What is Assertiveness and Why is it Important?
Assertiveness is a social skill that heavily relies on effective communication.
Assertive people communicate their wants, needs, positions, and boundaries to
others clearly and respectfully. This protects them from bullies and other social
predators.
Vocabulary
• Predator – An animal that eats other animals, exploiter, user, destroyer
Exercise 1
• How would you define assertiveness?
• Do you consider yourself to be an assertive person? Explain.
What is Assertive Behaviour?
Individuals who are highly assertive don't shy away from defending their points of
view or goals, or from trying to influence others to see their point of view. They are
open to compliments and constructive criticism. They don’t make unreasonable
demands of other people or lash out if requests are not met.
From a cognitive perspective, assertive people experience less anxiety, even when
under stress. In terms of a behaviour viewpoint assertive people are firm without
being rude. They react to positive and negative emotions without becoming
aggressive or resorting to passivity.
We can all improve our assertiveness through practical exercises and experience.
Vocabulary
• Compliment – Praise, flatter, recognise the good in someone else
• Constructive criticism – The process of offering valid and well-reasoned
opinions
• Cognitive – Conscious, intellectual activity
• Behaviour – The systematic approach to understanding human behaviour
• Aggressive – Likely to attach or confront, hostile
• Passive –Accepting without active response or resistance.
Exercise
Antonyms are words meaning the opposite to each other, for example, good and
bad. Choose from the words in the text box below and provide antonyms for the
following five words.
• Passive
• Dishonest
• Hopeless
• Rude
• Insecure
Honest, aggressive, polite, secure, hopeful.
How can you identify assertive people?
People who are assertive are generally:
• Are less anxious and depressed.
• Have a greater sense of purpose
• Build better relationships
• Have higher self-esteem and self-confidence.
• Don’t fall victim to bullies and other social predators.
Exercise 2
Were you taught assertiveness while growing up? Explain.
What are the Dangers of not Being Assertive?
People who are unable to assert themselves may suffer as a result of being:
• Over-sensitive to criticism
• Extremely passivity
• Insecure
• Anxious
• Unable to build self-esteem
• Treated like emotional doormats, whose needs not considered.
• Unable to identify what they want in life.
Exercise
How would you explain the results of not being assertive?
How to Be Assertive
Being assertive means speaking up for your rights without being disrespectful. It
involves managing stress, solving problems as they arise, and staying calm no
matter how other people react.
Exercise
• Which of your behaviours show you are an assertive person?
What are assertive behaviours?
Assertive people are able to be honest about their thoughts and feelings in
a respectful way. They are active listeners and are considerate of other
people’s perspectives. Assertive people are able to maintain control over
their feelings and admit when they’ve made a mistake.
Exercise 3
• Do you think assertive people deal positively with others? Explain.
How can I be more assertive?
Clearly state what you want or need from another person. Listen carefully to their
response. Respect their thoughts and feelings and don’t argue or attack if you sense
resistance. Instead, offer potential solutions to the problems that come up. If you
reach a stalemate where there’s no possible compromise, be prepared to walk away.
How to be Assertive
Assertive behaviour shows emotional intelligence and is a skill that can be learnt.
Here are some tips and scenarios for you to practice your assertiveness skills. Read
the scenario and describe how you would react. Model answers are provided at the
end of this worksheet for you to consider.
1. Caring for your needs
Assertive people care and value themselves and understand that they are worthy
and deserving.
Scenario 1
Your mother asks you to come over to her house right away to help her with
renovations. You had planned to spend the evening relaxing, taking a soothing bath,
and just lounging around because you’ve had a rough week at work. How do you
react?
2. Offering to help come up with a solution
Assertive people use “I” statements instead of hurling blame or insults at the other
person. Offering to help come up with a solution lets the other person know that you
care.
Scenario 2
You planned to meet up with your spouse (best friend) after work and have a nice
meal at a restaurant. You get there, but your spouse (best friend) and keeps you
waiting for 20-30 minutes. How would you handle the situation?
3. Stating the problem
Assertive people state what the problem is instead of assuming that others know
what they think, feel, or need.
Scenario 3
Every day when you come home from work, your spouse and children ignore you.
No one acknowledges you or asks you how your day was. How would you respond?
4. Not taking responsibility for other people’s reactions
Sometimes we don’t express ourselves because we’re afraid of how the other
person will react. We fear their anger or being disliked. Assertive people understand
that they are not responsible for how others choose to react. A well-balanced person
will understand that we all have needs and desires and should be allowed to express
them freely.
Scenario 4
Your teenage son is known to get angry every time you try to tell him to clean up his
room or help out around the house. How would you deal with the situation?
5. State the facts
By stating the facts and expressing your feelings you will avoid other people
becoming defensive. Offering to help solve the problem expresses your concerns.
Scenario 5
Your child’s school is short of money and wants a fund-raiser to help bring in cash.
They ask you to co-ordinate the fund-raiser but you work full-time, gym twice a week
and have two children and parents who need your help. How would you handle this
situation?
6. It is acceptable to say no
Assertive people understand that it is acceptable to say no to something you don’t
want to do. Explaining why you’re declining may be helpful, but it’s not necessary.
Acquiescing doesn’t do anybody any good.
Vocabulary
Acquiescing – Accept something reluctantly but without protesting.
Scenario 6
Your boss wants you to do your co-worker’s report because she has fallen behind
schedule, and he knows you work efficiently. This has happened frequently. How
would you handle this problem?
7. State your core beliefs
Using a “policy statement” is a good way to express your core beliefs and delineate
what you will and won’t do.
Scenario 7
Your brother-in-law asks to borrow $500 and you doubt he will ever pay you back as
he has a history of defaulting on his financial obligations. How would you address
this problem with him?
8. Acknowledge the strong emotions of others but also express your
own
Assertive people don’t get caught up in anger or strong emotions. They acknowledge
the other person’s thoughts and feelings, but then honestly express their own as
well.
Scenario 8
Your spouse yells and complains that you’re not devoting enough time and attention
to the household. Then launches into a long list of perceived character flaws. How
would you handle the situation?
People become more assertive and better at handling tough situations the more they
practice. No one responds assertively 100% of the time. When we get angry, we
might slip into an aggressive mode. When we find ourselves in a situation where we
face authoritative people, we might slip into passive mode. Your goal should be to
practice your assertiveness skills and bring them increasingly into your work and
home relationships. The most important part of being assertive is taking the time to
notice how you feel and realize that you have the right to be true to yourself and
express your thoughts and desires honestly.
Model Answers
Scenario 1
I understand you need help, and I would like to help you. Today, I need to take care of
myself because I’m very run-down. I can better help you tomorrow. Would that work for
you?
Scenario 2
Did something happen unexpectedly that made you late? I feel hurt when I have to wait
time and time again because you are often late. It makes me feel anxious and as if I’m not a
priority. Is there something I can do to help you fix this problem?”
Scenario 3
I feel sad when I come home and no one seems happy to see me or asks how my day
was. I feel lonely and unappreciated.
Scenario 4
I feel overburdened when you don’t pitch in and help keep the house clean and tidy. I
understand that you don’t like having me remind you to clean your room, but it’s a task that
needs to be done, and everyone needs to do their part.”
Scenario 5
This is not a priority for me. I will help out on the next fundraiser if I have time.
Scenario 6
This is the fourth time this month that I’ve been given extra work because Suzie has fallen
behind. I want to be a team player, but I feel stressed when I’m overburdened. What can we
do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?
Scenario 7
My policy is to never lend money to friends or family members.
Scenario 8
I hear you are angry. I understand you saying that you think I should spend more time doing
___. However, I disagree with you, and here’s why.
Research
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