THE CHIP 'N DALE'S RESCUE RANGERS

REBOOT NO ONE ASKED FOR

Written by

Dan Gregor & Doug Mand

Third Studio Draft

5/13/16

Producer: Mandeville Films

THE MOVIE’S OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE PLAYS OVER...
The classic CHIP ‘N DALE RESCUE RANGERS OPENING CREDIT
SEQUENCE AND THEME SONG. A montage of all the famous moments
from the show: the team of CHIP, DALE, MONTEREY JACK, GADGET,
and ZIPPER fighting Professor Nimnol, Fat Cat, a gator, and
more! Chase sequences! Runaway trains! Flying through a
storm! Finding clues and catching criminals! It’s all there!
OPENING CREDIT SONG
Sometimes, some crimes/ go slipping
through the cracks/ but these two
gumshoes/ are picking up the slack...
THE IMAGES START TO BECOME WARBLED, THE COLORS FADING, THE
EDGES FEATHERING. THE SINGER’S VOICE STARTS TO WARP.
OPENING CREDIT SONG (CONT’D)
There’s no case too big, no case
too small/ when you need help just
call...
NOW THE VOICE TAKES ON A SLOW, MESSED UP TONE...
OPENING CREDIT SONG (CONT’D)
CH-CH-CH-CHIP AND DALE. RESCUE
RANGERS. CH-CH-CH-CHIP AND DALE.
RESCUE RANGERS...
As the logo of the show hits the screen, with CHIP AND DALE
smiling their big sweet toothy smiles, THE IMAGE AND SONG
WARP BEYOND RECOGNITION, TEARING INTO PIECES...
As we PULL OUT TO:

EXT. FLEA MARKET - DAY

We REVEAL this was a VHS tape of the Rescue Rangers being
played on an old TV/VCR combo that’s stopped working and now
gets thrown out. We’re in a flea market stall filled with old
DVDs and VHS tapes, in the middle of a ramshackle parking lot
flea market. THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN hangs in the background.
A gravelly NOIR NARRATOR starts in...
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hollywood. Tinseltown. Screenland.
Glitzburg. The Big Celluloid. You
know all the names. Everyone in this
town is desperate for something...

INT. STUDIO SOUNDSTAGE

A director calls “CUT!” on a scene as we REVEAL the scene
he’s directing is an ANIMATED CARTOON (think the show Pickle
& Peanut).
 2.

THE ACTORS ARE ALL CARTOONS, WHO NOW WALK OFF THE ANIMATED
BACKDROP AND INTO THE REAL WORLD, AS WE SEE CARTOONS AND REAL-
LIFE HUMANS SEAMLESSLY INTERACT (À LA ROGER RABBIT).
NARRATOR (V.O.)
From the newbie actors getting
their shot in the bigs...
PICKLE
I’m just gonna take a soak while
they set up the next shot.
A P.A. brings PICKLE a huge Vlasic pickle jar for his feet.

EXT. INTELLIGENTSIA COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Hipsters and cool, young cartoons (in the styles of very
modern cartoons like Archer, Bojack Horseman, or Robot and
Monster) sip coffee and struggle on their computers at a
trendy coffee spot.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
...to the Silverlake wannabe
screenwriters scrambling to write
the next summer blockbuster.
An animated BEAVER working on a yellow note-pad absent
mindedly chews on his pencil until it’s all gone.
BEAVER
(realizing)
Dang it.
A bus drives by with a movie poster for CITIZEN KANE 2: GONE
SLEDDING (an action movie with Charles Kane as a hero snow-
boarder).

EXT. SHERMAN OAKS - DAY

Interspersed between human commuters exiting the front doors
of nice apartment complexes, we see OAK TREES that serve as
apartment complexes for animated MONKEYS, GORILLAS, and
CHIMPS, who swing down with their briefcases.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
From the status climbing junior
execs out in burbs dressed up in
their monkey suits...

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

We watch the terrible TRAFFIC OF THE 405. Human drivers
jockey through lanes alongside ANIMATED TALKING CARS.
 3.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
...to the road raging commuters on
the 405...
BENNY THE CAB (FROM ROGER RABBIT)
We’re late for work, ya moron!
ROGER RABBIT honks BENNY’S horn. In the background is a
billboard with Cameron Diaz in man makeup. The tagline reads:
“CAMERON DIAZ IS... MISTER DOUBTFIRE.”

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS - DAY

Old timer Hollywood big shots do lunch alongside old-
fashioned Disney style cartoons, many of whom are still in
black and white. We land on an animated CAT-FISH in a suit
sitting at a table.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
To the big-fish producers lunching
in Beverly Hills.
CAT-FISH
I need something to sell upstairs. A
reboot, a remake, a prequel, a sequel.
Just nothing new. Whaddya got?
OLD PRODUCER
It’s called “Gone With The Wind...
And Mummies”!
CAT-FISH
I like it. I like it a lot.
He buries his head into his plate of pasta and gobbles it up.

INT. DINGY HOLLYWOOD APARTMENT - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
They’re all desperate to squeeze a
buck out of anything they’ve got.
A big, intimidating (animated) GOON stands in the doorway of
FLOUNDER’s apartment (the fish from The Little Mermaid).
GOON
Time to pay up.
Flounder, clearly frightened, holds up a FORK.
FLOUNDER
(desperate)
Isn’t it neat?
The Goon just shakes his head NO.
 4.

FLOUNDER (CONT’D)
Come on! This is a genuine
dinglehopper! It’s worth a lot.
GOON
I know how you can pay us back.
The Goon grabs Flounder and drags him off.

INT. SUBWAY STATION - DAY

A BOOTLEG VIDEO HAWKER (who is an ANIMATED HAWK) shouts from
the station platform selling black market DVDs:
BOOTLEG VIDEO HAWKER
CD! DVD! CD! DVD!
We ANGLE ON a BOOTLEG DVD CASE, an illegal rip-off of
Disney’s The Little Mermaid, titled “THE SMALL FISHLADY.”
Flounder is on the cover, but his appearance has been changed
somewhat: new eyes, differently colored stripes, weird lips.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And when you don’t got nothing left
to squeeze, they’ll squeeze some
more.
The hawker gets cash for one as a COP shouts at him to STOP! The
hawker wraps up his wares and escapes onto an exiting train.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Squeeze you till you’re nothing but
slime in the sewer. A sweat stain
on a bus seat...

EXT. CONVENTION CENTER - DAY

The marquee outside a mid-rate convention center reads
“AUTOGRAPH AND NOSTALGIA EXPO.”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
... Gum on a tire.
A car pulls into the lot and drives over some gum.

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - DAY

We come in to a sprawling expo; hundreds of booths for
paraphernalia dealers and old mid-rate TV and movie stars
signing autographs (an equal portion of which are live-action
humans and cartoon characters).
ANGLE ON:
 5.

A big stage set up in the back, the spotlight hits the center
curtain, as an audience of dorky, middle-aged fanboys, stomp
their feet and passionately clap with anticipation.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
ARE YOU READY FOR THE STAR OF THE
DAY?!?!
We CLOSE ON DALE, listening to the announcer, waiting. He
wears his trademark Hawaiian shirt from the show. He looks
different than he did in the TV series in the early 90s. HE’S
A CGI DIGITAL ANIMATION NOW. Even though he’s clearly aged,
he’s doing everything in his power to keep fit and tight.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT’D)
YOU KNOW HIM FROM THE DISNEY
AFTERNOON!
The crowd goes wild.
BACK TO CLOSE ON DALE taking deep breaths, psyching himself
up.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
YOU’VE SEEN HIM IN YOUR LIVING ROOM
SO MUCH HE’S PRACTICALLY PART OF
YOUR FAMILY!
The crowd is apoplectic with excitement.
BACK TO CLOSE ON DALE rehearsing what he’s going to say.
DALE
(under his breath,
rehearsing)
It is such an honor that you all
came to see me, I don’t just
consider you my fans. I consider
you my friends.
The stage shakes from the stomping and clapping.
ANNOUNCER
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE...
Dale takes a deep breath...
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
BALOO!!
BALOO (the new giant CGI BEAR from the rebooted Jungle Book)
walks through the curtain onto the stage and basks in the
applause. He looks ‘cool’, wearing shades and a leather cuff
bracelet.
 6.

We REVERSE TO REVEAL that on the other side of convention

center floor is Dale, who sits in a lonely little booth,
watching the stage from afar, imagining that it was him up on
that stage.
In the booth next to him is ERIK ESTRADA (banner reads “Erik
Estrada from Chips”) who leans in.
ESTRADA
You’re doing the thing again. Where
you get that Ariel, “Part of Your
World,” look.
DALE
Huh? What? No, I’m not--
We CUT WIDE to see in the booth on the other side of Dale is
in fact ARIEL from The Little Mermaid. They have THE EXACT
SAME LOOK, except Ariel is posing for a picture. The picture
snaps, the fan leaves and she lets out a deep breath.
ARIEL
These Spanx are killing me.
Dale snaps out of it, getting up to walk in place, while
checking his STEP-TRACKER.
DALE
I don’t wanna be Baloo, but you
gotta admit that Jungle Book reboot
is doing wonders for his career.
Remember all those years he was
sweatin’ it out here with us in the
Tailspin booth?
ESTRADA
That’s the point. It could happen
for any of us. Just gotta keep
grinding. Did I tell you, A&E
approached me about maybe doing a
reality show where I work on cases
with the FBI.
DALE
(jealous disbelief)
Really? You’re getting a show? You?
The FBI? A&E? You?
(clearly full of it)
Yeah, well, I actually have a bunch
going on too. Lot of heat behind
this Rescue Rangers reboot. I’m
getting a ton of Facebook likes on
the fan page -- with enough
momentum, I think we could actually
get a Kickstarter.
(MORE)
 7.

DALE (CONT'D)
Oh, and the other day I ran into
Johnny Galecki at SoulCycle and
floated him the idea of being a
part of the reboot, and he didn’t
commit to it, but he did let me buy
him a juice, soooo post-BBT- that’s
“Big Bang Theory”- I think he’s as
good as in. Yup, so I’m doing real
good too, this reboot is going to
happen fo-sho.
Just then, ALLAN, a pasty middle-aged superfan, approaches
Dale, his camera phone already recording. Dale perks up to
finally have a fan, getting into performance mode.
ALLAN
Dale! I’m finally getting to meet
you. I was sure there was going to
be a longer line.
DALE
Well, you missed the rush.
ALLAN
Oh my god, I have so many questions
for you, I’m such a big fan.
DALE
Ask away. Anything for a fan.
ALLAN
(rehearsed speech)
Is it true that you back-stabbed
Chip to get your own spin-off
without him?
DALE
Whoa. Well, it’s a lot more
complicated than that, uhh, how
about instead we take a selfie?
ALLAN
Awesome!
DALE
On three, say “Rescue Rangers!”
ALLAN
...can you say it in the voice?
DALE
OK. But only because I consider my
fans my friends.
Dale takes a deep breath, then strains his voice to reach the
HIGH-PITCHED CHIPMUNK VOICE we’re accustomed to on the show.
 8.

DALE (CONT’D)
(high-pitched)
Rescue Rang--
ALLAN
(quickly forgetting Dale)
Oh my god, is that Baloo?! The king
of the Disney afternoon!? I gotta
get a selfie with him!
Allan runs off, immediately forgetting about Dale. Dale
longingly watches Baloo’s circle of admirers grow.
BALOO
I’m buying everyone here cheesy
crust pizza!
The crowd around Baloo goes crazy!
DALE
(calling after Allan)
Don’t forget to join the fan page:
[Link]/RebootCHIPnDALE!
ESTRADA
(re: Allan leaving)
Ouch. Fairweather friends, huh?
(then)
By the way, I can’t come over on
Friday anymore, something... better
came up.
Dale sinks.
DALE
(putting a positive spin)
It’s probably better. I really
should spend Friday updating the
fan page.
ESTRADA
You know you could probably drum up
a lot more hype for the reboot if
Chip was involved.
DALE
Sure. Only problem is Chip hasn’t
returned my call in years. I think
the guy’s got a huge head...

INT. DOWNTOWN BAR - DAY

A raucous group of humans and cartoons squeeze around a small
table, waving wads of money around, placing bets. CHIP,
sitting at the table, his cheeks filled to the brim with
walnuts, his head huge. HE’S STILL A CLASSIC 2D ANIMATION.
 9.

Sitting across from Chip is a Michael Bay-esque TRANSFORMER,

also with a mouth bursting with walnuts. The Transformer
sweats as he struggles to push another walnut in his mouth,
without letting the rest fall out. It’s finally in.
BARTENDER
(refereeing)
Ninety eight! That’s 98 nuts in the
Transformer’s mouth!
The crowd cheers, and then looks to Chip, his turn again.
Even though Chip is a 50th the size of the Transformer, and
his mouth is very full, he seems perfectly calm and
confident. He speaks clearly through his clenched teeth.
CHIP
(sarcastic)
Wow. I don’t know about this. I’ve
never done ninety-nine before.
(then, to the crowd)
What do you guys think?
The crowd cheers him on.
CHIP (CONT’D)
OK, here goes nothing.
Chip takes a walnut from the table, and puts it in his mouth
without a problem. The crowd ERUPTS!
BARTENDER
Ninety nine! That’s 99 nuts for the
sarcastic chipmunk!
CHIP
(smiling, clenched teeth)
Must be my lucky day.
The Transformer looks on in shock. Reluctantly, he brings
another walnut to his trembling mouth. He forces it into his
mouth and closes his lips tight. But before he can celebrate,
he GAGS and ALL THE NUTS COME SHOOTING OUT OF HIS MOUTH,
rifling into the head of nearby WEASEL.
BARTENDER
Disqualified! We have a winner!
The crowd goes nuts, various people slap Chip five, as bets
are paid up. Chip calmly removes the walnuts from his mouth,
and collects his winnings from the table.
CHIP
And to think, all my teachers said
my big mouth would only get me in
trouble. Well, it’s been a
pleasure, you are all gentleman and
scholars.
 10.

Chip gets up to leave, when the bartender grabs him by the

arm.
BARTENDER
Now I remember where I know you
from! You’re from that Rescue
Rangers show, aren’t you?
CHIP
(irked by being recognized)
Nope. Wrong guy. I’ve just got one
of those faces I guess. Well,
thanks for the hospitality.
Chip gets up, walking through the raucous crowd, past the
still dizzy Weasel lying on the ground with TINY ANIMATED
YELLOW BIRDS circling his head. Chip EXITS.
YELLOW BIRD 1
(to another bird)
Hey! Ron! I haven’t seen you since
that Pee Wee hockey tournament.
YELLOW BIRD 2
Oh, that was a good gig. So many
dizzy kids.

EXT. DOWNTOWN BAR - DAY

Chip puts his winnings in his inner coat pocket, bundles up
against the wind, and starts walking, when suddenly the bar
door swings open. The TRANSFORMER comes out, ANGRY.
TRANSFORMER
Hey chipmunk. The bartender just
told me you’re an actor from some
kid’s show.
CHIP
Nope, children’s TV is stupid. I’m
just a guy you lost a bet to, fair
and square.
TRANSFORMER
You put on an act and hustled me. I
want my money back.
CHIP
You clearly have money management
issues, why don’t I just hold on to
it for you for safe keeping.
TRANSFORMER
(towering over him)
Money. Now. Or else.
 11.

CHIP
Well when you put it that way, I
guess I have no choice...
Just as it looks like Chip is going to hand over the money,
he MAKES A RUN FOR IT!
TRANSFORMER
Hey! Get back here!

EXT. DOWNTOWN SIDEWALKS - DAY

Chip books it around the corner, bumping past pedestrians,
cartoons and humans alike. It’s a real “Ferris Bueller” run.
CHIP
(to angry pedestrians)
Excuse me! Pardon me! Looking good
ladies!
(to a tourist)
Be sure to check out the Bradbury
Building. It’s a must!
The Transformer turns the corner FURIOUS, and CHARGES at
Chip, bowling over the same pedestrians.
Chip looks back, the Transformer is gaining on him. As the
chase ensues we notice the BACKGROUND OF THEIR SCENE KEEPS
REPEATING ITSELF- like an old wrap around animation cell. The
stores all have the same couch, chair, and lamp in the
window.
When we PULL WIDE we see a banner hanging over the street
that reads “WELCOME TO THE COUCH, CHAIR, LAMP DISTRICT!”
Chip runs into a store.

INT. HISPANIC BAKERY

Chips bursts in frantically, hoping run out through the back.
CHIP
DO YOU HAVE A BACKDOOR--
Suddenly he stops when he sees something in the pastry case.
CHIP (CONT’D)
(totally calm)
Oooh, is that sopaipilla? You never
see these. I’ll take a dozen.
Chip grabs a box full, and drops a twenty. Just then the
Transformer STORMS IN.
TRANSFORMER
Get back here!
 12.

CHIP
Keep the change. Gotta run!
Chip runs out the back door.

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

The Transformer bursts out of the door but doesn’t see Chip.
We see Chip is burrowed away in the tailpipe of a car,
receding into the distance.
CHIP
(calling back)
Goodbye! So long! Au revoir! Auf
Wiedersehen! Bon Voyagey! Peace
out!
The Transformer watches him go, helpless and infuriated.

EXT. KOREATOWN STREETS - LATER

As the car passes a street corner in Koreatown, the streets
filled with Asian immigrants and Anime characters alike, Chip
pops out of the tail pipe and shakes off the soot. He looks
pleased with himself as he begins to whistle his way towards
a crummy old apartment building in front of him.
He walks up the stairs, tipping over a flower pot without
breaking stride, that then serves as the last step for him to
reach the key hole, which is otherwise too tall for him.

INT. KOREATOWN APARTMENT BUILDING

The elevator DINGS as it reaches the floor. The door does not
open, even though we hear Chip still whistling on the other
side. Suddenly the door is pried open with a spatula, and
Chip emerges, leaving the spatula on the other side of the
door for next time.
Chip walks past an open apartment door that has an old Korean
lady inside feeding her cats. He holds up the box of pastries.
CHIP
(calling inside)
Brought you some sopaipilla, Mrs.
Kwong.
MRS. KWONG
My favorite! You never see these
anywhere!
 13.

CHIP
I know.
(then)
How’s the trumpet lessons coming?
MRS. KWONG
Pretty good!
Chip walks past and does an elaborate jiggle of his key to
unlock the door to his apartment (a short Chipmunk-sized door
inside the regular door), as he ENTERS.

INT. CHIP’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Chip walks into his small studio apartment. He takes a huge
sigh of relief, happy to finally be alone in his element
again. It’s pretty no-frills, a bed, TV and a dresser. He
starts his routine; absentmindedly flipping on the hot pot to
cook a ramen, flips on the TV, passes a half done puzzle on
the table.
CHIP
(re: puzzle piece)
Oooh there’s the bottom of the
rowboat!
He puts the piece in happily and goes to the dresser.
In the background we hear the TV blare...
TV (O.S.)
Alvinnnnnnn!
Chip sees a commercial for another piece of garbage Alvin and
the Chipmunks movie.
TV (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Alvin and the Chipmunks are back!
And this time, they’re rapping!
We hear Tag Team’s “Whoomp! (There It Is)” in the background.
ALVIN (O.S.)
(bad rap)
Chipmunks, back again. Check it,
rodents, let’s begin, party on
party possums--
CHIP
Ugh. Of course they’re rapping.
Always gotta make the cartoons rap.
TV (O.S.)
This Friday, Alvin and the
Chipmunks 18: “Up Chips Creek”!
 14.

Chip turns the TV off, and digs in towards the back of the
bottom drawer of his dresser. He takes out the wad of money
from his jacket, and hides it in there with the rest of his
savings.
Next to the money is a METAL POG (one of those early 90s
collectible circular game pieces) with CHIP AND DALE on it,
looking young and happy. CHIP PICKS IT UP AND STARES AT IT
WISTFULLY FOR A MOMENT.
He puts it back, hides it again in clothes, then closes the
drawer... When suddenly out of the corner his eye he notices
his land-line phone’s message button is BLINKING RED.
CHIP
Huh? No one calls here.
He gets up confused, and presses play on the voice-mail.
MONTY (VOICE-MAIL)
G’day Chipper! It’s me, your Rescue
Rangers co-star, Monterey Jack!
CHIP
(to himself)
... Monty?
MONTY (VOICE-MAIL)
I know we haven’t spoken in...
Well, a long time... but I’m in a
heck of a lot of trouble and I
could use some help. From a friend.
I’d really appreciate if you could
come see me at my place.
Chip is confused, not sure what to do. We hear a moody Noir
trumpet blare.
CHIP
(calling off)
Sounding good Mrs. Kwong!
MRS. KWONG (O.S.)
Thank you!

EXT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - MORNING

Chip nervously stands outside Monterey Jack’s house, holding
the piece of paper with the address on it. He takes a deep
breath and knocks on the door.
MONTEREY JACK (“MONTY”), a mouse, Australian, more manic than
we remember him from the show, opens the tiny door within the
door for Chip, ushers him in and shuts it right behind him.
 15.

INT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - MORNING

Monty looks out a peephole at his eye level.
MONTY
(paranoid, frazzled)
Quick, get in while the coast is
clear. They’re always watching me.
His place is a ramshackle mess.
CHIP
Who is? What’s going on?
Monty stops and looks at Chip, then gives him a big hug.
MONTY
Oh, it’s been too long Chip.
CHIP
Yeah, I sorta disappeared for a
while, it’s just-- I’m sorry what
is that god awful smell?
Monty whips out an old cologne with Chip and Dale on it.
MONTY
You don’t remember? Rescue Rangers
Cologne! I wear it every day.
CHIP
Yeah, it got recalled for causing
rashes and staying in your skin for
days.
(then)
Monty, what am I doing here besides
testing my gag reflex for the
unnatural smell of almond butter and
Polo Sport? I haven’t seen you in
forever and you call me out of the
blue, tell me you’re in trouble.
Monty puts his head down, ashamed.
MONTY
I screwed up, Chip. My love of
cheese got the best of me, and I
bought more than I could pay for.
CHIP
Oh no. Cheese? Monty.
MONTY
I know. But I haven’t done it in
weeks.
Just then, an alluring animated WAFT OF SMELL LINES emanate
through the kitchen door.
 16.

CHIP
Then what is that?
MONTY
Oh crud, it’s a real stinky
Gorgonzola, you weren’t supposed to
see that...
Monty tries to push the smell lines back into the kitchen,
but it becomes a hand that finds its way into his nose,
sending him into a cheese-induced daze, his mustache twirling
and eyes spinning, that then LIFTS HIM OFF THE GROUND.
MONTY (CONT’D)
(in a daze)
...ch-ch-ch-cheeeeese...
CHIP
Monty! You’re six feet in the air
and getting higher!
Chip grabs the cheese from the kitchen and tosses it out the
window. Monty falls to the ground, out of his daze.
MONTY
(crying)
I’m sorry, Chipper. I’m so ashamed.
CHIP
It’s OK Monty. We’ll get you help.
MONTY
It’s not just that Chip. I also owe
a ton of money to the Valley Gang
and I don’t know what to do.
CHIP
The Valley Gang?! Monty, those guys
are bad. I’ve seen a lot of
cartoons get in deep with them and
never come out.
MONTY
If I can’t pay up, they’re gonna
bootleg me. Heard they did it to
that little guy Flounder when he
fell behind on payments for krill
pills.
Monty picks up a stack of bootlegged DVDs for different
editions of Little Mermaid knockoffs, each starring Flounder.
 17.

MONTY (CONT’D)
They changed him around just enough
to skirt by copyright laws, then
smuggled him overseas to a black
market studio where he’ll spend the
rest of his life being forced to
churn out terrible bootleg movies.
CHIP
I won’t let that happen. You were
always such a good friend to me.
Never let me down. I really missed
you, ya big galoot.
MONTY
I missed you too, Chipper.
They share a moment. But just then, there’s a BANG on the
door. Startled, Monty and Chip hide behind the couch.
MONTY (CONT’D)
AHHH! It’s them! They’re here!
DALE (O.S.)
Hello?
CHIP
(realizing)
Is that...
Monty opens the door to find Dale, checking his step-tracker.
DALE
That’s nineteen steps to get up to
your apartment. You do a couple of
those a day and you’re in good sh--
MONTY
Quick, get in.
Monty ushers Dale in. Dale finally looks up to see Chip.
There’s a lot of tension. Neither knows what to say.
DALE
Chip...
CHIP
Dale...
DALE
So what’s been up... the last
twenty years?
CHIP
You know. This. That. Other vague
things to fill the space of this
conversation.
 18.

DALE
Well you look... uncombed.
CHIP
And you look desperate with that
ridiculous CGI surgery you had
done. I can barely recognize you.
DALE
(defensive)
It’s no secret I’ve had work done.
And it’s done wonders rejuvenating
my career. I’m actually the
headliner in a stage revue that
opens tonight.
CHIP
(to Monty)
What is he doing here?
MONTY
I called him for help also...
CHIP
Oh, were you looking for someone to
stab you in the back? Cause Dale is
your man.
DALE
Chip, I’ve told you before. Many
times. I’m sorry. I made a huge
mistake taking Double-O-Dale behind
your back. Everyone else has
accepted my apology, why can’t you?
CHIP
You’re only sorry because Double-O-
Dale was a flop. You put a price on
our friendship. And it didn’t pay
out. If the price was right, you’d
sell us out again.
DALE
Hey, I don’t just look out for
myself. For instance, this Rescue
Rangers reboot that everyone’s been
buzzing about is for all of us!
Someone even started a Facebook fan
page. I hear Johnny Galecki is
interested.
MONTY
Crikey! Johnny Galecki! Talk about
a career with a second act.
 19.

CHIP
He’s full of it, Monty. No one’s
talking about a Rescue Rangers
reboot except for him. There’s
nothing left to reboot. We weren’t
even the most popular show on the
Disney afternoon. We were like 3rd
OUT OF 4.
(to Dale)
Look at you, wearing that filthy
old shirt, hoping to get
recognized. Uch, you’re the same
guy you always were, Dale.
(then to Monty)
Monty, I’m all for helping you, but
I can’t be around this guy. You
know how to reach me if you wanna
talk.
Chip storms out, SLAMMING THE DOOR.

EXT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - CONTINUOUS

Chip begins walking away, furious...

EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - NIGHT

Chip walks down the lonely streets of Los Angeles, braced
against the wind, muttering to himself.
CHIP
Come over to try and help Monty,
and Dale ambushes me with talking
about a reboot. It’s revolting how
he thinks he can squeeze a dollar
out of essentially nothing.
He looks up and sees a billboard for an animated movie
starring a shrimp. The tagline reads, “If you loved the
restaurant based on the movie, you’ll love the movie based on
the restaurant... BUBBA GUMP’S SHRIMP FACTORY.”
CHIP (CONT’D)
I’ve been perfectly fine without
them. That’s why it’s better to
just not have friends.

INT. THEATER - DRESSING ROOM

Dale in front of a mirror puts on some makeup and a white lab
coat/doctor’s costume. He seems lonely. Behind him, another
ACTOR in a doctor’s costume passes by.
 20.

DALE
Hey Mark -- you guys wanna come
over to my place after the show
tonight? I’ll buy everyone cheesy
crust pizza.
MARK
Uhhh, I think I’m gonna be busy...
Mark walks off toward the other actors. In the background
Dale can hear them start to snicker at him.
MARK (CONT’D)
...Ew, I think the ironic guest
performer wants to be friends. He
just asked me to a pizza party.
Dale sinks.

INT. BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP COMPANY

Chip sits alone in a booth drinking a coffee. He watches two
friends sitting nearby, laughing and eating shrimp. Clearly
he wishes that were him. But he catches himself.
CHIP
(to himself)
Whatever. Nice to have all this
elbow room to myself.
Just then one of the friends starts choking. The other friend
gives him the Heimlich as the shrimp pops out of his mouth.
Friendship saved this guy’s life!
CHIP (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Whatever. Stiff chair back is just
as effective.
The WAITRESS, annoyed, approaches him.
WAITRESS
You can’t just keep having the free
refills of coffee. You need to order
something. We have pineapple shrimp,
lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp--
Just then Chip’s cell phone RINGS. Chip looks at it
quizzically, then picks it up.
CHIP
Hello? Who’s this?
INTERCUT WITH:
 21.

EXT. CHIPPENDALE’S NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Dale stands outside of the Chippendale’s night club, wearing
the signature bow tie, a doctor’s lab coat, and no shirt. The
marquee for the club reads: “Special Guest dancer Tonight,
Dale (From Chip N’ Dale Rescue Rangers).”
DALE
It’s Dale, don’t hang up.
(then)
I just got a call from the police.
Monty’s been kidnapped. They’re at
his place now.
CHIP
(in shock)
What? Are you serious?
DALE
The cops are asking for a statement
from us. I’m gonna head over to
Monty’s. I’ll meet you there?
Chip struggles with what to do, as the waitress continues.
WAITRESS
...Shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp
and potatoes...

EXT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - LATER

Dale sits on Monty’s stoop, as Chip walks up.
DALE
Chip, you actually came. Thank you.
CHIP
I came for Monty.
They head inside.

INT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - LATER

Chip and Dale enter to find the place ransacked. There’s been
a bad tussle. Cops fill the place (both human and cartoon),
searching for clues.
DALE
Whoa. Be careful where you step,
you don’t wanna -- OWWWWW!
Dale steps on a knocked over potted cactus.
 22.

ANGLE ON: SGT. PUTTY, a no-nonsense, Gumby-esque, STOP-MOTION

CLAYMATION detective, finishes dusting for fingerprints -- by
delicately laying his clay hand on a surface and then pulling
off a perfect replica of the print on his arm. He slices off
a sliver of his clay hand and gives it to two underling cops:
a MARIO BROS. STYLE MUSHROOM HEADED MAN and a HEAVYSET HUMAN
(OFFICER TOAD and OFFICER MORELLI).
SGT. PUTTY
(to an underling)
Take this to the lab.
(noticing Chip and Dale)
You the friends of the victim? What
you got for me? Any known enemies
or threats?
CHIP
He told us he was in debt to the
Valley Gang. I feel terrible. I
should’ve done something, but...
SGT. PUTTY
That checks out. We found a note in
the kitchen about Valley Gang
debts.
DALE
He was afraid of being bootlegged
since he was somewhat of a star in
the early nineties.
Sgt. Putty has no idea what he’s talking about.
DALE (CONT’D)
He was on the Rescue Rangers...
(no response)
We were on the show together...
(no response)
Chip and Dale, Rescue Rangers.
(no response, sings)
When there’s danger--
SGT. PUTTY
Never heard of it. Well, it eats me
up inside to have to tell you this,
but if he’s been taken by the
Valley Gang to be bootlegged, I
doubt we can help you. We’ve been
trying for years to track these
sleaze-bags, but we got nothing.
Their organization is impenetrable,
always one step ahead of us.
CHIP
Wow. That’s it? I thought the cops
were supposed “serve and protect,”
not “give up and move on.”
 23.

SGT. PUTTY
Hey! I’d give anything to be able
to make a case against those scum.
They’re getting rich, while we look
like fools.
Just then a young, human female cop, ELLIE STAKOWSKI (think
Ellie Kemper) approaches. She’s eager, excitable, wide-eyed,
and clearly the youngest person on the force.
ELLIE
Sir, we’re all done in here.
SGT. PUTTY
Good. Also, Officer Stakowski, do I
have anything on my back?
He turns around to reveal all sorts of things have stuck to
him accidentally.
ELLIE
Yes sir, looks like the Monopoly
game piece shaped like an iron.
SGT. PUTTY
Just want ONE DAY where my shirt
stays clean.
(shouting to everyone)
Let’s pack it up, boys!
He EXITS, as the other cops start packing up, too. Ellie
leans in to talk to Chip and Dale privately.
ELLIE
(whispered)
Hey, Ellie Stakowski... I’m a huge
fan. I actually became a cop
because as a little girl growing up
in Albany I wanted to be just like
you guys.
CHIP
That was a TV show. Not real.
DALE
Chip! Inspiration is inspiration.
And we’re honored. Do you want a
selfie or want me to sign
something?
ELLIE
I shouldn’t on the job, but I just
want you to know I heard what Sgt.
Putty said to you and I don’t think
it’s hopeless. From everything the
cops know about the Valley Gang,
Monty is being held in their secret
bootlegging facility.
(MORE)
 24.

ELLIE (CONT'D)
The whole process takes two days
max. The problem is no one knows
where the bootlegging facility is.
If you can find it, I’ll bet you
find your friend.
CHIP
Why are you helping us?
ELLIE
(in the cadence of the
theme song)
Hey, sometimes, some crimes, go
slipping through the cracks. But
this gumshoe is picking up the
slack.
DALE
(delighted, a little
smitten)
Nice! Like the song. You’re funny.
(then, to Chip)
She’s funny. You see, Chip, she’s
not letting the case slip through
the cracks--
CHIP
I got it, Dale.
ELLIE
If there’s anything I can do to
help, off the record, I will.
She EXITS with the other cops. Dale looks to Chip expectantly.
CHIP
What’s that look?
DALE
You heard her. We should go find
Monty ourselves.
CHIP
What? Are you kidding?
DALE
No! Who better to rescue Monty?
CHIP
Uhhh, literally anyone.
DALE
Cause from where I’m standing
there’s only one crime fighting
team that can solve this case!
 25.

CHIP
No. Don’t be an idiot. I want to
find Monty but we’re not detectives.
DALE
Look, I know we’re not close
anymore, but this is about Monty.
Monty always loved you, and we’re
all he has. We can’t just let him
rot in some overseas studio the rest
of his life.
CHIP
Fine, I’ll take you downtown. I
think know a couple people I could
ask about where Monty might be.
We’ll see what we can find out and
pass it along to that officer lady.
But that’s all I’m gonna do.
DALE
So you’re saying the Rescue Rangers
are back!
CHIP
I didn’t say any of those words.
And there is no such thing as
Rescue Rangers. Case closed.
DALE
Case!?
CHIP
Didn’t mean case! Not a case,
because we’re not real detectives.
DALE
Buuuuut you did say case.

INT. DALE’S CAR - DAY

Dale drives his beat-up 1991 Mercedes Benz convertible,
retrofitted to fit him.
DALE
You were sensing a vibe between me
and that officer lady also, right?
CHIP
Nope. Not at all.
(then)
I can’t believe you still have this
car.
DALE
Why wouldn’t I? She still runs like
a dream.
 26.

WIDEN TO REVEAL the car is barely chugging along, spewing

gray smoke.
DALE (CONT’D)
Little work done on her, and she’ll
be back to her glory days.
CHIP
You realize this awful car is just
a very on-the-nose metaphor for
yourself, right?
DALE
Chip, can we at least try to be
pleasant to one another? If we’re
gonna solve the case of “The Missing
Monty” -- that’s just a place holder
name, open to any ideas -- we’re
gonna have to work together.
CHIP
We’re not working--
Just then Dale’s cell phone RINGS.
DALE
Just a second, Chip, gotta pick
this up. Might be my agent, Dave
Bugliari.
(into phone, hopefully)
Dale here...
(deflated)
No, I would not like to add Starz
to my cable package for an extra
$5.99 a month.
Dale hangs up the phone.
CHIP
How’s your agent? Got something big
lined up?
They’ve entered in a shady part of downtown. The walls are
plastered over with torn and fading movie posters for “WAZE
The Movie: Traffic’s Never Been This Fun!”
CHIP (CONT’D)
Park. We’re close.
(not looking at Dale)
And leave the top hat and cane in
the car.
REVEAL Dale is taking a costume hat and cane with him.
DALE
How’d you know I was...
 27.

CHIP
Cause you’re you.
DALE
Look, if we’re gonna act our way
into the confidence of some ne’er-
do-wells, we need to look the part
of someone they would respect. So,
much like the plot of episode 411,
“The Great CAT-sby,” I’ll dress up
as an important business magnet--
CHIP
You mean “magnate?”
DALE
I think I know my own character,
Chip. And he wears a top hat.
Chip and Dale look around this shady part of downtown. They
cross a track bearing a sign that reads “Wrong Side.”
DALE (CONT’D)
I’ve heard this place is pretty
shady. You think Monty is being
held here?
CHIP
No. I think he was here. The cheese
guy Monty got his cheese from and
owed money to is here...
Chip leads them around the corner to...

EXT. MAIN STREET

AN IDYLLIC, CLASSIC-LOOKING MAIN STREET STRAIGHT OUT OF THE
DISNEY THEME PARK.
CHIP
(ominously)
...on Main Street.
This place looks delightful -- probably the exact little town
set from The Muppets’ “Life’s a Happy Song.” Shopkeepers of
all stripes; bread bakers, fishmongers, flower girls, etc.
poke their heads out SINGING about their products and their
wonderful town. Cartoons and puppets alike. They walk in.
DALE
Oh. Wow. It seems kinda nice. It’s
not what I pictured.
 28.

CHIP
It’s worse. It’s a bunch of
cartoons trading on their wholesome
public image to keep the cops away
and bring you the slimiest
backwater bazaar of contraband this
side of Guadalajara. Nothing, and I
mean nothing, is sacred in this
part of town.
BREAD BAKER
(singing)
Bread for sale, bread for sale/
everybody loves bread for sale!
CHIP
He sells untraceable weapons.
SHOESHINER
(singing)
A shiny shoe makes the man/ a shiny
shoe, now there’s a plan!
CHIP
Stolen social security numbers.
FLOWER GIRL
(singing)
Roses are a way to make a girl feel
pretty/ You’ll get her to kiss you
anywhere in the city!
CHIP
Dog fights.
A Muppet-style puppet cheesemonger, BJORNSON, sticks his head
out of the window of BJORNSON’S Cheese Shop.
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
(singing)
It’s sticky & chewy & licky &
gooey/ I’ve got cheese for me-ey &
you-ey!
CHIP
(to Dale)
I think this is our guy. Just play
it cool, let me do the talking and
be careful.
(to cheesemonger)
Hey, Mr. Bjornson, do you have
cheese for sale?
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
(jovial)
Of course I have cheese, little
fellas! This is a cheese shop, isn’t
it? We’ve got muenster, gouda, brie-
 29.

CHIP
(knowing)
Do you have any... stinky cheese?
The cheesemonger’s face turns dark.
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
(serious)
You cops?
CHIP
Nah. We just wanna know if we can
buy some stinky cheese. The
stinkier the better.
The door to the shop opens and the cheesemonger ushers them
in, making sure the coast is clear.
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
Come on. Come on. Get in.

INT. BJORNSON’S CHEESE SHOP - CONTINUOUS

Once inside, we see that we are not in the kind of cheese
shop we thought from the outside window.
The room is filled with CARTOON MICE AND RATS. They float in
the air, following the smell lines of stinky cheeses, which
sit on tables and shelves of various heights.
The smell lines from one piece of cheese fill SPEEDY
GONZALES’ nose as he floats up toward it.
SPEEDY
Andale, andale, arribaaaaaaahhh...
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
So, you want stinky cheese? I got
smell lines that will take you
through the ceiling.
CHIP
Actually, the truth is, we aren’t
here for cheese. We’re interested
in bootlegging.
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
(tensing up)
I don’t know what you’re talking
about. Either buy some cheese or
get out.
Dale shifts his demeanor. He gets into “acting” mode,
propping up his top hat on his head.
 30.

DALE
(aristocrat voice)
Perhaps we should. With the
disrespectful tone this felted
clodhopper takes, I shan’t be doing
business here.
CHIP
(sotto to Dale)
What’re you doing?
DALE
I’m an important business magnet! I
shall have no trouble attracting
other suitors for my gigantic deal.
Because that’s what magnets do.
They attract. Business.
Dale gives a cocky side look to Chip: “nailed it.”
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
What do you mean?
CHIP
(figuring it out)
What I think my partner is trying to
say is we have personal
relationships with many down-on-
their-luck cartoon celebrities from
yesteryear, and we think they’d be
worth lots of money to a bootlegger.
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
Oh, yeah? And how do you know all
of these old cartoon actors?
Dale takes off his top hat: “Ta-da!”
DALE
Because we’re actors! Ah, ha! It’s
been me, Dale, this whole time!
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
Uhhh, who?
DALE
We had one of the biggest kids show
on TV in the nineties...
BJORNSON THE PIEMAKER
Definitely never heard of it...
(then, interested)
A deal this big, I gotta run up the
ladder to my boss.
CHIP
Great. So if you’ll just give us
the address, we’ll meet you there.
 31.

Off the Cheesemonger’s incredulous look...

INT. FOOD DELIVERY TRUCK - LATER

Chip and Dale are blindfolded, sitting in a windowless,
refrigerated back of a food truck amidst assorted cheeses.
CHIP
I can’t believe this. My life was
perfectly fine before you dragged
me into this mess.
DALE
I had to improvise. Sometimes great
actors must do that. And you picked it
up and ran with it. Classic “Yes And.”
CHIP
This isn’t a scene! We’re
blindfolded on our way to see “the
boss!” What do you think is gonna
happen to us when he figures out
we’re full of it? And what is your
plan exactly? Just ask him to tell
us where he keeps the cartoons he
plans to bootleg?
DALE
Yeah, that’s pretty much the plan,
but replace the word “ask” with
“act!”
CHIP
(that doesn’t make sense)
“Act” him to tell us where he keeps
the cartoons he plans to bootleg?
DALE CHIP (CONT'D)
Oh, you knew what I meant -- it How are we gonna pull this off
was a dramatic flourish. when you don’t even know how
verbs work?
They begin SQUABBLING IN THAT FAST OVER-TALKY WAY THAT THEY’RE
FAMOUS FOR AS CARTOON CHARACTERS. It’s nearly unintelligible.
DALE
HEY, HOLD ON A SECOND!
Chip pauses for him.
DALE (CONT’D)
How adorable are we?! Chemistry
like this doesn’t just happen. This
has reboot written all over it.
 32.

CHIP
Uch, I should be home finishing my
row boat puzzle right now.
DALE
Look, we don’t have many options.
Ellie said the Valley Gang bootlegs
fast, two days max. That means
they’re probably bootlegging Monty
somewhere, as we speak. And “the
boss” knows where he is.
Chip considers this. As the car stops:
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER (O.S.)
We’re here.
CHIP
Fine. For Monty, I’ll go with your
certain-to-fail plan.
The Cheesemonger OPENS the back door to let them out.

EXT. INDUSTRIAL PARK - CONTINUOUS

They get out of the car. The Cheesemonger un-blindfolds them,
and they look around, immediately confused.
DALE
Where are we?
CHIP
I think we’re in the Valley. The
Uncanny Valley.
We’re in a sparse part of town. Some people walk by, but they
don’t exactly look or move like real people. The textures are
all too smooth and one-dimensional. We realize they’re
animated CGI cartoon people. Even the trees, cars, buildings,
and a stray cat are animated in an uncomfortable semi-realism.
CHIP (CONT’D)
(sotto to Dale)
Remember that weird animation style
of the early 2000s where everything
looked “real” but nothing looked
quite right?
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
Come on, this way...
The Cheesemonger leads them toward a huge warehouse. He
knocks on a metal gate. It lifts up to reveal a tough looking
CGI WARRIOR DWARF named BOB (also in a dated CGI animation
style, think Seth Rogen, but slightly animated to be shorter
and hairier), with a long red beard, wearing a metal helmet.
 33.

BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF

Who are you?
Chip and Dale don’t respond.
DALE
(sotto to Chip)
Is he talking to us?
We see, as is the style of old CGI cartoons, that HIS EYES
ARE FLOATY AND DON’T REALLY LAND ON ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR.
CHIP
(sotto to Dale)
I can’t tell.
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
I said, who are you?!
CHIP
I’m sorry, are you talking to us?
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
Who else would I be talking to?
DALE
Honestly, your eyes are looking
nowhere near us.
CHIP
(agreeing)
It looked like you were talking to
that branch.
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
(very sensitive)
Are you saying my eyes look weird?!
Is that what you’re saying?! That
I’m a “weirdo eyes?”
CHIP
We definitely never used the term
“weirdo eyes,” so that feels like
projecting.
BJORNSON THE CHEESEMONGER
(trying to move on)
We’ve got some business for Mean
Dean. He’s expecting them.
CHIP
Oh. His name is “Mean Dean.” Sounds
like a reasonable guy. Likes
rhyming.
This satisfies the Warrior Dwarf enough. He begins patting
Chip and Dale down to look for weapons. All clear.
 34.

BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF

(to someone inside)
OPEN IT UP!
The large gate retracts, REVEALING THE ENTIRETY OF THE
WAREHOUSE...

INT. VALLEY GANG WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The Warrior Dwarf guides them in. Several more awkwardly
animated CGI goons, like a CGI Polar Bear, look on
menacingly, their body movements feeling jagged and
unnatural. The Warrior Dwarf escorts them onto the platform
of a SCISSOR LIFT and begins slowly driving them through the
factory, through what we now see to be rows upon rows of
stacked giant boxes.
CHIP
So is this the bootlegging facility?
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
No way. Almost no one knows where
Mean Dean has that place hidden.
Chip and Dale clock this.
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF (CONT’D)
This is Mean Dean’s legit business.
It’s a warehouse for old
merchandise that never got sold.
The Warrior Dwarf slowly maneuvers the lift so they just
avoid hitting objects, as they turn the corner of an aisle to
start seeing the open boxes and what’s inside. The boxes are
filled with massive amounts branded t-shirts, toys, tchotkes,
etc: five hundred Stitch dolls, one thousand Zach & Cody
backpacks, five thousand Hannah Montana curling irons.
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF (CONT’D)
A show gets canceled, but they’ve
already made a thousand The
Brothers Flub shoe horns. Well,
somebody has got to take care of
that trash.
Dale passes a box filled with toys from the failed The
Emperor’s New Groove TV spin-off. Dale gets face-to-face with
the Bucky the squirrel toy, which very clearly resembles him.
DALE
I mean, I’m sure some kid would
like a toy. It’s not necessarily
all garbage.
As they continue forward a HORRIBLE RHYTHMIC MECHANICAL CLANG
starts to become audible.
 35.

BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF

You’re right, they’re not all
garbage.
They turn the corner to REVEAL... A FACTORY for disassembling
the toys and merchandise.
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF (CONT’D)
Mean Dean buys up all this junk for
pennies on the dollar, then strips
the useful parts.
The lift travels through the crevasses of the conveyor belt,
as they watch one of the squirrel toys enter. A machine grabs
it and violently plucks off its arms, legs, and head. More
robot hands separate the metal springs and screws into a
tray. The glass eyes are ripped out and smashed, and the
remaining plastic body parts are melted into a scorching
furnace. Dale looks on, mortified.
The melted plastic drains into a mold, and finally out of the
other side comes... a PORT-O-POTTY with a logo for “MEAN
DEAN’S LATRINE.”
DALE
(mortified)
At least some construction worker
somewhere will get to enjoy it...
CHIP
You gotta appreciate that irony.
They arrive at an ominous office door.
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
We’re here.
The lift lowers to door height and the Warrior Dwarf knocks.
Chip and Dale look terrified, as it feels like the clang of
the factory is getting more and more intense... A BOOMING,
SCARY VOICE shouts from the other side.
MEAN DEAN (O.S.)
COME IN! NOW!
CHIP
(whispering to Dale)
Still think this was a good idea?
DALE
Uhhhh---
The Warrior Dwarf pushes them inside, against their will...
 36.

INT. MEAN DEAN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

The door slams shut behind them. Chip and Dale are horrified
as Mean Dean’s giant chair slowly, menacingly turns toward
them until they can finally see him, and he’s...
SANTA CLAUS. Not literally Santa Claus, but his rosy red
cheeks, flowing white beard and shiny nose are all dead
ringers for Santa Claus. He smiles a big Santa smile at them,
as he eats some macadamia nuts from a bowl on his desk. Even
though HE’S A CGI CARTOON in the uncanny valley of animation,
he’s not intimidating at all (think John Goodman, just
slightly animated). The guys are relieved.
DALE
Oh, thank god.
CHIP
Yeah, you are not who I was
expecting.
MEAN DEAN
You mind if I walk while we talk?
I’m trying to get my steps in.
Mean Dean rises and indicates the Step-tracker clipped to his
belt, then begins pacing.
DALE
Oh, I’ve got one of those! Wanna
link accounts and motivate each
other?
MEAN DEAN
(moving on)
So, you got business for me?
DALE
Yeah, we’ve got the inside track on
every old toon desperate for a
dollar. Launchpad McQuack, The
Tramp, like twenty-seven of the 101
Dalmations.
CHIP
That’s right. You name ‘em, we can
get you ‘em.
MEAN DEAN
You wouldn’t feel bad about selling
out your friends? Your fellow
actors?
CHIP
(looking at Dale)
Actors sell each other out all the
time for a buck. Everything has a
price.
 37.

This stings Dale a little. Mean Dean smiles at this.

MEAN DEAN
Exactly. Sequel, prequel, expanded
universe. Repackage it, remake it,
re-imagine it, reboot it. Nothing’s
sacred.
CHIP
That’s been my experience.
MEAN DEAN
I used to be an actor myself...
As Mean Dean continues, we FLASHBACK TO...

INT. SHOPPING MALL - FLASHBACK

An ADORABLE, INNOCENT 2D SANTA CLAUS (Dean, pre-Mean) stands
in front a Toyota Giveaway in a mall, handing out flyers.
MEAN DEAN (V.O.)
Mostly seasonal stuff for shopping
malls, just struggling to get by.
And then I get my big break.
An AGENT DISCOVERS HIM, putting his arm around Dean.

INT. STUDIO BOARDROOM - FLASHBACK

ANG LEE unveils a movie poster to Dean and a room of
EXECUTIVES.
MEAN DEAN (V.O.)
Ang Lee’s directing a CGI Christmas
epic about Santa’s origin story.
Called “Nick.” Gonna be real
classy. They tell me I’m gonna be a
big star.
He unveils a dark, brooding teaser poster for Nick, some
overwrought Hollywood prequel.
Dean looks so excited, when an EXECUTIVE puts his arm around
Dean and begins to lay it out for him...
MEAN DEAN (V.O.)
But first, they say I need to look
a little more updated, modern,
cool. I trusted them. Which was my
first mistake.
 38.

INT. OPERATING ROOM - FLASHBACK

Dean nervously breathes in the anesthesia, as an animation
operating team closes in on him.
MEAN DEAN (V.O.)
So I go under the digital knife,
get this new computer-generated
look everyone’s raving about.

INT. OPERATING ROOM - LATER - FLASHBACK

The doctors remove the bandages from his face, to reveal Mean
Dean as we know him now: an awkward CGI animation.
MEAN DEAN (V.O.)
But when the surgery is done, they
say they don’t like how I look
anymore. Say I make everyone
“uncomfortable.”
Everyone in the room’s faces scrunch uncomfortably.

EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS - FLASHBACK

Mean Dean, clearly down on his luck, walks past a movie
theater marquee for the movie Nick.
MEAN DEAN (V.O.)
They drop me from the movie, retool
the story, replace me with a
talking seal, voiced by Seal. And
suddenly, those people who said
they were my friends, they didn’t
care about me anymore. I could
never get work again as an actor.
Mean Dean looks at the poster of the movie, and turns dark.
MEAN DEAN (V.O.)
But it taught me the most important
thing I’d ever learn: the only
thing anyone in this town really
cares about is how much they can
squeeze out of you.
CUT TO:

INT. MEAN DEAN’S OFFICE - BACK TO PRESENT

Chip and Dale look on, horrified.
 39.

MEAN DEAN
Which brings me back to you two.
What do you want in exchange for
all this “access” to old famous
cartoons?
DALE
We want a finder’s fee on everyone
we bring in. And a percentage on
their sale.
MEAN DEAN
5k on my approval. Fifteen percent
minus shipping costs. We got a
deal?
DALE
There’s one more thing...
Dale looks at Chip and chip NODS back. He knows what Dale is
doing. This is their chance.
CHIP
We want to have a look at your
bootlegging facility...
There’s tense SILENCE.
Then, Mean Dean breaks into a big, sweet, Santa-like LAUGH.
MEAN DEAN
HO HO HO! HO HO HO!
Chip and Dale try are relieved and begin LAUGHING too.
CHIP DALE
Ha! Hahaha. This is nice! Everyone’s happy! Hahaha!
MEAN DEAN
(in a rage)
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT? I HO HO
HO when I’m angry. It’s an
uncontrollable reflex I have from
my botched CGI surgery.
CHIP
So the more you laugh, the angrier
you are? That must be very
complicated for social situations.
MEAN DEAN
Did you think you were just going
to come in here and ask me to tell
you where my secret bootlegging
facility is?
Chip shoots Dale an “I told you so” look.
 40.

MEAN DEAN (CONT’D)

You know how long the cops have
been trying to find that place?
(then, covering)
Not that I’m saying it even exists.
(calling off)
HEY! JIMMY! Flush these two.
A giant CGI POLAR BEAR, JIMMY, enters -- he also has those
hard-to-read CGI eyes.
JIMMY THE POLAR BEAR
You! Come with me.
DALE
(off to the side)
I can’t tell. Do you think he means
us?
CHIP
I think he means us.
Jimmy grabs Chip and Dale by the scruff of their necks and
EXITS into Mean Dean’s bathroom, where we hear a FLUSH.

INT. DRAIN PIPE - MOMENTS LATER

Chip and Dale shoot down the grimy waste pipe.
CHIP DALE
AAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
Shards of glass and dangerous debris litter the water, as
they have to duck and shift around it to not be skewered.
Just then, Dale’s PHONE RINGS. He has to scream to be heard.
DALE (CONT’D)
I SHOULD GET THIS! IT MIGHT BE MY
AGENT DAVE BUGLIARI!
CHIP
You’ve gotta be kidding me!
Dale picks up the phone.
DALE
(into phone)
DALE HERE! WHAT?! NO, I’M NOT
INTERESTED IN UPGRADING MY CABLE
PACKAGE TO INCLUDE A LAND LINE!
Chip sees they’re approaching something in the distance at
the end of the pipe.
CHIP
Oh no...
 41.

We make it out now; it’s a build up at the base of the sewer

grate. A DAM OF GLASS SHARDS. And they’re heading right for it.
DALE
(to phone)
I HAVE TO GO NOW I’M ABOUT TO BE
SLICED IN HALF!
Chip looks around, and gets an idea. He grabs the discarded
remnants of a Mister Fantastic toy floating by him.
CHIP
Dale, grab on to Mister Fantastic’s
butt-slash-arm-and-mouth!
Dale does, and Chip takes the arm of the stretchy toy and
tosses it like a lasso onto an opening in the sewer grate,
above the glass dam. It wraps around a bar!
CHIP (CONT’D)
Now JUMP!
They KICK OFF THE WALL, and the tension of the toy shoots
them upwards! They FIRE THEMSELVES OVER THE GLASS DAM, JUST
BARELY MAKING IT THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE GRATE.

EXT. LA RIVER - MOMENTS LATER

We start on an EMPTYING DRAIN PIPE feeding into the paved-
over LA River. Above it on the highway we see a movie
billboard for “STAR WARS TOYS: THE PHANTOM MERCHANDISE” a
movie about the merchandise of Star Wars coming to life.
Chip and Dale SCREAM as they shoot out of the pipe and into
the disgusting river.
When Dale pops up from the water, WE SEE HE IS ACTUALLY BALD.
DALE
CHIP! That was amazing! You saved
us!
Chip notices Dale’s floating TOUPEE nearby. He picks it up.
CHIP
Uhhh, I think you lost this?
Dale’s eyes go wide in horror as he touches his head.
DALE
Ahhh!
He grabs the toupee and puts it back on.
DALE (CONT’D)
Please don’t--
 42.

CHIP
(holding back laughter)
I won’t tell anyone. It’s a good
piece. Is that what they did with
your aunt when she passed?
DALE
Very funny.
(then)
Well, that got us like no
information other than the fact
that Mean Dean wears the same
stupid Step-tracker I do.
Chip perks up at Dale’s comment.
CHIP
Uhhh, Dale, do those Step-trackers
keep track of everywhere you go?
DALE
Yeah. I know because I like to map
my runs in the shape of a butt.
CHIP
(realizing)
We need to talk to Ellie!
DALE
Please don’t tell her about the butt
thing? Or the bald thing?

INT. CHIP’S APARTMENT - LATER

Dale is poking around Chip’s apartment while Chip and Ellie
talk. Chip holds Dale’s Step-tracker.
ELLIE
(realizing)
...If the cops could get a hold of
Mean Dean’s Step-tracker, we could
cross reference where he’s been
with where we know he goes.
Whatever doesn’t overlap has gotta
be the bootlegging facility!
CHIP
And that’s how we find Monty!
(then)
Dale, could you please not touch
the puzzle. Or the hot pot.
DALE
(backing away)
Sorry.
(MORE)
 43.

DALE (CONT'D)
It’s just interesting to see where
you’ve been living the last 20
years. It’s very “Old Hollywood.”
Very old.
ELLIE
(moving on)
So, when do you guys think you’re
gonna be able to steal Mean Dean’s
Step-tracker?
CHIP
What? We got you the info you
needed, now it’s your job -- the
professional -- to actually, you
know, get the bad guy and save our
friend Monty!
Dale starts to poke around the dresser. Chip notices the
drawer with his money and pog is ajar and rushes between Dale
and the dresser.
CHIP (CONT’D)
Dale, could you just not touch
anything in here? I have things
just the way I like them.
DALE
You got a real Howard Hughes vibe
going.
ELLIE
Look, I’m a cop. We need warrants,
we need probable cause, we need a
case that’ll stick in court.
CHIP
So what are you saying? You want us
to do it?
DALE
We’re in! Right Chip?!
Chip looks in the drawer and catches a glimpse of the POG
WITH DALE AND HIS FACE ON IT. It flickers emotion in him.
CHIP
Ok. We’re in.
DALE
Yes!
Dale bangs his fist on the table in celebration, accidentally
knocking the puzzle onto the ground in hundreds of pieces.
Chip stifles a growl.
 44.

INT. DALE’S HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY

A garage door opens.
DALE
Behold, the crime lab.
Dale turns the lights on to REVEAL a room filled with Rescue
Rangers memorabilia. There are costumes, props, fake weapons,
pictures, awards, magazines, a huge map of the US divided by
national television markets, etc...
ELLIE
Whoa! I wish my twelve year old
self could see this!
DALE
Pretty sweet right? All the
disguises and gadgets we could ever
need.
Ellie bounds off to look at all the cool memorabilia.
CHIP
This isn’t so much a “crime lab” as
it is a stalker-level shrine to
yourself in the garage of your
dilapidated old mansion. What is
this huge map with a bunch of pins
in it? Oh no, are those pins where
the victims are buried?
DALE
What? No! This map shows Rescue
Rangers ratings in every major US
Market in 1991, which you’ll recall
was our most successful year.
Chip gives him a blank unimpressed look.
DALE (CONT’D)
Oh, come on! None of this stuff
means anything to you? Like this...
Our limited edition Nut & Honey
Cereal. “Nut’n Honey... and
Acorns.” And these are the leftover
fireworks from the first time we
were invited to the Disney Parade!
Ooooh, and this is the limited
edition Rescue Rangers pog set. You
know this turned into a real
collectable... because someone
noticed one of the clouds behind
Monterey Jack was clearly in the
shape of a huge-
 45.

CHIP
(cutting him off)
Yup! I remember.
Chip, of course, recognizes the pog set framed on the wall.
There’s a pog of each Rescue Rangers character... except for
Chip and Dale.
DALE
But I only have eleven of the
twelve. I’m missing the one of the
two of us.
Clearly the pog means something to him, but he pushes through.
CHIP
I don’t see what the big deal is.
This is all just meaningless junk.
Ellie pops her head in from around a stack of boxes, holding
one of Dale’s signature Hawaiian shirts.
ELLIE
IS THIS ORIGINAL MERCH?! CAN I HAVE
ONE?!
DALE
(to Chip)
“Meaningless junk” huh?
(then)
Totes, whatever you want Ellie. But
careful with the lawn darts, lots
of eye injuries caused by those
puppies.
CHIP
Look, I’m only here to help find
Monty. Let’s just focus on that.
ELLIE
Ok, so Mean Dean goes to the
Russian bathhouse every Wednesday.
How do we sneak you guys into the
bath house to steal Mean Dean’s
Step-tracker without being
recognized by all those goons that
have already seen you?
Dale thinks for a moment.
DALE
I got it! What if we did episode
#308?!
ELLIE
Oh yeah that’s a good idea!
 46.

CHIP
No idea what you’re referring to.
Dale holds up a fake rat’s nose and shows Chip.
DALE
Nothing? Episode #308: “Rats What
I’m Talking About.”
CHIP
(remembering)
Ooohhh...
(then)
Nope, still no idea. And do you
have any original ideas, or are you
just constantly recycling old
scripts?
DALE
What? It was a great episode...
INTENSE HEIST MUSIC kicks in as Dale narrates the next scene
in V.O....

EXT. LITTLE ARMENIA STREETS - DAY

Ellie (now wearing the Hawaiian shirt), Chip and Dale sit in
Ellie’s surveillance van, watching a Little Armenia street.
Old Eastern European humans and cartoons go about their
business (animated in the drably colored, fewer frames-per-
second style of cheap, old Eastern European cartoons). The
side of a building is plastered with foreign language posters
for “Batman Vs. E.T.”
DALE (V.O.)
In the episode we...
An Escalade pulls up to the Russian bathhouse. The door opens
and out comes Bob The Warrior Dwarf, Jimmy The Polar Bear,
and several other frightening CGI henchmen, including an
enormous CGI ANACONDA, and finally, Mean Dean himself.

EXT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Chip and Dale walk down the street in their DISGUISES
(cleaning company jumpsuits), holding cleaning supplies and
wearing PROSTHETIC POINTY RAT NOSES and FAKE LONG RAT TAILS.
DALE (V.O.)
... Infiltrated Fat Cat’s night
club, dressed as New York City
sewer rats.
CHIP (V.O.)
Just don’t do the bad New York
accent.
 47.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - ENTRYWAY - MOMENTS LATER

They walk up to the old clerk at the front desk.
DALE
(bad New York accent)
YO! We heeeeyah ta clean da pipes.
Or did ya fuuuhhhhgetaboudit?
Chip gives a sarcastic “thanks for listening” look. The OLD
CLERK shrugs and lets them past, makes enough sense to him.
DALE (CONT’D)
(bad New York accent)
Go Yanks and pizza!
They excitedly make their way down the hall, toward a door
that reads: “LOCKER ROOM, BATHS & SPA.”
CHIP
(sotto excited)
Whoa, what a rush. I’m honestly
amazed that worked.
DALE
(sotto)
I’m not. “Rats What I’m Talking
About” is our second highest rated
episode on IMDB. The first of
course being, “Chip and Dale Save
M.C. Hammer.”
Dale lifts his rat tail to his mouth and speaks into it
quietly. IT HAS A CAMERA/ WALKIE-TALKIE INSTALLED IN IT.
DALE (CONT’D)
Ellie, we’re in. Over.

INT. SURVEILANCE VAN - CONTINUOUS

Ellie watches the live feed coming from Dale’s tail-cam.
ELLIE
Great! I’ll be your eyes and ears.
Now go find Mean Dean’s locker. Over.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - MAIN BATH HALL - CONTINUOUS

Chip and Dale enter to find a massive old-school Russian
bathhouse. It’s labyrinthine in its layout of various pools,
baths, massage tables, and showers. The place is filled with
humans and cartoons alike, in a general state of relaxation.
DALE
(starting to sweat)
It’s really hot in here.
 48.

Chip directs Dale’s attention to the other side of the main

hall... the LOCKER ROOM.
CHIP
That’s Mean Dean’s locker. He’ll be
taking his step-tracker off there.
And hopefully not much else, I’d
hate to see what’s going on
underneath that tracksuit.
Just then, they’re interrupted:
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
This water fountain good?
Chip & Dale stand frozen, face-to-face with the Warrior Dwarf.
DALE
Uhhh...
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
Are the pipes clean to drink from
or not?
CHIP
(bad New York accent)
Eyyyy! Clean as a whistle guv’nah.
Due to their disguises, Bob The Warrior Dwarf doesn’t
recognize them. He goes to take a drink, but then it strikes
him that even though they’re rats, these two cleaners look
kinda familiar. He looks back up... but they’re gone.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - CEILING PIPES - MOMENTS LATER

Dale has shot a CROSS-BOW-PLUNGER (a classic gadget from the
show) up to ceiling, and it is now LIFTING THEM UPWARDS OUT
OF SIGHT TO SAFETY!
DALE
Great New York accent. The words
were a little Cockney, but it
worked.
CHIP
Yeah, I don’t know what happened it
was like all of a sudden I was part
Danny DeVito part Michael Caine.
DALE
Both great actors.
CHIP
(re: cross bow plunger)
Wow, who would’ve thought a TV show
prop could support our weight like
this?
 49.

JUST THEN the plunger loses it’s grip. Chip & Dale snatch
onto an exposed pipes in the ceiling before they fall down.

INT. SURVEILANCE VAN - CONTINUOUS

Ellie chimes in over the walkie talkie.
ELLIE
There’s too many of them down
there. You guys need to stay up on
those pipes out of sight. Over.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - CEILING PIPES - CONTINUOUS

The steam from the water is really thick. They both sweat.
DALE
Copy. We’ll head right to the
locker room from up here. Simple.
They look ahead to the CIRCUITOUS MAZE OF PIPING that hangs
in the ceiling and runs through the entire place.
DALE (CONT’D)
Uhhh... this way... I think.
TENSE MUSIC kicks in as the CAMERA TRACKS WITH THEM IN A
GOD’S-EYE VIEW. Their small size allows them to travel
through this network of pipes, regularly popping out of
valves to see from overhead all the rooms they pass through:
--They pass a mud bath room where animated frogs, hippos, and
a catfish are happily packed in mud.
--They pass an exfoliating scrub room where several workers
help a CGI Anaconda shed his outer layer of skin.
--They pass a sauna where fat cartoon pigs and fat real life
men all slouch over sweating.
--They pass a room where two cartoon bears snap a towel at a
cartoon otter.
-They pass SCROOGE MCDUCK sitting in a jacuzzi filled with
gold coins.
--They pass a recliner lounge where cartoon WOLVES drink from
XXX bottles. One hiccups, knocking over and smashing the
bottle. A cartoon broom from Fantasia quickly comes over and
cleans it up for them.
BROOM
Quit making a mess!
WOLF
Hey! Don’t get bristly with me.
 50.

--And finally, they find their way above...

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

They watch as Mean Dean, TAKES OFF HIS STEP-TRACKER AND PUTS
IT IN HIS LOCKER. Now in just a towel, he eats a couple more
MACADAMIA NUTS, and then closes and locks up his locker.
CHIP
(re: step tracker)
Yes! The motherload!
(re: Mean Dean’s body)
And whoa mother, that’s a load.
The heat from the locker room is overwhelming. They wipe
their brows, only to realize the PROSTHETIC NOSE AND TAIL ARE
COMING UNGLUED... Before they can do anything to stop it, IT
GOES FALLING TO THE FLOOR RIGHT TOWARDS MEAN DEAN. They GASP.

INT. SURVEILANCE VAN - CONTINUOUS

Ellie watches the feed and tensely holds her breath watching
the tail fall towards Mean Deans head...

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

But it juuuust misses hitting Mean Dean on the head. Instead,
he steps on it, and it gets stuck on the bottom of his sandal
without him noticing. He EXITS.
CHIP
(breathing sigh of relief)
That was close.
DALE
We lost contact with Ellie.

INT. SURVEILANCE VAN - CONTINUOUS

Ellie watches the tail-cam’s new view from Mean Dean’s foot.
ELLIE
This is making me pretty dizzy
actually.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

They scurry down from the pipe and into the locker room.
 51.

DALE
Without our disguises we’ll get
noticed faster than me at the
Chateau Marmont.
CHIP
Wow, you really had to walk around
the block to drop that gem. Let’s
just get into that locker quick!
They hop onto the door of Mean Dean’s locker, but suddenly...
VOICE (O.S.)
Hey! I know you.
They freeze.
DALE
(sotto)
Oh no.
CHIP
(sotto)
We’re screwed.
They turn around to find a CGI ANACONDA (YONI) staring at them.
He’s massive and horrifying and speaks with an Israeli accent.
YONI THE ANACONDA
You’re the Rescue Rangers.
(then)
I am HUUUUGE fan, bros!
Huge relief washes over them.
YONI THE ANACONDA (CONT’D)
This is the best. I am major big
time fan of you guys!
CHIP
Oh that’s great. Well, we
definitely want you to stay happy,
and calm.
YONI THE ANACONDA
You know what would be maximum
tight? I am DJ on weekends, and I’ve
got this track, you will love it,
it’s the best.
Off the Anaconda’s excited smile...

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - MAIN BATH HALL - SAME TIME

The Polar Bear and the Warrior Dwarf sit in a hot tub. The
Warrior Dwarf notices something on the floor.
 52.

He leans in to pick it up... It’s Dale’s prosthetic tail. The

Warrior Dwarf studies it before finally realizing it’s a
costume rat tail.

INT. SURVEILANCE VAN - CONTINUOUS

Ellie watches the Warrior Dwarf study the tail, and get up
concerned.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

A TECHNO TRACK VERSION OF THE DISNEY AFTERNOON THEME SONG
PLAYS from the Anaconda’s phone, as he and Dale really get
into it.
DALE
Is this a remix of the Disney
afternoon theme song? Whoa. Deep
cut.
YONI THE ANACONDA
Will you rap on it?
CHIP
Give me one second with Dale here?
(then aside to Dale, sotto)
First, stop encouraging this guy.
We need him to leave us alone so we
can get into that locker. And
second, we are not rapping. There
is nothing more pathetic than an
old cartoon character trying to be
cool again by rapping. It’s
desperate and sad and shows a
complete unwillingness to accept
your own fading relevance.
DALE
Yeah, seriously, it’s the worst...
YONI THE ANACONDA
Soooo you rap?
DALE
(turning on a dime)
Aaawww yeah I’m rapping!
YONI THE ANACONDA
...and you do it in the voice?
DALE
(in high-pitched chipmunk
voice)
Pass me the mic, yo!
The Anaconda erupts in excitement and starts recording.
 53.

DALE (CONT’D)
(sotto to Chip)
I’ll distract him, while you break
into Mean Dean’s locker.
Dale turns back to the Anaconda and walks to the other side
of the room, so the Anaconda’s back is to Mean Dean’s locker.
He begins rapping...
DALE (CONT’D)
My name is diggity, diggity,
diggity Dale/ I’m hardcore from my
head to my tail!
YONI THE ANACONDA
YEAH! This gonna get the disco moving!
Chip almost vomits from these lyrics.
CHIP
Oh, this is worse than the rapping
they had in that FBI hamster movie.
Chip pushes through and uses Anaconda’s preoccupation to hop
up onto Mean Dean’s locker. He looks at the keypad of the
locker unsure what to do next...

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - MAIN BATH HALL - SAME TIME

The Warrior Dwarf, suspicious now, starts going from room to
room, just to check...

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - SAME

Dale continues rapping, to the Anaconda’s delight.
DALE
Don’t mess with me, I’ll kick some
butts/ Then pass the almonds, cause
I am into nuts.
Chip SMELLS the locker’s keypad and recognizes something...
CHIP
Macadamias! And where there’s nuts.
There’s oil.
Chip grabs a match from an incense tray nearby and lights it.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - MAIN BATH HALL - SAME

The Warrior Dwarf is only two doors down from Chip and Dale.
 54.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - SAME

Chip holds the lit match to the keypad. The buttons that
weren’t touched just turn black, while the buttons that were
touched by Mean Dean’s oily fingers briefly LIGHT WITH A
SMALL FLAME, REVEALING THE CODE!
Chip presses the numbers that light up, the door unlocks, and
he opens up the locker and grabs the STEP-TRACKER!
Meanwhile, Dale is in the slow breakdown part of his song.
DALE
(slow jam)
Girl you ain’t never felt the funk/
Till you hibernate with this
chipmunk.
Chip, hiding the Step-tracker behind his back, interrupts
them, ending the song.
CHIP
As much as I would love to keep
listening to this, we gotta be
going.
DALE
Oh, yeah, totally. We got a big
meeting about a possible Rescue
Rangers reboot. Which reminds me,
join the fan page:
[Link]/RebootCHIPnDALE!
YONI THE ANACONDA
Oh, a reboot. That’s great idea.
You do like an ironic, self-aware
Lego movie type thing. Cause the
joke is, “What is Rescue Rangers
movie even about?” So cool. So now.
DALE
(defensive)
Well I don’t think that’s the only
way to do it...
Chip sticks his head out the door to see...

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - MAIN BATH HALL - SAME

The Warrior Dwarf is approaching the locker room.

INT. SURVEILANCE VAN

Ellie tensely watches the camera feed.
 55.

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - LOCKER ROOM - SAME

Chip pops back in and turns to Yoni the Anaconda.
CHIP
We actually really need to be
going, but we’re hoping not to get
spotted by paparazzi. Do you think
you could help us with something...

INT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - MAIN BATH HALL - SAME

The Warrior Dwarf goes to enter the locker room, when the
Anaconda comes slithering out of the room. He nods to the
Warrior Dwarf.
The Warrior Dwarf looks into the locker room. IT’S NOW EMPTY.

EXT. RUSSIAN BATHHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

The Anaconda slithers out the front door, and proceeds to
REGURGITATE Chip and Dale.
DALE
Thanks, Yoni!
CHIP
(revolted)
And from the feel of it, I think you
might be eating too much hummus.
YONI THE ANACONDA
Later, bros!
Ellie pulls up the van, and Chip and Dale rush in.
The Anaconda smiles as they drive off. The Warrior Dwarf
walks outside, looking around.
YONI THE ANACONDA (CONT’D)
(squealing with delight)
Oh boy, you are not going to
believe who I just met!
Off this loaded moment...

INT. ELLIE’S VAN - A LITTLE LATER

Ellie drives the van on the highway. Chip is still wiping off
the snake mucus.
CHIP
Ugh, I need a towel. Or a pita.
 56.

ELLIE
Hook in the Step-tracker to my
computer. I preset it to send the
data back to headquarters.
DALE
On it!
ELLIE
Rats what I’m talkin’ bout!
DALE
I see what you did there!
Dale plugs it into the computer as we see it LIGHT UP WITH
THE TREASURE TROVE OF DATA.
DALE (CONT’D)
Oh man, this is amazing. We’re like
real detectives!
CHIP
Your terrible rapping was the
perfect distraction!
DALE
Don’t short change your even more
terrible New York cockney accent!
Chip and Dale laugh, when Ellie’s police radio buzzes on.
SGT. PUTTY (O.S.)
Officer Stakowski, you did it! You
found the facility! We’re sending
SWAT now by chopper. Meet us there.
Riverside docks.
ELLIE
Yes, sir!
Chip and Dale high-five as they celebrate.
CHIP
We might actually save Monty!
DALE
We’re gonna be heroes!
CHIP
Dale, I gotta thank you for making
me do this. You always had a knack
for getting me to step outside my
comfort zone.
DALE
And you always had a knack for
catching me when I fell over the
comfort-ledge.
 57.

CHIP
This feels... I feel... good.
This really lands on Dale, it makes him happy to hear.
ELLIE
I think I know what this race to
the docks needs...
Ellie picks up a CASSETTE TAPE OF THE RESCUE RANGERS THEME
SONG and throws into the tape player. As the classic RESCUE
RANGERS theme song blasts, Ellie throws an attachable siren
on the roof. Chip and Dale look excited as she floors it!

EXT. RIVERSIDE DOCKS - NIGHT

It’s already night when they arrive at a nondescript yard for
thousands of huge shipping containers. As they pull in, they
see the area is swarming with cops already. Chip, Dale, and
Ellie rush out of the van, met by Sgt. Putty.
SGT. PUTTY
Chip and Dale, great work.
(calling off)
Ready the battering rams!

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - MOMENTS LATER

There’s a sudden SMASH, as two animated POLICE RAMS burst
through the door. Chip, Dale and the police ENTER the
sprawling warehouse floor. Up against one wall is a giant,
ominous series of machines connected by a conveyor belt: THE
BOOTLEGGING MACHINE.
ELLIE
Wow. So this is where the Valley
Gang performs the bootlegging
surgeries and smuggles off their
victims.
DALE
Monty’s gotta be here somewhe--
Dale goes to start WALKING IN--
CHIP
STOP! NO!
Chip GRABS Dale and PULLS HIM BACK, JUST IN TIME AS TWO
MASSIVE CRUSHER PANELS COME SHOOTING UP FROM THE FLOOR,
SMASHING EXACTLY WHERE DALE WAS.
DALE
Whoa. You saved me Chip. How’d you--
 58.

CHIP
Ellie, turn the lights off.
Ellie turns OFF the light, to REVEAL the room is CRISSCROSSED
WITH ELABORATE MOTION SENSOR LASER BEAMS. She flips the light
back ON.
DALE
I shoulda known. It’s like episode
#121, Mission Chipossible.
Ellie points to a generator on the other side of the floor.
ELLIE
That looks like the power’s main-
line! If we could turn it off, we
could search the place.
SGT. PUTTY
Stakowski, the whole room is a
giant smashy death trap. There’s no
way to get over there.
CHIP
There’s one way to get over there.
And Dale and I can do it!
DALE
(confused)
We can?
CHIP
Yup. We can go through the machine!
DALE
He’s right. They wouldn’t booby
trap their bootlegging machine.
ELLIE
That’s because it’s already a death
trap. The whole purpose of that
machine is to surgically mangle
you. We’ve done some research into
what goes on here, and if you were
lucky enough to get through the
slicing chamber with all your parts
still in tact, and then the reshape-
ulator didn’t crunch your face into
a weird new shape, you’d still have
to survive the laser printer
surgically drawing new parts onto
your body.
CHIP
Wow. You really just poured some
cold water on what felt like a
pretty cool decision on our parts.
(then)
(MORE)
 59.

CHIP (CONT'D)
But if Monty’s on the other side of
that thing, then we gotta at least
try.
DALE
Yeah we do! Now help us onto this
conveyor of death.
Ellie gives them a lift up to the front of the conveyor belt,
and suddenly the automated sensor registers they’re there,
and the whole MACHINE LIGHTS UP, starting the bootlegging
process. As the conveyor belt begins to carry them into the
machine Chip & Dale bravely nod goodbye to Ellie.
DALE (CONT’D)
Goodbye Ellie. Always remember me.
CHIP
If I don’t make it out of here
alive tell my landlord it was me
who was clogging the pipes with my
hair.
Chip & Dale steel themselves for what’s to come...
CHIP (CONT’D)
You ready Dale?
DALE
Ready Chip.

INT. BOOTLEGGING MACHINE - CONTINUOUS

They reach the first chamber of the machine and a GRID OF
LIGHT SUDDENLY APPEARS ON THEM...
DALE
ARE WE ABOUT TO GET WAFFLE FRIED?!
CHIP
No... I think it’s...

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - CONTINUOUS

From the outside Ellie and the police watch the machine work.
ELLIE
...Scanning them. And rendering
what they’d look like in different
animation styles.
We see their shapes mapped into the computer. And then the
computer extrapolates alternate looks for them: Chip & Dale
as Pixar characters; in minimalist modern shapes; as a mid-
90s square-jawed WB superheroes; as a Ren & Stimpy
characters, and more.
 60.

INT. BOOTLEGGING MACHINE - CONTINUOUS

The grid of light finishes mapping Chip & Dale as the
conveyor belt keeps moving them along.
DALE
That was nothing! This might be
easier than we--
SUDDENLY A ROBOTIC CLAW GRABS DALE BY THE NECK.
CHIP
Dale!
Chip begins pulling at Dale’s body, stretching him out, but
no luck freeing him. TWO MORE ROBOTIC ARMS COME OUT WIELDING
A BONE SAW AND SCALPEL.
CHIP (CONT’D)
Oh, “slicing chamber,” now I get
the name.
The bone saw is closing in on Dale’s face...
DALE
(struggling to breath)
...in my pocket... my anti-aging
moisturizer...
Chip finds the moisturizer in Dale’s pocket. He smears it on
Dale’s face, and pulls him again... finally FREEING HIM!
DALE (CONT’D)
I owe you for that.
Suddenly 4 MORE BLADES EMERGE, and begin SLICING AND DICING.
Chip and Dale duck and jump their way under and over each
blade, helping each other along the way.
CHIP DALE (CONT'D)
Jump! Duck!
CHIP DALE (CONT'D)
Duck! Jump!
They make it past the blades, but A FULL BODY PRESS BEGINS TO
SNAP AROUND THEM. They dive out of the way of it just in time.
DALE (CONT’D)
You OK? You in one piece?
CHIP
Uhhh, yeah... but you’re not.
Reveal, Dale’s TOUPEE wasn’t so lucky and got caught in the
‘reshape-ulator.’ The two sides of the press come apart, and
Dale’s toupee, now in a mangled, totally different shape
falls to the ground.
 61.

DALE
Again, I have to ask--
CHIP
Promise I’m not telling anyone.
Really.
Dale grabs his toupee, shakes it back into shape and puts it
back on his head. Just as... a LASER BEAM SINGES CHIP’S EAR.
CHIP (CONT’D)
AAHH!!
He looks up to see he’s being LASER PRINTED ON... and his ear
now looks like SNOOPY’S EAR, with the trademark squiggly
drawn lines.
DALE
You got a Snoopy ear!
CHIP
I don’t care what it is, it hurts!
Chip painfully RIPS IT OFF his ear, as they move out of the
way of many more incoming lasers.
CHIP (CONT’D)
We need to get out of here. NOW!
They begin to RUN as fast as they can to get to the end of
the conveyor belt, as the LASER BEAM is hot on their tails.
CHIP SEES JUST UP AHEAD OF THEM IS THE EXIT OF THE
BOOTLEGGING MACHINE, AND JUST PAST THAT IS THE MAIN POWER
CHORD, A JUMP AWAY FROM THE END OF THE CONVEYOR BELT.
CHIP (CONT’D)
We gotta jump!
As the laser singes the tip of Dale’s tail, drawing on it
ever so slightly, they JUMP FOR THE EXIT!

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - CONTINUOUS

Ellie and the cops hear the screams and tensely watch, not
knowing what awful things are going on inside the machine.
Suddenly Chip & Dale hit the end of the conveyor belt and
come SHOOTING OUT.
CHIP & DALE
AAAAAHHH!!!!
In SLOW-MO they SOAR chaotically through the air, towards the
main power chord. It’s a close call... But they STICK THE
LANDING, GRABBING HOLD OF THE CHORD AND RIPPING IT OUT OF THE
SOCKET IN ONE MOTION. They land on the ground with a thud.
 62.

SGT. PUTTY
We’re clear. Let’s tear this place
up, and find Monterey Jack.
Ellie rushes over to them.
ELLIE
You guys did it!
Chip and Dale look at each other, hopeful, excited.
CHIP
Yeah, I guess we did.
OFFICER MORELLI (O.S.)
Sir, I found what looks like a
holding cell!
Chip and Dale excitedly rush over to them.
DALE
I’ll take lead from here.
SGT. PUTTY
That’s really not your job--
DALE
(cocky, moving past)
Okay! If our detective work is
correct, officers, Monterey Jack
will be right behind this door!
Dale triumphantly kicks open the door to find...

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - DRAFTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MONTEREY JACK’S TRADEMARK MUSTACHE AND MOUTH DISEMBODIED,
LYING MOTIONLESS ON THE FLOOR ON TOP OF A HANDKERCHIEF.
DALE
Wait... he’s not here?
Chip and Dale are in shock.
CHIP
He’s been bootlegged.
Chip picks up the mustache and mouth.
DALE
No, no... it can’t be.
ELLIE
I’m so sorry.
 63.

DALE
He’s supposed to be here!
CHIP
We were too late. Poor Monty.
DALE
No! Monty can’t be gone. No!
The room SPINS AROUND CHIP AND DALE, AS THEY STRUGGLE TO DEAL
WITH THE SHOCK AND SADNESS. We TIME LAPSE to...

EXT. RIVERSIDE DOCKS - EARLY MORNING

Chip and Dale emerge from the facility shell-shocked, escorted
by Ellie and Sgt. Putty. Eager journalists have swarmed the
scene, jockeying to get photos and interviews.
3D REPORTER
Chip! Dale! 3D In Your Face News--
From Chip and Dale’s perspective, we see the 3D REPORTER’s
mic go uncomfortably close to their noses (3D movie-style).
3D REPORTER (CONT’D)
How does it feel to be real heroes?
How does it feel to be back in the
spotlight? Everyone’s gonna know
who you are again!
Dale is too despondent to even respond.
SGT. PUTTY
No questions at this time.
A female old timey, BLACK AND WHITE REPORTER gets her noodle
arm through the crowd with a mic.
BLACK AND WHITE REPORTER
Sgt. Putty, Black and White News.
Why is there an entire roll of
toilet paper on your back?
SGT. Putty turns to see toilet paper on his back.
SGT. PUTTY
Oh come on! I don’t even remember
going to the bathroom!

INT. ELLIE’S VAN - MORNING - LATER

Ellie drives a somber Chip and Dale back to LA. Dale,
forlorn, holds Monty’s mustache & mouth.
DALE
Are you sure every room was checked?
 64.

ELLIE
Yeah, I’m sure. Monty wasn’t there.
I’m really sorry guys.
DALE
I still can’t believe it. We did
everything right. We got the team
back together and everything.
Ellie’s van pulls up outside of the convention center. Chip
and Dale get out of the van.

EXT. CONVENTION CENTER - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

Ellie calls out to them from her van.
ELLIE
It really was an honor working with
you two gumshoes.
Ellie drives off, leaving Chip and Dale in the parking lot
standing next to a row of Mean Dean’s Latrines.
CHIP
Look, it’s a longshot, but it’s
possible with all the police
attention, Mean Dean might be too
scared to ship anything, and Monty
is still somewhere in town. We
should keep looking for him.
DALE
(defeated)
No. You were right in the first
place. We’re not detectives.
Besides I can’t today. I have to be
in there signing autographs.
CHIP
(feeling bad for Dale)
You have to sign autographs?
DALE
(depressed)
Yeah, that’s just my life, I guess.
Dale starts to walk off. Chip actually feels bad, he pulls
the pog out of his pocket and looks at the picture of him and
Dale happy, ages ago. Chip’s gotta say something...
CHIP
You know, maybe when you get off,
me and you could go grab a coffee
or something. Ever had the coffee
at Bubba Gump? Surprisingly good.
Dale turns around, surprised. He’s touched.
 65.

DALE
Really? You mean it? Like as friends?
CHIP
Sure. I guess.
DALE
(overjoyed)
You “guess”?! That’s the nicest
thing you’ve said to me in years! I
would love to grab a coffee.
CHIP
Great. Well, I’ll see ya later
then...
But Dale is nagged by something.
DALE
Hey Chip? For the sake of being
really honest with each other, the
way that friends are supposed to
be, can I tell you something?
CHIP
Yeah. Anything, Dale.
DALE
You promise not to be mad?
CHIP
What is it?
DALE
(deep breath)
Monty and I faked his kidnapping.
Chip is STUNNED.
CHIP
WHAT?
DALE
But something went wrong. I swear
nobody was supposed to get hurt or
actually go missing--
CHIP
What in god’s name are you talking
about?
As Dale begins to explain, we FLASHBACK TO...

INT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - FLASHBACK TO EARLIER

Chip has just slammed the door and left. Now we stay with
Monty and Dale instead.
 66.

Dale NARRATES in V.O., as we see how the series of events

actually unfolded.
DALE (V.O.)
Monty approached me with a plan...
MONTY (IN DALE’S VOICE)
What if there was a way for me to
get out of debt to the Valley Gang,
and you and Chip to become famous
again all at once?
Dale is intrigued.

INT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - LATER - FLASHBACK

Dale stages the house to look like a kidnapping, tearing
things up and throwing things around. He knocks Monty’s
potted cactus to the ground.
DALE (V.O.)
We would stage Monty’s kidnapping.
DALE
Just gotta remember not to step on
that...
Monty looks at a Wikihow labeled “HOW TO STAGE A KIDNAPPING.”
DALE (V.O.)
And frame Mean Dean’s Valley Gang
for it.
Monty leaves a note that reads: “Money I owe to Valley Gang.”

INT. MOTEL - LATER - FLASHBACK

Monty’s clearly been living from a motel room for a couple
days, as he watches Olaf from Frozen do car karaoke with
James Corden on TV as he waits by his cell phone.
DALE (V.O.)
While you and I did some super cool
detective work, Monty was hiding
out, waiting for me to give him a
good place to plant himself...
Monty’s phone buzzes with a text. It’s the coordinates to the
Bootlegging Facility.

EXT. RIVERSIDE DOCKS - LATER - FLASHBACK

Monty gets out of a cab at the shipping docks, follows the
coordinates to the disguised shipping containers...
 67.

DALE (V.O.)
Then, heroically, we’d go find him.

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - FLASHBACK

As we saw earlier, Dale confidently approaches the door.
DALE
If our detective work is correct,
officers, Monterey Jack will be
right behind this door!
Dale triumphantly kicks open the door...
DALE (V.O.)
And well, somewhere in there
something went terribly wrong. But
this is what was supposed to happen--

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - DRAFTING ROOM - IMAGINATION

Dale kicks open the door to find Monty tied to a chair.
MONTY (IN DALE’S VOICE)
You found me!

EXT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - IMAGINATION

Sgt. Putty addresses the media, Chip and Dale by his side.
SGT. PUTTY (IN DALE’S VOICE)
Mean Dean has been arrested and
charged. Monterey Jack therefore no
longer owes any money and is safe.
All because Chip and Dale are
heroes. They truly are... the
Rescue Rangers.
REPORTER (IN DALE’S VOICE)
Man, what a great story! Someone
should turn this into a movie!
Off Dale’s excitement...

EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - IMAGINATION

Dale pulls up in a new MERCEDES for the star-studded premiere
of the Rescue Rangers reboot movie. The marquee reads: “THE
CASE OF THE MISSING MONTY.” He gets out of the car, basking
in the glory and attention. He waves to someone off screen...
 68.

DALE
Mickey, you made it! Minnie, a
vision as usual. After-party at my
place, I’m buyin’ cheesy crust
pizza!
Everyone CHEERS, as we go BACK TO REALITY...

EXT. CONVENTION CENTER - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

Chip is in complete shock.
DALE
I don’t know, I heard Baloo say
something about cheesy crust pizza
and now I keep bringing it up--
CHIP
You. Are. A. MONSTER.
DALE
I made a mistake, Chip. A big
mistake. And I’m sorry.
CHIP
You’re only sorry because your plan
didn’t work. You were so desperate to
be popular again, that if the price
was lying to me and putting Monty in
danger, you were OK with that.
DALE
You said you wouldn’t be mad.
CHIP
You know what, I’m mad at myself
more than anything. For believing,
for even just one second, that you
could’ve changed.
Chip reaches into his pocket and PULLS OUT THE POG OF THE TWO
THEM. Dale is surprised to see that he has the pog.
CHIP (CONT’D)
I kept this for twenty years for
some stupid reason. And not cause I
didn’t need the money.
(then)
Thanks for reminding me everything
has a price.
Chip walks into the convention center. Dale watches him go,
heartbroken.
 69.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Ellie drives home, when speeding down the freeway in the
opposite direction from her, she spots two BLACK SUV’s driven
by Jimmy the Polar Bear & Bob the Warrior Dwarf.
ELLIE
That looks like trouble for the guys.
She looks in her rearview mirror and sees the SUV’s exiting
the freeway towards the sign for the CONVENTION CENTER.

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - MOMENTS LATER

Chip slaps the pog down on the table of a collectibles dealer.
CHIP
How much you give me for this?

EXT. CONVENTION CENTER - PARKING LOT - SAME TIME

A sad Dale sits on the curb with his head down, when suddenly
the BLACK SUV pulls up. Another SUV pulls up behind him. He’s
blocked in. Panicked, he looks in the windows and sees Jimmy
the Polar Bear and Bob the Warrior Dwarf. They pull out their
BIG COLORFUL CARTOON ERASER GUNS and fire at Dale.
DALE
Oh no.
Dale’s eyes go wide as he jumps to dodge the erasers flying
at him.
The Polar Bear and Warrior Dwarf jump out of the car. Dale
runs away into...

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - MAIN ENTRANCE - SAME TIME

Chip pockets a big wad of cash.
CHIP
Enjoy your collectible pog. Hope it
fills the void!
Just then...
DALE (O.S.)
Chip!
Chip turns around, annoyed.
DALE (CONT’D)
RUN!
 70.

Chip clocks the Polar Bear and Warrior Dwarf coming up behind
Dale and realizes they’re in danger. Dale grabs two swag hats
and puts them on himself and Chip.
DALE (CONT’D)
We can lose them in the crowd, just
like we did in episode 417, “The
Fur-gitive.” Get it, like the
Fugitive, but with f--
CHIP
Not now Dale!
Chip and Dale walk in to the crowd, trying not to be seen.
The goons pause when they realize how large and crowded this
place is. They conceal their weapons inside their jackets as
they begin searching for Chip and Dale.

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - AISLES - MOMENTS LATER

Chip and Dale walk briskly past former child stars and old
cartoons at signing tables.
JONATHAN LIPNICKI
The human head weighs eight
pounds... That’ll be forty bucks.

ANGLE ON:
The goons walk through rows of celebrities. They think they
spot an animated chipmunk and approach from behind...
POLAR BEAR
(sotto)
There he is...
They grab him and turn him around only to realize he’s a LOST
BOY (from Peter Pan) wearing a full body Chipmunk onesie. The
Warrior Dwarf gruffly tosses him aside as they keep looking.
ANGLE BACK:
Chip and Dale continue walking with their heads down, but as
they rush through people begin to notice them...
FAN
Can we get a selfie? Can you say
something in the voice?
DALE
(high-pitched voice)
Saaaay “Rescue Ra--
CHIP
What? No. No photos!
 71.

Chip tries to keep moving, but then they’re stopped by...

ERIK ESTRADA
Hey! Look at you two back together.
Saw you on the news! Lots of buzz!
How’s it feel to be popular again?
Oh man, have I got an idea for a
reboot crossover for you...
DALE
It’s a bad time, Estrada.
ERIK ESTRADA
It’s called Chips and Dale. Get
it?! Chips and Dale? Already
getting interest from Johnny
Galecki!
CHIP
We gotta go.
ERIK ESTRADA
What? You got something better on
your plate? Will you cast me in it?
They start to walk but Estrada stays with them.
ERIK ESTRADA (CONT’D)
Chip! Dale! Hey, wait up!
DALE
Will you just back off Estrada?!
You’re so full of it, you don’t
have a show with the FBI.
The guys run OFF, leaving Estrada behind.
ESTRADA
(calling after them)
I totally work with the FBI now!
THE GOONS SPOT THEM as they barrel through the crowd.
POLAR BEAR
There they are!
Chip and Dale pick up the pace. But fans keep trying to stop
them. Until they run into...
BALOO
Whoa! Chip and Dale together! Never
thought I’d see the--
The Polar Bear gets in range and pulls out his eraser gun.
CHIP
DUCK!
 72.

REVEAL PERRY (from Phineas and Ferb).

PERRY
Uhhh no, I’m a platypus!
BAM! The goon SHOOTS the ERASER and hits Baloo right through
the arm, as his hand goes flying off, bouncing on the ground
(though waggling around, it’s very much still alive).
BALOO
MY HAND! CAN I GET A HAND WITH MY
HAND?!
Now it’s BEDLAM. As everyone in the convention center is
screaming, Chip and Dale run like crazy for the back...
The goons fire wildly at them, as people jump out of the way.
They fire one eraser bullet and it hits JOEY LAWRENCE in the
head. It stings a bit, but bounces right off him.
JOEY LAWRENCE
Whoa.
Fans at his booth all cheer for Joey’s catchphrase.
DALE
Quick, the elevator, over there!
They run for the elevator as the door is closing.
DALE (CONT’D)
Hold that door, hold that door!
They get in just in time, as the bullets just bounce off the
closing elevator door...

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS

Chip presses the BASEMENT button as they catch their breath.
They look up to see who is already on the elevator with them:
Allan the superfan. His mouth is agape with excitement.
ALLAN
Oh... my... god... Is the reboot
happening?
DING! The elevator opens...
CHIP
No one wants a reboot!

INT. CONVENTION CENTER - LOADING DOCK - CONTINUOUS

They rush out to the loading dock in the back basement level.
 73.

CHIP
There’s the door!
But then the GOONS burst out of the stairwell, erasers
flying. Chip and Dale are cornered, UNTIL...
A VAN APPEARS AND REVERSES AT FULL SPEED, RUNNING OVER THE
GOONS. The van door swings open, to REVEAL ELLIE.
ELLIE
Get in!
Chip & Dale are relieved to see her, as they jump in the van.
DALE
Go! Go!
Ellie speeds OFF.
Allan, wide-eyed, could not be happier.
ALLAN
I wish I had Snapchatted that.
The goons, FLATTENED, slowly pick themselves up off the
ground and shake themselves back into 3-D.

INT. ELLIE’S CAR - MOMENTS LATER

Ellie speeds down the highway.
DALE
Ellie you saved us! Thank you!
You’re amazing!
CHIP
I thought you were going to arrest
Mean Dean and his guys?
ELLIE
We have a warrant out. But it’s not
safe for you until we actually have
him behind bars. I can arrange for
police protective custody, I just
need a little time. Is there
anywhere you can camp out tonight?
Somewhere a little off the grid
they wouldn’t come looking for you?
DALE
I know a place... in Joshua Tree.
Chip gives him an uncertain look.
 74.

EXT. JOSHUA TREE DESERT - SUN DOWN

Ellie drives past the rows of Joshua trees scattered
throughout the desert. They pull down a winding dirt road and
come upon a huge JOSHUA TREE. It’s decorated like a home,
with a welcome mat out front and cutouts for windows.
As they pull up, GADGET exits the house. She’s older now,
heavier, but seems happier and wiser.
ELLIE
Is that...
DALE
Gadget, yeah.
GADGET
(calling out)
Well, I’ll be. Honey, look who’s
here!
Just then, ZIPPER opens a window in the tree. He’s clearly in
the middle of changing baby diapers, when he looks down.
Ecstatic, he flies down from the window to greet the them.
ELLIE
And Zipper. Wow. I am geeking out!
Would it be weird if asked for a
picture?
As Ellie goes over to Zipper, Dale hangs back for Chip.
DALE
Hey Chip, can we talk, please?
CHIP
No. We’re done talking.
Chip walks ahead and waves at Zipper and Gadget, sheepishly.
CHIP (CONT’D)
Hi. It’s been a while.

EXT. GADGET AND ZIPPER’S TREE HOUSE - BACKYARD - LATER

Dale sits sadly and stares at Chip, who avoids his gaze.
We’re in Gadget & Zipper’s eclectic backyard, the old RANGER
WING PLANE rusting off to the side, they sit around a
bonfire. Ellie opens a bottle of wine. Gadget and Zipper hold
hands as their kids play in the background.
GADGET
(solemnly)
Monty bought us this bottle for our
wedding. Seems like the right time
to finally drink it.
 75.

DALE
(genuinely sad)
He would’ve really liked that.
CHIP
(sarcastic)
Oh. Would he have, Dale?
Everyone clocks this tension. Ellie pours glasses of wine.
ELLIE
(moving on)
So, how long have you been out here?
GADGET
Fifteen years now. We figured after
the show ended, what were we sticking
around LA for? It always felt like a
popularity contest there.
ZIPPER
(in the deepest
Shakespearean baritone)
I started teaching at the local
community theater. I’m directing
Midsummer next week.
CHIP
Good for you to get out of LA.
(looking at Dale)
The place is a cesspool of
selfishness, greed, and
desperation.
DALE
(ashamed)
I’m gonna go for a walk, get some
steps in.
Dale gets up to walk, then feels his pocket.
DALE (CONT’D)
Chip, I think you still have my Step-
tracker from before at Ellie’s.
Chip gives him a “leave me alone” death stare.
DALE (CONT’D)
I’ll just count the steps in my
head. It’s fine.
Dale walks OFF.
ELLIE
I should go make sure he’s OK.
Ellie follows him OFF.
 76.

CHIP
(back to Gadget and Zipper)
So... how many kids you got? Like
forty? Fifty? Guess that comes from
Zipper’s side of the family.

EXT. JOSHUA TREE DESERT - MOMENTS LATER

Dale walks through the desert alone. Ellie runs after him.
ELLIE
Dale, wait!
Dale looks back to her, distraught.
ELLIE (CONT’D)
You can’t blame yourself. You’re not
the reason Monty was bootlegged.
DALE
What if I am?
ELLIE
Do you know how many other cartoons
you saved today by helping the
police stop Mean Dean from
bootlegging anymore? You’re a hero.
DALE
I’m anything but a hero...

EXT. GADGET AND ZIPPER’S TREE HOUSE - BACKYARD - SAME TIME

Chip continues sitting with Zipper and Gadget.
GADGET
You think maybe you’re being a
little hard on Dale? You guys were
best friends once. Long before
there even was a Rescue Rangers.
CHIP
I don’t think I’m being hard enough
on him. I don’t know why you’re
defending him. He screwed you over
too when he took Double-O-Dale.
ZIPPER
That doesn’t mean all of the other
good times we shared didn’t happen.
To err is human; to forgive divine.
GADGET
You guys were always better
together than you were apart. You
should be friends.
 77.

CHIP
Suuuure, I could forgive him, and
we could be friends again. Until
something better comes along. The
truth is, no one is actually your
friend, and believing otherwise
will only get you hurt.
ZIPPER
So what’s the alternative?
CHIP
Being alone.
GADGET
And how’s that working out for you?
This clearly strikes a chord with Chip, and it hurts.

EXT. JOSHUA TREE DESERT - NIGHT - SAME TIME

Ellie and Dale continue walking.
ELLIE
You know, I remember as a ten-year-
old in Albany racing home after
school to watch the Rescue Rangers.
And no matter what -- snow,
sleet... mostly just those two
things, it’s Albany -- I never
missed the show. And you were my
favorite. Why do you think I wanted
this shirt?
Dale is touched. He blushes a big, red-cheeked blush.
DALE
That’s sweet of you, Ellie, but the
truth is, I think I’ve been living my
life all wrong. All those years I
spent putting my career ahead of
everything else, trying to be popular
again... I don’t know if they’ve left
me any happier or any less alone. And
I’m scared that it’s too late to fix
the damage I’ve done.
ELLIE
It’s never too late, and you’re not
alone.
Just then, they look up at a SHOOTING STAR flying overhead.
They look back down and find their eyes locked. The familiar
strains of “WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR” begin to play.
 78.

It’s very romantic. We cut back and forth between CLOSE UPS
of them looking into each other’s eyes, seemingly drawing
closer and closer. We CUT WIDE to REVEAL this is a ludicrous
impossibility -- she is five feet taller than him.
Suddenly, Ellie gets a TEXT MESSAGE and the moment is over.
ELLIE (CONT’D)
It’s Sergeant Putty. He says
they’ll be ready for you first
thing in the morning. Wanna head
back? Tell the others?
DALE
Yeah. That’s probably a good idea.

EXT. GADGET AND ZIPPER’S TREE HOUSE - LATER

As night fades to morning... We PAN down to the Tree House as
Chip, Dale, and Ellie get into the van and take off. Gadget,
Zipper, and their fifty some children all wave goodbye.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Ellie escorts Chip and Dale through the police station to
outside of Sergeant Putty’s office.
ELLIE
You guys wait out here while I
brief Putty on the situation.
Ellie EXITS into Sergeant Putty’s office and closes the door
behind her.
DALE
I’ve thought about it. I’m gonna
tell the Sergeant about how me and
Monty orchestrated this whole thing,
but somewhere along the way it all
got messed up. If we want to give
the cops any chance of figuring out
what happened, or maybe, just maybe,
actually still finding him, they’ve
gotta know the truth.
Chip can’t believe how earnest Dale is being.
CHIP
Wow. Dale, you would really
sacrifice yourself like that?
DALE
I’ve spent the last twenty years
trying to get back to how I felt
when I was on the Rescue Rangers.
(MORE)
 79.

DALE (CONT'D)
But in the last couple days, I
realized it wasn’t the fame and
popularity that made me feel good. I
felt good because I had a best
friend. Everything you said about me
all those years, you were right. I
was a turd factory of selfishness. I
treated friends like snot rags. I
was a clown in a Hawaiian shirt
desperate for attention.
CHIP
Did I really say all that? That
sounds harsh.
ELLIE (O.S.)
Sarge is ready to talk to you.
DALE
(sad, to Chip)
For once, let me do something
that’s actually for somebody else.
Chip is amazed by what Dale said. Ellie waves them in.
ELLIE
Come see me before you leave.
Chip and Dale walk into Sergeant Putty’s office. Ellie gives
them a supportive smile.

INT. POLICE STATION - SERGEANT PUTTY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Sgt. Putty is holding a newspaper.
SGT. PUTTY
You see these headlines!?
He peels his hand off the page to show them the image
transferred to his hand.
SGT. PUTTY (CONT’D)
Oh, crud, it’s backwards... Well,
it says you boys are heroes for
helping us make our case against
Mean Dean. Must feel good. I’ve
been bouncing off the walls with
excitement all morning.
DALE
Listen, Sergeant Putty, there is
something I need to tell--
Just then, the PHONE RINGS.
 80.

SERGEANT PUTTY
Hold on a second. This is probably
the LA Times, needing another quote.
(turns, into phone)
Putty here. And no, I don’t think
it’s too early to speculate on
who’ll win “Policeman of the Year”.
As the Sergeant talks in the background, we’re on Dale, who’s
nose suddenly starts twitching in the air.
DALE
Oh, you smell that? Smells like
Almond butter and Polo Sport.
Chip startles to a realization.
CHIP
Almond butter & Polo Sport...
but... my god... that’s the Rescue
Ranger’s cologne... you realize
what that means?
DALE
Sergeant Putty is a fan of ours!?
CHIP
(whispering)
We need to get out of here. Now.
DALE
What? But--
They look over at Sergeant Putty who is still on the phone
with his backs to them.
CHIP
Quietly.
Chip and Dale make their bodies like noodles and slide off
their chairs without making any noise.

EXT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Chip and Dale run out of the station and off to the side.
DALE
What’s going on?!
CHIP
You did it Dale! You and your big
red nose! Monty was literally the
only person to ever use that
disgusting cologne.
 81.

DALE
Actually, I heard it’s still used in
the Ukraine to strip paint. But of
course we never see a dime of that.
CHIP
That’s not the point. The point is
Putty stunk of it.
DALE
Oh my god that means--
(then)
Wait... what does that mean?
CHIP
It means--
Just then, a BLACK SUV screeches up next to Chip and Dale.
DALE
Hey, I remember this car--
And before they can even run, Polar Bear and Warrior Dwarf
come out and toss a sack over the guys.
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
You’re coming with us!
They get thrown in the SUV, and it speeds off.

INT. MEAN DEAN’S HIDEOUT - DAY - LATER

Chip and Dale are dumped out of the sack into a strange, very
long, very thin room with blue plastic walls. They look
around, panicked and confused.
DALE
Where are we?
CUT TO OUTSIDE:

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - SAME TIME

A row of a dozen “Mean Dean’s Latrines” porta-potties sits in
the back of an empty construction site.
CUT BACK INSIDE:

INT. MEAN DEAN’S HIDEOUT - SAME

We REVEAL the row of porta-potties has been hollowed out and
connected to make a liveable hideout.
 82.

MEAN DEAN (O.S.)

None of your business where we are.
Chip and Dale jump back, scared, when Mean Dean emerges from
the shadows.
MEAN DEAN (CONT’D)
You framed me. Now I gotta go into
hiding, and you know the only place
a guy like me blends in? Friggin’
Norway! It’s Christmas year round
there. Uch.
(to the Polar Bear)
Jimmy, gimme your eraser.
The Polar Bear hands it to Dean, as he starts closing in.
DALE
Do we really need to resort to
erasers? We’re both actors, aren’t
we? Can’t we just use our greatest
weapon: our voices?
MEAN DEAN
I knew that crook, Sergeant Putty,
wanted a cut of my business, I just
didn’t know he’d hire two chipmunks
to frame me to get it.
CHIP
(confused)
Wait... What? We’re not working for
Putty. He wants a cut of your
business?
It all fully dawns on Chip...
CHIP (CONT’D)
It all makes sense now!
(then)
Mean, can I call you Mean? M.D.? If
you’ll allow your throbbing neck
vein to settle, I’ll explain...

INT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - FLASHBACK

Chip NARRATES in V.O. as we see how the series of events
actually unfolded:
Sgt. Putty, Officer Toad, and Officer Morelli arrive on the
scene of the “crime” and quickly register something is off
about it.
CHIP (V.O.)
Sgt. Putty sniffed out it was a
faked kidnapping from the jump.
 83.

Sgt. Putty opens Monty’s computer and sees the article titled
“HOW TO FAKE A KIDNAPPING” is still up on the screen.
SGT. PUTTY (IN CHIP’S VOICE)
Wow, this guy is an idiot.
CHIP (V.O.)
He probably said.

INT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - LATER - FLASHBACK

Sgt. Putty holds the note from Monty that reads “MONEY I OWE
THE VALLEY GANG.” He addresses Officer Toad and Officer
Morelli.
SGT. PUTTY (IN CHIP’S VOICE)
I run this city. Mean Dean thinks
he can just ignore me?
He hears Dale SCREAM FROM STEPPING ON THE CACTUS. As he sees
Dale holding his foot like a idiot, he smiles.
SGT. PUTTY (IN CHIP’S VOICE) (CONT’D)
These two morons might’ve just
created all the case we need to
take Mean Dean down, and then
instead of just a kickback, we’ll
have his whole stinkin’ business.

EXT. RIVERSIDE DOCKS/EXT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - FLASHBACK

Sgt. Putty, Officer Toad & Officer Morelli wait in the
distance, watching Monty pull up to the docks in his cab and
sneak towards the bootlegging facility.
CHIP (V.O.)
So Putty sits back and lets us put
our lives on the line while we lead
them to Mean Dean’s facility...
MOMENTS LATER...
As Monty feels around for a way in to the facility, a shadow
comes over him.
CHIP (V.O.)
And then all that’s left to do is
make sure the faked crime becomes a
real one so the charges will stick...
He turns to see Putty and the cops. They grab him and hold
him down, as Putty takes a grimy old eraser to his face...
We watch as MONTY’S MOUTH AND MOUSTACHE FALL ON THE FLOOR.
 84.

CHIP (V.O.)
But what they didn’t think of was
Monty’s cologne...
CLOSE ON Sgt. Putty picking up the mouth and moustache in a
handkerchief and pocketing it. Officer Morelli grabs a passed
out Monty and throws him in to a police trunk.

INT. POLICE STATION - LATER - FLASHBACK

Dale sniffs the air, recognizing the scent.
CHIP (V.O.)
A putrid, yeasty almond mixed with
a sickly sweet Polo Sport that
won’t come out for two days minimum
no matter how hard you scrub.
Chip focuses in on Sgt. Putty as he realizes what’s happening.
CHIP (V.O.)
If Monty was supposed to be
bootlegged and gone before the
police ever got there, then why did
Putty smell like Monty’s cologne?!
BACK TO REALITY...

INT. MEAN DEAN’S HIDEOUT - DAY - BACK TO PRESENT

Dale is in shock.
DALE
Sgt. Putty did it! That means Monty
might actually still be in LA!
MEAN DEAN
I told you, nothing’s sacred. The
cops are bigger criminals than the
criminals... and we’re really big
criminals. Those filthy pigs. And
cats. And horses. And that mushroom
head guy. All of them. I’m even
madder now! You see how mad I am?!
Still, we can’t really make out any emotions on his smooth,
uncanny face. His eyebrows slowly tilt down into “anger.”
CHIP
(placating)
Ohhhh, yes, yes, now I do see
you’re upset. So easy to read.
(then)
What if we could clear your name?
 85.

MEAN DEAN
Really? For all the crimes I’ve
committed over the last decade?
CHIP
Well, no, just this one. If you
give us a day I think I know how to
prove the cops did this.
MEAN DEAN
HO! HO! HO! HO! So, I should just
let you go?
CHIP
What do you have to lose? Either we clear
your name or you erase us tomorrow?
MEAN DEAN
(thinking about it)
Hmm. Fine. But if I don’t hear from
you in twenty-four hours, first
I’ll erase your friends in Joshua
Tree, Zipper and Gadget. Then I’m
coming for you.
Chip and Dale look at each other, horrified.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT - LATER

The black SUV pulls up in an empty parking lot. The door
swings open and Chip and Dale get TOSSED OUT.
BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
Twenty-four hours!
The van drives off. Chip and Dale stand and dust themselves
off, as Chip starts walking with purpose. Dale follows.
DALE
Chip, I can’t believe you figured
all that stuff out! You sounded
like me when I DVR and memorize all
of the answers to Jeopardy before I
invite a date over.
CHIP
I’m gonna go call Ellie.
DALE
Great. What’s our plan?! What’re we
gonna do now? How are the Rescue
Rangers gonna save the day?!
Chip stops. He’s gotta do something hard...
CHIP
Dale. I’m gonna do this myself.
 86.

DALE
Oh. Right. You still hate me. From
before. When you said I was a
monster. And you hate me. I get it.
CHIP
(bittersweet)
I don’t hate you.
DALE
Then why can’t we be friends?
CHIP
Because believing in anything or
anybody gets you hurt. Some things
are better left forgotten. Bye Dale.
Chip walks off. Dale watches him go, heartbroken...

INT. DALE’S HOUSE - GARAGE - LATER

Dale enters his “crime lab” and looks around sadly.
As we TIME LAPSE TO...
Dale sits among the stacks of old photos and magazines. He
pours a bowl of Rescue Rangers Nut & Honey Cereal and eats it.
DALE
(gagging)
Blchhhh, that’s old.
He looks down at an old toy figurine of him and Chip
together. He gives it a small, wistful smile. Then he pops an
eyeball out, like would happen to it in Mean Dean’s factory.
He tosses it all in the trash.

INT. PHONE BOOTH/INT. ELLIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - INTERCUT

Chip sits in a phone booth, calling Ellie.
CHIP
Ellie?
ELLIE
Chip! Are you OK? What happened to
you?! You just disappeared from the
police station!
CHIP
Sgt. Putty, he’s dirty. You can’t
trust him. He had Monty bootlegged
so he could fabricate a case
against Mean Dean and take over his
bootlegging business.
 87.

ELLIE
Chip, that’s a pretty big
accusation. Do you have any proof?
CHIP
Sgt. Putty smelled like Monty’s
cologne. The only way that could
happen is if he personally moved
Monty’s body.
ELLIE
Oh my god. If what you’re saying is
true, we’re gonna need hard
evidence. I think I know where to
get some. Meet me at the docks.
CHIP
I’ll see you there. Be careful.
They hang up the phone and END THE INTERCUT.
Ellie looks up at SOMEONE...

INT. DALE’S HOUSE - GARAGE - SAME TIME

Dale is at the big Rescue Rangers Rating Map. He starts
removing pins from it and throwing them out. As his hand
passes ALBANY, he notices that it’s blank.
DALE
(recalling)
Hmmm... We didn’t air in the Albany
market. They said it was
encouraging children to put clothes
on the indigenous chipmunk
population...
(putting it together)
But that means...
And suddenly Dale drops his bowl of cereal on the floor in
SHOCK. It shatters in SLOW-MO as the realization hits him.

INT. ELLIE’S APARTMENT - SAME

We open on Ellie, then PAN AROUND the room to REVEAL she’s
with Sgt. Putty and the other dirty cops: Officer Toad and
Officer Morelli. Ellie gives them all a conspiratorial nod.
ELLIE
Looks like we’re going to the docks.

INT. DALE’S HOUSE - GARAGE - SAME

Dale puts it all together!
 88.

DALE
Ellie couldn’t have watched Rescue
Rangers growing up like she said.
That means... She’s not a fan!

EXT. RIVERSIDE DOCKS/EXT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - LATER

Ellie waits for Chip on the docks, past the police tape. The
place is empty now. Chip approaches.
ELLIE
Thank god you’re safe. I can’t
believe you figured that all out.
CHIP
I’m pretty good at this. Starting to
think I should actually be a cop.
Especially considering there’s gonna
be a whole bunch of job openings in
your department pretty soon. Maybe
you and I could even be partners...
Once Chip is inside...

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - CONTINUOUS

Ellie closes the door and PULLS OUT A CARTOON ERASER GUN.
ELLIE
You were in the clear, but you just
had to keep digging, didn’t you?
CHIP
(shocked)
Ellie?! What? I don’t understand.
But you were a fan of ours!
ELLIE
Well, I’ll explain...

INT. MONTEREY JACK’S BUNGALOW - FLASHBACK

Ellie NARRATES in V.O., as we see how the series of events
really REALLY unfolded.
ELLIE turns when she hears Dale SCREAM FROM STEPPING ON THE
CACTUS. She smiles with an idea and takes Sgt. Putty aside.
ELLIE (IN ELLIE VOICE)
I think these two morons might’ve
just created all the case we need
to take Mean Dean down, and then
instead of just a kickback, we’ll
have his whole stinkin’ business.
It’ll be easy.
(MORE)
 89.

ELLIE (IN ELLIE VOICE) (CONT'D)

I can pretend to be a fan of
theirs. Do a quick Google of a
couple episode titles, pick up a
shirt at the Disney store--
We ABRUPTLY CUT BACK TO...

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY

Chip rolls his eyes.
CHIP
Okay, I get it. We’re morons.
ELLIE
I was always really more of an
Alvin and the Chipmunks person. I
just love when they rap.
CHIP
You piece of garbage.
Just then, Sergeant Putty and the other dirty cops ENTER from
the other side of the facility. They restrain Chip.
SGT. PUTTY
Great work, Officer Stakowski.
ELLIE
I’ll deal with Dale tomorrow.
CHIP
No please, leave him out of this!
ELLIE
What do you care? You hate him more
than anybody.
This lands on Chip.
ELLIE (CONT’D)
Don’t worry, Sarge, I’ve got Dale
wrapped around my finger like--
SGT. PUTTY
(jumping to offense)
Putty? Were you going to say,
“Putty?!”
ELLIE
(covering)
No. Wrapped around my finger like
a... a... lettuce wrap...
(changing the subject)
Let’s take this guy to be
bootlegged! You’re gonna be our
first sale!
 90.

INT. DALE’S HOUSE - GARAGE - SAME TIME

Dale with determination picks up the phone.
DALE
Hi. It’s Dale. I need your help...

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - SAME

Chip is restrained. Putty walks to the bootlegging machine.
CHIP
What are you going to do to me?
ELLIE
We’re sending you abroad with a new
face and no mouth so you can’t talk.
They TURN ON THE GIANT BOOTLEGGING MACHINE.
ELLIE (CONT’D)
Just like your friend here...
They turn to see Monty is there! Except he can’t talk...
because he’s missing his mouth along with his moustache. His
eyes seem happy to see Chip though.
CHIP
Monty!

EXT. LOS ANGELES SKY/INT. RANGER WING - MOMENTS LATER

We REVEAL GADGET AND ZIPPER PILOT THE OLD RANGER WING PLANE,
WITH DALE FLYING ALONG WITH THEM AS FAST AS THEY CAN!
DALE
I’m amazed this thing actually
flies. And you know how to fly it.
GADGET
(smiling, excited)
I’ve had 20 years to figure it out.
DALE
We’re coming, Chippy!
ZIPPER
He just needs to keep that Step-
tracker on!
Dale looks down at his phone, and we see he’s got the STEP-
TRACKER APP open! It has a glowing pin in a map to follow!
 91.

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - MOMENTS LATER

CLOSE on Chip’s blazer pocket, where Dale’s Step-tracker
still is. Just then the blazer gets ripped off and thrown to
the floor as Officer Toad RESTRAINS CHIP IN A GREEN-SUIT
STRAIGHTJACKET. The jacket hooks into the conveyor belt of
the bootlegging machine as he gets fed into it...
CHIP
Please don’t do this, I won’t tell
anyone! I have no friends to tell!
Mrs. Kwong never leaves the
apartment!
Chip enters the rendering chamber of the machine.
CHIP (CONT’D)
(desperate)
How about I just go to a salon, get
a more traditional makeover? You
can even approve the stylist.

EXT. RANGER WING - SAME TIME

Gadget expertly flies the Rescue Wing towards the location on
the Step-tracker... they see the docks on the horizon.
GADGET
There it is.
ZIPPER
Reminiscent of Macbeth’s bloody
castle.
JUST THEN DALE’S CELL PHONE RINGS. He looks at the number.
DALE
Oh my god. It’s actually my agent.
He picks it up, as we INTERCUT WITH...

INT. CAA OFFICES - INTERCUT

A power agent, DAVE BUGLIARI, sits at his desk on speaker.
DALE
Dave Bugliari? Wow, haven’t heard
from you in a while. You must not
have gotten my last seven years of
messages!
DAVE BUGLIARI
Daley, brother, so sorry, I got a
new assistant, and then we were off
for Rosh Hashanah.
(MORE)
 92.

DAVE BUGLIARI (CONT'D)

Anyway, things are happening.
People are talking. We’ve got heat!
We’ve got offers!
DALE
I can’t talk now.
DAVE BUGLIARI
What do you mean you can’t talk
now? This is the most important
thing in your life.
DALE
I think you’re wrong about that.
You’re fired, Dave Bugliari.
END INTERCUT. Dale tosses the cell phone over the side of the
plane. Zipper and Gadget are proud of him for doing it, as
they steel themselves to fly towards the docks.

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - SAME TIME

Chip, through the rendering chamber, is now on the conveyor
belt heading toward THE SLICING APPARATUS. His eyes go wide.
CHIP
I really would like to know where
this thing got its medical degree!
We ANGLE ON the end of the machine, where Ellie straps Monty in
to the laser printer. Monty, still mouthless, can’t even scream.
ELLIE
(re: Monty)
Time to give your friend crab hands
and a carrot nose so no one ever
recognizes him again.
(then)
Bootlegging is fun. All this mixing
and matching, it’s like Chipotle.
(then, to Officer Morelli)
Fire up the laser printer!
With the printer on, the roller Monty’s on begins to slowly
turn. A LASER OF COLORED LIGHT SHOOTS OUT, soon to hit Monty.
His eyes go wide with terror.

INT. RANGER WING/EXT. SKY ABOVE BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - SAME

They approach on the Ranger Wing, Gadget spotting an exhaust
pipe in the side of the facility.
GADGET
Looks like the only way in is
through that exhaust pipe.
 93.

ZIPPER
Are you sure you want to do this?
DALE
As sure as I’ve ever been.
We REVEAL Dale is STRAPPED TO A DISNEY PARADE FIREWORK.
Zipper lights a match and takes it to the wick, as Dale aims
himself on the side of the plane towards the exhaust pipe.
DALE (CONT’D)
It’s a narrow berth, but if I can
aim it juuust--
The FIREWORK LIGHTS, CHAOTICALLY LAUNCHING DALE FORWARD.
DALE (CONT’D)
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - SAME

Just as Chip’s ear is about to be sliced off by the machine,
and Monty’s face is about to be lasered over...
THERE’S A GIANT CRASH AS DALE AND HIS FIREWORK MISSES THE
EXHAUST PIPE AND SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL.
DALE
AAAAAAHHHHH!
THE FIREWORK FLIES INTO THE HEART OF THE BOOTLEGGING MACHINE,
CAUSING IT TO MALFUNCTION AND JAM, as Dale comes tumbling to
the ground.
Chip opens his eyes, relieved, as the blades have stopped
right in front of his face.
Meanwhile, the laser printer stops turning, and Monty is no
longer being fed into the path of the still firing laser.
CHIP
You came back to save us!
Dale stumbles over to Chip and unties him. BUT THEN...
ELLIE
STOP!
They turn to see Ellie aiming her eraser gun at Monty’s head.
ELLIE (CONT’D)
Or I’ll erase him right here.
DALE
Ellie, I thought we had something.
 94.

ELLIE
I am literally 119 pounds heavier
than you, dude.
Ellie cocks her eraser gun when...
SUDDENLY THERE’S A GIANT EXPLOSION! DALE’S FIREWORK GOES OFF
AGAIN! IT EXPLODES THE ENTIRE MACHINE EVEN MORE, WHILE ITS
MIRACULOUS PAYLOAD SHOOTS STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR.
CUT TO OUTSIDE:

EXT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - SAME

We see the firework burst through the roof and shoot into the
sky... It explodes in the shape of Mickey’s head.
CUT BACK:

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - SAME

The EXPLODED MACHINE’s debris flies into Sgt. Putty, shards
of it stuck in his clay back. He crawls away in pain.
SGT. PUTTY
HOLY LORD, IT’S STUCK EVERYWHERE!
The now toppled LASER PRINTER FIRES WILDLY on the ground and
suddenly HITS ELLIE!
ELLIE
AAAhhhh!
Ellie goes flying back into a pile of debris, as the laser
printer continues firing at her... Whatever’s happening to
her in that pile of rubble, it ain’t pretty.
Dale and Chip go to untie Monty.
DALE
Well, that worked out well for us.
Then, an ominous shadow appears over them. Monty sees it, but
can’t say anything because he still doesn’t have a mouth.
CHIP
What are you trying to say, Monty?
Finally they turn around to see...
ELLIE HAS BEEN LASER PRINTED ALL OVER, NOW HIDEOUSLY
TRANSFORMED INTO A FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER OF VARIOUS CARTOON
PARTS: THE FACE OF THE CHESHIRE CAT, THE HORNS OF PUMBAA, ONE
ARM IS A SUPER MARIO BROTHERS CANNON, ONE FIST IS OF WRECK-IT
RALPH, THE ANTLERS OF BULLWINKLE... AND SHE IS PISSED.
 95.

DALE
Ellie, you look good.
She opens her mouth to SCREAM. All that comes out is the
classic WOODY WOODPECKER LAUGH.
CHIP
And sound good.
Ellie shoots her HAND CANNON at Chip and Dale wildly. They
barely dodge the incoming ANIMATED BULLETS (with faces on
them, like in Mario Bros.).
DALE
Run!
They race for cover down the room as Ellie uses her Wreck-It
Ralph hand to try and SMASH them into the ground. Ellie
forces Chip and Dale into a corner, trapped. Ellie’s Cheshire
cat face, purrs with evil anticipation.
CHIP
Oh my god! I know how to get out of
this! Remember episode #218?
DALE
(duh)
Do I remember how we defeated Fat
Cat in the mid-season Christmas
special!
(then, touched)
Wait, you remember that?!
CHIP
(surprising himself)
Yeah. I guess some memories are
worth holding on to. And I need you
to do it to me. Now!
DALE
Are you sure?
CHIP
There’s no time! Yes! Do it!
Dale reluctantly picks up a metal pipe from the floor.
DALE
Okaaaaay... here I gooo...
DALE WHACKS CHIP OVER THE HEAD. ELLIE PAUSES, CONFUSED.
DALE (CONT’D)
Now me!
CHIP NOW WHACKS DALE OVER THE HEAD WITH THE PIPE.
CUT TO:
 96.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

An ANIMATED TINY YELLOW BIRD COUPLE is sleeping in bed, when
suddenly a PAGER starts buzzing. The BIRD HUSBAND groggily
looks at the pager.
BIRD WIFE
Oh come on Harold, it’s the middle
of the night. Just ignore it.
BIRD HUSBAND
We’ve been through this Eileen, it’s
my job! Do not ruffle me right now!
CUT BACK TO:

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - SAME

Chip and Dale continue to whack each other.
DALE
Where are they?!
CHIP
(woozy)
They’ll be here. Keep going.
Ellie snaps out of her confusion and cocks her cannon and
takes aim at Chip & Dale.
But JUST THEN... AN ARMADA OF TINY YELLOW BIRDS FLY INTO THE
FACILITY and start to circle Chip and Dale’s dizzy heads.
As soon as Ellie sees the birds, her CAT FACE CAN’T HELP BUT
BE COMPLETELY MESMERIZED BY ALL THESE BIRDS.
DALE
It’s working!
THE REST OF HER BODY FIGHTS THIS URGE, BUT SHE LOSES HERSELF
TO IT. Her face moves away from Chip & Dale and begins to
snap wildly at all the birds.
BIRD 1
We been duped! Scatter!
The birds all scatter as Ellie’s cat face chases after them,
leaving Chip and Dale on the ground woozy.
CHIP
That should keep her busy for a while.
From outside, we hear...
BULLHORN (O.S.)
This is the FBI. You’re surrounded.
 97.

Ellie stops chasing a bird, suddenly shocked.

EXT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - HARBOR - SAME

We see FBI boats approaching with FBI agents -- right in the
middle of them is Erik Estrada, being filmed by a camera crew!
ERIK ESTRADA
This is gonna be great TV, guys!

INT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - SAME

Dale smiles, relieved. Chip is amazed.
DALE
Turns out Estrada wasn’t actually
lying about the FBI show.
CHIP
(impressed)
How did you come up with this plan?
What episode is this from?
DALE
It wasn’t from an episode. I sort
of came up with it myself.
CHIP
You had an original idea Dale!
Ellie panics as the FBI BURSTS IN and surrounds all the cops.
SGT. PUTTY
So you’re arresting me, but Mean
Dean is free to walk the streets!?
DALE
We thought of that already.
CUT TO:

EXT. NORWEGIAN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE - NIGHT

Mean Dean, Jimmy the Polar Bear and Bob the Warrior Dwarf
bundles themselves for warmth in a delightful and snowy
Christmas village in the middle of Oslo. Carolers sing,
children play, and rosy cheeked Norwegians shop.
MEAN DEAN
(grumbling to himself)
Stupid Norway. It’s friggin’ July
you idiots.
Just then he turns a corner to find himself surrounded by...
 98.

INTERPOL AGENT
Interpol! Hands up! Eyes on me!
MEAN DEAN
Ahhh, snot.
INTERPOL
I said, look at me!
JIMMY THE POLAR BEAR BOB THE WARRIOR DWARF
We are looking at you! It’s just hurting my feelings
at this point.
CUT BACK:

EXT. BOOTLEGGING FACILITY - A LITTLE LATER

The FBI cuffs the dirty cops, Sgt. Putty and Ellie and drags
them off. Estrada, with a camera crew taping, turns to camera:
ERIK ESTRADA
(rehearsed catchphrase)
Looks like she just felt the
Estrada arm of the law.
(then, to someone off camera)
Hey Roger, I’m really not loving
that catchphrase.
Chip, Dale and Monty emerge from the warehouse together.
CHIP
How’d you put it together that
Ellie was dirty, too?
DALE
I guess you could say I’m a
stunning narcissist who remembers
every compliment about myself I’ve
ever heard.
CHIP
So you are saying that?
DALE
Yes, that’s what I’m saying.
Just then Zipper and Gadget catch up to them, having landed
their plane nearby.
ZIPPER
Thank heavens you’re OK!
GADGET
I was so scared.
 99.

JUST THEN ELLIE BREAKS FREE FROM THE FBI, she rears back her
HAND CANNON and FIRES AN ANIMATED BULLET RIGHT AT CHIP. Dale
sees it, and JUMPS INTO THE LINE OF THE BULLET.
DALE
Nooooooo!
In SLOW-MO, we watch as Dale passes by Chip just in time to
take the bullet for him.
Chip, panicked that Dale might be dead, runs to him, and
turns over his body.
CHIP
Dale?! Dale?!
Dale’s eyes open in a haze. Chip, Zipper and Gadget are
enormously relieved to see Dale is still alive.
CHIP (CONT’D)
But, how’d you...
Dale reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a METAL
POG. THE ONE OF CHIP AND DALE THAT CHIP SOLD EARLIER. There’s
a massive bullet indent in it now.
ANGLE ON: The ANIMATED BULLET on the ground, his nose smashed.
ANIMATED BULLET
OOOOwwwwwww my friggin’ nose!
ANGLE BACK:
DALE
(woozy)
This thing is too special for some
stranger to have.
CHIP
(moved)
You saved my life.
DALE
Of course I did. You’re my friend.
Even if you don’t want me as yours.
CHIP
You know for years I thought if I
forgave you our friendship could only
get me hurt. I thought I was safer
alone. But safer isn’t better. Some
things are worth rebooting...
Chip picks Dale up off the ground. They hug. Everyone else
joins in. Monty is crying. But no one can hear him.
DALE
Oh! I just remembered!
 100.

Dale reaches into his pocket, pulls out Monty’s mustache and
mouth, and gives it to Monty to slap back on his face.
MONTY
Crikey! That was the sweetest
moment I’ve ever seen. I’d cry if
they didn’t erase me tear ducts.
AS WE PULL OUT FROM THIS HAPPY MOMENT, CLOSING MONTAGE MUSIC
STARTS, AND THE NARRATOR STARTS IN AGAIN...
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hollywood. Star City.
Movietropolis. Fame Diego. The
Bollywood of the West. You know all
the names. And maybe, just maybe,
it’s not so bad after all.
As the Estrada continues, we FLOAT THROUGH THE SNIPPETS OF
LOS ANGELES WE STARTED OUR FILM ON...

EXT. STUDIO SOUNDSTAGE - NIGHT

The cast and crew of the animated show from the beginning of
the film all laugh and joke around eating together on set.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Maybe behind the lights, camera,
action...

EXT. INTELLIGENTSIA COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT

A young, lonely cartoon looks for a place to sit in the
packed cafe. Someone pushes out a chair for them, offering
them a spot to join. They sit down and start talking, a
friendship in the making.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
This is a place all those desperate
lonely souls...

EXT. SHERMAN OAKS - NIGHT

We see the commuting young executives and suited animated
monkeys coming home at the end of the night to happily greet
their spouses and children with hugs and kisses.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Come to find one another.
As we FADE TO BLACK...
CHYRON: 6 MONTHS LATER
 101.

EXT. JOSHUA TREE COMMUNITY CENTER - PARKING LOT - DAY

A SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT CRUISER sits in the parking lot of the
Joshua Tree Community Center.
In the background, we see a poster for an upcoming film: “HOOK
VS BALOO” (Baloo since losing his hand earlier now has a hook
for a hand and goes hook to hook with Captain Hook. The
tagline reads: “The scariest jungle is... The Ocean”). The
cruiser door opens to REVEAL...
CHIP, in a SHERIFF’S UNIFORM, gets out and heads into the
community center, tipping his hat at locals outside.

INT. JOSHUA TREE COMMUNITY CENTER - CONTINUOUS

Chip walks down the hall, passing a room with a sign: “CHEESE
SNIFFERS SUPPORT GROUP.” In the window he sees MONTY sitting
talking with people. They make eye contact and smile at each
other. Chip continues down the hall and turns into...

INT. JOSHUA TREE COMMUNITY CENTER - AUDITORIUM

A rehearsal for Julius Caesar is being put on by the local
community theater. Dale is on stage playing Caesar in the
famous assassination scene.
DALE
(performing)
Et tu, Brute?
Chip sits down next some of Zipper’s kids in the house. At
the front of the seats, Zipper is directing. Gadget works
nearby building an elaborate Roman column set for the play.
ZIPPER
AAAND SCENE!
(everyone stops)
Splendid. Truly. Let’s take a five.
Dale gets off stage, as Chip approaches.
DALE
Chip! What’d you think of that? Was
it a good read? Should I deliver it
more like “Et tu, Brute?” Or maybe
“Et tu, BRUTE!”
CHIP
I just got a strange call...
DALE
Is everything OK?
 102.

CHIP
It was Disney. They want to offer
us a Rescue Rangers reboot movie. I
know it’s something you’ve always
wanted to do, so...?
DALE
(no big deal)
Hmm. I dunno. What would it even be
about? It seems kinda thin to me.
CHIP
Really? I thought you’d be super
excited about it.
DALE
They weren’t really that compelling
characters to begin with. Better to
just leave some things as nostalgia
and move on with our lives.
They smile and walk off, as a song by M.C. HAMMER kicks in.
It’s a rap version of the original Rescue Rangers theme song.
THE END