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Module 5
Lecture Notes

Here are some of the important concepts that we’ve covered in

Unclear about
Module 4.
something? Discuss
with your fellow peers Transformation – when there is a change in the relationship
in the discussion
• E.g. work colleagues to friends, married couple to separated, strangers to teacher-
board! student dyad etc.
• Virtually all relationships undergo some form of transformation overtime

Termination
• Termination can be seen as a type of transformation (e.g. when you divorce, the
relationship will continue but in a different form; even when a loved one dies, one can
argue that there still exists a spiritual connection.

Culture, History and Technology

• Relationship transformations can be culturally or historically dependent.
o Example: in some East Asian societies, it is not uncommon for a student-teacher
relationship to transform into a life-long friendship, whereas in North America or
Europe, the relationship is more likely to terminate after the student leaves that
teacher’s class
o Example: obtaining a marriage license or divorce may be made more challenging for
certain people (e.g. based on their gender, sexual orientation) depending on the culture
and period in history

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Six Domains of Transformation

Below is a quick overview of the six domains of transformation. These realms are all
interconnected and can have a significant impact on one another

(1) Environment:
o Physical location, area, or setting (e.g. house, city)
§ Social scripts help to govern our environment based on our relationship status.
§ E.g. after breaking up, you no longer need to go to your ex-partner’s parents’
home for the holidays and you may choose to move out of your shared
apartment.
(2) Cognition:
o Our thoughts and beliefs can also influence a relationship transformation
§ E.g. “she wasn’t right for me”; “I can’t live without him”

(3) Motivation, Needs and (4) Emotion:

o “Will this transition or change better meet my needs?”
§ E.g. of needs: security, identity, sense of worth
§ Strongly connected to emotions

(5) Body and (6) Behaviour:

o Our bodies will physically reflect the transformation that has taken place through our
voluntary and involuntary behaviours and feelings
§ E.g. after a break up, you and your ex-partner may no longer be physically
intimate. If you see each other on the street, you may stand farther apart from
each other, look more rigid, feel more tense or uncomfortable. You may even
experience feelings of sickness, or changes in sleep patterns.
§ E.g. some people may make changes to their body such as tattoos or weight
loss/gain

Mutual Needs
o A key concept in the SSLD perspective
o Ideally, a relationship is undergoing change in order to best meet each others’ needs
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Separation-Individuation
Proposed by Margaret Mahler (1897-1985), refers to a process beginning in infancy/early
childhood wherein the individual begins to differentiate between herself and her caregiver as
she forms her own sense of identity and individuality.
§ Associated with Attachment Theory

SSLD utilizes this concept in a broader sense to understand transformation:

o Belief that some people do not experience separation-individual in childhood – may

take place much later in life depending on the person and their N3C
o Can be looked at from the caregiver’s perspective. E.g. Some parents’ sense of
identity and purpose may be strongly connected to their child, and therefore the parent
may have trouble “letting go” and allowing both the child and the parent to form new,
individual identities
o Why separation-individuation can be difficult or delayed?
§ One feels that most of their needs are being primarily or exclusively met within
the context of the one relationship. Those who have other sources of need
gratification are less likely to experience challenges around relationship
transformation or separation individuation
o How can we help those experiencing challenges with separation individuation?
§ Empower the person. Perhaps by working to develop a larger set of skills,
feelings of self-efficacy, or find other ways that some of his needs can be met
outside of the relationship

Separation-Individuation in the Context of Intimate Relationships

o Our challenges with separation-individuation are at least partially influenced by
prominent social scripts which dictate that couples have a high degree of reliance on
one another (i.e. that one person should help you meet as many needs as possible)
o In extreme instances, results in abusive relationships, where the dominant partner
restricts the actions of the less powerful partner (e.g. won’t let partner spend time with
family/friends or pursue a career. Leads to less needs being met and increased reliance
on dominant partner). Likewise, where one partner feels dependent on her partner to
meet many needs, she may react aggressively or in an abusive way due to the fear of
losing that person.

When a relationship transforms, how can we address our needs?

Build the capacity to negotiate these changes that are taking place
How? Ideally through open and direct communication
• E.g. “this is how I’m feeling”, “this is what I need”, “I want to help respect and meet your
needs too”, “how can we work together to mutually meet our new needs?”

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Aging
• As we grow older, our relationship with the people, objects, and institutions around us are
destined to transform
• Likewise, our needs will change – sometimes due to societal norms and expectations imposed
upon us (often ageist discourse)
o E.g. beliefs around taking risks, intimacy needs, ability to learn and develop
• Relationships with People
- Not only do many relationships transform as we age, we also develop new
relationships
- Equipping aging adults with the tools and/or support to feel comfortable
navigating these new and transformed relationships can be important in the
fostering of healthy and positive attitudes amongst older adults
• Relationships with Objects
• - E.g. go from driving own vehicle to relying on public transit or taxis
• Relationship with Bodies
- Managing changes or limitations in our bodies
- E.g. not as strong or flexible as I once was; getting tired sooner

Tips for Coping with Transformation and

Termination
• (As stated before) Try to identify your newly unmet needs and find innovative ways to
address them
• Self-acceptance: Don’t be too hard on yourself! It is common to experience very strong
feelings during this time. Your physical and emotional response is generally natural, and it’s
ok to feel what you’re feeling
o Journaling or documenting: helps to give you a sense of control over your life at a
time where you may otherwise feel out of control
o Recognition of emotions: simply identifying the emotions that you’re feeling can be
helpful when you’re in a difficult state
• Manage Risky Behaviours: Some individuals engage in “dangerous” behaviours such as
excessive drinking or eating, substance use, self-harm (e.g. cutting), fighting, or speeding in
one’s car, for example
o The SSLD approach views these behaviours as a way in which we are trying to meet
our unmet needs
o In order to increase our own and others’ health and safety, consider other drastic actions
that can serve a similar function without the same level of risk (e.g. take up boxing
lessons, go on a shopping spree)
• Build up your supports:
o Talk to someone who makes you feel good. This could be a family member, friend,
spiritual leader, bar tender, hairdresser, etc.
• For those who are overwhelmed by their emotions and having extreme difficulty
functioning or utilizing the above strategies, they may wish to seek professional help

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o Counselor, therapist, psychologist, social worker, doctor, psychiatrist, spiritual leader. Can
be in person, or even online or via phone
o If you have someone that you care about experiencing these challenges, you may wish to
offer support and motivation by providing resources, making calls, or accompanying the
person to appointments

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