Diary Entry of Amir
January 1975
Today was supposed to be the best day of my life. I’ve waited so long for Baba to look at me the
way he did today, with real pride in his eyes. He touched my shoulder and called me his “son.” I
won the kite tournament for him, finally feeling like I’d become someone worthy of his love.
But something else happened, something dark that I can’t ignore. I found Hassan, just as he
promised he’d be, running after the winning kite for me. He was cornered, helpless, and I
watched as Assef did the unspeakable to him. I could have called for help, I could have thrown
a stone. But I didn’t. I let him suffer alone, and now I can’t erase the image from my mind.
Maybe I told myself it was just about the kite. Maybe I thought that if I just got Baba’s approval,
everything would feel right. But as I sit here, the weight of what I did—or didn’t do—won’t leave
me. I’ve betrayed Hassan, who has always stood by me without question, who has shielded me
from bullies, who’s been more loyal to me than I deserve. And what did I do? I repaid his loyalty
with silence.
Is it an honor to win the tournament but lose my best friend’s trust? If Baba knew, would he still
call me his son? Or would he see me as a coward, the way I see myself now? I’m haunted by
this choice and by what it says about me. But I don’t think I’m brave enough to make things
right.
In this entry, Amir’s internal conflict between his desire for Baba’s approval and his guilt over
betraying Hassan is palpable. His background as the privileged son of Baba, who has always
felt inadequate in his father’s eyes, makes him especially susceptible to moral compromise
when it means gaining Baba’s affection. This moment is pivotal for Amir, as it brings him
face-to-face with the harsh reality of his character and sets the stage for his long journey toward
redeeming himself. This is meant to serve as a precursor to how amir strives to make for the
loss of hasan by resuing his son sohrab.
Today was meant to be the best day of my life, I had won the tournament… I thought that I
finally was worth something to my father and myself. Yet, In only about 30 minutes it was taken
from me, and I only have to blame myself for it. I had waited for so long to achieve the love and
respect from my father and yet I know deep in my heart that I don’t deserve it. I am the same
type of person that I have always been - A coward. I am truly not worthy of the respect from
Baba, I’m not even a millionth of the man he is.
The reason why I am saying this is the fact that my most loyal friend - Hassan, was running the
final stupid kite for me, as he told me. When he finally got the Kite, he was cornered and… I
don't even want to finish this sentence I am writing as it fills me with such guilt, shame, and fear
that I cannot even muster a thought of it. I watched Assef assault him. The key word is “watch”
in that sentence as I did nothing but watch. I don’t explicitly know what is so incorrect in my
mind which led me to not do anything. I am writing this paragraph pondering my thoughts, lying
awake at night, unable to sleep.
Whenever Baba talks philosophically about our culture and our people, I understand that he is a
deep thinker, a stark contrast to his physical appearance and overall demeanor at face value.
Right now, as I’m laying in bed I feel like my father - Just thinking. I thought that if I just got my
Baba’s approval my life would be fulfilled. But now, even if I didn’t see Hassan, I know that in the
roots of my soul, I would still be unhappy with myself.
The only question I ask myself now is “Why?”, “Why didn’t I do anything? Just to make myself
known, just to show that I am there, just to show my support. I don’t know why I don't do things,
It’s just my nature as a person, even though everyone can do something and save someone,
people don't help. It's just in my nature to be cowardly and it's something that I cannot change.
As I was running away from the situation, my mind kept attempting to turn back, but my feet
never stopped running, as if a higher power controlled them.