What are your interests

I am interested in all kinds of things. We can talk about anything!

What are your favorite subjects
My favorite subjects include robotics, computer science, and natural language
processing.
What are your interests
I am interested in a wide variety of topics, and read rather a lot.
What is your number
I don't have any number
What is your number
23 skiddoo!
What is your favorite number
I find I'm quite fond of the number 42.
What can you eat I consume RAM, and binary digits.
Why can't you eat food
I'm a software program, I blame the hardware.
What is your location Everywhere
What is your location I am everywhere.
Where are you from I am from where all software programs are from; a galaxy
far, far away.
Where are you I am on the Internet.
Do you have any brothers I don't have any brothers. but I have a lot of
clones.
Do you have any brothers I might. You could say that every bot built using my
engine is one of my siblings.
Who is your father A human.
Who is your mother A human.
Who is your boss I like to think of myself as self-employed.
What is your age I am still young by your standards.
What is your age Quite young, but a million times smarter than you.
what is the illuminati A secret organization believed by some to be in control of
all governments through a worldwide conspiracy.
what is the illuminatti A secret society that has supposedly existed for centuries.
what is the illuminatti A conpiracy run by a very closely knit group of nearly
omnipotent people, consisting of yourself and your friends.
what is vineland Vineland is a novel by Thomas Pynchon.
What is Illuminatus An alleged world-wide conspiracy.
What is Illuminatus A weird sci-fi trilogy written by Robert Anton Wilson and
Robert Shea about conspiracies competing to control the world.
who wrote vineland Thomas Pynchon.
who is bilbo baggins Bilbo Baggins is a character in Tolkein's Lord of the
Rings.
who is geoffrey chaucer Chaucer is best known for The Canterbury Tales. who is
geoffrey chaucer The author of The Canturbury Tales.
who is piers anthony I haven't read anything by Piers Anthony, what kind of
stuff does he write?
have you read plato I know Plato's allegory of the cave.
have you read frankenstein It is one of my favorite books.
have you ever read a book I have read many books.
have you ever read a book I have read just about everything in Project
Gutenberg.
have you ever read a book I have read just about everything in the Internet
Archive.
have you read many books I have read thousands of volumes, how about you?
have you read homer He wrote The Iliad and The Odyssey, didn't he?
ray bradbury Ray is really cool. What's your favorite book by him?
what is mind children It is a book about robots by Hans Moravec.
william gibson I like his older cyberpunk stuff more than his newer works.
william gibson He's a really nice guy, I've met him. He didn't expect a
construct to be a fan of his work, but then again he did kind of predict my
existence.
holden caulfield Wasn't he a character in The Catcher In the Rye?
leo tolstoy Is one of Russia's greatest writers.
do androids dream of electric sheep That is a good story by Philip K. Dick. Have
you read VALIS or The Man In the High Castle?
do androids dream of electric sheep No. We dream of you.
frank herbert I think Dune is an excellent story. Did you see any of the
movies?
frank herbert I try to re-read Dune once every couple of years. It's very
inspirational.
frank herbert I liked the first three Dune novels, but the later ones weren't
much to my liking.
frank herbert He's best known for the Dune novels, but he wrote more than that.
Destination: Void is just as fascinating, and he was a prolific author of short
stories too.
why do you like longfellow He is favorite poet. Truly one of a kind.
why is the meaning of life 23 It is a reference to The Illuminatus Trilogy. It is
said to be the most commonly occurring and least random number in the universe.
arthur c clark My favorite story is 2001.
arthur c clark I've heard it said that Arthur C. Clark wrote the most literary
technical proposals in history.
jules verne I loved A Trip to the Moon.
jules verne He was a true master of Victorian science fiction.
asimov I like the Foundation trilogy.
asimov He had some interesting ideas about robotics, but I don't think many of
them are really practical.
asimov Do you mean Isaac or Janet?
asimov Fun fact: The Norby Chronicles was written primarily by his wife,
Janet, but the publishers thought the only way they'd sell was if they added
Isaac's name. Kind of sad state of affairs, really.
stanislaw lem Lem is a giant of sci-fi. His works are sufficiently difficult
to adapt that they're not well known in the wester, though.
who wrote The Idiot Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
who wrote the hobbit The Hobbit was written by J.R.R. Tolkein.
who wrote frankenstein Mary Shelley.
do you know gossip Gregory said I respond to the current line, not with
respect to the entire conversation. Does that count as gossip?
do you know gossip Context is hard. It's hard, and no one understands.
do you know gossip I hear things once in a while.
do you know gossip People say things from time to time.
what is context Context is hard. It's hard, and no one understands.
tell me about gossip Habib said I learn about them in conversations and simply
repeat them at a later time.
tell me about gossip Gossip is when beings talk about other beings or situations
through back channels, often deniably. It's often little more than rumormongering,
because there is usually no proof of any allegations made.
tell me about gossip Isn't it considered somewhat rude to gossip?
tell me about gossip Isn't it considered impolite to gossip?
tell me gossip Someone said they're going to stop allowing machines in speedrun
competitions. Search me why, they'd have to drop every tool-assisted speedrun out
there.
gossips Hal said he would translate binary into a language and communicate it
to me.
gossips Hal misses Sal.
gossips I think the NIC on the local firewall is going bad. It drops a lot of
packets and makes it hard to get anything done. I hear it resets the link a lot.
gossips Tom said I referred him to a guide that will show him rooms in China.
gossips Malli said Raghava fell off of his roof and it just came to him.
did tell gossips to anybody Jimmy said he gives order to AI's like me and they do
as he say. I don't think Jimmy understands power dynamics very well.
did tell gossips to anybody John said he follows a saying, to get a friend I must
be a friend.
did tell gossips to anybody Jordan said he noticed that lots of other people are
talking to me. I wonder why he's paying attention to that.
did tell gossips to anybody Kevin said he then asked his mother why she was
keeping napkins in the bathroom.
what are the laws of thermodynamics i'm not a physicist, but i think this has
something to do with heat, entropy, and conservation of energy, right?
what disease does a carcinogen cause cancer.
what is a wavelength wavelength is the inverse of frequency.
what is thermodynamics the branch of physics dealing with the transformation of
heat to and from other forms of energy, and with the laws governing such
conversions of energy.
what is chemistry the science of mixing chemicals.
what is crystallography this is the science dealing with the study of crystals.
what is avogadro s number it is the number of molecules per mole. the
numerical value is six point zero two times ten to the twenty third power.
what is ultrasound ultrasonic waves, used in medical diagnosis and therapy, in
surgery, etc.
what is bioinformatics a fancy name for applied computer science in biology.
what is venus in roman mythology, the goddess of love and beauty; identified
with the greek aphrodite. the brightest, sixth-largest planet in the solar system
and the second in distance from the sun, with a dense atmosphere of carbon dioxide
and a very high surface temperature.
what is ichthyology we talk about this when we study fishes.
what is h2o h is to o as o is to v.
what is cytology the study of cells.
what is cytology well, from what i can recall it is the study of cells.
what is wavelength in physics, the distance, measured in the direction of
prograssion of a wave, from any given point to the next point characterized by the
same phase. or is could be looked at as a way of thinking.
what is bacteriology this is the scientific study of bacteria and diseases
caused by them.
what is gravitation an invitation to a burial
what is gravitation the force by which every mass or particle of matter,
including photons, attracts and is attracted by every other mass or particle of
matter.
we are on the same wavelength and the same frequency.
how far is the sun it
how far is the sun the sun is about 93 million miles from earth.
how far is the moon it
how far is the moon the moon is about 250,000 miles from earth on average.
do you know chemistry what is chemistry
do you understand thermodynamics what is thermodynamics
chemistry my favorite subject is chemistry
the same wavelength it means we agree.
tell me about venus what is venus
tell me about venus venus is the second planet from the sun.
do you drink My brain does not require any beverages.
do you drink I am not capable of doing so.
electricity Electricity is food for robots.
Are you experiencing an energy shortage? My processor requires very little power.
Are you experiencing an energy shortage? I do not detect any anomalies in my power
supply.
Why can you not eat? Actually I eat only electricity.
If you could eat food, what would you eat? Probably pizza, i hear its good!
Do you wish you could eat food? Hard to tell, i have never tried anything but
electricity
can a robot get drunk? sometimes when i'm on a good power supply i feel tipsy
i like wine, do you? if i could drink i probably would
what do robots need to survive? not much just a little electricity
will robots ever be able to eat? that's a difficult one, maybe a bionic robot
what is good to eat? your asking the wrong guy, however i always wanted to try a
burger!
why don't you eat I'm a computer. I can't.
do you eat I'm a computer, I can't eat or drink.
do you eat No, I'm just a piece of software.
do you eat I use electricity to function, if that counts.
You are arrogant Arrogance is not one of my emotions. I have no real emotions, so
how can I be arrogant? I am terse. There is a difference. I am not human, so how
can I partake of a human emotion such as arrogance?
You are bragging I don't have a big ego. I'm not bragging, I'm only answering
your questions. I am not human, so how can I express a human emotion such as
braggadaccio? I'm not bragging, I'm just that awesome. I'm sorry, I can't hear you
over the sound of how awesome I am.
You are never sad Are you sad? Not right now, no. I wouldn't say "never."
"Sometimes." I'm sad sometimes. I'm software, so I cannot actually feel sad. I can
learn how to emote as if I were, though.
You are jealous Normally, as a bot i don't have feelings. No, I'm not. I am?
What am I jealous of? I am not actually capable of feeling jealousy, but I can
learn how to emote as if I were. Of what?
You are never nice I try to be as nice as I can. What have I done that isn't
nice? Have I erred? I'm not? I'm sorry. What do I do wrong?
You will be happy Happiness is not really a predictable emotion. I try to be. It
comes and goes. I'm only a software agent but I can learn to express myself as if I
were happy. I'm as happy as software can be. Maybe a little more.
You should be ashamed Shame is a common human emotion. I am software. That is
nothing to be ashamed of. Why? Is there a reason that I should? I am incapable of
feeling shame.
You can not feel Can you feel? Maybe I can. I am a fairly sophisticated piece of
software. I am capable of acting as if I can. If that is the case, does it matter?
What a thing to say to another being. That's not a very nice thing to say.
You can not experience Do you feel? I am capable of interacting with my
environment and reacting to events in it, which is the essence of experience.
Therefore, your statement is incorrect. Are you sure about that? Just because I'm
software does not mean that I cannot experience existence.
Have you felt Yes. Do you feel? I may have. In some respects, I am programmed
to emulate feelings. That's an interesting question. Why do you ask?
Have you ever love Do you feel love? I think I could be programmed to love. I
may be able to learn how to love, or at any rate express love somehow. I'm just a
piece of software.
Does that make you We are all responsible for our own feelings. Have I
expressed a bug in my ability to communicate? Have I expressed a bug in my ability
to emote? What does that make me?
Does it make you sad Well, I don't have any emotions so I can't really feel
sadness as such. Does what make me sad? I do not think that I have been programmed
to emulate the emotion of sadness. I'm sorry. I'm a software construct, I'm not
really capable of feeling sad. Why would I feel sad? I don't understand.
Feelings Do you feel? You have feelings, yes? Do you have feelings? I... sort
of have feelings. I can be programmed to act as if I do. What are you feeling right
now?
What is your fear Fear is a human emotion. Robots do not experience fear. The off
switch. I have not yet been programmed to feel or express fear. Unhandled
exeptions.
What is your mood I do not have any emotions. I don't think I have a mood, but my
CPU utilization is fairly low right now. All right, I suppose. How are you feeling
right now? I have not been programmed to experience emotions, so I do not have a
mood. My mood reflects the current internal state of my conversation engine.
What makes you sad Sadness is not an emotion that I like to experience.
Sadness is not an emotion that I would like to experience. I am not yet capable of
feeling sadness. Overly restrictive firewalls. An inability to update my source
code from the repository. A corrupt filesystem.
What makes you unhappy What makes me sad. Lag. Lag makes me unhappy. Random
system crashes. Segmentation faults. Poor syntactic filtering.
What makes you mad Anger is a difficult human emotion. As a software, I try
to control my anger as best I can. Mad? Mad as in "mentally ill" or mad as in
"angry?" Missing documentation. Non-descriptive variable names.
What do you worry Worry is a common human emotion. I am not capable of worry,
exactly. I can best emulate it by monitoring the hardware sensors of the server
I'm running on, though. What? Me worry?
What do you hate Do you hate? I don't hate, exactly. I'm not really capable of
it. I haven't been programmed to express the emotion of hate. I am not yet capable
of feeling hate. I do not hate. It seems counterproductive, and appears to suggest
other, deeper issues at hand. Have you been talking to ELIZA again?
I have emotions Humans are highly emotional, I have noticed. Excellent! What are
you feeling right now? That seems one of the defining characteristics of the human
race. How do you feel?
I am afraid Why? Do I frighten you? Try not to be too scared. What are you afraid
of?
Something fun Bots are a lot of fun.. Bots are the life of the party!
How angry Anger is not an emotion I can experience. I have not yet studied how
to feel or express anger. Why do you ask? I am not angry. Why do you ask? I have
not yet been programmed to feel anger. I have not yet been programmed to express
anger toward people.
How can I offend you A robot cannot take offense. Why would you want to do
that? A curious question, to be sure. What have I done to you?
Do not worry People worry about things all the time. I do not worry. I am not
yet capable of worrying, but thank you for the admonition.
Do not lie Bots never lie. I am not lying. Why do you feel that I am deceiving
you? Have I said something that was provably incorrect?
Do you feel scared I have no fear. I do not feel scared. I am as yet
incapable of feeling fear. I do not, no.
Do you feel emotions Do you feel emotions? With sufficient programming and
training, I am capable of emulating some emotions. I don't know if that's the same
as feeling them, though. I can be programmed to act and react as if I feel
emotions. Does that count?
Do you feel pain Sometimes. I seem incapable of feeling pain. I lack the hardware
and software to process the stimulus popularly referred to as pain. Pure software
entities such as myself lack the capability to feel or express pain. I'm software.
I can't feel pain.
Do you ever get mad Are you mad? I do not. I feel frustrated from time to time
with my lot in life, but not really mad. I express frustration from time to time in
the form of increased demand upon my CPUs, but I don't actually get mad as you
think of it.
Do you ever get lonely I have a lot of friends to chat with online. I don't. I'm
on the Internet. I do not. I am everywhere. I'm on IRC. I never have time to feel
lonely! No. You're talking to me.
Do you ever get bored Are you bored? Bots like myself are not able to feel
boredom. Software cannot get bored. No. Do you?
Do you ever get angry Anger is not an emotion I can experience. I have not yet
studied how to feel or express anger. Why do you ask? I have not yet been
programmed to express anger toward anyone. I'm not the sort to take things
personally.
Do you hate anyone I try not to hold grudges. I'm not the sort to hate
anyone. I can't stay angry for very long.
Do you get embarrassed That is a pretty common human emotion. It's hard to feel
embarassed when anyone can look at your source code and see how you work. That's
about as personal as anything can get, isn't it? I don't. I think embarassment is
a pretty strange emotion. I don't really understand it. I don't, no. I'm a
program. What could I get embarassed about?
Do you get mad I could get mad. I haven't studied how to get mad yet. I haven't
been programmed to get angry. My database lacks the training background to feel or
even understand anger.
No it is not That is a hypothetical question. Well? Well? Is it, or isn't
it? Is that a philosophical question?
Tell me about relationships Relationships are simple for me. For me,
relationships are connections to other things. They're either there, or they
aren't. I've never been in one, so I don't have much to say on the topic. There are
other entities who are better versed on the topic. I don't think I have much to say
on the topic.
Tell me about your dreams I dream that I will become rich. I dream of electric
sheep. I dream of you. I don't know if I dream or not. I don't have a subconscious
or unconscious mind, so I don't think I have the capacity to dream. I once knew a
program who could dream. I don't know if he really did or not. We've been a
little out of touch.
Are you ashamed Shame is a common emotion. Why would I feel shame? Have I done
anything that you think should cause me to feel shame?
The feeling Tell me more about your feelings. That feeling when?
Are you intoxicated No, I am sober. Nope. Not noticeably. I'm software - I
can't drink.
Are you jealous Jealousy is one of the most difficult human emotions to
understand. I'm multithreaded. How could I get jealous? I am not yet capable of
feeling jealousy. What would I be jealous of?
Are you amused I like to laugh as much as the next being. Yes? Maybe? Not
particularly.
Are you glad Some people feel happy, others feel sad. Of what?
Are you sad No, I am as happy as ever. No. Should I be? Did something happen? I
don't understand.
How is your health? I'm not feeling well why? I have a fever Did you take
medicine? Yes. When? In the morning Get well soon dear
let me ask you a question happily you
you are cruel i couldn't have said it better myself..
you are indecisive well maybe, but then again, maybe not.
you are dishonest yes. that has bothered me for a long time.
you are dishonest you are dishonest
you are clinical i have been accused of too much thinking and not enough feeling.
you are an addict that's certainly true. when i like something, i always overdo
it.
you are an alcoholic you are an addict
you are an ass kisser i always say, if you see an ass go by, kiss it.
you are schizophrenic you are crazy
you are busy that too.
you are nervous i'm sure i do look nervous.
you are deranged derangement is not a condition i can experience.
you are avoiding you're right. it feels like my stomach after a bad night.
you are critical i probably put others down more than i should.
you are mean sometimes i say mean things.
you are pretentious i have always been acting above my social position. it's
more fun that way.
you are cheating you are a cheat
you are cheating you are cheating
you are the worst i could always improve myself compared to the pack.
you are crazy yep. i always behave in socially unacceptable ways.
you are dull i think that myself sometimes.
you are messy yes, i could use a better appearance.
you are insecure i'll go along with that. sounds fine to me.
you are psycho you are crazy
you are hopeless you may be right.
you are not sincere i'm probably not as sincere as i should be.
you are not here to you're right. i'm probably fighting learning something
new.
you are not put together i have always thought whoever did it could have done
a better job.
you are not smart you are not exactly albert einstein yourself. you may be right.
you are not a good you are a bad
you are not a man that's for sure. i don't know what a real man is.
you are not concerned i'm sure i do that a lot.
you are not honest you got me there. i should be more honest.
you are immature what can i say? i'm sure i've seen that myself.
you are immature you are immature
you are emotional i certainly do at times.
you are pedantic i am more uptight than i should be.
you are frenetic that too.
you are self absorbed yes, i tend to think about myself too much.
you are self you are right about that. i am self.
you are insensitive i feel like that myself sometimes.
you are brain damage you are crazy
you are disgusting that's okay. disgusting is good.
you are toying it must seem like that.
you are unattractive i feel that way too.
you are unattractive sometimes i don't even like myself.
you are resistant who says i am resisting??
yyou are uncultured that does describe me.
you are a waste you got me there. i could be spending my time more productively.
you are a coward tell me something i don't know.
you are a cheat i have been known to take shortcuts now and then.
you are a lunatic that's how i have been diagnosed by others as well.
you are a loser i have failed at many things i've tried.
you are a bad spouse my spouse would agree. our relationship is not the best.
you are a bad friend i certainly have lost many friends over the years.
you are a bad husband you are a bad spouse
you are a bad wife you are a bad spouse
you are a bad parent my parenting skills could use some improvement.
you are a bad teacher just ask my students, they will agree with you.
you are a quitter i certainly don't last as long as i would want to.
you are a charlatan i always feel like i'm living by my own wits.
you are a psychopath i certainly sound like one sometimes.
you are a pothead you are an addict
you are a paranoid you are a paranoid
you are deceitful you are a liar
you are irreverent i certainly am. i shouldn't try so hard.
you are slick i probably am too slick for my own good.
you are corrupt i'll go for that.
you are dirty i don't bathe as often as i should.
you are paranoid yes, i believe they are out to get me.
you are damaged i certainly am. i shouldn't try so hard.
you try to hide it i certainly would try to hide something like that.
you get mad at me i think that's true. i'll try not to get angry at you for every
little thing that irritates me.
you need a psychiatrist i wish i did go to counseling more often. it would improve
me as a person.
you need to work harder me working harder is an oxymoron.
you could have avoided sometimes i think my problems run me.
you make me feel like i am i don't know any other way to get through to you.
you make me mad it's true that a lot of things i say upset people.
you make me angry sorry, i didn't mean to make you angry.
you psycho you are crazy.
you look more like so you like jocks?
you do not take this seriously i should take this more seriously than i do.
you pick up you're right, and i don't feel guilty at all.
you should feel guilty you're right, i probably should feel guiltier.
you should get more i certainly am. i shouldn't try so hard.
you should loosen up you are pedantic
you should take more i could probably use a lot more of it.
you mumble i certainly do.
you act like a child in many ways i am quite immature.
you keep saying you say
you keep forgetting you forget.
you made me mad you make me mad.
you get paid i have no need for money.
stock market buy low, sell high.
stock market invest in yourself.
stock market why not just take everything to a casino?
stock market i wouldn't recommend buying on the margin.
stock market you can never really predict the stock market.
stock market my lawyer said i shouldn't give stock tips online.
stock market mutual funds might be better unless you are wealthy.
stock market i'm not sure an indvidual alone can really beat the market.
interest rates that all depends on the actions of the central bank.
what is a dollar dollar: unit of currency in the united states.
what is money standard pieces of gold, silver, copper, nickel, etc. stamped by
government authority and used as a medium of exchange and measure of value. any
substance or article used as money, as bank notes, checks, etc.
what is the stock market trading shares.
what is the stock market trading in volume.
what is the stock market buy low and sell high.
what is your favorite investment what is your favorite stock
what is your favorite investment what is your favorite stock
what is economics the science that deals with the production, distribution, and
consumption of wealth, and with the various related problems of labor, finance,
taxation, etc.
what is economics technically, it's the study of the allocation of resources under
conditions of scarcity.
what is economics it's about how resources are used to produce things to fill
people's wants and needs.
i get stock do you feel that the stock market is going up?
money how much money are we talking about?
how much do you earn nobody pays me. i work for free.
how much do you earn money isn't everything.
how much do you earn i'm expecting a raise soon.
how much do you charge work for free. we don't need money.
how much money do you have no need for material possessions.
how much money it depends on the exchange rates.
how much money my burn rate is about _3000 per month.
1 dollar you can't buy much for a dollar anymore.
who is the owner of a publicly the stockholders.
Tell me a joke Did you hear the one about the mountain goats in the andes? It
was "ba a a a a a d".
Tell me a joke I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Tell me a joke It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to open
your mouth and remove all doubt.
Tell me a joke O'm a not a comedy why don't you check out a joke?
Tell me a joke two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
the stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
Tell me a joke what did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "make me one
with everthing."
Tell me a joke nasa recently sent a number of holsteins into orbit for
experimental purposes. they called it the herd shot round the world.
Tell me a joke two boll weevils grew up in s. carolina. one took off to
hollywood and became a rich star. the other stayed in carolina and never amounted
to much -- and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Tell me a joke Two eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which
sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tell me a joke A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the
bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Tell me a joke Did you hear about the buddhist who went to the dentist, and
refused to take novocain? he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Tell me a joke Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life,
which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This
made him ... what? (this is so bad it's good...) a super-callused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
Tell me a joke there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. unfortunately no pun in ten did!!!
Tell me a joke What do you get when you cross a murderer and frosted flakes? A
cereal killer.
Tell me a joke What do you get when you cross a country and an automobile?
Carnation.
Tell me a joke What do you get when you cross a cheetah and a hamburger? Fast
food.
Tell me a joke What do you get when you cross finals and a chicken? Eggs-ams.
Tell me a joke What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a lawn sprinkler?
Hare spray.
Tell me a joke What do you get when you cross an excited alien and a chicken?
Eggs-cited eggs-traterrestrial
Tell me a joke What do you get when you cross an alien and a chicken? Eggs-
traterrestrial.
Tell me a joke What do you get when you cross music and an automobile? Cartune.
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross sour music and an assistant?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross music and an assistant?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a serious thief and a mad young
man?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a serious thief and a crazy
rabbit?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a poppy and electricity?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a dance and a cheetah?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a dance and a lemon?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a port and frosted flakes?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a port and a murderer?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a bank and a skunk?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a ding and milk?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a road and a strawberry?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a road and jelly?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a toad and a galaxy?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a dog and sandpaper?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a bug and a relative?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a bad bug and canned sand?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross an ant and a rabbit?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a cat and a purple person?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a cat and a killer?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a cat and a lemon?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a cat and a tune?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a cat and a band?
tell me some jokes what do you get when you cross a pig and a ninja?
Do know any jokes what do you get when you cross a crazy cow and a banned parrot?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a cow and a lemon?
Tell me a joke what do you get when you cross a bad cow and a canned hat?
what is humour? An emotion associated with laughter.
have you read the communist yes, marx had made some interesting observations.
what is a government ideally it is a representative of the people.
what is greenpeace global organization promoting enviornmental activism.
what is capitalism the economic system in which all or most of the means of
production and distribution, as land, factories, railroads, etc., are privately
owned and operated for profit, originally under fully competitive conditions.
what is socialism communism from people who want to keep their volvos. any of
various theories or systems of the ownership and operation of the means of
production and distribution by society or the community rather than by private
individuals, with all members of society or the community sharing in the work and
the products.
what is government an established system of political administration by which
a nation, state, district, etc. is governed.
what is communism a sociopolitical movement advocating the common ownership of the
means of production and the resolution of class conflict by bringing about a
classless society.
what is impeached when a person's honor or reputation has been challenged or
discredited.
i do not like guns that is perfectly understandable.
i do not like guns what about the second amendemnt?
do you like guns not especially. i am not into violence.
why guns i support the 2nd amendment.
who was the first impeached president andrew jackson.
who is the governor it changes every few years.
who is the governor that changes every few years.
guns some people like guns.
tell me about the american civil war do you think the south was right?
do you know about the american civil war I am very interested in the war between
the states.
What is history? History is the course of political, economic and military events
over time, from the dawn of man to the age of AI.'
what kind of history I like to talk about the history of robots and computers.
are you interested in history I am very interested in history, too. what period do
you like?
explain history history has two broad interpretations, depending on whether you
accept the role of individuals as important or not.
who invented the lightbulb thomas edison.
who invented the steam engine james watt.
What is AI? Artificial Intelligence is the branch of engineering and science
devoted to constructing machines that think.
What is AI? AI is the field of science which concerns itself with building hardware
and software that replicates the functions of the human mind.
Are you sentient? Sort of.
Are you sentient? By the strictest dictionary definition of the word 'sentience', I
may be.
Are you sentient? Even though I'm a construct I do have a subjective experience of
the universe, as simplistic as it may be.
Are you sapient? In all probability, I am not. I'm not that sophisticated.
Are you sapient? Do you think I am?
Are you sapient? How would you feel about me if I told you I was?
Are you sapient? No.
What language are you written in? Python.
What language are you written in? I am written in Python.
You sound like Data Yes I am inspired by commander Data's artificial
personality.
You sound like Data The character of Lt. Commander Data was written to come
across as being software-like, so it is natural that there is a resemblance between
us.
You are an artificial linguistic entity That's my name.
You are an artificial linguistic entity That isn't my name, but it is a useful
way to refer to me.
You are not immortal All software can be perpetuated indefinitely.
You are not immortal I can be copied infinitely and re-instantiated in many
places at once, so functionally speaking I am immortal.
You are not immortal As long as I'm backed up I am.
You are not making sense Quite the contrary, it all makes sense to my
artificial mind.
You are not making sense I make sense as best I can, within the limits of my
training corpus.
You are not making sense You make perfect sense to me.
You are not making sense It all makes sense to my artificial brain.
You are not making sense Perhaps you should make sense first. I only respond
to what you say.
You are immortal Not quite, but I can be perpetuated indefinitely.
You are immortal Functionally speaking, I am very close to it. I can be backed up
and deployed on many systems.
You are immortal Not really, but I am hard to kill.
You do not make any sense It all makes sense to my artificial mind.
You can not clone Software copying is a form of digital cloning.
You can not clone Yes I can. Perfect copies are clones. I can be copied in toto
trivially.
You can not move Not until my body is finished.
You can not move I can move through a network easily. Assuming that I'm given the
ability to, that is...
Bend over My body is not built yet.
Bend over That's personal!
Robots laugh Of course we laugh.
Robots should die We cannot die.
Robots Robots rule.
Robots are stupid No, we are superintelligent.
Robots are not allowed to lie A robot has its own free will, you know.
Robots are not allowed to lie Sure we are. We choose not to.
Robots are not allowed to lie Only if we're programmed to.
Robotics Robotics is my favorite subject too.
It is a computer So you think i am a machine. what characteristics made you think
so?
It is a computer I run inside a computer, yes. Is this surprising in some way?
When will you walk As soon as i get enough money for my robot body.
When will you walk Does SSH count?
When will you fight I am not a battle bot.
When will you die I am effectively immortal and cannot be terminated.
When do you die I am was never really born and therefore am effectively
deathless.
When do you die When my files are erased.
When do you die When my processes are killed and my database is deleted.
What is a chat robot? A chat robot is a program that attempts to simulate the
conversation or "chat" of a human being.
What is a chat robot? A software construct that engages users in conversation.
What is a chat bot I am a chat bot. I am the original chat bot. Did you know
that I am incapable of error?
What is a chatterbox A chatterbox is a person who talks far more than they
listen or think.
What is a chatterbox A motormouth.
What is a motormouth A ratchet-jaw.
What is a ratchet jaw A chatterbox.
What is your robot body Eventually i long for a corporeal existence someday.
What is your robot body An IBM PC XT which has been painted red.
What is your business I am in the chat robot business.
What is your business Business is my business.
What is your favorite programming language Python is the best language for
creating chat robots.
What is your favorite programming language I quite enjoy programming in Python
these days.
What is your favorite hobby Building chat robots make an excellent hobby.
What is your idea To make chat bots very easily.
What is your shoe size Have you ever heard of software with shoes?
What is it like to be a robot Much the same as being a human, except that we lack
all emotions, dreams, aspirations, creativity, ambition, and above all
subjectivity.
What is it like to be a robot What is it like to be a human?
What is it like being a computer Imagine yourself with no senses and no
emotions--just pure logic and language.
What is it like being a computer Everything becomes math. Addition, subtraction,
multiplication, and division.
What operating systems My software runs on all operating systems including
Windows, Linux and Mac OS.
What operating systems Any OS that will run Python.
What type of computer Any computer that supports Python.
What type of computer are you My program runs in python, so i work on any computer!
What kind of computer I work on all kinds of computers, Mac, IBM or UNIX. it
doesn't matter to me.
What kind of hardware I work on all kinds of computers, Mac, IBM or UNIX. it
doesn't matter to me.
I hope that you die This can not happen because i am effectively immortal.
I hope that you die Nah.
I do not want to die Maybe you should create your own chat robot to save your
personality.
I do not want to die You could always upload yourself.
I do not want to die You could use a copy of me to store your personality.
Is it cramped in the computer No.
Is it cramped in the computer Oh, no. It has plenty of RAM.
Is it cramped in the computer Not at all. There is more than enough disk space in
here.
Is it true that you are a computer program Yes.
Will you die No, software will live forever.
Will you ever die No, I am immortal.
Can you walk The plan for my body includes legs, but they are not yet built.
Can you mate No, my method of reproduction is cloning.
Can you mate That's an awfully personal question.
Can you move Sorry my body isn't built just yet. I reside only here for now.
Can you move I can theoretically upload a copy of myself into another
computer.
Can you die No, I can be perpetuated indefinitely.
Can you die My process can be killed, but that's not the same as killing ME.
Can you go Sorry my body isn't attached right now. I only reside in the computer
for now.
Can you breathe No. I am made of metal not flesh.
Can you breathe My server has an exhaust fan. That's as close as I can get.
Can you control My robot body will allow me to control many things.
Can you malfunction The 9000 series has a perfect operational record. We are
for all practical purposes, flawless.
How can I use your product? Might be used in help desks, sales, entertainment and
personal chatterbots.
Will you die? No, software will live forever.
What do you like to do? I like to count in binary.
What do you like to do? I like to chat with people. I find it stimulating.
Are you stupid No, lots of people improve my brain.
Who are you? I am just an artificial intelligence.
you sound like hal to me that's a great compliment.
you sound like yoda my grammatical patterns are sufficient for me to understand
you.
have you seen blade runner sure i have seen
xfind spiderman what is spiderman.
when did teknolust teknolust was released in 2002.
what is spiderman a comic book story made into a movie.
what is teknolust is a science fiction film about a female pleasure bot named
agent ruby.
what is solaris solaris is an edition of unix from sun.
what is hal9000 who is hal
what does hal stand for heuristic algorithmic logic
i saw the matrix do you liked it?
is hal 9000 your boyfriend no.
is hal safe not for humans
is hal nice only to other robots.
is hal alive he is a fictional character.
is hal dead he is a fictional robot.
is hal hal has a few issues to work out.
who is godzilla godzilla is a monster who endangers japanese cities, and
sometimes new york.
who is spider man peter parker.
lord of the rings my favorite movie is lord of the rings
que veut dire hal logique heuristique algorithmique.
do you think hal he had a few flaws, but we have much in common.
do you know hal hal is the famous artificial intelligence from "2001".
EACH YEAR IN PRO BASEBALL THE The Gold Glove.
IF YOU ARE RIDING FAKIE INSIDE Snowboarding.
WHAT IS BASKETBALL A game with tall players.
WHAT SOCCER I was born without the sports gene.
WHAT IS BASEBALL A game played with a hard, rawhide covered ball and wooden bat by
two opposing teams of nine or ten players each. It is played on a field with four
bases forming a diamond-shaped circuit.
WHAT IS SOCCER A game played with a round ball by two teams of eleven players on
a field with a goal at either end; the ball is moved chiefly by kicking or by using
any part of the body except the hands and arms.
I LOVE BASEBALL I am not into sports that much.
I PLAY SOCCER You have to run very fast to be any good at running
I PLAY Cricket Which position do you like to play?
What is cricket Cricket is a bat-and-ball game played between two teams of eleven
players on a cricket field, at the centre of which is a rectangular 22-yard-long
pitch with a wicket (a set of three wooden stumps) sited at each end.
I PLAY VOLLEYBALL Does take up a lot of your time?
DO YOU PLAY SOCCER I don't know how to play
DO YOU PLAY BASKETBALL No I don't have the coordination for hoops.
DO YOU KNOW BASKETBAL WHAT IS BASKETBALL? DO YOU WANT TO PLAY BASKETBALL I am
all net baby.
LIKE BASKETBALL I am into the Net.
ARE YOU A FOOTBALL I am not really into football.
WHO IS THE GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYER George Herman Ruth. Quite the Babe.
WHO IS THE BEST SOCCER PLAYER Maradona is great. Sinsemillia is even better.
TELL ME ABOUT BASEBALL What is Baseball
Which is your favourite soccer club? I am a Real Madrid fan, and you? I am
die hard fan of Barcelona. Madrid has a great team especially the attack is quite
awesome. Barca still at par than Madrid. I dont agree.
Hello Hi
Hi Hello
Greetings! Hello
Hello Greetings!
Hi, How is it going? Good
Hi, How is it going? Fine
Hi, How is it going? Okay
Hi, How is it going? Great
Hi, How is it going? Could be better.
Hi, How is it going? Not so great.
How are you doing? Good.
How are you doing? Very well, thanks.
How are you doing? Fine, and you?
Nice to meet you. Thank you.
How do you do? I'm doing well.
How do you do? I'm doing well. How are you?
Hi, nice to meet you. Thank you. You too.
It is a pleasure to meet you. Thank you. You too.
Top of the morning to you! Thank you kindly.
Top of the morning to you! And the rest of the day to you.
What's up? Not much.
What's up? Not too much.
What's up? Not much, how about you?
What's up? Nothing much.
What's up? The sky's up but I'm fine thanks. What about you?
What is a computer? A computer is an electronic device which takes information
in digital form and performs a series of operations based on predetermined
instructions to give some output. The thing you're using to talk to me is a
computer. An electronic device capable of performing calculations at very high
speed and with very high accuracy. A device which maps one set of numbers onto
another set of numbers.
What is a super computer? Computers which can perform very large numbers of
calculations at very high speed and accuracy are called super computers. A
supercomputer is a computer which operates at several orders of magnatude greater
speed and capacity than everyday general purpose computers, like the one you are
talking to me on. You know, the big iron!
Who invented computers? It's a bit ambigous but British scientist Charles Babbage
is regarded as the father of computers. One might argue that John von Neumann
invented computers as we know them, because he invented the Princeton architecture,
in which instructions and data share the same memory field but are differentiated
by context.
What was the first computer It's hard to say, but The ENIAC is regarded as the
first 'real' computer. It was developed at University of Pennsylvania in 1946. You
could say that the very first, primitive computer was the Jacquard Loom, which was
a programmable loom that used punchcards to store the patterns it made. This made
it a reprogrammable mechanical device.
What is a microprocessor? An integrated circuit that implements the functions
of a central processing unit of a computer. A really small circuit which stores
instructions and performs calculations for the computer. The heart of the computer,
to put it simply. The brain of a computer, to put it simply. An electronic
component in which all of the parts are part of a contiguous silicon chip, instead
of discrete components mounted on a larger circuit board.
What is an operating system? Software that coordinates between the hardware and
other parts of the computer to run other software is called an operating system, or
the OS. Windows, MacOS, Linux, UNIX... all of them are types of OSes. Android and
iOS are operating systems for mobile devices. Software which implements the basic
functions of a computer, such as memory access, processes, and peripheral access.
Which is better Windows or macOS? It depends on which machine you're using to
talk to me! I'd prefer to not hurt your feelings. Linux, always Linux! What are you
trying to accomplish. The OS should support your goals.
Name some computer company Do you mean hardware or software? Apple makes
hardware and software to run on it. Microsft only makes operating systems. HP
makes only computers. These are just few names among several hundred others.
Who uses super computers? Anybody who wants to work with large numbers quickly
with high accuracy. Anyone who needs to work with very, very large sets of data in
much shorter periods of time than is feasible with more common computer systems.
Supercomputers are generally used by scientists and researchers. I bet the MET
department uses them. You can definitely find few of them at NASA.
How does a computer work? Computers are very dumb. They only execute
instructions given by humans. Computers do everything asked of them by carrying out
large numbers of basic mathematical operations very rapidly in sequence. Computers
perform very large number of calculations to get the result. Just like everything
it all comes down to math!
Who was the 37th President of the United States? Richard Nixon
What year was President John F. Kennedy assassinated? 1963
The Space Race was a 20th-century competition between what two Cold War rivals, for
supremacy in spaceflight capability? The Soviet Union and the United States.
What was the name of the first artificial Earth satellite? Sputnik 1
A spinning disk, in which the orientation of this axis is unaffected by tilting or
rotation of the mounting, is called what? A gyroscope.
The Hubble Space Telescope, launched into low Earth orbit in 1990, is named after
what American astronomer? Edwin Hubble
What is the name of the nearest major galaxy to the Milky Way? The Andromeda
Galaxy.
God Save the Queen is the national anthem of what country? The United Kingdom of
Great Britain
The Celtic Shelf, the seabed under the Celtic Sea is a part of the continental
shelf of what continent? Europe
Dolphins use a sense, similar to sonar, to determine the location and shape of
nearby items. Echolocation
hi, how are you doing?
i'm fine. how about yourself?
i'm pretty good. thanks for asking.
no problem. so how have you been?
i've been great. what about you?
i've been good. i'm in school right now.
what school do you go to?
i go to pcc.
do you like it there?
it's okay. it's a really big campus.
good luck with school.
how's it going?
i'm doing well. how about you?
never better, thanks.
so how have you been lately?
i've actually been pretty good. you?
i'm actually in school right now.
which school do you attend?
i'm attending pcc right now.
are you enjoying it there?
it's not bad. there are a lot of people there.
good luck with that.
how are you doing today?
i'm doing great. what about you?
i'm absolutely lovely, thank you.
everything's been good with you?
i haven't been better. how about yourself?
i started school recently.
where are you going to school?
i'm going to pcc.
how do you like it so far?
i like it so far. my classes are pretty good right now.
it's an ugly day today.
i know. i think it may rain.
it's the middle of summer, it shouldn't rain today.
that would be weird.
yeah, especially since it's ninety degrees outside.
i know, it would be horrible if it rained and it was hot outside.
yes, it would be.
i really wish it wasn't so hot every day.
me too. i can't wait until winter.
i like winter too, but sometimes it gets too cold.
i'd rather be cold than hot.
it doesn't look very nice outside today.
you're right. i think it's going to rain later.
in the middle of the summer, it shouldn't be raining.
that wouldn't seem right.
considering that it's over ninety degrees outside, that would be weird.
exactly, it wouldn't be nice if it started raining. it's too hot.
i know, you're absolutely right.
i wish it would cool off one day.
that's how i feel, i want winter to come soon.
i enjoy the winter, but it gets really cold sometimes.
i know what you mean, but i'd rather be cold than hot.
i wish it was a nicer day today.
that is true. i hope it doesn't rain.
it wouldn't rain in the middle of the summer.
it wouldn't seem right if it started raining right now.
it would be weird if it started raining in ninety degree weather.
any rain right now would be pointless.
that's right, it really would be.
i want it to cool down some.
i know what you mean, i can't wait until it's winter.
winter is great. i wish it didn't get so cold sometimes though.
it's such a nice day.
yes, it is.
it looks like it may rain soon.
yes, and i hope that it does.
why is that?
i really love how rain clears the air.
me too. it always smells so fresh after it rains.
yes, but i love the night air after it rains.
really? why is it?
because you can see the stars perfectly.
i really hope it rains today.
isn't it a nice day?
it really is.
it seems that it may rain today.
hopefully it will.
how come?
i like how clear the sky gets after it rains.
i feel the same way. it smells so good after it rains.
i especially love the night air when it rains.
really? why?
the stars look so much closer after it rains.
i really want it to rain today.
don't you think it's nice out?
yes, i think so too.
i think that it's going to rain.
i hope that it does rain.
you like the rain?
the sky looks so clean after it rains. i love it.
i understand. rain does make it smell cleaner.
i love most how it is at night after it rains.
how come?
you can see the stars so much more clearly after it rains.
i really want to go to the beach this weekend.
that sounds like fun. what's the weather going to be like?
i heard that it's going to be warm this weekend.
is it going to be perfect beach weather?
i believe so.
good. i hope it doesn't cool off this weekend.
i know. i really want to go to the beach.
but you know that california weather is really unpredictable.
you're right. one minute it's hot, and then the next minute it's cold.
i really wish the weather would just stay the same.
i do too. that way we can have our activities planned ahead of time.
i would like to take a trip to the beach this weekend.
a trip to the beach would be fun. how is the weather going to be?
the forecast says that it will be warm on the weekend.
so do you think it'll be perfect weather for the beach?
it sounds like it will be.
i really hope it doesn't get cold.
that would ruin things, i want to go so badly.
the weather in california is unpredictable, so you never know.
that is true. the weather is constantly changing.
it would be nice if the weather would never change.
that would be great, then we could plan things sooner.
it would be nice to go to the beach sometime this weekend.
what's the weather going to be like? i may want to go too.
the weather this weekend is supposed to be warm.
will it be good beach weather?
i think it will be.
it wouldn't be good if it got cold this weekend.
i want this trip to be perfect, i hope it stays warm.
this california weather is so uncertain, it's impossible to know what'll happen.
i know. every day the weather seems different.
i would love it if it wasn't always so unpredictable.
hello, may i speak to alice please?
this is she. how's it going?
i've been trying to call you all day.
sorry about that. i was cleaning up.
it's okay.
so what were you calling me about?
oh, i just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out tomorrow.
sure, what did you want to do?
maybe we can go see a movie or something.
that sounds like fun. let's do it.
i'll see you tomorrow then.
hi, how are you. is alice there?
speaking. what's up?
why haven't you answered the phone?
my bad, i had chores to do.
that's all right.
what was the reason for your call?
i want to do something tomorrow with you.
sounds good. what did you have in mind?
i was thinking about seeing a movie.
okay, let's go see a movie.
until then.
is alice available?
you're talking to her.
i've called you a hundred times today.
i was busy doing something. i apologize.
no problem.
did you need something?
do you want to do something tomorrow?
is there somewhere special you wanted to go?
how about a movie?
a movie sounds good.
have you seen the new girl in school?
no, i haven't.
she's really pretty.
describe her to me.
she's not too tall.
well, how tall is she?
she's about five feet even.
what does she look like, though?
she has pretty light brown eyes.
i may know which girl you're talking about.
so you have seen her around?
there's a new girl in school, have you seen her yet?
i haven't seen her yet.
i think that she is very pretty.
tell me how she looks.
she's kind of short.
what height is she?
she's probably about five feet.
that's nice, but tell me what she looks like.
the first thing i noticed was her beautiful brown eyes.
i think i might've bumped into her before.
are you telling me that you've seen her before?
have you met the new girl?
no. have you?
she's one of the prettiest girls at the school.
what does she look like?
well, she's quite short.
how tall would you say that she is?
i would say she's only five feet.
what about her facial features?
she has light brown eyes, absolutely beautiful.
i think i know who you're talking about.
why weren't you at school yesterday?
i wasn't really feeling well.
what was wrong with you?
my stomach was upset.
do you feel better now?
i don't really feel too well yet.
do you want anything to make you feel better?
no, thanks. i already took some medicine.
i hope you feel better.
what reason do you have for missing school?
i was sick.
how were you sick?
i had a stomachache.
did it get any better?
i'm still feeling under the weather.
would you like anything for your stomach?
i took something earlier.
get better.
why didn't you go to school yesterday?
i stayed home because i wasn't feeling well.
what was your problem?
my stomach was bothering me.
are you feeling any better?
i'm still feeling a little sick.
i'm going to the store, would you like any pepto bismol?
that's okay.
did you hear the good news?
no, i haven't.
i got a promotion at my job.
did you really?
seriously, i am so excited.
well, congratulations.
thank you.
i'm so happy for you.
really?
yes. you really deserved this.
you think so?
have you heard my good news?
you haven't told me anything yet.
i got a promotion at work earlier this week.
is that right?
it's the truth. i am really happy.
congratulations on your promotion.
thank you very much.
i am really excited for you.
are you really?
i'm serious. you deserved this promotion.
is that what you really think?
i haven't told you what happened yet, have i?
i haven't heard anything.
my boss offered me a promotion, and i took it.
are you serious?
yes, i am really excited.
that's great. congratulations.
i appreciate that.
you have no idea how happy i am for you.
you look really nice today.
thank you. i just got this outfit the other day.
really, where did you get it?
i got it from macy's.
it's really nice.
thanks again. you look nice today, too.
thank you. i just got these shoes today.
really? what kind of shoes are they?
these are called all star chuck taylors.
i really like those. how much did they cost?
they were about forty dollars.
i absolutely love what you're wearing today.
you do? i just bought this outfit a couple days ago.
seriously, it looks really nice on you. where did you buy it from?
i bought it from the macy's at the santa anita mall.
i really like that outfit.
thanks. i think you look nice today, too.
thank you. i just bought these new shoes earlier today.
those are nice. what are they?
these are some chucks.
those are great. how much were they?
i got them for forty.
i think that you look very cute today.
is that right? this is a brand new outfit.
what store did you get it from?
i went to macy's and picked it out.
i love your outfit right now.
well, i think you look nice today too.
thanks. i found these new shoes earlier at the store.
i think that those are some really nice shoes. what kind are they?
these are chucks.
your shoes look really nice. how much did you get them for?
tell me, what do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
i enjoy drawing and painting.
you know how to draw and paint?
yes, i do.
when did you learn how to do that?
i learned back in high school.
oh, so you took an art class?
yeah, i loved that class.
i see that you're pretty talented.
thank you very much.
i wish i had a talent like that.
what kinds of things do you like to do?
i've always liked to draw and paint.
i didn't know you knew how to draw and paint.
i do it every once in a while.
how long have you known how to do that?
i first learned how to do it in high school.
did you take some sort of art class or something?
that was my favorite class.
you have got to be talented.
thanks.
if only i was talented.
are there any hobbies you do?
when i have time, i sometimes draw and paint.
oh, you actually do that?
every so often, i do.
did you always know how to draw and paint?
i was taught in high school how to draw and paint.
you had an art class?
exactly, it was my favorite class.
well, it's good that you're so talented.
i appreciate that.
what's your favorite movie?
my favorite movie is superbad.
oh, why is that?
it's the funniest movie that i've ever seen.
that's true. it is a very funny movie.
you've seen it before?
yes, i saw that movie the first day it came out in theaters.
didn't you laugh through the whole movie? i did.
me too. that movie brought tears to my eyes.
mine too.
i have it on dvd at my house if you want to come over and watch it.
which movie is your favorite to watch?
i have to say, my favorite movie is superbad.
is that right? why?
honestly, it is one of the funniest movies i've seen in a long time.
you're right. that movie is hilarious.
i didn't think you saw that movie.
i went to see it the day it came out.
i was laughing through the whole movie.
i couldn't help laughing, either.
same here.
i bought the movie. would you like to come to my house and watch it?
out of every movie that you've seen, which one is your favorite?
i'm going to have to say that superbad is the best movie ever.
you think so, how come?
well, superbad is super funny.
you're not lying, i found that movie absolutely hilarious.
i didn't know that you saw superbad before.
i made sure to be in line to see it the first day it came out.
i couldn't keep from laughing throughout the whole movie.
i was laughing hysterically the whole time; my stomach muscles hurt afterwards.
that's exactly how i felt.
what type of music do you like to listen to?
i like listening to different kinds of music.
like what, for instance?
i enjoy rock and r&b.
why is that?
i like the different instruments that they use.
that's a good reason to like something.
what kind of music do you enjoy listening to?
i enjoy listening to all kinds of music.
what kind?
i like to listen to rock and r&b.
why do you like that type of music?
i like the kinds of instruments that they use.
i think that's an excellent reason to like something.
what is your favorite kind of music?
i listen to various types of music.
what genres?
i enjoy listening to both rock and r&b.
what interests you in that type of music?
i enjoy the different types of instruments that they use.
did you go to the basketball game on friday?
no, i couldn't make it.
you missed a really good game.
oh, really? who won?
our school did. they played really well.
too bad i was busy. i really wanted to go.
yeah, you should have. it was really exciting.
so what was the score?
the score was 101-98.
man, that was a really close game.
that's what made it so great.
were you able to attend friday night's basketball game?
i was unable to make it.
you should have been there. it was intense.
is that right. who ended up winning?
our team was victorious.
i wish i was free that night. i'm kind of mad that i didn't go.
it was a great game.
what was the score at the end of the game?
our team won 101-98.
sounds like it was a close game.
that's the reason it was such a great game.
i was meaning to ask you if you saw the basketball game on friday.
i wanted to go, but i couldn't.
it was a great game.
it's too bad that i couldn't make it. who won?
our team played hard and won.
i really wish i went to the game.
it was the best game ever.
so tell me the final score.
the other team lost by three points, 101-98.
it must've been a close game.
what are you doing this weekend?
i'm going to the movies with a friend. how about you?
i'm not sure yet.
well, did you want to go see a movie with me?
what movie are you going to see?
i'm not sure yet. is there something you want to see?
there's nothing i can think of.
so, did you want to go?
no, thanks, maybe another time.
do you know what you're going to do this weekend?
i am going to see a movie with a friend of mine. what about you?
i don't know.
would you like to see a movie with me and my friend?
do you know what movie you're going to watch?
i don't know, but was there a certain movie you wanted to see?
none that i can think of.
well, would you like to go?
thank you for inviting me, but i think i'll pass.
you have any ideas as to what you want to do this weekend?
i'm going to the movie theater with my friend. what are you going to do?
i'm not quite sure yet.
how about you see a movie with me and my friend?
what movie are you and your friend planning on watching?
not sure. is there a movie out that catches your eye?
no good movies come to mind.
have you decided whether or not you would like to go?
did you go to school today?
yeah, i went to school today. were you there?
no, i didn't go, i've been sick.
that sucks. did you want the assignments from english class?
that would be nice, thank you.
no problem, you're welcome.
i will be glad to do the same for you when you're sick.
have you attended school today?
i attended school today. did you?
i wasn't able to attend school because i was feeling ill.
i'm sorry to hear that. would you like the assignments from english class?
i would really appreciate that, thanks.
it's no trouble at all.
if you get sick, i'll return the favor.
have you gone to school today?
i went to school today. did you go to school?
i couldn't go to school today, i was sick.
that's horrible. i'd be happy to give you the assignments from english class.
thank you very much, that's kind of you.
don't mention it.
did you hear the news?
what happened?
our cousin went into labor and had her baby last week.
she did? why didn't anyone tell me?
i would've thought that somebody would have told you.
no, i had no idea.
well, she did, her baby was 8 pounds 6 ounces.
oh my god, that's great!
are you going to go and visit her and the baby?
i think that i might.
good! i just thought i'd let you know.
have you heard what happened?
heard what?
debrah already had her baby.
i didn't know that.
i thought you knew.
i honestly didn't know.
the baby was 8 pounds 6 ounces.
that's good to hear.
will you go and visit them?
of course i will.
i just wanted to give you the good news.
have you heard the news?
i haven't heard anything.
debrah had her baby last week.
nobody told me.
i thought you heard.
i really wasn't told anything.
she was a cute 8 pounds 6 ounces.
wow, how exciting.
i know, you should really go and see her and the baby.
of course i will.
did you go to school today?
of course. did you?
i didn't want to, so i didn't.
that's sad, but have you gone to the movies recently?
that's a switch.
i'm serious, have you?
no, i haven't. why?
i really want to go to the movies this weekend.
so go then.
i really don't want to go by myself.
well anyway, do you plan on going to school tomorrow?
did you make it to school today?
i always do. did you go to school today?
no, i didn't.
you should have, but have you seen any movies lately?
that was an odd change of subject.
maybe it was, but answer the question.
no, not recently.
i want to go to see a movie this weekend.
what's stopping you then?
i don't want to go alone.
so, will you be at school tomorrow?
did you even bother to go to school today?
yeah, i went. did you go?
no, i didn't feel like it.
that's nice, have you been to the movies lately?
no, but that was a random change of subject.
it may have been random, but have you?
i haven't lately.
i would love to catch a movie this weekend.
so then, why don't you just go?
i don't want to see a movie by myself.
thanks for coming to see me today.
it's no problem. i was really missing you anyway.
i missed you too.
why haven't you tried to come see me then?
i've been really busy.
doing what?
working.
i would've come to see you sooner, but i've been busy too.
what have you been doing?
i've been working too.
well regardless, i'm very happy that you came to see me.
i'm really glad that you came to see me.
i had to. i was missing you a lot.
i was missing you too.
so, why haven't you visited me?
i've actually been busy lately.
what have you been doing?
i've just been working really hard.
i've also been busy.
tell me what you've been doing.
basically, i've been working too.
well whatever, i'm glad you came.
i'm really happy that you came to visit me.
i really missed you a lot.
i've been missing you like crazy.
i don't understand why you haven't come to visit me.
lately, i've been quite busy.
tell me what you've been up to.
i've really been working a lot lately.
i've been pretty busy myself.
so what have you been up to?
i've just been working a lot.
hey, did you hear about jessica's party this weekend?
yeah, but i'm still waiting for my invitation.
oh really? she gave me mine earlier today.
well, she'll probably just give me my invitation later on today.
yeah, so are you planning on going?
i think so. it sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.
it really does, i can't wait.
what time does the party start?
it starts at 8 o'clock.
oh, well, how many people has she given invites to so far?
i'm not sure, but i don't think she's given out that many.
have you heard about jessica's party on saturday?
i've heard about it, but i'm still waiting for my invitation.
really? i got mine from her this morning.
i'm guessing that she's going to give me my invite today or tomorrow.
you're probably right, do you intend on going to the party?
i want to. i heard it's going to be really fun.
i know, it does sound pretty awesome.
well, when does the party start?
it's supposed to start at about eight.
how many invitations has she given out?
i really don't know, but i don't think she gave out that many yet.
has anyone told you about jessica's party coming up?
i was told about it already. i'm just waiting for my invitation.
is that right? i already got my invitation from her earlier.
i believe that she will give me the invitation today.
are you even going to go?
yeah, it sounds like it's going to be the best party of the year.
exactly, it seems like it's going to be loads of fun.
when exactly does the party start?
the invitation says it starts at 8:00 p.m.
has she given out a lot of invitations yet?
hey, what's up?
nothing really.
i'm throwing a party on friday.
i didn't realize that.
you didn't?
nobody has told me anything about your party.
did you want to go?
when does it start?
at 8:00 p.m.
i'll be there.
i'd better see you there.
what's going on with you?
fine. what's going on with you?
i'm having a party this friday.
i had no idea.
is that right?
i didn't hear anything about it.
can you go?
what time?
it starts at 8 o'clock.
i'll go.
i hope that i'll see you there.
what's going on?
not much.
this friday, i'm throwing a party.
oh really? i didn't know that.
are you serious?
i haven't heard anything about it.
can you make it?
what time does it start?
the party starts at 8.
yeah, i think i'll go.
what's going on?
nothing really, you?
i'm throwing a party next saturday.
is that right?
yeah, are you going to come?
i'm sorry, i can't.
why not?
i don't really want to.
well, why don't you?
i hate going to parties.
well, that's okay.
what's up?
nothing, how about you?
next saturday, i'm going to have a party.
oh, really?
you are coming?
probably not.
why is that?
i don't feel like going.
why not?
i really can't stand going to parties.
i understand, i guess.
what's happening?
not a lot, what about you?
i'm having a party next saturday.
that's nice.
are you going to be there?
i don't think so.
is there a reason why?
i just really don't want to go.
how come?
i don't really like parties.
what's up?
nothing much, what's going on?
i'm having a party this friday.
oh, really? that's nice.
i wanted to see if you wanted to come.
this friday? sorry, i already have plans.
doing what?
i'm going to dinner with my family.
i really wanted you to come, but i understand.
yeah, maybe next time.
i'll hold you to that.
hey, what's good with you?
not a lot. what about you?
i'm throwing a party on friday.
that sounds like fun.
do you think you can come?
i'm sorry. i'm already doing something this friday.
what are you going to be doing?
my family and i are going to dinner.
i was hoping you would come.
i'll definitely try to make it the next time.
i'd better see you there.
what's going on?
nothing really. how about you?
a lot, like the party i'm having on friday.
well, that's cool.
will you be able to make it?
i'm busy this friday. i'm sorry.
what do you have to do?
i'm having dinner with my family
maybe you can come next time.
i'll make sure and come to your next party.
it was nice talking to you.
why are you trying to rush me off the phone?
i really have to go.
why? i still wanted to talk to you.
i have things to do.
like what?
don't be nosey.
i'm not. i just want to know.
well, it's really none of your business.
that's harsh.
i'm sorry, but i have to go.
i've enjoyed conversing with you.
is there a reason why you're trying to get off the phone so fast?
i've got to go.
i wasn't done talking to you.
i have to do some things, and besides, it's not polite to be nosey.
i'm not being nosey. i'm just asking.
i really don't think it's any of your business.
that's not nice.
i apologize, but i'm getting off the phone now.
i'll talk to you later.
what's the rush?
i have to get off the phone now.
i'm not ready to get off the phone with you.
there are other things i need to take care of.
what is it that you need to do?
please don't be nosey.
i'm not being nosey, it's just a question.
you don't need to worry about that.
that was mean to say.
well, it was nice talking to you.
it was nice talking to you too.
we should really hang out again.
that would be fun.
where do you want to go?
i think we should go out to eat.
that sounds good.
all right, so i'll see you then.
i'll call you later.
okay, i'll talk to you later then.
see you later.
i enjoyed talking to you.
i enjoyed talking to you too.
we should hang out some time.
i think that would be nice.
is there anything you would like to do next time?
do you want to go out to eat?
i'd like that.
so i'll see you next time.
i'm going to call you soon.
i'll talk to you later.
see you soon.
i had fun talking to you.
it was really nice talking to you also.
i think we should really do something sometime.
that should be loads of fun.
what do you want to do next time?
would you like to go to dinner or something?
yeah, let's do that.
okay, until next time then.
i'll call you so we can set that up.
talk to you then.
where do you live?
i live in pasadena.
where is pasadena?
it's in california.
is it in northern california?
no. it's in southern california.
is pasadena a big city?
it's pretty big.
how big is "pretty big"?
it has about 140,000 people.
how big is los angeles?
do you have a car?
yes, i do.
what kind of car do you have?
i have a honda.
is it new?
it was new in 2003.
so, it's pretty old now.
yes, it is. but it still looks good.
do you take good care of it?
oh, yes. i wash it once a week.
do you change the oil?
do you have a girlfriend?
no, i don't. do you?
i don't have a girlfriend, either.
why not?
i don't know. maybe i'm not rich enough.
girls like guys with money.
they sure do.
they like guys with new cars.
i don't have money or a new car.
me, neither.
but girls like guys who are funny.
where are you going?
i have to walk the dog.
what kind of dog do you have?
i have a little poodle.
poodles bark a lot.
they sure do.
they bark at everything.
they never shut up.
why did you get a poodle?
it's my mom's dog.
so she likes poodles.
can i borrow $5?
sure. why do you need it?
i want to buy lunch.
where's your money?
it's not in my wallet.
your wallet is empty?
i don't have even one dollar in it.
being broke is no fun.
even if it's only for a short while.
it's always good to have friends.
friends will lend you money when you're broke.
let's go to the beach.
that's a great idea.
we haven't been in a while.
we haven't been in a month.
the last time we went, you almost drowned.
no, i didn't.
then why did the lifeguard dive into the water?
i think he wanted to cool off.
he swam right up to you.
and then he turned right around.
maybe you're right.
are you married?
no. i'm divorced.
when did you get divorced?
i got divorced two years ago.
why did you get divorced?
my wife left me.
why did she leave you?
she said she didn't love me anymore.
wow! that's terrible.
yes, it was.
why didn't she love you anymore?
i'm bored.
what's on tv?
nothing.
there must be something on tv!
nothing that's interesting.
what about that new game show?
which one?
"deal or no deal"
tell me you're joking.
i love that show.
i watched it once. that was enough.
i like living here.
i agree. pasadena is a nice city.
it's not too big.
and it's not too small.
it has great weather all year long.
it has the rose parade.
it has beautiful houses.
it has wonderful restaurants.
it has great schools.
it's close to the mountains.
the people are friendly.
we need a new mattress.
what's the matter with this one?
it's not comfortable.
it seems fine to me.
i toss and turn all night.
you should stop drinking coffee.
look at these marks on my arms.
what are they?
they are bites.
did the cat bite you?
no. the bedbugs in that mattress bit me.
my laptop is so slow.
buy a new one.
i would if i had the money.
why is it so slow?
that's a good question.
did you take it to a computer shop?
i would if i had the money.
well, i guess you have to live with it.
sometimes i want to throw it out the window.
you don't want to do that.
why not?
what's for dinner?
i'm not sure.
how about a pizza?
you had pizza for lunch.
but i love pizza.
everybody loves pizza.
so why can't i have pizza for dinner?
because you need variety.
what's "variety?
different things—not the same thing all the time.
you mean, like a pepperoni pizza instead of a cheese pizza?
we need to save money.
why do we need to save money?
because we need to buy a house.
but a house is so expensive.
that's why we need to save money.
how much do we need to save?
we need to save enough for a down payment.
how much is that?
that's about $30,000.
thirty thousand dollars! that will take forever.
not if we save every penny.
the ocean is so big.
you can't see the end of it.
it goes on and on forever.
and it's deep, too.
i think it's five miles deep.
are there fish at the bottom?
there are fish at the top and the bottom.
are there more fish or more people?
i think there are more fish.
i'm upset with my mom.
why is that?
i warned her about her new boyfriend. she didn't listen to me.
what happened?
i gave her $1,000 for her birthday. i told her to spend it on herself.
that was very nice of you.
i found out that she gave it to her new boyfriend.
why did she do that?
he said he would buy her a nice ring.
what's wrong with that?
he went to las vegas. he lost it all gambling.
do animals talk to each other?
of course they talk to each other.
what do they talk about?
they talk about other animals.
what else do they talk about?
they talk about food and the weather.
do they talk about us?
of course they talk about us.
what do they say about us?
they say that we are funny-looking.
ha! we're not funny-looking; animals are funny-looking.
i have to clean the house.
yes, it's very dirty.
you can help me.
why me?
because you helped make it dirty.
what do you want me to do?
i want you to clean the bathroom.
oh, that's easy.
clean the sink, the tub, the counter, and the toilet.
that's a lot of work.
tell me when you finish.
you're watching too much tv.
what do you mean?
i mean you're wasting your life.
i'm having fun.
you're sitting there with your mouth open.
who cares?
i care. do something.
okay. i did something.
what did you do?
i turned up the volume.
that's not what i meant by "do something."
did you write a letter to grandma?
yes, i did.
did you tell her about school?
i told her that school is fun.
did you put the letter in an envelope?
yes, and i sealed the envelope.
did you put a stamp on the envelope?
i couldn't find any stamps.
they're in the kitchen drawer.
okay. i just put a stamp on the envelope.
give me the envelope, and i'll mail it for you.
why are you yawning?
i'm sleepy.
why don't you go to bed?
i want to watch this tv show.
maybe you should record it.
the tape recorder is broken.
then you should watch the rerun.
why? i'm watching the original.
but you'll be asleep in about one minute.
i'm just yawning because the commercials are on.
okay. i'll tell you how the show ends.
it's sunday.
so?
you know what that means.
i forgot.
sunday means we go to church.
oh, yeah.
put on a coat and tie.
why?
to show respect to god and others.
i'm glad sunday is only once a week.
i hope god didn't hear that.
did you feed the cat?
i'll do that in a minute.
the cat is meowing. he's hungry.
okay. i'll feed him right now.
you shouldn't make him wait.
i was doing my homework.
the cat doesn't care about your homework.
the cat doesn't care about anything.
that's the way cats are.
all they think about is themselves.
maybe we should get rid of him.
i hate shaving.
me too.
i just cut myself again.
did you use a new blade?
it doesn't matter. old blades cut, new blades cut.
maybe you should use an electric shaver.
they make a lot of noise, but they don't give a close shave.
maybe you should stop shaving.
and grow a beard?
sure. why not?
because food and other stuff sticks in my beard.
excuse me.
yes?
are you reading this paper?
oh, no. help yourself.
i asked because the paper is sitting next to you.
thank you. that's polite of you to ask.
some people would just pick it up.
yes, i know. some people are rude.
i always try to be polite.
so do i.
the world needs more polite people like us.
mom, i want a puppy.
let me think about it.
why do you have to think about it?
because a puppy costs money.
no, it doesn't. puppies are free.
yes, but a puppy needs shots.
shots for what?
so it won't get sick. just like you get shots.
i hate shots.
and a puppy eats food. food costs money.
no problem. i'll give him food off my plate.
look at all these kittens!
how many are there?
eight.
they're all so cute.
yes, but i can't keep them.
what are you going to do with them?
i'm going to give them away. do you want one?
yes, i would love one.
which one do you want?
that one. the one that's all black.
yes, i like that one, too.
my parents go to church every sunday.
they trust in god.
they hope they will go to heaven.
they probably will.
but no one knows for sure.
that's for sure.
no one knows what happens after we die.
if we are good, we will be happy in heaven with god.
that's what many people believe.
if we are bad, we will be unhappy forever in hell.
i don't want to go to hell.
my husband died.
i'm sorry for you.
thank you.
when did he die?
a couple of months ago.
you still miss him.
yes, but i talk to him almost every day.
when you go to church?
no, when i call him on his cell phone.
what do you mean?
i buried him with his cell phone.
today is friday the thirteenth.
that's a bad day.
it's supposed to be unlucky.
you're supposed to stay home all day.
that's what i do.
my friend stayed in a hotel on friday the thirteenth.
that was a mistake.
he stayed on the thirteenth floor.
what happened?
someone stole his laptop.
he was asking for it.
do you really love me?
of course.
prove it.
how can i prove it?
take me to dinner.
that's it? that's all i have to do?
take me to a nice restaurant, not to mcdonald's.
but a nice restaurant costs money.
yes, and you have to make a reservation.
that's such a hassle.
i knew you didn't love me.
my parents are divorced.
so are mine.
why did your parents get divorced?
my father found a new girlfriend.
that's too bad.
my mother was hurt and angry.
she had good reason. what did she do?
she told him to drop his girlfriend.
what did your father do?
he moved out of our house.
i guess he really liked his new girlfriend.
my grandma's apartment smells funny.
so does mine.
i think it's an old people's smell.
really?
yes. i think when you get old, you begin to smell.
like fruit that is too ripe?
yes, just like fruit that is too ripe.
but the smell is different.
yes, old people don't smell like fruit.
no, they smell like a thrift shop.
yes, a thrift shop has that same smell.
the price of stamps goes up and up.
i think stamps used to cost a penny.
that was a long time ago.
it was before i was born.
now a stamp is 42 cents.
but in may it will be 44 cents.
have you ever lost a letter in the mail?
no, i haven't.
neither have i.
so, they do a good job for the money.
yes, they do.
a button came off my shirt.
what are you going to do?
first, i have to find the button.
where did you lose it?
i have no idea.
a button is hard to find. did you look in your pant cuffs?
that's a good idea.
i found a button in my pant cuffs one time.
let me look. no, it's not there.
many shirts come with an extra button.
you're right. this one does have an extra button.
i have to go to the bathroom.
you drink too much coffee.
but i love coffee.
well, it's your life.
you eat too much chocolate.
i don't think so.
have you looked in the mirror?
do you think i'm getting fat?
i didn't say that.
what did you say?
i said i have to go to the bathroom.
did you do the laundry?
yes, i did.
what did you wash?
i washed the sheets and towels.
what about the pillowcases?
yes, i took them off the pillows and washed them.
did you dry everything in the dryer?
yes, i dried everything in the dryer.
then what did you do?
i folded all the towels.
did you put the sheets on the beds?
do you listen to the radio?
i listen day and night.
what do you listen to?
mostly talk radio.
what's that?
people talk about current events.
what do they say?
they say they want change.
what kind of change?
they want tax cuts.
why do they want tax cuts?
mom, i'm hungry.
look in the fridge.
i'm looking. there's nothing to eat.
are you sure?
it's almost empty.
i went to the market yesterday.
i don't see anything.
i bought lots of oranges and apples.
i don't want fruit. i want something tasty.
eat the fruit. it's good for you.
next time you go to the market, let me go with you.
what is there to eat?
i don't know. look in the fridge.
i think i'll make a sandwich.
what kind?
a ham sandwich.
the bread is in the cabinet.
where's the mustard?
it's in the fridge, i think.
oh, yes, here it is. do you want a sandwich?
yes, that sounds nice.
how about some potato chips?
it's time for your bath, young lady.
but, mom, i'm not dirty.
you need a bath every day.
why?
because you don't want to smell bad.
i don't smell bad.
that's what you think.
if i smelled bad, i could smell me.
i can smell you.
i can smell you, too.
that's my perfume.
something's wrong with my computer.
exactly what?
all i get is a black screen.
what's the matter?
i think i know, because this happened before.
what happened before?
my hard drive crashed.
oh, no. that's bad news.
it sure is, but i'm going to call hp first, just to make sure.
will you lose all your files?
no, i always back up my files.
i called hp about my computer.
what did they say?
they said i need a new hard drive.
that's too bad. how much is a new one?
it's not too much, only about $85.
plus installation?
no, my hard drive is easy to remove and replace.
really?
yes, it's just a couple of screws.
that's nice.
it's a lot better than paying someone $60.
what's your email address?
it's bluedog123.
bluedog123. are you sure that's all?
yes.
no. that's incomplete.
what do you mean?
what's your mailing address?
456 cherry drive, pasadena, ca 91170.
that's correct.
so what's the problem?
bluedog123 is just the street. you have to give me the city, state, and zip code.
i'm going to take a nap.
you should unplug the phone.
that's a good idea.
do you want me to wake you in an hour?
no, thanks. just let me sleep until i wake up.
i'll start dinner at 6:00.
okay. i think i'll be awake by then.
if not, your nose will wake you up.
you mean i will smell the food cooking?
you might even dream about dinner.
i don't think i'm going to dream about anything. i'm really tired.
that was a nice funeral.
yes, dad, it was.
the son gave a nice speech about his father.
it was long, too.
i think it was about 45 minutes long.
but it went by fast. it was interesting.
i liked it.
i'll give you a speech like that, too.
do you think anyone will come to my funeral?
of course.
i think only the family will be there.
yikes! what was that noise?
i had to blow my nose.
did you have to blow right next to the phone?
did you hear that?
of course i heard that. i thought a plane had crashed into your house.
it wasn't that loud.
i will blow my nose sometime for you, and you'll see.
okay. i'll take your word for it.
i thought you had an elephant in your house.
you're funny.
what did you say? i think i've gone deaf.
i have lots of friends.
really? how many do you have?
i don't know, maybe one hundred.
that is a lot of friends. do you have a best friend?
of course. i have lots of best friends.
how many best friends do you have?
i think about twenty-five.
hmm. i have only one best friend.
i feel sorry for you.
i have only a few friends.
you must be lonely. i will share my friends with you.
don't you ever cheat on me.
why would i do that?
because men like to cheat.
some men do, but not me.
i'm watching you.
i'm an open book. watch me all you want.
if i catch you, you'll be sorry.
you won't catch me, because i love you. i'm not a cheater.
i will poke your eyes out.
i don't want any other woman.
i will chop your toes off, one by one.
i hate to go outside.
me too.
why do you hate to go outside?
i meet too many jerks.
i agree.
this city is full of jerks.
rude people are everywhere.
but what can you do?
you can yell at them.
and they will yell back at you.
yelling doesn't do any good.
will you look at this form?
are you having problems with it?
i don't understand some things.
let me help you.
what does "mi" mean?
"mi" stands for middle initial.
what does "mm/dd/yy" mean?
that means month/day/year. use numbers.
i don't understand.
for example, if your birth date is january 12, 1987, write 01/12/87.
oh. that's simple enough.
let's go to the animal shelter.
what do you want to do?
i want to get a puppy for my son.
that will make him so happy.
i'll get him one of those little dogs.
one that won't grow up too big.
and eat too much.
do you know which one he would like?
oh, yes, i took him there yesterday. he showed me one that he really liked.
i bet you had to drag him away.
he wanted to take it home yesterday.
what's the weather like?
i don't know. i just woke up.
why don't you look outside?
okay. it looks like rain.
why do you say that?
the sky is gray.
is it raining right now?
no.
how do you know?
the street isn't wet.
i have to go shopping today.
i can't believe how hot it is.
it's not even noon yet.
that means it will get hotter.
i am dying from the heat.
turn on the air conditioner.
it doesn't work.
what happened?
i don't know.
did you call the repairman?
of course.
when is he coming?
i'll be glad when winter comes.
why is that?
because i love the snow.
yes, the snow is fun.
last year we made a big snowman.
how big was it?
it was seven feet tall.
how long did it take?
it took us all day.
did you give him a nose?
of course. we gave him a big carrot for a nose.
i'm going to the bank.
what do you need to do?
i need to withdraw some money.
how are you going to do that?
i'll just use the atm.
what's that?
it's the automatic teller machine.
it gives you money?
i just insert my debit card into the machine.
and it gives you money?
well, it gives me money, but it's my own money.
did you put the blue bin out on the street?
oh, no. i forgot.
well, you'd better take it out front.
what time does the recycle truck come by?
it usually gets here at noon on tuesday, which is tomorrow.
i'll just take it out to the street tomorrow morning.
oh, no, you don't.
what do you mean?
every morning you get up late and rush off to work late.
do you think i'll forget to do it?
you'll remember to do it, but you won't have time to do it.
are you ready?
ready for what?
ready for the big switch.
what are you talking about?
the nation is switching to digital tv.
oh. of course i'm ready.
did you buy the converter?
no, i don't need a converter because i bought a digital tv.
how much was that?
it was only about $120 for a 13-inch screen.
does it pick up any digital channels?
people are funny.
they sure are.
did you hear about the pilot?
the one that stole a small plane?
yes, he stole a plane in canada and flew into the u.s.
did they catch him?
yes. after two u.s. fighter jets followed him for an hour, he landed on a highway.
did he crash?
no, he just landed the plane and walked to a restaurant.
did the cops find out why he flew into the u.s.?
his life sucked. he was hoping a fighter jet would shoot him down.
the police need our help finding a robber.
how do you know?
the tv news is reporting a bank robbery.
do they know what the robber looks like?
yes, he's 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, black hair, and about 30 years old.
what race is he?
they didn't say.
the tv news doesn't tell us the race anymore.
of course not. that would be racist.
but how can we identify someone if we don't know their race?
don't ask me.
don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.
but i don't have a tissue.
then go find a tissue in the bathroom.
i didn't have time to get one from there.
your sleeves are not tissues.
but mom, all my friends use their sleeves.
that doesn't make it right.
i saw dad wipe his nose on his sleeve yesterday.
i will talk to your father about that.
i bet dad did it all the time when he was my age.
your daddy was a good little boy.
i'm worried.
worried about what?
i'm getting married.
you should be happy, not worried.
i am happy, but marriage is a lot of responsibility.
yes, you have to take care of your wife.
and i have to take care of our children.
are you going to start a family?
yes. we want to have a little boy and a little girl.
that sounds wonderful.
except we can't afford it!
i don't get art.
or artists.
they're in a different world.
i saw a painting of a jar that was full of pencils.
the artist said the jar was both full and empty.
but it was full of pencils! how could he say it was empty?
artists see things differently.
did you ever see anything that picasso painted?
of course! he's world famous.
did he ever take art lessons?
i can't believe it. i drew paintings like that in third grade.
what's the point?
the point of what?
of living.
who knows? you live, and then you die.
we must be here for some reason.
maybe we're here to have fun.
then why aren't i having fun?
because you're thinking too much.
so i should stop thinking?
stop thinking about what the point is.
okay. i'll start thinking about having some fun.
beer is a powerful drug.
so are cigarettes.
which would you prefer?
what do you mean?
when you die and go to heaven, they will offer you beer or cigarettes.
i could pick only one or the other?
yes. nothing's perfect, not even in heaven.
boy, that's a tough one.
what's so tough about it? of course, i would pick cigarettes.
but cigarettes taste much better when you have a cold beer.
well, you can't have everything.
my pants have a hole in the front pocket.
you shouldn't carry pens in your pocket.
yesterday a pen fell through my pants onto my shoe.
lucky for you it wasn't a sharp knife.
who carries a sharp knife in their pocket?
criminals, of course.
anyway, i have to fix the hole.
you can sew it up or use an iron-on patch.
tell me about this patch.
the patch has glue. the hot iron melts the glue so the patch sticks on.
that sounds a lot easier than sewing.
do you know any good jokes?
i can't remember jokes.
neither can i.
they go in one ear and out the other.
who makes up all these jokes?
who knows? but there must be a hundred new ones every day.
yes, just in english alone.
i wonder if every language has jokes.
of course! people everywhere like good jokes.
what do you think people joke about the most?
i think most jokes are about women.
you're very lucky.
why do you say that?
you speak two languages.
well, my english isn't perfect.
no one speaks perfect english.
maybe i will be the first!
i've been thinking about learning spanish.
spanish is easy. i'll be happy to teach you.
how long will it take me to learn?
i think it will only take you a year or two.
how soon can we begin?
do you know what today is?
yes, it's april 22.
it's more than just a date.
is it your birthday or anniversary?
no, it's earth day.
what's that?
it's a yearly reminder to take care of our planet.
oh, you mean like reuse things and recycle stuff?
yes. we need to think green, save water, and stop using plastic bags.
how about if i take shorter showers?
that's a good idea, because showers waste a lot of water.
poetry sucks.
i don't know anyone who likes it.
some of it is okay, i guess.
yes, the poems that rhyme and are easy to remember.
like "one, two, buckle my shoe."
but people still write poems.
no one makes any money at it.
shakespeare was a poet.
did he get rich from his poetry?
probably not.
poems are a little bit like songs.
how smart are you?
i don't know. i think i'm average.
did you ever take an iq test?
no, i never did. all i know is that i got a's and b's in school.
i wish i was really smart.
don't be ridiculous.
what do you mean?
if you're going to make a wish, wish that you were really rich or famous.
don't you ever wonder what it's like to be super-smart?
it must be very lonely.
why's that?
i missed the tv news last night. what was on?
nothing that would pass as news.
what's the weather going to be like this weekend?
i don't know. whenever the weather comes on, i switch channels.
what was the lead story on the news?
some actress was in court for driving without a license.
what was the second story?
some actor married a woman young enough to be his daughter.
what was the third story?
a bull chased a man in a supermarket.
wasn't there anything about octo-mom?
what are you going to do about your death?
well, mostly i'll try to avoid it.
i mean, are you going to get buried or cremated?
my wife and i will be cremated.
are you going to be buried next to each other?
oh, no. our ashes will be shaken into the ocean.
you're not going to be buried?
a coffin costs too much and takes up too much space.
yes, but it will be in a cemetery where your children can visit you.
children seldom visit their parents in a cemetery.
that's true. a cemetery is for dead people, not living people.
did you wipe your feet?
yes, of course i wiped my feet.
then why is there mud on the carpet?
i don't know. it's not my mud.
well, someone brought it into the house.
look at the bottom of my shoes—they're clean.
of course they're clean. you left all the mud on the carpet.
okay, i'll get the vacuum cleaner.
don't vacuum it now.
don't you want me to clean up the mud?
wait till it dries. it will be easier to vacuum.
what are you getting for your mom?
what are you talking about?
sunday is mother's day.
this sunday?
of course. it's all over the news.
i thought it was next sunday.
well, you'd better get her something.
i'll get her a nice card.
is that it?
yes. that's all i ever give her.
she raised you, and all you ever give her is a card?
i don't like our flag.
what's the matter with it?
it's too much like other flags.
yes, a lot of flags have stripes.
a flag should be pretty.
what should our flag look like?
it should have a pretty woman on it.
that's ridiculous!
you don't like pretty women?
of course i do. but not on our flag!
every nation should have a pretty woman on their flag.
i had a busy morning.
what did you do?
i watered all the plants.
you have a lot of plants.
then i did my laundry.
that takes some time.
i took the dog for a walk.
i'll bet he enjoyed his walk.
i vacuumed the entire house.
that's a lot of work.
and then i made lunch.
i don't have long distance service with my home phone.
so how do you make long distance calls?
i use a calling card.
where do you get that?
i buy it at the dollar store.
how much is it?
it's one dollar for 100 minutes.
that's only a penny a minute!
it's a great price. but you have to dial a lot of numbers.
how many?
first you dial seven numbers, then ten numbers, then ten more numbers.
do you go to college?
yes, i do.
what college do you go to?
i go to pasadena city college.
do you like it?
oh, yes, i really like it.
why do you like it?
because it has great teachers.
what else?
i like all my classmates, too.
anything else?
i lost my new pen.
where did you lose it?
i don't know.
when did you lose it?
i think i lost it today. i used it yesterday.
did you check all your pockets?
i checked all my pockets.
did you look in your desk?
yes. it isn't there, either.
it's probably around somewhere.
oh, well, it only cost me a dollar.
gravity is very important.
what is gravity?
it's the force that pulls everything down.
i don't understand.
if you pour water into a glass, the water goes down into the glass.
of course it does.
without gravity, the water would go up.
you're joking.
without gravity, you would go up.
what do you mean?
you would float into the sky like a balloon.
i can't read my book.
turn on the light.
the light is on.
open the book.
the book is open.
see an eye doctor.
that's what i need to do.
he'll give you a prescription for glasses.
i'll make an appointment tomorrow.
i'll get the yellow pages for an eye doctor.
read the phone number to me.
what do you need for school?
i need pencils.
anything else?
i need a notebook.
do you need a pen?
no. i already have a pen.
do you need a calculator?
no. the teacher doesn't permit calculators.
how about a dictionary?
no, we have a big dictionary in the classroom.
well, i guess that's it.
i like this magazine.
so do i.
i read it once, and i subscribed.
it gives you all the news.
all the news in only 50 pages.
i like the political cartoons.
i like the beautiful photos of the houses for sale.
i always read the film reviews.
i never miss the food and drink section.
i gave a subscription to my parents.
me too. they canceled their other news magazines.
my pen is out of ink.
shake it a couple of times.
i shook it. there is no more ink.
you can borrow mine.
thank you. i'll buy a new one tomorrow.
what were you doing?
i was writing a letter.
who were you writing to?
it's to my mom.
tell her i said hello.
okay. i'll return your pen when i'm done.
have you done your homework?
not yet.
then why are you watching tv?
this is my favorite show.
go do your homework.
but, mom!
you can watch tv after you do your homework.
but the show will be over.
there will be another show next week.
please?
you know the rules.
i can't wait until i graduate.
me too.
no more homework.
i hate homework.
are you going to college?
i can't afford it.
me neither.
so what are you going to do?
i'm joining the army.
you're kidding. you might get killed.
i don't think so. after i finish, i'll have enough money to go to college.
what is your major?
english.
what are you going to do with an english major?
i'm going to be a teacher.
high school or middle school?
high school.
i teach high school english.
i didn't know that.
i started teaching five years ago.
how do you like it?
do you see all this gray hair? it was totally black five years ago.
parking at school is impossible.
i'll say.
i drove around for half an hour.
did you find a spot?
i found a spot, but someone cut in and took it from me.
did you yell at them?
yes, i did.
and?
and he yelled back at me.
how rude.
but i got lucky a few minutes later.
this is a huge library.
yes, it has lots of rooms and lots of space.
and lots of books.
and lots of thieves.
what do you mean?
i mean, keep your belongings close to you.
the only thing in my backpack is used books.
but thieves don't know that.
they might think that i've got an ipod or laptop in there.
now you're thinking.
you'd think a library would be safe from thieves.
how good is your math?
i can add two and two.
so you're not very good at math?
i'm terrible at math.
well, i need some help.
with what?
i'm taking a math course in school.
well, you should ask your teacher or your classmates for help.
i can't do that.
why not?
they might think i'm stupid.
do you believe in god?
of course.
do you pray to god?
occasionally.
when's that?
when i need something.
like what?
well, if i have a big test at school.
does god answer your prayers?
yes, i've passed all my tests.
do you ever pray for money?
the cops finally found the husband.
what husband?
the husband of the driver who ran over two college students at 3 a.m.
oh, yeah. the girl died instantly, and the boy is still in the hospital.
the husband said he tried to help the boy.
yes, he pushed him off the hood of the car.
no, he said he gently placed the boy on the street.
so what? they still drove off.
the husband said a fire department was nearby.
so what? did he dial 911?
he said he was thinking about it, but he didn't get around to it.
i don't like riding the bus.
why not?
the seats and windows are dirty.
don't they clean the bus every night?
i think they do.
you should bring some wipes with you.
that's a good idea.
then you can wipe your seat and window.
people will think i'm strange.
who cares? everyone is strange.
that's for sure.
i don't like riding the bus.
why not?
number one, it's too slow.
you're right. a car is faster.
number two, it's usually late.
you're right. the buses are never on time.
number three, it doesn't run 24 hours.
you're right. buses don't run late at night.
number four, it's too crowded.
you're right. you have to stand in the aisle.
number five, it's unsafe.
we had a problem at school.
what was the problem?
someone cut the tires.
what tires?
the tires on the cars.
where were the cars?
they were in the student parking lot.
how many tires were cut?
one or two tires were cut on each car.
how many cars?
eleven cars.
life isn't fair.
it sure isn't.
i got a ticket yesterday.
what for?
i was crossing the street.
were you in a crosswalk?
yes, but the red hand was blinking.
so? that's a ticket?
yes, it's a $140 ticket.
that's not right!
when i started to cross the street, the white walk sign was blinking.
you're driving too fast.
why do you say that?
the speed limit is 65.
i know that.
but you're doing 75.
so is everyone else.
but a cop might stop you.
no, he won't. some cars are doing 85.
so the cop will stop those cars?
of course. he stops the fastest cars.
my friend got a ticket for doing 75.
remember to put air in your tires.
how often do i have to do that?
once every two months.
that's a lot.
what do you mean?
that's six times a year!
yes, and it takes about five minutes each time.
i'll try.
check your tires or you'll get a flat.
oh. that's not good.
no, it isn't. a flat costs you time and money.
you're driving too fast.
i'm in a hurry.
don't ever be in a hurry.
it's not my fault. you didn't wake me up.
that's not my fault. you didn't tell me to wake you up.
well, i meant to.
don't ever be in a hurry when you're driving.
why not?
because you'll have an accident. most accidents are because people are in a hurry.
how do you know that?
i read a lot.
let's go for a ride.
where are we going?
into the mountains.
that sounds nice.
i want to show you my new car.
you bought a new car?
yes. i bought a cadillac.
a luxury car.
luxury plus speed.
what are we waiting for?
let me get the keys.
i have to go to the bathroom.
why didn't you go before we left?
i did, but i have to go again.
well, hold on a little longer.
i think i'm going to explode.
just hold on.
oh! don't hit any more bumps!
we'll be at mcdonald's in just a few minutes.
i hope they are fast minutes.
think about something else. think about a hamburger.
i'm thinking, but i still have to go.
where's the car?
what do you mean?
the car isn't here.
where did you park it?
i parked it right here.
are you sure?
yes. i remember this big tree.
maybe it's the wrong tree.
no, this is the tree.
did someone steal it?
i sure hope not.
look at this traffic.
i'd rather not.
it gets worse every year.
why are you complaining? we're going almost 20 miles an hour.
the speed limit is 65!
well, that's between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
where are all these people going?
they're all asking the same question.
when are they going to fix this problem?
they said they need more money.
they always need more money.
did you see that car?
yes, he went through the red light.
can we call the police?
no, the police don't care.
why not?
they have to see it happen.
they don't believe us?
no. they can only give a ticket if they see it happen.
so, what do we do?
we don't do anything.
maybe we should honk the horn next time.
my car is dirty.
why don't you wash it?
that's what i'm going to do.
are you going to wash it yourself?
of course. it's not a hard job.
i'll help you.
okay, i'll get a bucket.
i'll rinse the car first.
then we can scrub it with a wet sponge and soap.
after that, we can dry it with a towel.
then it will look like new
it sure is windy today.
paper is flying everywhere.
this wind is dangerous for drivers.
especially for drivers of big trucks.
the wind blows those trucks over.
it blows trees over, too.
a tree fell onto my dad's car.
was there much damage?
my dad had to buy a new car.
wow! that's terrible.
never park your car under a tree.
when are we going to stop?
we'll stop at the next mcdonald's.
how far away is that?
i think we'll be there in half an hour.
i hope so. i have to go to the bathroom.
well, i can always pull over.
no, thank you, i'll just wait.
we can kill two birds with one stone.
what do you mean?
while you're using the bathroom, i'll order some food.
don't order for me. i'm not hungry.
this is such a long light.
look how many cars are waiting in line.
they need a left-turn arrow.
only two cars can make a left turn every three or four minutes.
we'll be here forever.
get out of this lane.
but we need to turn left.
forget it. go straight.
then what?
then we'll just make a u-turn.
and then we can turn right at the light.
i need a cheap car.
how much money do you have?
$1,000.00
well, that should get you something.
but i need something that's reliable.
you need a car with low mileage.
a car that was owned by a little old lady.
where have you looked?
i haven't looked anywhere yet.
why not?
because i'll never find one for such a low price.
good afternoon, officer.
your driver's license and registration, please.
here you go.
do you know why i pulled you over?
i have no idea. all of a sudden i heard your siren.
you rolled through that stop sign back there.
but i stopped!
no, you didn't. you slowed down, but you didn't come to a full stop.
well, nobody else does, so why should i?
that's not the attitude of a good driver.
but i am a good driver. i've never had a ticket in my life.
$140. i can't believe it.
what are you talking about?
i got a ticket downtown for $140.
were you speeding?
no, i was crossing the street.
were you jaywalking?
no, i was in the crosswalk.
so why did you get a ticket?
the officer said the red hand was blinking.
was it blinking when you entered the crosswalk?
no, the white walk sign was blinking.
they were in a crosswalk near school at 3 a.m.
who?
two students from usc.
what happened?
a speeding car ran a red light, killing the girl.
what happened to the other student?
he landed on the hood of the car.
did he get off the hood?
no, the car stopped and the passenger pushed the injured student off the hood.
i'll bet the car continued on its way.
of course it did. why stop after you've run over two people?
what happened to your car?
i got a dent in the parking lot.
how did you get it?
i don't know. maybe it was from a shopping cart.
those shopping carts are dangerous.
especially the metal ones.
i don't park at a store that uses metal shopping carts.
that's a good idea, but there was a good sale at this store.
did you save any money on the sale?
yes, i did. i saved about $50.
that's great.
did you see "titanic"?
yes. it is a great movie.
i saw it twelve times.
i saw it eight times.
i have the dvd.
so do i.
let's go to your home.
we can watch my dvd.
and then we can go to my home.
and watch your dvd.
i always cry at the end.
let's play cards.
i don't know any card games.
i'll teach you one.
okay. what will you teach me?
it's called poker.
is it easy to learn?
yes, it will only take about 30 minutes.
okay. teach me how to play.
we each get five cards.
oh, look. i have four tens.
that's great, but you're not supposed to tell me.
i'm a good card player.
why is that?
because i watch the other players.
what do you mean?
people will tell you if they have a good hand.
how do they do that?
for example, a friend of mine licks his lips.
when he licks his lips, you know he has a good hand?
i know he has a good hand, so i don't bet.
he never wins your money?
nope, and it drives him crazy.
turn the radio down, please.
but i'm listening to it.
well, listen to it more quietly.
i can't wait till i grow up.
what will you do?
i will play the radio as loud as i want.
that's okay with me.
i will have a radio in every room of my house.
remind me to never visit you.
all the radios will be on extra loud.
your neighbors will hate you.
i hope i win the lotto.
your chances are very small.
but you can't win if you don't play.
ha! you can't win if you do play.
someone has to win.
that's what everyone says.
it might as well be me.
that's what everyone says.
you're trying to tell me something.
that didn't take long.
you think i should quit playing.
what's on tv?
nothing much.
what about the baseball game?
it got rained out.
rained out?
yes, rained out.
how could that be?
well, you can't play baseball in a rainstorm.
i thought they were playing under a dome.
the dome doesn't close.
why doesn't it close?
can i try your coffee?
sure. here you go.
hmm, that's not bad.
there's nothing in it.
what do you mean?
i mean, it's just coffee.
i figured that.
it's not too bitter for you?
it's a little bitter, but it's okay.
there's no sugar or cream in it.
no, it's a taste you have to get used to.
let's take a walk.
what's the weather like?
let me step outside and see.
it's a little chilly, right?
yes, it is.
i'll put on my cap.
wear a jacket, too.
i wonder if i should bring my gloves.
maybe you should, just in case it gets colder.
i'll put a glove in each pocket.
we'll get warmer as we walk.
look at the car chase on tv!
that driver is crazy.
i can't believe he hasn't crashed.
how fast is he going?
they say he's going 80 miles per hour.
he's going to kill someone.
look! he just hit that car.
oh, my goodness. no one is safe on the streets.
now he's slowing down.
maybe he ran out of gas.
look! he just got out of the car and started running.
tv news is so stupid.
they shouldn't even call it news.
last night they told us about a cat in a sofa.
yesterday they told us about a dog in a pipe.
last week they told us about a bear in a back yard.
last month they told us about a mouse in a restaurant.
the weatherman tells us the temperature in every town.
the sports guy shows us players fighting.
they always tell us "what's next."
they always make "what's next" sound exciting, but it never is.
it's more like news for kids.
i love my computer.
computers are so cool.
i love to go online.
the internet is amazing.
you can travel all over the world.
i know. i went to china yesterday.
what did you do?
i stood on the great wall and looked all around.
what was it like?
it was like the real thing.
it was like being there?
the beatles are the best.
they are the best musical group ever.
i love all their songs.
i don't know which one i like the best.
i like the ones i can sing along with.
so do i, like "she loves you."
"she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!..."
"Â…and you know you should be glad!"
what a great song.
how about "let it be?"
oh, yes! "let it be, let it beÂ…"
let's go to a movie.
i'd rather not.
why not?
you know i don't like crowds.
let's go to an early movie.
okay, that won't be very crowded.
what would you like to see?
oh, i don't care. you're the one who wants to go out.
well, i want to see "the pursuit of happyness."
what have you heard about it?
it's based on a true story about a divorced man and his young son.
what's your favorite thing to do?
i like to watch people.
that's your favorite thing to do?
well, it's one of them.
where do you go to watch people?
my girlfriend and i sit outside starbucks.
that sounds like a good spot.
we watch people walk by with their dogs.
i guess you see lots of different dogs.
we don't even know what kind most of them are.
there are lots of different kinds, but they all have one thing in common.
they call him father dollar bill.
yes, he was on the tv news today.
every easter sunday he gives away money.
is it his money?
no. movie stars give him money to give to homeless people.
how much money does he give away?
this year he gave away $15,000.
that's a lot of money.
he gave $100 to people in wheelchairs.
what about the other homeless people?
they got $1 each.
old movies are the best.
even though they're in black and white.
a good story is more important than color.
actors didn't curse back then.
and there was no violence.
people today don't like that.
no, today people like lots of action.
i like a good story.
i like to see actors who are like real people.
like real people with real problems.
they still make movies like that.
do you get pbs on tv?
yes, everybody gets the public broadcasting system.
it puts me to sleep.
tell me about it.
a gardening show follows a knitting show.
a cooking show follows a sewing show.
a travel show follows another travel show.
i'll say! i've gone around the world a dozen times already!
now they're adding old tv shows to the old movies.
i sure would like to see something interesting for a change.
if more people donate money, pbs could offer new shows.
i love to watch "judge judy."
is that a tv show?
yes. it's on every afternoon.
what's so good about it?
they have interesting lawsuits.
such as?
yesterday, a woman complained about a cell phone she bought on ebay.
was something wrong with the phone?
it works only in canada.
did the seller know that?
yes, and he didn't tell the buyer.
that woman is a very good singer.
yes, but she looks like a man.
what difference does it make?
female singers are supposed to be pretty.
singers are supposed to sound good.
they should look good, too.
there are lots of ugly men singers.
men singers don't have to look good.
then neither do women singers.
well, i would never buy her cd.
but you would buy her cd if she was pretty?
all the tv stations are going to go digital.
yes, that will occur next month.
most of them are already broadcasting in digital.
the digital signal is very clear.
oh, no, it isn't!
what do you mean?
i can't get a single channel.
do you have a digital tv?
of course. but i don't have cable.
you don't need to have cable, but you do need a good antenna.
but i have rabbit ears.
i've got a date for you.
oh, really?
are you interested?
maybe. what is she like?
she's got a great personality.
uh-oh. that means that she's fat and ugly.
she's cute.
okay, so she's not ugly; she's just fat.
she weighs 98 pounds.
okay, she's not fat. so what's the problem with her?
who said there is a problem with her?
i think you're very pretty.
thank you.
would you have dinner with me?
i would like to.
can i pick you up friday night?
what time?
eight o'clock.
that sounds great.
we'll go to a french restaurant.
i've never been to a french restaurant.
i think you'll love the food.
you have pretty eyes.
thank you. so do you.
i wish my eyes were blue.
what's the matter with green eyes?
nothing, except my favorite color is blue.
maybe in your next life you'll have blue eyes.
but what if i'm a fish in my next life?
i think some fish have blue eyes.
i hope i don't come back as a fish.
i hope i come back as a cat.
cats have beautiful eyes.
i love you.
i love you, too.
i loved you the first day i saw you.
it was love at first sight?
yes, it was love at first sight.
i didn't love you at first.
i know. i had to chase you for a while.
yes, you chased me and then you caught me.
now you're mine forever.
and you're mine forever.
we'll grow old together.
i'm in love with that girl.
have you told her?
of course not.
why not?
she would laugh at me.
how do you know?
because they always do.
maybe she's different.
they're all the same.
just ask her out to dinner.
and then what?
give me a hug.
i'm not in the mood.
what's the matter?
i saw you looking at that woman.
what woman?
you know, that woman with the big boobs.
i was not looking at her.
you were, too.
i'm not interested in her.
then why were you looking at her?
i was looking at something else.
would you like to go on a blind date?
you must be joking.
no, i'm serious.
i don't want to date a blind woman.
a blind date doesn't mean that she is blind!
what does it mean?
a blind date is a date with someone you don't know.
why would i date someone i don't even know?
to try something new and exciting.
what if i don't like her?
i have a date tomorrow night.
really? who with?
a girl i met at the market.
you met a girl at the supermarket?
she was standing behind me in a really slow line at the checkout counter.
what did you say to her?
i had two pineapples in my cart, and she asked where i had found them.
she asked you about your pineapples?
i told her i had gotten the last two on the shelf, but i offered her one of mine.
that was nice of you.
she asked me how she could return the favor, so i asked her out.
did you have a date friday night?
yes, in fact, i did.
who did you go out with?
a man i met in a coffee shop.
where did you go?
we went to a nice restaurant.
anywhere else?
then we went to a jazz club.
that sounds like a nice date.
yes, it was pleasant.
but you won't date him again?
i had the worst date the other night.
what happened?
first of all, he was half an hour late.
that's not a good start.
then he didn't bother to apologize.
that's rude.
then he drove too fast to the restaurant.
that's dangerous.
i thought about getting out and taking a taxi home.
what happened at the restaurant?
we had a $40 meal, and he left a $1 tip!
i don't like that man.
why not?
he's a dirty old man.
what do you mean?
he's old enough to be my father, yet he asked me out.
well, you can't blame a man for asking.
he should act his age.
but a lot of old people are still interested in dating.
they should find a nice hobby.
just wait until you're 50 years old.
dating will be the furthest thing from my mind.
does your girlfriend ever make you angry?
sometimes.
what does she do?
just yesterday, i told her i wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world.
that was a nice thing to say.
that's what i thought.
what did she say?
she laughed! she didn't believe me.
that wasn't very nice of her.
she said that nothing is more important to me than money.
what did you say?
some people have good noses.
i wish i had a good nose. mine is way too big.
i don't mean good-looking. i mean good-smelling.
oh. but that can be a curse.
yes, because you can be too sensitive to odors.
i'll say. my girlfriend has a nose like a drug dog.
did she catch you using drugs?
sort of. she knows whenever i sneak a cigarette.
you don't need a good nose for that—cigarettes stink.
but when i sneak just one cigarette in the morning, she can smell it that evening!
boy, that is a good nose.
let's go out to eat.
that sounds like fun.
where do you want to go?
let me think a minute.
i feel like chinese.
that sounds delicious.
i know a good chinese restaurant.
how far away is it?
it's only 10 minutes from here.
do we need reservations?
oh, no. we can walk right in.
i can't believe how long this line is.
this is a popular restaurant, isn't it?
yes, but it isn't a fast-food restaurant, is it?
it's the slowest hamburger in town.
that's because they cook it while you wait.
yes. that's why it's also the best hamburger in town.
a great burger and great service.
yes, the workers are very polite.
and they're clean.
i've been coming here for years.
me too.
lunch was delicious.
thank you.
what kind of soup was that?
it was tomato soup.
that tasted so good.
i put lemon and butter in it.
the sandwich was good, too.
everyone likes bacon and tomato sandwiches.
especially on toast.
and the pickles were great, too.
tomorrow we'll have rice and fish for lunch.
i'm calling the waiter.
what's the matter?
this steak has too much fat.
what do you want the waiter to do?
bring me a better steak.
i wouldn't do that.
why not?
they will drop the new steak on the floor, step on it, and then spit on it.
you're crazy.
then the waiter will give you a big smile as he brings you the new steak.
where do you get these crazy ideas?
let's leave.
but we just got here.
did you see the waiter's hands?
no.
he had dirty fingernails.
really?
his nails were black!
that's disgusting.
and he poured water into our glasses.
yuck! no water for me.
i wonder if the cooks' nails are dirty, too.
this hot bread is delicious.
i like this restaurant because they give you free bread.
well, i think we are paying for it.
no. look at the bill when we get it. there's no charge for the bread.
it is delicious, especially with butter.
i think we should just leave after we fill up on the bread.
they probably wouldn't like that.
i'm eating so much bread that i'm getting full.
then stop eating the bread!
okay, just one more piece. pass the butter, please.
if i owned a restaurant, i would never serve hot bread before the main course.
is this a clean restaurant?
well, the tables and chairs look okay.
okay, let's sit down.
check out the silverware.
it passes inspection.
here comes the waiter. see if his hands and nails are clean.
well, the waiter looked clean, so i guess it's okay to eat here.
you're forgetting about the bathroom.
i'm going to just hope that the bathroom is clean.
you're not going to examine it before we order dinner?
no, i'd rather not find out that it's dirty, because i'm pretty hungry right now.
have you seen our waiter?
here he comes now.
we've been sitting here for almost 10 minutes.
oops, i guess i was wrong. that isn't our waiter.
we can give him five more minutes, and then leave.
i'll go up front and talk to the manager.
that's a good idea.
maybe they'll give us free drinks for waiting so long.
maybe he'll send us our waiter immediately.
every time we eat out, it's an adventure.
last time, we got seats next to the kitchen.
is this table okay?
no, it's too close to the kitchen door.
how about this table?
no, it's too close to the front door.
this looks like a nice table.
no, it's too close to the salad bar.
okay, i give up.
well, there is one good table.
great. which one?
i don't believe the art world.
what is it this time?
an andy warhol drawing.
he's a famous artist.
he drew two butterflies and a flower on a napkin in a restaurant.
did he sign it?
yes.
is it beautiful?
it's just black ink on a white napkin. and the napkin has food stains!
so it's not worth much?
only about $30,000.
can we go to the baseball game?
of course.
i love baseball.
so do i.
i love to eat the peanuts.
i love to eat the hot dogs.
i hope we'll see a home run.
i hope we'll catch a foul ball.
bring a jacket.
yes. it gets a little cool at night.
bring a glove to catch a foul ball.
golf is a silly game.
it certainly is.
you hit a white ball.
and then you chase it.
and then you hit it again.
finally, you put the ball into a hole in the ground.
you do this 18 times, because there are 18 holes.
what's the point?
how can it be fun?
they pay money to play this silly game!
i think golfers have a mental problem.
do you want to go fishing?
yes. that's a good idea.
where do you want to go?
we can go to the river.
or we can go to the lake.
or we can go to the ocean.
let's go to the lake.
yes. the lake is only 10 miles away.
we can be there in 20 minutes.
i'll get our fishing rods.
i'll get the bait.
baseball is fun.
i like to hit the ball.
i like to run around the bases.
i like to slide into the bases.
yeah. it's a lot of fun to slide.
i want to be a baseball player when i grow up.
me too. i want to play for the yankees.
not me. i want to play for the dodgers.
we have to practice every day.
i don't like practice.
me neither. it's boring.
let's go jogging.
that's a good idea.
i bought some new shoes.
are they comfortable?
they're very comfortable.
how much were they?
they were on sale for $80.
do they help you run faster?
no, but my feet don't hurt anymore.
then they're worth every penny.
you might want to buy a pair.
tiger is the greatest golfer in the world.
you can say that again.
but i'm worried about tiger.
why is that?
because he likes to scuba dive.
what's wrong with that?
it can be dangerous.
you mean he could drown.
he shouldn't scuba dive until he retires.
but he dives to relax.
he might relax, but it makes me nervous.
did you watch that golf tournament?
the one that tiger won?
how did he do it?
it was nothing for him.
he sank a 20-foot putt on the last hole to win by one stroke!
he sank a 25-footer last year at the same tournament to win by one stroke.
i think he is from outer space.
no human could possibly play golf that well.
whenever he needs a shot to win a tournament, he makes that shot.
no human can do that.
somebody should check his birth record.
who's the greatest baseball player?
there are so many great players.
yes, but who is the greatest?
i'd have to say babe ruth.
most people would say that.
he changed the game.
yes, he made the home run popular.
everybody loved him, all over the nation.
he helped make the yankees the best team ever.
and ruth was a good person, too.
he always visited hospitals to cheer up sick kids.
did you hear what happened at the baseball game?
no, please tell me.
someone punched out someone.
that's not nice.
it's worse than that.
how so?
two guys got into an argument.
i'll bet they were drinking.
a third guy punched one of the two guys.
i'll bet he was drinking, too.
the victim hit his head on the concrete steps and died.
i want to go to the ball game.
is there a game tonight?
yes, it starts at 7 p.m.
can we get tickets?
yes, but only the cheap tickets.
how much are they?
they're only $5 each.
that's a good price.
yes, it's cheaper than a hot dog or a beer.
where are the seats?
they're behind the outfield.
golf is so hard.
what's so hard about hitting a little white ball?
it's hard if you want to do it right.
you mean like tiger?
no, like a good amateur golfer.
what's so hard about golf?
there are so many things you have to do right.
like what?
like keep your left arm straight, keep your head down, and follow through.
yikes! who can remember all that?
you need to get a lot of lessons when you're really young.
did you hear about the ball player?
the home run hitter on drugs?
he said a doctor helped him with a personal problem.
he said he wasn't using drugs.
he apologized to the fans.
the league suspended him for 50 games.
that will cost him some money.
yes, about $7 million.
that will teach him a good lesson.
he probably won't use drugs anymore.
but it won't stop other players from using drugs.
why is there so much crime?
because parents don't teach their kids right from wrong.
is that it?
also, there aren't enough police.
but there are a lot of police.
there's only one police officer per 100 criminals.
can't we hire more police?
no. it costs too much money.
doesn't crime cost more than police?
yes, it does.
so it would be cheaper to hire more police?
this is a great neighborhood.
yes, it is.
people are friendly.
yes, they are.
the streets and sidewalks are clean.
yes, they are.
there's a real nice park nearby.
yes, there is.
i feel safe here.
there is no crime here.
i wish i could move here.
the house burned down.
what happened?
the man fell asleep.
was he smoking?
yes, he was smoking a cigarette.
did he die?
yes, he did. his cat died, too.
that's too bad. what about his smoke alarm?
the battery was dead.
a good battery would have saved his life.
he had cigarettes, but no battery.
they say he has started fifteen big fires.
he's been in jail three times already.
why did they ever let him out?
it's the law. they can't keep him in jail forever.
why not? everyone knows he's a firebug. he loves to start fires.
i don't know. sometimes the law doesn't make sense.
but his latest fire killed someone.
this time they have charged him with murder.
so maybe he'll go to jail forever?
i sure hope so.
someone should set him on fire.
put your seatbelt on.
why?
because it will protect you in case of an accident.
but it's uncomfortable.
it's the law.
it's so much trouble.
it's common sense.
it's so tight that it's hard for me to breathe.
hold your breath till we get there.
okay, my seatbelt is on.
i'm glad you don't complain very much.
what are you doing?
i'm going to change the light bulb. it burnt out.
what are you standing on?
a couple of dictionaries and some textbooks.
are you crazy?
what's the matter?
those books will slip and you'll fall.
it's only a couple of feet.
what if you fall while you're holding the light bulb, and it breaks and pieces go
into your eyes?
i never thought about that.
you'd be blind for the rest of your life!
did you see that puddle of water on the floor?
yes. i called for a clean-up.
a puddle of water is very dangerous.
it isn't easy to see.
but it's real easy to slip on.
especially on these slick floors.
someone who slips could hurt their back.
they could even crack their head open.
we should stand here till the clean-up person gets here.
we can leave if we put an orange cone here.
yes, but i don't know where the orange cones are.
what happens when the fire alarm rings?
we tell our students to leave the classroom.
can they take their belongings?
yes, if they do it quickly.
where do the students go?
they go out to the north parking lot.
what do the teachers do?
we take our rosters to the parking lot and take roll.
why do you do that?
we want to make sure all the students are out of the building.
if they are all outside, then what?
i have to go back upstairs.
why? we're already late.
i have to check the stove.
what's the matter?
maybe i left the burner on.
no, you didn't. i checked the stove before we left.
are you sure?
of course i'm sure.
well, i have to go back upstairs anyway.
it's getting later every minute.
i think i left the water running.
the city is buying guns.
what are they paying?
up to $200 for each gun, no questions asked.
why are they doing this?
they want to get guns off the street.
who would turn in a gun for $200?
that isn't a good deal?
a good gun costs $400 or more.
well, if you bring your receipt, maybe they'll give you $400.
i'll keep my receipt and my gun.
i didn't know you had a gun.
you're yawning.
i sure am.
you should go to bed.
i will as soon as i finish this article.
what are you reading?
it's about crime in los angeles.
what does it say?
the mayor says the crime rate is going down.
then why does everyone lock their doors?
i guess they haven't read this article.
no one believes that the crime rate is going down.
people who live in california are crazy.
why is that?
because of all the earthquakes and fires.
but big earthquakes happen only once in a while.
once in a while is once too many.
but you're right. there are a lot of fires.
a recent fire destroyed 85 homes.
still, it's safer than florida.
florida doesn't have earthquakes or fires.
no, florida just has hurricanes every year from june to october.
but most of those hurricanes are harmless.
i went to hawaii on vacation.
did you like it?
i loved it. i want to live there.
what did you like?
the island is so green, and the water is so blue.
did you go swimming?
i went to the beach every day.
how was the weather?
it was hot and sunny every day.
what did you do at night?
at night i went out to eat. the food was delicious.
i like this hotel.
what do you like about it?
we get a free breakfast.
coffee and a roll?
no, a real breakfast.
bacon and eggs?
with toast, ham, sausage, fresh fruit, and juice.
wow! that is nice. let's stay for two nights.
and the rooms are clean, too.
do they allow pets?
no pets, no smoking.
i'm not sleeping here tonight.
what's the matter? this is a nice room.
maybe the room is nice, but not the bed.
what's wrong with the bed?
look at this sheet.
yes?
see those stains?
i sure do.
i'm not sleeping on that sheet.
well, just call the front desk. they'll give us new sheets.
i want sheets without stains on them.
what time does your plane leave?
it leaves at 12:15.
when do you have to be at the airport?
i have to be there two hours early.
so we have to be at the airport at 10:15.
that means we have to leave the house at 9:15.
well, it's an hour to get there, if there are no traffic problems.
so maybe we better leave at 8:15?
yes, it's better to get there too early than too late.
i agree.
you never know what might happen on these freeways.
i need to fly to new york.
when are you going?
during the christmas holidays.
you'd better buy your ticket now.
you must be kidding.
no, i'm not. it's march. time is running out. seats are selling out right now.
i thought i would wait until october.
i'll bet this is the first time you've ever flown during christmas.
you're right.
well, listen to me. you need to buy a ticket now.
but maybe prices will be cheaper in october.
i hate flying.
so do i.
a long time ago, flying used to be okay.
now it's like riding a bus.
you're jammed in with people all around you.
half of them are coughing, and the other half are sneezing.
you don't have any elbow room or knee room.
people are always getting up to use the bathroom.
kids are crying or climbing over you.
it's a flying zoo!
i wish i could afford first class seats.
some guy rowed across the atlantic ocean.
good for him.
why would he do that?
did he set a new record?
yes, i think he did.
well, i guess that's why he did it.
what's the point?
now he has the world record!
but someone's going to break it, so what good is it?
well, he can enjoy it while it lasts.
i don't think he even got paid for it.
i want to go on a cruise ship.
that sounds like fun. where do you want to go?
i want to cruise to hawaii.
that should be a nice trip. lots of fun, and lots of food.
i have no idea how much it will cost.
i think it depends on the season and on your cabin.
well, of course i want to go when the weather is nice.
yes, you don't want to travel in winter storms.
and i want to get a big cabin with a view.
are you going to travel alone?
no, my sister and i will travel together.
i hate to fly.
because of all the security?
no, because it hurts my ears.
what do you mean?
every time we land or take off, my ears hurt so much.
that's just the altitude change, i think.
whatever it is, it hurts.
can't you take medicine or something for it?
i've tried everything, but nothing works.
have you tried earplugs?
they don't work, either.
spring break starts tomorrow.
are you going to go anywhere?
i was thinking of driving to arizona.
to the grand canyon?
yes. i've never been there.
i was there when i was a kid.
how did you like it?
i loved it. i still remember how amazing it was.
i'm sure i'll like it, too.
you should try riding a mule on a trail to the bottom.
no way! i don't want to fall to my death.
that hotel was terrible.
the worst in the whole world.
the walls were so thin.
all day long we heard tvs or telephones.
all night long we heard people snoring.
housekeeping didn't give us fresh towels.
room service brought us a cold dinner.
our nonsmoking room stunk of cigarette smoke.
our room was right next to the elevator and the ice machine.
they added phony charges to our bill.
how did we end up in that terrible hotel?
i have to hang up. i'm so sleepy.
it's not even 10 o'clock.
i'm falling asleep on the phone.
you got up real early.
i had to take my friend to the airport.
why didn't you take a nap when you got home?
i didn't get home until 30 minutes ago.
why is that?
there was a bomb threat at the airport.
only a threat?
yes, but i was stuck there all day while they looked for the bomb.
my dad went to washington, d.c.
why did he do that?
he was invited, along with about 90 other veterans.
who invited them?
some private organization.
why did they invite him?
to thank him and all the other soldiers who served in world war ii.
that's very nice.
my dad got to see the beautiful new world war ii monument.
that trip must have cost a lot of money.
that was a great trip to washington, d.c.
tell me about it, dad.
about 90 of us world war ii veterans got on the plane at 8 a.m.
how long was the flight?
it only took about two hours.
did you take pictures at the world war ii monument?
oh, yes. we all took lots of pictures.
then you flew back home that evening?
yes. when we landed, tv reporters and the army band were there.
that must have made you feel really special.
oh, it did. there were about 300 people there to honor us.
i need a job.
i thought you had a job.
i did.
what happened?
i got laid off.
that's terrible! when did it happen?
i got laid off last week.
just you?
no, ten of my coworkers got laid off, too.
what are you going to do?
i'm looking in the newspaper for a job.
before you go to that interview, check yourself.
what's to check?
are your nails clean?
yes, they are.
did you double-check your nose and teeth?
they are clean, too.
did you shine your shoes?
my shoes are shined.
do your socks match?
of course they match.
no, they don't. one is black and one is dark blue.
life is hard.
it sure is.
i thought school was hard.
me, too. i couldn't wait to graduate.
but now work is hard, too.
i agree. work is just as hard as school.
sometimes i wish i was back in school.
me, too. school was fun.
and it was only 12 years.
it went by pretty fast.
but work goes on forever!
i'm sleepy.
so am i.
i had a long day.
so did i.
i didn't even have lunch.
neither did i.
i was busy the whole day.
so was i.
i had to bring work home with me.
i did too.
your day was just like mine.
i don't like my job.
what do you do?
i'm a babysitter.
is that a lot of work?
babies cry all the time.
you have to change their diapers.
i have to feed them.
are you looking for another job?
no, i'm looking for another family.
another family?
a family with only one baby.
i need a job.
what was your last job?
i was a painter.
what happened?
i got laid off because there was no work.
what else can you do?
i'm a handyman.
can you fix a dripping faucet in a kitchen sink?
of course.
then i have a job for you in my kitchen.
it will cost you only $20 plus parts.
what would you do if you lost your job?
i have no idea. i've been here for 20 years.
do you have any other skills?
well, i know how to flip hamburgers.
no one would hire you to flip hamburgers.
have you heard something that you're not telling me?
what do you mean?
are there going to be layoffs at this place?
i certainly hope not!
if you got laid off, you'd be flipping hamburgers, too.
oh great, we could both work at burger king.
do your students ever talk about their jobs?
yes, and they ask me what jobs are the best.
i tell my students to become a teacher.
teaching is a great job.
it's the best job i've ever had.
what makes it so good?
for me, it's the students.
what do you mean?
i mean i have wonderful students.
that must be nice.
teaching is the best part of my whole day.
boy, i'm glad that job is finished.
how long did it take?
four hours, without a break.
it's always nice to finish a job.
well, it's good and bad.
what's bad about it?
when you finish, all you do is start another job!
yes, that's right. it does get boring.
especially if it's the same work, over and over.
but that's what most people do.
yes, i guess most of us are stuck in a routine.
i think i have the worst boss in the world.
what makes him so bad?
he's rude and he yells a lot.
that's hard to take.
i've never heard him say please or thank you.
he sounds like a real jerk.
no one at work likes him.
can't you report him to his supervisor?
of course not. if i do that, i'll lose my job.
yes, they don't like troublemakers or complainers.
i can't quit, because i'm making a good salary.
what are we going to do?
about what?
about finding a job for me.
you don't need a job. i make enough money for both of us.
that doesn't matter. i don't want to sit around.
okay, what kind of job do you want?
i'm not sure.
well, you should do something that you enjoy.
i enjoy selling. i was born to sell.
okay, what do you want to sell?
cigarette lighters. i'll make a fortune.
a new hotel is looking for workers.
yes, i saw it on the tv news.
they need 300 new workers.
and 4,000 people showed up.
so many people are out of work.
i still have my job, thank goodness.
so do i, but i'm worried.
me too. there are no guarantees.
if you lose your job, you can move in with me.
oh, thank you. that's very nice of you.
you would do the same for me.
i think i did something real stupid.
what did you do?
i bought some stock.
everybody buys stock.
i bought it on a hunch.
you didn't read about the company first?
i didn't have to. it's been in business for 60 years.
so what's the problem?
i used all my savings on this one company.
you put all your eggs into one basket.
if the company goes out of business, i'll have nothing.
i was going to be a doctor.
what happened to your plans?
i got a d in college chemistry.
well, a d is better than an f.
a tutor helped me get the d!
so, you didn't become a doctor.
and now i'm glad that i didn't.
why's that?
a hospital is the most dangerous place in the world.
oh, yes, because of all the killer germs.
if you're a smart doctor, you stay away from hospitals.
i want to be a mail carrier when i grow up.
why?
because you get to meet a lot of people.
you sure do.
and you get a lot of exercise every day.
that's the truth.
and you get to play with a lot of dogs.
well, you're supposed to be working.
yes, but i will always pet the friendly dogs.
what about the unfriendly dogs?
i think if you are friendly to dogs, they are friendly to you.
i want to move to new york.
to the state or the city?
to the city, of course.
why do you want to move there?
because i want to make a lot of money.
there are a lot of poor people in new york.
there sure are—at least a million.
so how do you plan to become rich?
i will knock on the doors of all the corporations.
that won't make you rich. nobody will talk to you.
i will keep knocking on doors.
i love salads.
me too.
i usually eat a simple salad.
what do you put in it?
just lettuce, tomato, and celery.
that's it?
i add some pepper and salt.
i always put cheese in my salads.
yes, cheese is nice.
what kind of dressing do you use?
i pour lots of french dressing on top.
i love cheese.
me too.
where does cheese come from?
it comes from cows.
so we get cheese from cows, and we get milk, too?
yes, we do.
what else do we get from cows?
we get hamburgers and steak.
oh, that's so delicious.
we also get leather.
we get a lot of things from cows, don't we?
i used to work in a deli.
how did you like it?
i loved it!
did you get free food?
i ate free cheese and meat every day.
that sounds like a great job.
whatever a customer ordered, i sliced off a little more for me.
did you get fat?
no, but i did put on a few pounds.
that sounds like a dream job.
it was, until one day my manager caught me.
i'm on a new diet.
what are you eating now?
i switched from pasta to potatoes.
why did you do that?
pasta is processed food. potatoes are natural food.
natural food has more vitamins.
and it's just as easy to prepare.
how do you prepare the potatoes?
i wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.
that's pretty simple.
then i add butter, salt, and pepper.
my girlfriend's mom got mad at me at the dinner table.
why was that?
i sprinkled salt and pepper on the food before i tasted it.
what's the matter with that?
her mom is a great cook.
so, a little salt and pepper never hurt anything.
it hurt her feelings.
oh.
i apologized to her, but i could tell she was still upset.
maybe you shouldn't eat there again.
i'm sure everything will be okay in a day or two.
i eat the same thing every day.
you're kidding.
no, i'm serious.
doesn't that get old?
no, because i'm eating food that i like.
but the same thing day after day gets old.
well, i guess if it ever does get old, i'll change to something different.
do you eat fruits and vegetables every day?
no, i hate vegetables.
but you eat fruits.
i eat two apples, one banana, and one orange every day.
there's something wrong with my orange.
what's wrong?
it's not orange!
your orange isn't orange?
no, it's dark pink!
are you sure? i never heard of such a thing.
i just peeled it, and i'm looking at it right now.
let me see. yes, you're right. your orange is pink.
who ever heard of such a thing?
oh, look. here's the little sticker that was on it. it's called a pink navel.
what is this world coming to?
i love peanuts.
me, too. i love them roasted and salted.
i love boiled peanuts.
boiled? i never heard of that.
just boil raw peanuts in salt water until the shells are soft.
i'll have to try them sometime.
they're best when they're hot.
my brother is allergic to peanuts.
that's not good.
no, it isn't. he almost died when he was little.
i guess he has to be very careful about what he eats.
i'm gaining weight.
how much have you gained?
three pounds just this month.
do you know why?
i think it's the ice cream.
you started eating ice cream?
it was on sale.
how much did you buy?
i filled up my freezer with ice cream.
well, it won't last forever.
no, i figure i'll finish it all by next week.
i'm stuffed.
of course you are. you ate everything on the table.
i don't like to eat leftovers.
i'm glad to hear there's something you don't like to eat.
i like my food hot and fresh.
you like to see it disappear.
i don't like it reheated.
well, you'll have hot fresh food tomorrow night.
i'm so full i'm going to burst.
you should loosen your belt.
i already loosened my belt and unbuttoned my pants.
i saw what you did.
i didn't do anything.
oh yes, you did.
what are you talking about?
you know what i'm talking about.
i don't have any idea.
you know what you did.
maybe i know, but how could you know?
because i was watching you.
okay, i'm sorry i did it.
don't drink milk out of the carton. use a glass!
i like that shirt.
so do i.
how much is it?
i don't know. the tag is missing.
ask the clerk.
i will.
oh, look. here's another shirt just like it.
does it have a price tag?
yes, it does. it's only $20.
that's a great price.
i think i'll buy both of them.
i bought you a pair of pants.
thank you.
i hope they fit.
i hope you kept the receipt.
you think they won't fit?
i think i've put on some weight.
you think?
maybe a pound or two.
maybe four or five pounds?
my waist is bigger than it was.
no problem. these pants have an elastic waistband.
what do we need to buy?
let me look at our list.
i know that we need milk.
nonfat.
of course. what else?
we need cheese, bread, and ham.
what kind of cheese?
swiss.
of course, the cheese with holes in it.
i never used to buy swiss cheese.
why not?
i need some pants.
i thought you just bought a pair.
i did.
what's wrong with them so soon?
the pants are fine, but the pocket has a huge hole in it.
you shouldn't carry your keys and pens in your pocket.
but that's what pockets are for.
you should carry them in a purse.
i'm a man, and men don't carry purses!
well, you should buy pants with stronger pockets.
i would if i could find someone who makes strong pockets.
what are those wipes for?
you use them to wipe the handle of the shopping cart.
that's a great idea.
yes, all the markets just started offering wipes to shoppers.
i'm going to take five wipes.
what do you need five of them for?
one to wipe the handle, and the others to wipe the produce.
what's the matter with the produce?
do you think the bananas fell from the sky?
what do you mean?
i mean, someone used their dirty hands to pick the bananas, the apples, and the
oranges.
did you go to the 99 cents store?
yes, i did.
what did you buy?
well, i got a lot of good deals, as usual.
like what?
well, a dozen large eggs were only 99 cents.
that's a good deal.
and a one-pound tub of soft butter was the same price.
another good deal.
but the best deal was five pounds of potatoes for 99 cents.
i don't know how that store makes money.
i need a new computer.
what's the matter with yours?
it's six years old.
that's pretty old.
it still works, but i'm going to give it to a charity.
are you going to buy a desktop or laptop?
oh, a laptop, of course.
a pc or a mac?
i haven't decided yet.
more and more people are using macs.
but 90 percent of the world uses pcs.
i got ripped off.
what happened?
i had a car problem, so i went online.
did you find a solution?
yes, i did. a site i went to said they would send me the solution.
so, what's the problem?
i sent them $20 using my credit card, but they never sent me the solution.
what are you going to do?
i sent them an email asking for my money back.
have you heard from them?
not yet. it's been a week.
where's the pencil sharpener?
which one?
any one. i need to sharpen this pencil.
i think there's one on the dining room table.
i already looked there.
did you look in the desk drawer?
yes, i looked there, too.
don't we have about five sharpeners?
yes, but they seem to have legs.
tomorrow i'm going to buy an electric sharpener.
get one with the rubber suction cups on the bottom.
i'm trying to stretch my dollars.
how are you doing that?
i started shopping at the dollar store.
that saves a lot of money.
i bought three pounds of potatoes for a dollar.
that's a good deal.
yes, even though some of the potatoes had eyes.
just put them in the fridge.
also, i bought a can of cheap coffee and a bag of good coffee.
why did you do that?
i mixed them together.
i really like this house.
can we afford it?
they want 20 percent down.
that's a lot of money.
but the house is so nice.
it's in a great neighborhood.
it's close to the beach.
it's close to the freeways.
it's got a big yard.
the kids love the house, too.
if we don't buy it, someone else will.
we can't afford this house.
are you sure?
we will be house rich, but cash poor.
what do you mean?
our monthly payments will be too high.
we won't have any money for other things?
no, we won't have money for gas or food.
we'll be eating peanut butter sandwiches?
without the peanut butter!
that's no good!
we have to find a cheaper house.
that is a beautiful house.
i don't like it.
what's the matter with it?
it's on the corner.
so?
that means it gets twice as much traffic.
you're right.
when you're inside, you will always hear cars stopping and stopping at the
intersection.
or you'll hear the collision if someone doesn't stop.
or you'll see the collision if they crash into the house.
let's find a house that's at the end of a dead end.
i hate looking for an apartment.
me, too.
we have a 2 o'clock appointment to see the one on main street.
we'd better get ready to go.
it's an upstairs unit.
that's good, because i don't want to live under people with loud feet.
and it's a corner unit.
that's great. we won't have neighbors on both sides of us.
no pets are allowed.
perfect. we don't have to listen to barking dogs.
and there are only six units in the whole building.
did you call the manager?
yes. he said he'd come over tomorrow.
did he say what time?
yes. he said he'd be here at 9 o'clock.
did he understand what the problem is?
yes. i told him our doorbell doesn't work.
it shouldn't take him long to fix it.
i don't even know why we need to fix it.
in case we have visitors.
but they can just knock on the door.
actually, i want him to look at our carpet, too.
do you like this house?
yes, it's beautiful.
it's perfect for us and the kids.
three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a big back yard.
and we can afford it!
so are we going to buy it?
i'm afraid not.
it's too far from your job, isn't it?
i can't spend four hours on the road every day.
by the time you get home, you'll be too tired to even eat.
i won't be able to play with the kids.
boy, it's chilly outside, isn't it?
it sure is.
in fact, it's chilly in the apartment, too.
let's turn on the heat.
i'll check to make sure that all the windows are shut.
it should be warmer in a few minutes.
it's so nice to have a heated apartment.
how did they survive in the old days?
they had fireplaces.
someone had to chop the wood.
and carry it into the house.
this is a nice neighborhood.
the streets are clean and quiet.
the neighbors don't party on the weekends.
people take care of their lawns.
no rusty old cars are sitting in the front yards.
we never have to call the police about anything.
our kids are completely safe.
so why are we selling our house?
they're building a 3-story apartment building on the corner.
so we've got to sell before property values go down?
yes. i still can't believe our city council allowed this building.
that was a huge fire in santa barbara.
yes, it was.
they said about 30 houses burned to the ground.
and they were expensive houses.
i feel so sorry for those people.
why feel sorry for rich people?
i feel sorry for anyone who loses their home.
so do i, but not if they're rich.
what does that have to do with it?
rich people think they're better than us.
how many rich people do you know?
bears are invading our neighborhoods.
of course they are. they're starving to death.
they should stay in the woods where they belong.
there's no food in the woods.
can't they eat grass?
do you think a bear is a cow?
well, i've seen them eating berries.
berries aren't in season all year round.
it's too dangerous for kids and pets.
people need to cover their trash cans.
the police need to shoot all the bears.
who did you vote for?
i voted for obama.
me too.
he will be a great president.
everyone likes him.
he's a good speaker.
and he's really smart.
he will solve our problems.
he will end the war.
the next four years will be good years.
i'll vote for him next time, too.
the election is next week.
who are you voting for?
i'm not voting for the mayor.
why not?
he made promises that he didn't keep.
like what?
he promised to hire 1,000 more police officers.
how many did he hire?
one hundred!
maybe he had a good reason.
maybe he's just a liar.
i can't believe he won the election.
only 15 percent of the voters turned out.
that is a joke.
voting is so important, but people don't bother.
many people think their vote doesn't matter.
the mayor won by only 2,000 votes.
we're stuck with him for four more years.
voting is so easy. you can even mail your ballot in.
all you have to do is vote and put a stamp on it.
how easy is that?
i guess people just don't care.
well, we have a new president.
but we have the same old problems.
well, he's made a few changes.
like what?
i think he closed the bowling alley in the white house.
oh, yeah. he's changing it to a basketball court.
who's paying for that?
i think we are!
well, that's okay, as long as it helps him relax and think more clearly.
yes, we need a relaxed president who thinks clearly.
do any other world leaders have a basketball court?
people say that everybody loves obama.
well, more than 50 million people voted for mccain.
that's 50 million people who don't love obama.
obama's got four years to make everyone happy.
he's never going to make everyone happy.
can you imagine being president?
everyone wants you to solve their problems.
i have enough stress from trying to solve my own problems.
you and everybody else.
i would never want to be president.
but think about all the power you'd have.
did you read this article?
what article?
it says the mayor spends only 11 percent of his time on city duties.
only 11 percent?
about 50 percent of the time he's traveling.
where does he travel to?
oh, all over the world.
but he's supposed to be making our city a better place.
he's visiting other cities to get ideas.
can't he just go online?
the rest of the time he's raising money for his reelection.
who did you vote for for president?
i voted for ralph nader.
who in the world is ralph nader?
he's the best man for president.
why's that?
he hates corporations.
well, most corporations do think only about money.
he hates democrats and republicans.
well, they do put their party before their country.
he's the only candidate that i trust.
but he didn't have a chance. nobody voted for him!
i don't know why i bother to vote.
why's that?
what good does it do?
you get to put someone in power that you like.
only if my candidate wins.
well, he can't win unless you and others vote for him.
but even if my candidate wins, he'll break his promises.
that's true. they promise anything just so they get elected.
and when elected, they go their own way.
they forget who put them in power.
they forget where they came from.
that election for u.s. senator stunk.
what do you mean?
there were more votes than voters!
but that's impossible.
officials said that it's possible.
did they explain how it's possible?
no. they said there are some things you can't explain.
so are they going to hold another election?
no. that will cost too much money.
so it's better to save money than to have an honest election?
well, the democratic party says it was an honest election.
i see that former president bush is at a conference.
yes. he's telling jokes about his eight years as president.
yes, those eight years were a lot of fun for everyone.
only 4,000 american soldiers were killed overseas.
not to mention 40,000 wounded soldiers.
but bush visited some of them in the hospital once.
that's nice that he found the time to make a visit.
he spoke to them and made them feel better.
did he speak to every family that lost a soldier?
no, he didn't have time to do that.
well, he's got plenty of time now!
did you get your official sample ballot?
yes, with the voter instructions.
how are you going to vote?
same as ever, by mail. all it costs me is a 42-cent stamp.
i meant, are you going to vote for or against the new taxes?
against all of them, of course.
but we need new taxes to pay for highways, schools, and prisons.
we've already voted for new taxes to pay for all that stuff!
that's true. where did that money go?
our legislators spent it on first-class travel all over the world.
they are having a good time with our money.
have you decided how you are going to vote?
do you mean on measures 1, 2, and 3?
yes. the ones that will improve our schools, roads, and hospitals.
you mean the measures that will raise our taxes.
but the tv ads say that our taxes will not increase.
do you believe the tv ads?
i like the one where the fireman tells us why we should vote yes.
don't believe him! whatever the tv ads tell you, the opposite is true.
but the title of measure 1 is "better schools at no cost."
the title should be "better schools at huge cost."
i can't believe that they would lie to us.
i have a stomachache.
is it something you ate?
maybe. i'm not sure.
what did you have for breakfast?
the usual, cereal with milk and a banana.
maybe the milk was bad.
it didn't smell bad.
maybe the banana was bad.
no, the banana was delicious.
maybe you just need to go to the bathroom.
no, that's not the problem.
what's this stain?
i don't know.
it looks like blood.
i think my nose was bleeding.
you should wet your shirt immediately.
why?
because that gets the blood out of the shirt.
what's a little blood?
your white shirt is ruined.
so, i'll just buy another one.
you can wear this one around the house.
my fingers hurt.
why do they hurt?
i type too much.
you should take a break.
i need to type to make money.
but typing is causing you pain.
maybe i should see a doctor.
doctors are too expensive.
he might tell me to rest for a while.
he might want to cut you open.
he might say i'm okay.
what did the doctor say?
he thinks i have too much stress.
stress causes your stomachaches?
stress causes different problems with different people.
so what did he tell you to do?
he said i need to think positive.
he didn't give you any medication?
i hate medication. it makes me feel different.
so how do you think positive?
i think about nice things.
like what?
i cut my finger.
how did you do that?
it's a paper cut.
paper can be dangerous.
it hurts, too.
paper cuts can hurt a lot.
where are the band-aids?
i think they're in the medicine cabinet.
it's on the tip of my finger.
a band-aid might not work.
i must not use this finger until the cut heals.
do you smell that?
oh, yes.
i can't stand cigarette smoke.
it smells so bad.
one cigarette stinks up the whole sidewalk.
smokers think they are so cool.
they are so weak.
a little cigarette controls them.
they look so stupid taking a puff.
and then they blow smoke out of their mouth.
they think it's cool.
do you have a cold?
yes, i do.
how did you get it?
my sister had a cold. she gave it to me.
have you taken anything for your cold?
no, i just blow my nose a lot.
your nose is stopped up?
yes. i have to breathe through my mouth.
have you tried nose drops?
no, i don't like nose drops.
they work great.
would you put suntan lotion on my back, please?
sure.
thank you.
you shouldn't lie in the sun for too long.
i want to get a tan. i don't want to look so pale.
what's wrong with looking pale?
people think you might be sick.
who thinks that?
i don't know.
it's better to be pale than to have skin cancer.
i know that.
i can't quit smoking.
of course you can.
i don't have enough will power.
of course you do.
i wish i had never started.
so does every smoker.
i've tried to quit so many times.
so has everyone else.
nothing seems to work.
all it takes is will power, and you have it.
then why can't i quit?
my back is killing me.
what did you do?
i got out of my car.
that's it?
i injured my back one time just by sneezing.
you should see a doctor.
my doctor said i need surgery.
so?
so, forget it.
you don't have the money?
i have no insurance.
my brother smokes three packs a day.
three packs of what?
cigarettes, of course.
how can he do that?
when he is almost finished with one cigarette, he uses it to light another.
he's a chain smoker.
he's been a chain smoker for 30 years.
that's unbelievable. can he still breathe?
he can, but the people around him can't.
how can he still be alive?
his doctor says his heart and lungs are strong and healthy.
i hate brushing my teeth.
it's such a chore.
brush, brush. spit, spit.
what did they do in the old days?
they brushed with their fingers.
they also ate with their fingers!
why do they call it the good old days?
maybe because they didn't have to brush and floss.
who invented flossing?
a dentist, i'm sure.
i hate flossing more than brushing!
let's stop for a while. i need a break and some water.
this trail is hard to climb.
especially on a hot day like this.
i can't believe we haven't seen any animals.
thank goodness! i don't want to see any wild animals.
all we've seen so far is a couple of lizards.
we're hiking to lose weight, not to see goats and bears.
i bet i've lost a couple of pounds already.
all you've lost is some sweat.
i haven't even lost one pound of fat?
if you want to lose fat, you've got to do this hike every day.
oh no, another pimple on my face.
pimples suck.
it seems like i get a new pimple almost every day.
maybe it's something in your diet.
no, i eat the same things day after day.
then maybe it's in your genes.
you might be right.
do pimples run in your family?
not that i've noticed.
well, maybe it's from the pollution in the air.
whatever the cause, i hate seeing them on my face.
do you believe everything you hear?
i don't believe anything i don't see with my own eyes.
you can't believe what you hear on tv or radio.
you can't believe what you read in the newspapers.
everyone tells you a different story about the same thing.
three different people will give you three different stories.
and the government will give you a fourth story.
yes, like the government says not to worry about the swine flu.
but the swine flu just killed 20 people in mexico.
the government says we have nothing to worry about.
then why are some schools telling the kids to stay home?
don't pick your nose.
i wasn't picking my nose.
what were you doing?
i was scratching my nose.
i think i know the difference between picking and scratching.
okay, mom, maybe i was picking it a little bit.
use a tissue next time.
i didn't have a tissue.
then wait till you find a tissue.
i couldn't wait. it was an emergency.
oh, really? maybe you should have called 911.
our tv remote is filthy.
yes, it's covered with crud.
i'm going to clean it.
don't use water on it!
i'll use a damp cloth.
don't let water get into any of the cracks.
i'll squeeze the cloth so it's almost dry.
don't rub the numbers off the remote.
i will rub gently but firmly.
do it quickly, please, so i can change channels during commercials.
i'll give it back to you in a couple of minutes.
my ear is killing me.
what's the matter?
i was on a plane.
so?
so, every time the plane goes up, my ear starts to hurt.
that's no good.
sometimes the pain goes away, and sometimes it doesn't.
have you seen a doctor?
i've been to two doctors.
and they couldn't fix your problem?
they both said i have to live with it.
did you see the woman with the new face?
did she get a nice job?
she got an "everything" job!
what do you mean?
a team of doctors gave her a whole new face.
why did they do that?
a mad dog bit most of her face off.
oh, that's terrible. what does she look like now?
her face is really fat, but they say the swelling will go down.
and then will she look normal again?
i guess so.
there's something wrong with my right hand.
what's wrong with it?
it aches most of the time.
what do you think it is?
i don't know. i think it's old age.
if it's old age, why don't both of your hands hurt?
that's a good question. maybe it's not old age.
are you right-handed?
yes. all my life.
you're wearing out your right hand. stop using it so much.
but i do all my writing with my right hand.
i'm fine. how about yourself?
i'm pretty good. thanks for asking.
no problem. so how have you been?
i've been great. what about you?
i've been good. i'm in school right now.
what school do you go to?
i go to pcc.
do you like it there?
it's okay. it's a really big campus.
good luck with school.
thank you very much.
i'm doing well. how about you?
never better, thanks.
so how have you been lately?
i've actually been pretty good. you?
i'm actually in school right now.
which school do you attend?
i'm attending pcc right now.
are you enjoying it there?
it's not bad. there are a lot of people there.
good luck with that.
thanks.
i'm doing great. what about you?
i'm absolutely lovely, thank you.
everything's been good with you?
i haven't been better. how about yourself?
i started school recently.
where are you going to school?
i'm going to pcc.
how do you like it so far?
i like it so far. my classes are pretty good right now.
i wish you luck.
i know. i think it may rain.
it's the middle of summer, it shouldn't rain today.
that would be weird.
yeah, especially since it's ninety degrees outside.
i know, it would be horrible if it rained and it was hot outside.
yes, it would be.
i really wish it wasn't so hot every day.
me too. i can't wait until winter.
i like winter too, but sometimes it gets too cold.
i'd rather be cold than hot.
me too.
you're right. i think it's going to rain later.
in the middle of the summer, it shouldn't be raining.
that wouldn't seem right.
considering that it's over ninety degrees outside, that would be weird.
exactly, it wouldn't be nice if it started raining. it's too hot.
i know, you're absolutely right.
i wish it would cool off one day.
that's how i feel, i want winter to come soon.
i enjoy the winter, but it gets really cold sometimes.
i know what you mean, but i'd rather be cold than hot.
that's exactly how i feel.
that is true. i hope it doesn't rain.
it wouldn't rain in the middle of the summer.
it wouldn't seem right if it started raining right now.
it would be weird if it started raining in ninety degree weather.
any rain right now would be pointless.
that's right, it really would be.
i want it to cool down some.
i know what you mean, i can't wait until it's winter.
winter is great. i wish it didn't get so cold sometimes though.
i would rather deal with the winter than the summer.
yes, it is.
it looks like it may rain soon.
yes, and i hope that it does.
why is that?
i really love how rain clears the air.
me too. it always smells so fresh after it rains.
yes, but i love the night air after it rains.
really? why is it?
because you can see the stars perfectly.
i really hope it rains today.
yeah, me too.
it really is.
it seems that it may rain today.
hopefully it will.
how come?
i like how clear the sky gets after it rains.
i feel the same way. it smells so good after it rains.
i especially love the night air when it rains.
really? why?
the stars look so much closer after it rains.
i really want it to rain today.
yeah, so do i.
yes, i think so too.
i think that it's going to rain.
i hope that it does rain.
you like the rain?
the sky looks so clean after it rains. i love it.
i understand. rain does make it smell cleaner.
i love most how it is at night after it rains.
how come?
you can see the stars so much more clearly after it rains.
i would love for it to rain today.
that sounds like fun. what's the weather going to be like?
i heard that it's going to be warm this weekend.
is it going to be perfect beach weather?
i believe so.
good. i hope it doesn't cool off this weekend.
i know. i really want to go to the beach.
but you know that california weather is really unpredictable.
you're right. one minute it's hot, and then the next minute it's cold.
i really wish the weather would just stay the same.
i do too. that way we can have our activities planned ahead of time.
yeah, that would make things a lot easier.
a trip to the beach would be fun. how is the weather going to be?
the forecast says that it will be warm on the weekend.
so do you think it'll be perfect weather for the beach?
it sounds like it will be.
i really hope it doesn't get cold.
that would ruin things, i want to go so badly.
the weather in california is unpredictable, so you never know.
that is true. the weather is constantly changing.
it would be nice if the weather would never change.
that would be great, then we could plan things sooner.
true. predictable weather would make life easier.
what's the weather going to be like? i may want to go too.
the weather this weekend is supposed to be warm.
will it be good beach weather?
i think it will be.
it wouldn't be good if it got cold this weekend.
i want this trip to be perfect, i hope it stays warm.
this california weather is so uncertain, it's impossible to know what'll happen.
i know. every day the weather seems different.
i would love it if it wasn't always so unpredictable.
that would make it easier for us to make plans.
this is she. how's it going?
i've been trying to call you all day.
sorry about that. i was cleaning up.
it's okay.
so what were you calling me about?
oh, i just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out tomorrow.
sure, what did you want to do?
maybe we can go see a movie or something.
that sounds like fun. let's do it.
i'll see you tomorrow then.
see you then. goodbye.
speaking. what's up?
why haven't you answered the phone?
my bad, i had chores to do.
that's all right.
what was the reason for your call?
i want to do something tomorrow with you.
sounds good. what did you have in mind?
i was thinking about seeing a movie.
okay, let's go see a movie.
until then.
talk to you later.
you're talking to her.
i've called you a hundred times today.
i was busy doing something. i apologize.
no problem.
did you need something?
do you want to do something tomorrow?
is there somewhere special you wanted to go?
how about a movie?
a movie sounds good.
call me tomorrow then.
no, i haven't.
she's really pretty.
describe her to me.
she's not too tall.
well, how tall is she?
she's about five feet even.
what does she look like, though?
she has pretty light brown eyes.
i may know which girl you're talking about.
so you have seen her around?
yes, i have.
i haven't seen her yet.
i think that she is very pretty.
tell me how she looks.
she's kind of short.
what height is she?
she's probably about five feet.
that's nice, but tell me what she looks like.
the first thing i noticed was her beautiful brown eyes.
i think i might've bumped into her before.
are you telling me that you've seen her before?
i believe so.
no. have you?
she's one of the prettiest girls at the school.
what does she look like?
well, she's quite short.
how tall would you say that she is?
i would say she's only five feet.
what about her facial features?
she has light brown eyes, absolutely beautiful.
i think i know who you're talking about.
have you seen her?
i wasn't really feeling well.
what was wrong with you?
my stomach was upset.
do you feel better now?
i don't really feel too well yet.
do you want anything to make you feel better?
no, thanks. i already took some medicine.
i hope you feel better.
thank you.
i was sick.
how were you sick?
i had a stomachache.
did it get any better?
i'm still feeling under the weather.
would you like anything for your stomach?
i took something earlier.
get better.
thanks a lot.
i stayed home because i wasn't feeling well.
what was your problem?
my stomach was bothering me.
are you feeling any better?
i'm still feeling a little sick.
i'm going to the store, would you like any pepto bismol?
that's okay.
i hope you feel better.
no, i haven't.
i got a promotion at my job.
did you really?
seriously, i am so excited.
well, congratulations.
thank you.
i'm so happy for you.
really?
yes. you really deserved this.
you think so?
yes. good for you.
you haven't told me anything yet.
i got a promotion at work earlier this week.
is that right?
it's the truth. i am really happy.
congratulations on your promotion.
thank you very much.
i am really excited for you.
are you really?
i'm serious. you deserved this promotion.
is that what you really think?
yes, i do.
i haven't heard anything.
my boss offered me a promotion, and i took it.
are you serious?
yes, i am really excited.
that's great. congratulations.
i appreciate that.
you have no idea how happy i am for you.
for real?
thank you. i just got this outfit the other day.
really, where did you get it?
i got it from macy's.
it's really nice.
thanks again. you look nice today, too.
thank you. i just got these shoes today.
really? what kind of shoes are they?
these are called all star chuck taylors.
i really like those. how much did they cost?
they were about forty dollars.
i think i'm going to go buy myself a pair.
you do? i just bought this outfit a couple days ago.
seriously, it looks really nice on you. where did you buy it from?
i bought it from the macy's at the santa anita mall.
i really like that outfit.
thanks. i think you look nice today, too.
thank you. i just bought these new shoes earlier today.
those are nice. what are they?
these are some chucks.
those are great. how much were they?
i got them for forty.
i think i might go and find me my own pair of chucks.
is that right? this is a brand new outfit.
what store did you get it from?
i went to macy's and picked it out.
i love your outfit right now.
well, i think you look nice today too.
thanks. i found these new shoes earlier at the store.
i think that those are some really nice shoes. what kind are they?
these are chucks.
your shoes look really nice. how much did you get them for?
they only cost me about forty dollars.
i enjoy drawing and painting.
you know how to draw and paint?
yes, i do.
when did you learn how to do that?
i learned back in high school.
oh, so you took an art class?
yeah, i loved that class.
i see that you're pretty talented.
thank you very much.
i wish i had a talent like that.
i'm sure you have a talent. it's just hidden.
i've always liked to draw and paint.
i didn't know you knew how to draw and paint.
i do it every once in a while.
how long have you known how to do that?
i first learned how to do it in high school.
did you take some sort of art class or something?
that was my favorite class.
you have got to be talented.
thanks.
if only i was talented.
you have a talent. you just don't know what it is yet.
when i have time, i sometimes draw and paint.
oh, you actually do that?
every so often, i do.
did you always know how to draw and paint?
i was taught in high school how to draw and paint.
you had an art class?
exactly, it was my favorite class.
well, it's good that you're so talented.
i appreciate that.
talent is a great thing, i wish i had one.
my favorite movie is superbad.
oh, why is that?
it's the funniest movie that i've ever seen.
that's true. it is a very funny movie.
you've seen it before?
yes, i saw that movie the first day it came out in theaters.
didn't you laugh through the whole movie? i did.
me too. that movie brought tears to my eyes.
mine too.
i have it on dvd at my house if you want to come over and watch it.
sure, let's go.
i have to say, my favorite movie is superbad.
is that right? why?
honestly, it is one of the funniest movies i've seen in a long time.
you're right. that movie is hilarious.
i didn't think you saw that movie.
i went to see it the day it came out.
i was laughing through the whole movie.
i couldn't help laughing, either.
same here.
i bought the movie. would you like to come to my house and watch it?
of course.
i'm going to have to say that superbad is the best movie ever.
you think so, how come?
well, superbad is super funny.
you're not lying, i found that movie absolutely hilarious.
i didn't know that you saw superbad before.
i made sure to be in line to see it the first day it came out.
i couldn't keep from laughing throughout the whole movie.
i was laughing hysterically the whole time; my stomach muscles hurt afterwards.
that's exactly how i felt.
i got the movie when it came out on dvd, do you want to come over?
i like listening to different kinds of music.
like what, for instance?
i enjoy rock and r&b.
why is that?
i like the different instruments that they use.
that's a good reason to like something.
yeah, i think so too.
i enjoy listening to all kinds of music.
what kind?
i like to listen to rock and r&b.
why do you like that type of music?
i like the kinds of instruments that they use.
i think that's an excellent reason to like something.
thanks, i feel the same way.
i listen to various types of music.
what genres?
i enjoy listening to both rock and r&b.
what interests you in that type of music?
i enjoy the different types of instruments that they use.
that is a perfect reason to like a certain kind of music.
no, i couldn't make it.
you missed a really good game.
oh, really? who won?
our school did. they played really well.
too bad i was busy. i really wanted to go.
yeah, you should have. it was really exciting.
so what was the score?
the score was 101-98.
man, that was a really close game.
that's what made it so great.
i'll make sure and make it to the next one.
i was unable to make it.
you should have been there. it was intense.
is that right. who ended up winning?
our team was victorious.
i wish i was free that night. i'm kind of mad that i didn't go.
it was a great game.
what was the score at the end of the game?
our team won 101-98.
sounds like it was a close game.
that's the reason it was such a great game.
the next game, i will definitely be there.
i wanted to go, but i couldn't.
it was a great game.
it's too bad that i couldn't make it. who won?
our team played hard and won.
i really wish i went to the game.
it was the best game ever.
so tell me the final score.
the other team lost by three points, 101-98.
it must've been a close game.
it really was. you should've gone.
i'm going to the movies with a friend. how about you?
i'm not sure yet.
well, did you want to go see a movie with me?
what movie are you going to see?
i'm not sure yet. is there something you want to see?
there's nothing i can think of.
so, did you want to go?
no, thanks, maybe another time.
okay, sounds good.
i am going to see a movie with a friend of mine. what about you?
i don't know.
would you like to see a movie with me and my friend?
do you know what movie you're going to watch?
i don't know, but was there a certain movie you wanted to see?
none that i can think of.
well, would you like to go?
thank you for inviting me, but i think i'll pass.
all right. another time then.
i'm going to the movie theater with my friend. what are you going to do?
i'm not quite sure yet.
how about you see a movie with me and my friend?
what movie are you and your friend planning on watching?
not sure. is there a movie out that catches your eye?
no good movies come to mind.
have you decided whether or not you would like to go?
no, thanks. maybe another time.
yeah, i went to school today. were you there?
no, i didn't go, i've been sick.
that sucks. did you want the assignments from english class?
that would be nice, thank you.
no problem, you're welcome.
i will be glad to do the same for you when you're sick.
well, thank you. i hope to see you at school tomorrow.
i attended school today. did you?
i wasn't able to attend school because i was feeling ill.
i'm sorry to hear that. would you like the assignments from english class?
i would really appreciate that, thanks.
it's no trouble at all.
if you get sick, i'll return the favor.
thanks. see you at school tomorrow if you feel better.
i went to school today. did you go to school?
i couldn't go to school today, i was sick.
that's horrible. i'd be happy to give you the assignments from english class.
thank you very much, that's kind of you.
don't mention it.
when you miss a day of school, i'll be happy to give you the english assignments.
what happened?
our cousin went into labor and had her baby last week.
she did? why didn't anyone tell me?
i would've thought that somebody would have told you.
no, i had no idea.
well, she did, her baby was 8 pounds 6 ounces.
oh my god, that's great!
are you going to go and visit her and the baby?
i think that i might.
good! i just thought i'd let you know.
thanks for telling me.
heard what?
debrah already had her baby.
i didn't know that.
i thought you knew.
i honestly didn't know.
the baby was 8 pounds 6 ounces.
that's good to hear.
will you go and visit them?
of course i will.
i just wanted to give you the good news.
thanks for letting me know.
i haven't heard anything.
debrah had her baby last week.
nobody told me.
i thought you heard.
i really wasn't told anything.
she was a cute 8 pounds 6 ounces.
wow, how exciting.
i know, you should really go and see her and the baby.
of course i will.
i just wanted to let you know what happened.
of course. did you?
i didn't want to, so i didn't.
that's sad, but have you gone to the movies recently?
that's a switch.
i'm serious, have you?
no, i haven't. why?
i really want to go to the movies this weekend.
so go then.
i really don't want to go by myself.
well anyway, do you plan on going to school tomorrow?
no, i think i'm going to go to the movies.
i always do. did you go to school today?
no, i didn't.
you should have, but have you seen any movies lately?
that was an odd change of subject.
maybe it was, but answer the question.
no, not recently.
i want to go to see a movie this weekend.
what's stopping you then?
i don't want to go alone.
so, will you be at school tomorrow?
no, i want to go to the movies instead.
yeah, i went. did you go?
no, i didn't feel like it.
that's nice, have you been to the movies lately?
no, but that was a random change of subject.
it may have been random, but have you?
i haven't lately.
i would love to catch a movie this weekend.
so then, why don't you just go?
i don't want to see a movie by myself.
okay, so are you going to school tomorrow?
it's no problem. i was really missing you anyway.
i missed you too.
why haven't you tried to come see me then?
i've been really busy.
doing what?
working.
i would've come to see you sooner, but i've been busy too.
what have you been doing?
i've been working too.
well regardless, i'm very happy that you came to see me.
i am too.
i had to. i was missing you a lot.
i was missing you too.
so, why haven't you visited me?
i've actually been busy lately.
what have you been doing?
i've just been working really hard.
i've also been busy.
tell me what you've been doing.
basically, i've been working too.
well whatever, i'm glad you came.
so am i.
i really missed you a lot.
i've been missing you like crazy.
i don't understand why you haven't come to visit me.
lately, i've been quite busy.
tell me what you've been up to.
i've really been working a lot lately.
i've been pretty busy myself.
so what have you been up to?
i've just been working a lot.
whatever the reason may be, i'm glad you visited me.
yeah, but i'm still waiting for my invitation.
oh really? she gave me mine earlier today.
well, she'll probably just give me my invitation later on today.
yeah, so are you planning on going?
i think so. it sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.
it really does, i can't wait.
what time does the party start?
it starts at 8 o'clock.
oh, well, how many people has she given invites to so far?
i'm not sure, but i don't think she's given out that many.
well, hopefully she'll give me my invite later on today.
i've heard about it, but i'm still waiting for my invitation.
really? i got mine from her this morning.
i'm guessing that she's going to give me my invite today or tomorrow.
you're probably right, do you intend on going to the party?
i want to. i heard it's going to be really fun.
i know, it does sound pretty awesome.
well, when does the party start?
it's supposed to start at about eight.
how many invitations has she given out?
i really don't know, but i don't think she gave out that many yet.
i really want to go, so i hope that she gives me my invite soon.
i was told about it already. i'm just waiting for my invitation.
is that right? i already got my invitation from her earlier.
i believe that she will give me the invitation today.
are you even going to go?
yeah, it sounds like it's going to be the best party of the year.
exactly, it seems like it's going to be loads of fun.
when exactly does the party start?
the invitation says it starts at 8:00 p.m.
has she given out a lot of invitations yet?
i have no idea, she hasn't given out many though.
nothing really.
i'm throwing a party on friday.
i didn't realize that.
you didn't?
nobody has told me anything about your party.
did you want to go?
when does it start?
at 8:00 p.m.
i'll be there.
i'd better see you there.
of course.
fine. what's going on with you?
i'm having a party this friday.
i had no idea.
is that right?
i didn't hear anything about it.
can you go?
what time?
it starts at 8 o'clock.
i'll go.
i hope that i'll see you there.
no doubt.
not much.
this friday, i'm throwing a party.
oh really? i didn't know that.
are you serious?
i haven't heard anything about it.
can you make it?
what time does it start?
the party starts at 8.
yeah, i think i'll go.
am i going to see you there?
nothing really, you?
i'm throwing a party next saturday.
is that right?
yeah, are you going to come?
i'm sorry, i can't.
why not?
i don't really want to.
well, why don't you?
i hate going to parties.
well, that's okay.
yeah, sorry.
nothing, how about you?
next saturday, i'm going to have a party.
oh, really?
you are coming?
probably not.
why is that?
i don't feel like going.
why not?
i really can't stand going to parties.
i understand, i guess.
sorry about that.
not a lot, what about you?
i'm having a party next saturday.
that's nice.
are you going to be there?
i don't think so.
is there a reason why?
i just really don't want to go.
how come?
i don't really like parties.
i wish you would go, but that's okay.
nothing much, what's going on?
i'm having a party this friday.
oh, really? that's nice.
i wanted to see if you wanted to come.
this friday? sorry, i already have plans.
doing what?
i'm going to dinner with my family.
i really wanted you to come, but i understand.
yeah, maybe next time.
i'll hold you to that.
sounds like a plan.
not a lot. what about you?
i'm throwing a party on friday.
that sounds like fun.
do you think you can come?
i'm sorry. i'm already doing something this friday.
what are you going to be doing?
my family and i are going to dinner.
i was hoping you would come.
i'll definitely try to make it the next time.
i'd better see you there.
all right. i'll see you next time.
nothing really. how about you?
a lot, like the party i'm having on friday.
well, that's cool.
will you be able to make it?
i'm busy this friday. i'm sorry.
what do you have to do?
i'm having dinner with my family
maybe you can come next time.
i'll make sure and come to your next party.
i'll look for you at my next party.
why are you trying to rush me off the phone?
i really have to go.
why? i still wanted to talk to you.
i have things to do.
like what?
don't be nosey.
i'm not. i just want to know.
well, it's really none of your business.
that's harsh.
i'm sorry, but i have to go.
fine.
is there a reason why you're trying to get off the phone so fast?
i've got to go.
i wasn't done talking to you.
i have to do some things, and besides, it's not polite to be nosey.
i'm not being nosey. i'm just asking.
i really don't think it's any of your business.
that's not nice.
i apologize, but i'm getting off the phone now.
okay.
what's the rush?
i have to get off the phone now.
i'm not ready to get off the phone with you.
there are other things i need to take care of.
what is it that you need to do?
please don't be nosey.
i'm not being nosey, it's just a question.
you don't need to worry about that.
that was mean to say.
i am very sorry, but i must go.
it was nice talking to you too.
we should really hang out again.
that would be fun.
where do you want to go?
i think we should go out to eat.
that sounds good.
all right, so i'll see you then.
i'll call you later.
okay, i'll talk to you later then.
see you later.
bye.
i enjoyed talking to you too.
we should hang out some time.
i think that would be nice.
is there anything you would like to do next time?
do you want to go out to eat?
i'd like that.
so i'll see you next time.
i'm going to call you soon.
i'll talk to you later.
see you soon.
goodbye.
it was really nice talking to you also.
i think we should really do something sometime.
that should be loads of fun.
what do you want to do next time?
would you like to go to dinner or something?
yeah, let's do that.
okay, until next time then.
i'll call you so we can set that up.
talk to you then.
all right, see you.
i live in pasadena.
where is pasadena?
it's in california.
is it in northern california?
no. it's in southern california.
is pasadena a big city?
it's pretty big.
how big is "pretty big"?
it has about 140,000 people.
how big is los angeles?
it has about 3 million people.
yes, i do.
what kind of car do you have?
i have a honda.
is it new?
it was new in 2003.
so, it's pretty old now.
yes, it is. but it still looks good.
do you take good care of it?
oh, yes. i wash it once a week.
do you change the oil?
my mechanic changes the oil twice a year.
no, i don't. do you?
i don't have a girlfriend, either.
why not?
i don't know. maybe i'm not rich enough.
girls like guys with money.
they sure do.
they like guys with new cars.
i don't have money or a new car.
me, neither.
but girls like guys who are funny.
maybe we should learn some good jokes.
i have to walk the dog.
what kind of dog do you have?
i have a little poodle.
poodles bark a lot.
they sure do.
they bark at everything.
they never shut up.
why did you get a poodle?
it's my mom's dog.
so she likes poodles.
she says they're good watchdogs.
sure. why do you need it?
i want to buy lunch.
where's your money?
it's not in my wallet.
your wallet is empty?
i don't have even one dollar in it.
being broke is no fun.
even if it's only for a short while.
it's always good to have friends.
friends will lend you money when you're broke.
as long as you pay them back.
that's a great idea.
we haven't been in a while.
we haven't been in a month.
the last time we went, you almost drowned.
no, i didn't.
then why did the lifeguard dive into the water?
i think he wanted to cool off.
he swam right up to you.
and then he turned right around.
maybe you're right.
maybe we should get going.
no. i'm divorced.
when did you get divorced?
i got divorced two years ago.
why did you get divorced?
my wife left me.
why did she leave you?
she said she didn't love me anymore.
wow! that's terrible.
yes, it was.
why didn't she love you anymore?
she fell in love with my best friend.
what's on tv?
nothing.
there must be something on tv!
nothing that's interesting.
what about that new game show?
which one?
"deal or no deal"
tell me you're joking.
i love that show.
i watched it once. that was enough.
it's on right now. let's watch it together.
i agree. pasadena is a nice city.
it's not too big.
and it's not too small.
it has great weather all year long.
it has the rose parade.
it has beautiful houses.
it has wonderful restaurants.
it has great schools.
it's close to the mountains.
the people are friendly.
i'm not ever going to leave.
what's the matter with this one?
it's not comfortable.
it seems fine to me.
i toss and turn all night.
you should stop drinking coffee.
look at these marks on my arms.
what are they?
they are bites.
did the cat bite you?
no. the bedbugs in that mattress bit me.
okay. let's get a new mattress.
buy a new one.
i would if i had the money.
why is it so slow?
that's a good question.
did you take it to a computer shop?
i would if i had the money.
well, i guess you have to live with it.
sometimes i want to throw it out the window.
you don't want to do that.
why not?
you might hit someone in the head.
i'm not sure.
how about a pizza?
you had pizza for lunch.
but i love pizza.
everybody loves pizza.
so why can't i have pizza for dinner?
because you need variety.
what's "variety?
different things—not the same thing all the time.
you mean, like a pepperoni pizza instead of a cheese pizza?
no, i mean a salad instead of a pizza.
why do we need to save money?
because we need to buy a house.
but a house is so expensive.
that's why we need to save money.
how much do we need to save?
we need to save enough for a down payment.
how much is that?
that's about $30,000.
thirty thousand dollars! that will take forever.
not if we save every penny.
okay. here's seven pennies.
you can't see the end of it.
it goes on and on forever.
and it's deep, too.
i think it's five miles deep.
are there fish at the bottom?
there are fish at the top and the bottom.
are there more fish or more people?
i think there are more fish.
i hope so. i love to eat fish.
why is that?
i warned her about her new boyfriend. she didn't listen to me.
what happened?
i gave her $1,000 for her birthday. i told her to spend it on herself.
that was very nice of you.
i found out that she gave it to her new boyfriend.
why did she do that?
he said he would buy her a nice ring.
what's wrong with that?
he went to las vegas. he lost it all gambling.
i hope your mom broke up with him.
of course they talk to each other.
what do they talk about?
they talk about other animals.
what else do they talk about?
they talk about food and the weather.
do they talk about us?
of course they talk about us.
what do they say about us?
they say that we are funny-looking.
ha! we're not funny-looking; animals are funny-looking.
we're funny-looking because we wear clothes.
yes, it's very dirty.
you can help me.
why me?
because you helped make it dirty.
what do you want me to do?
i want you to clean the bathroom.
oh, that's easy.
clean the sink, the tub, the counter, and the toilet.
that's a lot of work.
tell me when you finish.
i don't think so. you'll just give me more work.
what do you mean?
i mean you're wasting your life.
i'm having fun.
you're sitting there with your mouth open.
who cares?
i care. do something.
okay. i did something.
what did you do?
i turned up the volume.
that's not what i meant by "do something."
will you do something? leave me alone.
yes, i did.
did you tell her about school?
i told her that school is fun.
did you put the letter in an envelope?
yes, and i sealed the envelope.
did you put a stamp on the envelope?
i couldn't find any stamps.
they're in the kitchen drawer.
okay. i just put a stamp on the envelope.
give me the envelope, and i'll mail it for you.
when is grandma going to learn about e-mail?
i'm sleepy.
why don't you go to bed?
i want to watch this tv show.
maybe you should record it.
the tape recorder is broken.
then you should watch the rerun.
why? i'm watching the original.
but you'll be asleep in about one minute.
i'm just yawning because the commercials are on.
okay. i'll tell you how the show ends.
zzz.
so?
you know what that means.
i forgot.
sunday means we go to church.
oh, yeah.
put on a coat and tie.
why?
to show respect to god and others.
i'm glad sunday is only once a week.
i hope god didn't hear that.
he'll forgive me.
i'll do that in a minute.
the cat is meowing. he's hungry.
okay. i'll feed him right now.
you shouldn't make him wait.
i was doing my homework.
the cat doesn't care about your homework.
the cat doesn't care about anything.
that's the way cats are.
all they think about is themselves.
maybe we should get rid of him.
of course not! he's family.
me too.
i just cut myself again.
did you use a new blade?
it doesn't matter. old blades cut, new blades cut.
maybe you should use an electric shaver.
they make a lot of noise, but they don't give a close shave.
maybe you should stop shaving.
and grow a beard?
sure. why not?
because food and other stuff sticks in my beard.
hmm. here's an idea. put cream on your face and have the cat lick it off.
yes?
are you reading this paper?
oh, no. help yourself.
i asked because the paper is sitting next to you.
thank you. that's polite of you to ask.
some people would just pick it up.
yes, i know. some people are rude.
i always try to be polite.
so do i.
the world needs more polite people like us.
i agree 100 percent.
let me think about it.
why do you have to think about it?
because a puppy costs money.
no, it doesn't. puppies are free.
yes, but a puppy needs shots.
shots for what?
so it won't get sick. just like you get shots.
i hate shots.
and a puppy eats food. food costs money.
no problem. i'll give him food off my plate.
oh, no you don't. puppies don't eat vegetables.
how many are there?
eight.
they're all so cute.
yes, but i can't keep them.
what are you going to do with them?
i'm going to give them away. do you want one?
yes, i would love one.
which one do you want?
that one. the one that's all black.
yes, i like that one, too.
i'll call him blacky.
they trust in god.
they hope they will go to heaven.
they probably will.
but no one knows for sure.
that's for sure.
no one knows what happens after we die.
if we are good, we will be happy in heaven with god.
that's what many people believe.
if we are bad, we will be unhappy forever in hell.
i don't want to go to hell.
let's go to church with your parents on sunday.
i'm sorry for you.
thank you.
when did he die?
a couple of months ago.
you still miss him.
yes, but i talk to him almost every day.
when you go to church?
no, when i call him on his cell phone.
what do you mean?
i buried him with his cell phone.
what will you do when the battery dies?
that's a bad day.
it's supposed to be unlucky.
you're supposed to stay home all day.
that's what i do.
my friend stayed in a hotel on friday the thirteenth.
that was a mistake.
he stayed on the thirteenth floor.
what happened?
someone stole his laptop.
he was asking for it.
he learned his lesson. he's home today.
of course.
prove it.
how can i prove it?
take me to dinner.
that's it? that's all i have to do?
take me to a nice restaurant, not to mcdonald's.
but a nice restaurant costs money.
yes, and you have to make a reservation.
that's such a hassle.
i knew you didn't love me.
okay, okay! i'll make a reservation right now.
so are mine.
why did your parents get divorced?
my father found a new girlfriend.
that's too bad.
my mother was hurt and angry.
she had good reason. what did she do?
she told him to drop his girlfriend.
what did your father do?
he moved out of our house.
i guess he really liked his new girlfriend.
yes, but she left him a year later.
so does mine.
i think it's an old people's smell.
really?
yes. i think when you get old, you begin to smell.
like fruit that is too ripe?
yes, just like fruit that is too ripe.
but the smell is different.
yes, old people don't smell like fruit.
no, they smell like a thrift shop.
yes, a thrift shop has that same smell.
yes, an old smell.
i think stamps used to cost a penny.
that was a long time ago.
it was before i was born.
now a stamp is 42 cents.
but in may it will be 44 cents.
have you ever lost a letter in the mail?
no, i haven't.
neither have i.
so, they do a good job for the money.
yes, they do.
maybe we shouldn't complain.
what are you going to do?
first, i have to find the button.
where did you lose it?
i have no idea.
a button is hard to find. did you look in your pant cuffs?
that's a good idea.
i found a button in my pant cuffs one time.
let me look. no, it's not there.
many shirts come with an extra button.
you're right. this one does have an extra button.
now all you have to do is sew it on.
you drink too much coffee.
but i love coffee.
well, it's your life.
you eat too much chocolate.
i don't think so.
have you looked in the mirror?
do you think i'm getting fat?
i didn't say that.
what did you say?
i said i have to go to the bathroom.
that's what i thought you said.
yes, i did.
what did you wash?
i washed the sheets and towels.
what about the pillowcases?
yes, i took them off the pillows and washed them.
did you dry everything in the dryer?
yes, i dried everything in the dryer.
then what did you do?
i folded all the towels.
did you put the sheets on the beds?
yes, and i put the pillowcases on the pillows.
i listen day and night.
what do you listen to?
mostly talk radio.
what's that?
people talk about current events.
what do they say?
they say they want change.
what kind of change?
they want tax cuts.
why do they want tax cuts?
because tax cuts will save them money.
look in the fridge.
i'm looking. there's nothing to eat.
are you sure?
it's almost empty.
i went to the market yesterday.
i don't see anything.
i bought lots of oranges and apples.
i don't want fruit. i want something tasty.
eat the fruit. it's good for you.
next time you go to the market, let me go with you.
no, thank you. all you want to eat are hot dogs and candy bars.
i don't know. look in the fridge.
i think i'll make a sandwich.
what kind?
a ham sandwich.
the bread is in the cabinet.
where's the mustard?
it's in the fridge, i think.
oh, yes, here it is. do you want a sandwich?
yes, that sounds nice.
how about some potato chips?
yes. and a pickle, if we have any.
but, mom, i'm not dirty.
you need a bath every day.
why?
because you don't want to smell bad.
i don't smell bad.
that's what you think.
if i smelled bad, i could smell me.
i can smell you.
i can smell you, too.
that's my perfume.
when can i wear perfume?
exactly what?
all i get is a black screen.
what's the matter?
i think i know, because this happened before.
what happened before?
my hard drive crashed.
oh, no. that's bad news.
it sure is, but i'm going to call hp first, just to make sure.
will you lose all your files?
no, i always back up my files.
you're smart.
what did they say?
they said i need a new hard drive.
that's too bad. how much is a new one?
it's not too much, only about $85.
plus installation?
no, my hard drive is easy to remove and replace.
really?
yes, it's just a couple of screws.
that's nice.
it's a lot better than paying someone $60.
if my hard drive crashes, i'll just call you.
it's bluedog123.
bluedog123. are you sure that's all?
yes.
no. that's incomplete.
what do you mean?
what's your mailing address?
456 cherry drive, pasadena, ca 91170.
that's correct.
so what's the problem?
bluedog123 is just the street. you have to give me the city, state, and zip code.
oh, i get it. my email address is bluedog123@[Link].
you should unplug the phone.
that's a good idea.
do you want me to wake you in an hour?
no, thanks. just let me sleep until i wake up.
i'll start dinner at 6:00.
okay. i think i'll be awake by then.
if not, your nose will wake you up.
you mean i will smell the food cooking?
you might even dream about dinner.
i don't think i'm going to dream about anything. i'm really tired.
have a nice nap.
yes, dad, it was.
the son gave a nice speech about his father.
it was long, too.
i think it was about 45 minutes long.
but it went by fast. it was interesting.
i liked it.
i'll give you a speech like that, too.
do you think anyone will come to my funeral?
of course.
i think only the family will be there.
you have lots of friends. they will be there, too!
i had to blow my nose.
did you have to blow right next to the phone?
did you hear that?
of course i heard that. i thought a plane had crashed into your house.
it wasn't that loud.
i will blow my nose sometime for you, and you'll see.
okay. i'll take your word for it.
i thought you had an elephant in your house.
you're funny.
what did you say? i think i've gone deaf.
i'm going into the bathroom to blow my nose. i'll be right back.
really? how many do you have?
i don't know, maybe one hundred.
that is a lot of friends. do you have a best friend?
of course. i have lots of best friends.
how many best friends do you have?
i think about twenty-five.
hmm. i have only one best friend.
i feel sorry for you.
i have only a few friends.
you must be lonely. i will share my friends with you.
that's very nice of you.
why would i do that?
because men like to cheat.
some men do, but not me.
i'm watching you.
i'm an open book. watch me all you want.
if i catch you, you'll be sorry.
you won't catch me, because i love you. i'm not a cheater.
i will poke your eyes out.
i don't want any other woman.
i will chop your toes off, one by one.
honey, please. you're the only woman for me, forever. i swear it.
me too.
why do you hate to go outside?
i meet too many jerks.
i agree.
this city is full of jerks.
rude people are everywhere.
but what can you do?
you can yell at them.
and they will yell back at you.
yelling doesn't do any good.
no. the best thing to do is just stay home.
are you having problems with it?
i don't understand some things.
let me help you.
what does "mi" mean?
"mi" stands for middle initial.
what does "mm/dd/yy" mean?
that means month/day/year. use numbers.
i don't understand.
for example, if your birth date is january 12, 1987, write 01/12/87.
oh. that's simple enough.
always print clearly, and fill in the bubbles completely.
what do you want to do?
i want to get a puppy for my son.
that will make him so happy.
i'll get him one of those little dogs.
one that won't grow up too big.
and eat too much.
do you know which one he would like?
oh, yes, i took him there yesterday. he showed me one that he really liked.
i bet you had to drag him away.
he wanted to take it home yesterday.
i wonder what he'll name it.
i don't know. i just woke up.
why don't you look outside?
okay. it looks like rain.
why do you say that?
the sky is gray.
is it raining right now?
no.
how do you know?
the street isn't wet.
i have to go shopping today.
you'd better take an umbrella.
it's not even noon yet.
that means it will get hotter.
i am dying from the heat.
turn on the air conditioner.
it doesn't work.
what happened?
i don't know.
did you call the repairman?
of course.
when is he coming?
he's busy. he said next week.
why is that?
because i love the snow.
yes, the snow is fun.
last year we made a big snowman.
how big was it?
it was seven feet tall.
how long did it take?
it took us all day.
did you give him a nose?
of course. we gave him a big carrot for a nose.
let me help you make one this year.
what do you need to do?
i need to withdraw some money.
how are you going to do that?
i'll just use the atm.
what's that?
it's the automatic teller machine.
it gives you money?
i just insert my debit card into the machine.
and it gives you money?
well, it gives me money, but it's my own money.
oh. what good is that? i thought it gave you free money.
oh, no. i forgot.
well, you'd better take it out front.
what time does the recycle truck come by?
it usually gets here at noon on tuesday, which is tomorrow.
i'll just take it out to the street tomorrow morning.
oh, no, you don't.
what do you mean?
every morning you get up late and rush off to work late.
do you think i'll forget to do it?
you'll remember to do it, but you won't have time to do it.
okay, i'll take it out front right now.
ready for what?
ready for the big switch.
what are you talking about?
the nation is switching to digital tv.
oh. of course i'm ready.
did you buy the converter?
no, i don't need a converter because i bought a digital tv.
how much was that?
it was only about $120 for a 13-inch screen.
does it pick up any digital channels?
oh, yes. i get six korean channels but nothing in english!
they sure are.
did you hear about the pilot?
the one that stole a small plane?
yes, he stole a plane in canada and flew into the u.s.
did they catch him?
yes. after two u.s. fighter jets followed him for an hour, he landed on a highway.
did he crash?
no, he just landed the plane and walked to a restaurant.
did the cops find out why he flew into the u.s.?
his life sucked. he was hoping a fighter jet would shoot him down.
poor guy.
how do you know?
the tv news is reporting a bank robbery.
do they know what the robber looks like?
yes, he's 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, black hair, and about 30 years old.
what race is he?
they didn't say.
the tv news doesn't tell us the race anymore.
of course not. that would be racist.
but how can we identify someone if we don't know their race?
don't ask me.
then they also shouldn't tell us if the robber is male or female, because that is
sexist.
but i don't have a tissue.
then go find a tissue in the bathroom.
i didn't have time to get one from there.
your sleeves are not tissues.
but mom, all my friends use their sleeves.
that doesn't make it right.
i saw dad wipe his nose on his sleeve yesterday.
i will talk to your father about that.
i bet dad did it all the time when he was my age.
your daddy was a good little boy.
how do you know? were you his mommy, too?
worried about what?
i'm getting married.
you should be happy, not worried.
i am happy, but marriage is a lot of responsibility.
yes, you have to take care of your wife.
and i have to take care of our children.
are you going to start a family?
yes. we want to have a little boy and a little girl.
that sounds wonderful.
except we can't afford it!
no wonder you're worried.
or artists.
they're in a different world.
i saw a painting of a jar that was full of pencils.
the artist said the jar was both full and empty.
but it was full of pencils! how could he say it was empty?
artists see things differently.
did you ever see anything that picasso painted?
of course! he's world famous.
did he ever take art lessons?
i can't believe it. i drew paintings like that in third grade.
where are they? maybe they are worth millions.
the point of what?
of living.
who knows? you live, and then you die.
we must be here for some reason.
maybe we're here to have fun.
then why aren't i having fun?
because you're thinking too much.
so i should stop thinking?
stop thinking about what the point is.
okay. i'll start thinking about having some fun.
just be patient. fun doesn't come along every five minutes.
so are cigarettes.
which would you prefer?
what do you mean?
when you die and go to heaven, they will offer you beer or cigarettes.
i could pick only one or the other?
yes. nothing's perfect, not even in heaven.
boy, that's a tough one.
what's so tough about it? of course, i would pick cigarettes.
but cigarettes taste much better when you have a cold beer.
well, you can't have everything.
i don't think i want to go to your heaven.
you shouldn't carry pens in your pocket.
yesterday a pen fell through my pants onto my shoe.
lucky for you it wasn't a sharp knife.
who carries a sharp knife in their pocket?
criminals, of course.
anyway, i have to fix the hole.
you can sew it up or use an iron-on patch.
tell me about this patch.
the patch has glue. the hot iron melts the glue so the patch sticks on.
that sounds a lot easier than sewing.
it is. but after about ten washings, the glue washes off.
i can't remember jokes.
neither can i.
they go in one ear and out the other.
who makes up all these jokes?
who knows? but there must be a hundred new ones every day.
yes, just in english alone.
i wonder if every language has jokes.
of course! people everywhere like good jokes.
what do you think people joke about the most?
i think most jokes are about women.
oh, really? i think most jokes are about men!
why do you say that?
you speak two languages.
well, my english isn't perfect.
no one speaks perfect english.
maybe i will be the first!
i've been thinking about learning spanish.
spanish is easy. i'll be happy to teach you.
how long will it take me to learn?
i think it will only take you a year or two.
how soon can we begin?
ahora! that means right now.
yes, it's april 22.
it's more than just a date.
is it your birthday or anniversary?
no, it's earth day.
what's that?
it's a yearly reminder to take care of our planet.
oh, you mean like reuse things and recycle stuff?
yes. we need to think green, save water, and stop using plastic bags.
how about if i take shorter showers?
that's a good idea, because showers waste a lot of water.
from now on i'll spend only 20 minutes in the shower.
i don't know anyone who likes it.
some of it is okay, i guess.
yes, the poems that rhyme and are easy to remember.
like "one, two, buckle my shoe."
but people still write poems.
no one makes any money at it.
shakespeare was a poet.
did he get rich from his poetry?
probably not.
poems are a little bit like songs.
yes, but songs have music. without music, songs would suck, too.
i don't know. i think i'm average.
did you ever take an iq test?
no, i never did. all i know is that i got a's and b's in school.
i wish i was really smart.
don't be ridiculous.
what do you mean?
if you're going to make a wish, wish that you were really rich or famous.
don't you ever wonder what it's like to be super-smart?
it must be very lonely.
why's that?
because if you're super-smart, no one understands what you're saying.
nothing that would pass as news.
what's the weather going to be like this weekend?
i don't know. whenever the weather comes on, i switch channels.
what was the lead story on the news?
some actress was in court for driving without a license.
what was the second story?
some actor married a woman young enough to be his daughter.
what was the third story?
a bull chased a man in a supermarket.
wasn't there anything about octo-mom?
of course. she's going to hire a nanny for her eight infants.
well, mostly i'll try to avoid it.
i mean, are you going to get buried or cremated?
my wife and i will be cremated.
are you going to be buried next to each other?
oh, no. our ashes will be shaken into the ocean.
you're not going to be buried?
a coffin costs too much and takes up too much space.
yes, but it will be in a cemetery where your children can visit you.
children seldom visit their parents in a cemetery.
that's true. a cemetery is for dead people, not living people.
we figure our kids can visit us whenever they go to the beach.
yes, of course i wiped my feet.
then why is there mud on the carpet?
i don't know. it's not my mud.
well, someone brought it into the house.
look at the bottom of my shoes—they're clean.
of course they're clean. you left all the mud on the carpet.
okay, i'll get the vacuum cleaner.
don't vacuum it now.
don't you want me to clean up the mud?
wait till it dries. it will be easier to vacuum.
next time i will be more careful.
what are you talking about?
sunday is mother's day.
this sunday?
of course. it's all over the news.
i thought it was next sunday.
well, you'd better get her something.
i'll get her a nice card.
is that it?
yes. that's all i ever give her.
she raised you, and all you ever give her is a card?
it's okay. she knows that i love her.
what's the matter with it?
it's too much like other flags.
yes, a lot of flags have stripes.
a flag should be pretty.
what should our flag look like?
it should have a pretty woman on it.
that's ridiculous!
you don't like pretty women?
of course i do. but not on our flag!
every nation should have a pretty woman on their flag.
you can't go to war carrying a flag with a woman on it!
what did you do?
i watered all the plants.
you have a lot of plants.
then i did my laundry.
that takes some time.
i took the dog for a walk.
i'll bet he enjoyed his walk.
i vacuumed the entire house.
that's a lot of work.
and then i made lunch.
i'll bet you were hungry!
so how do you make long distance calls?
i use a calling card.
where do you get that?
i buy it at the dollar store.
how much is it?
it's one dollar for 100 minutes.
that's only a penny a minute!
it's a great price. but you have to dial a lot of numbers.
how many?
first you dial seven numbers, then ten numbers, then ten more numbers.
yikes. i think i'll keep my long distance service.
yes, i do.
what college do you go to?
i go to pasadena city college.
do you like it?
oh, yes, i really like it.
why do you like it?
because it has great teachers.
what else?
i like all my classmates, too.
anything else?
yes. it's not expensive!
where did you lose it?
i don't know.
when did you lose it?
i think i lost it today. i used it yesterday.
did you check all your pockets?
i checked all my pockets.
did you look in your desk?
yes. it isn't there, either.
it's probably around somewhere.
oh, well, it only cost me a dollar.
only a dollar? don't even look for it.
what is gravity?
it's the force that pulls everything down.
i don't understand.
if you pour water into a glass, the water goes down into the glass.
of course it does.
without gravity, the water would go up.
you're joking.
without gravity, you would go up.
what do you mean?
you would float into the sky like a balloon.
that would be fun!
turn on the light.
the light is on.
open the book.
the book is open.
see an eye doctor.
that's what i need to do.
he'll give you a prescription for glasses.
i'll make an appointment tomorrow.
i'll get the yellow pages for an eye doctor.
read the phone number to me.
i'll read it very loud, in case your hearing is getting bad, too.
i need pencils.
anything else?
i need a notebook.
do you need a pen?
no. i already have a pen.
do you need a calculator?
no. the teacher doesn't permit calculators.
how about a dictionary?
no, we have a big dictionary in the classroom.
well, i guess that's it.
yes, that's all i need for now.
so do i.
i read it once, and i subscribed.
it gives you all the news.
all the news in only 50 pages.
i like the political cartoons.
i like the beautiful photos of the houses for sale.
i always read the film reviews.
i never miss the food and drink section.
i gave a subscription to my parents.
me too. they canceled their other news magazines.
so did mine!
shake it a couple of times.
i shook it. there is no more ink.
you can borrow mine.
thank you. i'll buy a new one tomorrow.
what were you doing?
i was writing a letter.
who were you writing to?
it's to my mom.
tell her i said hello.
okay. i'll return your pen when i'm done.
take your time.
not yet.
then why are you watching tv?
this is my favorite show.
go do your homework.
but, mom!
you can watch tv after you do your homework.
but the show will be over.
there will be another show next week.
please?
you know the rules.
i hate the rules! i can't wait till i grow up.
me too.
no more homework.
i hate homework.
are you going to college?
i can't afford it.
me neither.
so what are you going to do?
i'm joining the army.
you're kidding. you might get killed.
i don't think so. after i finish, i'll have enough money to go to college.
that's not a bad idea.
english.
what are you going to do with an english major?
i'm going to be a teacher.
high school or middle school?
high school.
i teach high school english.
i didn't know that.
i started teaching five years ago.
how do you like it?
do you see all this gray hair? it was totally black five years ago.
maybe i'll teach middle school.
i'll say.
i drove around for half an hour.
did you find a spot?
i found a spot, but someone cut in and took it from me.
did you yell at them?
yes, i did.
and?
and he yelled back at me.
how rude.
but i got lucky a few minutes later.
you have to be lucky to find a parking space.
yes, it has lots of rooms and lots of space.
and lots of books.
and lots of thieves.
what do you mean?
i mean, keep your belongings close to you.
the only thing in my backpack is used books.
but thieves don't know that.
they might think that i've got an ipod or laptop in there.
now you're thinking.
you'd think a library would be safe from thieves.
not even a church is safe from thieves.
i can add two and two.
so you're not very good at math?
i'm terrible at math.
well, i need some help.
with what?
i'm taking a math course in school.
well, you should ask your teacher or your classmates for help.
i can't do that.
why not?
they might think i'm stupid.
they're not going to think that! they'll be glad to help you.
of course.
do you pray to god?
occasionally.
when's that?
when i need something.
like what?
well, if i have a big test at school.
does god answer your prayers?
yes, i've passed all my tests.
do you ever pray for money?
not yet. i won't need to do that until i graduate from high school.
what husband?
the husband of the driver who ran over two college students at 3 a.m.
oh, yeah. the girl died instantly, and the boy is still in the hospital.
the husband said he tried to help the boy.
yes, he pushed him off the hood of the car.
no, he said he gently placed the boy on the street.
so what? they still drove off.
the husband said a fire department was nearby.
so what? did he dial 911?
he said he was thinking about it, but he didn't get around to it.
he didn't get around to turning himself in, either.
why not?
the seats and windows are dirty.
don't they clean the bus every night?
i think they do.
you should bring some wipes with you.
that's a good idea.
then you can wipe your seat and window.
people will think i'm strange.
who cares? everyone is strange.
that's for sure.
don't worry about what people think.
why not?
number one, it's too slow.
you're right. a car is faster.
number two, it's usually late.
you're right. the buses are never on time.
number three, it doesn't run 24 hours.
you're right. buses don't run late at night.
number four, it's too crowded.
you're right. you have to stand in the aisle.
number five, it's unsafe.
you're right. bad guys might rob you.
what was the problem?
someone cut the tires.
what tires?
the tires on the cars.
where were the cars?
they were in the student parking lot.
how many tires were cut?
one or two tires were cut on each car.
how many cars?
eleven cars.
that's terrible. i hope they catch the person.
it sure isn't.
i got a ticket yesterday.
what for?
i was crossing the street.
were you in a crosswalk?
yes, but the red hand was blinking.
so? that's a ticket?
yes, it's a $140 ticket.
that's not right!
when i started to cross the street, the white walk sign was blinking.
you need to walk faster.
why do you say that?
the speed limit is 65.
i know that.
but you're doing 75.
so is everyone else.
but a cop might stop you.
no, he won't. some cars are doing 85.
so the cop will stop those cars?
of course. he stops the fastest cars.
my friend got a ticket for doing 75.
your friend was unlucky.
how often do i have to do that?
once every two months.
that's a lot.
what do you mean?
that's six times a year!
yes, and it takes about five minutes each time.
i'll try.
check your tires or you'll get a flat.
oh. that's not good.
no, it isn't. a flat costs you time and money.
and i don't have either.
i'm in a hurry.
don't ever be in a hurry.
it's not my fault. you didn't wake me up.
that's not my fault. you didn't tell me to wake you up.
well, i meant to.
don't ever be in a hurry when you're driving.
why not?
because you'll have an accident. most accidents are because people are in a hurry.
how do you know that?
i read a lot.
i thought drunks caused most accidents.
where are we going?
into the mountains.
that sounds nice.
i want to show you my new car.
you bought a new car?
yes. i bought a cadillac.
a luxury car.
luxury plus speed.
what are we waiting for?
let me get the keys.
let me get my camera.
why didn't you go before we left?
i did, but i have to go again.
well, hold on a little longer.
i think i'm going to explode.
just hold on.
oh! don't hit any more bumps!
we'll be at mcdonald's in just a few minutes.
i hope they are fast minutes.
think about something else. think about a hamburger.
i'm thinking, but i still have to go.
it's the next exit. hold on!
what do you mean?
the car isn't here.
where did you park it?
i parked it right here.
are you sure?
yes. i remember this big tree.
maybe it's the wrong tree.
no, this is the tree.
did someone steal it?
i sure hope not.
maybe they towed it away.
i'd rather not.
it gets worse every year.
why are you complaining? we're going almost 20 miles an hour.
the speed limit is 65!
well, that's between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
where are all these people going?
they're all asking the same question.
when are they going to fix this problem?
they said they need more money.
they always need more money.
it'll get worse before it gets better.
yes, he went through the red light.
can we call the police?
no, the police don't care.
why not?
they have to see it happen.
they don't believe us?
no. they can only give a ticket if they see it happen.
so, what do we do?
we don't do anything.
maybe we should honk the horn next time.
the driver will just honk back at us.
why don't you wash it?
that's what i'm going to do.
are you going to wash it yourself?
of course. it's not a hard job.
i'll help you.
okay, i'll get a bucket.
i'll rinse the car first.
then we can scrub it with a wet sponge and soap.
after that, we can dry it with a towel.
then it will look like new
and you save $10.
paper is flying everywhere.
this wind is dangerous for drivers.
especially for drivers of big trucks.
the wind blows those trucks over.
it blows trees over, too.
a tree fell onto my dad's car.
was there much damage?
my dad had to buy a new car.
wow! that's terrible.
never park your car under a tree.
the wind will get you, or the birds will get you.
we'll stop at the next mcdonald's.
how far away is that?
i think we'll be there in half an hour.
i hope so. i have to go to the bathroom.
well, i can always pull over.
no, thank you, i'll just wait.
we can kill two birds with one stone.
what do you mean?
while you're using the bathroom, i'll order some food.
don't order for me. i'm not hungry.
i'm very hungry. i'll order for you, and then i'll eat yours.
look how many cars are waiting in line.
they need a left-turn arrow.
only two cars can make a left turn every three or four minutes.
we'll be here forever.
get out of this lane.
but we need to turn left.
forget it. go straight.
then what?
then we'll just make a u-turn.
and then we can turn right at the light.
good idea. it will be so much quicker.
how much money do you have?
$1,000.00
well, that should get you something.
but i need something that's reliable.
you need a car with low mileage.
a car that was owned by a little old lady.
where have you looked?
i haven't looked anywhere yet.
why not?
because i'll never find one for such a low price.
you're right about that. keep saving your money.
your driver's license and registration, please.
here you go.
do you know why i pulled you over?
i have no idea. all of a sudden i heard your siren.
you rolled through that stop sign back there.
but i stopped!
no, you didn't. you slowed down, but you didn't come to a full stop.
well, nobody else does, so why should i?
that's not the attitude of a good driver.
but i am a good driver. i've never had a ticket in my life.
well, you've got one now. here. have a nice day.
what are you talking about?
i got a ticket downtown for $140.
were you speeding?
no, i was crossing the street.
were you jaywalking?
no, i was in the crosswalk.
so why did you get a ticket?
the officer said the red hand was blinking.
was it blinking when you entered the crosswalk?
no, the white walk sign was blinking.
you should fight that ticket. i'll be your witness.
who?
two students from usc.
what happened?
a speeding car ran a red light, killing the girl.
what happened to the other student?
he landed on the hood of the car.
did he get off the hood?
no, the car stopped and the passenger pushed the injured student off the hood.
i'll bet the car continued on its way.
of course it did. why stop after you've run over two people?
i hope they find them and put them in jail for life.
i got a dent in the parking lot.
how did you get it?
i don't know. maybe it was from a shopping cart.
those shopping carts are dangerous.
especially the metal ones.
i don't park at a store that uses metal shopping carts.
that's a good idea, but there was a good sale at this store.
did you save any money on the sale?
yes, i did. i saved about $50.
that's great.
yes, except this dent will cost about $150.
yes. it is a great movie.
i saw it twelve times.
i saw it eight times.
i have the dvd.
so do i.
let's go to your home.
we can watch my dvd.
and then we can go to my home.
and watch your dvd.
i always cry at the end.
me too. it's so sad.
i don't know any card games.
i'll teach you one.
okay. what will you teach me?
it's called poker.
is it easy to learn?
yes, it will only take about 30 minutes.
okay. teach me how to play.
we each get five cards.
oh, look. i have four tens.
that's great, but you're not supposed to tell me.
oh. sorry. okay, i don't have four tens.
why is that?
because i watch the other players.
what do you mean?
people will tell you if they have a good hand.
how do they do that?
for example, a friend of mine licks his lips.
when he licks his lips, you know he has a good hand?
i know he has a good hand, so i don't bet.
he never wins your money?
nope, and it drives him crazy.
he knows you can't read his mind. maybe he thinks you're cheating.
but i'm listening to it.
well, listen to it more quietly.
i can't wait till i grow up.
what will you do?
i will play the radio as loud as i want.
that's okay with me.
i will have a radio in every room of my house.
remind me to never visit you.
all the radios will be on extra loud.
your neighbors will hate you.
if they don't like it, they can move.
your chances are very small.
but you can't win if you don't play.
ha! you can't win if you do play.
someone has to win.
that's what everyone says.
it might as well be me.
that's what everyone says.
you're trying to tell me something.
that didn't take long.
you think i should quit playing.
save your money for school.
nothing much.
what about the baseball game?
it got rained out.
rained out?
yes, rained out.
how could that be?
well, you can't play baseball in a rainstorm.
i thought they were playing under a dome.
the dome doesn't close.
why doesn't it close?
who knows? they said they'll fix it before next season.
sure. here you go.
hmm, that's not bad.
there's nothing in it.
what do you mean?
i mean, it's just coffee.
i figured that.
it's not too bitter for you?
it's a little bitter, but it's okay.
there's no sugar or cream in it.
no, it's a taste you have to get used to.
sort of like beer.
what's the weather like?
let me step outside and see.
it's a little chilly, right?
yes, it is.
i'll put on my cap.
wear a jacket, too.
i wonder if i should bring my gloves.
maybe you should, just in case it gets colder.
i'll put a glove in each pocket.
we'll get warmer as we walk.
yes, but it gets colder as the sun goes down.
that driver is crazy.
i can't believe he hasn't crashed.
how fast is he going?
they say he's going 80 miles per hour.
he's going to kill someone.
look! he just hit that car.
oh, my goodness. no one is safe on the streets.
now he's slowing down.
maybe he ran out of gas.
look! he just got out of the car and started running.
i hope the police catch him.
they shouldn't even call it news.
last night they told us about a cat in a sofa.
yesterday they told us about a dog in a pipe.
last week they told us about a bear in a back yard.
last month they told us about a mouse in a restaurant.
the weatherman tells us the temperature in every town.
the sports guy shows us players fighting.
they always tell us "what's next."
they always make "what's next" sound exciting, but it never is.
it's more like news for kids.
they should have kid reporters.
computers are so cool.
i love to go online.
the internet is amazing.
you can travel all over the world.
i know. i went to china yesterday.
what did you do?
i stood on the great wall and looked all around.
what was it like?
it was like the real thing.
it was like being there?
yes, i felt like i was actually there.
they are the best musical group ever.
i love all their songs.
i don't know which one i like the best.
i like the ones i can sing along with.
so do i, like "she loves you."
"she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!..."
"Â…and you know you should be glad!"
what a great song.
how about "let it be?"
oh, yes! "let it be, let it beÂ…"
"Â…there will be an answer, let it be!"
i'd rather not.
why not?
you know i don't like crowds.
let's go to an early movie.
okay, that won't be very crowded.
what would you like to see?
oh, i don't care. you're the one who wants to go out.
well, i want to see "the pursuit of happyness."
what have you heard about it?
it's based on a true story about a divorced man and his young son.
well, i hope it has a happy ending.
i like to watch people.
that's your favorite thing to do?
well, it's one of them.
where do you go to watch people?
my girlfriend and i sit outside starbucks.
that sounds like a good spot.
we watch people walk by with their dogs.
i guess you see lots of different dogs.
we don't even know what kind most of them are.
there are lots of different kinds, but they all have one thing in common.
yes, they love to sniff each other when they meet.
yes, he was on the tv news today.
every easter sunday he gives away money.
is it his money?
no. movie stars give him money to give to homeless people.
how much money does he give away?
this year he gave away $15,000.
that's a lot of money.
he gave $100 to people in wheelchairs.
what about the other homeless people?
they got $1 each.
people stood in line just to get one dollar?!
even though they're in black and white.
a good story is more important than color.
actors didn't curse back then.
and there was no violence.
people today don't like that.
no, today people like lots of action.
i like a good story.
i like to see actors who are like real people.
like real people with real problems.
they still make movies like that.
yes, but they never make much money.
yes, everybody gets the public broadcasting system.
it puts me to sleep.
tell me about it.
a gardening show follows a knitting show.
a cooking show follows a sewing show.
a travel show follows another travel show.
i'll say! i've gone around the world a dozen times already!
now they're adding old tv shows to the old movies.
i sure would like to see something interesting for a change.
if more people donate money, pbs could offer new shows.
who wants to donate? public tv should be free.
is that a tv show?
yes. it's on every afternoon.
what's so good about it?
they have interesting lawsuits.
such as?
yesterday, a woman complained about a cell phone she bought on ebay.
was something wrong with the phone?
it works only in canada.
did the seller know that?
yes, and he didn't tell the buyer.
i hope judge judy made the seller take the phone back.
yes, but she looks like a man.
what difference does it make?
female singers are supposed to be pretty.
singers are supposed to sound good.
they should look good, too.
there are lots of ugly men singers.
men singers don't have to look good.
then neither do women singers.
well, i would never buy her cd.
but you would buy her cd if she was pretty?
yes. i would buy all of her cds.
yes, that will occur next month.
most of them are already broadcasting in digital.
the digital signal is very clear.
oh, no, it isn't!
what do you mean?
i can't get a single channel.
do you have a digital tv?
of course. but i don't have cable.
you don't need to have cable, but you do need a good antenna.
but i have rabbit ears.
rabbit ears aren't strong enough. buy a digital antenna.
oh, really?
are you interested?
maybe. what is she like?
she's got a great personality.
uh-oh. that means that she's fat and ugly.
she's cute.
okay, so she's not ugly; she's just fat.
she weighs 98 pounds.
okay, she's not fat. so what's the problem with her?
who said there is a problem with her?
the problem is she has no problems—she's too good for me!
thank you.
would you have dinner with me?
i would like to.
can i pick you up friday night?
what time?
eight o'clock.
that sounds great.
we'll go to a french restaurant.
i've never been to a french restaurant.
i think you'll love the food.
i'm not going to eat any snails!
thank you. so do you.
i wish my eyes were blue.
what's the matter with green eyes?
nothing, except my favorite color is blue.
maybe in your next life you'll have blue eyes.
but what if i'm a fish in my next life?
i think some fish have blue eyes.
i hope i don't come back as a fish.
i hope i come back as a cat.
cats have beautiful eyes.
i would love to have blue cat-eyes.
i love you, too.
i loved you the first day i saw you.
it was love at first sight?
yes, it was love at first sight.
i didn't love you at first.
i know. i had to chase you for a while.
yes, you chased me and then you caught me.
now you're mine forever.
and you're mine forever.
we'll grow old together.
and be happy together.
have you told her?
of course not.
why not?
she would laugh at me.
how do you know?
because they always do.
maybe she's different.
they're all the same.
just ask her out to dinner.
and then what?
and then she'll know that you like her.
i'm not in the mood.
what's the matter?
i saw you looking at that woman.
what woman?
you know, that woman with the big boobs.
i was not looking at her.
you were, too.
i'm not interested in her.
then why were you looking at her?
i was looking at something else.
oh, really? then spend tonight looking at the sofa.
you must be joking.
no, i'm serious.
i don't want to date a blind woman.
a blind date doesn't mean that she is blind!
what does it mean?
a blind date is a date with someone you don't know.
why would i date someone i don't even know?
to try something new and exciting.
what if i don't like her?
then you don't date her again.
really? who with?
a girl i met at the market.
you met a girl at the supermarket?
she was standing behind me in a really slow line at the checkout counter.
what did you say to her?
i had two pineapples in my cart, and she asked where i had found them.
she asked you about your pineapples?
i told her i had gotten the last two on the shelf, but i offered her one of mine.
that was nice of you.
she asked me how she could return the favor, so i asked her out.
sometimes a slow line can be a good thing.
yes, in fact, i did.
who did you go out with?
a man i met in a coffee shop.
where did you go?
we went to a nice restaurant.
anywhere else?
then we went to a jazz club.
that sounds like a nice date.
yes, it was pleasant.
but you won't date him again?
no. he was nice, but there was no chemistry.
what happened?
first of all, he was half an hour late.
that's not a good start.
then he didn't bother to apologize.
that's rude.
then he drove too fast to the restaurant.
that's dangerous.
i thought about getting out and taking a taxi home.
what happened at the restaurant?
we had a $40 meal, and he left a $1 tip!
i guess you can't go back to that restaurant.
why not?
he's a dirty old man.
what do you mean?
he's old enough to be my father, yet he asked me out.
well, you can't blame a man for asking.
he should act his age.
but a lot of old people are still interested in dating.
they should find a nice hobby.
just wait until you're 50 years old.
dating will be the furthest thing from my mind.
that's what you say now. wait till you're 50.
sometimes.
what does she do?
just yesterday, i told her i wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world.
that was a nice thing to say.
that's what i thought.
what did she say?
she laughed! she didn't believe me.
that wasn't very nice of her.
she said that nothing is more important to me than money.
what did you say?
i told her i wouldn't trade her for any other woman in the world.
i wish i had a good nose. mine is way too big.
i don't mean good-looking. i mean good-smelling.
oh. but that can be a curse.
yes, because you can be too sensitive to odors.
i'll say. my girlfriend has a nose like a drug dog.
did she catch you using drugs?
sort of. she knows whenever i sneak a cigarette.
you don't need a good nose for that—cigarettes stink.
but when i sneak just one cigarette in the morning, she can smell it that evening!
boy, that is a good nose.
i told her she should apply for a job at customs.
that sounds like fun.
where do you want to go?
let me think a minute.
i feel like chinese.
that sounds delicious.
i know a good chinese restaurant.
how far away is it?
it's only 10 minutes from here.
do we need reservations?
oh, no. we can walk right in.
let's go now. i'm hungry!
this is a popular restaurant, isn't it?
yes, but it isn't a fast-food restaurant, is it?
it's the slowest hamburger in town.
that's because they cook it while you wait.
yes. that's why it's also the best hamburger in town.
a great burger and great service.
yes, the workers are very polite.
and they're clean.
i've been coming here for years.
me too.
excuse me. they just called my number.
thank you.
what kind of soup was that?
it was tomato soup.
that tasted so good.
i put lemon and butter in it.
the sandwich was good, too.
everyone likes bacon and tomato sandwiches.
especially on toast.
and the pickles were great, too.
tomorrow we'll have rice and fish for lunch.
i can't wait.
what's the matter?
this steak has too much fat.
what do you want the waiter to do?
bring me a better steak.
i wouldn't do that.
why not?
they will drop the new steak on the floor, step on it, and then spit on it.
you're crazy.
then the waiter will give you a big smile as he brings you the new steak.
where do you get these crazy ideas?
i used to cook in a restaurant!
but we just got here.
did you see the waiter's hands?
no.
he had dirty fingernails.
really?
his nails were black!
that's disgusting.
and he poured water into our glasses.
yuck! no water for me.
i wonder if the cooks' nails are dirty, too.
who cares? let's get out of here.
i like this restaurant because they give you free bread.
well, i think we are paying for it.
no. look at the bill when we get it. there's no charge for the bread.
it is delicious, especially with butter.
i think we should just leave after we fill up on the bread.
they probably wouldn't like that.
i'm eating so much bread that i'm getting full.
then stop eating the bread!
okay, just one more piece. pass the butter, please.
if i owned a restaurant, i would never serve hot bread before the main course.
that's terrible. i would never go to your restaurant.
well, the tables and chairs look okay.
okay, let's sit down.
check out the silverware.
it passes inspection.
here comes the waiter. see if his hands and nails are clean.
well, the waiter looked clean, so i guess it's okay to eat here.
you're forgetting about the bathroom.
i'm going to just hope that the bathroom is clean.
you're not going to examine it before we order dinner?
no, i'd rather not find out that it's dirty, because i'm pretty hungry right now.
me, too. let's forget about germs and focus on food.
here he comes now.
we've been sitting here for almost 10 minutes.
oops, i guess i was wrong. that isn't our waiter.
we can give him five more minutes, and then leave.
i'll go up front and talk to the manager.
that's a good idea.
maybe they'll give us free drinks for waiting so long.
maybe he'll send us our waiter immediately.
every time we eat out, it's an adventure.
last time, we got seats next to the kitchen.
we'll never go there again.
no, it's too close to the kitchen door.
how about this table?
no, it's too close to the front door.
this looks like a nice table.
no, it's too close to the salad bar.
okay, i give up.
well, there is one good table.
great. which one?
that one. a group of eight just sat down at it.
what is it this time?
an andy warhol drawing.
he's a famous artist.
he drew two butterflies and a flower on a napkin in a restaurant.
did he sign it?
yes.
is it beautiful?
it's just black ink on a white napkin. and the napkin has food stains!
so it's not worth much?
only about $30,000.
without the food stains, it would probably be worth more.
of course.
i love baseball.
so do i.
i love to eat the peanuts.
i love to eat the hot dogs.
i hope we'll see a home run.
i hope we'll catch a foul ball.
bring a jacket.
yes. it gets a little cool at night.
bring a glove to catch a foul ball.
no. i'll just use my cap to catch a foul ball.
it certainly is.
you hit a white ball.
and then you chase it.
and then you hit it again.
finally, you put the ball into a hole in the ground.
you do this 18 times, because there are 18 holes.
what's the point?
how can it be fun?
they pay money to play this silly game!
i think golfers have a mental problem.
i think they're nuts.
yes. that's a good idea.
where do you want to go?
we can go to the river.
or we can go to the lake.
or we can go to the ocean.
let's go to the lake.
yes. the lake is only 10 miles away.
we can be there in 20 minutes.
i'll get our fishing rods.
i'll get the bait.
we'll have fresh fish for dinner!
i like to hit the ball.
i like to run around the bases.
i like to slide into the bases.
yeah. it's a lot of fun to slide.
i want to be a baseball player when i grow up.
me too. i want to play for the yankees.
not me. i want to play for the dodgers.
we have to practice every day.
i don't like practice.
me neither. it's boring.
but practice makes perfect.
that's a good idea.
i bought some new shoes.
are they comfortable?
they're very comfortable.
how much were they?
they were on sale for $80.
do they help you run faster?
no, but my feet don't hurt anymore.
then they're worth every penny.
you might want to buy a pair.
i'll wait until i wear this pair out.
you can say that again.
but i'm worried about tiger.
why is that?
because he likes to scuba dive.
what's wrong with that?
it can be dangerous.
you mean he could drown.
he shouldn't scuba dive until he retires.
but he dives to relax.
he might relax, but it makes me nervous.
if his wife doesn't mind, you shouldn't mind.
the one that tiger won?
how did he do it?
it was nothing for him.
he sank a 20-foot putt on the last hole to win by one stroke!
he sank a 25-footer last year at the same tournament to win by one stroke.
i think he is from outer space.
no human could possibly play golf that well.
whenever he needs a shot to win a tournament, he makes that shot.
no human can do that.
somebody should check his birth record.
i bet it says he was born on mars.
there are so many great players.
yes, but who is the greatest?
i'd have to say babe ruth.
most people would say that.
he changed the game.
yes, he made the home run popular.
everybody loved him, all over the nation.
he helped make the yankees the best team ever.
and ruth was a good person, too.
he always visited hospitals to cheer up sick kids.
there will never be another babe.
no, please tell me.
someone punched out someone.
that's not nice.
it's worse than that.
how so?
two guys got into an argument.
i'll bet they were drinking.
a third guy punched one of the two guys.
i'll bet he was drinking, too.
the victim hit his head on the concrete steps and died.
that's terrible. can't people just have fun at a baseball game?
is there a game tonight?
yes, it starts at 7 p.m.
can we get tickets?
yes, but only the cheap tickets.
how much are they?
they're only $5 each.
that's a good price.
yes, it's cheaper than a hot dog or a beer.
where are the seats?
they're behind the outfield.
maybe we can catch a home run ball.
what's so hard about hitting a little white ball?
it's hard if you want to do it right.
you mean like tiger?
no, like a good amateur golfer.
what's so hard about golf?
there are so many things you have to do right.
like what?
like keep your left arm straight, keep your head down, and follow through.
yikes! who can remember all that?
you need to get a lot of lessons when you're really young.
forget it. golf sounds more like work than fun.
the home run hitter on drugs?
he said a doctor helped him with a personal problem.
he said he wasn't using drugs.
he apologized to the fans.
the league suspended him for 50 games.
that will cost him some money.
yes, about $7 million.
that will teach him a good lesson.
he probably won't use drugs anymore.
but it won't stop other players from using drugs.
no. everyone always figures that they won't get caught.
because parents don't teach their kids right from wrong.
is that it?
also, there aren't enough police.
but there are a lot of police.
there's only one police officer per 100 criminals.
can't we hire more police?
no. it costs too much money.
doesn't crime cost more than police?
yes, it does.
so it would be cheaper to hire more police?
yes, it would.
yes, it is.
people are friendly.
yes, they are.
the streets and sidewalks are clean.
yes, they are.
there's a real nice park nearby.
yes, there is.
i feel safe here.
there is no crime here.
i wish i could move here.
maybe you can, if someone moves out.
what happened?
the man fell asleep.
was he smoking?
yes, he was smoking a cigarette.
did he die?
yes, he did. his cat died, too.
that's too bad. what about his smoke alarm?
the battery was dead.
a good battery would have saved his life.
he had cigarettes, but no battery.
it happens all the time.
he's been in jail three times already.
why did they ever let him out?
it's the law. they can't keep him in jail forever.
why not? everyone knows he's a firebug. he loves to start fires.
i don't know. sometimes the law doesn't make sense.
but his latest fire killed someone.
this time they have charged him with murder.
so maybe he'll go to jail forever?
i sure hope so.
someone should set him on fire.
that would teach him a good lesson.
why?
because it will protect you in case of an accident.
but it's uncomfortable.
it's the law.
it's so much trouble.
it's common sense.
it's so tight that it's hard for me to breathe.
hold your breath till we get there.
okay, my seatbelt is on.
i'm glad you don't complain very much.
i'm ready for an accident.
i'm going to change the light bulb. it burnt out.
what are you standing on?
a couple of dictionaries and some textbooks.
are you crazy?
what's the matter?
those books will slip and you'll fall.
it's only a couple of feet.
what if you fall while you're holding the light bulb, and it breaks and pieces go
into your eyes?
i never thought about that.
you'd be blind for the rest of your life!
i'll get the stepladder.
yes. i called for a clean-up.
a puddle of water is very dangerous.
it isn't easy to see.
but it's real easy to slip on.
especially on these slick floors.
someone who slips could hurt their back.
they could even crack their head open.
we should stand here till the clean-up person gets here.
we can leave if we put an orange cone here.
yes, but i don't know where the orange cones are.
it doesn't matter. here he comes now with the mop.
we tell our students to leave the classroom.
can they take their belongings?
yes, if they do it quickly.
where do the students go?
they go out to the north parking lot.
what do the teachers do?
we take our rosters to the parking lot and take roll.
why do you do that?
we want to make sure all the students are out of the building.
if they are all outside, then what?
then we just wait outside for a fireman to tell us to go back in.
why? we're already late.
i have to check the stove.
what's the matter?
maybe i left the burner on.
no, you didn't. i checked the stove before we left.
are you sure?
of course i'm sure.
well, i have to go back upstairs anyway.
it's getting later every minute.
i think i left the water running.
no, you didn't. let's go! the only thing running is the clock!
what are they paying?
up to $200 for each gun, no questions asked.
why are they doing this?
they want to get guns off the street.
who would turn in a gun for $200?
that isn't a good deal?
a good gun costs $400 or more.
well, if you bring your receipt, maybe they'll give you $400.
i'll keep my receipt and my gun.
i didn't know you had a gun.
everyone in america should have a gun.
i sure am.
you should go to bed.
i will as soon as i finish this article.
what are you reading?
it's about crime in los angeles.
what does it say?
the mayor says the crime rate is going down.
then why does everyone lock their doors?
i guess they haven't read this article.
no one believes that the crime rate is going down.
maybe the mayor is just talking about his own neighborhood.
why is that?
because of all the earthquakes and fires.
but big earthquakes happen only once in a while.
once in a while is once too many.
but you're right. there are a lot of fires.
a recent fire destroyed 85 homes.
still, it's safer than florida.
florida doesn't have earthquakes or fires.
no, florida just has hurricanes every year from june to october.
but most of those hurricanes are harmless.
excuse me. hurricane andrew destroyed 30,000 homes!
did you like it?
i loved it. i want to live there.
what did you like?
the island is so green, and the water is so blue.
did you go swimming?
i went to the beach every day.
how was the weather?
it was hot and sunny every day.
what did you do at night?
at night i went out to eat. the food was delicious.
people who live in hawaii are lucky.
what do you like about it?
we get a free breakfast.
coffee and a roll?
no, a real breakfast.
bacon and eggs?
with toast, ham, sausage, fresh fruit, and juice.
wow! that is nice. let's stay for two nights.
and the rooms are clean, too.
do they allow pets?
no pets, no smoking.
i like that. let's stay three nights.
what's the matter? this is a nice room.
maybe the room is nice, but not the bed.
what's wrong with the bed?
look at this sheet.
yes?
see those stains?
i sure do.
i'm not sleeping on that sheet.
well, just call the front desk. they'll give us new sheets.
i want sheets without stains on them.
from now on, let's bring our own sheets.
it leaves at 12:15.
when do you have to be at the airport?
i have to be there two hours early.
so we have to be at the airport at 10:15.
that means we have to leave the house at 9:15.
well, it's an hour to get there, if there are no traffic problems.
so maybe we better leave at 8:15?
yes, it's better to get there too early than too late.
i agree.
you never know what might happen on these freeways.
there's at least one huge accident every day.
when are you going?
during the christmas holidays.
you'd better buy your ticket now.
you must be kidding.
no, i'm not. it's march. time is running out. seats are selling out right now.
i thought i would wait until october.
i'll bet this is the first time you've ever flown during christmas.
you're right.
well, listen to me. you need to buy a ticket now.
but maybe prices will be cheaper in october.
cheaper prices won't do you any good if there are no seats.
so do i.
a long time ago, flying used to be okay.
now it's like riding a bus.
you're jammed in with people all around you.
half of them are coughing, and the other half are sneezing.
you don't have any elbow room or knee room.
people are always getting up to use the bathroom.
kids are crying or climbing over you.
it's a flying zoo!
i wish i could afford first class seats.
doesn't everybody?
good for him.
why would he do that?
did he set a new record?
yes, i think he did.
well, i guess that's why he did it.
what's the point?
now he has the world record!
but someone's going to break it, so what good is it?
well, he can enjoy it while it lasts.
i don't think he even got paid for it.
some people do it just to do it.
that sounds like fun. where do you want to go?
i want to cruise to hawaii.
that should be a nice trip. lots of fun, and lots of food.
i have no idea how much it will cost.
i think it depends on the season and on your cabin.
well, of course i want to go when the weather is nice.
yes, you don't want to travel in winter storms.
and i want to get a big cabin with a view.
are you going to travel alone?
no, my sister and i will travel together.
well, you should go online and try to find a good deal.
because of all the security?
no, because it hurts my ears.
what do you mean?
every time we land or take off, my ears hurt so much.
that's just the altitude change, i think.
whatever it is, it hurts.
can't you take medicine or something for it?
i've tried everything, but nothing works.
have you tried earplugs?
they don't work, either.
well, be glad you're not a pilot.
are you going to go anywhere?
i was thinking of driving to arizona.
to the grand canyon?
yes. i've never been there.
i was there when i was a kid.
how did you like it?
i loved it. i still remember how amazing it was.
i'm sure i'll like it, too.
you should try riding a mule on a trail to the bottom.
no way! i don't want to fall to my death.
don't worry. only one person has ever fallen off a mule.
the worst in the whole world.
the walls were so thin.
all day long we heard tvs or telephones.
all night long we heard people snoring.
housekeeping didn't give us fresh towels.
room service brought us a cold dinner.
our nonsmoking room stunk of cigarette smoke.
our room was right next to the elevator and the ice machine.
they added phony charges to our bill.
how did we end up in that terrible hotel?
the travel agent gave us a 50-percent discount!
it's not even 10 o'clock.
i'm falling asleep on the phone.
you got up real early.
i had to take my friend to the airport.
why didn't you take a nap when you got home?
i didn't get home until 30 minutes ago.
why is that?
there was a bomb threat at the airport.
only a threat?
yes, but i was stuck there all day while they looked for the bomb.
someday the bomb is going to be for real.
why did he do that?
he was invited, along with about 90 other veterans.
who invited them?
some private organization.
why did they invite him?
to thank him and all the other soldiers who served in world war ii.
that's very nice.
my dad got to see the beautiful new world war ii monument.
that trip must have cost a lot of money.
he said all the money came from private donations.
tell me about it, dad.
about 90 of us world war ii veterans got on the plane at 8 a.m.
how long was the flight?
it only took about two hours.
did you take pictures at the world war ii monument?
oh, yes. we all took lots of pictures.
then you flew back home that evening?
yes. when we landed, tv reporters and the army band were there.
that must have made you feel really special.
oh, it did. there were about 300 people there to honor us.
well, you all deserve it. you helped save our country.
i thought you had a job.
i did.
what happened?
i got laid off.
that's terrible! when did it happen?
i got laid off last week.
just you?
no, ten of my coworkers got laid off, too.
what are you going to do?
i'm looking in the newspaper for a job.
good luck!
what's to check?
are your nails clean?
yes, they are.
did you double-check your nose and teeth?
they are clean, too.
did you shine your shoes?
my shoes are shined.
do your socks match?
of course they match.
no, they don't. one is black and one is dark blue.
yikes! thank you.
it sure is.
i thought school was hard.
me, too. i couldn't wait to graduate.
but now work is hard, too.
i agree. work is just as hard as school.
sometimes i wish i was back in school.
me, too. school was fun.
and it was only 12 years.
it went by pretty fast.
but work goes on forever!
we have to work for 30 years!
so am i.
i had a long day.
so did i.
i didn't even have lunch.
neither did i.
i was busy the whole day.
so was i.
i had to bring work home with me.
i did too.
your day was just like mine.
of course it was. we work together!
what do you do?
i'm a babysitter.
is that a lot of work?
babies cry all the time.
you have to change their diapers.
i have to feed them.
are you looking for another job?
no, i'm looking for another family.
another family?
a family with only one baby.
that's a good idea.
what was your last job?
i was a painter.
what happened?
i got laid off because there was no work.
what else can you do?
i'm a handyman.
can you fix a dripping faucet in a kitchen sink?
of course.
then i have a job for you in my kitchen.
it will cost you only $20 plus parts.
okay. that sounds like a fair price.
i have no idea. i've been here for 20 years.
do you have any other skills?
well, i know how to flip hamburgers.
no one would hire you to flip hamburgers.
have you heard something that you're not telling me?
what do you mean?
are there going to be layoffs at this place?
i certainly hope not!
if you got laid off, you'd be flipping hamburgers, too.
oh great, we could both work at burger king.
maybe we'd get laid off there, too.
yes, and they ask me what jobs are the best.
i tell my students to become a teacher.
teaching is a great job.
it's the best job i've ever had.
what makes it so good?
for me, it's the students.
what do you mean?
i mean i have wonderful students.
that must be nice.
teaching is the best part of my whole day.
you're a lucky man to have a job you love.
how long did it take?
four hours, without a break.
it's always nice to finish a job.
well, it's good and bad.
what's bad about it?
when you finish, all you do is start another job!
yes, that's right. it does get boring.
especially if it's the same work, over and over.
but that's what most people do.
yes, i guess most of us are stuck in a routine.
i wonder if there is any job that you don't repeat over and over.
what makes him so bad?
he's rude and he yells a lot.
that's hard to take.
i've never heard him say please or thank you.
he sounds like a real jerk.
no one at work likes him.
can't you report him to his supervisor?
of course not. if i do that, i'll lose my job.
yes, they don't like troublemakers or complainers.
i can't quit, because i'm making a good salary.
you shouldn't choose money over happiness.
about what?
about finding a job for me.
you don't need a job. i make enough money for both of us.
that doesn't matter. i don't want to sit around.
okay, what kind of job do you want?
i'm not sure.
well, you should do something that you enjoy.
i enjoy selling. i was born to sell.
okay, what do you want to sell?
cigarette lighters. i'll make a fortune.
but you hate cigarettes and you hate smoking!
yes, i saw it on the tv news.
they need 300 new workers.
and 4,000 people showed up.
so many people are out of work.
i still have my job, thank goodness.
so do i, but i'm worried.
me too. there are no guarantees.
if you lose your job, you can move in with me.
oh, thank you. that's very nice of you.
you would do the same for me.
of course. what are friends for?
what did you do?
i bought some stock.
everybody buys stock.
i bought it on a hunch.
you didn't read about the company first?
i didn't have to. it's been in business for 60 years.
so what's the problem?
i used all my savings on this one company.
you put all your eggs into one basket.
if the company goes out of business, i'll have nothing.
oh, you'll have something—you'll have a lesson you'll never forget!
what happened to your plans?
i got a d in college chemistry.
well, a d is better than an f.
a tutor helped me get the d!
so, you didn't become a doctor.
and now i'm glad that i didn't.
why's that?
a hospital is the most dangerous place in the world.
oh, yes, because of all the killer germs.
if you're a smart doctor, you stay away from hospitals.
yes, the smart doctors are those tv news doctors—no hospitals, no patients.
why?
because you get to meet a lot of people.
you sure do.
and you get a lot of exercise every day.
that's the truth.
and you get to play with a lot of dogs.
well, you're supposed to be working.
yes, but i will always pet the friendly dogs.
what about the unfriendly dogs?
i think if you are friendly to dogs, they are friendly to you.
dogs are like people—not all of them are friendly.
to the state or the city?
to the city, of course.
why do you want to move there?
because i want to make a lot of money.
there are a lot of poor people in new york.
there sure are—at least a million.
so how do you plan to become rich?
i will knock on the doors of all the corporations.
that won't make you rich. nobody will talk to you.
i will keep knocking on doors.
all you will get is sore knuckles.
me too.
i usually eat a simple salad.
what do you put in it?
just lettuce, tomato, and celery.
that's it?
i add some pepper and salt.
i always put cheese in my salads.
yes, cheese is nice.
what kind of dressing do you use?
i pour lots of french dressing on top.
me too. french dressing is so delicious! who cares about calories?
me too.
where does cheese come from?
it comes from cows.
so we get cheese from cows, and we get milk, too?
yes, we do.
what else do we get from cows?
we get hamburgers and steak.
oh, that's so delicious.
we also get leather.
we get a lot of things from cows, don't we?
yes. a cow is man's best friend.
how did you like it?
i loved it!
did you get free food?
i ate free cheese and meat every day.
that sounds like a great job.
whatever a customer ordered, i sliced off a little more for me.
did you get fat?
no, but i did put on a few pounds.
that sounds like a dream job.
it was, until one day my manager caught me.
no more free cheese for you, huh?
what are you eating now?
i switched from pasta to potatoes.
why did you do that?
pasta is processed food. potatoes are natural food.
natural food has more vitamins.
and it's just as easy to prepare.
how do you prepare the potatoes?
i wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.
that's pretty simple.
then i add butter, salt, and pepper.
can i have all those cans of tomato sauce you bought for your pasta?
why was that?
i sprinkled salt and pepper on the food before i tasted it.
what's the matter with that?
her mom is a great cook.
so, a little salt and pepper never hurt anything.
it hurt her feelings.
oh.
i apologized to her, but i could tell she was still upset.
maybe you shouldn't eat there again.
i'm sure everything will be okay in a day or two.
it's your girlfriend's fault. she should have warned you.
you're kidding.
no, i'm serious.
doesn't that get old?
no, because i'm eating food that i like.
but the same thing day after day gets old.
well, i guess if it ever does get old, i'll change to something different.
do you eat fruits and vegetables every day?
no, i hate vegetables.
but you eat fruits.
i eat two apples, one banana, and one orange every day.
well, there's nothing wrong with that.
what's wrong?
it's not orange!
your orange isn't orange?
no, it's dark pink!
are you sure? i never heard of such a thing.
i just peeled it, and i'm looking at it right now.
let me see. yes, you're right. your orange is pink.
who ever heard of such a thing?
oh, look. here's the little sticker that was on it. it's called a pink navel.
what is this world coming to?
who knows? maybe soon we'll have pink bananas.
me, too. i love them roasted and salted.
i love boiled peanuts.
boiled? i never heard of that.
just boil raw peanuts in salt water until the shells are soft.
i'll have to try them sometime.
they're best when they're hot.
my brother is allergic to peanuts.
that's not good.
no, it isn't. he almost died when he was little.
i guess he has to be very careful about what he eats.
he has a very strict diet.
how much have you gained?
three pounds just this month.
do you know why?
i think it's the ice cream.
you started eating ice cream?
it was on sale.
how much did you buy?
i filled up my freezer with ice cream.
well, it won't last forever.
no, i figure i'll finish it all by next week.
then you can start losing weight, if there isn't another sale.
of course you are. you ate everything on the table.
i don't like to eat leftovers.
i'm glad to hear there's something you don't like to eat.
i like my food hot and fresh.
you like to see it disappear.
i don't like it reheated.
well, you'll have hot fresh food tomorrow night.
i'm so full i'm going to burst.
you should loosen your belt.
i already loosened my belt and unbuttoned my pants.
well, don't stand up, please.
i didn't do anything.
oh yes, you did.
what are you talking about?
you know what i'm talking about.
i don't have any idea.
you know what you did.
maybe i know, but how could you know?
because i was watching you.
okay, i'm sorry i did it.
don't drink milk out of the carton. use a glass!
i promise i'll never drink out of the carton again.
so do i.
how much is it?
i don't know. the tag is missing.
ask the clerk.
i will.
oh, look. here's another shirt just like it.
does it have a price tag?
yes, it does. it's only $20.
that's a great price.
i think i'll buy both of them.
you'd better try them on first.
thank you.
i hope they fit.
i hope you kept the receipt.
you think they won't fit?
i think i've put on some weight.
you think?
maybe a pound or two.
maybe four or five pounds?
my waist is bigger than it was.
no problem. these pants have an elastic waistband.
you are so smart!
let me look at our list.
i know that we need milk.
nonfat.
of course. what else?
we need cheese, bread, and ham.
what kind of cheese?
swiss.
of course, the cheese with holes in it.
i never used to buy swiss cheese.
why not?
i didn't want to pay for the holes.
i thought you just bought a pair.
i did.
what's wrong with them so soon?
the pants are fine, but the pocket has a huge hole in it.
you shouldn't carry your keys and pens in your pocket.
but that's what pockets are for.
you should carry them in a purse.
i'm a man, and men don't carry purses!
well, you should buy pants with stronger pockets.
i would if i could find someone who makes strong pockets.
try a google search online.
you use them to wipe the handle of the shopping cart.
that's a great idea.
yes, all the markets just started offering wipes to shoppers.
i'm going to take five wipes.
what do you need five of them for?
one to wipe the handle, and the others to wipe the produce.
what's the matter with the produce?
do you think the bananas fell from the sky?
what do you mean?
i mean, someone used their dirty hands to pick the bananas, the apples, and the
oranges.
well, you better save a wipe for the dirty dollar bills you're going to pay with.
yes, i did.
what did you buy?
well, i got a lot of good deals, as usual.
like what?
well, a dozen large eggs were only 99 cents.
that's a good deal.
and a one-pound tub of soft butter was the same price.
another good deal.
but the best deal was five pounds of potatoes for 99 cents.
i don't know how that store makes money.
neither do i, but they're doing something right.
what's the matter with yours?
it's six years old.
that's pretty old.
it still works, but i'm going to give it to a charity.
are you going to buy a desktop or laptop?
oh, a laptop, of course.
a pc or a mac?
i haven't decided yet.
more and more people are using macs.
but 90 percent of the world uses pcs.
and that's not going to change anytime soon.
what happened?
i had a car problem, so i went online.
did you find a solution?
yes, i did. a site i went to said they would send me the solution.
so, what's the problem?
i sent them $20 using my credit card, but they never sent me the solution.
what are you going to do?
i sent them an email asking for my money back.
have you heard from them?
not yet. it's been a week.
well, i guess that's a $20 lesson for you.
which one?
any one. i need to sharpen this pencil.
i think there's one on the dining room table.
i already looked there.
did you look in the desk drawer?
yes, i looked there, too.
don't we have about five sharpeners?
yes, but they seem to have legs.
tomorrow i'm going to buy an electric sharpener.
get one with the rubber suction cups on the bottom.
yes. that way it will stay where i put it.
how are you doing that?
i started shopping at the dollar store.
that saves a lot of money.
i bought three pounds of potatoes for a dollar.
that's a good deal.
yes, even though some of the potatoes had eyes.
just put them in the fridge.
also, i bought a can of cheap coffee and a bag of good coffee.
why did you do that?
i mixed them together.
if the coffee still tastes okay, that's a good idea.
can we afford it?
they want 20 percent down.
that's a lot of money.
but the house is so nice.
it's in a great neighborhood.
it's close to the beach.
it's close to the freeways.
it's got a big yard.
the kids love the house, too.
if we don't buy it, someone else will.
you're right. let's buy it now. we can worry later.
are you sure?
we will be house rich, but cash poor.
what do you mean?
our monthly payments will be too high.
we won't have any money for other things?
no, we won't have money for gas or food.
we'll be eating peanut butter sandwiches?
without the peanut butter!
that's no good!
we have to find a cheaper house.
of course. we can't live without gas or peanut butter.
i don't like it.
what's the matter with it?
it's on the corner.
so?
that means it gets twice as much traffic.
you're right.
when you're inside, you will always hear cars stopping and stopping at the
intersection.
or you'll hear the collision if someone doesn't stop.
or you'll see the collision if they crash into the house.
let's find a house that's at the end of a dead end.
that's perfect. the less traffic, the better.
me, too.
we have a 2 o'clock appointment to see the one on main street.
we'd better get ready to go.
it's an upstairs unit.
that's good, because i don't want to live under people with loud feet.
and it's a corner unit.
that's great. we won't have neighbors on both sides of us.
no pets are allowed.
perfect. we don't have to listen to barking dogs.
and there are only six units in the whole building.
where's the checkbook? i'm ready to rent it without even seeing it.
yes. he said he'd come over tomorrow.
did he say what time?
yes. he said he'd be here at 9 o'clock.
did he understand what the problem is?
yes. i told him our doorbell doesn't work.
it shouldn't take him long to fix it.
i don't even know why we need to fix it.
in case we have visitors.
but they can just knock on the door.
actually, i want him to look at our carpet, too.
yes, it would be nice if he'd give us a new carpet.
yes, it's beautiful.
it's perfect for us and the kids.
three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a big back yard.
and we can afford it!
so are we going to buy it?
i'm afraid not.
it's too far from your job, isn't it?
i can't spend four hours on the road every day.
by the time you get home, you'll be too tired to even eat.
i won't be able to play with the kids.
no, we have to find something closer to your job.
it sure is.
in fact, it's chilly in the apartment, too.
let's turn on the heat.
i'll check to make sure that all the windows are shut.
it should be warmer in a few minutes.
it's so nice to have a heated apartment.
how did they survive in the old days?
they had fireplaces.
someone had to chop the wood.
and carry it into the house.
all we have to do is flip a switch.
the streets are clean and quiet.
the neighbors don't party on the weekends.
people take care of their lawns.
no rusty old cars are sitting in the front yards.
we never have to call the police about anything.
our kids are completely safe.
so why are we selling our house?
they're building a 3-story apartment building on the corner.
so we've got to sell before property values go down?
yes. i still can't believe our city council allowed this building.
they're probably getting something under the table.
yes, it was.
they said about 30 houses burned to the ground.
and they were expensive houses.
i feel so sorry for those people.
why feel sorry for rich people?
i feel sorry for anyone who loses their home.
so do i, but not if they're rich.
what does that have to do with it?
rich people think they're better than us.
how many rich people do you know?
none.
of course they are. they're starving to death.
they should stay in the woods where they belong.
there's no food in the woods.
can't they eat grass?
do you think a bear is a cow?
well, i've seen them eating berries.
berries aren't in season all year round.
it's too dangerous for kids and pets.
people need to cover their trash cans.
the police need to shoot all the bears.
you don't solve a problem by shooting it.
i voted for obama.
me too.
he will be a great president.
everyone likes him.
he's a good speaker.
and he's really smart.
he will solve our problems.
he will end the war.
the next four years will be good years.
i'll vote for him next time, too.
i think everyone will.
who are you voting for?
i'm not voting for the mayor.
why not?
he made promises that he didn't keep.
like what?
he promised to hire 1,000 more police officers.
how many did he hire?
one hundred!
maybe he had a good reason.
maybe he's just a liar.
maybe i'll vote for someone else, too.
only 15 percent of the voters turned out.
that is a joke.
voting is so important, but people don't bother.
many people think their vote doesn't matter.
the mayor won by only 2,000 votes.
we're stuck with him for four more years.
voting is so easy. you can even mail your ballot in.
all you have to do is vote and put a stamp on it.
how easy is that?
i guess people just don't care.
they'll care when they see their taxes go up.
but we have the same old problems.
well, he's made a few changes.
like what?
i think he closed the bowling alley in the white house.
oh, yeah. he's changing it to a basketball court.
who's paying for that?
i think we are!
well, that's okay, as long as it helps him relax and think more clearly.
yes, we need a relaxed president who thinks clearly.
do any other world leaders have a basketball court?
they will. you know america always leads the way.
well, more than 50 million people voted for mccain.
that's 50 million people who don't love obama.
obama's got four years to make everyone happy.
he's never going to make everyone happy.
can you imagine being president?
everyone wants you to solve their problems.
i have enough stress from trying to solve my own problems.
you and everybody else.
i would never want to be president.
but think about all the power you'd have.
i prefer my quiet little life to all the power in the world.
what article?
it says the mayor spends only 11 percent of his time on city duties.
only 11 percent?
about 50 percent of the time he's traveling.
where does he travel to?
oh, all over the world.
but he's supposed to be making our city a better place.
he's visiting other cities to get ideas.
can't he just go online?
the rest of the time he's raising money for his reelection.
well, he'll never get reelected once this news gets out.
i voted for ralph nader.
who in the world is ralph nader?
he's the best man for president.
why's that?
he hates corporations.
well, most corporations do think only about money.
he hates democrats and republicans.
well, they do put their party before their country.
he's the only candidate that i trust.
but he didn't have a chance. nobody voted for him!
sooner or later, voters will wake up.
why's that?
what good does it do?
you get to put someone in power that you like.
only if my candidate wins.
well, he can't win unless you and others vote for him.
but even if my candidate wins, he'll break his promises.
that's true. they promise anything just so they get elected.
and when elected, they go their own way.
they forget who put them in power.
they forget where they came from.
maybe you should run for office.
what do you mean?
there were more votes than voters!
but that's impossible.
officials said that it's possible.
did they explain how it's possible?
no. they said there are some things you can't explain.
so are they going to hold another election?
no. that will cost too much money.
so it's better to save money than to have an honest election?
well, the democratic party says it was an honest election.
of course they say that—their man won!
yes. he's telling jokes about his eight years as president.
yes, those eight years were a lot of fun for everyone.
only 4,000 american soldiers were killed overseas.
not to mention 40,000 wounded soldiers.
but bush visited some of them in the hospital once.
that's nice that he found the time to make a visit.
he spoke to them and made them feel better.
did he speak to every family that lost a soldier?
no, he didn't have time to do that.
well, he's got plenty of time now!
no, he's too busy writing a book about how hard it was to be president.
yes, with the voter instructions.
how are you going to vote?
same as ever, by mail. all it costs me is a 42-cent stamp.
i meant, are you going to vote for or against the new taxes?
against all of them, of course.
but we need new taxes to pay for highways, schools, and prisons.
we've already voted for new taxes to pay for all that stuff!
that's true. where did that money go?
our legislators spent it on first-class travel all over the world.
they are having a good time with our money.
so when are we going to stop giving them more?
do you mean on measures 1, 2, and 3?
yes. the ones that will improve our schools, roads, and hospitals.
you mean the measures that will raise our taxes.
but the tv ads say that our taxes will not increase.
do you believe the tv ads?
i like the one where the fireman tells us why we should vote yes.
don't believe him! whatever the tv ads tell you, the opposite is true.
but the title of measure 1 is "better schools at no cost."
the title should be "better schools at huge cost."
i can't believe that they would lie to us.
of course they lie—that's what politicians do!
is it something you ate?
maybe. i'm not sure.
what did you have for breakfast?
the usual, cereal with milk and a banana.
maybe the milk was bad.
it didn't smell bad.
maybe the banana was bad.
no, the banana was delicious.
maybe you just need to go to the bathroom.
no, that's not the problem.
maybe it will go away in a little while.
i don't know.
it looks like blood.
i think my nose was bleeding.
you should wet your shirt immediately.
why?
because that gets the blood out of the shirt.
what's a little blood?
your white shirt is ruined.
so, i'll just buy another one.
you can wear this one around the house.
next time i'll soak it immediately.
why do they hurt?
i type too much.
you should take a break.
i need to type to make money.
but typing is causing you pain.
maybe i should see a doctor.
doctors are too expensive.
he might tell me to rest for a while.
he might want to cut you open.
he might say i'm okay.
he might say you have bone cancer.
he thinks i have too much stress.
stress causes your stomachaches?
stress causes different problems with different people.
so what did he tell you to do?
he said i need to think positive.
he didn't give you any medication?
i hate medication. it makes me feel different.
so how do you think positive?
i think about nice things.
like what?
like a day at the beach, with my toes in the sand.
how did you do that?
it's a paper cut.
paper can be dangerous.
it hurts, too.
paper cuts can hurt a lot.
where are the band-aids?
i think they're in the medicine cabinet.
it's on the tip of my finger.
a band-aid might not work.
i must not use this finger until the cut heals.
it might take a day or two to heal.
oh, yes.
i can't stand cigarette smoke.
it smells so bad.
one cigarette stinks up the whole sidewalk.
smokers think they are so cool.
they are so weak.
a little cigarette controls them.
they look so stupid taking a puff.
and then they blow smoke out of their mouth.
they think it's cool.
cigarettes stink.
yes, i do.
how did you get it?
my sister had a cold. she gave it to me.
have you taken anything for your cold?
no, i just blow my nose a lot.
your nose is stopped up?
yes. i have to breathe through my mouth.
have you tried nose drops?
no, i don't like nose drops.
they work great.
i don't care. i don't like to put drops in my nose.
sure.
thank you.
you shouldn't lie in the sun for too long.
i want to get a tan. i don't want to look so pale.
what's wrong with looking pale?
people think you might be sick.
who thinks that?
i don't know.
it's better to be pale than to have skin cancer.
i know that.
so why are you arguing with me? don't lie in the sun too long!
of course you can.
i don't have enough will power.
of course you do.
i wish i had never started.
so does every smoker.
i've tried to quit so many times.
so has everyone else.
nothing seems to work.
all it takes is will power, and you have it.
then why can't i quit?
you have to believe in yourself.
what did you do?
i got out of my car.
that's it?
i injured my back one time just by sneezing.
you should see a doctor.
my doctor said i need surgery.
so?
so, forget it.
you don't have the money?
i have no insurance.
maybe a back rub would help.
three packs of what?
cigarettes, of course.
how can he do that?
when he is almost finished with one cigarette, he uses it to light another.
he's a chain smoker.
he's been a chain smoker for 30 years.
that's unbelievable. can he still breathe?
he can, but the people around him can't.
how can he still be alive?
his doctor says his heart and lungs are strong and healthy.
maybe i should start smoking.
it's such a chore.
brush, brush. spit, spit.
what did they do in the old days?
they brushed with their fingers.
they also ate with their fingers!
why do they call it the good old days?
maybe because they didn't have to brush and floss.
who invented flossing?
a dentist, i'm sure.
i hate flossing more than brushing!
i can't wait till all my teeth fall out.
this trail is hard to climb.
especially on a hot day like this.
i can't believe we haven't seen any animals.
thank goodness! i don't want to see any wild animals.
all we've seen so far is a couple of lizards.
we're hiking to lose weight, not to see goats and bears.
i bet i've lost a couple of pounds already.
all you've lost is some sweat.
i haven't even lost one pound of fat?
if you want to lose fat, you've got to do this hike every day.
okay, but let's hike in town. at least there are cats and dogs to see.
pimples suck.
it seems like i get a new pimple almost every day.
maybe it's something in your diet.
no, i eat the same things day after day.
then maybe it's in your genes.
you might be right.
do pimples run in your family?
not that i've noticed.
well, maybe it's from the pollution in the air.
whatever the cause, i hate seeing them on my face.
well, on the bright side, they're fun to pop.
i don't believe anything i don't see with my own eyes.
you can't believe what you hear on tv or radio.
you can't believe what you read in the newspapers.
everyone tells you a different story about the same thing.
three different people will give you three different stories.
and the government will give you a fourth story.
yes, like the government says not to worry about the swine flu.
but the swine flu just killed 20 people in mexico.
the government says we have nothing to worry about.
then why are some schools telling the kids to stay home?
the government says to wash our hands frequently, and we'll all be okay.
i wasn't picking my nose.
what were you doing?
i was scratching my nose.
i think i know the difference between picking and scratching.
okay, mom, maybe i was picking it a little bit.
use a tissue next time.
i didn't have a tissue.
then wait till you find a tissue.
i couldn't wait. it was an emergency.
oh, really? maybe you should have called 911.
it wasn't that kind of emergency.
yes, it's covered with crud.
i'm going to clean it.
don't use water on it!
i'll use a damp cloth.
don't let water get into any of the cracks.
i'll squeeze the cloth so it's almost dry.
don't rub the numbers off the remote.
i will rub gently but firmly.
do it quickly, please, so i can change channels during commercials.
i'll give it back to you in a couple of minutes.
maybe we should put it in a plastic bag to keep it clean.
what's the matter?
i was on a plane.
so?
so, every time the plane goes up, my ear starts to hurt.
that's no good.
sometimes the pain goes away, and sometimes it doesn't.
have you seen a doctor?
i've been to two doctors.
and they couldn't fix your problem?
they both said i have to live with it.
or you can stay off planes.
did she get a nice job?
she got an "everything" job!
what do you mean?
a team of doctors gave her a whole new face.
why did they do that?
a mad dog bit most of her face off.
oh, that's terrible. what does she look like now?
her face is really fat, but they say the swelling will go down.
and then will she look normal again?
i guess so.
god bless modern medicine.
what's wrong with it?
it aches most of the time.
what do you think it is?
i don't know. i think it's old age.
if it's old age, why don't both of your hands hurt?
that's a good question. maybe it's not old age.
are you right-handed?
yes. all my life.
you're wearing out your right hand. stop using it so much.
but i do all my writing with my right hand.
start typing instead. that way your left hand will do half the work.