By Kamron Klitgaard

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On all programs, printing, and advertising, the following information must appear:
1. The full title: Order Up!
2. Writing credit: By Kamron Klitgaard
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 ~ FOR CANDY WILDER THEDELL AND HER METAL STRAW. ~

ORDER UP!

By KAMRON KLITGAARD
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(In Order of Appearance)
# of lines
Order Up! Employees
ONE 24
TWO 29
THREE 13
FOUR 31
FIVE 23
SIX 28
SEVEN 19
EIGHT 29
NINE 31
TEN 23
ELEVEN 28
TWELVE 19
THIRTEEN 13

Order Up! Customers

A ........................................too many choices to decide 25
B .......................................hates plastic straws 23
C .......................................places a gigantic order 28
D .......................................the potty dancer 26
E ........................................struggles with the order’s math 26
F ........................................concerned parent 29
G .......................................has food allergies 13
H .......................................has a strange accent 32
I .........................................doesn’t want change 30
J ........................................has a broken heart 22
K .......................................a “waterian” 29
L ........................................health inspector 24
M .......................................sad clown 34

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 SETTING
Time: The present.
Place: The fast-food restaurant Order Up!
SET DESCRIPTION
The Order Up! restaurant consists of a fast-food counter with cups and
lids, straws, napkins, plastic utensils, a cash register with bills and
coins, etc. The counter should be set at an angle so that customers
at the counter do not have their backs to the audience. A large, very
packed menu hangs behind the counter. It can have an actual list of
the specific food items or simply be scribbles. CUSTOMERS enter from
outside RIGHT and exit to the table area DOWN LEFT. EMPLOYEES
enter and exit behind the counter UP LEFT.

iii

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 ORDER UP!
1 AT RISE: ONE, TWO, and THREE work behind the counter. CUSTOMER
A ENTERS RIGHT.
ONE: Hello. Welcome to Order Up! Can I take your order?
A: (Looks over the menu.) Wow. I’ve never been here before. You have
5 a lot of menu items.
THREE: Yep. Order Up! is the one-stop fast-food restaurant. You can
get just about anything. No need to decide what kind of food you
want before you pick a restaurant. Our slogan is…
ONE/TWO/THREE “…it’s all here!”
10 A: I see that. There are hamburgers, pizza, tacos, Chinese, subs,
hotdogs, pasta, barbecue, fish, chicken, shish kabobs, wraps,
club sandwiches… crepes? You even have crepes?
ONE: That’s right. It’s all here.
A: That’s the largest menu I’ve ever seen.
15 THREE: That’s because…
ONE/TWO/THREE: …it’s all here!
A: What about grilled cheese? Never mind, there it is. I see it. You
have ten different kinds of grilled cheese sandwiches?
ONE: It’s all here! Can I take your order?
20 A: There must be something you don’t have. Let’s see… I’ll bet you
don’t have… Hmmm… what about… I know! Aebleskivers.
ONE: Aebleskivers? What’s that?
A: Aha! I knew there was something you didn’t have. Aebleskivers are
a specialty food from Denmark. They’re round pancake ball things.
25 ONE: I was just kidding. They’re number 47. Aebleskivers. Would you
like that as a meal?
A: What? (Finds them on the menu.) Oh, you do have them. That’s
amazing! I guess you were telling the truth when you said…
ONE/TWO/THREE/A: …it’s all here!
30 ONE: So, one order of Aebleskivers?
A: You know, I’m afraid that you might be spreading yourself too thin.
ONE: How so?
A: There are too many items on the menu. Most places do one kind
of food so they can focus on making that one kind as good as
35 possible. It’s the jack-of-all-trades, master of none concept. I
mean, you can’t have really good everything.
ONE: How do you know until you try? Can I take your order?
A: Let me ask your opinion. In general, how’s the food here?

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 1 ONE: It’s not very good, but there are a lot of choices. Can I take
your order?
A: Hmmm. A trade-off. I’m not sure which I prefer. One choice of really
good food, in which case, I’d have to go somewhere else if I didn’t
5 want that food, or a whole bunch of different choices of not very
good food?
ONE: In which case, you could stay here.
A: Oh, I see you have turkey-fried steaks.
THREE: It’s all here!
10 A: I love turkey-fried steaks. I know you said that the food’s not
very good, but on that not-very-good scale, how are the turkey-
fried steaks?
ONE: They’re terrible. But they’re really big. And they come two to
an order. So, you could eat some now and then save some for
15 tonight. And tomorrow. And the next day.
A: Hmmm. It’s a toss-up. I guess I could feed it to my dog, too.
ONE: My dog won’t eat it. Would you like fries with that?
A: Funny you should mention that. I was just noticing that you
have seventeen different flavors of fries. Aren’t all fries just
20 potato flavored?
THREE: It’s all in the spices. There’s salt; salt and pepper; salt,
pepper, and cilantro; cilantro and cinnamon; cinnamon and
sugar; cinnamon, sugar, and nutmeg; nutmeg and parmesan;
chocolate shake—
25 A: Okay, I get it. I’m just not sure. (Scans the menu.) You guys need
to change your menu. Remove about ninety-five percent of it. Try a
less-is-more concept.
ONE: You haven’t even tried anything and you’re already
suggesting changes?
30 A: You make a good point. What is the “smorgasbord in a bag”?
ONE: It’s a small bite of everything on the menu—to go.
A: I could sample everything without having to make a decision! That’s
a really good idea! Or you could give me a whole bunch of really
bad ideas. Hmmm, let’s see… one really, really good idea, or
35 hundreds of really, really bad ideas. Another toss-up.
ONE: That’ll be six dollars and ninety-eight cents.
A: (Hands over money.) The smorgasbord in a bag it is, then. And did
I mention that I love when all three of you say…
ONE/TWO/THREE: …it’s all here!
40 ONE: (Hands back a receipt.) Your order is number four. We’ll call it
when it’s ready. (A takes the receipt and EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
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 1 THREE: I’m going to wash tables. (EXITS DOWN LEFT. ONE comes
around to the front of the counter to straighten it up. TWO works the
register. B ENTERS RIGHT.)
TWO: Hello. Welcome to Order Up! Can I take your order?
5 B: Yes. I just want a large Diet Dr. Pepper.
TWO: Sure. One large Diet Dr. Pepper. (Hands B a cup and straw.)
Here’s your cup and a straw. You can fill up your drink right over—
B: No! No, no, no, no, no! No straws! No straws! Are you crazy?!
TWO: You don’t like straws?
10 B: Let me tell you something. I love straws! But do you have any idea
how dangerous they are?
TWO: Uh… I guess you could accidentally poke yourself in the eye—
B: You have no idea! Look, let’s say you’re out to dinner with your
best buddies, celebrating your birthday, and you order a nice,
15 searing-hot cup of coffee, or a boiling cup of tea, or even a lava-
temperature hot chocolate. The waiter accidentally hands you a
straw, just like the one you handed me.
TWO: They’re individually wrapped.
B: And instead of baby sips, you stick your straw into your flaming
20 liquid refreshment and take a huge gulp. If the straw doesn’t melt
first, the sizzling liquid would flow freely into your throat!
TWO: That’s not good.
B: And I’ll tell you why! The scalding liquid scorches the soft tissue
of your tonsils and causes your throat muscles to wildly contract,
25 closing off your windpipe! You try to suck in a breath, but your
throat won’t open! You stand up, grasping at your neck! A nearby
server thinks you’re choking on a piece of steak. They rush to
help and Heimlich your guts out! (Rushes behind ONE and initiates
imitating the Heimlich maneuver. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) You
30 try to suck in some air, but they keep pushing it out! (Lifts ONE into
the air while imitating the Heimlich maneuver.) You can’t inhale!
You can’t exhale! You see that dark tunnel everyone talks about
before they lose consciousness! There’s only one thing left for
you to do! (Releases ONE, who collapses as she tries to catch her
35 breath.) And your resulting death is all due to that straw.
TWO: Thank you. You possibly saved a life today. Did you want ice
with your Diet Dr. Pepper?
B: Oh, I see. Because I’m having a cold drink, you think that a straw is
harmless. Well, let me tell you something! Once, I saw a kid take
40 two straws and connect them together. Then he added a third.
TWO: I’ve done that. You can make, like, a three-foot straw.

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 1 B: Exactly! Do you know what that kid did next? He slipped the end
of his three-foot straw into his unsuspecting friend’s drink on the
other side of the table. And then he sipped it down!
TWO: Ha! Cool. I think Scooby did that to Shaggy once.
5 B: Soda pop theft is no laughing matter! Did you know that if you
connected five hundred million straws together, they would make
a straw so long it would wrap around Earth twice?!
TWO: How do you know that?
B: I wrote my fourth-grade science report on things that can wrap
10 around Earth twice.
TWO: I could drink a Frenchman’s Diet Dr. Pepper from here.
B: Exactly! And that’s why we shouldn’t use disposable straws!
ONE: (Makes it onto her hands and knees.) Isn’t that just a straw man
argument? Get it? Straw man argument?
15 B: (Pulls out a metal straw.) Let me tell you something! Because I love
straws so much, I carry around a stainless steel straw!
TWO: Stainless steel, huh? Cool. I guess you can’t connect those together.
B: (Pulls out two different straws.) I also have a bamboo straw and a
straw made from the shin bone of a squid. I use them according
20 to what mood I’m in.
TWO: I don’t think squids have—
B: (Whispers.) And don’t tell anyone, but I’m also inventing a straw
that you blow into instead of suck.
TWO: (Holds up the plastic straw.) You can already do that with one
25 of these.
B: Never!
TWO: Besides making bubbles in your drink, why would you want to
blow through a straw?
B: Listen, buddy, have you ever worked at a fast-food restaurant?
30 TWO: Uh… (ONE finally makes it to her feet.)
B: Let’s pretend we’re in a restaurant. You notice a teenager choking
on an eggroll. (Rushes behind ONE.) You rush over and you Heimlich
them. (Imitates the Heimlich on ONE.) The kid spits up the eggroll,
but there’s only one problem.
35 TWO: What’s that?
B: You Heimliched them to death! (Pushes ONE to the floor.) Now
they’re on the floor, not breathing! (Kneels over ONE.) You prepare
to administer CPR! You position the head, and you’re about to
place your mouth over theirs when…
40 TWO: What? What?!

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 1 B: Have you ever seen a teenage mouth after it’s devoured three
eggrolls? Let me tell you something! It ain’t pretty. There’s no way
you’re going to put your mouth on that! (Holds up one of the straws.)
So, you pull out your… (Gestures to the straw.) …Simpson’s Easy-
5 To-Use Blow Straw! Trademark pending. And you stick one end
in the eggroll victim’s mouth and the other you simply blow into,
reviving them and becoming the hero of the restaurant.
TWO: (Claps.) Wow. You sure know a lot about straws. (Hands a cup
to B.) I think I understand now. One cup, no straw.
10 B: That’s better! I don’t want anyone to think I’m crazy. (Takes the
cup and EXITS DOWN LEFT. FOUR ENTERS UP LEFT with a piece of
paper and comes around the counter to help ONE up.)
ONE: This place is getting too rough for me. (EXITS UP LEFT.)
FOUR: (Goes behind counter and hands TWO the paper.) Hey, did you
15 read this new company policy?
C: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Hi, can I get a—
FOUR: Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can I take your order?
C: (Gives a strange look.) Uh… yes, I was just ordering when you
interrupted me.
20 FOUR: Sorry, it’s company policy. If we don’t “welcome each patron,”
we get in trouble.
C: Oh, well, that’s not a bad policy.
FOUR: What can I get for you?
C: (Pulls out a list.) I need two chicken Big Boppers—
25 FOUR: (Yells as loud as she can.) Two chicken Big Boppers!
C: (Jumps back, startled.) Whaa! You surprised me there! Okay, my
heart is racing. Alright, um… also let me get three McWhoopers
with no pickles.
FOUR: (Yells.) Three McWhoopers! Hold the ‘cumbers!
30 C: (Startled again.) Excuse me, is that absolutely necessary?
FOUR: Yes, I’m afraid it is. It’s company policy. (TWO shows C
the paper.)
C: (Squints at the paper.) It’s company policy to scream out, at the top
of your lungs, what I’m ordering?
35 FOUR: It’s for the cooks. See, they’ve already started cooking your
food, and you haven’t even finished ordering.
C: Okay… I guess that speeds things up. I also need four orders of
onion rings.
FOUR: (Yells.) Four rings with lots of tears!
40 C: That’s really disturbing.

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 1 FOUR: Other places use a microphone. We do it this way because it—
TWO: (Reads from the policy.) “—creates an exciting atmosphere for
our valued customers.”
FOUR: At least, that’s how the company policy reads.
5 C: “Exciting” is not the right word.
FOUR: What else can I get you?
C: A double teriyaki bowl with extra rice and a regular teriyaki bowl
without rice.
FOUR: (Yells.) This guy’s also going to have a deuce t-bowl heavy on
10 the grain and a single no grain!
C: “This guy”? That sounded derogatory.
FOUR: It wasn’t meant that way.
C: Look, could you just put the excitement away until after I finish
ordering? It’s a little uncomfortable.
15 FOUR: Why?
C: I don’t really want everyone in the restaurant to know what I’m
ordering—or the people across the street, for that matter.
FOUR: I see. I’m very sorry. Is there anything else we can make
for you?
20 C: (Looks at list.) Seven mini beef sliders, no mustard on three of them.
FOUR: (Yells.) You’re not going to believe this! They also want seven
slippery moos, hold the yellow on three!
C: What do you mean by that?! “You’re not going to believe this!” Why
would you say that?
25 FOUR: Just an attentive commentary on how much food you’re
ordering. It’s company policy, you know. Anything for dessert?
C: (Upset.) As a matter of fact, yes. A chocolate shake, a vanilla
shake, two cinnamon twists, a raspberry cheesecake—and hold
the commentary.
30 FOUR: (As loud as possible.) A chocolate shake, a vanilla shake,
two cinnamon twists, and a raspberry cheesecake! Talk about a
gluttonous pig!
TWO: Oink! Oink!
C: What is the matter with you?! I told you to hold the commentary!
35 FOUR: Oh! I’m so sorry! I thought you said, “Hold the condiments.”
My bad. (Yells.) Strike the gluttonous pig comment! And reverse
the oink, oinks!
TWO: (Turns around so his back is to the AUDIENCE.) Oink! Oink!
FOUR: Better?
40 C: I suppose.

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 1 FOUR: So, do you want condiments?
C: (Yells.) Yes!
FOUR: Alright! Sheesh! Not so loud. Anything to drink?
C: A Diet Coke.
5 FOUR: (As loud as possible.) After all that high-calorie, high-carb, and
high-fat junk food, they want a Diet Coke! As if they’re on a diet!
C: Look, I’ve had just about enough of you! You’re insinuating that
I’m going to eat all of this food by myself! You can see that I
have a list in my hand, which implies that I’m obviously picking
10 up a large group order, and I’m taking it back to the office or
someplace like that!
FOUR: (Sincerely.) Of course. I’m terribly sorry. I shouldn’t have
insinuated anything. Will that be for dine in or carry out?
C: (Hangs his head in embarrassment.) Dine in.
15 FOUR: Very good. You’re number six. (Takes the list out C’S hand and
gives it to TWO.) We’ll just take your order back to the cooks.
C: What do you mean? You just screamed it to them.
FOUR: They can’t hear us way back there. (TWO EXITS UP LEFT with
the list. C storms OFF DOWN LEFT.)
20 FIVE: (ENTERS UP LEFT with a paper and shows FOUR.) New company
policy—no more screaming.
FOUR: That makes more sense. Besides, my throat was getting sore.
(D runs ON RIGHT doing “the potty dance.”)
FIVE: Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can I take—?
25 D: (Dances, panicking.) Can I get the key to the restroom?!
FIVE: (Along with FOUR, watches D dance.) The key to the restroom?
What for?
D: Isn’t it obvious?!
FIVE: Maybe to some. (FIVE and FOUR wait for an answer.)
30 D: (Still dancing.) Alright, fine! Someone’s chasing me! And I need a
place to hide!
FIVE: Nope. I don’t believe you.
D: Why not?!
FIVE: I’ve seen that dance before. That’s the potty dance.
35 D: No, it isn’t! I’m just fidgety and I have restless leg syndrome!
Someone really is chasing me!
FIVE: Alright, then. Who is chasing you?
D: (Looks around to make sure she hasn’t been spotted.) My parents!

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 1 FOUR: You need the key to the restroom to hide from your parents,
and you have restless leg syndrome, which just happens to make
it look exactly like you’re doing the potty dance?
D: Yes!
5 FIVE: If that’s true, why are your parents chasing you?
D: Does it really matter? Can’t you just give me the key?
FIVE: I’m afraid we’re going to need some answers before we can give
you anything.
D: (Looks over her shoulder, still dancing.) Fine! You know how when
10 you’re a little kid, your parents are always saying… (Mocks.) …“Do
you need to go potty?” And, “Make sure you go potty.” And, “We’re
going to be in the car for a while, so why don’t you go potty?”
FIVE: Sure. Kids would rather play than take time to use the restroom.
D: Well, I’m sick of it!
15 FIVE: But you’re not a little kid.
D: Exactly! Thank you! But they’re always treating me like a little kid,
telling me when to go potty. And it happened again this morning!
FIVE: I’ll bite. What happened?
D: (Still dancing.) This morning, we were packing the car because
20 we’re taking a road trip to visit Grammy Grams like we do every
summer. We were just about to get in the car and my mom says,
out of the blue, “Do you need to go potty?” And I said, “No.” Then
my Dad says, “We’re going to be in the car for six hours. You
better go.” Why would they think I just randomly need to go?
25 FIVE: Were you dancing like that?
D: Irrelevant. So, I refuse and get in the back seat. Then we stopped
across the street for road trip treats. But then they tell me I should
go potty while we’re stopped. Why would they tell me to go potty
just because we’re stopped?!
30 FIVE: Were you doing the sitting version of that dance in the back seat?
D: That’s beside the point! You would think that I’m old enough to
decide on my own when potty time is.
FIVE: You would think.
D: So I jumped out of the car and ran in here!
35 FOUR: To get the key to the restroom, to hide from your parents,
and you have restless leg syndrome, which just happens to look
exactly like the potty dance?
D: Exactly! (FIVE and FOUR fold their arms and watch D dance.) Alright,
fine! I don’t have restless leg syndrome! I admit it! I’m doing the
40 potty dance!

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 1 FIVE: I knew that was the potty dance! I can spot a potty dance from
miles away.
D: Don’t tell my parents! Please! (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Oh, no! There’s
my mom! I’ve got to hide! Please, give me the key!
5 FIVE: Wait a minute! Are you going to use the restroom for its
intended purpose?
D: No! I already told you! I’m going to hide in it!
FIVE: So, you’re doing the potty dance, your parents call you out on it,
and you want to hide from them in the restroom, the very location
10 that could alleviate your dancing, but you refuse, just out of spite?
D: Now you’re getting it! Can I please have the key?! She’s coming
this way!
FIVE: Our restrooms don’t have keys. They’re unlocked.
D: Argh! (Runs OFF DOWN LEFT.)
15 FOUR: (Starts doing the potty dance.) Now I need to hide! (SIX ENTERS
UP LEFT as FOUR runs OFF DOWN LEFT.)
SIX: Hey, I know that dance. (FIVE cleans the counter as SIX works the
register. E ENTERS RIGHT.) Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can
I take your order?
20 E: Yes. One burrito with the green sauce, please.
SIX: Sure, one burrito, minus red, plus green.
E: What?
SIX: One burrito, minus red, plus green.
E: What do you mean, “minus red”?
25 SIX: Do you want the red sauce?
E: No, I want green.
SIX: So, minus red, plus green.
E: I understand the plus green, but why do you have to minus the red?
SIX: Because you don’t want red.
30 E: I don’t want guacamole either, but you didn’t say minus guac.
SIX: If I put “minus red,” then that takes the red sauce off.
E: So, you make the burrito and you put red sauce on it and then you
take it off, “minusing” it?
SIX: What?
35 E: Do you have to scrape the red sauce off and then put the green on?
SIX: Why would we do that?
E: You said, “minus red.” In order to minus something it must already
be present, or you wouldn’t be able to minus it. So, does that
mean the red sauce is already on the burrito, and then you minus
40 it by scraping it off?
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 1 SIX: No, it just means don’t put the red sauce on it.
E: So “minus red” tells the burrito makers not to put any red sauce
on it.
SIX: Right.
5 E: Tell me, does that burrito come with onions?
SIX: No.
E: Then why didn’t you tell the cooks not to put onions on it by saying,
“minus onions”?
SIX: It doesn’t say that on the register.
10 E: Does that burrito come with a Snickers bar?
SIX: No.
E: Do you see where I’m going with this?
SIX: (Gives E a blank look. Beat.) Anything to drink?
E: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. If I were to order a burrito with red
15 sauce, would you say, “minus green, plus red”?
SIX: No. I would say, “one burrito.”
E: Why wouldn’t you say, “minus green, plus red”?
SIX: Because it wouldn’t say that on the screen.
E: Why wouldn’t the screen say to minus the green?
20 SIX: Because the green isn’t already on there. In order to minus
something it must already be present, or you wouldn’t be able to
minus it. What do you think, the burrito comes pre-made with the
green sauce already on it, and we minus it by scraping it off?
E: I can’t seem to wrap my brain around this. Minus red, plus green,
25 but never minus green, plus red. Has anyone else ever—?
SIX: Nope. You’re the only one. You know, you could have minus red,
minus green. Would that solve your problem?
E: You can’t eat those things dry!
FIVE: How about plus red, plus green?
30 E: Green and red sauce mixed together? What would that make?
FIVE: Sort of an olive color, but it tastes like pickle juice.
E: Could I get, plus green, plus red, minus olive and pickle?
SIX: There’s no button for that. (Beat.) So, will that complete your order?
E: Listen, I’m a curious person. I need to know things. And I can’t get
35 past why you say minus red, but not minus green.
SIX: You’re starting to bother me.
E: That’s what I was going say! Fine. Give me the burrito, minus red,
plus green.
SIX: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re all out of green sauce.

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 1 E: (Gives SIX a blank look. Beat.) Then it looks like we’re at an impasse.
SIX: Not necessarily. (Gives FIVE a meaningful look.) We will now take
your order, minus you, plus the exit. (Begins to clean the counter
as FIVE comes from behind the counter and escorts E OFF RIGHT.)
5 FIVE: (RE-ENTERS. To SIX.) Can you believe it? He still wants his
burrito. (EXITS UP LEFT.)
G: (F pulls G ON RIGHT by the ear.) Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
F: (Steps to the counter and releases G’S ear.) Oh, hush!
G: (Rubs ear.) Why do you always have to pull me around by my ear?!
10 F: Because if I didn’t, you would still be in my basement playing video
games on that silly phone of yours! (G pulls out a phone and starts
to play on it.)
SEVEN: (ENTERS UP LEFT and takes over at the register.) Hello.
Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can I take your order?
15 F: Do you have an application?
SEVEN: I don’t need an application to take your order. You just tell me
what you want, and we’ll get it for you.
F: No, an application to apply for a job.
SEVEN: Oh, a job application. (Pulls a paper and pen from under
20 the counter and hands it to F.) Sure. Have you ever worked fast-
food before?
F: (Starts filling out application.) It’s not for me. It’s for my lazy kid.
SEVEN: Lazy, huh? I wouldn’t put that on the application.
F: You are hiring, aren’t you?
25 SEVEN: Yes, we are! We’re actually looking for a cook to start immediately.
F: (To G.) You hear that? They’re looking for a cook.
G: (Not looking up from phone.) Oh, joy.
SEVEN: Does he have any experience being a cook?
F: Oh, sure. He knows how to put frozen chimichangas in the microwave,
30 and he can pour ketchup right on the plate. (Pantomimes hitting
the bottom of a ketchup bottle and blows a raspberry to mimic the
sound.) He never gets any on the table. Uh, there is one small
problem, though. He has food allergies.
SEVEN: Well, he doesn’t have to eat anything he’s allergic to.
35 F: You don’t make anything with shellfish, do you? Because
shellfish always makes his left elbow break out in a rash and
itch uncontrollably.
SEVEN: Left elbow, huh? That’s weird. We do have a few shellfish
items, but as I said, he doesn’t have to eat them.

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 1 F: Oh, he doesn’t need to eat them. He doesn’t even need to touch
them. He just has to hear the name of the shellfish, and it’s all
over. Watch this. (To G.) Hey, you! Oyster!
G: (Makes an uncomfortable face and starts to scratch his left elbow
5 profusely.) Argh! Mom! Stop it! (Stops scratching and goes back to
the phone.)
F: See what I mean?
SEVEN: That’s not too bad. I guess we could watch our language.
F: You guys don’t make anything with dairy, do you? Because just
10 hearing the name of something in that food group also sets his
left elbow ablaze, and it causes a bump to grow on the top of his
head. You know, like a cartoon character who gets hit on the head
with an anvil? Check this out.
SEVEN: Oh, you don’t have to—
15 F: Hey, you! Milk!
G: (Scratches his left elbow profusely.) Argh! (Pounds the top of his
head with his fist.) Stay down! Stay down! Stay down! (To F.) Would
you cut it out?! (Goes back to his phone.)
F: See what I mean?
20 SIX: Maybe he should get a job where they don’t mention dairy and
shellfish products.
F: Don’t forget seasoning! You guys don’t make anything with
seasoning, do you?
SEVEN: What kind of seasoning?
25 F: Because seasoning really does a number on him. Check this out!
Hey, you! Salt and pepper!
G: (Scratches his left elbow profusely.) Argh! (Pounds the top of his
head with his fist.) Stay down! Stay down! Stay down! (Ballet leaps
into the air, followed by a pirouette, and ending in a pose.) Ta-da!
30 (SIX claps. G is angry.) Mother! Would you stop it?! (Goes back to
his phone.)
F: See what I mean?
SEVEN: (To G.) Have you been to a psychiatrist?
F: For food allergies? (Beat.) I think he’d fit in real well here. There’s
35 only one problem. Do you guys make anything with… meat?
G: (Looks up from his phone. To F.) Don’t say it! Don’t you dare say it!
SEVEN: He’s allergic to meat?
F: Not meat in general. Just specifically named meats.
G: If you say it, I’ll tell her your allergy!
40 SEVEN: You have allergies, too?

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 1 F: Just one. (To G.) But this isn’t about me. They need to know so that
they can avoid any unpleasantness while you’re working.
G: If you say it, I say it! (G and F lock eyes in a stare-down.)
SEVEN: Listen, we actually do call out a lot of food items. We have to
5 tell the cooks, repeat orders to the customers—you know. We do
mention those foods quite a bit, so if he’s allergic to hearing the
names of certain foods, maybe this isn’t going to—
F: Hamburgers!
G: Hotdogs!
10 F/G: (In perfect synchronization, both scratch their left elbows
profusely.) Argh! (They pound the top of their heads with their fists.)
Stay down! Stay down! Stay down! (They do three karate kicks.) Hi-
ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! (They flap their arms like a chicken.) Bawk! Bawk!
Bawk! (They ballet leap, followed by a pirouette, and ending in a
15 pose together.) Ta-da!
SEVEN: (SIX claps as SEVEN snatches the application from F’S hand.)
We’ll let you know.
F: (To G.) You hear that? Things are looking up!
G: This place is too weird. (EXITS RIGHT with F.)
20 SEVEN: (Hands SIX the application.) Better go label this “Too weird.”
(SIX EXITS UP LEFT. EIGHT ENTERS UP LEFT and takes over the
register as SEVEN cleans the counter. H ENTERS RIGHT.)
EIGHT: Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can I take your order?
H: Yes, can I get a “feel it”?
25 EIGHT: A what?
H: A feel it.
EIGHT: I’m sorry, I’m not quite getting you. One more time?
H: A… feel… it.
EIGHT: A “feel it”? Is that what you’re saying? “Feel it”?
30 H: Yes, one feel it, please.
EIGHT: I’m sorry, we don’t serve “feel its.” I’ve never heard of that.
H: It’s right there on your menu. (Points.) A feel-it-oh-fish.
EIGHT: Oh! That’s a Filet-o’-Fish. Filet. It’s a French word.
H: I thought it was “feel it.”
35 EIGHT: I suppose, if you didn’t know French. One Filet-o’-Fish. What
else can we make for you?
H: Three take-ohs.
EIGHT: Nope. You’ll have to say that again.
H: Three take-ohs.

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 1 EIGHT: “Take-ohs”? “Take-ohs…” Do you mean tacos?
H: No, take-ohs. (Points to the menu.) It’s right there. “Take-ohs.”
EIGHT: That’s pronounced “tacos.” It sounds like “tock,” like tick-
tock? Or as in, “You talk funny.” Tacos.
5 H: Well, it looks like “take-ohs.”
EIGHT: It isn’t. One Filet-o’-Fish and three tacos. Will that be all?
H: One more thing. A rill mill dill.
EIGHT: Has anyone ever told you that you have a very interesting accent?
H: Hey, you’re the one with the accent, pal!
10 EIGHT: I guess that’s true from a certain point of view. Let’s take this
one word at a time.
H: Rill.
EIGHT: “Rill.” “Rill.” I don’t know that word. Rhymes with bill?
H: What’s a bill? Like Ally McBill?
15 EIGHT: No, that’s McBeal. I’m saying, “bill.” Like, when you pay for
your food, you might give me a ten-dollar bill?
H: Oh, beal! You mean, a ten-dollar beal!
EIGHT: Ah, I think I understand. You know that nursery rhyme where
the two kids climb up to a well to fetch some water? Could you
20 say the first line?
H: Jack and Jeel went up the heel—
EIGHT: Okay, that’s enough. So, you say “Jeel” and “heel.” And just
out of curiosity… (Puts her foot on counter and points to the heel.)
What do you call this part of the foot?
25 H: That’s your “hill.”
EIGHT: I see. So, you say a long “e” for a short “i,”and vice versa.
Now that I know the rules, what did you order again?
H: A “rill mill dill.”
EIGHT: Aha! A real meal deal! Got it!
30 H: Finally! But you’re saying it weird, and I fill like this has taken forever.
EIGHT: I “fill” like we’ve struck a “dill” on your “mill” and you got it for
a “still.” Would you like to try the “vill”?
H: No vill for me, please! But, finally, you’re talking good. It was hard
to understand you before.
35 EIGHT: Once I figured out how to pronounce things, it was “rill” easy.
H: Well, it’s about tim.
EIGHT: What?
H: It’s about tim!

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 1 SEVEN: What’s about Tim? You mean my brother, Tim? He works
here tomorrow.
H: No, not your brother, Time. I mean, it took you a long tim!
EIGHT: Oh! Got it. Yes, yes, sometimes it takes me a long “tim.”
5 At least it’s just our pronunciations that are different. Can you
imagine if words had different meanings for us?
H: (Hands over money.) That would be awful. Now, can you please just
give me my hat?
EIGHT: Your hat? You want a hat? (Hands over her hat or visor.) Will
10 this one do?
H: I don’t want your food! I want all the hat I just ordered!
EIGHT: (Puts her hat back on.) Oh! Oh, I see! (Hands over change and
a receipt.) We’ll call your number when your hat is ready. You’re
number… eye-loa-vin.
15 H: (Looks at the receipt.) Obviously.
EIGHT: Meanwhile, I need to remain visible to all customers. (Ducks
behind the counter.)
SEVEN: And I will keep cleaning this counter. (EXITS UP LEFT.)
H: Finally, they’re making sense! (EXITS DOWN LEFT. I ENTERS RIGHT
20 and looks around.)
I: Where is everyone?
EIGHT: (Pops up from behind the counter.) Just kidding! (I jumps back
in fright.) Oh! I’m terribly sorry! I thought you were someone else!
I: You scared me there for a moment. Well, I would like… Um, who
25 did you think I was?
EIGHT: Number eye-loa-vin.
H: (RE-ENTERS.) You called? Where’s my hat?
EIGHT: Oh… uh, sorry. It’s not ready yet. I said it wrong. (H sighs and
EXITS DOWN LEFT again. EIGHT EXITS UP LEFT as NINE rushes IN
30 UP LEFT and takes over the register.)
NINE: Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can I take your order?
I: Can I get a Big Daddy burger with fries and a medium drink?
NINE: For here or to go?
I: To go.
35 NINE: Great. That’ll be five dollars and two cents.
I: (Hands over a ten-dollar bill.) Here’s a ten… (Digs in his pocket for
some coins while NINE opens the register and counts out the change.)
NINE: (Tries to hand I the change.) Four dollars and ninety-eight cents
is your change.

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 1 I: What are you doing? Can’t you see I was reaching into my pocket
for the two cents?!
NINE: You don’t need two cents. You already gave me a ten. That’s
plenty to cover your total.
5 I: I don’t want to carry around ninety-eight cents in my pocket! I’ve
been trying to get rid of these two pennies all day! Why would I
want to carry around a dollar’s worth of change and a bunch of
ones when you could just give me a five?
NINE: I don’t get it.
10 I: Look. The total is five dollars and two cents. If I give you ten dollars
and two cents, then you can just give me back a five.
NINE: Oh! Then you wouldn’t have to carry around a bunch of coins
and ones. I get it! I’m sorry. But we can still do that.
I: (Puts the two pennies on the counter.) Good. Here’s my two cents.
15 NINE: Let me put this money back and then we’ll… Oh. Uh… I already
closed the register.
I: Then open it.
NINE: It won’t open unless you buy something.
I: I just bought something.
20 NINE: It only opens once per purchase, and it already opened for
that one.
I: There’s got to be another way.
NINE: Only a manager can open the register for a non-purchase. And
the manager just left.
25 I: So, you’re saying that the only way to not carry around a dollar’s
worth of change is that I have to buy something else?
NINE: Apple turnovers are exactly ninety-eight cents.
I: I don’t believe this. Alright, fine. One apple turnover.
NINE: (Punches it in on the cash register.) For here or to go?
30 I: To go!
NINE: Ha! See? The register opened. That’ll be one dollar and
four cents.
I: You said ninety-eight cents.
NINE: I forgot about tax.
35 I: That messes up everything we were trying to do!
NINE: Uh… sorry. Do you still want the turnover?
I: Can you cancel that transaction without a manager?
NINE: That I can do. No manager required.

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 1 I: Perfect. Cancel the apple turnover, and here’s the two cents. (Pushes
the pennies forward on the counter.) Now you can give me a five.
NINE: (Puts the four dollars and ninety-eight cents back and shuts the
drawer.) D’oh! I just shut the till! Natural instincts!
5 I: You still owe me five dollars.
NINE: I can’t open the register unless you buy something.
I: Then let’s try it again. One apple turnover.
NINE: (Pushes a button.) Anything else?
I: No.
10 NINE: For here or to go?
I: To go!
NINE: That’ll be one dollar and four cents. (Beat.) The register opened!
I: (Encourages NINE to follow his instructions.) Good. Now, do not
shut the drawer! Good. Put those two pennies in. (NINE does so.)
15 Perfect. Now, do not shut the drawer yet! Fantastic. Take out a
five-dollar bill. (NINE does.) Excellent. You’re doing well. Now, hand
me the five. (NINE does.) Oh, rapture! You may now cancel the
apple turnover.
NINE: (Pushes buttons.) It’s cancelled! We did it! High-five?
20 I: Sure. (Unenthusiastically high-fives NINE.) Hey, how are those apple
turnovers anyway?
NINE: They are so good! They’re like the old McDonald’s ones before
they changed them.
I: You know, I think I’ll try one. One apple turnover, please.
25 NINE: That’ll be one dollar and four cents. (Takes the five-dollar bill
from I and hands back change.) Three ninety-six is your change. Is
that for here or to go?
I: For here.
NINE: (Hands I a receipt.) You’re number twelve. (Tries to shut the till,
30 but without success.) Oh, dang. Now the drawer won’t shut.
I: I’ve got a hammer in the car. (EXITS RIGHT.)
TEN: (ENTERS UP LEFT and closes the register. NINE thanks TEN with
a look, and then begins to clean the counter. J ENTERS RIGHT and
stares at the menu.) Hello. Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can
35 I take your order? (Waits for J but there is no response.) Would you
like to order something? (J tears up in silence.) Just order when
you’re ready. (J starts to cry. TEN and NINE look at each other. To
J.) Can I help you?
J: Yes! (Cries with a scream.) Whaaa! (Cries with a groan.) Ooouuuh!
40 (Cries with a blubber.) Baw-baw-baw-baw-baw!

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 1 TEN: What can we make for you?
J: Yes! Yes, you can help me! (Cries with a scream.) Whaaa! And thank
you. Thank you so much for asking! (Cries with pain.) Oh-oh-oh-oh-
oh! I really appreciate it! (Cries with a groan.) Ooouuuh!
5 TEN: No problem. So, what can we—
J: (Cries with pain.) Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! I’d like a number… My boyfriend
just broke up with me! (Cries with laughter.) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
TEN: What number was that?
J: This was our favorite place to eat. We came here all the time! We’re
10 Order Up! fanatics! (Cries with a groan.) Ooouuuh!
TEN: Perhaps a chocolate sundae would brighten your spirits.
J: (Cries with a scream.) Whaaa! That was his favorite desert!
TEN: Then perhaps I’ll just give you a few more minutes to decide.
J: Okay. (Scans the menu, then cries with pain.) Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
15 TEN: You’ve made your decision then?
J: I’ll have the… (Cries with a scream, groan, and blubber all in the
same breath.) Whaaa! Ooouuuh! Baw-baw-baw-baw-baw!
NINE: (To TEN.) This is getting awkward.
TEN: (To J.) I’m very sorry, but… you’re holding up the line.
20 J: I am? (Looks behind her without processing that there’s no one
there.) Sorry, everyone. I’m so sorry.
TEN: Listen, breakups are tough. Everyone goes through them.
J: Really? Have you?
TEN: Sure. Lots of times.
25 J: (To NINE.) What about you?
NINE: Oh, yeah… I’ve been broken up with… seven times.
J: Seven? (Cries with a scream.) Whaaa! We used to share a number
seven and sit over there in that booth! Whaaa!
NINE: I meant eight! I’ve been broken up with eight times! Eight!
30 Okay? Not seven. Eight!
J: (Cries with a scream.) Whaaa! We used to sit over there in that
booth as we ate a number seven! Whaaa!
TEN: That’s an awfully loud cry you have there.
J: Thank you.
35 TEN: Perhaps you just need time. You know what they say. “Time
heals all wounds.”
J: Time? We used to eat here all the… time! (Cries with a mew, like a
kitten.) Mew, mew, mew, mew, mew!

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 1 TEN: That’s a new one. Listen, you’re a busy person, and I don’t want
to waste any more of your… continuum of experience, in which
events pass from the future through the present to the past. So,
I propose that—
5 J: (Cries with a scream.) Whaaa! I thought he was going to propose
to me in this restaurant! (Cries with a mew.) Mew, mew, mew,
mew, mew!
TEN: Was that your dream? To be proposed to in a fast-food restaurant?
J: You know, a romantic Order Up! proposal. We could’ve gotten
10 married next to the bun toaster, and we could’ve had a reception
line over by the condiments. (Cries with sobs and a noisy intake of
breaths.) Op-op-op-op-op!
TEN: We don’t really do weddings. Maybe you should try Taco Bell.
J: Bell? As in wedding bells? (Cries every way she’s cried so far.)
15 Whaaa! Ooouuuh! Baw-baw-baw-baw-baw! Op-op-op-op-op! Mew,
mew, mew, mew, mew! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
TEN: No, not as in wedding bells, as in Taco Bell. Or you could try any
other place besides here.
J: I’m sorry. I’m ready. I can order now—really. I’ll take one marriage
20 proposal, four kids—two boys and two girls—a side of growing
older together, and one large happily ever after.
TEN: Would you like fries with that?
J: Yes, please.
TEN: (They exchange money and a receipt.) Okay, you’re number
25 thirteen. We’ll call you when it’s ready. (J EXITS DOWN LEFT crying.
ELEVEN ENTERS UP LEFT.)
NINE: I’m going to check if any of the cooks would go on a blind date
with… that. (EXITS UP LEFT. K ENTERS RIGHT.)
ELEVEN: Hello! Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can I take your order?
30 K: Yes, earlier I heard from across the street someone ordering a
McWhooper and I thought that sounded delicious. So I tally-hoed,
as it were, and here I am, mouth a-watering.
ELEVEN: One McWhooper. Anything else?
K: Hold on. That has beef in it, doesn’t it?
35 ELEVEN: I believe so.
K: I just remembered a documentary I saw on how they process beef.
It was awful. I can’t eat that. Cancel the McWhooper. How about
the pulled pork?
ELEVEN: Excellent choice.
40 K: Wait. Pork, huh?

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 1 ELEVEN: As a matter of fact, the pulled pork does contain pork.
It’s pulled.
K: Never mind, then. I also saw a documentary about pigs. Not pretty.
Maybe I’ll go with the fried chicken.
5 ELEVEN: Have you seen a documentary on how they process chicken?
K: As a matter of fact, yes. And that is why I’m trying to become
a vegetarian.
ELEVEN: Then perhaps I could interest you in something without meat.
K: That’s a wonderful idea. (Looks over the menu.) Ooh! A veggie
10 burger! What’s in that?
ELEVEN: It’s actually pretty good. They take a bunch of vegetables
and dice them up real fine, then compress them together to make
the patty. Very healthy.
K: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it had that many vegetables in it.
15 ELEVEN: You didn’t realize the veggie burger had veggies?
K: I saw a documentary on how they harvest vegetables. It was inhumane.
ELEVEN: Well, no one likes to see vegetables suffer.
K: That’s why I’m becoming a fruitarian.
ELEVEN: Oh. Is that a thing? We have a nice fruit salad. Maybe you’d
20 like to try that.
K: That depends. Does it have apples in it?
ELEVEN: Yes. I think apples are one of the main fruits of the fruit salad.
K: Do you know if the apples have been picked?
ELEVEN: Well, if they weren’t picked, you’d have a large tree sticking
25 out of your salad.
K: What I mean is, were the apples plucked off the tree or did they
fall off naturally?
ELEVEN: Let me guess—you saw an apple documentary.
K: No, but I’ve personally seen the harvesting of an apple. I’ll never
30 forget it. The sound still haunts me to this day.
TEN: What happened?
K: It was August fourth, last year. I was on my way to the bus stop
when I walked past a house with a beautiful green apple tree in
the front yard. Right when I looked over, the homeowner reached
35 up and viciously pulled the apple from its natural habitat. I could
hear the stem being separated from the branch. It was one of
the cruelest things I’d ever seen. I thought I could hear the apple
screaming in terror.
ELEVEN: But you didn’t, because apples don’t scream. They’re apples.

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 1 K: Exactly. And that’s why I vowed, then and there, that I would never
support the cruel treatment of—not only apples—but of any fruit.
I would only eat fruits that have died a natural death. So, I’ll ask
you again, were the apples in the fruit salad murdered?
5 ELEVEN: I’m not sure. Some of them could’ve fallen off the tree from
old age, or it’s possible some of them pulled themselves from the
branches in a misguided bid for fruity freedom. But most likely
they’ve been picked.
K: Better not chance it. Besides, we’d have to go through all that
10 again for each fruit in the salad. That’s mainly why I’m becoming
a soytarian.
TEN: A “soytarian”? Is that someone who only eats soy?
K: No, it’s someone who doesn’t eat fruit, vegetables, or meat.
ELEVEN: Well, we have a soyburger. I’ve never tried it, so…
15 K: Does it contain legumes?
ELEVEN: I believe that’s what soy is made off. So, one soy burger?
K: Well, I’ve heard that soy can cause chronic inflammation.
ELEVEN: And, of course, you don’t want to risk chronic inflammation.
K: No, I’m fine with inflammation. Soy just tastes terrible. I can’t stand
20 it. Maybe I’ll become a dairyterian.
ELEVEN: A “dairyterian”? You want some milk?
K: Wait! Am I crazy? Udder pulling is barbaric. “Nutarian.”
ELEVEN: “Nutarian”? If that’s someone who deals with nuts, then I
must be one.
25 K: It’s someone who doesn’t eat meat, vegetables, fruit, legumes,
or dairy.
ELEVEN: So you do eat tree nuts?
K: Actually, I used to eat tree nuts until I learned how they cause
people who are allergic to them to have an itching fit on their left
30 elbow and do a ballet leap followed by a pirouette. Besides, do
you know where cashews come from? They grow on top of apples.
So, harvesting them is cruelty to two food groups! That’s why I’m
becoming a grainterian.
ELEVEN: So breads are okay?
35 K: Wait, no. I’ve heard some say, “Man shall not live by bread alone.”
So now grains are out.
ELEVEN: I don’t think that’s what that means. It sounds like you can’t
eat anything.
K: That’s why I’m settling on being a waterian.
40 ELEVEN: “Waterian”? You mean water? You’ll only consume water?

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 1 K: Yes. One cup of water, please. I’m starving! Oh, and do you have
thick water? Thick water is easier to chew.
ELEVEN: (Hands over a receipt.) One cup of thick water. That’ll be zero
dollars and zero cents. We’ll call you when it’s ready. (K EXITS
5 DOWN LEFT. L ENTERS RIGHT with a clipboard and pen.)
TEN: (To ELEVEN.) Oh, no. I know who that is! I’m out of here! (EXITS
UP LEFT.)
TWELVE: (ENTERS UP LEFT and takes over at the register as ELEVEN
straightens up.) Welcome to Order Up! It’s all here! Can I take
10 your order?
L: I’ve been watching you.
TWELVE: That’s not creepy at all.
L: What would you do if I did… this?! (L wipes nose with hands and
then rubs hands all over the counter. ELEVEN and TWELVE look
15 confused, and then ELEVEN cleans the counter with the spray
bottle and rag. L writes on the clipboard.) And what about… this?!
(L grabs a plastic fork from the counter and licks it, then puts the
fork down on the counter. ELEVEN throws it in a trash under the
counter, then cleans the counter again. L writes on the clipboard.)
20 And… this?! (L grabs a plastic spoon from the counter and rubs it
in her underarm then sets it on the counter. ELEVEN trashes the
spoon and cleans the counter again.)
TWELVE: Can I take your order?
L: No, you may not. You see, I am the health inspector.
25 TWELVE: The health inspector? What’s that?
L: What?! You don’t know who I am?
TWELVE: I’ve never met you.
L: No, but someone like you should always know the face of
their enemy.
30 TWELVE: You’re my enemy?
L: In a sense, yes. You see, I have power over you. (Fist pumps in the
air with both hands.) I have power! I have power! I have power!
ELEVEN: How so?
L: Are you sure you don’t know what a health inspector is?
35 TWELVE: I assume you inspect health.
L: That’s right. I go into restaurants, such as yours, and I inspect it
for health code violations. If you have too many violations, I shut
you down.
TWELVE: How would you do that?

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 1 L: (Fist pumps in the air with both hands.) I have power! I have power!
I have power! (Beat.) Health inspectors provide a valuable service.
We protect the public from potential violations that could seriously
damage their health.
5 TWELVE: Is this a new thing?
L: Health inspectors have been rescuing people from restaurants for
over a hundred years.
TWELVE: What did people do before that?
L: They died!
10 TWELVE: What? Why would they die?
L: Alright, let’s do a little simulation. Let’s say this restaurant is a
saloon in the early 1800s in the Old West. You’re the proprietor
and I’m a customer. (Acts it out.) I walk in like this. I walk funny
because I’m wearing spurs. I approach the counter and I say, “Give
15 me a warm milk with cow hairs in the bottom.” And you say…
ELVEN: Why would we put cow hairs in your milk?
L: No, no. That’s not what you say.
TWELVE: It’s a valid question, nonetheless.
L: Because you just milked the cow out back by hand and naturally,
20 with your unfiltered, unpasteurized milking system, a few cow
hairs fall into the milk and sink to the bottom. But you say,
“Comin’ right up.”
TWELVE: Okay. “Comin’ right up.”
L: Come on! Use a gruffer voice. It’s the 1800s.
25 TWELVE: (Gruffer.) Comin’ right up. (Pretends to mix a drink and hand
it to L.)
L: You give me my warm milk with cow hairs in the bottom. And I drink.
(Pretends to drink.) Then I die. (Falls over.)
TWELVE: You die from a cow hair?
30 L: (Getting up.) No! I die from the arsenic you put in it before you
served me.
TWELVE: Arsenic? The poison? Why would I put poison in your
warm milk?
L: Because there’s no health inspectors around to stop you! And
35 putting poison in someone’s warm milk is a clear violation of
Federal Health Code 326.
TWELVE: It’s a clear violation of common sense, too. Couldn’t we just
use that? I mean, we pride ourselves on our customer service. Our
number one rule is, “Never kill a customer.” We mean it when we
40 say, “Y’all come back, you hear?”

23

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 1 L: (Fist pumps in the air with both hands.) I have power! I have power!
I have power!
TWELVE: You said that already. You see, if we do stuff like killing
customers or breeding cockroaches in the back, it would be a real
5 put-off for our clientele and, in essence, we would be shutting
ourselves down since we’d love any repeat business.
L: (Fist pumps both fists in the air.) I have power! I have power! I have
power! Alright, listen. I’m starting a level five inspection. Everything
better be in order. Just remember…
10 ELEVEN: …you have power?
L: Exactly. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
THIRTEEN: (ENTERS UP LEFTand takes over the register as ELEVEN
and TWELVE EXIT UP LEFT. M ENTERS RIGHT.) Welcome to Order
Up! It’s all here! Can I take your order?
15 M: (Sad.) That looks fun.
THIRTEEN: What? This counter? It’s just a plain, ordinary fast-
food counter.
M: Not the counter. Taking people’s orders.
THIRTEEN: I guess, if by “taking people’s orders” you mean “going to
20 the beach,” then, yeah, I can see how it could be considered fun.
M: (Almost in tears.) I used to take people’s orders.
THIRTEEN: Oh, what restaurant did you work at?
M: I’ll give you one guess. It’s that restaurant that decided no one
likes clowns anymore, and so they got rid of all their clown logos,
25 pictures, references. And now, when you go through the drive-thru
to order into an adorable clown statue’s mouth with a microphone
in it, guess what? The clown statue isn’t there because… you
know why? They blew up the clown.
THIRTEEN: They blew it up? With what?
30 M: An explosion! On top of all that, I lost my nose. A clown is supposed
to have a big red nose. It’s gone! (Perks up and looks toward the
entrance.) Welcome to Order Up! Can I take your order?! (Sad.) Oh,
I thought I heard a customer. But that’s your job, anyway. (Sniffs.)
I’ll be quiet now and fade into obscurity.
35 THIRTEEN: Sorry they blew you up.
M: (Tears up.) Thank you. It’s been such a long winter.
THIRTEEN: There, there.
M: How come you’re not patting me on the back in a comforting manner?
THIRTEEN: Oh, sorry. (Comes around the counter and pats M on the
40 back.) Uh… there, there.

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 1 M: You had a tone.
THIRTEEN: What? I did not have a tone. This is my regular tone.
There, there. See? No tone. I think you’re… wonderful.
M: You hesitated.
5 THIRTEEN: Hey! I’ve got an idea. What if you worked the counter for a
little while? Would that help?
M: Really? Could I do my clown laugh?
THIRTEEN: I don’t see why not.
M: (Laughs a big, silly, clown laugh.) This is great! And I promise
10 not to let it turn into a circus. (ALL EMPLOYEES ENTER UP LEFT
with full fast-food bags and set them on the counter. [NOTE: If
using a lot of different actors as EMPLOYEES, feel free to adjust the
EMPLOYEES’ ENTRANCES and EXITS as needed so as to not over-
crowd the scene.])
15 THIRTEEN: (Hands M a bag.) Call them out, Clown.
M: (Laughs a big, silly, clown laugh.) Number fourteen!
EMPLOYEES: Order up!
K: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, takes the bag, and pulls out an empty cup.)
It’s empty!
20 M: There’s a drinking fountain right over there. (Points DOWN LEFT.)
Help yourself.
L: (Runs ON DOWN LEFT.) That’s an automatic five-point deduction
from your inspection score!
TWELVE: Why?!
25 L: No hairnet, hat, or visor! Do you think people want clown hairs in
their water?
K: Actually, I’m a “hairterian” now. (M plucks a few hairs from his wig
and drops them in K’S cup. K smiles and EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
L: (Pumps fists into the air.) I have power! I have power! I have power!
30 M: (Laughs a big silly clown laugh, and then grabs L.) Let common
sense do its job. It beats being a spineless little fraction of a
human being. Have a nice day. (Tosses L OFF RIGHT.)
THIRTEEN: (Hands M another bag.) I’m starting to like clowns!
M: Number thirteen!
35 EMPLOYEES: Order up!
J: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, takes the bag, and pulls out a coupon.)
What’s this?
TEN: A coupon.

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 1 J: (Reads.) This coupon is good for one free round of speed dating
at Hurry Up Dating, the speed dating company that helps you
hurry up.
TEN: It’s time to find your happily ever after.
5 J: (Hugs TEN.) Oh! Thank you! Thank you! (Runs OFF RIGHT. THIRTEEN
hands M a bag.)
M: Number twelve!
EMPLOYEES: Order up!
I: (ENTERS RIGHT with a hammer.) That’s me! I heard these apple
10 turnovers are like the old McDonald’s turnovers before they
changed them. I’m really excited because I was so sad when they
changed them. Oh, and I have ninety six cents in coins in my
pocket, and it’s driving me crazy!
M: You know, sometimes change is bad, but don’t discount it just
15 because it’s change. Sometimes it can be good.
NINE: (Notices the hammer.) Oh, we got the register closed. We don’t
need the hammer.
I: This isn’t for the register. I’m eating my turnover the way I used
to. (Lays the bag on the counter, pounds it several times with the
20 hammer, opens the bag, takes a big whiff, smiles, and EXITS RIGHT.
EIGHT hands M a bag and whispers in M’S ear.)
M: Number… (With emphasis.) …eye-loa-vin!
EMPLOYEES: Order up!
H: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT and goes to take the bag.) Thunk yeow.
25 M: (Doesn’t let go of the bag.) I’m sorry, what?
H: Thunk yeow! Thunk yeow!
M: Nope. You’re doing that on purpose.
H: No, I’m noot! Let go of my hat!
M: (Laughs a big, silly, clown laugh.) Not until you start paying attention
30 to the way things are pronounced!
H: I will nover do that! (Yanks the bag away.) Yes! I ween! I’m the
weener! (Runs OFF DOWN LEFT.)
M: (Calls after him.) You sure are.
G: (F pulls G ON RIGHT by the ear as he plays on his phone.) Ouch!
35 Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
F: Oh, hush! (To M.) Hi, there’s something I forgot to put on his job
application.
M: Is there? I can add it to the application, if you’d like. What is it?
F: It’s another allergy. But it’s not a food allergy, per se. However, it is
40 related to food. You guys don’t have a bell or some kind of signal

26
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 1 that lets you know when the food is ready, do you? The worst part
about this allergy is that it is highly contagious. When he starts
in, everyone in the room is affected by it. I had to throw away my
dinner bell and just let him guess when dinner is ready.
5 M: It shouldn’t be a problem. There’s not a dinner bell here.
F: It could happen with any kind of signal.
M: (SEVEN hands M a bag.) Number eight!
EMPLOYEES: Order up! (E ENTERS RIGHT as G scratches his left elbow
profusely. ALL ONSTAGE “catch” the allergy, and scratch their left
10 elbows profusely.)
ALL: (Synchronized.) Argh! (They pound the tops of their heads with
their fists.) Stay down! Stay down! Stay down! (They do three karate
kicks.) Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! (They flap their arms like a chicken.) Bawk!
Bawk! Bawk! (They ballet leap, followed by a pirouette, and ending
15 in a pose together.) Ta-da!
M: (Comes out of the pose shaking hands with F and G.) He’s hired! (To
G.) You start tomorrow! (F and G EXIT RIGHT. M hands E the bag.)
SIX: One burrito, minus red, plus green.
E: I thought you were out of green sauce.
20 SIX: (Sarcastically.) Oh, we were. But we found some. We found some
green sauce, alright. You’ll really like it. (E looks in the bag and
then back to SIX, who stare back deadpan.) A little advice—never
argue with the person who is preparing your food.
E: (Unsure.) Um… okay? I guess it’s time to eat my green burrito.
25 SIX: Minus red. (E gives a worried laugh and EXITS RIGHT.)
FIVE: We better add “slime burrito” to the menu.
SIX: Already done, my friend, already done.
D: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT doing the potty dance.) Are they gone?!
M: Hey, you’re doing the potty dance! Do you need to go potty?
30 D: No!
M: (FIVE hands M a large bag of food.) Number six!
EMPLOYEES: Order up!
C: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. To D.) There you are! Your mother and I have
been looking all over for you! Do you need to go potty?
35 D: (Dances uncontrollably, contorting into weird positions.) For the last
time, no! Let me go potty on my own terms.
C: It took so long to find you, we’re going to have to eat in the car now.
M: (Hands C a very large bag.) Here you go!
C: We didn’t know what to order for you because we couldn’t find you,
40 so all this food is for your mother and me. (FIVE pulls out a huge

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 1 cup from under the counter and hands it to M, who hands it to D.)
But I did get you a Diet Coke. Let’s go. (D contorts her face as C
EXITS RIGHT. D follows C OFF, barely able to walk because of the
contortions, sipping Diet Coke as she EXITS.)
5 M: (Laughs a big, goofy laugh. TWO hands M a large bag.) Number four!
EMPLOYEES: Order up!
A: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, takes the bag, and looks inside.) It’s all
mixed together.
M: Yep, the smorgasbord in a bag.
10 A: Could I get it to stay, instead?
THREE: It still comes in a bag. (A pulls something out of the bag
and takes a bite, then suddenly starts choking. ONE, TWO and
THREE panic.)
TWO: What do we do?!
15 ONE: (B rushes IN DOWN LEFT and reaches around ONE to start the
Heimlich.) No! Not me! (Points to A, who’s still choking.)
TWO: (B rushes to TWO to start the Heimlich.) Not me! (Points to A,
who’s still choking.)
THREE: (B rushes to THREE to start the Heimlich.) Not me! (Points to
20 A, who’s still choking.)
B: (Rushes to M, who immediately points to A. B rushes to A and
pretends to perform a ferocious Heimlich. A spits out the food and
collapses.) Oh, no! I Heimliched him to death! (Looks around.) And
I don’t have my straws! (M hands B a plastic straw. B tears off the
25 wrapping, sticks one end in A’S mouth and blows into the other end
a couple of times as if performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.)
A: (Wakes up and sucks in a big gulp of air. Stands.) You saved me!
B: All in a day’s work for me and my Simpson’s Easy-To-Use Life
Resuscitation System.
30 THREE: I like that name!
A: Would you like some of my smorgasbord in a bag?
B: (Stores straw in pocket and takes a bite from A’S bag.) Don’t mind
if I do. (A and B EXIT DOWN LEFT together.)
ONE: (To M.) So, what do you think?
35 M: Not bad. Overall, I’d say there’s a slight communication problem.
Some of it’s intentional.
TWO: Intentionally miscommunicating?
M: Yeah, you’ve got to really watch people. Otherwise, life becomes
a circus.

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1 THREE: You really are a clever clown. We’d like to thank you for all
your hard work.
EMPLOYEES: Order up! (ONE hands M a bag.)
M: Really? For me?
5 EMPLOYEES: It’s all here! (M takes the bag, reaches in and pulls out
a big red clown nose. He smiles wide, puts on the nose, and EXITS
RIGHT. BLACKOUT.)
END OF PLAY

29

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 PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE
Counter, cups, lids, straws, napkins, plastic utensils, cash register
with money, large menu, receipts, job application, pen, extra-large
soft drink cup with a lid and straw, rag, cleaning spray bottle.
PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON
Metal straw, bamboo straw, white straw (B)
Cash (A, H, I, J)
Company policy page (FOUR, FIVE)
Long list (C)
Phone (G)
Hammer (I)
Clipboard, pen (L)
Eight fast-food bags: One with an empty cup inside, one with a coupon
inside, three that look full, one huge bag (or multiple bags) that
look full, one bag that looks full to the brim and greasy, and one
with a clown nose inside (EMPLOYEES)
COSTUMES
EMPLOYEES wear fast-food hats or visors and aprons.
M wears a clown costume with a wig, but no hat or red nose.
FLEXIBLE CASTING and CAST SIZE
Casting is flexible and all roles can be played by any gender with just
a few simple pronoun and word changes.
Order Up! can be performed with a cast of any size from 7 to 26. The
smallest cast requires three employees and four customers.
If using fewer than thirteen employees, it is at the director’s discretion
whether FOUR through THIRTEEN are ten unique employees or if
roles are combined rather than doubled. Maximum combining and/or
doubling can be done as follows:
ONE: Can also be FIVE, EIGHT, and ELEVEN.
TWO: Can also be SIX, NINE, and TWELVE.
THREE: Can also be FOUR, SEVEN, TEN, and THIRTEEN.
If using only four actors to portray the thirteen unique customers, E, F,
G, and M must be played by four different actors.

30
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 THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER
It is critical to mention that one should never perform the actual
Heimlich maneuver on a person who is not choking. B should face
the audience directly, with their “patient” positioned in front of them.
By squarely facing the audience, B can jerk their arms in a squeezing
motion without actually performing the maneuver.

31

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