TWO BROKE GIRLS
SEASON 1 EPISODE 1
Oleg: Pick up! Tables 12, 4, 11
Max: Got it. Hey, when you get a second, stop looking at my boobs.
Customer 1: Excuse me. Waitress? Dude?
Max: Hi, what can I get ya?
Customer 1: We need some…
Max: Is that annoying? Is that obnoxious and rude?
Max: Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you while you were
working? Oh, you don’t have a job. Sorry.
Customer 2: Damn, dude, she burned you.
Max: Oh. No, hipster. Do not think we’re on the same team. We have nothing in
common. I wear knit hats when it’s cold out, you wear knit hats cause of
Coldplay. You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn’t know he’s my
dad. And finally…you think…This is the sound that gets you service. I think…
This is the sound that dries up my vagina.
Customer 1: The other waitress disappeared, the Russian one. We need
horseradish.
Customer 2: Please.
Max: That, ladies, is how you treat a waitress.
Max: Paulina!
Paulina: Oh…so…so good, oh…
Max: Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you were on break. I just need some
horseradish.
Paulina: Here.
Max: Oh, cool.
Customer 3: Excuse me, where’s my waitress?
Max: She’s coming.
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Max: Earl. Earl! I made your favorite, red velvet.
Earl: My little cupcake brought me a cupcake. Let me pay for that.
Max: Oh, no, it’s on the house. It’s your birthday. How old are you gonna be?
Earl: 75.
Max: Oh, Earl, if you were just 3 years younger.
Earl: Yo, Max, Max. Big news. The new boss fired that Russian waitress,
Paulina. Turns out Chesty Kournikova was Vladimir putting’ it out.
Boss: Hello today. I have paycheck for you.
Max: I need to talk to you. You fired Paulina, Han?
Boss: I am no longer Han Lee. I have new American name to go with changing
neighborhood.
Max: To go with the changing neighborhood. You need to remember this for
your immigration exam.
Boss: Correct. To go with the changing neighborhood.
Max: Bryce? Your name is Bryce Lee? Wait, wait, um, um, um… Don’t hire a
new waitress, okay? I’ve been doing all the work anyway and I really could use
the extra money.
Boss: You need help.
Max: No, I don’t.
Boss: Everyone need help sometimes.
Max: I don’t. I’ve been waiting my whole life, okay? I’ve waited on tables. I’ve
waited in bars. I’ve waited on home pregnancy tests.
Boss: I already hire a new waitress. She work in all top restaurants in
Manhattan. I gave her Pauline’s uniform.
Caroline: Hi, Mr. Lee. Not to complain, but I think someone wore this uniform
before me, like right before me. Is that possible that I could get another one?
Maybe one that’s a little less moist. Also, this mustard color doesn’t go with my
skin tone, neither do the mustard stains…and these various other stains, and
smells. I hope that’s clam chowder. So I think I’d be better for everyone,
including my immune system, if I just keep on wearing what I’m wearing. And
not the apron, cause this is Chanel. So thank you. And let’s waitress.
Max: Whatever that is, it does not belong in this diner. It belongs in a show on
Bravo.
Boss: But she blonde, hair so shiny, good for business.
Max: Where do you even find these people? The Russian hooker, the one before
that was a meth addict.
Boss: You train her, I am boss. Da boss
Max: Oh, fine, but make her wear the uniform. Are you sure we can’t get the
meth addict back? She was really good at cleaning.
Boss: But her teeth fall out
Max: You are really judgmental, you know that.
Max: I’m only gonna say this once, so pay attention.
Caroline: I’m Caroline, by the way. And your’re Max?
Max: Don’t get attached. So, this is the Williamsburg, owned by Han Lee, who
has changed his name to Bryce Lee because I guess he wants people to ….less
seriously. 8 months ago, he bought this from a Russian ..