Expression Tools

Improving Communication Skills

One of the most important aspects of developing confidence in your ability to express yourself is
how to communicate effectively. When approaching difficult conversations, the following 3
communication techniques will help you communicate clearly and delicately. Using these
techniques in daily life will have the added benefit of improving your relationships.
Make “I” statements.
Making “I” statements means focusing on your own feelings while taking responsibility for your
part. It means NOT accusing the other party or directly naming their behavior. Make it about
you. Instead of saying “You ignore me when I talk,” rephrase it as an “I” statement. “Sometimes
when I’m talking I feel like you aren’t listening to me.” This is important because it minimizes
people getting defensive because they do not feel that you are attacking them.
You can start by reflecting on something that you need to address.
So ask yourself, what behaviors do you need to address that the other party did?

How can you phrase these as “I” statements?

Use XYZ or “When, What, How” Statements

Instead of generalizing with always or never, which just makes people defensive and it wont lead
to anything productive. Try using XYZ statements as they helps you get specific. Think about it
what if you had a hectic week and someone and where late a couple of times and the person tells
you that you are always late you would possibly be offended as you know that this is not the
cases. In reality it is rare for a person to never or always do something. So here’s how it works:
X: When—identify a specific incident or example that you are referring to
Y: What—clearly identify the other person’s behavior
Z: How—use an “I” statement to express how it made you feel or impacted you
Being specific will make the person feel like you are not judging their whole character,
but rather looking at a specific behavior.
For example, an XYZ statement would look like this: Yesterday (when), when you were facing
your computer while I was talking to you (what), I felt like you weren’t listening to me (how).
This sentence clearly tells the other party how their behavior impacted you and what they could
do differently.

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The great news is this technique works great for POSITIVE statements too! When you want to
acknowledge or praise someone, being specific helps reinforce the positive behavior. For
example, once the person in this example changes their behavior, you can respond by telling
them: Today, when you were making eye contact when you where expressing yourself, I
appreciated your level of engagement and you displayed great confidence.
Consider the issues or behaviors you need to address and rephrase them into XYZ statements:
Issue: _______________________________________________________________________
When: _______________________________________________________________________
What: _______________________________________________________________________
How: ________________________________________________________________________
Full statement:

Make a feel-good sandwich.

When there are negative situations that you need to address, one powerful technique is to soften
the negative by sandwiching it between two positives.
What is something positive about the situation or the person, such as something you appreciate
or what is going well, that you can acknowledge before bringing up the issue?

What is the issue you are bringing up?

What is another positive statement, perhaps pointing out past obstacles that have been overcome
or positive outcomes you already foresee, that you could bring up after approaching the negative
topic?

Address the issue by haring these 3 thing in this order. Positive—Negative—Positive. One key
thing to remember here, however, is that you want to make sure that you are praising and
acknowledging others at OTHER times as well, not just when you need to create a feel-good
sandwich. Otherwise, every time you begin to praise someone, they’ll assume a negative is
coming.

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Improving Listening Skills
For you to be able to fully express and have a functional conversation you have to able to be a
good listener.
So, first thing’s first: Listen. The good news is that many problems get resolved simply by truly
listening. Listen effectively can be a superpower.
The following is a simple 3 step listening technique that will make all of your conversations,
especially the difficult ones, go more smoothly and be more effective.

Step 1: STOP TALKING: Let the other person have the floor.

• Invite the other person to share their thoughts and feelings

• Let it be about them. No interrupting. No rebutting. No explaining.
• Maintain eye contact (without intense starting)
• No problem solving. Just listen attentively. The point of listening is to understand. After
you’ve completed the listening process, if a solution is needed, you can both discuss
possible strategies. However, often, the person will solve their own problem if you listen.

Step 2: MIRROR: Paraphrase what you hear (in your own words)

When the other party has finished sharing their thought, repeat what they told you back to them
in a summary, using your own words. This is called paraphrasing and it helps them feel that you
heard and understood.
Start by saying: “So, what you’re saying is…” followed by your summary… and then “Is that
correct?”
Then, once they either confirm you understood what they said or they clarify what they meant,
ask them, “Is there more?” This is important because often the first concern the other party
brings up is not the real issue.

Step 3: VALIDATE:

Once their message had been expressed and understood, the next step is to validate that what
they think and feel MAKES SENSE. Keep in mind, this does not mean you have to agree with
them, it only means that you express that it makes sense that they would see things from their
own perspective.
Pay special attention to how the other party expressed that they FELT and validate their
EMOTION over anything else they said. Your goal is to empathize with them, expressing that
regardless of the situation, you understand how they feel. Here are two example statements: “I
see where you’re coming from, what you’re saying makes sense” “I can see how you could feel
this way. I would probably feel that way too.”
Now, you can share and problem solve!

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After you’ve effectively listened, understood, and validated, it is time for you to share. However,
keep the following tips in mind:
• Speak for yourself (when talking about the other person’s behaviors, do not mind read
and assume)
• Don’t go on and on—be succinct, to the point, and focused on outcomes
• Talk slow to set the pace for the conversation
• Pause to allow the listener to paraphrase back to you

Additional Tips for Paraphrasing

• Put the focus of the paraphrase on what the other person implied, not on what you wanted
him/her to imply, e.g., don’t say, “I believe what you meant to say was …”. Instead, say
“If I’m hearing you right, you conveyed that …?”
• Phrase the paraphrase as a question, “So you’re saying that …?”, so that the other person
has the responsibility and opportunity to refine his/her original comments in response to
your question.
• Put the focus of the paraphrase on the other person, e.g., if the person said, “I don’t get
enough resources to do what I want,” then don’t paraphrase, “We probably all don’t get
what we want, right?”
• Put the ownership of the paraphrase on yourself, e.g., “If I’m hearing you right …?” or
“If I understand you correctly …?”
• Put the ownership of the other person’s words on him/her, e.g., say “If I understand you
right, you’re saying that …?” or “… you believe that …?” or “… you feel that …?”
• In the paraphrase, use some of the words that the other person used. For example, if the
other person said, “I think we should do more planning around here.” You might
paraphrase, “If I’m hearing you right you believe that more strategic planning should be
done?”
• Don’t judge or evaluate the other person’s comments, e.g., don’t say, “I wonder if you
really believe that?” or “Don’t you feel out-on-a-limb making that comment?”
• You can use a paraphrase to validate your impression of the other’s comments, e.g., you
could say, “So you were frustrated when …?”
• The paraphrase should be shorter than the original comments made by the other person.
• If the other person responds to your paraphrase that you still don’t understand him/her,
then give the other person 1-2 chances to restate his position. Then you might cease the
paraphrasing; otherwise, you might embarrass or provoke the other person.

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