Criterion Breakdown:
Criterion A: Language – 3/5
Language is generally clear but contains awkward phrasing, informal
expressions, and repeated vocabulary. Some grammar issues, including
sentence fragments and incorrect word forms, reduce clarity.
Criterion B: Message – 4/5
The message is communicated clearly. The student explains the purpose of
the letter well, provides concrete support for their request, and maintains a
persuasive tone throughout.
Criterion C: Conceptual Understanding – 2/5
The student attempts the correct text type and mostly maintains an
appropriate tone, but the structure and style do not fully reflect the
conventions of a formal business letter. Repetition and weak transitions
affect coherence.
Strengths:
The purpose of the letter (requesting sponsorship for a community
project) is clearly communicated.
The student includes specific and relevant examples of how funding
would be used.
The tone of gratitude and community spirit is well expressed in the
closing paragraph.
Areas for Improvement:
1. Tone and Register:
Use a more consistently formal tone. Avoid casual phrases like “meet
up” and incomplete sentences such as “Which would help your
sales...”
2. Grammar and Structure:
o Fix sentence fragments (e.g. “Which would help your sales...” →
merge with previous sentence).
o Avoid redundancy: phrases like “help advertise and help your
business” should be streamlined.
o Correct grammar errors (e.g. “disadvantaged youth” vs.
“disadvantaged youths”, “how we operate thing” → “how we
operate things”).
3. Vocabulary and Repetition:
o “Help” is repeated too often (used 9+ times); try using
alternatives like support, enhance, assist, contribute, promote.
o Repetition of “disadvantaged youth” could be reduced through
the use of pronouns or synonyms.
4. Organization and Flow:
o Group similar ideas together: one paragraph for funding uses,
one for business benefits, one for community impact.
o Add transitions between paragraphs for better flow (e.g.,
“Additionally,” “Furthermore,” “In return,” etc.).
Dear Filip,
My name is Khang, and I am the leader of a community project called
Disadvantaged Youths, which organizes activities for underprivileged young
people in our area. I am writing to respectfully request your financial support
to help us expand our initiative and reach more young people who would
benefit from these opportunities.
Our project focuses on creating meaningful events, workshops, and
educational support for disadvantaged youth. With additional funding, we
would be able to:
Purchase essential educational supplies such as books, stationery, and
computers
Hire professional mentors and facilitators to conduct specialized
workshops
Provide transportation for participants to and from our events
Offer healthy meals and snacks during our weekend programs
These improvements would directly enhance the experiences of the young
people we serve and foster a more supportive and inclusive community.
Your sponsorship would not only support a meaningful cause but also provide
mutual benefits for your business. We would be happy to feature your
company in our promotional materials, posters, and events, offering visibility
within the community. Additionally, your involvement could enhance your
brand’s reputation as a socially responsible and community-focused
business.
Supporting our project could also contribute to long-term community
improvements, including reduced youth crime rates, improved educational
outcomes, and greater social cohesion.
We would be deeply grateful for any support you can offer, whether it be a
one-time donation or ongoing sponsorship. If you are interested in discussing
this further, I would be happy to meet at your convenience. I am available
this Sunday at the Latte Coffee Shop, should that suit your schedule.
Thank you very much for considering our request. I look forward to the
opportunity to speak with you in more detail.
Warm regards,
Khang