YOUR

COMPLETE
GUIDE TO
Talking Money
WITH YOUR
PARTNER

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

1 YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO TALKING MONEY WITH YOUR PARTNER BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORIZON FEDERAL CREDIT UNION
TABLE OF CONTENTS

Why You Need to Talk Money With Your Partner................. 3

Opening the Conversation ........................................................... 7

8 Steps to Talking Money with Your Partner........................... 9

Joined in Marriage … With Separate Accounts? ................... 15

All You Need to Know about Prenups ...................................... 18

A Word to Newlyweds: Don’t Let Financial Stress Take the

Cake................................................................................................... 25

How Can I Get My Partner to Let Me Be More Involved in

Our Financial Decisions?............................................................. 31

How to Fight about Money .......................................................... 37

Keeping the Lines of Communication Open .......................... 42

2 YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO TALKING MONEY WITH YOUR PARTNER BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORIZON FEDERAL CREDIT UNION
WHY YOU NEED TO TALK MONEY
WITH YOUR PARTNER

Picture this scenario:

Partner 1: Hi, honey! Look what I got us!

Partner 2: Oh, um, that’s nice.
Partner 1: Nice? Is that all you have to say? Aren’t these new
Marco Blahnik shoes to die for?
Partner 2: More like the murdering of our dream vacation, you
mean.
Partner 1: What was that?
Partner 2: Oh, never mind.

Does this sound familiar to you? It’s more common than you
think. It’s no secret that fnancial challenges are the trigger
behind many divorces in America. And it really comes as no
surprise.

Money is personal. We all have our own ideas of how we think

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about it, spend it, save it and try to earn it. But when you’re
sharing so much of your life with a partner, it’s inevitable that
your individual approaches toward money will sometimes clash.

While one partner seemingly knows where every earned dollar

comes from and goes, the other is a carefree spirit who thrives on
spontaneous decisions and purchases.

Where one loves fne dining and thinks nothing of blowing $200
on fne cuisine, the other is happy with pizza and would rather
spend that money on another pair of shoes.

Where one claims children should never be deprived of clothing,

toys and gadgets that help them ft into the social scene, the other

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believes every child needs to build self-confdence exclusive of
material possessions.

Where one would rather work harder and live with a higher
standard, the other may choose to work less and spend less.

Where one dreams of a month-long jaunt through Europe and

is ready to create a plan to bring their dream to reality, the other

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laughs and says it’ll never happen.

And on it goes.

It can seem like it would take a miracle for two people who are
living together to create a joint approach for handling their
fnances and managing their money.

Is it really that impossible?

Take heart: It can be done! It’s been accomplished before, and you
too can reach that level of understanding, open communication
and complete satisfaction on both sides with a shared approach
toward your fnances.

Let’s get started!

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OPENING THE CONVERSATION

Whether you’re just gotten married or you’ve just gotten really

serious with a partner and you’ve never talked money, broaching
the topic can be super awkward. You don’t want to come out
looking like you’re accusing your partner and you don’t want to
cause any friction, either.

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Before you sit down and have a real serious conversation about
money, introduce the topic. Let your partner know you’re thinking
about the way the two of you handle your money. You can begin
by asking for fnancial advice. Then recommend a personal
fnance book. Finally, when you sit down and talk, keep it as non-
personal as possible.

Instead of: “Why do you use cash for your day-to-day expenses?”

Try: “I notice you use cash for your daily purchases, but this
personal fnance blog I read says using credit cards can help you
track expenses and build your credit. What do you think?”

Your partner will start thinking about money and you’ll soon be
ready for a real serious talk about how the two of you will manage
your fnances together.

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8 STEPS TO TALKING MONEY
WITH YOUR PARTNER

Once you’ve broached the topic of fnances with your partner and
you’re more comfortable discussing things like budgets, spending
habits, and income, you can start preparing for a longer, more
comprehensive talk.

Follow the eight steps outlined here for a smooth, friction-free

money talk.

STEP 1: DEDICATE A TIME

Let your partner know you’d like to talk about money and,
together, choose a time and place that works for both of you.
Make it a time when you both can completely focus on the topic
without distractions. Allow up to an hour for this discussion.

STEP 2: PREPARE YOUR THOUGHTS

There’s no need to rehearse what you want to say, but it is
important to prepare a mental list of topics you’d like to
discuss. Include the basics, like budgeting, saving and sharing

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living expenses. Also consider any specifc issues that may be
bothering you or that you’d like to change.

STEP 3: START WITH A VISION

Don’t jumpstart the discussion with accusatory statements like: “Do
you realize you bought seven pairs of shoes this month?” or even, “I
think we should stop eating out so often.”
Instead, start with a vision or a goal.

Here are a few to get you thinking:

• Would you like to spend a month touring Europe?

• Wouldn’t it be amazing to move out of this apartment and buy
a home of our own?
• I’d love to retire at 55. Wouldn’t you?
• I’ve always wanted to open my own business and be my own
boss. Do you think that’s possible?

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Talking about future goals will set a positive tone for your
conversation before you get into the nitty-gritty details.

STEP 4: ATTACH MONETARY VALUES TO YOUR GOALS

Now that you’ve shared your goals and dreams, start talking
numbers. How much would it really cost to take a month-long
vacation in Europe? How much would we need to save for a
house in our neighborhood?

STEP 5: CREATE A SAVING PLAN

You’ve got your numbers; now work out the plan!

Together with your partner, create a reasonable savings plan

that will help you reach your shared goal. If you’re saving for a
vacation, a house or any other dream, work out how much money

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you’d need to put away each month, and how long it would take to
reach your goal.

STEP 6: BUILD A BUDGET

You’re ready to turn that dream into a reality. But frst, you and
your partner may need to trim some spending. Here’s where you
can gently discuss specifc ways to cut back. Don’t point fngers;
give your partner the chance to admit to their own shortcomings
and be honest about your own vices as well.

Together, work out a monthly budget that accounts for all of your
expenses and your new savings goal. If you want to create a detailed
budget, now’s a good time to get started. You’ll need to begin

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tracking all your expenses for the next three months so you have a
clear idea of your expenditures and income.

You can easily create a budget using a personal fnance app like
Mint, or just do it the old fashioned way, using a pen and a paper.

Having a clear idea of where your money is going will make you a
conscious spender and a bigger saver.

STEP 7: DISCUSS MONEY MANAGEMENT

If you aren’t already sharing some expenses, now’s the time to
bring it up. There are no hard rules here; every couple has their
own system. But, if you’re living together, it makes sense to split
some basic costs, like rent and food supplies. You may want to go
50/50 on this or make another arrangement that better suits your
individual incomes.

However you choose to manage your joint fnances, be sure

to keep at least one credit card open in your own name.
It’s important to establish your own credit history that is
independent of your partner’s. Otherwise, qualifying for later
loans can be challenging due to a limited personal credit history.

STEP 8: RECOGNIZE YOUR PARTNER’S STRENGTH

When dividing fnancial responsibilities, assign appropriate tasks
that play to each partner’s strengths. Is your partner a stickler for
dates and deadlines? Have them assume responsibility for paying
the bills on time.

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Are you a numbers freak? You might want to be in charge of
managing your joint investments.

Is your partner the more thrifty shopper? Let them do the grocery
shopping while you split the costs.

Congrats! You’ve made it through the big money talk without any
major freworks! Now go and make those dreams happen!

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JOINED IN MARRIAGE …
WITH SEPARATE ACCOUNTS?

Now that you’ve opened the line of communication about your

fnances, you’ll want to make some important decisions. One
of the frst money-related decisions you will need to make is
whether to join your bank accounts. You might be getting mixed
messages from friends and family members about whether joint
accounts are the best option or not. With divorce as common
as it is, should you plan for the worst and leave your fnances
separate?

Whether you choose to join your fnances when you tie the knot
or keep them separate is a relatively new dilemma. If you’re both
young and just starting out, joining your fnances will be simple.
If, however, you’ve been in the workforce for a while, have a
previous marriage behind you, or are carrying signifcant debts
(or assets), you may have more reasons for keeping your accounts
separate.

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Either way, it’s a personal question and one that only you
can answer. You may feel there’s more trust and unity when
everything is in one pot. On the other hand, if your views on
money are diferent, or one of you may resent occasional splurges
your other half might make, separate accounts may be a good
idea. It’s worth noting that however you decide to work out your
fnancial accounts, it’s important that each partner builds a
separate credit history in their own name.
When making your decision, keep in mind that it does not need
to be an either-or approach. You may want to have a joint account
to use for paying household expenses into which each of you
deposit an agreed-upon amount, while still keeping your own
individual accounts.

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If you decide to link or join accounts, don’t forget to stop by
your credit union! We’ve got convenient checking and savings
accounts to suit every preference. Just come by and ask how we
can help.
Having separate accounts doesn’t mean you’re hiding money
from each other. You should each have a good idea about how
much your spouse is earning, spending, borrowing and investing.
While studies have found that up to 55% of couples hide money
from each other, doing so can signify deeper issues.
So consider your personal situation and fnancial diferences.
Then, have an open discussion about it. Whatever you decide,
make sure both of you are comfortable with the arrangement.

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ALL YOU NEED TO
KNOW ABOUT PRENUPS

If you’re already engaged or waiting for your signifcant other to

pop the question, it’s a good time to think about prenups. While
most of us wouldn’t want to busy ourselves with the technicalities
of fnancial planning during the blissful engagement period, as
unromantic as it may seem, it’s the responsible thing to do.

In addition to protecting assets in the event of a divorce or death,

prenups can also help maintain marital harmony by clarifying
fnancial topics that can otherwise become a source of confict.
Thinking of signing a prenuptial agreement? Read on for the
most common questions about prenups, answered.

WHAT IS A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT?

A prenuptial agreement, otherwise known as a “prenup” or

“premarital agreement,” is just a fancy term for a written, legal

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agreement signed by two individuals before marriage covering
the fnancial aspects of their union. It aims to protect each
spouse’s individual fnancial assets in case of a death or breakup
and/or to clarify each person’s rights and responsibilities toward
their assets during the marriage itself.

WHY WOULD I BE A CANDIDATE FOR A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT?

Prenups are especially benefcial for individuals entering second

or subsequent marriages, those engaged to someone bringing
excessive debt into the relationship and to individuals who have a
lot of assets. But you don’t have to ft into one of those categories;
you may choose a prenup if you think it’s just a good idea to
clarify some of the fnancial obligations and responsibilities

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of each partner during the marriage, or in case of a death or
breakup.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT?

Here are a few of the reasons people sign prenups:

• Without a prenup, state law dictates the direction of your

assets when there is a death or divorce. Premarital agreements
can help protect your assets from the state’s involvement. If
you have children and grandchildren from a previous marriage,
premarital agreements can protect their inheritance and allow
your property, which might otherwise go to your spouse, to be
passed on to your children.

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• A prenup can protect a personal business, whose shares would
otherwise be divided in the event of a divorce.
• The agreement can protect one spouse from taking on the
debts of another.
• A prenup can limit the amount of alimony or support that one
partner would be obligated to pay another in the event of a
divorce.
• Prenups can also clarify the fnancial rights and
responsibilities of each spouse during the marriage, thereby
avoiding future confict.

ARE THERE ANY DRAWBACKS TO PRENUPS?

Here are some potential disadvantages to be aware of:

• The spouse whose support is limited as a result of the

premarital agreement is naturally at a disadvantage once the
subject of divorce is on the table.
• While under the law you would be entitled to a portion of the
estate of even a deceased spouse, a premarital agreement can
block that.
• One spouse can lose the rights to a share in a business, even if
during the marriage he or she invested time and efort in it and
contributed to its growth.
• Stepping into a marriage with a contract that sets forth the
specifcs of what will happen upon divorce might not be in the
best interest of a healthy relationship.
• It is difcult — and perhaps even unrealistic — to envision exactly
how fnancial issues should be handled in the distant future.
• The idealistic and romantic stage of engagement, in which
death or divorce are far-fung possibilities, may not be

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 conducive to making judgments that are in your best interest.

IF I WANT TO PURSUE A PRENUP, WHAT ARE THE NEXT STEPS?

You may want to follow some of these guidelines:

Though it’s not strictly necessary, it’s advisable to write out a

premarital agreement together with your future spouse. Before
getting started, disclose your assets to each other. Topics that you
may want to cover in the written agreement can include:

• Any future business visions or plans for pursuing a higher

education
• Provisions for the extended family

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• How property and fnances, as well as increases or decreases in
income, will be handled and managed during the marriage
• A plan for dividing or distributing property — such as homes,
a business, liquid property and other assets — in the event of a
divorce or death
• Whether and how much alimony or spousal support will be
awarded
Once the document is written, it should be signed by both
parties. It’s always a good idea to consult with a lawyer before the
fnal document is signed.

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WHAT IS NOT WITHIN THE LEGAL LIMITS OF A PRENUPTIAL
AGREEMENT?

Wording that details illegal behavior or encourages divorce can

invalidate what is written in the document. Child custody rights
and the welfare of children are also beyond the limits of this
agreement. Some states may also prohibit the waiver of alimony or
support. A prenup is a legal document on fnancial matters; avoid
tackling domestic issues such as who will take the kids to school,
who will wash the dishes after dinner and who will feed the cat.

I THINK I GET IT. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD DO TO ENSURE

THE PRENUP WILL STAND UP IN COURT?

To ensure the prenup is legally binding, it should:

• Identify the two parties by their full, legal names.

• Assert they are both entering into the agreement of their own accord.
• State that the parties, though not currently married, intend to marry.
• Record the day the document will go into efect.
• The document must contain truthful information and have
reasonable stipulations.

That’s it, you’re just about done! A premarital agreement need

not destroy your pre-marital bliss. In fact, securing your fnancial
future can help clarify marital-related fnancial issues that might
otherwise become thorny.

Wishing you a secure fnancial future and congratulations on

your engagement!

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A WORD TO NEWLYWEDS:
DON’T LET FINANCIAL STRESS
TAKE THE CAKE

There are so many things to think about when you’re just

married, or about to be, and no one would rate fnances as
the most exciting of them. In fact, studies show that money
(not relatives) is the number one reason couples argue. Those
fnancial arguments (again, not relatives) are one of the top
predictors of divorce.

So, how can you avoid becoming a statistic? Here are some tips.

TALK TO EACH OTHER

A poll by the National Foundation for Credit Counseling found

that 68% of engaged couples held a negative attitude about
discussing money. In fact, 45% considered it “necessary but
awkward,” while 7% said it was “likely to lead to a fght.” Five percent
said they thought it would cause them to call of the wedding.

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 The result? Couples
just don’t talk about
fnances. A Fidelity
survey said more
than one-third don’t
even know their
partner’s salary.
The irony is that
72% of those same
couples said they
communicate “very
well” about fnancial
matters.

It’s not surprising,

when you think
about it. What’s
romantic or sexy
about debt, budgets,
taxes, wills and the
like? But, while there isn’t a plan to keep every newly married
couple happy, experts agree: Don’t wait to talk about money.

Taxes, for example, are boring (and scary), but they may be
important right now. If you and your spouse are employed,
the “marriage penalty” may force you to pay more taxes when
married than while you were single. So, think about marrying in
January rather than December. But if one spouse earns most of
the money, you’ll enjoy a “marriage bonus” and pay less than two
singles; a December wedding might be wise in that scenario.

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Speaking about money now is defnitely important, but so is how
you go about it. A 2018 study by LexingtonLaw found that 40% of
couples talk about money at least weekly. So what’s the problem?
“Most of us don’t know how to talk about money,” says Mary
Claire Allvine, a certifed fnancial planner. “People tend to be
emotional and reactive, not strategic.”

Whether you talk about money weekly, monthly or on some

other schedule, what
matters is that you
agree on a system and
stay open to changing
it.

Broaching the money

topic can be difcult,
so start slowly, with
questions like “What’s
your frst money
memory?” or “How
did you spend your
allowance?”

Then move on to
some of these:

• “ARE YOU A
SPENDER OR A SAVER?”
– If one of you is a
saver and the other
a spender, create a

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 budget that considers both styles. Studies show that men and
women spend diferently. While there are many variations,
women often take care of daily expenses (groceries, utilities,
clothes) while men might make larger purchases, such as TVs,
cars or computers. The amounts might be the same, but the
perceptions are very diferent. About 36% of partners don’t
talk to each other about big purchases, and that’s a recipe for
disaster.

• “ARE YOU IN DEBT?” – A TD Ameritrade survey found that

38% of couples were “only somewhat” or “not at all” aware of
their partner’s debts. When you get married, your spouse’s
debt doesn’t automatically become yours, but what he or she
owes will afect both your choices. For instance, heavy credit
card debt could make it more difcult to buy a home. Make
reducing debt a priority.

• “WHAT ARE YOUR FINANCIAL GOALS?” or “WHERE DO YOU WANT

TO BE FIVE OR 20 YEARS FROM NOW?” – People who identify
specifc goals make faster progress toward savings and
investing targets. But frst, you need to agree on what those
targets are: buying a home, starting a family, being debt-free?
List your individual goals, then share them with each other and
make a joint plan.

Know what’s important to each of you. What do you value more:

things you can keep or experiences to remember? Maybe one
of you wants to buy a house while the other thinks saving for
retirement is essential.

Get these things out in the open early.

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TRUST EACH OTHER

A Money survey revealed that individuals who trust their

partner with fnances feel more secure, argue less and have more
fulflling sex lives. That level of trust, though, isn’t common
among newlyweds. “We’re intimate with our partners in so many
ways before marriage, and yet money remains of the table,” says
Paula Levy, a marriage and family therapist.

Be honest. If you made a purchase you shouldn’t have, own up

to it. Some 40% of men and women confess they’ve lied to their
spouse about the price of something they bought, and lying
about money can have huge repercussions.

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Support each other. Retreating doesn’t help, and neither does
fnger-pointing. Work together to come up with a game plan.

REMEMBER: YOU ARE STILL INDIVIDUALS

Celebrate the diferences. If your partner is a bargain-hunter,

put him in charge of the spending while you invest the savings.
And decide on a monthly amount each of you can spend with no
questions asked by the other. The average amount couples say
this should be, according to Money, is $150.

There are pros and cons to opening a joint bank account.

SmartMoney found that 64% of couples put all of their money into
joint accounts, while 14% kept everything in separate accounts.
For many newlyweds, the ideal choice may be both: yours,
mine and our accounts. Once you’ve determined shared living
expenses, both of you can contribute your portion of those costs
to the joint account based on your share of household income.

ASK FOR HELP

If you and your spouse fnd money conversations tough, you might
want to bring in a fnancial planner or other professional. Your credit
union can help – that’s why we’re here. Take steps now to ensure that
money won’t put rocks on your path to wedded bliss.

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HOW CAN I GET MY PARTNER TO
LET ME BE MORE INVOLVED IN
OUR FINANCIAL DECISIONS?

If you’ve been married or living together a while and your

partner has always handled all major fnancial decisions, it can
be difcult to break out of this habit. While this might work for
some couples, usually, at some point, the uninvolved partner
begins to regret the arrangement. They may be wary of what can
happen if their partner becomes unable to handle their fnances
for whatever reason, or maybe they’d simply like more autonomy
over their shared fnances.

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. A study by Fidelity

Investments showed many people want to be more involved with
their fnances. Among women, 92% wanted to learn more about
their fnances, while 86% wanted to take a more active role in
managing them. It’s very easy to get caught in a routine with bill
paying, checking and spending. The person who was doing so
when you started cohabiting just continues to do so exactly the
same way he always has.

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What’s more, those conversations are really difcult to initiate.
Even with close friends, 56% of survey respondents say fnances
are “too personal” to discuss. Of those survey respondents,
43% were willing to talk about their health issues, but only 17%
would talk about investments. About half of respondents would
willingly talk about the strange things their bodies are doing,
but talking about where they save their money is considered “too
personal.”

Intimate partner relationships aren’t a safer space for

conversations about money, either. Only 66% of respondents talk
about investments or salary with their spouses or partners. In
one out of every three relationships, fnances are not a common
topic of conversation between people who likely share a checking
account!

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If you’d like to change that dynamic in your relationship, there
are approaches you might consider. No matter what you do,
make sure you’re addressing this sensitive topic from a place of
love. Fights over money occur when one partner feels put on the
defensive about budgeting or spending.

Take care, and try these three techniques!

1. TALK ABOUT A COMMON GOAL: If you and your partner have

been trying to plan a summer getaway, save for a new car
or put a down payment on a house, this can be an excellent
place to start a conversation. It’s best to begin on broad
notes. Ask about hotel choices or means of transportation.
From there, it can be easy to talk about making a budget
for the occasion. Once you and your partner are talking
about dollar amounts, it can spill over into a more general
conversation about fnance.

If you ask about saving for this project, it’s important to have
suggestions or ideas. Come to the conversation prepared
to make a small sacrifce to contribute to saving for the
project or have some cost-saving strategy to make the
process easier. This encourages a feeling of joint struggle
as opposed to you “checking up on” or “managing” your
partner.

2. SET GUIDELINES FOR SPENDING: Spending is the biggest cause

of fghts between couples. In general, people tend to see
their decisions as rational and the choices they disagree with
as irrational or impulsive. In relationships, it’s tempting and
gratifying to think of yourself as the sensible one and your

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 partner as the reckless one.

Your partner likely feels the same way. For instance, you
may enjoy a daily cofee while your partner might consider
that to be frivolous spending because he doesn’t know the
joy and satisfaction you derive from that little indulgence.
Conversely, your partner’s enthusiasm for home electronics
might make you see a top-of-the-line stereo system as an
extravagance, while your partner sees it as a way for the two
of you to spend more time together at home.

The best way to avoid resentment, while keeping your

spending under control, is to set personal allowances for
you and your partner. You can spend so much each week or
month without consulting your partner. Major purchases

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 that go over that limit require consultation. Try to avoid
bringing up recent or specifc purchases, and focus on
planning for the future rather than placing blame for the
past. This will keep the conversation from feeling accusatory.

3. DREAM ABOUT THE FUTURE: Retirement planning is a difcult

subject to broach. Many people don’t want to do it on their
own because the prospect of saving that much money is
frightening. Add in the stress of talking about money in a
relationship, and this can be a conversation flled with dread.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Many couples fnd retirement

to be a time of great relationship strength and bonding. If
you and your partner didn’t have to work, you could spend a
lot more time together, enjoying your mutual interests and
each other’s company. Instead of beginning a retirement
planning conversation with a dollar amount, begin it with a
dream.

Maybe you’d like to travel the world together and see exotic
sights. Maybe you want to build furniture out of your home.
Maybe you want to become active in the leadership of your
church. Beginning with such dreams in mind, as opposed
to how much they’re going to cost, can help you and your
partner better share the stress involved in saving and
planning.

However you broach the conversation about money, it’s

important that you do so. Secrets about fnances in a relationship
can lead to stress, interfere with honest communication and
produce relationship-ending fghts. On the other hand, couples

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who talk openly and honestly about their fnancial situation can
use that transparency to build stronger, more straightforward
communication strategies about other topics.

As many people have found, the couple who saves together, stays
together!

36 YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO TALKING MONEY WITH YOUR PARTNER BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORIZON FEDERAL CREDIT UNION
HOW TO FIGHT ABOUT MONEY

OK, so no one actually opens a civil conversation and plans for it

to lead to an argument. But, how many times does that happen?
It’s especially likely when you’re talking about money.

You already know that more than half of marriages end in

divorce, and the most frequent cause of divorce is disagreement
over fnances. Having productive disagreements is a skill, much
like riding a bike. You need to learn how to do it and practice to
improve. One of the problems is that a lot of us are taught not to
“fght” as kids, rather than how to disagree properly and settle our
diferences. This is another of life’s struggles that you and your
partner can overcome together and be stronger for having done
so.

People have complicated relationships when it comes to their

fnances. These relationships are more difcult because of rules
of social politeness, which insist that it’s not OK to talk about it.

37 YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO TALKING MONEY WITH YOUR PARTNER BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORIZON FEDERAL CREDIT UNION
A lot of us heard while growing up that it’s not “polite” to talk
about money. That may be true when it comes to a cocktail party,
but not in a relationship. Couples who are not used to the subject
charge into talking about their fnances, and they make mistakes
in predictable ways.

There are three big mistakes people usually make when talking
about money in their relationships; Assuming a right-wrong
mindset, focusing on diferences and losing focus.

Another mistake is losing sight of the diference between an

argument and a fght. In an argument, both sides present their
cases, discuss issues logically and then come to a conclusion. In
a fght, words become heated, tempers fare and things quickly
get personal. Arguments are a fne and healthy part of any

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relationship, but fghts are destructive and should be avoided.

When you assume you’re right and your partner is wrong,

the conversation becomes all about placing blame. You make
accusations that your partner has done something wrong. Your
partner gets defensive about his or her choices as a means
to avoid losing face. You both get angry because you start to
place priority on winning the argument rather than solving the
problem.

Instead of trying to place blame, work on solving collective

problems. To do that, acknowledge that no matter who started it,
you’re in it together. Shift your energies (and the conversation)
away from who caused your money problems. Move toward
talking about how you can build a more secure fnancial future.

39 YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO TALKING MONEY WITH YOUR PARTNER BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORIZON FEDERAL CREDIT UNION
People have diferent fnancial priorities. You might focus on
saving and devote a lot of energy to making and sticking to a
budget. Your partner, though, might be a bit looser with money
and might spend more freely. When your conversations focus
on these diferences, one or both of you will tend to make unfair
comparisons. You may see the vacation fund as a long-term
savings goal, similar to saving for home improvements. Your
partner may see saving for a vacation as a luxury that takes away
from day-to-day needs. Instead of focusing on your fnancial
diferences, focus on the goals you have in common. Spend more
time talking about those goals that you share rather than on your
areas of diference.

It’s also hard to keep focus when discussing your fnances. Most
often, when couples are fghting about money, it’s not really about
money. Talking about money is stressful, and stress makes fghts
more likely and more intense.

What makes it a fght is a failure to communicate efectively.

When you’re discussing your fnances, it’s tempting to slip into
“fght mode,” where your goal is getting the win. When you’re in
this frame of mind, you tend to use a lot of strategies that aren’t
great for problem-solving. You might bring up other issues, such
as work-sharing. You might also shut down and refuse to listen.
Remember, though, that it’s the topic that’s making you stressed.
The faster you and your partner can work together to solve your
fnancial problems, the better.

Now that you know the pitfalls to avoid, it’s time to take some
positive steps to make fnancial conversations more productive in
the future.

40 YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO TALKING MONEY WITH YOUR PARTNER BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORIZON FEDERAL CREDIT UNION
• SIT DOWN AND MAKE A LIST OF YOUR FINANCIAL GOALS. Think as
long- or as short-term as you like. Do you want to retire early?
Start a small business? Pay for college for your children? Get
out of debt? Focus only on the things you agree on. Once you
have agreed on a set of goals, write them down.

• DEVELOP A REALISTIC BUDGET. It’s tempting to put the harshest

spending cuts you can imagine in place, but it’s not a good
idea … and can lead you right back into blaming and fghting.
Coming up with a plan that you can both agree on is the
easiest way to avoid these problems.

• BE OPEN ABOUT EACH OTHER’S HABITS. We tend to use a

rule called “special begging” to treat our luxuries as more
important than our partner’s. If you never see the benefts of
your partner’s morning cofee, it’s easy to see that as a place to
cut spending. Your partner thinks of it as a necessity and might
not see the need for your collectibles. Remember to value each
other’s happiness equally.

• CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORIES. Set aside a small fund to cover

shortages in the budget. If, at the end of the month, there’s still
money in that fund, use it to pay for a date night or something
you both want. Take some time to enjoy your fnancial
discipline and spend some quality time together.

One of the most basic rules for managing the family fnances is
keeping an open line of communication between husband and
wife.

41 YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO TALKING MONEY WITH YOUR PARTNER BROUGHT TO YOU BY HORIZON FEDERAL CREDIT UNION
KEEPING THE LINES OF
COMMUNICATION OPEN

Sharing your fnances with your partner means sharing your

goals. It means opening your mind to accept another’s view. But
mostly, it means communicating.

There can be no secrets among partners when it comes to money,

or the results can be catastrophic. This doesn’t mean you need
to text your partner before every caramel macchiato you treat
yourself to or that you need to ask your partner’s permission
before you step into a shoe store.

Here’s what it does mean:

• It’s crucial for both partners to be fully aware of their fnances.

• Both partners should be involved in major fnancial decisions.
• Financial information should never be concealed from a
partner.
• Each partner should have a certain measure of autonomy for
spending habits and decisions. Discretionary spending need

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 not be detailed to a partner as long as it is within the couple’s
budget.

Now that you’ve learned how to communicate with your partner

about all things money, you’ll need to be sure to maintain that
level of honesty and collaboration.

Together with your partner, set aside 20 minutes a week for

money talk. Choose a time when both partners will be fully
present and alert. Use that time to talk about the past week’s
spending, make plans for the coming week, discuss major
purchases either of you wants to make and talk about long-term
goals and dreams.

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To make things simpler, you can set a monthly schedule for
money-related issues that don’t need to be discussed each week.
For example, during your frst meeting of the month, you can talk
about your savings; the next week, you can review your monthly
budget, etc. Anything goes, as long as it works for both of you.

Remember not to bring emotion to your talks and to keep them

as factual as possible.

With open, honest communication and the willingness to work

together, you and your partner can rise above discouraging
statistics and share a wonderful life together that is free of
money-related tension. And you might even get to leave on that
month-long jaunt to Europe sooner than you thought.

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