Everytime- Part one
Everytime I look myself at the mirror, I don’t like what I see
Everytime I contact with beautiful people;
In my mind, handsome is what I wish to be
Everytime I´m alone… and on my own
It breaks my heart to know…
That no one cares about me
Not just the girls, but everybody (I´m sorry)
And I wonder why I have this ugliness in my body
Everytime I explode, they ask me why i did it
And I cry and beg them to leave me… alone
I feel like a king that has lost forever it´s crown
Everytime I look to my physical
and psychological image
I discover that I´m nothing but a strange savage
Everytime I go to sleep
I realize I don´t have nobody to hug and stay with me
That are so many things I want to say that I can´t
Could I lent?
A lot of people have let me down; they are all against me!!
Everytime I remember it, I think: Those schmucks have succeed
Part two
Everytime I see hot, gorgeous girls… they look so fine
I wonder when will I touch them for the very first time
It hurts real bad, it is so sad, I stuck and I fight
I just want a peace of pleasure bread and carry the hope
Of seeing a shinning light
That can provide me power;
To resist the great adversities hour after hour
Everytime I walk somewhere, I feel the
High intense pressure
And pray to the Lord to protect me there
With His mighty sword with sweet care
Everytime I see cats rollin`in packs (2pac)
I see the brotherhood there set;
I don´t know how should I react
But I do know what I want: love
Because being all by myself… sucks!(But I´m used to it, I don’t want nobody to nag
me)
Everytime I wake up… I don’t know who and how to trust. Its weard isn’t it?
Its hard to live my life
To live a shocking lie
To live with the sadness of the present…
Of what happened…
With the uncertain of the future
And the regret of the past
I know I am a loser with no respect
Everytime I hear them saying:
Milton, the ugly fat.
Everytime I`m rejected
I die… in my mind… because of
The unexistent desired ( and fearful) friendship
They don´t understand or see
The painful fate that was given to me
They don´t want to listen, they don´t want the key
To open my heart… it is necessary for me
To ask please… take the key?
What I have to do to show?
For you to see my cold soul…?
What you want me to do? To hide?
Everytime I think about this, I ask…
Why?
Part three
Everytime I look to the sky I see…
The permanent shyness … on me;
Maybe I´m envious, maybe I don´t have the sense of community, maybe i don´t
Have a lot but less when I hear: The difference between genious
And insanity is only measured by success.
Is it right, or wrong?
I might or no?
It is so confuse,
It´s so hard to give examples… just naming a few…
And do things the right way
What a torture to my unamused mind and brain
Everytime I pass trough dark difficulties
I´m about to lose the faith
But then I remember the church
And I´m back to the game
Everytime I think I can overcome the pain
Others show me defeat and moral humiliation again
When there is something that I owe, it reminds me
Liverpool and the You´ll never walk alone
My power is low
What can I and them do?
Everytime I`m down and perhaps losing
The trust of the upstairs crew.
Everytime I sit on my bed
I go back… on the timeline
When I was a kid and spent the days admiring the sky
How I miss those unforgettable and beautiful times
No worries, no shyness (virtually)
No hurry, no sadness… holy!
Just laughing… and having fun
Just talking… ( a chatterbox) and enjoying the sun
With my beloved elementary school colleagues
Writing, drawing and painting with the plastic kit
I miss… I miss those and a lot of things… and persons
The list is so big that will not fit on this poem
Everytime I remember the past I´m in heaven…
Then I cry when I open my eyes because I realize, that I’m trapped
In this present living hell, forever.
Everytime I look to my sense of pleasure
and personnel satisfaction…
One part of my being believes:
to hide the feelings is better and also keep the virgin
perfection;
But the other part says: this physical
Anxiety and frustration… hurts my chest
Drives me crazy
Makes me a pervert with no shame
I ask myself, what should I do?
To fake? To force?
I don´t know where this will take me
Its like a hole on which I will fall maybe or (of course)
Everytime I observe this I say: my
Emocional death is near for sure
I´m begging for attention, love and caresses
Given by girls with comprehension and caring “business”
Or women
Any female figure or not; so I can care a lot
I’ve been trapped and caught
Everytime I think about this I embrace my social suicidal thoughts;
And the sadness, the pain… don´t matter how hard I have fought
These sensations hurt me like a rock against my head (in the central spot).
How hard can this get? How?
I observe my destiny and take a disgraced bow.
Part four
I`m ignored by everybody,
See the loneliness and the soul destruction coming
Everytime this happens I can just say… sorry…But…
Why nobody gives me a hand? Why nobody understands?
I didn´t choose to be ugly, I didn’t choose to be black,
I didn’t choose to be stupid or the worst in sports in the class
I’m not what I am because I want to
Everytime I tell this story others believe it’s not true.
There is something missing on my soul that I can’t make
I consider myself as being nature’s biggest mistake
In all aspects I am BAD
I know it’s very unkind
All that I said in this poem… you may think it´s a lie
But it happens to me… Everytime.
Milton Rocha