Stop Abandonment and Rejection in a

Relationship

THAIS GIBSON
 2

Exercise 1: Personal BTEA Equation

Purpose: To make conscious what our own personal (B)eliefs (T)houghts

(E)motions (A)ctions are when triggered. By uncovering these we can than work to
reprogram any limiting beliefs and behaviors.

Discovery: In the chart on the following page, write out your BTEA patterns that you
tend to follow when triggered. What are your negative emotional patterns? Note
that you can refer to list in the Additional Materials section.

What are the thought patterns that accompany these emotional patterns? What
core beliefs are they related to (refer to the Additional Materials for a list of Negative
Core Beliefs)? What coping mechanisms do you turn to when you’re triggered? (ex.
Binge eating)

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 3

Examples of Beliefs Thoughts Emotions Actions

Triggering (Ex. I am alone) (Nobody cares (Sadness, (Behaviors to
Events: about me) Hurt, Fear) Cope)

Integration: By making these areas conscious in the BTEA equation we will now
be able to work towards reprogramming and repatterning these limitations in the
next few exercises.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 4

Exercise 2: Belief Re-Programming Rituals with Autosuggestion

Purpose: Autosuggestion reprograms the subconscious in the quickest and most

impactful way. The more emotion you can elicit in the body through this exercise the
better the result. Through repetition plus emotion you are firing and wiring new
neural circuitry!

Discovery:

Step One: For the primary core subconscious belief that is causing thought,
emotional and behavioral limitations, it is time to recondition your RAS’s focus and
use the principle of subconscious reprogramming (repetition + emotion) to
equilibrate this painful belief.

Example: Belief #1: “I am not doing/being enough” à This is a major source of

chronic fatigue and exhausts your nervous system and adrenals. The level of cortisol
and adrenaline that these thought patterns will produce will exhaust you over time.
This is your root cause.

Reprogramming ritual: “I am doing enough” (This requires consistent repetition +

emotion to recondition).

Find 10-15 pieces of evidence for where/why/how you are doing enough. Try to find 1-
3 examples and check in with each of the 7 areas of life. (Career, Financial, Family,
Spiritual, Mental/Emotional, Physical, Social)

Important: Try to feel the emotion in your body (anchoring into nervous system)
when thinking of your response.

This Requires: Intentionality, Patience, Commitment.

Impact: Re-Programming the root level of a painful paradigm that has a massive
long-term cost.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 5

The Seven Areas of Life

Career

Emotional Spiritual

Mental Relationships

Financial Physical

Prompter Questions: (check in 7 areas of life)

I showed up well today when

I was effective today when

I did enough today because

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 6

I shouldn’t feel guilty because

I am enough because

Examples of how I did more than enough for others

Examples of how I committed to myself

I excelled today at

Integration: Stick to this over the course of 21 days because you will see major
changes. By day 6 or 7 your internal dialogue should start changing. By day 14 you
might notice your behaviors are changing and by day 21 we tend to create whole
new paradigms of programming that will start to work on behalf of themselves.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 7

Exercise 3: Thought Upgrading & Emotional Processing

Purpose: The goal of this exercise is to question the stories you tell when you notice
hypervigilance arise and give it meaning. You can then go on to recognize, and
strategize to meet, your needs. By practicing this daily, it will become a process that
begins to happen in under 10s in real time.

Discovery:

1. Think of what feels unresolved today regarding any person, conversation or

situation. Write you’re your stressful thoughts or beliefs (see core beliefs below if
needed). (ISOLATE THE PROBLEM)

2. What did you believe about the person, or event because of what happened?
(What meaning did you give to it)? (thoughts) (Ex. I will lose my job and be on the
street, my wife will leave me etc.)

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 8

3. Can you know with certainty that this is true?

4. Can you find three pieces of proof that oppose this original interpretation? Could
there be less painful interpretations to this situation that are as true as your
assumption, if not more true? Try to update your thinking if the core wound or
thoughts are in fact, untrue or one-sided.

5. What is your need in this situation to create relief?

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 9

6. What is a healthy strategy to get this need met?

Integration: Through noticing the stories we are telling ourselves, questioning

them, trying to find proof of otherwise we can create new neural circuits to elicit an
opposing emotional response. By practicing this daily, it will become a process that
you can start to use in real time when you start to feel negative emotions.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 10

Exercise 4: Action Re-Programming Exercise

Purpose: To identify and reprogram auto-pilot behaviors through consciously

choosing positive actions and strategies to get the same need met.

Discovery: For the chart below, write the autopilot coping mechanisms you use
when your emotional state is not optimized. Write what subconscious needs are
being met through these actions, then update them in the next column. Stick to this
repeated update for 21 days to re-program the unconscious coping mechanisms
that are no longer serving you!

Autopilot Coping Mechanism/Behavior Updated Action or Strategy to Meet the

(Ex. Binge-watching Netflix) Same Needs
(Ex. Meditating for Comfort and Peace)

Integration: When you are in a negative emotional state and catch

yourself engaging in undesirable auto-pilot behaviors for relief, go to your chart and
use the new/updated strategy that will meet your needs in a positive way. This
will become your default strategy after 21 days.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 11

Anxious Attachment Best Practices & Interactions

Exercise 5: Self-Soothing: A Step-by-Step Guide to Meeting Your Own Needs!

Purpose: The purpose of this exercise is to start getting into touch with your feelings
and needs. This is the way out of codependency in a relationship.

Discovery:

1. Refer to the Major Emotions and Their Opposites list in the Additional Lists,
Materials and References Section at the back of the workbook and write down the
patterns of negative emotions you feel most often. What situations spur these
emotions for you? (Ex. I often feel stressed when I’m rushing… I often feel angry
when I am interrupted etc.)

I often feel:

when I’m:

2. What do you need in order to feel better in this situation? Refer to your tertiary
needs list midway down page ten (10). You can choose multiple needs.

I need:

3. What is your strategy to get this need met? (Ex. I could ask for help, speak up etc.)

I could get this need met by:

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 12

4. How can I meet this need MYSELF? (Ex. I need to feel connected à I can write a
list of reasons I’m safe. I can go home and meditate. I can put my phone away and
journal/self-connect etc.)

I can meet this need myself by (insert strategies):

Integration: We must learn to meet our own needs to develop healthy

interdependence in a relationship. Using the strategies you’ve created practice
attempting to meet your own needs before you go to someone else.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 13

Exercise 6: Healthy Habits & Questions for Self-Connection

Purpose: The Anxious Preoccupied tends to almost always be outwardly focused and
not know what they truly want, or need, to be happy. It’s important to take time to
connect to ourselves by getting to know who we are, our personality needs, our
subconscious needs as a whole and what matters most to us.

Discovery:
1. Create at least twenty minutes for YOU once daily. I recommend in the morning or
evening.

2. Choose 3-5 self-connection questions from the list below to answer each evening.
To love and connect to yourself (and thus self-soothe properly), you must get to
know yourself first. This list can be re-used frequently.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 14

Self-Reflection Questions (can be done in AM or PM)

Choose 3-5 of the many questions on the following page to self-reflect on a regular
basis. Building relationship to self is one of the most important things we can do for
success in the categories of clarity, healthy relationships, career and financial success
and joy.

1. What needs in my life are unmet lately?

2. How can I meet these needs more effectively?
3. If I could use one word to describe the person I’d want to be today it would be…
4. The best way I can deal with a stressful situation today is….
5. What’s one action I can take today that will create extra value in my life?
6. What do I want to be intentional about today?
7. I will feel successful today if I do these things…
8. If I was my own personal development consultant today, I would tell myself to
remember that…
9. Today I realized or learned that…
10. I could make today even better by…
11. Something I can appreciate about today is…
12. Who am I really?
13. What am I afraid of? How can I change this?
14. Am I holding onto something that I need to let go of?
15. What matters most in my life? Am I showing up for myself in this area?
16. What have I given up on that I want to take back?
17. When did I last push myself beyond my comfort zone? What helps me to do this?
18. What do I need to change about myself?
19. Am I using my time wisely?
20. Am I taking anything for granted?
21. Am I employing a healthy perspective?
22. Am I living true to myself?
23. Am I taking care of myself?
24. Are my mental processes effective in helping me be successful and joyful? What
could I do better?
25. What negative patterns have been showing up for me lately? What are they showing
me about myself?

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 15

26. What area of my life currently feels least empowered? What patterns lead me there?
27. Where am I creating unnecessary stress for myself? What strategy can I use to
change this?
28. What do I need to be learning more about?
29. Am I actively listening to others?
30. Who am I being unfair to in my life right now? How could I show up more effectively?
31. What am I avoiding in my life right now? What does this cost me?
32. How can I be kinder to myself?
33. Where am I repressing emotion?
34. Am I clearly communicating my feelings and needs to others? How can I improve
this?
35. Am I taking things too personally?
36. Am I creating joy for myself intentionally?
37. Am I in charge of my emotional state? How can I improve this even more?
38. Where do I feel stuck? What do I need to learn in order to get unstuck?
39. What is triggering me in my closest relationships? Can I create change here?
40. What emotions am I feeling on a regular basis and why?
41. What is one thing I need to express more to other people in my life?
42. What is something I want to give myself permission to do more often?
43. Where do I abandon myself?
44. How can I set better boundaries? Show up better for my boundaries?
45. Where do I put too much pressure on myself? Why?
46. What expectations do I place on others unfairly?
47. What expectations do I have of myself that are too intense?
48. Where can I set better standards for myself in my life?
49. How can I have better balance across the 7 areas of my life?
50. Am I taking myself into consideration when I make choices?

Integration: While getting to know yourself better you will begin to love and connect
to yourself (and thus self-soothe properly). You’ll come to understand what you need
to create change in many areas of your life. As you go through the questions use
your answers as feedback to better understand who you are as a person and what
you need to be happy.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 16

Exercise 7: Becoming Aware of Self-Abandonment

Purpose: The purpose of this exercise is to identify the areas where you might be
subconsciously self-abandoning your needs in the 7 areas of life. We will follow this
up with creating new strategies to stop this cycle.

Discovery:

1. Refer to the Seven (7) Areas of Life. Write down a list of ways you abandon yourself
by ignoring your needs, people-pleasing, valuing approval over your truth or over-
giving to keep yourself safe.

Career Financial Mental Emotional Spiritual Physical Relationship

Write a list of strategies to create change in each of these areas.

Integration: Use the strategies you have come up with to avoid chaos from
occurring in the 7 areas of life. If we do not put conscious effort into empowering
these areas we will end up having to spend more time fixing the areas we’ve
neglected.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 17

Exercise 8: Conflict Communication: Feelings & Needs Exercise

Purpose: When we go to communicate our feelings and needs to a partner a lot of

the time, especially if we don’t have a specifically tailored approach, we might go to
express ourselves and trigger the other person without meaning to. We need to
effectively approach conflict to get our feelings understood, our needs met and to
make sure we are breaking down obstacles that are standing between ourselves
and our partners.

Discovery:

Start by validating the other person’s emotions or stepping around their potential
core wounds.

Example: I really appreciate you and am not criticizing you in any way but want to
share something I felt so I don’t internalize it….

1. Feelings:

When this situation happened, I interpreted it in my reality as me being:

(insert emotion/experience – ex. “being abandoned”).

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 18

2. Needs:
I needed this person to:

(BE AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE). If the need is validation: what kind of validation? If

it’s for support: What TYPE of support? (Ex. A hug, for someone to compliment your
hard work etc.)

3. Paint the picture of how this need can get met.

(Ex. I would love a hug each night before bed.)

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 19

Expression:

Step One: Notice their emotion and/or concern validate it first (establishes
connection)
Ex. I can see that you feel unnoticed and invalidated.

Step Two: Look for their sponsoring intention or need. Confirm your understanding.
Ex. Would you feel better if I gave you more encouragement and recognition?

Step Three: Request to be heard and understood also.

Ex. Great. Are you open to hearing my perspective for a moment?

Step Four: Share your feelings (the emotion specifically) and needs (as clearly as
possible).
Ex. I felt disregarded when you didn’t use any of the points I made for the
presentation. I really need you to consider including my input more in the future.

Ex. I felt undervalued when I did that extra work and it went unrecognized. I
appreciate credit and positive re-enforcement, as it inspires me to keep growing and
putting in extra effort.

Step Five: Ask if they can see your perspective. (Requesting validation of
understanding)
Ex: “Can you see how I could interpret your actions as _____________?”

Step Six: Initiate collective strategizing using language such as “together,” “collective
solution,” “open to compromise.”
Ex. “I think we understand each other’s perspectives, now let’s look at coming up
with a collective decision that encompasses both of our needs.”

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 20

Part 2: Understanding Over Conflict

1. Stepping out of your story: According to the other person and their perspective,
why SHOULD they have done what they did? List 5 Reasons. *We forgive ourselves. *

2. What were the benefits of this situation playing out the way that it did? (How did
you learn, grow, change, let go of what no longer serves etc.)

Integration: Use these steps for proper conflict communication that will lead to
resolution.

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 21

Additional Materials, Lists and References

List of Negative CORE Beliefs

I am not enough I am abandoned/alone I am unloved

I am bad I am weak I am unsafe
I am stupid I am unworthy I am helpless
I am unseen/unheard I don’t Something’s wrong w/
matter/unimportant me
I don’t belong I am disliked I am unsafe
I am disconnected I am excluded I am disrespected
I am rejected I am trapped/stuck I am powerless/no control

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 22

Important Needs for Anxious Attachment Transformation

Needs: Career Mental Emotional Spiritual Physical Financial Relational

Connection Self- Emotional Belief in Exercise or Goals Strong romantic
Reflection, Processing something energy connection
spend time greater exertion
alone
Emotional Collective Emotional Mindfulness Group Tracking Validation,
Support Learning Expression, Activities reinforcement
Keep
identity
Community Re- Setting Meditation** Self-care Share Communication or
programming boundaries, with body with expression
self-trust (rituals) another(s)
Human Learning and Using Healthy Relationship A “why” Boundaries,
Interaction Stimulation emotions habits to body related to Maintain Identity
as including (kindness) love
feedback people
vs. reacting

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 23

Major Emotions and Their Opposites

Abandoned – Adopted, Cherished, Defended Insecure – At Ease, Calm, Collected, Composed

Afraid – Brave, Calm, Composed, Fearless Horrified – Brave, Calm, Fearless

Alone – Together Hurt – Happy, Pleased

Annoyed – Gratified, Pleased Lazy – Active, Careful, Attentive, Energetic

Anxious – Brave, Calm, Collected Lethargic – Alert, Active, Animated, Lively

Ashamed – Calm, Confident, Happy, Joyful Lonely – Populated, Close, Loved, Sociable

Betrayed – Assisted, Helped, Loyal, Faithful Uncertain – Sure, Confident, Predictable

Blamed – Approval, Praise Lost – Seen, Alive, Attentive, Aware

Bored – Energized, Refreshed Offended – Flattered, Praised, Complimented

Burdened – Unloaded Outraged – Calm, Relaxed, Happy

Cheated – Faithful, Fair Pressured – Free, Left Alone, At Ease

Concerned – Calm, Collected, Composed Punished – Cleared, Released, Exonerated

Confused – Clear, Composed, Organized Trapped – Free

Crazy – Balanced, Calm, Collected, Sane Rage – Calm, Love, Peace, Indifference

Heaviness – Thinness, Light Rebellious – Happy, Obedient, Compliant

Despair – Hope, Joy Regret – Comfort, Content, Delight, Joy

Devastated – Create, Construct, Guarded, Protected Rejected – Cherished

Disappointed – Calm, Cheerful, Comforted, Resentment – Delight, Happy, Connected, Free

Encouraged
Sadness – Cheer, Happiness, Joy
Disgusted – Attracted, Delighted, Pleased
Scared - Bold, Brave, Cool, Courageous
Doubt – Belief, Calm, Clarity, Certainty, Confidence
Self-Conscious – Calm, Comfortable, Confident,
Helpless – Able, Capable, Fit, Powerful Easy

Embarrassed – Composed Shame – Pride, Approval, Esteem, Honor,

Respect
Empty – full
Silly – Intelligent, Mature
Exhausted – Able, Active, Energized, Strong
Suffering – Ease, Calm, Relief, Joy
Guilty – Innocent, Right, Moral, Good
Worried – Calm, Comforted, Happy, Relaxed
Impatient – Easygoing, Controlled, Patient, Tolerant
Wary – Certain, Careless
Inadequate – Able, Abundant, Capable, Enough

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School

 24

List of Tertiary Needs

Connection Needs Certainty Needs Growth Needs MEANING

Acceptance Safety Self-Development Clarity
Affection Comfort Self-Realization Competence
Appreciation Security Success Consciousness
Belonging Order Progress Discovery
Cooperation Stability Achievement Effectiveness
Communication Support Opportunity Hope
Closeness To know and be known Expansiveness Mourning
Community To see and be seen Learning Participation
Companionship To be understood Awareness Purpose
Compassion Trust Challenge Attention
Consideration Warmth Stimulation Validation
Consistency Self-expression
Empathy Physical Needs Honesty Needs To matter
Inclusion Food Authenticity
Intimacy Movement/exercise integrity
Love Rest/sleep Presence
Mutuality Sexual expression
Nurturing Safety Play Needs
Respect/self-respect Touch Joy
Humor
Autonomy Needs Peaceful Needs
Choice Beauty Contribution Needs
Freedom Ease To give/nurture
Independence Equality To share
Space/Boundaries Harmony To create
Spontaneity Inspiration To teach/to assist
Exploration

© 2020 PDS: The Personal Development School