Firstly I wrote. My story serial times and I have two main stories.
one is a story where
we moved from a rural town to new modern neighbourhood in London and then my
and my little brother go out to buy an ice creamer but we get lost then I hire a taxi to
get home and eventually I find out that we were close to our home and feel ashamed. I
will refer to this as story 1
The second one was that me and my family were invited by our relatives to their new
home in London then I was playing in their backyard with their child when we went to
but an ice cream which cause us to get lost also.
the second Vinson of this story that one was that our relatives invited us in a tour in
London then I get lost with their son when we go a local park Then we go to buy an ice
cream and we get lost and the security officer in the park Guided us to our parents
Main points that I go to a new place new place . I go with someone (once I wrote it as
it’s my little brother once as it’s my little relative) we go and get an ice cream . Then
we got lost as their conflict of my story lastly I get home (once I used that I got money
and I haired a taxi to get home however we were actually close to our home , once the
security officer guided as to home)
My original layout
Paragraph 1 : describing the setting (the place wither it’s a new city for me London as
a rural area citizen (once I wrote that I moved to London)
Paragraph 2 exploring the city
Paragraph 3 we hear the ice cream truck sounds
Paragraph 4 they found the ice cream turk after struggling
Paragraph 5 they realised they got lost
Paragraph 6 figure out a way to get back to our parent
Paragraph 7 they get back to their bartend and I feel ashamed of myself
Here the most recent vision I wrote to refer purposes;
A time when I took my younger relative out I always remember when I took my
younger relative out in August 2018 , my family and I went on a holiday to London. I
was so excited to see London.
When when reached there I saw the endless skyscrapers the lovely big bin cure and
the busy streets of London. Our plan was to explore central London and sold the
lunchtime when we had relatives in London they invited us and their new home. They
said we have moved recently to a modern housing neighbourhood you would really
like it, where it’s less crowded and more modern
We had our lunch we hired a taxi to home where when we reach there it was unbeliev-
able absolute chucking it feels like I have went to city it was there was a significant
difference as it was really modern and devoted with a nice greenery around we met
our relative they had a child me and him were playing in the backyard. I thought we
had a nice sound of an ice cream van we went to check and we we are sure that it was
an ice cream we begged our parents to give us permission.
Finally, they were convinced to allow us to go and have an ice cream. We walked and
walked in under the burning sun. I was responsible one as I was the oldest between us
so they give me the money and responsibility. We started walking towards a nice ice
cream tone and as a burning sun we walked while we go closer and closer we thought
that we are not going to catch the ice cream van however the driver have noticed us
and waited for us I shouted faster to my relative, as I don’t want to go back without an
ice cream luckily driver waited until we came and we got a really nice vanilla ice
cream with strawberry seasoning on the top of it we went to seats to a local park and
we enjoyed the ice cream refreshing ourselves after running under the burn Sly after
we finish finished that I realised that we are lost. I had no idea where we are. I asked
my relative if you can’t remember the way to get home he said I’m afraid not. I don’t
know the way to get back, he started crying about two, but I hope that I can figure out
a way to go back
Luckily, security man in the local park have noticed us have noticed my relative crying
then I did ask him to guide us back to his to my relatives home Address as we asked
you before when we were in central London to get us to our relatives homes so I really
memorise how the place is called looking for them eventually we realised that we were
literally next street of their home. I was really ashamed it was really embarrassing for
me, I haven’t been responsible enough finally, I apologised to my parents and their
parents as we didn’t ask for permission to go to a local park which just asked to get an
ice cream and then we said to our relatives and we went back to my city. This was one
of my unforgettable holidays.
This pace of writing was really horrible i got only 7 our of 40 and `I failed my mock
English gcse Exam because of this . That’s why I though of improving it significantly .