man an octopus,

that was the day he stopped being my dad. I lost all respect. He didn’t

understand that. He was still trying to discipline me. “Kevin! Hey! Didn’t I

tell you to get the trash out? Get up, get the trash out before I crack your

damn face.” “Shut up. Shut up! You get the trash out before I get Steve over

here, put his damn hands on you again.” “Oh. Oh. “Oh. Oh. Oh, you gonna

get Steve, huh? You are something else, you know that? You are something

else. Give me the trash. I’ll take the trash out. Give me the trash.” He didn’t

want to see Steve again. Steve beat the shit out of my dad. You ever see

somebody lose a fight and talk like they won? That’s my dad. After he got

knocked out, he’s like, “you good? Are you good now?” I said, “dad, I don’t

think that’s your lines. I think the winners say that. I think the guy who won

say that. I think the guy who won say that. You just lay down for a second

and let him finish his speech. I think you got up too fast anyway. You gonna

be dizzy.” When I saw my dad get knocked out and I saw my brother get

knocked out, it made me feel like, as a family, we’re not good at this

particular activity. We’re not fighters. We’re readers. We’re good readers in my
family. You don’t know what people are capable of now. Too many people

know too many different things. I’m serious.

Know what I’m scared of? I’m serious. Know what I’m scared of? U.F.C.

Fighters. You know why? Because they’re real. That is not a game, people.

They are here. They exist. They know shit. Touch a pressure point, shuts

your whole body down. Pow. “It’s a wrap. Can’t move none of that.” “Fight

back!” “I can’t. Everything is shut down. I don’t know what he did.

Everything. I can’t move anything.” You know who gonna get their asses beat

by these guys? Thugs. I’m gonna tell you why. Thugs. I’m gonna tell you

why. Thugs, y’all don’t know how to just fight. Thugs always got to give you

a speech before they fight. You ever see how long it take a thug to fight? Gotta

give you his whole background before he fight. It take too long. “Yeah. Real n

i g g a s. All day. Just me. By myself. On the block. Holding it down. Gun at

my waist. Straight face. All day. Not a game. In jail. By myself! One bed. No

pillowcase. One pillow. Didn’t nobody write me. It was early. Woke up. Went

back to sleep. Took a nap. You ever go night night, n i g g a? Took a nap. You

ever go night night, n i g g a? You ever go night night, n i g g a?! Everybody

goes night night, n i g g a!” “What? What does this have to do with the fight?
Are we fighting or not? ” “You didn’t write me.” “I don’t know you.” These

guys are gonna be the ones, man. Everybody can’t be a thug. Everybody

cannot be a thug. I can’t stand TV thugs. You know what a TV thug is?

Those the guys who do what they see on TV all day, every day. All day, every

day. all day, every day. All day, every day. You ever see those guys. “Yeah, nig’.

What, nig’?” You never seen the dancing thugs? Get out the car… “It ain’t a

game. You think it’s a game around here?” I don’t like those guys. I know real

thugs.

My uncle is a real thug. Certified. Put a stamp on him. Locked up 15 years.

Got out of jail, ain’t nothing changed. Very serious. When my uncle talk, this

is how he look. I don’t care what he’s talking about. This is how he looks… I

don’t care what he’s talking about. This is how he looks… I don’t care what

he’s sayin’. “Put the goddamn jelly on the motherfuckin’ sandwich. Do it!

Spread it!” He’s crazy. He’s crazy. He’s institutionalized, man. Understand

when you’ve been in jail 15 years, all you know is jail. Your mannerisms, your

language— You eat, sleep and think jail. Okay? Your threats aren’t even the

same. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to

happen. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to
happen. It’s a transition into a fight. “I’m sick of your ass. Get up.” When

they get up, they know there’s gonna be a fight. Stuff my uncle says leaves

you in suspense. They’re like the worst jail metaphors I’ve ever heard in my

life. I don’t even know how to explain ’em. He gets out of jail, my brother

calls me. “Kevin, uncle Richard just got home.” “I’m on the first flight. I’ll be

there in the morning.” I ain’t seen him in 15 years. I got to see him. I get

there, my uncle’s in the middle of the living room. I’m hyped to see him.

“Uncle Richard, what up, baby? 15 years. That’s a long time. How you

been?” 15 years. That’s a long time. How you been?” I swear to God this is

what he said. “Say it with your chest, little-ass n i g g a!” I didn’t know what

to say. My brother grabbed me. He was like, “chill. He’s been saying this all

day. We don’t know what it means. Wait till we figure it out.” Here’s the

thing, right? I said, “I’m not gonna chill. I’m gonna talk to him. Y’all not

talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him

to the side and said, “look, unc, a lot of stuff has changed since you’ve been

gone. I’m doing well. I’m making good money. Let me take you out, put you

around some women, get some drinks. We’ll have a good time.” He said, “all

right, cool.” I take him to a lounge, right? I’m at the bar. I’m drinking.

There’s women around me. I’m having a good time I can’t see him, but I can
hear him. I can’t see him, but I can hear him. Out of nowhere all I hear is

“I’m sick of this motherfucker, man. Kev, pin the tail on his ass!” “Is it his

birthday? Why would I do that? “Is it his birthday? Why would I do that?

W-why would I do that? What do you mean?” “Peel this motherfucker’s

muffin cap back blue.” “Is that drink? That’s probably a drink. Can I get a

peel his muffin cap back blue?” “Say it with your chest!” “Can I get a peel his

muffin cap—” I didn’t know what to do. I was confused.

My family threw him on me, man. They threw him on me. They said, “Kev,

look, you’re making money. Give him a job. They said, “Kev, look, you’re

making money. Give him a job. Give him a second chance at life.” I said,

“fine. I’m gonna let him train me, okay?” I was about to go to Australia. I

was gonna film a movie. I wanted to get a little bigger. Let him train me.

Reason why? My uncle had that jail body. Up top, solid. Not a game. Rock

hard. Didn’t work on his legs that much. Sometimes you could see him

struggling to keep the top half up— The stick legs. Looked like this n i g g a

was tip drilling all the time. Looked like this n i g g a was tip drilling all the

time. “What are you doing, unc? Why you keep shakin’ your ass? What are

you doing? Relax your ass, man.” “I ain’t shakin’ it. It’s my legs.” Now for
those of you who do not understand the job of a personal trainer, I’ll explain

it to you. A personal trainer’s job is to do what? Motivate you, people, make

you feel like you could do things you never thought you could do. Here’s an

example of a personal trainer’s conversation. “Come on, man. You can do it.

“Come on, man. You can do it. Push it. You got it. Breathe. Three more. Last

two. Get it up. Last one. Good set. Go wipe off.” That’s a trainer

conversation. Once again, I didn’t like the way that he talked to me, okay?

We’re at the gym. I’m on a weight bench. I’m not gonna lie. I’m struggling. I

couldn’t get it. I couldn’t get it. Out of nowhere, he came up behind me.

“Close your mouth Out of nowhere, he came up behind me. “Close your

mouth before somebody come up, put their dick in it on the yard.” “What’d

he say? What’d he just say? Somebody get the weights. I just wanna ask him

something. Somebody get the weights. Let me ask him something. Uh, is that

a dick out behind me for real or is he just joking? No, if it is, that’s gotta

change. Somebody’s got to put that up. I’m not gonna work out if that’s

gonna stay out. I pay my membership like everybody else. I don’t need to see

that. Fix it.” That’s when I stopped messing with him. Hey, real quick. This

is not a joke. Hey, real quick. This is not a joke. I just want to know what you

guys think. Be honest. You don’t gotta lie, okay? This is true. It’s me being
honest. I’m opening up to y’all for a second. Does this make me gay? I was at

the mall, right? Some guy saw me. He was like, “oh, Kev Hart. What up,

man? I’m a big fan. I love you, dude. Funny as hell. Keep doing you, man.

Swear to God. Funny.” And I caught it. Does that make me gay? Does that

make me gay? Does it make me gay? I thought he was waving. Put yourself in

my shoes. I thought he was waving. I thought he was waving. Put yourself in

my shoes. I thought he was waving. By the time I realized it wasn’t a wave, it

was too late. I was like, “hey, man. No no no. I got it. Too late. Okay.

Ummm.” It was weird. What do I do now? I held it until he left and then I

set it down. I didn’t use it. I set it down. I swear to God. I’ll tell you the truth.

I didn’t use it. I didn’t put it in my pocket. I just set it down. I wanted to be

like my uncle for a minute. I did. This is me being honest with you guys.

Reason why? My uncle got so much respect, man. People feared my uncle. I

was like I want that fear. People feared my uncle. I was like I want that fear.

Don’t nobody fear me.

People think I’m a bitch. They do. My lady think I’m a bitch. Call me a

bitch all the time. “You a bitch!” Right to my face. “So? Now what? What

happens now?” It’s not that I’m a bitch. I’m just smart. I don’t put myself in
situations where I’m not gonna win. That don’t make me a bitch. Here’s

what really PISSES ME OFF: If I am a bitch, that’s our business. Don’t

nobody know me. You don’t know me, man. If me and you get into an

argument, it don’t matter what I say. If me and you get into an argument, it

don’t matter what I say, you got to believe me ’cause you don’t know what

I’m capable of. Same thing vice-versa. Only way you could tell if I was a bitch

is if somebody close to me says something to set an alarm off in your head.

That’s the type of shit she do. We’re at dinner. I’m a little drunk. I’m not

gonna lie. I get into an argument with this guy, hit him with some thug shit.

“Say something else to me, I’m gonna go to my car, I’ma pop the trunk on

your bitch ass.” That means I’m gonna go to my car, get a gun, come back,

shoot this shit up. When I said it, she was like, “what you gonna get, the car

seat?” “Bitch, what— “Bitch, what— Oh my God. Why would you say that

out loud? Way to go. Congratulations on messing this up for me.

Congratulations.” Women, y’all make me mad with that. I’m gonna tell you

what pisses me off, ladies. I hate the fact, women, that you cannot control

your anger. I hate it. I really hate it. Women, you need to learn to put a cap

on your anger. You know what I mean when I say “cap, ” sweetie? A cap. It
means a point that you will never go above. It means a point that you will

never go above. That’s a cap.

Men, we have a cap. What’s the worst thing you’ll ever say to a woman? –

Shouldn’t take that long, fellas. – Bitch. “Bitch.” There you go. Come in

different levels. “Bitch! Hey! Bitch! Bitch!” Different levels. Different levels.

Women, y’all don’t have a cap. Y’all try to cut so deep when you get mad. You

want to mess with a man’s pride, his goals. Y’all say stuff that ain’t nobody’s

business. It’s Christmas. My mother’s here. It’s Christmas. My mother’s

here. You bring up personal stuff ’cause you got an attitude. “Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, whatever. Whatever. Fuck you, pissin’-in-the-bed boy. Uh-huh! What

now? That’s right. Go upstairs, flip the mattress. It’s a big-ass piss stain on

the other side ’cause you don’t know how to control your bladder. Boo-ya!

Right in front of your ma.” Now you gotta sit there with the “she lyin'” face.

“What? You’re a liar. No, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. No, you’re a liar. You’re a

liar. That’s Mountain Dew. I didn’t pee on anything.” That’s the difference.

Ladies, y’all go too far. When you get mad, y’all see red. Y’all go to the point

of no return, man. Why do you grab the steering wheel while a man is

driving? Why? Why?! We both in the car. You’re gonna kill us both. But you
don’t care ’cause you see red. “Fuck you! Kill us! Kill us both!” Kill us! Kill us

both!” “Hey. Hey! Kill your side, bitch. Ain’t no ‘kill us.’ us ain’t mad. You

got the attitude.” I know women. I can break women down. I’m gonna tell

you guys something that you’re not gonna like, but you need to hear it. You

need to hear it. Not one woman in this room likes for her man to have a good

time when she’s not around. Not one. It’s a true statement. I see some of y’all

lookin’ at me with attitude. I see some of y’all lookin’ at me with attitude.

“Not true. I don’t care. Have fun. Shut up. Kill yourself.” Let me tell you

why. Just listen. Let me tell you why I feel like this, okay? I don’t say anything

that I cannot prove. That’s your lady right there, right? If I’m wrong, sweetie,

tell me I’m wrong. You ever been out with your boys? You’re with your boys.

You ain’t doing nothing wrong. Ain’t no women around. You’re having a

good time with your boys. She call you while you out. When you pick up the

phone, she hears fun in the background. That’s why they get an attitude.

’cause she hears fun. You pick up the phone having a good time. “Hey, shut

up, Steve! Hey! No, hey, I ain’t gonna take another shot. No, hey! Yo, I swear

to God that was like the best night of my life. I swear to God. Hey. Hey,

what’s up, babe?” “You know what? Nothing. Do you. I haven’t got time for

this. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo
boo. You know why? ’cause I’ma do me! Do you, boo boo! Do you! Every

time I call you always laughing. What the fuck is so funny?! You laughing at

my stretch marks?” “What? Nobody knows you have stretch marks.”

“Whatever!” Y’all crazy, man. Y’all are crazy. I’m very serious, man. I’ll— I’ll

go a step further. For those people that are not believers yet, I’ll go a step

further. For those people that are not believers yet, I’ll go a step further.

Fellas, you ever have a genuine laugh around your lady? I’m talking about to

where your stomach hurt. You know the good laughs? One of them. You ever

look at your lady’s face? See how mad she get ’cause she’s not a part of the

laugh? Look at her face. You think I’m lying? “What the hell are you laughing

at? ” “I don’t know. I thought everything was cool. I didn’t know.” I thought

everything was cool. I didn’t know.” I know what I’m talking about. Ladies, I

know what you guys are thinking. You’re like, “whatever.

Men, you do the same thing too. Y’all get an attitude with us when we go

out.” I’ll tell you something, ladies. We don’t really give a fuck. Let me tell

you why. Hey, listen. Listen. We don’t. It’s all an act, okay? If you guys could

see how much fun we have when you leave the house and we’re alone—

There’s so much fun stuff that happens. You’ll never know about this stuff.
It’s just a good time. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. We

got to put on that show so you feel like we care. It’s all a show. “Babe, no.

Come on, babe. Babe, please. Every night with them. Come on. Spend time

with me, your man— And the bitch is gone. Yeah! Yeah! * Oh oh, I’m by

myself * * What? Oh, I’m by myself * * What I’m gonna do? What I’m gonna

do? * * I’ma beat my dick, I’m gonna beat my dick * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it *

* Where the laptop at? Where the laptop at? * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it. *”

That’s what we do. That’s what we do. Soon as you leave, there’s so much

filth that goes down. If you don’t believe me— If you don’t believe me,

ladies, next time you leave the house, come back in five minutes. I bet you

catch him doing nasty shit. Bet money. Bet money you catch him. Soon as

you leave, come back in. “Hey! Get the— Hey, girl. I thought you said you

was going to work. God damn it. You got somebody with you? Is somebody

with you? Wait a minute. Let me clean up. Let me blow these candles out.

God damn it. I thought you was gonna be gone all day. Set up an evening for

myself, you gonna come back all fast. Why didn’t you ring a bell? You don’t

ring bells? You just gonna use a key ’cause you live here. You are something

else. Something else.” I know what I’m talking about. I know what I’m

talking about. Ladies, I’m gonna be honest. I understand you guys. I really
do. I understand you guys. Your biggest fear is not being fun. You don’t ever

want your man to think that you’re not fun. That’s why you’re always

looking for validation. Always. You’re always looking for validation. “Babe,

I’m fun, right? Huh? Babe, look. Remember? Right? Remember that time?

Remember? Jump shot. Remember, I was like, ‘ahhh, in your face. Michael

jordaaan.’ remember? No?” Michael jordaaan.’ remember? No?” See? That’s

why we try to make you feel fun. That’s why we listen to your stories.

To be honest, I can’t stand when women tell stories. I hate it. It makes my

balls itch. I hate it. I swear. It’s just a bunch of words with no plot, no

middle, no ending and it’s always angry. Why are all your stories so angry?

Everything about work is mean. How come nothing good ever happens at

work? It’s always bad. “Babe, let me tell you about this bitch Sabrina at the

office today. “Babe, let me tell you about this bitch Sabrina at the office today.

First of all, she comes in the office with white stockings on and black shoes.

Uh, excuse me, bitch, Labor Day is over. Huh? ‘scuse me. Boop. Thank you.

Backspace. Delete that. Huh-uh.” They start talking about problems in the

office. We don’t fuckin’ know. “Let me tell you what she did, baby. She come

to me talking about, ‘can you go print this out the fax machine?’ ‘uh, no. I
am an executive administrative assistant, not your assistant.'” we got to act

like we know what’s going on. “Whaaaat? “Whaaaat? She told you to print it

out the fax machine? Huh-uh. No, she didn’t. That bitch is crazy. Not my

baby.” “Thank you.” They all turn into the computers. “Thank you. I told

the bitch, ‘boop. Backspace. No. L-o-l. R-t-o-f-m-a-o. Thank you. Delete

that. M-t-f-o-m-o-f-o-h-s.” “What did you just say? ” “Get the fuck out of my

face. We can’t curse in the office.” “Okay.”

I don’t understand you guys. I love you, but I don’t understand you. I love

you, but I don’t understand you. But as men, we have to. I’m not gonna lie.

We’re not perfect. We are not perfect. I know I’m not perfect. The reason

why, ladies? You’ve got a little to do with that. You put men on too high of a

pedestal. Whatever pedestal you have us on, take us off. It’s too high. We’re

never gonna meet your expectations. Take us off. I’m serious. Once you

realize we do dumb shit, we’re dumb sometimes, we’re gonna fuck up—

That’s our nature as a man. we’re gonna fuck up— That’s our nature as a

man. Once you guys realize that we’ll get along so much better. If you don’t

believe me that men do dumb shit and don’t realize it, listen to ’em. Listen to

the answers we give you when we do dumb shit. You ever hear how dumb
our answers are when we do dumb shit? “So you just gonna sit down there at

the pool with all them naked bitches?” “Well, I thought it was cool. I’m

waitin’ on you to come down.” This right here is the national dumb n i g g a

stance. Whenever your man— Whenever he get bow-legged and touch his

face… “I’m waitin’ on everybody else. “I’m waitin’ on everybody else. I’m

thinkin’ everybody gonna eat the chips.” “What? What are you talking

about, man?” I know I’m not perfect. I know I do dumb shit. I do. I can

admit that. I’ve never done crazy stuff. I ain’t never put my hands on my lady.

I never went that far. I plunked her one time. I did do that. Right in the

forehead. Mm, it was solid. It just jumped out my body. I don’t know where

it came from. She was driving, I’m like, “bitch, you think it’s a game?” She

was driving, I’m like, “bitch, you think it’s a game?” You would’ve thought

I’d hit her in the head with a bat. She went… I was scared. I thought I was

going to jail. “Hey, I’m sorry. Get your plunk back. Here. Get it. Plunk me

back. Let’s be even. Come on. Plunk me back. I just wanna be even. Please

please? Can you please plunk me back?” That’s just me being honest. There

are certain things I’m not good at. I’m not a good storm-outter, people. I can

admit that. For those who do not know what storming out is, that’s when

you leave the house angry. that’s when you leave the house angry. “I’m sick of
this! I’m gone!” Slam the door. Boom! The purpose of storming out is to

leave the illusion in your lady’s head that you’re never coming back. When

you slam the door, she’s supposed to break down. Soon as you slam the door.

“I’m gone!” Boom! She breaks down. This is my impression of a woman

breaking down. “No. Oh my God, please don’t. No. No, don’t do this to me.

No, every time I do this, you do this. No.”

I hate when women cry and try to talk. I can’t stand that shit. I can’t stand

that shit. “I ain’t wanna do that. I ain’t tryin’ to do nothing.” I look like the

first slave to ever walk. “I don’t want to do nothing. I was just trying…” It’s

too much. I’m gonna tell you why I’m not a good storm-outter. You know

why? I forget stuff. You can’t storm out and forget shit, ’cause you got to go

back, get the shit you forgot. You look stupid. Trust me, fellas. I know from

experience. You leave angry— “I’m sick of this, man! I’m done! You leave

angry— “I’m sick of this, man! I’m done! I don’t care! I’m done! Forget you!

Forget the house. I’m out!” Boom! “Don’t give a shit, man. My keys. God

damn it. My keys on the thing. Babe, let me get my keys on the top of the

thing. I left my keys up on the top of the thing. Please.” I need my keys. I

need my keys ’cause I got to get in my car. When I get in my car, I get my car
on, step on the gas, make the tires burn out. Reason why I do that? Women,

you can’t handle it. You break down after a while. Women, you can’t handle

it. You break down after a while. “Oh my God, no. He’s gonna kill himself.

No no. Don’t do it. Do the speed limit, please. No. Every time…” That’s my

impression of women. Had to get out of there. Tell you another reason why I

can’t storm out of the house correctly. My son always want to come. Can’t

storm out with a kid. It take too long. A storm out’s gotta be fast. In and out.

Boom boom, quick. My son be at the door. “Mm mm.” “No! No! Stay with

your mother.” “No! No! Stay with your mother.” “Boy, God damn it, stay

with your ma.” This is when women try to use kids as ammunition. “Look at

you. You can’t even take your son with you. He want to go with his dad, but

you can’t even take your son with you.” Now I can’t be a piece of shit. I’ve

got to prove a point. I got to take him. I’ll tell you something, fellas, you look

stupid when you try to keep your attitude and get a baby’s shit together. You

look dumb. From experience, you look stupid. “I don’t give a shit. I’ll take

him. Get the diaper bag. Put the sippy cup and shit in the bag. Get the diaper

bag. Put the sippy cup and shit in the bag. Put the change of clothes and shit

in the bag.” This is when I knew I looked stupid. When I did this with the

diaper bag, “bitch, you think I give a fuck about you— Let me tell you
something, you got another thing coming.” When I swung the diaper bag

over my shoulder— “You got another goddamn thing coming if you think I

give a shit.” It wasn’t good, man. This is me speaking the truth.

See, I can talk about relationships. I’ve been in one for years. I know

relationships. I’ve been in one for years. I know relationships. I see a lot of

couples here together. You guys don’t understand what you’re in. You don’t

know how serious it is. I don’t mind seeing couples. I don’t like seeing new

couples. I can’t stand new love. I hate it. That’s me being honest. It’s too

much. I don’t like over love. You ever see those couples that go too far, that’s

too much? You ever see a couple that’s newly in love try to share? You ever

witness that? “Hey, babe. Hey. Babe. Hey, love button. Hey, love button.

Hey, I got a little bit of juice left. You want some juice? Yeah? You wanna take

a sip, I’ll take a sip, you take a sip? You want to do it like that? You wanna go

‘sip sip sip’ like that back and forth? Yeah? Go ahead. Take a sip. Ah. Give it

to me. You do it. Same time. Do it. Your nose is in the way. No, your nose is

in the way. I love you.” Too much. I fuckin’ hate it. I like older couples. I like

older couples. I like couples that’s got time in, man. You know why? I like to

see those couples argue. Couples with time in, small problems become big
problems. If you’ve got time in, juice can become a problem. Let you go buy

some juice and she’s with you while you buy the juice. You go outside, open

up the juice, she asks for a sip. Bet money you lose your mind over that sip of

juice. Bet money you snap. Soon as you get outside, “babe, let me get a sip.”

“Uh, bitch, didn’t you just see me buy the juice when I was inside? “Uh,

bitch, didn’t you just see me buy the juice when I was inside? So if you

wanted some juice, why didn’t you ask for some juice? Now you want a sip of

my juice, fuck around, take a double sip, I’m left with a little ass sip ’cause

your over-thirsty ass want to take a double sip. No, get your own juice. Walk

your fat ass inside, you sippin’-juice bastard. You wasn’t even thinking about

juice.” That’ll be on your mind all day. Seven hours later, you’ll bring it back

up. “A sip of my goddamn juice. You are something else, you know that? You

are something else. You weren’t even thinking about the juice.”

I got into an argument over mashed potatoes one time. We almost broke up.

I’m very serious. You know what I don’t play? I don’t play that picking off

my plate stuff, ladies. Don’t pick off my plate. I’m very serious. I don’t like it.

In the beginning, men, we have to do it. The reason why? We’re still trying to

impress you. So we go overboard. “Hey, you want a little piece? Yeah? You
want me to cut it? Yeah, I’ll cut it. I’ll give you all this. I’ll just leave this little

piece for myself. Yeah. No no no. I probably should eat the whole thing

’cause I’m a diabetic, but no, I just want you to be happy. Yeah. You should

definitely drive home. I can’t see. It’s a little blurry.” We go overboard. I’m

gonna tell you why I got mad. We’re at a restaurant getting ready to eat

dinner. Her food comes out before mine. “You want me to wait?” I said, “no,

eat your food. Mine’ll be out. Don’t worry about it.” She’s eating. I don’t ask

for any of her food. “Enjoy your food, babe.” My food comes out. He says,

“enjoy your meal.” I said, “thank you, sir.” I take my napkin, fop, put it on

my lap. The reason I go fop, it’s big to me ’cause I’m small. The reason I go

fop, it’s big to me ’cause I’m small. It takes up a lot of space. So I bow my

head to say my grace. As I’m saying my grace, I hear a metal fork on my plate.

“Uh, bitch, you can’t wait till I’m done talking to Jesus before you touch my

goddamn plate?” You know how mad that made me? “Take the goddamn

food, bitch!” I snapped.

I get mad fast. Little shit pisses me off. Takes a lot of patience, man. Whole

lot of patience to be in a relationship. I’m understanding that now. I’m

understanding that in a relationship, I’m understanding that now. I’m

understanding that in a relationship, things will change, people. Nothing

stays great forever. Sex will change. In the beginning, it’s amazing. You know

why? Men, we’re creative. We’re spontaneous. We’ve got a bunch of stuff we

want you to do. “Come on, let’s do this. Let’s try this.” We’ve got a whole

bunch of stuff. But after a while, fellas, we get repetitive. We start to do the

same thing over and over again. Your lady will never tell you this. You got to

be a real man. You got to check your ego to figure this out. I’m gonna tell you

how you can tell if you’ve been doing the same stuff for years. She ever get

into a position before you put her in it? She ever get into a position before

you put her in it? Think about it. Just think about it a second. That’s how

you can tell. That’s how they mess with you. You’ll be having sex, she’s like…

“You want me to turn over, right? I knew it. Same thing since ’88. You ain’t

changed.” She start answering questions before you ask ’em. “It’s yours.” “I

ain’t say shit.” “You’re about to. You say the same thing every time my ass get

up in the air. You’re about to come. Watch, here it come. You’re about to

come. Watch, here it come. You came? I told you. High-five. What’d I tell

you? I know my man. Give it to me. Up top.” Your dumb ass get up dancing.

“You’re goddamn right. I tore that thing up.” No, you didn’t. No, you

didn’t. It’s the same dumbass moves that you’ve been doing.
I know I’m not good at sex anymore. I know it. No need for me to lie. We’ve

been together too long. I’m not gonna lie. I’ve tried to rekindle this flame,

people. I have. I tried to spice it up. Tried having phone sex and stuff, Tried

having phone sex and stuff, but it’s hard for me. I’ve got too many people in

my house. I got kids, I got a nanny. I got to call at the right time. I call one

time, she picked up. I was like, “what you doin’? ” “Nothing. Laying down” I

said, “why don’t you lick your finger and touch your nipple?” She said,

“what?” I said, “shut up. Just do it.” Out of nowhere, all I heard was, “daddy,

you want me to do mine too?” “Hello? Hello? Hello? Is that the baby on the

phone? Well, what the hell is the baby doing on the goddamn phone?” Well,

what the hell is the baby doing on the goddamn phone?” When I came

home, it’s like, “daddy!” “Hey, no! No! Come here. That’s gay! Come here.

Let me tell you something!” I didn’t know what to do. I did not know what

to do. It’s a difficult time for me.

I’m gonna tell you something. I’m gonna tell you where all of my sex advice

comes from. My grandpop. My grandpop gives me the best advice ever. I

love my grandpop to death. I wish everybody could meet my grandpop. I love

my grandpop to death. I wish everybody could meet my grandpop. If you’re

lucky enough to have your grandparents in your life, and you wanna laugh—

Listen to me. Shouts out to all y’all with grandparents. If you got a

grandparent in your life and want to laugh, ask your grandpop— Just see

what he say— Say, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some ass?” Just

to see— Just to see what he says. I promise you it’ll be the funniest shit you

ever heard in your life. My grandpop never answered. He just said a bunch of

stuff. This is not a joke. I said, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some

ass?” “Hey hey, look at me. “Hey hey, look at me. Okay? Hey hey. Hey.

What’d I do? You know what I did. All right? Okay? Let me tell you

something. I put that key in that door and locked that motherfucker, didn’t

I? Hey. Okay? Hey. Gave her that goddamn ‘wha-whan,’ yes, I did. Yes, I did!

Look at my eyes. Roll ’em.” “What? What does any of that mean? What did

you just say? What did you say, grandpop?” I’m telling you, man, he’s funny.

My grandpa’s one of those old down-south old men. When my grandpa cuss,

he pronounce every letter in the cuss word. “Sh-ee-it-tt!” Like he’s serious.

He’s serious old, man. Let me tell you. This is what he does every day. All my

grandpop do every day— He just stand at the screen door and just complain

and shit. He just fuss all day. “Look look look look look look look. “Look

look look look look look look. Look look look at this. Somebody come look
at this. Look at this. Somebody come look at this. Look at this. Goddamn cat

drinking milk out the bowl. Get out the bowl! ” This is what makes me

laugh. After he yell at somethin’, he stare at it for a long time. “Get out the

bowl!” He was asleep. He fell asleep. I wish y’all could see him. Kids be teasin’

him. Kids are mean, man. Why are kids so mean? ’cause they know he can’t

get out the screen door. They tease him. They come up to the door. They

tease him. They come up to the door. Shit. He gets so mad. Have you ever

seen an old person get real pissed off till they start making them noises?

“What? What’d he say?” “He’s just angry. He’s an angry old man.” I saw my

grandpop fall one time. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Took my

grandpop 47 seconds to fall. Took my grandpop 47 seconds to fall. It took

too long. It took way too long. It’s funny, but it’s not funny. I’m gonna show

you exactly what I saw. This is how my grandpa fell. This is exactly what I

saw. Ahh… I got tired of watching. I just kicked it. “Stop. Let go. I got tired

of watching. I just kicked it. “Stop. Let go. Stop it. Stop it. It could have been

over. You’ve not even got that far. Stop. It’s too much, grandpop.”

Watching people fall is funny. When was the last time you really fell? “Oh oh

oh!” One of those. “Oh no no!” Hey, Shaq, when you fall during the games,
it’s the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Hey, you ever see his legs after he

fall? Next time, look. I’m telling you, y’all. Next time you watch a game and

he fall, this exactly what he do. Look, it’s always something stupid. He go up

to get a rebound, he don’t get it. “Oh. No.” LeBron. This is LeBron. Look at

him. LeBron. This is LeBron. Look at him. “God damn it, Shaq. Get your

ass— Shit, man. Get up.” “I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” Okay, one more,

one more. Shaq, this is how you fall frontwards. “Hey, no. Oh God, please.”

Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh, y’all got to look at the coach’s face. Y’all don’t

watch the right shit, man. This is Shaq falling and this is the coach.

“Somebody help his ass up. LeBron, get him up!” “No no no. I pushed him

too hard.” I told you I was gonna fuck with you. I’m gonna tell y’all, the

fucked-up part about that joke? I fucked my knee up just now. That shit

hurt. That shit hurt so goddamn bad. I tried to run it off. That shit locked up

on me, didn’t it? That age is coming out. That shit hurt like hell. Talking

about people falling. Talking about people falling. Tell you who else is funny

to watch fall. Women, you don’t fall, you buckle. I like watching you guys

buckle— That heel. Fop fop. I like that. That heel get hold of y’all. Fop fop

real quick. Oh, that’s the funniest shit ever to me. Y’all don’t know how to

play it off. Y’all don’t know— They don’t know what to do so they try to stay
regular. It’s always on a cute night. “No, girl. They talkin’ ’bout— Tonight—

No no, bitch. Please, get the— Get the heel. No, it’s slushy. Get the heel. No,

it’s slushy. Get the heel. Get the heel back there, please.” Or y’all do— Or y’all

do that shit— Or y’all do that shit where y’all miss a step. You ever see a girl

miss a step? She don’t fall down the steps. Y’all ride ’em. “N-n-no.” Y’all do

that right there? “N-n-no no no. N-n-no.” You ever notice there’s always a

pervert guy to catch you? “N-n-no.” “I got you. God damn. I got you. Oh,

damn it. God damn. You almost fell, didn’t you? You almost fell, didn’t you?

I got you. No, I got you by your titties. That’s what I caught you by— Your

titties. Jesus. I’ve never seen anybody fall like that. That was good. I caught

her right there. Did you see how I caught her? Her titty was in my hand.”

I’m joking around and making fun of people falling, old people and stuff, but

I can do that. Know why? I have old people in my life that I’m close to. My

road manager and I are very close. He’s older. He’s old. We fight a lot though.

It’s kind of like a relationship. Been around me for years. He was with me

before money even came into the picture. He’s the one scrambling up for me.

When you’re around somebody for so long, naturally you start to butt heads.

Little shit annoy you. I don’t like the way he sneezes. I don’t like it. I swear to
God, when he sneeze, it’s a close call. I swear to God, when he sneeze, it’s a

close call. You think he’s about to die. This is how he sneeze. I’m not

bullshitting. It’s the scariest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. I’ve never seen

nobody catch their breath from a sneeze. He’s old though, man. He does so

much shit that pisses me off. I don’t like it when people are slow. He’s very

slow. When you get in the car, how long does it take you to pull off? When

you get in the car, how long does it take you to pull off? A couple seconds,

right? Okay. It took him 25 minutes to pull off the other day. I’m dead

serious. I can’t— I can’t tell you. I got to show you. But don’t make me

laugh, okay? I’m gonna show you exactly what he did. Okay. I’m in the car.

I’m in the passenger seat. I got my seatbelt on. I’m ready for him. All he’s got

to do is get in, pull off. I’m gonna show you. Don’t make me laugh though.

“All right. Let’s go. Okay. Oh. Oh no. Okay. Hey hey. Hey, Kevin. Hey,

Kevin. Hey, Kevin. Hey. Hey hey, Kevin. Look where they at.” Now I don’t

wanna laugh ’cause I wanna see what he’s gonna say about taking so long.

This is exactly what he did. I’m not bullshitting. “Oh God. All right. All

right, let’s go. All right. Got it. All right, got it. Got it. Got it. You ready? You

ready to get on out of here?” You ready? You ready to get on out of here?”
“What the f— Yes. I’m waiting on you. Come on.” This is the shit that pissed

me off. He’s all, “let’s go. Gotcha gotcha gotcha.” What the fuck is this?

“Why are you shooting at me? ” That shit made me so mad. Like “what the

fuck? Don’t put your hands in my face. You’re being an asshole. Just drive,

man. Don’t say shit to me. Just drive the car.” That is the only time I’ve ever

cussed at Nate. He’d never got mad to the point where he’d cuss back. This is

the first time he ever cussed back at me. I could tell how old he was by the

way he cussed at me. I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me.

“Let me tell you something, sucka. Hey! Listen, Jack, you ain’t nothing but a

piece of cheese without the corners. In other words, you ain’t never gonna be

a slice, bitch.” “What did you just say to me?” “You heard what the fuck I

said.” Here’s the thing— I give Nate a lot of shit. I tease Nate a lot, okay? But

at the end of the day, he’s got my back. I know he does. Nate’d take a bullet

for me if he had to. How do I know this? It’s been confirmed. All right? We

was in Dallas, Texas— We was in Dallas, Texas— Me, Nate, my boy Harry,

Wayne, spank— My lady was with me. We having a good time. We do a show,

we’re at the after party. We gettin’ it in. * Mmm mmm * * Get money, mmm

mmm * * Get money. * We gettin’ it in, right? I look up, the owner of the

club, he got my lady by the arm, her girlfriend by the other arm, he’s
throwing them out. I saw it happen, but I acted like I didn’t ’cause I didn’t

want to be a part of it. I didn’t want to be involved. My boy Wayne was like,

“yo, he got your girl by the arm.” “What? Chill. Don’t nobody do shit. I got

it.” “What? Chill. Don’t nobody do shit. I got it.” I run up to him. I say,

“don’t put your hands on my lady, man.” I pushed him. He didn’t go back

that far, but it was a good push for me. It was all I had. When I did it, he was

like, “security!” Security came up, grabbed me, put me in a full-Nelson. Now

you know how you think you making somebody struggle? You think you

give ’em a hard way to go? I thought I was, but I wasn’t. I was just moving my

face. I was like… So now in my mind, I’m like, “where is Wayne at?” That’s

my security guard. That’s who I pay for shit like this not to happen. On cue,

Wayne and my boy spank come running up, On cue, Wayne and my boy

spank come running up, they grab the security guards. They’re like, “get off

him. Let him go.” Now I hear ’em. I’m still in a full-Nelson, but I hear my

friends so I feel better. I know I’m safe now. But before they let me go, the

owner mushes me! He puts his hand on my face. “I said get the fuck outta

here.” Mushed me. I never had nobody put their hand on my face. I didn’t

know what to do. I didn’t know how to get it off. I panicked. I panicked. I

licked his palm. I licked the shit out of his palm. “Get your hands… Off my
face.” He was like… He was like… Then they let me go. Now I’m free, but I’m

not leaving ’cause I don’t want him to think I’m a bitch. So I run back up to

him. “Yo, man, don’t put your hands on my face. You don’t know me like

that.” As I’m talking to him, I’m like, “oh shit, he’s in a fighting stance. Kev,

he about to hit you. Protect yourself. Better yet, hit him first.” I throw a

punch. Punched him right in the face. Bow! Never hit nobody in the face

before. I was excited. I celebrated. I was like, “yeah, bitch. You don’t want it.

Real n i g g a s. All day. D-block. All day. By myself. Gun on my waist. By

myself. Gun on my waist. Smile on my face. In jail. One bed. One blanket.

You wanna go night night, n i g g a? You wanna go night night, n i g g a?” So

now he tries to tackle me. As I’m in my speech, he tackles me. Why would

you tackle me? I’m small. I got a low center of gravity. I get him off me. I start

uppercutting him. Mmm mmm mmm. Whipping his ass. He realizes that

he’s losing. He tries to call his security guard back. “Thomas, Thomas, come

help.” I look over. Wayne, my security guard— Wayne got a real big stomach.

Wayne had Thomas on the wall. Wayne got a real big stomach. Wayne had

Thomas on the wall. When I looked over, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I

SAW: Wayne was like, “what you doin’? Where you goin’? No, what you

doin’? Where you gonna go? What you doin’?” It didn’t look good. I didn’t
know if he was helping me or helping his self. I never brought it back up. I

didn’t want to know. So now reality has kicked in. “Oh shit, I’m in Dallas,

Texas. If I get arrested out here, I’m not getting out of jail till, like, Tuesday.”

I’m like, “yo, let’s go. Get the car. Nate, get the car! Let’s go!” This is how I

knew Nate was O.G. This is how I knew Nate was O.G. Nate got the car,

pulled the car up on the curb, blocked the whole curb off, right? I’ve never

seen Nate this hype in my life. He was hype as shit. He’s like, “hey! Get Kev

in the car! Hurry up, man! Hurry up before the cops come. Somebody grab

his head, push his head down so they don’t see him.” When he said that, I

was like, “oh shit. Nate used to be a killer. How else would he know what to

do in a situation like this? I don’t even know who he is anymore.” Then he

snaps on me. “I can’t believe you, Kevin. You got a career! You doin’

television, you doin’ movies. You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight?

You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight? That’s stupid! Let’s go!

Hurry up, man! Hurry up ‘fore the cops come. We don’t have time. Y’all

wanna do what y’all wanna do. We got to get the hell out of here. We don’t

have this type of time.” We never pulled off. We got locked up on the spot.

Cleveland, I love y’all. My name’s Kev Hart. Thank you.